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October 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.10.25-itiswhenitis GMT+7h
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't mean to brag... but I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I'm still away which means this update is coming to you from Phuket... kind of... technically it's coming to you from several servers scattered around the US but as *I* am in Asia that's what we're going with. Now that we understand each other let's move on with bigger and better things starting with a brand new update. Check it...

Just bought the wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor".
Why don't aboriginal kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep covering them up.
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
The Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a rowing boat, heading towards central London. "The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft... where are you heading?" One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts "We are invading the United Kingdom!" The crew of the police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says "Just the two of you then?" The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts "No, we're just the last two. The rest are already here!"
Why do Jews have double-glazed windows? So their kids can't hear the ice cream van coming.
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "A root".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... so I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

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Simple Fun - Halloween Hotties - Happy Fun WTF - Psycho Slut - Drop A Load - Miley's Mum - Mean Girls - Cured Yet?

Tonnes Of Cum - Reno 911 Porn - Ass Whooping - Cruel Nature - Naked Rampage - Fucked Family - Topless Boxing

Kelly Brook - Wild Orgasm - What A Jerkoff - Scary Thin - Nude Protest - Sneak Attack - Broken Tit - So So Gay

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says "How dare you call me a slapper!? Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour" but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.



-In Athens, a young man had to file a claim on his medical travel insurance for a broken nose. He wasn't watching where he was going and walked into a bus shelter... because his eyes were taken up with a passing group of bikini clad women. Such pleasure followed by such pain!

-A British lady claimed on her travel insurance after purchasing a new set of skis for a holiday and finding that the slopes were completely dry once she arrived there. Not dry powder - just no snow. Her insurance company refunded her the cost of the skis. She mustn't have had the option to ask for a refund from the company.

-A family holidaying on the beach in Cornwall had some panicked, frantic, and finally stern words with the children after they thought it would be funny to bury the £600 hand-held video camera. Insurance covered the cost though - you can see how incidents which sometimes seem to be the insured's 'fault' are actually covered by the policy. Some home insurance companies would have covered you for this event if it had happened at home, with the appropriate policy. Another good reason to play it safe with travel-insurance levels when you have kids.

-A British couple wedding on a West Indian beach had to take an unexpected dip when a coal from a fire caught the bride's dress. Her husband threw her in the sea, and the travel-insurance claim for the ruined outfits was paid. Almost a happy ending!

-A woman holidaying in Sri Lanka had to get medical treatment after a coconut fell from a tree and landed squarely on her head. The injury knocked her out, which may sound unlikely until you consider that the average fresh coconut weights 2 kilograms, and their trees grow up to 30 metres high. A coconut travelling at 53 miles per hour is no joke, and it's unsurprising that the traveller was reimbursed the £400 medical bills. Apparently coconuts cause more deaths per year than sharks.

-At the ironically labelled 'Fire Bar' in Greece, one reveller paid the price for 'needing a drink' when she remained at the bar waiting to be served despite a loud buzzer and the rapid departure of others clamouring for a pint. Unsurprisingly, the buzzer turned out to be a fire alarm - a fact which she finally appreciated when the flames engulfed the area. She escaped the scene with third degree burns and £300 of medical expenses to pay - which her travel insurance company covered.

-According to this tale a group of cheeky monkeys conspired to ruin a couple's romantic trip to Malaysia. Due to the heat, the couple left the window of their chalet open during the day while they went out, but regretted their decision when they returned to discover their clothes and belongings all over the surrounding resort and neighbouring rainforest. The couple's insurance company were thankfully understanding and ensured they did not need to keep re-wearing the same clothes for the remainder of their trip!

-You know Bombay Mix? The spicy Indian snack food. One traveller claimed to have lost £600 worth of the stuff on his way back from holiday and tried to claim on his travel insurance. With Bombay Mix costing less than £1 per 250g bag, a conservative estimate is that the man would need to be carrying over 80 kilograms of the snack to have racked up £600 expenses! Quite hard to misplace, you'd have thought. The travel insurance company agreed, refusing to pay the claim.

-One traveller lost his wallet down a drain, while exploring Natanya in Israel. However, rather than filing a police report and contacting his travel insurance providers, the brave individual tried to fish his wallet out of the drain - only to be stung by a poisonous scorpion which had made the area its home. The man's treatment (and presumably the missing wallet) was covered by his travel insurance.

-Winning the dubious honour of the most unlucky on the list, this family's camping trip went awry when a parachutist from the nearby airbase missed his target and landed squarely on the family tent. The camping equipment was ruined, and to add insult to injury, they were not covered for accidental damage so had to foot the bill themselves.

-A fairly routine claim for a stolen cosmetics bag took an amusing twist when it was revealed that the victim had transferred her medical-strength haemorrhoid cream into an empty moisturiser tub earlier in the holiday. While French police remained on the lookout for a suspiciously smooth-faced thief, the woman's travel insurance company paid up for the missing make-up, perfume and lotions.

-A man who claimed for a holiday cancellation when he was refused entry to a flight was turned down, when it emerged his flight wasn't from Manchester in the North West of England, but Manchester, New Hampshire in the United States.

-Here's a tip for you - if you have an excess you need to pay on a claim of £50, make sure your stolen possessions are worth at the very least £50.01! One traveller who had his bag snatched on holiday had his claim turned down, when it was established the complete inventory of contents was: 1x bottle of water, 1 x newspaper and 1 x packet of mints. No wonder his cheap travel insurance claim was rejected.

-If you're holidaying in the Black Forest, you may want to make sure you lock up properly when you leave the house. One family came back to their chalet to discover their home had been invaded by one hungry goat, which had proceeded to much his way through their wallets, passports and sandwiches. Their claim for new passports and wallets were rejected on the grounds of negligence in leaving the chalet wide open.

-Occasionally you hear of a claim for something that's just completely baffling, and it was as such for Direct Line, who allegedly received a claim for a "guitar made out of a pumpkin ".

-Finally more of a fact than a funny travel insurance story, but it's believed that there have been more claims for stolen £1000 Rolex Oysters watches than have been manufactured. It seems some people have been creative with their travel insurance claims...

-This is a cautionary tale for all parents: children, expensive cameras, and sand DO NOT MIX. One has to question the actions of the parents that, when on a beach in Cornwall with their children, allowed them to play with a digital video camera worth over £600 which they proceeded to bury in the sand. We all know children can get up to all sorts of strange things, and it's impossible to keep an eye on them at all times, but at least try to the expensive equipment out of their reach. The children did such a good job of burying the camera that nobody could find it again and all they could do was file an insurance claim for the lost gadget. Amazingly, the insurance company paid out!

-Holidays and animals rarely mix well. One family learned this the hard way when on holiday in South Africa, enjoying some spectacular views of wildlife while on safari. Things took a turn for the worse when some overly-friendly monkeys decided to take a closer look at what was on the roof rack of their vehicle. Clothes were stolen, eaten, ripped and urinated on by the excited primates. Lesson learned: Don't leave your suitcases on the roof of your jeep during a safari; insurance companies will not reimburse you!

-A family took a holiday to Scotland and were shocked and appalled when it ended up raining for an entire week! Scotland is so well known for its long, sunny days and dry climate, that you can be sure this freak weather ruined this family's holiday. They were so distressed by the constant drizzle that they filed a formal complaint to their insurance company. Sadly, due to rain falling under the umbrella of a "natural force" and therefore out of anyone's control, the insurance company didn't pay out.

-Cruise ship, wind, and false teeth are the only words you need for this next one. But to elaborate, there is an infamous story of a poor old man, albeit, a slightly careless poor old man who lost his dentures to the sea when allegedly vomiting over the side of a cruise ship during a bout of seasickness. The man was fully reimbursed by his travel insurance company on the grounds of 'lost property', but imagine how annoyed you would be to endure the rest of a cruise with only milkshakes and soup as nourishment. Another man filed a claim for a toupee lost over the edge of a cruise ship, but he wasn't reimbursed.

-A young traveller was zip-lining through the dense canopy of the Costa Rica rainforest when her brakes failed and she unfortunately flew face first into a tree-trunk. After reviewing her claim against her policy cover, all medical expenses were paid.

-For many travellers, tattoos are a way of marking memorable experiences or things close and dear to their heart. A holidaymaker in Canada thought he would mark his time spent overseas with a tattoo. Unfortunately he suffered a severe allergic reaction to the ointment prescribed and developed an invasive rash. His medical expenses were paid.

-What better way to celebrate the love you have for your newlywed husband than by undergoing a little plastic surgery on your honeymoon. A newlywed couple headed to Thailand where the new bride elected to undergo liposuction. She reacted adversely to the procedure and incurred extensive medical expenses for hospitalisation. Her expenses were declined as liposuction is an elective surgery and not a medical emergency.

-A tourist in South Africa's Kruger National Park was bitten by a Mozambique Cobra snake; one of the most venomous snakes in the world. This particular snake carries cytotoxic venom, which destroys tissues and blood cells. Thankfully, he survived and his claims for medical and cancellation costs were paid.

-A holidaymaker in The Whitsundays had been shark diving. As she removed her wetsuit, her engagement ring came off and fell into the deep blue. Unfortunately the ring was not recovered and her claim for the lost ring was paid.

-Whilst visiting a temple in Bali, a couple had their bag snatched out of their hands by a cheeky monkey. Several Balinese children attempted enticing the monkey with food in order to recover the bag, however clearly aggravated the monkey threw the bag over a cliff top. The insured's claim for luggage and personal effects was paid.

-A tourist riding the New York subway was held at gunpoint and robbed by the most unsuspecting character ever -Mickey Mouse. After details from the police report were confirmed the cash claim was settled.

-A female tourist in Rome had her camera plugged into an adaptor charging in a hostel dormitory. As she plugged in her hair straightener she was left in darkness. The overloaded power board cut power to the entire hostel. Her camera was damaged by the power surge and her claim for the camera was paid.

-A couple on a hunting tour in North Queensland sought a quick escape when they felt they had become 'the hunted' by their tour guide. The insured's claim for the cancellation of the remainder of the tour was not paid as there was no evidence to indicate that they were in any danger.

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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

-Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
-There are 10 commandments, not 12.
-There are 12 disciples, not 10.
-Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
-Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
-We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
-The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
-David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
-When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
-We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
-When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said "Take this and eat it for this is my body". He did not say "Eat me".
-The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
-The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
-Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


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In a Bangkok Temple:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

Doctor's office, Rome:

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

In a Nairobi restaurant:

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

On a poster at Kencom:

In a City restaurant:

In a Cemetery:

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

In a Tokyo Bar:

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

Hotel, Japan:

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

Hotel, Zurich:

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

A Laundry in Rome:

And finally the all-time classic seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me". She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic". The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, maybe we will see what we can do".

The nun proceeds to give the cabbie a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child" said the nun "why are you crying?" "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish". The nun says "That's okay - I lied too. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party".

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A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognise him?" "That's easy. He"s a dwarf with a speech impediment".

So, the dwarf shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth". So he shows him a prized filly...

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit...?"

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and asks the first man he meets "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said "I do, Father". The priest said "Then stand over there against the wall".

Then the priest asked the second man "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" the man replied. "Then stand over there against the wall" said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "No, I don't Father". The priest said "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "Oh when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now".


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Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

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A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"


Done? Done.

-Check out the site archives. It's what up to billions of other's are currently doing or have done.
-Next update will be next Thursday from Hong Kong. Booyah.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will... well... I believe he'll have something to say about that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and maybe it's time to ask yourself how much more to go...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.10.18-now
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Four fingers and a tongue.

With time a major factor this week I decided to cheat a bit by killing the blog section and replacing with a whole bunch of jokes. Let's face it - more people will probably read them then do my incredibly insightful social commentary. By the way this is how updates will look for the next few weeks while I'm off holidaying in far, far better places. So let us get on with it. Today's update is the game changer so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned". "What did you do, my son?" "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw a man and a boy having sex". "Oh so YOU were the SOB with the flashlight!?"
I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said go on then give it a go! I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer and asked "When was I born then?" "Yesterday" I replied.
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting a swift kick in the balls. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "Wouldn't it be nice to have another baby". You never hear a guy say "Wouldn't it be nice to have another swift kick in the nuts". Case closed.
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet" insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family". "But Ma" Bubba protested "I just had my 38th birthday last week". "We know that, Bubba" Pa chimed "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school".
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft cunt!!" His wife asks him "What are you watching?" Husband replies "Our bloody wedding video!"
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?" The other answered "Yeah! It's probably because they have real toys to play with!"
Paddy is on a bus when a young woman sat opposite to him and starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there" she says to the baby. Ten minutes later she is still trying to feed the baby and says "Come on or mummy will give it to that man over there". Paddy looks over to the woman and says "For heaven's sake missus, will you make your mind up. I should've got off this bus three stops ago!"
How does an Ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten.

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Try To Escape - Embarrassing - Sorry Hunnie! - Ghetto Bitches - Daddy's Cock - Cunty Cops - Drug Fucked - Porn Fails

Spicy Inidan - Which Hole?! - Big Bang - Nerd Babes - Midget Torture - Perfect Blonde - Defies Belief - Hermi Love

Huuuge Vaj - Tennis Tarts - Bewtiful Fuck - She Explodes - Naked Raver - To Die For - Pump'd Puss - Frisky Commute

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch. Turns out that she love Alan, my best mate...
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip". "That's quite a coincidence" said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything". The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"
I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day. I must say I'm very pleased with the results. Those piranhas don't mess about eh!!
Who said that English is easy, Fill the blank with a "Yes" or "No": 1. ______ I don't have a brain. 2. ______ I don't have sense. 3. ______ I am stupid.



-An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens". The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the mouse.

-A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't 'see' the printer".

-Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. The customer replied "Yeah, I got me a couple friends". When told Egghead was a software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find some geeks".

-Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

-Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...". The user hadn't realised that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

-A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

-In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

-A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

-True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer". Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it". At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

-Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. The tech found out that the man thought it was getting dirty so he decided to clean it. He had filled up his tub with soap and water and soaked the keyboard for a day, then removed all the keys and washed them individually.

-A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows". The woman responded "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine".

-AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

-Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager". Customer: "I don't have a 'P'". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob". Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob". Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

-A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets or heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found out that the customer put the labels on the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

-Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems, the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

-Another AST customer was asked to send copies of her defective disks in. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with Xerox copies of the floppies

-I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help. They offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

-A Dell technician advised his customer to put his disk back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up, and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

-A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer". On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

-Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and hitting the 'send' key.

-This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "Okay let's try once more, but use lower case letters". Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard".

-My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

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Deep in the darkest jungles of old time Africa there were two tribes and they hated each other. One tribe lived at the foot of a massive mountain and they panned for gold in the river and mined for gold in the mountain. They were RICH!

The other tribe lived in a swamp area and lived on crocodiles and fish and they were POOR! They never visited each other except to raid each other's grass huts and plunder them. Of course there were pretty poor pickings when the RICH tribe raided the POOR tribe, but it had become a time honoured tradition and each tribe kept the tradition alive.

One day the chief of the RICH tribe had a visit from his resident snitch who said, "Hey Chief! The POOR people have heard about your solid gold throne and they are planning to come over tomorrow and steal it from you!" The RICH Chief was beside himself, he loved that gold throne and so he called in his resident Wise Man and asked him what he should do.

The Resident Wise Man said, "Chief you have got to make the Gold Throne disappear! I suggest that you get your men to stick long wood poles into the roof of your Grass palace and using pulleys and your strongest men stick the throne up in the roof of your Grass Palace. The POOR people will never think to look up there!" The Chief immediately ordered this to be done.

The very next day the POOR tribe attacked and swept through the village searching everywhere. They found NOTHING! The RICH tribe were hiding in the mines in the mountains and when the POOR tribe left the RICH tribe came out and went back down to their village and began a great celebration. The Chief stood in the centre of his Grass Palace and looking up at the roof started to crow..... "Those POOR shmucks ain't got no idea! Right over their heads and they missed it!" Suddenly there were several tremendous large bangs and the wooden poles supporting the Gold Throne snapped and down came two ton of Gold Throne on top of the RICH Tribes Chief and killed him stone dead.

The Moral of this story is... people who live in grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones...


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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".

The man looked shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" says the CIA man "you're definitely not the right man for this job then".

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No" the CIA man replied "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him".

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

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Little Johnny paints a sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME". He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL". She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in Kathy's yard.

Now Johnny's really pissed... how dare that GIRL? Then, in a flash of inspiration Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs... Say, Kathy... you'll move ANYTHING?" "Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you". "Roy, give me your nickel!" Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.

"What you want moved, boy?" "Move my BOWELS!" Johnny says and starts laughing. So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

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In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe.

Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them. So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.

Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.

Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone "I need some condoms". The salesperson rang up the sale and said "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms". "What I want to know is... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"


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It was a dark and stormy night...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry" replied the hunchback "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor... come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor, I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory".

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion". Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a eucalyptus joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said "Smoking a joint, come up and have some".

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting, just finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said "Faaaaaaaark dude... how much water did you drink??!"


If you've made it this far then my work here is done and funnily enough that statement coincides with the end of the update. Except for....

-Check out the site archives. They'll warm you up.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Internet access permitting but most likely Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will find a way to ruin your holiday.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'm on holidays bitches! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.10.11-18.17
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Welcome to Orsm.net. PLEASE no more Gangnam style.

I think the pressure may be getting all too much. Had a dream the other day I was spinning uncontrollably and no one would help. Was so vivid that it woke me up. First time I've ever had such a dream so did some Googling to figure out what it may mean - apparently something to do with feeling like you've lost control. Can only interpret this as being related to what my next week is going to look like. Overwhelming doesn't come close to summing it up. If nothing else is thrown into the mix there's at least two meetings, a doctor's appointment, have to get the dog to the vet, to the groomers, delivered to her temporary home, finish four updates, setup my laptop with everything I'll need to cover three weeks away, cook up for a birthday party, attend party, get to a bank to sort out a bunch of issues, attend a dinner, find a pair of shorts, pack suitcases and help friends pack up their house because they're permanently moving overseas while we're away. When it rains it fucking pours. It will be a very fucking happy moment when I finally get on that plane next Thursday.

On to other things in the wake of my week. Starting with Friday... early start preceded walking the mutt for the first time in a few days. Headed for the coast next to meet my sis and niece for a coffee. Long overdue too - been trying to arrange something for ages but just hasn't happened. Was starting to worry that I'd become that brother or uncle no one ever really sees. Made way for home a couple of hours later to spend the rest of the day working my bunghole off. The phone rang late afternoon with a dinner invite. Some curry, quite a bit of alcohol, drunkenness and fascinating conversation ensued. Gotta love those impromptu get-togethers that come out of nowhere.

Saturday was all very rushed. Made it to the supermarket first thing to stock up on essentials. Raced home to drop shit off and then back out the door to render assistance in the form of furniture removal and the like. Home once again by mid-afternoon to get sorted for the night ahead. Some other friends had invited us over for a dinner party and to stay the night at their place out in the hills. Had a sort of 'put your car keys in a bowl' ring about it but [unfortunately?] ended up being as promised - good food, good company, quite a lot of wine and some surprisingly entertaining board game [Cranium] shenanigans. Admittedly all sounds very grown up and boring however I think most of the attendees made a penis at some point with the accompanying Play Doh. All these dinner parties are great but my mind often wanders back to misspent weekends in nightclubs and sleepless two-day parties. Ah the good old days.

My [choose adjective: jaw-dropping; hulking, impressive; awe-inspiring; tremendous] 6'3 frame isn't designed for single beds. I know this now because I awoke the next morning at 5am feeling constrained and sore. What also didn't help was the insane and borderline painful gas build up in my bowel. Spent the next hour trying to very quietly degas without waking the rest of the house through the thin walls. If we aren't asked back that will be why. Got a move on around 9.30 after the guilt of locking the dog outside by herself for the night became too much.

Once home, a rapido change of clothes was made then back out the fucking door again to continue with the previous days furniture and house moving efforts. Seemed like we got a lot more done this time plus there was the added bonus of scoring craploads of tools and gardening equipment and whatever else. Got out of there late afternoon and came home to park it back at the PC for a few more hours working working. Crazy, chaotic and fucking great weekend but like I said - when it rains it pours and at the moment it's torrential.

One final note. The sad and unexpected loss of a good mate this week so this update is dedicated to him. We'd known each other since high school and shared a lot of laughs over the years, many of which involved food and excesses thereof, farts, idiots, cars, bikes, Baskin Robbins and plenty of crude humour. He was a huge Orsm supporter, regular mail contributor and we even used his car in the photoshoot with Holly all those years ago. Don't know how many hours we wasted chewing the fat on MSN but it will be missed. RIP, Stooge.

Alright boys and girls let's do this. I've gone to the corners of the globe to put this puppy together so if you don't like it then the problem is most likely going to be you. Check it...

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Stop Running - Listen Watch Play - Auto Correct Lulz - Girl Crazy - Bitch Owned - StarWars Sex - Unsatisfied - Nasty GF

How Could You? - Hulkster Porn - Too Intense - Dwarf Fuck - Clever Leopard - Free Dental - Cancel That - Hard Lesson

Not In My Ass - Get Off It! - Gaga Spews - Messed Up - I'm Gangster - Bad Timing - Ha Tranny - Fit Girls - Got Wax?

Paddy goes into a pharmacy reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid into the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings". "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car".
This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said "Is that Foster's or Victoria Bitter?" I said "There's a tap underneath, taste it".
A young Catholic girl went to confession and declared that she was pregnant. He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."
A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" she says excitedly "As soon as mum comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!"



-"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes". -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
-"Apart from their goals, St Kilda was scoreless in that opening quarter" -Eddie McGuire
-Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious". - Charles Shackleford
-"It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target" -Brian Taylor
-"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein". -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996
-"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around" -Sam Newman
-"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win". -Doug Collins
-"More football later, but first let's see the first half highlights from the Essendon v Collingwood game" -Peter Landy
-"You guys line up alphabetically by height". - Bill Peterson, a : Florida State football coach
-"Kicked wide of the goal with such precision"-Sandy Roberts
-"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" -Greg Norman
-"Wakelin conceded five, you don't get many of those to the dozen" -Rodney Eade
-"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle". -Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
-"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first". -Barry Hall
-"The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle". -Bob Varsha
-"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" -Dermott Brereton
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school".
-"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator". -Mark Williams
-"You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: 'You never know.'" -Lou Duva
-"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play". -Dermott Brereton
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton".
-"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored". -Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles
-"When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys there's no better feeling than to have that done". -Matt Stairs
-"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body". -Luke Darcy
-Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes".
-"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical". -Dermott Brereton
-"The NFL, like life, is full of idiots". -Randy Cross
-"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again". -Andrew Demetriou
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to".
-"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw". -Dermott Brereton
-"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is". -Lou Deva
-"These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it". -Charles Barkley
-Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships "I've won at every level, except college and pro".
-After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points "I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points". -Stacey King
-"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that". -Murry Mexted
-"I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice". -Kurt Rambis
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is".
-"I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon". -Magic Johnson
-"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf". -Tug Mcgraw, after being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf
-"In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old". -Jerry Sloan
-Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play".
-"Sometimes a player's greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team". -Scottie Pippen
-"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical". -Yogi Berra
-On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike "The company should change its name to Mike". -Alvin Robertson
-Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt".
-"On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball". -Magic Johnson
-"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". -Jason Kidd
-Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time".
-"Retaliate first" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
-Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been coloured yet".
-"I only have two words for you men - believe in yourselves" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
-Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating".
-"If you are not in bed by 12 o'clock, go home" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons "It's basically the same, just darker".
-"Tell him he is John Coleman and send him back on" -Jack Dyer, when told by medical staff that a concussed player 'did not know who he is'
-"Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative. -Dan Frisby
-Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said 'Gosh, dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games".
-"Any time Carlton scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win". -Lou Richards
-LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets".
-"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to sail through the air for even longer". -Peter Landy
-Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player "I told him 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care".
-"I think everybody gets caught up in superstitions. But I don't put much stock in them... knock on wood". -Jason Akermanis, Brisbane
-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
-"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen" -Tony Shaw
-Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject".
-"In basketball, the first person to touch the ball shoots it. Either that or the coach carefully diagrams a set play and then the first player to touch it shoots it". -Gene Klein

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You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realise you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following...

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the ha5rdware store.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleav [although it doesn't stop you].

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms".

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

What's a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?


Click for more awesomeness

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a semi-truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'".

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"

Farmer Joe said "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question".

But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie".

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'''

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A school inspector is sent to assess a Year 4 class in a local state school. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction so he will ask a biblical question: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho ?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. Eventually, little Billy raises his hand. Billy stands up and replies "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says "Well, I've known Billy since the start of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies "I don't know the boy, but I believe his teacher. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage, dials Prime Minster Julia Gillard and rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks what she thinks of the education standard in Australia.

The PM sighs heavily and replies "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, and never heard of the school, but just get three quotes and have the bloody wall fixed!"

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As this'll be the last Reader Mail for the next month or so I tried to jam as much in as possible. Kind of like an elephant fucking a midget in the b-hole. Unlike the elephant though, that doesn't mean you get crap - there's been some ridiculously awesome submissions lately so whats below is sure to keep you bastards amused for a while.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Mike wrote:
Subject: Re: American arms supermarket photos
I enjoy your site and it makes me chuckle a lot but, I got to tell you, when I see someone from a foreign country misrepresenting a series of photographs I have to take time and respond. First off, the guns shown may look like AK47"s and M16's but in reality they are not. They are the "semi-automatic" variety (one round fired for every pull of the trigger) or clones if you will, of the "full auto" version. A number of conditions must be met to own fully automatic machine guns or pistols in this Country. Provided your State even allows them. First you must pass a background check from the top law enforcement Officer of the State you reside in. Then you have to pass a background check through the BATFE and FBI plus provide a finger print card, and application with a fee of $200 (transfer tax). Once you get passed all that (some 6 to 9 months) then you have to fork over the $3,000 to skies the limit, to pay for the hardware. Not just anyone can get these things. Kel is obviously either ignorant, a left wing liberal ideology, or suffering from penis envy. Whatever the case he showed a total lack of understanding of the United States Constitution and it's firearms laws. Sorry he has to live in a country that shows a lack of trust and concern for it's citizens. If he would just stop and reason where the power of government really comes from, the People, then maybe he could appreciate our Second Amendment and why it exists today!

xitz wrote:
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست. نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایهدگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار وچشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگرنمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

That Guy wrote:
Subject: Breaking Bad
Check out the attached rip off cover. Brilliant. Close though. Thought you two might appreciate

Can't figure out if you get Breaking Bad or Malcolm In The Middle...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Adam wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey orsm huge fan for years now. Snapped this pic for you in toronto canada. Buddys dog has real "hard on" for mcdonalds

Know how he feels - it's been months since I had a burger. -Orsm

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Carsten wrote:
Subject: How many can you fit into a taxi???
How many people can fit into a taxi ? Maybe 35? Or 50 ? Maybe 60 ? How about 113???

I don't see what the problem is...? -Orsm

click to enlarge
bryan wrote:
Subject: Helium tanker
I wonder if it weighs less when fully loaded.
click to enlarge

Carsten wrote:
Subject: MATHS
How to turn Number 1s into Number 2s

"Stop taking photos while I'm takin' a piss" -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: local spots (please hide my details)
Hi Orsm, greetings from Dorset UK. Snapped a couple of amusingly named places whilst in the sticks recently and thought it was about time I made a contribution!

Matt wrote:
Subject: Auschwitz Tour website
Heya, just booking some travels around Poland when........... withhold details etc. ta

Funny how many people died to make that funny. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Nathan wrote:
Subject: random shite entry?
Saw this on the way home from work and had to turn around to make sure I saw it right. They clean what?

Umm... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Robb wrote:
Subject: pic
perhaps for random shite.. a pic from a friend on FB... while listening to their daughter practice her piano.. looked to her dollhouse and found what she had set up inside.. And people say kids today are doomed..
click to enlarge

CESAR wrote:
Subject: Beer Truck in Texas
Long time viewer first time contributor.. Please hide my details. Tragic accident in Sweetwater Texas!!!! Driver was OK but can't say the same for the precious cargo it was hauling...

Heartbreaking. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Christmas Island
With thanks to Gilligan's Island...... Add the whole of this mobs IQ, and you still would not make double figures
click to enlarge

Micah wrote:
Subject: LOL
CNN homepage.... not doctored. Yarly. "The study used the colonoscopy method, which many believe is the most effective, because relatively large amounts of fecal matter can be placed deep inside the colon. Other methods use either an enema or a nasogastric tube, which sends fecal matter through the nasal passage, down the throat and into the stomach." The article can be found here.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tatiana
I've been visiting your site regularly for a while now. This is a girl I've been chatting with for a few weeks, enjoy! Hide my details please.

Tan lines = win. -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: B E E PILOTS.
SOUTH AFRICA: PROBABLY THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD WHERE THE PILOTS DRIVE A PASSENGER PLANE LIKE IT IS A 20-SEATER MINI-BUS TAXI! The 'previously disadvantaged' black pilot of this B737-200 landed at Hoedspruit (ex airforce base) in the dark. And he proceeded to take the wrong taxiway. Having arrived at a dead end he then attempted to turn around by reversing (using reverse thrust). He misjudged and put the main gear off the concrete. It then rolled back down the bank. He then tried to climb out using full power. Of course with the engines that close to the ground, they ingested grass, stones, mud, sticks, dust, sand, etc. If it wasn't raining - the jet blast could set fire to the surrounding bush.

xitz wrote:
Subject: hoptical hillusion
Don't open the attachments... YET. We have all seen the illustration of the clever triangle that is "impossible". Have a look at attachment #1 to see what I mean. Well to explain... someone in Perth has actually solved and recreated the puzzle as you just saw, I believe it stands in a Perth industrial area but I don't quite know where it is ?? Quite clever

Must have driven past this thing a thousand times but until now never knew WTF it was. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for you
Hi first time contributor. Had these sent to my phone by a random number that i don't know..... Hid my info please

The bridge called. Want their troll back. -Orsm

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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: INCOME TAX 2012 deduction will reduce your income taxes to zero

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click for gallery click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: BOOOOOBS! and pussy! :)
Found these while going through some old hard drives (Funny because I know who they are) - Keep the details hidden! I have tons more- just ask :) P.S- Thanks for the countless hours of entertainment

God bless her big cans. On behalf of men everywhere I demand more! -Orsm

xitz wrote:
My gawd, this is so scarey ~ don't think I could walk it! Thought you might appreciate the views.

Made in China... how bad could it be... -Orsm

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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: FA-18 Demise in Canada
Incredible photos from last Friday's accident in Canada ( Lethbridge ). Check out the sequence of the canopy leaving the scene, the pilot in his rocket-powered seat coming out, the parachute opening sequence, and the separated seat falling away. Modern technology at its best. All of this happened in about two seconds from canopy off to the fireball. And the pilot lived happily ever after . . .

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: romanian gurlz
hello mr.orsm, you know what, romanian girls are amazing!!! they have smikin hot bodies and are not afraid of showing them to the world on facebook. here is a small collection of fb pics....and in the next couple of days, i will send you some more. i see this as my duty, to share this gorgeous chicks with the world! so enjoy rommanian girls. ps:the beaches there are constanta/mamaia/costinesti at the romanian black sea coast. pps: hide my details please

Honestly had no idea there were quality girls in Romania. -Orsm

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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Cleveland Browns
How the Cleveland Browns handled complaints in 1974
click to open PDF

Bill wrote:
Subject: Manning Clip...
Is what it is. Dr. Manning Clip...whoooaaaaa. I'm telling ya, it's only 45 seconds, - "STAY WITH IT TO THE SIDE-SPLITT'N END."

What a great guy. Fantastic attitude. -Orsm

click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: The latest vid
I thought It was time to blow something up again. Cheers. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Three cops were sitting at the station their best sex moves.

The first cops says, "Guys I'll tell ya the best move. Keep a gun loaded with blanks in arms reach from your bed. When I was hitting my beauty from behind, I grabbed it outta my nightstand and fired a blank. She tightened up so fast, and we both came harder than we ever had before!"

Amazed, the other two cops surely had thoughts of their own.

The following day, they were all sitting around shooting the shit, and the second cop says "Damn, you were right, my wife was riding me reverse cow-girl. And right when she was getting into it the most, I grabbed my gun and fired a blank and WOW! She came so hard she cried in my arms".

The next day, the first two cops were standing around waiting for their buddy, and he never showed up. Another day passed and still no word. On the third day, the third cop shows up walking a little bow legged.

"What the hell happened to you?" says the first cop. "Well, I listened to you assholes. When me and my ol' lady were 69'ing I pulled my gun outta my nightstand, fired a blank, and she bit three inches off my dick and shit on my face".

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Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water; it's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse. Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!" Whenever you have a bad day ask yourself "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"


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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam" he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no" came the reply "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please" said Mary. "Certainly madam" he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please" Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam... sleep well?" "Yes, thank you" Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs... they really weren't that nice at all" replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh... well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion" said the receptionist.

"Ok I will... thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. She wrote: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!"

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Mrs Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident.

She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and he soon comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs Jones.

"Mrs Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"  The doctor sits next to her and says "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine". "Oh my God!" says Mrs Jones, "What is the prognosis?" "Well, Mrs Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him".

Mrs Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia". Mrs Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course" the doctor continued "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day".

Mrs Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his faeces as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting".

Now Mrs Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead".


Welcome to the end. In this weeks end we have a few lines of words that you should read. Doing so will avoid any awkward situations where you ask a question that's already been answered. It will also avoid subsequent punches in the face.

-Check out the site archives. You know you want to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If not, definitely Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OKAY!?
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and give me back my sidecar! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.10.04-18.21
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Welcome to Orsm.net.

Ridiculously busy week and oddly enough that's completely okay. This time of year is typically retarded anyway but with a holiday [that I am absolutely hanging out for] just two weeks away things are in overdrive. The biggest problem is my ridiculous need to make sure updates tick along as usual while I'm gallivanting around Asia so most of my spare time over the last few months has been dedicated to having three of four completely ready to go. The good news is everything is on track so as long as there's an internet connection nearby it will be almost like I was never gone... but please Higherpower don't let that happen...

So this time in two weeks I'll be on a plane to Phuket. Wouldn't have been my first choice but we are locked in thanks to a group deal thing the GF bought forever ago. Nonetheless the lure of sun, beer and crazy shit that apparently goes on along Bangla Road is strong. My first choice would have been China so on account of being in the general vicinity and very low likelihood of any travel in the next couple of years, we depart Thailand for almost two weeks in Hong Kong. Always, always, always wanted to do HK but what I didn't realise until recently is that you can take a train across the border into China and spend a day shopping in Shenzhen. Shenzhen is where all the cheap, fake crap you buy off eBay comes from. Pretty much my dream destination. This is where I need some help from you guys - I've been all over Trip Advisor plotting and planning but really want to get away from the touristy traps in HK to see some cool shit and eat some cool shit. Definitely won't be doing Disneyland for example so suggestions of must-see places from anyone who's been would be appreciated. Feel free to email me if you have any!

Moving on to what's been going down around here. Let's begin with the condensed version of Friday... had managed to write a gigantic list of things needing doing so was never going to be a quiet day. Started early walking the dog followed by giving a mate a ride to drop his car at the mechanics. Whilst there, pop into the panel shop to let them know the work they did on my car 'lacked quality' and organise a time to come back. Next it was post office to send off a fucked hard drive for warranty. Also checked my PO Box and discovered three months of mail. Ooops seems someone forgot to renew the redirection. Some banking followed, as did a trip to the travel agent to pick up tickets. Lucky I asked some questions because all the documents she gave me were 100% wrong. Would've been trying to catch completely wrong flights otherwise. Headed home to work for a few hours before doing the mechanics run again and hitting the shops to do groceries. Also took the opportunity to stock up on probiotics, Yakult and a bunch of other stuff which will hopefully make me healthy enough to avoid any major stomach upsets when travelling. That night, party food cook up.

As is all too often the case lately, Saturday began with a 7am phone call. Happens at least once a week. Annoyed, I answer with "Someone better be fucking dead!?" They weren't. It was much worse! You see a printer was broken and the world was ending. OMG! With that I hung up the phone, hopped in the car and sped northward to stave off this life or death situation. Minutes after arriving I had successfully unclogged the paper jam. Just as it seemed I could exit, the dreaded "Can you just help out for a minute?". Spent the next couple of hours working as a kitchen hand making sandwiches and whatever. Riveting as it was I had places to be, namely the AFL Grand Final at a friend's place so after zipping past home to pick up the aforementioned party food, that's where I ended up. The Grand Final was awesome. Hawthorn vs Sydney - two of my favourite teams and it came right down to the wire but Sydney fought back to walk away victorious.

A late birthday present came next. The GF had organised with a mate to bring a toy home from work. The toy was white, convertible, had ten cylinders, was worth about half a million bucks and was insanely quick. Did someone say Lamborghini Gallardo? Don't mind if I do. Spent the next hour cruising around in what was without a doubt one of the highlights of my life thus far. I've driven a few of cool cars, including a Ferrari, but nothing even comes remotely close to the Gallardo. If you have the means I highly recommend picking one up.

Had the choice that night of dinner with a bunch of girls OR stay home and work. Rather than risk that thing where all their periods synch up and conversations about yeast infections, I went with the latter although was more or less a waste of time because I got roped into driving duties. An hour to do pickups and drop them on the city, home for a couple of hours, then back out for an hour and a half to do the same later.

My one goal for Sunday was to clean the car. The previous weekend down south had left it destroyed inside and out. This was because I had gone down in my mates car while the GF followed behind in mine with the two kids. The thing about kids is that they destroy. The interior was trashed - sand, fingerprints, sand, lolly wrappers, hair and sand covered every surface. Took more than three hours to get shit back to normal. Unfortunately the car hasn't moved since thanks to spending the rest of the weekend, as well as the holiday Monday in front of the PC working working. And that's boys and girls was my week.

Okay let's do this. I am more than happy with todays and would go as far as to say it is up there with the best all month. Check it...

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BONUS: The Dark Side - You Named It What? - Literally Literal - Party Training - Larbra-poo - Mexi-NOM

Go Robots - Totally Busted - Slut Daughter - iPhone Pranks - Latina Goddess - Monster Clit - Borat Porn - U Sad?

Lost At Sea - EXTRA Deep - Panda Fuck - Awesome F-35 - Nude Stretching - Ping Pong Butt - Hidden Cam - Dude WTF

Camel Toe - That Aint Good - Snuff Metal - Overkill - Open Wide! - Epic Body - Hard Rubbin' - Cocaine - Vaginal WMD

Your shoes can tell you your age... try this and see: 1. Take your shoe size; 2. Multiply it by 5; 3. Add 50; 4. Multiply by 20; 5. Add 1012; 6. Subtract the year you were born. The first digit is your shoe size, while the last 2 digits are your age.
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness". I said "Come in and sit down". I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?" He said "Buggered if I know... I've never got this far before".
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage. I wish she wouldn't disturb me when I'm having a wank.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee?" No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker".


A guy walks into the most posh restaurant in town. "Where's the god damn, mother fucking manager you cock sucking arse wipe" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am" replies the manager "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon says the manager". "Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!" "Ahhhh replies the manager you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can!" And the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob" replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds in playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent" cries the manager "what's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washing machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin...

It's all a bit too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice "Where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde gets up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear. "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?" The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

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So I did it. Got the snip - the tiny tubes terminated - pinched off the old baby batter blaster - you get the picture. While it was (as every man who has ever had it done at least one year prior will tell you) a very simple and quick procedure, I would not ever in good conscience tell another man considering it that it was anything less than a miserable experience. Most guys (fellow blank shooters) I spoke with played it down and made it sound as easy and manly as getting a few stitches after a bar brawl well I beg to differ. Although, all the slice-snip-burn-sew blow by blow, step by step tales I was told were frighteningly similar - and mine is no different:

THEY TAPE YOUR DICK!!! - So after sitting slightly nervous and unquestionably cold in an ass-less gown for about 15 minutes -periodically wiggling my pink pal just to shake out the shrinkage all the while being mindful not go full mast- I mean who gets a hard-on in a cold doctor's office while waiting for some dude to rip open your sack and jam some scissors in the hole? Not this weirdo. Anyhoo the doctor and nurse bust in like they were trying to catch me jerkin' it (I'm too quick handed to worry about that) and get to work. I lay back, and ol' doc flips up the gown with the vigour and assuredness of a popular jock prom date - pulls out and rips off about two feet of masking tape - grabs my cock - stretches it past my belly button - and tapes it quite securely to my abdomen.

In hindsight I think it's so my Johnson didn't retract into my pelvis as the pain, shame and discomfort slowly consumed me.

MEATBALLS IN A HOLE - The next step in prepping for the procedure was a generous coat of peroxide lathering my thighs - then came the covering. The doc held up a dishtowel sized heavy cloth with a 3-4 inch diameter hole, well stitched and reinforced with a canvas-like material (you know, so your balls don't tear through it like wet toilet paper when they figure out what's about to happen to them). My freshly shaved scrotum poked through and also received an incredibly cold peroxide dousing. He says "this might get a little uncomfortable" and begins kneading and emulsifying my scrotum between his fingers looking for the right tube to terminate (there are a few on either side) and then came the needle...

YOU FEEL EVERYTHING - "You're probably going to feel a sharp pain and some burning, but then you should not feel any pain from here on" - Now, it's not that he was lying, but it's really not that simple. Needles don't bug me and a Novocaine shot is really not that high on the pain scale - so far so good. Then he cut into my scrotum using some Chinese method I got a pamphlet on, but didn't give a fuck enough to read about - felt every bit of it, but it was not painful - numb, but sensitive enough to know exactly what was happening down there without looking. He tears me open quite aggressively (still no pain, but discomfort was creeping in) and then the snip... oooohhhhhh the snip.

I could write a 2000 adjective only essay on the sensation that shot through my lower abdomen and there is not a woman on this planet that could read it and have even a slightest inkling of what I experienced in that very moment, but it only takes four words to let a brother know - Kicked In The Balls. Not the initial contact pain like when the foot hits the ball or the balls slap the thigh or butthole, but the stomach ache fallout that follows. It's extreme nausea without the possibility of puking AND getting the wind knocked out of you without the breathing issue AND the cold sweats of a fever without the hot skin mixed with the sharp stinging sensation (and I'm assuming here) of being stabbed.

This was the point where I made the decision not to look up and see what was going on - let me explain: It was during the birth of our first child that I discovered something about myself that had not previously occurred to me - blood and gore does not faze me in person. I actually cringe sometimes when watching something particularly graphic in a movie or on TV, but when I peeked over the curtain while sitting beside my beautiful and insanely brave wife and (against the advice of the doctors and nurses in the room) peered directly into my wife's open abdomen - did not feel faint or woozy or even the slightest bit phased witnessing the c-section birth of our daughter (I think that I am one in a very small group of men that can truthfully say that my wife is indeed beautiful both inside and out). And again for my son's circumcision (it's not mutilation if it can actually help him get laid when he is of sound mind and consenting age) where I watched wide-eyed and unflinching as they pinned back and peeled off the extra skin of my infant's penis without so much as nose crinkle. It surprised me - I felt slightly faint in anticipation both times, but not even a knee buckle once the gore was in view. Now, after all that chest pounding I will humbly admit that I was in no condition and harboured no desire to attain so much as a glimpse of what this sadistic prick was doing to the closest friends of my taped dong.

EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE? I'm not totally sure exactly what was cauterised, but I smelled it. Didn't bug me - it's the first thing every non-lethal sharpshooter out there told me about because it was so disturbing for them - and because of that I was mentally prepared for it. It was weird though - worth mentioning.

THERE ARE TWO - I am well aware that I'm no genius and this may just be common sense to most men out there - maybe it's because I never gave it very much thought - but it is a two part procedure and that did not initially occur to me. Two places to numb, two holes to cut, two tubes to snip and remove (which look like two small sections of spaghetti noodles - which my doctor pointed out when he showed me commenting "hope you weren't planning on pasta for dinner tonight" - worth the co-pay alone) because most men have... two balls. Duh. This was both surprising and disappointing to me as the first one is no picnic and after the full frontal sense assault I was in no mood to go through it again, but it was actually a lot easier. This time I was already entirely numb and I could identify each tug and snip as landmarks along the shameful journey and I knew exactly how many more pokes and puffs of flesh smoke were left until I could get out of there and get a burrito.

AND THEN I PASSED OUT - Okay, procedure's over - doc is gone - nurse is gone - and it quickly becomes (painfully) obvious that I did not shave above my penis as I rip the tape - and my pubes - off of my abdomen.

That hurt, but detaching the tape from the loose skin of my now embarrassingly small and shrivelled dick helped me to forget real quick. I was not in any pain, but I instinctively got dressed and walked out of the doctor's office (yes office - no surgical room) like a 90 year-old with osteoporosis after a 2000 mile donkey ride. I think my ego/pride/mojo was more injured than my balls. I was texting my supportive mate to come pick me up, but looked up to see her popping up from a waiting room chair - mojo back - posture back - let's go eat! We carefully walked to the car and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my new best friend for the next two days. Driving along I gave my better half a quick and g-rated rundown of the procedure and about 4 miles out the car began to close in on me.

The corners got dark and I warned my bride that I was going to go under for a moment and then the entire conversation we just had played back in my head at a much higher volume and furious pace - the screaming in my mind gave way to white noise and I came to slouched in my seat and looking over at an angelic, but severely concerned companion. If getting your balls fondled and shredded by another man doesn't fuck with your self-esteem, passing out like a little girl shortly thereafter kind of closes the deal. Feel free to make fun of me.


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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it".

The old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here". The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own". The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Arizona. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arizona Three Kick Rule".

The lawyer asked "Arizona Three Kick Rule...?" The Farmer replied "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up".

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer grinned and said "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

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There is a factory in Essex which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

"I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'".

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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot".

"Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her". George was broken hearted.

After eight months he eventually started girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June". Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this".

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married" he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister".  "Hee hee" his mother chuckled, shaking her head "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful! In fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you" he said. "But doctor" Mary complained "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well okay..." the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios".


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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it...?" called one of the nuns.
"Blind man" replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door. "Nice boobs" said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

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The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my lottery win" said the photographer "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied "two million dollars".

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper "they must have seen you coming!"


Aaaaand I'm done. Yay!! Time for me to get the fuck out of here. In the meantime it would be a good idea for you to read the following. There's some very important information you cannot afford to miss...

-Check out the site archives. Beats workin'.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Already well under way and trust me you do not want to miss it!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell your parents. They will literally die of shame.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and show me the boobies. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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