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orsmupdate 2023.04.20-10.24

Welcome to whatever is this/this is.

I honestly don’t even know how to begin... I've had at least a dozen cracks at it... this is a trigger I can't believe I'm pulling... but here goes...

About a year ago I sat down at my computer one morning and was hit by the revelation that I think was coming for a long time - I need a break. Not like a week in Bali with all the other Aussie's riding a scooter in a Bintang singlet and no helmet; a proper break where I do something completely different, challenge myself, GTFO of my comfort zone, re-enter the real world, work with people, sweat... all that stuff. I realised strapping myself to the computer for endless hours each day was never going to achieve any of those things. I've been [doing] Orsm for upward of 23 years and every single thing in my life has changed in that time. Well, of course it has, that’s life, but the thought of churning out updates for another couple of decades is too much to bear.

So I'm taking a break.

I've thought long and hard about the best way to go forward from here and I honestly have no fucking idea what the answer is. I don't want to shit all over loyal Orsmist's by just disappearing either. So right now the plan is: 1) Orsm updates will cease - this is the last one, at least for now; 2) Orsm will definitely stay online until around the end of May so you guys can have a chance to roll back through the archives; 3) I'll take some time to work out what, if anything, happens next. I'm leaving the door open to return in a different format or whatever. Maybe someone else takes the helm. It's very much up in the air at the mo.

I won't pull any punches here - this may well be the end of Orsm. Forever. No more. Kaput. Gonski. Finito. Adios. Fuck y'all later. But there's a chance I panic, realise this 'revelation' was just wholly misguided and fire back up. Obviously, this is going to be disappointing to many of you and it was a next to impossible decision to reach but like I said, I hit that point. Hopefully everyone can appreciate that.

You guys can contact me at webmaster@orsm.net or through the Orsm FB here.

Check it...

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Fred" his buddy says to the bartender "He knows when to stop".
My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the lads" I said. "Well, I need you to come and open the door for me" she snapped "I've forgotten my key!" "Calm down" I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen".
One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.
He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers. He told the nun to come back at the beginning of every week and he'd give her enough cucumbers that each sister could have two cucumbers the first day, and one the other six days. When the nun asked him what the second cucumber was for, he told her "To eat, silly".
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day. The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee. Jesus steps up, takes his swing and *BOOM* the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake. Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land on the green. Moses steps up, takes his swing and *BOOM* the ball flies up and lands in the middle of the lake. Moses parts the water, walks down to his ball and smacks it out onto the green. The old man steps up, takes his swing *BOOM* straight up into the air and headed for the middle of the lake BUT... before the ball hits the water, a giant bass jumps up, and swallows the ball. Before the bass hits the water, an eagle swoops out of the sky, snatches the bass and starts to fly away! A sudden clap of thunder startles the eagle, the bird drops the bass onto the green, the ball pops out of the bass' mouth, straight into the cup! Hole In ONE! Jesus turns around to the old man and says: "Nice shot, dad. Now will you quit fuckin' around and play golf!?"
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples?" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well" so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey, it's not that hard".
The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem - I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand; totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our cola. And third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place". "That should have worked" said the friend. He replied "Well, I didn't know Arabic... and neither did I realise that Arabs read from right to left..."
A priest goes into a pub to avoid the rain and spies a member of his congregation in there staring miserably into a pint. "What's wrong, Brian?" asks the kindly man of God. "It's my grandfather" replies Brian "he's just died". "Well, did you not try to take him to Lourdes and get him cured?" "We had a whip-round in the pub and I went with him, but we had only been there an hour when he died" answered Brian. "Well" comforts the Priest "sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious ways". "I think it was more likely to be the speed of the cricket ball that hit him in the head".
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available". I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course, I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted "Order, order!" The drunk immediately responded "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a G&T".

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A very nice, innocent Australian young woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman - a virgin! After many unsuccessful years of searching, she takes out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Bill Smith, who is a below average Aussie bloke who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled on the balcony. "Whatever happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman before" he says "But if your anything like my kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.
My friend found out that Albert Einstein was a real guy. He thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
Apparently, women are more likely to give circumcised men blow-jobs rather than uncircumcised. I guess they can't resist anything with 20% off!


A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred waters. This is forbidden! As punishment we will torture you all to death. Then we will take the skin from your torso and use the leather to make a canoe. However, I will allow each of you one request before you die".

The Frenchman thinks for a minute then speaks "I request a knife".

The chief nods his head and a tribesman quickly gives the Frenchman a knife. The Frenchman looks the chief in the eye and says "I will not let you torture me! VIVA LA FRANCE!"

He then proceeds to stab himself through the eye and dies instantly.

The chief snaps his fingers and the Frenchman's body is dragged away to be skinned. He then turns to the Englishman.

The Englishman thinks then says "I too would like a knife".

Like before, the chief honours his wish and he is given a knife.

"I will not let you torture me either. RULE BRITANNIA AND GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!"

He then proceeds to stab himself through the temple and dies instantly.

The chief snaps his fingers and the Englishman's body is dragged away to be skinned.

Finally, he turns to the Australian.

The Australian immediately askes for a fork. So the chief gets him a fork.

The Australian takes the fork in hand and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his chest, screaming "TRY MAKING YOUR FUCKING CANOE NOW!"



Previously on Orsm: ON ALL FOURS #2 - ON ALL FOURS #1 - MORE >>


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A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is understandably livid.

"Who the hell was that???? And what did she mean about 'seeing you later'?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura".

"You have a mistress!? And she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce!"

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. I love you and I want us to live a long life together".

"Not after the way you humiliated me tonight!"

"Look, I'll make sure that she doesn't do anything like that again".

"You mean you're going to see her again?"

"Of course!"


"You need to think this through. We have a prenup. If we divorce, you'll be comfortable, but at a very different level. No more flying to Paris to shop, no more beach house, no more luxury yacht cruises. Even dinners like this won't be common".

She is quiet for a while, then she says "Isn't that Ted from the club? Who's he with? It isn't Stella".

"That's Ted's mistress. I think her name is Kristy or Krissy or something like that".

"Hmm. Ours is prettier".


FLIGHT COMPANIONS previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>



A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told him "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. If you keep this up you might live forever! You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer".

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said "You mean to tell me you are 60years old and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that" said the patient "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again".

The doctor said "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said "Did I say he wanted to?"


BEACH DRESSING previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through the park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tsk tsk!" said the passer-by to himself "what a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help".

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir".

"Fishing, eh? Well, how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied "You're the fourth today, sir!"

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Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.

After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!

They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


RANDOM SHITE 2023 04 07

Previously: 30th Mar. - 23rd Mar. - 16th Mar. - 2nd Mar. - 23rd Feb. - 16th Feb. - 9th Feb. - 2nd Feb. - MORE >>

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One morning after fishing from his boat in the lake, a man returns to the shore and decides to take a nap at the lakeside.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts reading her book when along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says " Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies (thinking 'Isn't that obvious?')

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her. "But Officer I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine".

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the Game Warden .

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment". "Have a nice day ma'am" and he immediately departed.


Previously on Orsm: CHICKS IN FARMER JOES #1 - MORE >>

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Well folks, that's it, that's all. For reals.

I feel like I could say a lot here. There's a lot of shit rattling around my brain. There's been some pretty epic up's and down's over the years but I'm just going to shout it out with a huge THANK YOU to everyone who was ever part of it in any way since Orsm first appeared way back in '99. It's been an amazing journey.

-Follow me on Facebook. A good place to keep in touch with the future of Orsm.
-Check out the archives. They'll be up until the end of May. Seriously, it's now or never. I won't be able to respond to requests for content you want to see again, sorry. Meanwhile there's somewhere in the vicinity of 10,626 galleries along with 55,596 videos all wrapped up in approximately 1,052 updates that you might went to get on ASAP.
-Next update will be possibly never.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET WHILE THEY STILL CAN!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Wish me bad luck? Then go for it! Goodluck with that! Just make sure you email me here!

Until we meet again, be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.