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orsmupdate 2022.01.13-13.56

Welcome to I'm about to shnap.

I'd be lying if I said a couple of weeks away from the PC was a bad thing. Actually, to be really honest, a couple more on top of those wouldn't have gone astray BUT... where would that leave you guys? The break went about as well as anyone could possibly hope. Firstly, it was spectacularly hot, which was amazing. Secondly, there was time to do nothing - play PlayStation, swim, socialise and even exercise. Just not having to be somewhere or doing something like the other 50 weeks was a nice change. And that's all I set out to achieve. Ham consumed: copious. Alcohol consumed: minimal. Times almost killed by a bus: 1. Obviously it wasn't the case for everyone but the city being under COVID restrictions due to an outbreak just before Christmas kind of made life easier; the choice between going out and masking up versus staying home takes care of itself. And that's more or less it. I've eased myself back into things this week... well that was the original plan. Today's update was going to be a chopped down version of what usually happens around here however due to my guilt for having abandoned Orsm since pre-Xmas I think coming back swinging was the least I could do. So here goes (for 2022)... CHECK IT....

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a fuckin job, she's not for him.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
After a few years of marriage my wife said to me "Why don't you treat me like you used to do before we were married, when we were just going out together?" So the very next night I took her to the cinema, then on to a smart restaurant for a great meal and then I dropped her off at her parents!
My wife and I had so many arguments about having a baby. I wanted one for a about five years, she wanted to keep the little bugger for ever!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' I'll get my coat...
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Just bought a memory stick for the wife. It's brilliant! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex since the first beating.
My dad wanted to be buried in a blue suit. When I got to the undertakers, he was wearing a green suit. I told him he had it wrong and my Father is to be buried in a blue suit. He apologised and asked me to come back in an hour. I got back and my father was laying there peacefully in a crisp blue suit. I said "That's amazing, who was the tailor who did it?" The undertaker said "I didn't use a tailor. I did it myself". I said "I can't thank you enough, how did you get a blue suit so quick? He said "You see the guy in the coffin over there? He had a blue suit on. So I swapped the heads".
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I then said "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes"... So I said "Then I'd like to phone a friend". And that's when the fight started...
Business had been terrible and was not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Barbara or Jack. It was an impossible decision because both were super workers. Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Barbara came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. I approached her and said. "Barbara, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off". "Could you jack off?" She replied. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime". I had to let Jack go.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court" he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"
A policeman stopped me as I walked out of JB Hi-Fi today. He said "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" I said "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic".
A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says "You need to stop masturbating!" "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "Because I am trying to examine you!"

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Jack loved cake so much that every morning he would drive to the local bakery to get a piece. Jack was married to Edith who did not like cake. She also didn't like how fat Jack was getting. Worried for his health, Edith eventually gave an ultimatum. Jack either had to give up the cake or she would leave. Now this was a problem. Jack loved cake, but he also loved his wife. Also, he really, really loved the cake. So the next morning Jack got up and decided to walk to the bakery instead of driving. He ate the piece and walked back. Seeing that he was at least working out and getting exercise, Jack's wife decided this was good enough. And that was how Jack had his cake and Edith too.
The fucking dog ran off again last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 minutes and still couldn't find the bastard. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog....
They say if a guy has big feet, it means that he has a big penis. That just makes the thought of being fucked by a clown even scarier.


In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans.

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon: "Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shout, accuse and fight out, throwing punches and kicks in the middle of the church!

After the authorities breaking the fight, the mayor pulled the priest aside. "Good Father, please, half of this city is from Mexican descent. Mexicans come here to eat our food, to play in our casinos, to buy in our stores... please, Father, don't annoy them anymore!"

The next Sunday, the Church was packed. Every busybody in town wanted to see if the priest would toe the line.

After reading the Bible, the good Father took the word: "Today, we'll reflect about Mary Magdalene, the prostitute who tried to entice Jesus just like those Mexican hussies do every day!"

Total bedlam.

The sheriff had to escort the priest to safety while policemen broke out the fights inside the church.

The mayor hounded down the good Father immediately. "Father, that's your last warning. Say anything else about Mexicans and I throw you in jail!"

The next Sunday, every person in town and from the surrounding areas was in the Church. Even the local pastor and his wife were sitting in the front row. People were already carrying guns and chains inside.

The mayor gives the priest a last word. "Father, please think very carefully about what you are going to say in the sermon".

The mass begins.

After reading the Bible, the Father walks to the podium. Total silence in the Church. The mayor is holding his breath.

"Today we'll reflect about one of the greatest events in the history of the Church: when Jesus shared the bread".

The mayor starts to smile, releasing his breath.

"That night, Jesus told his apostles 'One of you shall betray me'. Immediately, Peter asked 'Master, is it me who shall betray you?' and Jesus answered 'No'. Then, Mark asked, 'Master, is it me?' and Jesus said, 'No'. Then, Judas the betrayer asked... '┬┐Acaso soy yo? (Is it me?)'"



MASTURBATION previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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An American couple is looking to adopt a child and, for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany.

There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks. "Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Volker?" the wife asks. "Oh nothing. He just never talks. It's not that he is mute or anything, he just refuses to talk" the nun says.

The couple didn't mind that at all, and decides to adopt little Volker.

They take him home to America and break him into his new life. He goes to school, he's silent in class, never talks to other students, doesn't get into any fights, his grades are high, he's a good boy.

They decide to take him to the amusement park. They go on all the roller coasters, he never screams, or lets out a "YIPEE!!!!".

They go to the haunted mansion attraction and his parents are screaming, yet little Volker never lets out a "peep" or a "YELP!"

Volker just stands there with a creepy smile on his face the entire time. He just won't talk, so his parents just make peace with it.

One time, it's Volker's birthday and they try to make it special. The mother had trouble finding a cake for him his age, but she found a chocolate cake with orange frosting that she thought he'd like. She bought it and put it on the table.

Volker is happy as usual as he blows out the candles and cuts into the cake. That's when he discovers that the cake is all chocolate inside.

He frowns.

He takes the cake and throws it into her mother's face.

"Mother! I do not like the chocolate cake with the orange frosting". Volker says. "Wait... what? Why are you talking now all of a sudden?" she asks. And Volker says "Everything you've done was acceptable until now".



An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him.

So every day, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And every day, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear his call.

Now one particular afternoon, Mr Green goes to have his annual physical with his old family doctor: "You're going to have to take it easy, Harold, your blood pressure is through the roof. One high stress situation and your heart could give out..."

So Mr Green, taking the doctor's advice, decides he's giving the phone calls a rest. A week goes by. Then two. Then three. Then eventually, a whole month of no phone calls. And then, at the apex of beating this debilitating condition, Mr Green decides to phone the wife... no answer.

He phones again... no answer.

He phones for a third time... no answer.

Now, he's apoplectic. He goes mad. He jumps up from his chair, vaults over his desk and kicks the doors to the office open. He runs to the lift to take him to the lobby from his office on the 60th floor and the lift is broken.

He rushes down the emergency stairs and down into the underground parking garage and jumps into his sports car. He drives at like a madman all the way home before realising he's forgotten his keys. Pulsating with rage, he breaks down the apartment buildings doors, dashes up the stairs to his penthouse on the 30th floor. And all the while, he can hear the moans and groans of a man and women being intimate.

This enrages him even further.

As he reaches the penthouse door, he breaks it from its hinges and crashes into the living room to find... NOTHING. No sign of the wife or her adulterous lover. He breaks into the bedroom. Nothing again. After each rage induced feat his heart beats faster and harder.

Finally, he bursts into the kitchen to see his young supermodel wife half naked and hastily refastening a see-through kimono. Mr Green is livid. He grabs hold of his wife: "Where is he?!? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart with my bare hands!"

As his smashes his way through the kitchen, he notices from the corner of his eye, out of the window at base of the apartment building; a man running towards a car, pulling on a pair of trousers and leather jacket. In a feat of pure adrenaline and rage, Mr Green wrenches the fridge freezer from the wall and throws it out of the window... and collapses. A heart attack! Miraculously though, the fridge freezer crashes through the glass window and flattens the man in the leather jacket below.

Mr Green opens his eyes to find himself sat on a long white bench on a cloud outside the gates of heaven, waiting to get inside. Next to him is the man in the leather jacket and another man in a leopard print thong, completely blue in skin tone from top to bottom.

As Saint Peter rounds the corner, clipboard in hand, he asks the question: "Is there a Mr Brown here today?"

The man in the leather jacket raises his hand.

Saint Peter continues: "What has brought you to the heavenly gate this day, my child?" Mr Brown speaks: "Well Saint Peter, it was my wedding anniversary today and my boss gave me the afternoon off to spend it with my wife before I begin the night shift. She had just gifted me this beautiful leather jacket and we were culminating our anniversary vows by making love when I realised I was late for work. I dashed to my car when a fridge freezer fell from the sky and killed me".

Mr Green tuns red and is very sheepish when Saint Peter asks him why he was in Heaven today.

"Well, I'm married to a supermodel and I'm very jealous of her. I have come home in a blind rage thinking she is having an affair. I have thrown a heavy object across the room when I have had a heart attack and died".

Saint Peter then asks if a Mr White is present today. The blue man in the leopard print thong raises his hand. "Well, I was sat in a fridge freezer, minding my own business when some bastard threw me through a window!"



For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself.

He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was getting on in age and, not having any kids, decided it was time to spend some of it.

He went into town, bought some supplies, and headed the brothel. The head mistress, Miranda, met him at the door as he was looking at the girls and prices. "What'll ya have, cowboy?" she says with a pucker of her lips.

"It's been mighty long. I want a cheap girl that'll give to me rough". "Sure thing, sweetie pie. Head up to room 2. Sally'll be in in a few".

He nods and heads up, taking out his whiskey and having a long draw.

Sure enough, Sally comes in and takes care of old cowboy Hank. He's having a grand old time and boy was she rough.

After a while, he has her stop and says "What do you say we go gentle for a spell?" She bites his lip and whispers "I'll be back in a few minutes".

She comes back and wow, what a difference! Hank is heaven! She's even more amazing than before.

Hank looks into her eyes "Wow, honey! What did you do when you stepped out? This is amazing!" As she's grinding him, she says "I peeled off the scabs".



Previously on Orsm: PYJAMAS #5 - PYJAMAS #4 - PYJAMAS #3 - PYJAMAS #2 - PYJAMAS #1 - MORE >>

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Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Tom says "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster".

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever" said Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then" Tom continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".

"What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case" persevered Tom "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".

"What if the public phone was on fire?" "Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill".

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Is he in the fire department?" "No. He's never seen a train crash".



FESTIVALS previously: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that is some candy". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmm... is it wine?" she asked. "No" said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it campaign?" she asked. "No" replied the little girl "It's a puppy".

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Johnny's neighbour, Mrs Morgan, had a celebrated parrot.

People from far and wide would come to see the bird because he was such a wonderful conversationalist. There was only one drawback - the parrot was obsessed with ducks. If he saw a duck, he had to shag it and unfortunately for Mrs Morgan there was a farm just across the field and the ducks were forever being rogered by her obsessed parrot.

One day the farmer came around in a dreadful rage.

"If ever I see your parrot near my ducks again... I'm going to shoot it dead! My poor ducks are worn out and I won't be having it anymore!"

Mrs Morgan turned to her parrot angrily "You hear that! If it happens again, I shall punish you so badly you'll never forget it!"

A week went by and the parrot behaved himself, but one afternoon when all was quiet, he escaped again to do the evil deed.

"That's it!" she screamed, and taking a pair of shears from the garden shed, she cut all the feathers off his head until he was completely bald.

The following day, Mrs Morgan was hosting a cocktail party and the parrot was put in the corner and ordered not to move all night. As the guests arrived, they were greeted by their hostess and then the parrot in the corner who would say loudly but politely "Good evening, sir, good evening, madam".

However, the last two guests to enter were both bald and as soon as the parrot caught sight of them, he screamed "Oi, You two duck shaggers, over here in the corner with me!"




Last weekend, my friend set me up with a blind date with his sister.

Despite his assurance that she was attractive and intelligent, I was concerned that I might find her unattractive and be stuck with her for the whole date.

My friend suggested I download the 'Date Rescue App' on my phone - he explained that I need to set the app to ring my phone shortly after we were scheduled to meet, and then answer the phone with 'Mum, what's the matter, are you okay?' Then make my excuses and leave, it's foolproof.

I arrived at his sister's house and knocked on the door. My friend's sister answered the door and looked gorgeous in a tight-fitting dress. Before I had a chance to compliment her on her appearance, her mobile rang. She answered it 'Mum, what's the matter, are you okay?'


RANDOM SHITE 2022 01 13

Previously: 23rd Dec. IV & III & II & I - 16th Dec. - 9th Dec. - 2nd Dec. - 25th Nov. - 18th Nov. - 11th Nov. - MORE >>

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A man comes home from work to find a big 'ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard.

Realising he's going need some help with this, he Google's "gorilla removal services" and soon finds Dave And Rosco's Full Time Gorilla Removal.

He calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right over. They arrive in a truck with a large cage on the back.

Dave introduces himself and his dog, Rosco, to the home owner while setting a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun on the open tailgate.

He says "I'm gonna need a little help from ya, sir. I'm gonna climb up in the tree with the gorilla and attempt to shake him down. When he falls, Rosco is gonna bite and hold down on the gorilla's most private of parts. When that happens, he's gonna reach down to try to get Rosco off of him. Now that's when you slam the cuffs on him and I'll take him from there".

The man says "Okay... but what's the shotgun for?" Dave says "In the event that the gorilla shakes me out the tree... you shoot Rosco".


An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks " Is your date running late?" " No" , he replies " I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it". The intrigued woman says " State-of-the-art watch? What" s so special about it?"

The Aussie explains " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically". The lady says " What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you" re not wearing any knickers". The woman giggles and replies " Well it must be broken because I am, wearing knickers!" The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says " Bloody thing's an hour fast!"




The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied.

The manager scowled "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only. Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed "Darling. My name is John Darling". "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is... "


Well how was that for you guys? Before you answer, read on...

-Follow me on Facebook. Okay okay I won't PROMISE, PROMISE but I promise to TRY and post more, or just literally at all, on FB.
-Check out the archives. Ask yourself - is there anything else that could possible be more important??
-Next update will be next Thursday, at which point it will be hard to accept we're already so far into the new year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll eat all your chocolate for spite even though I'm severaly lactose intolerant.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mata ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.