A [mostly Australian] saying for every occasion. There's some good ones in here that I'd forgotten so it's well worth a read...
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nun's nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bull's bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I NEED TO DO A POO...
"Going for a Chris."
"Going to drop a Chris off at the pool"
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"I'm gonna choke a darkie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage."
"i gotta lay some cables for Telstra."
"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
"No wucking furries."
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pig's breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted Ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deckchairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"You got a head like a busted watermelon."
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"
"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock."
"You choppy cunt" (You’re on drugs if you think what you are saying is right)