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orsmupdate 2018.03.15-19.52

Welcome to I met a girl, we ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.

If Facebook is anything to go by, there are a lot of sad and struggling people this week. Me - I'm doing okay; I'll pull through. After all I didn't know Stephen Hawking. Not like so many others though. Wow the heartfelt messages which clearly came from a place of deep sorrow were truly moving. Seriously though - how many people who felt it necessary to post a tribute to the great theoretical physicist knew one thing about him except that he was really smart and was often referenced in pop culture? Or knew any of his theories? Knew the name of the condition he suffered? Knew what his nationality was? Happy to admit I can't answer any of those and I'll bet most can't either. Yet it's a fantastic opportunity to get some likes right? Honestly if there are two things I could stamp out to make the world a better place it would be 1) people paying tribute to someone/something that means literally nothing to them and 2) people who misuse the word literally to emphasise something. #grumble

Let's get on with the update. I'm feeling good about this one and that's because it's true to everything that is Orsm - the chicks, the vids, the jokes, the few solid minutes of entertainment that is an escape from all the cunts in our lives. Check it...


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about".
Two old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their love lives. One told the other "I had sex with a 30-year-old three times last night!" "Wow" his friend said "you must be using that Viagra". "Nope" the man replied "I know a secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can make love for hours. The second man dashed off to the nearest grocery store and bought eight loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said "That's a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you're done eating it all". "Well, I'll be damned" the man said. "Does everybody know about this but me?"
Three bushies were sitting around a campfire one night when one bloke started complaining about his useless cattle dog. "I'd give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command" he spat. "Watch this". The bloke commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. The second bushie said "Give me a go". He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust. The third bushie stands up and says "I'll take that $100". Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells "Get out of there, boy!"
Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off". The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast". The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out".
A couple is lying in bed. The man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says "I'll miss you".
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind". "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

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Teen 'Stretched'We Like It Ratchet And Nasty And That’s Exactly What Happened. Stretch Was Beating That Pussy Until It Was Swollen, And She Can Only Walk Bow Legged. She Was Taking His BBC And He Was All Dick Deep In Her Tight Pussy. - It Gets WorseMeet Scott Taylor. Today Scott Is A Well-Respected Porn Mogul, But That Wasn't Always The Case. Flashback To The Glory Years Of 1985 And Witness The Billy Mays Of Penis Pump Salesmen. - Fukn AnimalsFull Version Of That Elderly Woman Gang Attack - She's 49!Back In The 90's. Helena Christensen Was One Of The Hottest Models. She's 49 Now And By The Look Of Her Still Travelling Very Well. - Sarah's SlipSarah Hyland Nipple Slip At The iHeartRadio Awards 2018 - Jessica RabbitBlondie Fesser Stars As Jessica Rabbit In This Porn Parody From Vrcosplayx! - Star Wars SexHow Did These Epic Star Wars Sex Scenes Not Make The Final Cut? George Lucas Really Screwed Us Didn't He!? - Deep ButtsexHot Deep Anal With Bailey Blue

InhumanityCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Reddit BabesPhun.Org Presents Girls Of Reddit [Part 5] - Girl BonerProof That Girls Get Boners Too - Going At ItJust Your Typical Drunk Night Out At The University Of Oklahoma! - Bad/WorseBoy Is Her Day About To Go From Bad To Worse - MagnificentI Just Found My Jerk Off Material For The Next Week!!!! - Extreme SexCrazy Couple Fucks While Hanging From Cliff - Quality BodVeronika Klimovits Naked - PatheticWatch This And You'll Never Do Street Drugs Again. I Promise - PhunnyPhun's Phunny Pictures DCCII

Incest PornWelcome To The "Donnie Darko" Of Incest Porn, Where Daddy Is Either A Psychological Terrorist And A Rapist - Or A Hero? It's All Left Up For Interpretation - Cooking NudeJada Cooking In The Nude! - Blatant NipMary Carey Boob Pops Out Grabbing Gas - I Want ButtsPhun's Bonus Butts Dump #129 - Brazilian BabeBrazilian Girls Gets Torn In Half - Going SoloAll 12 Inches? Consider Me Impressed! - Do It Babe!Thank God He Crammed His Cock Into This Stupid Bitch's Mouth - Would U?They Call Her 'Patches'... And Now We Know Why! - Full RetardEverything About This Porn Clip Is Full Retard. The Acting, The Premise, The Fact Someone Came Up With It In The First Place. Watch And Be Annoyed/Disgusted/Entertained/Appalled.

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room. Mum says with a smile "Why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing".
Paddy tells his wife "My bumhole is really burning, I've no idea what it is?" "Ring sting" his wife says. Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's okay. The drunk replies by asking "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts "Can't you see I'm winning!"
Doctor asks a guy "So what's your problem?" He says "It's a bit embarrassing but I was having a wank... and my knob fell off". Doc says "Don't worry - with micro surgery it will be as good as new in a week". Then the doc asks "Did you bring it with you?" The guy pulls it out of his pocket. Doc says "That's a marshmallow!" Guy says "Can't be! I ate the last one on the way here!"


While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.

She asked "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head".

"That's nice of you" I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?".

"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess".



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"


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My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning".

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet".

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why".

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident".

My father taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about".

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper".

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone".

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it".

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do".

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home".

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way".

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father".

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



Previously on Orsm: PERVING ON MUMS #3 - PERVING ON MUMS #2 - PERVING ON MUMS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful" he said. The blonde puts her driver away and says "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little".

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly". The blonde frowns and says "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt".

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive".

Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night".

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup".

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup".

The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts" she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.

"So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?" "No" replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes" said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him "Well, did you see?" "Yes" he said "but why the hell did you have to show her yours". "Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough". "I know" he said "but the dart team hadn't!"

smiling - its infectious. nudity is also pretty FUCKING great too....


Previously on Orsm: HAPPY GIRLS #3 - HAPPY GIRLS #2 - HAPPY GIRLS #1 - MORE >>

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out

"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said. "I did" he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 15

OLDER SHITE: 8th March - 1st March - 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - 1st February - MORE >>


As a trucker stops for a red light. A blonde pulls up next to him, jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!" shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the salt truck...!!"

45 times no one gave a shit about sAFEty


Previously on Orsm: WORK SAFE #3 - WORK SAFE #2 - WORK SAFE #1 - MORE >>

A Somali arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr Aussie for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no English, I flom Vietnam!"

The Somali chap continues on, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not Aussie!"

He finally sees a nice lady and cautiously asks "Are you an Australian citizen?" She says "No, I am from Romania!" He is puzzled, and asks her "Where are all the Aussies?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says "Probably at work".



Previously: BATH #7 - BATH #6 - BATH #5 - BATH #4 - BATH TIME #3 - BATH #2 - BATH #1 - MORE >>


There's this girl, she is five. She goes spying on her big sister when she hears her cussing out her boyfriend, saying "You mother fucking arsehole!"

Just then Jill, that's the little girl, interrupts them talking and blurts out "Big sis, what does arsehole mean? Her big sis, surprised by the question, says "BOYFRIEND!"

So the girl runs off onto the bathroom. Jill sneaks up on her dad while he is shaving and says "BOO!" Dad says "Shit!" So the girl asks her dad "What does 'shit' mean?" "Shaving cream" he stammers. "Okay" she says and goes about her day.

Jill then runs into her mum, who is in the kitchen carving a chicken. Her mum is startled when Jill comes in and cuts her hand! "Fuck!" she shouts. So Jill ask "What does 'fuck' mean mumma?" Scrambling for an answer, mum says "Cutting".

All of the sudden, the doorbell rings. Jill answers and sees her dad's boss at the door. He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is?" And she says "Well, my sister's talking to her arsehole, my mum is fucking the chicken and my dad is wiping the shit off his face".





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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pass the ice pipe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.