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orsmupdate 2021.10.21-19.56

Welcome to you're only as good as your last fart.

Two. That's how many fuckwits have mouthed off at me this week. Straight off the bat let me declare there's been times I've either deserved a mouthing off. I'm hesitant to do the same these days because it almost never makes a difference + I'd rather just move on and save my energy for literally anything else.

So the other day I was out for a cycle. At one point we crossed a highway, got on to the SHARED path and stopped over to the left-hand side for a quick chat. The path has 2 lanes. It's a good 3 metres wide and we were the only ones on it. Then out of nowhere comes some absolute knob jockey swearing at us as he goes by for blocking the path. Apparently HIS path. Let's keep in mind here 1) we weren't blocking a fucking thing 2) he literally had to move over maybe half a meter to go around us 3) wearing lycra doesn't make you special 4) it's a shared path! But nope, here's an arrogant wanker more worried about what his Strava buddies will think about his segment time than not being a piece of shit. Rarely do you hope another cyclist gets nailed by a car but there you go...

Next was a coupla days later. I was happily cycling along on when I saw some old bint on the path ahead chatting to her friend. She was holding her dog on a leash and standing in the middle of the entire thing; no way past. I slow down, ring my bell, she moves slightly, I say "thank you" because I'm polite AF and... she snaps something about her dog having right of way. Seriously? Can't just take two steps and smile back? Rarely do you hope an old lady does a hip but there you go...

And you know, there's probably a good chance she's encountered fuckwits like the guy above and now by default just hates anyone on a bike. Maybe she used to be like me and not just automatically hate everyone trying to do some exercise. Guess we'll never know but my point is try not to be a cunt.

On that note, lets get busy with a stunningly stunning brand-new update. It's got literally everything you could possibly hope for and oh-so-much more! Check it...

To the prick who stole my trainers and hi-vis jacket... you can run but you can't hide.
One day a tiny Apache Indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Tepee. "Sitting Bull" he asked "why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well" says Sitting Bull "Its simple. Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, his father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
I got pissed up and smashed up the cleaning products aisle of the supermarket. The police are trying to work out whether to charge me with a bleach of the peace or domestos violence.
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal". The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six". Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs". The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs. Little Jonny replies "Last night I was passing my parents room and my daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light. I want to eat that thing'".
A woman in a diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favourite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
Little Suzy was in the garden playing with her cute little bunny-wunny, watching daddy do some gardening when she got a bit inquisitive about life. "Daddy? What is going to happen if my bunny gets sick and dies?" "Well Suzy, when bunny dies we'll have to bury her somewhere in the garden to remember her". Not wishing to cause the little girl any undue heartbreak he continued. "Don't worry though, when she's gone and we bury her you can invite some friends round to say goodbye to her and maybe have a little party to celebrate her life, and you can have jelly and ice cream and chocolate if you want?" Suzy: "Great, can we kill the little fucker now?"
I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow, dressing as a clown, wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my arse, and a tin of Dulux. In the bank the goat's gonna suck me off, and I'll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words "Big fat piss flaps!" Once I get the cash, I'm gonna shit on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock! Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!
I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said "Go on then... try". After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday".
A husband and wife lying in bed last night. The husband noticed the wife with a girly book. "What's that shit you're reading now?" he asked. "It's Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars!" "What bullshit!" he replied "You're more likely from Mars than me!" "Why's that then?" "I've been probing you for fucking years and there's still no sign of life!!"
Two attractive women see two striking young men standing at a bar. They make conversation saying how the men look similar. The men say "We're triplets". The girls say "You look so alike but there's only two of you?" The two men say "Yeah, I'm Matt, he's Pat and our triplet Tat is in the men's room". When Tat comes out to the bar, the girls laugh and say "How is he your triplet? He's much shorter and looks nothing like you two?" Matt says "Well, there was a tit for Pat" and Pat says "there was a tit for Matt" and they both say "but there was no tit for Tat..."
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said "I bet I know what your favourite festival is?" He replied: "Have to love Easter, baby".
A constable of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour area. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied "In that case you must be what's passing through".

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The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Joe" he said "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four months later, you were promoted to Vice Chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks" said Joe. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not" Joe said "Thanks, Dad".
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Everyday my 90-year-old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife. And every day I have to tell that 90-year-old man his wife has been long dead. You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house. But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500M in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after IKEA for years, but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.


Juan was a simple man who lived in a small rural town with his family consisting of himself, his wife, his daughter and his son.

Juan had three rules for his family that he enforced strictly. Those three rules were: no drugs, no smoking and no swearing. Juan's family was all too happy to follow these rules, and as a result, Juan had a perfect family. Because of these rules, Juan's family never fought or bickered or lied or hurt each other.

One day, Juan's neighbour got curious as to how Juan kept such a perfect family, and he wanted his own family to be as perfect. Juan's neighbour asked Juan how he kept such a perfect family, and Juan said "How about you come over to dinner with us tonight? We'll cook you up a lovely meal and I'll share my rules with you".

Juan's neighbour came over that evening and enjoyed a delicious feast, and when they were done, Juan pulled his neighbour aside and explained to him "I have three rules for my family: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing. As a result, I have a perfect family" Juan's neighbour thought that this was genius, and ran home to tell his family about it.

Within a month, Juan's neighbour had a family just as perfect as his own.

The Mayor of Juan's city took notice of the two perfect families in Juan's relatively small neighbourhood, and decided that he needed to learn a thing or two from this man in order to help win the next election. The Mayor took a visit to Juan's house and knocked on his door. Upon answering the door, the Mayor asked to be invited inside to talk with Juan. Juan put the kettle on and pulled up a couple chairs for them to sit on. After making small talk, the Mayor went ahead and asked Juan about his family. Juan enjoyed a hearty laugh before looking to the Mayor with a smile on his face, and explained to him "That's an easy one Mr. Mayor, because you see I have three rules for my family: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing". The Mayor loved the sound of these rules, and ran back to his office to draft up his new campaign promises involving these rules.

The Mayor won by a landslide, implemented the new rules to Juan's city, and within the week Juan's city was perfect. There were no more holes in the roads, tourism was at an all-time high, and all of the residents were genuinely happy and they all began opening their own successful small businesses.

Soon enough the President of Juan's country took notice of the perfect city, and realised that if he could possibly scale up the city's policies to a national level, he might be able to remedy many of the country's issues. The President scheduled a meeting with the Mayor and flew down to meet him.

Upon asking the Mayor about his policies, however, the Mayor said "Oh no no, I'm not the one you should be asking about that. Let me introduce you to my friend Juan; they're his rules, and he'll tell you all about them". The Mayor gave the President directions to Juan's place, and the President set off in his limo.

The President arrived, walked up to Juan's front door flanked by his security detail, and knocked on Juan's door. Upon Juan answering the door, the President began speaking "Juan, I'll keep this short and sweet; I'm looking to make some fundamental changes to this country, and I was told that you could provide me with some valuable insight". Juan was confounded by the presence of the President on his front doorstep, but he began to explain "well actually, it's three simple rules I have for my family. My three rules are: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing". A slow smile stretched across the president's face as he exclaimed "Brilliant, Mr. Juan, I'll make you a national hero yet".

The President immediately jumped back on his plane, flew back to his office, and started drafting up his new laws. The three new laws were passed without objection, and the country became perfect within a day. Industry was booming, international relations all turned positive, the economy reached an all-time high and unemployment reached an all-time low.

At this time, all of the surrounding countries began getting very curious, and very hungry for a piece of the fortune enjoyed by Juan's country. Very soon international spies began reporting back to their respective countries about what they'd found, and all the surrounding countries began implementing Juan's three rules for their own gain, and the positive changes were visible almost immediately. In only hours after Juan's three rules came to international attention, the world became perfect. There was no more poverty, no more hunger, no more war and disease, and no more sadness. Juan was elected as the new one world leader for his impeccable reasoning after a unanimous vote, and all of the past world leaders were more than happy to step down for Juan.

The world lived in complete peace and harmony for many years, but after a while people began realising that they really missed drugs, smoking and swearing.

Gradually, a small underground resistance group was formed against Juan and his leadership, and they began scheming on how to take him out. Eventually a plan was conceived, and was put into action several days later. In the middle of the night, several of the resistance fighters broke into Juan's house, kidnapped him, and loaded him onto their helicopter. They then proceeded to fly out into the desert, where they tied him up to a cactus, and shot him dead with a golf gun.

What's a golf gun you ask? Well, I'm not entirely sure but it definitely put a hole in Juan.



SHAVEN HAVENS previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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Two friends meet in the street.

One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand".

"That's not bad".

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninety thousand".

"I'd like that".

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million".

"How you look so glum?"

"This week nothing!"



Previously: #33 - #32 - #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - MORE >>

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said "I forgot my teeth". The man said "No problem". He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these" he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose" he said.

The man then said "I have another pair - try these".

The speaker tried them and responded "Too tight".

The man was not taken back at all. He then said "I have one more pair. Try them".

The speaker said "They fit perfectly". With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist". The man replied "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker".



A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen".

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

By then it was 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

Come 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back".

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night".



Previously on Orsm: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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This is when you instantly become an expert on everything known to mankind. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

This is when you realise that you are the BEST-LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST-LOOKING person in the world.

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words...



Previously on Orsm: UNDERBOOB #4 - UNDERBOOB #3 - UNDERBOOB #2 - UNDERBOOB #1 - MORE >>

A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of hundies. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

Two days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back! It smells awfully bad when I use the brakes".

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 110 mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the tachometer climbs higher.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says. "SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!"

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A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a pub called the 'George and the Dragon'.

Although it's late and the pub is closed, he knocks on the door. The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The down and out says "okay then might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

"... might I please have a word with George?"



Previously on Orsm: SURFERS #5 - SURFERS #4 - SURFERS #3 - SURFERS #2 - SURFERS #1 - MORE >>

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Wooo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.

Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

I hate that wanker Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the fucking Weather Channel.

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.


RANDOM SHITE 2021 10 21

Previously: 14th Oct. - 7th Oct. - 30th Sept. - 23rd Sept. - 16th Sept. - 9th Sept. - 2nd Sept. - 26th Aug. - MORE >>

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Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said "I think it's WOOMB".

The second replied "No, it must be WOOOOMBH".

The third said "You both have it wrong - it's WOOM".

The fourth stated "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB".

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it". Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

He held her hand and said "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then..." he sighed "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box".




A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini".

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains" the deputy continued "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these" the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope" he replied. "I can't do it".

"In that case" said the deputy "you're under arrest".


Well folks thats a full lid on another update; the 41st for the year! And whilst that tidbit isn't overly significant, the following info most likely is...

-Follow me on Facebook. I'll post some shit one of these days...
-Check out the archives and the approaching 1000 Orsm updates that live there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. K?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise no pocket money for 2 weeks!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.