AND SO IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN,
IT SHALL BE KNOWN SIMPLY AS "THE CODE"
1. Thou shall not rent the
2. Under no circumstances
may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to
a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by
his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's
wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink,
dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever
as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his
5. Unless he murdered someone in
your immediate family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote
told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination;
beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl,
the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you've known a guy for
more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you
have to wait for another guy who's running late is
5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free
beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may
gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy
a birthday present for another man. In fact, even
remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly
friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook
up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with
the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even
at your bachelor party (Wingman).
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you
are required to ask his permission and he, in return
is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love
to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down,
that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation
for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a
cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with
your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting
them. You are not required to make nice with her gal
pal's significant dick-heads - low-level sports bonding
is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys
watching a sports event, you may always ask the score
of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses
a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal,
you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able
to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses
about joining the
20. It is permissible to consume
a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a
tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison,
never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot,
suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out
manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into
the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may
sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered
to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby,
push it!" "C'mon, give me one more!"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the
last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
That's just plain mean.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife
in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding
sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom
unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating
or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.
29. Before allowing a drunken friend
to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention.
If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the
eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF", you are absolved
of your of responsibility.
30. The morning after you and
a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're
feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail
her again before the discussion about what a big mistake