Welcome to there's a hole in your budget, dear Labor, dear Labor... there's a hole in your budget...
You gotta hand it to the Libs. I've made an effort to absorb no more of the election campaign than was absolutely necessary but the 'hole in your budget' ad has been unavoidable. It's been thrashed over and over and over again on radio (yes, fuck you, I still listen to radio) and wherever else, to the point, and I hate to admit, I/you can't help but sing along to it. I hope whoever made that ad got fucking rich because annoying literally an entire population so deeply is something most of us will never manage to achieve. Check out the actually-pretty-entertaining remix here. And after you're done doing that feel free to slide into my update. Check it...
I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. "Oh, I'm so excited for Saturday! I'm going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert... front row!" Flabbergasted, I replied "What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs... and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!" Cheerfully, she replied "Oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!"
Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter says "Sisters, we're so backed up that we're giving new arrivals a quiz. If you answer a question correctly, you can go on in, but if you get it wrong, you'll have to wait a while". The nuns nod in agreement and St. Peter faces the first nun. "What was the name of the first man on Earth?" he asks. The nun smiles. "Adam, of course". "Go on in" St. Peter replies. Then he turns to the second nun "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?" The second nun lets out a relieved sigh "Eve". "Go on in" St. Peter replies, then turns to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The third nun frowns. "Oh, that's hard". "Go on in" St. Peter replies.
When I was young, I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions. Me: "Grandpa, why does is it rain?" Grandpa: "Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty". Me: "Also why do animals die?" Grandpa: "Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think that's it for today?" Me: "One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school today!" Grandpa: "Sometimes son, mama likes them fried". I had a tough time explaining to my gf that instead of donating money, we should throw some fried chicken in our backyard to support Australia.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Collingwood".
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one". The brunette says "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home". *POOF!* The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too". *POOF!* The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers "I wish my friends were still here".
An airliner hit severe turbulence and was tossed about like a leaf in a gale. A young female passenger wailed "We are all going to die and I'm still a girl. Right now, I need a man to make me feel like a real woman before I go!" Many of the men just looked away but one guy stood up and peeled off his shirt to reveal bulging biceps, perfect pecs and a six-pack to die for. "Lady, I'm your man, but the question is, are you woman enough for me?" "Yes" she replied "Yes, yes, YES!" So, the guy threw her his shirt, told her to give it a good wash and to make sure she ironed it properly.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling" she replied "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek".
A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife; a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam" he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400". "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord" he sobbed.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar. "Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?" "You're a cunt" I said. "What makes you say that?" he asked. I said "That's my beer you're drinking".
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cab driver "Wanna make a $100?" The cab driver says "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cab driver has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cab driver goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open and the cab driver is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cab driver opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cab driver "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cab driver replied "I KNOW, IT'S MINE! I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"
A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.
Apart from being a very good magician specialising in sleight of hand and 'look over there while I do this over here' type tricks, he was also known for being a womaniser who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them.
Every time he would finish a performance, he would walk off stage and select one of the many women who were waiting for him, went up to his suite, had his way, and they would leave. His manager would always wait outside the suite for the women, escort them down, and have the sign a nondisclosure agreement.
Being as egotistical as he was, the magician never cared whether they were satisfied as long as he was so the manager usually had to wait only 10-15 minutes.
Unfortunately, as he grew older, it not only became harder for him to perform on stage but also in the bedroom.
Eventually, he found the solution to his problem - Viagra. He would take a Viagra at the beginning of his show, it would get his blood pumping enough to enter goes him during the show, and, by the end, he would be ready to bed his nightly groupie.
But as time went on, he developed a tolerance for the medication. He would have to rush through his show just so he could stay hard for the 10 minutes he needed after. Sex sessions were starting to become photo finishes with him going limp immediately upon completion.
One night, he started his routine. Took a little blue pill and then took the stage. His blood was pumping and he was energised enough to get through the bare minimum of his show. He would show the audience something in his right hand and make it appear in his left hand. But, because he was phoning it in that night, the audience left less than fulfilled, but he didn't care because it was time for him to find a lady.
Once he was done, he ran and grabbed the first broad he saw, and dragged her up to his room, and started to rip her clothes off. Not a minute later, the manager hears the door open and the women walks out looking less satisfied than usual. The manager escorts the woman down, has her sign the NDA, and the woman says "I don't know why I have to sign this; we didn't even have sex".
Puzzled by this statement, the manager got in the elevator and heads back up to the magician's suite. He knocks on the door and asks "What happened to you tonight? First you rush through your show and now that woman said you two didn't even have sex!" The magician, feeling the effects of his old age, could not even look his manager in the eyes. "Tonight" he said "I used the same method to disappoint my audience as I did my groupie".
The manager said "What on earth does that mean?" The magician shamefully replied "Missed erection".
Previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Jim just started a class on logic.
On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a 'surprise', he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students *will not know* which day the quiz will be ahead of time, so they should be prepared for anything. The students have class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week.
Jim is pretty bright, and he thinks about what the Professor said *logically*, since it is a Logic class after all, if the quiz is held on the following Friday, then on Thursday, wouldn't they know that the quiz would have to be on Friday, if they hadn't had it yet? And then wouldn't that contradict what the Professor had said about it being a surprise? So, *logically*, the quiz cannot be next Friday.
And then, if Friday is ruled out, what about Wednesday? If the quiz isn't held on Monday, then on Tuesday, the only possibilities for the quiz would be Wednesday and Friday, and since he just deduced that Friday is impossible, then *logically* the quiz can't be held on Wednesday, since that would be the only possible option and therefore Wednesday wouldn't be a surprise.
So, if Friday and Wednesday are impossible, then that would leave only Monday. But if Monday is the only possibility, that would make it not a surprise, so another contradiction.
Therefore, Jim reasons that the Professor has made a logically impossible statement. The quiz can't be held on any of the days next week and it still be a surprise. Confident that he has seen through the Professor's tricks, he parties all weekend. And, much to his surprise, the quiz is held on Wednesday.
Previously: #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - MORE >>
A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away.
Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.
As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty-year-old looking mother.
Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the young man gets bolder and starts a flirtatious conversation with her. The mother, who noticed this, gives a stern look at her daughter and the young man. Not wanting to appear too bold and cocky in front of his boss, the young man quietens to the disappointment of the girl.
An hour later, the train enters a tunnel, resulting in no visibility inside the train compartment. All four of them hear the sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
As the train comes out the tunnel, all four have sheepish looks on their faces.
The girl is thinking "I am so glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my mother hadn't slapped him".
The mother is thinking "How dare the guy kiss my daughter? Glad that she slapped him. Serves him right".
The boss is thinking "The guy was indeed very bold to kiss that girl. But I wish the mother had not accidentally slapped me instead of him".
The guy is thinking "This is the luckiest day of my life. I get to kiss a pretty girl and slap my boss at the same time!"
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I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire.
I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.
"Hey there, mate, whatcha cookin' there?" I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think".
The officer widened his eyes "Oh, ya can't be eatin' those! Seagulls are protected, ya know?" I frowned "Come on, there are so many, why would they be protected?" "Yeah well, that's the law. I'll letya off this time because ya didn't know, but don't be doin' it again, okay mate?"
I pinched off a crispy piece of the carcass, and popped it in my mouth. "Won't happen again".
He gave me a friendly but stern nod, and started walking away.
After a few steps he stopped, and turned halfway. "By the way, just out of curiosity... how does it taste?" I rolled the meat around in my mouth and thought for a moment "Bit like Peregrine falcon".
Previously: #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - MORE >>
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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million-dollar annual salary".
The guy says "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall". The guy says "I don't care what you offer me, it aint worth it". The boss says "I'll give you a five-million-dollar salary and build you a mansion".
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife "Bring me a hammer". She mumbles "Get the hammer. Get the hammer" and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says "Get me some nails". She mumbles "Get the nails. Get the nails" and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells "Fuck!" She mumbles "Get the bag. Get the bag".
Previously: #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - MORE >>
A drunk was sitting at a bus stop one afternoon watching a young man walking up to attractive ladies and propositioning them.
As the young man comes near the drunk, he hears the guy say "Tickle your ass with a feather?" to the chick sitting in front of him.
When the girl turns to the guy with an incredulous look on her face and asks "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" The guy says "Typically nasty weather". The woman thinks she misheard him and turns back to her newspaper.
After watching the guy do this for a while the drunk motions him over and slurs" Hey buddy, whaddya doin'?" The young guy says "If you want to pick up chicks, you walk up to them and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' and if the chick says yes then you're in for an exciting evening. But if she says no, then you say "Typically nasty weather" and she thinks she just misheard what you said and no harm is done".
The drunk thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it out.
He spots the most beautiful woman on the bus, walks up to her and says "Wanna fuck?!" The chick turns around, slaps his face, and says "WHAT did you say?!" to which the drunk replies "Looks like rain!"
Hitler hires a new cook.
Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.
On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected except adding just one pea in the food and adding a drop of citrus in the water.
The next day he does the same with the exception of increasing the pea ratio in the food and more citrus to the water.
Likewise, every day pea and citrus ratios are bumped up slightly.
This cycle goes on gradually for a while till one day he is called personally by Hitler for a chat.
"The diet you are providing is working wonders. It is different from before but can't say what it is?" The cook calmly states "Fuhrer as a matter of fact it is. You see I have studied under the best of teachers, taken feedback from your associates and done my best to gradually introduce you to this change in philosophy". Hitler asks "Philosophy? And what is this philosophy?"
The chef clears his throat and states "In order to lead a healthy and prosperous life one must learn to accept the peas and embrace the juice".
FESTIVALS BABES previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No" the patient says "I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says "Here is a Viagra tablet". The patient says "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!" "It doesn't" said the dentist and continued "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth".
Previously: 12th May - 5th May - 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - 24th Mar. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific".
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it".
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, saying "Anybody got a match?"
An American man gets married to a British woman.
Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation".
After the big night the father asks his son: "So how was it?" Son: "Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation". Father: "Good!"
Son: "Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation". Father: "Yeah!"
Son: "And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation". Father: "Very Good! And then what did you do?"
Son: "I jacked off in front of her". Father: "What? Why would you do that for?" Son: "To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"
Previously: KATRINA - MAXINE - VERA - ELIZABETH - MATHEA - CHERRY - VALYA - MORE >>
A private and his platoon are stationed out in Laos.
They settle around an open campfire in the marsh after completing their daily duties. The private turns to his superior and asserts confidently "You're about to enjoy a marshmallow more delightful than any you've tried before!"
He then proceeds to remove his lower right boot, affixes it to the end of a sturdy skewer, and pokes the lace through the marshmallow.
"The infusion of rubber and leather give it an exquisite flavour you won't soon forget!". The captain, sceptical of this assertion, takes a bite from the roasted marshmallow. He turns to his subordinate "something tastes off..".
The private, believing this to be a fluke, removes his other boot and roasts another marshmallow. He then takes a bite, and concedes in the poor, off taste. Neglecting that he had splashed through toxic, chemical waste earlier in the day, his entire platoon passes out within the hour due to release of toxic aroma into the surrounding air.
The following morning, a nearby squadron arrives at the scene to observe an entire platoon, lying flat and unconscious around the campfire, with a pair of boots at the centre. Making light of the scene, a soldier snidely remarks "Looks like a Laos-y day at marsh mellow bootcamp".
Well, I'm exceptionally glad that's over. It's been an exceptionally busy week, I got an exceptional amount of stuff done, which put me exceptionally behind schedule, but pulled exceptionally hard today to not only meet deadline, but deliver an exceptional update. Its really quite... remarkable.
-Follow me on Facebook. One of these days I'm going to surprise EVERYONE and update it LOL.
-Check out the archives. You really should; I say it for your benefit not mine.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and I'm not going to mention this again for atleast another week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll rig the election and put Clive in power.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.