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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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orsmupdate 2019.03.14-18.34ish
Boobies

Welcome to you're a freak with a microphone.

Update up early for once. Can't even begin to tell you guys just how much planning this took (I can actually - as far back as early-Jan). That of course equates to a lot of time to make something perfect even perfecter. Yes perfecter is a word. No you don't have to check. Anyway so without further dribbling let's move on with this staple of adult entertainment. Check it...

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend "All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow". "Take him to the vet" his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. "The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal. "Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!" "What kind of pills were they?" asked the friend. "I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste".
--
My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners". Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and a moment later he heard a clunk. He went back to the shop and opened the trunk and then filled out the work order. It read: "fixed clunk... removed bowling ball from the boot".
--
An old man walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 65 years old". The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the license. The old man showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time".
--
To my friend's astonishment a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grandfather got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather" my friend said "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?" The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost" he admitted. "I just got tired of walking".
--
I spotted a large man in a bar that had a muscular build except for his very small head. I could not help myself because it was so much different than the rest of his body. So, I asked him about it. He said that he was walking down the beach, spotted a bottle, picked it up and a Mermaid popped out. She gave me a wish and I said "How about having sex". She said that was not possible because she was a mermaid. Then, I said "How about a little head?".
--
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back". "You're on, old man" the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got". The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said "Alright. Get in".
--
I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. Shit... I really need to get off this fucking boat before it sinks.

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Funny ShitPhun.org Funny Pictures Dump #318 Will Make A Man Out Of You! - Beach CuckThis Guy Is Seriously A Complete Idiot. While Masturbating Each Other On A Nude Beach They Get Company From Several Interested Guys And He Just Lets Them Touch His Wife's Tits And Ass. - Epic MILFMILF Brittany On Social Media Striptease - Vile CreatureMeet "Pimpin P" From Oklahoma. He's Your Average Everyday Abusive Drug Dealing Pimp With Nothing To Live For. Here He Is "Doin' Big Thangs", Which Apparently Translates To Bullying A Cross-Eyed Runaway Into Drinking Piss And Blowing His Home Boys. - Sick ManiacAnd Your Asshole Of The Month Award Goes To... - Rack OutNathalie Kelley Is A Peruvian-Born Australian Actress Known For The Fast And The Furious. Here She Is Doing What All The Cool Girls Are Doing For Attention - Titty Shoots! - Nude FoodAnyone In The Mood For A Burger? - Fine BitchWilla Holland Pokies On A Morning Coffee Run - Think QuickWhat Do You Do When The Wife Walks In And You're Copping A BJ From Another Chick? Think Quick...! - Fine 18yoLindsey Love: 18 Years Old - Barely Legal, Tied Up And Dominated

Yellow FeverInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Happy ManOld Asian Dude Can't Get Over He's Fucking This Stripper LOL - Innocence - Is It Real?People Will Say It's Fake - Future BJ'sThe Blowjobs Of The Future Don’t Look So Good... - It Slipped!Alessandra Ambrosio Areola Peek In Denim - QualitittiesKelli Berglund Is Some Disney Kid Who Is In Some Sexually Charged New Show About Kids In La Being Young Perverts - Qualititties IIRoxane Mesquida Is In The Gregg Araki Show That Is Going To Be Full Of Tits... - Loves BBCBitch Got Dirty Feet But Loving The BBC - AlphasInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck!

Arse-tastic!Phun's Bonus Butt Gallery #173 Will Help You Accomplish Great Things With Your Penis. - No IdeaShe Is Playing With Her Ass, Boobs And Pussy And Records It With Her Webcam While Her Friend Plays With Her Phone And Her Dog, Unaware Of Her Slutty Behaviour, I Guess You Never Know Your Friends That Good. - SluttingGangbanged By Lots Of Strangers At The Adult Theatre - Great ShowStripper Gets Her Pussy Eaten By A Chick Who Had One Too Many - WTF's8 Reasons To Say "What In The Fuck Was That?" - Lily IvyIt's Not Often, That A Pornstars Is So Hot, That She Could Easily Also Work As A Victoria's Secret Runway Model. But In Lily Ivy's Case It's Certainly True. - Holy Pussy!Italian Priest Give The Bride Communion In Her Mouth And Cunt - Office SlutJessica Jones Is The Office Girl Who Likes Getting Fucked. - Candy AssI Mean I've Been Watching My Sugar Intake But Would Be Very Happy To Make An Exception For This. - Dance NakedWhen You're Twerking With A Busting Pussy - 21 x BJ'sIts Absolutely Insane What This Girl Does. After Each Cumshot She Goes From Left To Right And Right To Left And Finishes Off A Total Of 21 Dicks Within 2 Hours. Slut Of The Year?

LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME. My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you. She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So... anyone interested in my 30-year-old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.
--
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand". The new priest tries this. The old priest then suggests "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest concludes "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
--
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture". The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay" he reassured the man "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway".

ORSM VIDEO

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Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilise to scam our way in".

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot-put". He opens his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.

The attendant says "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information".

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin".

The attendant says "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus".

The attendant says "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself".

The third guy, an Irishman, walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Shawn Gallagher. Ireland. Fencing".

MASTURBATION... BECAUSE LOVE THYSELF...

MASTURBATION 13

MASTURBATION previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mummy" the little girl asks "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age" the mother replied. "It's not polite".

"OK" the little girl says "How much do you weigh?" "Now really" the mother says "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business".

Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mum won't tell me anything about her" the little girl says to her friend. "Well" says the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it".

Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are. You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds". The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??"

"And" the little girl says triumphantly "I know why you and daddy got a divorce".

"Oh really?" the mother asks "Why is that??" "Because you got an F in sex"...

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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A young woman joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from a plane.

The next day she called home to tell her mother the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the mother. "Well let me tell you what happened" the girl said. "We got up in the plane and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane".

"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door".

"Did you jump then?" asked her mother.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt".

"So, did you jump...?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy about six-foot six, and 130 kilo's". He said to me "Are you gonna jump or not?''

I said "No sir, I'm too scared. So, the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his junk. I swear, mum, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said "Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this bad boy right up your ass".

"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.

"A little at first".

HOW TO ENSURE THAT PERFECT ALL-OVER TAN? GET NAKED AT THE SOLARIUM OF COURSE!

SOLARIUM 03

Previously on Orsm: SOLARIUM #2 - SOLARIUM #1

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

Two high school sweethearts were to be married soon after graduation. Part of the marriage proposal was that the new bride never, ever opens a small cedar box. The couple were so deeply in love, not opening a wooden box was no problem.

Sixty years later, as their anniversary approached, the wife wondered if she was still not allowed to open the box. After all, she had not even thought of the box for all these years and with their level of devotion and trust, what could be in that box that was so personal?

One day she finally asked if he remembered his instructions about the small box and whether or not he cared if she looked inside. He said "A promise is a promise, but after 60 years of devotion, what harm would it be, go ahead and open it".

She replied that she trusted him implicitly and did not really care what was in the box as what could such a small box hide anyway? However, being a female, she was curious and after a few weeks, peeked inside the box.

All of what was in there was three golf balls and several hundred dollars. As the husband was an avid golfer, this seemed innocent.

A few weeks later, curiosity got the better of her and she had to, well, just had to ask what was with the golf balls. He replied that each time he had an affair with another woman, he would put a new golf ball in the box. Well, three times being unfaithful in 60 years, oh well, that was almost acceptable.

A few days later she asked about the cash. He replied that the box was rather small and after every dozen golf balls, he sold them for a dollar per dozen.

ENJOY THIS GALLERY OF 45 INSANELY GROPABLE BUTTS

ASSES 24

Previously: #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #9 - #8 - #7 - MORE >>

EXPLAINED: SOCIALISM, CAPITALISM AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them, you claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
They are unhappy and would rather live in Australia.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You've Gotta Be Kiddin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Founding Father of USA, way back when
George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Cox and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Cox, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Cox and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Cox, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said "General, I see lights ahead".

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort".

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Cox".

And the Madam said "You gotta be kiddin' me!"

WHAT DO THESE BABES HAVE IN COMMON?

TONGUE OUT

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now".

As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued "You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock 'n' roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed. "Thank you, Father" answered the young priest.

"I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth. "All of these ideas have been well and good" said the elderly priest.

"But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional". "But Father" protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes" replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2019 03 14

OLDER SHITE: March 7th - February 28th - February 21st - February 14th - February 7th - 31st January - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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One day, Bob was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied "Ah senor, you have an excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" Bob, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, finally said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, Bob returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied "Yes, senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

RUB-A-DUB-DUB HERE'S SOME TASTY CHICKS IN THE TUB

BATHTIME 10

BATHTIME previously: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".

The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that". The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many".

The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".

ASHLEY GRAHAM ✔️ REDHEAD ✔️ PORNSTAR ✔️ FUCKABLE ✔️ FULLY NAKED ✔️ ALL THE BOXES ✔️

ASHLEY GRAHAM

Previously: JASMINE - ALEXIS - BELLA - SATI - ERIN - ABELLA - MASHA - DINA - NANCE - BARBIE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

Well... sorry guys this is hard to say and I know I've joke about it before but...

 

THIS IS THE LAST EVER ORSM UPDATE

 

 

 

 

 

 

... for this week.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there somewhat regularly/occasionally/frequently/sporadically/periodically. Except this week because I accidentally posts a pic showing penis and in Facebook jail for another day or so. Oops.
-Check out the archives. Not a single instance of misusing 'literally'.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless a great tragedy should befall me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pwn you at everything. He will say 'pwn' a lot too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and you are now thinking about what my penis looks like. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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