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October 2002...
 
orsmupdate 2002.10.29-22.02

Oh yes... Spring is well and truly here which means the onset of summer is nigh. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and most importantly chicks are making that transition from winter attire to the more pleasing summer-wear.

No doubt about it - right now is the best time of the year. It's warm but not too hot, cool but not too cold. It's all good having summer right around the corner but having said that my mind starts to drift back to past summers... summers of sleepless nights, sweltering in the incessant heat.

I do have a feeling that the next few months are going to be hotter than usual too. It was a pitiful winter. They call that cold? I spent most of it in shorts and a t-shirt. But as the old saying goes - desperate times call for desperate measures [or what ever the fuck it is]. I think I'm going to have to confine myself to the house and car between December and March basking in the product of man's greatest invention - the airconditioner.

I'm happy with warm but as soon as the temperature starts going north of 30 degrees [celsius] it's long faces from me. Actually if it stayed spring all year, that would be more than acceptable. Anyways, enough about the impending sufferance - the more I dwell on it, the worse it'll be when it arrives.

Mail list subscribers will recall me saying that I'm busily working through the site archives changing pretty much all of the links to chick pics and shit like that. When you consider how many god damn images there are on the site why the hell would I commit myself to something so fucking time consuming and boring? For ages now you guys have asked for a 'next image' link to be placed at the bottom of each pic so you don't have to keep opening up millions of new windows to see a set of images. Well your wish is my command so shut the fuck up and enjoy it. Oh yeah - not all of the links accross the site have been changed yet.

By the way HUGE thanks to Yuri who coded it up. Hopefully that'll bring a few happy faces. While I think of it actually... if there's any 'l337' coders out there who could write a small program to speed the process up a bit, drop me a line and i'll explain the problem.

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: I am always prepared to recognise that there can be two points of view - mine and one that is probably wrong. [John Grey Gorton - Australian Parliamentarian]

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The Advice Asshole is back again this week and in fine form too. Check him out here. And for those of you who are here 'just for the articles' I present the following...

Just Unlucky - His & Hers World Records - The Many Ways To Order Pizza - Block Buster Video - Bal Bal

Create A Ride - Black People Love Us - Know You Drugs - Spank The Monkey - I Love You

... and if you get a chance I highly recommend checking out some of the vid's at Multi Level Moves. This guy is amazing. Sort of makes you wonder what the fuck you have been doing with your life and why you can't do what he can. JoeEigo.com.

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Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral: Pay your bills!

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe… "I'm an ex-tractor fan..."

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WHY AUSSIES ARE SMARTER

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Australian get captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.

The Australian says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The Australian takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?" The Australian sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"

ORSM VIDEO

PIANO MAN

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the bloody, mother fucking manager you cock sucking arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well, are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager, "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her beautiful bottom. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!

Anyway it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to wrestle with his bald headed chimp. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice "Where's that bastard pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

SANKE IN A BOX
It's just like opening a cereal packet and finding a suprise inside...

TRUE STORY [I SWEAR]

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true! This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realised that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.

Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realise the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

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A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."

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ORSM VIDEO

This little vid starts off here as a normal porn clip only turn into a freaky Sinead Occonnor impersonator getting defaced in her own special way...

- Cum On My Head -
[Video requires Quicktime for playback]

HAPPILY MARRIED

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'"

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

READER MAIL

Erion wrote:
Subject: Columbus Day Regatta
Hi here are some pics. of the Columbus Day Regatta in Miami Fl. U.S.A. I hope you like them and can post them for me on the Best site on the web!

NOTE: Because there were so many pics in this series I'll post the rest next update!

There was also this little gem which I forgot about. It was sent to me when the site was down at the end of September...

Midget wrote:
Subject: HELP!!
I am lost w/o ur porno.......i have missed the site so much........Get it back up and running.......so I can have sweet masturbation.....

Almost forgot to mention... last update I posted a couple of emails from 2 different people who'd sent me pics claiming that the chick in them was their ex. Looks like these 2 guys have been sprung! Lindsey Carter is apparently her real name and you can find more info on here right here.

GEORGE

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $10,000.00. The Consul continues saying that in most cases the person responsible for the remains decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear.

"Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked. "Why, of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty roar of approval.

Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?" The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are, oh mighty lion."

Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked. The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally dumped him out on the shore.

The lion - beaten, bruised and battered - struggled to his feet. "Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

APPETISING
Hungry for a toilet cone? Not sure if these pics make me wanna shit or eat ice cream... or is that shit ice cream ... or eat shit... or maybe even eat shit cream?? Fuck knows...

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an Engineer, the second was an Account, the third a Chemist, the fourth a Computer Tech and the fifth a Public Servant.

To show off the Engineer called his dog, "T-Square, Do your stuff" T-Squared trotted over to the desk, took out some pen and paper ,and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was incredible but the Chemist said his dog was better.

"Measure do your stuff." Measure got walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got out a 250ml glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 200mls without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that this was impressive. The Computer Tech knew he could top them all.

"Hard-drive, have a go at it." Hard-drive crossed the room, booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email and installed a cool new game. Everyone agreed that was a tough act to follow. The four men turned to the public servant and said '"What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog "Coffee Break, do your stuff, boy!" Coffee break jumped to his feet, ate all the biscuits, drank all the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the four other dogs, injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for six months stress leave.

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NEWS FLASH
Big Borther III was started in SOWETO, South Africa 3 weeks ago... Of the original 12 'Housemates', 2 have been murdered, 3 raped and 4 mugged. There are now a total of 165 people in the house...

WORTH-A-SURF
This week's Worth-A-Surf crew are an odd bunch. I have photo's of all of them eating their young. Sickening.

Maul Rat - Camel Toes - Foolish Media - Project Death - Procrastination - Drew Skillz - Sex Project

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, they did spreadsheets, hey wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job.

Ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

--------------------------------------------

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Three guys at a classy golf course are waiting for their friend to show up in order to complete their foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse all by himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look at each other, shrug their shoulders and figure, "Why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and with a thick Italian accent, he agrees. While playing on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing the guy, they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding," he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly says, "I bet I can see my house from here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him the gun and says "Here, take a look." The first guy takes the gun and looks toward his house through the scope, just past the next hole.

"Hey!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is naked with the neighbour and they are kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you $2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour in his penis for obvious reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim toward the guy's house. He is sitting there for a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand dollars!"

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A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

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TEEN DAISY

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

CELEBS
Your favourite stars at this years Academy Awards... all slutted up for the cameras...

Academy Awards - Academy Awards - Academy Awards - Academy Awards
Academy Awards
- Academy Awards

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen."

The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."

The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."

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Terry Wallace, the coach of the Western Bulldogs gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Bosnia. Wallace and the Bulldogs Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war torn Bosnia and track the young boy down.

They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year.

Ten minutes into the first quarter, Chris Grant goes down with a severe knee injury. Terry Wallace turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go to centre half forward and show us what you can do." The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.

The Western Bulldogs chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Terry Wallace tells the team what the boy from Bosnia has been through and that he is a model lesson for all.

Wallace then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today". He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?

"I don't care what you did today his Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was murdered, our house torched, our car blown up, your sister raped and your brother abducted."

"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened". The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted to Footscray."

RANDOM SHITE
Shite that is so far out of the human range of smell - only dogs can smell it. Honestly...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Want more? Check out the Random Shite viewer at shite.orsm.net.

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CHICKEN

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother". The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said, "I've got you both beat." "You know how Mum enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well... I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

CUTE PUPPY

I've said it before but I'm a huge dog lover and at the moment I'm doing everything possible to stop myself from buying one. I can deal with feeding it, washing it and cleaning up dog shit but the only thing really standing in the way is not knowing where I am going to be in coming years. Definitely don't have it in me to dump the poor pooch at the dog pound when I don't have time for him anymore. Anyways, as cute as this little puppy is I think I'd want a real dog...

WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

HORTHY HORTHY

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, "There's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you."

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, "Do you want a male horse or a female horse?" "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyth", but can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth, but can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horse and holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.

"Perhaps I thould rephrathe that" said the dwarf. "Can I see her wun awound?"

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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to get a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory."

ORSM VIDEO

That lot pretty much winds up another update! Tune back in soon for more mindless drivel. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign up for the newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.10.17-14.41
click here for more

Fuck it's a lot of work doing an update. Would you believe me if I told you that to do an update, maintain the site, keep an eye on the server and make various minute changes from day to day consumes somewhere in the vicinity of 50-60 hours a week? Crazy Shit really. Yesterday alone I sat at my computer from before 9am until after 2am working my ass off to get this update finished.

The site is big enough now that there's always SOMETHING that needs to be changed or added or fixed or whatever so my efforts are rarely limited to what you guys see every couple of weeks.

I almost wish it was like when I first started the site. An update took all of an hour from start to finish. No pressure. Compared to then, now I work a million times faster and more efficiently. You guys get way better bang for your buck too and generally seem to appreciate what goes in to it so I don't really mind, but I wonder where does it all stop?

The idea was to chill out a bit after the stressfull 2 weeks that was spent moving the site and getting everything set up on the new server. Did that happen? Not a chance! Seems if I know there's an update to be done [and when is there not!] or I'm tinkering with a new pet project, I can't in good conscience veg-out in front of the TV or just do nothing all day. I start to feel guilty... like it's going to be more work later if I don't do it now. Can't quite figure out how the fuck that works. All I know is I'm still in dire need of a holiday but funnily enough can't bring myself to not do anything website related for any lengthy period of time. The 'what if something happens' mentality comes into play.

This may be tell-tale signs of a workaholic in the making... or perhaps I'm just flattering myself. I hate delaying the inevitable but more and more the inevitable is becoming all the time... day to day. Don't get me wrong here - I aren't complaining. I love what I do, it's just a huge turn around from the cruisyness and laziness of the last three years. That in itself beckons another question - have the last 3 years of going practically nowhere been a case of laziness or simply a lack of motivation on my part? Maybe now I'm finally motivated... and working bulk hours and feeling guilty when I could be working is a fruit of that. Hmmm...

click here for more

Bali. Haven't got too much to say about this. I think we all knew it wouldn't be forever before terrorists attacked innocent people again but who'd have picked Bali as the spot?

It wasn't hard being complacent after 9/11. As far as I was concerned, living all the way on the other side of the world I'm shielded from terrorist attacks. Could I have been any more ignorant? This happened in my own backyard! So many Aussies frequent Bali it's practically another state of Australia and this attack was obviously very much targeted at us. So what are we supposed to do now? If this shit continues it won't be long before we are all too afraid to leave our homes in fear of getting blown up and killed. Time to bring out the big guns and start nuking shit. let's see how they like that!

For the very first time this week the Advice Asshole will be dishing out some helpful advice to the troubled amongst you. Click here to be enlightened.

Got something on your mind? The all new Orsm.net Forum is up and running. You can find it at forums.orsm.net.

Random Shite fans take note. You may be glad to know I've just set up a Random Shite Viewer. All of the pics from Random Shite plus a whole lot more soon to come can be found at shite.orsm.net.

If you haven't signed up for the Orsm.net Porn-chive newsletter yet then what the fuck are you waiting for!? Each week over 15,000 people enjoy a bucket load of free pornand access to the Porn-chive just for being a member. Did I mention it was free? Click here to sign up!

One thing I am guaranteed to do each day is surf the news sites. You know, keep up with what's going on around the world and more in particular stories that are somewhat interesting. Imagine my delight when I found News Filter!

Arachnaphobia - CD Baby - Many Moods Of A Bear - Dr Phil's Psych Test - Dear Employee - It's Good To Be A Man

Spammers Suck! - Lego Machine Gun - Jail Bait Or Legal? - Stop Alien Abductions - Bushisms

Quick favour to ask you guys. A mate of mine - Jeff Hunter - has just released his very first album and it would be just fuckin peachy if you guys can help him to try and win a recording contract! Only a small bit of effort is required on your part. First, go to makeastar.com, click the 'register' link, fill in your details, and wait for them to send you the confirmation email. After you've confirmed it click on 'listen and vote' then 'arena 2 ' then all you need to do is click on 'vote for this artist' under Jeff Hunter. Sounds like a lot but it'll take you 2 mins to do and you'll be helping him immensely, Make sure you download his track too!!

This guy is my new God. Smoking up your Commodore on the door step of Parliament house in Canberra is something that we'd all love to do but probably haven't got the balls for. Bottom 2 pics are of the brand new Ford Falcon Group A touring car. Can anyone say 'absolutely awesome looking piece of machinery'...?

click here for more

LOVELY LOVELY

Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts; "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a bloody carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you... I'm going to the pub!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out. As he walks in the door, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and he notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked. She replied, "HELLO!!!..... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

ORSM VIDEO

SNORING

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home after being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband awakes from his stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

click here for more

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the cunt in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"

Click for more awesomeness

Not 100% sure what drugs this guy is one but rest assured it is being looked in to...

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

click here for more

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest with the following:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O'Riley staggered home that night his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi'f me wife."

His wife said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, I know," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

After the response the Megan Gale pics I posted last update got I thought some more was in order...

Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan

Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan

click here for more

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bulls stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceed to the last bull and his sign says: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year, that is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if he had to fuck the same cow every day."

click here for more

Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna

Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna - Anna

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you having a problem?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

click here for more

ORSM VIDEO

Three years I've been on the net. Three long years. In that time I have been privvy to some fucked up shit. After a while you become numb to it and watching some asian girl eat her own shit or seeing a pic of a guy with no head has no affect. Every once in a while though something comes along that shocks me. This vid is it...

- Extrememe Penetration -

FLUCTUATIONS

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

click here for more

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again." JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

click here for more

LAWYER SEASON

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

ORSM VIDEO

COMEBACK

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses." A smart-arse in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When the silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

click here for more

Worth-A-Surf. Be sure to check out these guys sites. I fucked all of their mothers and they were good. Webmasters: if you want your site linked click here.

Orange Movies - Bitch Wrestling - Enfringe - Pawn Shop Porno - Twelve Fifteen - The Boogary

Cam Girl Confessions - Drunk University - Smith Happens - Surf Down

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

click here for more

READER MAIL

TONNES of email in the last couple of weeks. There's a huge backlog which I am slowly trying to clear but here's a few highlights anyways...

click to enlarge
Jen wrote:
Subject: Ok here they are

Love yer site! Contrary to popular belief, I think chicks dig this kinda stuff too. Here is a recent pic of my boobies. Being a breast man and all you can tell me what you think..........Keep up the good work. Just don't post my email. Hubby would flip!

click to enlarge


Andrew John Doran
wrote:
Subject: heres one for the album

Wollongong Hockey boys, uni games at Newcastle, drunk pommey slut, 85 bucks, nice ring

click to enlarge
Tim wrote:
Subject: hot or not

This is one of my whores. Hot or not?

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P_O_D P_A_R_R wrote:
Subject: wankeress of the year

This is a submission for the wanker for the year competion (if its still goin :P)This stupid girl was so f'en dumb that she showed her ugly face on nation television. Even worse it was taken about 30cm away from the tv cammer. It was flimed on TRL on MTV. It was while Blink 182 where playing live.

P.S. If you can be bothered to post this ugly cammel can u give my email address as well :)

Tim wrote:
Subject: Hiroshima

hey mr orsm, love your work. i was doing some research for a crappy history assignment when i found these two pictures that i thought were pretty whacked. the first one is of hiroshima moments before being bombed, the second is of it after it was bombed, crazy shit.

click to enlarge
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Dbbug wrote:
Subject: some pictures

been a regular and thank you for keeping your site up with good content and entertainment and of course the gooodies. this guy went to Fantasy Fest in Key West, Fl last year with his digital, lucky bastard. guess it is an annual event. looks better than Mardi Gras.

click here for more

Mikhail Dias wrote:
Subject: brazilian party [hidden camera]

Hey how you doing... I'm sending you some pics from a college party in Sao Paulo, Brazil. It's a hidden camera...

click here for more

Martin Seifert wrote:
Subject: 2.4Ghz

sum pics of a liquid-cooled 2.4GHz processor, it's damn impressive

click here for more

Fantasy Football wrote:
Subject: Pics from the Tarpon Rodeo in Grand Isle, LA - July 25-27, 2002

Great site. I've gotten many pics and vids from it over the past 2 years or so. We were at the Tarpon Rodeo in Grande Isle, LA during the week of July 22-29, with the rodeo actually taking place July 25-27. These are some pics of the late night parties on the boats at the docs. We also have it all on video, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. Keep up the good work!!!

click here for more

Not too sure about this next one... I got 2 different emails from 2 different people claiming this is their Ex. Now either this chick is a real cow and has fucked over both of them OR someone is telling porkies...

Philly Levin wrote:
Subject: My Request

Dear Mr. Orsm,
I took these pics of my girlfriend when we were going out which ended two weeks ago. I would be very pleased if you could post this set of my girlfriend nude for me so that i can humiliate her when she sees your next update. both she and i used to use your site to arouse ourselves, if you know what I mean...??!!!
Thanks again, Sam Johnson....
By the way, my girlfriend's name was Allison

Dude Dude wrote:
Subject: Revenge!

Dear Mr. Orsm,
I want to start off by saying I am a big fan of yours and have not missed an update since I first discovered your site a few months ago. As a loyal supporter though, I have a request to make: For the last seven moths I have been going out with a girl named Allison. We have had many "fun" times together, and I though we would last a long time. Yesterday, however, I found out that she had been sleeping around with some of my friends and I immediately broke up with her. The attached pictures I took of her one day so no matter where I went I could see her naked, and I promised that I would never share them with anybody. In this case, though, she broke her promise of loyalty to me so I am going to break a promise to her. Please, post these on your website so I can have revenge on my dirty slut ex-girlfriend. Thanks a lot…
-Dave

click here for more

BURNT RUBBER

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

click here for more

Veronica Gallery 1 - Veronica Gallery 2 - Veronica Gallery 3 - Veronica Gallery 4
Veronica Gallery 5 - Veronica Gallery 6 - Veronica Gallery 7
Veronica Gallery 8
- Veronica Gallery 9 - Veronica Gallery 10 - Veronica Gallery 11

There are several husbands sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues...

Husband: "Hello?"
Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Husband: "Yes."
Wife: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
Husband: "What's the price?"
Wife: "Only $1,000."
Husband: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
Wife: "Oh, by the way, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the newest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
Husband: "What price did he quote you?"
Wife: "Only $67,000..."
Husband: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Wife: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
Husband: "What?"
Wife: "I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, an acre of park area, beach front property."
Husband: "How much are they asking?"
Wife: "Only $2,450,000.00 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
Husband: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but don't offer more than $2,445,000.00, okay?"
Wife: "Okay, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!!"
Husband: "Bye... I love you too..."

The husband hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other club members are looking at him in astonishment. The husband holds up the phone and asks "Hey, does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

click here for more

MALE METALITY AT ITS BEST

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is great and good-looking. She is putting the entire wedding together and Invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred.... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she winked and just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them. I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom...

Click for more awesomeness
click here for more

JESUS

Jesus is nailed up on the cross. He is mumbling "Peter... Peter…"

Peter, who was wailing with sorrow at the base of the cross, looks up. He begins to climb the cross and the Romans grab him and beat him unconscious.

Peter comes to, and Jesus is still speaking quietly, "Peter... Peter..." in a barely audible whisper. Peter again tries to climb the cross, and again the Romans pull him down and beat him even more severely than the first time.

Peter regains consciousness some time later, it's nearly dark. Jesus is fading fast, his lips are barely moving. The Romans have gone off to drink for the night, so after several attempts Peter drags himself up to Jesus' face.

He cries, "Yes! Yes! My Lord! What is it you have to say!" Jesus replies, "Peter.. I can see your house from here..."

click here for more

Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze

Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze - Suze

Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an ice-cream van comes down the street. "Do you want one?" asks the first guy. "Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" says the second.

"No I won't" says the first. "Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" says the second. "I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated.

"OK then, look - I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" says the second.

The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. The second guy says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!"

The first guy, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie. The second guy looks at him and says "Where's my chips?

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Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK." says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

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RANDOM SHITE

Ah yes... Random Shite - the one and only shite that doesn't stink! If this lot isnt enough make sure you check out the all new Random Shite Viewer!!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

ORSM VIDEO

Well that's me done for this week. Tune back in soon for even more of the filth and mayhem you've come to expect! Until then be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to click this link! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2002.10.04-9.45
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Sometimes I just live for this shit... other times I completely and utterly can't be fucked with it. It's been all sorts of fun and games lately but as far as a learning experience goes, it ranks pretty high.

I dont think there's any point rehashing all thats happened in the last few weeks in great detail because I'm sure most of you know what happened. If you've been hibernating, basically my previous host cancelled my hosting due to the legal fees they incurred consulting attorneys when all the MasterCard/Priceless shit went down.

Personally I think they got burnt. If their lawyers did their homework they would have looked at the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. In a situation like this the DMCA would have offered protection to my host as they have no editorial control over the content on my site. It appears though, that RackShack pride themselves on being censors and thus cancelled my hosting.

When you get down to it, with what Orsm.net costs me to run each month, I don't want to be spending that amount of money with a company that treats it's clients the way I was.

I've now moved to a superior host on a kick-ass server. Yes there was some downtime but shit happens - it will be all worth it in the long run I'm sure. I'm now hosted with Eccentric Hosting. Definitely worth checking out. Good service, good pricing and good people. Big thanks to Wade, Honer, and the boys at Adult Site Surfer for all your help. Anyway enough about all that shit.

Last weekend marked what was probably one of the drunkest nites I have ever had the the pleasure of partaking in... and the best bit - I didn't even spew! Countless beers, CC Pre's and umpteen shots of Black Sambuca [Tequila sucks!] added to a very messy night - all in aid of celebrating my 25th Birthday.

Now it's all good being 25. People are more likely to treat you as an adult, doing something stupid rarely gets you yelled at anymore and you also enter a different insurance bracket.

The only real issue I have here is I remember my 21st birthday like it only a couple of weeks ago... although when I think about it I'm amazed I ever lived to to tell the tale of that weekend [a tale that won't be repeated on these pages by the way!]. Shit has changed markedly since those days. A lot of the things that were so important back then just don't rate anymore... and conversely things that I couldn't have cared less about, now seem to dominate. People change, friends change, goals change and motivations change... all so drastically in just short 4 years.

What I wanna know is, if the last 4 years have gone so god damn fast, and shit has changed so much - what the fuck am I supposed to expect for the next 4 years or the next 10 or 20 years for that matter? Before I know it I will be some wrinkly old bastard sitting in a nursing home dribbling on myself and shitting in my pants reminiscing about how when I was 25 things were all just so much different to what they are now, wondering where the time has gone... and more than likely trying to make sense of it all. It's almost a head-fuck!

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I got a couple of emails from you guys saying to 'enjoy my presents'. Being a smart little monkey I checked out my Wishlist. Disbelief set in a few moments later when I realised that quite a few of you guys had bought me presents. I honestly can't thank you guys enough for doing this as it was quite unnecessary however having said that you've managed to satisy some long-standing wants. Huge thankyou to you all.

If you haven't seen Plastic Wrap Pr0n yet then it's well worth a looksi. An interesting little concept developed by Igor from Driven By Boredom. If nothing else, Plastic Wrap Pr0n is just a great way to see some breasts. Check out PWP here.

Romeo Beckham got his first chance to play for Man U at Old Trafford. He asked his dad what number he should wear. David thought for a minute and said "Wear 4 out there, Romeo..."

Was thinking that due to the downtime, lack of a Porn-chive mail out and of course abscence of an update last week, I would only be robbing you guys if I didn't invest some quality time on this update and try and crank out something worthy of surfing when you are supposed to be doing something else... like working perhaps..? I'm pretty sure that everyone will be satisified with my efforts too. This update is so big that I thought about starting another site just to house it all. There's also 15 new Priceless Vids which start here somewhere.

I bought my Wife a mood ring the other day. You know the ones that change colour to reflect mood changes.

When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead...

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: Reply when asked if he had ever been wrong: "Yes, once - many, many years ago. I thought I had made a wrong decision. Ofcourse, it turned out that I had been right all along. But I was wrong to have thought I was wrong." -- John Foster Dulles [1888-1959]

A few weeks back I mentioned that if anyone was interested in doing some writing for Orsm.net then to drop me an email and we'd go from there. A few interested parties replied. First up was Paul Hot with his holiday blog. Read all about it here. Next up was Kieth...

Keith J. Frank wrote:
A while back Orsm had a great post that caught my eye. He asked for some ideas to make the site more entertaining. My idea that was approved, was for an advice column of some sort. Here comes The Advice Asshole. This will be posted in (either/both) the next update, or porn mailing. I need some questions to get me started, so here's my e-mail address: killafrogkf@yahoo.com. Make sure you start me off with some good ones, because I don't want my idea to be yanked harder and more quickly than George Michaels in the bathroom. Until I respond, I bid you farewell...
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Sounds like a good idea to me. If you are interested in sharing your unique perspective contact me here. Now for some cool shit...

Corporate Lessons - The Perfect Dump - Beer Vs Pussy - Party Time Comic - It's A Boy!! - Save Smackdown!!

Pull My Finger - Usage Of The Word FUCK - Andy's Computer - 2 Advanced - Ego Media - The Orgasm

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun & shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He says "In Australia we have so many fucking South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

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A lovely story from the latest FHM...

A while ago, after more than a few delicious beverages at my local I pulled a large woman, and persuaded her to let me take her home. At home, we soon got down to business and despite the room being pitch black it wasn't hard to locate her massive boobies, so I started sucking greedily on a hardened nipple. And then, rather surprisingly, I got a gob full of warm milk.

Being the perfect gentleman I immediately asked her if she had recently given birth, but she rather testily claimed that she hadn't. So I carried on regardless and had a thoroughly enjoyable night of blubber-bashing with the chubby goer.

When I woke in the morning I looked down at the beached whale and was rather horrified to see, about half an inch from her nipple, the shrivelled remains of a monstrous boil which i had clearly sucked dry during our night of passion.

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LAST SUIT YOU WILL EVER WEAR

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied that he would see what he could do. "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."

ORSM VIDEO

Ummm... not too sure what to make of these. A couple of Asian Elvis impersonators doing all sorts of things to a groupie I think best sums it up...

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden ... that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened... and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

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A wife and her husband were having a fancy French dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

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ONE LINERS FOR THE STRESSED AND IRRITATED

1."Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a Fucking people's person!?"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
13. "Practise random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

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ORSM VIDEO

Ever seen Pop Stars? It's a rather pathetic concept developed by over-payed TV exec's and gold-digging record companies all in the name of exploiting more money from naive. Thousands of kiddies line up for hours at a time just to get their shot at the 'big time' and be shown on prime time TV. Several months later, the stupid among us [like me] who listen to commercial radio are tormented by talentless hacks that assume names like 'Bardot' and 'Scandal Us'. Once in a while though, they turn up someone who is born to be a Pop Star...

- The Ultimate Pop Star -

REDUNDANCY

The Military was notified that their budget was being cut so the President decided to retire his top three Generals and give them a going away bonus for their service.

The first General was called in and told he was to receive a pension and an unusual bonus. He was told that he could pick any two parts of his body and they would measure the distance between the two points. For every inch measured he would receive $10,000.The General picked from the top of his head to his toes and got a bonus of $720,000.

The second General was then called in and told the same news. He picked from the tip of his outstretched hands to his tip toes and was rewarded with a bonus of $1,000,000. Meanwhile, while this was going on the first General was telling the third General waiting in the outer office about the bonus system, so he was well prepared when his turn came.

When the third General's turn came he told the President that he wanted to be measured from the tip of his penis to his balls. The President said if that's what you want it will have to be measured by a Medical Officer but while your waiting you may get undressed. When the Medical Officer arrived he bent down in front of the General and placed the beginning of the tape at the tip of the General's penis.

My God exclaimed the Doctor, "where are your balls?" "In Vietnam" replied the General.

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SHIT

Though we have often used it, did you ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well here it is...

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything was transported by ship. This was also long before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were common.

In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit."

In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Imogen Bailey. I'd never actually heard of this little Australian hotty until she popped up recently on the unfortunate 'Celebrity Big Brother for Charity'... and what a big TV programming disgrace that was! Not even Imogen was enough to save that one!

Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen

Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen - Imogen

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BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch when he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"Guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"

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THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA AT IT'S FINEST

The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class "Let's show the inspector
just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a few questions".

The inspector reasons that normally the day class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all stare at him blankly. Eventually, Sipho raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. Sipho stands up and replies "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me."

Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies "I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles off the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of this example of the standard of education in S.A.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the wall fixed!!"

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Megan Gale. This voluptuous hottie is a born and bred Aussie girl who is absolutely adored in Italy where she works as a big-time supermodel. You can see why...

Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan

Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan - Megan

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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This week's Worth-A-Surf are the kind goat-loving folks at the following sites...

Britney Does Anna - Funky Shit - Symptomz Of Mercy - Shooting Fish - IWANGF - EHOWA

Cloud 10 - C Man - Maherie - Maco NRG - Z Fanatics - Kitta - Hardcore Sins - Vix - Ebaums World

ORSM VIDEO

COUNTRY BREAKFAST

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

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There was this gas station in 'redneck country' trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying 'Free Sex with Fill-up.'

Soon a local 'redneck' customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The redneck replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

A lot of you are probably wondering why I am posting pics of almost naked men on the site. The answer you seek is a simple one - I thought it was about time to look after the many female and homosexual visitor's to Orsm.net and prove at the same time that I am a versatile mother fucker...

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THE 3 BEARS

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge!?", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge!?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !!"

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16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

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Breats you could stare at for hours... Mesmerising almost.

Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty

Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty - Busty

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him, 'Bob, don't worry about it . You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...'

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality ‘Bob, you're a vet'

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COMPUTERS IN MOVIES

Have you ever noticed how computers in movies differ from real ones?

1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS."
8. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
9. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
10. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
11. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen.
12. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:

"We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches, please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

THE KIWI AND THE GORILLA

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Rick, a big Kiwi lad, who was responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery. Rick had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer, but on three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"I assure you, Rick - you will not have to kiss her" said the zoo manager.

"Sicondly, you must never till anyone about this" said Rick.

"I promise you, Rick" said the zoo manager. "Not one of us will ever breathe a word of this. Okay?" Rick merely nodded.

When the silence lengthened and Rick seemed intent on avoiding his gaze, the zoo manager prompted: "and your third condition?"

"Well," said Rick, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."

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PREGNANT

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came."

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

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Cyber Sex gets such a bad rap. There's essentially 3 identifiable sterotypes that people will tell you about when it comes to a cyber fuck-buddy...

Type 1: the person who is not what they say they are;
Type 2: the kind that preys on the small children;
Type 3: your regular freaky-fuck.

Surely they can't all be like that right? What if everyone you cybered with was like these babes...?? [okay not all of em are babes but maybe they once were or someday will be..!!]

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DRAFTED

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap… The Army is still looking for him.

Random Shite. Open your nostrils and figure it out for yourself...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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GROWING PAINS

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

After several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

ORSM VIDEO

I'm not sure if this update cuts it as the biggest one yet but fuck me if it doesn't come close. I guess I've had a bit longer than usual to come up with something respectable though. It was actually probably a thrid bigger than what you see here [if that makes sense] but when I noticed it taking for-fucking-ever to load I thought it wise to chop it down a bit. Still, if you've loaded this page it means you just downloaded over 400k. If you read any of those HTML help manuals one of the first things they tell you is to make sure you keep your page sizes small... but fuck it - no one seems to be complaining.

Anyways, I hope this has kept you all amused for a while. I know it did for me. In the mean time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to vote! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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