Welcome to mental health issues as a crutch.
I'm not gonna lie - this update is all brilliance. It absorbed a significant chunk of my week and I think the results speak for themselves. Also, I'm fucking hungry and aren't going to write any things else at the top here. So do what checkers do and... check it...
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says "Convert to Catholicism and get $20". Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe" replies Murray "I'm thinking of doing it". Abe says "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says "Abe, I'm going to do it". With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So" asks Abe "did you convert?" "Yes, I did" says Murray. "Did you get your twenty dollars?" Murray looks at Abe and says "Is that all you people think about?"
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into the Old Man's drink. After a while, the Old Man excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. "What in the world happened?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well" he answered "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom, so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.
Doctor" the embarrassed man said "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do". The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett" the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on". The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either".
My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Sarah didn't turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said "Her mother died suddenly last night I'm afraid and she's still trying to come to grips with the situation". "Oh No! That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Is she coping okay?" "Pretty well considering" I replied. "She's just cooked me a breakfast, scrubbed the floor, and she's on her second load of washing".
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
This bloke goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every day I wake up and shag my wife before we get out of bed. Then when she's gone to work, I go downstairs and take the maid from behind while she's washing the dishes. After that I take the car pool to work, and when it's down to just the last woman and me, we climb into the back seat for a quickie. Then, when I get to my office, I shag my secretary over her desk and do some work before the tea lady comes around mid-morning, and shag her over mine. I spend my lunch hour at my girlfriend's place and we manage to fit in a few before I go back to work. The tea lady comes back in the afternoon and I shag her again, and give another one to my secretary before I leave for the day. When I get home, I take the maid again, and then have a quickie with my wife when she gets back. Finally, we have another in bed at night before going to sleep". "I don't understand, what help do you need from me?" asks the doctor. "It hurts when I jack off".
A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town. A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to the local lad and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the migrant the job". "And why would you do that?" replied the guy "We both got 19 questions right! Surely I should get the job over a foreigner?" The manager responded "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong". "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" He said. That's simple. On question number 7 the migrant wrote down 'I don't know' and you put down 'neither do I'".
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes. "What the fuck happened to you?" I asked. "This is what happens when you drink 14 stubbies of Foster's" she replied. "That's bullshit" I said, looking in the mirror "I drank 14 stubbies of Foster's last night and my face is fine".
A new army recruit was sent to his first overseas posting and the base commander greeted him. "I think you'll like it here. We keep ourselves well entertained" said the commander. "On Monday nights we have poker". "Oh, I don't gamble, sir" the recruit told him. "That's alright" said the commander. "On Tuesday we have drinks, and on Wednesday the local slappers come and pleasure us in every way imaginable". "But I don't drink and I choose not to associate with loose women" protested the recruit. "What are you... gay?" bellowed the commander. "Certainly not!" answered the recruit. "You're really going to hate Thursdays and Fridays, then".
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying "Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established". The bank manager said to the clerk "You'd better do what he says, I think he means business".
Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.
Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".
Jim and his friends venture over to view the ritual, and see an old man sitting on a bar stool in the middle of the crowd, with a long line jutting from it. When asked what's going on, a woman from the group tells Jim that everyone takes turns lugging the man upside his head, and whoever knocks him off the stool wins $50.
The old man looked very weathered, but sat up straight with a demanding presence.
Jim wasn't very comfortable with the idea of hitting an old man, but his friends urged him on. After a good five minutes of waiting, it was his turn to swing. Coyly, he threw a weak jab at the old man's cheek.
Sensing his hesitation, the old man urged him to hit as hard as he could. So Jim pulled his arm back once more, and propelled his fist violently into the old man's left temple, and he fell from the stool, the whole crowd silent with shock. Then the crowd suddenly roared with cheering, joyous that someone had finally knocked the old man off of his throne.
The old man slowly pulled himself off the ground, and after dusting himself off, began reaching into his wallet to reward the Jim with the promised payment, but before he could, he bet that Jim couldn't knock him down once more. Jim was still uneasy about what he'd just done, but the encouragement from the crowd persuaded him to take the bet.
The old man sat himself back on the stool, and prepared for the blow to come. Jim pulled back his hand, and like a plane from a runway, sent his fist into the old man's jaw. The sound was like the cracking of a whip, and it shook the souls of everyone in the bar. The old man hit the floor, throwing up the dust of the wooden boards. The crowd went ballistic, cheering for Jim and his victory. The old man took a few minutes to stand back up, and was struck with confusion. After he finally regained his composure, he payed Jim $100 for his double knockout and sat down at a table.
With his reward, Jim bought the whole crowd a round of drinks, and had a great time the rest of the night.
That next weekend, Jim and his friends were thinking of things to do. He proposed they return to the bar, and they did. When they entered, scattered cheers filled the room, emanating from some of those who viewed his show of strength a week earlier. And in the corner was the old man, back on his stool, another great crowd around him.
One thing led to another, and Jim was in line to pummel the old man once more. When his turn had come, the old man sneered at him, proclaiming he had trained for this the past week, hoping Jim would return to the bar. Jim, uncaring of the old man's teases, swung and knocked the old man from his chair. He received his $50 and him and his friends spent it all on alcohol.
Jim capitalised on his odd talent for punching the elderly and took his friends to the bar every weekend, almost never having to pay for their drinks, using his swing money instead. He grew to enjoy hitting the old man so much he would sometimes simply go to the bar by himself. He'd even go during the week, when the bar was less busy, so there was no punchline.
Previously on Orsm: NUDISTS #4 - NUDISTS #3 - NUDISTS #2 - NUDISTS #1 - MORE >>
So, aliens from Mars come down to Earth and they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the Pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen" the Pope starts to ask "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The Pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The Pope exclaims "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the Pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate".
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
Previously: CUTE #10 - CUTE #9 - CUTE #8 - CUTE #7 - CUTE #6 - CUTE #5 - CUTE #4 - CUTE #3 - CUTE #2 - CUTE #1
Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.
Worried he won't remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his remember her name, which incidentally was Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny he would repeat to himself over and over.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The whole next day at work, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
On the train on the way home, Fanny with and 'r', Franny over and over.
In the shower while getting ready Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
In the car in the way to pick her up, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Finally, he arrives at her house. Rings the door bell and repeats to himself one last time Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The door opens and standing there's is the young lady's father "can I help you?" he asks. "Yes" says the young man "is Crunt home?"
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A husband and wife were driving home in their car one Saturday evening when a traffic officer pulls them over.
"Good evening sir" says the cop. "Good evening officer, what seems to be the problem?" says the husband with a friendly and cooperative smile. "Sir, I noticed one of your headlights is not working; I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you a ticket".
"Oh officer" says the man "this is honestly the first I know of it, last night both were still working brilliantly, I check them regularly, but tonight I forgot".
"Rubbish!" the wife chips in. "Officer, I've been telling him about it for a month now, and he still hasn't fixed the damn thing".
The husband turns to his wife and under his breath he says to her: "What the fuck woman?! Would you shut your mouth? What the hell are you doing?"
"Umm" the officer interrupts "I see your one wiper-blade is perished too sir, I'm afraid that's another ticket". "Oh officer, that's the first I know of it, honestly, I just replaced the things a week ago! Must have been a defective pair I bought". says the man, very humbly.
"Oh c'mon! Officer, that thing's been like that for two months, longer than the headlight! Every time it rains, I nearly crash because I can't see through the windscreen. He just refuses to listen to me asking him to fix it" the wife interjects again.
"What the FUCK!!!?" the husband grumbles to her under his breath. "Are you stupid? What the fuck are you doing woman?!"
The officer leans into the car and says "Ma'am, is your husband always this rude to you?" "Oh no" she answers. "Only when he's had too much to drink!"
Previously: UPSKIRTS #6 - UPSKIRTS #5 - UPSKIRTS #4 - UPSKIRTS #3 - UPSKIRTS #2 - UPSKIRTS #1 - MORE >
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A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark".
After a pause, the instructor added "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
GIRLS IN AMAZING BIKINIS previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life".
After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a 'proxy' to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said "I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon".
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. "Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to..." "Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon." "He did? But I..." "Come right in! No use wasting time!" "Very well, then".
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. "As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies." "Good, I'm glad," said Mrs. Jacobs. "That's just what Harry and I were looking for".
"I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed" said the photographer.
"The living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out". "Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me". "Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results".
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly" Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure". "Don't I know!" said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. "This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London" he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with".
He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. "She was difficult?" questioned Mrs. Jacobs. "Extremely" said the photographer. "I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look." "Four and five deep!" Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. "Yes" said the photographer. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in".
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. "You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, umm... equipment?" "Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.
"Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod". "Tripod..? " Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
"Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
"Ma'am... MA'AM... good God, she's fainted!"
Previously: PALE #6 - PALE #5 - PALE #4 - PALE #3 - PALE #2 - PALE #1 - MORE >>
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
Previously: 13th Feb. - 6th Feb. - 30th Jan. - 23rd Jan. - 16th Jan. - 9th Jan. - 2nd Jan. - Xmas I & II & III & IV - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A woman goes to the doctor to ask about options to get bigger breasts. After talking to the doc, she decides that all of the options are either too risky or too expensive.
As she is leaving the doc says "Well there is one thing you could try, but you have to do it EVERY DAY". He tells her to rub her chest and say "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
She leaves the office, thinking the doctor is out of his mind.
However, after thinking a while she figures "Why not? It's free, it's easy... what do I have to lose?"
So, every morning before work she chants: "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
After a few weeks it begins to work! She is thrilled.
One morning a few weeks later she wakes up late for work. She rushes to catch the bus without doing her daily chant.
She doesn't want to miss even one day, so she goes to the back of the bus and whispers while rubbing her chest "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
The man sitting in front of her turns around and says "Excuse me. Are you a patient of Dr. Fletcher?" Embarrassed, she says "Yes. Why do you ask?" And the guy says "Hickory Dickory Dock..."
Paddy was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach but had trouble making it with any of the girls there. So, he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke".
"They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya mate... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everyone on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away and laughing, looking sick.
Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him "What's wrong now?" "JEEPERS mate!!" said the lifeguard "The potato goes in the front!"
VIOLETTE PINK at Pornhub:
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Previously: ALEXIS ADAMS - NICI DEE - CADENCE LUX - NAOMI BENNET - AUBREY MARIE - MEGAN JONES - MORE >>
This woman is at her hairdresser and she says "I'm going to Rome on holiday". "Oh really" he says "what airline are you taking?" She says "Alitalia". He says "Alitalia? Are you crazy? That's terrible, don't take that!".
He says "Where are you gonna stay?" She says "I'm gonna stay at The Hassler". "The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They're renovating the Hassler. You'll hear hammering all night long. You won't sleep!"
"What are you gonna see?" She says "I think I'm going to try to go to the Vatican". "The Vatican? You'll be standing in line all day long!"
So, she goes to Rome, she comes back, and the hairdresser says "How was it?" She says "It was a great trip, it was wonderful!" "How was the Vatican?" "Wonderful! We happened to meet the Pope". "You met the Pope?" "Yeah, and he spoke to me". "What did he say to you?" "He said, 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"
Well my work here is DONE. Finito. Finished. Complete. All over. But...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time.
-Check out the archives. 20+ years of one mans coming of age... and quite a lot of porn.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly - do I ever let you guys down?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punch your kids on the face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a clean dick. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.