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orsmupdate 2021.06.17-20.54

Welcome to call it extreme, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.

There's not a lot to like about this time of year. It's cold and also cold. I'm talking 6 degrees overnight with 19 degrees during the day. That's Celsius by the way... so 43 and 66 Fahrenheit if you're in a country still incorrectly using the imperial system. I'm not sure where, how or even when it all changed but once upon a time, I was the anti-summer. But let's not talk about the weather... if for no other reason my email is probably already filling up with pics 4.5 metres [15 feet] of snow mountains surrounding people's houses asking "You think it's cold where you are, bro?? LOL".

Gotta hand it to the police this week for destroying the publics trust in them. Last year the state government released an app for everyone to use when entering any public place, building, shop, whatever. You scan a QR code with your phone, it makes a *ting* sound and you go about your biz. The purpose is contact tracing so if there's a COVID outbreak, health authorities can quickly see who's potentially been exposed and contact them; hopefully avoiding a full-blown outbreak. Not without some scepticism, it took a while but most people have gotten behind it... which is good because recording your visit in some way is mandatory anyway. And then this week it was released that the police had accessed that check in data in course of investigating a murder and some other crimes... despite the government having assured everyone it would only be used for COVID contact tracing. A lil bit big brotherish, no? Police state maybe? Cops were unapologetic saying they caught some bad guys so STFU. There's obviously much to unpack and I'm not going to do that except for a couple of things. Firstly, they asked everyone to trust them and then shat all over it. Whatcha going to do next time there's an outbreak and it can't be traced because we all deleted the app? Secondly, it reminded me of the Don't Talk To The Police video. Pretty sure I've posted it before. Its long but well worth a watch/rewatch. In it the professor and cop explain how any info you provide can be misused against you. And finally, it 100% plays into everything all the nutbar, loony bin, full retard conspiracy theorists have been telling us. This is going to give them ammo for years to come!

Alrighty then. Lets smash into this update like it's a block of cheese and you're not lactose intolerant. I'm not ashamed to say this update is utterly magnificent; you'd be hard put to find anything that comes close and whoever put it all together deserves at least a knighthood. Ha oh wait that's me. Check it...

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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said "Excuse me, Miss... about your shirt". She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt". I looked at her, confused and said "That's actually not what I was going to say at all". "Oh..." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee".
My friend asked me what I thought about Internet message boards. I said "I'm all forum".
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded "Found the remote".
A rich man decided to get married and for that purpose he had 3 suitors. As they were all extraordinarily beautiful, the man could not choose and so decided to test the financial capacity of each one. So he gave $ 100,000 each and told them that after a month he wanted to know what they had done with the money. The first suitor spent it all on herself. From hairdressing and make-up, to plastic surgery, she tried to become even more beautiful for him. The second invested everything in him, bought clothes and watches and various gifts to please him. The third invested the money in stocks and doubled it. Then the man thought and thought, and married the one with the biggest tits.


Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk-rock band.

Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting up to start the jam session. All of a sudden, the tuning is drowned out by the obnoxious sound of Joe murdering his cymbals. Dave, annoyed, turns to Joe and says "can you quit it? Your instrument doesn't even require tuning". Joe, miffed, shakes his head quietly and stops.

They begin the song and hit it off immediately, except for one small issue. Joe cannot seem to get in rhythm with the rest of the band, and the tempo is suffering for it. Tommy, annoyed, turns to Joe and says "can you pay attention? It's not that hard to hit a cymbal on key". Joe, quickly losing confidence, shakes his head and adjusts his instrument.

The whole band is playing in tempo and the song is going quite well. Joe gets his solo, and he plays the single note with artistry. Towards the end, the entire song is interrupted by loud sobbing. Rodney, infuriated, turns to a teary-eyed Joe and says "can you stop crying? Your cymbal part isn't even that emotional". Joe, all soul devoid from his eyes, shakes his head and grabs a tissue.

At the end of the rehearsal, their first recording in the bag, the band gathers to reflect on what they've accomplished. Rodney, the established front man of the band, looks at each of them and asks "what additions or suggestions do you have to make the band even better?"

Immediately, both Dave and Tommy chime in.

"Ban Joe".



VAGINA previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>


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Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.

He bought it home and his wife looks at him and says "What are you going to do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 kms of here". He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it!"

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says "He's out there in his tinnie" pointing out to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of paddock sitting in the tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand...

He yells out to him "What are you doing, cob?"

The brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think we are stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse".



CHUBBIES previously: #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - MORE >>

Long ago in the quiet dessert town of Agrabah, lived a benevolent King and his compassionate wife.

For years the couple had no heir to the throne and the King was worried that his Kingdom will be usurped by his brother.

But as God intended, lo and behold, the Queen gets pregnant and despite all complications, finally delivers a baby Boy. The King was elated so much so that he never noticed the frowns that were on his brother's face.

The brother decides that if he is to get the throne, the baby has to die. As not to arouse suspicion, the brother decides it's best to first try separating the baby from the parents. He pays some slaves to put a mysterious valve in the baby water. Nothing bad happens to the baby at the time and soon after the wash the baby is dried and given to his parents.

At this time the baby is named Yusuf. A day later, Yusuf starts getting red spots on his body. They call the court physician. The physician tries all that he can to remove the spots but none of his potions work.

He finally gives up.

The King orders his court to find a remedy to the spots but days past and the spots grow bigger. Finally, as per the plan of the brother, an old lady suggests that Yusuf be bathed in the fabled holy spring of youth.

The old lady insists that she takes Yusuf and will return him three days later. The King and Queen are appalled at the suggestion and reject her offer.

She tells the King that it's the only way to save Yusuf and if they don't trust her then they will witness Yusuf's red spots turn green and he will surely die a few days later. Sure enough, by the next day, Yusuf's spots turned green.

They finally give in to her demands and bid Yusuf farewell. The lady was as kind as she was clever. Instead of following the brother's plan to kidnap and kill Yusuf, she leaves during midnight with her three sons to protect her.

The brother is enraged that his plan was foiled by a common old lady. He takes a hunting party and searches for the old lady.

In a nearby forest, the old lady has now healed Yusuf with the antidote to the potion. She nurses Yusuf and true to her word in three days secretly reaches the King without encountering the brother. The Queen especially is extremely worried and had not had a bite for three days in grief. When she sees Yusuf she can't contain her excitement. She takes him in her arms.

By this time the brother comes and sees what's happening. The old lady spills the beans.

The once patient king loses it and draws his sword to attack the brother. The brother also draws his sword and a duel ensues. They fence each other as they go as they run around and abandon the mother and baby.

The king is winning and finally gets the brother to fall down with a slice to the abdomen. The king returns to Yusuf and takes him from the Queen who is getting weak from starvation. The slaves lead her to the dining hall.

But the brother was not yet dead and was advancing towards the King. The King sets the child down who starts crying. Finally, the King pierces the brother's body killing him for good.

Hearing Yusuf cry, the queen rushes in and takes him.

She yells at the King "How dare you! You took Yusuf away from me, you make him cry, you run around abandoning him while you attack your brother. Is this the life your majesty has imagined for baby Yu?"

The compassionate King consoles her promising never to repeat his mistakes. He takes her hand and says "Never gonna give Yu up. Never gonna let Yu down. Never gonna run around and desert Yu. Never gonna make Yu cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt Yu".



Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for twenty years.

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

Now though there was silence on the air, Ernie silently rereads the message from the Defence Force. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes, the world would be no more.

What was the point of that though? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.

Bert turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. took a deep breath and spoke quietly "With your eyes, Bert".



Previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again".

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".

"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours".

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache".



Previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - MORE >>

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store"., she replies.

"Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in".

They sit down and the friend says "You know Mandy, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one...?"

Mandy thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - it's a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one.

He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Eric says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together...?"

Mandy thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Eric a nice long look. Eric thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Eric came over".

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss".

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle".

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg".

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo" he said "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye" said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"



HAND BRAS previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.

The husband says "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me".

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says "I can deal with that".

He takes off her shirt and shouts "Boy! they are small... but I love you anyway!"

The husband says that he has something to confess also.

She says "No matter what I will still love you".

He says "Okay. I am built like a baby down there".

She says "I can deal with that".

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says "Yeah... 7 lbs, 21 inches".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 06 17

Previously: 10th Jun. - 3rd Jun. - 27th May - 20th May - 13th May - 8th May - 29th Apr. - 22nd Apr. - MORE >>

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Vinnie was almost 29-years-old.

Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Vinnie just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally, a friend asked him "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No" Vinnie replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen" his friend suggested "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Vinnie and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?" Vinnie shrugged his shoulders "Yes I found one just like mum. My mother loved her, they became great friends.

"Excellent!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My dad can't fucking stand her!"


In a tiny village on the coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper final arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:





In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refuelling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio". The man replies "Yes I am".

His wife, a little hard of hearing, yells out of the window "What'd he say?" The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio".

The guy at the next pump then says "I used to date a girl from Ohio. That was the worst sex I ever had".

The woman leans out of the window and yells "What'd he say?" Her husband replies "He thinks he knows you!"


Well, well, well look at me go. Whilst I'm sad that's all there is for today, I'm fucking ecstatic I don't need to go near a computer for a day or two. But if I were, I'd definitely need to know the below information...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. A staggeringly massive archive of everything thats been good on the internet going back to '99.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've been clear on this..?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll misuse your data to prove you're a dick.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a tight butthole. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.