1. If they want to loan you money, tell them
you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back,
or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won’t
shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close
the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit
card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping
or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you
to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you
today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can
say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to
care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting
up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they
try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling
about your problems.
4. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from
the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell
the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking
personal questions or questions about the company for as long as
5. This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer:
"Hi, my name is Julie and I’m with Dodger & Peck
Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause)
"Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure
and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can’t believe
it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie
a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the
heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure
to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re
trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until
they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up
with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice
as you can muster, "I don’t have any friends... would
you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood
out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing
minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh,
really, or, "That’s fascinating." Finally, when
they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number
to someone who’s a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they
work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget
& Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey
I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group
there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company
has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if
they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If
they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask
them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home
(this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).
If the person says, "Well, I don’t really want to get
a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel!"