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orsmupdate 2020.02.16-15.11
NAOMI BENNET AT PORNHUB

Welcome to HERE... not here.

Must be the season for shit breaking. Think I mentioned this in my words last week but holy crap the past month has been an onslaught. At last count we're at atleast 4 major appliances having had a failure of some sort. I suppose this is where being a cheapskate learning how things work has paid off and its saved me from calling out a fridge repair guy, washing machine repair guy, dishwasher repair guy and pool repair guy. Wouldn't be complete without the cars needing attention too but thankfully there's insurance and warranty to fall back on for those. The upside though is that now pretty much everything has broken in some way or other there isn't much left that can shit itself... oh yeah except the Orsm servers. Sooo smooth sailing from here on out... right?

Moving on to all whatever. What I have for you dudes this week is a perfect update perfectly befitting the middle of January perfectly. I'm sure you will ALL agree. So go forth and enjoy. Check it...

Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick? 
--
Dear Dr Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing email, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl
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As a policeman, I deal with rape victims daily. Women really seem to trust me when I'm in uniform.
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
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Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits. What sort of biscuits? Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking. Oh, that's easy, you're fucking crackers.
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I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night. On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect...
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry". The waitress says "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
--
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here". The guy says "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies "Not at all... we also sell condoms here".
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Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier "Why did you join the army?" Second Soldier "I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So, I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?" First Soldier "I had a wife and I loved peace. So, I joined".
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A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him "Looks like you blew a seal". "Oh no" says the penguin "Its just a little ice cream".

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A bloke calls his wife from the emergency department. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works. "Oh my God!" cries the wife "The whole finger?" "No" replies the bloke "The one next to it".
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When my wife asked me to name all my sexual partners I'd ever had, I had to think back to when I was 16. I took a couple of minutes to list them off and eventually got to my wife. Looking back, that's where I should have stopped.
--
To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts.
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I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 73). A little concerned about that comment I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 85?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer wine or hard liquor? "Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs either!" Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks burgers ribs? "I said "Not really... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Like playing golf boating sailing surfing hiking or bicycling?" "No I don't" I said. He asked "Do you gamble drive fast cars have a lots of sex?" "No" I said. He looked at me and said "Then why the fuck do you want to live to 85 then?"

ORSM VIDEO

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says "No, dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye "tis" says Paddy. "Hand me da shovel".

THE WEDDING PHOTOS WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE...

ALL EYES ON THE BRIDE 09

Previously: BRIDES #8 - BRIDES #7 - BRIDES #6 - BRIDES #5 - BRIDES #4 - BRIDES #3 - BRIDES #2 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

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NEED TO KNOW: GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMS

ALPHA: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work".

BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work". It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".

COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".

DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.

ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.

HELP: What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.

INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognisable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

REFERENCE MANUAL: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

USER-FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

USERS: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

*NOVICE USERS: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
*INTERMEDIATE USERS: People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
*EXPERT USERS: People who break other people's computers.

GOT A LITTLE THING FOR THE GIRL NEXT DOOR 😍

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR 08

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony. However, I did find some things strange.

For instance, the priest never said "You may now kiss the bride" but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away, I asked "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty in the redlight district. He sees one of the local queers mincing along with a bag in his hand.

The cop calls him over and say's "That bag is a bit suspicious, what's in it?"

The queer shows him the bag which the cop opens. He sees it contains three bottles.

The cop takes a bottle out, un corks it and sniffs it "Hmm wine" he says.

He takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs "Ahh, body oil".

He takes the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs. He goes out like a light right there.

When he comes round, he says. "Fuck me! What was in the third bottle?"

The queer smiles. "Chloroform. Sure makes your arse sore doesn't it?"

SKINNY GIRLS WILL GIVE YOU A FATTY

SKINNY GIRLS 09

Previously: SKINNY #8 - SKINNY #7 - SKINNY #6 - SKINNY #5 - SKINNY #4 - SKINNY #3 - SKINNY #2 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years". "Yeah" she replied "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together".

"I know" the old man said "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago". "Well" Granny snickered "What do you say... should we get naked?"

The couple stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey" the little old lady breathlessly replied "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago".

"I wouldn't be surprised" replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal".

READING BRINGS US UNKNOWN FRIENDS

SHHHH IM READING 04

Previously on Orsm: SHHHH IM READING #3 - SHHHH IM READING #2 - SHHHH IM READING #1- MORE >>

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says "God bless mummy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa".

He asks her "Why did you say that?" "I don't know, I just felt like saying it".

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says "God bless mummy and daddy. And goodbye grandma".

Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath!

The dad realises this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.

"God bless mummy..." she turns her head and looks straight at him "and goodbye daddy".

"WHAT!? Are you sure honey?" She nods.

The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset that he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.

He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realises he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him.

"Where the hell were you today??!" He replies "Please don't shout. I've had an absolutely miserable day".

His wife then says "YOU had a miserable day!? I'M the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."

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ORSM VIDEO

'

MATHEMATICS

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

TOPLESS... BECAUSE TOPS OF *ANY* KIND ARE JUST SO UNNECESSARY

TOPLESS 03

Previously on Orsm: TOPLESS #2 - TOPLESS #1 - MORE >>

Fatima, my second wife was hairy - VERY hairy in those special places.

I arrived home from the pub and went into the bedroom. The wife was listening to her favourite music and in the half-light, I could just see she was naked. I quickly stripped off and lay on the bed. My hand moved over and I started to stroke.

"You are getting so hairy down there Fatima. Very soft and furry".

My hand began to wander.

"You are very tight, Fats. But a little dry".

I started to gently rub. Fatima said sleepily "That's the cat. I'm further over".

Fatima also loved phone sex. She would put the phone on vibrate and get all her friends to call. I came home and Fats was chatting to someone on her mobile. I went over and kissed her on the cheek.

"Great! Fish for dinner tonight!"

"That's my mobile; were having salad".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2020 01 16

Previously: 9th Jan. - 2nd Jan. - Xmas I & II & III & IV - 12th Dec. - 5th Dec. - 28th Nov. - 21st Nov. - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, they needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I have Scottish blood in me veins now".

ORSM VIDEO

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It's 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.

As he steps outside, he notices bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "Hmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".

So, feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

PORNSTAR: NAOMI BENNET

NAOMI BENNET

NAOMI BENNET at Pornhub:

Even More NAOMI: Fuck & Suck - Sold By Her BF - Big Dildo Fuck - POV BJ - Gets A Mouthful

Previously: AUBREY MARIE - MEGAN JONES - RAINIA - EVA - ALLY KAY - CECELIA SCOTT - EMMA EVINS - MORE >>

A frustrated customer calls tech support with a very tricky problem. She cannot print blue; it just doesn't show up. All the other colours print fine, except blue, which is very unusual.

The tech support person on the other end tries everything he can think of to help the customer. He asks her to reinstall the program, to reboot the computer, to turn the printer on and off.

None of it helped.

Finally, after hours of troubleshooting, he asks the customer if she can send a photo of her computer, the sys info screen, a screen shot of what she is trying to print and a photo of the printed result, the printer settings, the cable connections and everything on her computer desk.

She forwards the pictures by email and on receipt he instantly understands what the problem is and tells her "From now on, print on white paper instead of blue!"

ORSM VIDEO

Aaaand DONE. Can only speak for myself when I say I'm satisfied and gratified. Also quite like how those two words rhyme and wanted to use them in a sentence together.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time... and when I don't get a temp FB ban for posting someting like this. I've genuinely seen more provocative sexuality in a nursing home.
-Check out the archives. Or don't. You're a gigantic piece of shit if you go with the latter though.
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get this whole "Okay, Boomer" thing going with you... even though you aren't a Boomer... because he doesn't quite understand the meaning or correct usage. Look, my point is he will "Okay, Boomer" you frequentlly and it'll get fucking annoying fucking quickly.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and death to toxic cunts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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