Welcome to anybody who says my update is neat has to go.
Definitely been an up and down week. Thankfully I had a chance to plan for it so when it wasn't quite as down as expected, it allowed me to get some stuff [that wasn't just the update] done. Obviously the first thing on that list was to go and see Solo. Have to admit expectations were pretty low. Most reviews seemed to say it was "good" plus all the crap about a troubled production. Han was never my most favourite character but actually walked out of the cinema incredibly satisfied. Up there with Rogue One. At the end of the day that's all that I'm looking for. Also had the entire cinema to myself so no bitching if I, for example, used my phone to remind myself what show I knew the hot black chick from [Thandie Newton / WestWorld] and then to remind myself what she looks like naked.
Next up was fixing a some Orsm webserver issues. Google has been up my arse lately which has its good and bad points. Good: they detected a security issue which sparked a major clean up of a lot of old shit. Bad: you need to fix shit when they say so or suffer accordingly. The Googles also pinged a notice about websites being secure and if I didn't do this you guys would begin seeing a warning to that effect. Long story short, I've spent all day dicking around with SSL certificates, gone back and forth in support tickets and finally got it done. Ultimately it means peace of mind for you guys. No doubt it will cause numerous unforseen issues but whatevs. Will aim to make the switch in coming days so if you guys have issues accessing Orsm then please drop me a line here with as much info as possible. Aaaaaaand check it...
They say that excessive masturbation will cause you to become forgetful. Not only that, but they say that excessive masturbation will make you forgetful.
I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart" she sobs "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone" she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling" said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."
"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis" mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. "No" says the friend "people don't die of syphilis anymore". The angry biker replies "They do when they give it to me!"
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour. "Now" he said "are there any questions?" One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir" she asked "May we have our teacher back?"
A young teacher substituted for a friend who was taking a week's honeymoon. A month later at a party someone started to introduce the groom to her. "Oh" he answered brightly "I know Miss Davis very well indeed. She substituted for my wife on our honeymoon!"
One woman says to another "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynaecologist yet!" "My gynaecologist is fine. I don't need to change". "But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynaecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile "Yeah, I know" she said with a smile "His hands shake all the time".
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
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I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse". Is everybody clear on that?
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night". The priest says "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says "That he did, Father". The priest says "What did he ask, Mary?" She says "He said 'Please Mary, put down the gun'".
They found a cat on mars. A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME
You never truly know just how normal you are until you move out of home and live with someone. For most of this goes more or less okay but more often than not you realise some people have some very odd ideas about how to exist and operate like a normal fucking human being in a shared space. Like these jerks...
-My old roommate was dating a good friend of mine. One day, after her spending the night, they went out for lunch. His dog came out of his room with a tissue in her mouth, I stopped her, grabbed it and went to throw it out when my hand felt really wet. It was a condom, fully loaded, and when I grabbed it I guess I squeezed it because my hand was now covered in my roommates cum. It's been years and I still haven't told him about it.
-"My first roommate and her boyfriend meowed as foreplay. Meowed. Like cats".
-"My roommate stayed at school the week between spring and summer classes while I went home. When I returned, I found a mysterious phone charger in my room. Not thinking much of it, I put it out in the living room for its owner. Later, I told my roommate that I found a phone charger and asked if it was hers. And she says "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, I slept in your bed while you were gone because my boyfriend puked up red wine all over my bed. She had slept in my bed multiple nights because she was too lazy to clean her sheets and she didn't even clean my sheets".
-"I had a roomie who used to send us photos of dirty knives left in the kitchen".
-"My first year of college I was paired with a girl from Asia. I was totally hyped about our roommate-ship, and I had my passport ready for when she invited me to her country. Unfortunately, our awesome plans were never realised. My roommate barely spoke English and had really repulsive food habits. Like, it was not okay. She would bring in fish and keep it EVERYWHERE. Even when it went bad! I swear it was in the air vents, it smelt so horrible all the time. And I couldn't talk to her about it because she would pretend she didn't speak English! I don't know how I made it through the year!"
-"My roommate wanted to chill a warm six pack of Miller Light. He saw a Myth Busters and thought that he could use a fire extinguisher. He used the wrong type; it was a dry chemical type, not a C02. It was a mess".
-"My sophomore year I spent one semester with a very interesting girl. She dyed her hair black, bleached random parts of it, and clipped in fake hair. I am all about freedom of expression, so if that's what she enjoyed - great for her. But in regards to living with her, I refused to walk around the room without shoes on. She would "rat" her hair with a comb every morning and leave piles of her gross black dried-out hair around the room. She also didn't believe in doing dishes on a regular basis but wasn't as bad as my freshman roomie. We tried several vacuums that girls had on the floor, and none of them could clean-up the disgusting hair".
-"My roommate in the dorms wore a puppet on her shoulder and if you asked her a question she would answer with the puppet. It was a puppet of a griffin, which is a mythological creature that's a combination of lion and eagle. It sucked. We also had all the same classes together and I woke up late more than once to that damn puppet in my face telling me the time".
-"I walked into my roommate having sex with a guy... her boyfriend of two years wasn't in the room with her".
-"This girl I met once said she came home to find her lunchbox filled with water and some undies soaking in there. They were her housemate's period undies".
-"I moved into a suite with four different girls. I was excited to have three new friends my first semester of college. What I wasn't ready for was having three enemies all passive aggressively attacking me. I don't know what I did to upset them, but they all decided it was them against me. They would make a mess of the common areas and then blame it on me! Once, they kept rotten cheese and milk in the fridge and they actually reported me to the RA! They said it was mine and that I was trying to get them sick. I eventually had to switch rooms, I just couldn't take it anymore!"
-"I lived with a guy who drank rum like water and played the trumpet. But that's just the beginning. Although he couldn't play the trumpet, he would play the theme to "The Flintstones" but always got stuck on one note. I wanted to take a shovel to the trumpet right at the moment he would mess it up; put us both out of our misery".
-"My placed dorm roommate in college and I became friends first semester, hung out a little over the summer, and went back to be roommates again for the fall semester. She started acting very strange, secretly following me to classes and the gym. I got a new haircut, and she got the exact one a few days later. She started wearing my clothes and calling my friends out of town from my phone. When a friend came into town to visit for a long weekend, she got really mad and threw a huge fit in front of us both, claiming that I was a liar and not a good friend, and left. We went about our weekend, and when we came back to the dorm Saturday night, after being at a party until about 2:30 A.M., she was sitting in a chair in the dark. When I turned the light on, she was just sitting there staring at us. My friend was too freaked to stay there, so she got us a hotel room. The next day, while my roommate was in class, we went to the dorm, got all my stuff, and left campus. Luckily, it was the week before finals, so I took my exams and withdrew from the school. My friend and I ended up moving to another town, where I finished school, incident free".
-"Every night at 8 p.m. she would just take her clothes off. Not just down to her skivvies... I'm talking full birthday suit".
-"I had a horrible, nightmare roommate who had no sense of smell. Her boyfriend was a creep who lived with us without my permission and they each paid one-quarter of the rent while I paid half (he also loved to leave hair in the bathroom sink!) She got pet rats that stank, and they escaped and ate/pooped on a bunch of my stuff when I was out of the apartment on winter break".
-"My old roommate always used the same pan for eggs and never cleaned it. For an entire year this pan was caked with eggs and just sat on the stove (which was also covered in egg splatter). Even if I cleaned it for him, it would be back on the stove the next day".
Previously on Orsm: PALE IS BEAUTIFUL #3 - PALE IS BEAUTIFUL #2 - PALE IS BEAUTIFUL #1 - MORE >>
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a large manufacturing company hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said "Wait right here".
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET THE FUCK OUT and DON'T COME BACK!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked "Does anyone want to tell me what that fuckstick slacker did here?"
From across the room a voice said "Pizza delivery guy".
Previously on Orsm: BRIDES #6 - BRIDES #5 - BRIDES #4 - BRIDES #3 - BRIDES #2 - BRIDES #1 - MORE >>
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ORSM VIDEO: THE STUPIDITY EDITION
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME [CONTINUED]
-"I had a clean freak roommate who was crazy. She'd literally freak out and scream and clean up after you while you were cooking. I'd cut vegetables and be putting the first part into a pan, and she'd walk over furious that I'd left the cutting board out and messy for her to clean up. I'm literally still using it! I'll clean up when I'm done using the cutting board! She, however, only ate two things: chicken nuggets and popcorn, which she never cleaned up after".
-"One day I came home and my roommate was like 'hey I painted a mural' and then I looked outside the kitchen window and she had gone on the roof and spray painted this giant silver moon with the caption 'Queen of sparrows' and I was thinking: Oh for Christ's sake, we will never get our bond back".
-"My sophomore year I moved in with my best friend. DO NOT DO THIS. I repeat: DO NOT DO THIS. It was great at first, until my roommate got a boyfriend. After that, I was sexiled just about every night. I would talk to her about it, but she just kept playing the 'you're not being a supportive friend' card. Honestly, it ruined our friendship. I had to move out in the spring because I was tired of being locked out of my own room!"
-"Stole my old phone and some other electronics to sell on Craigslist for rent money. He gave the landline phone number (mine) for call backs".
-"I came home to find a pack of strange boys sitting on my bed and at my desk because her side of the room was too messy and of course, she hadn't cleaned up. When they left, I discovered my bed, desk, backpack, and laptop were COVERED in Nutella. Apparently, they had all been eating it and using my bed as a napkin. I immediately went to the nearest home improvement store, bought some hot pink duct tape, and put a tape line down the middle of our dorm room. I moved out shortly afterwards, and she was kicked out of school due to never attending a class".
-"One of my roommates was notoriously late on projects. So why would I expect final projects to be any different? I was already in bed, trying to get a decent rest so I'd be prepared for my 8 a.m. art history final, when my roommate bursts in, saying we needed to move everything important because she had to flood the room. She was completely serious. She was going to flood the room so it would ruin her too-far-behind project (she knew she had no chance of finishing it in time), call the RA, and get a note saying she needed an extension on her project due to unforeseen circumstances. But, she said, we only should move important stuff. If everything of ours went undamaged it would look suspicious to the RA! Thankfully my other roommate and I talked her out of it, but if we hadn't been there I truly believe she would have just gone ahead and done it!"
-"During my freshman year of college, I woke up one morning to my roommate lying in her bed reading a book. That was normal. What wasn't normal was when she realised I was awake, she told me she saw a ghost in our room last night. Apparently, it was a man who looked like a hobo and he was sitting on my bed watching me sleep. She said once she looked at him, he disappeared. I haven't roomed with her since".
-"I used to live with a girl who had ADHD and she would get up in the middle of the night and rearrange all the living room furniture".
-"I studied abroad for a semester in college and was paired with a girl from my home state. We got along really well for a month or so, until she got really homesick and started taking it out on me. She would make fun of me and my friends, and when I tried to stand up for myself she would actually threaten me! She was a bigger girl and had been in more than a few fights in her life. Whenever I said something to her she would say, 'I wouldn't say that if I were you, remember what I did to my sorority sister?' Thankfully, the program was only a few months long and I never had to see her again!"
-"I had a roommate in college who could only fall asleep if he watched Disney movies at night. I had to listen to them every night for hours trying to sleep".
-"My roommate has been dating a guy for eight months (way past the honeymoon stage), and he is at our apartment more than I am. Every night, including the weekends, they are at home, being house cats in the living room, kitchen, and around the house in general. He most recently has begun bringing a duffel bag of dirty laundry to use our washer and dryer so he doesn't have to spend less than a dollar to do his laundry at his studio apartment, which is a 10-minute walk away from ours. He also has asked me to not drink his beer, which he leaves in our fridge for months on end".
-"One of my mates had a falling out with her sole housemate. When she was at uni one day, the girl moved out and took all her furniture. Unfortunately, most of the furniture in the house belonged to her so my mate was living on a beanbag for a while".
-Not me, but my cousin had a roommate her freshman year of college that had to listen to Harry Potter book one on tape every single night to fall asleep. My cousin bought her headphones but she refused to wear them because they "hurt her ears" she would play it on a portable speaker loud enough to keep my cousin awake all night. The worst part... she wouldn't even start the tape where she left off the previous night, she would play the beginning every night over and over again. "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four privet drive..." It gets worse, turns out the roommate wasn't even a fan of the series, had never watched any of the movies or read the other books, didn't know any characters, and as far as my cousin knows she never even finished the first book because she'd fall asleep every time she started it".
-"I was away on holiday. When I got home I walked in and the carpet was soaked. My roommates were just sitting there watching TV. Turns out the hot water heater exploded and ruined the carpet and flooded my room which was right next to the heater. Turns out it exploded 3 days prior to me returning and they just ignored it".
Sawses: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7... I think.
ORSM VIDEO: THE IMPRESSIVE EDITION
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A young guy moves to the big city and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid "just the one". The manager "Oone? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!"
"How much was the sale for?" he asks. The kid replies "$101,237.64". The manager "$101,237.64! What do you mean 101,237.64!? What did you sell him?"
The kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twenty-footer centre console, the one with twin outboards. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4".
Flabbergasted the manager said "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The kid says "No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said "Well, your weekend's fucked - might as well go fishing!"
PREGGO'S previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in - only a few shelves and display racks had been set up.
One said to the other "I'll bet that any minute now some jerk is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling".
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gent walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically "Arseholes. We're selling arseholes".
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said "You must be doing well. Only two left!"
OLDER SHITE: 14th June - 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - 17th May - 10th May - 3rd May - 26th April - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Jimmy, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Jimmy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks "So Jimmy, how was your day?" Jimmy tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL".
"Bravo, Jimmy! And the second one?" says the doctor.
The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Jimmy.
"Bravo, bravo Jimmy! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.
Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!'"
And what did you do Jimmy?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes".
Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada so they took off up there.
The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said "We're going to need an ice pick". So they got that, and they took off.
Two hours later, one of them was back at the shop and said "We're going to need another dozen ice picks". Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
Another hour later he was back. Said "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got!" The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way" he asked "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all" he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet".
Previously on Orsm: STEPHANIE - OLIVE - MILA - ERIKA - MIA - ARIEL - MASHA - IZZY - ANGY - SASHA - MORE >>
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".
"I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that were married!"
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good" she replied "Get your own damned blanket".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. ??
-Next update will be next Thursday and THAT'S the bottom line.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will knock your stack of Big Mac's off the table and laugh you fat fuck.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.