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orsmupdate 2021.07.22-21.21

Welcome, or words to that effect.

Another one of those weeks with constant interruptions. It has absolutely been the trend lately. And I don't mean the phone ringing for 2 secs with your mate screaming "COCCCCCCCKKKKKK" down the line before abruptly hanging up. Stuff like actual meetings with actual human people, or having to go somewhere and do some thing. I was under the misguided impression that winter was supposed to be the time of year everything quietens down a bit, social activities are supposed to cease or at least reduce and you get a chance to catch-up. NOPE. Full fucking steam ahead! But hey, it could be worse - at least I'm not trans. Bwahaha.

Alright lets get stuck into this sweet update. Today we've cracked the century barrier for videos, don't even get me started on RS, nude babes in several titillating genres and a fuck-tonne of jokes. If that isn't enough then there's alllllways the Orsm archives. But for now... check it...

My girlfriend just text me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegiveme analternative". Anybody know what "ternative" means?
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed wind at least ten times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing because it doesn't smell and is silent". The doctor says, coming back from opening all the surgery doors and windows "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the lady returns. "Doctor" she says "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent now stink terribly". "Good" the doctor says. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing. and your gas build-up"
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died". "Thank heavens" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer "What did you do with your life?" "I was a police officer" he responded. "What kind of police officer?" Saint Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids". "Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates". He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. "I was a traffic officer" said the man. "I kept the roads and highways safe". "Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates". He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. "I was a military policeman, sir" replied the man. "Wonderful! I've been waiting for you all day!" replied Saint Peter. "I need to take a break! Watch the gate".
I saw two male lions trying to screw the shit out of each other by the side of the road. I thought to myself "Have they no pride?"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he alright?" "He must be" said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday".
Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah? I see he's still fucking celebrating!"
While sitting on the deck of the course bar after a round of golf, Bill is hit in the head with an errant drive. By the time the offending golfer finds him, Bill is already angry and holding an ice pack to his head. "I'm so sorry!" the golfer says. "It just got away from me!" "You'll be more than sorry!" Bill yells. "I'm going to sue you for $5 million for your carelessness". "I yelled 'fore,'" the golfer explains. "Fine" Bill answered. "I'll take four, $4 million".
I asked the young good looking Muslim girl next door who is very Westernised why she still walked 100 meters behind her husband, as this is a free country and women are not dominated like they are in Islamic culture. "Oh it's nothing to do with culture and domination " she told me "I'll be fucked if I want to be anywhere near him when he sets his vest off. "
I went to pick the missus up from weightwatcher and was eating a box of Maltesers. As I walked in, I tripped over a shoe and dropped the box. That was the best version of hungry hippo's I've ever seen...

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Sick and tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made'! What do they want? A fucking medal?
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the priest and said calmly "Well, she's there".
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat. "My God" his friend replied "why would you do such a thing?" "Simple" the man muttered in his last breath "because I'd rather one of them die than one of us".
I told my mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman.

"Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?" The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been put on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The barman says "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties". The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves...


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says "Who are you?" to which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says "I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous". The rabbit says "Yes I know".

The barman said "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED" said the rabbit. "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause. The rabbit said... "Mixin-me-toasties".



MOUNDS previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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Pedro and Maria got married.

Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these". And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too". Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those".

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"



Previously on Orsm: BRIGHT SIDE OF THE MOON #1 - MORE >>

Mike gets off work and is heading to his car.

On the way he encounters a homeless guy, who asks him if he can spare some money so he can buy dinner. Mike takes out his wallet and then pauses.

"How do I know you're not just going to go buy beer with this?" he asks. The homeless guy replies "Oh, I gave up drinking 20 years ago, haven't had a sip since". Mike then says "You know, you should spend the money on fishing equipment, that way it could supply you food more than once".

The homeless guy says "I haven't fished for a long time. I don't have the time for it, I spend all my time trying to survive day to day". Mike says "What about spending it on hunting equipment? That would also supply you with food more than once".

The homeless guy replies "Oh, I gave up hunting several years ago too". Mike replies "You know what? Instead of giving you money I'm going to take you to my home. You can take a nice hot shower and then eat a delicious home cooked meal that my wife prepared".

The homeless guy is shocked and pleased.

"That would be fantastic, thank you so much! Wait... don't you think your wife might be really upset if you bring some random homeless guy into your home?" Mike says "Don't you worry about that. It's much more important that she sees what happens to a man after he gives up drinking, fishing, and hunting!"



Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue".

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue" said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here".

"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine".



REDHEADS previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says "License and registration, please".

London Lawyer says "What for?" Irish cop says "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign".

London Lawyer says "I slowed down, and no one was coming". Irish cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please".

London Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket".

Irish cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir".

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?!"



GIRLS WITH FLAT TUMMIES previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 -#2 - #1 - MORE >>

The little white woman was busy baking a cake.

Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards, she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake.

Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend her some of his. So she closed her little white cupboards, grabbed her little white coat and went through her little white door, locking it behind her, walked down her little white stars to her little white path and out past her little white letterbox turning left to see the little green man.

The little green man was up a little green ladder painting his little green house the most amazing shade of green you have ever seen.

"Mr. Green" she shouted "Do you have a cup of sugar I can borrow?" The little green man could not hear her so he paced down his little green ladder and put down his little green bucket of paint and little green paintbrush and said "Sorry? Could you repeat that?" "Do you have a little cup of sugar I might borrow?" "I am sorry Ms. White but I am afraid not, I lent my sugar to Mr. Red as he is making his own beer, however he may have some left". "Ah thank you Mr. Green" she said, and wandered back down his little green path, out his little white gate, noticing for the first time Mr. green did not have a little green letterbox, rather a little green slit in his little green door. (This point will be important later).

Out she went walking back past her little white house and towards the traffic lights. Pressing the little silver button and waiting for the red crossing man to turn green before she crossed. As she waited, she began thinking about how her day of easy baking a little white cake had turned into such as disaster, and the sun was beginning to heat up considerably.

The crossing signal turned green and so she wandered towards the little red man's house. Passing his little red letterbox, down his little red path and towards his little red door. The little white woman knocked three times and waited for the little red man to open the door.

But he did not.

So she knocked again, louder this time. perhaps he was filling his little red bottles with beer. But still no reply. She tries the little red door handle. The little red door opens. She walks into his little red living room, and shouts "Mr Red, Are you hoooome?" "I'll be down in a minute, I was just showering". "Not a problem" she calls back upstairs.

The little red man emerges soon with a little red towel wrapped around his waist, little red chest hairs visible around his nipples. "I was wondering if I might borrow a cup of sugar for my little white cake?" "Ah no problem at all" said the little red man "you know I had to borrow some off the little green man across the road?" "Yes he did mention it".

The little red man got a little red chair from his little red dining room and placed it in the kitchen next to the little red bench, then stepped onto the chair to reach his quite high little red cupboards. "Can you please pass me a little red cup?" he asked as he opened the cupboards. The little white woman did so and as he turned to receive the cup his towel fell clean off and onto the floor. The little white woman was shocked! Never had she been so humiliated and abashed in her life and so without another word turned on the spot and half marched half ran out of his little red house, down his little red path and across the road towards her little white house. Where she was promptly hit by a big yellow truck.

By the time the ambulance arrived in their little blue van it was too late, the little white woman was dead. Which just goes to show, that you should never cross while the red man is flashing.

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A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbours realised that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep.

Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbours decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.

"Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex". "Thank you"

"Sir, we realise that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..." "Okay?"

"But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up". "Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happy again". "Thank you so much, sir"

The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and- "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.

An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbours standing outside in their nightclothes.

"SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"



DARK NIPS previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.

You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?


RANDOM SHITE 2021 07 22

Previously: 15th Jul. - 8th Jul. - 1st Jul. - 24th Jun. - 17th Jun. - 10th Jun. - 3rd Jun. - 27th May - MORE >>

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An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much!

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make" the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide". "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie" the man says "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"


Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

(Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.)

She is "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas.

So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club".

"Oh man, am I in trouble" I said "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.





Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen".

After they show her their ankles, the Queen says "It is also important that you don't have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too".

Once she has seen their knees, she says "Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials".

Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other "I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"


Well fellas and IDK... bellas?... that's the 28th Orsm update for 2021 done, dusted and put to bed. If you ask me, it was a fucking pearler. Even if you don't ask me I'd still tell you the same thing soooo...

And now this:

-Follow me on Facebook. It'll be worth it... one day... maybe...
-Check out the archives. It's where the bodies are buried. Shhhh.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Teetering on the edge of August would you believe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell them how much of a cunt you are.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.