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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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orsmupdate 2022.12.01-19.28
Boobies

Welcome to your Orsm update.

You never really get time off; you're just deferring stuff that still needs to get done which causes the return week to be a clusterfuck thereby undoing any gains made by having downtime in the first place. Amongst using my 'free' time mostly to tick off some life admin tasks, I did manage to spend a satisfying and uninterrupted few hours playing PS4 at one point. I know that sounds fucking lame but these days its next to impossible to either find time to do it and/or do it without the "Can I have a turrrrrn?" crew showing up before squeezing me out and changing to some crappy kid's game.  Was this week's onslaught of catching back up worth the aforementioned clusterfuckery though? It'll help me survive 'til Christmas so probably yes with a little bit no.

Moving on. Today's update does definitely stack up. Good stuff always seems to come when I'm under pressure so by rights this one should leave no one disappointed. Check it...

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a number of years and has picked up a few tricks. I came home early from work the other day to find her dressed in her magician's assistant little sexy outfit. She said "Abracadabra" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe stark bollock naked. Poor Dave must have wondered what the fuck was going on!
--
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go".
--
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman" his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman" says the guy. "Well" says his friend "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night". Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No" moans the guy "but my daughter is a pole dancer in a strip club".
--
My postie said he's off to Spain on holiday. He didn't seem impressed when I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He reckons for good jokes, it's all about the delivery.
--
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously, there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally, after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken-down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said "If you fix our car, we will do anything you want". The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked "How could we ever repay you, mister?" After thinking for a short while he replied "Could you hold my camel?"
--
A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities when the bride became annoyed at the groom's overly enthusiastic advances. "Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!" she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pyjamas. "Good evening, madam" said the groom "you look very lovely tonight". The bride was pleased to see the change. "Much better, thank you" she said. The groom nodded and replied "Now, can you please pass the vagina?"
--
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of fine champagne. By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time. After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall". "I'm sorry, too" replied the other "because I put all of mine into your target".
--
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus" he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes".
--
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me". "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch" boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick. To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her "Okay, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of". So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said "Nope!" He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she replied. He pushed some more through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?" "Nope!" she said laughing. He then said "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"
--
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out so they brought you back".
--
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope. I'd never seen an insect run off to get married before!
--
Murphy is lying in bed in hospital covered from head to foot in bandages with just two little slits for his eyes. His mate Paddy comes to visit and asks "What happened to you?" Murphy says "When I came out of the pub last night a lorry clipped me and knocked me through a plate glass window". "Beejeebers!"says Paddy "it's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you would have been cut to ribbons!"

ORSM VIDEO


A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.

"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?" "Of course my son" said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man "but, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"

The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest tries to chase him, but the man is too fast, so he quickly loses the priest.

The priest is a bit angry because of this, so for a week he goes for a run every single day, so this wouldn't happen again.

The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.

"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?" "Of course my son" said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man "but, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"

The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest cannot swim, so he loses the man again.

The priest goes for a swim every single day over the course of the week.

The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.

"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?" "Of course my son" said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man "but, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"

The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest cannot go up there, so for the third time, the man gets away.

During the next week, the priest learns how to climb.

The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.

"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?" "Of course my son" said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man "but, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"

The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest follows him. The man rushes into a dark cave. The priest tries to follow him, but he quickly gets lost in the dark. Frustrated, he finds his way out and heads back home. Once he arrived back at the church, he prepares a candle for next week.

The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.

"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?" "Of course my son" said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man "but, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"

The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest follows him. The man rushes into a dark cave. The priest lights the candle and follows him.

He finds the man at the back of the cave "Please, my son, just tell me why do you need half of a lemon each week!" "Alright father" says the man "but please promise me that you won't tell anyone!?"

And the priest was a good man and didn't tell it to anyone.

LEGS UP PLEASE LADIES

ORSM VIDEO

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle.

The black knight calls out to his opponent "Behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds "Nary have I encountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall remain free, for the sake of all that is right and good!"

Then suddenly, a cloaked grey knight rides out from the trees and whacks the white knight over the head with a club. He then turns swiftly to face the black knight, pulls out his trusty bow, and fires an arrow directly into the black knight's left leg.

Both the black and white knight are confounded as they dismount their horses.

"What is the meaning of this?!" the white knight shouts.

The black knight, holding his wounded leg, protests angrily "What treachery is this that you would attack a servant of the dark wizard?! I shall have your head for this!!"

The grey knight seems unphased, instead lining up another arrow that just narrowly misses the shoulder of the white knight.

The white knight responds by drawing his own bow and demands to know "Tell me this instant for whom you fight, Sir Knight! I am prepared to die this day for the fate of this land and demand to know which side you are on!"

Another arrow whizzes past the black knight as the confusion grows.

Unwilling to take any more of this nonsense, the black knight casts an explosive spell, grabbing the attention of the grey knight for the first time.

"TELL US WHO YOU ARE!!" shouts the black knight, exasperated.

The grey knight lifts the visor on his helmet slowly and replies "I do not fight for the people of this land, nor for the sake of any dark wizard. I am here only to fight! HAVE AT THEE!"

Realising no progress will be made until this imbecile is dealt with, and after an approving nod from the black knight, the white knight calls out again "If you do not choose a side, we shall both rain down arrows upon you! Now state your creed!"

The grey knight speaks again "I do not desire conquest nor power, but I love a good brawl and plenty of destruction! So, I guess that makes me a mid-evil knight".

ONE BOOB OUT 10

1 BOOB OUT previously: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off, he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic - remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

TOWER: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me".

TOWER: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me".

TOWER: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

AIRCRAFT: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".

BIG BEAUTIFUL BUMS 04

Previously on Orsm: BIG BEAUTIFUL BUMS #3 - BIG BEAUTIFUL BUMS #2 - BIG BEAUTIFUL BUMS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed" she says "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now".

She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands.

"Remember when I asked you for a silver bracelet for my birthday, and you got me a toaster instead, after buying yourself a new golf club? I used your life insurance money to buy a much more expensive bracelet".

She takes the lid off of the urn.

"Remember when I asked you to buy a nice sedan, and instead, you bought that ridiculous two-door Porsche? I traded that car towards a much nicer BMW".

She tilts the urn, dumping his ashes all over the table.

"Remember when we were supposed to be saving for our anniversary cruise, and you used the money to buy your girlfriend a matching set of jewellery instead?" she says, tracing a finger through his ashes "That's right, I know about Stacy from the billing department. Well, I left a note with your boss about where she got such expensive accessories from, and last I heard, they terminated her on the spot".

She leans over the ashes.

"Oh, and remember that blowjob you were always begging me for?" she asks, taking a deep breath "Well, here it comes..."

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ORSM VIDEO


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OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $75.00
Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $75.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, cat litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw cat litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw cat litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting cat litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more cat litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2022 12 01

Previously: 17th Nov. - 10th Nov. - 3rd Nov. - 27th Oct. - 20th Oct. - 13th Oct. - 6th Oct. - 29th Sep. - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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ORSM VIDEO

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking.

 "You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says.

"Pffft that's child's play!" another man slurs. He unbuttons his shirt and shows off his back covered in red criss-crossing cuts. "Helga was running hot and decided to grind me up against my fence and ruined my best shirt. I couldn't put my shoes on this morning 'cause of my damned back!"

"That's nothing!" one of the men says as he hikes up his pants leg and shows of a fresh red lump. "Bella though she'd try something new and ended up almost kicking my beans off! Couldn't walk for hours!"

The young farmer, having just had the most wonderful honeymoon, trots over and drops his pants showing off his family jewels, chaffed and red from nonstop love making.

"My Elizabeth and I did everything you could think of for 2 weeks straight! Beat that!"

The men stare in silence and until one man speaks up "Who names a horse Elizabeth?"

TBT: VINTAGE AUDREY BITONI

AUDREY BITONI 09

Previously: GRETTA - MATHEA - SILVER - ELIZABETH - LOTUS - NICOLE - VERA - LUCY - AINA - ELISE - MORE >>

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ORSM VIDEO

Well, dudes, that is another Orsm update knocked out of the park. If you’ve made it this far then hopefully you though so too. If not, then you'll never even know I wrote that you're fat, ugly and everyone hates you. Even your family.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Carn, you lot!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly, it will. Unless I'm dead, imprisoned or have something better going on then it's def next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll punch you in the sternum.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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