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orsmupdate 2023.03.23-17.45

Welcome to people danced in the streets and hugged one another. There were fireworks.


I'm honestly so fucking tired that it’s some sort of low-level miracle the update has actually happened. Admittedly you could say that for a lot of things. I'm not going to write a list or anything... just take my word for it that you could. Yeah? Good. In other news, there isn’t much other news... which is probably a good thing. And it does make me wonder if my brain tiredness is a factor in there being no news. As in, there is but I can't think of anything significant that's happened/happening right now. And with that accumulation of words, we shall dive into this deliciously brand-new update. Check it...

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. Frustrated with her irrationality, he finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife, feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "$150" he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription" he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish" he explained "but one of the old golfers favourites is: NEVER UP, NEVER IN". "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!" The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without side effects. I have to warn you though, it's only been tested in the lab and I need you to sign a waiver". The man says "That sounds perfect!" He signs the waiver and takes the drug. Monday morning comes and the same man waddles into the pharmacy with his pants down to his ankles. His penis is bright red and looks like chopped meat. He asks the pharmacist if he has any pain relief cream. The pharmacist motions to the man's penis and asks "Is it for... that?" The man says "No. The girls cancelled on me at the last minute and now my shoulders are killing me".
I had a friend over to my house and he told me he could hear my garbage can chattering away. He asked me if I knew what it was saying? I told him I did not know, as I never listen to trash-talk.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Mary goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Mary tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong". She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him. He says to her: "You remember when I lost my job some years ago?" "Yes". "You were by my side". "Yes". "And when our son died in a car crash?" "Yes". "You were by my side". "Yes". "And now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side". "Yes". "You know what?" "No". "I think you bring me bad luck".
A drunk was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4 AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him. One cop asked "Where are you going at this time of night?" "I'm going to a lecture". "A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!" "About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex bring to a marriage. The negative impacts of all this on the central and peripheral nervous system. The dangers of a live without God in your heart..." One of the policemen stops him: "Okay, okay, we get it. But who's giving such a lecture at this time of night?!" "My wife, as soon as I get home!"
My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went round today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine. Fingers crossed he won't notice they're gone.
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are discussing Jock's wedding. "Ach it's all going well, I've got everything organised, I've even bought a kilt to be married in". Archie says "That's braw, what's the tartan?" Jock says "I'd imagine she'll be in white"
A man and a woman go to a restaurant for their third date. The restaurant has a nice feeling to it and the food looks absolutely delicious. A waiter comes and asks "Does the nice couple want anything to drink?" The woman says "I'll have a water". And the man does too. "That will be $3 for a glass half empty and $6 for a glass half full" says the waiter. The man is absolutely baffled by the price "You make us pay THAT MUCH a glass of water?!" The woman says to the man: "Babe, look at it from the positive side!" The man just wasted 6 dollars.

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During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France. He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "Okay" says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airbase in England". The Germans think this is an odd request, but they can't see anything particularly wrong with it so they agree. The following week, the infection has spread to his right leg and they decide they have to amputate that too. The airman makes the same request for the amputated limb to be dropped over his base and they agree. By the third week, the infection has spread to the unlucky airman's left arm, and they announce they have to take it off too. The man again asks the Germans to drop it over his base but, this time, they refuse. "Nien, zis ve cannot do". "Why?" asks the airman, confused. "Ve zink you are trying to escape!"
I asked 100 women what shampoo they would prefer to use while taking a shower. They all replied "How did you get in here?"
A travelling salesman knocks on a house door and a 9-year-old boy with a glass of brandy in one hand and a fat cigar in the other answers. "Hello little boy, are your mum and dad in?" asks the salesman. "What the fuck do you think?" replied the boy.


A child crashes his bike in front of a church.

The priest see's this and brings the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church.

In the middle of the night, he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning, he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".

A few years later the same child now a teenager is skateboarding by the same church. He crashes and has another concussion. The same priest brings him in and has him spend the night. In the middle of the night, he hears the same blood curling scream.

The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".

A few more years go by and the child now in college is driving by the same church when he crashes his car. Again, he has a concussion. Again, the priest brings him into the church and has him spend the night. Again, in the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream.

The next morning, he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".

After this the young man is upset and needs to know what the sound is. So he quits college and goes on to become a priest.

He then returns to the church he approaches the priest and says "Father, I have taken my oath and I am one with the church can you please tell me what that blood curling scream is?"

The priest reaches into his robes and pulls out a red key. He tells the young man to go to basement and unlock the door.

So, he goes there, unlocks the red door and sees a red hallway, goes down it to see a red staircase and at the bottom is a blue door. So, he goes back up the red stairs, the red hallway to the priest and says "Father, there is a blue door".

The priest gives him a blue key.

The young man goes back down the red hallway, down the red stairs to the blue door, he opens it and sees a blue hallway. He goes down the blue hallway, he sees blue stairs down them, he sees a green door.

So, he goes back up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway, up the red stairs, down the red hallway. He tells the priest "Father, there is a green door.

So, the priest pulls out a green key.

The young man goes back down the red hallway, down the red stairs, down the blue hallway, down the blue stairs and opens the green door. He sees a gold hallway and goes down it and he sees a gold staircase and goes down it, he sees a gold door. So he goes back up the gold stairs, down the gold hallway, up the green stairs, down the green hallway, up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway, up the red stairs, down the red hallway and back to the priest.

He says "Father, there is a gold door".

The priest pulls out a gold key and hands it to the young man.

Before he leaves this time, he asks "Father, are there anymore doors after the gold one?" The priest Replies "No my son, once through that door you will have the answer to your question".

So, for the last time the young man goes down to the basement, through the red door, down the red hallway, down the red stairs, through the blue door, down the blue hallway, down the blue stairs, through the green door, down the green hallway, down the green stairs, through the green door, down the gold hallway, down the gold stairs, and finally to the gold door.

He puts the key in, turns it, pushes the door open, and you know what he sees...?

Sorry! Can't tell you - you're not a priest.


Previously on Orsm: BEACH HEAD #2 - BEACH HEAD - MORE >>


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A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM!

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time" he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there" slurs the stranger "can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's 3 AM. I was in bed asleep!" says the man before slamming the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost!?"

"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband. "It doesn't matter" says the wife "he needs our help and it's the Christian thing to help him!"

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out "Yeah please".

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts "Where are you?" And the stranger replies "Over here... on the swing".


Previously on Orsm: BUTT PLUGS #2 - BUTT PLUGS #1 - MORE >>



A church needed a new bell ringer.

The friar puts a sign outside that said 'BELL RINGER WANTED - TRYOUTS SATURDAY MORNING'.

Saturday morning rolls around and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell.

A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man and an average sized man.

The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.

The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing.

The friar said that they'll have to keep looking.

The frail man could barely pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully and managed to *ting* the bell.

The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.

The average sized man refused the hammer.

Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar's eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.

Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man's body.

Collectively, they said "Who is he, Friar? What happened?"

The friar shook his head sadly and said "I don't know, but his face rings a bell".

BUT... it isn't over because they still needed a bell ringer!

So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said "Friar, you don't know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I'd be honoured if you'd let me ring the bell today in his honour".

The friar nodded and led the man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.

With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high-quality ringing tone.

Unfortunately though, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.

Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one "Who is he, Friar? What happened?"

The friar looked at them all in turn and said "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".


Previously on Orsm: SKINNY DIPPING #2 - SKINNY DIPPING #1 - MORE >>

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Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.

When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.

"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"

"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"

"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"

Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.

"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".

The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"

"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".

"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"

Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.

"Only ewes can present florist fliers".

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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up".

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again "Are you Mohammed?" "Why, no" he answers "I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still".

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus, the Christ... you will find Mohammed higher up".

"Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man!" Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?" Obama says "Yes please"! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and says "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"


RANDOM SHITE 2023 03 23

Previously: 16th Mar. - 2nd Mar. - 23rd Feb. - 16th Feb. - 9th Feb. - 2nd Feb. - 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - MORE >>

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Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the flight engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

She turned to the First Officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor".

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me".


Previously on Orsm: OVERALLS ARE BACK #1 - MORE >>

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Well, if you're wondering how we got here then I have no answer. Might I suggest the Orsm Archives though?

-Follow me on Facebook. *NOW* would be a good time to do that.
-Check out the archives. Also *NOW* would be a good time to do that.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Prolly...................... just jokes - it will.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring my friend Ray back............... just jokes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.