In the following (allegedly) authentic complaints received by local Councils from their tenants, there are several points which might be misconstrued and seen as a source of amusement by those of low intellect and immature sense of humour. For the rest of us, this will serve as a morally improving example of the crude innuendo enjoyed by the masses: I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle.
- This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. It's all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
- The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand?
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
- Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.
- I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.