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September 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.09.24-23.oh2
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Whoa... gay.

And just like that I'm back to reality. 11 days, 3146 kilometres, 367 litres of fuel, 45 hours behind the wheel, 2100 photos and it's all over. Had a fucking great time, saw some amazing country and finally, for the first time in too long, had a chance to relax. Not really sure how to squeeze everything into one blog but here is the truncated version...

Departure was the Tuesday. Destination Kalgoorlie - a mining town 600 kilometres due east. The longest single drive I've ever done and learnt a lot on the way... like there's a whole different set of road rules compared to the south west highways I'm used to, particularly when it comes to overtaking large vehicles and road trains. This is where, due to inexperience, I managed to get myself positioned between a huge truck towing a huge load and the Pilot vehicle behind it. Not the place to be and I now know this because my windscreen has the stone chips to prove it...

Started the next day at the Super Pit, Australia's largest open cut gold mine. Essentially a massive 500 metre deep hole in the ground and one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Could easily have sat there all day watching the Haul Packs and other machinery cruise up and down. From there it was off to do the Langtrees tour which [I swear] was my first time in a brothel. Kind of interesting but was a little creeped out by the strong disinfectant smell.

Said goodbye to Kal on Thursday and headed 400kms directly south to a coastal town called Esperance which is nice, but to be honest, totally fucking boring... the drive however is spectacular. The landscape changes so dramatically from bush to forest to mining to agricultural to fields of green and yellow to coastal. Had no idea all that was in my own backyard. Thankfully less big trucks to deal with too but holy crap talk about your Grey Nomads - old farts in a four-wheel-drive towing a caravan or campervans etc. I used to think caravanning was dead, you don't see them anymore, but that's because they're all out there!

Spent Friday exploring the Cape Le Grande National Park which is 50kms from Esperance and definitely a highlight. Weather was average so didn't walk around or climb shit much but enjoyed it immensely. Tonnes of bays and beaches, plains and mini mountainy things which are absolutely breathtaking. From there I did the Great Ocean Drive - a 40km circuit which admittedly offsets in part for the pointlessness of Esperance.

Saturday. Depart west for Albany. Around 480kms but same deal as the drive to Esp - simply amazing countryside. So many places I had to stop and take photos... which was a tad inconvenient due to my fucking seatbelt buckle breaking for no good reason. It still worked, but you had to jiggle with it for a few minutes before it would lock in. Very annoying and not something you can go without when the roads are all 110km/hr zones.

This was my second trip to Albany and appreciated it a lot more this time. The town is old with a long history and there's plenty to look at and do... unless it's a Sunday and everything is closed. Odd to drive down the main street of a major tourist town and find most places closed.

Departed Monday for Dunsborough. Only about 400kms west but takes forever because there's so much to check out along the way and the route isn't direct. I love this drive. I could do it back and forward every day. You see a sign, a track, a road -whatever- and it will almost always lead somewhere interesting which incidentally is what happened on Hilltop Lookout. A track in the middle of nowhere which provided some awesome scenery and also claimed my front left tyre. Note to self: low profile rubber on isolated, pothole-ridden tracks is a bad idea...

Took the next few days to explore all my usual favourite spots [beaches, wineries, towns, bakeries, wineries and wineries...] around the Margaret River Region and again a whole bunch of others I'd never before come across plus take some time to sit on my butt and chill out. Always a novelty to have a Wednesday and Thursday to myself where scrambling madly to get the update finished is not part of it.

Friday was mixed emotions. Both glad and devastated to be heading home. The trip was perfect, much overdue and much needed but the longer I was gone the more cut off from the world I felt... and by that I mean insane family and friends, 16 hour work days and so on. Seriously - thank God [Steve Jobs?] for the iPhone and ability to check email just about anywhere.

There's a whole bunch of pics below I snapped below if you're keen for a look. Let me know what you think! If not there's always the rest of the update. Check it...

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Get Off Ya Noodle! - Perfecto - Tash's Beerfest - Fun With D&D - Lohan Vagina - Huuuge Bewbs - PAWG Pornstars

Kyla Cole - The Egg Prank - Bad Hangover - Near Miss - Freakout Kid - Scooter Loser - Fifty Percent Grey

Sneak A Peak - Hitler's Message - Fish Thief - Award Moments - Pink Bits - Body Checked - Towel-Matic

Click for more awesomeness

Is it to soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
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How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say 'congratulations'. But none of them rub your dick and say 'well done'.
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My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
--
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine..."

ORSM VIDEO

REGGIE

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls - he wouldn't go anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.

I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them - when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his name - sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.

This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cell phone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "damn dog probably hid it on me."

Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I also found his pad and other toys from the shelter. I tossed the pad in Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home.

But then I called, "Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he sort of glanced in my direction - maybe 'glared' is more accurate - and then gave a discontented sigh and flopped down with his back to me.

Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.

But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that, too. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice"... CONTINUES HERE....

WESTERN AUSTRALIA by Orsm
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

ORSM VIDEO


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and se es that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!" To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do 'johnsons'". You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!"

DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH DANI
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the balls.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.  I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Manchester Symphony Orchestra.  She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".

SUCK IT DOWN!
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READER MAIL
Mail returns with a very loud BANG! Leaving my inbox alone for a few weeks had me return home to over 400 new emails so what you'll find below is the cream of the crop. There's a shitload more which I'll post in the next couple of update but in the mean time you dudes should feel free to click here and keep filling my box with anything and everything.

Lauren wrote:
Subject: Raandom Shite
Mr Orsm, You posted a picture of a clock in your RS this week - but I don't get the significance of it? I couldn't see anything wrong or funny or rude with it. the only thing I noticed was that the clock had 'IIII' instead of 'IV', but surely that can't be it. please enlighten me. Thanks.

Looooooooots of people asked about this. I saw it as the four being wrong - should be IV not IIII. Pretty lame but I stared at it for V minutes before I worked it out. Problem is answered in the email below... -Orsm

Pete H. wrote:
Subject: Quick question
... a lot of clocks with roman numerals on use IIII instead of IV. Try doing a google image search for "clock face" and have a gander at [this]. Its one of those things you don't notice until its pointed out I guess! I know I never knew about it until I was told a couple of years ago.

Philip wrote:
Subject: sad disgusting lion video
i saw this footage on tv years ago. the lion wasnt being hunted for sport, it was a maneater.

Gill wrote:
Subject: Re: Hamas Child Brides
You are so right as always Orsm. Keep up the great work. Surprisingly this has not hit Snopes yet, ah well.

Lynx Raven Raide wrote:
Subject: RE: Hamas Mass Wedding
Looked it up, and you were right to call BS. While there was a mass wedding, with most of the grooms getting $500 (due to not being able to afford the cost of a wedding ceremony) the girls weren't the brides. From here, the youngest bride was 16, and given that the original video/story that people are basing it on comes from a site called WeJew. I would think it is safe to say there is more than just as little slanting going on here. The girls are probably the equivalent of Christian flower girls, that's all.

jordaan wrote:
Subject: request
I have been a long time reader of this web site, thus the reason i write this request, i am very patriotic and since south africa does not have a "nice site" with tru home grown honnies on i request that the south african readers send me some pics of nude south africa girls " asb nie boesman fotos nie". Thx manne

<with held> wrote:
Subject: garido house
With regards to [this]. I also did the same. But then I found something creepy. In that picture, notice there is a van in the driveway. Now go to street view and head south. You will see the van drive out of the driveway and then follow the Google car to the next intersection. At the intersection, you can see the people in the car, a man driving, a woman in the front seat and what looks like someone in the back. What are the chances!

click to enlarge

Dubs wrote:
Subject: For those interested
I recently undertook a build on my bike, here is a before and also some after shots.

When can I take it for a spin? BTW I have never ridden a bike before - does that matter? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Warning Slut. With attachment this time
Heres a great status update. Please keep email confidential. Thanks
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: filthy knickers
Hey Mr ORsm, A pic of my step daughters filthy knickers. She's 24, model looks and still a VIRGIN. I get great pleasure checking out her huge selection of g-strings. Sometimes I get em when they are still moist!

Wrong on SO many levels. -Orsm

V wrote:
Subject: Belinda Neals Office
This is Belinda Neal's office on the Central Coast of NSW. Her husband John De La Bosca's office must be the one on the left.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: biker party
brothers of the wheel club party in west virginia.please withhold my info

My invite get lost in the mail...? -Orsm

John wrote:
Subject: YOU JUST CAN'T FIX STUPID
Sure Wish They Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes.

I have done this... -Orsm

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Ken wrote:
Subject: Javelina (collared pecary) photos
Long time fan. First time contributor blah blah blah. Javelina (technically, collared pecary) are native to northern Mexico and West Texas/New Mexico. These photos were taken at the Bellah Ranch just north of the Rio Grande in Terrell County, Texas. Game warden only lets us shoot two a year, so these are the only pictures you're getting this year. There's more available if you want them. Lovely little things, huh?

Joseph wrote:
Subject: Black Girl
Here's a pic of a bimbo who had sex with me because she was pissed off and wanted to get back at her ex-fiancee. It's all good by me :)

click to enlarge
dean wrote:
Subject: pics
mate of mine found a camera plz hide details lov ya wk.
click for gallery

Supaduck wrote:
Subject: B-1
How to pick up a B1 bomber. Who to blame... Pilot or riggers. What it takes to get a pretty airplane back up on it's legs when someone lands it gear-up.It's incomprehensible how this happened, except "someone forgot to put the gear handle down".

click for gallery
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Blasting incident (Queensland)
oops...
click for gallery

Kim wrote:
Subject: aussie cock
Was hoping you could post this on your site, I was fucked by this aussie guy with a huge cock and I wanted to share it with your readers. I took some photos before he did the deed and I look forward to Cumming back to Australia if all the men have tools like this one.

Reminds me a bit of my own except I have substantially more girth and length. -Orsm

click for gallery

Man Eater wrote:
Subject: Now THIS is a pet
IF you thought the legend of the horse whisperer was impressive, here's an animal tale with even more bite. Rather than trying to tame wild stallions, fearless Costa Rican fisherman Chito prefers a playful wrestle in the water with his best pal Pocho - a deadly 17ft crocodile.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: How bout a real F40
Dude, top site. Been following since 01. Came across the "F40" photos in reader mail last update. Have included some pics of a real F40 if you're interested. I got to have a perv at it while working at Barbagallo last year. Excuse the shitty phone camera quality.
click for gallery
DtM wrote:
Subject: Photos of the Blowout
PTT Montara blowout.....
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mr. Orsm
Here's some good shit. Attached are Pictures of some silly Russian bitch I talked to on an anonymous chat site. She's obviously not too shy, as you can see. Nice tits, too. Please hide details! Thank you sir, And splendid site.
click for gallery

Ross wrote:
Subject: Sydney dust storm
Sydney is experiencing a rather severe dust storm today - here's some photographs of just how bad it is !!!!

You say it was a dust storm, I say it was a nod to Sydney's favourite website, Orsm.net. -Orsm

click for gallery
Dj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Here s one for you ..... the boys at work and how not to get your boat on the trailer...hope you like it.
click to watch video

Greg wrote:
Subject: accident
Russian Hydro plant accident

This one requires PowerPoint or some sort of PP viewer people. -Orsm

requires Power Point
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Is Beautiful
I'm in awe! The blacker they are....
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Tony, just about blind drunk, ambled into a bar and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.

"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple - orgasm, all the money's yours."

Tony was up for it. He paid the 50-buck fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike the bouncer cold.

Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bulls ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.

Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony re-entered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now, where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

COME FLY WITH ME
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
Yeah yeah! Check it...

click for gallery

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A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. The both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem", the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see", says the manager, "and this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"

IT'S ALL ABOUT BRITTNEY
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

ORSM VIDEO


You guys have NO IDEA how close this update came to never existing. My birthday, friends in town, dinners, socialising, a drunken Saturday night, the kitchen project underway, a phone that has not stopped ringing - literally continual interruptions. I bring it on myself don't I? Shouldn't have scheduled everything this week, shouldn't have been born in September, shouldn't be so charismatic and likeable. That said, if you don't have such an exciting, action packed life then the following is for you...

- Check out the site archives. They'll keep more amused than fat people.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or maybe it wont. Will see what else is happening and let you know okay...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will paint the town... orange.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy birthday Nath. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.09.17-22.74
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Dude... take a chillaxative.

Why no blog this week you wonder disappointedly? Two reasons. Firstly, after asking Ray to give it another whirl last week I was left gobsmacked and in awe... mostly for the wrong reasons. Second. I'm still away and would rather be out doing shit than sitting on my laptop typing away. So what to do, what to do? When all else fails - resort to humour...

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
--
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?""I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur - be careful".
--
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks."I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser."
--
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says "Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99."
--
Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, throws three nails on the desk - and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
--
The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

MyFreeCams.com

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

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Time 2 Play - Perfect Bewbs - Mariah Drunk - Free Slaps - Blonde Swinger - Awkward - Shenanigans - Nature Freaks

Skin FTW - In The News - Breast-quake - Tiny Entourage - Anastasia - Pimped Tractor - Fertilized

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
--
Q. How can you tell when an Aboriginal woman is having her period? A. She's only wearing one sock.
--
Guy goes into crowded bar and has to stand next to a really nasty looking drunk. He orders a drink and after it comes he smells a god awful smell coming from the drunk. So he ask him "Did you fart?" The drunk says he didn't. A minute or two later the smell hits him again and even worse that before. A real gagger. He asks the drunk again did you fart. He says no, but the smell was making his eyes water and his nose to run so he asks "Did you shit yourself? The drunk replies, "Yes I did." So the guy asks him why don't you go clean yourself up. He says, "Cause I'm not through yet!"

ORSM VIDEO

COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?
If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet.
It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.
If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.

A FANTASY COME TRUE
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Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious..."

ORSM VIDEO


A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
 
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?

I SHOT MYSELF
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21 REASONS NOT TO HAVE KIDS

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

YOU CAN'T PARK THERE!
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ORSM VIDEO
Same as last week - whole motherload of various bits and shits to fill the deep, painful void left by Reader Mail section. Why? Because I'm happily well the fuck away from the computer and all email is going unread until my return. I doubt there will be too many complaints - there are some fucking great vids below. Hours of entertainment. Check 'em...

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The old tight fisted farmer married a young bride. Soon she became pregnant. The farmer took his wife to the doctor. He asked the doctor, "How much is this going to cost?" The doctor replied, "With prenatal care, hospital stay…." "Just give me the bottom line," said the farmer. The doctor replied, "Around $5,000." "WHAT!?" said the farmer. "I've birthed enough animals myself, I think we'll just rely on good old Mother Nature." With that the farmer and his too trusting wife left.

About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."

A TOUCH OF HEATHER
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TOP 10 FEMALE REJECTION LINES

WHAT SHE SAYS: I think of you as a brother.
TRANSLATION: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'

WHAT SHE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages.
TRANSLATION: I don't want to do my dad.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
TRANSLATION: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

WHAT SHE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now.
TRANSLATION: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I've got a boyfriend.
TRANSLATION: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I don't date men where I work.
TRANSLATION: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

WHAT SHE SAYS: It's not you, it's me.
TRANSLATION: It's you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career.
TRANSLATION: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm celibate.
TRANSLATION: I've sworn off only the men like you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: Let's be friends.
TRANSLATION: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.

TOP 10 MALE REJECTION LINES (TRANSLATED!)

WHAT HE SAYS: I think of you as a sister.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: I've got a girlfriend.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: I don't date women where I work.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: It's not you, it's me.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm celibate.
TRANSLATION: You're ugly.

WHAT HE SAYS: Lets be friends.
TRANSLATION: You're sinfully ugly.

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A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth.

"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.

The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.

After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

WEDDING SERBIAN STYLE
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A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings.

After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more".

The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"

ORSM VIDEO


Time to bail this bitch. Just one more thing before I do...

- Check out the site archives. Trust me - you'll regret not doing it.
- Next update will be next Thursday. That's right, right...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kick up a really big fuss.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and dance like no one is watching. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.09.10-23.??
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm town.

Was totally expecting not to have the time to conjure up a blog this week but through some miracle I find myself with more time than expected. Probably should have aimed to leave on Monday rather than waste the extra day which could otherwise be spent jaunting around the countryside. Holy fucking shit though, this damn getaway is far better timed that I could ever have planned. I'm not sure what happened over the weekend, if it was the full moon or if something has entered the water supply or what but it's starting to feel a lot like I'm the only sane person around here. Everyone around me is either upset, angry, scorned, vengeful or some combination thereof. Thank fucking Christ I'll be out of arms reach for the next week and a half. Seriously - can't we all just get a long...?

Moving on... I'd promised my friend Ray that he could take over the reins while I'm away. Pretty straightforward arrangement - I do the entire update, pay all the bills etc and Ray writes the blog, takes all the credit then lauds it over me for five or six months. Unforgettables such as "Your website would be nothing without me" and "Your audience fucking love me you fat fuck". You get the picture.  Okay so not the ideal arrangement... when you invite a guest blogger it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get someone credible and entertaining. But this is Orsm... no one has ever really come here for the blogging. So brace yourselves or just scroll down [what I would do].

There's nothing different about me. I'm just another bored male, approaching 30, in a dead-end job, who lives for the weekend.

Casual sex, watered-down lager, heavily cut drugs. And occasionally kicking fuck out of someone. What else are you gonna do on a Saturday? Sit in your fuckin' armchair wankin' off to Pop Idols? Then try and avoid your wife's gaze as you struggle to come to terms with your sexless marriage? Then go and spunk your wages on kebabs, fruit machines and brasses? Fuck that for a laugh! I know what I'd rather do. ORSM.NET, love it!

Getting beaten up by football hooligans is like looking at Random Shite. The fucking pain goes on forever. But that's what makes it so exciting. Are you gonna sit in some poxy office with a cunt for a boss telling you what to do as you count your pennies trying to make ends meet in a country that's sinking into strikes and wars and at the end of the day you go home to your cosy little flat in 'nowheresville' and pull your IKEA curtains shut to hide from the big bad world and pretend it's not happening? Or are you gonna stand up and be counted, make a difference and feel the rush? Just for once say "fuck it". I'm coiled up like a spring and I'm ready to burst and wanking ain't doing it anymore. I need Random Shite to make me feel I'm still alive. I know what I'd rather do, mate.ORSM.net. Love it!

You think you know me. You think, you hope that I'm someone else. I'm not. I'm Ray. I'm your best friend; who makes you wish you were being beaten up and stomped into oblivion by the ICF. It could be worse though; you could have just drew Millwall after spending the night fucking the firms' top dogs' sister. You could be made out to be a complete fucken mug infront of your pals. You could be dragged outside and opened up. One of these fates is what has become of Mr Orsm. If it were up to me, he would never be coming back. You know, I've had my eye on a nice little blonde number, she's totally gagging for it. Then again, she could be outdone. Are you hotter? Do you think I should fuck you instead? Send your pics in and maybe Mr Orsm will make you famous. If you're ugly or a man, I'm suddenly not interested in you. Anyways you muggy cunts; sit back, relax and check out the update.

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Bob bought a dog and trained it for months till it understood common commands. Bob walks into a pub with his dog and sees another man with a dog. He walks up to the other man and asks him, "Mate I bet ya $ 100 your dog isn't as smart as mine. I've trained my dog for months." The man accepts and says, "Prove your dog is smarter than mine." Bob then tells the dog to do the standard tricks - sit, roll, beg, pay dead etc. The other man looks unimpressed and says "Nah mate, your dogs not smart. Mine can understand five word sentences. Bob, astounded then says, "C'mon prove it then!" The man then throws the dog into the fireplace and screams, "Rover get out of the fire!"
--
An Auckland couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision - why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.

ORSM VIDEO

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.  He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.  Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... you must be so disappointed."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

MADISON & JERRI LEZ SHIT UP
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WHAT IT TOOK TO GET AN 8TH GRADE EDUCATION IN 1895...
Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

GRAMMAR (TIME, ONE HOUR)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications..
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

ARITHMETIC (TIME,1 HOUR 15 MINUTES)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft.. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. HISTORY (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

ORTHOGRAPHY (TIME, ONE HOUR)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals& nbsp;
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, f ain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

GEOGRAPHY (TIME, ONE HOUR)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying 'he only had an 8th grade education' a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don't have the answers!

ORSM VIDEO


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona!" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the fridge and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers' - a Budweiser!" The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

NIP SLIP AWESOMENESS
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WHY ARE YOU NOT MARRIED?

You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

STREAKERS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

ORSM VIDEO
Today you guys get a whole bunch of bonus videos to make up for the lack of Reader Mail which will return in a couple of weeks following my absence from the big city. We are now also on a brand new super powered server so this will be a good chance to put it through its paces. Check 'em...

Click for more awesomeness

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00AM'. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

MY BABY BREE
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RANDOM SHITE

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

CAPTURE THE MOMENT
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A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and a stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up' pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot has a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I would not do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me, they could not find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HER brains all over the place."

No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him," she replied, "that if he killed me, he would be the one who would have to give you guys your blow jobs."

ORSM VIDEO


Let's keep this brief...

- Check out the site archives. It's what Jesus would do.
- Next update will be next Thursday... as long as all the pieces fall into place.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will be blogging for the rest of the year.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't call unlesss it's an emergency. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.09.03-14past23
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Told ya. Loser.

Sep-fucking-tember. How good is that!? Of course it's come around faster than any other Sep-fucking-tember this year but I'm happy nonetheless. Why? Its birthday month! At some point Orsm.net enters its final single digit year and I hit the big **. This means hardly any presents and the ones I do get will most likely lead to fake smiles and disappointment. I look forward to it now -  the mystery is not in the present but the degree of disappointment. It could be said that buying better presents for my loved ones on their own birthdays would lead to reciprocation on their part but I've tried and failed at this before. Until then I'll live in hope that ONE DAY someone will surprise me with something I've always wanted... shouldn't be too hard... as long as she's tall, big-breasted, mute and eager to please.

Ever have one of those moments where you realise there are some things you know go on but are happy staying completely oblivious to? I had one last week. A documentary called Dead Body Squad which focused on the people who do 'trauma cleanup'. Basically clean the mess up when someone has died, been killed or suicided. The most fucked up thing was not the blood or maggots or flies - it was the poor bastards who died by themselves, alone. Some left to rot for weeks before being discovered. If it's your time then fine. Take me, bury me and be done with it but that shit is about as far from graceful as you can get and funnily enough it's the first time I've really thought living solo is a bad idea. For the love of god I do not want to have it end like that... in a decaying mass spread across the floor with insects consuming me.

Moving on... I'm more than happy to announce that the much prolonged, much desired, much needed holiday I've mentioned over 84,000 times in the last few months is finally here... almost. Tuesday is departure day. Destinations are locked, accommodation booked and I'll bitch slap anyone that tries to interfere or fuck it up. All that has to be done between now and then is attend a wedding, recover from hangover, do Father's Day stuff, finish two updates and pack my bags. Should be a breeze...

Destinations: Kalgoorlie, Esperance, Albany and Dunsborough - essentially east, south, west, north. Map here. Have never been to the first two so looking forward to them. The rest I covered on my road trip last year and they were awesome. Beyond that I deliberately haven't planned a single thing beyond turn phone off, drive, explore, take photos, relax and that is it. Hopefully find some cool places to earmark for a longer stay next year. If anyone has recommendations email me.

Let's quickly cover the weekend shall we? Trust me it's nothing you'll remember but lets face facts here... I have some space so why not fill it with more stuff about ME! ME! ME!

Friday night signified the end of the football season as I know it, although it did end on a high. Okay so the West Coast Eagles didn't make the finals but there is hope for next year. Mark LeCras is my hero. As for the teams that did make the finals - I don't care who wins as long as it's not Collingwood.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much like all the rest with visiting family and shopping except there was considerable time spent strapped to the computer trying to get far enough ahead with updates that I can actually enjoy my break and topped off with an awesome Indian meal with friends on Sunday night. Weekend rating: 7.5/10.

Okay that brings everything up to date. Now sit back and relax whilst you scroll through -what I think- is one of the better updates of my career as a purveyor of porn and various random oddities. Check it...

Summer is on it's way ! One of my favourite sites that has been around for over 5 years is Reality Skin. The weekly updates are great! This weeks update is smoking hot with a horny little girlfriend who loves webcam. This is the site I go for my fix of amateur, homemade and celebrity vids and pix. So do yourself a favour and go check out all the hot party girls at Reality Skin - the best thing about it that you can check it out for FREE!!! Enjoy :)

MyFreeCams.com

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

freeworldgroup - Facebook Hacks - Lotto Losers - Geek Girls - Drink Butter - Dude Perfect! - Latin Hooker

Bella Italiana - Calorie Killer - Going Apeshit - Wacky Weather - Spice Boobs - Power Sliding - A Sad Cat

Fatman Hilarity - Kinda Gay Bro - Soph's Toe - Retarded Dog - Paris Loves - Ride 'Em! - Desperate Times

Click for more awesomeness

Walking to work this morning I passed a mechanics van. He was sobbing uncontrolably and looked miserable as fuck. I thought to myself that man is heading for a breakdown.
--
Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos. He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object. The same co-worker sees he has a thermos and asks, "What do you have in it?" He says, "Soup, and ice cream!"
--
The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
--
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Lisa," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mum," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
--
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realises she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.  "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"  "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."

ORSM VIDEO

RANDOM THOUGHTS - 25-35 YEAR OLDS...

Is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?


Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.


I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?


LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.


Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an client and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)... ummm... Goonies".

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.


I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 40km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.


The other night I ordered takeaway. When I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

I'M ALL ABOUT ABBEY
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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mum. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me..."

ORSM VIDEO


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Of course he thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he's big shot lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from West Virginia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please." "What for?" asks the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop" says the deputy, "License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats impatiently..

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and without warning starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop... or just slow down?"

I ACCIDENTALLY... OOOPS...
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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a suck my dick!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

BUSTY GURLS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Cheers to everyone who submitted this week. Please - pat yourselves on the back. My inbox was pumped harder than a ummm... something that's pumped really hard... but please don't stop there. I'm a greedy fucker and as such I demand more! What do I want? What don't we want is more like it! Avoid anything with cruelty and/or sex with kids and/or animals and you should be right. Got that? Great. Now send!

Shane McKenzie wrote:
Subject: Proposal for Sponsorship
Hi All, Are you able to get this out to the local businesses around your area? I'm sure they could all chip in a dollar or two, I'm not asking for much from this letter. My thought is to collect lots and lots of small amounts from many different sources. They can donate direct into my PayPal account from the front page of my website (shanemckenzie.com). I need this to hit as many people as possible. Please pass it around to anyone that might be able to help me promote the cause. I'll be happy to pay a spotters fee of 5% to anyone that generates leads to coin coming in to me. My target is $20K in total. Cheers for now and thanks for your support

Don't usually post these but Shane is a regular contributor to Orsm, all round nice guy, very well endowed AND it's a worthy cause... so help a brother out. -Orsm

gary wrote:
Subject: Subject: Anyone fancy a fry-up?
just to let you know marios cafe is in westhoughton near manchester and not in london

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Smart car goes squish...
Good morning Sir, ?? In response to the supposed Smart car wreck... there are three things awry. First - there is entirely 'too much wreckage' there between the two trucks to be the tiny two-seater Smart, Second - there is no evidence of a second exterior color (the tridion safety cell) and Third - the wheels are not Smartcar wheels (size, design and most importantly lug nut configuration are all wrong). I'm not saying a Fortwo would have fared much better - just don't bash the brand til you try it. Thanks for your time & hide the details please. Thank you!

Scott wrote:
Subject: Japan Village
In case anyone gives a crap, that Japanese Villiage is called Ogimachi, in Shirakawa-go Provence. It has the biggest group of Gassho-Zukuri houses in Japan. These are traditional mountain houses of the central Hida region, which are part of the UNESCO World Heritage listings.

wylie wrote:
Subject: Site comment
Hey I just wanted to say that I've been going to your website since 2000 and the site is still kicking fucking ass! Now a days one of the best part of my week is checking the site for updates every thursday. Keep up the good work and keep exposing the world for what it is. \m/

Could not agree more... -Orsm

click for gallery

Cheese Master wrote:
Subject: The Provolone is back!
Howdy Orsm! Been a fan for a long time, keep it going man, the site is orsm! Now down to business.. I read last year (orsmupdate 2008.08.14-23.20) about your experience with the 100kg Provolone Cheese down at Innaloo, well I'm glad to annouce to yourself and fellow enthusiasts of the site, that the Cheese is back! Please come down again this Saturday, for more free samples, and take some home.. any cheese lover will not be disappointed! Enclosed are some pics, for those who cant fathom 100kg's of handmade, imported orsmness! Peace!

ALL local cheese lovers should get down there for this. Absolutely awesome cheese. Cutting is at 11am and you will have to fight off the up to 90% of the Greek and Italian community for a slice so don't be late. -Orsm

CJ wrote:
Subject: AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market. To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "The Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!" They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT

click to enlarge

Thirsty Swagman wrote:
Subject: Wicked Camper Van
Hey mate, This interest ya? It's the coolest van in Australia (done by Wicked Campers for us today).

This is actually quite an honour. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Vee wrote:
Subject: subi-girl
Last Saturday outside subi hotel.had to do a ninja "pretend to be on the phone snap" ! well spastimacated!! Cheers

I'm guessing she was up from the southern suburbs...? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Michael wrote:
Subject: Trek dog
I admit to being a Star Trek Nerd. I hated the latest movie. It was entertaining, yes, but moreover, it was a giant middle finger to the last 40 years of Star Trek "history." That said, my dad sent this to me this morning...
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DtM wrote:
Subject: Snake
Snake found in Malaysia. One big fucker.

Reminds me of my... snake. -Orsm

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click to enlarge click to enlarge
Jack wrote:
Subject: Two photographs
Hello Mr O, The two photographs attached were taken on by me in the village of Collingham, near Newark, Nottinghamshire England. Please note the street name.
Steve wrote:
Subject: Festival Fun !!!!!!!!
this is from a friend who went to the V-Festival recently !!!!
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Bernie Russell wrote:
Subject: you can get it
gday mr orsm, long time reader,(courtesy of woody from coolangatta), first time contributor. check out the back of the bunk on my new KW908, also check out nsw road repairers handywork. would you sit on a dollar on this goat track. its the boomi-talwood rd 20 odd ks south of the qld border. feel free to leave my details,im a pshcopath in desperate need of new victims. cheers n beers bernie

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex
ex gf. no details please! thanks

Lovely. Points have been awarded for size, symmetry, areola size and cleavage. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Stefan wrote:
Subject: Once again, a cool car plate...
Hi Mr Orsm, check this one out: a german licence plate saying BL-ST 1945... get it? ;-) Kind regards, keep up the great work!
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
First Pitch

This proves nothing... but is nonetheless funny. -Orsm

Kate wrote:
Subject: For ORSM
Love the site. This was a funny bit over here in States. A radio DJ from Minneapolis hired a banner tow over a packed stadium of people in Green Bay after Brett Favre went to play for the Vikings. Full video is at www.kdwb.com
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: the wife
Keep details private please, might have more if we get a good response

Short of sending you a pic of my penis please consider my response extremely positive. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Terry wrote:
Subject: Entrance Exam
If you think the SAT, GCE,ACT are hard ...! Ha. Irish College Entrance Exam:

Motherfucking thing... didn't get any of them! -Orsm

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SS wrote:
Subject: Taronga's New Baby Elephant
These are absolutely gorgeous.
click for gallery

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Mass Muslim Marriage in Gaza
CHECK THIS MOB OF SICK DICKHEADS OUT! Very disturbing! Hamas sponsored a mass wedding for four hundred and fifty couples. Most of the grooms were in their mid to late twenties; most of brides were under ten. Each groom received a gift of 500 dollars from Hamas. The pre-pubescent girls, dressed in white gowns and adorned with garish make-up, received bridal bouquets. The wedding photos tell the rest of the sordid tale.

Got this from a few people but I'm calling BS on this one. Anyone able to confirm or deny? -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: hehe
Hello Brother Orsm! Please withhold my details on this but this is a ROYAL bitch that is taking a guy I know to the cleaners. Nothing would be more fitting than having her skanky ass plastered on your website for the entire world to see. Have fun with these.
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Marijuana wrote:
Subject: email!
Look at this bitchin "Ferrari F40" LOL!

OMG that is sooooo kewliez!!! -Orsm

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Dale wrote:
Subject: Kidnapper House
So I got bored and did some research. Here is the house where Garrido kept the girl for 18 years in the back yard. Yeah i know, too much time on my hands.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail: found pics!
I work for myself as an IT hardware contractor, and came across these photos whilst fixing a customers computer. She isn't too bad if I say so myself, and as always, I would like to remain anonymous, just in case :-)
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ORSM VIDEO

Three rugby fans - a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan- were all walking home after watching a game at the pub. They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.

The Springbok fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his Springbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast. Not to be outdone the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the Australian fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police. They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes. Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.

For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan. The officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"

MONIK-AHH
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RANDOM SHITE
I love this RS. No seriously. Don't try and tell me otherwise. I love it. It's good than good. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20.00". "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

BEAUTIFUL SPAIN
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Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is... "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is... "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon...

Once more he flew off to find a mate.  This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was... "I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!!!"

What did you think he was going to say...?

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaaaaaand cut.

- Check out the site archives. They're big.
- Next update will be next Thursday. As long as I have an internet connection OR as long as I haven't forgotten to get someone else to put it up...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell you he's been deducting your HECS repayments when all along he hasn't. You wont find out until tax time which will be just fucking great because suddenly you'll need to find $2300 to give the tax man!
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and catch you on th flip. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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