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orsmupdate 2019.01.19-21.25

Welcome to toxic masculinity femininity people.

Having a good week. The sun is shining, a surprisingly good work/life balance and nothing expensive has broken or caught on fire. There have been a couple of highlights. The main of which was the fuckwit garbage truck guy spilling the contents of our overloaded bin not once but twice and then watching him pick it all up. Obviously taking pleasure in watching him do this makes me sound like a piece of shit but he's a fuckwit so its okay. A few months back we needed our bin re-emptied because the contents didn't all come out. I called the council, he came back to do it, and left the bin down the street, over the road on its side. Some sort of "Fuck you for making me come back". Another time he tried to fight our neighbour. Imagine someone miserable, grumpy, rude and collects waste for a living = him. Next, Facebook put me in jail [for posting this on the Orsm FB page], then busted me for something I posted weeks ago. For some reason getting busted the second time eased some of the restrictions on what I can do whilst in jail. The lesson here is don't do one thing wrong, do several.

Alright dudes that's enough pollywaffle. This update is behemoth. No shit - whittled down almost a 1000 video clips to the 80 or some you are about to devour. Everything else... well I can assure you no disappointment awaits. Check it...

"Have you got something to tell me?" asked a mate. "What do you mean?" I retorted. "Well you and my mum were a bit friendly last night" he replied accusingly. "We just falked... I mean talked, I uttered mistakenly. "You better explain yourself, cunt" he barked. I replied "Have you ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' it's when you say one thing and mean I fucked your mother...  I mean another".
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance. He called her into his office and said "You graduated university and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought for a moment and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death". He turned around and said "So, you want me to stay?"
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black".
A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.  They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it" the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in". A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?!"
The man's millennial daughter came running in in tears. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in a big bank, I did, and now that big bank is in trouble". "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the country!" he said "there must be some mistake". "I don't think so" she sniffed. "They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying 'insufficient funds'".
A young man asked "Will you marry me?" "No" the lady replied "but I admire your good taste".
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique". replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly". "This is certainly most helpful" said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it". "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry".
Maury and Pauly were at the bar again. "Tell me, old pal, old pal" said Maury "if you had five cars, would you give me one?" "You betcha" said Pauly.  "And" continued Maury "if you had five houses, would you give me one?" "Yes sir-ee bob" said Pauly "I surely would".  "And if you had five pairs of shoes" persisted Maury "would you give me one?"  "Of course" said Pauly". And if you had five dollars, would you give me one?" "Nope" said Pauly. "Any why not?" asked Maury indignantly. "Because I HAVE five dollars".

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Pussy POVThick Cumload All Over Young Tight Teen Pussy - Fit Girls #11Most Of Us Aren't Into Butch Bitches But The Fit Ones - Hell Yes. Check This Superb Fit Girls Dump From Phun. - Just GrossWhat A Start To The Year For This Old Retard. He Got A Street Hooker To Suck His Dick But When They Get Caught She Runs Away Fast. Just Gross. - Sex Ruined3 Ways To Sabotage Public Sex - Massive RackCaroline Vreeland Is Still Sucking It In... Still Busty... I Mean Those Are Some Huge Tits On A Huge Frame To Support Those Tits... - Nice Tits LadyLady Victoria Hervey Braless In Black Sheer Dress - Tasty BitchGood Luck Getting Any Sleep With The Lovely Boobs Of Zuzanna Miros Next To You! - RiDICKulousHer First Black Cock Would Kill A Horse - Ruski OrgyDrunken Russian Orgy Gets Fucked Up And Hilarious Quick

Sweet RevengeThe Selena Green Vargas Story - Pure BeefInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Filthy SnapsCompilation Of The Filthiest Snapchats Of 2018 - Crazy BukkakeFinally Someone Put Music And Asians Get Facially Soiled Together - Chubby MILFPhat MILF Squirter Fingered Fucked - Magic SFWelcome To San Fransisco - Spectacular!Olga De Mar Nude - Ass FunPhun's Bonus Butts #166 - Dump ItPhun.org's Funny Pictures Dump #311

CreampiedSweet & Shameless 19-Year-Old Giselle Garrou Gets Fucked - Will It Break?I Just Wonder How Much A Pussy Can Take, Just Look How Fucking Deep This Tiny Tiny Girl Gets Penetrated, There Must Be Some Kind Of Limit I Guess. - In Her GloryRedhead Girl With Dildo - Slut OrgyInterracial Loving Amateur Riding BBC At Orgy - Not In My..!Dude Forces His Hooker To Take It Up The Ass And Man She Hates It - HumiliatedLOL: That's One Way To Humiliate A Criminal - G-DAMN!Sara Underwood Naked In Her Hotel Bed - Au NaturaleMaria Fernanda Is Showing Off Her Lovely Naturals Outdoors In This Photo Shoot! She's Got A Great Girl Next Door Look To Her And The Tits Put Her Over The Top! - BJ NurseReal Nurse Fucking In The Ass At The Hospital - Just GrossPetite Red Light Hooker Fucks A Fat Tourist

Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us".
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down". The second lady says "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks "Who's there?"
A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads back towards the meat department. After a few moments of looking at the merchandise, the butcher asks him if he would like to place an order. The gay guy says yes, and orders 5 pounds of salami. The butcher asks him if he would like that sliced. The gay guy replied "What, does my asshole look like a piggybank?"
LAWYER: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" WITNESS: "Yes". LAWYER: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" WITNESS: "Yes, sir". LAWYER: "What did she say?" WITNESS: "'What nightclub am I at?'"


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Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says:


They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says "That'll be 10 cents each, please". They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please". They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally, one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor and always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same".

"Wow!! That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender "What's with them?"

The bartender says "Oh, them... they're pensioners. They're waiting for happy hour!"



Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

"Sir you have got to help!" said the tearful man at the door. "There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely any food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!"

The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

"Well" said the man at the door "that really is a sad story. Why don't you come inside and we'll talk about it a little more?"

"So how much money is needed exactly?" asked the man when they were both seated. "Oh it's really terrible" said the man starting up again "Why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they'll be kicked out onto the streets".

"How do you know so much about this situation?" asked the man as he reached for his cheque book.

"Well" said the man breaking down once more "they are my tenants..."


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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions".

"Anything, anything" said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement".

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France".

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally" she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis".

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said "Okay okay okay, I cut, I cut!"



ASIAN BABES previously on Orsm: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son".

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son".

A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son".

Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".




Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".

The black lab said "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down".

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch".

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked "Why are you here?" I'm a humper" the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped".                                                     

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A few days before the young couple was to get married, the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be. He was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with a towel and didn't see her.

She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her doctor for advice. "Doc" she said "What is that long thing between a man's legs?" "Well, that is called the penis" he said. "Oh" she said.

"Well, what is that big round thing on the end of the penis?" "That is called the head of the penis". the doctor said. "Oh" she said.

"Well, what are those big round things located about thirteen inches back from the head of the penis?" The doctor said "Honey, I don't know about your boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass".

DOWNBLOUSE - you can't not LOOK! 😎😎


Previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John". "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath" came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.

He asked again "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff". "Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath" was the answer.

Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... watching bubbles in a bath.

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles".


RANDOM SHITE 2019 01 17

OLDER SHITE: 10th January - 3rd January - Xmas III - Xmas II - Xmas I - 13th December - 6th December - MORE >>

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Two women are talking. One asks "How is your son doing?" "My son? the poor, poor lad! What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful. And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He does the cooking and sewing and washing and cleaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed".



Previously on Orsm: SHORTS #6 - SHORTS #5 - SHORTS #4 - SHORTS #3 - SHORTS #2 - SHORTS #1 - MORE >>

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with Jack, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.

Jack picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Jack also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!"

Jack said "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!" Jill looked at Jack and said "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"





Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's where I buried the treasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. And that'll be 6,963 since 1st January 2000.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will drug you then rub a toad over your cock. The idea is to give you dozens of warts making sex and masturbation very uncomfortable, if not impossible. The idea is still in testing - he's not exactly sure which toads give warts, if they are easily treatable and so on.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay excellent to each otter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.