Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico
Peace out, Blue States.
I probably should have known that posting something like the above would attract a few responses...
Subject: Blue v Red States
Orsm, Love the site best on web. As one of the peolpe in the "Blue" states that was some funny stuff. But just remember that the "Reds" probably have 90-95% of the guns and ammo and the crazy rednecks willing to use them. Keep up the awesome work! Dan in a Blue State
Subject: Dear Red States,,,,,
Fine by me,,,,, I'll be happy to stay in Texas,,,,, cause we still have the best looking women and at least they have some fucking common sense and decency about them! Fuck the RED SOCIALIST BASTARD STATES! So long as WE don't have to put up with osamabamallama,,,,, we're a damn sight
John Maurer wrote:
Subject: Red States
Dear Blue States. This works for us. We will have the best football teams, college and pro. We will have almost all the US oil including shale oil and can drill in ANWR and off the coast whenever we want. We might have to pay $1/gal for gas, but don't worry, we will only charge you the same as your friends in Venezuela and the Arab states and we won't renegotiate NAFTA so Canada can raise their price for oil sold to us. We will have the majority of gold, wheat, cotton and corn. Again, we won't charge too much for the ethanol components you will be needing to offset the greenhouse gasses your wildfires are releasing.
Of course, California's restrictions will finish off Michigan's auto industry.
We have Dell, AMD, IBM and EXXON. (I wonder where Obama will get his windfall profits tax from? perhaps from Oprah). You can have all the "rich" people for the 2-3 months they remain there until they tire of spreading the wealth to the deadbeats.
We get Texas, Oklahoma, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Alabama, Ole' Miss, Clemson and the University of Georgia (you say that as though it is a bad thing).
You also get Bill Ayers and his terrorist wife, "the US of KKK A" Rev Wright, the economic leaders who caused the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac debacle who now give economic advice to the all-wise and powerful Barack Hussein Obama , Ted Kennedy, Al "global warming" Gore, the Billary Clintons and Rahm "Al Capone" Emanuel. Also, you get all living redwoods, sequoias and condors (until your wildfires wipe them out), all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, MIT and Hollywood (you say that as though it is a good thing).
You also get most of the active volcanoes and earthquakes (let us know when they come up with an effective warning siren for them).
You're taking the good pot, too? It may be legalized when Obama gets in 'cause he will want to light up a doobie in the oval office and he will need it to keep the moron majority in line but we will have the the homegrown blends.
Finally, Obama will legalize prostution throughout Nuevo California as it will be the only job his wife and daughters will ba able to get after he finishes with your economy.
Peace on you, too. the Red States
(John Maurer, native Texan)
Subject: Response to the Open Letter from the Blue States.
Hello again Mr. Orsm! The site still rocks; this one is short and sweet. Thought I'd offer my rebuttal to "the letter from the blue states."
Dear Blue States, So let's recap, shall we? You're a nation full of self-proclaimed "geniuses" with over-priced educations and the bravery to kill unborn babies but not your fellow man? You're doped up on the best weed that's available. If you're full of liberals and democrats then personal possession of firearms is undoubtedly banned in your new country. AND, you're anti-war? Perfect! We'll just take all that shit right back from you..you can write us angry letters afterwards.
See you soon! The Red States..but you may call us "Sir."
Subject: dear blue states
You can have your own country as long as you keep the 20 million illegal aliens. (most of which reside in your blue sanctuary states anyway). And since most criminals are from the cities of your blue states, we'll be fine with a much lower crime rate. peace for us, Red states.