Welcome to people... what a bunch of bastards!
Fucking Man Flu. I know girls like to mock us, say its not real, but the GF and I both got the same thing at the same time this week. She managed to power on, go to work, do housework, tend to the kids; I was bedridden for two whole days. Not in any way pretty... positive from every negative though - this is the only time I've been properly sick all winter.
All this in mind it's a fucking miracle this update has not only come together but come together so well... as you guys are about to scroll on and find out for yourselves. Check it...
A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says "Please come down to the hospital. I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!" so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says "I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma - it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma". So the nurse closes the curtains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says "I don't know... I think she started choking".
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it". She turns to him with a smirk and says "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says "Why do you ask?" She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet".
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies "Now we run!"
A man's daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife. He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her "My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. " The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond. When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: "What did your mother say?" "She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father "...
Sophie and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building - a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Sally says "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him? He looks so lonely". Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely". "Of course I'm lonely, he says "I've spent the past 20 years in prison". "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her". "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her". "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a bridge". "Oh my" says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells "Yoo hoo, Sally. He's single".
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" his mother replied. "The rest are for your father".
Frisky 19Hot Teen Tries Anal For The First Time With A Guy Way Older Than Her - How Much?How Much Anal Can One Tiny Girl Take? - REAL RegretWhat In The Fucking Fuck Is Wrong With People? Both Of Them! - Cunt CopsThis Weekend In Surprising Police Footage - Good GraceGood Grace - Buttfucked To Orgasm On Dining Table & Anal Creampie & ATM - DegradingGroup Of Guys Degrade A Cute Latina Teen - ImpressiveInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Porn On YT!How To Do Basic Naked Yoga Poses With Sara Jean Underwood NSFW - Fallen OutBlanca Blanco Nipples Slip Out Of Her One Piece Bathing Suit - StretchingNaked Stretching Session!
IrresistibleMum Catches Daughter And Dad On Webcam And I Have A Strange Boner About It - Marry Her!Send This Epic Blowjob To Your Girlfriend, Perhaps She Can Learn A Thing Or Two - Too CandidCousin? Brother? Stepfather? How about all of the above. Not the slightest ounce of shame either. And when it comes to light that her brother/boyfriend did time in the pokey for murdering a person... all she can do is LOL. - Phunny DumpPhun.com's Phunny Pictures 289 - Takes It !Amateur Gets Her Ass Stretched To The Limit - POV HomemadePOV Homemade - Teen With Floppy Titties Sucks Dick And Gets Fucked - CamwhoringHow To Destroy A Pretty Ass In 3..2..1... - UnbearableBig Black Cock Breaks The Mudshark - Big IdiotsThe 4 Biggest Idiots You'll See Today, Guaranteed
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My flat chested wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor today. Counsellor: "What seems to be the problem?" Me: "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
Two salesmen were going door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat".
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but totally worth it.
A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas".
Previously on Orsm: SHAVEN HAVEN #3 - SHAVEN HAVEN #2 - SHAVEN HAVEN #1 - MORE >
Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".
"What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".
"What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?" "Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across France by train to board his ship for home.
The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired". She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".
Previously on Orsm: POOL TIME 03 - POOL TIME #2 - POOL TIME #1 - MORE >>
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LITTLE KNOWN FACTS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE
-22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.
-The Pringles Chips are actually hyperbolic paraboloids. They were made in this shape so that they don't fly off the manufacturing line.
-The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
-Jeans are stitched with orange thread so that it goes well with the coper rivets on pockets.
-In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.
-An average woman will spend one full year of her lifetime trying to decide what to wear.
-Tears caused by sadness, happiness and onions look different under a microscope.
-Some scientist decided to find out how long it takes some of the most favourite sweets to dissolve in a nostril. You know, for science. For example, a Polo mint takes 42.5 minutes to dissolve.
-The ten most generous countries are all in Europe.
-Collectively Gangnam style had wasted about 23,657.68 years (4:12 playtime with 2.96 billion views) of humanity's time on YouTube.
-About 35% of women in Saudi jails have already served the time they were sentenced to, and are only there because no male family member has come to pick them up.
-The top 8 most developed countries all speak Germanic languages. Every such country is in the top 20.
-You are allowed to have sex in public in Amsterdam's Vondelpark.
-More than 20% of the votes in the 2001 elections in Argentina were invalid.
-It's physically impossible for pigs to look into the sky.
-You can be imprisoned for not voting in Fiji, Chile and Egypt - at least in theory.
-Potato chips were invented in Saratoga Springs in 1853 by chef George Crum as a mocking response to a patron who complained that his French fries were too thick.
-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
-Hens talk to their chicks in soft tones while they are still in the egg and chicks can be heard peeping back from inside the shell.
-No one knows who lives in the second largest house in London (second after the Buckingham Palace).
-Pearls melt in vinegar.
-Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. It was found in an edible form even in the Pyramids. So when you call someone 'honey', you are blessing them with a long life.
-26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.
-Men actually tend to overestimate women's interest in them, while women tend to underestimate men's interest.
-Female dragonflies often fake their own deaths to avoid having sex.
-When he was a baby Henry VIII of England had two official cradle rockers who were paid £3 a year each to rock his cradle.
-25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.
-Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
-Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century. It went on to be used as medicine during the 18th century. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache.
-In most malls today, perfumes are found at the entrance. There's a reason behind this: before automobiles came in, commuters used depended on horses, which used to leave lots of poop on the roads. To ensure the stench would not enter the sales outlet, perfumes and fragrances were always kept at the entrance. This was done so that the customers would have a pleasant experience the moment they step in.
-Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.
-When you fart you lose 0.0371 grams of weight, on an average.
-The 100 richest people in the world earned enough money in 2012 to end global poverty four times.
-Spotify's random function is not random anymore. It used to be but people suspected it is not random so an algorithm was written that randomises the songs so that we humans believe it is random.
-Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the movie down so you could see his moves.
-72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.
-Hudson Bay area of the Canada has 4% less gravity than the rest of the world.
-The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.
-The word "Gaga" in Filipino refers to a stupid and idiotic girl.
-The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.
-Black box, the in-flight voice recorder, is painted orange so that it can be spotted easily in the event of a plane crash.
-The eldest children in families tend to develop higher I.Q.'s than their siblings.
-There's a website where you can watch grass grow. There's videos on YouTube where you can watch paint dry.
-Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.
Like that lot? More in the Orsm archives here.
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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies "Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Luigi answers "I see the reflection in my new Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies "I see the reflection in my new Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns bright red.
He states "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers "Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight..."
Luigi gasps "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my new Armani leather shoes...!!"
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy, sweaty armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy sweaty, armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"
The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
OLDER SHITE: 13th September - 6th September - 30th August - 16th August - 9th August - 2nd August - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will".
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep" said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will" said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it". The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No" said the old-timer "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all".
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No" said the old-timer "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt half as much".
Previously on Orsm: BUILDER FAILS #2 - BUILDER FAILS #1 - MORE >>
A GRAMMAR LESSON
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words:
COMPLETE and FINISHED.
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?' Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.
Previously on Orsm: BOOBS ON GLASS #2 - BOOBS ON GLASS #1 - MORE >>
My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300 was to get her boyfriend out of Jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the prison It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response... so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
Previously on Orsm: ANGELINE - OLIVE - JUSTINE - MASHA - SUMMER - DAISY - JANETTE - MAXINE - AMELIA - MORE >>
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