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orsmupdate 2021.05.13-19.53

Welcome to BTW I hate abbreviations LOL.

I'm still recovering from the trauma of last weeks ill-fated server move. Let's hope we don't have to go through another one of those anytime soon! After days of sitting in front of my computer it got to Saturday afternoon and I was like "Fuck this shit" and headed out and get some exercise and clear my brain... followed up by a large glass of wine. Meanwhile, a guy I didn't even know stepped in and saved the day; did what 4 other 'freelancers' completely and utterly failed to do. When you, know you know I guess. Massive thank you to Andrew who got things ticking that evening. Also a big shoutout to everyone who emailed. Literally hundreds of you guys dropped a line asking what was up, checking if I was okay and all that. Was honestly very much appreciated. Did my best to reply to as many as I could but my inbox got overwhelmed and I was busy trying to fix stuff. Anyway, today should be the first real test of the new server. Hopefully you can watch videos quickly and smoothly... otherwise all this pain may have been for nothing! If you encounter any probs then please drop me a line with any relevant info. In the meantime, go forth and enjoy the hot new, freshness. Check it...

There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'Fine I'll give you free drink just please shut the fuck up".
What's the difference between pussy and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers into a bowling ball.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Donald was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Donald responds "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single".
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins". Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves".
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!" To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading "LOWEST PRICES!" He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read "MAIN ENTRANCE".
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!" The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever. She said, she's sorry she ever married me.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. When he reached his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home. One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes" the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" "Put him on the phone" the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions".

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As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight Watchers, I muttered under my breath "Fat fucking cows". "What was that?" snapped my wife. "You herd".
I finally tried a kangaroo beer. You can definitely taste the hops!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
After hot passionate sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response...


The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away". The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the forest animals returned to the wise old tree for advice. This time the wise old tree suggested that the birds swoop down and peck the loggers to disrupt their work day.

This too worked for a while until the loggers hired some falconers to hunt the birds. Soon there were not enough birds to halt their progress so the loggers resumed.

At this point the loggers were getting very close to the wise old tree, so the forest animals came back once more to see what the tree had to say. The wise old tree then suggested that all the squirrels and mice chew through the cables of the loggers' power tools, saws and other equipment so that the tools could no longer cut down the trees. While this did slow the loggers down, they quickly switched to manual saws and axes while their mechanised equipment was repaired and carried on.

The day eventually came where the loggers had reached the wise old tree in the middle of the forest and chopped it down.

Later that night the remaining forest animals sadly visited the dying tree and asked one last time if there was anything they could do to save the rest of the forest.

The tree let out a weak sigh and said "Sorry guys, I'm completely stumped".



Previously on Orsm: BUTT PLUGS #1 - MORE >>


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A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".

The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".

I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places".




So, a man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here".

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some mouldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realise how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armour blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there".

So, the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring.

Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the mouldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money.

The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line". The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come" the beggar told him "I'll take you to the evening meal". So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendee's line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line" and then he added "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well, the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it" he thought "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realised he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself, he realised he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice-cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat" he said before turning to the next line "and that's the line for angel dust stew" then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied "There appears to be no punchline".



Aliens visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?" "You mean JC?" responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing okay". Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"



AVERAGE GIRLS previously: AVG. #9 - AVG. #8 - AVG. #7 - AVG. #6 - AVG. #5 - AVG. #4 - AVG. #3 - AVG #2. - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said "We've got to give it back". Sally said "Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic".

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" "No" said Sally. Jerry said "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic". Sally said "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning". Jerry said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday"...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said "We're outta here!"



SIDE BOOB previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied "We have to eat grass".

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along" the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated "You come with us, also". The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well" the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir, you are too kind". "Thank you for taking all of us with you".

The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Two billionaire friends meet.

After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks "So, how's your home life?" The other answers "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!"

The other guy looks at him astonished "An elephant? Have you gone mad?" The guy replies, smiling "Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!"

The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?" The guy replies "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price".

The other billionaire says "Sell him to me for two million?" "No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!"

"Three million!" "I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!"

"Alright, five million!" "Five million? Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends".

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees his buddy, he starts yelling...

"What THE HELL did you sell me!? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my garden and trees! There's elephant crap EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing! It's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!"

The other billionaire looks at him and says "Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!"



Previously: CURVY #7 - CURVY #6 - CURVY #5 - CURVY #5 - CURVY #4 - CURVY #3 - CURVY #2 - MORE >>


LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

LAW OF GRAVITY: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

LAW OF THE BATH: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATRE & FOOTBALL: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

THE COFFEE LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

BROWN'S LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

OLIVER'S LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

WILSON'S LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS' LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.



Previously: 8th May - 29th Apr. - 22nd Apr. - 15th Apr. - 8th Apr. - 1st Apr. - 25th Mar. - 18th Mar. - MORE >>

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There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate.

Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the elderly, overall wearing rancher and explains his problem. The wise rancher says he's got just the thing for him. Turns out he needs to manually stimulate the cow, and then rub his hands on the snout of the bull, being sure to get it in its nose. The farmer, thanks him unexcitedly, and returns to his farm.

Thinking it won't work but with no other options, the farmer does as he was instructed.

Success! The bull is suddenly overtaken with arousal, and the cow's mate immediately and with urgency. Amazed and relieved, the farmer heads to bed that night with the thought stuck in his head.

This farmer has another problem. He suffers from erectile disfunction, and as a result has a low libido. He begins to wonder, while lying awake next to his sleeping wife, if the bull had suffered the same issue.

He's tossing and turning, unable to get the thought out of his mind. In the pitch-black room, he decides to try it out on himself. His hands wander around until he locates his wife's vagina, where he gently wets his fingers careful not to wake her and be embarrassed.

He does as he did with the cow, and rubs his fingers in his nose. To his surprise, he's suddenly got the largest erection of his life!

He excitedly wakes up his wife, knowing full well it's been so long that she'd want to take advantage of the opportunity. She flicks on the bedside lamp and, looking at him, says "You woke me up for a bloody nose?"


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.

One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou" says the shocked friend "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies "My wife just ran off with my best friend".

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But" says the other man "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs "Not anymore! He is!"





Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill because he hadn't eaten anything for days.

Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave".

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Okay. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me".

Dr. Gill was okay with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in.

"Not that many. Just one" yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything but one worm was removed.

Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said "Okay, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed "No way! You just ate my half!"


Well ladies and gents, thats us done for this week. If you've made it this far then my efforts were worth it...!

-Follow me on Facebook, you pig.
-Check out the archives. They're worth their weight in Doge.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you like that??????????????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell the cops where you hid her body.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't say "Douth" [its uncouth!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.