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June 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.06.25-20.36

Welcome to disproportionate gasp to express surprise at unremarkable news.

So... we meet again. We can sit around and talk about that all day or get right to it. Yep let's do that. In some ways the weekend was kind of weird, in others it was kind of awesome. I don't think it could have involved girls any more and guys any less though. Not necessarily a bad thing because boobs are way, way better than dicks.

Friday. From now on I'm on baby duty every Friday. Big adjustment in that it's very restricting having to work to a child's routine - can't just run around doing whatever as I please. Anyway we kicked off the day with exercise. Of course, a good few kilometres from home it started to rain like a little bitch so suddenly I'm that dad pushing a pram in the wet along a major road during peak hour. The judgement from other road users was palpable. Soon found cover and called for an evac.

Not long after making it home a friend swung by. She lives interstate, in town briefly, haven't seen her for a few years, speak maybe once a year but one of those friendships where it doesn't matter - you instantly get on like always without any awkward. Before we knew it half the day was gone and she was gone until we cross again. Rest of the day disappeared more or less instantly too. Juggle a couple more naps, take the kid shopping, home to dinner and shower then collapse on the couch. Everything went as planned and no one died so technically successful.

Saturday kicked off with chiropractor. Very fucking happy the neck pain which nearly killed me the week before is now under control so wondering if maybe she deserves more credit. Had begun to notice that no matter what my complaint, whether it be sore shoulder or sore foot, it's always the same 3-4 adjustments. Next was exercise at family [read: slowpoke] pace then home to relax. The rest of the day was a mix of errands and working so don't know why I'm bothering to mention it...

A few weeks back I received a FB message from another old friend. She was my ball [prom] date and had completely lost touch since finishing high school. She's going to be in town for a few days and did I want to catch up. Weird coincidence. This is where I'm kind of lucky the GF is cool. Lotta bitches wouldn't have been okay with their partner even asking to head out for a few drinks a with a school crush let alone actually doing it but that we did and bitches were cool. Such a great time too. Started at a pub and finished in a café until they finally kicked us out an hour after closing. Talked nonstop, what's been happening, reminisced, all the stuff you would cover and laughed hard... but even though the plan is to catch up again in a few months, another ten years will be just as good. After all there's probably a very valid reason people drift. Can also safely say that I'm hoping this streak of blasts from the past is over soon because there's a couple of people I definitely hope do not appear.

The other weird for the night was a girl at the bar. Started chatting after I didn't push in front of her in line to get a drink. Okay. She was pleased by this and suggested the bartender thought we looked similar. We didn't. A brief conversation followed that ended awkwardly when she told me "you have a nice head". Just a fucking weird way to compliment someone. Can't even be sure that's what it was. Poor thing was either blind, drunk, blind drunk or desperately lonely.

Activities for the day of Sunday were limited due to rainageddon. It was wetter than your mum when I chuck my dirty undies in her face. Had actually planned to donate blood after a story on the news said there was a serious shortage because people weren't donating or some such. Oddly the operator said there weren't any available weekend appointments for 2 weeks so seems like it was propaganda to promote the new donation clinic. We instead teed up lunch at a suburban food hall with friends. Went there a few weeks ago; realise now that the its so popular because they allow patrons to BYO alcohol. Is probably the only way to kill the parasites people will undoubtedly ingest from the questionable Indian and Asian food options but I digress... lunch segued into returning to our house for coffee which transitioned into dinner. Long day which wound out a quality weekend.

Okay let us get moving with the brand new update. I say it a lot and always mean it but this one is an absolute fucking killer. So much cool and amazing stuff that you will shit your pants before even getting through all the links below. Check it...

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I really hate how politically correct the world is getting. I can't even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Hey Jamal, can you please paint that wall for me?"
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's waiting room knitting. Mum 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C - good for mum, good for baby". Mum 2 takes a pill and says "Vitamin A, good for mum, good for baby". Mum 3 takes a pill and says "Thalidomide... I can't knit sleeves!"
A guy gets pulled over by police "Step out of the car" says the cop "I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test". "I can't" the guy says "I have very bad asthma - that could set off an attack". "Alright" says the cop "then you're going to have to take a blood test". "Can't do that either" Jim replies "I am a haemophiliac - if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death". "Okay" the cop answers "then I will need a urine sample". "Sorry" says Jim "I also have diabetes - that could push my sugar count really low". "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me". "Can't do that either" responds Jim. "Why not?" asked the cop. "Well, because I'm drunk you dick - I could go to jail!"
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'll pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement. The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home!" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "It's impossible to work in the dark!" says Murphy.


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There's something ironic about the fact that the world would be a better place if some of the people on this list were more victim than perpetrator...

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Robert Wagner's wife, Natalie Wood, fell overboard a boat and died in 1981. This happened when a fight broke out between Walken and Wagner about whether Walken wanted to fuck with his wife.

FELICIA PEARSON: One of the most endearing characters on The Wire, Felecia "Snoop" Pearson actually had real life experiences to draw from. Pearson was convicted of second-degree murder at the tender age of 14 for shooting to death Okia Toomer. She received two 8-year sentences however was released after just 6.5 years behind bars.

DUANE "DOG" CHAPMAN: Dog the bounty hunter may hunt bad guys now, but at one time Chapman was one of the bad guys, himself. Chapman didn't actually pull the trigger himself, but he was present when his friend shot and killed his weed dealer, an act that earned him a first-degree murder conviction and a five year prison stint.

WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS: The famed writer shot and killed his common-law wife Joan Vollmer. Initially Burroughs claimed the two were playing a drunken game of William Tell and that he was attempting to shoot a glass off her head and missed. He later changds his story to a simpler "mishandling a firearm".

RAY LEWIS: In 2000, following a Super Bowl party in involving NFL linebacker Lewis, his two buddies, and a group of other people were involved in a particularly wild fight. This brawl resulted in the deaths of Richard Lollar and Jacinth Baker. 11 days later, Lewis and his companions were charged with murder and aggravated-assault. He was later sentenced to 12 months' probation. The NFL would also fine him $250,000 and he reached settlements with the families of Lollar and Baker.

ROBERT BLAKE: Blake's wife was shot dead outside of a restaurant on an evening when they were having dinner. Blake claimed to be in the restaurant getting a gun he accidentally left at the table. Though he was found not guilty in the criminal case, he was found liable in the civil.

DON KING: Former boxing promoter and douchebag, Don King, is more than just a known swindler and hustler. In two separate incidents, King ended the lives of two different men. The first murder, that of Hillary Brown, was dismissed as justifiable homicide after King claimed he caught Brown trying to steal from one of Don's gambling houses. The second death, brought King a second-degree murder charge after the stomping death of his former employee, Sam Garrett, whom King claimed owed him $600. The judge later reduced King's conviction to non-negligent manslaughter, for which King served less than four years.

OSCAR PISTORIUS: Four-time Paralympics gold medal runner and double amputee Oscar Pistorious was responsible for the murder of his girlfriend back in 2013. Pistorious said that he thought he was firing at an intruder. Absurd reason really, and the court didn't listen. He was convicted of premeditated murder and sentenced to 5 years but is likely to be freed upon serving just 10 months.

REBECCA GAYHEART: She was famous for her beautiful eyes and hair before she her tumultuous relationship with husband Eric Dane and heroin. It's unknown if she was abusing drugs when she ran over and killed a 9 year old boy. She plead "no contest" to a charge of vehicular manslaughter.

J. R. SMITH: Resident NBA bad boy, J.R Smith, drove through a stop light back in 2007 which resulted in collision which killed his passenger. After pleading guilty, Smith received a sentence of 90 days in jail, but he only served 30.

BRANDY: Squeaky clean "The Boy is Mine" singer Brandy, was involved in a tragic accident that lead to the death of a woman named in 2006. She claimed responsibility for the freeway pile-up and was heard saying over and over again "I should have stopped".

GUCCI MANE: A dumb feud between rappers Gucci Mane and Jeezy over a 2005 song they did together turned into a messy confrontation which ended with Jeezy's best friend, Pookie Loc, being killed. Gucci Mane says that it was self-defence.

SNOOP DOGG: Snoop changed his name to Snoop Lion last year after being rechristened but even that cannot make up for the fact that he and his bodyguard were charged with the murder of a rival gang member. After years of court battles, Snoop was acquitted of all charges.

MATTHEW BRODERICK: The Ferris Bueller star was driving in Ireland with then girlfriend Jennifer Grey when he veered into the other lane and crashed head on with another car killing the driver. It was determined he was not drunk, but the reason for the accident was never determined. He was charged with "careless driving" which came with a $175 fine.

OJ SIMPSON: He may have been acquitted of the charges, but most of us still believe that former football great OJ Simpson is a cold-blooded killer. An overwhelming amount of evidence points to Simpson as the murderer of Simpson's former wife and mother of his children, Nicole Brown, and her lover, Ron Goldman, but with a powerful defines team, OJ was able to beat the charges.

MICHAEL MASSEE: In 1993 he was the person to accidentally shoot and kill actor Brandon Lee during the filming of The Crow.


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Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialled a number.

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you" he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread".


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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me".

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander".

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful".

 So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Okay, men, fall in and listen up". "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward". "Not so fast, McGrath!"


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LILLO BRANCATO: Soprano's fans will remember the Matt Bevilaqua character who worked in Chris's crew. He was later murdered by Tony and Pussy for trying to whack Chris. Anyway it turns out he was a bad dude in real life too. In December 2005 he was arrested for killing an off-duty police officer whist burglarising a house in the Bronx. He was released on parole in 2013; well short of the 10 year sentence.

JAYSON WILLIAMS: Former NBA player Jayson Williams was giving a tour of his house and was playing with a shotgun that discharged and killed his limo driver. Initially reporting it as a suicide, Jayson Williams' almost $100 million dollars and top notch lawyers couldn't help him avoid jail time. He served 10 years before release in 2012.

TED KENNEDY: In 1969, Mary Jo Kopechne was a passenger in Ted Kennedy's Oldsmobile when the car suddenly went off a bridge and overturned in water. Kennedy managed to escape the vehicle, but Kopechne, a teacher and political campaign specialist, was not so lucky. Kennedy failed to report the accident to authorities until after the car and Kopechne's body had surfaced the next day, though he did contact Kopechne's parents to inform them their daughter had died. People have long speculated that there was more to Kopechne's death than a tragic accident. The rumours ruined any chance Ted thought he had of running a successful Presidential campaign.

CHARLES S. DUTTON: Amongst others, you may remember Charles S. Dutton as the angry black guy in Alien 3. Way back in 1968 he was convicted of manslaughter after stabbing a man in a street fight. He spent seven years in prison.

RICK SPRINGFIELD: While not caught or charged legally, the "Jessie's Girl" singer confessed that he accidentally killed someone in when he was 17 years old. Whilst entertaining U.S. troops in Vietnam, when the Americans came under attack. Springfield helped load mortars to repel the attack, one of which killed a Viet Cong soldier.

LANE GARRISON: A supporting character on Prison Break, Garrison gained more attention for killing a teenager than his acting career ever got him. Lane, 27 at the time, had been attending a high school party when he agreed to drive two teenagers to town, even though he'd been drinking. Vahagn Setian, 17, was killed after Garrison's SUV jumped a curb and slammed into a tree. Lane was sentenced to 40 months in prison, he was released after serving a little more than half his sentence.

PHIL SPECTOR: Record Producer Phil Spector was convicted of second-degree murder after a young woman by the name was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head in his California mansion in 2003. Her death and Phil's trial sparked a media frenzy and rocked the music world. After being convicted, Spector was sentenced and is now serving a 19 years to life prison.

C-MURDER: After an altercation at a nightclub in Louisiana back in 2002, Rapper C-Murder beat and shot to death 16-year-old Steve Thomas. While the first trial set him free, a second trial convicted him of second degree murder along with his brother, Master P. They were both sentenced to life in prison.

VINCE NEIL: In 1984, Motley Crue drummer Vince Neil and Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley, of the Finnish rock band Hanoi Rocks, left an after-party at Neil's home in search of more booze. Before they could find a liquor store, however, Vince lost control of his car and crashed into an oncoming vehicle, killing Dingley and seriously injuring the two people in the other car. After signing a $2.5 million cheque, Neil was sentenced to just 30 days in jail, five years' probation, and 200 hours of community service. He was released just 20 days later on good behaviour.

AARON HERNANDEZ: In 2013, former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was charged with the first degree murder of his friend. Odin Lloyd's body was found just a mile away from Hernandez's house in an industrial park suffering multiple gunshot wounds. It wasn't until 2015 that Hernandez was found guilty of first degree murder which carries a life sentence.

LAURA BUSH: When the former First Lady was in high school, she ran a stop, slamming into an oncoming vehicle. The accident killed the other driver who happened to be a classmate and friend of hers.

SUGE KNIGHT: January 2015, Knight was allegedly involved in a fatal hit-and-run in which one person was killed and another hospitalised. Killed was Knight's friend and co-founder of their record company Heavyweight Records. Injured was Cle Sloan, a filmmaker, who suffered a head and foot injuries. Knight turned himself to the police and is awaiting trial in jail.

SID VICIOUS: Sid Vicious was as controversial as an individual as the band that he played for. One day, while high on heroin, he stabbed his girlfriend, Nancy Spungen, to death. Later on, he'd state that he didn't mean to do so and that he didn't remember killing her. Sid didn't face a trial as he died several months later of heroin overdose.

KEITH MOON: In 1970, The Who's Keith Moon accidentally struck and killed his friend and bodyguard, Neil Boland. A drunken Moon was attempting to leave a pub in with Boland, after allegedly being attacked by patrons at the pub. In his haste to get away, Moon jumped behind the wheel and accidentally struck Boland with his vehicle, dealing the bodyguard a fatal blow. The coroner declared Boland's death an accident, and Moon was cleared of any charges.

JOHNNY LEWIS: In 2012, Sons of Anarchy actor Johnny Lewis broke into the home of 81-year-old Catherine Davis, ransacked her home and then killed her and her cat. He followed this up with assault a neighbour before returning to Davis' house where he either fell or jumped from a roof and died. Born into a Scientologist family, Lewis worked for the church's drug rehab group. Despite a later history of drug use, an autopsy report showed that Lewis had no drugs or alcohol in his system when he died.

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Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.

The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds "Follow me". The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why". The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing". He floats back into the room.

As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, sceptical, peers out through the window; down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar.

Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know" he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman".

GIRLS look hot with PIGTAILS [AKA blowjob HANDLES]

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry" the man replies "he's not for sale". The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No" he insists "he's not for sale".

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it". the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist".


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A man is in court. The Judges says "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty" said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty" said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbour".

The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

we want to see UPSKIRT

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One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.

So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and POOF! the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And POOF!, he was there.

Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and POOF! ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.


Hate to say it but we've reached the end but do not fret...

-Check out the site archives. Entertaining chronic masturbators since 2000.
-Next update will be next Thursday and all of the Thursday's after that forever and ever.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray unexpectedly tongue your brown.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't overthunk it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.06.18-18.30

Welcome to identifying as albino.

It's one of those rare occasions that I don't have particularly much to say about anything. Not really sure what that's about. God knows I love having an opinion about other people's business. Let's start writing words and see what happens...

The biggest time waster of the past week was being coerced along by the GF to a Thermomix demo. Seen these things? They're basically an oversized, overpriced cooking machine that girls percolate over like Jamie Oliver just opened a restaurant in their kitchen. [Protip: he didn't] I've never had any interest because unlike all the Thermomix fans, who are not unlike Apple fanboys, I actually enjoy cooking and can make something edible without a recipe. Anyway... what you're forced to endure is 90 minutes of sales techniques which involve telling stories potential buyers will hopefully relate to such as "I sold one to a family with 4 kids and they say it's AMAZING" and "My husband is a terrible cook but he just loves it because it's SO SIMPLE" and "I sold one to a family who all work and now they have SO MUCH spare time" and "A family I sold one to stopped buying takeaway food so it PAID FOR ITSELF". Give me a break. The food we watched being made and then ate was at best mediocre. That said however, it can make over 49 kajillion recipes... fantastic... because that's almost as many recipes I've never felt the need to cook before... which is a shame because the decision that "we" were getting one had apparently been made weeks or perhaps months ago. I have a sneaky suspicion that this will end up like the decision to buy a treadmill. Everyone gets one solemnly believing it will change their life and they'll be fitter/healthier/happier as a result. In reality the stupid thing sits there taking up space...

Moving on. I spent the whole weekend in pain after fucking my neck which in turn forced three chiropractor visits and a couple of massages. Things I lost count of 1) how many paracetamol tablets eaten 2) how much interrupted sleep 3) how many times you can say "owwwww" 4) how much I hate tiger balm 5) how deceptively strong those little Chinese massage girls are. Thankfully now shit is starting to realign and my body can focus on finding a different way to spite me.

Saturday was generally slow moving for reasons stated in the paragraph above. What we did achieve though was yet another excursion to get a filing cabinet and by doing that, nothing. Have done this four times now and on each occasion there's a reason not to get one. Everything from not knowing how much space there is for one, to not liking the design to not being in stock to too expensive. Admittedly it's pretty fucking retarded that 2 people have wasted so much time on something so unimportant but it's one of those things I'll have to look at every single day, it will literally be in my eye line 16 hours a day so if it annoys me, it will annoy me for many years to come.

Kicked off Sunday with some light exercise. The advice was to take it easy but after spending the past couple of months building up to a daily routine, and after already having missed a couple of days, I was more worried about letting that slip by the wayside than a sore neck. Next up was babyproofing. They work out how to open things and get around way faster than you expect so at this point just about everything is a potential death trap. The rest of the day was hijacked by a string of unannounced visitors and wound out the weekend in a pleasantly relaxing way. And that is about it...

... so let's cut the bullshit and get moving with a brand new update. Don't be an asshole and jusssst...  check it...

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ShockerThis Is Actually Happening In Real Life, In The World We All Live In. Someone Needs To Have A Look Into This Terrible Mothers Shit. - Hyper-WHOAThe Graphics At E3 Keep Getting Better And Better. It's Hard To Believe That This Isn't Actually Real! - What The F!?A Reasonable Request – Father/Son Incest Is The Subject Of This Funny & Very Disturbing Video - Too WeirdMom And Son Get High Together For The First Time, Proceed To Giggle A Lot And Eat Snacks - Dirty NurseNasty Nurse Loves Hard Cock And To Take Advantage Of Her Patients - Shower SexLesbian Shower Sex For Reena Sky And Aidra Fox - Bangin' 2Luckiest Guy Ever And My New Personal Hero Bangs Two Tasty Blonde Teens In All Their Holes. - Next LevelNext Level Street Art - 57 Beautiful Examples That Are Pushing The Envelope Of Urban Creativity - AbhorrentHere Are Glamor Shots Of Rachel Dolezal, The White Woman Pretending To Be Black - HonestyHonest Company Slogans - 63 Examples That Would Make Total Sense If Brands Told The Truth

Good TimesA Meta Story About A Programmer And His Creation That Pulls You In With Surprising 2 Endings. Be Prepared To Die Numerous Times Trying To Discover The End. - Angry PrickThe Angriest Cabbie Ever Won’t Move For An Ambulance - Slot ManiaDrive Your Slot Car Like The Champion... Or A Woman... Or An Asian... Or Like An Asian Woman. Its A Survival Game Which Eerily Imitates Life For Some People - Tasty TeenBlonde Babe Frolicking Naked In A Field Makes This Day Pretty Much Perfec - Mia KhalifaGreat Video Of Busty Arab Porn Star Mia Khalifa Getting Naked And Masturbating In A Library! - Titty SlipOrange Is The New Black And American Pie Star Natasha Lyonne Loses Her Bikini Top - FlaptasticShe Can Work My Meat Any Day! - GangBangNasty Bitches Banged At A Fuck Party - GoT NudityCersei Lannister's Shocking Nude Scene In The Season 5 Season Finale Of Game Of Thrones - How Many?Get Ready Kids, It's Time To Solve The Burning Question We've All Been Wondering: Just How Many Baseballs Can You Really Fit In A Girl? The Answer Will Amaze You

Save GoonsMove About And Use Your Head To Stop Anything From Hitting The Ground. It's That Easy. - Fuck TardThat Was A Real Dick Move. Fuckwit. - SlingSHITShe Literally Had The Shit Scared Out Of Her On This Slingshot Ride - Blacks ReactBlack Peoples Reaction To Rachel Dolezal - Pussy POVAlleged Brother And Sister Fuck On Webcam... May Or May Not Be Real But The Sex Is Damn Good! - Will It Fit?This Tiny Teenaged Blonde Girl Signs Up To Do Porn So Producers Of Course Wheel Out The Biggest Cock They Can Find. The Question Then Becomes Can She Fit It In?? - Holy Shit!Her Uterus Must Look Like A Punching Bag After Taking That Massive Cock - BralessA Very Hot Clip Of A Mega Stacked Babe Going Braless In Public! - Great AssesVictoria's Secret Is Josephine Skriver And Candice Swanepoel Have Amazing Asses! - Dark NipsChristina Milian Braless Reveals Her Dark Nipples

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand" she started off with one of the first applicants "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question". She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case". "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted "He sued me for the money".
So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That fucker had an erection. What a fag!
Instead of sending dick pics I'm gonna start sending junk mail. It's pretty much the same thing only it sounds a little classier.
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.


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-One evening I was really, really, horny and he wasn't. I bugged him for sex but he wasn't relenting. I asked him what I could do to get him to have sex with me. He got this evil grin on his face and dragged me to the kitchen. After a bit of foreplay, he gave me the stipulation for sex: I had to wash the dishes while he fucked me and if I stopped, he would stop too. I was flabbergasted but my ladybits overruled my sense of dignity.

-When I finished grad school last year I wanted to celebrate. Really celebrate. And I always had a thing for random hook-ups so I looked on Craigslist. Posted something like "if you have a hotel room and a bottle of champagne we could have some fun." After going through a few "Are you real?" and cock pictures- it took seconds! I found a promising hook-up. I called and chatted a bit. He had a condo with an amazing view of the city and several bottles of champagne. And he was pretty cute! In retrospect I know I could have been killed any number of ways, but luckily it was all good fun.

-When I was fourteen I rode my scooter (with my idiot friends) into a McDonald's. Little did I know, the floor had just been mopped. I came in, full speed, and slid across the floor and then went flying right into the fountain drink machine. Soda started splashing out all over me, and I was asked to leave.

-I once rented an apartment, while filling the waterbed a neighbour invited me over for a quick buzz. Sometime later I remembered I was filling the water bed and went back to my apartment. As I got close to the door, the carpet in the hall was wet. When I opened the door, the apartment was flooded with about an inch of water on the floor, and the water bed bladder was the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. Needless to say I was evicted before I was fully moved in. I was just lucky that I was young and didn't have anything worth suing for.

-I got myself into three fights in the same night, broke the windshield and side window of some random car with my fist, subsequently got arrested and the arresting officer was my kick-boxing trainer. One of the dudes I punched was a buddy of mine and what made it worse was that he is a really small dude who wouldn't hurt a fly. All of this came as a huge shock when I started to pick up the pieces when I woke up the next morning in the lockup... couldn't believe that even with alcohol I could be such an asshole.

-In my old flat a few years back, me and my mates are all getting crazy high. One of my mates decides to go put some burgers under the grill. Then he came back into the room and continued to get high... for about an hour. He casually walks out, and returns, and in a normal, calmed baked voice says "Lads... the kitchen is on fire". Being crazy high we all just sat there. "What?" Mate: "Yeah, the kitchens on fire" still all normal and calm like. We go in and the whole room is full of thick grey smoke and flames coming out the grill, had to get the fire extinguisher. Whoops.

-Looked for my phone, while talking on my phone.

-I was working at a camp as a sailing instructor, and on our weekends off we'd rent a cabin on one of the nearby lakes and party. One time I was drunk and trying to bang one of the female counsellors and I locked everyone out so I could. Ended up passing out afterwards, everybody had to sleep on the grass outside.

-When I was 11ish, I tilted my head and filled my ear canal with fumes from a lighter. I then lit the lighter. It engulfed my whole head in a fire ball. My friends were thoroughly entertained, my parents were not.

-My husband told me he lost his wedding ring, so I went out and spent all my savings to buy him a new one, and I engraved our kid's names on the inside. It was his Birthday a few days after he lost it. So I wrapped it up and gave it to him as a present, he didn't open it and after reading the card he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I can't return the ring because I engraved it.

-When I was a kid, probably eight or nine years old, I wanted to see what it would feel like to put a switched-on electric razor up against my tongue. I thought it would tickle. I didn't realise how the device worked - that there was a tiny blade zooming back and forth underneath each little hole. I lost a lot of tastebuds that day and a fair amount of blood.

-My boyfriend went to France for exchange for 6 months. I thought it would be great if I surprised him, so I spent $4000 on booking a fancy hotel room and flights during the fourth month of his trip. When I got there, he revealed he'd met another girl and had been sleeping with her for the past couple of months. I ended up broken hearted and alone. At least Paris is beautiful.

-When I was little I was not allowed to have a Barbie doll. Internally, I believe that did a lot of psychological damage. Scissors became my best friend. Soon, I developed a strategic plan to GI-Jane all the neighbourhood Barbie dolls. Towards the end of one summer - I hit jackpot at a local birthday party. Unfortunately, I stuffed all the lopped locks into my khaki pockets and forgot to remove the evidence and I was promptly busted the next time my mum did laundry.

-I once poked myself in the eye with a pair of safety goggles.

-One night a couple of years ago, I had a fuse blow in my old apartment. Unfortunately, the fuse had skipped the threads, and it was difficult to get out. So the way I figured it, since I was wearing sneakers with rubber soles and wearing rubber dishwashing gloves, and my chosen implement had a plastic handle, it would be okay to pry at it with a screwdriver. That all sounded feasible but was not the correct conclusion. The resulting shock knocked me clear across the room.

-We used to camp in we were living in Scotland. So we get to our camping place and my father tells younger brother to go put the milk in the stream so it stays cold. I stood by and watched as my brother off the top and proceeded to pour the milk into the stream. We still laugh about that method of cooling down drinks.

-When I was 18 and traveling around the world I spent time in the Pacific nations and decided one morning to go crocodile hunting, with a bowie knife. It was very stupid, and having scoped out a nice brook not far from the sea, complete with croc marks (a nice slide and foot scuff marks) I decided to wade into the dark pool feeling carefully with my feet, knife at the ready. At chest-deep I started to wonder at the wisdom of this move. Luckily for me the croc was away!

-When I was I kid my parents told me to tell my bike combination to a friend in case I forgot it. So I told my friend that I rode to school with. One day, I forgot the combination and he was pissed at me about something and wouldn't tell me. The deal we worked out was that he could kick me in the nuts. And that's just what happened. I've taken nut-shots before but that was the record setter... such... intense... pain. But he did tell me the combination.

-Drove drunk and stoned through a blizzard in the middle of winter 30 miles into the city. In my mom's '86 Buick LeSabre. Every time we wanted to drive it we had to put a whole bottle of power steering fluid in due to a massive leak in the hose and only the passenger's side door would open. Did this a couple of times... never got pulled over or in any accidents. Really can't believe I was that dumb but it was kind of worth it.


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A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left".

The guy walks down, sees Betsy. She's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the worst feeling he's ever had on his dick - like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. "Umm... something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then says "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks". She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The guy puts it back in and now, it's the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her "Oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do?" Betsy smiles, and says "For the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs".


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One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand.

The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.

The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says "Dear, I'm ready!" The husband asks "For what?" She says "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies "Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book!"


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One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say "God bless mummy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her "Why did you say the last part?" The daughter replies "Because I needed to".

The next day, grandpa dies. The father wonders is this just a coincidence...

That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears "Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma". The father now is thinking "Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future?"

The next day, grandma dies.

A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears "Bless you mummy, rest in peace daddy". The father starts panicking and saying "Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow!"

The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says "How is this possible? I should be dead! "

He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks "What took you so long!?" The father says "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days". Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out "I saw the mailman die yesterday!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants "before you take them off... is it true what they say about black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "Baby, of course".

He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.


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A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffer dog.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "Search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. He asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb".


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An elderly woman walked into bank one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the manager because, she said, she had a lot of money. After a lengthy discussions the elderly woman was taken to the manager's office.

The bank manager asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000". The manager was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The manager was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square". The manager started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the manager and said "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly" replied the manager. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square". "Done" the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness". "No problem" said the bank manager confidently.

That night, the manager became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the manager's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the manager's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The manager was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the manager if she could touch them. "Of course" he said. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure".

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the manager noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o'clock in the morning I would have the bank managers balls in my hand!"                           


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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time...

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"


Well well well what have we here...? The motherfucking eggs end is what! Except for this last bit that is. READ:

-Check out the site archives or go finger your own asshole. The choice is yours.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Surely gotta be the huge Reader Mail update you guys have been waiting for any week now...?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray punch your baby in the face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and practice random acts of selfishness. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.06.11-17.44

Welcome to people... what a bunch of BASTARDS!

The realisation you've been overdoing it. I've been on this whole 'sort my shit' out regime for the past month or 2 and one of the main aspects has been to ramp up the exercise from 'none'. There was a time a few years ago where I was all about the walking and cycling and rowing. The result was losing a fruck load of weight and way, way fitter. Unfortunately it all sort of fell by the wayside thanks to hectic life, managing a child, injuries and so on. Finally got all that under control so I've been easing back into it - heading out for a few kilometre walk several days a week. Was going awesomely until my motivation spiked and it turned into 8-9 kilometres each morning. Combine this with the encroaching cold weather and ignoring the signs my body perhaps wasn't happy about the extra activity... well it's all sort of conspired to give me the sorest, stiffest neck possible. Shoulders aren't far behind either. Makes sitting in front of the computer for long hours unpleasant too. Now I'm going to need to take a break for a while plus seek treatment. Can't help but think going moderately might have been a better strategy.

Moving on. Have been busy with a crapload of house stuff that needs doing. Fix this. Paint that. Glue those. Move them. And so it has gone. Saturday was when numerous of the tasks were officially completed. Sure, I'm the only one who'll ever know about them but at least, for now, my OCD has been placated. Definitely motoring through and with some luck should have everything done in about a kabillion years.

That night was a rare opportunity to both head out on a Saturday night together. Decided to stop at a food court for dinner where we ran into a friend who isn't really a friend; more friend of a friend. More I couldn't remember his name until he referred to himself in the third person. And oh can he talk. Like really, really talk. Nonstop. Like if you can get a word in you're doing well. Next on the agenda was a mates going away party. As he's an old school mate it basically ended up being another school reunion and mostly guys I wasn't particularly good mates with. You end up torn between shall I talk to them despite not giving a single fuck what they have to say or are up to these days and trying not to be rude.

Sunday Sunday. Was on baby duty for the morning whilst the GF went off to a baby market. These markets are where mums can get amazing deals on second-hand stuff their baby doesn't need... but that doesn't matter - what's important is that everything is so cheap! "I know our baby already has 492 pairs of socks but OMG I had to buy them - they usually cost $20 in the shops and I got 67 of them for $15 and THEY ARE SO CUTE!" Well thank god for that.

From there I went off to do some maintenance at a friend's house. It had recently sold and is due to handover this week. Of course there was a list of items picked up by the buyers that needed to be rectified before that can happen. This is where people get a little bit stupid. The selling agent said a plumber and electrician would have to be called and then someone else to legally verify the work had been done properly. Hundreds of dollars' worth of shit. Umm no. I run around, check everything, and then zip to the hardware store to buy some globes and washers. Upon returning there was maybe 30 minutes of fiddling to tick everything off. And oh look... no tradesmen required. Total cost $16.

We hit the cinema later in the day. I'm a huge Entourage fan and have been since the start so wasn't going to [read: couldn't] wait any longer to see the film. Firstly, I can see how it may not appeal to those who hadn't watched or liked the series. Secondly, buuuut I fucking loved it. What's not to love about a bunch of rich guys cruising around like they own the place and fucking hot bitches? It's actually kind of how I see myself [minus the wealth, stardom, entourage, cool cars and ability to pull any girl].

Alright that about does it with me writing words on a page. Strap yourself in now for a brand new update that is going to do make your day into something special. Check it...

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IngeniousPizza Hut’s ‘Blockbuster Box’ Turns Into A Lo-fi DIY Movie Projector For Your Smartphone - HILARIOUSYou Have My Word That This Ladder Prank Will Make You Chuckle - IntriguingMen Watching Pr0n With The Actual Stars Of The Film Is As Awkward And Funny As It Sounds - Gets AwkwardEx Couples Ask Each Other A Set Of Random Questions. What's Clever However Is They Do It With Alcohol. It Just Gets Better From There - Huge JerkTexas Policeman Suspended After Going Nuts And Pulling Gun On Teens At Pool Party - GREAT BodSpanish Hottie Happy To Get A Cock In Her In Public As Long As Its A Big One - Wait For ItYou Know What's Coming... And That's Why I Had To Watch With My Fingers Covering Eyes. Fuxake Guys! - It's BanksySleeping Toothpaste Art Is A Total Masterpiece Of Expressionist Brushing Techniques - Double BJIf I Had The Opportunity To Spent Some Time With Two Slutty Girls This Is Exactly What I Would Do With Them... Or Make Them Do To Me... - Still WorksMassive Fail As Artificial Reef In Florida Flips Upside Down

Bone CherieCherie Was Having A Nice Warm Bath, Just Happily Rubbing One Out When Along Comes What She Really Wanted - A Very Hard Fucking. - Brain PainA Brainteaser Game About Playing With Letters, As The Title Gives Away. Basically You Will Either Love This Game Or Walk Away Annoyed. - SeaquestTake On The Red Army In This Sea Based Strategy Game! Incrementally Build Your Navy, Research Special Weapons And Take Back Your Territory. Yes, There Is More To It Than That And You Can See Yourself How Quickly This Addictive Game Chews Up The Hours! - GorgeousA Fantastic Set Of Viola Bailey Getting Naked In A Bathroom! Not Much To Say Besides... TITS! - Pantie SlipEmmanuelle Chriqui, Better Known As Sloan From Entourage, Succumbs To The Wind And Exposes What's Under Her Dress - WWE PornFuck Hulk Hogan And Rick Flair. This Horny Wrestler Never Taps Out. Even With A Stiff Cock Inside Her. - Miley WinI Know Miley Gets Her Tits Out More And More Regularly But This Has To Be Some Of Their Best Work... - Cunty MumWoman Gives Her 8 Year Old A Stick To Beat Her Neighbours Kids - DestroyedWhilst Watching This Guy Destroy Her Vagina With His Insanely Big Dick, It Is Hereby Ruined For Every Guy Who Ever Tries To Go There Again. - Its PossibleAnd There You Have It. Men Can Have Babies After All!

Sweet - SiiickSpeaking Of Powerful Lasers, Check This Sick Little Puppy Out! - AmazingDamn, That Tire Just Fucked His Hand Up. That's Why You Gotta Keep Your Arms And Legs Inside The Vehicle At All Times. Look At The Chick Take Off And Never Look Back. - FingerbangDude Fingerbangs The Hell Out Of His Drunk Girlfriend In Park Full Of People. These Things Are Always A Good Idea When Alcohol Is Involved! - Hurt Bro?That Sure Doesn't Look Like The Best Place To Stand, But It's Best To Let That Person Learn The Lesson For Himself. And That's All The Racing He's Watching Today. - JusticeArmed With A Knife He Tried To Rob Passengers In The Bus. Locals Caught Him And Delivered An Ass Kicking. He Will Probably Think Twice Before Doing That Again. - She ScreamsI Have No Idea Where She Puts It All! Miracle Of Science!! - Naked ChixNo Idea Who These Models Are, Nor What This Is Meant To Be About But It Doesn't Change The Fact They Are All Exceptionally Hot And Exceptionally Naked. - Lightweight!DAMN! Girl Suddenly And Unexpectedly Passes Out After Taking A Bong Hit - First AnalFirst Time Anal Is Always A Historic Event. Why Not Film It For Posterity? And All The Guts On The Internets... They'll Love It! - Tub TitsWhen Yasmine Pops Herself In The HotTub, Two Things Happen. First, The Water Begins To Boil. Second, I'm Going To Stare Wantingly At Her Naked Body.

The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!" 
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy-tale? White begins "Once upon a time" black begins "Y'all motherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit!"
Mick opens Paddy's fridge and says "Why have you got an empty milk bottle in here?" Paddy replies "In case someone wants black coffee, you thick twat!"
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you" the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend". "I'm not surprised" said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience". "Well, yes and no" the pretty student remarked. "How so?" asked mum. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore".


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Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of". And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months".

And Elaine is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

And Roger is thinking: "So that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!"

And Elaine is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected!"

And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600".

And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure".

And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs".

And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy".

And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."

"Roger" Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."

Elaine breaks down, sobbing.

"What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool" Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse". "There's no horse?" says Roger "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time" Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

"Yes" he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time" says Elaine. "Oh" says Roger. "Yes".

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger" she says. "Thank you" says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


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It was 1940 in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you put your ear to it, you will know what I mean. All it does is Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic all of the time Tic-Tic-Tic. It doesn't Toc".

"Okay, leave it viz me, I'll sort it out. Come back on Thursday when it will be ready for you".

The customer returned to the clock repair shop on the Thursday; went inside where he saw the SS Officer, and the mantel clock on the counter which had been repaired and was awaiting collection.

The customer said to the SS Officer "Oh, so you got it working then, how much do I owe you?" "Ten Deutsche Marks" said the SS Officer. The customer paid him, picked up the clock and started to walk out when he stopped and turned to the SS Officer and said "Out of curiosity, just how did you manage to get it going properly again?" To which the SS Officer replied "Vee had ways of making it TOC!"


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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear". Then he felt the bullet hole and declared "Shot with a .308 rifle". He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye!?"

His wife angrily replied "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced "Skunk, killed with an axe".


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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.

His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A guy went out duck hunting, when a very powerful gust of wind blew, which caused his gun to fall over and discharge, and shoot him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot".

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister".

"Well I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in a symphony orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.


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A man walks into a bar, he sees a donkey crying in the corner with a bucket of quarters next to him. He walks up to the bartender and asks "What's wrong with the donkey?" The bartender replies "He's been crying all week, I can't get him to stop. He's been driving away all of my customers".

The man looks at the donkey and says "Can I be of help?" The bartender looks up at the man with a very excited face. The bartender says "If you could do that, the bucket of quarters is yours!"

The man takes the donkey outside, then comes back in after a minute. The donkey is laughing. The bartender says " ou did it! The bucket is all yours!" The man takes the bucket and walks home.

A week later the man comes back to the same bar. He sees the donkey laughing again, and another bucket of quarters next to him. He asks the bartender "What happened? There's nobody here! "The bartender says "The donkey has been laughing all week, he won't stop. Please, if you could, do your magic again to help him. I need my business".

The man takes the donkey outside, but this time, an hour passes, and he walks into the bar again. The donkey is crying. The bartender says "Incredible! You are truly magical! How on earth do you do it!? "The man replies "Well, the first time I did it, I told him my dick was bigger than his. He started laughing. Then, the second time I proved it to him".


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A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers' Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. "NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. "NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde looked at him and said "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"


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A priest, a father, and a rabbi are walking home from their respective services when they pass a bar.

The priest says "I wish we could all go in and have a drink tonight". To this the father says "Let me try something I'll be right back".

So the father goes into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender comes over to get paid the father says "My son, I have already paid you for my drink". To which the bartender replies "I'm sorry father, it must've slipped my mind". "It's alright my son. You have a good night" the father says and leaves.

He goes outside to tell the priest and the rabbi what to do.

The priest goes in and comes out successful, so the rabbi goes in. He orders and when it comes time to pay he says to the bartender "Listen sonny I have already paid for my drinks tonight". Now the bartender replies "I'm sorry rabbi, you're the third man of the cloth to come in here tonight I must be slipping!" The rabbi replies "That's ok sonny, but can I have the change from my fifty".


I'm nothing short of exhausted after that. Hopefully you enjoyed otherwise it was a fairly significant waste of my time. If you did, read on. If not, fuck you.

-Check out the site archives. Do you even know why you MUST do this?
-Next update will be next Thursday so call me maybe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will complain loudly.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ???. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.06.04-18.14

Welcome to genuine surprise you don't have ugly children.

Do you ever run so far behind schedule so often that you should probably just accept that is the schedule now...? By that I mean if you are never on time then that time is actually on schedule. Still not making sense? Well fuck you then.

Must admit I'm pretty damn tempted to skip writing a blog today and posting a whole bunch of jokes in this section instead... but I don't like doing that... which is a shame because that's exactly what's going to happen. It's been a stuuupidly busy week with long hours and a monumental amount of work being done. Everything from stuff on this update, next week's update, five or six updates to cover my away-time later this year, stuff around the house, stuff around other people houses and even some QT with the fam. Have also dropped 12kg since April... doesn't really have anything to do with anything except provide an opportunity for me to say "suck shit, fatties". Anyway... better get a move on else I'll fall behind the new later schedule and I'll have to rewrite that first paragraph. Check it...


So I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring "You fucking Paki bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick! You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch. "That's it George! I've had it this time" his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever". "That's impossible" he replied "you don't even know where I'm getting it".
Me and my girlfriend were banging away and screwing for over an hour last night. Damn you IKEA! 20 minutes assembly time my arse!
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property. Stay Out!'" The golfer says "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?" The man says "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now". The golfer looks at the man and says "I think I understand" He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well. The man says "What did you do that for?" The golfer replies "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls".
Pickup trucks pulling horse trailers began to converge at the county fair. An obviously frustrated woman was trying to turn a trailer around, manoeuvring it back and forth between a bank on one side of the narrow road and a ditch on the other. Traffic came to a halt. A man got out of his car, walked up to the window of the truck and said "Take your time. Everyone has a bad day now and then". "You think this is bad?" the woman retorted. "I forgot the horse!"
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain" sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well" sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider".
A 90-year old man said to his doctor "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang" and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year old said "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver". The doctor said "My point exactly".
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said "Congratulations, you have a son!" Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

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U Feel ItHe Said He Still Loved Her And He Will Always Think Of Her. When He Got Up And Left They Did Not See Each Other Again. It Was One Final Good Bye. Also, I bet You Will Watch This Twice! - Oh Shit!!When Your Paramotor Takes A Break... It's Time To Take A Swim... - Drunk Much?50 Hilarious Reasons Why It's Not A Good Idea To Pass Out At A Party... EVER! - Too FunnyThis Guy Has Made It His Life's Work To Antagonise His Mum And The Results Are Utterly Hilarious. - Horny WifeHorny Wife Welcomes Her Veteran Man With Her Pussy - Boobie CamGenerous Girl Mounts GoPro On Her Bike, Lets Us Watch Her Ride Around Town. I Could Watch This All Day. - Worm JerkThe Scary Bobbit Worm Is A Nightmare Fueling Horrorshow Of An Animal - God DamnI'm Not A Big Latin Women Fan But Holy Fucking Shit Ada Sanchez Has Changed All That. Fap Fap!! - Sci-burbiaWelcome To Sci-Fi Suburbia - Simon Stålenhag's Futuristic Transformations Of Mundane Landscapes - She's PerfectIts Almost Bizarre That Such An Insanely Hot Girl Would Ever Do Porn... Least Of All Anal Porn Of This Magnitude. Mind BLOWN!

BURNNNIt Is Ur Task In This Platform Game To Help The Doctor Get Through The Countryside And Ultimately To The Big City So That He May Find A Cure For His Experimental Mistake. - Beach BabeIs She Sent From Heaven To Make Our Lives Better? Who Knows... Who Cares... Look At The Pics And Enjoy... - Beer Me!As You Drink One Mug After Another, Your Ability To Control Bodily Functions Becomes Impaired. Slowly Control Dissipates And It Becomes Much Harder To Control The Beer Drinking Dad. How Well Can You Handle Your Alcohol? This Game Will Test You! - Taylor ToeTaylor Swift HUGE Camel Toe On Stage During 1989 Tour - StunningHere’s Tessa Fowler As A Classic Pinup Getting Topless At The Beach While The Sun Is Setting! Girl Next Door Or Gorgeous Pinup... Tessa Can Do It All! - HorrifyingYellow Spotted Moray Eel, Being Eaten Alive By A Honeycomb Moray Eel, Fights Until The End - The Fuck??Talk About Maybe One Of The Greatest Videos To Ever Be Recorded On The Internet, This Right Here Ranks Up On The Top One Or Two. Not Only Does The Daughter Get Wasted, We Get To See Her Mum's Ugly Ass Tittles Too. Wow, Just Wow. - Sex SlaveHazel Finds Herself Bound, Bitted, And Banged. Who Cares If That's What She Wanted Or Not. - Dirty GurlThis Innocent Looking Lass Transforms Into A Cock Gobbling Monster In This Wet N Wild Webcam Session. - Such A CUNTThe Grand Wizard Of Slut Shaming Is Back And These Dumb Thots Still Haven't Learned! Every Week A New Trainwreck Makes The Pilgrimage To Whore Mecca Chasing Quick Money And Pornstar Dreams, Only To Leave With Their Whorifices And Self-Esteem Totally Destroyed.

Space TetrisIt's Been A While Since I Saw A Good Shooter... And Also A Good Match 3 Game... And I Have Not Seen The Two Combined Before... I Think. So, Dear Player, You Are In For A Treat. - Youch!Man Trying To Mount A Horse Gets An Almighty Crack Across The Face From A Hoof - Friendly FireTwo Guys Getting To Bang One Chick At The Same Time Can Be A Wonderful Experience... That Is Until One Of The Guys Gets A Bit Loose With His Aim... - Epic HotnessOne Of The Hottest Cam Girls Ever Gets The D Nice And Deep - I'd Hit ItPlus Sized Models Is A Real Thing Now. It’s A Real Trend. Brands And Agencies Fucking Love Fat Chicks Because It’s So Good For Business... And More Importantly... It’s So Easy To Find Fat Chicks To Model For You... - Bwahaha"WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA" He Says As The Jet Powered Mini Cooper Ploughs Into A Fence. - IndiscreetThis Dude Is Knuckle Deep In His Woman's Snatch And He Doesnt Give A Fuck Who In The Beer Garden Is Watching! - Titty FuckIf Your Dick Were Between Her Big Tits You Wouldn’t Care What Her Face Was Doing. This Video Is Proof. - Scully's NipsGillian Anderson See Through Dress, Pasties Or No??? - Good ShitDaddy's Little Girl Smoked Some Meth, So Daddy Is Beating The Shit Out Of The Guy That Got Her To Smoke It.

A girl came up to me in a bar. Short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a ponytail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "I'd say 'neither am I". She raised her eyebrows "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips "easy access..." "Oh?" I replied "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents".
What do you call a Muslim with both a camel and a goat? Bisexual.
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the very old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day" she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all. "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty" she replied.
A pick pocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster" the Judge said "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150". After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said "Your Honour, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."


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Most of us have at some point in our working lives found ourelves sat next to the office twit... or maybe even in a whole office of twits. They're the ones who drive you crazy with sheer stupidity, make you cringe every time they open their mouth,, the ones that cause you to wonder how they got -any- job in the first place. Here's a few of them to help you realise you probably don't have it that bad after all...

-I had a 3 week argument with an otherwise intelligent woman who thought there were 48 weeks in the year because "there are 4 weeks in each month".

-I took a marketing communications job that was a step backwards for me, professionally. The man I had to answer to had no working knowledge of either thing. He was a former news writer, hired by his brother, the owner of the company. He didn't know the first thing about copywriting for marketing, negotiating ad buys, quantifying returns, design, web, social media... nothing. I turned the company's branding and image around, by his admission, not just mine. During an annual review and salary negotiation, he looked me in the eye and told me "You realise I take credit for everything you do, yes?" Asshole.

-Co-worker: "Oh my god, you guys, so this morning I was taking a walk and I saw a slug and... it had a shell on its back!!" Me: "So, it was a snail?" Co-worker: "Really? I've never seen a snail before!!! Is that what it is?"

-"You know that anti-virus program they installed on my computer? It kept popping up some sort of message about a Trojan or something while I was surfing on the internet. It doesn't seem to be doing anything about it because I kept getting the message like every other day, so I uninstalled the antivirus program. And now I don't get that message anymore!"

-I have a co-worker who refuses to use any program but Excel. He even used a ruler to measure out the cells to make labels, rather than using the pre-made label form in Word. His reasoning? "I know Excel, I don't know any of the others".

-It was a big meeting (60ish people) and this lady was giving a presentation on some employee engagement BS. It had "Mean Survey Scores" broken down by department. A nerdy looking guy raises his hand and asks "Why did you use the mean instead of the average?" I perk up, getting excited to hear this lady WHO IS IN CHARGE OF A STATISTICAL STUDY respond to this softball of a question. She comes back with "Oh James, I knew you would ask a stats question. I have to admit I don't know the answer to that but I will get it for you".

-The staff decided to buy a cake and card for the owner of the company I manage for his birthday. After the party they came to me with a receipt wanting to get reimbursed by the owner for the cost of the cake and the card. Yes, they wanted the owner to buy his own cake and card.

-There is this cleaning lady at my work who always stops me to talk about the most random things and I dread it every time because I'm not an asshole who just walks away from a person talking to me. While at work one day, she doesn't stop me to talk - she just walks by me with a pale face and says "There was blood everywhere". I stop and I ask her if she is alright. She stares at me as if she isn't really looking at me and says "There was blood everywhere". I ask her "Where was there blood everywhere?" She tells me that while her brother-in-law was sleeping, his two Siberian huskies went into her 9-month-old niece's room and killed her by decapitating her. She then said "I didn't know babies had so much blood". I proceeded to walk away and I never talked to her again.

-My co-worker left an unattended tealight that started a small fire inside a glass candle holder. In a day-care. When I saw it, I told another co-worker to keep the kids away, then ran to the nearest sink, soaked a hand towel that was hanging there, wrung it out, and threw it over the candle. The fire went right out, to the chorus of "OOOooohhh" from the kids. The co-worker responsible came in just as the situation was resolved and I told her what happened. She answered, in a calm voice, that, yes, of course, tealights could cause fires "but only small fires, not big ones".

-Co-worker: "Hey Eric" Me: "Yes". Co-worker: "Are you at your computer?" Me: "No ;)" Co-worker: "Ok, well let me know if you can get to it soon so that we can start the meeting". Me: "Ok, I'll let you know".

-My sister was a lowly admin assistant, tasked to walk the company CEO through using some new software. So she's standing over his desk, they've got the program open, and she tells him to "right-click". So he pulls out a pen and grabs a sticky-note and writes "click". "Okay, now what?"

-Co-worker on phone: "Hold on a minute (presses hold then says to Team Leader). John is on the phone and needs to talk to you". Team Leader: "Tell him I'm at lunch".

-Me: "I'm going to remotely connect to your computer to fix your problem". Co-worker: "Does my computer have to be on?"

-Had a conversation with a co-worker who told me she was going to Mexico in the spring. When asked what part of Mexico, she replied, very seriously "Puerto Rico"...


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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me". The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewellery department and gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but okay if you like it then let's get it!"

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register".

The husband says "No no no... honey we're not going to buy all this stuff".

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey... I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while".

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"


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A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully coloured parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he could let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. Before accepting her money, the owner said "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty... well, embarrassing stuff". The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said "New house, new madam". The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird looked them over and said "New house, new madam, new girls!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5pm the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new girls, same old faces. Hi Steve!"


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-She dropped a box of one dozen candles in glass jars on the floor then proceeds to lie to our boss and tell him that there was a spill on the floor and that she'd asked me to clean it up earlier and I hadn't. He tells me that since I hadn't cleaned up the spill, that I'd caused this accident, and that $100 worth of candles would be coming out of my paycheque. I told him I hadn't even been down that aisle all day and that no one had told me about any spills. Cue the security cameras which showed her dropping the box on the ground, opening it and realising she'd broken 12 candles. She proceeds to dump the box on its side, take a water bottle and poor a huge puddle about 5 feet away from where she dropped the box. She got fired.

-I once had an admin assistant ask me if I thought a stack of paper this big (she held out her finger and her thumb) would fit in a 2-inch binder. I just replied by asking her if that space between her fingers was more than 2 inches then it probably wouldn't.

-My co-worker Mark has a Godzilla costume. Our office is on the same floor as the development company responsible for managing the retail campus we're on. They have a room in it with all their various awards and a full scale model of the entire campus on a giant table in the middle. Mark got fired under less than pleasant circumstances. He went home, got into his Godzilla costume, and came back to the office building and stomped THE SHIT out of that scale model. I mean LEVELLED IT. Really did Godzilla proud that day.

-When I flipped hamburgers as a teenager I remember watching the fry cook trying to fill the empty deep fryer with a soup spoon. He had a 2ft x 1ft cube of fat that he was transferring to the fryer one scooped-out soup spoon's worth at a time - Scoop-Tap-Tap-Tap-Tap-Tap. Fat Slowly Slides Off Spoon. Plop. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. He was going to be there until the next ice age. I walked over, grabbed the cube of fat and flipped it upside-down onto the top of the deep fryer and turned on the pilot light to allow the fat to warm up and melt into the fryer. "Now go do something else while this is melting". He looked at me like I was The Messiah.

-Heard while walking by a co-worker's office "I know that my count is in the rears, but..."

-One ditz in our office walked around for years calling the print queue the cu-ey. She really had no idea if it was a mythical land of gremlins that made the printer run or some type of printer part. Nobody corrected her because it was so funny. "I sent it to the cu-ey but it didn't come out" "I'll just send it to the cu-ey and you can run it off". She was also the slowest apple slicer in history. She'd stand directly in front of the microwave during lunch and just peel away with a paring knife for 10 minutes.

-My worst experience was when my boss told me to fudge data on report to prove we had removed hazards to navigation in a shipping channel when the data showed we hadn't. A report to the state with my name on it... That was the last task I ever did for him, as I quit the next day.

-A co-worker of mine once cajoled our office manager into personally assisting him as he used the "misbehaving" fax machine to send a very important fax. It turned out that his method, God's honest truth here, was to lay the pages on the glass of our photocopier and then try to enter the destination fax number on the copier's keypad. The copier, thinking he was trying to tell it to make 16.2 billion copies, was giving him an error message each time.

-Girl on my team pinged her senior on our office messenger saying "Fuck this guy's bullshit, me and this guy are going to have issues with his deadline". She meant to send that to another girl on the team but instead sent it directly to him. Proceeded to tell him that it wasn't directed towards him and she was talking about her husband. Whoops.

-My supervisor used to tell all of her direct reports about her NuvaRing and vaginal discharge.

-My sister is a teacher at an elementary school. This school has no wireless internet. Not a big deal if you think about it, seeing as it is only an elementary school, until you hear why. Another teacher that works there has claimed that she is allergic to electricity. This woman brought a note from a chiropractor to her place of employment and asked them to refrain from using electrical things around her...and that Wi-Fi apparently makes her condition worse.

-I got fired from a pizza place, because someone (who didn't like me) screwed up an order, that she wasn't supposed to take, in my section. The girl smirked and snickered when she found out. The next day the boss told called us both in. The boss had watched the security tapes and saw exactly what happened with the order. He also saw the girl steal two other people's tips. I got my job back, and she was fired.

-I worked with a 55-year-old Christian woman who was a virgin. She wrote Christian romance fanfiction about Riker from Star Trek Next Gen.

-One time we were on a pretty big location so we had a golf cart the PA's used to drive around the muckety-mucks and equipment from time to time. Well the muckety-mucks want some Starbucks so they send one of the PA's on a coffee run. The PA decides it's a good idea to take the golf cart to Starbucks... the Starbucks was 6 blocks away and this was the middle of DC.

-I've got a co-worker that wears these creepy old pop bottle glasses and has halitosis that emanates from hell. He likes to talk real fast and get right up in your face too. If you back up, he just moves back in closer. After talking to him for a few minutes I can literally feel his mouth stench filling my sinuses and it stays with me for a while after. He also likes to get on his public Twitter account and talk trash about people too. I'm one of those people.

-Co-worker #1: "Yeah, I heard she's a squatter". Co-worker #2: "Really, she doesn't have a place to live?" Co-worker #1: "No, she squats above the toilet seat when she goes to the restroom. It gets everywhere so HR is going to talk to her". Co-worker #2: "Damn dude, can you imagine what the bathroom in her house looks like?"

-I caught an end user typing "Google" into the Bing search field, to get to Google.

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."


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Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio. Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, fire trucks, the whole bit!

He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!" Little Johnny looks up and says "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio". Willy scowls and jealously mutters "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off to go riding again.

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?" Little Johnny dryly interrupts with "The bank was robbed?" Willy scowls and storms off, muttering "You and your fuckin' radio!"

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"

Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave "Bah! Pig's ass you did!" "You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.


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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


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Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth".

The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree".


Well well well... here we are at the end... but the fun is only just beginning. Wanna know why? Of course you do! So read on...

-Check out the site archives. Every single Orsm update dating back to 1953 before Playboy was invented and some guy called Hugh ripped off our idea.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you can't seem to remember that just keep checking back daily until something changes.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will be particuarly condescending to you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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