Welcome to Orsm.net. Cancel my subscription - I'm sick of your issues.

Howzit? Everyone miss me? Come on... you know you did.

For the last few weeks every time I've turned on the radio there it is. Stop at the traffic lights and some dick seems to have it cranking in their car. I went shopping, the juice store had it blaring and all the 'trendy' clothes shops - same deal. Inescapable. What am I talking about? That 'apple bottom jeans' song. I could rant on about how bad that shit is but lets just skip it and say - if you like it then you're a retard and suck at life.

Moving on... my bad habit of not opening snail mail caught up with me rather embarrassingly today. Busy working away I hear a knock at the door. "Hi" I say to the smiling man in the power company uniform. "Hi," he says "do you know your electricity bill is late? You should nave received a couple of disconnection notices..." "Ooops! Ummm...?". This seems to be a common thing lately - last week my mobile phone got disconnected for a couple of hours until I started getting "Dude, do you have a new number?" emails and paid it.

The question here is: why am I so bad at paying bills? The answer has something to do with the fucking mountain of papers, packages and unopened mail located to my immediate right. Stuff flows in every single day and anyone that is either above 18, has a mortgage, consumes services, owns a car, has ever put their name and address anywhere, is a member of some sort of club or organisation, and so on, or any combination of those likely suffers exactly the same shit. Surely there has to be a better way. And yes I know all about direct debit but if they just 'took' I would never check the bills and live in constant fear of being ripped off by an evil billing computer somewhere.

Next... I've been limping around like a little bitch this week after sustaining a boxing injury. Now before get carried away conjuring some fanciful story about how I went down after a marathon sparring session with a heavyweight opponent I'll just come clean and say it's my knee that's hurt... apparently due to wearing thongs [flip-flops?] whilst belting away. Turns out that wearing incorrect footwear CAN actually cause you to lose balance thus extending the knee in the wrong direction resulting in a limp. Whodathunkit?

Funnily enough that's my second injury since getting the bag six or seven weeks ago. The first one was due to not stretching/warming up. I put my gloves on, walked outside and started swinging. Next thing you know my chest and shoulder killed for a week. Once again - whodathunkit? At this point I can only imagine what the next one will be but I'm going to take a punt now and say the rickety old pergola to which it's attached will collapse due to vibration [also known as my super-human strength], most likely inflicting severe head injuries. Place your bets.

Still got some space to fill so I shall now proceed to dazzle you with a summary of my less than cutting edge, yet enjoyable, weekend...

With the arrival of the stinky cleaning ladies Friday morning it was necessary to vacate the house as fast as possible due to their intensely strong body odour [I kid you not - my eyes watered] so I devoted some hacking time towards the Bougainvillea I mentioned last week. As it turns out it wasn't one plant acting alone - six or seven of them had conspired together in one big, sharp monstrosity. After an hour of butchering, bleeding and swearing it was finally reduced to stumps so all that remains is getting a 4wd with a rope to tear the fuckers out. Last laugh coming my way any day now.

Had a mate's thirtieth birthday party on Sat night. Didn't know most of the people so a couple of us sat nonchalantly in the corner ogling the lamb cooking on the spit. It was literally three hours of salivating torture watching this beautiful beast turn slowly over the coals before a garlic and rosemary flavoured payoff around midnight. Absolutely fucking delish! Seriously need to get one of them installed in the backyard so I can rotiss it up at will.

Sunday was Sunday. Used the morning to clean the car, the afternoon to clean the house and the evening to play with the camera - this time under the Narrows Bridge in the city. As usual over 200 images shot and barely one that I actually like... thought I was supposed to be getting better...? Try again this weekend I guess - sooner or later I'll get it right...

Okay now would be a good time to cease with the blog stuff and get on with the update... so go on - check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Perfecto Blonde - Build-a-Lot - Booty-ful- Euro Girls - Breastacular - Avalanche Surfing - Halle's Berries - Crazed

Naturale Boobs - Ur Emo - Matrix Guy - SO Dumped - Rebecca Romjin - Bad Mischa Bad - Viagra Lovers - Jedi Gym

Motivational - Gonna Tickle - Honk Honk - GF Strips - Ugliest Mums - Perez Pokies - Nip Slip - Got The Herpes

The Australian Gold Coast Surf Classic was won this week under controversial circumstances... by a Burmese on a wardrobe.
--
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off!
--
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course I am," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am - a fucking stunt driver?"
--
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick CUT'"
--
I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!
--
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

WE ALL LOVE SAMMY CRUZ

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you so late getting home?" they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." "What did you watch?' asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." The robot stood motionless.

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

ORSM VIDEO

Hottie Brunette

Hilarious Porn Dub

Man Eats Beating Heart

Ferrari Challenge

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tyre on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tyre and for her just to wait there.

"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "How's about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tyre." The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.

"Hey, shit head, I told you to get over here and change this tyre or I'm going to kick your ass." The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tyre. Then while I screw your woman I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."

Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" "Nah, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"

BEIJING FAST FOOD - WHO'S HUNGRY?

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

CELEB UP SKIRTS

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READER MAIL
There's been some pretty decent mail submissions this week but greedy guts that I am I'd be happier if there were more. You guys are slacking it! To make up for this rare slump in form it's only fair that everyone immediately drops what they're doing and takes some time to send something my way. I don't care what it is - if you can staple it to an email then it's worth sending so hurry the fuck up and get it happening!

Michael wrote: Subject: Pissed off employee Hey hey. I work at an auto electrical workshop in Gympie, just north of Brisbane. Was installing a set of spotlights on a landcruiser today and noticed this written on the back of one of the bits of paper inside the sealed packet. Someone at the Hella factory was having an off day, what do you reckon?

Terry wrote: Subject: Ladies, we are looking for your assistance here.... Can We ask a favour? (Hope it's not too much to ask!) A group of friends are spending their holidays doing a 'Fun Run' across the country. They are travelling light and are looking for places along the way where they can crash for a few days. I thought maybe you could help out by welcoming them and making them feel at home. I took the liberty of giving them your phone number and address. They left three days ago and you can probably expect them to arrive sometime in the next 3 weeks. To help you recognize them (I don't want you to be taking in complete strangers), I attach a photo of them. Thanks.

BJ wrote: Subject: Fly HEY man thought I'd share some funny shit with you guys... lol as I was doin my DAILY T-N-A surffin and ya a little smokin too lmao... but any way i came upon this little thing that stood out like a FLY ON YOU STAKE... take a look

<with held> wrote: Subject: funny pics just another photo to sum up the adequacy of our oriental friends abililty to both drive safely and genius creations. i would never have come up with the idea a tennis hat could couple as a pair of sunnys. keep it up my nippy friends.

Damien wrote: Subject: Scotty's little Scania Dear Mr. Orsm, Some pics from ol' mate taking a dump down at Wastestream in Kwinana. Thought you might have a use for it. Wouldn't have happened in a Mack!

glenn wrote: Subject: cool fire hey orsm send you some pics of a fire in fire pit at a friends house took'em in negative hope yo like'm and hope to se'em on the site by the way i've been a long time fan so keep on keeping on!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Awesome. Last week up at Hervey Bay I came across this beauty. Check out the donks on this!!! Still not as much pulling power as this ORSM Site Cheers. Hide my details please..

Terry wrote: Subject: DUE TO BUDGET CUTS Due To Budget Cuts, This Is Your New Cubicle.

<with held> wrote: Subject: data recovery porn Hi Mr Orsm, Been away for a couple of weeks so this is the first chance I have had to send in some more pictures. Just to re-cap some dude brought a pc in to the store where I work to get data recovery done following a crash. Made the mistake of telling us that there were some adult pictures on the computer and this is what we found. It makes you wonder how smart some guys are if they tell you this and dont expect to find pictures of Angie <removed> posted all over the internet lol.

Pagey wrote: Subject: Zimbabwe, Giraffes & Lioness Was checking out your site after my 3 week South African/Zimbabwe sojourn and I thought I'd send you an adjunct to the ZIM$ menu that was in your last update. The attached has the USD$ equivalent alongside it, so as you can see the nonsense that is the Zim economy. Also, there's a pic of a couple of Scandinavian ambassadorial staff who are based in Harare but were on leave in Victoria Falls. They ordered one bottle of wine only and it came to ZIM $1,000,000,000 including tip (about AU $20). May as well be Monopoly money. Oh, and two sunrise pics with giraffes as well as an early morning pic of a lioness on a path, misty breath evident. You might like, seeing as you're into your photos. Wanky, but good in my opinion.

Johnee wrote: Subject: Striped Icebergs ! ! Icebergs in the Antarctic area sometimes have stripes , formed by layers of snow that react to different conditions. Blue stripes are often created when a crevice in the ice sheet fills up with melt water and freezes so quickly that no bubbles form. When an iceberg falls into the sea , a layer of salty seawater can freeze to the underside. If this is rich in algae , it can form a green stripe. Brown, black and yellow lines are caused by sediment, picked up when the ice sheet grinds downhill towards the sea.

Greg wrote: Subject: Telescopic tower crane The Grove GTK1100 telescopic tower crane... [read more]

Sami wrote: Subject: losing a bet This is what happens when you lose a bet on a KARRATHA mine site Some folks got it, some don't. He don't. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: the girl from Cal K the girl in the pictures sent in by Cal k with the subject amazing is a girl I've talked to a few times on a site called orfay, taken from another older site yafro. She posts pics on there under the screen name susielikesgirls. and yeah she used to have tons of pics like those on there. Big time exhibitionist. But hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. Here's a few more she had posted on there before and sent my way. oddly enough I met my ex on that site, it ended badly and I sent you come pics of her last year, lol.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen'. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen'".

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"

ORSM VIDEO

Shake That Badonkadonk

Shark Surfer

Snake Charmer

Synchronisation

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realising he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.  While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico! Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "...and all we have is orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews, and grape jews."

BROOKE BELLE

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GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no..." he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him" she whispered... "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room".

ORSM VIDEO

Boning

Bear Cub Boxing

If I Was A Terroist

Jolly Fat Boy

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?" The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because you're in a hardware store you dick head!"

RANDOM SHITE RS... a veritable, eclectic plethora of irrefutable whateverness... plus a whole bunch of other big words that may or may not be pertinent. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

He is 80, she is 20. It was the talk of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying "This is amazing! How do you do it at your age?". He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running!"

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You're amazing, how do you do it?". He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running!"

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running!" The nurse said, "Well you better change the oil... this one is black!"

MRAP CARNAGE

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

ORSM VIDEO

1 Wilderbeast Vs 4 Rhinos

Just Unloading The Excavator

FB In RL

Big Fucking Bass

Oh wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anyone ever suss out cleaning this oven except me?

- Check out the site archives... coz they suuuure checkin' you out...
- Next update will be the day after Wednesday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait until you're not looking and tie your shoe laces together. You'll fall over, probably wont get hurt but what you don't know is that Ray's a 5th Dan in knot tying and it'll take you hours to untangle them. That's just what happens when you mess with Ray.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please refrain from angering me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.