Welcome to moral hysteria.
Arrrrgh... smashed by some sort of poop thing. Managed to inhale a buttload of poop stopper tablets and got a handle on it quite quickly but the exhaustion part remains. The highlight of course is weightloss - sure-fire way to shed a couple of kilos. Positive from every negative, right...?
Has otherwise been a pretty massive week. I'd go into it more in detail if there was even a skerrick of extra energy but I'll keep it to one particular enjoyable unsolicited phone call. Yet another Filipino 'account manager' buzzed me at about 7am yesterday. When she asked how I was I told her I was busy sucking my own dick. Without missing a beat she replies saying "I'm glad you are having a nice day". Now that's my kind of account manager.
Alright onward and upward. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but it’s a tribute to my awesomeness that an update of this magnitude, this calibre, can still hit the internets given my current state. Check it...
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
"Doc" said the young man lying down on the couch "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream - I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes". The psychiatrist nodded "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored "Please break my arms!"
While two families were waiting in line to enter the museum, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam" replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied "My daddy is a lawyer". "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind" replied Adam.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You're running around with another woman - admit it!" she demanded. "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're the only one here". That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?" "Counting your ribs".
Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah? I see he's still fucking celebrating!"
I was going to give some money to a homeless bloke yesterday, but when I saw a sign around his neck that read "One day, this could be you" I put the change back in my pocket. I thought "Hmmm, maybe he's right. I might need it myself one day".
"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one" said Jill. "How'd you do that?" asked Margaret. "Well" says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah" says Margaret. Jill replies "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help. A woman had breastfed her infant and forgotten to "tuck herself back in". I walked over to Lady Godiva and as tactfully as I could, said "Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow open drink containers in the library".
A RevelationPhun's Bonus Butt Gallery #174 Is A Revelation. - Messed HerThis Is A Perfect Example Of An Inexperienced Girl Who Just Doesn't Know What To Expect When A Dick Cums And That Leads To A Funny And Messy Situation. - Came InsideBig Tit Teen - "He Came Inside Me!" - Fucking DeadFucking You Is Just Like Fucking The Dead - Nice MingeJuno Temple Is Hot, Now That I Realize Who Juno Temple Even Is. Who Even Is Juno Temple! I Would Ask Myself At Night Before Falling Asleep... - Dita's NipsDita Von Teese Boobs In Lace Dress On The Runway - PerfectKatee Life Skinny Dips In A Lake! - Bullseye!Leigh Raven Has A Stretched Butthole - Scared HerPoor Thing Wasnt Expecting That - Ran For Her Life! - Sub SlutYoung Subslut Luna Rival Ass Fucked Roughly Before Creampie
Sneaky MumIf Only She Put This Amount Of Effort Into Bribing A Dean To Get Suzie To The Top Of Her Class, She Wouldn't Have To Resort To Flashing Gash Next To The All-Wheel Drive Hybrids. - DesecrateTotally Trashed Teen Lets Dude Desecrate Her Face In The Limo - Busty BuffyBusty Buffy Roughly Titty Fucked For Cum On Tits - Oh It Hurts11 People Definitely Having A Shittier Day Than You - AliEx PornOne of the biggest companies to go public is China’s Alibaba...they sell made in china shit directly to anyone, avoiding the middle man. Ans now sellers are using nudity to sell. Look at some of this shit... brilliant! - Funny DumpPhun.org Funny Pictures Dump #319 That Achieves Greatness In Literally Every Single Way Possible. Literally. - For Reals???This Cock Can't Be Real... Can It...? - Ali TylerWould Very Much Like To Spend A Day With Allison Tyler! - Pure BeefInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Thick GirlsWe're All Different And Like Different Things - So I Thought There Will Be For Sure Many Of You Who Will Appreciate These Ladies? Am I Right?!
Fully LoadedHere Are 5 Examples Of Oral Creampie's That Are Just Too Big To Handle Where The Girl Has Only 1 Option, Just Let It Go, It Will Stop Eventually. - Great 3-waySurprise Threesome: She Gave Her Boyfriend A Girl For Valentine's Day - Would SmashSexy And Slightly Spooky Set Of Alina Posing Nude In The Woods! If I Lost My Compass While On A Hike, I’d Be Very Happy To Bump Into Her! - Amazing ButtDemi Rose Photoshoot With A Coconut And A Big Ass - So Much PainInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Fukn WRONGThis Mature Couple Is Having Sex With A Younger Guy, Just A Normal Cuckold Session But Wait What Hubby Does At The End, He Eats Out His Wife's Pussy, Just Filled With Cum From A Stranger. - Slut DaughterUnderstanding Your Daughters BBC Addiction - Sex TribeOnce The Savage Tribal Women Get You They'll Devour Your Soul And Cock - StupidityTip Of The Day: Don't Give Your Nut Sac To Strangers
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge" Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
NASA has just released a new theory on the cause of Mars changing from warm and wet to cold and dry. It got married.
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand-new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand-new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon.
So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these". And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those".
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
Previously on Orsm: MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS #1
A little boy who was obviously retarded was attending an elementary school which was not too far from the local high school. This was temporary as he was having problems in school and his mother hoped his grandmother would be more luck.
He attends the first day of school with no problem but he decides to stay after everyone leaves for a project, then afterwards he is walking home from school and he sees the high school and a lone car in the middle of the football field.
Curious, he goes up to the car where he sees a guy and a girl having sex. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off and landed in the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch. The guy notices the condom is missing and sees the obviously retarded little boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.
He says to the little boy "Hey, gimme that damn thing back!" The little boy replies "No, its my twinkie!"
The man again persists "Give it back now or I'll kick your arse!" The little boy replies "But no, its my twinkie!"
Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says
"Look kid, if you give it back I'll give you $20 okay?"
Quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could. He flings open the door and his grandmother quickly greets him. He is so excited about the previous event he yells at the top of his lungs "Grandma, Grandma some guy gave me 20 dollars for a twinkie, even though I sucked all the creme filling out!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
nOPE - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ATTRACTIVE ABOUT GIRLS WITH SHORT HAIR................................
Previously on Orsm: SHORT HAIRED GIRLS #3 - SHORT HAIRED GIRLS #2 - SHORT HAIRED GIRLS #1
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THE MANY KINDS OF POO
THE GHOST POO:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POO:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO:
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO:
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO:
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO:
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO:
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO:
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO:
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO:
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO:
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO:
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER:
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER:
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO:
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO:
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO:
This is any poo created in the presence of another person.
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterised by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO:
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO:
Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER:
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO:
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO:
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO:
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of pooing - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO:
Also known as a "Still Going" poo.
THE NUCLEAR POO:
It's a Kind A Poo That Happens when you eat the ghost chili. Combo of The Bombshell and the second wave. this poo will ruin your bathroom and clears the house. WARNING: it will hurt your ASS & Rip ya a new One!
THE POWER DUMP POO:
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)
THE SPINAL TAP POO:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POO:
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO:
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO:
When the bag of Dorito's you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" POO:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT POO ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POO SHOE BASTARD" POO:
No explanation required.
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialled a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you" he said. "As for my wife, she finally figured out that I was cheating on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read "I could see your feet you idiot. I'll bring the car around, get dressed, we're going to dinner".
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Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five-year-old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee they has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened, she realises that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look".
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it!"
Previously on Orsm: INDIAN GIRLS BE LIKE #1
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team". About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained "I think I need a breath of fresh air". The man continued "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians".
OLDER SHITE: March 14th - March 7th - February 28th - February 21st - February 14th - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard".
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.
HARD NIPPLES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Previously: ASHLEY - JASMINE - ALEXIS - BELLA - SATI - ERIN - ABELLA - MASHA - DINA - NANCE - MORE >>
And we come to the end. Read on though... it may save you wondering a stupid question.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... when I remember to post stuff that is.
-Check out the archives. They are bigger than my friend Ray's ego (if that's even possible).
-Next update will be next Thursday. Staring down April WTF!?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will not stop the harrassment until you agree Christchurch was most likely a false flag operation.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and eggs g'bad for you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.