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October 2005...
 
orsmupdate 2005.10.27-23.52
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Cake pls.

No way has it been a whole week since the last update. I swear 7 days aint as long as it used to be. Maybe I should go back to fortnightly updates. What do you guy's think?

As has been the norm lately, everything has been nice and quiet around here. Weird because as I said a while back this is the time of year that something will [and always does] fuck up. Unfortunately I can't mention the occurrences of the last couple of years because by doing so I will inadvertently jinx myself thus triggering a cataclysmic event that will take the next month to fix whatever it is that I have destroyed. I've already said to much... lets continue shall we...

The highlight of my week has to have been when the guy at the pet food shop told me I smelt nice... [Despite that fact I did] I don't think I've ever had to restrain myself more from calling someone a fag than I did at that particular moment. It's something you don't ever say to another guy unless you are related, have known each other well for at least 5 years or are in a sexual relationship with him. Sadly, for the pet food guy none of these criteria were met so he was left to settle for uncomfortable silence whilst I nervously awaited my credit card to process and tried not to hold the pen in a suggestive way.

Plans for this weekend... learn how to replace the washers in my taps. Pretty much all of them [except one] started leaking within a few weeks of moving in here and ever since then I've gained great insight to how a constant 'drip-drip-drip' could be used to torture someone...

Add to that I recently got my first water bill which whilst not quite a momentous occasion left me feeling a little guilty. Why? Well up until now I have never in my life had to pay a water bill. I don't think I even knew you had to pay for water until I moved out of home and it didn't matter because the landlord payed it so we never saw it. Anyway, back to what I was saying... I opened the envelope and started reading through and was shocked to find out I was being charged for 27,000 litres of usage over 102 days... 27,000 LITRES!! Impossible. That's the entire contents of a decent sized backyard swimming pool.

click here for more

So I jump on the phone to the Water Corp, spend 5 minutes wading [wading - get it!?] through their call system until I get to an operator who politely explains that, if anything, I am slightly under the average water usage... even for a person who lives by themself. Apparently a five minute shower chews through up to 200 litres of water plus by the time you do dishes, use the toilet, wash your clothes etc etc it's not a hard figure to achieve.

I think the lady actually thought I was a bit of a retard because the bill was only for around $11 so not exactly bank breaking stuff but until now if you ever had of asked me how much water I use my guess wouldn't have come anywhere close to that.

Moving on... I noticed that its time again for the annual Pride Parade and I'm thinking it may be time to head in and witness this spectacle for myself. I think the last time I went to watch it was about 5 years ago and I remember getting there early so we'd have a decent place to stand and watch parade go past. As it turned out we got in a fair but earlier than necessary so it gave us time to down a few beers and maybe even bring on that preliminary stage of over-confident shit stirring drunkenness... which brings us to how I pissed off the cop...

Whilst standing at the side of the road waiting for the festivities to begin the Police were doing their job walking back and forth making sure no one crossed over the barrier. So I waited... waited until one walked right past in front of us... and when one did - I cheered. He pretended like he didn't notice and kept walking. A minute or two later he walked past again so this time I cheered - louder. He stopped, looked at me and just remained staring whilst I remained cheering and clapping as if he were part of the parade.

Poor guy. It was pretty obvious that despite his thick moustache he probably wasn't gay and definitely didn't wanna be walking the beat at a party for queer folk. To make matters worse I had incited a mass cheering which eventually turned to laughter by everyone around me all directed at this one cop who was STILL staring at me like everything would be okay if he could just take out his gun and shoot me. To this day its still one of the funniest things I have witnessed. I think that's enough small talk for the moment. lets get cracking with this update...

The other day I was over at a buddies site checking out the live chat and HOLY SHIT it was rockin! No kidding, people were on their webcams doing things you usually have to pay to see - but this is ALL FREE! I figured between that, the cool vids, plethora of jokes, and the money he gave me, I better send you guys over to see it - check out the new and improved BeerAndShots.com!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's a melting pot for sweet liquid honey lovers. Black, Asian and Latina, though the legs do divide and the mouths open wide, it's a small world after all.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Stag Whore - Ali G Interview - She Swallows! - Inappropriate - Dave Chapelle - Corpse Prank - Speed Climbing

Rate My Pix - Retard Wrestling - Pimp My Bride - Lost Links - WOW! - WWE Hotties - Holy Hannah - Scary Spider

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board." "I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer." "Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?" The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." "That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?" "It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."

click here for more

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End on their way to Kakadu. He was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute (pickup). It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "God dammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "Because I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour ago!"

ORSM VIDEO
I've got to admit I am a lot more restrained behind the wheel of a car these days. I tend not to belt around quite as fast as I used to and as a result my tyres seem to last longer and I get less speeding fines. I guess you slowly come to the realisation you cant beat the cops... or so I thought. These guys actually test just how fast you need to be moving to beat the flash. Very cool vid. Check it.

- How To Beat A Speed Camera -

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IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young grand daughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

click here for more

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READER MAIL
I have no idea why but it felt like a quiet email week this week... until Wednesday that is. Wednesday is the day I usually delve deep into my inbox and begin the arduous task of sorting through the hundreds of emails you guys have sent me and it took me for freakin ever to get through them this week. Thanks to all the contributors - you guys rock!

For all the rest of you bad, bad people who have never dropped me a line before you should feel free to send me absolutely anything you want including nude pics of your mum, pictures of your dog taking a dump or the mess you made of your car whilst driving like a dickhead. You can do that by clicking here.

Anyway let's get on with it. Allow me to start with the responses to what Russ had to say last week about the use of 'New Years' in my blog. From the responses that I got, two things have become clear. 1. My use of correct grammar and punctuation are lacking at best & 2. Most of you guy's missed the fact Russ was only messing around... kinda...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: long time reader
Years man, every week I come to your site. I am in desperate need of some help though. I don't expect anything but if you could check out my auction you will see what I mean. Keep up the great work!

Jonathan wrote:
Subject: Russ wrote:New Years?????????????
Just a quick response to Russ: "New Years" is actually New Year's which has just become a short, slang version of New Year's Eve. Example: I'm going home for Christmas but I'll be spending New Year's (Eve) face down in a drunken stupor.

Nick Sullivan wrote:
Subject: hmm.. mountain time......
Hey Russ, I never knew Canada has just one time zone.... considering it's part of north america i would have thought it would have several time zones from east to west.... like australia, and every other continent..... oh and on New Years, being lazy people just say new years because your usually celebrating New Year's Day (because it's a day for the new year) like Loretta's Dildo, who's dildo? Lorettas, who's day New Years..... so don't attack the webmaster, and I suggest the only place you put your tongue is firmly between the cheeks of your ass! ahh thank fuck it's friday.....

.: vitriol :. wrote:
Subject: Russ's e-mail
To Russ, who wrote in to bitch about the "s" on the end of your "New Years": grow up. First, it's not pluralisation, it's left over from what you actually celebrate - "New Year's Eve". Mr Orsm just wrote it as he says it. You can't inflect an apostrophe. Your email would have been fine if you'd been smart enough to get your grammar and spelling right, you big dumb hypocrite. You don't need 7 exclamation marks where one would do! See! How easy is this! Also, random capitalisation isn't really necessary... last time I checked, "with" wasn't a noun. Mr Orsm was simply doing the same as you, only with less moronic AOL-speak mistakes - "gotta"? You mean "got to". You're so ghetto. I couldn't care less about grammar and spelling, but moronic hypocrisy drives me mad. On a side note, my balls are huge and your site rocks. Or do I mean "rock" Russ?

Russell F wrote:
Subject: New Year's Day
Oh Dear. Some guy called Russ was mouthing off about Americans using the expression 'New Years' and complaining that it was a plural. No such thing - it's posessive as in New Year's Day (the day belonging to the New Year). The abbreviation, therefore, is New Year's and quite correct. Nitpickingly yours.

Jason Williamson wrote:
Subject: New YearS
Good day, Mr. Orsm. I'm a long time listener, first time caller. First of all, I want to say that I look forward to your site every week. Now, on to the nitty-gritty. I'm not usually a bitcher, but I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding with the whole New Year's thing. My understanding is that when people refer to the New Year, they are referring to New Year's Day or New Year's Eve. In that sense, it's a singular possessive. There is nothing plural about it. It may be typed incorrectly at times; but I think when it's verbalized, the apostrophe is assumed as well as an ellipsis (...) Such as: "What are you doing for New Year's..." Just because we don't finish the sentence doesn't make us idiots. Lazy maybe, but not idiots. I think we understand that it's a singular possessive and assume that everyone else can figure it out. I hope I cleared that up for the misunderstood. Keep up the great work. You have an impressive site.

msle wrote:
Subject: Camel Toe
Tell that wanker from last weeks update that it is New Years' Eve! Only everyone leaves off the apostrophe. It is New Years' Eve. As in the eve belonging to the new year. Fuckin Canadian education system is obviously shot. Poor bastard will spend the rest of his life saying "Do you want fries with that?". Hope he looks good in a paper hat!

Matt wrote:
Subject: hhhhmm...
Hey Mr Orsm, in your recent update, the "merc cl55" is in fact an SL 55, and why does the badge at the end say SL 525? Just a thought. And why does the owner say it's a CL too, can't het read the badge? Seeing as the CL is a completely different car.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: spiders
Woosie, I have a Tarantula named Harry who sits with me when I'm on the net, have to watch him though he has a tendency to walk on the keyboard and is heavy enough to press the keys down. Imagine your outstretched hand with his body in the middle of your palm, his legs would hang over both sides by a few inches. Really cool pet.

Your're a sick, sick man. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Romanian Lass
Howzit Meneer Orsm? We in South Africa rarely get to see ladies of Eastern European origin proudly displaying their produce. I was, therefore, intrigued to find that the pictures posted this week of said lady contained the most fascinating shot of distinctly over-used genitalia I have ever seen. Far from her guava looking like half a pound of liver, this particular individual seems to be sporting a snatch that resembles a soggy welly end. Memorable bomb doors indeed! Its not often you see beef curtains of those proportions. Thanks for the ongoing education.

Damion wrote:
Subject: Indy
Mr ORSM, You are my only hope! Of course there is going to be plenty of piccies from Indy on the weekend, most of the better ones wont be of cars. But did you see the presentation of the Indy race it self? The Indy girl (maybe Miss Indy her self) had the biggest Camel toe, hopefully you and all your resources can obtain some piccies for your site. Which by the way is great, I've been visiting for nearly three years now.

Alex wrote:
Subject: Backstreet Boys Impression by two Chinese blokes
This is classic and an absolute Pisser... you should have a look... Note: You need sound...

Phil wrote:
Subject: Emmanuelle Chriqui Nipple Slip
Hey, Check out Emmanuelle Chriqui from season 2 of Entourage in a rather see-through shirt.

rhinos wrote:
Subject: AUHC Rhinos - Yardstick for Rhinos' end of 2006 season bash
Had a couple of drinks on the weekend, but didn't know what to do with the empties. That is what you call a Party

click to enlarge click to enlarge

stallionpants wrote:
Subject: my porn & request
Hi orsm long time reader first time caller hope u enjoy ther pics of me & my girlfriend she is sooo hot considering she has just had my first born. But dude a couple of weeks back u posted a prank instant messenger link about a sex survey or something PLEASE can u post it again i got a great use for it.p.s. pls dont post my show my details only call me stallionpants lol.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: want some salad?
Hey orsm, long time fan from scotland, but travelling around the world. I spent three months in thailand at the start of my trip, where they have trouble destinguishing P's from B's... Keep my details hidden if you post this

click to enlarge

Jason Packer wrote:
Subject: picture of speedometer
Hey Orsm, big fan of the site, been visiting it for a couple years now and i decided that its about time to send something to ya. After seeing all these people lately sending you picture of their speedometers going REALLY fast and such... so i decided that i would send you a picture of mine as well. the vehicle is a 99 toyota tacoma prerunner. ill get ya a pic of the truck and the speedometer... i think youll enjoy it. (i felt like i was flying)

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Robert Battle wrote:
Subject: damn tourists
thought you could add these to a future installment of damn tourists.... got these in panama city beach florida... a.k.a redneck riviera

click for gallery

Alex wrote:
Subject: Barbers in Poland................
Oh my God, Ive been loyal to my hairdressers for around 10 years..... but I think Im definately switching hairdressers. The problem is, that I have to go all the way to Sweden. This would be a great idea for all you hairdresser shop owners. Mamma Mia!!!!!

click for gallery

Kevin wrote:
Subject: Smashed jeep
Greetings from southeast Texas where Hurricane Rita passed through last month. Some poor guy left his jeep parked in the parking lot of Jack in the Box in Beaumont, Texas. The sign blew over and landed right on top it. The hole in the ground is where is top part of the sign hit.

click for gallery

Pricey wrote:
Subject: How rich is John Travolta?
Ummm .....apparently old mate Johnno isnt short of a few dollars!

Wow! -Orsm

click for gallery

Robert wrote:
Subject: Holden Efigy
Mr. Orsm, As a fellow car guy, if you have not seen this yet, you will appreciate it. It's the Holden Efigy concept car. It's simply stunning!

I was going to post these in this update so here are the pics I had instead. I want one... -Orsm

click for gallery

Mark Lawrence wrote:
Subject: BBoyin vid music
I believe the song is "Street Level" by Def Cut.

This was asked a few weeks back in reference to this vid. Cheers mate! -Orsm

click to listen

Camo wrote:
Subject: Finally something worth sending...
i'm fairly sure i haven't seen this posted on your site before. i had never seen it before anyway. pretty funny shit if you ask me.

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Janet Jackson naked
I found this on the net some place. Probably one of your links or featured sites. Nope, usenet. Usenet rocks. It looks to be a few years old, but she's still hella hot. TAP THAT ASS!!! I only wish the vid were longer. I could watch this all day. Hide my info?

click to watch vid

Dillo_09 wrote:
Subject: Video
Hey ORSM, I love your site, keep up the good work. I am a long time lurker until now when I found a video email you may enjoy!!

Have recieved this particular clip so many times from so many people. Please stop. Please. -Orsm

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: tyra
Whatta find. Love the site. Don't post my junk please.

How come I keep reading about Tyra and her boobs? I like her style. Never stop Tyra... never. -Orsm

click to watch vid

jrh wrote:
Subject: We use real guns
You'd say 'holy f*ck' too. This is at a range near Arcadia, Oklahoma USA. We use real guns here. from tornado alley

Okay you got me... holy fuck! -Orsm

click to watch vid

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."

click here for more

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg. So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

"Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple."

ORSM VIDEO

THE WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne..."

AMAZING = ALL NATURAL BABES WITH HUGE BOOBS GETTING FUCKED
HARDCORE EVERY WHICH WAY IMAGINABLE!

RANDOM SHITE
Let's make this a long one shall we... although you may want to tread with caution!!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

George Dubya was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them"!

The third kid said, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped...?" The kid says, "No but I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

click here for more

At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich "PB&J AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!".

The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich "TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I'm going to jump off with you!".

The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams "HELL, bologna again, well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!

Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off.

At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "if only he had told me, I would have fixed something else." The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem... I thought he liked tuna." But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said "well I just... just... don't understand! He made his own lunch!"

ORSM VIDEO

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

Poke me with a fork - I'm done. I'm sorry to say it but this update has come to an end and its time to wish you all farewell for another 7 days. If I have done my job properly then I've successfully managed to keep plenty of you away from whatever else it is that you are supposed to be doing. In return all I ask for this is that you tell all your friends about ORSM DOT NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember that one sure fire cure for the common cold is suicide. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.10.20-21.34
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. No pushing or you can go to the back of the line.

Whats shakin' kiddies? Everyone having a good week? Me... Well I can't complain but I'm sure if you give me a few minutes I will work out a way change that.

I've had one of those killer weeks where I have been ultra-productive. I'd almost go as far as to say I've got more done this week than I have all year but I would quite possibly just be talking out of my rectum. I don't know what's wrong with me but I woke up Monday morning fired up, motivated and ready to get stuff done. I figure these periods come around rarely so like grandpa with an erection I probably shouldn't waste it...

The only negative of my newfound studiousness is that aside from walking the dog each afternoon I have hardly left the house this week. Yes I have no life.

Last weekend was more or less uneventful too. I spent most of Saturday cruising around catching up with friends followed by more weeding and plant removal with one of them being particularly stubborn and leaving my arms and legs scraped and scratched. It was about then I realised that the flies have begun to arrive for the warmer months ahead. Little bastards.

Sunday was a pretty lazy day. We went shooting in the morning and had a play with a 9mm Tanfoglio that we'd never tried before. I think I have found my new favourite gun. After that was a relaxed afternoon of watching Goonies which one of you guys got me from my wish list [whoever it was - thankyou very much!].

click here for more

At this point the coming weekend is looking much like that last and it's now that I am finally starting to realise I don't think I understood what I was in for when I moved in here. I distinctly remember saying that I was looking forward to doing some gardening but this is getting out of control. The people who previously lived here must have spent all their time mowing lawn, weeding, pruning and planting stuff because that's all I seem to have done for the last 4-5 weekends and the end is nowhere in site.

Sunday is hopefully going to the first trip to the dog beach since around March I think. I've been itching for the warmer weather to get here so we could start hitting it again and this Sunday is apparently going to be on of those days.

I'm also looking forward to getting the dog washed regularly again. I've pretty much given up on doing it myself so through most of winter she doesn't get washed too much. Imagine a 50kg German Shepherd uncooperatively cooperating and you will understand what I mean. The beauty of going to the dog beach is the doggie-wash people who will wash and dry her for $12.

Anyway, enough dribbling. I've spent far too many hours sitting in front of the computer over the last few days to write anything vaguely interesting [as you will have noticed] so I will cut the bullshit and get on with the update...

There's no pussy like free pussy. IdleBabes is updated daily with hot videos, and galleries to satisfy your lusts. It's not a paysite, and all of the content is free. So why aren't you checking out Lexi being gagged or Sexy Christine Mendoza right now??

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Craving a bit more than your average media fix? Head over to IdleRiot which not only has different types of media for everyone, but has a whole different experience as well. Regularly updated with articles, specials, links, contests and other content, why settle for anything less? Check out idleriot's babe videos, and hot prizes while you're there!

Been looking to know how the better half lives? Upper Class Video shows sweater set sex as snotty sluts earn matching pearl necklaces. Imagine uptight bitches letting their hair down and making better than nice with the pool boy while we watch as the action unfolds from two different angles simultaneously.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Life On The Streets - Temper Tanty - Scare Me - All In - Sex In The Matrix - Wrong - Police Brutality - Owned

Rate My Body! - Jordan Capri - Jessica Simpson - Wassup! - Hottest Teen - Peter Griffin - TPTL

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?". Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
--
A stockbroker is busted for inside trading, convicted, and sent to prison. As he gets to his cell, his worst fear is there to greet him. His cellmate is a six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound man, says, "you want to be the husband or do you want to be the wife?" The stockbroker weighs the options. He figures it s better to give than to receive so he says, "I'll be the husband". The six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound sweaty man says, "then why don't you be a good husband and suck your wife's dick...!!"

click here for more

Two dads from the neighbourhood were standing around watching their kids play on the playground. These guys are always trying to top each other with new jokes.

One of the dads, Pete, pipes up and asks Bob if he knew anything about wrestling. Bob proceeds to tell him a thing or two, and walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through his right armpit and his hand on Pete's neck.

"What's this called?" Bob asks. "That's a half-nelson," Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head. "Very good, Petey," Bob replied. "Now, what's this?"

He did the same exact thing to Pete's left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him. "That's a full-nelson," Pete said, trying to figure out what Bob's joke could be.

"Right!" Bob said. Then, remaining behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete's over by putting pressure on his neck, Bob bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his ass.

"So what's this?" Bob said. "I don't know," Pete admitted. Bob shouted, "It's a Father Nelson!"

click here for more

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

ORSM VIDEO
If there's one thing that I hate its spiders. They're ugly, scary looking and you can't trust them not to lay eggs inside your ear canal whilst you asleep. All that considered you will probably understand why this week's featured vid freaked me out so much after you see it for yourself. Absolutely bloody disgusting! Check it...

- Spider Factor -

click here for more

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?". The man replied "I can't piss out of it..."

click here for more

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READER MAIL
So I guess you guys have been busy - my email has been brimming with countless emails from all corners of the globe. So much so that I have had to contract out several sweat shops in China just to help handle the volume. They were also able to provide some valuable feedback. In future they definitely wanna see more nude pics of your ex, hilarious jokes, offensive videos or just about anything else you would like to share! All you've got to do is click here to email me!

Gertrisa wrote:
Subject: howdy
howdy Mr orsm, love the site!! hate drink drivers..... was wondering if you would give an idea a plug for me and see what people think, or even pass it on to someone who might do something about it? see, i figure, if there was a penalty for passengers of drink drivers it would be an even better incentive to stop the dickheads who drink drive from having willing passengers at least. a fine for each unlicensed passenger, and a fine plus license demerit points for passengers with a license to be paid by the passenger. this way less people will get in the car with a drink driver for fear of their own points and a fine (as if dying or killing someone else isn't enough huh??!!). also this wont take anymore manpower to execute and will bring in more revenue (maybe they could reduce our registration or taxes.... lmao as if). anyway thanks for your time. i am not a wowser or anything just a recently separated single mum who thought you just might be the man to suss an idea like this and get some drunk asses off the road.

Cam Hardy wrote:
Subject: Speedo's
Orsm, I'm kinda hoping this fad of guys sending in videos and/or pictures of the instrument cluster while they are doing high speeds is going to die out pretty soon. Do these guys think they are doing something special??? Big deal if you can do 220 KPH in your SL500, any fuckwit with two working arms and two working legs and half a brain can put their foot on the gas pedal and drive in a straight line. Want to impress me - take you car to a track day and see how you go braking and turning corners with people who take ametuer motorsport seriously and you will quickly find out how shit you really are behind the wheel. How about next time im on a plane I go into the cockpit and take a photo of the pilot doing 500 KPH?? Wankers.

Russ wrote:
Subject: New Years????????????
Hi there Mr., ORSM guy! You piss me off!!! You and the millions of North Americans (both north and south of the 49th parallel who say "New YearS." As in.... "It suddenly occurred to me last weekend that with Christmas and New Years coming up..... and... The other option on the table is a jaunt down south for a week with New Years somewhere in the middle of it." What's with the fucking plural????? Last time I looked we celebrate them one by one. (Thank God!!!) Altho' I gotta admit I did have two in one night. I took a late flight to the Dominican Republic one year, celebrated New Year (Canadian time) in the air on the way down and then again (Dominican time) when we got there. But..... it was the same fucking one!!!!!!! Drop the "S" okay! Having vented my spleen, please accept my very best wishes to you and yours over the festive season, comfortable in the knowledge that I shall faithfully continue to 'monitor' your excellent website With tongue firmly in cheek.

Simon wrote:
Subject: Re: 'Indy - Get your motor running...'
Yo O, You've probably been told this already, but just in case, in the first Indy photo, the second girl from the left is 'Michelle' from Big Brother 2005. Secondly, I just wanted to say thanks for those Dubai images. Those were by far some of the most impressive and jaw dropping images I have seen for a long time. No email info please, while good luck with getting rid of all the roots in the ground from the tree, hehe. Thanks.

shawn wrote:
Subject: funny link for the website
thought this webpage was retarded enough to put on the site. go batman go!!!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex-girlfriend
Hello, ur site is the best!!! This is a pic of my ex who decide to sleep with two other guys before breaking it off with me.She's a slut!Please don't show my details.
click to enlarge

Ike wrote:
Subject: Photo
Your site Rocks! So I decided to contribute something to it> Here is a photo I took at Church street - Melbourne. Who Needs Car Alarms :)

click to enlarge

j stuff wrote:
Subject: japanese mistake
i wonder what the 3rd anniversary will be. also how the fuck do you pronounce 2st?

Easy. You just say '2st'... Orsm

click to enlarge

Locnar wrote:
Subject: New product.
Concept I came up with. Hope you like. No details please. If you identify me please use Locnar.

Good luck with that one mate... -Orsm

click to enlarge
ClayLon wrote:
Subject: Sponnge Bob
Hi Mr. Orsm, Here's one naughty pic of spongebob. :))
click to enlarge

Vothoar wrote:
Subject: Cameltoe
Hi Mr. ORSM, Maybe this is something for your next camel toe section in one of your next updates.... Tweety has got one!

Hot!! -Orsm

click to enlarge
Wayne wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic, NZ Style.
Hi. A small contribution. Anyway, I thought it was funny. Only in NZ...
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: finally something to send to orsm
Hi Orsm, I've been a fan of your site for a long time and all this time I have felt like I should be able to find something that is worthy of being submitted to your site that does not consist of pictures of my penis. After all this time I finally found it. At lunch with a friend the other day at a local chinese restaurant. Guess they are moving up the food chain. Enjoy

click to enlarge

mike wrote:
Subject: birdfood
Check out fat balls for birds... To good

I have some similar... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Darryl wrote:
Subject: Clever advertising
Dear Mr Orsm, Allow me to compliment you on a great site. My buddies and I look forward to your weekly update and its your site that gets us through a Friday at work and sets the mood for a great weekend. You rencently published a pic of my mate (Caution Live children), so thought it time to contribute too. I was filling my car at a petrol station here in Johannesburg South Africa when i spotted this FHM delivery van getting some juice... Thought you might appreciate it.

click to enlarge

Firky wrote:
Subject: Malaysian shops
Eh up ORSM! These pics of Malaysian shops tickled me. No wonder the directions to the 'Corner Shop' are never quite understood.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Dubs wrote:
Subject:
The ride day went ORSM. We raised around 12k and had about 600 bikes. Not bad for our first effort and with only 3 months organizing!! Thanx for the link and the support. All of the fotos' are here... There are some cool harley types in there too. And hows this 125 vespa at wanneroo raceway...

click for gallery click to enlarge

jkable wrote:
Subject: greatest sight ever, check this out
Greatest sight ever, me and all my boys in Baltimore,Md love you. I know this speed isnt really anything impressive but can you believe I spent $122,000 for a 03 CL55 and the fucking thing has a speed limiter at 160. Talk about pissed. My SL600 with Renntech stuff has a 160 speedo in it and I can bury it, defenitly a 200 mph car and this dumb thing has a 200 speedo and can't. Thanks

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: cars and girls
Finally made time to get the pics off the camera. They are from Adelaide Motor Show back in April 2005

click for gallery

Rodney wrote:
Subject: awesome ride from South Carolina
Here's some pics of an awesome ride a neighbor of mine ride around town in..... Reckon he has alot of time on his hands??????

click for gallery

marcus boggs wrote:
Subject: crazy gorrila stuff
hey orsm bn comin to yer site fer hell and ever, since like 2001 and ive never had anything interestin for yah, but by god i think ull like this check um out man.By the way im gettin me one of those damn suits, there kick ass

click for gallery

cosmin wrote:
Subject: girl
hy,i am cosmin from romania. this is my girlfriend. take a look at this romanian girl. this is a real romanian pussy.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: video clip.
hello orsm, long time lurker. glad to have something that you may be interested in. the video clip is dutch actress Katje Schuurman drinking her own bath water, Baileys Irish Cream.

That actually kinda gross's me out... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Chris Beuckeleers wrote:
Subject: Drunk guy
Hey Orsm, A movie of a guy here in Belgium who did a bet with his friends that he could drink 10 Duvels in 1 hour. Duvel is a Belgian beer which has 8,5% alcohol. The first five he drinks in under 5 minutes. Be sure to watch the latest 30 seconds. Warning, rather large clip.

click to watch vid

terry marti wrote:
Subject: fast mini!
hey dude, been a fan for years, but seriously, check this out! a guy who fabricates parts for my mk1 escort has built an extremely rapid mini!! its a 2 litre zetec turbo lump with a spaceframe chassis. the first run was slow due to a missed gear, but the second run was pretty good! its now even faster and this summer he's racing again hoping to get into the 10's.

click to watch vid

Felipe Rijo wrote:
Subject: Crazy actress
Hey Mr. Orsm, This vid has been circulating in Brazil lately. It shows hot actress Paula Burlamaqui having a nervous breakdown that involves stripping. Weird, huh?

click to watch vid

les wrote:
Subject: dolmio advert
hi mr orsm, i thought you would like this advert we have in the UK only someone has dubbed a voice with a glasgow accent onto it. it's pretty funny. i have more if you want them....

I thought Australia was the only country that had to suffer these Dolmio ads! -Orsm

click to watch vid

A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

click here for more

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

ORSM VIDEO

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN DEFINITELY DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So they walked up and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... you see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

THE WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!

RANDOM SHITE
In my opinion this is one of the best Shite's I've put together in a log time. The nasty has been kept to a minimum and the good stuff is plentiful... or I am I just trying to lull you guy's into a false sense of security? I guess you'll never know unless you check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed... "Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"

click here for more

That's a wrap people. Another huge update done and dusted. Surprisingly I managed to get this one finished earlier than I have in frickin ages which means I may get an early nite for a change although there's an even better chance I will remember something I needed to do at 1am and spend the next 2 hours sorting it out... Ie. a typical Thursday nite.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to scrub behind your ears. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.10.13-23.38
click here for more

Orsm to Welcomenet.

How are we all this week? I've been busier than a cage full of monkeys on crack around the site lately and as I write this all i can think about is getting some sleep. For some unknown reason it's been one of those weeks where I've been extremely late to sleep and very early to rise which leaves me tired all day which really sucks ass.

It suddenly occurred to me last weekend that with Christmas and New Years coming up it meant that January was right around the corner too... obviously... kind of. I'm getting ahead of myself here...

January of course is the one month of the year that I look forward to because it means summer, it means beach, it means cruising and it means slacking. Ah slacking... that great Australian pastime where you do 'sweet fuck all'.

So why do I choose to give a shit about January now? Because experience has taught me that if I want to have a few days off I need to start preparing anything I can for future updates now. So when all I wanna do is park it on the couch and spend an entire day watching DVD's and drinking beer I can do it without feeling guilty that an update isn't going to get done thus exposing me to the harsh criticisms of you guys...

Discussion has also begun between my friends and I about what we're doing to celebrate the New Year [I swear discussion starts earlier every year]. At the moment we have two options...

click here for more

First is what we've done for the last five or six years - head into the city to our favourite bar, get drunk and have a great time. The only thing guaranteed to put a damper on the nite is trying to get home. You don't have to be a genius to work out that when you stick I don't know how many thousands of people in one area, they are all going to want to get home at some point. And how do they do that? That's right... with taxi's. And what happens when demand outstrips supply? You have to fucking wait. I swore last year I wasn't going to suffer through that again so unless I can work out how I'm getting home without going via taxi there is no way in hell I'm putting myself through it again.

The other option on the table is a jaunt down south for a week with New Years somewhere in the middle of it. Great idea and I honestly cant remember the last time I actually went away for a holiday but I am still undecided on this one for a number of reasons that have more to do with me and the way my brain works as opposed to anyone else. Aside from me being a psycho I won't have anyone who can look after the dog for that long so it kind of kills it before it starts.

Moving on... my little garage project continues. I spent some of last weekend taking an axe to an overgrown vine that stood in the way of progress. It wasn't exactly what I would call hard but I was amazed at how that stuff grows. Ie. EVERYWHERE. As soon as you start to think you have a section of it coming off you find more roots wrapped around or stuck to something else. Quite impressive really.

Beyond that the weekend is looking nice and quiet. I'm still hanging out for a nice, clear Sunday so we can hit the dog beach for the first time in a long time but according to the forecast that aint going to happen. Ah well... there's always next week...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I Love Titties. I do. I honestly do. It's the first thing I notice on a chick and thing I most remember about her. I don't care if they are big or small or anywhere in between I just know that I Love Titties!

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to swing I go. Just imagine if you knew a girl that would sleep with seven men but marry the first one to come along and kiss her. It's the kind of chick you find at Real Tampa Swingers. Horny wives marry one and sleep with many, but just remember Prince Charming kissed more than one princess too.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Criss Angel: Amazing - Titty Bounce - Knock Knock - Sad - Free Chris - Reporter Attack - KY Wrestling - Rate ME!

Wet & Soapy - Drunk Stack - LesBeFriends - Roasted - Porn TopList - Geography - WebClam - Wild West Hottie

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around. She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me." Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three." Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there." So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand." Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!" Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says. Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

click here for more

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

ORSM VIDEO
This week's featured vid is by two of my favourite comedians - Merrick & Rosso. Chances are if you're not an Aussie you will never have heard of them but lucky for you I'm about to change all that! The clip is from their new show called The B-Team and is a particularly funny dig at a well known stereotype. Check it...

- Merrick & Rosso Present: Dimitri -

click here for more

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he ripped off his clothes and started banging his dick on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
It never ceases to amaze me how much email pours in some days. Absolute craziness. This, I might add, is why it's impossible to reply to all of you but I'm sure you guys understand. Anyway, if you would like to make my day by sending me nude pics of your bitchy ex, naked pics of your current girlfriend, a funny joke or a kick ass vid you made then I will do my best to post it on the site... if it makes the grade of course! Just click here and send send send!

JT wrote:
Subject: Car Washing
I see you wash your car with a shammy. I find that a chamois gives great results as well. Actually I 've never seen a shammy for sale here - you must have far better shops in Perth. Sad about the Eagles, even sadder about the Swans. Oh well at least Andrew Demetriou is happy!

I thought if I said Chamois then most people would have absolutely no idea what I was talking about. -Orsm

Christopher wrote:
Subject: Cleaning Under The Hood
Hey Orsm, What sort of angle do you take when cleaning under the hood?

There's a double meaning here isn't there...? -Orsm

Cam Hardy wrote:
Subject: Evil fest
Sacha Baron Cohen right?? He turned this guy into a new character called Boris.....

Yep. For anyone who didn't pick it up, last weeks featured vid was the same guy who does Ali G, Borat etc. -Orsm

TyLeR dUrDeN wrote:
Subject: James Barr (please leave out my contact details Orsm, cheers)
Gday Orsm. James Barr, you wouldn't know your dick from your head mate...and for good reason. You are right about one thing, there has been AMAZING concern and care for the civilians in Iraq... only over 100,000 dead so far! Not bad for such an AMAZINGLY justifiable reason to go to war, which was for the many of Weapons of Mass Destruction that never existed. Or was it for the good of the Iraqi people who are enjoying their beloved democracy? I don't know about anyone else reading this, but if I had to put a bet on it perhaps it might be something more to do with a little thing called Peak Oil, 'political influence' in one of the only regions in the world still resisting 'Americanisation', the well being of the bank accounts of fuckwads like Dick Chaney and good ol' fashioned GREED. Before you right something stupid that other people are going to read mate make sure you know what you're talking about. Peace

<with held> wrote:
Subject: re video posted
Love the orsm.net site a must see every friday arvo.Was disappointed to see a video of a persons head being stood on and kicked.Not sure if that sort of gutless thuggery is needed on such an awesome site.

Craig wrote:
Subject: Slugmo is dyslexic
I NEVER SAID IT WAS LA.... or anything else. The pics are true and real. ONLY A PERSON WITH SLUGMO FOR A NAME WOULD ASSUME IT WAS..... And a quick but incomplete search has revealed that at least 3 passenger aircraft are documented as suffering nosewheel incidents in 2005. LAX incident included.

MUHAMMAD BILAL wrote:
Subject: mafia sign
Greetings, Regarding the pickaxes on the Audi, i think, Mafia dont need 7 pickaxes to deliver one message. Keep up the good work and God bless.

Rob wrote:
Subject: i like guys
this is a letter to all of my closest friends, i would like to tell you that i have decided to take this time to announce that i like guys! i hope non of you will judge me for this and will continue to stay friends with me. ps. i promise not to hit on any of my male friends! Thanks.

Phil wrote:
Subject: Is that Jessica Alba's Nipple?
Hey, You know when you see a nipple slip, but you're just not sure it was a nipple slip? Now add Jessica Alba to that thought. And that's my predicament. Let me know what you think...

bubbles wrote:
Subject: hottest BMW ever!
hey orsm, might be something for your next update: dopey.de/pics/bmw_m6/

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex boobs
Hey Orsm, Here's a pic of my exgirlfriend's boobs. Hope you enjoy them. I sure did.

I enjoy them. Thanks. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dagfari the Red wrote:
Subject: Indy - Get your motor running...
With Indy 2005 upcoming in the next few weeks, I hark back to some of my favourite mammaries from Indy 2004... We had a great view across the track to these well endowed ladies from where we were situated in the Chicane Club; 3rd shot of some cheeky ladies on our balcony. Looking forward to this year's festivities in a few weeks, apparently there's cars or something down there as well!!

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Eduard Phielix wrote:
Subject: Ferrari
This accident happend last august in Hardenberg, The Netherlands.

Ooops... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: more puppies
Orsm. Hey here is another pic, I think my girlfriend kind of digs the idea now... Hey its Art right !!!!!!!! all photoshoped of course but it's the end result that counts..

You truly are one of the good ones. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Los wrote:
Subject: Greetings from Austin Texas!
Dear Mr. Orsm, Awesome site, man! I have been checking out Orsm.net since the beginning and thought I would finally say hello. A few months back you had some street racing videos of a Lexus whooping some other cars. That's actually an acquaintance of mine and we usually frequent a site called www.texasracingscene.com . That 2jz SC is world famous and I for one can say I have seen it in person when it was in its prime. I don't really have much to offer other than a pic I have of my girlfriend. I didn't have a scanner so I had to snap a digipic. It's the cleanest pic I had, ha-ha! I would send you more, but my gf would literally kill me. Congrats and keep up the good work!!! Hook Em Horns!!!

click to enlarge

Scott Thompson wrote:
Subject: orsm picture taken with my new phone
hey orsm,first time sender long time reader, i recently bought a new phone with a preety good camera and ive been snapping photos like there is no tomorrow anyways i took this pic last night at my friends house we have had a few and my friend in the pic was using my other mates lighter and there was no way to change the height of the flame anyways she lit it up and just look...... preety kool i thought

click to enlarge

Nerdo wrote:
Subject: What happened to the Australian Idol?
I was flicking casually through STM (Sunday Times Magazine) observing the delightful spring fashion and talents alike when all of a sudden something appears to be wrong... Dude if that isn't Miss Piggy with a microphone in her hand then I'm Kermit the Frog!

YOURS! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Henry wrote:
Subject: Getting screwed . . .
Mr. Orsm. Enjoy the site immensely. At last something I can send in from Johannesburg South Africa. I think these people are trying to tell you from the word go that you are going to get screwed up the ass.

click to enlarge

David Waters wrote:
Subject: stupid sign
Hi Orsm.. Great site by the way. It really speeds my Fridays up. Anyway I was driving past this school in Johannesburg, South Africa and saw the most stupid sign. I mean really this is seriously stating the obvious. Thought you might get a laugh from it. Thanks for such an ORSM site.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hello
hello mr. orsm. i've been a fan of you from the time you first started your site, and now i felt like contributing something! so here you go! my first ever fake pic. please don't post my details!

click to enlarge

Mark wrote:
Subject: Reading in the Loo
I saw this toilet seat and thought that it would make a fine addition to your fine site. Keep up the good work!

I reckon that would have the opposite effect as guys tried to read the small print... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Phil Colema wrote:
Subject: I Thought This Was Funny....
Maybe my friends and I thought this was funnier because we were a little toasty whilest we played cards.... Maybe not. You decide.

click to enlarge

Dead Man wrote:
Subject: more wallpapers
Hello again! Still loving your site. I've got some more desktops done by a friend of mine and myself. His are the widescreen images and mine are done in good'ol 1024x768. Same as last time don't post the details, but Shotguns In Space(sis.keenspace.com) is still up and running. Keep up the good work.

The last one can be found here. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: bike action
i've noticed all the car-craziness over the past weeks. then i began wondering why nobody posts cool motorbike pictures. nobody made a start; so i thought: alright: i'll send mine. and here they are. not pro-like, but pretty good for amateurs. btw those bikes have pretty small machines (50-125ccm) ~ 5-25 hp

click for gallery

Dirty Dog wrote:
Subject: Speedo Pic and pics from far north QLD
Hi ORSM, I noticed that you get a lot of speedo pics of performace cars doing high speeds, well I thought that I would send in one of my own. The only difference is that I am doing 110 k's per hour on rough corrugated roads in far north Queensland where you can't see 50 meters in front of you and road trains are doing the same sort of speed coming towards you and then you can't see anything for fucking ages.

click for gallery

Fan from Chicago wrote:
Subject: Speed video
Orsm- Love your site and have been following it for years. Seems as if the pics of "how fast I am driving" are popular. Here is a video which is not as impressive as I thought it would be but decided to send it anyway. I decided to put the hammer down on my 01 SL500 and film it. The bad thing is that my camera only films for 20 sec at a time so it stopped at 130 but I pushed it up to 150. Enjoy.

click to watch vid

uber pr0n wrote:
Subject: Long time viewer, first time write-in-personer
I found this most interesting Flash thingy on tah intarweb the other day, and thought it'd be ferpect for yer site...gets kinda boring after a bit, but it's always nice to see new marketing techniques eh?

click to watch vid

Beno wrote:
Subject: Donut me!
this is kewl! Keep up the good work lad!

Good chance that's going to leave a bruise... -Orsm

click to watch vid

A Polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sitting down at the other end of the bar and orders a drink for her. The Polish guy calls the bartender over and asks, "Whatever she is drinking, give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies, "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" asks the Polish guy, "Send her the drink!" "Okay." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "And why not?" asks the Polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says, "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink" says the Polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the Polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

click here for more

PLANNED CONSTRUCTION IN DUBAI

Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai - Dubai

Moby was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.

Meandering in the cold, Moby decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.

Getting home at long last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.

Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.

Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.

Returning to his abode, Moby started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.

The cat looked at him and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

ORSM VIDEO

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN DEFINITELY DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!" The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says. "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "Okay, one more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's the matter, love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she yells. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she screams. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."

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RANDOM SHITE
Random Shite... things that people stick in their bums. Thankfully that is not what you will find here... or is it? Check it and find out for yourself!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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This Good Looking Guy walks into a Lounge (meat market). Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Sitting next to him is a short Bald headed, really ugly guy!! This gorgeous Blonde (perfect in every way) comes up to the bald man and they start talking. A little while later they leave.

The next night, The Good Looking guy comes back to the same place. The short fat ugly bald guy is there also. Well, this time he meets a gorgeous brunette. They talk and they leave.

The third night the same thing happens to the bald man. Well, finally on the fourth night, the good looking guy goes up to the short fat bald guy and tells him, "I have been coming in here for the last 3 nights and I see you leave here with a different beautiful woman every night. How do you do it?"

Well," the short, fat, ugly bald man says to him, "I'm a lawyer." "Hmm," The Good looking Guy thinks to himself. "A good idea!"

As he is thinking, a gorgeous blonde comes up to him and starts talking to him. She asked him what he did for a living and he told her that he was a lawyer. She says, "Let's go back to my place". At which he agrees. Well, they are having a great time in bed - awesome sex!!!

Well, after about an hour and a half, he starts laughing his head off!! The Blonde is very upset at this and asked him why he was laughing. He told her, "Here I have only been an attorney for an hour and a half, and already I'm screwing somebody!"

click here for more

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"...

Click for more awesomeness

Well that's me for another week. If you're actually reading this it means you made it all the way through the update and with some luck didn't think it sucked all that bad. Right? Anyway make sure you tune back in next week for more of that good old Orsm flavour you know and love... or at least just come back for the free porn.

Until next week be good, stay off the chems and remember to leave the toilet seat up when you are finished! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.10.06-23.15
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Have you had yours today?

Can you believe its October already? I looked under my bed, I looked on the internet, in the back shed, I even looked in the newspaper and for the life of me I cannot figure out where the hell this year has gone. This is my least favourite time of year too - everything that can go wrong WILL start to go wrong between now and December... but this year I'm ready for it so bring it on... albeit gently please!

Bali... what can I say about Bali. I'll be the first to admit that despite all the shit we've heard our politicians force feed us over the last few days about what the bad guys are trying to achieve, I still don't know what would ever posses someone to strap explosives to themselves and willingly kill innocent people. I do know it still wouldn't be justice even if these fuckers spent all eternity rotting in hell.

As usual the media has intrigued me. Like the rest of Australia I was at home on Saturday nite with singing along with 'The Sound Of Music' digitally remastered in HD. What did we get? Well we didn't get an interruption of programming from any channel and we definitely didn't get live, dedicated coverage for the next two days. All they gave us was a momentary scroll across the bottom of the screen announcing bomb blasts in Bali and a 30 second update during a commercial break. That's it.

A little different to the round the clock coverage following the London Tube bombings and 9/11. Sure, it was a lesser scale attack but when something like this happens people just want to know what's happening but there was nothing until the next morning. Perplexing. By the way I am joking about The Sound OF Music - I wasn't really singing.

Moving on... I'm about to embark on my next little home renovation job. For the last two or three months of living here I've begrudgingly left my car uncovered and out in the open. Okay that not such a big deal for most people and their cars but you're talking to a guy who frets about the damage caused by the sun's harmful rays on paintwork and religiously washes his car once a week... and I don't mean just a quick run through the evil, abrasive brushes of a car wash. I find myself compelled to do it properly.

click here for more

Everything must be thoroughly sponged with the right sponges [including separate ones for panels, wheels and especially dirty areas] followed by a top to bottom shammy which once again requires the use of two different shammy's. After that its just a case of wiping the windows in and out with micro fibre cloth's to ensure no streaks, vacuuming throughout, putting shiny stuff on the tyres and cleaning any brake dust I may have missed off the rims.

I know you guys are reading that last paragraph thinking I am a complete fucking moron but trust me when I say I find it a good way to relax and zone out for a few hours. Plus as I have made mention many times I'm a clean freak, I like doing it and am fully aware that society judges one solely on the appearance of their car... so I ask you - do I have any choice?

Anyway back to the original story... this place does actually have a garage although it's not much more than a roller door, a few sheets of tin making up the roof and some thin poles supporting it. It was built for a small car and mine is too long to fit in so we are going to extend it further into the backyard. Unfortunately to do this I have to get rid of [amongst other things] a rather large tree, a half height brick wall covered in plenty-o-plantlife and a built in barbecue. Let's not forget I need to make some changes to the brick wall at the front so the bobcat guy can get through.

The problem is that my original idea of "hey, let's just extend this back a bit" has turned into a goliath sized project. Not because I suddenly decided I want to do more stuff but because to get where I want to be I NEED to do all this other shit and to make it even remotely viable cost-wise, guess who'll be out there for the next few weekends with a chainsaw, shovel and sledge hammer? Me! And why? All because I can't stand leaving my car out in the weather...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I was talking to one of my mates the other day and he told me I should link his site. I asked why and he said it's simple: naked girls, hot babe galleries, sexy videos, celebrity sound boards and tonnes of other hilarious shit! So I checked it out and you know what? StupidNakedPeople.com absolutely fucking rocks! But don't take my word for it - click here and check it out for yourself!

So many MILF sites so little time. Where is one to start with so many choices out there? Why not try Wet Wifey MILF for 100's of photos and videos of a real life wife rife for the fucking and sucking.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Rate My Pix! - Dave Chapelle - Strength - Free Teen Pics Blog - Porn TopList - Doggy Style - Shoot Out

Ultimate Orgasm - Stripped - Dancing Hotties - Fatty BoomBa- Snake Bite - Wigger - Brawlers

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?" Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
--
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know. I go into kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
--
Five African American men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found Floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.

click here for more

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.

Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass. The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.

Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's reading it.

Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?" The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

click here for more

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

ORSM VIDEO
This clip has been around for a few years now. Some of you will know straight away who it is, some will think the guy looks familiar and the rest will have absolutely no idea but either way I'll leave you guy's to work it out for yourselves. Basically this reporter takes a camera crew with him to Evil Fest to interview skin heads about their perspective on the gay lifestyle. The responses are hilarious. Check it...

- The Austrian Reporter At Evil Fest -

click here for more

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.

"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later, looking at his watch, he realises that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.

Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers. "I know!!!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is 'satisfied'

"That should do it," he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE... sitting on the toilet.

"What are you doing in here?!" he impatiently screams. "SSShhhhhh! she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
I'm glad to see the mail sending portion of Orsmnet viewers has been busy this past week bombarding my inbox with all sorts of interesting stuff and as usual its taken me an entire day sifting through it trying to separate the awesome stuff from the exceptional stuff from the stuff that I can squeeze into an update. Crazy but if you'd like to contribute something then I am more than happy to be your receiver [but not in a gay way]. Email me here!

Icarus wrote:
Subject: B-boy Vid
Hey Senor ORSM. Been following the site for many moons here in NQ. I loved the vid of the B-Boys. Even though I'm too out of shape to do it myself, I can't help but try a few windmills when I see this sort of action. What I would really like to know is, do you (or any one of your readers) know the artist & name of the track playing through most of the clip. I'd love to get a copy if I only knew the name. Keep up the great work for many more moons, this site truly is ORSM!

I've been hunting for this myself also. Anyone know it? Let me know! -Orsm

Big Mal wrote:
Subject: Michael Christian
But Alas... Another dickhead Pom!! Was that druggy guy the one that took the most wickets in the whole series and is regarded by everyone in the world as the best bowler EVER, OF ALL TIME??? Fucken poms...U pricks are too much. TOO MUCH I SAY!!

Scott Longworth wrote:
Subject: poms
G'day mate, just a reply about andrews ridiculous comment about the australian cricket team...guess what buddy??? WE KICKED THE WORLD XI OUT OF THE PARK YEEHAA

Andy wrote:
Subject: Beer Looter Dude
Hey there, mister Orsm. Love your site, haven't missed an update in years. Thanx for all the cheer you have shared !!!! I thought you might appreciate this..... somehow, I think we all knew he was gonna be famous: beerlooterdude.net

Wild Man Bill wrote:
Subject: Cassidy
Cassidy rocks, I would definately like to see more, she makes me feel wanted in more ways than not. AdultFinder has much more pix than before and they are much more erotic than what was on here before; Very nice; keep the filth, sex, knowledge, videos and jokes going well into the millenium for us demented sicko's.

Adam wrote:
Subject: please answer a question for me..
Do people actually like that Cassidy chick? I mean, really, she's just a piggly lookin' fat chick who makes stupid faces and plays with her droopy-ass boobies. I love your site, but I guess different people really have different tastes.

THE SLUGMO wrote:
Subject: plane pics
Craig is an idiot. The plane that landed last week in LA was named CANYON Blue. If you notice this plane in his photos is named BLUE BIRD. Also take a look at the parka the man is wearing and the snow in the back ground. I remember the day very well, it was warm and sunny, and followed the incident for the last four hours of it flight. Anyone thinks the white stuff on the wheel assembly and a surrounding area is foam, keep in mind LA rescue did not use any. Could these photos be from the incident in Chicago in 1999? I think so. Craig needs do get his SHIT straight before submitting his stuff.

vincent wrote:
Subject: SAS/Police
I have checked with experienced UK police officers with regards to the photo posted last week showing a supposed SAS trooper, and can reveal that the geezer is actually a copper. The CO number on his shoulder stands for Central Operations and the numbers that follow identify the actual officer. The unit is still known as SO19 (specialist firearms unit) although it is now CO19. The SFO stands for specialist firearms officer, not special forces operative, etc. I hope that this clarifies it.

trebsta wrote:
Subject: just a note
hey orsmness just wanna state my opinion on that tool in america who obvioulsy knows nil about cars, and thinks his shitty car is fast. douche, yes dude, you are a douche. and although we may not have autobahn, we still have places like kwinana, and you do get some, wel lots, of quick cars there, just thought id mention it. oh, one last thing douche, a 'rev counter' is called a tacometer. and i know nothing bout cars, suk my dick u try hard american faggot, its fuk wits like you and bush that put america down.

James Barr wrote:
Subject: Who is she??????
Orsm, dude!!!! I haven't missed up update in years... I do get pissed off when some moron writes in to announce that George W. Bush is the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, and the US is the world's worst oppressor/biggest terrorist nation/tool of Satan/whatever. Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one, and they all stink!!! I think we (the US) have shown AMAZING care and concern for civilians and innocents. This is WW III, whether the rest of the world wants to realize it or not, and the world MUST prevail over the infection that has spread out of the Middle East, or all of us will be put under the heel of TRUE oppressors, those that are so fearful of women that they destroy them and denigrate them, the mutilate their genitals, they marry off their daughters into virtual slavery, and they murder them for letting their ANKLES bee seen in public!!!!

Raul Rodriguez wrote:
Subject: gator vs. python
excellent site, mr. orsm! found this whilst surfing . . . the 13 foot burmese python ate the 6 foot aligator, then its stomach ruptured. both were found dead by park rangers in florida.

click to enlarge

MF wrote:
Subject: H bombed
You've been had!! The Pic's of "SAS" sent by "H" are bogus. They aren't SAS. I can't tell you who they are or how I know they aren't SAS....... But I can tell you H is talking BALLS!! All the funny shite I've got on my Comp has come from your site, so here's a pic of Abbey GENNET. A rock goddess to risk Brain failure for!!

click to enlarge

Tom wrote:
Subject: orsm pic
Hey, Mr. Orsm. Awesome site, here's a picture I whipped up a few years ago in response to the antiporn protesters shown here. I made that and a few others at the same time, probably about 3 or 4 years ago. Wish I could find the rest of them!

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Party Pic
Here's a pic of me at a Party I was at. Can you spot me in the Picture?

This is why you should always go to every party you're invited to... -Orsm

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Miguel wrote:
Subject: European cars vs American cars
Hi there, one more guy who loves orsm right here! ;) I'm just wrinting to continue the velocity pic trend that apeared here. Attached is a pic of me cruising at 137MPH in my Audi A3. It's an DIESEL car with 1.9l and 130HP, it can go up to more then 140MPH (6th gear) and can do the classic 0-62MPg in 9 seconds. Till now nothing that special, but here is the main diference from this tipical european car to the average american car: it "drinks" 6L/100km or 2.55gallon/mile of diesel, and it's as fast or even more as the average [x]liter (insert a big number) bathtubs you guys drive over there. With the current price for the gas I bet most of you would prefer the fast, secure and efficient car filosophy we have here! Just my 2cents though. Keep on driving!

Fred Naxos wrote:
Subject: This should say something...
This should say something about the internet...

Yes... it means the internet is performing perfectly. -Orsm

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Driving Test
I guess they failed having ripped off the rear door and fuel flap during the drive test! Picture from outside DVM test center Medford, Oregon.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hang Me Elmo
I guess Elmo just couldn't handle life very well. Please keep my details hidden Orsm.

Finally! -Orsm

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Sykes wrote:
Subject: Hurricane Rita
What up? Been a long fan for years. So some crazy friends got real jobs and moved to Houston from Kentucky. Then the hurricane came. Good to see you can take the folks out of the trailers but you can't take the trailer out of some folks.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great photo from local paper
Mr. Orsm I love your site its nice to take a break from reality and browse your site. Thanks for that. This picture was from my local papers front page. I was wondering if this is looting or scavenging? I just think it's a great picture. Look at his shoes pretty clean.

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Carlos Fariaz wrote:
Subject: please post
please post pics of my ex girl friend, Great Site!

Great sight. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
A comment on the first 3 pics: Note to self: Do NOT piss off a woman!!!

I read elsewhere this pick-axe thing was a mafia warning to some guy... -Orsm

click for gallery

John wrote:
Subject: Grotty Bitch
A mate of mine found somones fone ............. This was on it :-0 I thought this would be pretty good Orsm Fodder. Don't publish my email addy theres a dear

Nasty girl... -Orsm

click for gallery

larry c wrote:
Subject: speed
hey great site by the way any how i've been seeing all these pics & vids of fast cars & bikes but speed is much better & rushie on snow no drug rush could even compare to it 0 to 200 kms in about two foot ball feilds 3 in from the ground is pant pissing response this is the way to go if you like speed

click for gallery

Dan wrote:
Subject: Boredom =\
Yeah yeah great site etc etc =) Been reading for a while and thought someone (anyone?) may get half a laugh out of this. My mates and I being bored and jumping around like idiots on the couch, my mate crunches me down then wears a knee to the balls on the way down, hence his reluctance to get back up, woops. Same deal as everyone else, without my details and so forth. Keep up the good work.

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reply to Biggest Fan's letter
After scanning your home page a while back, came across"Biggest Fans letter to Alcohol". Well here's the reply. (ORSM update 1/9/2005).Hope you get a bit of a chuckle from it.

click to view pdf

andy wrote:
Subject: guy picks wrong guy to pick a fight with! my mate!
hi mr orsm! love ur site, been a fan for a year now. thought i would let u see this cctv footage off my mate kicking this guys ass! haha. he had already bottled to people while they where waiting for a taxi then thought he would start with my mate! again haha! what a fucking misstake that was! hope to see it on ur site!

click to watch vid

SaLaD FiNgErS wrote:
Subject: Another disturbing thing for you Mr.Orsm
Hey Mr.Orsm. Like to thank you very much for publishing the pics i sent you last week. A lot of people liked what they saw in those pics (made them think too!) + your site just got another 3 people addicted to the RS section!! I'd say everything worked out well (apart from my friend's humiliation when he saw his balancing act..... but he's ok!). And seeing this encouraged me to send you yet another stupid yet funny thing.... its a short twisted clip which i like to call.....THE FETISH SCENE!!!. Taken this summer when we went to a 1 night camping by the sea .... it shows how alcohol can immobilize a person so much that he can't even self defense against his twisted friends! The clip is in maltese but im sure everyone will understand the true meaning of this clip!

click to watch vid

Chip wrote:
Subject: yo man check this out
yo man these are my buddys from spain!!! ever movie they make they get better and better!! there doing shit i've never seen befor in my life!! this is this webby elegidoscrew.tk well keeep up the good shit ok!!! later chip south africa

click to watch vid

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of Champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"? He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. "So did I!"

click here for more

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a recent bank robbery:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found - only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a single diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The following day's newspaper headline read: "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

ORSM VIDEO

HARDCOREPARTYING.COM – IT AINT JUST THAT PARTYING THAT'S HARDCORE!!
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE HOTTEST BABES GIVE THE WILDEST FUCKS!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" with the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the Woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the mean time, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN DEFINITELY DO NOT CLICK HERE!

RANDOM SHITE
I've tried very hard to leave some of the more obscure stuff out this week... but that doesn't mean it has escaped the clutches of Random Shite. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A family of three, during the late 1800's resided a few miles from a small prairie town. Occasionally, they'd go to town to get needed supplies. One afternoon the father hitched the buck-board with a team of horses for such a purpose; taking the daughter with him and leaving mom at home to tend the farm.

About halfway along their trip they were held-up at gun point, by a gang of robbers. The robbers demanded them off the wagon and asked them for all their money. The poor farmer replied, "We don't have any money, we do our business in town on credit".

One of the robbers demanded the two to remove their clothing and told one of the gang members to search their clothing and the wagon. To no avail were the robbers able to find any money so they decided to take the wagon with the team of horses; leaving the father and daughter standing stark naked alone on the prairie.

The father looked over at his daughter with a puzzled look and asked. What did you do with all the money? She said, "I put it up my snatch". The father replied, "Damn, too bad Ma wasn't here, we could have saved the whole team and wagon".

click here for more

It's the spring of 1957 and peter goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in." Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you take a seat?" he says.

Carrie's father asks Peter what he's going to do. Peter replies that they will probably just go for a soda and on to the pictures. "Why don't you take her out for a screw? I hear that all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Peter so he asks him to repeat himself. "Yeah all the kids are doing it and Carrie really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if you let her."

A few minutes later, Carrie comes down stairs in her little poodle skirt and said that she is ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Peter escorts his date out the front door.

About twenty minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the TWIST!"

click here for more

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUCK, DUDE... how much water did you drink?"

Click for more awesomeness

Well girls and boys I think that about does it for another week. if you have enjoyed surfing through this lot as much as I have putting it all together please feel free to return the favour by telling all your friends and family and anyone else you can think of about Orsm dot net! I'll love you forever I swear...

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to make time for the little people! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

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