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September 2016...
orsmupdate 2016.09.15-07.44
Boobies

Welcome to I am a meat popsicle.

Aaaaand taking a short break from reality... and you fuckers... deep in to the Great Southern region of Western Australia. It was that or Bali and as we all know, if you want to experience the worst of Australia then Bali, Indonesia is where you go. Sure, that won't make much sense if you aren't Australian or have never been to Kuta. Basically what I'm saying is: stay the fuck out of Kuta unless you like obnoxious, sleeve and neck tattooed, Bintang singlet-wearing, drunk Aussies and tourist-hardened locals harassing you to buy low quality junk.

So how do you decide? Bali is a 3.5 hour flight. Albany is a 5 hour drive. Bali is hot, cheap and there is absolutely tonnes of stuff to do. Albany is cold, expensive and there's a lot less to do. By the time you factor accommodation, fuel, food and all the extras, a Bali holiday works out buttloads cheaper. It's relaxing and there are some incredible hotels and resorts. There's amazing food, buffet breakfasts and cold beer is always within arm's reach. Albany can't really boast all those things, or at least as prolifically, but it's a seriously beautiful part of the world. It's quiet, no one is likely to pester you to buy a knock-off watch and there's even a good chance each day of seeing whales swim into the bay. Also, terrorism and Zika risk are 0.

All things considered, the decider came down to: haven't been to Albany for longer than I haven't been to Bali (5 and 2 years respectively).

Okay let's get cracking with the update. We'll start by filling the rest of this section with a huge bunch of jokes collected from a million emails you guys bombard me with. I might not always reply but do read everything that comes my way. Thanks to all you fuckers. Anyway... check it...

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
--
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbourhood boys for being stupid. Their favourite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbour takes him aside and says "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale". A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish". The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that". The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied "That's the spirit dad. Here you go. Now pass the fucking potatoes!"
--
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?" The doctor replies "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant". The blonde interrupts with "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
--
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation". "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realise?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
--
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks "What the hell does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
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A cow, an ant and an idiot were debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. The cow said "I give 20 Litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" The ant said "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you still reading? It's your turn to say something...
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A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex". She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex". He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered "I'll take the soup".
--
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise. As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration and said "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did". "Yes it did" the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

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Knight FightThis Medieval Knight Fight Ended With A Brutal Knockout- F-ing Abhorrent700lb Woman And Her Boyfriend Want Her To Be So Fat She Can’t Physically Move - Dickhead DadBad Parenting? Little Girl Prefers Beer Rather Than Milk - I Know But...Could You Forget Everything You Ever Learnt? - Roadie WrapHow To Wrap Your Cords Like A Pro - Wrecks Her18 Year Old Suffers O-Ring Blowout. Don't Worry, In A Few Days She'll Be Sitting And Shitting Normally. Just Gotta Put Some Icy-Hot On Her Hurt Butt And Eat A Lot Of Fibre. No Worries. - STOP!Stop! It's An Ebay Ad You Need To See - Nice HandsA Beautiful Woman Can Achieve A Lot In 4 Minutes With Just Her Hands... - Dayummm!!Black Bitch Gets Strong Punch After She Spits In Man's Face

Taking The PissIt's 7-Eleven's 'Bring Your Own Cup Day' And These Customers Did Not Disappoint - Impressive BodJemma Lucy Topless Sunbathing On The Rocks - Tasty WifeyI Like The Up Against The Glass Stuff Because Pressed Boobs Are Always A Winner!! Nips Looking Just As Good As Ever!! - Irina NakedNaked Pics Of Irina Shayk For Gq Italy - Hurt Bro?Guy Must Be In Serious Pain After Having Being Speared Through The Neck And Having It Come Out Of His Shoulder On The Other Side - Delicious PussyAngelina Chung Gets Her Pretty Pussy Played With - Every PositionThis Couple Likes To Try Every Fucking Position In The Kama Sutra Book - TerribleBlonde Girl Cries As She Wants To Leave This Insane Porn Shoot - Rotten

Bad FriendsYou Know You Got Involved With The Wrong People - 19th HoleI Don't See The Point Of Putting Balls In Holes For Points 'N Shit, But When The Goal Has Been Replaced By Sluts With Gaping Sideshow Buttholes, You Have Earned My Attention - Hot FuxAustralian Girl Finds Out Pretty Quickly She's Not Into Anal. Can't Stop Screaming, And Can Stop Him From Finishing. - Free SexPetite Redlight Hooker Fucks A Tourist - Killer AssGuy Fucks His Best Friend's Wife In The Attic While Hubby Makes Them Dinner - Don't StealFavela Dealers Beat Dude Who Stole A Cell Phone From Local Woman - Swift KickTwo Guys Having A Friendly Fight One Gets Knocked Out By A Quick Swift Kick To The Face - Miranda KerrMiranda Kerr modelling pics from whatever swim or underwear company is that is using her. she Looks God Damn Incredi-Balls! - Natural HottieBusty Katarina Kozy Stripping And Oiling In Her Tits Before Jumping Some Rope! Bounce, Bounce, Bounce. All The Way To Heaven! - See-Thru!Olivia Palermo Braless In See Through Lace Blouse

A bald man wants to grow his hair back. He walks into the doctor's office for help. The doctor gives him some Vaseline and tells him to apply it to his head daily. The man then heads to the YMCA. He starts applying the Vaseline. A gay man walks by him and asks what he was doing. He laughs and says "If Vaseline makes hair grow longer, I'd have a ponytail coming out of my ass!"
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A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?" "Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
--
John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden john couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave john a pen and paper to write his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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KID CRIMINALS

It's hardly a secret that not all kids are angels. Some of them are little cunts. Some of them are huge little cunts. Safe to say these ones fall into the latter category...

-At 15 years old Jonathan Lebed created a website to sell penny stocks. He gave people fake advice to buy stocks which he already owned, driving the price way up, and then selling them. At around $800,000 up, the SEC pounced. After a massive lawsuit from his parents, the SEC settled out of court for just $285,000; leaving him to keep more than half a million dollars.

-Christopher Pittman's young life was troubled, having run away from the home of his neglectful parents. After a spell at a juvenile care facility, he went to live with his grandparents. After a fight, the 12-year-old snuck into their and killed the couple with his grandfather's shotgun as they slept. The case gained notoriety because Pittman had been switched from Paxil to the anti-depressant Zoloft, which can lead to "manic reactions" in adolescents and children. He is currently serving a 25 year sentence.

-In 1944, 14-year-old George Junius Stinney Jr. followed two young girls, 11 and 8, into a gorge. He wanted to rape the 11-year-old, but couldn't in front of the younger girl. Sooo he killed her. Both girls fought for their lives, but Stinney bludgeoned them to death with a railroad spike. He was charged and convicted of first-degree murder and was later put to death.

-Willie Bosket was a crime machine, so much so that he was responsible for a law change in New York state which allowed juveniles as young as 13 to be tried as adults. 1978, by the time he had turned 15, Bosket had committed over 2000 crimes. Although he never knew his murderer father, he was proud of him, once telling authorities he would one day be a killer too. Bosket knew that due to his young age, even by stabbing or shooting people, as he had taken to doing, he would still only get jail time until his 21st birthday which is what prompted the law change. He is currently serving an 82 year sentence.

-In 1984, 17-year-old Larry Swartz murdered both of his adoptive parents. Swartz stabbed his father to death with a steak knife and bludgeoned his mother with a wood-splitting maul. The case drew much attention, resulting in a best-selling book "Sudden Fury" and a TV movie starring Neil Patrick Harris as Larry.

-The Sasebo slashing happened in 2004 during a regular school day at Okubo Elementary in Japan. A teacher realised two students were missing. Shortly afterwards, one returned covered in blood. Searching for the missing girl, the teacher found 12-year-old Satomi Mitarai dead, her throat slashed with a utility knife. The killer, an 11-year-old known only as Girl A, told police she had been slandered by Mitarai online, apparently criticising her weight and calling the girl a "goody goody".

-Max Zwerbach came to New York with his family in 1884, fleeing the anti-Semitic persecution in Austria. Max's father wanted him to become a tailor but Max wasn't interested. At 15 he got picked up for stealing and selling stolen bicycles. Age 19 he shot and killed gang lord Mugsy Baynard following a card game and by 21 he was in charge of the powerful Eastman Gang.

-Officially the youngest school shooter ever, 6-year-old Dedrick Owens found a .32 calibre handgun in his uncle's house and shot dead his classmate Kayla Rolland in front of 22 other students. Owens was never charged because of his extreme young age, but his uncle and two other men were imprisoned for involuntary manslaughter.

-At 15, Tyler Pagenstecher started selling a little bit of weed to his friends. He began working his way up selling more and more which was when things got out of control. He was reportedly selling $20k a month to high schoolers. Two years later, Tyler got busted with six grand in cash and $3 million worth of marijuana in his bedroom. He was just short of his 18th birthday when charged meaning he avoided being charged as an adult and spent 6 months in a juvenile prison

-Jamarion Lawhorn was playing with 9-year-old Michael Verkerke in a public playground when he stabbed the child in the back. The kids did not know each other. The killer then approached a man and asked to borrow his mobile phone. The man was stunned when Lawhorn called the police, saying: "Hi. I just stabbed somebody. I want to die. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. Please pick me up".

There's no shortage of kids committing crimes. You can find more of them from the October '15 update in the Orsm Archives here...

EMBARRASSED GIRLS ARE TRYING TO COVER UP THE GOODS!

EMBARRASSED GIRLS ARE TRYING TO COVER UP THE GOODS!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?" Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much!"

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new CLA Coupe. I really liked it". Man: "How much?" Woman: $90,000". Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options".

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $1.5". Man: "Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $1,400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go an extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price".

Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too".

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

ORSM VIDEO


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A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter". "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it". A little puzzled the boy says "OK, anything for my love!"

On his return of doing his deed, he asks "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope" says the father. "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it!"

Again the boy obliges and returns saying "NOW can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet... one more thing! See that pig in the sty? Go to it!"

Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

So the father finally tells the boy "Now you can marry my daughter". To which the boy replies "NAH FUCK THAT YOUR DAUGHTER... HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THE PIG?"

50 VERY HOT GIRLS COOLING DOWN IN THE SHOWER

50 VERY HOT GIRLS COOLING DOWN IN THE SHOWER

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ORSM VIDEO: FOODIE EDITION

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house.

The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music" to which the elderly woman whispers in reply "We just came to see our dog".

DO SWIMMERS HAVE THE BEST BODIES? HERE'S A BIG GALLERY OF THEM TO HELP YOU DECIDE

DO SWIMMERS HAVE THE BEST BODIES? HERE'S A BIG GALLERY OF THEM TO HELP YOU DECIDE

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know jack scit". Now you can intellectually handle the situation...

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2016 09 15
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother.

"Mum, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "NOW what are you doing?" "Mum, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself.

When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest" replies her husband "I think you should have ironed it first!"

36 JERKHOLES WHO WON'T PARK LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN...

36 JERKHOLES WHO WON'T PARK LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry" he says "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself". "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh" says the doctor "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

JUDE LOVES IT. LOVES WHAT YOU ASK? JUDE LOVES *IT*

JUDE LOVES IT. LOVES WHAT YOU ASK? JUDE LOVES *IT*

ORSM VIDEO


Now we've reached the end I can finally tell you a secret. All you have to do is READ:

-Follow me on Facegram and Twitbook and Instater.
-Out archives the check.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same as it was last Thursday and will be for all the other Thursday's except for which the ones it won't.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will build a time machine and take you back to when it wasn't illegal to kill fuckwits...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I think we only use 10% of our hearts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.09.08-16.29
Boobies

Welcome to penguin recipes.

*Urgent* HELP NEEDED!!! My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000 spending money. When he won them his wedding date had not been finalised. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at First Baptist Church at 5PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the white dress. If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP

Last week's update started with: "Welcome to what would happen if everyone jumped in the ocean at the same time". It was rhetorical and a statement [not question] but this is the internet where, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, smart people do still exist. Don't worry - I'm not claiming to be one of them however my inbox did get a visit from one who actually crunched the numbers...

Using these three [1, 2, 3] links. If we take the average weight of 62kg and assume that as the human body is mostly water and that the heavier muscle and lighter fat cancel each other out it figures that weight is translatable to volume i.e. 1kg of body = 1Litre of volume or the average person is 62L so 62L X 7,125,000,000 (number of People on earth) = 441,750,000,000 Litres. And using the last link from XKCD we divide our result by 1000 (to make it cubic meters rather than Litres) then divide it by 2.15 billion and multiply by 0.006mm = so the equation is ((62 X 7,125,000,000) / 1000) / 2,150,000,000 x 0.006 =0.001237mm. In other words in everybody on earth jumped in the ocean at the same time it would rise by 0.001mm.

Wasn't sure how right this answer was so tested by pigging out on McDonalds then jumping in the pool. Nearly emptied the fucking thing and later experienced some seepage. Turns out this didn’t actually prove anything much except that a) you shouldn't eat a lot of McDonald's b) it's still far too cold to swim. Oh yeah a quick seach showed someone had answered the question on Quora.

Also last week I babbled on about having a few days to my own devices while the GF and our lovechild headed interstate to visit family. This provided an opportunity to actually get some work done. First things first was going through an incredibly tedious process of finding a developer to do some coding. Why tedious? Because you get bombarded by arrogant jerkholes with a poor command of English promising satisfaction "sir". And lots of them too. After chatting to a few and then waiting, waiting for a response from others who inexplicably bidd but never answer, hit up a guy I'd used previously and got him on the case. In the next few weeks parts of Orsm will begin be mobile-friendly.

Saturday was essentially the same deal. Pretty much the entire day sitting at the computer before deciding late afternoon I should go get some shoes of the exercise variety. Bearing in mind the last attempt to do that was during the post-Xmas sales - sat in the store for over half an hour trying on endless pairs then left empty-handed. Have persisted with the same pair, which I hate, ever since. Anyway, walked in Saturday, told the sales girl I wanted a wide-fit, not Brooks and nothing too expensive. Aaaand she nailed it first go. Didn't even bother trying on anything else. From this we can deduce the girl who served me over Xmas was bad at her job... not that I am difficult and have unreasonable expectations... right? RIGHT?

Exercise came to a halt a few months ago thanks to a breathing issue. Then winter and all its cuntiness kicked in. Couldn't quite motivate myself back into a regular routine; when you look outside and its grey and cold and wet you're already done finding excuses. Now that spring is here it seemed like a good reason to get going again, thus the shoe upgrade. Funny how quickly you forget the positive effects of movement. Only a week back out on the track and already noticing improvements.

Speaking of feet, put them up that night to watch a film. At this point I've almost completely given up on finding anything new/decent/sci-fi. After failing on several attempts it was back to 1997's Contact with Jodi Foster. You remember it... annoying scientist who doesn't believe in God receives plans from aliens to build a transporter which she uses to go and talk with her dad who isn't really her dad. Monumentally bad ending with gargantuan plot holes yet still managed to satisfy the craving.

Sunday Father's Day. Being that my immediate fam were away it was all quite low-key. Saw the extended family in the morning then home to do stuff around the house for the duration. And that was about it... or the short version of about it at least. The long version is even more not worth wasting keystrokes on so let's wind this up...

Today's update is the fulfilment of everything you would expect from an update. There's highs and highers, colour and magic and it is even showing signs of transcending our dimension. But I don't wanna oversell it. Go and see for yourselves. Check it...

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What A LegendThe Best Job Reference Ever- Totally Stunning57 Beautiful Examples That Are Pushing The Envelope Of Urban Creativity - Suk Mike HokHis Name Is Hok And He's A Troll - Drop It!! LOLCareful When Filming Skits With Guns - Dickless DonThe Biggest Cuck On This Shitty Earth - Bubble PornBubble Porn Is SFW Yet Not - WhackedCriminal Boss Gets Executed On A Busy Street In Broad Daylight - Beach BlowjobBlowjob On A Public Beach. So Women Of This Calibre Do Exist... Now Where Do I Find One???

God DAMNCharlotte Mckinney Braless In Slightly See Through Top - VoluptuousBig Boob Babe Alexya Putting On A Hot Shower Show! I Might Need A Cold Shower After Watching This. - Burner BabesAlexis Ren, Sara Sampaio And A Bunch Of Other Idiots At Burning Man - Clean CuntSlut Uses A Vacuum Cleaner To Masturbate. Must Really Suck Not To Own A Dildo - Sextretary AnalTasty Cougar Secretary Gets The Dick On Her Bosses Office Desk - Such SlutsThey Might Not Be The Brightest Bimbos...But They Make Up For It In SHEER SLUTTYNESS! - Extreme KinkCum Covered Gloryhole Lesbian Fun From Europe - BrutalMan's Penis Set On Fire For Attempted Rape. Great Way To Stop These Dirty Fuckers From Ever Doing It Again! - Weirdo FuckerSouthwest Flight Attendant Gives Instructions To Passengers Loony Tunes Style

Kinky TeacherKinky Chick With Big Tits And Cute Body Playing With Her Pussy And Her New Toy. Be Honest - What Else Do You Need? - Stop Resisting!Obviously This Is A Satire, But Sadly It's Not Too Far Off The Mark. I Wonder What They Did During Their Paid Vacation. - "Labor" DayIt’s Labor Day And... This Isn't What You're Expecting... - WTFFFFFFThat Lap Dance Was Going GREAT Until... - Anal Lovin'Anal Loving Girlfriend Gets Assfucked - Hawt FacialBusty Neighbour Gets Titty Fucked Hard-Core! - Fantasy BabeWonder Woman Porn Parody Starring Romi Rain!! Obviously We Get To See Her Naked Which Is One Thing Porn Will Always Have On Mainstream Comic Book Movies. - Stay ClassyChloe Ferry Pantie Upskirt On Drunk Night Out - No EscapeFatal Head On Crash In Sri Lanka. Poor Guy Had Zero Time To React. Not To Worry Though - The World Isn't Exactly Short On Sri Lankans...

**Urgent** HELP NEEDED!!! My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress. If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP
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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes "You asshole, I'm drowning".
--
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard".
--
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" 
--
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says "What's your name?" She says "Carmen". He says "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says "No, I named myself". He says "Why Carmen?" She says "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says "Beerfuck".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude". "Harriet, she's a prostitute". "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now" he said "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us okay?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".

George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25". Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!" "Well" said George "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said "I just can't believe it!" George said "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said "See what you get for $25!?"

36 GIRLS DEMONSTRATING THE CORRECT USE OF SNAPCHAT

SEXY SNAPSCHATS 03

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you". The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us". The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that, think of your health..."

The Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says "That little fucker really pisses me off. He always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on ecstasy!"

ORSM VIDEO


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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies "That's a good piece of fir". "Correct" says the manager "now try this one". "That's a bad piece of willow" says the blind man. "Correct" answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face.

"I'm confused" says the blind man "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

DRUNK GIRLS [ARE MORE FUN!]

DRUNK GIRLS 14

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ORSM VIDEO: FAT AND/OR THIEVERY EDITION

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave.

Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this". The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt". The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You're a saint! Thank you".

The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out".

The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk". She says "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt!" He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself"

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill...?" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

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ORSM VIDEO: MOSTLY AVOIDABLE ACCIDENTS EDITION

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe". The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh" he exclaims "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks "My picture?" He answers "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now". At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims " OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers "So I can get it enlarged!"

ONE PIECE SWIMSUITS PROVE THAT MORE CAN ACTUALLY BE MORE!!

ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars".

So the boy goes up to his mum and asks her if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Mum replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "OMG he is so fine! Of course I would!"

Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

Then the boy goes back to dad and says "I think I learned the difference between Potentially and Realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, Potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, Realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says "Hey, Dave! How you doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no" says Dave. "He's on my bowling team".

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave".

ALICE IN WONDERLAND WAS NOT THIS HOT...

ALICE

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you". he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack!" The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional every day at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you". She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass".

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the hottest sex ever - nun sex!

After it's over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise! I'm the guy on the bus!" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well well well.... forgot what I was going to say. Let's try this:

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network... unless FB block me again. Twitter and Insta haven't yet found fault but I will keep trying!
-Check out the archives. Understand it is not worth disobeying me.
-Next update will be next Thursday... but most likely much earlier than usual. It may even be Wednesday for some of you fuckers.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you a frayed.... KNOT! #dadjokes
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ORSM AKBAR! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.09.01-19.25
Boobies

Welcome to what would happen if everyone in the world jumped in the ocean at the same time.

Spring has sprung. W00t. Now it's as if everyone's problems will magically wash away. Or not. Probably not. It's not going to be that simple... and I'm not going to blame the depressing coldness of the past few months. Because talking about the weather no matter how much importance anyone believes it affects in their sanity is a waste of words and time. Let's just leave it as spring is here and winter is a big, fat cunty-cunt who sucks fucks.

It's also been talked about for months and the day is also finally here. Freedom day. With the GF and child on a plane today, I officially have my life to myself. No family/dad responsibilities for a whole week. I mentioned this to a friend who noted it was party time. This might be one of the moments you realise you're an adult and there's no going back because the last thing on my mind is getting blind drunk and wrecking the house. Okay not the last thing, I'm open to it, but you get my drift. Am apparently 'allowed' to do those things whether the fam is here or not. What I'm most looking forward to is being able to get some work done; get stuck into some projects I never have time for otherwise. Thusly I've been careful not to alert the world to my situation. There's strong empirical evidence making this misstep is like waving a red rag to a bull - they'll come barrelling I my direction with the goal of monopolising me for their own selfish purposes. Oh no no peoples.

Anyway. Being that I have an airport run to get to and am seemingly not harnessing the power to construct paragraphs that are particularly entertaining it may be a better to skip to a huge chunk of short jokes instead. And yes I *could* simply pick up where I left off upon returning home buuuuut that's not going to happen. There'll be me, the TV, something sci-fi and that's it. Good times. Okay go forth and enjoy. This update became more about what to leave out as opposed to what to put in. What I'm saying is: every single image and vid and whatever is worth your time. Check it...

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots" says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits" says the second. "I'm going back to the lab" says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette".
--
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am". The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, its 6 o'clock!"
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A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
--
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed. When her husband wasn't shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him - and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her. "I thought you realised" he replied. "It's Lent". "What?!" she shrieked, almost in tears. "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "Well, you asked, and that's the answer" he said, going back to his book. "But..." she said "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
--
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home". The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
--
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
--
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class". Second guy says "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother".

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Fuck The BabyEagles Fans Rush To Save Baby In Hot Car Until They Notice One Minor Detail- Drunk Much!?50 Hilarious Reasons Why It's Not A Good Idea To Pass Out At A Party - EVER!! - Who's Hotter?Who Is Hotter? Polish Or Argentina Handball Girls? Hint: It Doesn't Matter As Long As Everyone Is In A Bikini - BIG ProblemsSpanish Artist Reimagines Celebrities Like Jennifer Lawrence And Kim Kardashian As Plus Size Models - Stupid FemoDid Hugh Sexually Harass This Woman Or Is She Overreacting? - Eww SikhoHe Should've Gotten Doctor Prescribed/FDA Approved Opioid Derivatives Such As Dilaudid, OxyContin, Hydrocodone, Codeine, Vicodin, Fentanyl, Morphine, Percocet, Darvocet, Lortab, Etc. Would've Saved Him 10 Years In Indian Prison. - STFU Bitch!Crazy Woman Harasses Lyft Driver For Having A Hawaiian Bobblehead Doll - He Lived!!BTR Run Over Soldier... How On Earth Did He Not Get Killed!!?? - LOL Wut?She's Choking On What? Girl Gets Obscene While Recovering From Oral Surgery

Sexy SoloAnonymous Teen With Big Round Ass Masturbates - Killer TitsI Know We All Hate Her But God Fucking Damn Kim Kardashian Tits In A Black See Through Bra Should Not Be Missed - Tessa FowlerTessa Fowler Photos From Her Days Of Getting Topless! She Takes Off Her Bikini Top And Shows Off Her Magnificent Titties In The Backyard!! - Camel ToeI Love Pussy Definition So Much That Anytime A Girl Is Near Me In A Bikini Or Leggings, I Stare Directly At Their Pussy - ShockingGuy doing a robbery gets shot in the head the will to live is strong though gives himself CPR still dies Later In The Hospital. Gotta That Willpower Though - New Slut - Ocean BJBunch Of Friends Have A Threesome With A Random Chick On Vacation - Cum TargetInnocent Young Blonde Gets Her Holes Filled - Bad HandMan Gets Executed While Playing Poker - Dude Stop!!Dude Accidentally Ruins Date Plans With This Joke, But Was It Really That Bad?

CuntsMuslim Migrants Beat And Humiliate Germans! - ControversialOf All The Things In The House To Plunge The Ole Beaver With, She Chooses A Crucifix? - Porn DebutAnal Loving Amateur Porn Debut - Anal DeeeepThat Ass Was Built For BBC Anal! You Gotta Be Packing Some Junk In The Trunk To Handle A Massive Man Wand Like That! - Classic LulzRemember This? Clip Of A Midget From India Who Might As Well Be One Of My Favourite Heroes... Bruce Lee Or James Brown - Here She IsHannah Ferguson Is One Of The Sports Illustrated Instagram Models. She’s Doing Magical Catalog Shoots And With Nipples Like This She’s Clearly Much More Than Just A Working Girl! - Pool BodBikini Pics Of Imogen Thomas Enjoying A Pool In Las Vegas! I Like The Part Of Her Jumping Up On The Flotation Thingy. Nice Downblouse View! - Aussie BoobiesOlympia Valance Topless Changing On Set - All About HerOhhh That... Being Loud, Unrestrained, Passionate And Very Much Enjoying… Everything You Give Me...

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex". The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting" his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!" The wife looked confused and replied to his mate "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick".
--
Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want" said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says "Now shove 'em all up your ass". The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies "My mate is out picking watermelons!"
--
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine". "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her". Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia". Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course" the doctor continued "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day". Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly".

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead".

OMG MY BOOBIES FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG!!

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now".

"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?" "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him".

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

ORSM VIDEO


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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy".

The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"

40+ GIRLS WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE HANGING TOE

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ORSM VIDEO

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.

The counsellor asks "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years" she says "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".

The marriage counsellor is amused "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counsellor further. The wife hesitates "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah" says the counsellor "I think I'll talk to your husband now".

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you". The husband looks shocked "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public; looking at the floor and never going near anyone else". The husband looks concerned "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry". The husband looks sheepish "Oh. Okay". The counsellor continues "And you keep picking your nose in public". "Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean".

The counsellor looks faint "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity". "Oh" says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking". "This" says the husband seriously "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing". "What did he say?" The husband replies "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up".

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". "Sure" they said "You're welcome".

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man" was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools".

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight" said the other friend "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Haha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger". "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson".

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient" said the hit man calmly "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here..."

NOTHING WRONG WITH A HEALTHY TAN...

SOLARIUM

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!" to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg!"

So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favourite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?" The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit". The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

RANDOM SHITE

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A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination, the doctor sighs "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains" she replies. "Well, then" says the Doc "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it".

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look" he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit".

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that". She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots".

THANK THE SURF GODS FOR GIRLS FROLICKING

GIRLS FROLICKING IN THE SURF

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always told me if something hurt I should scream". "That's true".

She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always said that if something tickled you should laugh". "That's also true".

Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mum you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full".

MELIKA IS A SEXY PIECE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY

MELIKA

ORSM VIDEO


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