For my birthday
I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out... So then I filled the humidifier
with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
Yesterday I parked my
car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have
a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied
it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
This is my impression
of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts
There's a pizza place
near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can
see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving
my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I recently moved into
a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't
do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that
switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I
got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it
I put instant coffee in
my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover
on my dog and now he's gone.
"The Stones, I love
the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."
"My friend Winnie
is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight
"I don't have to
walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he
was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere
Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).
He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
me and keeps on typing."
"Everywhere is walking
distance if you have the time."
"I saw a man with
a wooden leg, and a real foot."
"I was in a job interview
and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy
'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is travelling
at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this
morning my wife asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made
a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button
"I met her at Macy's.
She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
"When I was a child...
We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........
"Some people think
George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think
George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived
in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run
the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend
all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could
go under a rug..."
"All of the people
in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs
for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department
store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the
money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"Last year we drove
across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile...
We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...........
I don't remember what it was..."
"He was a multi-millionaire...
Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little
diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..." "I
bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to
buy them again..."
"One day, when I
came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of
my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started
up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going
too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'...
Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran
outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"If you can't hear
me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I saw a close friend
of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called
me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new)
phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have
you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has
no 'seven's on it."
"I have a map of
the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals
"Why is the alphabet
in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"I'm moving to Mars
next week, so if you have any boxes..."
Don't you hate when your
hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the
street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran
I bought a house, on a
one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight
in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department
store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don't need a vacation,
but I still see them at the beach... it makes me furious! I'll go
over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You
haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me
how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole
The other day I was playing
poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
One time the power went
out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash.
I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of
My neighbours called the
police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
What's another word for
I can remember the first
time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to
sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
Just go down to the end
of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired,
and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
One time a cop pulled
me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the
stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything
I went to this restaurant
last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija
board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table
would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant
that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French
Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal
advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory
where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the
I was once walking through
the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't
I just bought a microwave
fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight
I was going to commit
suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought
a beach towel.
I've got some powdered
water, but I don't know what to add.
I went to the eye doctor
and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up
I bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights
in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one
I was pulled over for
speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed
limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't
going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in
my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles
that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I
can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think
'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no,
it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've
got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby.
I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him
what he meant.
Last night the power went
out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself
making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my
house, so they called the cops.
I got my driver's license
photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over,
the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see
it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
I like to paint passing
lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants
by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up
all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have
to go so fast.
I went to a general store,
but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house
by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by
the end of my driveway.
I turned my air conditioner
the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said,
"I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today,"
and I said "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep
in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The other day, I was walking
my dog around my building - on the ledge... Some people are afraid
of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I went fishing with a
dotted line... I caught every other fish.
In my house, on the ceilings
I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who's
a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he
got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I... I just...
to make a long story short..."
I put contact lenses in
my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I
took one out and he ran around in circles. (Ad he did for a local
student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the
great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it
Today I dialled a wrong
number... The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello,
could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think
so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
I have a friend name Dennis.
Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf.
He's the guy who poses for trophies.
I woke up one morning
and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realised that
someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in
my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it... I got
my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this - everything's
been replaced with an exact replica!"
He said, "Do I know
you?" I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't
tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
You can't have everything...Where
would you put it?
Do you think that when
they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Winny and I lived in a
house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender,
you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you
had to pull off a sweater real quick...
I got into an elevator
at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just
stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said,
"Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later,
the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown
Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind
of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and
drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said,
"You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...
The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said,
"Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student
loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last
17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received
none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what
happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give
it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate
it if you never called me again."
A friend of mine is into
Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking
down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu
ja de - deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
You know how it is when
you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think
there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I have a hobby... I have
the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered
on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my
house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
I like to skate on the
other side of the ice...
I like to reminisce with
people I don't know...
I like to fill my tub
up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine
that's been hit...
And when I get real, real
bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I got a new shadow. I
had to get rid of the other one - it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was
walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a
candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
There's a fine line between
fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I used to be an airline
pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.
They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I used to work at a health
food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Ever notice how irons
have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...