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orsmupdate 2022.11.17-16.13

Welcome to I need, I want.

Well, it's Thursday... again. This one came around all too quickly which hasn't particularly brought me happiness. At this rate it'll be Thursday again tomorrow and we'll be having the exact same conversation. To fix this I propose NO UPDATE NEXT WEEK so I may rest my brain. It's been an unrelenting couple of months and it's taking/taken a toll. I need a break... before I break. That said, or irregardlessly, this update still fucking stacks up. The worst thing that can happen upon delving into it, is you are left overwhelmingly quenched. Check it...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPad, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad I have decided to volunteer for Trump's re-election campaign".
A Rabbi and a Priest are found asking for money outside of a Church. The Rabbi was wearing old, tattered clothes; the Priest was wearing nice, elegant clothing. Everyone was giving the priest money and the Rabbi was having no luck at all. After a few hours, a young Jewish man walks by and says to the Rabbi "Why are you asking for money in front of a church? Nobody will give you any money, especially when you're wearing that kind of clothing!" The Rabbi goes up to the priest and says "Look at this guy telling us how to run our business!"
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an Income tax inspector about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $150,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year... and you want to know how I made $150,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us" the inspector said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bali for you and your wife". "Oh, that" the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
An unhappy go to a marriage guidance counsellor. He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counsellor gets fed up, gets his bass out and starts playing it. The couple sits there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counsellor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the couple starts making small talk with each other. Pretty soon they're deep in conversation. At the end of the hour, the counsellor puts down the bass and the couple turn to him, and says "Doctor, that was amazing! We haven't talked like that in years! How did you do it?" "Ah" says the counsellor "people always talk during the bass solo".
Bob and Francis lived in a retirement home together. They had quite a bond and would frequently hang out and spend time with each other. One of their favourite things to do would be to go out on the patio at night, gaze at the stares and reminisce on the good times. One night when they were on the patio Bob asked Francis if she would hold his penis while they talked. Not do anything beyond that, simply hold his penis and continue to talk. She was hesitant at first but obliged and she held his penis and they resumed talking as per usual. This started to be a nightly routine, Francis would hold Bob's penis on the patio and have pleasant conversation. Until one day Francis went out to the patio and Bob wasn't there. She looked in the lounge. Wasn't there. Went to the bingo room. Wasn't there. Finally, she found Bob at the pool, and he was with Agnes!! Infuriated Francis asked Bob "What does Agnes have that I don't have?!" And Bob replied "Parkinson's"
I joined a dating site for arsonists. It's great. They send you new matches every week!
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed. Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded "I found the remote".
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do" she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do" she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today".
A Russian walks into a bar in Turkey. He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems". A few seconds later the Turkish's oppose him and say "Hey, you know what you're wearing is insulting?" The Russian responds "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended". The Turk responds "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside". The Russian: "That's your second problem - you always want to solve your problems with violence". The Turks bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights".

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Two men were cellmates in prison for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe "You know man, it's been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you". Joe replied "Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws who first". So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing". Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mum says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy". "Oh, please, mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
A couple were having a picnic in a jungle. Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"
I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!!


A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived.

The monk opens the door "How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "Okay, come in".

While he was sleeping, the roof collapsed, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?"

The monk, thinking that it was just an accident last night let's him in.

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls again, killing half of the monks. Now there are 256 monks left!

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "No, last time you slept here the roof has fell and half of the monks were killed!" "But isn't it your duty to help people? Please!" "Okay, come in..."

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls, killing half of the monks. Now there are 128 monks left!

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "But..." "I know what you're thinking. But I have no place to sleep. Also, I am sure that God would appreciate your gesture". "Okay, but it's the last time..."

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls in, killing half of the monks, including the one that was in charge of the monastery. Now there were 64 monks left.

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk who was chosen as the new "chief" of the monastery opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?"

The monk, unaware of guy's presence in last days says "Okay, come in".

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls in, killing half of the monks. Now there were 32 monks left!

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "Okay..."

"It was only a coincidence" says the monk to himself.

While he was sleeping, the roof falls in, killing half of the monks. Now there are 16 monks left.

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" The monk, very suspicious, tries to send the guy away, but then he says that "It's your duty to help people". So monks lets him in.

While he was sleeping, the roof falls, killing half of the monks. Now there are 8 monks left.

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "No. It cannot be a coincidence that-" "But God would appreciate it if you would let me in..." "Okay..."

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls, killing half of the monks. Now there are 4 monks left!!

The next day, a guy on the red scooter returns and the situation is the same. The monk tries to get rid of him, but he still manages to sleep in a monastery.

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls, killing half of the monks. Now there are 2 monks left!!

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"How can I help you?" he asks. "Could I sleep here tonight?" "Absolutely not! Every time you're here the roof falls and half of the monks die! Also, we have nearly no money to repair the roof! "But it's so cold outside... I lost a job recently and-" "*SIGH* Alright come in..."

While he was sleeping, the roof has falls AGAIN, killing half of the monks. Now there is only 1 monk left!!

The next day, the guy on the red scooter returns.

The monk opens the door.

"Could I sleep here tonight?" The monk, angry and tired of repairing the roof EVERY DAY, says nothing, jumps on his yellow scooter and starts to chase the guy on a red scooter.

After a short time, he catches the guy and kills him.

The moral of the story? Yellow scooters are faster than the red ones.


MOUNDS previously: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke" the guy protests. "Just take a bite of the apple" says the bartender.

 So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?" The bartender tells him "Turn it around".

So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased.

"It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat, pal".

Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him "Buddy, try the apple" and with a nod to his own, takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation "Tonic! What's this, a tonic apple?"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man "Turn it around..."

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!"

The two men revelled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he's about to order, the second man interrupts him "Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!"

The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation.

"Oh yeah?" He starts "Okay then, it's been a while, gimme a PUSSY flavoured apple!"

And the bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar.

"Ugghhhh!!" he cries out "this apple tastes like SHIT!"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him "Turn it around..."


GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>



On the outskirts of a small town there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons.

Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this family's bovine particularly hard - some believed it to be sabotage, that the disease was introduced by Alpenrose to eliminate all competition. But that's neither here nor there.

The farmer had been left with nothing but a single, pathetic old cow. His family was struggling, and making money in any form was a thing of the past. In fact, his sons more or less lived off milk and the hot-pockets they stole from their friends' freezers.

One midsummer's evening, the farmer was feeling particularly good about himself. He had split an onion with his wife for lunch, and he thought a nice glass of fresh, frothy milk might top his day off. His sons had drained the milk that morning, of course, so he grabbed his pistol and strutted off to the barn (the barn was infested with a strange variety of absurdly large rats, quite possibly the source of the infection that had killed most of his cows, and he made a point of killing one on every trip to the barn.)

He heaved the door open, and began to walk inside.

And stopped dead.

There, in the middle of the barn, lay his single cow in a pool of its own blood, clearly dead.

The farmer had always been an honourable man, and a courageous one as well, but the crushing weight of his discovery was too much even for him.

He fumbled with the pistol, put the barrel to his head and blew his brains out.

Hearing the gunshot, his wife rushed out to the barn. Upon seeing the shit that had gone down in that barn, she also grabbed the gun and blew her brains out.

Several hours later, when the bodies were already cold, the eldest son came home from his friend's house. His friend was a massive douchebag. When he couldn't find any milk (or his parents, for that matter) he headed out to the barn to get some for himself.

Upon opening the door, the eldest son saw everything that had happened, and, devastated, he ran down to the stream to drown himself. Just as he was about to thrust his head into the stream, a mermaid popped out.

"Hello, Farmer Jr". she said "I can make everything better. But I have a price. You must have sex with me five consecutive times, no breaks and no mercy. If you fail, I'll drown you myself".

Farmer Jr. readily consented, and, to his credit, made it all the way to 4 before his heart gave out.

The mermaid sighed and disappeared into the water.

Shortly later, the middle son showed up at home, found his parents, and ran down to the river. Again, the mermaid popped up, and promised to fix everything if only he'd have sex with her 10 times!

Again, his heart gave out, and he drifted away down the stream.

As I'm sure you've guessed, the youngest son made his way down to the mermaid as well. Again, she promised to rectify everything, if only he'd have sex with her 15 times!!

"15? Please, don't insult me. 20!" he responded.

The mermaid was shocked.

"Fine" she smirked "make it 25".


"Yeahhh, no! 25!"


As they were about to begin, the boy stopped and took a step back.

"Wait wait wait!" he said "one question".


"How... how do you know this won't kill you like it killed the cow?"



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President Biden walks into a bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the teller he says "Good morning, ma'am. Could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Teller: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Biden: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Joe Biden, the 46th President of the United States of America!"

Teller: "Yessir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID".

Biden: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am".

Teller: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".

Biden: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque".

Teller: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Novak Djokovic came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot and the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Biden stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing".

Teller: "Will that be large bills or small bills, Mr. President?"

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

"What a woman really wants" she answered "is to be in charge of her own life".

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now what is the moral to this story?

The moral is... if you don't let a woman have her own way things are going to get UGLY!


RANDOM SHITE 2022 11 17

Previously: 10th Nov. - 3rd Nov. - 27th Oct. - 20th Oct. - 13th Oct. - 6th Oct. - 29th Sep. - 22nd Sep. - MORE >>

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Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there.

Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting.

Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered.

Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.



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Well... would you look at me all finishing early and stuff. Of course, if you are reading this not on Thursday afternoon my time then it doesn't apply in any way whatsoever. So in many ways me even saying that is possibly meaningless and redundant...

-Follow me on Facebook. I think you should.
-Check out the archives. Just kidding. It won't. See above. It will be the one after (1st December).
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'll breach your data.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ??
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.