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orsmupdate 2018.05.24-20.18

Welcome to remember while today it is me, we all shall fall.

I'm not going to waste too much of your time today with my words and dumb sentences. This was a hard update to do but as is so often the case, the hardest ones are the best ones. I just chuck everything at it and the results speak for themselves but be warned - there is a very real possibility you will sustain a severe wanking and/or laughing injury. The update is that good. So go forth and enjoy but please people, be careful. Check it...


The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
Sent my washing to the cleaners the other day with a note enclosed 'use more soap powder on pants'. When the laundry came back there was another note attached 'use more paper on arse'.
I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had, he started counting and then drifted off to sleep.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know" she replied "but what's growing in your butt?"
A stark naked drunk woman jumped into a taxi at a cab rank. The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from". "Well if you're not bloody staring at me luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well I am looking and looking and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with".
A bloke's son fell asleep at a party, so for a laugh they decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face? His wife went fucking mental when she looked in his cot!
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?" She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".
A man goes into the local corner deli. When the clerk, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get him anything, he leans over and whispers "Is it true that you give hand jobs in the back room?" "Why yes, sir" the shop assistant coos. "I've already had 5 satisfied customers this morning, and it's only 11:30am". "Good good" the man replies. "Well, go and wash yer hands then - I only want a ham sandwich".
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she dragged home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin' water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin' there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
At a wedding party recently someone yelled "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living". The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

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I heard a story about a guy who got a call from his doctor the day after a visit. From what I gathered, the doctor says "I hate to tell you this, but I have bad news and worse news". Dude asks what the bad news is, doctor goes "you have 24 hours to live". Dude asks in a terrified voice what the worse news is, doctor says "the phones weren't working so I couldn't call you yesterday".
A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man's face. "Why did you do that?" the man yelled angrily. "Well you don't have hiccups now do you?" replied the pharmacist. "NO!" shouted the man. "But my wife in the car still does!"
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said "Let's get off the corner people". A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good" chuckled the vet "especially since this is a bus stop".
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go see Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles". The first old guy was confused and asked "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt".


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One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong. What's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied "Big John has a bus pass".

LESSON: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.



Previously: CUMMED #6 - CUMMED #5 - CUMMED #4 - CUMMED #3 - CUMMED #2 - CUMMED #1 - MORE >>

A man dies 'in the act' after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member".

"Well I have no more money" states the widow "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece".

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He'll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece.

The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

ย The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly "See, I told you it hurts!"


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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom".

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door".

The jury foreman replied "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't".



Previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'TALKING DOG FOR SALE'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I became a spy for the government. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But all the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I took a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks!" The owner says. "$10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's fucking a liar. He's never been out of the garden!"

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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?"

The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"




There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this. Here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my penis" he replied.

The receptionist, becoming irritated, says "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that". "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

The receptionist replies "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something. Then you can discuss the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man walks out, waits several minutes and then re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly and smiles, knowing he has taken her advice.

"And what seems to be wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it!!"


RANDOM SHITE 2018 05 24

OLDER SHITE: 17th May - 10th May - 3rd May - 26th April - 19th April - 12th April - 5th April - 29th March - MORE >>

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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this" said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister" one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us - me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back".

"Yea" piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"



GIRLS IN CARS previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.



Previously on Orsm: MIA - ARIEL - MASHA - IZZY - ANGY - SASHA - KASSANDRA - MILA - MORE >>

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". "Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning".



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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be part of the problem. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.