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orsmupdate 2015.02.04-18.48
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Welcome to you can't race a house.

Oh hai. I don't really know how to broach this but... it's Thursday. Now we've that out of the way we can begin the update and we'll do that with a bunch of paragraphs about nothing overly readworthy. If I were you I'd probably scroll down ever so slightly and tuck into the pile of external links which will bring extreme joy and happiness; highs and highers. If not, you can read my words...





Friday night was a rare occasion that the GF and I escaped the house to go do something together, by ourselves, unencumbered. I left it completely up to her what that would be. Just trying a 'go with the flow' approach instead of micromanaging every situation [to a successful outcome]. May have mentioned it before, that its never a good idea in that she has a knack for picking things that are terrible. If you want a bad meal then just ask her what she thinks will be good. Have the Yelp app ready to write that bad review. Anyway what she chose was the Fringe World. From what less than 20 seconds of Googling told me, Fringe Festivals happen around the world but basically there's a bunch of small theatres set up across the city which host performers of various kinds. It's eclectic and hipster and sheeple like me are happy to lap it up at $20 per show thinking we're on the receiving end of some culture.

So we rolled in early evening. First stop was a popup bar on top of a building. Had a drink and left. It was cool in that you probably couldn't get up there ordinarily but fucked if I know how it tied in to Fringe. The first performance was next. It was a solo show about different characters giving a eulogy. Classified as comedy, I left feeling more dumb than amused because after sitting through an hour of it, I could not for the life of me work out what the fuck it was all supposed to mean. Surely there was a hidden message or point to these people speaking at a funeral? When we got home I had to read up on it - how could some of the audience have been laughing so hard yet me not at all? Were they friends with the performer? Were they simple minded? And how could some reviews have called the show brilliant when 2 of the audience literally fell asleep during? What it probably comes down to though, and maybe this is true of ALL actors/acting, the show didn't have any message whatsoever. We weren't supposed to walk away thinking 'wow... I'll experience life differently now'. It was simply all about the actor's ego, about indulging himself. On the other hand, it was possibly the finest theatre one could ever experience and my incredibly limited exposure to 'the arts' only ensured I was never going to get it...

Waltzed around after soaking up the atmos afterward. There was people and sound coming from every direction and pretty great being able to soak it up without chasing after a toddler. The same deal with dinner - stopped at a couple of restaurants we wouldn't normally be able to en route to the next show. Thankfully it was an actual comedian this time. Funny as fuck. Crude as fuck. Particularly enjoyed looking around the tent to see reactions when subject matter went [very] left of field. And that was it - night out over. As they say, you can't please all of the people all of the time so no biggie the first show wasn't my thing but would happily recommend it to most... which I'd kind of have to because we're off there again tomorrow night...

As most of them tend to do, Saturday started at my local Bunnings hardware store filling up a basket with numerous small items. Got home, fixed the reticulation pipes I inadvertently destroyed the week previous and juuuust when I was about to move on the rain started. Instantly killed any further outdoor activity. Can't say I was too upset and it ensured the rest of my day and even well into the night was put towards smashing this update.

Sunday was almost identical - began outside with a few bags of mortar to repair and sure up a section of pavement that was collapsing. Entailed pulling up affected area, levelling the sand, replacing and realigning the pavers, digging out the sand from underneath and then slopping the fresh mortar in its place. Hopefully now they'll stop moving because it was one of those jobs on one of those very long to do lists which has been put off for a very long time. Next was to connect an entirely new section of garden reticulation before calling it a day as the rain rolled over. We motored off to a family lunch thing later, then home again to busily nestle myself at the computer to tap-tap-tap away. Nice to have had such a productive weekend for a change.

Alright let's move on. What you're about to experience is an update I am borderline ecstatic with. Everything just came together beautifully, wasn't [as] rushed [as usual] and should keep the majority titillated long into the night. If not, you can always [trigger warning] go kill yourself. Check it...

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DUDE! STOP!That Awkward Moment When You Out Yourself As A Nazi - Can't Watch!Men Watch A Live Circumcision On Video For The First Time And Are Totally Horrified - ShenanigansIf The Noise Of The Truck Didn't Wake That Dude Up, Odds Are The Tons Of Thick Carbon Monoxide Will Do More To Keep Him Asleep Than Get Him Up And Feeling Perky Since It Only Takes... - Dear Kitteh'Dear Kitten: Beginnings' – An Adorable And Funny Ze Frank-voiced Cat-Reflection On Kittenhood - Best BloopsAs Long As The News Keeps Getting Broadcast Live, This Is Probably Going To Have To Keep Happening. - Freaky As HellIncredible Limbless Dancer Wows The Audience At This Kaysville High School Half Time Performance - #going2failWoman Marries Dude As Soon As They Meet - I CameA jackass inspired stunt gone sexual ends very badly for the LoL platinum player responsible for Conceiving Such An Act Of Genius. Luckily Our Hero Isn't Concerned With Things Like Dignity, Human Contact Or A Fully Functioning Penis. - Gets WorseMother And Daughter Crushed By Ruthless Driver

Diva PornWWE Diva Tammy Lynn "Sunny" Is The Latest In Sex Tapes - ShockingMexican Cops Don't Live By The Protect And Serve Motto. These Cowards Left The Scene When They Realised Cartel Members Where Armed. The Thugs Ended Up Killing A Business Man For Not Paying Protection Money. - Ariel Is 18If You Watch Modern Family You've Been Well Aware Of Her Boobs For A While And Now That Ariel Winter Turned Eighteen, We Can Finally Talk About Them Without Coming Off As Creeps. Sooo... Look At These Badboys!! - BralessKara Del Toro Braless In See Through White Dress - Medieval OrgyThese Horny Fuckers Know How To Have Fun - Dress Up In Fancy Costumes And Start Fucking Like Wild Animals! - Deep AnalAmateur Babe Screaming For Her First Anal. - Science FTWPhysicist Releases A One Metric Ton Wrecking Ball Towards His Own Face To Prove The Conservation Law Of Energy - Wrong HoleYou Can Choose To Have Anal Sex And Take The Risk That It Probably Hurts Like Hell The First Couple Of Times. Then There Is A Category That Absolutely Don't Like Something In Their Poophole, This Is One Of Those Girls. - ClickbaitWe Clicked It So You Don't Have To: The Week In Clickbait - Bwahaha!Incoming Missile Ends Message Home

Sexy See-ThruDaisy Lowe Topless With Pasties In See Through Dress - School BabeIt's Busty Stacey P In A School Uniform!! You Know That's Gonna Be Good, And It Is, As She Strips Down To Her Panties In A Very Pink Bedroom. Not Even All That Pink Could Distract Me From Her Amazing Rack! WOW! - Sperm FaceNo That's Not Egg Drop Soup On Her Face. Its A Gallon Of Japanese Jizz. - Cashing In53 Star Wars Products That Should Have Never Been Created - Fuck Sesh - Rita Ora TitsRita Ora Well And Truly Gets Her Tits Out For Lui Magazine And They're Kind Of Great - Sweet Rack!I've Never Been A Harry Potter Fan, But If This Bitch And Hermine Are Going To Be There Count Me In. This Muggle Wants To Snuggle. - Parent FailsSay What You Will About Different Parenting Styles But The Fact Is Some People Should Never Be Allowed To Breed. Here's Proof. - Fkn RednecksAngry Texan Points Gun At Biker During Road Rage Incident

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem" the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex" said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch". "Oh no, Doctor" the man said nervously "I'm not allowed up on the furniture".
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor - it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place" begged the attorney. "Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home" replied the governor.
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin".


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-The average sexual experience lasts 37 minutes.
-Women are more willing to commit adultery during their ovulation than at any other time throughout their cycle. This is due to the built in desire to fertilise the ovulated egg.
-Cleopatra is credited with the invention of the vibrator. She is said to have taken insects and placed them inside a hollow sphere. The insects would become agitated and begin buzzing around, causing the sphere to vibrate.
-Older women are more likely to say they'd orgasmed during their last sexual encounter than younger women.
-We automatically perceive people who smell good as more attractive.
-According to a poll, swimmers and footballers are the athletes most likely to get women all hot and bothered. 
-Most women who lose their virginity between ages fifteen and nineteen actually wish they had waited a bit longer. Additionally, most teenagers lose their virginity by age 17, but those who have not lost their virginity by 24 tend to stay a virgin.
-The clitoris extends 9cm under the skin.
-According to a survey of adult's aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetimes and men have an average of seven.
-Ginger stimulates the feelings of excitement associated with sex. Eating ginger elevates your heart rate, gets your blood flowing and gets you excited for the night ahead.
-The three foods women would choose over sex: sushi, chocolate and steak.
-Some people are wired to have more sex than others. Scientists are not entirely sure why this is, but it is true in both males and females.
-Avocado is the Aztec word for testicle. In Aztec culture, avocados were considered sexually powerful and were restricted for virgins.
-Some sexual dysfunction can stem from how a woman feels about the appearance of her genitals.

-A study found that men feel more emotional pain after a breakup than women do.
-62 percent of Australian women have admitted faking an orgasm.
-During intercourse, your inner nose swells just as your breasts and genitals will. This is most notably due to the increased flow of blood while having intercourse.
-The average erection contains enough blood to keep three gerbils alive.
-Festival-goers would rather spend time doing drugs, drinking and having sex than watching the concert they paid big money to see.
-Sperm can be considered an anti-aging treatment, as it has a tightening effect on the skin.
-The typical female orgasm lasts 25 seconds.
-For men, sex burns between 100 and 200 calories on average. On the other hand, it only burns approximately 69 calories for women.
-Four popes have died during sex.
-Women with higher testosterone levels might be more interested in masturbation than having sex with someone else.
-Sleep deprived men are more likely to believe that women want to have sex with them.
-Sex three to five times a week can prevent erectile dysfunction, as it keeps his package in shape.
-There is enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every woman on the planet who is fertile.
-About 100 million couples around the world have sex every day. That means around 65,000 couples are having sex right now.
-New mums are ready to have sex sooner than the six-week wait period instructed by their doctor.
-People who are into kinkier sex may be psychologically healthier.
-You are more likely to orgasm if your feet are warm.
-Studies show that lower cholesterol is directly related to a better performance in the bedroom.
-A woman's breasts increase in size by up to 25% when she is sexually aroused.
-Nipples are erogenous zones because the sensation of hardened nipples travels to the same part of the brain as sensations from the vagina, cervix and the clitoris.
-Endorphins released during sexual activity create a euphoria similar to opioid drug use.
-A man's relationship happiness is related to how often he is touched by his girl.
-Approximately one third of women in their 80's continue to have sex with their husband (or a partner) as long as they are both in good enough physical health to do so.
-If your parents had waited five seconds later, or began five seconds earlier you wouldn't be here.
-At least 50 percent of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives. In 90 percent of cases, the body's immune system will fight off the disease within two years.
-Some people experience the same feeling of arousal when thinking about food as when having sex.
-Making out burns about 20 kilojoules a minute.
-Humans are not the only ones interested in performing oral sex, wolves, bears and bats are also known to partake.
-It's illegal in Florida to have sex in any position other than Missionary. It's also illegal to kiss a woman's breasts whilst having in sex in the Missionary position.
-About 75 percent of men always reach orgasm during sex and only 29 percent of women do.
-After ovulation, a female's egg is fertile for 24 to 48 hours and a man's sperm can live 48 hours in the female body. Do the math and be careful. There have been documented cases of live sperm discovered eight days after sex.
-A woman's odds of climaxing increase as she ages.
-While many know that chocolate can be an excellent arousal for having sex, apparently the smell of pumpkin can help increase the blood flow to the penis to encourage an erection.
-From an evolutionary standpoint, women are louder in bed to attract other males. Men are taught by evolution to become more aroused when they think a woman has had sex recently.
-The smell of pumpkin can increase blood flow to the penis, providing some interesting insight into why men love Thanksgiving so much.


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Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilisation. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights".

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem. However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

"What do you want?" asks the manager. "Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but... well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?" "Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something".

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: "The other miners use this". "What?" "Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out".

Paul is decidedly sceptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut! The best damned blow job he's ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:

"What are you doing here?" "It's my day off". "Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel".


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There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "1" mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a "1" on the wall.

Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another "1" on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"


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-Twelve percent of adults have had sex at work.
-When you kiss someone, you exchange hormonal and health info. It's nature's way of allowing you to assess if you click sexually.
-Low blood sugar can easily cause harm to your love life as low blood sugar makes you irritable and less likely to want your partner.
-46% of American women would give up having sex for two weeks rather than logging off the Internet for the same amount of time.
-At the point of orgasm, both men and women tend to have a heart rate of approximately 140. This is not excessive, but just enters the common cardiovascular zone.
-The record for having sex with the most men in 24 hours goes to American Lisa Sparks who bedded an incredible 919. That's roughly 38 men per hour.
-80 percent of women use vibrators to achieve an orgasm by clitoral stimulation rather than inserting it vaginally.
-Ancient Egyptian women used crocodile dung as contraception. Dung is slightly alkaline, so it may have worked as a spermicide however, odds are more likely that the dung prevented sexual partners from wanting sex in the first place.
-You can't say happiness without saying penis.
-Compliments in bed make you more likely to orgasm. 
-For men under the age of 40, their average time to erection is a mere ten seconds. For some it is shorter, and if it is much longer than ten seconds, it may be an indication of erectile dysfunction.
-It's possible for a guy to orgasm and not ejaculate. So if you don't see any ejac it doesn't mean he's faking it.
-Each year in Brooklyn, there is a smallest penis contest.
-Around 30 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm.
-50 per cent of women say bad sex is a relationship deal breaker, but only 44 per cent of guys agree.
-The initial spurt of a man's ejaculation travels at approximately 28 miles or 45 kilometres per hour, even faster than the 100 meters dash world record, which is currently 22.9 miles per hour.
-Apply a minty lip balm before kissing - it will send tingles to his package. 
-Every year 11,000 Americans injure themselves when trying out bizarre sexual positions.
-Women are having sex 17% more often than the average guy.
-A researcher from Anglia Ruskin University analysed a year-long study of Greek household finances, and found that those who had sex four or more times a week earned significantly more than those who didn't.
-The Kama Sutra lists 30 types of kisses. 
-When a guy touches you, your body temp rises three times more than when a woman touches you.
-28% of Australians admit to having had a threesome at least once. 
-Increase male pleasure by stroking his inner thighs during oral. Because this area is close to his genitals, the extra flow of blood will heighten sensation.
-An ancient "penis curse" was discovered on a Greek island. The curse was inscribed on a lead tablet, and read "May your penis hurt when you make love".
-A study found that good sex triggers the region of the brain associated with falling in love.
-Men can have multiple orgasms, too. Simply continue to pleasure his bits after he's climaxed.
-A blowjob is the number one sexual act desired by straight men.
-Researchers claim that women in stable relationships get a better night's sleep than single women do.
-Only 5% of people have sex once a day, while 20% have sex 3-4 times a week.
-By age 32, a woman's clitoris is four times larger than it was at puberty.
-Studies have shown that men have less sex when they do more housework.
-According to a study, people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.
-Sex can actually blow your mind: transient amnesia (temporary memory loss) can be triggered by wild sex.
-Women have the ability to make their voice sound "sexier" in order to entice their men when needed. Men do not possess such an ability and simply have to rely on other factors.
-The US National Bureau of Economic Research found that having sex often can make you feel as happy as earning an extra $100,000 a year does.
-A 2010 Turkish study looked into the average performance times of men over the course of a year. The researchers found that overweight men lasted almost three times as long in the bedroom.
-The average shelf life of a latex condom is about two years. Condoms kept in wallets for over a month are more likely to break.
-Men think about sex around 19 times a day. Women about ten times.
-Approximately 60% of men who get aroused have erect nipples. In fact, the nipples are just as sensitive in men as they are in women.
-Women can have wet dreams too. It happens in the REM cycle when blood flow to the vagina increases. 
-Some studies suggest that men whose wives earn more money than them are more likely to experienced erectile dysfunction.
-There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen. Dieters should think twice before swallowing. On the other hand, -Semen includes nitrogen, fructose, lactic acid, ascorbic acid, inositol, cholesterol, glutathione, creatine, pyruvic acid, citric acid, sorbitol, urea, uric acid and Vitamin B12, along with various salts and enzymes. Basically its good for you. Eat up.
-The more masculine-looking a guy is, the more times you'll orgasm.
-Clitoris sensitivity is thanks its 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many as contained in the penis. As such, it is this area that most helps a woman reach orgasm.
-A quick way to get in the mood: hug your guy for 30 seconds. Cuddling boosts oxytocin (aka the bonding hormone) and libido.

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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you" at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise" said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm" she said softly "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"


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An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No... I never did dance... never really wanted to".

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're going to dance now!" and started shooting at the old woman's feet. Not wanting to get her toes blown off, the old woman prospector started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out her double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sound too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the gun never wavered in the old woman hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No m'am... but I've always wanted to".

There are lessons here for all of us:
1. Never be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


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A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.

"What are you doing?" he says "I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock".

His dad thought about it for a minute and said "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen". His son quite naturally said "Sure why not".

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother".


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So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm and asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says "Nope, not quite twenty pounds". He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can" said the farmer "Watch this". He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.

The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said "This one weighs twenty pounds".

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet" the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman".


Well I could go on... but let's not. Instead let's...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Some people dedicate their life to science or charity or whatever but mine has pretty much been about porn and that's what you'll find in the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Please won't you join us?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will put spiders in your bed. Lots of the cunts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and submit unto me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.