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orsmupdate 2023.02.02-03.22

Welcome to Orsm because I personally believe that, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps..

Aaand welcome to February too would you believe? Let's mark the occasion by sliding into my update with as few words as possible. Check it...

A duck waddles into a hotel's lobby convenience store and loudly asks the bored clerk "Hey, where can a guy get some Tic-Tacs?" Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet "Did you just ask for Tic-Tacs?" "Yeah, Tic-Tacs" says the duck. "Got a date with a smokin' hot redhead". Not knowing for certain how to respond to this bizarre situation, the clerk grabs a pack of Tic-Tacs, places it on the counter, and says "And how do you want to pay for this?" "I'm a guest of the hotel" replies the duck "so just put it on my bill". The transaction occurs, and with an amused chuckle, the duck grabs the Tic-Tacs and leaves. Two hours later, the duck returns. And indeed, the hottest redhead the clerk has ever seen accompanies the duck. "I wanna buy a condom" the duck announces loudly without a hint of decorum. The clerk, making every effort not to imagine the scenario posed by this turn of events, places a condom on the counter and states "I suppose you want me to put this on your bill?" The duck replies "What? Do I look like some kind of pervert to you?"
I went for a routine check-up today. When I got home my wife asked "Was everything okay?" "Yes" I replied "well, everything seemed okay util he stuck his finger up my arse". She laughed "Well, that's normal procedure at your age!" "So you don't think I should change my dentist then?" I said.
Three nuns went to confession. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned" said the first nun "I looked at a man's penis". "Then wash your eyes with holy water" said the priest. In came the second nun. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis". "Then go and wash your hands in holy water" came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues. "Sorry I was so long" she said "I just had to go and gargle and a have a douche". 
My wife arrived back from her driving test. "So" I asked excitedly "how did you get on? "Not good" she replied. "They failed me. Oh dear!" I said sympathetically "it can't be that bad... what did he pull you up on?" "A rope" she replied "the car's still in the river".
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard "Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat". Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs "I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!"
My son said "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I said "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her". He said "So what happened?" I said "Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother".
Three priests meet up for dinner. After dinner they're talking about how they divide up the collection from the congregation between the church and themselves. The first priest says "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle, I keep and the rest goes to the church". The second priest says "I do something similar. I too draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle I give to the church and the rest I keep for myself". The third priest says "I too do something similar. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God wants he keeps".
A Russian official visits an American official. "Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?" asks the Russian official. "You see that bridge over there?" the American official says and points toward a bridge in the distance. "Yeah, I see it". "I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge" the American official whispers. A few days later, the American official visits the Russian official. "Holy cow, where did you get the money for this mansion?" asks the American official. "Do you see that bridge over there?" The Russian official says and points toward the distance. "No, I don't see anything" replies the American official. The Russian official then whispers "Exactly".

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying "You can't take it with you". After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool" she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement".
I entered a competition to see whose muscles could wither away the fastest. The winner got atrophy.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet".
Veteran circus entertainer Frederico Martinez, also known as the human cannonball, has decided enough is enough and quit his forty years entertaining the public. His manager said "He will be sadly missed by many. A man of his outstanding calibre will be hard to replace".


Bubba got a new job.

He says to his new boss "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world!" Bubba says "Yes I do!" Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"

Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.

"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!? Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" Bubba says "Yes we were!"

They fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba says "Tom!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks 'Well that could happen, it's just one person'.

So he tells Bubba. Bubba says "Okay, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Joe Biden, you don't know Joe Biden!" Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Donald and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" Bubba says "Yes we were!"

So they fly to D.C. and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Joe's eye and waves and the President waves and shouts "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba's boss is stunned - he can't believe it. But then he thinks 'Well that's just two people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!'

So he tells Bubba. Bubba says "Okay, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do NOT know the Pope!"
Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" Bubba says "Yes he did!"

So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd without much luck.

Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Bubba's boss passes out.

Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!"

When his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "Okay, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Joe Biden and I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who is that up there with Bubba?' that's more than I can take!"


BEACV SHOWERING previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post: a rundown mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet. It's just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning, he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.

As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guy's balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.

Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on. "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan". He says "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home".

The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.

After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.

"Hey, my last post was in Korea. How is it here?" asks the replacement "and what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you" replies the marine "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line".





There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match.

As he went on into college, he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers' legends grew, a match was set up between the two - America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him "This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip!"

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said "Whatever you do, DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip! No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip".

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian Death Grip.

The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd erupt in a chant of "USA! USA! USA!"

He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him "I didn't see... once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?"

With heavy breath, John told him "Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them".

"What??" said the coach... "John I don't think that is legal. You could be disqualified".

"I don't know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain't got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls!"


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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and, in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets".

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Two friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer.

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman (BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was in charge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week.

They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometre inside the jungle, they see a bear approaching them and the FO quickly climbs up a tree, however, the BM doesn't know how and the bear comes near him, tears his clothes and fucks him.

When the bear leaves, the FO feels sorry for BM and teaches him how to climb a tree.

The next day, they start again and as they see the bear approaching, the FO climbs the tree in a second but as the BM reaches halfway, the bear drags him down, tear his clothes and again fucks him!

After it leaves, the FO climbs down and starts teaching him faster ways to climb trees so that he doesn't take so long climbing next time.

The next day as they are again roaming the forest, they find out that a fire has started and every tree around them is burning down. Low and behold, a bear comes running towards them.

The FO again quickly climbs the only tree that is not yet alight and as the BM is climbing, the branch he is holding on to breaks and he falls to the ground.

Accepting his fate, he thinks "Might as well save my clothes from being torn". He pushes his pants down along with his underwear, takes doggy position and braces for the inevitable.

The bear reaches him looks him up and down and kicks him in the nuts saying "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?? The forest is on fire and you want to fuck?"


RANDOM SHITE 2023 02 02

Previously: 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - 17th Nov. - 10th Nov. - MORE >>

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Not wanting to risk missing out on the prize money, her husband snuck into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis'".

The woman thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her "The head, heart and penis".

Come game night she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds".

"Um... the head".

"Good. Eight seconds".

"Um... the heart".

"That's right. Five seconds".

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"




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Now where were we? Oh yes...

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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.