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The Advice Asshole...

Got a problem too big for Oprah or Jerry Springer? Well you're in luck because the Advice Asshole is here to help! Email the Advice Asshole with all your problems at theadviceasshole@yahoo.com.

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Dear Mr Asshole,
I saw your offer for advice on http://www.orsm.net/ and submit my questions. I would like some advice. I have this virgin girlfriend I wanna bone and she seems pretty amped as well. I need 2 pieces of advice. Firstly: Do you think I should give her a quicky or the full 2 minutes? After all I I'm a bloke and all I should care about is blowing my load is it not?

Secondly: Should I do her doggy style or should I do her in missionary position? Do u think chicks dig their first boning from behind?

Sincerely
John
(e-mail withheld by request)

Dear John,

First off, you’ve got an advantage with your virgin ass. You can give her either a quicky or the full two minutes cuz she won’t know the difference, it’s her first time, dipshit. I mean you might wanna work on your longest time being two minutes, but for the first time, I don’t think she’ll mind all that much.

Secondly, I don’t know about anyone else in the world, but shit, if I had a virgin, I wouldn’t do missionary or doggy. Man, get kinky with her. Get some rope, duct tape, and four ceiling mountable hooks. What you wanna do is duct tape her mouth and eyes shut. After you’re done with that, tie four pieces of rope to the hooks on the ceiling. Then take the rope and tie her ankles and wrists to the rope that’s hanging from the hooks (so she’s lying down, but suspended in the air.) Then you fuck her like that for a couple of minutes, cum in her face, and while she’s mumbling because she can’t see or talk, take a shit on her face. If you don’t like the shit on her face idea, while she’s suspended go for some ANAL LOVE!! She can’t fight back, and she can’t complain…

That’s just my opinion, and I know I’m not wrong…

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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I am a big man (6’ 5" 250lbs). I am with a small woman (5’ 1" 110lbs). We have been together for a few years now. She is very open to the idea of anal sex, but every time I try she tells me no. How do I get her to give me the green light for the brown eye?

Smashed Tarantula

Well Smashed Tarantula,
There is only one option left. Go to your local hardware store and buy a cinder block, and then stop at your grocery store and buy a few beers. Go home, and hit your girl over the head with the cinder block. While she’s passed out, ram her ass hard, and then get drunk to make it look like you had no control over what you were doing. Hope that idea helps.

That’s just my opinion, and I know I’m not wrong…

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Dear AA,

I hope you can help me with two problems;

1. I have been married (to the same woman) for 18 years and I’m finding it more difficult to get hot gorilla sex with my fine wife. I have considered rohypnol, chloroform etc but it wouldn’t be the same. Can you offer me some advice on how to jolly the old ball and chain along and improve my situation?

2. This problem is more of an etiquette issue. As you are no doubt a man of the world perhaps you can help me with the perennial problem of ridding myself of a complete loser who insists on talking when the rest of my pals are enjoying some post-footie analysis of the game in the bar. Is "shut the fuck up, you tattooed fuckwit" considered rude or should we resort to physical violence?

Anyway I hope you can help before next Saturday night for both the above problems. Who knows it might be a good night?

In hope,
Worried of Hemel Hempstead UK



Ok, first off it’s The Advice Asshole. Not AA….

Now, as far as getting hot gorilla sex, stop looking at your wife, start concentrating on a hot young secretary looking for a few promotions…

If you’re chillin in the bar, have a few drinks watchin a game, you need to realize that the guy that starts being an obnoxious boob, is rude first. "Hey man, Shut The Fuck Up!!" is quite appropriate for that situation. If that doesn’t work, then resort to violence. My favourite combination of attacks to a drunk are as follows:

1) Hit him over the head with your bottle (or glass)
2) Kick him in the back of the knee while he’s still dazed about being hit over the
head
3) Now, while he’s on the ground, whip out your cock, and piss in his eye…

I can GUARUNTEE that he will NEVER be obnoxious again…

That’s just my opinion, and I know I’m not wrong…

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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Dear advice asshole,

My gf has never let me do her anally, and it’s something that I’ve been wanting to try fo a long time. Any advice on how to convince her ?

She’s pretty open about a lot of other stuff (binding, swallowing, dildos) but buttfucking her would be the Holy Grail for me. Please help.

Assless in Quebec

Ok Assless in Quebec,

I’ve got to say something. Most of my answers are risqué, and not to be taken seriously, but damn man, if half of the men in the world had a woman that was willing to do bondage, swallow everything, and play with dildos, they would never cheat. I think that on the scale of things, you’ve got way more than you need.

Her saying no to anal love is perfectly fine with everything else that she does. If you really want to get her ass ripped open, offer to have a threesome with another guy. Sure, it makes you gay, but she’ll be indebted to you for doing that for her...

That’s just my opinion, and I know I’m not wrong…

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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hi asshole,

i have a problem and i wonder if you could advise me on what to do. I know this girl who is a really good friend of mine, we've known each other for ages and we talk all the time. Problem is I really want to fuck her, but she's married and her husband is twice the size of me. I'm worried that she'll tell him if I tell her about my secret yearning to fuck her in the ass... what do you think i should do?

Thanks
Humler

Well Humler,

You have two options. One is to tell her about your yearning, and await the response. The way I see it, there is only 25% chance of getting in the sack.

1) She says "Holy Shit!! Me too!!" Throws her clothes on the floor and hops on top of you.
2) She says "No." and tells her big boyfriend, he comes over and kicks your ass.
3) She says "No." and decides that she doesn't want to be associated with you any more.
4) She says "No." and decides to kick your ass personally.

So what do you have to lose? Alot, man. Shit, if you think that- Wait a minute, I'm The Advice Asshole... I can't tell you that... Ok, let me start over.

You have two options. One is to build a tree house outside of her bedroom window, invest in some good binoculars and some Kleenex. Watch her getting boned by her hubby and whack off until you're dry. The second one is not as nice, but seeing as you want her really bad I'll let you in on a little secret. It's called: FIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN WOMAN TO FUCK. JESUS CHRIST MAN, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HER THEN YOU KNOW SHE DOESN'T WANNA FUCK YOU, OR ELSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MARRIED. GET OVER IT...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong.

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com

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When you are fucking your girl in the tits and cum on her face with some going in her eye - are you suppose to say:

A. Sorry!
B. Here is a tissue! or
C. Glad it didn’t go up your nose!"

Your advice!
Michael L. Scott


Ok, first off you don't "fuck your girl in her tits." That would leave a really bloody mess, because you don't fuck "in" the tits. You fuck between them. Secondly, YOU WEREN'T AIMING FOR HER EYES?!?!? Oh wait, I just figured it out. You can't. I mean most men spew out millions, upon millions of sperm when they ejaculate. You just spew two or three. Yeah that's right you heard me. You can't hit her in her eyes, because you barely hit anything...

That's just my opinion, and I know I'm not wrong...

-The Advice Asshole
theadviceasshole@yahoo.com


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