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orsmupdate 2018.07.12-20.27

Welcome to always the Padawan never the Jedi.

Have been smashing it hard this week. Have got absolutely shit loads done but can't help but think it's for nothing. Why? Because its quiet. Or at least it feels quiet. Something to do with all you fuckers in the stupid hemisphere enjoying the summer whilst we flounder in the cold one. Also have a feeling that I'm just inventing reasons to reinforce to myself, and for that matter pretty much anyone who will listen, that I'm in dire need of a week or two break. Preferably somewhere warm, where weekday drinking is okay, maybe even a sleep-in past 7am thrown in for good measure. I know it's a lot to ask for but one can dream. Or they can check it...


THIS IS NOT A SCAM. If you're 18 or older and you looking to receive $300 to $800 a week. Go get a fucking job.
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Two old boys got together to do some fishing. One of them brought along a jar of 'shine' to sip on while they were fishing. After an hour or so it had gotten hot and the minnows were moving pretty slow in the bucket so one of them drizzled a little 'shine' into the minnow bucket and they perked right up. So he re-baited his hook, did a quick dip with the minnow in the 'shine' and cast it out on the water. The bait had barely settled when the line started to sing off the reel. He pulled up on the pole, got the fish turned around and started reeling it in. It was pull up on the pole and crank in the slack. Pull and crank, pull and crank and the fish finally came alongside the boat. It was a 30-inch pike and the minnow had it right by the jaw.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Standing at the teller's window, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write a check. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says without missing a beat "Well, that's great... that's just great... some arseholes got my pen!"
The teacher asked "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?" Mary answered "A chicken gives eggs!" The teacher then asked "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?" And Paul answered "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally, the teacher asked "Well now, who can tell me what a cow gives?" And Little Johnny replied "Homework and lessons!"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde " They're watch dogs!"
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word". The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium. The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it".
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?" The husband: "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

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Blonde MinxBusty Amateur Blonde Gets Wild And Naked - Funny PixFunny Pictures DCCXIII - Virgin..?12 Seconds In Paradise - Gaga BikiniLady Gaga Bikini - Your Thoughts? (Be Honest!) - Revenge PornEx-Girlfriend Revenge! Dude Shares His Hawt Exes Fuck Pics Online - Slut WifeGang Banged On The Beach = Scarring A Tourist For Life! - Twitch TitsTwitch Streamer Had Her Live Stream Screenshotted And Posted Online - Library StripSomething Is Wrong Here... Masturbating In A Public Library?? - PerfectionNohar Batit Is A Busty Israeli Girl. She Looks Like One Of These Hot Army Women. Also Got Very Nice Tits And She Likes To Wear Bikinis. If There's A Prize She Should Win. - BimboChloe Ferry Braless In See Throug

Lil SuckerPerfect Little Cock Sucker Does Exactly As She's Told - Don't TipThe Single Worst Camshow In Russia - No HumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Pump PowerDAMN... Dude's Got The Pumping Power Of A Jack Hammer! - Attention WhoreWow, Being An Attention Whore Really Back Fired On Her Virgin Butthole! - Bit ObviousFucking At The Park?? Never Doing That Again... - Dry AnalNever Video Yourself Crying During Dry Anal... Never - Gettin' Rekt27 People Definitely Having A Shittier Day Than You - G F-ing DamnIt's Not Often, That A Pornstar's Is So Hot, That She Could Easily Also Work As A Victoria's Secret Runway Model. But In Lily Ivy's Case It's Certainly True. She's Super-Hot And We Can Be Glad She Choose Porn Over Modelling!

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word - ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said "Soup's cold". His astonished mother exclaimed "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you've never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied "Up until now, everything's been okay".
The sales assistant showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'" said the sales assistant. "It's $285 a bottle". "Listen" the man shot back "for $285 a bottle, I don't want something called 'Perhaps' I want something called... "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes" replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies". "Wowwww" the girl exclaims "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, it's hard to tell the difference. It also gets you banned from Aldi.


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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks "What are you up to?" Alice smiles and says "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife up safely in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back towards his wife's location.

As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife, and again he hears her yell "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"



LOVE ME SOME VAGINA previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you".

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.

"Congratulations for WHAT?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty". "That's simply impossible son" says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets".


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Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.

"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard... "ED!! WAKE UP! You're shitting in the bed!"



ASSES previously: #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: DR. GEEZER'S CLINIC. GET YOUR TREATMENT FOR $500. IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So, he went to see Dr. Geezer.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh!! This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500".

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young, now down a cool $1000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything".
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.

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Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".

The driver says "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating".

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control".

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher".

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".

The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving".

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking".



CATWALK NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral of the story: Don't be late.


RANDOM SHITE 2018 07 12

OLDER SHITE: 5th July - 28th June - 21st June - 14th June - 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - 17th May - MORE >>

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A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop".

"Now John, things could be worse" said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!"

"But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it... my damn pants fell down".

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!"



Previously on Orsm: REAL WIVES #3 - REAL WIVES #2 - REAL WIVES #1 - MORE >>

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son.

The son says "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies".

Dad asks "What movie did you watch?" Son says "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son.

Son says "OK, OK. We were watching porn!" Dad says "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son". The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.




A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, in Room 302".

The operator replied "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse". After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday".

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news". The operator replied "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said "No, I'm Noreen in room 302. No one tells me shit!"


Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. What else are you gonna go do? Spennd time with your 'friends'?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Has admittedly been a struggle to hit deadline lately but that hasn’t stopped me... yet.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will put the soccer team back in the cave.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my front lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.