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orsmupdate 2018.07.19-21.09

Welcome to scab duty.

Have copped a few emails in recent weeks gently pointing out my blogging has been lacking lately. Annnd yep it has. Very much acutely aware of it too. Can't pin it  to one thing - its all the usual stuff families with a couple of kids deal with + everyone trying to cram a lot in to their lives etc etc. It never ever ends. So this week I swear I had EVERY intention of righting the blogging thing or at very least beginning to get my words back on here BUT... shit has just gone to, well, shit. Firstly, there were a couple of appointments. One I'd been hanging out for and didn 't want to reschedule. Then late last week I booked a long appointment with a new GP to cover a couple of different ailments. He was running an hour late so he decided it would be a very short appointment meaning I had to go back Monday; again running 45 minutes late. Wanker who of course, charged me twice. The major spanner in the works was the lady who looks after our kids a few days a week cancelling at short notice. Her husband sick so fair enough however that meant scrambling to make alternative arrangements plus all the housework and cooking and whatever that she normally does throwing everything into disarray. Next chuck in a mandatory attendance family get together and pretty soon the work week is down to two fifths of fuck all.

The GF mused today what our lives might look like without kids. Hard not to compare to friends who have gone that route. They get to do all sorts of gay shit like go out to restaurants on a whim, not find a babysitter, any day of the week, eat after 8pm. Travel regularly. Clean house. Sleep in past 6am. And so on. This sounds like I'm complaining but I'm really not. Life is actually pretty great... there just hasn 't been much time to blog about it!

And on that note... here's an absolutely fucking mind-blowingly awesome update. Check it...


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents". "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80". "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital, and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine. The younger man said "I guess you have been here a few times". "Yes" said the older man. The younger wanted to know "How long after the baby is born, before you can have sex with the mother? The older guy equitably replied "It depends on whether she's in an open ward or a private room".
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No" she replied "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".
A posh lady has a baby and the doctor says madam I have some good news and bad news. Inevitably it's good news first. I'm sorry to tell you that your baby has come out black. My word she cries, I'll be a social outcast how will I ever show my face at the country club? You did mention good news though. The doctor replies "yes it was still born".
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" "Huggies" and "Pampers" while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbour turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I'm 81 years old" he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don't they?"
One day a woman decided to gather up all of her old clothes that she no longer wore and donate them. She got them all bagged up, walked into the living room where her husband was watching TV and said "Look at this! I'm going to donate all of these old clothes!" The husband replied "Why don't you just thrown them away. It would be a lot easier". The wife said "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes". The husband quickly replied "Honey, anyone who can wear your clothes is NOT starving". He is still recovering from the head injury.
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you are gay.
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

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Umm WTF?? For A Minute There I Was Starting To Lose Faith In Degenerate White Guy's Ability To Keep Me Entertained. Then I Was Introduced To A Fetish With More Questions Than Sylvester Stallone's Medicine Cabinet. - Anal CreampieSo Much Cum In Her Asshole! The Perfect Anal Creampie - Carol AltThose Shots Are From A Time When Playboy Actually Showed Us Naked Girls Instead Some Economic News And Barely Nude Celebrities. It Was A Better Time - 2008. Enjoy The Shots! - Will It fit?Can A 10 Inch Cock Fit In Her Ass? - SlutinessUmmm... No Way This Video Stays Online For Another Day! - Only JapanFucking Japan Does It Again... Reaches New Level Of Fucked Up - Hitting BrownI Hope She Has Butthole Insurance... She's Gonna Need It!! - GroomingGrooming Her Girlfriend - Katie PriceKatie Price In A WEIRD, Topless Photoshoot - Fan FuckTop 10 Pornstar Fucks One Of Her Biggest Fans

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I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realise I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent".
You know the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I've never paid money to have a kidney bean on my face.


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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away". The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead" replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something".

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck".

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150".


SEX 10

Previously on Orsm: SEX #9 - SEX #8 - SEX #7 - SEX #6 - SEX #5 - SEX #4 - SEX #3 - SEX #2 - SEX #1

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model".

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go" she said".I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's Day".


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Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired"Why the spoon?"

"Well" he explained"the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

"As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.   By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well" he whispered"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".



Previously on Orsm: SINGLETS #3 - SINGLETS #2 - SINGLETS #1 - MORE >>

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-What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
-If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?
-Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? (like the French do)
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
-Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
-Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Your future self is watching you right now through your memories
-If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When" you get the answer to each of them.
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
-If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
-At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?
-What is Satan's last name?
-Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
-Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?
-If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
-Do they bury people with their braces on?
-How far east can you go before you're heading west?
-How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
-Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
-Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
-Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his friend Tonto with him?
-When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
-Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
-Is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
-Why is it that on a phone or calculator, the number five has a little dot on it?
-Can yu have square crop circles?
-If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
-Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
-Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
-Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
-Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
-If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go see a movie?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-Do bald restaurant workers have to wear a hairnet?
-Do prison buses have emergency exits?

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-Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
-When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
-If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack would they try save him?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
-If parents say"Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
-Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
-Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
-Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
-Do you yawn in your sleep?
-Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
-How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavourings.
-Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
-Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
-Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
-In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
-Why can't donuts be square?
-What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
-If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell?
-Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
-Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
-Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
-What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
-Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
-How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
-Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
-Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
-If one man says"it was an uphill battle" and another says"it went downhill from there" how could they both be having troubles?
-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-When sign makers go on strike, who makes their signs?
-Why does someone believe you when you say "there are more than four billion stars", but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Can you cry under water?
-If you blew a bubble in space, would it ever pop?
-Why do they put holes in crackers?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
-Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
-If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what colour would it turn?
-Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?



Previously on Orsm: CUTE #8 - CUTE #7 - CUTE #6 - CUTE #5 - CUTE #4 - CUTE #3 - CUTE #2 - CUTE #1 - MORE >>

Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you".

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing" she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs". The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?" The woman blushes and says "Well, actually he is, yes"

"Aaaaah, then that's the problem" the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 07 19

OLDER SHITE: 12th July - 5th July - 28th June - 21st June - 14th June - 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - MORE >>

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 75th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said "You know I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said "And I had a large theatre built in the house".

The third said "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".

The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it".

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway".

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks".

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same".

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama".




Twin sisters in a nursing home were turning 100 years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LORD JESUS! BOTH OF US!? CAN I BE FIRST??"



Previously on Orsm: PUFFY NIPS #3 - PUFFY NIPS #2 - PUFFY NIPS #1 - MORE >>

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's". ''Oh I'm so sorry. Can I ask what happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her".

He inquired further "But who is in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also".

A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered "Get in line".






-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the Orsm archives. They have now been fully digitised for your convenience.
-Next update will be next Thursday. But be warned - one of these weeks I'm going to have a week off.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will teabag the your mum and send you the pics. He doesnt wash his nuts. Also, smegma is a probem.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and turn the radio up for that sweet sound, hold me close, never let me go. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.