Welcome to I have a feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual'.
Essentially, we have a repeat of last Thursday. And probably many dozens before that. No reason why shit has fallen apart... it actually hasn't at all. The prob was more to do with trying to work ahead a bit. The downside is I haven't been outside today. I woke up at 6am-ish. Shower, breakfast. At the computer by 7.30ish. It'll be after 12am by the time I'm done. Long day but hey, at least I'm not black right? JOKING. Settle down..
Which reminds me. I've somehow found myself on a very pro-black FB group. Can't really work out what its all about but I do know they hate me, hate all whites, are extremely racist and have a strong belief that AIDS was invented by Americans to oppress them. I read shit like that and genuinely believe that racism and all its baggage can and will never be solved. And yes I know there will be just as many whities out there with insane FB groups who have equally insane opposing opinions.
In unrelated news, if any of your comments on videos around the site aren't showing its because I added a few words I was seeing way too often to the banned list. Fucked if I know why they discussions always turn political but I'm over it.
Ooooookay then. As the sun rises on one of the latest Thursday updates ever I encourage you guys to watch every video, enjoy every pic and laugh at every damn joke. Its all good/great/whatever so don't deny yourself the pleasure. Check it...
The wife blasted me at the breakfast table. "It's my birthday! And you didn't get me anything? Get off your arse and go and buy something that will make me look sexy!" I replied "I already did" and pointed to the two bottles of Jack and the case of Heineken on the sideboard.
A soft-hearted man who always listen to his wife was playing with marble balls one day. His wife came to him and yelled at him because she was cleaning the dishes and he was only playing. After finishing all her chores, she came to bed with him. The wife was little embarrassed to ask him for some romance and the man was still in fear after all those yelling. Finally, the wife broke the silence and asked him "Do you wish to do something? Do your mind want something?" The man said "Yes". And then the wife said with a smile on her face "You can do it". Then the man got off the bed and started to play with marble balls again.
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said "I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer". One hunter said "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe".
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie". She says "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too".
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked. "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she said. "Yes, I did" he told her. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked. "Oh... she got fired too".
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Standing at the teller's window, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write a check. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says without missing a beat "Well, that's great... that's just great... some arseholes got my pen!"
A man pulls over at a crappy diner in the middle of nowhere. He goes inside and orders himself some chili. Well after eating that and hanging around he ended up needing to use the bathroom. So he looks around but can't find it. Going to waitress he asks and she says "It's around back". So he goes back there and finds himself standing before an outhouse. He needed to go No. 2 bad after eating the chili. So he goes in and sits down. After doing his business he looks around and finds no toilet paper. But there was a sign on the wall that reads: Anything placed through the hole will be cleaned vigorously So the man used his hand to wipe himself and stuck his hand through the hole. On the other side a kid smacks the man's hand with two bricks and the man yanks back his hand and sticks it in his mouth, thus cleaning it vigorously.
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I finally found my girlfriends g-spot. Turns out it was in her sister the whole time.
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says "Say, wanna have a good time?" as he looked him up and down seductively. "Sure" he says and they are off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into".
Three cowboys are about to be strung up for cattle rustling. The lynch mob takes them to a tree at the edge of the Rio Grande. They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he's so sweaty, he slips out, falls into the river, and swims to freedom. They tie the noose around the second cowboy's neck. He, too, slips out of the rope, drops into the river, and gets away. It's the third rustler's turn. He looks at the mob and says "Could y'all do me a favour? Tighten that noose a bit, I can't swim".
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!" The librarian said "Ahhh so you're the one who took our phone book".
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said "She'll be twenty-one in November".
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said "Good - she's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said "She's pregnant too".
Don't ever underestimate old guys!
Previously on Orsm: PDA's #6 - PDA's #5 - PDA's #4 - PDA's #3 - PDA's #2 - PDA's #1 - MORE >>
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a total stranger standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning, she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes, to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have". She says. The man replies. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said "Man I wish we had something to drink". Jim says "Me too, you know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz... you wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects at all. Nothing!
Then the phone rings, it's Jim. Jim says "Hey, how did you feel this morning?" Dave Says "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave Says "No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover - nothing. We ought to do this more often".
"Yeah well there's just one thing... have you farted yet?" "No" "Well DON'T because I'm in New Zealand!"
CHUBBY GIRLS previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of our bondage in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the fucking board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.
"Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment" I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the six-foot jack chain to the centre of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.
"I'll be back for you at five" she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!?" I yelled in a hushed voice. "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???" "You'll think of something" she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. "You always do".
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom" I countered. "Don't give me that" she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom". "
But..." I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye".
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours" I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the afore-mentioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all" I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the fucking board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splendour. "My life is over" I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonising seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally, he spoke. "What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap" I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
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A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman" said the Sergeant. "Yes" said the lady "He was an English Cricketer"
"That's very observant" said the Sergeant "You worked that out from his accent?" "No" she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorise the loan, I know your manager".
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this" said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
OLDER SHITE: 4th October - 27th September - 20th September - 13th September - 6th September - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever I go chucky goes". "I'm sorry sir" said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the Theatre".
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge" whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert". "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out" whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it" said Marge "at our age we've seen 'em all". "I thought so too" said Mildred "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
Previously on Orsm: EVERYTHING IS SANDY #2 - EVERYTHING IS SANDY #1 - MORE >>
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her young pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet". She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced "These aren't my boots".
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't you say so? " like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said "They're my brother's boots. My mum made me wear 'em".
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked "Now, where are your mittens?" He said "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Previously: SUZAN - NICOLE - RICCI - ANGELINE - OLIVE - JUSTINE - MASHA - SUMMER - DAISY - MORE >>
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower - Macka, Mongrel and Bluey. As they start their descent, Macka slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Macka's wife". Mongrel says "Okay I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it".
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?" "Macka's wife gave it to me" Mongrel replies. "That's unbelievable... you told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?" "Well, not exactly" Mongrel says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Macka's widow'". She said "You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow". Then I said "I'll betcha a case of beer you are..."
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They will keep you occupied and amused whenever an update is running a little bit late.
-Next update will be next Thursday... hopefully. Hitting the road for a few days so all the usual shit applies - "I tried my best", "There was no wifi", "I was beyonf my control" and various other lies to cover up my ineptitude... just kidding. My ineptitude doesnt exist. Fuck anyone who thought it did. Update will be up next Thurs unless I am seriously injured, dead or something similar.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will just randomly message you stuff attacking your self-esteem throughout the day, each and every day. He. Will.. Never. Stop.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember no matter how shit things are in your life right now... they will probably get worse.. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.