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orsmupdate 2019.02.14-20.48

Welcome to tits out, clits out.

My fuckwit of the week is definitely the guy I stopped to let cross the crosswalk safely. He walked those few metres shaking his head at me, apparently in disgust. Cannot for the life of me work out what exactly about obeying the road rules and letting him cross was triggering but I do know it must fucking suck being so miserable that that annoys you. To you sir, suck shit.

Moving on. If you're here because you haven't managed to lock down a partner for Valentine's Day....... then this update is GUARANTEED to help you through it. Don't believe me? Read on - it is so big and packed with so much good stuff I had to bail on any sort of Val's Day stuff with my own GF. Not in the good books right now but her, I know what my priorities are! Check it...

Our Army physical training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile. During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners".
An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen. "But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money.  We will replace the car with another". The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, 'No, let me see the next room.' In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, 'I pick this room.' Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, 'OK, coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!'
News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week. Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey" she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good" she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that" she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl".
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.
Doug asks "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?" Bill says "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember... I don't mind going back to prison".
The Romaine empire has fallen. Caesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realised that she was not happy with his driving and said "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly. I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" Then the guy quickly corrected her "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

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HitchhikerHitchhiker Left Her Boyfriend. Next Thing You Know She's In The Back Of A Stranger's Van... - Drunk SluttingDrunk Babe Lets 2 Guys Fuck Her In All Holes, This Probably Wouldn't Have Happened When She Was Sober But The Guys Take Advantage Of The Situation. - LOL-ingPhun.org's Funny Pictures Dump #315 - Wasted LifeTIP: Don't Wear Headphones Around Heavy Machinery - ImpressiveSarah Silverman Got Them Titties - Nice NipslipActress Nafessa Williams Nipple Slips In White Window Dress - S'Bowl BabeAutumn Falls Is Really Excited About The Superbowl Today So She’s Dressed Up In A Skimpy Football Costume And Throws A Ball Around All Day! Smoking Hot As Always And I Got Some Balls For Her To Play With If She Gets Bored By The Game! - WRONGAlmost 12 Years Ago An Anonymous Internet User Asked The World For Help, But In A Strange Twist Of Fate Achieved A Status Of Legendary Hero That Hasn't Been Matched Since Those Brief Moments On 5/6/7. - HawtnessInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - CringeInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck!

Wow BrutalDamn That's A Brutal Throat Fucking - Isabella DPIsabella Clarck DAP'ed (Double Anal Fucking Piss Clean-Up) - Horse CockSchool Girl Hurting For Gigantic Horse Cock - GeorginaGeorgina Mazzeo Is Fine As Fuck - Hipster TitsThis Is A Shoot Of Model ALICIA DAVIS... Just A Little Too Raw And Real With A Titty Bruise From Rough Young Person Sex They Learned In The Pornos, Unshowered Looking, Tits Everywhere, Unfit But Skinny Bodies, Hot But In A Crackhead Kind Of Way. It’s A Look That We Can All Collectively Jerk Off To. - Love Story2018's Greatest Love Stor - Dillion HarperOffice Manager Dillion Harper Gets Fucked Over Her Desk - Fucking Amazing! - Public SexCouple Puts On A Free Sex Show For The Neighbourhood - For Reals?She Seems A Bit Too Young To Be His Mother But Looking At Their Reaction It Doesn't Seem To Be The 'Standard' Caught In The Act. - Titillated19-Year-Old Bombshell Fucks Big Cock And Gives BJ

Petitie JapFake Taxi Hot Japanese Petite Babe Rae Lil Black Shows Deepthroat Skills - WT-ActualI Bet You $3.50 And The Remainder Of My Orange Julius This Loathsome Creature Is A Thriving Member Of The Furry Community. Also: The One Time A Video On The Internet Isn't Fake And This Is What You Give Me? - Perfect 10First Time Anal For A Perfect 10 Amateur - Thai SlutesA Couple Of Thai Strippers Eat Pussy Squirt All Over The Place - BBW Nasty - *Cured*One Way To Cure A Hangover - Sex ChairTwitch Streamer Rides Dildo While Playing League Of Legends - Ana ToplessAna Braga Posing Topless Post Superbowl - Ella KnoxElla Knox Plays One Of Those Masseuses You Can Hire To Come To Your Office For A Lunch Time Massage In This Episode. She Provides A Lot More Than Just A Shoulder Rub Though. Such As Getting Naked And Having Sex! - Potty MouthInsanely Cute Babe Loves To Be Used As A Toilet

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
"I wish I had a smaller bum" my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?" I peered over the top of the paper. "No, not really" I told her. "Aww, you're sweet" she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?" "No, not really" I replied. "It's because it'd look fucking ridiculous with legs that size attached to it".
A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like" the young teen replied "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, ya know, like because I'm ya know, like I don't like get anything out of it". "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.


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-A female friend of mine came to visit me in the middle of the night with a girl she had recently met (and for added spice worked at a sex-hotline). They wanted to crash my place for a couple of hours to wait for their ride out of town. They had woken me up so I just sat on my bed chatting with them. My friend came to sit on the bed with me and, before long, there was touching. The other girl was using my computer at the time. Things got pretty heated and after a while the friend saw what was happening and came to join the fun. That's when it turned bad. The thought that this fantasy of every guy might be coming true hit me like a ton of bricks and... I don't know. I panicked. I sat up and said "I'm making noodles. Who wants noodles?" I jumped off the bed and walked straight to the kitchen, feeling their "What the SHIT!?" looks on my back. Then I just stood in the kitchen looking at nothing and ended up making noodles with added tears. They left soon after.

-My first time with a guy with an uncircumcised penis was memorable. Granted, I paid attention through the sex-ed classes we had that were more informative than the ones today, so while I was intellectually aware of the foreskin, that hadn't prepared me for actually dealing with one. We were on the couch making out, clothes coming off and I was stroking him and half-noticed the skin sliding back. Since it was sliding forward, I wasn't concerned until I slid it past the ridge and it wasn't sliding back. Immediately I freaked out into hysterical tears completely convinced I'd broken his dick. Once he calmed me down enough to find out why I was freaking out and showed me it will still slide back, nothing's broken, we resumed where we left off. At least I can laugh now at it but at the time, I was scared shitless.

-So ended up seeing this girl whilst at uni. After a night without her flatmates, which I had not met at that point. We start getting down to business. After finishing I go to chuck the rubber Johnny in the bin but she doesn't have one in her room, so I decide to flush it down the loo whilst still in the trash. Now her flatmates are out clubbing. So I figure I've got till about 2am at the earliest till they come back. I open the door into the corridor: used Johnny in one hand, semi in the other - and all three of them are there, with their boyfriends. I panic, throw the condom through an open door into the kitchen and proceed to hide under the duvet. I was then made to get dressed and introduce myself to them. Awkward to say the least. Never did find that rubber though...

-I fucked this chick who worked a late-night shift at Burger King in the back of her car during her break. I didn't know her name or anything. I had just gone through the drive-thru several times whilst drunk and flirtatious. That wasn't really the awkward part. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. She gets a hold of me the next day and I go over to her house. When I get into her place, I almost immediately want to leave. She had two really young kids, both of them dirty and smelly, and intense amounts of Jesus pictures and crosses. The light-up neon one scared me the most. I sat in there for a while as she tried to get me to feel her up in front of her kids. I eventually made some excuse and ran far, far away.

-I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor.

-I met this girl at a bar. She booty calls me a week or two later and I spend night at her place. Lots of making out at first, then we jump into bed. Goes full corpse mode. Doesn't want to try anything besides missionary. At one point while she's limply tugging at my penis, I straight up tell her "You know, I'd love it if you'd go down on me right now". She reacts by putting her fingers to my lips and whispering "Shhh..." That night ruined any momentum our relationship might've had.

-I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked.

-I dated someone who was really turned on by "squirting". I had never accomplished such a feat, but he was confident that he could make it happen. He also had a pretty high regard for keeping things very cleanly, so we had to do the squirting experimentation in the bathtub to keep the sheets clean. And of course, he wanted to see every single detail, so the fluorescent lights remained on while he used his fingers. Only fingers, because, like I said, he really wanted to peer up at my vagina the entire time. It was very clinical and was basically like getting a pap smear by a naked man in a bathtub. No squirting. He was pretty sad about it. It was probably the least sexy sex I have ever experienced.

-The first time I attempted deepthroating, boyfriend wanted me to shove his cock down my throat as he came. So like any good girlfriend I did just that when he gave the signal. I still have no fucking clue what happened, but it turns out semen really burns when it's gushing out your nose

-The only thing I'll even willingly admit here is 4 close friends and I were all engaged in various conflagrations of sexual congress, in the living room, when my roommate came home. He was quite taken aback, and also slightly annoyed, as he had just purchased the furniture we were all fucking on earlier that very week.

-Me and the girl I was seeing were real drunk, got back to her mum's house from a booze cruise real late and wanted to have sex. Since her mom wasn't the biggest fan of me (we met when she barged into her daughter's room at 3AM to complain about loud sex noises) we decided to do it outside on her front lawn. We did our thing and then immediately passed out, buck naked on her front lawn. We ended up being woken up by her neighbour mowing his lawn a few hours later.

-Not the worst sex but the most awkward. My partner and I are having make-up sex after a totally weird fight about feeling unappreciated. Emotions are still rough and I am feeling VERY sensitive. We start to get really into it and he starts going down on me. I'm almost totally distracted when I hear a smacking sound. I look and realise that he is chewing gum while eating me out. I get really upset and his defines is "I'm keeping my mouth fresh, it's not like it's the first time I've done it!" Which, due to stupid couple fight logic, resumes the earlier fight and ends with me crying and us sitting awkwardly next to each other for the rest of the night...



Previously: CAMPING #7 - CAMPING #6 - CAMPING #5 - CAMPING #4 - CAMPING #3 - CAMPING #2 - CAMPING #1

A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here". The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here!!"


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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere". he pleaded to the last hotel manager "Or just a bed-I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant" admitted the manager "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".

"No problem" the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it".

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better". John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time".

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Good night, beautiful" and he sat up all night watching me".




ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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-When I was 17, my girlfriend and I were doing it in the basement living room. Her dad walks in and gets a full-on view of us going at it pretty hard. Commence about a minute of awkward silence. He smirks, tells us to be safe, and shuts the door. As he's walking up the stairs, I hear him call up to his wife "Honey, he's not gay". That was two years ago. We broke up a few months later, and now I have a boyfriend.

-So I met this girl at a party and we started drinking and flirting. She comes back to my place and one thing leads to another. In the middle of sex she says "I like it rough" so I'm like "hell yeah!" and I really give it to her. Hardcore. I go totally ape-shit berserker on her. After we are done, I am exhausted and tired and I go to the washroom to splash some cold water in my face. When I come back she is sitting on the bed crying. I'm surprised and don't know what's going on so I ask "What's wrong?" and she just says "I said, I've had enough!"

-Had an awful crush on this fellow actor in college. He was a senior. We played opposite each other in a play and did the flirty "Hey, I like you" thing. He was very popular, so I ASSUMED he'd had girlfriends/sexy time before. We made out in his dorm room for a bit and things were progressing... when he told me he was a virgin. OKAY. Not a problem. Just a little pressure on me. I was sort of guiding him the whole time... he put a condom on and I figured missionary was the easiest starter kit position. So, he's on top of me and we're kissing and I'm waiting... waiting... I gently whisper "OkAY, you can put it in now, I'm ready..." He says "It's already in". I felt awful. He WAS in and he was so small I didn't even feel it. Like, not even a little bit. I back pedalled and did the moaning-groaning-yeahbaby-thing to make him feel better but I could tell he was mortified.

-I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said "You're still here?

-I went on a bad date with a pothead stranger I met on the Internet, but he was so hot I took him home with me. He proceeded to completely fail at getting hard, and half-heartedly got me off with his fingers. Then he blamed his impotence on: 1. pot, 2. all the masturbation he had done that day, and 3. porn. Because, and I quote "You know, porn gives you all these unrealistic expectations about how thin women should be".

-While in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall.

-While having drunken sex in college, she started crying halfway through (but in no way stopping) and talking about her friend from high school who had committed suicide. Then she said "hurt me" and turned over so I could do her from behind.

-So when I broke up with an ex, I wanted to go through a "slut phase" because I was really inexperienced and stupidly thought that if I could get more of this experience, I would then have a one night stand with my ex, and lure him back to me with my sexual prowess. What really happened was that I farted in a one night stand's face while 69'ing. I know this isn't awkward so much as HOLY FUCKING SHIT HUMILIATING. A few months after that, my ex did indeed try to contact me to go to an art gallery with him. This was my moment to wow him, but I still hadn't mastered any good sex moves but because I was a desperate moron, I saw him anyway. We got way too drunk, and what was supposed to be this amazing sex, was literally him finishing in 10 seconds then passing out without even saying goodnight to me. I lay there in bed, with tears in my eyes because I knew I had just been used and I saw this coming. Probably should have gotten up and left but I was paralysed by how degraded I felt. I left the next morning and haven't spoken to him since.

-I'm at a huge party that a frat throws at my university. It's held in the campus sports facility it is so large. I'm in the massive men's bathroom at one of the long line of urinals, when a very good looking girl slips up behind me, puts her head on my shoulder, and asks if I need a hand with "that". I laugh and nod, so she bats away my hand, holds it, shakes like a pro when I'm done, and then proceeds to jerk me off into the urinal... in front of a few hundred other drunken male students.

-About 10 years ago, I took my GF to a small bed-and-breakfast for the weekend. It was really pretty and being so far away from the city, you could see the Milky Way at night. So we're taking a drive around dusk when my GF spots an old civil-war cemetery; we stop, get out a blanket, a bottle of wine, and my big MagLite flashlight, so we can find our way back to the car. Needless to say, darkness and drunkenness combine well, and we start boinkin' away on ol' Caleb's burial plot. After I give her the best 20 seconds of her life, we're just lying there naked, enjoying the stars and the warm Summer night, when a car-load full of teenagers pulls up and starts walking through the cemetery (probably to do what we were doing), straight at us. The GF starts to panic because all our clothes are hanging on some headstone four graves away, and we're completely starkers. I tell her to sit back and watch the show. It's pitch black, so I figure that the kids' eyes haven't yet adjusted to the night. They were ten feet away, obliviously coming straight at us. Just as they were five feet away, I jump up totally naked, turn on my five D-Cell MagLite right into their eyes and yell "DEA, STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST". Well, they scream like a bunch of four-year-olds and bust ass towards their car, flying off in a cloud of dust. That's when I turned to my GF and treated her another 25 seconds of pure ecstasy. On the second round, I GO THE DISTANCE.

Want more? We got more! Awkward Sex Stories have featured before and you can find them here, here, here, here, here and here.


Previously on Orsm: LINGERIE #1

Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately, a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme! Shloyme says "Wait here for me".

His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately! " Shloyme says "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish" and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... one hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "What happened?" Shloyme says "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted 'Oh, my God, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew"...

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Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him".




Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job.

The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two" Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious.

The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said "Well, you were the closest".


RANDOM SHITE 2012 02 14

OLDER SHITE: February 7th - 31st January - 24th January - 17th January - 10th January - 3rd January - MORE >>

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A man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

"What colour?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No" he said "nothing like that". "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles". He thought long and hard and then looked up and said "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"



Previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A lady goes into a New York City bank. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


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Well well well... here we are.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there regularly or sporadically. It depends. Well worth chucking Orsm a follow though.
-Check out the archives. Do it. Go on. I dare ya.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Have I mentioned this before?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will force you to join him in his traditional Valentine's Day ritual - sitting by himself in front of the TV and consuming up to 20,000 calories through a massive McDonald's and KFC binge. For the hours after that, as the food slowly digests and the comfort of that food slowly wanes, he'll try not to think about the crushing loneliness he suffers. Late in the night a 1kg block of Cadbury's will be devoured. Ray will feel nothing but shame as he fights his body forcing him to sleep. And you'll be right there.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay schwifty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.