Welcome to if its up, its available... (And I don't mean my ad).
Time management fucked me this week. We're all knee deep in the lead up to Christmas by now and shit is being jammed in to the schedule left, right and centre. I'm also trying to get the Orsm Xmas update under way as well as think about January so I can swing a few days off. Which reminds me - have not done one single thing towards gift buying. Thankfully the recipient list gets smaller every year so there's only a couple of people I actually need to think of. Highlights of the week however was definitely the guy who called me a "bloody idiot" as I overtook him up a hill. Not exactly sure what I did wrong but my narcissism wants me to say it was because he was jelly of my beast mode or possibly my rugged good looks. Friends speculated it was probably because I didn't say "rider behind" or whatever. Seems to me with 2,500 cyclists on the road for an event he should just assume there's going to be one behind him at any given moment. Dickhead.
Alright so without further ado we should begin this update; an update I've thrown everything at because that's just the kind of bloody idiot I am. Check it...
A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place. She excuses herself to go change into something a little more... comfortable. Twenty minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says "On your knees, slave". He, sitting naked on the couch, smoking a cigarette, asks "What are you talking about?" She replies "I thought we were going to have kinky sex" to which he answers "I already shat in your purse and fucked your dog. What else is there?"
An apprentice is on his first day on the building site. He's taken to the top of the crane to see what goes on up there. While he's there, he realises he's desperate for a piss. "What do I do?" he asks the bloke with him. "No problem, just go out into the crane's bucket and piss there". So the lad goes out to relieve himself, but while he's there, the bloke accidentally hits a lever which opens the bucket and drops the lad to his death. Detectives are later interviewing witnesses to try to work out what happened. They speak to a man who watched the lad's fall from the ground. "What do you think was the cause of his death?" asks a detective. "I reckon it was a case of sexual suicide". "What makes you think that?" "Well I saw the lad flying through the air, with his cock in his hand, shouting 'CUUUUUUUUNT!'"
I walked into the pub last night and noticed what seemed to be a party in the corner so I asked the blonde barmaid what was going on. She said "It's Tuyu's birthday". "Oh right... which one's Tuyu?" I replied. She said "Oh, I've no idea, I just heard them singing 'Happy Birthday, Tuyu'!"
A man pinches his wife's arse and says "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle". Rather annoyed she decides to bite her tongue and say nothing. Later that night in bed the husband squeezed her tits and said "Do you know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?" Absolutely fuming the wife reached over the bed, grabbed his dick and said "Do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your brother?"
A rich old man of 85 went to the doctors for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was. "Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but" cautioned the doctor "are you sure you're doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you". But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind. "Well, in that case" persisted the doctor "it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I'm sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous". The old man thought this over and said it sounded like a good idea. A few months later the doctor and the old man met up again at the village fete. "Hello, doctor" beamed the old man "you must congratulate me, my wife is pregnant". The doctor kept a straight face, as he wished the old man well. "I guess you took my advice about taking in a lodger then?" "Indeed I did" winked the old man, enjoying himself "and she's pregnant too!"
My family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir". "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir". "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor". "Hold on" said the captain "where are you getting all your anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir".
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon. When I opened it, I saw a bloke from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza. "I haven't ordered any pizzas" I said. "This must be a mistake". "I know" he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner".
Three country lads were out in the big city when they were attacked by a mugger. "Give me all your valuables" he hissed "or I'll inject you with AIDS". Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the two who had handed over all their money looked at their friend aghast. "Don't you realise what he's done? You've been injected with AIDS". The third lad smiled "No, no, it's alright, I'm wearing a condom".
Some perv stole a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line last night. I'm not fussed about the knickers, just want the 8 fuckin pegs back...
I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said "You remind me of my little toe". She said "Is that because I'm small and cute?" I replied "No because with a bit of luck I'll end up banging you on the coffee table".
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It not looking good, Dick".
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost so he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250". The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
A couple were having a picnic in a jungle. Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble". The second deaf man signed back "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late". The first deaf man asked " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light" the second man signed.
Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.
One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see much further than the front of his truck so he slowed his truck to a crawl and continued until he could drive no more.
It was then he noticed a light from a farmhouse so he went and knocked on the door. The farmer asked what he was doing and Frank said "Sorry to bother you, I'm Frank, the greatest truck driver in the world. It's too foggy for me to drive and I was hoping you could spare a bed for the night".
The farmer replied that he was welcome to stay the night but he was not to touch the farmer's gorgeous teenage daughter. Frank replied "That is no problem sir, as the world's greatest truck driver, my only concern is getting a good night of rest so I can safely drive again in the morning".
After Frank, the farmer and the farmer's gorgeous daughter had finished their dinner, they retired for the night and, as so often happens in these situations, Frank heard a timid knock at his door. The gorgeous daughter had other ideas for the world's greatest truck driver, so after some slight protest from Frank, some hanky-panky ensued.
While deep in the throes of passion, Frank didn't notice the farmer slip into the bedroom.
Then, right as climax seemed inevitable, the farmer jammed a shotgun tight to Frank's most sensitive region and growled "Greatest truck driver in the world eh? Let's see you back your way out of there with a full load!"
Previously on Orsm: BOX GAP #5 - BOX GAP #4 - BOX GAP #3 - BOX GAP #2 - BOX GAP #1 - MORE >>
Two men were painting a bridge over a river. One was in a cradle at the top and the other was in a second cradle further down, steadying the ropes.
"Throw me up some paint thinner" shouted the first man. "Oh thanks" said the second man, who was hard of hearing. "I've been on this diet a month now".
"No, I said throw me up some thinner". "Yes thanks, I've had my dinner". "Listen, you stupid prat, I said PAINT THINNER" he bellowed.
"Oh right" and the second man threw him up a bottle of paint thinner which unfortunately hit him on the head causing him to fall out of the cradle and plunge into the icy waters, never to be seen again.
The following month, an inquest was held and before the verdict was announced the coroner asked whether anyone present had anything to say.
His mate got up and replied "Just one thing, Mr Coroner Sir. I think his accident had something to do with sex". "Really? Why's that?" "Well, as he passed me going down, he shouted 'Cunt'".
A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realises he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...
He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
"Hello again Sir". the barber says. "What can I do for you?" "Oh, I'd like another haircut... but I'm awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?" "Of course" says the barber. "Anything you want. Take a seat".
The businessman sits down.
"So what would you like?" asks the barber. "Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left. For my moustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler's. Cut the hair on the nape of my neck on a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick. I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly. Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head. When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths. Blend the sides in, but don't blend in the back. And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear".
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
"I can't do all that!" he says. "Why not?" The businessman asks. "That's what you did last time".
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid.
She decides to ask for a raise. She goes to the lady and asks "Ma'am, I'd like a raise". The lady responds "A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why". The housemaid says "Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma'am".
The lady gets annoyed and replies "Where does that come from?" "Well, Ma'am, your husband told me he likes the food better when I make it than when you do".
Seriously annoyed, the lady interjects "I'm not giving you a raise. That's just your job".
The housemaid tries again "And I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm also better at laundry than you". "Nonsense. What makes you think that?" "Again, I'm sorry ma'am, but your husband says, his shirts are better ironed when I'm the one who cleaned them, than when you are".
Even more annoyed, the lady says "Okay I'll have a talk with him. But you're still not getting a raise for doing your job".
"Well... I'm very sorry ma'am, but maybe you should also consider the fact that I'm better at sex than you".
The lady responds, red with anger "EXCUSE ME? My HUSBAND told you that?" The housemaid answers "Oh, no. The gardener, ma'am..."
Previously: SEXY STONERS #4 - SEXY STONERS #4 - SEXY STONERS #3 - SEXY STONERS #2 - MORE >>
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There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals".
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends!"
"Now I'm gonna go see what else survived this wreck".
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship".
The Army guy replies "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says "Nah, I think I'll wait for the cops to come".
Previously on Orsm: TOPLESS #5 - TOPLESS #4 - TOPLESS #3 - TOPLESS #2 - TOPLESS #1 - MORE >>
The supervisor for the Union of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men - we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 90% of the roads in the country are in bad shape, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
A voice from the back of the room asks "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says "That's not a TV - it's a microwave!"
BIKINIS previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - MORE >>
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for vicars in training.
Among the speakers were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the vicars who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the vicar finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who the hell she was!"
Previously: 18th Nov. - 11th Nov. - 4th Nov. - 28th Oct. Part I - 28th Oct. Part II - 21st Oct. - 14th Oct. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff" and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.
Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"
So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"
The recruit turns to him and replies "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree, Sergeant!"
A man in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket.
"What?" questioned the bartender "Why would you want so many martinis?" "My horse likes them" replied the cowboy "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him".
So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis.
"If you don't mind" he said "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes". "Be my guest" said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply.
"Darnedest thing I ever saw" said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house". "No, I couldn't do that" said the man. "But thanks anyway".
"What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?" "Love'em" replied the cowboy "but I gotta drive".
Previously: ELISE - ANTONIA - ABIGAIL & ANGELINE - ALICE - MORGAN - SHAE - ALLY - CHLOE - MORE >>
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night, the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry" the man replies "he's not for sale".
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No" he insists "he's not for sale".
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it". the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's what's good for you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Oh hello, December.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring Ray back.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.