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Welcome to Orsm.net. Coo-coo-ka-cha.
I used to think people who practiced clean living were fools. Now I know for sure. Three times I've been sick since early April. One of them the incredible poop bug which struck down 6 of us so that doesn't really count but the other two were chest colds of some sort. Not a good start to the season and after spending most of last winter sick in some way, the idea of history repeating was all too much. Obviously the problem is the way I look after myself, low immune system etc, so decided to do something about it. This week I've tried quitting any and all unhealthy foods, caffeine and smokes whilst restarting exercise. Let's throw in acupuncture for good measure too. All sounds so simple when I write it like that whereas in reality it's been ridiculous. Don't think I'm even remotely within sight of the peak yet either. Headaches come and go, exhausted then fine, achy, colder than ever before and mood is all over the place like a mad woman's shit. Basically it's been a very cunty few days. Have had some dumb ideas in my time but attempting everything at once is up there. People have suicided for less. Note: caffeine was 'reintroduced' on day 3.
Of course there's been plenty of other crap to keep my mind off things. I've been trying to get a server migration [move Orsm from one server to another] done for the last month. It hasn't gone smoothly. Have done a few of these over the years and they never do. The goal is always to try and make the transition as seamless as possible so you guys would be totally unaware nor experience any interruption. Again, it never happens. Firstly, the admin guys had major problems getting some of the technical aspects sorted which at one point required a complete operating system install. That dragged out for a few weeks. When they had it done and it was time for me to make nameserver changes [tell the internet where to find Orsm], I was down south.
Spent most of last week trying to pick the right time before giving up and waiting for the weekend... then a million things popped up so decided to push it back again to Monday. Then when I went to make changes, I couldn't. The domain registrar had given me the wrong info so had to wait for them to fix it. But it was a public holiday in the eastern states. And on it went until someone saw my email and made the damn changes.
Should have been all sweet from that moment right? NOPE. Minutes later our fucking electricity went out. Dark for the next 3 fucking hours. When it came back on a sense of relief washed over me... until I realised my internet was down. Apparently the outage had taken out my ISP's local equipment which meant another 10 hours without internet. So incredibly frustrating. In the end the actual changeover went relatively glitch free and the only issues needing attention were minor. And what have I learnt? Nothing I didn't know.
Moving on. There was supposed to be one highlight of the week but -again- didn't go as planned. The GF was away for four whole days which was should have meant complete freedom to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Did it pan out that way? Of course not. Friday... supposed to begin with a 90 minute walk to the coast and back. Cancelled because sister was heading over for some tech help. Next was what I thought would be a short and sweet first-time acupuncture appointment. Strolled out of there almost 2 hours later. Thankfully the night was my own and wasted it watching the latest Die Hard film. If you haven't seen it yet - DO NOT BOTHER. Not sure why it's bad, it just is.
Grand plans for Saturday exercise went out the window with a 6.30am phone call. Mother dearest wanted a lift to work. Obliged and was subsequently roped into working there for a couple before escaping and heading over to the old house. Despite god knows how many trips over the last 2 months to collect little bits and pieces of our stuff which remain, stuff still remains. Headed home to unload and back that direction to collect more stuff and do the groceries. This is why I should never be allowed to shop by myself: started at one supermarket, then on to another [they each have different things I need/like], then to the fruit and veg shop, back to the supermarket because I forgot something, to the health food store, then back to the supermarket because I forgot some other stuff. Took so disturbingly longer than was necessary and think I'm growing a vagina.
Sunday... another fuckfest of mega proportions. Up early to embark on the healthy motherload of soup cook-up. Coming downstairs I realised I'd beaten me to the punch. Our gracious hosts are back in town at the moment and the stove plus all pots and pans were monopolised. There goes my morning... or so I thought. Out of nowhere the biggest pot anyone has ever seen appeared and shit was back on. That was my morning until 11-ish when it was time for my niece's 2nd birthday party. Nice and small, just immediate family and mostly low stress/drama except for the b-day girl herself who wouldn't go near anyone. Clearly a good judge of character already. Managed to spend a few hours working afterward and then it was airport time. GF and her sis had arranged a ride months ago... which fell through at the last minute thus depriving me of a quiet afternoon. Fucker. So off to the airport I headed. And then came the rain. The heaviest rain I've seen since the last time it rained that heavily, made all the more harder by badly fogged windows because the a/c is still busted. 2.5 hours it took from leaving home to arriving home and that, as they say, was my weekend.
Alright lets do this update. My brain is so fucking scattered at the moment I'm not even sure if the above or below will make sense to anyone but me. That said, it all SEEMS a-okay so if you don't like it try quitting everything you love and we'll talk. Until then shut the fuck up. Check it...
Germ Wars - OMFG Dumb - Model DOWN - Bog-In-A-Bag - We Made It!! - Mega Bitchy - Floating Piano - Shocking Mum
Pussy Pong - Breaking Point - Doggy - Techno Gran - Epic Tits - Crazy Naked - Incesty - Milking - Oh Shit - Oiled Up
Sick Slut - Miley Twerkin - Dude WTF - Srs Issues - Cum All Over - Destroy-her - Oops Sorry - AIDS Party - Wanker!
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks "What's wrong with Stout?" Bloke says "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint".
Barman says "12 pints of anything costs about the same". Bloke replies "Skint's my dog".
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Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says "How you doin'?" Paddy says "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing". Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you". They say "Get away with ya... prove it". Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin one?"
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The next sentence is wrong. The last sentence is right.
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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, a Dublin council has announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8 at the local swimming pool...
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In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your mother?" The little girl says "Forty". The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old are you?" The little girl says "I'm seven years old". The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant". The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
ORSM
VIDEO
A redneck named Bubba from Georgia decided to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he got to Franklin, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay. But first he had find a job!
Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day. They just happened to be looking for someone right then. But first, the log foreman took him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knew.
The foreman stopped the truck on the side of the road and pointed at a tree and said "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains". Bubba promptly answered "That thar's a white pine, and thar's 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".
The foreman was impressed! He put the truck back in gear and started driving again. He stopped about a mile down the road and pointed at another tree through the passenger window. The foreman asked the same two questions as before. This time it was a bigger tree of a different class.
The redneck replied "That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet". The foreman was really impressed with this good ol' boy. This redneck was quick and he got the answers right with-out using a calculator. But the foreman wanted to do one more test.
They drove a little further down the road and the fore-man stopped the truck again. This time, he pointed across the road and said "And what about that one?" Before the foreman could finish pointing, Bubba said "White oak, and 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spun the truck around and headed back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck is smarter than himself. As they neared the office, the foreman stopped the truck and asked Bubba to step out of the truck. The foreman handed him a piece of chalk and told him "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an "X" on the front of that tree!!" The foreman thinks to himself "Idiot, how will he know which is the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he walks around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He reaches up and places a white "X" on the trunk. The redneck then walked back to the foreman and handed him the chalk. "That thar's the front" Bubba said.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically "How in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replied "Cuz someone took a shit behind it!" Bubba got the job.
SHE SAID SHE GOT COLD FEET... |
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My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.
They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.
After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"
"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"
ORSM
VIDEO
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man" Peter said "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 - you took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game".
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain..." the old golfer blithered. "Well" said Peter "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy".
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So" booms God "You've been taking my name in vain...?". "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "Okay. Try me" replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?"
"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole "So, that is when you took my name in vain?"
"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..."
"Missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed God.
NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO -AREN'T- ALL ABOUT BIG TITS... |
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One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by. "Man, I'd sure like to fuck that!" "This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud" his new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it. Then another hot lady walks by. "Geez, I'd love to bang that!" "Fine, just take her behind the white cloud".
He does, and returns back to the bench. Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!" "Okay, just remember to go behind the white cloud". He gets back and sets down. "This is great! But I really have to take a shit!" "Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies. He gets up and does a number. "What do I wipe with?" "Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast. "I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife. "You're telling me! You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, and wiped your ass with the sheets!"
MY... WHAT AN ATHLETIC VAGINA YOU HAVE... |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the it happen!
Mike wrote:
Subject: Out of the mouth of ABU ISLAM a mussed read
This is very scary... keep reading and click on video, this is not only happening in Brussels but soon to come to a city near you if not yours. As the man said..... it is just a matter of time! Bundle them up in their rags and ship them out! Their trump card... breeding like cockroaches... The WHITE man has no balls... literally and figuratively... and no chance! Next stop... North America! Welcome to Belgistan. This is scary. This sure makes it hard to remain open minded and inclusive...
Not like we didn't already know. Nice of them to be so honest about it though. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bogan Rock Anthem
Hi Orsm. Please enjoy this classic parody on Bogans rockin out from Perth Comedian Xavier Susai :) It's fantastic. Please witheld my name and address |
Shags wrote:
Subject: "Idaho-Made" Semi 12 gauge
16 shot quad magazine Last year it sold for about $2300... now... $2500 00 and 120+ day waiting period to lay hands on one. It might be a good personal defense weapon for those of us maturing and with faltering vision. Click here.
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dwgardnerjr wrote:
Subject: Sports Drink
"According to Columbia Health, human male ejaculate contains fructose sugar, water, ascorbic acid (a.k.a. Vitamin C), citric acid, enzymes, protein, zinc and more. It reads like the list of ingredients for a protein-infused sports drink." To all you lasses out there, 'yer' welcome. Orsm, been with you long time, no shit. Best entertainment on the Internet.
As much as this is amazing news I think you're forgetting it's a superfood for guys too... -Orsm |
Will wrote:
Subject: Letters to the Editor....
From The Daily Telegraph's Letters to the Editor: "Sir, At one time homosexuality was a capital offence, then deportation and imprisonment became the sanctions. Over the years it was severely frowned upon, followed by merely not being talked about. It then became accepted and gradually approved of. It seems today it is almost fashionable. I am 74 and hope to be dead before it becomes compulsory." Donald Lewis, Gifford, East Lothian. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: something freaky for ya
Hey dude, Google the name "Edward Mordrake". Will freak you out. Cheers. No details pls
He was a hide and seek champion. -Orsm |
Adam wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I WONDER IF HE HAS ANY CANDY?
And now you guys know what my friend Ray drives. -Orsm |
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Nick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Rave On gets in trouble |
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r d wrote:
Subject: English is Hard
Taken in a Dunkin Donuts outside of Washington DC, USA. "de wheather" here has been rainy... On a different note, I think an "orsm thru the years" nostalgic post would be cool. Thoughts? Keep the deets private. You're the man. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Apology
Probably pretty accurate. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: the wonders of photoshop
Now you see it, now you don't...
Good photoshop. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: picture
Here is a funny picture that I took that I thought you might like. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: images
Orsm, Two images for you. 1 - on the back of a car "making my family" I liked it. 2 - container marking "Finally being dyslexic is starting to work for me". Use them if you can and any caption or not. |
xitz wrote:
Subject: Blood Pressure
Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men. My doctor's nurse (Michelle) takes my BP like this all the time. My pressure is normal.... 522 over 418. That's OK, isn't it??? I had to forward this to the people I know who are interested in the latest Health news... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: CockFest Drilling
Do you work for these guys ?
I might apply. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: The Valentine's Heart
We were all brought up thinking that the heart that you see for Valentine's day is similar to the Human Heart Organ. That can not be farther from the truth. Heart Organs are oblong and have a bunch of nasty looking arteries and ventricles coming out of them. The attached photo shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine heart. I hope you learned something today. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Real-Life Hobbit Hole House
An avid JRR Tolkien fan has taken the next great step... building his own Hobbit Hole. The house, a private museum cottage (built to museum quality standard) is home to a collection of memorabilia from Tolkien's books including Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. The house is located in Chester County, Pennsylvania and measures around 600 sq ft in size, located next to the collectors own home. The Hobbit Hole was designed by the owner and with the aid of Archer and Buchanan Architecture Ltd. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This is my cheating ex and her friend and a vid of me giving her a facial. Please hide my info
Drunk sluts. Thank you girls. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Long time viewer always look forward to the friday update! Heres a few pics of jessica simpson I thought you might like.. enjoy, hide my details please bro cheers!
These are from before she got fat but let's not complain. It is, after all, Jessica Simpson's vagina. -Orsm |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: New Orleans May 2013
For chillin... best effin city in the world No deets thanks...
I want those chili sauces! -Orsm |
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Donnie wrote:
Subject: pussy pics
downloaded my phone into my pc and these showed up. must have left my camera on the table at xmas party. hope to find that pussy at this years party.
Have absolutely no idea what that is. None. -Orsm |
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P G wrote:
Subject: Area 51 Photos (Classified)
And we always thought they were going to be big green monsters...........
Awww cute little aliens. Mum can we get one? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pics of the best thing ever... a hotwife! please hide details.
Very, very decent. Let's see some more! -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Rare Collection of Historical Photos
I wonder why Einstein is wearing women's shoes? Something they haven't told us... [continues] |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Death of Johannesburg
Requires a PDF reader of some sort. Get a free one here. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: COWS FOLLOWING A REMOTE CONTROLLED TOY CAR.
The sound track (Benny Hill) gets a little annoying after a while. I'm not sure who was herding who, here... I kept waiting for the cows to stomp the living crap out of the little truck.... but they were like curious cats. What a hoot! Darnedest thing I ever saw. Move 'em out...head 'em up! Rawhide! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Who's afraid of a little bridge?
I would be afraid to walk across never mind drive a little Fiat or Healey
Balls. -Orsm |
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adam wrote:
Subject: my girl again...
adam has a file to share with you
Really going for it isn't she? -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Teacher: Johnny, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Johnny: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths, Johnny.
Johnny: You don't know my father!
Mother: Little Johnny, come here.
Son: Johnny: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
Son: But but but... I don't even get my report card until tomorrow!
Mother: I know, but I'm working late tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your maths test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
Father: Yeah...
Son: On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
Father: And?
Son: If she can't make up her mind, how am I supposed to know the right answer!?
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born!!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, Miss. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Australia , Miss.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me...
ORSM
VIDEO
These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others houses and decide for yourselves..." Damn good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers - she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. "Not so fast" says the second "I got that beat".
And off they go to his house. He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door and all three step back in fright. Damn she's ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says "Sorry I've got you both beat..."
He goes to his house and walks right in with the other two following. There's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me" he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks. "Yes please" he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"
REBECCA LINARES |
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HOW COULD YOU
When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was 'bad', you'd shake your finger at me and ask "how could you?" But then you'd relent, and roll me over for a belly rub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.
Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a 'dog person'. Still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.
Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a 'prisoner of love'. As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.
There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog" and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.
Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your family but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her". They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understood the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with 'papers'. You had to prise your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"
They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you, that you had changed your mind, that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realised I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate. I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said "I'm so sorry". She hugged me, and hurriedly explained that it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her.
It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied "I KNOW. IT'S MINE. I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
PLASTIC FANTASTIC: CODI MILO |
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Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says "I apologise for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there".
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know - she might say yes". The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right - how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
ORSM
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Aaaaaaand DONE. Read this bit though:
-Check out the site archives. Or build your own time machine. Either or really.
-Next update will be next Alhamisi.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do his sad dance... on your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and next time you take a piss, don't lift the seat up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
