THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - Clever
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass
on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very
wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties
Stage 2 - Attractive
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person
in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to
a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can
talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - Rich
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless
wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you
are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it
doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you
are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - Invincible
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle
of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because
as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're
more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table
to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them
for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want
to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top
of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still CLEVER you know all the words.