How to Poop at Work We've
all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release
an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making ajoke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
(Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away
to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See next.
Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.