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Feng Shite...

Forget about "Feng Shui". Using the "Feng Shite" techniques make more sense...

Instead of rearranging stuff in your house to improve inner harmony (or whatever), try the equally ancient art of House Messing. This definitive guide will change your life forever.

EENIE MEENIE MINIE MO
Aim to have at least six different bottles of shampoo and conditioners open and in use at any one time.

LET THEM DO IT
A key advantage of married life is the 50% reduction in your obligation to change the bed sheets.

PONGY MESS
Never wash out your cans properly before you put them in your recycling bag. This way they will start to smell quite nicely within a few days.

CREATING BALANCE IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Use the top of the wardrobe to build a structurally challenged pile of things you might one day either throw away or store in the loft.

NO CLEAN CUPS?
Purchase extra supplies of mugs, teaspoons and knives. They will equip you to survive an extra day before having to wash up.

THE PHYSICS OF MAXIMUM DAMP
Remember that towels dry better hanging horizontally.

POT PLANTS
Kill them. Leave them in sit for six months before burial.

YOUR HOLIDAY UNPACKING FORMULA
(x(x+2))/3=y
x = the number of days you were on holiday
y = the number of days you leave your half unpacked suitcases and toiletry bags scattered throughout the house.

HAVE A 'THINGS PENDING' WALL
Bookshelves make an ideal holding pen for miscellaneous chores - items, for example, you intend to file some day, return to the shop for a refund, fix, or post to your cousin in Australia.

WHEN THE PAPER RUNS OUT...
Leave empty loo rolls on ! the toilet room floor. They will eventually make their own way to the rubbish bin.

FLOWER POWER
Keep bouquets in their vases long enough to ensure that the leaves and petals drop onto the floor.

DISH MOUNTAIN
'This needs soaking' is a House Messing mantra. Use and abuse it.

IN HONOUR AND MEMORY OF THY MISSING LIDS
Religion is an important cornerstone of Feng Shite. Make your bathroom window sill a shrine to lidless tubes of toothpaste.

COFFEE TABLES
Buy one with a lower shelf designed to display posh, oversized photographic books ('Big Cats Close Up' and 'New York Loft Architecture' type of thing). Use the lower shelf to create an 8ft square living sculpture called "I think my lost car keys are in there somewhere".

FENG FRIDGE
Cover your fridge door with magnets, memos, alphabet sets, shopping lists, favourite greeting cards and cartoon strips. This will replace a clean, white empty surface with a random visual explosion - Feng Shite at it's finest!

FEE FI FO FENG
Growing sees is such fun!. Nurture some herbs on your windowsill in little terracotta pots. The herbs won't grow and the soil will turn fantastically damp and mouldy. If you're lucky some spiders might move in, or a cigarette butt.

ELIMINATE GRATUITOUS CHORES
The bath sees more fresh water than any other household object or surface. It is therefore self-cleaning.

PETS
Long haired varieties are best. (Though budgies and camels are also good.)

THE MODERN ELEMENT
Fire, Earth, Wind and Water are all fine and dandy, but House Messers prefer Plastic! Save supermarket carrier bags as if your life depended on it.

NEWSPAPERS
Buy weekend edition papers every Saturday and Sunday. Leave the Saturday edition scattered over the table until you read it on Wednesday. Leave the Sunday edition scattered on the lounge floor until you read it on Friday. Leave the supplements from both in the toilet until someone else removes them.

PENS
Never EVER throw one out.

FILE & DUMP
Use piles to collect and store dirty laundry. Studies show that beneath the door of the washing machine, the foot of your bed, and any spot on the bathroom floor work best.

BABIES
Have as many as possible.

TOYS
Only buy huge, obtrusive toys, made of garish, primary-coloured pieces of plastic.

I'M DAMNED IF I'M PICKING THAT UP!
Though toys with zillions of pieces are also good, try large tubs of Lego and little wooden train sets.

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT
Place a ! large bowl next to the telephone as an exclusive home for your keys. Fill the bowl instead with not-sure-if-these-are-used-or-not batteries, paperclips, discount vouchers, phone cards, some staples, one shoelace, a screwdriver, nail clippers, three stamps, a box of matches and a broken doorknob.

CHILDREN
Tell them that mess is cool. tell them they are responsible for making their own mess.

BORROW THEM IF YOU HAVE TO
If you haven't babies or young children of your own, it helps to have someone else's visit once in a while.

CUPBOARDS
Are not for storing things. They are for hiding things.

WARNING! COULD BE TIDY IF MANAGED BETTER
Never put CD's back into their correct cases. This will create hours of fun for your anally retentive loved one.

FENG LAUNDRY NO.1
1) Leave clean laundry in a pile (somewhere) to await folding
2) Leave pile so long that you retrieve and wear most of it before you fold it.
3) Throw the remnants of the clean pile into the airing cupboard.

IRONING
Don't provide your iron and ironing board with a permanent home. This ensures they will be constantly up and visible, somewhere.

CLUTTER
One can never own too many coasters or cushions.

FENG SHITE FOR LIFE
Post is a free House Messing ingredient. Send away for just one catalogue and as if by magic your name will be on every junk mail mailing list in the country.

I WONDER WHAT THAT'S OFF!
If in doubt, keep it. One never knows when the World Screw Shortage Crisis will kick in.

VACUUMING
Vacuuming is pants: Don't do it.


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