Orsm.net on Facebook
orsmupdate 2021.03.04-22.30

Welcome to Thursday vu all over again.

I kicked off last week's update with some words about how it'd had been a shit fight lately getting updates to come together in a timely manner. It's exhausting and stressful. Keen Eager Desperate to break the cycle, I devoted as many hours as possible over the long weekend towards this update. And by "as many hours as possible" I mean what was left after the SO went down with an injury leaving me to parent solo. Urgh. Unfortunately, those extra hours didn't help all that much and the shit fight has continued. Urgh! I'm pretty sure if I keep plugging along I'll eventually get on top of it and reclaim my life. Last time I went through this was mid last year. Think I was pretty invested in the lockdown life and trying to get too much done. Eventually caught up, normalised then fucked it all up again. Some people never learn...

Speaking of never learning - have I ever told you guys todays update is the greatest ever? Well... check it...

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do". "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it". "Well, then" the doctor continued "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant". The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course" the doctor replied "Where do you think politicians come from?"
A guy goes to the Optician complaining of blurred vision. Looking into his eyes with a scope, the optician began to tut-tut and groan. "What is it?" asked the guy anxiously. "The worst case of Christian Brothers Syndrome I have ever seen!". "Christian Brothers Syndrome? What's that?" "Your pupils are fucked!"
A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you". Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him. Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car. The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?" "I am your guardian angel!" answers the voice joyfully. "REALLY?" says the man in sudden anger "Then where the fuck were you when I got MARRIED??"
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles". "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied "Well, I'm the fish friar". She turns the other brother and says "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk".
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah. But today is the last day!"
Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other. At about midnight, John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand. "Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you" John asked. "Why the hell would I want you to come" Bob asked. "Because that's my dick you're are holding..."
A child asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on". The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now". The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied "No... your mum was talking about her side of the family..."
A black guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says "Heaven is very full at the moment and we are restricting entry only to people who have done something amazing with their lives. Have you ever done anything amazing in your life?" The black guy replies "In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Ku Klux Klan". "No way!" says St Peter "That is truly amazing! When did that happen?" "Oh, about three minutes ago".
The lawyer said to the wealthy art collector tycoon; "I have some good news and I have some bad news". The tycoon replied "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer said "Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million". The tycoon replied enthusiastically "Well done! My wife is so astute! You've just made my day. Now what's the bad news?" The lawyer answered "The pictures are of you with your secretary".

Click for more awesomeness

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman hit the pub. They each order a pint of beer. Three flies come along and all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and keeps drinking his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, squeezes it reeeealy tight and screams "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!"
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder... "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing".


At his wife's insistence, Luigi goes along with his wife to marriage counseling.

The wife goes in first.

"And what seems to be the issue?" asks the counselor. "Luigi is a good man; a fine man" says the wife. However, there are three things I wish he would change:

First, he is a workaholic. Work, work, work. He works too much; it's affecting us at home.

Second, and this is a little disgusting, he's always picking his nose. It's embarrassing.

Third, and this very personal, when we have sex, he never lets me be on top".

"Okay" says the counselor. He sends the wife out, and calls Luigi in.

"How is your marriage?" asks the counselor. "It'sa good". says Luigi.

"No complaints?" asks the counselor. "No complaints". says Luigi.

"Your wife had a few things she would like me to talk about" says the counselor. "Okay?" "Sure". says Luigi.

"First, she says you are a workaholic. You are working all the time, and it affects the relationship.

Second, she says you pick your nose in public, and this is embarrassing for her.

"Third, how shall I say this, you don't let her on top when you have sex".

"Lemme tella you something" says Luigi. "When I come to this country, my father tells me three things. Three things, he tells me, if I want to make it in Australia:

First, he says to worka hard. So I worka hard.

Second, he tells me to keepa my nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean.

And the third thing he tella me is... don't fuck up!"



Previously: GIRLS & DOGS #5 - GIRLS & DOGS #4 - GIRLS & DOGS #3 - GIRLS & DOGS #2 - MORE >>


Click for more awesomeness

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice. He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he spoke like this. Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity.

Now, he was in his thirties, and he really wondered why this was, and if something could be done about it. So he went to the doctor...

"Hi doc, so my voice is really high, has always been, and I just wanted to find out if I can make it deeper somehow?" "Sure, but I will have to examine you before" the doctor replied.

So the doctor took his blood pressure, felt his lungs, but couldn't find anything.

"Hmm" the doctor pondered and looked at him "I think we are going to have to undress you".

So the man took off his clothes down to his boxers.

"I'm sorry, but the boxers need to come off too".

The man removed his boxers, and revealed this foot-long, cobra-looking schlong hanging between his legs.

"Aha!" the doctor exclaimed, gesticulating towards the man's unit "I know why your voice is so high! See, your penis is so big that it pulls down on your vocal cords, effectively tensing them up and giving your voice that high-pitch. Your voice didn't change during puberty because your dick dropped down at the same time!"

The man was shocked.

"Wow, I never realised that there was a link between the two. Well, is there something we can do about it?"

The doctor thought for a while.

"Well, there is one highly experimental procedure" his voice was tense and serious "in which we would cut the middle part of your penis off and sew the end parts together" the doctor said, illustrating the procedure with his hands "this way, you would get a lower voice and keep a smaller, yet functioning penis". "Geez, I'll have to really think about this" the man replied "I definitely need to talk to my wife about it first".

So the man thanked the doctor, went home to his wife and discussed it with her. He then returned, a week or so later, and said he was ready for the procedure, so the doctor put him to sleep and proceeded with cutting off and sewing together the man's penis. When the man woke up, he had a dark, booming, manly voice.

"Wow, doc. Thank you so much for this, I've never felt so manly in my entire life!"

The man went home with his new voice, happy, energized and masculine. But some two weeks later, he returns to the doctor to talk to him.

"Hey, doc. Listen, I've thought about it, and the voice doesn't make up for the fact that I now have a small penis. I don't feel as manly as I did before, so I'd like to revert the procedure. Do you still have the piece that you cut off?"

The doctor looked at him and, in a high-pitched voice, replied "Sorry, I threw it away right after".



Previously: #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - MORE >>

Farmer goes to a brothel after a drought and asks for a lady.

Madame calls over a beauty. "Deedee here's absolutely lovely, and she can take care of you for only $300". The Farmer shakes his head "Sorry lady, I can't afford that... anyone else?"

Deedee huffs and walks off. The Madam snaps her finger and a hefty woman saunters up. "Gertrude make your toes curl... only 100".

The farmer, dejected, sighs, turns around and heads out the door.

"Wait! How much do you have?" asks the Madam. "Only $50" responds the farmer, downcast. "Well, if you don't mind her looks, Sandy up in the attic... she can do you".

The farmer brightens up, pays and heads to the attic where in the candlelit room he finds a very unsightly woman. "What the heck, it's dark" he thinks and gets in bed with her.

After a few moments, he pulls out in frustration. "Jeez lady, I see why they call you Sandy! It feels like sandpaper inside!!!"

"Oh, hold on a second" she says, and goes to the bathroom. Returning in a few minutes, she lays back and the farmer mounts up. This time she's very warm and very wet. The farmer, now in heaven, exclaims "My God, it's as smooth as silk!!! What'd you do?" "Not much sweetie. Just picked off all the scabs".


Click for more awesomeness

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore" she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 10 kilometres you drive over the 100-kilometre speed limit, I'll remove one piece of clothing".

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 110 mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 120 off came the pants.

At 130 it was her bra and at 140 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help" he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up" he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"



GIRLS SLEEPING previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

Click for more awesomeness


Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. He exclaims "I'm feeling lucky! I'll take anyone's bet".

The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks". "You've got a deal mister".

He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50.

"Hundred bucks says you can't do it again".

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He immediately falls thirteen stories to his death.

The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him "Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk!"



Previously on Orsm: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing".

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins.

After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income" he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins". The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look" he said "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "That's it?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Click for more awesomeness


Click for more awesomeness

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible".

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible".

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him".

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him" replied the lady.



Previously: SLIPS #8 - SLIPS #7 - SLIPS #6 - SLIPS #5 - SLIPS #3 - SLIPS #2 - SLIPS #1 - MORE >>

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children.

He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philanthropic endeavours.

Unfortunately, animal rights protestor started vandalising his property until one night they released all the foxes he needed to make clothes. He was ruined, as he didn't have enough capital to start over. Worse, the temperatures were dropping, at the cost of the downtrodden.

Frustrated, Charles tears off all his clothes. And runs down the street screaming obscenities about the people who ruined him into the late hours of the night. His friends tried to stop him. They implored him to think of his friends, family, and reputation and how this behaviour would affect him.

He responds "They ruined my business and I have no fox to give".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 03 04

Previously: 25th Feb - 18th Feb. - 11th Feb. - 4th Feb. - 28th Jan. - 21st Jan. - 7th Jan. - 24th Dec. IV - MORE >>

Click for more awesomeness

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.

The man realises that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE".

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?" She replies "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"


I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered "No, this is my first time".

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

"Well, come on" she said "We don't have much time". So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and *KAPOWWWWWWWW* I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.




An American guy, visiting China, sees a Chinese guy eating biscuits and jelly at a cafe and decides to have a little fun with him.

He pops a stick of gum into his mouth and sits next to the Chinese guy.

As he's chewing it, he casually says to the Chinese guy "Are those biscuits you're eating? Well in America, we eat our bread without the crust, compact the crust into biscuits and sell it to China". The Chinese guy decides to ignore him and continues to enjoy his meal.

After a while, the American guy, still chewing his gum, says again "Is that jelly you're eating? Well in America, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, compact the peel into jelly and sell it to China".

At this point the Chinese guy was starting to get fed up, so he asked the American "Do you have sex in America?"

The American guy replies "Of course".

The Chinese guy asks again "What do you do with the condoms after they're used?"

The American says "Well, we throw them away of course".

The Chinese guy looks at the American and says "Well in China, we compact the condoms into gum and sell it to America".
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.

After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.

"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning".

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.

"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?" "Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same".


Well dudies that's another update -CAN YOU BELIEVE THE FIRST FOR MARCH ALREADY!!!????- done, dusted and wrapped.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Why you wouldn't be doing this already simply defies belief !
-Next update will be next Thursday. That'll be the 11th for anyone counting along at home. Again, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'LL BE STARING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF MARCH!!!???? Fuck me where has it gone????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make YOU do next weeks update and see how YOU like it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pass the choc. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.