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Welcome to stop saying "100%" to agree with someone.
Loving all this Coronavirus/COVID-19/whatever stuff going on. Seems to be all anyone is talking about... if you ever watch the news, listen to talkback radio or go on FB that is. I'm not sure how it's affecting other countries but the big thing in Australia at the moment is people stocking up on toilet paper. You know, just in case they end up quarantined... for a virus that hasn’t actually had an outbreak here... for a product that is manufactured in Australia... and will still be available even if cargo ships were to stop coming here. My only real question is are they stocking up on anything else or is it just bog rolls? Honestly, if the shit hit the pan, I'd find a way to overcome the lack of a soft 3-ply to wipe my butthole clean but I'd lose my fucking mind if I couldn’t get coffee beans or kewpie mayo, siracha and don't even get me fucking started on super-crunchy peanut butter. Oh crap. Time to hit the grocery store. 100%. Meanwhile here's a fucking brilliant example of an update. Check it...
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".
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Paddy and Mick go down to the welfare centre, looking for disability benefit, walking in they see a big sign saying "Benefit Interviews Today For The Deaf". Wanting easy money, they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" Paddy does, and the interviewer says "You're not deaf at all. Get out! Get out of my sight!" Paddy leaves the office and tells Mick in the corridor whatever you do don't shut the door, Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" and Mick replies "Shut it your fuckin self!"
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Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat bastard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".
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My girlfriend went on and on for ages accusing me of acting like a flamingo. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.
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Little Suzy was absent from school for a few days, and when she returned, she said to the teacher "I had the flu Miss, and mum wouldn't let me go to school because she said it's catching". "That was good of her" said teacher "but the correct word to use is 'contagious'. Now, who can make a sentence using that word?" "Me! Me! Miss!" shouted Johnny. "Well, okay Johnny" said teacher, with some misgivings. "Last weekend I went for a ride with my dad and we saw a truck that had spilled a load of watermelons on the road, and dad said, 'gee, it'll take that poor contagious to pick up all those watermelons'"
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There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".
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A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".
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A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true, mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
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A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman. He climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No... it's burning my arse!"
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Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"
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A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"
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Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."
ORSM VIDEO
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his arse!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his arse. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's arse too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!
ALL SHE EVER DOES IS SHOP! ... BUT THAT'S OKAY 🥰 |
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Previously on Orsm: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
ORSM VIDEO
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".
The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".
NO LESS THAN 30 EXQUISITE girls GETTING READY TO GO OUT |
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GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT previously: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"
PERVING ON MUMS - YOU KNOW YOU DO IT! |
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Previously on Orsm: MUMS #5 - MUMS #4 - MUMS #3 - MUMS #2 - MUMS #1 - MORE >>
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ORSM VIDEO
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".
HONESTLY THANK GOD NAKED SELFIES ARE A THING. IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE THEY DIDN'T HAPPEN..? 😇 |
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Previously: #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - MORE >>
A man just moved into a new neighbourhood. Excited to meet the neighbours, he cooked up some of his best spicy chili, packed it and went out to get acquainted with most adjacent occupant.
As he rang the bell, a cute middle-aged woman answered the door.
Neville smiled and said "Hi! I've just moved into the neighbourhood and I've taken a place right next door". Leaning on the opened door, she returned his smile and welcomed him to the neighbourhood and thanked him for his kind token.
"The name's Neville" he said "rhymes with Devil, so you don't forget!" he continued, with a wink and then hurried off home.
The next day, the woman prepared some cool lemonade and walked over to Neville's house and rang the bell. He opened the door thrilled to find his neighbour with her own token of welcome.
"Thank you for the chili, Nathan. I truly enjoyed every bit of it" to which he frowned and raised eyebrows. "What's wrong?" she said "Didn't you say your name rhymes with Satan?"
ORSM VIDEO
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A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"
WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE GIRL IN THE OFFICE THAT YOU'D....... |
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SECRETARIES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
RANDOM SHITE
Previously: 27th Feb. - 20th Feb. - 13th Feb. - 6th Feb. - 30th Jan. - 23rd Jan. - 16th Jan. - 9th Jan. - 2nd Jan. - MORE >>
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell *kerplop* right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"
ORSM VIDEO
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
This student received the only "A".
PORNSTAR: ALEXIS CRYSTAL |
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ALEXIS CRYSTAL at Pornhub:
Even More ALEXIS: ANAL LEIA - WAY TO RELAX - HAPPY VALENTINE - JACUZZI FUCK - CUM IN MOUTH - UP HER ARSE
Previously: MELODY JORDAN - VIOLETTE PINK - ALEXIS ADAMS - NICI DEE - CADENCE LUX - NAOMI BENNET - MORE >>
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship". "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic" he said "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always come first".
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've also concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is "I'm a hooker".
"No problem" said her new husband "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up".
ORSM VIDEO
Well... so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty site. Cuckoo.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Twice this week alone. Astonishing right!?
-Check out the archives. It's probably what I'm doing right this very moment.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Have you not figured this out my now!!!!!!!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say "100%" after every sentence you speak. He'll literally misuse 'literally' just as often too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't make a fuck out of me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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