Welcome to someday, if you're lucky, you will be old.
I had this whole rant written about not understanding why the whole trans thing has taken off lately. Not joking, my FB newsfeed this week has basically been endless news about trans this and that and them and they. I would have made the point that for how much we hear about it these days, I don't know a single person that has or is transitioned. Not one. Honestly my life isn't THAT insular. Where are they all? But sure enough FB and the news and TV and whatever think I need to know everything about trans people wanting to play sport and guys wearing dresses to awards shows. But... by doing any of that I'm contributing to the problem that annoys me so... and I won't be that big, dumb, hypocritical guy. SO... go forth and embark on this big, beautiful new update. There's a buttload of everything that will make your day way better. That's what I do. Check it...
Every woman is Bi. You just have to figure out if it is polar or sexual.
I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer! Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
A man, at a routine check-up, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Doctor: "I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable". Patient: "Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?" Doctor: "Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though". Patient: "I'm begging you man, please!" The doctor sighs, stands up, and grabs an unmarked bottle from one of his cabinets. He pours a small amount into a glass and hands it to the patient. Doctor: "Now, when I turn off the lights, drink this as fast as you can". The doctor switches off the lights and the patient eagerly gulps it up, then coughs, surprised. Patient: "Wait, is this... whiskey? How is this supposed to cure me?" Doctor: "I'm sorry. It was a shot in the dark".
A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the Major said it's because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a Lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it; gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The Captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General. He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition. The old retired General goes "Wait, is the paint still wet?"
I had to steal something to stir my pancake batter with. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong". She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Toxteth and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, in farewell "I hope you get better". One elderly gentleman replied "I hope you get better, too".
My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop. I've just taken the lead.
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out". "Very well, then" says God "let us see if Jesus fared any better". Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?" God smiled all-knowingly "Jesus saves".
A Welsh man is walking through a field, when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachu yn y Dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow poo). The man shouts back "I'm English; Speak English, I don't understand you". The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in".
I was walking down the street and I saw these two blokes wearing matching outfits, right down to the same belts. I yelled out "Hey dickheads, do you know you're wearing the exact same clothes today?" Then they arrested me!
A woman buys a new closet, which gets delivered home and assembled by a technician. As the job is done, she thanks him and he leaves. Unfortunately, their house is located right next to a railway, and as soon as a train passes by, the new closet falls into pieces from the vibrations. The woman calls the manufacturer to send that technician again. The technician returns, re-assembles the closet and apologises for the inconvenience, then leaves again. Of course, with the next train, the disaster repeats. This time, the technician decides to stand inside the problematic closet in order to observe what exactly is happening when it breaks. Soon after, the woman's husband returns home from work, earlier than usual. Irritated by an unfamiliar car in the parkway, he rushes in, only to find his wife in the bedroom in the middle of the day. Angrily, he opens the closet and asks what the hell this guy is doing in there. "Well, believe it or not, I'm waiting for the train".
A couple had been trying for a baby for a few years without any luck. Eventually they
saw a specialist who said there was a new system to help them. It involved an injection of monkey glands. Within weeks the wife was pregnant. On the day of the birth the father was anxious to see his first born and asked the doctor was it a boy or a girl. "We're not sure just yet". The doctor replied. "We're still waiting it to come down form the chandelier".
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much that one day he drove to the next town and dumps the cat.
But when he reaches home, the cat is there. So the next day he drives 50 miles away and dumps it in the middle of nowhere. Lo and behold, when he gets home the cat is there. The next day, determined to get rid of the cat once and for all, he drives to the other side of the country and dumps the cat. 6 hours later, he phones his wife and asks is the cat there. Paddy's wife said "Yes, why?" "Put the damn thing on the phone... I'm fucking lost!!"
The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair.
He meets his mentor at the entrance. "Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you" stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment". "Please, don't worry about it" says the trainee.
They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to the first chilli pepper, and the mentor instructs the trainee that they will begin by checking the colour.
"How can I judge the colour?" the trainee asks, looking puzzled. The mentor reaches into his bag and takes out a pair of colour charts, one with shades of green and another with shades of red. The first pepper is red, so he hands the red chart to the trainee and says "Use this colour, use this colour, use this colour chart".
The trainee holds the pepper against the shades of red on the chart and sees that it's a lovely deep red, scoring full marks. He writes down the score and the mentor instructs him to check how spicy it is.
"I have no clue how to do that " says the trainee. The mentor once again goes into his bag, takes out a sharp knife and cuts a tiny sliver of the pepper off, handing it to the trainee. "Put this on your, put this on your, put this on your tongue" he says impatiently.
The trainee puts the tiny piece of pepper on his tongue and instantly reacts with a yelp. His eyes are watering and he gestures for a drink of water. Once again, he gives the pepper full marks for spiciness. The mentor gives the instruction to the trainee to award a final score for the size of the pepper.
"But how does one measure a red, hot chili pepper?" he asks, to which the mentor takes out a set of scales from his bag and replies "Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!"
Previously on Orsm: ON ALL FOURS #1 - MORE >>
The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.
He had a souped-up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible - straight pipes, turbo, the works.
There's a straightaway on a back road where all the local guys go to race. Every weekend, this guy crushed the competition. Like clockwork, the checkered flag girl would make her way between the racers, the cars would inch into place and with the wave of a flag they'd be off. Our local hot shot would toy with the new guys, then hit the next gear and win by a mile.
This went on for weeks, until it got to the point that nobody would race the guy, right?
One fateful weekend, a challenger stepped up. Literally. Little Italian guy in a driver's cap and suspenders. He arrived via taxi, walked up to our guy, and challenged him to a race. Hot shot looks him up and down, laughs, and says "In what car?" "I can beat you on foot, easy-peasy. Never lost a race".
Now, our hot shot was clearly sceptical of that claim. He wanted to laugh, but come on. He'd never lost a race before, and if this guy had the moxie to put his own record on the line, he had to at least put on a show, right?
So, the challenge was accepted. The flag girl beckoned that souped-up Honda into place, and right alongside it came the challenger on foot. Hot shot figures hey, I'll humour this guy. He revs his engine, whips the crowd into a fury, all the while our Italian Stallion runs through a few stretches and double-checks his laces.
The flag was raised...
And the Honda *takes off*.
For all the showmanship that went into the prep, this was still a race and hot shot there had no intention of losing. He'd put this guy in his place, keep his trophy for another weekend, and be home in time for supper.
Until he looks in his mirror.
And wouldn't you know, that little Italian guy with the suspenders and driver's cap was hot on his tail!
Baffled, hot shot puts it into 4th and slams the gas His engine was roaring, his odometer was redlining, there was no way this guy was keeping up!
And through that smoke and noise was the silhouette of, you guessed it, that challenger sprinting right behind.
Now, hot shot started to get worried. He couldn't believe it, but seeing was believing: this guy was gaining on him, right? So he's pushing his engine to the max, and he doesn't have much left to give. He puts it into 6th and floors the accelerator. 60.. 70... 80...
And right behind him like glue was our challenger.
The finish line was approaching fast and the Honda's speed had stalled.
Our challenger was right alongside this Honda.
Neck and neck...
An incredible cloud of smoke erupts with the smell of burning rubber and cloth from the challenger!
The hot shot was so surprised he hit the brakes and power slid to turn around. He was met with a sight he couldn't even begin to comprehend - smoke and dust were absolutely everywhere. Hanging from a light pole was a pair of suspenders; stuck against a jersey barrier was the Italian dude's moustache, and blown to smithereens and raining like confetti was his little driver's cap. The Challenger himself was left sitting flat on his arse, covered in soot and with one foot bare.
Hot shot jumps out of his car to check on him. He might be cocky but even he's got to care for a fellow competitor!
He runs up and asks him "Holy smokes, what happened to you, man??" Our Italian guy looks up, chuckles, and says "Ever blow a sneaker going ninety?"
Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>
One warm autumn day a man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly.
"I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"
The patent clerk looks up in boredom "Sure, sure... but I need to verify the truthfulness of this claim. Anyone could falsify papers! May I try these apples in person?" Even though the clerk was clearly sceptical, the man nods and says "Follow me to my orchard!"
Once there, the man brought the patent clerk to the rows dedicated to the different flavours of apple. One row was marked with a picture of a banana and a mango, one had a picture of a blueberry and a pomegranate, on and on down the line. The man picks the best of each flavour and hands them to the clerk.
"Take a bite from the side closest to you". The clerk exclaims "This tastes exactly like watermelon! What's the other flavour?" The man says "Cherry. Turn it a bit". The clerk turns the apple and takes a bite from the unbutton half, and is again amazed at the taste.
They go through the apple flavours like this for a while. "This could be the juiciest mango in the world, if not for the texture!" "Turn it a bit".
And so on and so forth until the clerk is nearly breathless with amazement.
"Do you have any idea how fantastic this is? Some of those apples tasted better than the actual fruit! We need to get your patent filed immediately!" The man smiles and beckons the clerk to lean in before whispering "Look, if you're interested in it, I also have an apple that tastes like the sweetest vag you've ever dreamed of. Follow me and I'll give you a couple to take home".
The clerk nods and follows the man in stunned amazement, excitement growing as they went further and further towards a more neglected section of the orchard, where a single apple tree stood.
The man hands the clerk an apple and says "Go on, take a bite".
The patent clerk is practically shaking in anticipation and excitement at this point, but he manages to calm down, take a deep breath, then bite into it. After a couple seconds of chewing, he spits it onto the ground and says "My God, I hope it's still in development, because that tasted like utter shit!" "Oh, sorry" said the man "just turn it a bit".
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news". "Well" says the bloke "I guess I'd better have the bad news first". The Sarge says "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead".
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share".
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well" the Sarge says "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
Previously on Orsm: BMMDI #4 - BMMDI #3 - BMMDI #2 - BMMDI #1 - MORE >>
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A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing.
The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on the premises.
The manor sat isolated atop a hill overlooking a quiet town. The winding road to the manor was steep and the path ill-maintained. Most of the townsfolk avoided the place altogether, as it was said to be haunted by a terrible ghost whose curse took the life of the young man's uncle.
Nevertheless, the young man wasn't going to turn down his inheritance, and decided to move there.
On his first day there, the young man began exploring his new abode and stumbled across a room filled with books in countless languages, some more akin to obscure hieroglyphs than words. Countless baubles and curios in the room greeted his curiosity.
Foreign coins whose faces appeared faded with the passage of time laid in a box upon the mantle. Strangely coloured stones veined with metals the young man couldn't identify sat upon a desk next to a magnifying glass. Manuscripts depicting seemingly arcane alchemical recipes in hastily arranged piles were stacked by differently sized vials and jars, various sinister looking specimens suspended therein.
As he continued, his gaze rested upon a golden figure of a snake, coiled and poised to strike, eyes transfixed on his own. Then the truth of this room dawned upon the man. It was the very same room in which his uncle was found dead!
The impenetrable silence in the room was shattered by the phone ringing loudly on the desk. Hesitantly, eyes sceptically glued to the snake, the young man reached for the phone, cleared his throat and stammered "H-h-hello?" The voice on the phone sounded haggard and sickly "I am The Viper, and I will see you in one hour..." to which the young man hastily jammed the phone back onto its receiver. He ran for the door, his mind racing! After catching his breath and deciding he was merely imagining things, the man had several drinks, settling his nerves and lulling him into a light sleep.
The phone rang again, rousing the man "I am The Viper, and I will see you in 15 minutes!" The man was not imagining things! He looked out through a layer of grime on the window as the sun threatened to set, amber light skimming bare treetops shifting to a deep red. The man called the police for help, explaining his predicament and was informed that help would arrive in 15 minutes.
15 minutes passed, and again the phone rang. Expecting the police, the man picked up the phone "I am The Viper, and I am here to see you!" The voice was accompanied by a *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* from the front door.
The young man, terrified for his life, glanced feebly through the peephole, silently praying for officers at his door. Instead, he saw an old, gaunt, red nosed man with several buckets and squeegees, lit cigarette between his thin lips.
The man opened the door and was greeted with "I am The Viper, sir. I vent from town to here to vipe your vindows! Vere should I start?"
Previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this" he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead". "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest".
The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys" he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" they said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive". "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience".
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it". He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "Yeah...?" "Well I fucking didn't!"
There was once a Japanese man named Fuk.
Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.
Tragedy struck however, upon finishing his daily bottle Fuk succumbed to alcohol poisoning, leaving behind his vast supply of drink and a not unreasonable amount of money.
Being a man with little time for family, he had no wife or children to whom his inheritance would go and only his little old mother and two brothers attended the funeral. To make matters worse, he had left no will, as he had died so suddenly. Of course, this caused confusion, and one day the brothers met to decide what should be done.
One brother began the conversation.
"So, you are aware that on his passing Fuk left behind all of his drink?" "Yes, and I think I would very much like that. Take the money if you wish, I do not need it".
At this, the first brother scoffed.
"I was going to say the same, brother. How are we to settle this?"
And the second proposed an idea. Since they were both men of the mind so to speak, they decided to play a game of chess to make the choice of who received the coveted sake. They sat down, and began to play.
Their mother arrived, and seeing the two brothers in such a frenzy of competition, she spoke.
"Boys, what is going on?" The first brother looks over, saying "A competition mother".
She waits and watches as the brothers make their moves in silence.
Eventually, she strikes up the nerve to speak again. "Why must you compete so, right after the death of your brother? Have you no shame?" The second brother turns his head, ripping his eyes away from the game for a precious second "We are vying for what we may inherit, mother, now please be silent and allow us our thoughts".
The brothers continued to play, getting more and more stressed. Beads of sweat fell down the face of each, backs hunched towards the board, eyes locked to the pieces in confrontation. Eventually, the game is nearly won, and both are in a position to take the other.
Their mother pipes up a third time, just as the first brother is about to move "What are you even competing for; that is so important you must fight so?"
The first brother's hand slips, misplacing his queen, and the second brother cries out in triumph, putting his king in checkmate.
The first brother turns, and stares at her "For fuks sake mother!"
Previously on Orsm: HELLO VPL #1 - MORE >>
An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure".
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it". "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness' sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment "Where's my fucking toast?"
Previously: 16th Jun. - 9th Jun. - 2nd Jun. - 26th May - 19th May - 12th May - 5th May - 28th Apr. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.
The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area - people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encourage responsible drinking.
The owner decides that she is going to introduce an exchange system. She decides that any patron of her bar will be able to leave an unfinished drink at a designated spot on the counter, and if they can currently spare it, they will give the customer a free small food item in place of the unfinished drink.
They test out the system at the bar, and overall, it's a resounding success! The one issue that is brought up is that people want to be able to choose their food items rather than having the bar choose for them. The bar owner decides to address this by giving her bartenders authority over deciding if someone can request a certain item or not, and that it can depend on how much is left in their drink so that the system does not get taken advantage of.
Around that time, a group of friends is visiting the bar. They are having a great time, drinking, laughing, and even doing a little bit of singing.
The time comes for the group to head out, and one of the members has a bit of whiskey left in his glass. He knows that if he finishes that last bit, he's going to regret it in the morning. He gets ready to just leave it on the table and head out when one of his friends stops him and tells him about the exchange system.
The bar is known to have the most amazing fried onion around. Though small, it's perfectly dark golden brown with a glistening thick texture that breaks perfectly into your mouth with a satisfying crispness on each bite.
The man decides he is going to request that fried onion in exchange for what is left in his glass. It's not a lot of whiskey, but it's at least a few sips worth.
The group watches as he walks up to the bar and leaves his glass at the designated spot on the counter for exchanges. They watch as the bartender on duty walks over and begins a conversation. They can immediately tell by the body language it's not going as planned. The conversation ends as the man tries to find out just how much whiskey he would have needed to be able to obtain that amazing fried onion.
He returns to his group empty-handed to inform them of the result.
"Well" he says to his friends with a sigh "It was worth a shot".
I have a son who's on the spectrum. It's quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was molluscs. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he'd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He'd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually, he doesn't want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he'd sit there rattling off facts about molluscs for hours.
This was shaping up to be a long-term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed.
Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I've never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell. I don't want to get too into the gross details but I'm a dude, a once 18-year-old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don't clean it. I'm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of 'fleshlight' for a long, long time without cleaning it.
I'm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you'd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help.
So it's been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it's been incredibly promising so far. He's really starting to come out of his shell.
Previously: JOY - LOUISE - ZOYA - LOVE - GRETTA - KATRINA - MAXINE - VERA - ELIZABETH - MORE >>
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000' for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest'".
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'".
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger'".
Well ay caramba! Here the end we have reached.
-Follow me on Facebook. Should I kill it? I should kill it. Despite best intentions I never have the time to keep it updated. Thoughts?
-Check out the archives. See what one person described as "Better than being kicked in the dick".
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know even where that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bomb your embassy.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.