Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
orsmupdate 2016.07.21-17.00

Welcome to all bitches are cunts but not all cunts are bitches.

I've been sort of complaining lately that things are quiet and uneventful. Not this week. There's been a constant vibe of whatever at every turn. At times has felt a little like the world is falling apart but that could be the sleep deprivation talking. That's how sick toddlers roll though. I think we're going on week 4 of a poo/spew virus that just won't quite go away. It returned at 1am last night and subsequently there was a vomit trail from the bed to the toilet to the bathroom. Have lost track of how many times I've had to clean and disinfect stuff recently. If anything I'm actually getting quite good at cleaning it up. Like if there was an award for explosive baby waste clean-up I'd be a very strong chance. Even the baby car seat... that fucker used to take me upwards of an hour *trying* to reassemble after a 'purge' incident; now I have it back together and secured in about 3 minutes. This dad shit is easy AF...

-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-




Another highlight was the druggo I stopped breaking into our car. Monday morning, I walked into my office and saw a guy outside on the driveway. Just standing there, staring at the footpath, not moving. Basically your typical meth... probably wondering how to get on. This goes on for a minute or so when he snaps out of his catatonic state and tries the door handle. I scream for him to fuck off which he does, muttering "I'm leavin', I'm leavin'" before reappearing soon after walking dangerously close to the garbage truck emptying bins on our street. Almost nailed him with three of them, unfortunately moved out of the way before it connected with one. I got on the phone to the cops as he began casing out neighbours houses and garages, even rifled through someone's boat. Followed him for a while but the cops never showed up nor contacted me back so assume he was unsuccessful. On the other hand, maybe not. The fuckwit rear neighbours, who as you guys know we despise, their TV disappeared from where it usually sits on the same day. Sure it could just have been moved to somewhere else in the house but part of me, a big part, hopes they got robbed...

Next, have been forced to change the Orsm video player. Received a polite email from the company who provides the software saying I'm violating their ToS. Now I'm not that big on watching stats too closely because you go insane doing so. Numbers go down a bit and you start wondering how you'll feed yourself; go up and you suddenly it's a decision of what colour Porsche to buy. And so on. Did some checking and you guys are indeed wolfing down the videos. Like fuckloads more than the plan covers. Okay so whilst that makes me sound like a bad person, I'm actually only using 1 feature of the many I'm paying for. In other words it probably balances out. If anything it's the wrong software to be using. Anyway they asked me to upgrade to an enterprise plan and enterprise pricing which *starts* at 20 times what I'm currently paying... and also includes a bunch more features that I have no use for. Cant fault a company for trying to, you know, make money from their products. Also understandable that it's a massive and unfeasible increase. The solution was to change the player... which I've done... today... with the aid of a surprisingly competent developer. Despite a minute difference in how the seek bar looks, there's basically no difference but if you guys experience any problems then please feed my back here with as much info as possible so we can troubleshoot.

Alrighty then. So much for not writing anything today. I had a huge bunch of jokes ready to take this bloggy sections place because after the hijacking that has gone on in my world over the past 24 hours, it simply wasn't going to happen. Yet somehow it did... so let's quit while I'm ahead. I'll just say todays update is stellar. Easily the best one to ever come out of the update incubator. Even better than the one that had all those things that time which were really entertaining and funny and unforgettable. Remember that? Good times they suuure were. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

OH-MY-F-G!Douche In $250,000 Mclaren Runs Stop Sign, Skateboarder Smashes Windshield - TOO Smart!!The Secrets Of Magic Revealed - How The World’s Greatest Illusionists Pulled Off Their Tricks - Beat ThisHere's Why Movie Theatre's In South Korea Are So Very Awesome - Pokémon FailPokémon Go Helped Girl Catch Cheating Boyfriend After He Was In The Wrong Part Of Town - LOL HilariousDo You Want To See Me Press The Buttons? - *SMILE*50 Adorable Smiling Animals That Are Guaranteed To Put A Grin On Your Face Today - She's PerfectThis Petite Volleyball Player Is So Beautiful That You'll Be A Fan For Life - Demon PussyA Kind Hearted Real Estate Agent Gets Possessed By An Evil Dick Demon And Needs Help Excising It Out With Dick... LOL WTF?! - No Shame"You Better Not Put This On Facebook!"

Crazy SexySo She Is A Kind Of Teen Teacher That Only Wants To Show All Her Fans, What A Proper Sex From Behind Looks Like And With Doing So, She Exposes Her Perfectly Round Bubble Butt, And With A Big Smile On Her Cutie Face - Margot TitsMargot Robbie Topless Sunbathing On The Beach - Lez POVA Good, make that GREAT, Point of View! - Micro BikiniWhen Irina Shayk Asked How She Could Wear The Least Amount Possible But Still Technically Be Clothed, This Is What Happened... - Like A BussAsians Are Pretty Crafty While Traveling In Public Transportation. They Won't Get Bored Just Watch Mei Ling Sucky Sucky Long Time And Give Her Guy A Blowjob - Nuts DeepAnal Set To Heavy Metal Equals...Video Gold! - Cum JunkiesNever Have There Been So Many CUM JUNKIES Assembled In One Video! - Trailerpark HoWell She's Certainly Has Her Hands Full! - Blonde NailedSexy Blonde Nerd Gets A Deep Dicking On The Couch. Love The Way She Moans. Very Hot!

Cutter SlutsWell Kids Unlike These Girls, eFukt Videos Don't Cut Themselves And This Hilarious Piece Of Troll Cinema Could Be The Greatest Self Harm PSA Of All Time. #Swag - This Is CrazyJapanese Hornets Are Awful But This Scorpion Is Worse - GruesomeInmate Forced To Eat Ear Of His Cellmate - DEEPthroatThis May Be The Most Extreme Brutal Amateur Gagging Deepthroat Scene Ever! - Raver BJTattooed Teen Knows How To Seduce You With A Blow Job - Double P'dThis Buxom Brunette Has Got A Bullet Proof Booty, And Loves To Get Slammed In The Back Door. - Not FunnyThis Prank Is More Like Murder Guy Puts A Firework Big Enough To Be Considered A Bomb On Unsuspecting Guy And Blows Him Up - Model NudeSandra Kubicka Is Some Polish Model Who Has Some Small Sized, Quality Tits. - Them CurvesKelly Brook Is Busty In A Swimsuit! - NipplyRose McGowan Braless In See Through Black Dress

An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognised it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago". "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark. "Yes..." said the elephant "turtle recall".
One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied "I'm trying to blow the horn".
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette". The ambassador looked pained and said "Russian roulette is a dangerous game". "Right, that's why we invented African roulette, would you like to play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat explained "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex". "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..." "Not really. One of them is a cannibal!"


Click for more awesomeness

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why...

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?... I think not.



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I then attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was no future in it. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!


Click for more awesomeness

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts - animals, clowns, contortionists, etc.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet, five inches tall, and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same little town and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner reading "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" The salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale.

Finally, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like Goldstein's act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now smashing large coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts.

"Vell" says Goldstein, wearily "My eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"



Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness



Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Click for more awesomeness


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Here's your first question" the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
Rasta. "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".

The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go"

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?"

The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this Rasta, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "Ere you go, mon. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... so when I start, boss?"



A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous 'new age' holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away". The doctor replied "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do - go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish".

As she leaves the doctor's office, sceptical but curious at the same time, she tries the manoeuvre in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..." She has barely said it four times, when she realises her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it..." "When was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago". "Send him over".

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."


click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around. He was trying to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies".

The farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse".

The trooper says "Oh!" and goes back to writing the ticket. After a bit he stops and says "Hey! Wait a minute! Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass".

"Well, that's a good thing" says the trooper, and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says "Hard to fool them flies though!"




CAPITALISM: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
HARI KRISHNA: He who plays with the most toys, wins.
JUDAISM: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
CATHOLICISM: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
ANGLICAN: They were our toys first.
GREEK ORTHODOX: No, they were OURS first.
BRANCH DAVIDIANS: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
ATHEISM: There is no toy maker.
POLYTHEISM: There are many toy makers.
EVOLUTIONISM: The toys made themselves.
COMMUNISM: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
BAHA'I: All toys are just fine with us.
AMISH: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
TAOISM: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
MORMONISM: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
VOODOO: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
HEDONISM: Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7TH DAY ADVENTIST: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
CHURCH OF CHRIST: He whose toys make music, loses.
BAPTIST: Once played, always played.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
PENTECOSTALISM He whose toys can talk, wins.
EXISTENTIALISM Toys are a figment of your imagination.
CONFUCIANISM: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
NON-DENOMINATIONALISM: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.


Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette. "Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes" he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor" he said "so I can get me a fast Ferrari".

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up". The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars" explained Little Johnny.


click for gallery

I don't think we should dwell on this so I'ma just say it... that's the end of the update. :-(

BUT... here's a bunch of reasons why your day is about to get a lot better:

-Follow me on the Facebook and the Twitter and the Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Some would say its improper not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You could set a watch by it [if you watch only counted days, not time... because that jumpsa round a bit].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will go on an Islamaphobic tirade to distract you from the fact he is overweight and doesn't want to go on a diet.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the cunty cold. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.