Welcome to upon request, I can also perform a hug.
I'm having one of those 'accidentally knock a water bottle over and drench the keyboard thus preventing the update from getting done until I go buy a new one' kind of days. Also, is it just me or have the price of peripherals gone through the roof? Yeah, I'm not fucking stupid - I know everything everywhere is going / has gone up but the last keyboard I bought was 3 years ago; its superseded now, similar spec, same manufacturer, about $50 cheaper. Checked the mice price too. Cheapest I can find the exact same one I bought mid-2020 is $55 dearer. I'm not sure who exactly I can blame for this but I imagine its somewhere between China and Vladimir. Hopefully they've tuned in for this brand-spanking new, totally fucking sweet, wholly wholesome update. Check it...
An Englishman and a Aussie are in a bar at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Aussie to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets $100". So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Englishman is awoken by the Aussie bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"
A guy is out for a walk on a nice summers" day. As he is walking down a country lane, a horse puts his head over the fence and says "I won the Grand National last year". He assumes he is hearing things, and continues on. The horse catches up with him, sticks its head over the fence, and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year". Assuming he is affected by the warm day, he walks a little faster. The horse catches him up and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year". As always in gags like this, the guy goes to the farmhouse and sees the farmer. "Do you know you have a talking horse in your field?" he says. " Oh yeah" says the farmer mockingly "What's he being saying to you?" "He told me he won the Grand National last year". The farmer says "He's a bloody liar, he came second".
Two magistrates were stopped and arrested for cycling home from the pub while drunk. They decided to hear each other's cases, so as to keep the penalties to the minimum. The first magistrate heard the second's case, and said "You know you shouldn't have done it, but as this is your first offence, I'll let you off with a caution" and then adjourned for lunch. When the second magistrate heard the first one's case, he fined his friend $1000. The first magistrate was furious and said "Why did you do that? I let you off with a caution". The second magistrate said "I had to make an example of you. This is the second case of drunk driving whilst in charge of a bicycle this court has heard today".
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000' for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest'". "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'". "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger'".
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter, a crate of champagne. By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time. After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall". "I'm sorry, too" replied the other "because I put all of mine into your target".
An airline starts a new concept of having a chef on board the plane. This demanding passenger walks up the aisle and tells the hostess "Let me get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Let me get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove". The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man "The chef said you can kiss his arse. Not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects". On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil and wrote "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without
equipment?" The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote "I'm drowning, you moron!"
I remember as a kid, my father got sacked from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home the signs were all there.
A guy has been drinking in the pub and decides to go to the gents. He's standing at the urinals beside a large coloured man and couldn't help noticing the size of his manhood. The white guy asked him how he got one that big. The coloured guy said it stemmed from his childhood where every male member of the tribe had a heavy rock tied to the end of it from the age of 5 until they were 21. The white guy said he would try that idea. About a month later the white guy was back in that pub and saw the black chap again who asked him how he was getting on. The white guy said "Well I took your idea and tied a rock to my willy and I'm half way there now" The black guy said "How do you mean you are half way there?" The white guy said "Well, it's turned black"
I just lost my job as a landscape gardener. They said I was a little rough around the hedges.
An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied "That's a bird of paradise". The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said "Long way from home, isn't it?"
The Pope had become seriously ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him.
Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.
The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal.
The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree, but under four conditions". The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room went silent. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".
After much debate, the cardinals agreed. "Yes, we will find you a blind girl".
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex". Cardinals: "Okay, fine, we will find you a blind, deaf girl". What else?
"Third, she must be mute so that if she still figures out with whom she is having sex, she will not be able to tell anyone". The cardinals deliberated again and replied "Fine, it won't be easy but we want you to live, so we will find you a blind, deaf, dumb girl. What is your fourth condition?"
The Pope replied "Massive tits".
SHAVEN HAVENS previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
There was once a Japanese man named Fuk.
Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.
Tragedy struck however, upon finishing his daily bottle Fuk succumbed to alcohol poisoning, leaving behind his vast supply of drink and a not unreasonable amount of money.
Being a man with little time for family, he had no wife or children to whom his inheritance would go and only his little old mother and two brothers attended the funeral. To make matters worse, he had left no will, as he had died so suddenly. Of course, this caused confusion, and one day the brothers met to decide what should be done.
One brother began the conversation.
"So, you are aware that on his passing Fuk left behind all of his drink?" "Yes, and I think I would very much like that. Take the money if you wish, I do not need it".
At this, the first brother scoffed.
"I was going to say the same, brother. How are we to settle this?"
And the second proposed an idea. Since they were both men of the mind so to speak, they decided to play a game of chess to make the choice of who received the coveted sake. They sat down, and began to play.
Their mother arrived, and seeing the two brothers in such a frenzy of competition, she spoke.
"Boys, what is going on?" The first brother looks over, saying "A competition mother".
She waits and watches as the brothers make their moves in silence.
Eventually, she strikes up the nerve to speak again. "Why must you compete so, right after the death of your brother? Have you no shame?" The second brother turns his head, ripping his eyes away from the game for a precious second "We are vying for what we may inherit, mother, now please be silent and allow us our thoughts".
The brothers continued to play, getting more and more stressed. Beads of sweat fell down the face of each, backs hunched towards the board, eyes locked to the pieces in confrontation. Eventually, the game is nearly won, and both are in a position to take the other.
Their mother pipes up a third time, just as the first brother is about to move "What are you even competing for; that is so important you must fight so?"
The first brother's hand slips, misplacing his queen, and the second brother cries out in triumph, putting his king in checkmate.
The first brother turns, and stares at her "For fuks sake mother!"
Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - MORE >>
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this" he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead". "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest".
The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys" he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" they said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive". "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience".
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it". He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "Yeah...?" "Well I fucking didn't!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
I have a son who's on the spectrum. It's quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was molluscs. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he'd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He'd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually, he doesn't want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he'd sit there rattling off facts about molluscs for hours.
This was shaping up to be a long-term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed.
Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I've never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell. I don't want to get too into the gross details but I'm a dude, a once 18-year-old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don't clean it. I'm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of 'fleshlight' for a long, long time without cleaning it.
I'm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you'd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help.
So it's been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it's been incredibly promising so far. He's really starting to come out of his shell.
Previously: MUMS #7 - MUMS #6 - MUMS #5 - MUMS #4 - MUMS #3 - MUMS #2 - MUMS #1 - MORE >>
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There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.
He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the leftover parts', but the sheep farmer yelled "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious. We call them 'sheep fries'".
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
Previously on Orsm: TONGUE OUT #3 - TONGUE OUT #2 - TONGUE OUT - MORE >>
A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.
The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area - people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encourage responsible drinking.
The owner decides that she is going to introduce an exchange system. She decides that any patron of her bar will be able to leave an unfinished drink at a designated spot on the counter, and if they can currently spare it, they will give the customer a free small food item in place of the unfinished drink.
They test out the system at the bar, and overall, it's a resounding success! The one issue that is brought up is that people want to be able to choose their food items rather than having the bar choose for them. The bar owner decides to address this by giving her bartenders authority over deciding if someone can request a certain item or not, and that it can depend on how much is left in their drink so that the system does not get taken advantage of.
Around that time, a group of friends is visiting the bar. They are having a great time, drinking, laughing, and even doing a little bit of singing.
The time comes for the group to head out, and one of the members has a bit of whiskey left in his glass. He knows that if he finishes that last bit, he's going to regret it in the morning. He gets ready to just leave it on the table and head out when one of his friends stops him and tells him about the exchange system.
The bar is known to have the most amazing fried onion around. Though small, it's perfectly dark golden brown with a glistening thick texture that breaks perfectly into your mouth with a satisfying crispness on each bite.
The man decides he is going to request that fried onion in exchange for what is left in his glass. It's not a lot of whiskey, but it's at least a few sips worth.
The group watches as he walks up to the bar and leaves his glass at the designated spot on the counter for exchanges. They watch as the bartender on duty walks over and begins a conversation. They can immediately tell by the body language it's not going as planned. The conversation ends as the man tries to find out just how much whiskey he would have needed to be able to obtain that amazing fried onion.
He returns to his group empty-handed to inform them of the result.
"Well" he says to his friends with a sigh "It was worth a shot".
An elderly Expat and his Thai wife are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure".
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it". "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness' sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment "Where's my fucking toast?"
Previously: #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - MORE >>
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up, she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
Previously: 23rd Jun. - 16th Jun. - 9th Jun. - 2nd Jun. - 26th May - 19th May - 12th May - 5th May - 28th Apr. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.
The first horse says "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my arse, I sprang forward and before I realised, I fished the race 1st".
The second horse says "No way, the same thing happened to me! I was taking my time at the race I was like 17th or 18th not trying at all. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st. "
The third horse says "OMG! the same thing happened to me! I was taking my time at the race I was last not giving a shit at all. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st".
Then the dog says "I can't believe it! the same thing happened to me! I was at the race and the other dogs were chasing that fake bunny, but I know it's fake, so I don't care and I was last. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st".
The first horse says "HOLY SHIT GUYS! LOOK AT THAT! A talking dog!"
Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants.
The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly sold them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub.
After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's bee keeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest.
Said and done they pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk.
Funnily enough the 3 people participating ended up being the Baker, Bee keeper and the Barman.
They all brought one lucky charm each. The Baker brought a delicious cinnamon bun he had on a plate, the Bee Keeper brought his last living bee and was holding it in his hand the entire time, and the Barman of course brought a pint of beer.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice. The Baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen. The Bee Keeper, still holding his bee created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise. The Barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the Barman had the most complex there was no doubt, that beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.
Previously: CATHERINE - JOY - LOUISE - ZOYA - LOVE - GRETTA - KATRINA - MAXINE - VERA - MORE >>
An old man goes to Heaven and sitting at the reception desk is Jesus, who calls the man forward.
He says "Old man, welcome to Heaven. I have to take some details - could you please tell me your name?" The old man says "My name is Joseph". And Jesus says "Well there's a coincidence, when I was on earth my father's name was Joseph.
And the old man says "Well I had a little boy, you know, he'd be about your age by now". And Jesus says "Well how extraordinary... I left home when I was quite young".
And the old man says "Yes, my little boy left home when he was young. He went away with his friends, they got involved in magic and other mystical stuff".
And Jesus says "Another coincidence - how extraordinary, that's exactly what happened to me. Tell me, what was your job when you were back on Earth?" The old man says "I was a carpenter".
Jesus says "Well, that's an amazing coincidence, that was my father's job too... you don't think that you and I could be..."
Then old man says "No you see, my little boy was not born like ordinary boys". Jesus says "That's how it was with me".
The old man says "Look, I would know my little boy anywhere, you see he has these little holes in his hands and feet". Jesus says: "You mean like THIS!?" as he holds up his hands.
And the old man says "I can't believe it". Jesus says "You must believe it - so many coincidences, you must be my Earthly father Joseph". And the old man says "And you must be my little boy - Pinocchio!"
Well folks that is update done AND dusted. How bout dah?
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're everything you ever wanted... plus quite a lot you didn’t know you did. So there's that.
-Next update will be next Thursday. On the off chance its not, that means something has happened. I can't imagine what that might be but only fair that I warn everyone.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll punch off your dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.