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September 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.09.24-18.40

Welcome to after all, your hair is your head suit.

This week went to shit very early in the piece after being hijacked by several uncontrollable factors. Now if that isn't a vague enough description then I don't know what is. The slightly longer version is: woe, is me. Wahhhh. The even more slightly longer version is we all spent some unplanned time away from home after the little one got sick. She's better now but casualties were sleep, this update and my birthday. I also can't remember the last time the f-ing phone rang quite this much. Jesus Christ people, don't you know I have a social secretary/GF for this? Besides boob access, isn't the only reason you stay in a relationship with someone just to field phone calls and handle social activity arrangements?

While we ponder the imperfect world let's get busy with the brand new update. It was unquestionably a struggle putting together this sonofabitch however you guys will see the quality of what you're about to enjoy doesn't reflect that. Simply put, it's superfluous, gratuitous, superabundant, warranted, residuary, chimerical plus a bunch of other words that have nothing to do with the point I'm trying to make. Check it...

A man receives the following text message from his neighbour. "I'm so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I've been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you! I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will not happen again. If you want, I will pay you for the services". The man, mad with rage, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead. A few moments later, a second text came in. "Damn auto correct! I meant for your 'wifi' not your 'WIFE'".
Outbound from Dublin, the flight was airborne approximately thirty minutes when the flight attendant nervously made the following, painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience". When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued: "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight". Her next announcement came 90 minutes later. "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. "Shut up!" she said "I'm WINNING!"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this".
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell "I hope you get better". One elderly gentleman replied "I hope you get better, too".
A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair" Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered "It's natural". The guy walked by the second girl and asked "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?" Fluffing her hair, the second girl said "It's natural". Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked "How'd you get such cool green hair?" Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said "It's natural".

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Jen Selter :-)Watching Her Use A Treadmill To Work On Her Squats Will Make You Drool - Pain In The ArtTaiwanese Artist’s Disturbing Images Explore The Manipulation And Modification Of The Female Body - Perfect RackWatch Kate Upton Get Topless And Take A Shower. What Else Needs To Be Said? - Srsly WeirdRose McGowan Makes Her Music Debut With The Seriously Bizarre And NSFW Video 'RM486' - Pretentious WankEver Heard Of A Water Sommelier? He Is Proof Snobby Fuckwits Can Waste Their Life. - Killer ClownsThese Insane & Seriously Disturbing Scare Pranksters Are Complete Nightmare Fuel - So AwesomeWatch These Drones Build A Bridge - AddictiveThe Enemy Of The Night Has Taken The Moon. The Moon Was Yours And Yours Alone. Your People Demand That You Take Back The Moon From The Insidious Night People. Their Darkness Shall Be Turned To Light And Once Again The Moon Shall Be A Lovely Holiday Destination For Your People.

AvoidBob Is In A Spot Of Bother. Somehow He Has Become Trapped In Circular Saw World. A World Designed Strictly For The Chopping Up Of Rag Dolls. It's Your Task In This Fast-Paced, Simple, And Gory Game To Help Keep Bob Alive For As Long As Possible. - Girl NextdoorAna Cheri Is The Playmate Of The Month For October 2015 And She’s Celebrating That By Getting Naked In A Garden! I Can See Why They Picked Her. She’s Top To Bottom Hot! - Hatha-nipAnne Hathaway Nipple Peek In Her Red Carpet Gown - LOVE HerKelly Brook In A 2016 Calendar At 40. She's Twice As Hot As Girls Half Her Age. - Ratchet HoShe Goes By Cocoa, China, Or Some Shit Down At The Snake Charmer Gentlemen's Club. She's A Nice Girl Working Her Way Through College And In Her Off Time She Enjoys Bath Salts And Waffle House. - Fuxake!!Holy Shit That Is A Huge Ass Cyst. It's Not A 10/10 Due To Lack Of Grossness, But It's A Contender For The Longest Drain Time. It Almost Filled A 5 Gallon Bucket. - Ginger FucktoyThis Dude Is One Lucky Bastard! - Psycho BitchCrazy Bitch Didn't Pay For Hotel And Attacks Hotel Staff - God Tier TitsThey Do Not Get Any Better. - Nail Biting!The Moment Your Life Changes Forever

Where Is Cat?Find Mr Cat in this hidden objects style game. If u do not find him he will probably starve to death - Something You And You're Entire Family Do Not Want On Their Conscience. - Pussy FartsAlthough It Can Happen In Any Position, You Have The Most Chance When You Fuck A Pussy Doggystyle. A Big Cock And A Big Gaping Pussyhole Will Also Help... - First AnalShe Records Her Face As She Tries Anal For The First Time Ever - Sarcas-mumThe Sarcasm Is Strong With This One! Mom Releases Epic Video For Her Son Who Never Calls Home - So GorgeousMaria Fowler Braless In See Through Black Blouse - Fuck SessionShe Should Have Suspected Something Was Up When He Said He Wanted To Make A Movie. - Schweet CansTopless Tessa Fowler Solving A Rubik’s Cube. There’s Pics Too And Here Are A Few Of Them. I Could Sit On The Floor And Look Up At Her Magnificent Tits All Day Long. - DepartureApparently Dad Put A Gun On The Counter And The Son Decided To "Teach Everyone A Lesson." Unfortunately The Lesson Is You Are Not Smart Enough To Make Grown Up Decisions. Now Everyone Has To Clean Up Your Brains From The Floor. - Fuckable?Pam Anderson Is In Flaunt Magazine... She’s Naked Despite Being 100, But Her Tits Are 10-15, So It Balances Out... Even If That Makes You A Sex Offender... I Mean Sex With Pam Anderson, Or Jerking Off To Her Now Is Pretty Fucking Offensive Sexually.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live". The patient asked "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied "Marry an accountant". "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No" said the doctor "but it will SEEM longer".
A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"
North America, few hundred years ago. An Indian is sitting, smokes a pipe. Breathes in, breathes out. His son comes up to him "Daddy, I have a question" "Yes, what is it?" "Why do we have such long names? Yankees, for example, have much shorter ones - John, Simon, Nicolas and similar". "Our names come from nature. When your mother was born, there was a wonderful dew, so that is why she is called Fresh Dew. When your sister was born, there was a brilliant sunset. So that why she got the name Red Sunset. So, do you have any more questions, Fucking Bison?"
George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max, the bald man who had cleaned him out. As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically "Your head feels just like my wife's arse". Max put a hand to his head and said "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"


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It's probaably safe to say after the dust has settled, most of these PR screw-ups will have resulted in a firing for whichever dumb-dumb caused the butthurt. And rightfully so in most of them... except the Susan Boyle one below. That shit is still hilarious. Check 'em...

-US Airways was forced to apologise to customers after it responded to complaints on its official Twitter page with a pornographic image. Namely a model Boeing 777 being inserted into a woman's vagina. When a customer complained about the airline ruining her spring break, the airline replied: "We don't like to hear this, Alex. Please provide feedback to our Customer Relations team here" with a link to the image.

-Abercrombie and Fitch made the mistake of insulting their market when they attacked a Jersey Shore star. Basically they begged Jersey Shore star "The Situation" to stop wearing their clothes - the brand thought that insulting one of the most famous icons of their biggest fan base was a good idea. Why? The frat boys, party girls, and general MTV generation that love their products is not the market Abercrombie & Fitch want. Of course it turned out to be a huge PR disaster and their stock fell 15% as a result.

-Banking giant J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. received some Twitter pain after asking followers to send questions to an executive using the hashtag #askJPM. The idea was to give college students rare access to a senior exec, but instead drew over 6000 shit stirring tweets. People asked things like "Can I have my house back?" and "Is it true 'JPM stands for 'Just Pay More'?'' before JPM shut it down.

-Twitter CFO Anthony Noto slipped up one time and tweeted a message that was probably meant to be a private direct message. The tweet, which was quickly deleted, read: "I still think we should buy them. He is on your schedule for Dec 15 or 16--we will need to sell him. i have a plan". The message is thought to have been referring to Twitter's plans to acquire the selfie app: Shots.

-During one of the presidential debates, KitchenAid tweeted to its 24,000 fans that 'Obamas gma even knew it was going 2 b bad! She died 3 days b4 he became president'. KitchenAid quickly deleted the tweet an apologised, blaming an employee.

-Releasing a burger inspired by the tastes of a particular continent isn't a bad idea in itself, unless of course 12 million people are starving in that continent. That's exactly what was happening in 2002 when McDonald's unveiled the McAfrika in Norway, one of the world's richest countries. Aid agencies said it was "insensitive, crass and ill-considered" to use Africa as a marketing tool for fast food at a time when countries like Malawi and Zimbabwe were suffering one of the biggest humanitarian disasters in history.

-In a tweet about College Game Day, the home improvement retailer Home Depot tweeted a picture of two African-American men drumming alongside another man in an ape costume with the caption "Which drummer is not like the others?" To make matters worse, Home Depot blamed the agency employed to handle their social media, which drew even more criticism for attempting to pass the blame.

-In 2007, there was a bomb scare in Boston after strange LED placards popped up around the city. Police took the threat seriously as they tried to make sense of what they were dealing with. Turns out the whole thing was a promotion for the upcoming "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" film. Boston police were mocked after this farce making it one of the only cases in which the people staging the stunt and the people reacting to it suffered a public relations disaster.

-To celebrate becoming the first NFL team to reach 1 million Twitter followers, the New England Patriots set up an automated system to thank its fans and emblazon the back of a Patriots' jersey with the fans' Twitter handles. Unfortunately, there were no filters on the system, and the Patriots accidently tweeted out a digital pic of a jersey that read @IHATENIGGERS across the back.

-The New York City hotel had a policy of fining wedding guests $500 for negative social media posts and online reviews - that is, until the public found out, at which point the hotel claimed it was all a joke.

-The BP off shore oil spill was the biggest in US history. The event itself was made far worse by the way BP handled the crisis. BP's lack of apparent empathy and compassion was personified beautifully by the then CEO who said in an interview "I'd like my life back" evoking a huge public backlash.

-What could be scarier than someone with mental health issues? That was the 'logic' behind Tesco and Asda stocking frightening "Mental Patient Costumes" in time for Halloween in 2013. The costume itself was a bit of fun, but its description was deemed outrageous since it stigmatised a section of society already facing prejudice. The costumes were quickly pulled by the supermarket giants.

-Hurricane Sandy trashed the north-eastern United States - people were killed, homes were lost, and thousands were left without power. Surely no one would try to take advantage of such a disaster right...? Wrong. American Apparel did. The clothing company thought this was an opportune time to launch a promo and even used the hashtag #sandysale. Then they sent out an email to customers saying "In case you're bored during the storm..."

-After videos of NFL star Ray Rice physically abusing his wife surfaced, many women chose to tweet their own stories with the hashtag #WhyIStayed. Unfortunately, frozen pizza maker DiGiorno failed to check what it was all about and tweeted "#WhyIStayed You had pizza". The inappropriate tweet was deleted as a backlash erupted and the company apologised claiming it didn't know what the hashtag was about before tweeting.

-A PR firm representing MasterCard tried requiring journalists to mention the credit card company on social media in exchange for official press credentials for the Brit Awards. The journalists were instructed to use the hashtag #PricelessSurprises along with prewritten tweets. They did so, but not exactly how MasterCard had hoped - journalists made public the emails stipulating conditions and everything went pear shaped from there.

-When advertising agency Ogilvy created a cartoon of Malala Yousafzai for a mattress advertising campaign they quite figuratively shot themselves in the foot. The poster campaign showed the young school girl being shot in the face by the Taliban, falling onto the mattress and then returning to health under the slogan "bounce back".

-A hoodie that was briefly for sale on the Urban Outfitters website featured the Kent State University logo amidst fake blood splatter. In 1970, National Guard troops were sent to Kent State in response to student protests and opened fire on them. Four students were killed and 9 injured. Urban Outfitters pulled the hoodie and apologised but not before the internets got in a few zingers.

-In 2009, New Yorkers shat their pants when a large plane flew low in the airspace near Ground Zero. People's thoughts instantly flicked to 9/11. It soon emerged that it was just a Department of Defense photo op and the plane was Air Force One. The Department of Defense said it had notified authorities beforehand but it seems that they didn't bother to clear it with the right people.

-Sometiumes when Twitter promotions fail they fail on an epic scale. During a campaign for British singing superstar Susan Boyle, no one in her PR company noticed that the hashtag #susanalbumparty had a somewhat racier meaning than intended. Boyle's PR team soon found that their catchy hashtag had gone horribly wrong and rushed to start promoting #SusanBoylesAlbumParty instead but the lulz were by then irreversible.

-A video featuring two Dominos employees doing disgusting things to pizzas they were sending out had almost one million hits on YouTube, proving extremely damaging for the brand. The pranksters posted five video clips in total that quickly spread through social media. Following the incident Dominos shut the store to sanitize the operation and the two employees were fired. However, they were criticised for not issuing an immediate statement. Dominos later stated this was because they were concerned with more people watching the clip.


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A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.

The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick.

Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the corridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.

At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval.

Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.

"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried. The doctor replied: "I'm just fucking with you! It was stillborn".


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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:

-2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
-2 French men and 1 French woman
-2 German men and 1 German woman
-2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
-2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
-2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
-2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
-2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
-2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
-2 American mean and 1 American woman
-2 English men and 1 English woman
-2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
-The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
-The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
-The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
-The two Polish men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Polish woman, and started swimming.
-The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo, and are awaiting instructions.
-The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
-The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
-Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Kiwi woman is trying to root the Aussie guys.
-The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
-The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
-The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.


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-Looking for a job? How about a Rimjob? You would think Research In Motion, makers of Blackberry, would be a company that prides itself on all thing tech. That was not the case: they chose to tweet about their job openings with the hashtag #rimjobs. It was an innocent mistake, since the company's initials are RIM but it seems that they're either very sloppy, very funny, or very innocent.

-The Federal Student Aid organisation was aiming to light-heartedly remind students to fill out aid forms by tweeting a picture of Kristin Wigg from the movie Bridesmaids with the caption "Help me. I'm poor". They instead pissed off thousands of students who took to social media to decry the agency's callousness.

-This crafts and trinkets store in Minnesota store decided to jump in and commemorate Martin Luther King Day on its Facebook page by offering "25 percent off everything black". Unsurprisingly, it was poorly received.

-Ghettopoly was a parody of Monopoly launched in 2003 that received heavy criticism for being offensive and racist. The game was pulled from the market by retailer Urban Outfitters and the maker was later ordered to pay $400k in damages.

-Fashion retailer Zara faced outrage when it began selling a set of child's pyjamas resembling a concentration camp uniform, complete with a yellow Star of David. The company, which claims the inspiration for the shirt lies in American Westerns, issued an apology and took the item out of circulation.

-Clothing company, Kenneth Cole, thought that the riots and protests in Egypt were a great time to promote its new line. Kenneth himself tweeted "uproar in #Cairo". "must have been rioting because they heard our new spring collection is available online".

-To celebrate July 4, American Apparel used its Tumblr page to post a picture of the space shuttle Challenger exploding. After receiving lots of negative feedback, the company apologised, saying that the social media manager was born after the Challenger disaster and didn't realise what the picture was.

-In early 2010 Greenpeace launched a campaign highlighting Nestle's palm oil sourcing practices, rolling out a Take a Break viral ad campaign featuring an office worker gnawing on an Orangutan's finger instead of a Kit Kat Bar. The tag line was Kit Kat Killer. Nestle's Facebook page was overrun with people begging Nestle to stop using palm oil and killing the orangutans. Nestle deleted the comments and posted: "To repeat: we welcome your comments, but don't post using an altered version of any of our logos as your profile pic - they will be deleted" This led to a further barrage of criticism. Weeks later Nestle announced it would stop sourcing unsustainable palm oil.

-Cutting costs is never easy but blaming a reduction in employee health care benefits on an employees' sickly newborn children is always going to look bad... especially when the company is AOL. The company's CEO attempted to explain why the company was reducing benefits, blaming the high costs from the previous year on "two AOLers that had distressed babies".

-After the mass shooting at a showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" in Aurora, Colorado, #Aurora became a trending topic on Twitter. The guy running the Twitter account for retailer Celeb Boutique only saw that Aurora was trending, and did not think to check why. He sent out a tweet saying that Aurora must be trending because of a Kim Kardashian dress called Aurora. The tweet stayed up for an hour before someone finally read the news.

-The NYPD's attempt to revamp its image by inviting Twitter users to post pics of them in action massively backfired as users took the opportunity to respond with hundreds of examples of police brutality.

-A billboard blunder by Esurance promising to "cover your home in a click" caused a headache when the ad went up. From a distance, the spacing between letters caused the word 'click' to look a lot more provocative than intended. Twitter users were quick to point out the mishap to Esurance, who quickly took evasive action.

-Smucker's came under fire for its stance against labelling genetically modified organisms (GMOs). As is the modern way, people took to the companies Facebook page to complain. In response, Smucker's began deleting negative the comments which made the situation far worse.

-Tobacco giant Phillip Morris ran a survey to counter the Czech government's argument that the financial cost of smoking outweighed the benefits. The results of their survey suggested that smokers' deaths had "positive effects" on the Czech economy - a net gain of around $147 million which was made up of savings in health-care, pension and public-housing costs due to the early deaths of smokers. The company faced a huge backlash and subsequently cancelled plans to launch similar studies in other countries.

-What's worse than being forced to listen to a band you hate? Having it downloaded without your knowledge to your iTunes library. Apple did just that with its 2014 product launch. Half a billion iTunes users woke up to find a brand new U2 album in their library downloaded without their consent.

-Qantas was shocked after posting a seemingly innocent tweet: "What is your dream luxury inflight experience? (Be creative!) Answer must include #QantasLuxury". Social media and previously scorned passengers pounced on the opportunity to respond with brutal sarcasm: "#Qantasluxury was being abandoned at Heathrow for 4 days in the snow with no customer support while trying to get home to 8mo pregnant wife!" and "#QantasLuxury is dressing your staff in t-shirts that say 'We're Sorry' and believing that makes up for missing a friends funeral". The poorly thought out PR campaign came a day after the airline and its unions broke off contract negotiations and the Qantas fleet was grounded, stranding thousands of angry customers.

-LG tried to make fun of Apple's new bendable iPhone by tweeting from the LG France account that "Our smartphones don't bend, they are naturally curved ;)". Any other day that wouldn't have been a problem except he tweet was sent from an iPhone.

-Movie posters are supposed to capture attention and the poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 5 definitely did. The Australian edition with its September 11 release date featured all four characters leaping from what appears to be an exploding skyscraper.

-An Uber executive suggested using the company's customer data to dig up dirt on long-time tech reporter, Sarah Lacy, who is known for being critical of the start-up. The app contains personal data from its subscribers, including credit card numbers and geographical ride data, which could include home addresses and daily routines.

-McDonald's launched a promoted hashtag, #McDStories asking Twitter users to share their stories about the fast-food giant. The conversation quickly veered off course, when people used the hashtag to bash the company. Critics called the incident a "McFail".


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There was a wealthy Jew (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments - first R & D, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.

Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard. As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails".

The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.

One week later the son again exclaimed that he was finished, and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:

"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"


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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Do not worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you".

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs is her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest". "Do not worry, Maria" says the mother "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs is her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Do not worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you".

So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


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I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well-groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have". "Thank you, sir" she said "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered.

"My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing". "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered.

"By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?" "Because he fucks pigs!"


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A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and Announced "I have to take your temperature". After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "Well, I'm sorry, the nurse Stated" but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer".

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce" I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back! "She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers "What's the matter, Doc? Have not you ever seen someone having taken their temperature before? "After a pause, the doctor replies" Yes, but never with a daffodil! "


And that's me done, dudes.


-Check out the site archives. Orsm turned 15 this month and every god damn update stretching back to 2000 can be found there.
-Next update will be next Thursday or so they tell me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you tongue his filthy balls.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lap. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.09.17-19.30

Welcome to just turn the baby monitor off and the crying will stop...

Hi there. Now we have that out of the way I'm going to skip straight to a rundown of all things me. This has more to do with avoiding faffing around than vanity. Am running way behind schedule, am hungry and have stuff to do so...

Highlight of last weekend was by far the football. First round of the finals and we were lucky to not only have a home final [ie. played here] but to get tickets as well. And seriously what a fucking awesome game it was - 40-something thousand screaming fans, great football and nothing quite like seeing your team dominate last year's premiership winners either. Seemed everyone was happy the rain didn't eventuate too... well not until the final siren sounded which must've been a message to clouds to release a torrential downpour not seen since Noah did his thing and ensured total sog long before making it back to the car.

Don't think I left the house at all on Saturday. It was still wet and no need to. Started with a tidy up. There's nothing unremarkable about how quickly a 1-year-old can wreck the joint and only so long I can handle living in squalor. After therefore because of. Managed to segue that into a few hours in front of the PC working on this very update before parking in front of the TV to watch the next significant football match - this game was the other local team in their first final. Happy to see the Perth teams go 2 for 2 but nowhere near as convincing a win so hoping if/when West Coast and Fremantle meet in the grand it will be a West Coast demolition.

Sunday was equally as low key but did manage to escape the house. Got an early start to acquire vegetables before returning home to do the motherload soup cook-up. Enough to keep me in healthy meals for a few weeks anyway. The weather was practically perfect come afternoon so grabbed some stuff and went for an impromptu picnic in the park. Hard to really fault the experience... except another one of those lessons you learn the hard way. When kids interact and play on the same equipment is when they pass on nasty shit to each other. Make it a busy park and the nasty shit factor increases like whoa. Long story short - one of those dirty little fucks gave us conjunctivitis.

Moving on. I mostly avoid talking politics these days. There's good reason for that - no one ever agrees with anyone and it's not what any of us is here for. That said, I cannot resist running my words across the past week's events because *facepalm*. If you weren't watching, baaaasically what happened is Australia's unpopular Prime Minister was challenged by a member of his own political party for the leadership; for his job. That meant all the members of that party took a vote to decide if the PM stays or goes. All happened quite quickly too. A challenge is announced, then that night they did the vote and hey presto we have a new leader ready to be sworn in the next day. We now have the fifth PM in less than 5 years yet there's only been 1 election in that time. Why do we even bother voting?

As always the fuckwit media are almost entirely to blame. For months there's been speculation about the opposition leader losing his job, the Treasurer losing his job and the PM. Each week they choose someone and talk replacement. They're bound to be successful eventually right? What I loved so much about having a new guy in charge though wasn't that he's better/smarter/nicer/prettier/whatever... its that the same night, literally in the minutes after the challenge had been successful, political commentators were already discussing who would or could replace him and when that might be. Unbelievable. Meanwhile no one else gives a fuck.

Okay that about does it with the paragraphs. Grab your rubber gloves and a sock and get ready to chow down on a brand new update from what the Queen of England recently confessed "the only website I rub my pussy to". Check it...

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Burning ManThere's Way More Weird Shit Going On At Burning Man Than You Realised. - She Got CoreThe Art of Pole-Dancing: Gravity-Defying Dancer Amanda G Displays Some Super Human Strength - DouchebagsThere Are Just Regular, Good People Who Drive These, Right? - Awesome-gasmFrom Fantasy To Reality – Gran Turismo Bugatti Concept Car Actually Exists—And It’s Ridiculous - LOL Suck ItBe Careful Who You Challenge To A Race - Lucky Bro!It’s Spider Vs. Frog In A Battle Of The Species—But It Doesn’t End The Way You Might Think - FascinatingYou’ll Never Guess How Many Cities Vancouver Plays In Movies - SO AddictiveYou Have To Steadily Upgrade And Enlarge Your Space Ship So That You May Travel Further And Deeper Into Space. This Will Require The Collection Of Diamond Thingies In Space As You Destroy The Enemy Ships You Encounter Along The Way. - BombedHave You Ever Seen A Comedian Bomb This Hard?

Last SamuraiOkay This Game Is A Bit Weird. Ur Supposed To Be Playing A Samurai, But In Reality U Look Like A Ninja, Out To Kill All The Emperor's Men And To Steal All The Sacred Scrolls. Maybe Ur A Ninja-Samurai... That Might Make More Sense. - Busting OutNicki Minaj Areola Peek At The Fashion Show - PerfectionChristina Hendricks And Her Giant Boobs Is Proof That God Exists. - Aussie HottieAlice Exx And Her Heart Shaped Nipples. Brought To You By Australia. - Whoaaaa!Here's The CCTV Footage Of That Mecca Crane Collapsing. Shockingly Brutal End To More Than 100 Unsuspecting People. - Party GirlBodybuilder Takes A Blonde Party Girl Back To His Place For Some Sex Fun. He Fucks Her Pussy Real Good In Missionary Position, Pulls Out And Shoots A Load On Her Tight Belly. - Best PainalBy Definition All Painal Is The Best Painal So A Painal Compilation Must Be Up There With The Greatest Things Ever. - Slut JusticeTwo Mexican Hookers Beat The Fuck Out Of This Man Who Refused To Pay - Assault FailCumming On A Complete Stranger, Who Doesn't Want That? Although Its Exciting You Still Need The Balls To Do This And You Don't Want To Get Caught. Next To That You Cant Cum On Command, Sometimes It Takes A Little Bit Longer...

Kissy SquareAll It Takes Is A Click... And Then Another... Either Way Its Unlikely You'll Get Very Far With Your Skillz. - Horse FuckerThese Porn Producers, Always So Preoccupied With If They Could, But Never Stopping To Wonder If They Should. I Can't Even Imagine How Awkward This Scene Must Of Been To Film For Everyone Involved. - St00pidStupid Fucks Strap A Boy Into A Parachute And Attach It To A Tree... During A Hurricane!! - Cum TargetShe Seemed Eager To Receive The Goo, But When It Hit Her Lips Her Face Says It All... - Nympho NurseI'd Purposely Get Hurt If I Knew This Cock Sucking Hotty Was Gonna Be My Nurse - Drug AddictCrack Is Wack Of Course, But Flakka Makes You Do Some Crazy Fucking Shit Right There. This Dude Is Wigging The Fuck Out. I Think He Is Going To Be Pulling His Dick Off In A Few Minutes. - Great TitsRhian Sugden Is A Glamour Model... And Nothing Says Fun Like Half Naked Busty Glamour Models... - Smoking BodDevin Brugman And Her Buddy Natasha Oakley Are Hanging Out In Bikinis At A Beach In Miami! Awesome As Always And Devin’s Pokies Are Back!! - Looks RoughLindsay Lohan Areola Peek In The Surf

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot". Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf". Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'M FUCKING NUTS!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it". "Very good, Lisa" replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully" he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny "Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened and they'll instantly start celebrating. They have no idea what the context is, they're just always ready to party.


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Hard to say how many of these are true, made up or somewhere in between but either way there are absolutely none that are appealing... except maybe the death by chocolate. Nom.

-Christmas 2002, a bartender was out drinking with friends. As they all walked home they got into a fight with each other. Witnesses said they saw one man throw the other down an open manhole. The drop was 18 feet. At the bottom was a pool of boiling water from a broken main. The victim didn't die instantly either. As emergency arrived, he was standing below screaming for help but with the water literally boiling and a huge amount of steam, paramedics or firefighters were unable to climb down. His body was recovered Four hours later. Its temperature was higher than medical thermometers can read. The medical examiner stated it looked like the body had been steamed like a lobster. His entire outer layer of skin had peeled off, and his internal organs were literally cooked. He otherwise had no broken bones and no head trauma, which meant he was fully conscious as he boiled to death.

-In a tragic case of bad luck, two college students spending a night outdoors were killed in the collapse of their snow cave. The freshmen on spring break at a ski resort from were found buried in the collapsed cave by friends. To save money the avid outdoorsmen had dug a cave at the edge of their parking lot while the rest of their group spent the night in cars, campers, and a motel. The tragedy was caused when a bucket-loader dumped snow directly on top of the cave. Crews from the ski resort had been trying to clear the area for more parking spaces.

-A Russian woman had been wrongly declared deceased by doctors after being taken to hospital. The horrified 49-year-old began screaming when she realised they were getting ready to bury her. She was rushed back to the hospital, where doctors had declared her dead from a suspected heart attack.

-A circus act in Romania ended in tragedy when the fire-eater performer belched mid-performance and was blown to bits. He must have swallowed some of the liquid which when he burped, triggered an explosion. Incredibly no one came to his rescue as stunned onlookers assumed this was part of his act. Consequently this unfortunate man, who probably could have been saved, was left there to die.

-A Nebraska woman died after a 75-foot Taco Bell sign fell on top of thes truck cab she was in. The pole broke in strong winds and fell right on top of the pickup. She had been waiting to meet a Wyoming couple to sell them some dogs.

-A Bangladeshi man once caught a cobra on and started playing with it. As you do. The snake of course bit him on the hand and he retaliated by biting the snake's head. Sure enough he died in hospital the next day. The snake also died.

-During a gun safety class at a gun range, a participant shot himself in the head in front of more than a dozen people, including children. Witnesses said the man had appeared 'deflated' during the class and apart from shooting himself, he never spoke to anyone or raised his hand to ask questions.

-A French zoo director was crushed to death by a frightened hippopotamus. He was cycling around the park in when the 7-year-old male hippo, charged through an electrified fence after an employee driving a tractor spooked it. The man, aged in his 60's, had trained the hippo. Posters for the zoo even featured a picture of the hippo with the trainers head in his mouth. Investigators concluded the animal had fled to him for protection.

-A 76-year-old man was killed when the ambulance stretcher he was strapped to rolled down a grade and overturned. The ambulance attendants, while speaking to a doctor's staff, had left the stretcher unattended. The man suffered a head injury and died a short time later. He was being transported from a nursing home to a doctor's office for an appointment.

-A 41-year-old Detroit man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Unable to remove his head, the man drowned when the continuous downfall eventually raised the water level in the sewer.

-A bride fell to her death in the Ouareau River, north of Montreal. She was standing in about 15 to 30 centimetres of water while a photographer was taking her picture. A witness said her dress got heavy from soaking up water and the woman asked for help getting out of the river. The photographer and his assistant were unable to lift her out and the woman was soon swept away by and taken under water. Police found her body four hours later. The woman had been married for a few months and was doing a 'trash the dress' photoshoot.

-A German couple in their 50's took their old car to a scrap yard. They parked, completed the paperwork, but got back in the car to shelter from a sudden squall of rain. Meanwhile the crane operator was told to process the car and did so without realising the couple were sitting inside. The car was grabbed by the crane's steel claws and dropped in the crusher, which normally reduces cars to a small cube. It was stopped when the crane driver heard the woman's screams, but it was too late to save her husband.

-A suicidal woman who jumped from an eighth floor window crushed a passer-by to death in a horrific accident. The Barcelona woman hurled herself from a balcony and landed on top of a 50-year-old pedestrian who was walking below. The jumper died instantly and the man died in hospital shortly afterwards from his injuries.

-Stag party attendees were curious when a stripper failed to jump out of a huge cake. Assuming she was no longer in there, they received a nasty surprise when they found her dead inside it. The 23-year-old had suffocated after waiting for an hour inside the sealed cake.


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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

SHWOOOOP! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent... then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender shakes his head in dismay.

SHWOOOOP! SHWOOOOP! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

SHWOOOOP! SHWOOOOP! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "That boy should have quit while he was a head".


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A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the diner attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.

Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.

He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

The leper is a little taken aback "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave".

"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry". And so he hunches further over his meal.

But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.

"For the love of all that's holy!"

"Okay, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am".

"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise".

But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.

"The baby Jesus sucking cock!" "Right, that's it". The leper gets up to leave.

"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"

CAMEL TOE & pervage... that's why we watch women's sport right?

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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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-A 35-year-old clergyman used a .357 Magnum revolver loaded with one blank round to dramatise his sermon before a packed congregation at in Jacksonville, Florida. He illustrated each of the seven deadly sins by playing Russian roulette, spinning the chamber and holding the gun to his head. After one spin, the gun fired and the cardboard wadding in the blank pierced his temple, inflicting a fatal brain injury. He was eventually rushed to hospital where he died five days later.

-A man's family was awarded $3 million in damages after he died during a threesome with a woman who was not his wife and a male friend. The decision was against his cardiologist who had failed to inform him that overexerting himself was unsafe. They family previously sought $5 million but it was determined that he was 40 percent responsible for his own death.

-A German man jumped to his death from the Cairo Tower in Egypt to demonstrate to his friend his Pharaonic belief that the dead return to life. A student of Egyptology, the study of ancient Egyptian history, had told her he was a "spiritual psychiatrist" who believed the Giza pyramids provided spiritual energy to enable believers to transcend humanity.

-A chocolate factory employee in Camden, New Jersey, was loading chunks of raw chocolate, when he fell into a large melting tank filled with 50°C of Hershey's goodness and was knocked out by one of the mixing paddles. He was trapped in the melting tank for 10 minutes before rescuers were able to extract him. He was declared dead a short time later. This is how I want to die.

-A colonel and electronics engineer in the Ivory Coast army was fatally wounded by gunfire as he tested a "magic" belt supposedly with powers to protect him from bullets. He died on the spot after being hit by a bullet fired from his own service pistol by a 20-year-old son of the magic belt's maker. The colonel's cousin who made the belt insisted that its protective powers were real, provided one abstained from sex while wearing it.

-A West Virginia Pentecostal was bitten on the thigh when he sat next to a rattlesnake during an outdoor service in a park. He was taken to a relative's home to recover, but was rushed later to a local hospital where he was declared dead. The man believed that the Bible requires Christians to handle poisonous snakes to test their faith in God and to remain steadfast in their belief that they will not be bitten or will be healed if they are attacked.

-According to police, an ROTC cadet was fatally stabbed to death by a fellow cadet in a tragic accident. In a case of very poor judgment, the cadet died when he dared his roommate to stab him in an attempt to prove that a knife could not penetrate the Kevlar flak vest he'd just purchased from a mail-order catalogue. According to the catalogue, the flak jacket guaranteed complete safety from bullets, knives, and hand grenade fragments.

-A flight attendant was sucked out of an airliner when the bulkhead tore off mid-flight. The Boeing 737-297 suffered extensive damage after an explosive decompression but was able to land safely in Maui. The only fatality was the chief flight attendant who was standing collecting drink cups from passengers.

-An Australian man and female friend got a little bit drunk before finding themselves a little bit frisky and deciding a sexual romp in the sea was in order. At one point the woman went underwater presumably pleasure the man. He became excited, put his hands on her head and kept her submerged. The man later told police that when the woman stopped sucking, he wondered what was going on, so he let her up. She had not tried to get up and wasn't kicking or splashing. When he realised she was dead, he freaked out, dressed and drove away. He was arrested two days later.

-A distraught 77-year-old whose wife had recently died, was only a few feet away from his own tombstone which was engraved with his name and date of birth in a family burial plot. When he was found by the police totally out of his mind, he instantly pointed a loaded gun at a deputy. The officer urged him to put down the gun but he still aimed and was fatally shot.

-A grumpy 60-year-old dad fired a pistol at his 26-year-old son for standing in front of the TV during a Holiday Bowl football game between the University of Missouri and Colorado State. He missed but the son grabbed the pistol and began beating his father until the gun broke apart. Dad then got a shotgun from a cupboard and fired twice into his son, killing him.

-A man died after slipping a nitrous oxide filled condom over his head. They 31-year-old was discovered naked on his bed alongside three empty canisters he used to blow up the contraceptive. The cause of death was listed as asphyxiation.

-Two Los Angeles brothers decided to remove a bee's nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple grenade... aka a powerful and illegal firecracker. They ignited the fuse and raced into the house to watch a window some 10 feet away from the hive. The explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating one of the brothers. Realising stitches were required, they headed out to go to hospital but while walking towards their car, the already inured man was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to them, he was allergic to bee venom, and died on the way to the hospital.

-An 18-year-old Bolivian picked a bizarre and gruesome way to commit suicide, police say. The intoxicated teen jumped out of his canoe into a stretch of river infested with piranhas and bled to death after suffering dozens of bites. Police believe the death was suicide because the teen was a fisherman who knew the river well and was aware that it was swarming with the flesh-eating fish.

-A 25-year-old man died on after being struck on the head by a woman's outstretched foot as she whizzed by on a roller coaster at Paramount's Great America Theme Park. He jumped over a fence into a restricted area to retrieve a hat blown off his wife's head while she was riding "Top Gun". A woman 'accidentally' kicked the man when her car passed him and was treated for leg injuries.

-An amusement park operator was killed when his hair and arm got caught on a roller coaster car, pulling him up as high as 12 metres before he fell, back-first, onto a fence. The worker was spraying lubricant on the tracks when his long hair got caught on a passing car. He was scalped before falling and landing on the fence.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. 

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Alberta son" the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car".

"I'm sorry officer" the driver said "I'm not from around here".

The cop runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true" replied the cop. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type" the cop says "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"


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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".


The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams".


The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women".


The Arab is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.


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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course" comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland" replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland". "Of Course" replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen" comes the reply. "I can't believe it" says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen". "Of course!" replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Andrews" replies the second man. "I graduated in '02". "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '02, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much" replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again".


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It's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker.

They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion.

Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upstairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him.

One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs.

Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!"

Jesus: "Yeah, I know".

Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!"

Jesus: "I know".

Disciple: "So what's up?"

Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her puss".

Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?"

Jesus: "It healed".


Okay so... while I have you...

-Check out the site archives. It's where all the cool 'underground' stuff is, man.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Yay for that.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will prison rape you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and (don't) be nice to (black) people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.09.10-20.17

Welcome to I know you are, I said you are, but what am I?

What an utterly chaotic week. Started to realise Sunday that things were shaping up that way and began efforts to cushion the blow. The biggest killer has been daycare. Not actually looking after the kid, just being the guy who does delivery of kid to place of daytime imprisonment. For a number of reasons, none of which are interesting enough to explain, daycare is by itself a 45+ minute roundtrip through peak hour. It kills any opportunity to exercise and as we all know, the more you exercise the more energetic you are. The opposite is true also. I've never understood how that works but I did end up running an adult website after all. The point is I could do with some surplus energy at the mo. Anyway as I was saying - there's been 3 drop-offs and a pickup. Mixed in was a Father's Day thing where all the dads go along for breakfast... well not quite. Of the 10 or so rug rats only 4 dads showed up. Tied in with the chauffeuring have been a bunch [read: crapload] of other demands from "loved ones". Just random errands, some perhaps trivial, that I perhaps foolishly agreed to perhaps without considering the consequences.

Then there was the "Dude it'll only take you like 5 seconds " request to help a cousin with their business website. And that's all it took... if you don't include the time spent tracking down logins no one knew, or the time to make a backup of site files which triggered the webhosts scanners to detect malicious code which caused them to send an obnoxious, accusatory email about violating the T&C. The infected files were already there though - why didn't they detect them before a backup? Again I digress... before anyone knew it there was another however many hours snatched away. The upshot is the website now has correct contact details...

That's just a slice of the past 4 days. Shit has basically just gone on like that and I'm completely okay with it because there's nothing that's actually bad going on or happening - I'm just being stretched very thinly.

The weekend was more slightly more relaxed. Kicked off Saturday with an adjustment of the chiropractic variety then hit a nearby café for overpriced coffee. We sat near a table with some women and a similarly aged kid to ours. Eventually got chatting and the mum started joking about our kids one day getting married. Little bit weird no? ... and can't help but wonder what the reaction would be if me, a guy, sat down next to strangers and started saying I want my kid to marry theirs.

After dropping appendages at home I went shoe shopping. All my casual footwear is borderline unwearable in public so have been looking for something that 1) fits my U.S. 13 foot 2) provides lots of support 3) fits my orthotics 4) is ridiculously comfortable 5) doesn't look like I bashed a homo and stole his shoes. In other words - more or less the same criteria everyone in the world uses when buying shoes. After half an hour and being called "hun", "darl" and "love" way too many times by the quite-a-bit-younger-than-me sales assistant, I found something that ticked all boxes... except for the colour. Incredibly, the assistant recommended I check a competitor. So I did. Rang around and located them northward so decided to combine the journey with a motherly visit. By the time that was done I'd changed my mind again and headed back to the original store to buy them. Turns out if you are cool to your customers they'll want to spend money in your store. Also, if you're thinking "Fuck this guy is a retard" then I'm right with ya.

Scored free tickets to the football that night. West Coast vs St. Kilda and it was an absolute obliteration so kind of boring but good to spend some time catching up with a mate. Speaking of the football... the finals start tomorrow and have managed to get my hands on some [almost] front row seats. Would like to take this opportunity to tell my friends and fam and anyone else who missed out: suck shit.

Sunday was my second Father's Day and a clear indication that expressing what I want to do would make it a better day whereas leaving for others to decide is not the approach which gets me the praise and attention I so truly deserve. After punching out some coastal exercise we returned home and I cooked breakfast. Then, whilst the GF and child took a nap, I did the dishes. The extended fam eventually arrived. We all jumped in the car, I drove. We stopped to grab lunch, I paid. Destination was the zoo which was free for dads. Sweet. Others who thought it sweet was every unemployed, probably criminal, neck tattooed meth user in Perth. Despite the fact you had to closely watch personal belongings [seriously] it was a nice day out - great atmosphere, tasty mums everywhere and QT with the fam. Home by mid-afternoon and sat down to get stuck into this update which would never have happened otherwise. And that was about it.

Albright now would be a good time to get moving with the update. It's chock-full of so much cool shit that some people run the risk of injuring their cocks. Check it... carefully...

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AwesomenessInsane Dance Club Scene Movie Mashup - Train For MarsMission To Mars: Björn Borg’s Latest Sportswear Range Is Perfect For Astronauts In Training - So BustedPolitician Caught On Hidden Camera Urinating Into Homeowner's Coffee Mug - Artist LSDArtist On LSD Draws Self-Portraits Over 9 Hour Trip Showing The Hallucinogenic Drug’s Effects - Pixel ToiletThe Toilet Is About To Be Transformed Into An Object Of Legend, A Traveling Device Never Before Seen. You're About To Launch Your Way Into The Toilet History Books. - Brain TricksHow Your Brain Tricks Itself - ImpressiveCheck Out The Massive Apple Campus Under Construction - Lia Slip!Lia Marie Johnson Nipslip From Her Bikini Top - Go FigureFantastic Set Of A Naked Peach Aka Renata By The Window.

Stick SquadStick Squad Is Back In Business, Shooting Enemies And Tracking Down A New Menace! 4th Episode In This Awesome Stick Sniper Series. - Fantasy BodHer Name Is Alexendra Steele, Probably Not Her Real Name, But Who Needs Real Anything, When The Girl Involved Is A Serious Fucking Fantasy….Girls Just Don’t Look Like This... Sex Dolls Don’t Even Look Like This! - What The...?How Hard Up For Cash Do You Have To Be For Someone To Drop A Steamer On Your Chest? It's Like That Guy Was Holding In He Poop Like A Champ To Shit On The Guy's Chest. Was There Extra Money For Clean-Up. - Extreme LezBehind the scenes of a classy title like "Lesbian Bukkake #8" isn't anything like you could imagine. Ever Wonder What It's Like Behind The Scenes? Probably Not, But Sometimes These Thots Fail In Epic Fashion And It's Hilarious. - Gorgeous TeenAmazing Teenager Gets Railed - Legs 11Statuesque Model Lauren Williams Is Making High Strides - As The Woman With The Longest Legs In America Measuring A Whopping 49 Inches. - Anal SlutsIt Takes A Brave Woman To Be Impaled By 2 Cocks At Once. And These Cock Loving Nymphos Show How It's Done. - Race CardJudge Shuts Down Stupid Lawyer After He Attempts To Play The Race Card - UnblowableIt's Not Completely Fair To Say She Fails Because Any Girl Would Fail Trying To Suck Off This Thing - It's Just A Fat Deformed Piece Of Meat With On The Top Something That Looks Like A Dickhead.

Big Bad ApeFeeling Like Venting? This Is The Game For You - Go On A Rampage And Destroy Everything And Everyone In Sight. It's A Carnage Action Game So Get Ready For Some Senseless Violence! - HJ LessonTeen Watches A Tutorial On How To Give A Handjob And Masters It In Minutes. - Rough SexI Like Rough Sex But This Is Kinda Scary. - This Is ArtArtist Loses Her Shit And Smashes Her Own Painting After Getting A Bad Review. - Porn-toonsTake One Part Anime, One Part Pornography, One Part Mortal Kombat And You End Up With A Hilarious Show About Ninja School Girls Sexually Manslaughtering Perverted Villains Around Campus. - Beer & GunsWhy Would You Give A Guy In His Underwear A Gun? He's Wasted, And Already In His Undies, No Reason To Give Him Something He Could Kill People With. But The Outcome Was Awesome - MasturbatingMiley, Kim And Others Masturbate On Facetime For Interview’s #Me September Issue - PlayBoobsBusty Blonde Rachel Dee Is Looking Roaringly Spectacular In This Jungle Set From Playboy!! Her Debut Pics Were Shot In Bali And The Result Is Pretty Damn Nice! - Tanning CansBleona Qereti Caught Topless Sunbathing

I remember sitting at home, watching the first tower fall and then the second and thinking "Damn, I'm shit at Jenga!"
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said, 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor" the man said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!" "Nonsense" the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations". "Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months". "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently... "It's rust!"
A man and his wife decide to go back to their honeymoon hotel for their twenty-fifth anniversary.
As the couple reflects on that magical evening a quarter-century earlier, the wife asks her husband "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replies "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry". As the wife undresses, she asks "What are you thinking now?" "It looks as if I did a pretty good job".


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There's a few that could be added to this list. Like the one about how I didn't fart, you didn't fart, but I can still smell fart. Or the one where I didn't eat the chocolate I was saving, you didn't eat the chocolate I was saving, but the chocolate is gone. All bizarre coincidences right? Maybe not as much as these...

-In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally struck and killed by a taxi. One year later, this man's bother was killed in the very same way. In fact, he was riding the very same moped. And to stretch the odds even further, he was struck by the very same taxi driven by the same driver - and even carrying the very same passenger!

-Dorothy Fletcher was flying from Manchester to Florida for her daughter's wedding in 2003 when disaster struck. Flight staff put out an urgent appeal for any doctors on board to make themselves known. Suddenly a bunch of passengers came rushing down the aircraft aisle. Who were they? A group of cardiologists on the way to a conference. They were able to keep her stable while the plane diverted to a nearby airport and she even made it to the wedding.

-South African astronomer Danie du Toit was giving a lecture at the age of 49 about how death could come at any time. On finishing, he popped a mint into his mouth with a little too much vigor, and choked to death.

-A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that they had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell. Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell. Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941. They had both married military men in the year 1959 within eleven days of each other. They each had two children aged 19 and 21. They both had an interest in oil painting. Both had studied cosmetics. Both had worked as book-keepers.

-Halley's Comet passes Earth about once every 76 years, making it actually not that unlikely that someone's life could be measured by it. One such person is Mark Twain, who was born during its 1835 pass, and died the day of its appearance in 1910. He even predicted it in 1909, remarking "It is coming again next year and I expect to go out with it".

-September 1928, Alexander Fleming locked up his London lab one evening without bothering to do wash up the equipment. When he returned a few days later and began to tackle the pile off failed experiments, he noticed that one Petri dish containing a staphylococcus culture had begun to grow blue mould and that the mould had apparently killed any staphylococcus bacteria it had come into contact with. He conducted a series of experiments on this miraculous mould and soon discovered what we now known as penicillin.

-Mr George D Bryson arrived at the Brown Hotel in Louisville, Kentucky in 1953. Mr Bryson was shown to room 307. After unpacking he went down to reception to see if there were any letters or messages for him. The receptionist gave him a letter addressed to Mr George D Bryson, Room 307. This might not seem strange except that the letter was not for him. It was for another George D Bryson who was the previous occupant of room 307.

-In 1955, Hollywood heartthrob and cause-less rebel James Dean was killed in a horrific car accident while driving his Porsche. The car was later considered a bad luck omen. When the car was towed taken to a garage, the engine slipped out and landed on a mechanic, shattering both his legs. The engine was eventually bought by a wealthy doctor, who used it to soup-up his racing car. He died shortly after during a race. Another driver died in the very same race. That car had the driveshaft from Dean's Porsche fitted. The garage where Dean's Porsche was repaired was later destroyed by fire. The car was then displayed in Sacramento, but somehow fell off its mount, breaking a teenager's hip. In Oregon, the trailer the Porsche was mounted on slipped from its towbar, smashing into a shopfront. Finally, in 1959, the car mysteriously broke into 11 pieces while sitting on steel supports.

-British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WWI, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down. He moved to Canada where, six years later whilst out fishing, Summerfield was struck again by lightning and the right side of his body became paralysed. After two years of recovery, it was a summer's day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again, this time paralysing him all over. He died two years after this incident and four years Dakota Apartment Complex in New York City

-King Umberto I of Italy had a weird dining experience when he found that he and the owner of a restaurant at which he was eating were born on the same day in the same town and had both married a woman named Margherita. On July 29, 1900, the king learned that the restaurant owner had been shot and killed in the street. Later that day, the king was also assassinated.

-Police in Bari, Italy, were able to apprehend a thief who had grabbed a woman's handbag as he sped past on his motorbike after she gave them an exceptionally detailed description of him. It turned out she was his mother.

-In 1914 a German woman from Strasbourg took her son to be photographed. She bought a film plate, and after the photo was taken said she would return in a few days when the portrait was ready. Unfortunately WW1 broke out and she was not able to collect the photo. Two years later she was living in Frankfurt and gave birth to a daughter. She was still disappointed because she still didn't have any photos. The mother again bought a film plate and had another photo taken, this time of her daughter. When the new photo plate was developed it turned out to be a double exposure. Her daughter's image was superimposed on the earlier picture of her son! Incredibly her original film plate was never developed and had somehow ended up in Frankfurt 100 miles away. She bought the same plate with the original photo still on it.

-Someone on this street obviously had it in for this baby, because during the 1930's, a man named Joseph Figlock was surprised by a falling baby landing on his shoulders. The same day the next year, the same baby fell on him again at the same spot. Neither Figlock nor the baby were injured.

-Over the past two decades, nearly every U.S. presidential candidate has been left-handed. In 2008, both Barack Obama and John McCain were left-handed. In 1992, all three candidates for president were lefties.


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Colin was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to now. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it".

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Colin says. "President Clinton" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes" Colin says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope".

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Colin?"


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One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" So the man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life".

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life".

The bartender says "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life".

And finally the bartender says "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once".


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-Rose Davies had been raised by foster parents and only later been told that she had three brothers. Sid and John had been relatively easy to find but there was no trace of Chris. Little did she know that she had already befriended him and his family. After years spent years trying to track down this long-lost brother she was amazed to discovered he lived across the road from her house

-In 2002, a man in Finland was struck and killed while trying to cross Highway 8 on his bike. Two hours later, his twin brother attempted the same crossing, and was also struck and killed, so they were killed about one-and-a-half kilometres from one another, two hours apart.

-Brad Pitt went all out to get into character on the set of Troy (2004) but it was probably a performance he'd rather forget than win an Oscar for. During a particularly tricky fight scene against his enemy Hector, Pitt leapt and landed badly, tearing his Achilles tendon in the process and ruling out the filming of other fight scenes for weeks. What was his character's name? Achilles of course.

-When designing the landscape scenes for video game Deus Ex, one of the artists left out a major landmark of the New York City Skyline: the Twin Towers. To cover the flub, the game made up something about a terrorist attack. The game was made in 2000.

-In 2006, fisherman Mark Anderson found a 92-year-old message in a bottle. The discovery landed him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Being a fisherman, Anderson enjoyed bragging to his friend, Andrew Leaper, about the record. Leaper quickly tired of Anderson's bragging. Six years later, while manning the same fishing boat, skipper Andrew Leaper one-upped the braggart Anderson by finding his own message in a bottle... this time one that had floated aimlessly at sea for an incredible 98 years. Leaper consequently took Anderson's spot in the record book.

-Proving that no amount of international fame can counter the weight of public emotion, pop star Kylie Minogue felt compelled to make an expensive and time-consuming last-minute change to the title of her 1997 album following the death of Princess Diana in August of that year. The rather unimaginative new title was Kylie Minogue - the original had been Impossible Princess.

-Emile Deschamps was in a restaurant when a stranger called Monsieur de Fortgibu sent over some plum pudding. Ten years later Deschamps was in a Paris restaurant and noticed plum pudding on the menu. He asked the waiter to bring him of the pudding. The waiter said he was very sorry but the last of the plum pudding had just been served to a gentleman behind Deschamps. When Deschamps turned to see who it was, it was Monsieur de Fortgibu. Six years after that coincidence in 1832 Deschamps was at a dinner party and was offered plum pudding. At exactly the same time Deschamps was telling his fellow diners the story of the plum pudding coincidences an old Monsieur de Fortgibu walked into the room.

-John and Arthur Mowforth were twins who lived about 80 miles apart in Great Britain. On the evening in 1975, both fell severely ill from chest pains. The families of both men were completely unaware of the other's illness. Both men were rushed to separate hospitals at approximately the same time. And both died of heart attacks shortly after arrival.

-In May of 1944, retired school teacher Leonard Dawes, who had been compiling the daily crossword puzzle for London's Daily Telegraph newspaper for over twenty years, put together a series of puzzles that somehow managed to include the names of two of the landing beaches -Utah and Omaha- along with several other super-secret code words like Overlord, Mulberry, and Juno nobody outside of General Eisenhower's staff was supposed to know. Assuming Dawes was a German agent, they instantly interrogated the man, only to release him a short time later once they became convinced the words were entirely randomly chosen. While the chances of inadvertently using one of the code words is not remarkable, Dawes puzzles contained no fewer than five code words - all over the course of two weeks.

-On June 20, 1940, Soviet archaeologists uncovered the tomb of Tamerlane, a descendent of Genghis Khan. A warning inscription read "Whoever opens my tomb will unleash an invader more terrible than I". They opened it anyway. Germany invaded the Soviet Union two days later.

-When Margaret Thatcher died in 1996, not a single foreign dignitary turned up for her funeral. The reason? This Margaret had been the first wife of Denis Thatcher and had divorced him in 1948. His second wife, also Margaret, is the one who was the British prime minister from 1979 to 1990 and who died in 2013.

-Stalin, Hitler, and Franz Josef, who are collectively responsible for about 80 million deaths, all lived in Vienna at the same time.

-In 1660 when a ship sank off Dover the only survivor was called Hugh Williams. In 1767 another ship sank in the same spot and the sole survivor was called... Hugh Williams. In 1820 a ship capsized on the Thames and the only man left alive was... Hugh Williams. And in 1940 a German mine blew up a ship leaving two survivors -a man and his nephew BOTH called Hugh Williams.

-America's most beloved presidents had a whole laundry list of things in common. Firstly, Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846, while John F. Kennedy was elected a century to the year. Lincoln won his election in 1860, with his inauguration being held in 1861, while Kennedy won his election in 1960, with his inauguration following in early 1961. Both their vice presidents and successors were Southern Democrats named Johnson, which is another word for dick. Both were shot in the back of the head in front of their wives on a Friday, and Lincoln was shot in Ford's Theatre, while Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln, which was made by Ford.

-While American novelist Anne Parrish was browsing bookstores in Paris in the 1920's, she came upon a book that was one of her childhood favourites - Jack Frost and Other Stories. She picked up the old book and showed it to her husband, telling him of the book she fondly remembered as a child. Her husband took the book, opened it, and on the flyleaf found the inscription: "Anne Parrish, 209 N. Weber Street, Colorado Springs". It was Anne's very own book.

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Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis!"

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby "Take me to my hotel and step on it". The cabby turns and says "Sure thing sir... oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says "Thank you... thank you very much..."


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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot replies "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion".

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately".

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy "THEN WHAT

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


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GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realise that you have to poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOP: The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is notified.

CORN POOP: Self-explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP-POOP: The kind where you want to poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN POOP: It smells so bad your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of poop that doesen't smell.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS! a poop.

THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.


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One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mum about courting. Flustered, she replied "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting".

"The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the doctor though, he missed an awful lot".

"That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then rips off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers".

"Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying and then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?" Mum fainted.


Aaaaaand... TIME.

-Check out the site archives. Only a complete loser would deprive themselvest. Are you a complete loser...?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Because Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hock a loogie into your breakfast when you arent watching.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to each other. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.09.03-20.16

Welcome to moody atmosphere.

Has been one of those weeks - got a monumental amount of stuff done but when it came to sitting down and writing about what's been going on in my life or perhaps discussing what global problems I've diligently solved in my spare time, I was already so far behind schedule that there just wasn't enough time to conjure anything worthwhile. The next best thing of course is to fill this section with a bunch of jokes. Understandably this will cause distress for some readers and I do apologise but strongly urge to people to fucking get over it.

One for thing before we get cracking - waaaay back when, like 2005-ish, I got in contact with the Urban Ninja. Remember him? Everyone went fucking crazy over the video of him running around in a ninja suit terrorising people. Yeah it was only 10 years but no one was doing stuff like it then and it's still gold today. Anyway... he's back with something new and it's outstanding. Clicky here.

Alright let's do update. Don't ask me to list the many reasons why this bad boy is incredible - that would be stupid. Ask me something like "Hey Orsm, I know your birthday is coming up in a few weeks. What really expensive gift can I buy you?" Aaaaaaaaaaaaand check it...

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven". This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter sceptically and said "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son" St. Peter said "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed. Donna, my lovely wife said, "Mike you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said "That bastard next door still has my fucking shovel!".
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it". "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well" the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.  "Grandma" he asked "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Judy, Bernice and Bernice's young son were having lunch at the mall food court one day. "So how did you and your husband meet?" Judy asked. "I was on a trip to Egypt" Bernice explained "and that's where we met. We instantly fell in love and spent the rest of the trip together. Coincidentally, we were both booked on the same flight back. It was destiny! We were married only a few months later!" Bernice then lowered her voice to a whisper. "I was a pregnant bride!" she confessed. "Really?" Judy asked. "Yes" Bernice whispered. "During one of the tours, he took me by the hand and led me to a dark corner of the pyramid we were in where no one could see us!" "And then what?" Judy asked. Bernice answered "He made me a mummy!"
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here". The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink" said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here". So the second string walks back and tells his friends what has happened. The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink". The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says "You a string?" "Frayed knot" he replies.

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Things EscalateHow This Fight Between A McDonald's Employee And A Customer Ends Will Shock You - Strongly Identify!Guy’s Masculinity Is Tested To The Limit As He Attempts To Capture Giant Wolf Spider In Bathroom - "Freestyle"How Not To Freestyle On Live TV - Creepy Bro!Guy Dates His Virtual Dating Sim ‘Girlfriend’ IRL By Wearing Her As A Cosplay Bodysuit – #LovePlus - First AnalLittle Teen Minx Riley Experiences Anal For The First Time And Absolutely Loves It/span> - Sorry Dad Son Outs College President Dad For Having An Affair - DepressingThe Battle Cry Of The Duck Army - Life LessonFather Shows His Daughter What It's Really Like Working At A Convenience Store - Go RobotsThis, My Friend, Is A Physics-Puzzle Game. Your Objective Is Simple, Very Simple, Just Help The Robots Get To The Other Side, Just Like The Proverbial Chicken, Only Metallic

Battle GolfSo You Wanted A Nice Relaxing Game Of Golf To Finish Off The Day? Right? RIGHT? RELAXING! That Is All You Want. Well Be Prepared To Be Astounded...! - Mob HottieDid Meadow Soprano Get A Boob Job Or Have They Always Been This Amazing/Big/Juicy? - She's ShavenMiley Cyrus Bald Vag Taped Up For The VMA's - Catsuit WowSarah Harding Is Some 40 Year Old Ex-Popstar Who Is Seriously Pulling Off This Costume. - Fairytale SexThis Video Checks Off Every Box To What A Perfect Porn Should Look Like. Every Schoolboy Sex Fantasy In One Place! - Self-AwareCreepy As Fuck Robot Tells Interviewer If He Becomes Terminator He'll 'Keep Him Safe In His Human Zoo' - Great SavePlane Almost Crashes After Running Into Strong Winds During Take-off - BBC PainBBC Perfection: A Porn Music Compilation - DisgustingIn My Opinion The Best Food You Can Get At McDonald's Are The French Fries. But You Need Sauce With It, That Makes It Really Delicious. But After Seeing This I Think I Won't Order Fries For A While, It Will Make Me Think Of This Disgusting Way Of Giving Your Own Flavour To It. - Ouch!Everybody Has A Few Of These Moments In Their Life. Mostly They Happen As A Teenager. This Kid Had One Of These Moments About .5 Seconds Before Screeching, "Slow Down!!"

Feed MeFred Needs Ongoing Nourishment. Fail To Provide It To Him And He Will Sadly Drop Dead. That Would Be Extremely Sad Not Only For You, But All Of Fred's Family. Do Your Best To Keep This Funky Retro Plant Alive. - Oh Dammit!It's Only 10 Minutes Into The All Night Sex Party And This Douche Is About To Bust His Nut After A 30 Second Blowjob. Not Wanting To End The Night Early, He Awkwardly Death Grips His Penis Attempting To Cease Climax. - Mind BlownThis Blast Must Have Been Pretty Close, Because He Was Even Able To React. That Or He Was Nowhere Near The Blast But The Sheer Sound Of It Blew His Mind As We See Here. - Tasty TeenPigtailed Teens Holes Get A Good And Hard Fucking - Nut JobCrazy Bitch Honestly Believes Her Baby Dolls Are Real Children - Midget PornLittle Bridget The Midget Has Some Big Dreams, Really Big Dreams - Bikini WinFanny Françoisa And Sabrina Nait In Bikinis Makes Me Want To Head For The Beach... - Great TitsRita Ora Pasties With Bonus Leather Pantie Upskirt - Hawt NerdCassidy May Wear Glasses In These Pics But She’s Still Showing Off Her Big Boobs And That’s All That Matters!

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and the first night Gary spends six hours eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologises up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, shaking her head, and whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair". "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I'd found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" dad asked mum. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then mum asked dad "What will you do if I die first?" He replied "Probably the same thing".
My name be Eboneesha Mongowa Hernandez. I bees a African-Hispanic-American Girl, an I jus gots a award for bein da bess speler in skule. I gots a 47% on the spelin text an 38 points for being black, 10 points for not bringin drugs to class, 10 points for not bringin guns to class, an 15 points for not getting pregnut during da cemester. It goin be hard ta beat a scoe of 120%. White dude sit nex ta me is McGee from Jaxon Mizipy. He do a 94% on da spelen text but no extre points on acount of he be haven the same skin color as da opressirs of 150 years ago. Granny ax me to thank all dimocrafts an liberuls for suportin afermative axion. You be showin da way to true eqwallity she be said. I be gittin in medkul skool nex an mabe I be yo docter since Barrac takn over da healfcare in dis contry.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes". The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor - now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True" replies the doctor "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie".


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After reading through this list you're going to realise that ignorance is fucking bliss when it comes to food. Life would be a much happier place not knowing some of the very disturbing shit we stuff in our faces. But does that stop anyone? Nope. Can't think. Eating.

-We all know hamburgers are made in huge factories however what this means is one normal burger patty can encompass pieces of beef from a variety of cattle from many different areas. This multiplies the risk of contamination in that one unhealthy cow can potentially affect hundreds of people in many regions of the country.

-An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. Fast food products are more likely to have human hairs and you will never know about it.

-High Fructose Corn Syrup, a type of artificial sugar commonly found in almost all kinds of processed food and beverages, tricks your body into wanting more, resulting in weight gain.

-An average American child consumes over 5 servings of pesticides everyday via food and water. An average child also consumes 150mg of artificial food colouring every day.

-The meat you buy at your local supermarket is probably treated with carbon monoxide to keep it from turning colour. That doesn't mean the meat is bad but it does mean that it's not as fresh as you'd been led to believe.

-Fast food chains dip their French fries in sugar to give them the appetising golden brown colour after frying. So chips aren't just fatty and starchy, they're sugary as well.

-The world's unhealthiest burger can be found in Heart Attack Grill, Las Vegas. The Quadruple Bypass Burger has been certified by Guinness Book of Records to be the Most Calorific Burger, with a total of 9982 calories! The recommended daily intake for the average adult male is only 2500 calories.

-Over 6,000 additives and chemicals are used by food companies to process and produce our food. Few of these are thoroughly tested for safety first.

-Maraschino cherries are normal cherries which are soaked in a bath of calcium chloride and sulphur dioxide after picking. This process bleaches them so they are treated with a red dye. Sometimes, they even come in different colours and flavours.

-Grilled chicken sandwiches and salads on fast food menus, might contain beef. For example chicken McNuggets contain several beef additives disguised generally with secret names like "extract" or "essence".

-50 million Americans eat at fast food restaurants daily.

-About 70% of the calories Americans eat come from highly processed foods.

-Rennet is a crucial part of making cheese and is obtained by slicing up a calf's stomach, soaking it in whey and wine or vinegar, and then filtering it.

-In the U.S. in 1970, $6 billion was spent on fast food. As of 2006, it was up to $142 billion. Currently the spend is around $1200 per person a year.

-Animals at factory farms are fed things like diseased animals, feathers, hair, skin, hooves, blood, manure, plastics. Of course not forgetting various drugs and chemicals.

-Domino's Pizza had to cancel their "30 minutes or less" guarantee after so many drivers were getting into accidents while delivering pizzas.

-Ever heard of Propylene Glycerol? This chemical is what keeps your 'healthy option' salad crispy. This chemical, also comes with alerts like skin and eye irritation if exposed to the human body. It is generally used in products like anti-freeze and even worse sexual lubricant.

-Pizza originated from Naples, Italy where the Napolitano's used bread as a blank slate for relishes from Greece where bakers had been dressing their potteries with oils, herbs and cheese since 400BC. Romans refined the idea to develop placenta, a sheet of fine flour topped with cheese, honey and bay leaves. The Napolitano's earned the right to claim the pizza as their own invention when tomato was included in the recipe.

-Chemicals used to make plastic food packaging often leak into our food. The FDA considers these migrated chemicals permissible 'indirect food additives'.

-Castor Oil is the most dangerous concentrated food available. It has enough poison in it to kill a fully grown human with one bean and enough ricin to kill a horse in four, depending on how it's pressed. What's interesting however is we consume castor oil products every day in things like candy and medicine.

-You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a super-sized Coke, fries and Big Mac.

-1 in 3 American child born after the year 2000 will develop diabetes. The odds are worse for Hispanic children as 1 in 2 will be affected.

-More than 80% of all processed foods contain genetically modified ingredients.

-Cooked rhubarb may make a great pie filling but the leaves contain corrosive oxalic acid, which is poisonous in large doses. Cooking with baking soda can make the poisoning even more acute.

-The highest price coffee in the world comes from civet droppings. Kopi Luwak are coffee beans that come from Civet poop. The animals indulge on the ripe berries and poop out the undigested beans which are then cultivated to be sold. Kopi Luwak sells anywhere from $120 and $600 per pound and tastes like shit.

-Male cattle that are castrated to improve fattening and docility in feedlots are known as steers. Manufacturers combine the fat trimmed from beef steers to produce leaner meat with meat from retired dairy cows, which generally don't have enough fat to taste good. This way, they get all of their meat cheaper, and they can precisely control the fat percentage of the product.

-About 80% of food in the U.S. comes from huge factory farms, whose practices damage the health of people, animals and the environment.

-Fugu, a pufferfish, this is one of the most dangerous and poisonous foods in the world. Chefs must train for three years learning how to prepare the fish. After training is over, the final food test involves the chef cutting their own fugu fish... and eating it. 30% of all people pass the course - some drop out, some fail and others have died.

-A can of classic Coca Cola contains 10 teaspoons of sugar, which is exactly the recommended daily intake for an adult.

-Cinnamon can carry up to 1 milligram of animal excrement per pound.

-Over 90% of the salmon sold to stores is farm-raised and can contain as many as 16 more contaminants than wild salmon. Since farm raised do not consume their natural foods, they are given colouring agents that give them the desirable salmon pink colour.

-McDonald's is the largest purchaser of beef, pork, potatoes and apples in the U.S.

-Tomato paste is considered bad only if more than 45 percent contains mould.

-The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.

-The first ever fast food restaurant chain in the U.S. is White Castle.

-About one-third of bottled water contains synthetic organic chemicals, bacteria, and arsenic. Conversely, there are also more than 115,000 human-made chemicals in the public water supply system.

-The highest selling fast food product is not the hamburger. It's actually French fries. McDonald's alone goes through 9 million pounds of potatoes every day.

-Nearly 900 million pounds of toxic pesticides are applied to farms every year.


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The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In... in front of you?" he mumbles, shy. The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. The man said "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body".

"Of course I won't laugh!" said the nurse to the patient "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient!" "Okay then" said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry" she said "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" Bob replied.


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-The largest item on any menu in the world is the roast camel. The camel is stuffed with a sheep's carcass, which is then stuffed with chickens, which are then stuffed with fish, which are finally stuffed with eggs. This is a rare delicacy and is mostly served at Bedouin wedding feasts.

-FDA laws allow for an average of 60 insect fragments per 100 grams of chocolate.

-There are 7,500 different kinds of apples grown on Earth. If you were try a new variety every day it would take you 20 years to try them all.

-Pink-grapefruit juice drinks may contain bugs. You won't find it listed in the contents, but it is definitely there. The insects are in the shape of an ordinary food colouring named cochineal extract, carmine, or carmines acid. The reddish colour is derived from the insect known as Dactylopius Coccus Costa, whose diet is of red cactus berries. The bugs are dried up and then ground into a fine powder that is used in a lot of processed foods with a pink, red or purple tint.

-The Pizza Royale 007 is the most expensive pizza in the world costing a whopping 3000 Euros, created by Domenico Crolla. It is topped with edible gold, lobster marinated in the finest cognac and champagne-soaked caviar, Scottish smoked salmon and medallions of venison.

-Most wasabi that you buy in a store or eat at a restaurant is actually coloured horseradish. Real wasabi is extremely expensive to cultivate.

-North Korea and Cuba are the only 2 countries in the world where you cannot find Coca Cola.

-Most fast food burgers are about 50% water and only 2.1 to 14.8% meat. The rest is made up of chemical pitches and preservatives.

-Worcestershire sauce is made from dissolved fish. The English sauce is made with liquefied anchovies. The anchovies are soaked in vinegar until they totally dissolve down, bones and all.

-A 1781 family manuscript recounts that potatoes were deep fried prior to 1680 in Spanish Netherlands (called Belgium today). It said the poor had the custom of fishing in Meuse valley for small fish and frying but when the river was frozen and fishing became perilous, potatoes were cut into forms of small fish and fried. Belgians believe that the word 'French' was added when American soldiers arrived in Belgium during World War 1 and as a result tasted the fries. French was the official language of the army at that time.

-Frozen broccoli must have an average of no more than 60 aphids or thrips or mites per 100 grams.

-The phosphoric acid found in cola is so acidic that it can dissolve a nail in 4 days. The pH of soda is equivalent to the pH level of vinegar. Would you drink a cup of vinegar? Next time you see a Coke delivery truck carrying the concentrated stuff look for the corrosive materials sign.

-The world's most expensive burger can be found in Fleur de Lys at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas. Created by Chef Hubert Keller, the $5000 Fleurburger 5000 is loaded with items such as foie gras, black truffles, and a black truffle brioche bun.

-Canned pineapple can pack in up to 20% mouldy fruit.

-Water is reusable meaning the water you've been drinking has already been drunk and passed by someone else. Probably many times.

-McDonald's French fries were once flavoured with beef tallow, a processed form of hard white fat found on the kidneys and loins of cattle.

-Coconut water can be used as blood plasma.

-Tomatoes contain this chemical called Glycoalkaloid that is able to cause extremely upset stomachs in people.

-The FDA allows an average of 30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.

-Cup holders started appearing in car designs around the 90's as the drive-thru became increasingly popular. As the cups grew wider, so did the cup holders.

-Oregano can legally contain up to 1,250 insect fragments per 10 grams.

-Sugar derived from pure sugar cane goes through a purification process using bone char which is produced from the bones of cows.

-Hundred dollar hamburger is a slang used by pilots needing an excuse to fly. A $100 hamburger trip involves flying a short distance, eating at an airport restaurant, and flying home.

-Carrots used to be purple until they were selectively bred into their modern orange colour. Baby carrots are actually cut out of regular size carrots that were too lumpy and unappetising for consumers to consider buying them.

-Natural vanilla can be addictive. It causes the body to increase the levels of catecholamine's known to us as epinephrine, and even more commonly, adrenaline.

-Tater tots were created to utilise potato scraps. Today, 70 million pounds worth are consumed every year.

-Peanut butter can contain one rodent hair per 100 grams.

-No one person is known to have invented fried chicken but the Scottish have been known to fry chicken long before most other places in the world.

-Many mass produced ice creams have seaweed in them. Check the label for carrageenan which s a seaweed extract used as a stabiliser to keep the ice cream crystal free.

-Balut is a delicacy in many Asian countries where fertilised duck eggs are served on your plate. The duck eggs are placed in the sun for about eight days where they are then cooked and served with salt.

-Otto Kuase was a cook famous for inventing the hamburger back in 1891. He created a special beef patty and cooked it in some butter then topped it off with a nice fried egg.

-Chocolate is only considered tainted when it averages 60 or more insect fragments per 100 grams.

-Peanut oil can be produced to create glycerol, which is then processed into nitro-glycerine, one of the items that make up dynamite. This is not usually the norm however; there are several other ways to generate dynamite with the use of peanuts.

-Soft drinks enjoy an up to 1200% mark-up.

-Berries can harbor up to 4 larvae per 100 grams.

-In ancient China and certain parts of India, the meat from a mouse was considered a great delicacy.

-You can order beer in all McDonald's restaurants in Belgium (Jupiler) and France (Kronenbourg 1664). Some locations in Cyprus, Germany, Netherlands and Austria serve beer too.

-Up to 10 percent of canned asparagus can harbor asparagus beetles or egg sacs.

-Casu Marzu, also known as maggot cheese, is a Sardinia delicacy made from sheep's milk that is left outside for maggots to infest. This cheese is a delicacy... and also illegal. Eating it requires eye protection because the larvae are able to jump up to 6 inches. The taste is potent enough to burn your tongue and undigested larva can live long enough to reach your intestines, causing vomiting and severe diarrhoea.

-A strawberry milkshake from a fast food restaurant contains at least 50 different kinds of chemicals. Phenethyl alcohol, one of them, is also used as a preservative for soaps and detergents.

-As much as five percent of your maraschino cherries can legally contain maggots.

-Raw almonds have a huge amount of cyanide in them. Because of this they are illegal to sell in many countries raw. That's why every almond product are cooked to remove the cyanide.

-Any cheese whose package states it is processed or pasteurised is most likely made from less than 51 percent of cheese. The other 49 percent is a concoction of flavourings and additives to give your taste buds the illusion of cheese.

-Pizza comes from the Latin word 'pissa' which means flatbread in 9th century. Actually, many languages around the Mediterranean has similar sounding words for flatbread like 'pita'.

-When Swiss cheese ferments, the bacterial chemistry creates a gas. When the gas is released, it creates bubbles that eat their way through. And that's how the holes are made in Swiss cheese.

-Fast food is directly related to obesity. An annual average of 250,000 deaths cite obesity, the number 2 cause of preventable death, as a contributing factor.


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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound.

So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound.

As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again.

A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said "Oh. That's the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to get the blame, said "No". The farmer said "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam".


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A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam" replied the sales clerk "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said "A long frilly white dress with a veil".

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning".

"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again".

"What about your third husband?" "That one was a politician" said the woman "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.


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Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.

As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.

The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"


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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


Well my work here is done. Luckily for you guys it doesnt end there. Read:

-Check out the site archives. 1M previous updates all as good or slightly better than this one.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's in the pipe. Five by five.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray carve a figurine out of his poop that bears an uncanny resemblance to you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't listen to me - I know nothing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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