|THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BEING AN AUSSIE
1. The bigger the hat,
the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname,
the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening
of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian
event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to
you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire.
Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that
cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians
hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes.
No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design
knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes
9. The alpha male in any
group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host
and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until
the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. It is proper to refer
to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast,
your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed
with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and
widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming
14. It's considered better
to be down on your luck than up yourself.
15. The phrase "we've
got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks
16. If invited to a party,
you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking
the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
17. The phrase "a
simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
18. Unless ethnic or a
Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on
your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence
is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. On picnics, the Esky
is always too small, creating a food v's grog battle that can only
ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
20. When on a country
holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always
be slightly larger than the pool itself.
21. There comes a time
in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard
is worse than the mozzies.
22. And, finally, the
true test for immigration to Australia ... Potential new Aussies
must pass the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20
degree angle) in a pair of thongs, holding a VB while watching the
cricket. If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able
to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.