|WAR ON TERROR NOT OVER YET
Presiding over a memorial
service commemorating the victims of the attack on
the Death Star, the Emperor declared that while recent
victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging,
the War on Terror is not over yet." "We
will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue
governments who harbor them, until the universe is
safe, once and for all, and the security of the Neo-New
Cosmik Order ensured."
It was one year ago today that the
Death Star, perhaps the greatest symbol of the Empire's
might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic Rebels,
who used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate
seemingly impenetrable defenses.
Thousands of mourners were on hand
to remember and pay tribute to the victims and their
families. "We lost our innocence that day,"
reflected one mourner. "I guess we thought we
were immune from the kind of violence that happens
in other galaxies. We were wrong."
"I lost hundreds of buddies
that day," said one teary-eyed Storm trooper.
"Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe
a safer place."
Although the day was colored by sadness,
the mourners found some relief in the news of a decisive
victory over the Rebels. In an attack led by Darth
Vader, Empire forces were able to rout hundreds of
Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface
of the planet Hoth. "We're not sure we got them
all," says a Vader spokesman.
"There are a lot of places to
hide in those caves. But we've delivered a powerful
blow to the terrorist's infrastructure, that's for
sure. Today, the Empire has struck back." Initial
reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker,
a hero among the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered
the fatal blow to the Death Star. Skywalker, a former
desert- dweller from the planet Tattooine, became
a part of the Rebellion after family members were
killed. Skywalker was trained by a militant wing of
the Rebels, known as "Jedi Knights." Fanatical
in their religious beliefs, the Jedi Knights claim
to derive their power from the mystical "Force."
It's believed that Skywalker was
specifically trained by infamous terrorist O bin Wankanobi.
Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and
easily recognized by his bearded visage and long,
flowing robes, achieved near-martyr status among the
Rebels after his death last year during a spy mission.
His more fervent followers believe that Wankanobi
lives on within them today, some even claiming to
hear his voice during times of duress. The attack
on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's
destruction of Alderstaan, a planet whose government
was known to harbor terrorists.
Responding to criticism over the
total annihilation of the planet, Vader stated, "There
is no middle ground in the War on Terror. Those who
harbor terrorists are terrorists themselves. Alderstaan
was issued ample warning. The fight for continuing
Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost."
The cost of this war can still be seen today in the
continuing efforts to build a coalition government
on Tattooine. Longstanding animosities among the planets
various ethnic groups, including the Jawas, Tusken
Raiders and scattered human settlers, have been an
impediment to the peace process.
The Empire continues to maintain
a small peace keeping force until a provisional government
is finally in place. Much of the difficulty in fighting
the Rebel forces stems from their lack of a central
organizing structure. "They don't play by the
traditional rules of war," complained one spokesman.
"They come in all shapes and sizes, united only
by their single-minded desire to destroy the Empire
before it destroys them."
The Emperor closed his comments today
by stating that "the cowardly attack on the Death
Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we will
not stop fighting until every last evildoer has been
brought to justice." He paused for several moments,
wiping away a tear and then added with determination,
"We will never forget."
"I wish we could all just
get along," said one of the mourners. "But
it's hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious
fanatics whose main tool is violence and who insist
on calling us the Dark Side.'