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orsmupdate 2021.09.16-21.00

Welcome to figure out before you freak out.

Phew. This was starting to feel like the update that would never end... or is that begin? As far as weeks go, this one was less interrupted than the last couple but for whatever reason, no matter how sore my butt is from spending forever sitting in front on the computer, it just wasn't happening. Could be worse though - at least I'm not trans. There have been a couple of highlights along the way thankfully but none more than stumbling upon this protest on Saturday. Actually, I say protest, they were making a lot of noise and genuinely seemed to care about animals or stuff, but seeing a bunch of topless chicks standing in the street just doesn't happen to me often enough. TLDR; street tits.

Alright so anyway - this update is packed to the whatever is very packed. There's a century of vids, countless pics and... look... just go experience it for yourselves. It's better that way I promise. Check it...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says "I can get the peanut out". He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be". The father says "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law".
I took four tyres to a friend's car boot sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure" he said "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $20 each" I said, and left. When I returned, my tyres were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Twenty bucks each". "Who bought them?" "I did!"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says "He's in Heaven". Mary answers "He's in my heart". Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well" Little Johnny says "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Farmers Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried-and-true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. "Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!"
A woman walks into a bar, and guy asks "Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure" said the woman. After a few moments of conversing, she finally asked "So what's your occupation?" He says "I'm a carpenter". "To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with wood". "First, I get you hammered. Next, I nail you. Then, I screw all your friends".
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realised what he had done and said "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home". A voice from the back of the room replied "There's a bloody calendar behind you..."
I went to a pharmacy and asked what they could suggest to get rid if my wrinkles. They told me to eat more Big Macs.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly". The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns". "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful" he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up!!
My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day. I said "I'm working on it" and she smiled. Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.


A morbidly obese man visits his doctor.

"Doc" he says "I can't stand being this fat anymore. Please help me". "Alright, let's get to work" replies the doctor.

After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up losing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loose skin, so he goes back to the doctor.

"Doc" he says "thanks for helping me with the weight loss. I feel great. But what do I do with all this saggy skin?" "Well it would take extensive plastic surgery to rectify. But in the meantime, why don't you just gather it all up, pile it on top of your head and wear a hat to conceal it?" "That's a great idea!"

So he does just that, and leaves the office.

Feeling confident, he enters a coffee shop for a cup of joe. After placing his order, he can't help but notice the barista staring at him with a puzzled expression. "Something the matter?" he asks her. "Well... what is that hole in the middle of your forehead" she asks. "My bellybutton! How do you like my tie?"





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Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?" "Yes" said the old man "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens".

"Very interesting" said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times" answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards".

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question" he said. "Were you a carpenter?" "Why yes" replied the old man. "Yes I was".

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said "Dad?" The old man rubbed his eyes and said "Pinocchio?"



Previously on Orsm: PANTIES #5 - PANTIES #4 - PANTIES #3 - PANTIES #2 - PANTIES #1 - MORE >>

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps Of The World, And The Sounds They Make".

Intrigued, he walks into the store.

He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.

The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home, he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert!

He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him "I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" he says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is" says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

"You've got it on the B-side!"



A man is casually crossing the plains when his horse died suddenly.

The nearest town was three days walk. So, he started to walk.

Three days later he ends up in this quiet 'ol town but nobody had a horse for sale. So, he commenced to walking to the closest town which was a two days journey.

Unfortunately, nobody in that town had a horse for sale, however, he did come across this stable where the fellow runnin' it mentioned his brother in a nearby town had a horse for sale.

He commenced to walk to this next town and 2 DAYS LATER found the guy's brother.

"I talked to your brother two days walk from here and he says you might have a horse to sell me". "Yes I do have a horse for sale" He replied "But he don't look so good". "I don't care. I'll take him anyway. I've been walking for damn near a week now. I'm tired and I need a horse".

So he gets on the horse and the horse takes off and bumps into a tree and stops.

"Hey, something's wrong with this horse. I think he's blind. YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE MISTER!" "I told you, sir, THE HORSE DON'T LOOK SO GOOD!"



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A man is sent to prison for a long stretch.

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in.

His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells "Number 45!" Another round of laughter ripples through the cell block. The man is perplexed and finally asks his cell mate "What is up with people shouting out numbers? Why is that funny?"

His cell mate responds "This whole block is full of guys doing 20 to life. We have all heard each other's jokes so many times we know them by heart. In fact, we know them so well we have them numbered. So to tell a joke, a guy just calls out the number and we all know what it is".

"Wow, that is crazy" the man responds. "Can I try one?" "Go ahead, new blood".

So he calls out "Number 17!" Crickets. No one laughs at all.

"What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" he asks his cell mate quietly. His cell mate responds "I don't know, man. Some guys got it. Some guys don't".



Previously on Orsm: SERIOUS NIPPLES #2 - SERIOUS NIPPLES #1 - MORE >>

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company.

His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first R & D, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure.

Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.

Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign - a billboard.

As they drove to the site, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails".

The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.

One week later the son again exclaimed that he was finished and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails".

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A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

"Don't you get on any more?" "Oh, I still love him" she replied "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore". "Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the solicitor suggested.

The wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband made a move on her.

"Not so fast" she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom". "Well, then" he said. "Here's $50".

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on" he said, grabbing her hand. "Let's make it five times in the kitchen!"



BEACH BUTTS previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - MORE >>

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all".

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30".

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 09 16

Previously: 9th Sept. - 2nd Sept. - 26th Aug. - 19th Aug. - 12th Aug. - 5th Aug. - 29th Jul. - 22nd Jul. - MORE >>

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A woman, who has a pet parrot, also has a problem with her pipes, so she calls a plumber.

While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she leaves, the plumber arrives and knocks on the door. From inside, he hears "Who is it?" He replies" It's the plumber".

He waits a few minutes for the door to open and when it does not, he knocks a bit harder. He hears "Who is it?" "It's the plumber" he yells.

More time passes without the door opening.

Really angry now, he bangs on the door with all his might, only to hear "Who is it?" At the top of his lungs, he yells "IT'S THE FUCKING PLUMBER!"

Still no one comes to the door.

Completely enraged, the plumber attacks the door, breaking it open.

As he crosses the threshold, he has a heart attack and drops dead. A few minutes later, the woman returns. Upon seeing the body lying there, she gasps and says "Who is it?" And the parrot says "It's the plumber".


There was this priest who loved to fly-fish; it was an obsession of his.

So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly-fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson". God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"





A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said "I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors".

He calls a sailor over and says "Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up".

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says "That, gentlemen, is courage".

The American says "That's nothing".

He calls over a PO and says "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return".

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says "That, gentlemen, is courage".

The British admiral says "That's nothing. Sailor, come here".

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says "I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again".

The matelot looks at the admiral and says "You can fuck right off, sir!"

The admiral turns to the other two and says "And THAT, gentlemen, is courage".


Well everyone THAT is absolutely THAT. Except this...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'm back from a FB ban too so I may even update it soon.
-Check out the archives. You don't even know what you aren't not missing.
-Next update will be next Thursday because I literally never let you guys down (except the times I've let you down).
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll proest topless outside your work. Trust me - you don't wanna see my tits.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.