THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - Stupid
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have
lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will
remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - Ugly
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got
bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking
so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately
you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst
Stage 3 - Poor
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble
out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you
the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have
no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes
allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a
takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been
picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note
by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that
STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe
that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night
and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - Fragile
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - Conspicuous
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone
can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance.
Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making
fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE
to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.