Welcome to Orsm.net. Shit fuck.

So how are you guys this week? Good? Me... I'd like to say excellent but after a having a power failure this morning it kind of messed with my Thursday rhythm. I'm assuming some retard wiped out a power pole somewhere but everything was back on within an hour so it can't have been too major... just enough to annoy me though.

Is anyone else in Australia sick of hearing about 'the drought'? Let's go over the facts... no rain + long time = the drought. Okay yes it's sad that farmers are committing suicide in record numbers and its sucks that consumers are going to pay for it but I get the feeling the media thinks reporting on the drought every single day will bring rain? We're heading into summer which [can you believe it?] means even less chance of rain so what point does it serve to show us shots of drought-stricken, unyielding fields day after day? Retards. I need to become a news director so I can run stories about shit that people want to see like boobies, breast implants, the worlds smallest bikinis, the best nude beaches and how to always make men happy. I'd top the ratings every night and the only drought stories would be about the poor guy who ran out of beer after the pubs closed and had to wait until the next day to get more...

My weekend kicked off Friday night. Dinner with friends at an Indian restaurant near my place that I've wanted to try for ages. Usually if I'm going out the last thing I would ever suggest is Indian... actually... the last thing I would ever suggest is Mexican - I hate that sloppy, microwaved crap but that's a whole other story. Anyway the company and food were good so all up not too bad a way to spend an evening.

Up bright an early Saturday. Had about a million things that needed doing but settled on giving the car a proper clean. Three and a half hours later, some sweat and an attempted water fight with the dog it looked brand new again [except of course for the numerous scratches and large dent in the bumper which I refuse to fix]. I love how a car feels when it's clean - there's a noticeable difference in how it drives and handles. Other drivers tend not to mess with you either which I suppose has something to do with thinking anyone in a looked-after car will likely resort to road rage to protect their baby...

After that it was a quick shower and on the road to drop parents at the airport and for this I intend to make them pay. Why? Saturday was extremely windy... warm and sunny but practically gale force winds which I admit wouldn't usually be a problem except on the way back from the airport I drove through what can only be described as a fucking huge sandstorm... did I mention I'd spent all morning cleaning my car? They better come back with some good presents for me or otherwise it'll be a long walk home...

I killed the rest of my day with a grocery shop and what a sensational idea that was. In case there was any doubt before, the warmer weather is definitely here and hot, tasty chicks are everywhere showing off their bits. Cleavage, legs, bums - all on display for perverts to admire. This is why I look forward to summer.

I was all set to just put my feet up and relax Saturday night but somehow got talked into going to a housewarming party with my sister and her friends. I'm always apprehensive about going somewhere I won't know anyone but as it turned out not everyone outside my circle of mates is a dickhead as I originally thought. Whodathunkit eh?

The plan for Sunday was to paint my computer room/home office. It's not all that big so I didn't start until lunchtime-ish [foolishly] thinking a quick undercoat plus twice over in colour wouldn't be a big job. How wrong I was. The first hurdle to overcome was to clear my desk of computers, a mountain of papers and random junk which took forever. Then mask up, then lay down the drop sheets and then get stuck in. Even with the help of a couple of others, by the time I had completely finished it was 9.30 and all that I had to show for it was undercoated walls and a fresh white ceiling. No prizes for guessing what I'm doing this weekend...

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?". She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

ORSM VIDEO

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David Blane Parody

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THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer. It is quickly passed through the Senate.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agri-biz company.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorise the community.

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READER MAIL
A nice little mix in this week's mail bag so I will get on with it rather quickly... but before I do... if you would like to contribute to Orsm.net and possibly have your stuff featured in Reader Mail then we're mad about pretty much anything you wanna send in! Naked pics of atasty Ex, your wicked ride, messed up videos of you and your mates, jokes, social commentaries - whatever else you can squeeze in an email and send my way!

<with held> wrote: Subject: pic This woman is known as a "Tart". They're diehard fans of Gerard Butler, a Scottish actor (He'll soon be seen in 300 and Butterfly on a wheel with Pierce Brosnan). Ok... these Tarts (short for tartan) get a bit carried away with Gerry's action figure dolls. I'll send you more in the future but here's one. Note how they hide their identities by not showing their face That's a naked "Marek" doll, a character Gerry played in "Timeline".. Sick individuals. LOL

<with held> wrote: Subject: pic awesome site. just a hot chick with great boobs. no details please. Great boobs yes. What's her fagina like? -Orsm

Joe wrote: Subject: got string? as per your last update, spotted this thing in the pic. wouldnt a girl know that shes wearing one of them so why flash her ass for? only two words "got string?". keep up the great work mate!!

Franco Preo wrote: Subject: car Here's a car that gave me a laugh the other day: rear bumper obviously been hit several times and followed up with super-dodgy repair work. Wording across back is classic tho....

<with held> wrote: Subject: What's UP? Hey bro, I a huge fan of your website. I was looking through pictures i'm taking off my myspace and I thought you would like the shirt i'm wearing. It was at my friends birthday party last year.

AZarin wrote: Subject: car show Orsm, I was doing some web surfing a came across some nice shots of some models getting down at some car show. Then I noticed a few kids in the crowd. Attached are some classic WTF for you.

JOSE R wrote: Subject: nice!! Hope you like it, this is a nice girl from honduras, for real not those that apear at Adult FriendFinder. Its my 2nd contribution in your site, I take a look every week, its great keep the great work. Thank you. Please don't post my email

Mick wrote: Subject: Coffs Harbour NSW long weekend G'day mate. Some more NSW north coast madness from the October long weekend. Enjoy. As usual all photos courtesy of Danny "The Tank" Fallon Huge! -Orsm

Craig W wrote: Subject: Air Show Pics & Hottie Dear Mr. ORSM, I went to the air show at the air base in Richmond NSW yesterday. Enclosed are some pics of planes and a hottie who had the best ass in the whole crowd. Keep up the good work and please do not post my e-mail address.

Glenn wrote: Subject: Bike Accident Wounds Hey orsm guy. My brother sold his motorbike to friend who was knocked off by a tractor the other day. Here is some pics from the emergancy ward. Notice the bandage IN THE WOUND while its stiched up to clean it out. It`s full of sand and prickles they actually had to pull heaps of prickles out. Pretty cool but not at the same time hey? Thought you might like this one :)

Glenn Adam wrote: Subject: Rotto Been a visitor for a few years and thought i'd contribute. Its Rotto in march this year on a top day about 34 degrees and calm. Cheers Last time I went was about 12 years ago... finally be back there again in a few weeks too! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: loop barrel stall I took this from a similar plane to the one shown in the clip posted today, this was just after my girl got her aerobatic endorsement. It follows like thus - loop [plane back flip] straight into a barrel roll [left over right] and then a stall turn from vertical. Funny stuff - maybe you wanna delete the sound, im laughing and carrying on.

woodie woods wrote: Subject: westlocals.com Video Howdy there, Got yet another vid to add to the site, this one was shot a while back when four wheel drives were possibly the only thing as cool as tits, beers and orsm.net. the song used in this vid is "Not Okay - My Chemical Romance" was made early Feb 2006. spank you all very much for your support and moreso to you Mr Orsm. have an awesome weekend, i know i will.

Corey wrote: Subject: Fake snake joke Hey what's up? Love your site, heres a clip of a prank i did at work. If you like this i have more pranks with the same guy. Big up to everyone in Geelong. Cheers. Snakes on a mother fuckin' plank... -Orsm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "BRIAN, WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE SHIT THE BED!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Bruno Interviews A Minister

F1 Through Soa Paulo

K-Fed Finally Slammed

Darth Plays A Prank

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a leafy country lane. They walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss".

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of the white panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He gasps in horror "My God Mary have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies "I've changed my mind - I'm having a poo instead."

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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the mates asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one each other for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole... it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

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Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!". "Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?". "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch." " A witch!? Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... then she farted and flew out of the window."

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A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

ORSM VIDEO

Horse Cock

Prawn-ercising

Rock [In The Ass]

News Prankster

Woooo... can't believe I actually made it! Seriously after the electricity went out today I thought I was a goner and how on earth it all came together in time I will never know. It's been suggested that maybe I am just too good and whilst the obvious thing would be to agree...well... no... actually yes I would have to agree with that...

Incase you are new in these parts and wondering when I will return then Thursday is the day and just so you know - every Thursday is the day. In the mean time I'm sure you guys can keep yourselves amused with the Orsm.net site archives. Ever single update going back from now until the beginning of time is safely preserved for your surfing pleasure.

And if you would like to return the favour for the countless hours that go into running the site each week then it would be just fucking fantastic if you guys could spend ALL of your spare time telling friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, local government workers and any other randoms you come across about this amazing website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of them droughts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. A spectacular waste of a good education.

And how are we all this week? Me... I've actually been having a pretty decent one and I'm in a surprisingly positive, upbeat and all-round giddy kind of mood. This usually happens when I am running way behind trying to get an update finished - I go into overdrive and it amps me up. The more it looks like I will never get it done, the more I enjoy it. It's a good, vicious cycle is there is such a thing.

Now for my week in review because lets face it - it's the only reason that anyone comes to here... right...? Let's start with Friday...

Do you ever have those things that you swear you'll do but for one reason or another never get around to? I've got a million of them... life gets in the way or you get too busy or procrastinate or promise you'll do it next week. It's a terrible habit and one of those things on the list was lunch with my cousin. I've always got on spectacularly with her and as these things go the only time we end up seeing each other is at Christmas and the occasional during year family gathering. Pretty bad on both of our parts but shit happens and life goes on.

Anyway we had a quick chat a few weeks back and I promised that we would catch up soon for the Dim Sum lunch we were supposed to do two years ago. Yes two years... lucky she wasn't hungry! So we hooked it up early last week and I spent the next few days really looking forward to it.

And then it was Friday. I had an awesome time too just crapping on and chatting away. That's the good thing about family - no bullshit, no sub-plots no hidden agendas. Definitely something I need to do with the rest of my extended family that I don't see enough. Now I just need to find the time...

Saturday... as mentioned last blog I was in the middle of a little project to finish off the flooring in my kitchen. Again I probably could have been finished in a couple of hours but combine doing what needed to be done, a bit of a sleep in, plus plenty of stuffing around it sapped most of the day. I even conned the old man coming around for a while to help which made the whole thing a bit easier and by the time it was all done the result was quite good.

So that's one more thing crossed off the list of uncompleted projects. Of course there still plenty more to go and I intend making the most of the motivation I've been blessed with lately again this weekend. On the agenda is my computer room/study/office which remains half painted from over a year ago mainly because I suck at choosing colours - you guys should see my bedroom. Its part grey, part dark grey and park dark purple. It's a fucking disaster [fuck knows what I was thinking] and probably the reason I have so many nightmares...

Sunday... following a late night on Saturday I had another mini sleep in but was up in time ready to go play some Supa Golf which, if you don't know, involves walking around a small course with oversize balls and clubs [no pun intended]. It was meant to be for a mates work/staff party but because they were running late I had to bail at the last minute. I'd promised mother dearest that I would spend some time at her house setting up broadband and teaching her how to use the computer. Surprisingly we actually made some progress too...

The rest of the weekend was pretty lacklustre. I gave the house a long overdue clean and then went past a friends' place to drop some shit off. I also got through the second movie in the Indiana Jones Trilogy. Definitely not as enjoyable as when I was a kid but still good to watch again after all these years. Anyway let's get on with this damn update shall we? I pretty sure it's a good one but feel free to judge for yourselves!

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A couple were on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me." Without even needing to consider it the first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The woman, impressed but not yet completely satisifed, opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn!"

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NAMING THE FATHER FOR CHILD SUPPORT IN AUSTRALIA
The following are all replies that Sydney Western Suburbs women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Trev Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives an Excel that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact Excel dealers in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the NSW economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all soldiers look the same to me. I can confirm that he was an infantryman.
7. Bazza Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. It is not clear who the father of my child is. All I remember is that the guy had an absolutely enormous penis so it is likely that Mr. Orsm is responsible.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disneyworld.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Jamie Oliver did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute and possibly have your shit featured on Orsm.net then we are always more than happy to receive anything that involves nakedness of your ex or current chick, crazy videos, insane pics or fuck-ass-funny jokes! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

First up in this weeks Reader Mail is some of the replies that came my way after the suggestion I should set something up to allow people to upload their own clips to the site. There was a stack of mixed replies from you guys but the general consensus was not to do it. Fair enough but it's definitely got me thinking of some changes that I would like to implement and work is about to begin to make them happen so stay tuned. Thanks to everyone who emailed me!

V wrote: Subject: $30 Million Dollar Bikini The most expensive piece of diamond apparel ever made is making its debut in the 2006 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. The bikini is made up of over 150 carats of D Flawless diamonds, some of the rarest in the world including .... a 51ct D Flawless Pear Shape, a 30ct D Flawless Emerald Cut, a pair of 15ct D Flawless Rounds and a pair of 8ct D Flawless Pear Shapes.

That Tim Guy wrote: Subject: Jetski for Sale Jetski for Sale. Constructed in 2005, January model. Practically never used, 50 hours tops. 75 bhp. In excellent condition. Technical check-up OK. Last maintenance was early September. Trailer included. Price - negotiable. Sorry for the not very clear picture, I'm not much of a photographer.

Loz wrote: Subject: Paris Advert Funny advert for train travel from Paris to London. Translation: A romantic weekend in London

<with held> wrote: Subject: a prycless pic i had 8 yrs of married hell. 3 yrs of custody hell to a man that dressed like this and liked being treated like a female in all areas as well as being taken from behind. please feel free to use my version or make it good. I will be looking for this online.

Nafe wrote: Subject: Gardiner and cousins no idea where/when these pix were taken but good to see the west coast eagles finest doing what they are best known for off the field. ejnoy dude.

Andrew wrote: Subject: Black Friday oops This is why you shouldn't go to work on brack friday, haha enjoy ;)

<with held> wrote: Subject: Dance Floor Pics Hey ORSM, Great site as always, Thought I'd send you a few pics of some little dance floor activities at one of my former band's gigs a few months back here in the Land of Oz (Kansas). These (ahem) "ladies" were trashed and showing off during a show we were doing in the "Old Town" section of Wichita, Ks. It's good to be in the band.....

tim van wessel wrote: Subject: check this, Spyker as cop car! In Holland we have a new cop car, its a Spyker! damn, now i have to drive more faster to stay in front of them. See yah ;-)

cdevon1200 wrote: Subject: dead mall my drive to work every day goes past a strange building, this weekend i decided to stop and have a look, this is what i found. a dead mall, inside i found in a back utility room a paycheck stub from 08-13-1986! i have no idea what the name of this place is or when it closed but given its location and ease of access its suprisingly in fair shape Seriously that's like finding buried treasure. Very cool. -Orsm

Jon H wrote: Subject: Extreme Indoor Biking Too many pills, too much alcohol, too many mates egging you on, too much velocity throwing your face into the carpet. Filmed last 3 days ago. He was knocked out cold suffering major league concussion. Nice one Mason.

MA wrote: Subject: Flight Spin Video Orsm Dude - I've been viewing your weekly updates for so long now, that it's become part of my regimen. Finally I believe that I have something worthy of contributing to your awesome site! Keep the shiny side up man! That propellor cutting out shit is NOT cool... I would have fucking freaked it! -Orsm

Kevin wrote: Subject: Everybody needs to know about this...a car that runs on water! Everybody needs to know about this... a car that runs on water! A guy in clearwater, FL is driving a car that will go 100 miles on 4 oz of water!. It also runs a torch that will cut steel. Watch the video, it's unbelieveable but true. Help get the word out so this guy doesn't get bought off by the big oil companies or just disapear.

<with held> wrote: Subject: vid Hey Mr. Orsm. Long time fan. Been following your site since before the MasterCard fiasco. Here is a little vid my x and I made. Please exclude all my contact info. Cheers.

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue..."

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that faggot shit in our garden."

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This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi.'"

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A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where're all the wimmin?" The Barman replies, "Ain't no wimmin here, not fer a long time." "Well what do y'all do?" "We do it with the animals."

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills. Months later, same story... after downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, "You're sure you do it with the animals?" "Yes, we do, sir"

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, "My God, man, what are you doing?" "I thought you said you all did it with the animals." "Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff's broad!"

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There's this Indian walking home from a long night of hard partying in the hot morning sun when he finds a cowboy hat on the side of the road. He picks it up and looks at it and thinks 'niceum hat' and puts it on and keeps walking.

Before long a crew truck full of cowboys pulls up and asks... "Hey injun you want a ride?" The Indian says "Yes... me takeum ride" and gets in the truck.

They take off down the road and one of the cowboys says "Hey Indian.. you want a beer?" The Indian says" Yes... meum lke beer" and starts drinking it.

Soon after another cowboy lights up a joint and says "Hey Indian... you smoke weed?" The Indian says "Yes... meum like weed" and has a few tokes.

Another cowboy in the back of the truck stands up and unzips his pants and says "Hey Indian... come here and suck my dick!" The Indian looks up and says "Oh, me not real cowboy, just findum hat on road!"

ORSM VIDEO

Borat At Home

General Lee Audi

Crack Whore Porn

Future Of Design [Cool]

And that ladies and gentlemen is update DONE. I actually quite amazed I managed to get it finished this week too. The last few days have been full of friends randomly dropping past to say hi, the phone ringing non-stop, a family dinner plus a bunch of other stuff which had me doubting I'd make it. Now please tell me honestly - is it just me or am I really just that good...?

If this is your first time here and you're wondering when there will be a whole new update then next Thursday is the day and as a matter of fact every Thursday is the day. Pretty simple huh? If you still need more then you should definitely check out the site archives! There is updates covering the last six years of my life but be warned - people have surfed in there and never been heard from again...

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and its stay out of my way, nube. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Just when I thought that I was out... an update pulls me back in... welcome to Orsm.net!

So how the hell are you guys this week? All good? All bad? Myself - can't complain. It's a good time of the year. Spring has sprung [did I actually just say that?] and it's a good time to be alive [did I actually just say that too?] so sit back and prepare to be dazzled with the stunningly mundane tales of my week...

Last Friday was honestly the best day I have had in fucking ages. Absolutely everything went my way which [ever pessimistic as I am] can only be a sign that everything is going to go spectacularly wrong in the coming weeks and months. Happens all the time... whoever is up there pulling the strings has always had this habit of lulling me into dropping my guard then suddenly - BAM! - he/she kicks me in the balls REALLY hard.

Of the four or five standout events of the day, right up there at the top was FHM magazine listing Orsm.net in their 'Top 100 Life Altering Websites' feature. Cool as shit and plenty of you guys spotted it too so thanks to everyone who emailed congrats my way. Also a fucking HUGE thanks to Wes from Kontraband.com whose children I would gladly have were it possible for me to birth his seed...

Amongst other things, the site also recorded a record day in hits which was a nice little buzz and I someone even bought me a bottle of scotch but as for everything else I'll just vaguely leave it as I managed to hit some personal goals. Now if every Friday could be that good AND always involve boobies I would be a happy man.

Saturday... up early again. I've got the feeling my sister is really enjoying living here because every weekend when they need a ride somewhere there is a knock at my door telling me to get up. Good because I don't sleep in the extra hour or two and waste the day but also bad because I don't sleep in the extra hour or two and waste the day...

Anyway once they were sorted I decided to carry on with one of my [many unfinished] projects. Just before I moved into the joint we lay down a new kitchen floor to cover up the hideous faded yellow linoleum flooring. What I never got around to doing was putting the small timber beading around the edges joining floor to wall and also the bits that join from room to room. I've procrastinated long and hard over this because I couldn't find anything at the local hardware store to take care of the latter.

Then it occurred to me I am a fully qualified cabinetmaker with five years experience... so off I went to buy some wood and raid my old mans power tool collection.

Then it began... I sawed... routered... rebated... planed... sanded... ariced... cut in and varnished. I took me most of the day - a process which I dare say wouldn't have taken more than an hour or so if I had a proper workshop at my disposal but in my defense I got a crap load of other stuff done around here, walked the dog and watched TV for a couple of hours. All up an extremely productive Saturday and I still have all my fingers...

Sunday was more of the same which I kicked off with more sanding and varnishing. I'm well aware that if I do a half ass job then my friends and family will take much delight in pointing it out at every possible chance. How do I know this? History is how. A long time ago some friends had a BBQ at their place and I was asked to make [my legendary] potato salad. Half way through the BBQ feast I quietly mentioned that I had 'added the egg late' and wouldn't you know it to this day I still hear about the damn egg. In other words - it's just not worth making a mistake if I never want to hear about it again...

I put the rest of the day to good use too too. My long running battle against the garden resumed and I actually made some decent headway for a change. A couple more weekends of this and I will finally be ready to cover anywhere there is sand with a four inchs layer of mulch and hopefully stop the weed plague for a while.

Okay enough blog babble for the moment but very quickly before I get crackin' with the update... you guys may remember the MAD Ride charity event thing I posted a few weeks back. Here's how it all turned out.

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Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender. "What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.
--
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

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These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.

The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.

The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?"

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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have the world ogle your submission then we want to hear from you! On our most wanted list is pics of your tasty Ex or current girlfriend, anything car related, videos of absolutely whatever, jokes and pretty much whatever else you think may interest your fellow Orsm'ers. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Wife photo and suggestion Orsm.. huge fan here. First time to send you a naked photo of my wife. Maybe more in the future... One suggestion for your web site. You should let people upload video or images autimatically. Check the news of YouTube.com today. That company gonna be so rich.... I think you site got the potential .... because guys want some home made porn video. Like stuffs in you site. What do you guys think? Would you be up for something like this? Lemme know. -Orsm

optus wrote: Subject: girls butt Look forward to your updates every week ORSM is by far the best and most consistantly entertaining site online. Thanx for that and in return here's a couple of pics of my girls butt.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Slutty Bitch in Chicago... Hey man, this was some slutty chick me and my buds fucked in chicago... she decided we weren't good enough for her (only 3 guys...) please post thes pics on your site... and keep my details private. thanks man, awesome site you got, keep up the good work.

Avid Orsm'er wrote: Subject: Hey There! Hey Orsm, You have a wonderful site here going for you. Anyway, I was at Wawa (a gas station that lets you order a sandwich on a screen instead of talking to someone) and I thought this screen was looked kind of funny when I was drunk at 1230 in the morning. I couldnt find the YES button...

mario rod wrote: Subject: jessica simpsons boobs on google news I was just checking the news at work when I ran into jessica simpsons boobies on google news... Sure they are fake but a lot of kids are scarred for life... I love it... Love the site...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Intestesting Read Yes the story is sad, but I thought the timing of the advertisement on the right side was strange! Utah News...If you share this...Please dont share my details. Thanks

Purky wrote: Subject: Kookaburra A while back you were blogging about a kookaburra that was visiting you Well I was doing my daily ritual of feeding the magpies that visit (Not the Collingwood shithead variety) when a kookaburra appeared. The magpies took offence to this and they had a minor altercation. The kookaburra took a backseat for a while and when the maggies took off he came in for a feed. The pictures will tell the rest of the story. Have a great week. Take Care.

<with held> wrote: Subject: United Sluts of America Whats poppin pimpin? I know you Aussies love drinks & sluts as much as us Americans so I thought I'd share a typical night out here in Chicago, Illinois. As you can see these sluts aren't big fans of underwear.... it just slows them down when they're about to to get fucked later! Hell of a job every week buddy I usually don't miss an update!

Danny Wilkinson wrote: Subject: Me ute Ok after the banning of burnouts by the winners of bathurst me and a few friends made up for it in the one tonner I had been building over the last 2 years. Enjoy! I did !

<with held> wrote: Subject: Cool Chrysler He are some photos of my mates Chrysler 300C. He's spent a bit on it - 22 inch rims, body kit, Lamborghini door kit. he's currently looking at super charging the Hemi V8. Looks wicked. I hope you're able to put up somewhere on your site.

chris wrote: Subject: Dancing Boy Hey Mate, love ur site. Me and my mates are huge fans. Here is a vid of Dancing Boy. Hopefully we'll get to see it on your site and we'll get more of dancing boy soon.

J Ekle wrote: Subject: 70 El Camino @ 148MPH Ok, you've hosted vids of various "JapCrap"..... How about equal time to a piece of 31 year old American IRON doing 148MPH...AND turning corners at 1+G?? The video proves itself.

Pyeman wrote: Subject: Something 4 ya F**king cool site dude keep up the great work, heres a short clip of me in the vx clubsport as you can see I love me burnouts and will be rapt to see it on your site, will post more a.s.a.p. Thanks.

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

ORSM VIDEO

Tiger's Swing

Coolest Bird Ever

Spanked The Gay Out

Stripped

BUNNINGS SCAM

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Bunnings customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

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Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Aussie girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Australian Women.

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that.'"

ORSM VIDEO

Cop Forgot The Brake

155 Shirts

700hp Holden Ute

The Missile Knows

Wooooo... and that's update over. Hopefully it's all good too because I've been staring at the page for the last hour scrolling up and down almost adamant there's something I've forgotten. No matter – I'm sure there'll be ten million emails waiting for me in the morning if I have...

If you're wondering when I will return then Thursday is the day and wouldn't you know it - EVERY Thursday is the day! Make sure you come back and make sure you tell your friends about this fucking fantastic website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!

Before I wrap up I'll take the opportunity to point you guys at the site archives. There is now over six years of updates just like this one safely tucked away for your surfing pleasure. You'll find tones of porn, naked babes, thousands of videos, jokes, reader mail, Random Shite plus whatever else and it's all FREE! Click here to check em out.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and harden the fuck up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. I AM Perth Esplanade.

Holy crap it's been a busy week. So much to do and so little time although I could definitely handle a holiday Monday every week and then spend Tuesday through Friday paying for it... especially at this time of year. Spring is here, the weather is perfect and the winter clothes are beginning to be shelved so quality chicks are far easier to spot and check out...

Last weekend... as far as long weekends go it was a pretty damn good one. Saturday was Grand Final day - East versus West, Swans against Eagles. After twelve long years without a Premiership win coming west was this to be the one? To celebrate the possibility and watch the game my little sis organised a barbeque and invited twenty of her mates over to my place so we got an early start and hit the shops to stock up on booze and food for the day ahead.

Bounce down was 12.30 and by the time it arrived we were all amped and ready for the game... and what a game it was. For those of you overseas or have absolutely no idea about Australian Rules Football it ended up being the closest grand final in forty years with the Eagles winning by just a single point. Truly heart stopping stuff but I have to admit I was sure Sydney was going to pull a miracle out of thin air, come from behind and make it back to back premierships. For once I'm glad to be wrong! Congrats to West Coast.

The only annoying thing about the win was the bitchy, whiney morons. Following the game each player was presented with a Premiership medallion by a bunch of little kids - a players name was called, they ran up and around the neck went a shiny medal. The controversy came from some players not shaking hands with the kid presenting it. Seriously could people be any more retarded? After playing, training and working their arses off all year and achieving the ultimate prize in their sport and whilst caught up in the excitement of it all just didn't think to shake a hand. Big fucking deal. As if the kids weren't on a big enough buzz being centre stage in front of a one hundred thousand strong crowd they would even give a shit.

Sunday... about all I wanted to do was get the house clean from the day before and attack the garden. It's returning to Day of the Triffid's proportions out there and if the weeds get any bigger I have no doubt they'll go insane and start attacking people. So I began with my trusty de-weeder and before too long the phone rang and I abandoned what I was doing for half an hour.

When I returned there was something that had me slightly worried - a huge swarm of bees buzzing furiously around the tree in my front yard. It turns out that they had set up a hive and in that time a few thousand of their mates had rocked up to help work on it. At this point there wasn't much I could do without the distinct possibility of at least one if not several stings coming my way so as much as it pained me I pulled the pin on weeding and spent the rest of the day relaxing. Don't you just hate when that happens...?

By the way I checked the bee hive earlier today. On Sunday it was literally bigger than a football but they must have found a new home because it's been reduced to this. Probably something to do with the rain earlier this week but either way probably a good thing that they've gone.

The thing I love most about long weekends is that everyone wants to do something on Sunday night and for this one we had a housewarming/birthday party on. As usual I took my camera to snap random pics of my friends and as usual they half jokingly, half seriously ask if they are going to end up on Orsm.net. It's a question that never gets old and come to think of it an interesting way to see how I'm perceived...

Monday... more round the house stuff to tackle. First up was to fix the leaky bathroom tap. I swear that god damned tap has become the bane of my existence. Okay sure the thing doesn't drip - it runs - and every single person that comes over says something like "do you know you have a leaky tap?". No... of course I fucking don't. There's only one bathroom in the house and I use it numerous times a day but thank you for pointing that out because I would NEVER have known otherwise. Long story short - I fixed it and it no one noticed...

And with that I will cease boring the crap out of you guys who didn't scroll straight past my blog and get crackin' with the update. Check it...

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"
--
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".

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A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

ORSM VIDEO

Homemade Porn

Borat Shopping

More Of The Amateur Babe

Lucky Louie's Fingered Ass

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does It still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

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The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

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READER MAIL
Holy crap its mail time and if you've got something to say or share with your fellow Orsm-er's then Reader Mail is the section for you! You guys have been a touch quieter than usual this week so I expect to be bombarded between now and next update!

We're partial to Ex or current girlfriends and wives, videos of you and your mates screwing around, jokes, pics of your car and just about anything else you can slap in an email and send my way... all you've got to do is click here and submit your shit!

adam lester wrote: Subject: Grand Final Just like to say that the Bronlow must now mean shit all, with Goodes playing like he did on Saturday. Thought I'd add this pic that pretty much sums up Sydney's performance. Thanks Sums up the Eagles performance too!! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics of my cherry 64 restored Props 2 the site - never miss an update - RS is my fav. Squash my details - check it. Gotta love the classics! -Orsm

chris james wrote: Subject: down in dunsborough Me and the girlfriend were in dunsborough the same weekend you were. here is a pic of this crazy camper van we saw. we took over a thousand pictures in a matter of a week, but this one was the funniest. BTW been a huge fan even before i immigrated to australia from Canada. this place rocks! keep up the good work

Hubert Booth wrote: Subject: My exwife I love your site so here is a few pics of my ex wife. She really fucked up my life so here is her email address ******@yahoo.com feel free to give it out.

Glorya wrote: Subject: Ferrari in Perth Hey Mr. Orsm, Was driving down Wellington St. in Perth and stopped next to this Ferrari 430. Haha, being a typical girly girl, i don't know much about cars so i guess his number plate made it a bit easier for me to at least know what kind of model it was. I've only ever seen another Ferrari in Perth so i thought that this was a rare sighting, or maybe I just don't get out enough hahaahaha.

mike wrote: Subject: think you might dig this one.... Ok... so attatched is a picture of "Keely"... she fucked over a good friend of mine so i decided to put this on the internet. ive been comin to your site for 3+ years now and never have i had something i felt worthy of it...so here you go... keep up the best website on the net and stay cool.

Shane wrote: Subject: read first before opening images... A city councillor, Mark Easton, lives in this neighbourhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbour had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbour had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found...

thomas wrote: Subject: perth car hey dude, here is a few pics of a mate of mines ride, hope like em!! (ps. the silly focker is trying to sell it!) Fast car... I may or may not have tried to race ita few weeks back and I may or may not have been beaten... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics from Solomons Mate, here are some pics of a school mate of mine getting it on with a bloke. She's are married woman and this guy is not her husband. Love your site. keept it up. do not show my email details.

MACK wrote: Subject: Hey dood sites awsome.. please check this out.. Being from the New England area of America me and a bunch of friends took a trip to Montreal,CA to party hard for a long weekend...These are photo's from a bar off of St. Catherine's Street...in case you cant make out what her shirt says (like it matters) it says "When Jack Daniel's comes I always swallow"...The perfect women ..

True Blue wrote: Subject: Safety Message? - Another use for a Hiab These photos were e-mailed to me from a safety professional working in the North West. Thought you might like to add these to your collection of; "I would not have believed if I hadn't seen it". Some very interesting photos of: Working at height; Ladder safety; Use of the crane to lift a person; Use of the chain saw; Tree branch hanging over the electrical feed to the house; PPE (What PPE)... Proper safety equipment?? Attitude of the worker - read below ???? Have a look and see what else you can find. When the person who took these photos spoke to him and said how unsafe it was, he was politely told to F... off and mind his own business. You can only help so many people........... the rest.................... well, there are always statistics

Monty Chapman wrote: Subject: dukes of haggard (6 or 7) Heres another one yo!! But shorty got busted stealing the sign so we may not be back next week but thanks for watching!! Teachers are Haggard!

luke wrote: Subject: some fun How ya doin orsm thought id show you the type of shit me and my mate get up. Workin on some betta vids at moment. Keep up good work. Please don't print my details....... P.S mines the skyline.

Vijal wrote: Subject: Video of controlled demolition Thought this was neat and would be nice for your site. Location: Atlanta, GA. Building: old Wachovia building. There was a controlled demolition this morning of an old Wachovia building. If you watch closely, you'll see a piece of marble tile fly over my head as I'm taking the video. Really not sure where it landed however it was going fast. I took the video from 2-3 blocks away.

TO: All Employees
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to ensure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly well qualified to sea that you get all the S.H.l.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained already you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add your name to our basic understanding lecture list (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his Is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here And continue feeling good.

Male readers ONLY: The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show you never listen!

ORSM VIDEO

Dwarf Got The Moves

Don't Do This

Great Ex Revenge Video

Amazing Robot

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

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RANDOM SHITE Holy crap its Random Shite... and I think this weeks is pretty good too. Buy hey - what would I know? Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo!

She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD ON? Kissing Competition - Kissing Competition - Kissing Competition - Kissing Competition Kissing Competition - Kissing Competition - Kissing Competition

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90... 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

ORSM VIDEO

Go Ahead Caller

Smart Little Bird

Pee-Shooter

Impromptu Rave

WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE SOUND GIGANTIC TITTIES MAKE? WATCH BIG BOOB WHORES GET FUCKED FROM BEHIND... SMACK!

Holy crap is the update REALLY over already you ask? I'm afraid so people. It was a tough one this week and another where I woke up this morning thinking I had absolutely no hope in hell of finishing at a normal time. Somehow, thankfully, everything fell into place and here I am on time and hopefully in fine form [although I will let you guys be the judge of that]...

If a weekly Orsm dose isn't enough and you find yourself needing another hit then make sure you check out the site archives. There is now over six years of my mundane blogs, some of the finest porn on the net, fuck-ass funny jokes, video, reader mail plus countless bits of useless yet entertaining crap to keep you occupied for at least another six more years. On that note...

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy wedding Andy and Colly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.