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September 2007...
 
orsmupdate 2007.09.27-23.11
Click to see more Riley
Click to see more Riley

Welcome to Orsm.net. Why do you stink of piss?

Let me jump right in and say if last weeks update was a bit waffley or perhaps incoherent at times then go fuck yourself I apologise. The idea was to have everything sorted so Thursday would be all mine but it didn't quite work out that way...

I got a knock at the door last Wednesday morning. Bit odd - wasn't expecting a delivery and most of my mates call before swinging by. So I open the door and find my best mate standing there. "Dude, what the fuck?" Okay usually not that big a deal to find a mate knocking on your door but the fact he'd flown down from Jakarta to do it was not only very cool but a complete surprise.

Friday was my actual birthday but unfortunately plans to sleep off the previous days activities didn't last too long. The first 'Happy Birthday!' message was at around 7.30 and it just got out of control from there. I swear any doubts about my popularity amongst family and friends were put to rest with the fucking phone fucking ringing or fucking beeping every two fucking minutes all fucking day. Aaaaand breathe.

I'd actually wanted to have a quiet one that night but it was decided somewhere along the lines we should do a family dinner... which included divorced parents and their partners. So we got to the restaurant and somehow they all ended up at one side of the table and us at the other. Try and imagine people that do not talk, have anything to do with or like each other smiling and pretending everything is all peachy and just how much I enjoyed watching it and of course shit stirring. Good fun.

Saturday was massive. Went for a cruise, watched some DVD's and took it nice and easy to make sure we'd be good and ready for the night ahead. Lucky we did so too...

We made it into the city by half 7 that evening and had my first beer happening moments later. And that was pretty much how it was all night long. The best part was the turnout – just about everyone I invited made the effort and just about everyone was celebrating [read: drinking] so I had an absolutely wild night. Every time I finished my drink someone would jam another in my hand which was probably a bit dangerous but I somehow survived it...

My only complaint was that it all went too quickly. The first time 'what to do for my 30th' came up was almost a year ago and it's been spoken about plenty so even though it went for over seven hours it didn't feel like that long. Not like my 21st...

As far as celebrations of my life go - that was the pinnacle. In total it lasted three monstrous, continuous, sleepless days. Things kicked off on the Friday night, progressed through Saturday with a party at my place followed by a mass exodus to our favourite night club [anyone remember DC's?] and then on to an after-party at a mates house the next morning. From there we hit the pub and ended up doing a hotel party the Sunday night. Rise of the sun Monday morning I was destroyed... had no idea what was going on but somehow managed to drive myself home where I crashed out until it was time to get up for work the next day. Sensational but no way I could do that to myself now.

Presents... I did pretty well. The whole fam chipped in and got me a BBQ which is something I've wanted for ages. Beyond that was about 6 bottles of Chivas, a box of cigars, aftershave and a ticket to go charter fishing. Pretty happy with that I must say... even if the Vaio, Tag Heuer 'Link' and 32in LCD I was hoping for never materialised... bastards! Anyone would think a $3000 present was too much to ask!?

With that I should probably get on with the update. There is some amazingly amazing stuff crammed in to this bad boy so if you don't like it then I would suggest  its more a problem with you than anything else...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Webcam Strip - Rack-tastic - Game Time - Tasty Teen - Killer Head - Sexy Thang - Flying Baby - MySpace Freak

Vader Blues - Big Jubblies - Laetitia Casta - 10/10 Bod - Fight Club - BIG Booty Fucked - Don't Ever Stop

Lauren Pope - Internet Peeps - Frog Sushi - Briannas Butt - Kelly Brook - Meg White Sex Tape - Body Work - Pin-Up

Click for more awesomeness

I was depressed last night so I rang the Samaritans. It was a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!
--
A younger soldier comes back from a 10 month's tour of duty to find his girlfriend 6 month's pregnant and that she claimed it was his. As he loved her so much he thought that he would go to the doctor and ask if his girlfriend was telling the truth. After explaining the situation to the doctor, the doctor thought for a moment and said, "This is what we call a grudge pregnancy". The young soldier asked "What's a grudge pregnancy?" to which the doctor replied "Someone had it in for you".

click here for more

A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers... "Hey what's up, cuz?", says the Aboriginal. "Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo "I bin on da toilet" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed.

Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No no mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Aboriginal man.

"Mate!" says the garbo... "No no no! You're misunderstanding me... where's your WHEELIE BIN!?" "OK! OK!" says the Aboriginal bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

I'D LIKE TO PISS IN THE WATER SO ALL THOSE PEOPLE SWIM IN MY PISS... OR NOT...

Korean Beach - Korean Beach - Korean Beach - Korean Beach - Korean Beach

Korean Beach - Korean Beach - Korean Beach

click here for more

During a lunch break at work, this Kiwi was sitting alone in a corner. A mate came over to see what he was doing. "I'm reading an interesting new book," explained the Kiwi. "It's about quick repartee and how to become proficient at it." "So what's quick repartee?" asked his mate. "It's the art of coming back with a sharp and witty answer when someone is rude to you," the Kiwi answered.

"Does it work?" his mate asked. "Shit yeah. My brother read it before he went to the circus, where he got a front row seat. During the show, a clown came up and started asking him questions.

"Have you ever played front-end of a donkey?" asked the clown. "When my brother said no, the clown asked: "Well then, have you ever played the rear-end of a donkey?" Again my brother said no. Then, said the clown, bursting with laughter. "Well, you've been no end of an ass, haven't you?"

The whole audience roared with laughter, and my brother was embarrassed at being made to look like a fool. Then he remembered the book and he came back with this quick answer which turned the tables on the clown. "What did he say?" asked his mate. "Fuck off, you red-nosed cunt!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skankvy Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.

Mariska wrote:
Subject: I need all the ORSM fans to vote for me
Hi Orsm. I need all the votes I can get for the South African FHM Homegrown Honeys 2008 competition. Please post these pics of me and urge all the Orsm fans to vote for me online at www.FHM.co.za vote for HONEY 8 – that's me!! If I make it into the top ten, I promise to post a REALLY hot photo set on Orsm.net. Let's see the power of Orsm at work!! LOVE your site.

Works for me! I wanna see more so if everyone can clickety-click that would be faaantastic. -Orsm

click for gallery
Robert wrote:
Subject: Chris Judd is leaving the Eagles
Hi, Collingwood beat the Eagles and to put salt in the wound will probably get our best player. See reaction beside the road.
click to enlarge
Mr TT wrote:
Subject: My parking spot on the Gold coast
Hi Mr ORSM, Great site, great pics, great job! I had a dream and it was about my stuff on your computer. Let me see if dream really comes true?! Here is my ex parking spot with self cleaning facility outside this image. She was doing great job but failed in after service.
click to enlarge
dale wrote:
Subject: Myer fire sale!! Be quick.....oops! Be quicker next time.
Hey Mr ORSM dunno if you have got these yet or know the details but down here in good ol Hobart on saturday a fire started somewhere near a cosmetics counter in the Myer store this is the end result, a lot of history gone as the building or parts of it were around 170 years old as of monday night the firies are still there putting out spot fires damage estimates are 50 + million
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: Bottled EX!
Mr orsm, just a short message to say first time long time and here's some pix of the ex pissed out of her brain with a bottle up her, that will show the cheating slut...not that i'm bitter at all...lol. Buy the way orsm site mate!
click for gallery

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Fun At China Airlines
Firstly, if one pulls certain circuit breakers on a B747 the aeroplane thinks it's airborne. If the safety lock pins, which prevent landing gear retraction, are also not fitted to the landing gear then it is possible for the landing gear to try and stow itself when the gear lever is selected up (to physically select in the flight deck for the undercarriage to retract). [continues...]

click to enlarge

Austin wrote:
Subject: How to kill bees
The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn't come out unless we paid a hefty fee, but he did recommend waiting until dark and go buy some stuff from Home Depot and squirt them with it and that should kill them off. Well that plan was OK except for 2 things. My sister's husband is crazy. The 2nd thing is we didn't want to wait that long nor spend any money. So we did the next best thing. Started fucking with the bees.

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: best legs contest
Have been a fan of your site for a few years now and this is my first submission. Some women on CL in the Bowling Green, KY area have gotten into a best legs contest in the W4M section. God, it is so hot! I think the contest should go international and that you should sponsor it. Might even be a weekly part of the update. Here are a few of the pics.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stolen tazz/cows
There are no words to add to this story, without the Police photos to prove it.... no-one from anywhere in the world will believe this is possible! This Toyota Tazz was stolen in Butterworth/Transkei. It was then in an accident. Not 1... Not 2... but 3 cows were found inside (Yip also stolen) --- tied up and squashed in !! When the cows were removed the vehicle appeared as in photo 3 --- rear seat and front passenger seat had been removed to fit the cattle in!!! The last photo shows the 3 cows after their release --- remarkably unscratched.!!! Only in the New South Africa !!!
click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab" said the angry driver.

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

ORSM VIDEO

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning with a high fever and found his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".  The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lall disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis." The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make mo money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save lotsa money ."

click here for more

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do." answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard" replied the professor. "That's real good" Bubba responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, Bubba shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!" "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife". "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No" says Cooter. "Well you're queer, ain't ya?"

RANDOM SHITE
RS... guaranteed better than being inappropriately touched by a parent or guardian. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

click here for more

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know that I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me," says the bingo caller, "Yellow 24…?!! You've won the raffle as well!!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well dudes that about rounds out update #38 for the year. Kind of odd because it only feels like update #37 which means next week will feel like update #38 even though that's this weeks. Scary...

- Check out the site archives. Because it's the right thing to do.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've been clear on this point.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get my friend Ray to call you at 5am when you're coming down and tell you that he needs his money for the gear you bought on tick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remeber... juuuuust remember. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.09.20-11.27
Shyla Stylez

Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't chop the dinosaur, daddy... you cunt.

This is a pretty momentous day for me. Not only is it my birthday tomorrow but today marks the end of my twenties. A sobering thought... for me anyway. Okay so I'm probably the only one that cares but given that it's the last big one for another 10 years I'm going to make the most of it.

As expected this week has been a giant messy mess. From busting my arse to get the update finished early to eighteen holes of golf today at an oobie-doobie fancy course to a few untimely car problems to a surprise-fly-in-from-overseas-to-celebrate-my-birthday-visit from a best mate - it just hasn't stopped. And to make things juuuuust that little bit more fun I'm battling to keep my eyes open after only managing a couple of hours sleep last nite and all day today in the sun. Poor me huh...?

Anyway I had this idea - instead of doing the usual boring blog thingy I thought I'd do something different to mark my birthday. It took a few attempts, went through a few different concepts but eventually settled on 'I Remember'. Admittedly it's a bit on the lame side but I'm tired so fuck up...

I remember when you could go down to the local deli and buy a 20 cents lolly bag that would last you all day. You could buy 3 lollies for $0.01 and if we ducked down and reached under the counter we would find dropped coins to buy more. Mars Bars used to cost $0.45 and we were shocked when they went to $0.55!

I remember record players and buying albums on vinyl before just DJ's did. In the mid eighties everyone switched to tapes which were cool because we could record the new songs off the radio. Come the early nineties it was CD's and CD walkmans " a few thousand songs on an iPod was something we never even dreamed would exist.

I remember the Commodore 64, the VIC 20 and Amiga 500. They were slow, unreliable, and the graphics SUCKED but they did things we didn't think possible. If you were really lucky you had the 1541 floppy drive, Datasette tape drive and a couple of joysticks so you could fight your mates in Yie Ar Kung-Fu Master or play California Games.

I remember Hypercolour, Vision Streetwear, Bad Billy's, Catch-It, Stonewash, leg warmers and I'm glad we don't have them anymore. Spokey-Dokes, Skate-Bikes, Pound Puppies, Itty Bitty Bins, WWF figurines and Young Talent Time were and still are cool.

Lovely Lola
CLick Lola to see more.

I remember playing knock and run, kicking all the poles in the street until the lights went out and then doing it again when they came back on, egging peoples houses, dialling pizzas to our teachers, smashing pig melons and 'finding' supplies on building sites to construct a cubby house.

I remember going to the beach in summer. The vinyl car seats and belt buckles were HOT! There was no air-conditioning, power windows, cruise control, FM radio, DVD players or satellite navigation either. You had to site there and look out the window.

I remember when you wanted to talk to a friend - you'd have to get on your bike ride over to his place. Mobile phones were something rich people had and text messaging didn't always exist.

I remember when beer tasted 'disgusting'. Wine was something all the mums used to drink and came from the Coolabah cask in the fridge. Bottled water? What a stupid idea! Why would you buy it when there's a tap just over there!?

I remember cameras having film. Our family had one and it only used to come out on special occasions. It didn't have a screen on the back for you to review the shot you just took which meant you had to wait until you finished the roll and get the film developed which might not be for a few months.

I remember 6pm. If you wanted to watch something " too bad. That's when dad watched the 6pm news. There were no huge plasmas, no home theatre, there wasn't a TV in every room and if you missed a show you couldn't just go download it.

I remember when everyone was your friend. I remember never being self-conscious. I remember when no-one had an ulterior motive. I remember when the biggest stress in life was forgetting to do a school assignment. Most of all I remember when life was simpler!

This little list could probably go on all day and God knows I had a whole pile of others but if anyone has some they'd like to add I'd rather hear them " email me! And with that I'll cut to the chase and get the update cranking. Check it...

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Pink In The Buff - Great Apology - Yes, Play It - Naughty Mia - Watch U Cum - Magical Bat - Bodacious Booty

Tazered! - Dave Chapelle - Lohan-tastic - Keg On Legs - Wet T-shirt - FLEX-erina - Indian Pussy - Awes Porn

Boobie Battle - Fucking Amazing - Girl On Girl - Penelope Yum - Sophie - Geek Porn - Sexy Tug - Webcam Teen

The annual MAD Ride is on again in Perth this weekend so if you're looking for something to do this Sunday the 23rd get along and check it out. The ride is all about supporting charity and last years event attracted thousands of participants. You can also enter the limited ticket raffle to win a Casey Stoner Moto GP Replica Ducati 999. Good day, good event good cause - don't miss it!

Click for more awesomeness

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." Then I thought... "Fuck, I could win this."
--
Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
--
Two blacks guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

click here for more

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of beer that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the beer aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the beer down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of beer sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy ALL DAY LONG, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.

The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you .... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia. with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.

"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvellous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging,

Once in New Zealand, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Kiwi is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"

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READER MAIL
If the mission this week was to flood my inbox with cool shit and boobs then good job - you dudes succeeded!

Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skanky Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.

mark h wrote:
Subject: footy
hey buddy would like to say how much i love ur site and especially the joke about god creating balance... as long as u know how much i loved the final between collingwood n weast coast.. us east coasters will long remember we knocked out u great people from getting a third succesive grand final.. have a great one. GO THE FUCKING MIGHTY MAGPIES.

I should do the right thing and say congrats etc but I'm still highly annoyed about the loss SO I'd just like to point out that the Pies season will most certainly end this weekend... and they suck... and we all hate Eddie... so there. -Orsm

Paul wrote:
Subject: Elite Combat Guy
G'day Mate, Couldn't resist writing to you about the elite combat guy. Just want to know what army he was teaching because they seemed to have trouble standing on their own two feet. Yeah the Christopher Cross soundtrack was great. It'd be great to have heard what he was "instructing" them though because I can't understand, Having trained in martial arts for a number of years, how he was doing what he was doing. I understand the whole re-directing of energy thing, but some of these soldiers were throwing punches not being touched and were falling over themselves. Now unless he's mastered the "force" I find this vid to be a bit of a wank. What's with that bloke walking away and then falling over backwards??? The full nelson type thingy he had the bloke in on the ground would work, but I don't know if he'd be sitting nice and calmly to get him in that position in the first place. I think Dad's army could have taken on this lot and won convincingly if they were the moves they were taught.

Bathtub wrote:
Subject: fuel dump picture? I hane never seen before
ORSM! great site man.. I'm off to a track day at jerez in span, and was looking on google earth to learn the track shape, anyway, one of the nearby photos was this link of what looks like a fuel dump (or something) from maybe a C130- maybe someone else knows. Amazing photo anyway. keep it up!

I have a mate that can do that with his arse! Fill him up with Kangaroo steaks and watch the show. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Arex wrote:
Subject: She shoulda known
This guy started talking to this really hot chick that everybody wants to bang. One day she decided to take a pic of herself and send it to him, like every girl should do. Big surprise he sends it to everyone on his phone and before you know it the whole world has seen it now that it is on the net, she shoulda known...
click to enlarge
WolfmanDan wrote:
Subject: Ford Junk!
Hey Orsm what up man? Love the site and can't wait for updates! Anyways, a few weeks ago, my buddies and I were walking down the streets of Berkeley,CA and see this Ford Mustang all junked out! Thanks
click to enlarge click to enlarge
henry wrote:
Subject: picture for submission
Hi, worthy enough to be posted? Will send more that is more bewildering, usually it will be connected to traffic. keep up the good work!
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo
Hi, great website you have going here. Always wanted to contribute so here it is. A picture of my girl, killer bod and a great fuck. Life's good. Please do not publish my details. Regards.
click to enlarge
Tomas wrote:
Subject: Car that came in for a Radio Install
The instructions were; antenna needs to be bird resistant. Note the Galah in the bull-bar. Also note how they wrote the instructions on how to get to us on the driver window in marker.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Craig wrote:
Subject: Kombi's R Cool...
Hey there Orsm. An amusing sign on the back of an old Kombi I spotted here in Adelaide. Cheers
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey Mr Orsm, I have been checking out your site for a year or so now, it rocks!! Anyhow here are some piccys of me :D I hope you like them.
click for gallery
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some photos for you
My friend went out with this woman - Kate - about 15 years. She then moved away and married some guy and her and her husband started a website featuring her. My friend said she'd always wanted to masturbate him with a hand full of stinging nettles (not sure if you have those in Oz but they sting like a muthafucker!) but he wouldn't let her. There she was on this website, though, doing it to her husband! She was up to all sorts on this site - sitting in the bath while two guys pissed in her mouth; talking about how her husband had let some guy come inside her as he'd had a vasectomy. I think she's a skank but I saved a lot of the photos from her site because I knew her. My computer crashed not long afterwards, though. I found these of her a few weeks ago. Best keep my details a secret on this one ;-)
Ian wrote:
Subject: desperate bitch
Not sure what this girls issue is but she continues to send me these pics - selected the best of the bunch! Love the site - thought I'd contribute.
click for gallery

Jelly wrote:
Subject: new lambo
Hey buddy. Just wondered if you'd seen the new lamborghini. Awesome!!! to say the least.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: mirror pictures
hey i have some pictures here of a Friend of mind who thought it would be a good idea to send me them, and then become a bitch... oh well shows her i guess.
click for gallery
Sully wrote:
Subject: random skank
Greetings, Mr. Office (Philly slang for ORSM). I found these pix on a computer that someone asked me to fix. I feel it's my duty to submit, since I've enjoyed so much other randomness over the years on your site. Please withhold my e-mail.
click for gallery
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Unusual sight
THESE PICTURES WERE TAKEN NEAR GORDON, WI. Not just any mother bear and her cub, but a black bear with a white cub. I don't know how rare it is for a black bear to have a white cub but at least we can say we've seen it no matter how rare it is! I'm pretty sure the Indian community would go nuts over this. Kind of like a white buffalo. Since there seems to be no sign of a pink nose or eyes, I would say that it is not an albino.
click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Obviously wasn't the same elephant.

ORSM VIDEO

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

click here for more

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon - day. Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" yelled Little Johnny and Mike. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables."

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas - tur - ba - tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." Little Johnny replied, "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only got two syllables."

RANDOM SHITE
One extremely fattened RS this week. Why? Because I can... and you can't. And while you think about that - check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS- RS - RS - RS - RS

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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."

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A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge, ma'am" he says. "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am" Bubba says, "It didn't cost me a thing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So, I just switched the heads."

click here for more

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and a female passenger. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the female passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him," she replied, "That if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs."

ORSM VIDEO


Well... that be it... for this week. Was it worth your time?

- Check out the site archives. Yep. Do it. Check em out.
- Next update will be next Thursday although I can't guarantee this.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray has been authorised to put you in a world of hurt so if you don't, he will.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget it's my birthday! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.09.13-23.27
Click Brookes Boobs for more
Click Brookes Boobs for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Before we get started this week I'd like to take a moment to address the rumours which have circulated widely. Months of gossip, innuendo and media speculation have led to some trying times for my family and I, so I'd like to say once and for all that yes, I do have the biggest penis. I do not plan on making any further comment on this matter so hopefully now we can put this behind us and speculation will cease.

With the whole birthday thing a little over a week away I'm starting to get the question: "So what do you want for your birthday?". The standard answer thus far has been "How bout you give me a lap dance?" but as it turns out this isn't an entirely appropriate response when its another guy or family asking.

I hate getting presents. I'm a bad receiver. Why? Because I always end up with stuff I don't want, like or need. This leads to the inevitable and forced "Wow! You're the best present buyer ever - I'm so happy!" expression which of course masks the "How am I going to get rid of this fucking thing?" thoughts coursing brain.

This got me thinking - a whole new and radical approach to gift giving...

What if instead of buying me something, you buy yourself something. You can spend as much as you like - just remember it's from me! Then, come your next birthday, I'll buy myself something that will be from you. The beauty of this is everyone gets what they want - there's no wrapping involved, no cards, no "I spent more on them than they did on me" and no one ends up with shit they don't want. Ingenious.

Moving on. Let's kick on to me and the tales of my life over the last seven days. Does anyone really care though? I doubt it... but it's a pretty good way to fill half a page and knowing that practically no-one reads it I can say whatever I like. Things like I know who killed Maddie [Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick] and that I know where Osama is [hiding in the study with Colonel Mustard]...

Friday football... again. Round 1 of the finals and West Coast versus Port Adelaide. A bunch of friends rocked up and we got comfortable on the couch with beers in anticipation for the game ahead. And what a game - there was screaming and cheering and an overwhelming sense that West Coast would have it in the bag no problem... and then Benny went down... and the girls all chimed "he's still so hot"... and then defeat... painful defeat.

Saturday was 'do shit around the house that you've been putting off for months' day. I started with the bathroom because after bathing the dog in there the day previous it was disgusting - think crack den chic. The solution for this would require extreme measures so after dousing the bath, shower and everything around it with large amounts of bleach and various other chemicals I wheeled in the high-pressure cleaner and went to town. Half an hour later it actually looked like it may not give you a disease.

After that, and with some help from an older, grumpier parent, we repaired a floorboard, glued some broken tiles and sorted a tap. From there it was off to a friends place to -once again- put my mad carpentry skillz to use by fixing their doors. What can I say - I get around, folks. Anyway not exactly the most exciting way to spend a Saturday evening and by the time I got home I was just about ready to crash... until I realised Saturday Night Fever was on TV. How can I never have seen the whole movie before?

Sleep in Sunday, then a few hours spraying for weeds, then on to cleaning the car, then off to another friends place to help them with a little project. I guess this beckons the question: If I dropped dead would the world go on without me? I doubt it.

Okay enough crapping on about shit. Time to kick this update into gear and get cracking with what even the harshest critics have described as 'the single greatest website ever'. True story. Look it up sometime. Anyway, check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Tourettes Guy - Game Time - Justice - Pubcrawls Galore - Sexy Strip - Win The Ride - Stupidity Reigns - Anal Pissing

Makin' Out - Sensational - Redneck Fun - Skank Sack - Get Blowed - Virgin Pussy - Perfect Perfection - Spicy Selena

Hard Fucking - Mesmerising - Gunslinger - Belly Flop - Britney Upskirt - Funny But Gay - Girl On Girl - WWE Bloopers

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
--
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano - come on in!". Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope." St. Peter opens it up and reads it "HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".

click here for more

A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill". He talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nicklaus comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like "Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him twenty dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and hands over his twenty dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like "Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope". Now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase flights and head for Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one.

They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and the bartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened?" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, some little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew who that was up there talking to Leroy..."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

The doctor called in his next patient, this beautiful young blonde woman walked in and sat down, the doctor asked "What is the matter" The young blonde woman whispered, "I have a discharge".

The doctor asked the woman to lie on the examination table and remove her panties. The doctor put on his rubber gloves, arranged his spotlight so that he had ample light and then very gently opened the woman's pussy lips. The doctor could not see anything immediately wrong, so he carefully inserted a finger and felt the lining of her vagina; again he could not find anything untoward. Then the doctor took a swab, gently moved it in and out to obtain a cell sample. The swab came out clear, the doctor had not noticed any discolouration or any unusual odours and was stumped as to the reason for the discharge.

"Do you suffer any pain when passing urine" asked the doctor. "No" the blonde replied."Have your periods become heaver" asked the doctor. "No" said the blonde. "How often do you get this discharge" asked the doctor. "Almost constantly" replied the blonde. "Whilst I have been examining you I have not noticed any discharge whatsoever" the doctor informed the blonde. "Great I'm cured" exclaimed the blonde. She pulled on her panties and left.

The next day the blonde walked in again and whispered to the doctor that the discharge had returned. The doctor asked the blonde to lie on the table, remove her panties and he examined her again. Again the examination proved fruitless. Again the doctor told the blonde that he could find no discharge, to which she exclaimed "I'm cured" before pulling on her panties and leaving. This continued for two weeks and when the blonde walked in on the Friday stating that the discharge had returned the doctor was getting a little irritated.

"Look I have examined you each day and could not find any discharge from your pussy whatsoever" the doctor retorted. The blonde replied "Oh didn't I tell you doctor, the discharge is from my ear!".

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers, sportsman and Orsm.net. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast!"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skanky Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.

Mick wrote:
Subject: No More
I am an ex soldier. Just to get that out of the way. If people wish to protest, I do not have a problem with that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and because we live in a society which gives us that right that is fine. Just once I would like the protesters to go and see what what really happens when you go to a war ravaged country. Just to see the torment, the heartache, the impossible conditions that some of these people live in. It is not fun. Sometimes you wonder why you bother. But then again if it wasn't for us they might be worse off. So protest all you like. Enjoy your protest, I do not disagree, I do not believe we should be where we are , but that is life, just remember that we live in one of the best (if not the best) countries in the world. Cheers orsm.

gridsmasher wrote:
Subject: peeing in the shitter
Now I dont know if I'm sick for watching the whole thing.. well to tell you the truth I was waiting for a terd to drop but I guess they were at a bar all drinking and what not... but two things struck me as... well weird and nasty... or amazed? That almost all of them bounced dried their cooter. But the nasty came when the white mouse tail was hanging out... Then at the 2:05 minute mark she scratch's or does something with the chicks ass in front of her. Not only is the cork string all wet and nasty she is playing grab ass with other chicks while she is pissing... For all the ladies out there... is this normal?

Can anyone read the intro? Looks like Russian to me. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Gary wrote:
Subject: Hey there Mr Orsm.
Here's a plate you might find interesting. Snapped the attached pic in suburban Melbourne. Yup! No. 1 DOES exist. Here's a bit of history: Plate No.1 was issued in 1932. Prior to 1932 drivers made up their own plates in letters a minimum of 3" (75mm) high. The reg number was usually the same as their drivers licence number. In 1932 the no.1 issue caused some controversy. The Chief of Police and senior government officials of the day could not agree on who should officially carry the number. So the plate was not issued until 1984 when a heritage plate auction was held by the former Road Traffic Authority (now VicRoads). No 1. sold at the auction for $165,000. I believe it's changed hands a couple of times since 1984 and now adorns the AMG Benz in the pic I sent. The pic was taken in April 2005. Thought you might be interested.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: babe
hi all, best site eva!!! this pic is of a extremely tight root, yes she had to take a shower after a scream session, i could'nt walk straight for a week, she was living in adelaide, please hide my detail's and if she see's this, HI ! babe, still thinking of you, lol !
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ugly skank
Gday Mr orsm, love your work mate great stuff. Unfortuanatly these pics are of a skank ho and not a glamour, she was emailing them do blokes she didnt know, and somehow i ended up with them. P.s if anyone rubs one out over her then they have as many issues as her.... LMFAO.
click for gallery
Sammy wrote:
Subject: Dive pics
some pics from this weekend's dive at Pelorus Island, Queensland... getting better with pic taking underwater
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Why Bird Flu Happened in China
Gross. Beware Of Eating Imported Chicken- Sick & Dead Chicken Processing In China !! This is a breeding ground for bird flu!

Looks like the kitchen of most chinese restaurants... except no dogs. -Orsm

click for gallery
Sami wrote:
Subject: APEC
what they can see from the AMP building further up Bridge St
click for gallery
Kai wrote:
Subject: DOH
This was an idiot yesterday morning trying to do a wheelie down Hay Street. He lost control of his bike and it skidded 30 metres and wedged itself under this Pajero. Luckily for him he wasn't still on it at the time. I got there just after it happened.
click for gallery

vhsvsdvd wrote:
Subject: New Orleans
Picutes of New Orleans - 2 year after Kartrina hit. Obviously Irak is more important than New Orleans

Obviously... -Orsm

click for gallery
John wrote:
Subject: glacier ice melt
Ever see a glacier in action? The Perito Moreno Glacier in Argentina is quite impressive. This clip shows tourists in a grandstand watching as the glacier advances down the valley. A glacial ice-melt stream flowing through the glacier's downhill trudge, creates an ice tunnel, which eventually melts, and falls into the stream in pieces and chunks, obviously enthralling the viewers. This is the natural progression of a glacier, as it slowly advances downhill due to its overall weight and the melting at the bottom. It's pure physics and exciting!
click to watch video
Adrian wrote:
Subject: Russian SU-30
A demo by the RussianSU-30MK fighter. It can stall from high speed, stopping in less than a second, then descend tail first without causing an engine stall. It can also recover from a flat spin in less than a minute. These capabilities don't exist in any other aircraft in the world.
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said.

"The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free.""Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job."  "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.

And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were short by 53 votes..."

ORSM VIDEO

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Oriole tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said... "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

click here for more

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute." "YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says the dad interupting. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

RANDOM SHITE
Random... err... fuck it... if you don't know the deal by now then you never will. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."

click here for more

AERO OOOPS...

Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

That's pretty much all I got this week dudes. I'm tired, cold and hungry so I'll get a boogy on and just skip straight to the outro...

- Check out the site archives. They're fuller than a spastics nappy.
- Next update will be next Thursday. And you do not wanna miss it because it will be the biggest and bestest update of the year. Unles I find something better to do...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send you a video of my friend Ray sucking his own cock.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off the chems until next time and be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.09.06-23.19
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Click for more Shyla & Eva.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I was once.

Ah yes... spring has sprung... or autumn has unsprung... depending on where you are. Even better - the days are noticeably longer. Before too long it'll be hot again and bikinis will be back. Also known as happy days.

APEC. This is one of those things I probably should care more about than I do but to be honest there's only thing important to me. We know that this is one of, if not the, biggest security operation in Australia's history and we also know that protestors are planning demonstrations which definitely won't be peaceful. This can only mean one thing - heavy handed police brutality! I remember last time there was one of these meetings [globalisation or something?] and the protestors destroyed everything in their path... this time the cops are ready and I'm looking forward to the hippie bloodshed.

The Chaser boys... glad to see they haven't disappointed. For anyone not in the know these guys have a TV show which involves them -amongst other things- pissing off and embarrassing politicians by crossing the line when ever possible. Very funny and they proved it again today by busting security at the APEC thing. How? They dressed up as secret service agents, hired some limo's, formed a motorcade, emblazoned it with Canadian flags and managed to get waved through two security checkpoints before being stopped at the front of President Bushes hotel and then emerged dressed as Osama bin Laden. I wonder if they expected to get that far?

Not surprisingly they were all promptly arrested and hauled off for questioning. The cops are pretty upset calling it 'stupid' but I think they should be more concerned how [after spending several hundred million dollars on security] a group of comedians were so easily able to bypass it.

Okay let's boogie on to me and my week which was more or less unexciting... except for the crazy person banging on my front door at 3am a few nights ago but that's a whole other story...

Saturday. We talk about it every week but never make it happen so for the first time in aaaages we went shooting. I can't remember what they were suffice it to say one was a .38 Special and the other a 9mm. Great fun and another reminder for Honer if we ever get into a gun battle with each other I'd kick his arse...

Fathers Day Sunday. I got up early to give the car a wash before family commitments took over and absorbed the rest of my day. And what a day it was - the sun was out and shining and you could almost mistake it for being warm. Once I had that done it was in the shower, out the door and off to pick up my grandmother to take her to the cemetery and visit my grandfather's grave.

Ever been to a cemetery on Fathers Day or Mothers Day or whatever 'day'? I swear you've never seen anything like it! The place was almost gridlocked - people everywhere and traffic backed up hundreds of metres around the main exits. It was even worse when we got to my grandfathers section. Him and his mates are all buried close to each other so making a quick visit without my grandmother bumping in to someone she knew was never going to happen. So we did all the usual stuff - lit some candles, placed some fresh flowers, paid our respects and chatted to other old ladies that I pretended to remember from my childhood.

From there it was off to fathers for Fathers Day lunch which was extremely awesome and then back home to do whatever around the house which pretty soon turned into an afternoon nap. All up a damn good Sunday.

Alright that will probably do it. My blogs may not be all that entertaining but that's okay because this week's update is an absolute fucking cracker. Seriously this is the one people will talk about for years to come and if not I'll give your mum a knuckle sandwich. On with it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Webcam Sinner - Hurts To Watch - Just Play It - Sexy Tits - Wow Blonde - Wild Orgy - Sugar Pussy - Man on Fire

Tasty Teen - What A Peach - Girls Girls! - Entourage - Top That! - Asian Godess - Lesbianism - Fist Fuckers

Aniston Hotness - Lil Black Dress - Lohan Porn - Alba Pokies - Pam Anderson - SWAT Pranks - BMwreX - Sexy Mikuzi

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"
--
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."
--
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The girl from New York said: "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, BITCH?"

click here for more

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A Port Adelaide fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Port Adelaide jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a West Coast Eagles scarf.

"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Port Adelaide fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard. No Port fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Port supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"

"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave $20 to the starving children in Africa." "Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?" "Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave $20 to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans." "Okay," says St Peter, "just wait here a minute while I have a word with the big man."

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now fuck off."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Santa doesn't get this much mail. I hate holding back on you guys but if I posted everything there'd be no space for anything else... which come to think of it would probably make my life easier... hmmm. That doesn't mean you guys should stop bombarding me though! Please keep it up - a full inbox makes for a happy Orsm.

So how to do it? Well thanks to modern technology we now have something called 'email' which is used for the sharing of pornography with your friends during work hours but can also be used to send me whatever you like. Things such as pics of your skanky Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, jokey jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - anything! It's all welcome. All you must do is clickety-click here and make the magic happen.

JC wrote:
Subject:
Hey Orsm! How you doing buddy.... um regarding the lion attack, and Dave's comments - I won't be going to the Melbourne zoo anytime soon cos they clearly know very little about lions. One of those playful slaps will break your neck like a twig... they look relaxed because the prey is no threat to them: no horns, no hooves, no strength... similar to when they catch and kill baby animals. I have the rest of the video clip, when they actually start eating him, and it's real. His name was Piet Doenitz and no-one knows what possessed him to do what he did. Paid for his stupidity with his life and scarred his wife and kids for life in the deal! Lesson - Lions are not fluffy toys.
Peter wrote:
Subject: Frozen Sea
Hey Orsm, Cool site blah blah blah, that aint Cape Town in that frozen sea segment. It never gets that cold here, whoever sent that obviously doesn't live here. Its like the sea glassing over in Sydney, not going to happen. The other thing if that Miss Teen dumbass is going to solve our education problems here in SA we are in deep shit.
KTC9311 wrote:
Subject: About the "People's Court Prick"
Orsm, one thing you need to know, the Judge there is Maria Lopez, formerly a State Judge in Massachusetts. The judges there have a lifetime appointment, but due to very much controversy with regards to her attitude towards others, she was forced to resign. The nail in her coffin was when she released a transvestite pedophile on no bail, back to the same projects that he was a predator in. When the prosecutor tried to explain to her the proximity that he would have to children, she screamed and yelled at him, and threatened him with contempt of court. She had a history of abusive behavior towards the counsel, and now, unfortunately, she is making millions off of it.  BTW, Love your site, I check in each week for the updates.

Mort wrote:
Subject: Re: Gridsmasher question re: the fags photos
Hey mate, long time viewer of the site, luv it. Ever heard of the 'Growing up Gotti' show. Some of the knobs from that feature in the photos.

Had this from a few people. I still don't think its the same guys... just the same retarded hair-do's and "oww I like that - see if you can fit another finger in my bum" expression... -Orsm

Brad wrote:
Subject: Brisbane's River Fire Dump and Burn.
G'day ORSM, Love ya site. Me and my old man get a great kick out of it every week. Thought I might contribute something seeming as I am a regular these days. River Fire over Southbank, Brisbane. The F1-11's perform a dump and burn as they enter the CBD and then head skyward. This photo was taken from Cedar Vale, about 45Klms south as the crow flies of that area. The photo is a 70 second time exposure which started at the beginning of the D&B right through until they switched the dump off. Pretty darn cool I thought.
click to enlarge
shawn wrote:
Subject: pictures for you
I have been an orsm viewer for probably 3 years now. This is my first submission. I always look forward to the updates! I must be an addict! I can't wait till they update the iPhone so I can view the updates on the run and also show everyone the content. Anyways enough ass kissing, on to the filler. The first is a nasty little nose goblin. Looks more like a piece of my brain.
click to enlarge
gnc wrote:
Subject: poonie's head
this is what happened to poonie's head after he let our extremely drunk mate, who was so drunk he couldn't walk straight, push him down the road in a shopping trolley.
click to enlarge
henry wrote:
Subject: pics
good morning veils photographs of my companion can you publiees on your site. thank you.
click for gallery
shawn wrote:
Subject: Re: pictures for you
The first picture is a wide shot of an apartment complex next to mine. This is a wide shot I took of the building while we were all partying up on the rooftop. When I zoomed in I found this cheeky fellow pulling it while looking at his laptop. The last of these pictures is a shot of his window and the one above which was a girl that was naked in her room, just climbing under the covers. How close they are to getting what they both want.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Man on fire
Good evening Mr. Orsm. Great site love the jokes and fucked up pics. Speaking of fucked up pics. It was a boring weekend so me and some friends got together and it ended with me being lit on fire. I am not kidding.Here are some shots of me on fire!!! I'll send some more killer pics soon or some pussy shots etc. Or some neat video. I love the girlfriend shots.... have some good stuff haha. Hope ya like them.
click for gallery
DandN Diecast wrote:
Subject: Enter The Sandman
Gday Mate. We are a couple of Queenslanders who dig you're site. Credit to you, you got some good fucked up shit. We just "Pimped" a 1:18 Scale Diecast Panel Van for a mate. It's the newish panel van that Holden bought out in 2003, we think this is what they should have made it to look like. We're pretty stoked with it, maybe your fans might like it 2. See what you reckon. Keep Up the Good Work
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hi ORSM I check your page every week. It is great. Please post these pics of the most selfish bitch I have ever met. Hide my info please. Will send more later/
click for gallery
Yorkie wrote:
Subject: Brit Squaddie Chick Masturbation
Hi Mr Orsm. Been a fan for ages, and tune in every Thursday yada yada yada. any way after years of enjoying free smut i thougt it time to finally contribute and give some thing back to the Orsm community. I'm a mechanic in the British Army (REME) and recently got hold of this little gem of a video. It is a video of a chick called Charlie who is also a mechanic in the British Army, her boy friend stupidly left his phone at the REME training school bar; his so called friends then bluetoothed this video to their own phones; within a matter of hours the whole regiment had a coppy. Enjoy Mr Orsm and keep up the good work. please no name or detales thank, could get into alot of trouble
click to watch video

cumnon wrote:
Subject: fleshlight
Hey you bastard! Ordered a fleshlight from a link on your site, best 50 bucks I ever spent! Sylvia and I will be together for a long time. If you fuckers don't have one, get one; came home drunk the other night and she didn't bitch, piss, or moan. Got to find out if they take trade ins.... appreciate your site.

They really are that good! Check em out here. -Orsm

click to watch video
Big Bad Draino wrote:
Subject: video
A mate of a mates girlfriend, he was feeling lonely so she sent him this and I got my grubby hands on it.
click to watch video
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An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"

ORSM VIDEO

THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
9. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shit.
11. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
12. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
13. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
14. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
16. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
19. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
20. Oh I get it... like humour... but different...?

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Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!"

Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

RANDOM SHITE
Checka-checka-checka-checka-checka-checka-checka-checka-checka-checka... check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

Once in the air the stewardess comes around, and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whisky, bitch."

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot but forgets the coffee.

When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whisky, bitch."

Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me."

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and toss them both out of the aeroplane. As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy bastard."

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Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street? He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his passengers to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an extremely large woman.

Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. She replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly."

The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick... I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'."

"Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming." As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, 'Where are Bert and Ernie???'

The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute."

The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester Creep!" For lack of anything better to say, he told him, "Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."

Now the driver was really thinking, 'I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!' As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe. 'Oh, gross!' he thought. 'This is nothing like I thought it would be! No Bert, no Ernie! Just a bunch of weirdos!!!'

He mulled it all over for a while, and then suddenly he began to smile. He thought to himself, 'Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?!?!'

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

ORSM VIDEO


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Fin. Done. Over... for this week anyway. Just in the nick of time too - I woke up this morning so far behind schedule that I thought it was probably easier to just skip it and get stuck into next weeks update but for whatever reason failed to take into account my mad skillz and the result, as you will have just witnessed, is another superb update...

- Check out the site archives. They're sicker than male to male fluid transfer.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless the frickin' server craps out again! [Sorry, folks!]
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will seduce your Dad, form a caring relationship, move in together and then break up with him right before Valentine's Day.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Pav. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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