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Rugby...

RUGBY WORLD CUP 2003

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

- The England team will Morris Dance and whine in a threatening manner.

- The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

- The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

- Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

- Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the English, Scottish and Welsh teams.

- Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

- The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

- Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

- The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away, only to pop up later having joined the other team.

- The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, strip it back to the gravel base and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

- The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground and ultimately the cup (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

- The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.

- The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherd's Bush.


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