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50 Reasons...

Scott wrote:
Subject: Reasons Not to Jump Off a Tall Building:
Feel free to post these. it's small comfort, but it was cathartic to write. If [anyone wants to email me] please print the following e-mail: s7twoseven@LYCOS.com. I dont mind getting tons of crap from moron republicans on that address, thats what I use it for. Thanks. Oh and if you do decide to post this, please include the following message to all non-americans reading your site: "Sorry. Our bad."

50 REASONS NOT TO JUMP OFF A TALL BUILDING:

1. George Bush finally will have to clean up his own mess for once.
2. Christmas is coming.
3. 2008 is only four years away. Four Looong, terrifying years.
4. If we were wrong about Bush, the country wins, therefore we win.
5. If we were right, it’ll be Armageddon, but at least we can say I told you so.
6. Thanksgiving is coming.
7. Since Cheney won’t be running, 2008 is wide open. Unless Jeb Bush runs. Or maybe Jenna.
8. I’m neither dead, nor incarcerated, which is good in the general sense.
9. While wasteful & inane, I think sending a manned mission to Mars will make for some great TV.
10. Evidently there is no God, so we can do whatever we want.
11. Baby Boomers are aging and soon will start dying.
12. Hurricane season is only 9 months away. With any luck, Florida will finally just blow away.
13. Hanukkah is coming.
14. I didn’t really want affordable health care anyway.
15. Peace is boring.
16. Bush is funny (in a ‘laugh-at’, not ‘laugh-with’ kind of way) but funny nonetheless.
17. NO MORE CAMPAIGN COVERAGE!!!!
18. By having played no part in Bush’s “re-”election, I’ve officially alleviated myself of all responsibility for what happens to my country. Hey, I tried. Not my fault we’re all in this mess.
19. The Red Sox won the World Series, which is just cool.
20. Colin Powell, rumor has it, will quit the administration and that’s good because the voice of reason has no place in global politics.
21. Football season is in full swing. (Although my team sucks.)
22. With more tax cuts forthcoming, I’ll be able to afford a new TV this year, though my kids will have to deal with the massive corresponding deficits. But screw them – New TV!!
23. The absence of American leadership may finally force the Europeans to get it together.
24. With big brother reading my e-mails when the Patriot Act is renewed, typos will be a thing of the past.
25. I just got new couches, so spending the next four years indoors doesn’t sound so bad now. (Plus my wife is cute)
26. Maybe if Southern morons have 4 more years so see what a mess Bush has made of this war, they’ll stop blindly voting Republican and climb off of the sheep long enough to think things through for once.
27. Barrack Obama
28. As much as he demonizes liberals and champions conservatives, many of Bush’s values are decidedly liberal. (Big spending, restrictions on personal liberty, nation building, etc) Eventually people will wise up to this. Won’t they?
29. My dream of kicking a field goal through Condoleeza Rice’s two front teeth still has a glimmer of hope,
30. OK, that last one was a cheap shot, but screw her.
31. When the draft is re-instated, there will be more open seats during opening weekends of movies.
32. This gives hope to everyone who was ever bad at their job, that accountability doesn’t apply to you if you can scare the hell out of people.
33. This gives hope to every ‘C’ student who doesn’t want to do his homework, that if you kiss the right asses and mention Jesus a lot no one will notice that you’re dumb as a tree stump. Book learnin’s for pussies anyway.
34. Canada seems nice.
35. Scariest. Halloween. Ever.
36. The environment just gets in the way anyway.
37. Kwanzaa is coming. Yeah I don’t know what it is either.
38. The pretzel gets another chance.
39. Drunken party girls are more fun to read about than amazonian medical students.
40. Randomly attacking countries keeps the whole world on its toes.
41. OJ hinted at it, but this clinches it – If you have enough money and a nice smile, you can get away with anything.
42. The Supreme Court will keep the administration from enacting any law that’s too crazy. Oh, wait…. Shit.
43. Invading the wrong country is apparently no longer an unforgivable offense. Heads up, Mexico!
44. When we own the middle east, gas will be really cheap, as will sand.
45. Bush will no longer be able to blame Clinton for the poor economy anymore.
46. The Republicans will no longer be able to blame the Democrats when they fuck up.
47. While stem cell research won’t be funded, heart disease will be funded a thousand percent.
48. Them queer folks won’t be able to get hitched no more, which makes it safe to canoe through the Appalachians again.
49. When things are going good, the only things the news has to report on are Laci Peterson & Martha Stewart.
50. Earth was getting pretty dull anyway.


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