Welcome to this is the way.
Keeping within the theme of getting right to things that’s exactly what I'm going to do. Check it...
Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets. The old
man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is very healthy as well?" The old man answered "That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometres!"
I gave my bald friend a comb. He said I will never part with it.
Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence? "Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrians cross only at crosswalks, which can be designated by white lines, or can be unmarked, some state and local laws allow pedestrians to cross certain streets outside of a crosswalk, but require pedestrians to yield to any vehicles when doing so and generally, pedestrian traffic rules require that pedestrians yield to motorists any time they are outside of a crosswalk but many local jaywalking laws forbid crossing an intersection diagonally, unless traffic signals specifically allow diagonal crossing".
I purchased a budgie, in a tall cage the other day. I'm paying weekly... he's on higher perches.
A family of farmers, Ma, Pa, and their son Jim, take a trip to the city and walk into a shopping mall for the first time. They gape in awe at all the shiny surfaces and gleaming store windows full of fancy objects. Before long, the boys wander off and leave Ma ogling a kiosk of crystal jewellery. Pa and Jim find themselves in front of the elevators, having never seen such a thing before, they stop and stare, wondering what sort of strange city doors these be. A little old woman, wrinkled and bent, slowly taps her way into the elevator with her walker. The doors close with a DING, and the lights above the elevator flash. A moment later, the doors open with another DING, and a tall, gorgeous twenty-something blonde saunters out into the mall. The country boys gape at the sight for a moment, mouths open wide. "Boy" Pa gulps "go getcha ma".
Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head? He took it as a sign from above.
A man was walking through a park. He stopped by a flock of seagulls sitting on the grass verge next to a pond trying to snap up some worms from the mud. One of the seagulls drops a worm and shouts "oh for god's sake". The man is intrigued that it can talk so he goes and asks it where it's from. "I'm from around London but I travel to many distant places". The flock of seagulls all started chirping in with all the places they'd like to visit. "I want to visit Sweden" "I'd love to see Scotland" "What about Holland?" The man suggested to the flock of seagulls that they should all visit some Western Asian countries because they're magnificent and full of culture. One of the seagulls scoffed at him and said "Iran? Iran's so far away!"
A bird is about to fly south for the winter. He's a lazy bird and gets a later start than the rest of the birds. As he's flying, a blizzard hits and turns into a small little bird block of ice. He drops hard to the ground and lands in cow pasture. Still conscious, he ponders his life choices and begins the stages of grief. About the third stage, a cow comes along and shits right on top of this little bird. Now the ice is melting and the little bird is full of happiness. Being so close to death, he begins to sing loud and proud! A cat nearby hears the bird's song of glee, sneaks up on him, grabs him, wipes the cow shit off of him, and eats him. Moral: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. And not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before; apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room. "How are you mate?" I said. "Yeah, I'm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing" he tells me. So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay. I say to them "Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you". They respond "Bullshit! Prove it". I shouted upstairs "Hey, mate! Both of them?" He shouted back "Of course both of them! What's the point in just fucking one?"
Kleptomaniacs take things literally.
My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night. She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient. "No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics" replies the doctor. "Please, just one kiss" she pleads. "Sorry" says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be boning you".
An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief.
Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life from a would-be assassin, he always ended up helping her/enabling more exploits.
One day, his sister met an 80-year-old billionaire and began dating him hoping to cash in from his Will when he croaks ("hopefully soon" as she put it). She told Arti this on the phone and he immediately becomes wary.
"Sis, you know this is a bad idea? Once again, you don't know what you're getting yourself into!"
She blows him off, enjoying her 5-star hotels and private jets, and then the big day came - the old geezer proposed with a diamond the size of a ring pop. She enthusiastically said "Yes!" and they married on his private island in the Pacific. It was a ridiculous sight - a slumping, 80-year-old magnate and his beautiful, dolled-up bride, 50 years his junior.
But things change very quickly.
Before the marriage, she was living lavishly - using his platinum credit card to her heart's desire, driving luxury cars (or better yet, being chauffeured), and traveling the world in style. But after the honeymoon, the geriatric fat-cat laid down some rules for his wife - a $5k monthly LIMIT on the platinum card, ONE international trip per year, chauffer only on WEEKENDS, and more - it was too much for her to bear. And even worse, his health was seemingly improving! He was always bragging about his perfect health report from his doctor, running 5k's and swimming laps in their indoor pool. He had top-of-the-line medical professionals and physical therapists on call 24/7 for any slight deficiency or physical malady. "I can't die! My work is too important!" he would joke, but his wife started to think it was true.
After a year of this, Arti's sister called him up.
"Brother, I can't take this anymore. He tracks me everywhere I go, limits my spending, I can't even have my girlfriends over to our private cocktail bar! I feel like a prisoner. You have to help me...!!" "And what do you propose, oh genius sister of mine?" Arti replied sarcastically, having heard this plea many times before. The phone went silent. "Arti I... I need you to kill him".
Arti hung up.
He wouldn't entertain this. But his sister was desperate. She called back repeatedly and insisted on her demand, pestering him for months. "If you kill him, I'll give you any sum you need to leave the country, form a new identity, live on a remote island - anything you need! The Will is going to make me a fortune enough for both of us!"
After months of thinking, Arti once again failed to say no to his helpless sister. He agreed to one last assassination, then he was done helping her for good. He began tracking the old man's routine, following his entourage discreetly trying to find the best method to take out the businessman. He discovered there was ONE occasion when he was all alone - each week, there was an Amish farmer's market he would go to anonymously to take in some privacy and brush shoulders with the common folk. There were lots of stalls and trailers and carts that obscured everyone's view. With his fibre wire, a well-timed strangulation would take less than a minute and he could walk away in the crowd, home free.
Then the day came. He followed the old man through the farmer's market, ensuring no guards were with him. Then, after a half hour or so, the old man turned a corner toward the edge of the market and Arti's heart began racing. He couldn't believe his luck - the old man... was going to take a piss! He intentionally walked to a place out-of-view to relieve himself and Arti took his chance. His fibre wire was around the old man's neck one second, and the job was done. His arteries had been severed and he bled out before he suffocated.
Arti turned to make his getaway in the blended crowd and froze - a man with an armful of corn was staring at him - a witness. Arti had no choice. He lunged forward with his fibre wire and strangled the life out of the witness as well - but not before the victim was able to let out a warning scream and attract attention.
The plan failed. Arti tried running away, but his escape was foiled due to his partial disability and he was in police custody within the hour.
To make a bad situation even worse, the old man was never planning on making his sister a rich widow - she found a hidden copy in his safe, which read "to my selfish wife: I've always seen through your cold, material heart, and to teach you a lesson, I leave you $1.00".
A billionaire and a blameless bystander - dead for so little.
While the plotting widow would eventually become infamous, initial reports focused solely on the double-murder, as summed up in one newspaper headline: "At the Farmer's Market, Arti Chokes Two for $1.00"
Previously on Orsm: WET PUSSY #4 - WET PUSSY #3 - WET PUSSY #2 - WET PUSSY #1 - MORE >>
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand-new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said 'Do whatever you want'.
So here I am!"
Previously on Orsm: NERDY GIRLS #1 - MORE >>
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Sometime in the Middle Ages, a Duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival.
So he sent a group of his soldiers to attack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid.
But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "Wool for cheap, wool for cheap".
The captain of the soldiers went to investigate and found the stall where voice was coming from. It was empty except for a sheep. The sheep said "Wool for cheap, wool for cheap".
Surprised to find a talking sheep, the captain asked him how much the wool cost. "One bag of wool for one bale of hay" bleated the sheep. The captain replied "I have no hay, but I have coin". "No coin. Wool for hay. Wool for hay".
The captain shook his head and went to re-join his men in their advance on the castle.
As the men reached the castle, they found the gates shut tight and archers on the wall. Several times they attacked, riding through a hail of arrows, but each time they were turned back before they could break down the castle gate.
The captain had an idea and called one of his men "Go back to the market square in the town. In one of the stalls, there is a talking sheep. Bring it to me".
The soldier went back and found the sheep. He grabbed it up and rode back to the castle. He passed the struggling sheep over to the captain who organised his men for another charge.
As they neared the gates, the captain flung the sheep hard against the gate, and the gate promptly collapsed. The Duke's men overran the castle and captured the earl.
As they were preparing their prisoners and spoils to return to the Duke, one of the soldiers rode up to the captain and asked him "Sir, I am confused. Why did you send me for that sheep? How did it break down the gates? And how did you know?"
The captain smiled and answered "Simple. It was a bartering ram".
GIRLS WHO CAN LICK THEIR OWN BOOBS previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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Three shipwreck survivors were on a lifeboat.
After several weeks stranded at sea, they'd nearly run through their supplies. Now that they were down to a single can of ham, they decided that to have the best shot of one of them surviving, the ham should go to the person who still held the most hope. So, they decided that they would all go to sleep that night, and whoever had the most pleasant dream would get the can of ham.
The next morning, all three awoke.
The first survivor said "I dreamed that I died in my sleep and went to the gates of heaven. The gates were made of gold and pearls, as magnificent as anything I've ever seen. Then the gates swung open for me, and I was greeted by Saint Peter and a choir of 100 angels".
The second survivor said "I also dreamed that I died in my sleep and went to the gates of heaven. They were made of platinum and diamonds, ten times as magnificent as anything I've ever seen. Then, the gates swung open for me, and I was greeted by Jesus, and an orchestra of 1000 angels".
They looked to the third survivor, who sat silent for a few seconds. "I dreamed that you two died in your sleep and I ate the ham".
Gus has been doing accountancy for over 35 years and he's sick of it.
So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.
Every day he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything he owns to become a prospector.
So finally, the day arrives when Gus can leave his job as an accountant and be a prospector instead.
Off he goes and the first year he finds two gold nuggets and a diamond.
Second year he finds three gold nuggets and a half a ruby.
Third year he's not finding shit and he's thinking about going back to accounting.
So he decides that's it; one last week and then it's the last day and he's wandering around in the snow trying to remember accounting when he falls into a crevasse and injures himself.
He lies there for a while. Then he stands up and looks around and the crevasse is kilometres long. Then he notices that all the rocks are precious, ore bearing.
Gus cums in his pants, because he has a giant ore chasm.
Previously: 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - 17th Nov. - 10th Nov. - 3rd Nov. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he'd had a family emergency and would not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bum's doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I will pay him $50!"
The other bum says "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him".
"HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Previously: BARBIE & ANNA - CARLI - AUDREY - GRETTA - MATHEA - SILVER - ELIZABETH - LOTUS - MORE >>
Well, folks, that's the lid on what, if you ask me, was a rather wholesome effort.
-Follow me on Facebook. Good place to keep up to date should the world end.
-Consulta los archivos.
-Next update will NOT be next Thursday. For once, I want to spend Australia Day not doing an update. Back on the 2nd of Feb.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I will NOT show you how to use the 3 seashells.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.