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orsmupdate 2017.03.16-17.40

Welcome to illegal pirate radio oi oi!

I'ma just jump straight into the weekend because it was big and the only thing worth talking about from the past week...

 Saturday was a very full day. Much to do, much to accomplish and all that. Firstly, the GF was away on a girl's weekend. Secondly I had agreed with a seller to collect an Ikea wardrobe from their house at 10.30 which was about an hour away. Would've been a far, far shorter drive to actual Ikea but at three times the price. To make this happen I had to farm out the child but even before that had to squeeze in a GP visit, vote in the state election and coerce the trailer out of our nextdoor neighbour.

GP was thrift except for the actual getting out of the house. Why there is a sudden urge to 'play with my toys' and associated dummy spit whenever it isn't allowed I'll never understand. It was straight home afterward and off to cast my vote. Got there about 10 minutes after the polls opened and clearly everyone had a similar idea - the line was at least 300 people long so bailed. Next was the trailer. We have one of these fucking things except its old, probably not roadworthy and challenging to get at. That sounds vague - basically next time I use it, it may not be allowed back to where it currently lives so if there's an easier option, take it. Decided to ask our neighbour. Had to approach the right way because as many times as I've seen that little trailer towed away behind someone else's car is how many times he has complained about them. Rarely complains about anyone unless that trailer is involved. All justifiable - stuff like how it comes back broken/dirty/scratched/whatever. He hand built himself and is very proud of it. Actual heartbreak when it comes back scathed. I went armed with chocolates and compliments. Social engineering on a neighbourly level.


Anyway... in quick succession I hooked up, the kid was collected and we set off on the long drive south and east to a part of the metro I've never dared to venture. Found the house easy enough, spent a while chatting and then carefully loaded up. It was obvious we needed a bigger trailer but still managed to make everything fit. Headed back the long way avoiding freeways and anything which would rattle the wardrobe to destruction. We stopped about 10 minutes down the road to grab a drink... turned out to be a good thing because as we entered the Macca's carpark, the tailgate, which no one had noticed was unsecured, fell off. Oops. Would never ever have realised or found it otherwise. No idea how I'd have explained it either.

The round trip absorbed almost four hours but was worth the effort. [The saving offsets the huge loss on selling the treadmill]. Rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning the wardrobe, getting it ready to install and mowing lawn, gardening, voting etc. Come evening I was fucking exhausted but with the GF and kid out I could do anything. Anything. Anything. That meant alcohol in some or all forms. Organised a mate, got my shit together and met at a pub near the city. Had a beer, caught up and after establishing that food was essential in light of barely having eaten all day and tiredness, we went off to do that. Of course as we walked out and I checked my phone for messages is when I totally didn't notice how the floor stepped down. So my body went down to take a closer look. Hard. In front of hundreds of people.

Remember last week I blogged about having a fucked neck? Well after some chiro and lifting cupboards all day it was surprisingly coming good. Had some movement back and wasn't saying "Oww" as much. Well the stack fixed that. It was properly banged up. As was my knee. Oh and my wrist. A man only has one choice to make at that point: go home or drink through it. The choice was obvious...

I woke up Sunday morning wondering WTF had happened and feeling pretty average. And by average I mean "Am I still alive?" Hangovers are one thing but the pain after falling so spectacularly, so publically was brutal. Couldn't move. Lay in bed for a couple of hours. Finally mustered the willpower to go shower which triggered an involuntary reappearance of Saturday night's dinner and drinks. Got cleaned up, somehow drove to the massage place where a tiny Chinese woman put some of my shit back together. Ate junk food, watched TV and remained productively defunct for the duration. Normally I'd say 'never again' after such a night but it was a seriously good fun and its rare to escape the asylum and get one. Guess we'll see how things go for the coming weekend.

Okay enough. I you've made it this far then trust me it only gets gouda. The update is heaving and splitting at the parts that split. Check it...

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Naked AthletesNaked Athletes: ESPN Body Issue Shows The World’s Elite Sports Professionals Without Clothes- SharkacheScuba Diver Finds Shark Straight Out Of A Horror Movie - Nasty BitchesWomen Reveal The Weird And Gross Things They Do When Their Partners Aren’t Around - Murderer LOLWho's The Bigger Jerk, The Biker Or The Trucker? - Sex ChallengeDo Their Porno Dreams Come True? Fuck No. Instead, Four Average-Ass Mother Fuckers Attempt To Make Sex With The Prestigious Christy Mack, And Each And Every One Of Them Brutally Embarrasses Themselves. - HosedFourth Shooting In 24hrs. California Has Been Busy... Just Another Day In The Sun... - Trump's BitchMelania Trump Is The Hottest First Lady We’ll Ever Have - Fffffuckk!Sad: Monster Truck Flattens 20+ People - What A KnobStreet Racing May Not Be Your Thin

Douche Pig"Do Not Tase Him!" Power Tripping Cop Fights With EMT - Boobies OutRussian Pop Star Nadeea Volianova Boobies In Mesh Top - Shower LucyThe Super Hot Lucy Li Taking An Outdoor Shower!! Amazing To Look At. This Set And Her Set Is Awesome! - Point BlankMan Kills His Victim With A Shotgun At Point Blank Range. - Model NudesNatalie Biehl Is An Aspiring Model, Getting Those Free Topless And Nude Shoots Out There, Because It’s How You Get Noticed, And We Should All Be Okay With That... - DruggosSynthetic Drugs: Not Even Once! - Celeb ButtsDid Someone Say Celeb Butts? No? Oh Well Here's A Buttload Anyway! - Teen SoloLonely Abril Pleasures Herself - AnaledSome Girls Will Say They Don't Love It Up The Butt But If This Compilation Is Anything To Go By That Simply Isn't True - SquirtingHot Squirting Threesome

Well Played!Police Officer Tells Of Technological Advancement That'll Help Reduce Road Rage - Kinky AFThis Dudes Bizarre Garage Project Is Pretty Awesome... - Prom ShagWe Were Both Ready To Get Rid Of Our Virginity Pledge After Prom. She Bends Over And Wanted Me To Pop Her Hymen From Behind. It Was Our First Time So It Didn't Take Very Long. - Couch SexSkinny Dutch Babe Gets Drilled On The Couch - Epic FacialsOutstanding Compilation Of Amateur And Pornstars Getting Their Faces Destroyed With Huuuuge Cumshots. This Is Peak Porn. - April RoseTumblr Babe April Rose Has Been Making The Rounds Lately And With A Body Like That Its No Wonder. I Love It When A Truly Hot Babe Also Has A Kinky Side. - Mischa ToeMischa Barton Cameltoe In Bikini Bottoms - Great RackAmanda Seyfried Titty Flash - He Lived!How The Fuck Did He Survive? - RIP DudesRocket Hits A Group Of Police In Falluja. Yeah They Aint Getting Up.

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says "I don't feel anything". Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out". So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass". Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble" said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'What a smooth finish'". "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this" said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah" said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead". The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead. Buick for sale".


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Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave labourer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending night school part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be 'accidentally' killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realised it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.

And THAT is why the chicken crossed the road!



Previously on Orsm: PDA's #4 - PDA's #3 - PDA's #2 - PDA's #1

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck.

One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill when he realised that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get.

So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10.

The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best fucking of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boys hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck.

The man driving gets out and apologises for the boys duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way. Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him "What happened?" The boys reply was this: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck".


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A man is waiting in line at Grand Central Station, wanting to get back to Pennsylvania for the holidays. The line is very, very long, and he literally waits for hours. Exhausted, he reaches the front of the line, only to see the woman behind the ticket window is a gorgeous blonde woman with, quite frankly, the largest natural breasts he's ever seen.

Stunned, he blurts out "Hi, I need two pickets to Titsburgh.'

The woman looks at him, wide-eyed, not sure what he's said. The man hasn't realised a thing, and thinks she might not have heard him. He says it again, louder, not realising his mistake "I just need two pickets to Titsburgh".

This time, he hears himself, and realises what he said. The woman, convinced of what she heard, looks angrily at him.

The man is stunned, and says "I'm so sorry, I'm really tired, I just want to get home, and I just need to pickets to Titsburgh". He slaps his hand over his mouth, again stunned at what he's said. The woman is starting to call security, and the man feels doomed. Suddenly there's a touch on his elbow, from behind.

He turns around, and there's an older man, white hair, white beard, wearing a tweed jacket, with suede patches on the elbows. The man says "Son, relax, I'm a psychologist. What's happening to you is called a Freudian Slip. You mean to say one thing, but what's really on your mind comes out. In fact, it happened to me just last night. I meant to say to my wife, 'Honey, would you please pass the salt'. Instead, I accidentally said 'YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'"



FACIALS previously on Orsm: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

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One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them "What's Blue Velvet?"

They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is". "As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.

"Now son, just what happened?" "Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is". "Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!" "I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is". Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in" he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. "Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is".

The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again!"

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.

As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. "Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is".

"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is". "Really?"

"Sure". The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is".

"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.

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So, a man is in the hospital, waiting for his wife to give birth. He's pacing back in forth in the waiting room, waiting for the birth to be over, when suddenly the doctor bursts into the room.

"Sir! Sir! Come with me! I have amazing news!"

The man rushes into the operating room with the doctor. The doctor snatches the baby out of the bassinet and holds it up. "Sir. It's unbelievable, but your baby CAN FLY!"

The doctor holds the baby over his head and tosses it up into the air. The new father watches in horror as his newborn collides with the floor, making a sick, wet thud.


"No, I swear it. It's phenomenal! Just watch!" says the doctor. He lifts the baby again. He winds up and gives it another throw. This time, it bounces off the wall and then hits the floor, leaving a bloody smear on the wall.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!" shouts the new father, aghast at the doctor's behaviour and the trauma he's witnessing.

"Trust me, sir! It's simply amazing!" says the doctor. He opens a window and hurls the baby out where it plummets nine stories and punches a baby-shaped hole in the roof of a bus.

"YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU KILLED MY BABY!" screams the father.

"Meh. Don't worry about it. It came out dead" says the doctor.



Previously on Orsm: SIDE BOOB #5 - SIDE BOOB #4 - SIDE BOOB #3 - SIDE BOOB #2 - SIDE BOOB #1

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her.

Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her.

When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks.

When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son" the father answers "You're the first boy to take her out of the tree".


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OLDER SHITE: 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February - 26th January

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly" the Chinese man said "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". "OK" said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest". "Well, that's pretty crappy" he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about".

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost".



Previously on Orsm: BORN TO WEAR JEANS #2 - BORN TO WEAR JEANS #1


Muslim immigrants are boycotting the USA by the thousands, showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of stopping all further Muslim immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Abad is one of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings, four wives and fourteen children, the 21 year old Mohammed Abad told a reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of Halal certified products and goat meat. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

Mohammed Abad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Australia, where the government will pay for everything, where hard working people, through their taxes, will support him and his family with dignity.


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