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Welcome to Orsm.net. Complexly profound.
So much for the quiet January I'd promised myself. My exact words were "I'm not booking every fucking minute of every fucking day like the past year has been". Poor English it were but the fact remains there was nowhere near enough downtime. The constant must-hurry-up-and-finish-because-I-have-somewhere-to-be has set an annoying precedent for the year ahead. The next few months are filling up rapidly and that's without the random things that will inevitably just pop up. Its times like these I wish for a simple life, a 9 to 5 job, no commitments and the ability to say no. So I'm going to do that - I've already put the kibosh on a highly gay country music 'performance' tomorrow night. Why? Because I fucking hate country music. I'd rather jump off a bridge with a gun and put a bullet in my head halfway down to make sure the job is done than have to endure some clown in a cowboy hat twanging away. Country is to music what women's tennis is to sport. It's annoying although people seem to like it and that's a sign there's something wrong with them.
Alright let's move on to other events. Starting with Thursday - the moment the pen went down on last week's update I was up and out the door to try and soak up what was left of the heat and Australia Day holiday. Destination was a friends place for beer and some light socialising. It wasn't long after that it began to rain. How it goes from almost 42°C to raining I have no idea but it was a nice way to break up the heatwave. Traditionally the evening has a huge fireworks display in the city over the river and I usually find some way to watch from somewhere however getting drenched or struck by lightning didn't really appeal. Decided instead to camp at home, crank up the aircon and do sweet fuck all.
T'was back to full heat Friday and thought it would be a good way to test myself so jumped on the bike and punched out 20 kilometres before coming home to walk the pooch. All the usual shit followed from there - activities pertaining to replenishment of fridge and cupboard areas and the afternoon spent parked at the PC working working. The magic of that night was wholly to do with the GF being away and ability to watch whatever film I wanted to. There's been a distinct lack of anything violent or gory since the cohabitation commenced several months ago and this was rectified with Final Destination 5. Highly recommend based on the gymnast death scene alone.
To punish myself for being liberal with M&M's the night before it was back on the bike and back in the swelter for another 25 kilometres. From there it was destination dog beach. Had high hopes for a bikini bonanza but it was disappointingly quiet. Spent the rest of the day hiding in an artificially cooled house, again feverishly hacking away at the spread sheet crap I mentioned last week before heading off to dinner at friends place for a few quiet wines.
Early start Sunday to beat the heat [yes it's been fucking hot here] and wash two cars. Some [read: me] might say it's ironic that despite being particularly anal when it comes to beach or any other type of sand entering a vehicle, I had to spend so much time removing it. Immediately following this three hour orgy of beautification it was in the shower and out the door for a mates birthday lunch. Good food, great company and a fun time had by all but I unfortunately lost count of how many times I was asked when the pitter patter of little feet would be heard coming from my/our direction. Matter of fact I lost count how many times I was asked over the whole weekend and I'm convinced this is payback from the universe. For years I've seized upon every "I'm not feeling well" or "I have a headache" and "my back is sore" to accuse various chick friends of being with child. And no this is not a subtle hint that any such being exists.
And with that let's get on with things. I have absolutely no doubt you guys will enjoy this update more than you've ever enjoyed anything in your entire lives. Big call? That's unpossible. Check it...
Too Addictive - Sexy Mexican - Weird Boobage - Hottest Chicks - Instant Regret - Antwon Snaps - Hot Lesbians
Sweet Titties - Repugnant - Sympathy Wank - Hostess Facial - Oh Hell Yes! - Hawk Wins - Butt Sex - Baaaad Vaj
Feisty Slut - Here'll Do - Bikini Bootay - Beach Tits - Demented - Horrific - Hulk Porn - Phone Sexy - Good Deed
Google: 'define an english person'.
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When in India recently I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself
'What a brilliant idea... why don't we have them in Australia?'
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My girlfriend I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again!
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
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A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who is eating prawns. Every time he eats one, he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window. Eventually she gets angry and pulls the emergency cord. The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you infidel slut". She laughs and says "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers you'll get 20 years, you towel-headed camel-fucker".
ORSM
VIDEO
DUMB CRIMINALS
-A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
-A defendant facing drug possession charges on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he took a five minute recess to compose himself.
-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
-Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your fucking head off!" The defendant paused then quickly added "if I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
-Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
-Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.
-The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a line-up of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes". The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out "That isn't what I said".
-In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
-In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
-In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
-Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted "Yes officer, that's the woman I robbed".
-Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
-An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
-A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.
-A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants" said police. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
-In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
| EVERY HOLE PENETRATED |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".
"I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right" replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says "What the FUCK would they want with a plasterer??!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes".
So the woman freed the frog and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" "That's okay" said the woman.
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me".
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you!" The woman said "That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine".
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish. She answered "I'd like a mild heart attack".
Moral of the story: Women are bitches.
| GIRLS KISSING GIRLS |
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A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000".
| BUSTED CAR SEX |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the magic happen!
Will wrote:
Subject: Dating profile
I just came across this and thought you might like it!
I'm guessing this is pretty typical of most womens experiences on dating websites. She does come off as a touch conceited though. -Orsm |
JD wrote:
Subject: Where is the cat??????
In case you
are bored! Do not share this photo unless u
find the cat ..... where is the cat? It is there, took me about 30 seconds to find it.
It's definitely there. Found it in about 5 seconds and I only say this so everyone knows how fucking amazing I am. -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: More funny pics
What are they trying to sell!!!
Does this count as a photobomb? -Orsm |
tyrone wrote:
Subject: Random shite!
Thought you could use this on random shite. My mate in the marines went to London for a farewell, met up with this bird on the way in for a drink, smashed her back doors in and this is the result of the aftermath. He tell me she's a redhead, I've never met a redhead that doesn't like to fuck. Cheers pal! Love the site, keeps morale high of myself and the other lads in my troop! |
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freak boy wrote:
Subject: shark attack
hi orsm. a local surfer was bitten by shark at redhead beach near newcastle, I didnt think much of it suspecting that the local paper beat up the story somewhat. that is until this photo did the rounds. its fucked up. dont know how much i will enjoy my next surf
That's going to leave a scar. -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Tats
Where you have your tattoo's says far more about you that what they are!
Can't argue with any of them. -Orsm |
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: South of France
Mr. Orsm.... Sorry, but your South of France pic was photoshopped. Here's the original complete with umbrella in the background.
Very good photoshop. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader mail
Saw this in dandenong. No details pls. |
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Robb wrote:
Subject: for the 'yay, I fixed it' category...
Hey Orsm, as a service tech, I see all sorts of crazy shit at people's homes.. This is Charlestown NH.. Gotta keep those bugs out, you know.. You rock. |
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JD wrong:
Subject: Baywatch - Kaap styl
You've scarred me so, I'm passing this on, as I ain't gonna be the only one.
She's an Easter egg on legs. Now I want chocolate. -Orsm |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Christian Single Ad
There's just something odd about this. First, I'm listening to Soundgarden's "Let Me Drown," and the other part is ... that chick is totally a slut. |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Funny
From the toilet in the 'North Star' - Steventon, UK.
Sounds like hate shitting to me. -Orsm |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: Too soon?
Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday... |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Costaplenty Concordia |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What Really Happened (XXX)
Understandable then. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
here some pics of the ex she owes me $$$$ so fuck it. ps dont show contact details
MY EYES! MY EYES! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stuff
Get on mate, Happy Australia Day! A few pics of bootleg gear..... Hide details as always! Keep on keepin' on - still making Thursdays worth getting up for!! |
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Mick wrote:
Subject: Found on Facebook
Found on Facebook. Cricket Yobbo's with obviously some closet issues. Great Site, keep up the good work
It's not gay until someone swallows. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi Id like to send these pics in
This are pictures of my ex colombain girlfriend. I nailed her but she was nailing someone else. so here she is. please withhold the email. thanks |
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Joseph wrote:
Subject: greeting Mr. Orsm
Hello sir, been about 5 years since i have shared something with your glorious site. But i think you'll enjoy these. found a cell phone in the snow today and it fired right up, these pics were on it and i just wanted to share with all. Better withhold my info so this dude doesn't see and beat my ass, but i doubt he is cool enough to know about orsm.net. |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: 23rd September 2010
Pass this on as I think it is necessary for all travellers on this highway need to be informed for their own safety.
Challenge driving. This sounds like fun. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hope this video entertains you!
i put this video on youtube nearly 6 years ago and i think it deserves more hits than it has, hope you like it enough to put it on your site! the guy in the middle had kno idea what was goin to happen to him! love the site! hide my details thanks! enjoy; [Youtube link here]
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Building the Sydney Harbour Bridge |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe
ZIMBABWE EMBASSY - Rigged or what ????? Classic
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".
| JOEY HART GETS HER PUSS OUT... JOY ENSUES |
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Sammy was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on
'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid a fortune?" "Shit!" he said "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"
RANDOM SHITE
An Irish kid, an Italian kid and a black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie" he says. "Okay". They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing!" says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie". "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm black. Is that true? "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen".
| LUSTFUL TYRA BANXXX |
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OCCUPY PGA TOUR
I am a member of golf's 99%. I play golf, but have not yet made it to the professional level. I have played the game for over 40 years, but have not really put in the practice time and study to be the best. I also probably do not have the skills to really get there either.
However, I now feel that I should be paid by the successful professionals for trying. It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are stronger and more skilled should make all that money. Oh sure, they have their charities that they give millions of dollars to but I'm sure that they write all that off on their tax returns to reduce paying their fair share. Is that fair?
They should pay for my golf, buy me new equipment and pay me some of their winnings. The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me!! Let's occupy a golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do pay for us who aren't as good. Whining should get us something, like media attention and sympathy from liberals!
ORSM
VIDEO
And that, my feathered friends, is it however advised you read the following...
- Check out the site archives. Thank me later.
- Next update will be next Thursday simply because.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray see to it that you're executed by scaphism.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay frosty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
