Welcome to overexposed, commercialised.
I'm incredibly proud of this update. So much so that I want you all to get busy enjoying it immediately. To accomplish this I've forgone the bloggy/writing bit at the top here.... oh and yep - I am monumentally behind schedule, tired and hungry so that may have had something to do with not wasting to delay a couple more hours spieling . Really do love this update though. It's fucking mint. Check it...
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
A man stood outside his house after a bitter divorce and noticed a crate of beer bottles. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing "You are the reason I don't have a wife". He smashed the second bottle "You are the reason I don't have children". He smashed the third bottle "You are the reason I don't have a job". When he took the fourth bottle, he realised that the bottle was still SEALED and filled with beer. He said to the bottle "YOU STAND ASIDE, I KNOW YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED".
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm fucked". Suddenly there is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out "No, you are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Now you're fucked!"
Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".
"Your honour" a defence attorney began "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the part of the crime when it occurred". The judge looked at the defence table and said "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies". The offender stood up with a confused expression and said "Your honour, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life". Waving his finger, the judge replied "I was referring to your lawyer".
When my 4 year old granddaughter said her bedtime prayers she would bless every family member, every friend, and every family pet (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, she would say "And all girls". This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her "Why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon. The first night Gary spends six hours eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologises up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, shaking her head, and whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair". "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I'd found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
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There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations: I just read of a professional, who after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top.
A young lass went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam" said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?" "Braille" she replied.
I shouted over to my neighbour earlier "Your kid's moustache looks stupid! Get it shaved off!" "Give me one good reason why I should" he replied. "I'll give you two, Abdul" I said "She's seven".
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Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean.
After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.
Billy yelled at Little Johnny "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!" Little Johnny yelled back "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island".
So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming.
He looked at Billy and said "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!" And Billy said "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on".
Previously on Orsm: BRIDESMAIDS #1 - MORE >
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke".
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay" she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly sneaks into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
"Huh?" they say.
She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers". She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says "Luke?" Luke says "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me neither" says Jed. "Let's take these things off".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".
Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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ORSM VIDEO: THE FIGHTING, BOOZING AND THIEVING EDITION
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come in.
"Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The attorney agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank".
"Tell me" the lawyer asked "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral". The lawyer remarked "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!"
"But tell me" he continued "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me". "This is a very unusual request" the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you".
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and, with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished".
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled "Pick me up tomorrow. She's going to let the GOVERNMENT bury her".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said "I'll be 16 tomorrow". "I know" said the baker with a smile "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face".
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Previously on Orsm: BEACH MUFF #1 - MORE >
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth" he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth, she asks.
"I have three questions" he says. "First - what ever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? And, third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after the break.
When they resume Hillary says "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny" he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions" he says. "First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? "Third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth - where the fuck is Kenneth?"
OLDER SHITE: 15th February - 8th February - 1st February - 25th January - 18th Janaury - 11th January - MORE >
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while". Billy says: "I'm fine, mummy... I just haven't gone doody yet". "Oka" says mum "you can stay here a few more minutes... but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says "Works for ketchup!"
Previously: #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.
First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything. So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".
Previously on Orsm: ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASSANDRA - SUZAN - MORE >>
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cut toxic people out of your life; reap the rewards. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.