orsmupdate 2015.04.16-21.08
Bookmark and Share

Welcome to I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I've barely moved from my desk for the last 12 hours whilst smashing away at this update but for whatever reason, completely unable to make it my bitch. Long story short, you guys get everything as normal except the rambling nonsense that usually fills this top section. Oh what's that? No one reads it anyway? Well if that's the case then now might be a good time to get a few things off my chest. Firstly, you're alllll cunts. Secondly, check it...


I met a woman last night who told me that she wanted sex really badly. I said "Well I'm definitely your man, I'm fucking terrible"...
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went into the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart; tears were welling in my eyes... then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30!
A man and a woman had just gotten married. She was not a virgin, but she wanted him to THINK that she was. So she decided that on their honeymoon, when he first starts to enter her, she'll snap her garter and it will sound like her cherry is popping. The night of the honeymoon comes and they are in the throes of passion. He kisses her gently on the lips and starts to slide it in. She snaps her garter and his whole body goes stiff as a board. "What was that" the man snarled through clenched teeth. "It was my cherry, you popped it" she whispered in his ear. ""Well" the man growled" pop it again, IT'S GOT ME BY THE BALLS!!! "
An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel. One of the prostitutes calls out "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?" The old man replies "No, my child, I cannot!" The prostitute "Cheer up!! Let us try!" The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old. The prostitute says "Oh gosh! And you still say you cannot" The old man replies "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"
An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a check-up and says "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests". The woman says "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour".
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night". The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night". The third one turns around and says "If I get home, rip off me knickers throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers. Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes. They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What going on here?" asks the officer. "I making love to my wife!" Bubba answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop "I didn't know". Bubba says "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face!"

Click for more awesomeness

Judge DoucheYou'll Never Believe Why Armed Home Invaders Got Off With Probation - Dat Ass!After Watching Her Stretch Routine, You Will Be Ready For A Workout - LOL Pathetic!Watch 'Say Goodnight Fight' - The Lamest Brawl Ever Undertaken Between Two People Ever - Perfectly Timed'Just The Right Moment' - 67 Wonders (Or flukes) Of Nature That Are Perfectly Timed - Dita Von TitsDita Von Teese, The International Queen Of Burlesque, Brings Her One-Of-A-Kind Style To The Renowned Crazy Horse In Paris For A Thrilling Sensual Show. - War Babes Israel's Supermodel Army: 18-20 Year-Old Female Soldiers Serving In The Israeli Defense Forces - WT-Burger!?This Guy Really Loves His Burgers... Well I Think He's Talking About Burgers...? - Bwahahaha!!Friends Scream As Girl Gets Attacked By A Huge Terrifying Monster Of The Deep! (Well, A Harmless Manatee) - Love ThisZombies Vs Penguins 3. Thank The Frook Above We Have Penguins In This World To Look After The Rest Of Us. Without These Brave Creatures, The World Would Quickly Be Overrun With Zombies.

Glow PathIt's Time To Chill. Time To Relax. Time To Play A Brain-Teaser That Will Calm Your Mind Whilst Stretching It To Fuckery. - Srsly WOWSofia Vergara Is So Nude In The Bath That Your Penis May Begin To Shed Tears Of Joy - Bursting OutBusty Blonde Sabrina Nichole Has Been Chosen As Playboy’s Cybergirl Of The Month For April, And We're All Totally On Board With That! - R U Sure?Piercing His GFs Clit! THEN FUCKING HER! #likeaboss - Leaked NudesAlleged Charlotte McKinney Leaked Pics - Jumbo TitsThis Webcam Freak Has Jugs Growing Out Of Her Stomach. She Should Ask For A Refund On That Tit Job. - Nudie WalkFor Someone Walking Down The Street With Her Vagina Out She Seems Pretty Happy - "The Talk"That Awkward Moment When You Have To Discuss Sex With Your Daughter For The First Time And It Turns Out She Knows More Than You! - Tasty TeenTasty Teen Kitty Katzu Dreams Of Getting Fucked By Big Fat Dicks Like A Dirty Little Whore - SnipedBiker Hit And Knocked Off By A Flying Tyre

Shape FoldWhat Could Be At First Written Off As A Silly Game For Kids Quickly Starts To Be Come Oh So Much Better... Think Smoking Crack As You Have Sex With An 18yo Blonde Virgin... - Epic HeadSeems To Me She Doesn't Need That Much Instruction On How To Make Her Guy Blow A Huge Load Directly Down Her Throat. Awes! - WTF Is It?WTF Is This Alien Creature!?! This Creeps Me The Fuck Out! - Cunt-tastic!This Chick Brings New Meaning To The Word Gunt. It Must Be A Bloody Mess When It's That Time Of The Month. - 70's PornoHer First Visit To The Gynaecologist Ends With Her Losing Her Innocence - Perfect BodHoly Shit Why Can't I Have A Neighbour This Damn Hot? - Model TitsTopless Models By Christian Macdonald For Document Journal - Oozing SexIf Jelena Jensen Keeps Oozing Sexuality Like That She Is Going To Hurt Someone - Straining NipsSophie Monk Nips Straining Hard Against Her Thin White Shirt As She Casually Walks Down The Street

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!" "No" replies the man. "She just sort of lays there".
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 'ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister" said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips". "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em!"
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering. "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $5,000 down, and payments of $850 for 24 months, plus payments for extras". "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed "That sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmm" the doctor murmured "that obvious, huh?"


Click for more awesomeness


Seems the only thing some teachers actually helped some of us learn was just how bad they were at... you know... teaching...

-Worst teacher ever: 9th grade art teacher. He was going through a divorce with his wife of six months, his 3rd marriage, and showed up to class sloppy drunk. Cracked open a Miller Lite right then and there, referred to his soon-to-be-ex as a "cunt" and asked each female student present why women are "hardwired to be soul-sucking, money-grubbing bitches". Then told us all to fuck off, spit out his beer, and stormed out of class. Surprisingly enough, it took the school THREE WEEKS to fire him and he later unsuccessfully brought forth a lawsuit for "wrongful termination".

-My second grade teacher told me I was adopted. I was and did not know it up until then.

-I'm deaf and wear two hearing aids. If I were ever naughty, as punishment, my grade 3 teacher used to take off my hearing aids and make me sit in the hallway alone.

-One of my brothers was a pain in the butt, teacher's pet type. The other a class clown. Because I looked more like class clown brother, my high school years were filled with teachers who automatically thought I was a troublemaker. I had one teacher actually hold me after class and say "No Paulsen ever gets better than a B in my class - I don't care how great the work is, I don't care if you know more than I do... you can thank your brother for that, or I suggest you drop my class".

-Back in my early college years, I was hardcore into playing EverQuest. My electrical engineering professor was as super cool guy. During the semester, I learned that he just happened to play EverQuest too and it turned out that we were on the same server. Throughout the course of the semester, I would offer to trade Platinum (the in-game currency of EverQuest) to him for leeway in the course, be it skipping class, homework forgiveness, or answers to tests, which he *ahem* may or may not have accepted. Needless to say, I received an A in that class for very little work and attendance.

-My high school psych teacher. We learned very little psychology in her class, which mostly consisted of her telling us stories about her family. One of them involved a nephew she found particularly annoying, and whom she appeared to enjoy mentally abusing. Yes, she told us stories about some of the things she did. Like it was all... okay. Sometimes the world of psychology is populated by some very damaged individuals.

-Our teacher would dump the contents of your desk out in front of the class and make you clean it up while everyone watched if you took too long getting out a book or pencil.

-My worst teacher experience was in 2nd grade when I got in a fight with a kid for stealing my Swamp Thing toy. The teacher broke us up and decided since the other kid claimed the toy was his and that he didn't steal it, she'd just keep it and send us both to detention for fighting.

-My bad teacher was my 4th grade teacher. I am not sure if it was her old age, or being from a different era but she was a stern and mean lady. I was a big boy back then, or as my mum liked to say "husky". There was another Eric in class who was a little taller than the rest of us, so when the class was set to learn about the difference between length and width she made me and the other Eric stand up in front of the class to provide a real world example of length vs. width.

-She was my first grade teacher. Absolutely nothing but awful and rude to me and made me sit by myself every day, made fun of me and had other kids make fun of me with her for answering a question wrong.

-I volunteered to bring my model rocket to school and do a launch during class. It went well and I asked if I could leave the rocket and supplies in his class to pick up after school. He enjoyed the launch so much, he repeated it for the next class with my rocket, without me. And launched it into a forest. But the worst was his demonstration of the corrosive power of sulphuric acid. He put a beaker full on a table in the front of the class, dropped in a handful of pennies and wandered the class lecturing. As the fumes from the acid and coins spread, students were dropping like flies, running from the room, throwing up at their chairs, crying about their eyes burning. Yeah, he was bad...

-In high school, our dance director was about 22 and thought she could run our team by being our "friend". She liked to walk around barefoot on campus and earned the nickname "blackfoot" because of her severely soiled feet. She was known to lay on her back in the gym with her shirt up to her chest showing her very pregnant stomach... she loved to be barefoot and pregnant. The night of our senior recital, at almost 9 months pregnant, she danced with us and did a tremendous leap, everyone thought her water was going to break on stage. I couldn't help thinking that recitals were supposed to showcase student achievement... not staff.

-I had a high school math teacher who, in his spare time, dressed up like a knight and attended renaissance fairs. While we took tests, I shit you not, he would use the opportunity to practice his swordplay with a yard stick, fighting an invisible opponent as we tried to concentrate. Those were the days...

-When I lived in South Africa, we had corporal punishment in school. I had a math teacher who had it out for me. He'd cane me for offences like 'bad handwriting'. One time I got 98% on a test, beat everyone in the class, including his favourites. Result? He gave me two licks anyway. Why? So next time I wouldn't miss the remaining 2%.

-Sixth grade history teacher, class full of students, and all of my friends and everyone else were shocked when the teacher called my parents are "poor dirt farmers". We're still not sure what the context was!

-I was a fat kid in middle school, and I had a PE teacher that just hated me. Every time we had to split into teams for any sports event like hockey, basketball, etc. Instead of pulling out the large yellow jerseys to distinguish an opposite team, he would point to me and say "skins". Being a fat kid with a stomach and boy-boobs is a recipe for other kids to taunt. I remember the teacher even laughing at some of the comments. This happened all the time.

-When I was 14, I had a young male science teacher who was really into heavy metal like me and my friends. He ended up taking my four best friends to see Pantera. This was in 1991, before they had blown up, a club gig with stage diving and all that fun stuff an 8th grader dreams of doing. My mum wouldn't let me go because she said "HE COULD BE A CHILD MOLESTER!" My friends all had a great time. But the twist is, the very next year, he was fired and arrested for sleeping with one of his students. So mum was right the whole time! Still, his affair was with a female, so I don't think I would've been in any danger.

-I have a distinct memory of an English teacher in the early part of high school that had something called 'the chair of truths'. Every other day when we would meet for her class she would randomly pick someone from the class to sit on this thing directly in front and facing the class. Every single person in the class had to say one thing they liked about the student and one thing they didn't. Most days it would go down like: "Jennifer you are really smart and also a bitch". After a couple weeks when everyone hated each other and self-esteem was at an all-time low the chair of truths was retired.


click for gallery

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

When I was 18, and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


Click for more awesomeness

An 18 year-old girl from tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each".

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again!"


click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness



-My bad teacher experience was with a middle school science teacher who laughed maniacally after my best friend and lab partner stuck a pair of tweezers into an electrical socket on a dare. He was still laughing as a ball of electricity blew out of the socket and across the floor. He was laughing as my friend stood crying with singed fingers and frizzy hair in our science lab that had no lights on since the circuit was blown. In the darkness I could hear his crazy laughter. I'll never forget that. He hated his students.

-My 9th grade English teacher was a drunk. We would see her filling a shopping cart with the cheap gallon jugs of wine all the time. She was lit every morning before school. One day we decided to hide all the chalk but glue one piece to floor in front of the board. She saw it, wobbled over to it and bent over to pick it up. Of course the chalk didn't budge. Tried a dozen more times. Then she stood up and just stared at it for an eternity. Finally, she went back to her desk and said "Fuck it. No lesson today. Read your books".

-During my freshman year of high school our home room teacher went on sabbatical for the second half of the year. In her absence they got this crazy old hippie to fill in for her for the remainder of the year. She made us rearrange all of our desks so that we were sitting in a circle because she felt the energy was better that way. She would also spend most of our class time just rambling and telling us all kinds of crazy stories. The best one was where she revealed that she had a love affair with Gene Hackman. She claimed that as a young woman she lived on the road and often relied on the kindness of others as she bounced from one place to another. At one point she end up living on Gene Hackman's property with him and his lady friend, and my teacher and Hackman ended up having a short but passionate affair. She claimed that anytime she watched a Gene Hackman movie she would get emotional.

-I had a teacher in freshman English who would give the girls bonus points and extra credit for wearing short skirts to class. He also was guilty of some pretty consistent touchy, caressing, grabby personal space violations with them too. It wasn't until I was older and he was out of the school that I realised how wrong it was.

-MONDAY: Mr. A. teaches our calculus class the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. TUESDAY: Mr. A.: "Okay, now can anyone tell me the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus?" [silence] "Anyone?" [silence] "ANYONE? It's the FUNDAMENTAL theorem". [silence] "Y'all are fuckin' cocksuckers, get out of here".

-When my business marketing teacher tried teaching us a formula for figuring out how much your profit margin is and no one could figure it out. So we looked in the text book and were shown a different formula. When we told her the book showed us a different formula. She told us she knew her way was wrong but do it her way anyway.

-My PE teacher really wasn't a great teacher. He really hated marriage and in-laws. My freshmen year he told the entire class. "For God's Sakes wear a condom! What I heard about some of these girls here... you do not want to knock up any of those bitches!! You WILL kiss your life and future good bye!" Let's say every guy in the locker room had the same look and thought: "Which girls?"

-It's always nice when a teacher tells you you're going to end up in prison for no reason. My 3rd grade teacher hated me, told me on more than one occasion "You are poor white trash, you will just end up in prison, I wish I didn't have to waste my time on you" and "I am not wasting my time teaching poor white prison trash, figure it out yourself". I told my parents, the principal, counsellors, he managed to talk his way out of it and no one believed me at all...

-I was slapped in the face and yanked up by my arm by one of my teachers for trying to help another kid pick up his crayons that fell on the ground!

-The first day of senior English, the teacher comes in and recounts a story about a theatre class where two actors were on stage rehearsing when a cockroach scurried across the stage. One actor wanted to kill it, the other thought it should be let outside. They got into a big fight, so the director walked onto the stage, walked over to them and stomped on the roach shouting "I decide what lives and dies in my classroom!" As the teacher said this last line, she looked at every single person in the room with CRAZY eyes. We were sitting there thinking "holy crap - she's going to kill someone before the end of the school year". I'd never been so terrified of a teacher before.

-I had a Latin teacher who was actually quite good at instilling information, but it was mainly through raw fear and the ability to throw a chalk-board eraser with unnerving accuracy. It didn't help that his best friend was the borderline psychotic History teacher who had his eye carved out by the Mau-Mau during the Kenyan Civil War. Turned out that the Latin teacher had been a British Military Intelligence interrogator in Cypress during the 1950's. Trust me, nothing makes you learn your declensions like modified enhanced interrogation techniques. The saddest part was that his smoking hot daughter was in my class, but no-one dared ask her out.

-We had a business teacher who said he was a big fan of "group learning" so he would put us in groups and make us correct our own homework and teach each other while he spent the class time gambling online. We all failed business.

-From an English teacher, I got "Feminism is why I have to be here with you instead of with my own kids".

-I had a teacher in 7th grade technology class, which was essentially a bullshit class made so we would have some basic idea of how basic things like an engine and a battery worked. Anyways, the teacher for that class legitimately didn't do anything all day, would openly hit on this one kid and one day just cussed out the entire class about how terrible we were and how we should all go fuck ourselves. She was almost immediately let go.

-I had a chemistry teacher once tell me, in front of the class, the following: "I think you and I are both glad there are only two weeks left in the school year, because frankly, I don't think I can stand to look at your face any longer than that". It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I was later told what set him off: my relentless correcting all of the typos on his handouts and tests. I thought I was helping.

-I remember getting in shit with a teacher because I got 100% in a test. Apparently, I embarrassed the other kids.

-A math teacher told my mum it was a good thing my little brother was good looking because he was dumb as a post. I also had a PE teacher tell our class that girls shouldn't play sports.

Click for more awesomeness


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $200?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200".

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.


click for gallery

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and said "From listening to ya, I can't help but think you're from Ireland". The other woman responded, proudly "I surely am!

The first one said "So am I! And where bouts in Ireland are ya from?" The other woman answered "I'm from Dublin ". The first one responded "So, am I!! And what street did ya live on in Dublin?"

The other woman said "A loovely little area in the west end; Warbury Street in the old central part of town". The first one said "Faith and begorrah, it's a small world! So did I! And what school did ya go to?"

The other woman answered "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary". The first one got really excited then and said "So did I! So did I! What year did you graduate?" The other woman answered "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1994".

The first woman exclaimed "Good Lord! I can hardly believe the luck of us winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1994 meself!"

About this time, a regular, Michael, walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head and muttering "It's going to be a long night, Michael!" Michael asked "And why's that, Brian?" Brian answered "The Murphy twins are drunk again".


click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.

So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says "Let me tell you a story... one day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says "Get off your horse". Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says "Now drop your pants". Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says "Now shit". Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I shit. Then he says "Now eat it". Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say "Drop your pants". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say "Now shit". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He shits. Then I say "Now eat it". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes... I had lunch with him last week"...


click for gallery

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said "Whatcha got there son?"

Johnny said "Got me some chicken wire". "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch... with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape". "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said "Got me some pussy willow". The old man said "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"


-Check out the site archives. If you were a friend you would.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I might even try working even longer hours so I can finish on time... *shrug*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray Will make you eat an actual bag of dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you were wondering does everyone just tolerate you then the answer is yes. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.