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Welcome to Orsm.net. Woof.
I really do spend winter in a hibernation mode. Never understood it but for some reason always need that extra hour during the colder months. And then we come to this week where the weather is noticeably warmer, the sun rises far earlier and now, suddenly, I wake-up at 6.34am every fucking morning. Almost two hours before my alarm goes off! What a piss off. It started Sunday and without thinking I roll out of bed, take a wizz and end up sitting in front of the computer before realising the clock says 6 not an 8. Still haven't worked out what is going to happen when daylight saving starts this weekend... is it going to be better or worse?
Ever notice how people get a bit funny when someone young drops dead? With Crazy John carking it at 42 a few days ago people seem to adopt an 'it could happen to me' attitude. Well no shit. You could get flattened by a bus, poisoned, eaten by a shark -whatever- but for some reason you didn't care about it until some guy you never met had a heart attack whilst jogging. Riiight...
Crazy John would have to be feeling a little gypped though. He spends his whole life building a $300M fortune then checks out before he really gets the chance to enjoy it. All I can say is I hope those 72 virgins waiting for him in Muslim heaven were a good trade.
While we're on the subject of too much money - I cant be the only one utterly jealous of the 20-something guy here in Perth who nailed the $30M Powerball this week. Not fair. I play the lottery every single week and never win a damn thing. He waltzes in 20 minutes before the draw and hits jackpot. Un-fucking-fair.
I finally got a cleaning lady. And before anyone says it - no its not because I'm lazy... more to do with the fact this joint is always a fucking pig-sty and I don't have the time to keep it clean anymore. Oh yeah... bathroom and toilet... don't even get me started.
Anyway I organised for them to come last Friday morning. Ding dong. As usual the dog beats me to the front door, barks once and I open the door to see the two women literally sprinting back to their car. "Um hello?" I say... "Please... take dog outside" she calls out with a tremble in her voice. Ha okay. They were absolutely terrified.
So I lock the dog out and in they come. Close the door and straight away it hits me like a slap across the face. Body Odour... of the worst, most pungent, most disgusting kind. Its 9am for god's sake - how can anyone smell this bad so early? Honestly I don't know what country these women are from but obviously one that hasn't heard of deodorant.
I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get some stuff sorted so I could head out for the day but with the vile smell quickly invading every room of the house it was time to evacuate... NOW. "How long you going to be?" I ask. "One hour or two" she says. I tell you right now that was the longest couple of hours of my life. What was the house going to smell like when I got back? Would the smell be there forever?
The problem is what can you do about it? I've met them exactly once and I'm not exactly comfortable bringing it up. How do you say "Dude you stink worse than arse... make sure it doesn't happen again please" to someone you don't know? It reminds me of that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry has a problem with his cleaning lady not wearing a brassiere. She doesn't have a problem with it but agrees to wear a bra if he buys it for her. Maybe I should buy her a can of deodorant? Yeah... pretty good... pretttty pretttty good.
This beckons the question - was she aware of her scent? If not, why not. They cleaned another friends place earlier in the week and same deal... stench. So now I wonder, what if I smell and aren't aware? What if I'm that guy who rocks up places and always stinks but no-one wants to tell me for fear of being rude...
Thankfully Friday did have a happy ending though. By the time I got home they'd finished and gone and the strong smell of cleaning products filled the house. Bliss. Turns out that bleach and Domestos were too strong for the super-smell... this time.
Have you added me on FaceBook yet? Click here to join the Orsm.net group and click here to add me as a friend!
Okay enough crapping on. I keep getting emails from people who say they read my blog which is cool, if not a little surprising, but to the rest of you - I fucked all your mums. With that, let's get on with the update. This weak is an absolute ripper too so grab your tissues and get stuck in. Check it...
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--
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
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I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas..."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"
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READER MAIL
Thank you to all the boys and girls who contributed to Reader Mail this weak. You guys are fucking great... despite what everyone else says about you...
Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.
Douglas wrote:
Subject: Some news from "downunder"
I live in the northern hemisphere. I do not quite
understand you people "down under" with your crocodile
hunters and drinking a mystery beverage apparently
known as VB.
Maybe you can explain this story to the rest of the
world (us normal people in the northern hemisphere-...
the correct side of the planet).
I'm going to guess it was something like this but honestly if you saw the size of her rack it really wouldn't matter what she was doing so long as she had her puppies out. They were HUGE. Oh and VB is Victorian Bitter - a well known Aussie beer that no one would ever admit to drinking. -Orsm |
Pricey wrote:
Subject: Russian Translation
Hey mate,
wondered what that post said in russian, heres the babel fish translation [Throw a few High Fives, I like and sexy time in there and you have instant Borat]...
Kashitsyn 4. wrote: Subject: AUTO-FREIGHT TRAFFIC the overall sizes of body to 6,2m Kh2,yamKh2,yam (15 Euros-pan) the volume of the body of 36 kub.metrov the load capacity of 5 tons Cobstvenny1 park - 20 machines for the distrib'yutorskikh companies the complete complex of the services: several addresses of unloading, expediting, collection, material liability we work without vykhodnykh.Telefon: (495) 228xO.9x95 OOO"yevrogarant" |
fan wrote:
Subject: hi
hello, great site... I'm a regular n still finding it interesting. I'm going to volunteer in relating to you some genuine knowledge. In u're last update i've seen the pictures branded "living in romania"; i mean no offense or the like but you seem either missinformed or a lil' hypocrite. I do live in a region from romania, and don't get me wrong i'm not a patriot or anything. I'm a ethnic minority to some degree and i'd like to inform you that the romanian people are at least neationalists (the elite got it good the austrian-german fascist philosophy) . U know before it was called romania (1918), the country was divided in 3 regions. two of those was under russian and/or islamic influence - developed relatively poor , the other was influenced by the austrian empire which made it quite rich... if u're courious about how rich let me put it this way... how many teens have you or you're friends seen, driving a Mclaren SLR? Do u identify Porsches by every tenth or so car?? I mean this is
a "wuzzup Beverly Hills" situation rite? U know it's happening within the borders of romania ; sum contrast huh? keep up the good work |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: The World's BEST USELESS INFORMATION THAT MEANS SOMETHING
Quick question, what side of your car is your gas tank? If you are anything like me, you probably can't remember right away. My solution is to uncofortably stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look. I you don't do this in your own car you definetly have done it in a borrowed or rental car. Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of uncomfort or injury. If you look at your gas guage, you will see a small icon of a gas pump. The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the pump. If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left. If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo). It is that simple! I don't know how you feel right now but when I found out this morning I felt cheated! Why don't the dealers share such importnant information with car buyers? I don't understand why this isn't in the drivers ed manual? I don't get why any mechanic I have ever been too or know has even thought of mentioning this to me? The only possible explantion can be that all these people probably don't even know! |
Jace wrote:
Subject: love the 909!!!
I was driving home on the 91 freeway the other day and happened to notice the ford explorer in front of me with the most interesting licence plate. I really don't know what this person does, but I do believe that it was a female driving. Hope you get as much of a laugh out of the pic as I did taking it. Love the site and keep up the good work!!! |
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Fidothedog wrote:
Subject: re dumb ass skank
Hi there Mr ORSM from the valleys of Wales, been a fan of the site for a while. The attached skank is some liar who after spreading tales about people was dumb enough to pose for the enclosed pic. The chap who took the pic passed it onto me and so I now shame her in front of the world!!! This is a woman so dumb she, so Sam Munro/Keshel/whatever your name is this week you are owned. Feel free to post your own words on the card. |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: How to greet an Englishman...
I know you said you were sick of the rugby jokes but if England loses the final, this will be sweet revenge... (c:
... -Orsm
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Sammy wrote:
Subject: How To Hide An Airplane Factory
During World War II, the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage netting and madeit look like a rural subdivision from the air. |
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phaz wrote:
Subject: beerfest - the right way
Hi there I was disappointed at the last guy's Beerfest pics in Munich, so I though id send some pic's on how it should be done. This is how the north west of England roll lmao. upload these badboys |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Oktoberfest Pictures
Orsm, Been a huge fan for your site for a few years now. I'm a Yank studying in Dublin and made it down to this past Oktoberfest and was in the Hofbrau tent, the one shown in the pics. Crazy thing; if the Austrians caught you wearing any sort of underwear they'd stretch it out then pull it over your face and then rip it off of you. The picture (6th down) of the huge guy hanging from the ceiling is where they'd toss the newly-claimed undies. attached is a better pic with various garments hanging from it. Savage weekend there, happy I free-balled the whole time. You rock. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: International Motor Show
the maloo r8 ute looks terrible from the rear, i got to sit inside the RSPEC F6 build number 001 yay, and the audi R8 looked killer, the new mitsubishi evo looks like a new skyline GT-R front end, umm the ferraris were nice but bloated as anything, lambo was nice but scratched up big time and the dub 300C was mint :P cant remember everything else. |
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Sami wrote:
Subject: diving
Hi mate. Here's some pics of my diving exploits off and around Cairns. Soon I will have some awesome outback NT pics - seeing Uluru, the Olgas (Kata Tjuta), Valley of the Winds & Kings Canyon this weekend!! |
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sir_lagalot wrote:
Subject: Bathust roo
G'day mr orsm. Love the site blah blah etc. I enjoyed the video of the kangaroo playing frogga in last weeks update. I had this video from Bathust a few years ago where skippy wasnt so lucky. I didnt know kangaroos could fly. |
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Lee wrote:
Subject: Indy 2007 Balcony Action
G-day mate. Thought u might like this for the site... Cheers |
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The Coalville Massive wrote:
Subject: Video of Bar Maid!!!!
Dude, please see the attached for video of our 'local' barmaid!!! She was serving drinks behind the bar at The Castle until recently when this got out, and she was relieved of her duties, looks like she was relieving someone of something else. Give a shout out to the 'Coalville' massive in Leicestershire UK. |
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"
ORSM
VIDEO
An Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to yank him to make him come!"
A young Aussie moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "101,237.64." The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"
A Jew and a non-Jew are travelling on a train together when suddenly the gentile asks "Why are you Jews so smart?" The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "it's because of all the herring we eat."
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it. The gentile asks "How much herring do you have?" and the Jew answers "A dozen pieces". "And how much do you want for a piece?" "20 kopecks" (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring. "He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow
for a few kopecks". To this the Jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay girls and boys that's me for this week. I actually had a pretty damn good time slapping this bitch together so hopefully you guys have all enjoyed surfing through it... if not you can always go somewhere else! In the mean time though...
- Check out the site archives. That's where my friend Ray hides his meth stash.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and the one after that... and the one after that... and the one after that...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pull out of this weekends Gay Pride parade and ruin it for all the other queers...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
