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orsmupdate 2018.09.13-23.50

Welcome to I'm the one that I want hoo hoo hoo.

Running a little late with this one although if you usually check the update any other time than Thursday night (my time that is) then it won't bother you in the slightest. It's been a pretty mental week - there's been some changes around the site which you may or may not notice; mostly to the video player. Of course, when I sat down last week to get it all happening it seemed relatively straightforward... but NOPE! Obstacle after fucking obstacle and each one took a little nibble here and there and suddenly the week has gone to shit. The biggest issue was SSL. Ever played with that? Its how your browser knows a website is safe. I'll have to take their word for it because fuck if I know what was happening. A whole lot of support tickets with techs and SSL support folks eventually got it resolved. And yes, *I* was the problem. All finally came good in the end thankfully. We've also updated to the player blah blah etc, so on and so forth.

The next clusterfuck is my NAS (Network Attached Storage) - basically a big hard drive. You see, I cleverly use two of them at home to backup my data. One as the main storage and the other to back that one up. The backup NAS failed without warning about a month ago. Overpriced piece of shit with a long history of eating hard drives and dicks. And then yesterday the other/main NAS failed. What are the chances? Don't know what happens next but one of them is hopefully salvageable to recover my data back otherwise there's going to be a very uncomfortable convo with the GF about having lost all the family photos.

Annnnnyway lets get rolling. This update is pure fucking brilliance. Can't really sell it beyond that, can I? By the way - if you have any issues playing videos please drop me an email! Check it...


A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her. When he finished and was still panting, the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam" said the gardener.
At a medical conference recently, delegates were deliberating on what name to give to a major breakthrough in sex-change procedures. A fast, new procedure which can instantly change a woman into a man was unveiled. They sat for hours trying to think out a name. "We have hysterectomies, vaginoplasties, penectomies, mastectomies, and so on and so forth. What on earth do we call this new operation? "Until one young doctor jumped up and said excitedly "How about we call it the addadicktome?"
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you". "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really" says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No" she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewellery do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah"... she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks". "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce" answers Mary. Sorry" John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much".
Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
3. You are proud of your lawn mower.
4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.
5. You can sing along with elevator music.
6. Someone calls your house at 8pm, and asks "Did I wake you up?"
One day these two best friends Steve and Bob were walking through the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick. Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick quick! I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis". The doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself!" Bob asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom!?" The doctor says "Sorry there's nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Steve says with pain " So what did the doctor say?" Bob says" That your gonna die".
A woman walks in to a gynaecologist's office. He looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window because she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes - you're checking for any broken or damaged skin". "Yes" he replies. He then begins to fondle her tits "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her. "Yes - your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous". "Yes" he replied. Then he mounted her... and started having sex with her... "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her. "Yep - you're getting herpes! Which is why I came to see you in the first place".

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Great ServiceWaitresses In Germany Really Take Care Of Their Customers... - Dirty DaddyA Couple Of Daughter's Swap Daddies... And Body Fluids. - HOT GingerWatch This Busty Ginger Masturbating With A Dildo - About Time!There's Just No Forgetting You Did Something Like This. Their Throats Will Be Forever Agaped. The Chronic Oral Queefing Has Already Set In. They're Essentially Walking, Talking Whoopie Cushions And Yet... They Remain In Good Spirits. - DumpsInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Tiiiiny TeenTiny Teen Plays With A Massive Cock - Talking Shit5 People Learn The Meaning Of "Talk Shit, Get Hit" - Fine As F!Candice Swanepoel Looking Fine As Fuck In A Bikini On A Beach Somewhere. - 1/2 SistersHalf Sisters, All Awesome - Close BJBlowjob, Mouthfuck Deepthroat And Close Up Cum In Mouth

Rose's TitsRose McGowan Goes Fully Topless On Her Instagram - Red BikiniCamila Morrone Is A Model From Argentina, And She Is Currently In The News A Lot Because Leonardo Di Caprio Is Reportedly Sticking His Dick In Her. Looking At These Pics Of Camila’s Boobs In A Red Bikini. I Can See Why He Would. - Ama 3way - But Why!?Nothing Makes A Road Trip Fly By Faster Then Riding A 12-Inch Dildo? - Hard SexedTeen's First Porn Gets Painful As Her Ass Gets Pulled Inside Out - Love 'Em!Phun's Bonus Butts #145 - Boning HerLoud Little Girl Screams Bloody Murder As Her Pipes Get Cleaned - Obvo Much?Her Idea Of A Lunch Date Is Getting Fucked... Chicks From Belgium Are Slutty! - Lake AnalCouple Has Anal Sex On A Jetski In Public - Ama ChixInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck!

Pay GapPROOF: The Gender Pay Gap Is Bullshit - Model TitsKate Dyakonova Nude Photoshoot - Hand-PickedPhun.com's Phunny Pictures 287 - Att. SeekingAngelique Morgan Braless In See Through Pink Top - Rockin' ItChristine McGuinness Is A British Model And She Was Seen Wearing A Red Dress While Leaving A Spa In London! Her Tits Are BIG And That's About All You Need To Know. :- - Tinder WinLook At What I Found On Tinder... And Fucked! - Train SexThere's Nothing Quite Like An Obedient Asian GF... LOL! - Orgasms - Debt Cleared"Don't Have Insurance...? OK, LETS FUCK THEN!" - Nasty SlutAmateur Girlfriend Loves Cock In Her Mouth, Even When It's Pissing

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart? "That's easy" he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks".
Donald Trump was recently asked "Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?" He thought for a few seconds then replied " I don't know which is which but I know they sung 'I GOT YOU BABE'..."
I gave my misses an orgasm, but the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased" she said. "I'm sure you're right" replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it" said Helen. "Thirty thousand". "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone". Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats".


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I never get sick of these sorts of things - obviously there's amusement in other people's pain but if nothing else there's valuable lessons in how not be one... unless that's your thing then they just remain valuable lessons. Checm 'em...

-My girlfriend and I went on holiday with a load of my mates the week before I had a major job interview. On day two, I went diving but my girlfriend stayed with my mates and spent the whole time telling them how amazing I was. We go out that night, she kisses another girl and spends day three hanging out together. She initially shrugs it off as a joke. Then she decides it isn't a joke. As we are breaking up she asks "But, do you really want to be with someone who is going to cheat on you?" Then she offers to be my wingman for the rest of the holiday.

-He broke up with me via a Facebook message. A FACEBOOK MESSAGE. When we lived on the same floor in the dorm at college. That is the equivalent of a Post-It note in today's society. Apparently face to face was too hard for him.

-My girlfriend and I had been on the rocks for ages and I was on the verge of ending it. I went out to a club with my friends and bumped into a girl from work. I didn't fancy her but in my drunken state decided if I kissed her then there was no going back, and I would feel so guilty I would have to dump my girlfriend. It took me three days, but I did it.

-So I'm about to jump in the shower and my boyfriend texts me saying that he's going to head over early, the night before we had made plans to go out. A little while later he pokes his head in the bathroom to let me know that he was there and that he'd hang out in my room to wait for me. I get out of the shower all wrapped in my towel, open my door, and he's there sitting on the edge of my bed with a piece of paper in his hand. I was still in my towel. "You're breaking up with me aren't you?" He shakes his head yes "I wrote you a letter. Do you wanna get dressed first?" "A LETTER?! YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME IN A LETTER?! WTF?!" "Just read it". "Read it in front of you?!" So yeah, I read it. This jerk didn't even rewrite the letter. There were words scratched out. Favourite one was "... I don't love you anymore". When the original line clearly said "... I don't love you as much anymore". I read the whole two-page letter in my towel while he said absolutely nothing.

-Broke up with a girl after she had done so much for me. She wanted to move in together and I felt she was just moving way too fast. I hadn't realised what day it was and it turned out I broke up with her on her birthday.

-I shared all my firsts with my first serious boyfriend and invested a lot of my identity in him. We were together for two years or so, and it took me nearly two more years before I felt comfortable moving on. I became the hysterical crying girl in high school. You don't want to be that girl. Ah, homecoming, what a nice time! Oh wait, you miss your ex so you better go cry in the bathroom. Oh boy, it's your birthday and you're at Oktoberfest with your friends! Nope, gotta be sad about all the couples around you and go cry under a tree. Wanna see a movie? Sure thing, just need to step outside the theatre and cry for some ridiculous reason related to your ex. I've had really awful breakups since, but that first one bothered me for so long. I didn't think I'd ever be happy or fall in love again.

-It was just a few days after Valentine's Day (where he gave me a card saying something like "I can't believe we've been dating this long but I love it and you". We spent the afternoon together - he bought me lunch and we walked around Walmart. We went back to my apartment and he walked me to my door and before I went inside he said "I don't know how to say this, but"... and proceeded to break up with me. Note to all guys out there: Don't take a girl to lunch and then break up with her an hour later.

-After being single for a year, I jumped back into the dating pool and was randomly introduced to a guy by his sister. Great guy, was totally what I wanted in someone, and we seemed to be hitting it off great. I met his family, we talked about going on trips together (we love to travel) and so on. But one random, random day he texted me and said "Let's get dinner and talk about where we see things going. I do not think I'm ready for a relationship and think you are". I knew exactly where this was going. I kindly responded that there might be a misunderstanding and that we could talk. POOF, never, ever heard from the dude again. He did the famous disappearing act.

-I once dated this guy in high school. One day I walked out of class to find my friend holding a calculator (you know, the graphing ones that you can type letters into) and she told me to read it. He had written me a message telling me he thinks it's better this way and that this represented our relationship. He broke up with me through a graphing calculator. A. GRAPHING. CALCULATOR.

-Broke up with her completely out of the blue after two years. I never talked to her about how incompatible I felt in the relationship because she would tell her parents all of our problems and I didn't want that pressure. It devastated her, as she had been talking to her friends about marriage or moving in with me. But we couldn't have been on a more different page, and I did it all at once with no warning or signs. We were 23.

-It was a case of be apart or die together. Our relationship was nuts - loads of partying, crazy sex. We were mad about each other. We stayed up all night shouting, crying and kissing and eventually broke up. In the morning I crept out and haven't seen her since, but I still think about her.

-I was engaged to be married to a guy. We had dated in high school, broken up, gotten back together a decade or so later, and had a wonderful relationship. Or so I thought. It was long distance, but we were just months away from our wedding, so I quit my job, gave notice on my apartment, all that good stuff. Days later, he calls me and says "I love you, but I don't want to marry you or have you move down here". Completely devastated. But, after running away for a week, my boss gave me my job back and my landlord was cool. Things were slowly getting on track... then I got a call. I had won one of those damn "win the dress of your dreams" contests in Bride Magazine. I asked them to give it to someone else.

Want more? There's more in the Orsm archives here and here.

Sorcerers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6



Previously on Orsm: CREEPING #5 - CREEPING #4 - CREEPING #3 - CREEPING #2 - CREEPING #1 - MORE >

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,

that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".


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A man has been undergoing medical treatment and meets with his doctor to review some tests.

DOCTOR: "I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order".

MAN: "That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!"

DOCTOR: "No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working".

MAN: "I'll try anything... what about experimental treatments?"

DOCTOR: "There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid".

MAN, desperate: "Maybe alternate medicine??"

DOCTOR, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist... you can go to the spa up the road every day and get a mud bath".

MAN: "Really? That will help?"

DOCTOR: "No, but it will get you used to dirt".




ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.
--Jimmy Carr

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
--Robert Benchley

I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
--Sue Murphy

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
--Jeremy Limb

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
--Buzz Belmondo

Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.
--Vic Reeves

How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
--Jim Samuels

If you're being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
--Milton Jones

You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple" I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water"...
--Michael Prichard

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high".
--Mark Pitta

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?
--Rich Hall

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labour, they go straight into management.
--Jake Johansen

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
--Jimmy Carr

I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter".
--Mark Guido

One day my father took me aside and left me there.
--Jackie Vernon

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
--Emo Philips

I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.
--Steve Kravitz

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
--Will Kommen

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
--Henry Youngman

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
--Steven Wright

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said "Mum, go for it!"
--Fred Reiss

There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
--Paul Merton

I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I get out of the chair when I'm not expecting it.
--Dylan Moran

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
--Jack Whitehall

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
--Les Dawson

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.
--Bo Burnham

I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian, and we're sceptical.
--Arthur C. Clark

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
--Gary Delaney

First the doctor told me the good news - I was going to have a disease named after me.
--Steve Martin

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
--Emo Philips

I don't like all this fresh air. I'm from Los Angeles. I don't trust any air I can't see.
--Bob Hope

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
--Gary Delaney

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problems?'
--Emo Philips

For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
--Robert White

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
--Mark Twain

I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I wanted was a crossbow.
--Sean Lock

I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner

Dad can you get my coat? "Erm no son that is in the cupboard and that is where the goblins live".
--Russell Howard

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
--Woody Allen

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I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO!!!"

I said "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway.



CHANGING ROOM SELFIES previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A priest and a nun are on a donkey in the desert the donkey dies of exhaustion the priest says to the nun "I haven't really seen a woman naked before". The nun says "Oh is that so?" The priest then says "Yes it is true... will you please get naked for me while we spend our soon to be last hours in the desert?" The nun says "Yes I will, Father" and strips down to her birthday suit.

The priest looks at her vagina and says "What's that?" The nun says "It's my black hole - you stick things in it and it brings life!" The priest says "Oh really?" The nun nods.

Shortly after the nun says "I haven't ever seen a man naked - will you please get naked for me as I did for you?" "Indeed" replies the priest and quickly strips down to his birthday suit.

The nun stares at his penis and eventually says "What's that?" The priest reply's "That's my staff of life - you stick it in black holes and it brings life!" The nun reply's "Well stick it up the donkey's black hole and let's get moving!"


RANDOM SHITE 2018 09 13

OLDER SHITE: 6th September - 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - 2nd August - 26th July - 19th July - MORE >>

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A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true". says the old pilot. "But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's!"



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary "I won the prize for the Best Toast Of The Night".

She said "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife". "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary".

She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".





Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I'll be sure to remind you again next week in case you forget...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming up on 19 years of Orsm around there too would you believe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will capture you one day when you're not expecting it. You'll be drugged and taken to his secret lair where he'll peform a reverse gastric sleeve surgery on you. The difference is he'll be making your stomach over 80% larger meaning you will always feel hungry.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it awks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.