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The Logical Progression Of Susan Boyle...

First, she'll get the Carnie Wilson gastric bypass surgery...
...followed by the even riskier "eyebrow bypass surgery":
Then she dates John Mayer.
There's always this incident...
Then she puts out a gangster rap album, "Frumpystyle," featuring the hit single, "Frumpshaker:"
Then, virginity long gone, comes the night-vision sex tape.
Then the tattoos and inevitable drug-fuelled melt-down in front of the paparazzi...
...and the midnight snacking.
She adopts a baby from an exotic foreign country, Wales.

Next, of course, Scientology.

And finally... the cover story:

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