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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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orsmupdate 2017.08.17-18.00
Boobies

Welcome to all your friends are talking about you behind your back...

It's funny or simply just notable or perhaps neither at all, how completely different circumstances, can have the exact same outcome. The outcome, same as last update, is that I'm posting a bunch of jokes up the top here instead of writing a bunch of my own words. The circumstances last week were that shit was more or less quiet, no interruptions, no dramas but somehow couldn't for some unknown reason pull it together on schedule. This week has been completely different. T'was interruption after long phone call after "Can you do something for me..." and so on right up until around lunchtime today when the update was really taking shape. Don't quite know what happened or what keystroke or shortcut I hit but the entire fucking thing vanished. No amount of mashing undo-undo-undo-undo-undo-undo-undo was bringing the fucker back. There's a lot of stuff in an update and I've learned over the years to never delete anything so with enough fucking around, digging through the recycle bin, sorting files by date etc. I managed to cobble it all back together as it was... I think. And that's the masterpiece you guys are about to enjoy! Check it...

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One night this guy and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open his door his girlfriend says "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". "Give me some examples" the guy replies. "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then she says, coyly "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
--
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed". I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.
--
I was walking down the street today when suddenly I bumped into a cross-eyed man. He said "You need to look where you're walking!" "Fuck off" I said "You need to walk where you're looking".
--
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me "You need a piece of tail". I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
--
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
--
Two women are having coffee. First woman (in confidential tone) "I'm going to have a boob job". Second woman: "That's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached". First woman: "Wow. I can't imagine your husband as a blonde".
--
The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he had anything to say. "No judge, there is nothing I care to say" answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra".
--
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
--
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that" she fumed "I am being robbed!"
--
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers "How?"
--
What's the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!

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Looks AWESOME!The Defenders Official Netflix Trailer Drops & The Marvel Superhero Team-Up Looks Epic - LOL What The!?Surprise Visitor At The Glory Hole - Deepest ThroatMeet Pervypixie. Her Gag Reflex Is About As Dead As The Look In Her Eyes As She Lets Her Bf Fuck Her Throat Like A Worn Out Fleshlight. Her Talent And Skilful Devotion To The Fellatic Arts Has Earned Her A Spot In My Heart. - Fully ExposedIt Seems Like Bella Thorne May Have Pulled Out Her Nipple For The Paparazzi, Because Of Course She Did! - *SNAP*Bodybuilder Attempts A Flip And Breaks His Neck - Celeb ButtsCelebrity Butts #16 - Goes ToplessTove Lo Goes Topless At Lollapalooza 2017 - Nice PussyGreat Set Of Sexy Porn Star Keisha Grey Showering Her Nice Tits And Nice Ass!

InhumanInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Porn BlooperSlut Gets One To The Face While Fucking, And I Don't Mean Cumshot - Leaked PicsShe Said She Wanted To Try New Things... Now She Regrets It... - Record GangbangWelcome To Geisha Training School - Spicy Latina'sLatina's Like A Little Spice In Their Men's Jizz - Bombs Away!Once In A Lifetime Cumshot: Bring Headgear Next Time! - Phunny PixPhun's Funny Pictures DCLXIX - - Seriously?Wait... She'll Eat Her Own Ass, But Hates Cum? Seriously?

Cooked IndianHe Falls Into A Boiler, I Let The Officials Tell The Story - Groupie TitsDarya Savishkina Is Some Model Who Is Naked In Some Legendary Recording Studio Where Jimmy Hendrix Recorded - Boomshakalaka!Re-Fuckin-Jected - Decent KnockersAisleyne Horgan Wallace Showering Topless In Outdoor Shower - Falling OUTRita Ora Bending Over In A Bikini While On Vacation In Jamaica! That Downblouse View Of Her Getting Down The Latter Is Quite Nice And I Like Her Butt Too. - Real AmateursSome Of Their Dads Are Going To Be Turning Over In Their Graves, The Others Are Gonna Be Put There When They See These Pictures - Teen DefiledLittle Girl Just Turned 18 And It's Time To Try Anal - PunishedThief Yells Like Bitch While Beating

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
--
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
--
My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit: pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock. Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us".

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away" suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea". They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognised him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again".

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."

WATER PARK IS GUY SPEAK FOR SLIDES AND OUTSTANDING PERVING OPPORTUNITY

WATER PARK PERVING 04

Previously on Orsm: WATER PARK PERVING #3 - WATER PARK PERVING #2 - WATER PARK PERVING #1 - MORE >>

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know". "I'm very sorry, officer" replies the tourist "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom". "Ah, yes" said the policeman. "Just follow me".

He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there" points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like". The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir" replied the police officer "that is what we call the French Embassy".

ORSM VIDEO


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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do" said the Doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".

Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So now he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"

"For fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

CHUBBIES: FOR GENTLEMEN WHO PREFER A CUSHIER RIDE

CHUBBIES 14

CHUBBY GIRLS previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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ORSM VIDEO

There was a man in who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was a law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No!" said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now".

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor".

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ORSM VIDEO

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The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice" the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no" said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no" said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

The man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with "Ahhh umm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice" she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!'"

ON YER BIKE!

GIRLS ON BIKES 04

Previously on Orsm: BABES ON BIKES #3 - BABES ON BIKES #2 - BABES ON BIKES #1 - MORE >>

I'm so angry right now!!

I had to leave the house pick up a few things. I run my errand and I get back to my house to find 3 police cars and 6 or 7 cops in my home. The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something.

So I'm stuck outside with this damn cop and they are inside searching through all my shit. They checked inside my closets under my mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on.

I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop in my bedroom yells "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching".

Then I yell back "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He shouts at me the "You wanna go to jail?" thing so I shut up and watch.

Finally, one of the other police officers look down at his phone and he shouts "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 08 17

OLDER SHITE: 10th August - 3rd August - 27th July - 20th July - 13th July - 6th July - 29th June - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. 

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the man and said "Do you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do". 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aint". said the man. 

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute" returned the old man, in an even tone. 

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply. 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied "Been married to your sister for 48 years".

33 CHICKS WITH DARKER NIPPLES THAN YOU WERE EXPECTING THEM TO HAVE

DARK NIPPLES 06

Previously on Orsm: DARK NIPS #5 - DARK NIPS #4 - DARK NIPS #3 - DARK NIPS #2 - DARK NIPS #1 - MORE >>

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Preacher stays... I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Fuck him!'"

DULCIE... PROBABLY NOT HER REAL NAME BUT NO ONE CARES - JUST WANT TO SEE HER GET dtf!

DULCIE

Previously on Orsm: LEANNA - ASHLEY - OLYMPIA - ALLY - TRINITY - JULIETT - GRACE - AMELIA - ROSE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

Its 2am and the traveling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.

"She's got to be taller than 6 foot and weigh no more than 100 lbs" he tells the desk clerk.

30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady. "I'm here for your pleasure, sir" she says. "What do you weigh and how tall are you?" She replies "6'2 and 97 lbs". "Perfect" he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor".

As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog. The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Only a cunt would not.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Should I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will bodyslam your scrawny self. Unlikely you'll survive too. Why? Well Ray is so fat that he lost the 'Lardass' role in Stand By Me because he refused to barf up all the pies.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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