|Forget about "Feng
Shui". Using the "Feng Shite" techniques
make more sense...
Instead of rearranging stuff in your house to improve
inner harmony (or whatever), try the equally ancient
art of House Messing. This definitive guide will change
your life forever.
EENIE MEENIE MINIE MO
Aim to have at least
six different bottles of shampoo and conditioners
open and in use at any one time.
LET THEM DO IT
A key advantage of
married life is the 50% reduction in your obligation
to change the bed sheets.
Never wash out your cans properly
before you put them in your recycling bag. This way
they will start to smell quite nicely within a few
CREATING BALANCE IN YOUR
Use the top of the wardrobe
to build a structurally challenged pile of things
you might one day either throw away or store in the
NO CLEAN CUPS?
Purchase extra supplies of
mugs, teaspoons and knives. They will equip you to
survive an extra day before having to wash up.
THE PHYSICS OF MAXIMUM
Remember that towels
dry better hanging horizontally.
Kill them. Leave them
in sit for six months before burial.
YOUR HOLIDAY UNPACKING
x = the number of days you were on holiday
y = the number of days you leave your half unpacked
suitcases and toiletry bags scattered throughout the
HAVE A 'THINGS PENDING'
Bookshelves make an ideal
holding pen for miscellaneous chores - items, for
example, you intend to file some day, return to the
shop for a refund, fix, or post to your cousin in
WHEN THE PAPER RUNS OUT...
Leave empty loo rolls
on ! the toilet room floor. They will eventually make
their own way to the rubbish bin.
Keep bouquets in their
vases long enough to ensure that the leaves and petals
drop onto the floor.
'This needs soaking'
is a House Messing mantra. Use and abuse it.
IN HONOUR AND MEMORY OF
THY MISSING LIDS
Religion is an important cornerstone
of Feng Shite. Make your bathroom window sill a shrine
to lidless tubes of toothpaste.
Buy one with a lower shelf
designed to display posh, oversized photographic books
('Big Cats Close Up' and 'New York Loft Architecture'
type of thing). Use the lower shelf to create an 8ft
square living sculpture called "I think my lost
car keys are in there somewhere".
Cover your fridge door with
magnets, memos, alphabet sets, shopping lists, favourite
greeting cards and cartoon strips. This will replace
a clean, white empty surface with a random visual
explosion - Feng Shite at it's finest!
FEE FI FO FENG
Growing sees is such fun!.
Nurture some herbs on your windowsill in little terracotta
pots. The herbs won't grow and the soil will turn
fantastically damp and mouldy. If you're lucky some
spiders might move in, or a cigarette butt.
ELIMINATE GRATUITOUS CHORES
The bath sees more
fresh water than any other household object or surface.
It is therefore self-cleaning.
Long haired varieties
are best. (Though budgies and camels are also good.)
THE MODERN ELEMENT
Fire, Earth, Wind and Water
are all fine and dandy, but House Messers prefer Plastic!
Save supermarket carrier bags as if your life depended
Buy weekend edition papers
every Saturday and Sunday. Leave the Saturday edition
scattered over the table until you read it on Wednesday.
Leave the Sunday edition scattered on the lounge floor
until you read it on Friday. Leave the supplements
from both in the toilet until someone else removes
Never EVER throw one
FILE & DUMP
Use piles to collect and store
dirty laundry. Studies show that beneath the door
of the washing machine, the foot of your bed, and
any spot on the bathroom floor work best.
Have as many as possible.
Only buy huge, obtrusive
toys, made of garish, primary-coloured pieces of plastic.
I'M DAMNED IF I'M PICKING
Though toys with zillions
of pieces are also good, try large tubs of Lego and
little wooden train sets.
WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE
ELSE TO PUT IT
Place a ! large bowl next
to the telephone as an exclusive home for your keys.
Fill the bowl instead with not-sure-if-these-are-used-or-not
batteries, paperclips, discount vouchers, phone cards,
some staples, one shoelace, a screwdriver, nail clippers,
three stamps, a box of matches and a broken doorknob.
Tell them that mess
is cool. tell them they are responsible for making
their own mess.
BORROW THEM IF YOU HAVE
If you haven't babies
or young children of your own, it helps to have someone
else's visit once in a while.
Are not for storing
things. They are for hiding things.
WARNING! COULD BE TIDY
IF MANAGED BETTER
Never put CD's back
into their correct cases. This will create hours of
fun for your anally retentive loved one.
FENG LAUNDRY NO.1
1) Leave clean laundry
in a pile (somewhere) to await folding
2) Leave pile so long that you retrieve and wear most
of it before you fold it.
3) Throw the remnants of the clean pile into the airing
Don't provide your iron and
ironing board with a permanent home. This ensures
they will be constantly up and visible, somewhere.
One can never own too
many coasters or cushions.
FENG SHITE FOR LIFE
Post is a free House Messing
ingredient. Send away for just one catalogue and as
if by magic your name will be on every junk mail mailing
list in the country.
I WONDER WHAT THAT'S OFF!
If in doubt, keep it.
One never knows when the World Screw Shortage Crisis
will kick in.
Vacuuming is pants:
Don't do it.