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orsmupdate 2021.05.08-19.49

Welcome to it had to happen eventually........... the new update I mean.

Have had one of those weeks that reminded me a lot of 'the old days'. Way back when, when the site was in its infancy, managing the webhosting needs was a pretty massive challenge. Not because it was hard but because I had no fucking idea what I was doing, made some cracking mistakes and there's been about a million sleepless nights. Ah the more things change, eh? Even when you don't forget the lessons, there's more to be learnt. Might have some of the chronology wrong so bear with me...

Early on Orsm was hosted on the free webspace which came with my home internet plan. It expanded to a couple of friends' unused webspaces, then a whole bunch of webspaces. All sorts of people I didn't really know were sending me their login details to use their space. It was going pretty well until iiNet figured it out and booted me off. Orsm then moved to a hosting company called Rack Shack [who aren't around anymore]. Was a pretty big move for me at the time... definitely a make-or-break situation for the site and I was out of my depth. That also went okay for a while until they booted me off. If I'm remembering this correctly, it was Rack Shack getting pressure from Mastercard during the Priceless legal fiasco; they were pissed about incurring a legal bill.

We then decided to build servers. Had built a few PC's before so it should be easy... right? In no way was it easy. Many, many conversations about hardware and software config, ran all around town sourcing parts, spent a weekend building them, had to figure out how to ship them and on and on and on but eventually Itchy & Scratchy were born. Would never have happened without my mates so cheers to you fuckers.

The servers flew all the way to a host in Utah; pretty good bunch of guys but they dropped the ball repeatedly. Their company was growing and they were having a hard time holding shit down. Uptime was patchy at best and it just got too hard. We parted amicably and the servers shipped to Texas. Everything began smoothly enough however didn't stay that way because the 'company' [read: one man band fuckwit named Charles Baker] disappeared leaving me and all his clients offline. Turned up days later saying he "wasn't feeling well". Fuck off. That gigantic cockhead held the server's hostage until I paid money I didn't owe. Finally got them out and moved to a reliable company on a better network with actual support.

After a few more years, my colo's [servers owned by me] were struggling. Itchy finally imploded and Scratchy was just hanging in there. Instructed the host to pull it and Orsm moved to dedicated servers [servers owned by the hosting co] elsewhere. Few years later we moved everything to where it is now and I think its been about a decade. This host has been pretty good but after doing a bunch of monitoring and analysis, fiiiiinally worked out where some of the performance issues you guys complain about were coming from.

So now we've moved everything yet again; merging two servers into a single, very beefy one, on a much bigger pipe. Of course, nothing is ever straight forward with this stuff - the server move unexpectedly and suddenly had to be brought forward, so something I was hoping to go slow and steady with has been a mad fucking rush. Also, I'm sitting in one country, back and forth with techs in another country, working on a computer in another... which is just a fancy way of saying its chewed a lot of time and brainpower and I basically haven’t left the computer except to sleep or crap for since Monday.

Funnily enough the lesson is one I already knew - there's no such thing as a smooth server move [when I'm involved!]... and that’s not funny at all because doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If you're reading this though it means you're accessing the new server which is great but there's still a buttload to be done. Anyway... I'm keen to see everything holds up and if it was all worth it. Cross those fucking and fingers and toes! Check it...

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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: "Ummmmm... 4!" Officer: "What's the square root of 100?" Blonde: "Ummmm... 10!" Officer: "Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Blonde: "Ummmm... I dunno". Officer: "Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow". The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
A boob, a vagina and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them! Boob: "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Vagina: "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!!
I went to the Eagles last weekend when they were playing the Dockers. The stadium was completely empty [thanks COVID] but I snuck in and found myself sitting beside a man with a German Shepard. This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the third quarter when the Dockers were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (132 to 73 for the Eagles) the dog started openly and inconsolably weeping. I asked the guy what was the matter? He said "Don't worry. Rex does this every time the Dockers lose. So asked "If he does this when they lose, what does he do when they win?" His reply "I don't know, I've only had him since 2012".


I was walking towards McDonald's and watched as this pretty young thing raced out of the doors dropping her purse on the ground.

Having trouble walking, I tried to catch her to tell her she dropped her purse. I yelled but she was too involved looking at her smart phone, as they do, to hear me.

I followed her yelling out "You have dropped your purse!". No response.

I followed her down the stairs onto the railway station platform knowing I'll catch her here while she waits for a train. No luck, as we get onto the platform the train doors open and she gets in. "Shit" I said.

I board the train at the doors nearest me knowing I can walk through the train to her. I finally get to her and tell her "You dropped your purse at the doors of McDonalds". She thanks me and as I turn to walk away, she say's "Where is my purse?" I turned, looked at her and said "For fucks sake lady, I told you, at the doors to McDonalds".

I then walked off only to get a barrage of abuse from her. Un-fucking-grateful if you ask me!


SEX 13

Previously: Sex #12 - Sex #11 - Sex #10 - Sex #9 - Sex #8 - Sex #7 - Sex #6 - Sex #5 - Sex #4 - Sex #3 - MORE >>


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Two Aussie window cleaners are working on the outside of a 6-storey airport building in Sydney.

One of them says "I want to piss, let's go down. "Mate" just piss from here". "But there are people down there". "See that fountain? Lean out and aim right there, no one will notice" "No way, mate I'll fall down" "Don't worry mate, I'll hold you".

So he starts to piss but his mate loses his grip, and he falls to his death.

A year later in London, three blondes are in a cafe, talking about men.

"I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians! When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!"

"No, it's Mexicans. Those sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!"

"That's nothing compared to Australians. I was there last year. Right after I walk out of the airport building, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming: CUUUUUUNT!!!!"



WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!" Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it".

Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?" Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying". Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this".

Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favourite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.

Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid". Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir". Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid". Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go".

15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table.

30 minutes...

45 minutes...

An hour and he is still there!

The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?" Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for my change!




-One Top Fuel dragster 500 cubic-inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower (10,000HP / 7,456.999kW) than the first 5 rows at the Daytona 500.

-Under full throttle, a dragster engine consumes 1.2-1.5 gallons of nitro methane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same rate with 25% less energy being produced.

-A stock Dodge Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to merely drive the dragster's supercharger.

-With 3000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive, the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition. Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.

-At the stoichiometric 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture for nitro methane the flame front temperature measures 7050 degrees F.

-Nitromethane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, dissociated from atmospheric water vapor by the searing exhaust gases.

-Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an arc welder in each cylinder.

-Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during a pass. After 1/2 way, the engine is dieseling from compression plus the glow of exhaust valves at 1400 degrees F. The engine can only be shut down by cutting the fuel flow.

-If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.

-Dragsters reach over 300 MPH (482 kmh) before you have completed reading this sentence.

-In order to exceed 300 MPH (482 kmh) in 4.5 seconds, dragsters must accelerate an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 MPH (322 kmh) well before half-track, the launch acceleration approaches 8G's.

-Top Fuel engines turn approximately 540 revolutions from light to light!

-Including the burnout, the engine must only survive 900 revolutions under load.

-The redline is actually quite high at 9500 RPM.

-THE BOTTOM LINE: Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew worked for free, and for once, NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimated $1,000 per second.

-0 to 100 MPH (160 kmh) in .8 seconds (the first 60 feet of the run). 0 to 200 MPH (322 kmh) in 2.2 seconds (the first 350 feet of the run)

-6 G-forces at the starting line. 6 negative G-forces upon deployment of twin parachutes at 300 MPH (482 kmh).

-An NHRA Top Fuel Dragster accelerates quicker than any other land vehicle on earth - quicker than a jet fighter, quicker than the space shuttle.

The current Top Fuel dragster elapsed time record 3.659 seconds for the quarter-mile (Brittany Force). This was done at 338 MPH (544 kmh!).

Putting this all into perspective: You are driving the average $140,000 Lingenfelter twin-turbo powered Corvette Z06. Over a mile up the road, a Top Fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter-mile strip as you pass. You have the advantage of a flying start. You run the 'Vette hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and pass the dragster at an honest 200 MPH (322 kmh). The 'tree' goes green for both of you at that moment.

The dragster launches - starts after you. You keep your foot down hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine that sears your eardrums. Within 3 seconds the dragster catches you, passes you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter-mile away from where you just passed him.

From a standing start, the dragster had spotted you at 200 MPH (322 kmh). Not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you within a mere 1320-foot-long race!



Previously #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A young man finally got a job at the Post Office.

He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had". The humble young man said "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better".

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?" The young man smiled proudly and said "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses".




A woman found out that her dog (a schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets...

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So, she went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days". "I'm not using it under my arms" she said.

The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". She replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

The pharmacist says "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week".

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A Nazi walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!" The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back.

Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering, he turns back to see the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar... EXCEPT for that Jew!" The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He owns the bar".

true or false: anything more than a handful is a waste


GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said "Hey, Mummy! Mummy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds "Very good dear".

The blonde asks "Is that because I'm a blonde mummy?" And the mother responds "Yes dear".

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said "Today in school we learned our ABC's! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says "Very good dear". The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mummy?" The mother responds "Yes dear".

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother "Mummy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mummy?" And the mother responds "No Dear, it's because you're twenty-five".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 05 06

Previously: 29th Apr. - 22nd Apr. - 15th Apr. - 8th Apr. - 1st Apr. - 25th Mar. - 18th Mar. - 11th Mar. - MORE >>

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A committed atheist (someone who steadfastly does not believe in a god of any sort) was on a trekking holiday when he became lost in some dense woods.

A large angry bear, with ten starving cubs back home and claws like kitchen knives, suddenly emerged from the undergrowth.

The atheist screamed in terror, turned and ran. The bear was quicker however, and after a long and desperate chase eventually cornered the atheist in a gully.

The exhausted atheist sank to his knees, shaking.

The bear, seeing that its prey was trapped, moved slowly towards the petrified man, drooling. The bear was drooling too.

The atheist lifted his head, with tears in his eyes, and uttered the words he thought he would never say in all his life: "God help me..."

With these simple three words, a blinding flash of lightning lit up the sky, there was a deafening crash of thunder, the clouds parted.

A brilliant light shone down.

The forest fell silent, the bear froze still, in a trance. The atheist stood gaping, transfixed.

A voice came loud from above, louder than twenty AC/DC concerts all happening at the same time. We can safely assume this voice to have been the voice of a god of some sort.

"You atheists make me seriously mad" boomed the god "You deny me all your life. You tell others to deny me too. You put your faith in all that bloody Darwinian airy-fairy scientific nonsense, and then what a surprise - you get lost because you can't read your stupid map, and now you're about to get eaten by an angry bear, all of a sudden you're on your knees snivelling and begging for my help...? You must be joking...!?"

The atheist looked down, realising that he was not arguing from a position of strength.

"Okay, I take your point" said the atheist, thinking on his feet, while he still had them "I can see it's a bit late for me to convert, but what about the bear? Maybe you could convert the bear instead?"

"Hmm... interesting idea..." said the God, thinking hard "Okay. It shall be done". At which the brilliant light dimmed and vanished; the clouds closed; and the noises of the forest resumed.

The bear awoke and shook its head, a completely different expression on its face. Calm, at peace.

The bear closed its eyes, bowed its head, and said "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen".



So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup". "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now". "Let's go" the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off".

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".




A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

He rolled down his window and said to the officer "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license".

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's just over smart when he's drunk and stoned".

The guy from the back seat said "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said "Are we over the border yet?"


Well that was an ordeal. The path to this update was not linear. It was very much nonlinear. Thanks to everyone for being patient.

Hopefully all worth it though!

-Follow me on Facebook. Or don't. I completely understand either way.
-Check out the archives. Also or don't. The only person who misses out is YOU. I've already seen everything. Sure, its amazing and if you don't want that in your life then its entirely your perogative... no matter how shitty and questionable it may be.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Feel pretty confident about it but I felt pretty confident about this one too sooooo...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll do a server move every week...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and trust me when I say don't take advice from people on the internet. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.