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orsmupdate 2018.05.17-19.35

Welcome to its clealry Laurel.

Whilst it hasn't been 'one of those' weeks it hasn't been far off. I've been battling an ailing PC for a while now. The fucking mouse has been skipping and not only is it fucking me off, it is drastically slowing down my flow. No amount of uninstalling programs, disabling various settings and so on made much difference, the issue persisted. Not that big a deal though because, as LITERALLY EVERYONE knows, I am a computer God and all that stood between me and resolution was a simple format and Windows reinstall. So, after a lot of careful backing up, digging through the long list of programs I use and saving configs, the trigger was nervously pulled and the reinstall began. Its back up and running in no time and I straight away set about reinstalling everything and then... the fucking mouse prob start shuddering again. Fucking fucker. Wipe the drive again, start from scratch. This happened a couple more times. Took the few spare minutes here and there whilst the computer was doing its thing to tidy my desk. Then it twigged. About a month ago I cleaned up all the computer cables - neatly bundled everything together so none were hanging down [ie. easily grabbable by little hands] and got rid of some unnecessary ones... including the extension cable for the mouse thingy which I didn't think was necessary. What I'd done was move the little USB receiver from close to where the mouse lives to far enough away it couldn't get a good signal which caused it to skip, shit and shudder. Put the cable back and the problem was no more. No windows reinstall needed after all. So umm yep... like I was saying... a computer God.  

And now here's a brand-new, brilliant update from a guy with a sore shoulder. Check it...


Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the university "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies "In the region of $125k a year, depending on the benefits package". The interviewer inquires "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies "Yeah, but you started it".
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. "Doc, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor" says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!" says the doctor. "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called sheep fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days... and each evening they had sheep fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny" she said "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it" he responded proudly. "Well, that doesn't matter" explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means". "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start".
A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. "I'm gonna have one more beer" the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd "and if my horse ain't back where I left him when I'm done, I'll do here what I had to do in Houston". The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can't help but ask "Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?" The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man "I had to walk home".
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you". The frog is thrilled. "This is great!" "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No" says the psychic. "In biology class".
A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mum and says "Mummy, why does the girl wear white?" His mum replies "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life". The boy thinks about this, and then says "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied "Thank God he's in bed!"

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Donald was walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when an assassin steeped forward and aimed a gun. A Secret Service Agent, new on the job, shouted "Mickey Mouse!" This startled the would-be assassin and he was captured by two other Secret Service Agents before he could shoot. Later, the Secret Service Agent's supervisor took him aside and asked "What in the heck made you shout Mickey Mouse?" Blushing, the Agent replied "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck".
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind " the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised her laugh!"
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh".


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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their 'secret' base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying 'you-did-not-see-a-base!' briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"



HOT GIRLS TANNING previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighbourhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.

During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighbourhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.

Everything has changed over the years.

Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's; where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up.

Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?

A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky" Kaplan says "but I used to live in this neighbourhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks "Vas dey black vingtips?" "They were indeed" Kaplan only now recalls.

"And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?" "Yes" says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted".

"And you vanted taps on the heels only?" "Yes, yes" says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says "Dey'll be ready Vendsday".


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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

TOWER: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me".
TOWER: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me".
TOWER: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
AIRCRAFT: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".



SENSATIONAL CAMEL TOE ACTION previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - MORE >>

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-I worked geek squad once and a customer told me his iPod gave his jeep a virus and that's why he was having engine trouble now.

-After doing a client very small $1,000 ecommerce site, where everything went well and the site was live with no problems, everyone was happy. A few weeks later he starts complaining because it's not as custom or functional as his high-profile competitor's, including their very extensive ecommerce sections. I explained to him they probably spent well over tens of thousands of dollars on their websites and may even have professional web developers on staff full time to manage it. His reply? "Why can't you just do it? You promised a professional ecommerce website. What's the difference?"

-I worked in the mountains for a while. A number of our summer season customers asked if the patches of white stuff on the higher parts of the mountains was sand.

-Once, while working in the travel section of a bookstore, a customer asked for a globe of Britain.

-Had a tenant of a housing association try to call me out at 2am one morning saying his window wouldn't shut. I ask him why he was calling at that time and how long was that he couldn't shut the window for. he said he hadn't slept in that room for a while because the window wouldn't shut; it had been like that for two years!

-I just started serving at a small but nice Italian/Greek wine bar. The menu is mostly small plates. An older couple came in and sat at a table in the other server's section. I just happened to pass by as the woman was saying "I want a Greek Platter but I don't do olives, I don't do hummus, I don't do cheese and bread hurts my stomach". The Greek Platter is feta, olives, hummus, pita bread and artichokes.

-"This ham and cheese omelette tastes like egg. If I wanted eggs I would have ordered eggs".

-I worked fast food and a customer wanted a cheeseburger, medium fry, and medium drink. I said ok I will ring you up a #1 combo meal. This angered the lady who told me that she didn't want the combo meal just a medium drink, a medium fry, and a cheeseburger. I told her that it would be the same order but this would save her money, but she got even more furious so I politely punched them in separately.

-I was at Starbucks, waiting in line to order coffee. The woman in front of me asked the barista "Does your mocha have coffee in it? Because I don't like coffee". The barista answered that yes, Starbucks mochas -in fact ALL mochas- come with coffee in them. But if she doesn't like coffee, he would be happy to make her a hot chocolate instead. She replied "No, I want a mocha. But make mine without coffee".

-Had a customer the other night complain there was a bone in his T-bone steak, I went out and spoke to him, he said it was too boney! Replaced the perfectly cooked T-bone with an eye fillet.

-I saw an outraged piece of white trash storm into my local AT&T store as I was shopping. She ran up to the counter and screamed at the salesman for selling he a defective iPhone. She said that she had only used it for two days without charging when it suddenly shut off. She plugged it up, even hit it against her table, but nothing would make it turn back on. the salesman smiled, took the phone, held down the lock button, and the iPhone turned on. The lady flipped him off and ran out.

-Guy: "So a Rueben burger comes with swiss, sauerkraut, and thousand island?" Me: "That's right!"
Guy: "What does that mean?" Me: "Um, well, instead of corned beef with swiss, sauerkraut and thousand island dressing, it-" Guy: "OH! Thousand island DRESSING!"

-Working in Hotels I have meet quite a few dim bulbs. One night a woman stormed into the lobby screaming about how our parking garage did not have enough clearance for her jacked up hummer. I explained that there is uncovered parking across the street, and if her Hummer did not fit in the garage, she could park there. She got irate about how it was unsafe and demanded I "Go outside and raise the parking structure with a stick or something". I politely explained that was physically impossible for me to do, and she said "Well, then you shouldn't be working with people!"

-One time I had a customer who couldn't understand what pork was. They kept asking if it was "like chicken or beef?" which we assumed meant they were asking which is more similar to. Turns out, they were "like" as a space filler and they were actually wondering if our pork ribs were from chickens or cows. They were shocked to discover that it was from pigs, as they thought pigs only produced bacon or ham.

-I worked at a helpdesk. One time a lady called in complaining she "charged her internet all night, and now it won't work once she unplugged it from the modem"...

-A 30-ish business-looking man had been doing his coffee business at the stand, when he approached the counter, holding the carton of homogenized milk. "What's homo milk? Is this milk from GAY COWS?!" he demands, utterly seriously, even angrily.

-I didn't have to deal with it, but it was amusing listening to a waiter at an IHOP try to explain to a customer why they couldn't order "Never ending pancakes" to go.

-I had a guest order spaghetti last night. Complains to the server. No... not flavour. It tasted great. Not portion size... that was fine too. No... my spaghetti is too short. I need to modify my menus so that guests know they're getting "Chicken noodle soup noodles instead of spaghetti". Apparently this man was offended by a 12" noodle.

-I work in the maintenance department of a large hotel in Ohio. Have had a guest flip out because her room did not have a TV. I told her to turn around, she spun in a circle (NO lie) I then told her to face the exact opposite direction from where she was and look on the wall above the fireplace. She did and said "Oh, I thought that was one of those fancy digital picture frames".

-I made baby back ribs for a member's banquet. After the function a guy pulls me aside and says:
"Don't lie to me. Did you boil those ribs?" "No I did not. They were started on the grill and then slow roasted for about three and a half hours". "I'm not stupid you know. Did you see how easily the meat came off the bone? The ribs shouldn't be like that. If you cook them the right way you need to bite into it and pull the meat away from the bones". Sometimes you just can't win.

-Back in college, I worked over the summer for a tour bus company in Washington, DC. While driving past the Washington Monument, a woman asked me "How do they get all the flags to fly in the same direction?"

-Client phoned me on a Sunday morning complaining about the shower would not turn off, so he had to shut it down in the loft to isolate it to stop it. On the way there I picked up a spare shower as I thought it was definitely broken. Turns out he thought he was actually turning it on, not off.

-I work at the Philadelphia Zoo. One day I was carrying a chicken to the exercise yard. A man was eagerly following me waiting to see what animal I had inside the carrier. The chicken was reluctant to leave her carrier at first, and when she finally exited the carrier I said "Good bird". Then the man asked me "Why are you calling it a bird if it's a chicken?" I didn't know how to respond without making him sound like a moron.

-I had a client send me a screenshot of his website to point out a problem. What he did was take an actual photo of the screen with his phone, sync it with his computer, paste the photo into a word document, and finally sent me the word document with the picture from his phone.

-Working at Petco. A lady called saying that her Labrador was throwing up blood, and "Do you guys sell a pill that stops this?" I gave in to the undisciplined side of my head and irritatedly responded that if her child was throwing up blood she probably wouldn't be going to Walgreens to find a drug for it, she'd be going to the doctor's and she should probably do the same for her dog.

Sawses here, here and here.

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A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified" says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you".

"But wait" says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking". "Then show me" replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great you stopped winking" says the interviewer "but we can't have our salesmen womanising all over the country".

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer. "Oh, that" sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"



Previously on Orsm: STOCKINGS #2 - STOCKINGS #1 - MORE >>

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!

"What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes".

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!

"War wound??" "Nah my zipper's stuck"


RANDOM SHITE 2018 05 17

OLDER SHITE: 10th May - 3rd May - 26th April - 19th April - 12th April - 5th April - 29th March - MORE >>

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt" the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says "Sounds good to me" and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one".

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies "Okay" and, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

Definitely" the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle and wins the match!

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all".

"Nice to meet you" the golfer replies "I'm Father Gleason".



NICE TITS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice "Easy William, we won't be long... easy, boy".

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy".

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William".

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa!"

Thanks" said the grandpa "but I'm William. The little cunt's name is Kevin".


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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left".

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mummy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven".

The little boy replied with a chuckle "You're fucking me, right? You can't even find the Post Office!"






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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and curtsy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.