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September 2002...
 
orsmupdate 2002.09.19-17.35

Orsm.net will be moving to a new host. RackShack has cancelled my account and given me until Sunday to 'get off' their network and find a new home for Orsm.net. The email they sent me...

Dear Sir,

After reviewing your account and the over $2000.00 in legal fees we have incurred having the Mastercard issue reviewed by our attorneys we have decided to cancel your account. You have 5 days from the time and date of this email to find alternative hosting for your website(s). On September 22, 2002 at approximately 9:30 am (CST) your account will be cancelled and your server pulled from our network.

Quite funny really. I asked if they would extend the deadline for a few day - No... then I asked if they'd continue hosting me if I reimbursed the legal fees they've incurred but the answer was still no. I assume that this means it's more a personal thing than a professional/financial decision. How very interesting...

I've found a new host and all will be back to normal in a few days. Note that there's a slight chance that some of you will be unable to reach the site while the domain propogates but I'm doing my utmost to prevent that. There's absolutely nothing to worry about - I aren't going anywhere! You can have your say in the site forums.

MasterCard: you can wipe that smile off your faces because a change of host was planned anyways!

In the mean time, this weekend see's my 25th birthday so I'll be getting drunk as all hell. I know most of you will be busily looking for a present so if you get stuck for idea's you can look here [Hint Hint!]. HUGE update next week. I'm outta here... be good, stay off the chems and have a fuckin good one! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.09.10-11.33
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The first update of September and would you believe that this update marks the two year anniversary of Orsm.net! What started as nothing more than a way for me to kill some time has developed into what you see now - something that manages to keep me busy full-time! You'll rarely hear any complaints from me on the subject though - I get to work from home, choose my own hours and do something I actually enjoy.

I also turn 25 later this month which is scary. People exect more from you I am starting to feel like I aren't a kid any more. I'm even finding it harder to make my "BOOOOOOOOOBS" call out the car window to any chick with a decent rack too. Am I maturing? I hope not. Anyways, I know that most of you will be wondering what to get me for my birthday so I've made it easy for you guys [hint hint].

Where the fuck did Prycless go? Lets take it from the top shall we? As many of you will remember, a few months back MasterCard pressured my host to make me take down the 'Priceless' pics alledging copyright and trademark infringements. The pics were begrudgingly removed and that was that up until last week.

In the few months the pics were down I looked at tonnes of possible ways around it and finally settled on changing the spelling of Priceless to Prycless. The goal of this exercise was to clearly distinguish MasterCards Priceless advertising campaign with what is an obvious parody... and you'd have to be a moron [or a MasterCard lawyer] not to recognise it as exactly that. I doubt that we'll ever see a MasterCard Priceless ad with images of some guy having shit his pants or spewing on himself whilst using the 'Prycless' spelling.

Now as it would happen MasterCard do have a problem with 'Prycless' [who would have thought?] even though it does not impinge on any copyrights or trademarks allegedly owned by them and despite the fact that parody is allowable and protected by law.

Barely 2 days after 'Prycless' went live on the internet the lawyers down at MasterCard sent another nasty letter to my host, RackShack, demanding that once again they censor the contents of my website. The website that I have full editorial control over - MY website - NOT my hosts. Here's how it all played out with my host.

I really must congratulate MasterCard because I really didn't think that they would move this fast to kill 'Prycless' almost as soon as it was resurrected.

I think what offends me about this the most is that MasterCard feels it is well within their rights to quash something as legal as a humourous parody. They've relied on bullying and scare tactics and have once again squeezed my *current* host into forcing me to remove the 'offending' material.

So what next? I've got a few idea's but I won't be voicing them here just yet as it's obvious that the folks at masterCard are, and have been reading... despite the fact they are in violation of the Orsm.net TOS I might add.

Oh yes... If anyone is interested, I recently stumbled across this page. It's the profile of a lawyer named Roger Donley. When Roger isn't busily serving on the AIDS Outreach Committee he likes to keep himself busy representing MasterCard. Roger is best known to Orsm.net fans as the gentleman that originally wrote the letter demanding my host remove much loved Priceless Pictures. Rog, you are a big party pooper! Shame on you, sweety!

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: You may only be doing your job but you are still a wanker.

With all the hype and scare-mongering of the approaching first anniversay of 9/11 I don't really think it necessary to contribute my 2 cents suffice to say there's probably a lot to be learnt from this slide show...

- 9/11 Tribute -
[Requires MS PowerPoint]

Anyways, enough of that for the time being. Time to get on with this absolutely HUGE update I think. Firstly, I'll start like I always do with something for those of you who aren't literarily impaired...

Damn Dam - 2002 Darwin Awards - So True - Redneck Etiquette - Lessons In Management - Star Wars Speeder

Okay you guys have heard me asking for help to get the Holly thing happening for a while now and I'm finally in a position to do it BUT before I let my fingers do the walking in the Yellow Pages to find a someone to snap the pics I thought it's probably wise to ask here first.

I'm not trying to get this done for free but all I ask is that whoever is interested is atleast a Professional Photographer of some sort. In other words please don't email me if you don't know what you are doing. It will probably help if you are located here in Perth too. Interested parties should contact me here.

... now click the damn links below and go check out these great sites!

- Fling Babes -

click here for more

Last week I reported that the pics of the totally hot Korean supporter were actually pics of a man-lady and if anyone had a wank over her/him then you were a sicko. Well it's now been pointed out that you can reach for the lube again and have another crack at it. I've had just as many emails come my way saying that the chick in the pics is not the well know sex-changee, Harisu. Enough screwing around - I'll let you guys decide...

Harisu [Korean Man Lady] - Shin Mina [Korean Soccer Supporter]

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

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If you've had your head up your ass and haven't seen the new Holden Commodore [top 4 pics] and Ford Falcon [bottom 2 pics] then here they are... Falcon is way better in my opinion - nothing new about that though is there...? [Source: Ford Forums]


I get the feeling this chick will be well received. More next week if you guy's behave yourselves!

JUICY LUCY

Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

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This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbour, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

ORSM VIDEO

SLAP 'EM AROUND

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

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Worth-A-Surf this week are the dexamphetamine-consuming folks at these fine websites. If you want your site linked then read here. Webmasters: please be aware that it's not possible to give everyone a permanent link!

Soaked Movies - Stephy Pop - Xaura - Another Site - Cranky - Surf Down - XXX Art - Pretender

Sex Info 101 - Flog On - From The Ditch - Ninja Love - Dance Tones - Grape Shot - Link To Pink - Shooting Fish

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step on to the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and, for a second time, attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, the big Texan behind her in line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus. She went absolutely ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him.

"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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Miss Britney Spears in some pea-smuggling action. Check out those nips...!!

Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips

Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips - Brit's Nips

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WAYNE CAREY

Gary Ayres noticed that his star player, Wayne Carey, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day, after practice, Ayres asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"

So Carey replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

Ayres decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early. When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"

ORSM VIDEO

Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?"

Mick looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what you believe in."

God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left. He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"

Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!"

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe?

"I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat".

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Do not try this at home. This sort of thing is usually best left to those Cirque Du Soleil freaks...

Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex - Acro-Sex

ONLY IN AFRICA

The Original Legend

An ant and a grasshopper live in the same field. During summer, the ant works all day and night bringing in supplies for winter and he prepares his home to keep him warm during the cold months ahead.

Meanwhile the grasshopper hops and sings, eats all the grass he wants and he procreates.

Come winter, the grass dies and it is bitterly cold. The ant is well fed and warm in his house, but the grasshopper has not prepared for the winter so he dies leaving a whole hoard of little grasshoppers without food or shelter.

The moral of this story is that one should work hard enough to ensure that you can take care of yourself and those you bring to being.

The African Version

The first part of the story is the same, but because it happens in Africa, there are a few complications. The starving shivering offspring of the grasshopper demand to know why the ants should be allowed to be warm and well fed while next door they are living in terrible conditions without food or clothing.

A TV crew shows up and broadcasts footage of the poor grasshopper and contrasts this with footage of the ant snug in his home with a pantry full of food. The public is stunned. How can it be, that in this fertile field the poor grasshopper can suffer while the ant lives in the lap of luxury.

In a blink of the eye, the AGU (African Grasshopper union) is formed, with foreign aid. They charge the ant with "species bias" and claim that the grasshopper are victims of generations of green oppression. They stage a protest in front of the ant's house and trash the street.

The TV crew interviews them and they state that if their demands are not met, they will be forced into a life of crime. Just for practice, they loot and rape the TV crew and highjack their van. The TRC, Take and Redistribute Commission, (Truth and reconciliation commission), justifies this behaviour by saying that this is the legacy of the ant's discrimination against the grasshopper. They demand that the ant apologise to the grasshopper for what he has done, and that he make amends for the other ants in history who have done the same things to grasshoppers. PAGAD, People Against Grasshopper Abuse and Distress state that they are starting a holy war against ants. The President appears on the 8pm news and says that he will do everything he can for the grasshoppers who have been denied the prosperity they deserve from living in the fertile field.

The Government drafts the EEGAD act, Economic Equity for Greens and Disadvantaged, and retroactively fines the ant for failing to employ a proportionate number of greens. Having nothing left to pay redistribution taxes, his home is expropriated. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing off the last of the ants food while the house he is in, once the ant's house, crumbles around him through lack of maintenance.

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

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This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:

"SBF (single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.

The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.

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This is how simple it is to keep me happy. I give so much and ask for so little! The 2 left-most picture on the left are from a lovely young lady who took some time out of her nectic schedule to snap a couple of shots of her breats [always appreciated around here] and the 2 fan signs are from Stephy of Stephypop.net.

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TRAIN RIDE

In a train car there was an Australian, a Kiwi, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Kiwi had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That Kiwi son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Kiwi laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
3. The Kiwi thought - "That fucking Australian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
4. The Australian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Kiwi again."

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CONFESSIONAL

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.

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Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

Two cowboys from Goondawindi walk into a pub to wash the dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices in the drought.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. "No" signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.

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Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

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WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? WATER OR COKE?

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a fucking liar!!"

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If you're already here then there's really no need for me to introduce the best city in the world...

Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth

Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth - Beautiful Perth

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Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

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A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy, but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke.

This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly healthy but would probably never speak. Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, "These peas are cold."

Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him. "Oh," they said. "We're so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until now?"

The boy looked at his parents and said, "Well up until these peas, everything's been fine."

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The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

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Randome Shite. Shite that only stinks if you take a big deep wiff...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS -RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some painties".

Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"?

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some!".

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me".

"For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit."

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A Balga girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a bus. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the bus to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfing is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah fuckin 'ell. NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well!!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Well thats all from me this week guys. I hope I've managed to keep some of you porn-mongers happy for a few minutes. Tune back in soon for more of the same. In the mean time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to sign up to the Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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