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orsmupdate 2022.01.20-13.56

Welcome to did someone order 140 pounds of upper body strength?

Starting to feel a lot like summer; I guess heatwaves will do that though. And its because of this heatwave I've busted my chops to get the update done, dusted and up early. Admittedly, hiding in the aircon has been a big contributor here. Plus, its not like I have to devote a whollllle bunch of words telling you how great this update is - that's a given. Don't even want to spend time telling anyone why *I* am right and *YOU* are wrong - pretty sure everyone knew that already too. So I say we just get TF on with it... check it...

Two friends, Sam and Terry, are spending the day together. As they are walking home down an empty street, they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets. As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry. "Here's the 20 I owe you".
With the shortage of lateral flow rests available the government are going to introduce a new 1-minute self-diagnostic process. You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your arse. After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference ISOLATE.
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says "We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years". "I'll take the lawyer's heart" says the patient. "Why?" asks the doctor. The patient replies "It's never been used".
Bored with being stuck at home, I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics. "Crap!"
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbour replies "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick bastards out there!"
Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes. Three years passed. One of the snail friends said "He still hasn't returned, we might as well drink his beer". Suddenly a voice from the door yelled "If you touch my beer, I won't be buying you guys any chewing gum!"
My gorgeous next-door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?" I said "Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red". After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" She said "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous".
I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram. He said "Venn?" I said "As soon as you can".
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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Getting used to dating since I became blind has been a bit of a struggle, but these last few weeks I've been getting to know a girl called Laura. Even though I can't see her, her descriptions of her long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes allowed me to paint a vivid picture in my mind. Last night we finally decided to take the relationship to the next level. I was in heaven as she slipped her lips around my cock, imagining the vision of a blonde beauty hungrily sucking me off. Expertly she pulled away from me before slowly sliding my length into the tightest pussy I've ever felt. Instinctively, I pulled away in disgust. "No blonde has a pussy that tight" I said accusingly. "You lying, ginger bitch".
I found it really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend. Every time I told her I couldn't see her any more, she moved a bit closer and said "How about now, is that any better?"
I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday, and I asked him if he knew where the word "Kung fu" came from. Grandad said "My old school playground". So I asked "how is that, then?" And grandad said "During school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed "Wot Kung fu dat?"
I hate it when women complain that men only want them for sex. Its not our fault they are fucking useless at everything else.


A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.

He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady's man and a known track record of bedding more than his share of fair damsels. Now our future groom went to his friend the ladies' man seeking advice so not to disappoint his bride on their special night.

The ladies' man said "Since you've helped out in the past, here's what I'll do. On your wedding night push the bed next to the open window. I'll hide in the bushes outside. When you have a question or problem, whisper it out the window, I'll whisper the answer back, and you can take care of business.

So on the wedding night, groom pushed the bed next to the window while his new wife was in the bathroom getting ready for her new husband.

When she came out she jumped into bed and pulled the covers up around her neck, since she had no sexual experience either and was very nervous.

Now the husband went into the bathroom to prepare. While he was in there, his bride realised suddenly she had to take a crap. But she couldn't go into the bathroom without her husband seeing her. Then she remembered the box her new shoes came in. So she took a dump into the shoe box. Suddenly she heard the bathroom door start to open so she shoved the box under the bed. But, she pushed it so hard it went under the bed and out the other side.

The husband turned off the light and as he felt his way across the room, he stepped right into the shoe box.

He turned on the light, looked down and shouted "there's shit in this box!" A little voice from outside the window whispered "Turn her over!"





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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so".

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous s- of course I have never taken alcohol myself!"

"Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life". "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know".

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks" then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that nun again is it?"



Previously on Orsm: DRESSING GOWN HOTNESS #1 - MORE >>

A man was driving down the motorway when he was overtaken by a three-legged chicken.

He was flabbergasted, so he accelerated and overtook the chicken but despite doing over 70 km/h, the chicken passed him again!

"Right" he said to himself "I am going to catch it".

Soon he was exceeding 100 km/h but still couldn't keep up with it.

The chicken turned off at the next junction and headed down a single lane road with the man tearing after it.

After a couple of miles, the chicken headed down a farm track with the man desperately trying to keep it in his sight. He saw it in the distance heading into a shed next to a farmhouse. The farmer was standing outside his front door.

The driver slammed on his brakes, skidded to a halt, got out and called out to the farmer.

"You won't believe this, but a three-legged chicken that was doing over 100 km/h has just run into your shed!" The farmer took off his bonnet, scratched his head and said "I know, it's one of ours, we breed three legged chickens".

Confused, the driver said "Why would you want to breed three legged chickens?" "Well, it's like this - there is only my daughter, my wife and myself living here now and we all love chicken legs".

"Really" enquired the driver "So what do they taste like?" The farmer answered "No idea, I haven't been able to catch one!"



A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends.

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us". She grabs her daughter's purse, rifles through it for a moment, and pulls out a lighter. "Wow" she says. "Looks like my Beth has been smoking cigarettes behind my back".

Her curiosity piqued, the redhead pulls her daughter's purse onto her lap, digs through the items and reveals a bottle opener. "For crying out loud" she blurts, disappointed. "Sue has been drinking, just like her good for nothing daddy!"

The blonde mother, feeling obliged to follow suit, picks up her daughter's purse, thrusts her hand in and fishes out a box of condoms. "Oh my God" she utters with a blank expression followed by a breathless pause. "Debbie has a penis!"



Previously on Orsm: CAR HEAD #2 - CAR HEAD #1 - MORE >>

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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, nurses are known to be hot to trot.

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, telephone operators have sexy voices.

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, Poor guy, teachers are frigid.

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'".

Then, the telephone operators husband calls and sourly says "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'".

Later that afternoon, the teachers husband calls and happily says "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right'".




An Irishman was drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy!"

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born". The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says "Had him circumcised".

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There was a man who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world". The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat".



Previously: NURSES #9 - NURSES #8 - NURSES #7 - NURSES #6 - NURSES #5 - NURSES #4 - NURSES #3 - MORE >>

A company of soldiers were route-stepping through a valley, when a Marine appeared up on top of a nearby hill and said: "You Army guys fight like girls!"

The Army captain said: "First Squad, get up there and teach that Marine a lesson".

Ten soldiers go charging up the hill and disappear over the top. Sounds of fighting are heard, then the Marine appears, straightens his tie, and yells down to the soldiers "Come on now, don't any of you pussies know how to fight?"

So the captain orders the rest of First Platoon up the hill. Forty soldiers charge up and drop out of sight on the other side.

Again, serious sounds of fighting, and then the Marine appears again, brushes some dust off his uniform, and proceeds to insult the soldiers.

So the captain says: "Okay, Second and Third Platoons, go get that SOB!"

Just then, a ragged soldier appears at the top of the hill and yells "Go back, Captain, it's a trap! There are TWO of them".


RANDOM SHITE 2022 01 20

Previously: 13th Jan. - 23rd Dec. IV & III & II & I - 16th Dec. - 9th Dec. - 2nd Dec. - 25th Nov. - 18th Nov. - MORE >>

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One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her anything.

Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was now or never, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant.

When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll". The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks "So sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99".

The man can't help himself and asks "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?" "Well sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture..."


The Town Council meeting was coming to an end when Edna Jones made her point under Any Other Business...

"I have to say Mr. Chairman that I have been worried for some time now about the men present grasping sugar lumps to put in their tea provided at the beginning and end of our meetings. I am aware that these men tend to use the toilet and leave without washing their hands and this, quite frankly, makes me fearful of the health hazard to us all".

The Chairman recognised that she was making a valid point but did not know what practical action could be taken.

Mrs Jones responded "We lady councillors have discussed the problem and the solution is relatively cheap and simple - I propose that we purchase a pair of sugar tongs".

The motion was seconded and passed.

At the beginning of the next meeting Mrs. Jones spoke again on the subject.

"Mr. Chairman, at our last meeting it was decided that a pair of sugar tongs be purchased but I did not see them when we were having tea a few minutes ago; where are they?" The chairman looked around the chamber for an answer and one of the men responded "They are hanging up in the men's toilets".




A Polish farmer is tilling his field.

It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp.

He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble Polish farmer "Thank you for awakening me. I had been trapped for over a thousand years and as a reward I shall give you three wishes".

The farmer of course is shocked by this and asks the genie to prove what he claims. With the snap of a finger from the genie, all of the farmer's fields are ploughed and planted and with another snap it's back to normal. The polish farmer is very excited and thinks of all the wonderful things this genie could do to improve his life and the lives of his people.

After thinking for a few days, the farmer tells the genie "I finally know what my wishes shall be". "Great!" Says the genie.

"First, I wish China to invade Poland!" exclaims the farmer. Perplexed, the genie asks "But this is Poland, is it not?" "Yes" replies the farmer "And I wish that China would invade". "... okay".

The genie snaps his finger. Days later sirens are heard all over the country and planes black out the sky as they carpet bomb the country. Refugees are pouring through the country roads looking for food and shelter and a place to bury their dead children and loved ones. The polish farmer is smiling ear to ear and snickering as he helps these poor people any way he can.

"Well, what is your second wish?" "I wish Poland to be invaded by China!" shouts the farmer through his laughter. "That wish has already happened, what is your second wish?" said the genie, slightly annoyed.

"That *IS* my second wish" laughed the farmer. "Very well, your wish is my command". And the genie snaps his fingers.

Again, a few days later, the sirens that still stand are heard throughout the country. Chinese soldiers and war machines quickly and surgically sweep through the country, burning and destroying the rest of the metropolitan areas. Again, though fewer, refugees clog the country roads looking for food and shelter. This time the Polish farmer is crying from laughter and helps these people any way he can.

The genie reappears, though visibly worried by this farmer. Anxious to be done with this man, he says "What be your third wish?" Laughing the farmer says "I wish China to invade Poland!"

"I mean I always heard you people up north were a little nuts but this is insane. Why not rebuild the damage done? Or wealth for your country to rebuild or food for the starving people?" "Nope! I wish China to invade Poland!"

"As you have said, so shall it be done". And the genie snaps his fingers.

Days later, the last siren near the man's farm is warning what few people left of the invasion. The Chinese forces come by plane, boat, and armoured vehicles destroying what little left there is and even burning the farmer's fields before they leave.

The farmer is rolling on the ground, laughing uncontrollably, hardly able to breathe. The genie can't figure out why this man wanted such terror brought upon his own people so he asks the farmer "Sir, our contract has expired and I am returning home, but first, I have to asks, why do you hate Poland so much?"

The man stops laughing and his face becomes very serious as he barks "How dare you?! I love Poland more than my own family and life itself. I love my country more than any other person to have existed!"

Confused the genie asks "Then why did you wish for China to invade Poland three times?"

The farmers face lights up and his uncontrollable laughter resumes. Between gasps he tells the genie "Because, they had to go through Russia first!"


Well dudes that is 2 updates down for the year. There's a good chance I'm a little off here but in about 4 weeks Orsm will mark its 1000th update. That absolutely blows my mind to be honest. Whether or not I'll find a way to celebrate this milestone is undecided. Guess I'll see if the world has ended by then given our borders will finally be open for the first time since COVID began.

-Follow me on Facebook.
-Check out the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.