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orsmupdate 2018.11.15-21.25

Welcome to regular or chicken salt?

Has been a very long day/week getting this update together. Two things have happened. 1. I'm bloody thrashed. 3. The effort has paid off - this update is sick in more ways than anyone ever could or ever has possibly imagined. And that's not even overexaggerating or anything. Trust me. Matter of fact its so good that all I'm doing by continuing to talk about it is preventing you guys from the brilliance it contains. Check it...


Motorist: "What would you do if I called you a prick?" Cop, looking up from his ticket pad: "I'd have to arrest you". Motorist: "What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" Cop: "I can't do anything about what you think". Motorist: "Well then, I think you're a prick".
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night. I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when i got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...
I'm thinking about asking my ex-wife to re-marry me. But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine". The Priest said "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby". The little boy replied "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
Her boyfriend was dying. She was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice "There's something I must confess". "Shhh" she said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright". "No, I must die in peace" he said "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker". "I know" she whispered "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes".
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 5 children, begins to call her "mother of five" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six" he would say "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of five, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out "Hey mother of five, I think it's time to go!" The wife seized the moment and shouted back "I'll be right with you - father of three!"
Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married. "What!" shouted the boss. "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?" "Are you nuts?" replied Dexter. "That would have ruined my whole vacation".

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Banged POVAsian Slutty Step Sister Fucked And Creampied - Epic BallsAnnnd That's Why You Never Spit On A Cop - Excellent BodLauren Buys Naked In A Trendy Cabin - Sooo BustedLIFE LESSON #186: If Your Poker Face Is Weak Stay The Fuck Out Of The Side-Chicks Game! Last Time I Saw This Level Of Angst In A Female, I Had To Translate "Yes, Nickles Are So A Currency" Into English For A Sudanese Hooker. - Excellent RideGirlfriend Needs A Ferris Wheel To Get Off - BizarrogasmingThis Girl Is Possessed By The Devil - Car MasturBackseat Rubbing! - Sexy NippleChiara Ferrangi Areola Slip In Tight Dress - Fit GirlsFit Girls. As The Name Says, It's All About Girls With Great, Fit Bodies! Sometimes Not Wearing Any Clothes - Just How We Like It.

Want Gangbang?Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Pleasurable..?This Deep Throating Asian Chick Likes It Rough - Thanks ViceOnce Again Vice Scrapes The Barrel To Bring Us A Story That Did Not Need To Be Told. - Sex Ed VidYour Kid Asking About Sex? Don't Show Them This! - 100% NOPE4 Sexual Experiences You Never Want To Have - SizzlingNatasha Oakley And Devin Brugman - No Fucking Idea Who They Are But It Should Be Criminal How Good They Look In Bikini's. - Round TownPhun.org Does Butts The Right Way! Number #157 - Fine As FuckBusty Babe Cristina Miller May Be Dressed Like An Angel But When She Takes Her Clothes Off She Becomes A Lustful Sinner! I Know Which Version I Prefer But What About You? - ExposingBlanca Blanco On The Streets With No Bra And A Sheer Top

Public BoningBusty German Student Gets Fucked In The Ass - Teen AislinPetite Teen Aislin Fingers & Fills Her Shaved Wet Pussy Until She Cums Hard - Going For ItYou Will Not Believe What She Sticks Up Her Ass - Ha FrenchiesDude Fucks A Girl In A Guillotine, Then Cuts Her Head Off As He Cums - 0 FuxThe Art Of Not Giving A Fuck - Hotter NowParis Hilton Is Old As Fuck Now But She’s Looking Good, Because All These Women Can Scam Aging For A Bit Via Injections And Fake Tits. - LMAOInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Too PhunnyPhun's Funny Pictures Dump DCCXXX - Spanked RawDude Beats That Ass Red In The Toilet Stall Haha! - Lezzing It

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts" she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a cot like that for only $67.50".
One morning a couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..." The husband says "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite". Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favourite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets...?" The husband again refuses "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra". Around dinner time, the wife tries again "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls". The husband still refuses "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite". The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!"
I told my girlfriend to stick my coke up her arse so I could smuggle it through airport customs. I didn't realise you could actually buy one in the departure lounge.


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Morgan is driving past the Mental Hospital when his right rear tyre suffers a flat. While he is changing the tyre, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a taxi when he hears a shout from behind the hospital guardrail, where one of the patients has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, mate! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tyres on until you can get to a garage or something".

Morgan is amazed by the patient's seeming rationality, but he understands the plan will work, and installs the spare tyre without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid".



Girls delivering VAGINA SLIPS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Edgar drank his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that Edgar took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, Edgar told his wife Naomi; "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".

Naomi said: "Yes, Edgar, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife".

Naomi said; "Oh honey, that's very nice".

The next day, Naomi ran into one of Edgar's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, Edgar said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Naomi?"

She replied "Yep, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


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A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The Australian snapped his gum and said "You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied "Of course".

The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand".

The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence. The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwi replied "Of course".

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said "We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam... and sell them to New Zealand".

The Kiwi then asked "Do you have sex in Australia?" The Australian smiled and said "Why of course we do". The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course" says the Aussie.

"We don't" says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"



Previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A woman takes her miniature Schnauzer puppy to the vet, because she's concerned about its hearing. The vet checks it out and tells her that the puppy's hearing is fine, it just has an excess amount of fur in its ears. He tells her to stop at the pharmacy and get some hair remover and once a month, put a small amount of remover on a cotton swab, dab it on its ear and wipe the excess hair away.

On the way home, she stops at the pharmacy and finds some hair remover. She takes it to the pharmacy counter to check out and the pharmacist tells her "if you use this on your legs, don't wear stockings for a week". She tells him "it's not for my legs". The pharmacist reply's "then if you use it on your underarms, wear sleeveless blouses for a week" She reply's "it's not for my underarms, it's for my Schnauzer ". "oh, ok" he reply's " in that case, I recommend you don't ride your bike for a week".




My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.

The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun-dress; all the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and around the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Sydney Airport.

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"So I'm licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm turning into my mother.'"
--Sarah Silverman

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes SL500".
--Lynn Lavner

"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people".
--Chelsea Handler

"You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it".
--Tina Fey

"If God's got anything better than sex to offer, he's certainly keeping it to himself".

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married".
--George Burns

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation".
--Lily Tomlin

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant".
--Margaret Cho

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects".
--Les Dawson

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship".
--Sharon Stone

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time".
--Robin Williams

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'".
--Woody Allen

"Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken".
--Isabel Allende

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life".
--Emo Philips

"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you".
--Dorothy Parker

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps".
--Tiger Woods

"Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping".
--Lisa Lampanelli

"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that it's work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me".
--Amy Schumer

"The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping".
--Joan Rivers

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch".
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is".
--Barbara Bush

"Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that's the same half that say they are happy with their jobs".
--Melanie White

"You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither".
--Steve Martin

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet".
--Robin Williams

"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add".
--Fran Liebowitz

"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?"
--Laura Kightlinger

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful".
--Robert De Niro

"Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply".
--Phil Proctor

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less".
--Brendan Behan

"Our cat sleeps between us. We call her the Tiny Chaperone".
--Emily Claire Tamblyn

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"I asked my wife 'On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said 'You know I'm no good at fractions'".
--Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn't be able to please her. So she said 'Get off me'".
--Garry Shandling

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind".
--Nora Ephron

"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called me from a motel".
--Scotty Record

"My sex life is very bad. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all".
--Henny Youngman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time".
--Robin Williams

"In Germany police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually, the gun isn't for the sex, it's to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle".
--Jay Leno

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope".
--George Burns

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom".
--Joan Rivers

"Wilt Chamberlain had sex with 10,000 women, but how many of them did he truly love? I would say 3,000 at most".
--Sean O'Connor

"I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution they're going to grow up and never know what 'dirty' means".
--Lily Tomlin

"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere".
--Mae West

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy".
--Steve Martin

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit".
--Tracey Ullman

"Before casual sex, it's best not to mention to your partner that you might want to do a little tweeting afterward".
--Greg Tamblyn

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading".
--Emo Philips

"Women fake orgasms and men fake finances".
--Suze Orman

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom".
--Joan Rivers

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same".
--Oscar Wilde

"The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty".
--Woody Allen

"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand".
--Mae West



Previously on Orsm: VEINY BREASTS #3 - VEINY BREASTS #2 - VEINY BREASTS #1 - MORE >>

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee" said one.

"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee".

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going" said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings" said one woman cheerfully "thankfully, we can all still drive".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 11 15

OLDER SHITE: 8th November - 1st November - 25th October - 18th October - 11th October - 4th October - MORE >>

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A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation.

He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself. She said "I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer". He replied "Yes, ma'am, I hear that a lot".

He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing - that he looked like Conway Twitty.

At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed "Conway Twitty!" The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said "Hello, darling!"



Previously on Orsm: LEGGINGS #2 - LEGGINGS #1 - MORE >>

Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.






-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives or punch yourself in the face repeatedly.
-Next update will be next Thursday... FIFTH last for the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will frame you for a terroistic rampage in Melbourne. He's done it before and won't hesitate to do it again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and redacted. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.