I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will
all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
listed. If you haven't you need more fibre.
THE PERFECT DUMP
Every once in a while everyone
experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real
thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece
that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of
an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It
makes you feel that all is right in the world and
that you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE BEER DUMP
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's
tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't
matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent
fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
flames are ill advised...
DUMP (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm
when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging
yer ring and generally making your chockie starfish
feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your
ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
Relief - you've finished and
reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard
cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would
ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug?
Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the
same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks
and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing
that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of
This one drops like a depth
charge creating a column of cold water that washes
your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
Now your wet - and Embarrassed if the column of water
went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead
This one is just too big to
go through the aperture provided by nature for this
purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat
violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved
ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming
"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!"
There are only three things you can do:
2. Call an Obstetrician;
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you
get through it.
Best utilized in public conveniences.
You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit
a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility
like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle
hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16... damn commies.
You feel a noisy one coming
on but relatives, friends or work mates are within
earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques
to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.
Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of
release, try the following:
1. Flush the
2. Drop loose change on the floor;
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.
You've finished but there's
one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the
seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump
but the little bastard just hands there, suspended,
clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
below. If only you had some scissors...
No matter how much you wipe,
it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and
have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode
is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper
runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels,
wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
Ahhh, you've done, so you
wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave
the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on.
You must therefore return for a curtain call. The
world record is seven encores...
You go, you stand to flush
and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe
or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it
will reappear and smile at the next person who comes