Welcome to sweep the leg, Johnny!
One month til Christmas. Sneaks up quickly but like most things, I prefer to think of it in updates. The one you're reading now is #47 for the year meaning there are 4 more to go. Let us celebrate this by not enduring a big bloggy section at the beginning here and doing a bunch of jokes. Why? Well why the fuck not? I possess the technology. Seems like good enough reason. Also, the rest of the update is pretty fucking massive so it could be argued you have better things to do below than read anything I've got to say. Check it...
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law" John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in- law". "Yeah" John answered. "But I got mine pregnant".
One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you". "Hold on" the wife says "I've got something to tell you first". "What is it?" asks the husband. "Well" the wife begins "before we knew each other, I... uh... had a sex change". "What exactly are you saying?" "Simply put" the wife says "I used to be a man". "My god" the husband replies "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"
Three pastors were discussing the problems they had been experiencing with bats in their church lofts. The first said "I introduced a dozen cats, but that didn't seem to work. The bats are still there". The second said "I had the place fumigated, but even that didn't work. It's still infested with bats". The third said "I baptised all mine and made them members of the church. I haven't seen one of them back since!"
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says "Mine does..."
Ladies: We don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.
I was driving home last night and I sent the wife a text saying "Be home in 5 min" she replied "Hurry, I'm up stairs naked and I've tied myself to the bed, come and put me in my rightful place". So I drove home, went upstairs and carried her back to the kitchen.
A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument he pointed out that men had better judgment than women. "Well, I guess you're right about that" replied the wife. "You asked me to marry you, and then I said yes!"
The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a sexy female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed" said the man. "Okay mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot" answered the sultry voice. The man did this, the panel closed, several minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey" exclaimed the sport "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice "Again?"
A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello" a deep voice on the other end says "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you". The old lady looks at the phone blushing in amazement and replies "Wow. You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
Fried HeavenTexas State Fair Fried Food Finalists Sound Like Deep Fried Monsters - Pls Don't Tell!!Guy’s Parents Buried The Family Cat Thinking It Had Died... But It Reappeared Moments Later - FucktardedDon't Throw Bottles Into The Crow - Baked PussyFried Felines – Meowijuana Is High Grade Catnip For The Discerning Stoner Cat In Your Life - LOL IdiotDumb Owner Showing Off Sets His Super Bike On Fire - Tries To Extinguish It With Beer - Roo-pocalypseJust Keep Moving And No One Needs To Get Hurt. - GWS Buddy!Patient Gets Stabbed Multiple Times In The Back Lying On A Gurney In A Vietnamese Hospital - Don't EscapeYou Wake Up With A Terrible Headache. You Know, The Type That Make Nuclear Explosions Look Small In Comparison. Maybe Someone Hit You In The Head Really Hard... It Wouldn't Be The First Time This Happened To You After A Big Night Out Doing Frook Knows What!
It's LogicalThis Brain-Teasing Game Of Logic Is All About Electrical Circuits - Its Up To You To Figure Out How To Get Them To Work So That All The Outputs Turn On. This Game Isn't For Everyone... If You're A Bit Stupid Then Maybe Try Something Else.. - That BodyI Don't Care That Her Dad Is A Homo... Her Body Is Fucking Golden. - Fit GirlsThe Women Of ESPN’s Body Issue Are Something To Gawk At - Strip DownCarlotta Champagne Drops Everything Besides Sunglasses - Cum HaterzAll These Stupid Bitches Act Like The Money Shot Was Some Sort Of Awful Surprise. Luckily, Their Retching And Disgust Only Entertain My Penor. LOL - Punk SlutPunk Rocker Daughter Gets Caught With Cum On Her Chin - College ShagA Couple Of Frisky Students Make One Killer Fuck Video And Post It - F-ing TardsMuslim Refugee's Throw Away Red Cross Aid Packages Because They Have Crosses On Them - CrackheadJust Another PSA For You Guys. Crack Is A Terrible Drug, But It Creates Colourful Characters Such As The Tyrone Wannabe Right Here. So Stay Off Crack, And Don't Forget To Film The Scariest Crackheads You Find. - Heyyyy!!You Can Learn An Important Lesson From This Video - Never Pay A Hooker Before You Fuck Her! This Dude Paid Her For 2 Hours And When He Cums For The First Time She Bails And Leaves With An Hour Left On The Clock.
Raft ToadThis Should Be A Silly Little Game But Is Actually Fun From The Very First Stroke - Sex SlaveThis Horny Bastard Goes From Ass, To Pussy, To Mouth Without Skipping A Beat. And She Has No Problem With Any Of It. - Crazy Much?If You Feed A Cat, Of Course It's Going To Keep Coming Back To Your House. Dumbass. - Nerdy GirlBlonde Babe Gives Head To A Huge Cock - Awesome!The Fucking Japanese Never Cease To Find The Wackiest New Ways To Entertain. Here The Ladies Try To Hold Milk In There Mouths While Some Pervert Tickles Them. "Legal High"This Is Why So Called Legal Highs Like Spice Should Be Banne - PerfectoCharlotte Mckinney Did This Shoot As A Service To Humanity Because She Has Massive, Amazing Tits. - Wet TeeRachel Rhodes Braless Wet White Tee Shirt - I Love HerThe Mega Stacked Joey Fisher Getting Naked... That Is All You Need To Know! - Shit FacedShe Loves Getting Shit Faced
I have been searching the internet for U2 lyrics but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed". The clerk winked "You want the 'Bridal'?" The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it".
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-In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called Famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a fresh cloth and are reburied.
-46 death sentences were handed down in 2010, the lowest number of death sentences since the death penalty was reinstated in the US in 1976. The previous record for lowest number of executions was 52 in 2009. Texas led all states with 17 executions in 2010.
-Since its completion in 1937, more than 600 people have committed suicide by jumping off San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge.
-During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.
-Crucifixion is still an official form of punishment in Sudan.
In California the current death row system costs $137 million per year, whereas it would cost $11.5 million for a system where prisoners serve life sentences instead.
-It is impossible to commit suicide by holding one's breath. At worst, the person who tries this will eventually lose consciousness. The lungs will then start to breathe again automatically.
-In Italy it is illegal to make coffins out of anything but wood or nutshells.
-In ancient Egypt, when a rich man was mummified his heart was removed from his body and a heart-shaped stone carving of a dung beetle was put in its place.
-32 US states allow the death penalty. In May, 2013, Maryland became the latest state to outlaw capital punishment, joining 17 other states and the District of Columbia.-Since 976, 13 women have been executed in the US, compared to 1,360 males during the same period.
-Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.
-Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures. The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.
-Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.
-In medieval Japan, it was believed that there was a single hair somewhere on the tail of a cat that could Restore Life to a dead person. For this reason cats were brought into the room of a dying person and placed next to his or her bed. As a last resort, relatives sometimes had the dying person pluck a single hair from the cat's tail in the hope that this one would prove to be the magic strand.
-For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet.
-A body decomposes four times as fast in water than on land.
-More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.
-The tiny Poison Arrow Frog has enough poison to kill over 2200 people!
-Cancer is the second leading cause of death in Orange County, California. Number one is heart disease.
-Hanging might seem like a relatively simple proposition, but it has complications. Suspending or a very short drop, as typically seen in suicides, can result in a long, agonising death from strangulation. Too long a drop causes decapitation. The procedure is best performed by measuring the person's weight against the length of the drop to result in a broken neck, paralysis, and a quick death.
-Logician and mathematician Kurt Gödel died of hunger when his wife was hospitalised for six months in the year 1978. He had a compulsive fear of being poisoned and would only eat the food prepared by her.
-Cockroaches can live for nine days without their heads, at which point they die of starvation.
-American baseballer Jim Creighton died after suffering a ruptured abdominal hernia while hitting a home run. He swung the bat so hard that his bladder ruptured which caused him the internal injury.
-Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously - it can kill you.
-Attila the Hun is thought to have died from a nose bleed on his wedding night.
-Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the US, accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year.
-Nearly 5,000 Americans under the age of twenty-four commit suicide every year. An additional 100,000 tried to.
-A murder is committed in the US every 23 minutes, which makes about 22852 murders each year.
-In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence.
-Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.
-James Otis Jr. hoped his death to come by a bolt of lightning and often told his friends and relatives about it. On May 23, 1783 suddenly his wish was fulfilled when the lightning struck the chimney of a friend's house in whose doorway he was standing. He is reported to have told his sister "My dear sister, I hope, when God Almighty in his righteous providence shall take me out of time into eternity that it will be by a flash of lightning".
-In the United States, poisoning is the fourth leading cause of death among children.
-Under the proper conditions of moisture and heat, the flesh of a buried body will turn to soap. Known as adipocere, this strange substance is a chemical much like baking soda mixed with fat (and thus almost identical in composition to soap) and is called ''grave wax'' by undertakers. Flight Club anyone?
-In Erwin, Tennessee an elephant was once hanged for murder.
-Hypoxemia is a general term for inadequate oxygenation of the blood and cellular tissue. After the heart has stopped beating, for whatever reason, the body's tissues are no longer supplied with life-giving oxygen.
-Influenza caused over twenty-one million deaths in 1918.
-Once upon a time, when an Australian Bushman died, his body was lowered into a grave where a special kind of gravedigger awaited it. This person's job was to slice up the corpse and hand out bits of the flesh to the mourners. The order in which the relatives partook of the feast was strictly prescribed. A mother ate from her children, and children from their mother, a man could eat his sister's husband and his brother's wife. A father, however, could not eat his children, nor children their father.
-A dentist invented the Electric Chair.
-Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.
-Garry Hoy died proving that his glass was indestructible. The incident took place in the year 1993 when Garry threw himself against the window of a small meeting room which was located on the 24th floor of Toronto Dominion Centre. Gaz was right - the glass didn't break... it instead popped out of the window frame and he fell to his death.
-The leading cause of deaths for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes.
-Over the last 50 years in the United States, approximately 9,000 people have died as a result of tornadoes, 5,000 as the result of floods, and 4,000 as the result of hurricanes.
Death was covered last year. You can find it by clicking here...
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry" came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
On the farm lived a Chicken and a Horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the Horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the Horse whinnied for the Chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the tractor.
Running around, the Chicken spied the Farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the Chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive on the shiny Harley and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's bike, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the Horse!
Happy and proud, the Chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented; best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Horse to save his life!
The Horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The Chicken got a good grip, and the Horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story: When you're hung like a Horse, you don't, need a Harley to pick up chicks.
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ORSM VIDEO: FOODIE EDITION
Two aliens land their spaceship in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialise inside the couple's house and address them: "We come in peace. We want to find out how humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners".
Being ex-theatre majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesitation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tentacle and leads him off into another room.
Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie".
''Actually, I come in all sizes". With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his ears, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"
"No problemo" assures the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, *boing* his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo" blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.
After about a three hour romp, Jill and the alien (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.
Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill "How did it go in there?'' Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had! No offense!"
"How'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?" "Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up, very softly "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The traffic signal turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious, and she honked her horn and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.
As she was still ranting, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer who told her to exit her car with her hands up.
Then he took her to the local police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached her cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car".
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".
Mongrel says "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it". Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?" "Coot's wife gave it to me" Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly" Mongrel says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow'. She said 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow' Then I said 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are'".
WHO WOULD YOU DO? HAYLEY, ANNA, JOSIE OR SAMMY...?
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father" began the old man "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her". "That's a wonderful thing" interjected the priest "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"
"It gets worse Father" continued the elderly fellow "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favours". The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly".
"Thank you Father" said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son" said the priest. The old man asked "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
Well well well... what 'ave we 'ere? The end. For this week at least.
-Check out the site archives. They think they're better than you. WHAT?
-Next update will be next Thursday. We'll hopefully have rolled into LA by then OR, if I'm trying to stick to Thursday evening GMT+8 for the update to go live, probably somewhere between Santa Barbara and Malibu.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray guy punch you so hard that you'll fart blood.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a fuck. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.