Welcome to those good old fashioned values.
If I write more than a line or two here the update is going to be even later than it already is. Now that obviously wont bother you if you're not anxiously awaiting it to splashdown and peruse at your leisure any other time but... I've given this bad arse motherfucking update some serious effort this week. Come to think of it I've worked every night for at least the past two weeks. Okay not just on THIS update but that's not the damn point. The point is this update is awesome. And you should spend some time going through every bit of it - you will not be disappointed. Then you should tell your mates, your fam, literally everyone about it. Anything less would just be uncivilised. Check it...
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend said to her mum "Mum, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mum says "Okay honey, you kids have fun". When they are in the room, the mum hears "Baby baby baby oh!" The mum walks to the door and ask "What the hell is going on?" The girl says "Mum were just having sex". And the mum says "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber".
The wife was holding our twin baby boys. "Ouch!" she said "He's pinching my chin" "Which one?" I asked. "Jack" she answered. What a weird bitch I thought. She's got names for her chins.
What is the difference between garbanzo bean and chick pea? No one pays $50 to have garbanzo bean on their face.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realised that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his lifelong friend, and says "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed". "We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this 'we' crap, Paleface?"
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude" she advised. "You should always wear something". "Yes, mother" replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of" she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed".
A woman gets on a bus, carrying a baby. The bus driver says "Lady that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, I mean it is UUUGGGLLYY!" The woman gets very upset and goes to the rear of the bus and sits beside an old man. She begins to tell him that she is mad at the driver and she thinks that she'll just go up and give him a piece of her mind. The old man says "You go right ahead, and if you want, I'll hold your monkey while you're gone".
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother".
A couple were invited to a costume party but had no costume. The guy says " I still have my khakis from when I was in the service. You wear the shirt and I'll wear the pants. We'll be an upper and lower GI".
I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. WARNING: Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
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One of my chef mates found a lump, and then had one of his testicles removed. That's how serious he is about mashed potato.
Two women were having coffee, when one said "I used to call my ex 'Superman' when we were in bed". The second commented "How flattering!" to which the first replied "Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet".
I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a crumbed sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power!"
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".
A gambler was called in to the Tax Office to explain where his money came from. He arrived with his lawyer and told the tax man he was a gambler and got all his considerable income from gambling. The tax man was not convinced so the gambler said "Let me give you an example".
The gambler then said "I will bet you $10 I can bite my eye" after moving his mouth round a bit the tax man took the bet.
The gambler took out his glass eye and bit it.
Then said " I bet you another $10 I can bite my other eye" He can't have 2 glass eyes thought the tax man so he took the bet.
The gambler then took out his false teeth and bit his other eye.
The gambler then said " I will give you a chance to get your money back and make some more "I will put $30 on the desk with your 20 to make it up to 50 you don't have to put up any more. If I can do what I propose I get the $50. If not you get it, no wait I will make it 80 to bring it up to 100!"
"You have quite a long desk so I bet you I can piss over your desk into the rubbish basket at the other end and if I get as much as one drop on the desk you win".
The tax man thought 'I have nothing to lose as he already has my $20' so he took the bet.
The gambler carefully positioned the rubbish basket then went to the other end of the desk pulled out his dick and strained to the utmost but he couldn't reach the basket.
"Okay" said the gambler "You win. The 100 is yours".
With a laugh and a big smile on his face the tax man picked up the money and said "Yeah I knew you couldn't do it!"
Then he looked up and saw the lawyer sitting with his head in his hands.
The tax man said "What's wrong with you?" The lawyer said "Before we came in here he bet me $500 he could piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it".
Previously: BRIDES #7 - BRIDES #6 - BRIDES #5 - BRIDES #4 - BRIDES #3 - BRIDES #2 - BRIDES #1 - MORE >>
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3" says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and every day the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says "One more beer please".
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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house".
"My goodness gracious" said the cashier "And will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously "I think so. As long as those wankers at Boral deliver the fucking bricks on time!"
Previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.
You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five-minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods "I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma - do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
Previously: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - MORE >>
An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again.
Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I".
What suburb?" she inquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing..." she says excitedly "... so am I
"What street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable...!! " she says, her voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20" he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this..." she screams "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A woman stopped by at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
Neighbours say they heard a gunshot...
Previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A ninety-year-old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done".
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied "When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty kangaroo, plenty fish, women did all the work, medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex".
Then the elder leaned back and smiled "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that".
OLDER SHITE: February 14th - February 7th - 31st January - 24th January - 17th January - 10th January - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.
The cannibal chief says to them "If you pass the tribal test, we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit.
"So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten".
The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples".
CHANGING ROOM SELFIES previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
One day a thirteen-year-old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" He replies "Yes I'd like a girl for the night". She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls".
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you upstairs".
The boy says "But she's got to have Herpes with active sores". The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says "Okay, she'll be ready for you in about 15 mins".
So, he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. A half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face and still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes sores?" "Well, it's like this" he says "When I get home today, I fuck the babysitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home, my dad will drive her home and on the way, they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home my mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about noon, when dad has gone to work, the mailman will come around, fuck my mother and he'll get it. AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there regularly or sporadically. It depends on time and enthusiasm.
-Check out the archives. Because I said so. Derrr.
-Next update will be next Thursday. The official last day of summer noooooooo. ☹️
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will send you his turd selfies. His diet is incredibly high volume and incredibly high fat so the turds are loose, explosive and alarmingly frequent.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't piss in the pool. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.