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orsmupdate 2021.07.29-21.27

Welcome to the theme from M*A*S*H; now stuck in your head.

Hectic few days around the old homestead yet this update has managed to not only happen but be astonishingly good despite the chaos. I particularly think you guys will enjoy the everything. Check it...

When my uncle passed away, all the clocks in the house stopped at exactly the same time. He died in a gas explosion.
My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today". "I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while". "I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?". "Very well" I replied "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner".
I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception "Hi, this is room 26. Can I have a wake-up call please?" Desk clerk: "Certainly Sir! You're in your mid-30s, single, live with your mother, and you've achieved nothing in life!"
The Pope is on a stage handing out miracles to sick children. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?" The pope says "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now". Billy says "I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday".
A mother thinks there's something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all. Wife: "Darling, there's something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child". Husband: "Of course he isn't, don't you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, 'Go and change the baby, I'll wait here.'"
Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. "Every morning, I get up at 6am" the first man explains "and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out". The second man adds "I get up at 6am too, and it feels like I've got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens". The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends "I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7am every morning". "That's not bad" the first man responds. "Why are you complaining?" The third man admits "The problem is I don't usually wake up until 7.05am".
If this doesn't touch your heart, then you just don't have one. This is an incredible story of luck, happiness and inspiration! Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Bufford Taylor, from Live Oak, Florida wins $181 million in the lottery last Saturday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! Talk about luck!!!
The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - can I take your order?"
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope" replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you" said the lawyer. "But it's only $500" replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

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The wife phoned me at work. "Did you ever feel a sensation in your face, like someone was stabbing one of those Voodoo dolls?" she asked me. "No" I replied, a bit puzzled. "How about now?"
My grief counsellor died the other day. He was so good, I didn't give a fuck.
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says "Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!" A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy "Well, I don't think I'm an idiot at all". "Alright" agrees the guy "you can go on the left".
My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said "Mate, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock". Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.


A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says "Now remember... that's all-original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of Vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off".

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents" house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.

"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes".

The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months" worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mould and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought..." then he gets another idea...

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realises that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of Vaseline.

The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out " ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"



Previously: PDA's #11 - PDA's #10 - PDA's #9 - PDA's #8 - PDA's #7 - PDA's #6 - PDA's #5 - PDA's #4 - MORE >>


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A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone.

"I'm sorry, sir, we're out of chocolate". "Oh, that's too bad. I'll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then".

"I'm sorry, sir, but like I told you, we're out of chocolate". "How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?"

"Let me ask you something. How do you spell the 'van' in 'vanilla'?" "V-A-N".

"Okay! We're on the same page! And how do you spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?" "S-T-R-A-W".

"Right, and lastly, how do you spell the 'fuck' in 'chocolate'?" "There is no 'fuck' in 'chocolate'". "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"



Previously on Orsm: SMALL PACKAGES #1 - MORE >>

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Betty, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Betty replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason".

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Betty said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the bank manager and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the bank and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Betty asked "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time".

"All right" Betty said. "So do you remember when you were in the Golf Club you ran for President of the Club, and you needed 59 more votes...?"



Frank, the town postman, is retiring after 50 years on the job.

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

First up he drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather-bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens. "Here you are, Frank. We know how much you like reading, now you're retiring you've got plenty of time for it now!"

Frank thanks him and continues on his route.

Next, Frank knocks on the door of the town pub. The landlady fetches him a good bottle of 12-year-old single malt whisky. "We've been keeping this for a special occasion. Pour yourself a large one on us and enjoy your retirement!"

Frank is touched by her gesture and moves onto the last address.

Frank knocks on the door of Mrs Smith. She answers the door in a negligée that leaves little to the imagination. "I've been expecting you, Frank. You'd better come in".

She leads him upstairs and proceeds to make mad, passionate love to him.

Frank's head is still spinning and as he gets dressed, Mrs Smith slips a $100 note into his shirt pocket. Before he has chance to say anything, Mrs Smith says "we're not done yet" and leads him down to the kitchen.

Mrs Smith then cooks a fantastic breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast, the full works. As he finishes eating and takes a swig of his coffee, Frank finally has chance to ask.

"I must say Mrs Smith, everyone in the town has been very kind today, but you've been the kindest of all. Too kind, in fact! What on Earth could have moved you to such a gesture?"

Mrs Smith thinks for a moment, leaning against the kitchen worktop.

"Well, I was really racking my brains to think of something nice for you, so I asked my husband. He said 'Fuck him, just give him a few bucks' but breakfast was my idea!"



SEXY ATHLETES previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die".

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him".

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly".

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.



FESTIVALS previously: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

An Irishman finds a magic lamp. He picks it up, gives it a rub, and out comes a genie.

"Master! you have freed me from the lamp! I will grant you three wishes!" "Wow, three? Okay, let me think for a moment..."

After a short period of deliberation, the Irishman had finally come up with something.
"I would like to have a pint of Guinness that magically fills all the way back up when I've finished it".

"Your wish is my command!" booms the genie, and suddenly in the Irishman's hand is a pint glass full to the brim of Guinness.

The man takes a few swigs to test it, likes what he's been given, and continues to down the rest of the drink. As soon as it was empty, the glass magically filled right back up with a fresh pint, which he also enjoys immediately just to see it fill up again. Infinite Guinness.

This happens a few more times before the genie starts to become a little impatient.

"Master, what may I grant you for your second wish?" The Irishman wipes his mouth, takes a gander at the glass in his hand and says "I'll have another one of these".

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A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.

As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "Hmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.



HARD NIPPLES previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn" says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me".

"No problem" says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings".

"I will go then, friends" says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.


RANDOM SHITE 2021 07 29

Previously: 22nd Jul. - 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - 17th Jun. - 10th Jun. - 3rd Jun. - 27th May - MORE >>

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It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of hay.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey, Will!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up". "That's mighty nice of you" Will answered. "But I don't think my dad would like me to".

"Aw, come on". the farmer insisted. "Well okay" the boy finally agreed, and added "But dad won't like it".

After a hearty dinner, Will thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my dad is going to be real upset". "Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your old man?"

Will replied "Under the wagon".


A new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method.

The blossoming crops attract the attention of an agriculture company nearby, and they send an infiltrator to try and get some secrets to success out of the boy.

The farmer gladly welcomes the businessman and cheerfully tells him about how well his manure works. Astounded, the man asks him if he'd be willing to set up a deal for this miracle-poo. The young man talks money after a while, and they come to a conclusion of $10 bucks per week in exchange for weekly pickups of manure from the company. Assured he got the better deal, the farmer walks away thinking "I'm gettin" a bit of extra money for literal bullcrap? It's my lucky day!"

Two months later, the young man's older, more experienced father comes by near the beginning of the harvest season he's impressed with how well the crops have outgrown his own. "Son" he says "This manure of yours is top-notch! You could be making a pretty penny off of this!"

Proudly, his son puffs out his chest. "Pa, I've been doing that for a while now! Selling it to the farmin" corporation not too far from here!" "Really?" his father asks. "For how much?"

The younger farmer tells him. His father's face flushes red.

"Boy! That's criminally low! My manure aint half as good and I get paid 3 times as much! You've been scammed!"

Stunned, the son collapses in a lawn chair turned towards his cattle pasture. He looks at the collecting pile of poop gathered in a corner.

"Man" he says "I'm not getting' paid enough for this shit".





An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


Well dudes, how was that? Wait wait don't tell me... you fucking loved it, it pushed you in to a state of joy and happiness you didn't know was possible? Yep, thought so.

-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Experience for yourself what one guy described as "good".
-Next update will be next Thursday because it's kind of my deal.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll spit in your eye.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.