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orsmupdate 2021.12.02-20.00

Welcome to chewing off more than you can... chew.

Blech. Ever have those days/weeks/lives where you're over it and just want to get on with shit? Me right now. So let's do exactly that... but first allow me to promise you what will be the most incredibly entertaining, fulfilling, satisfying and uplifting experience you will EVER have - today's Orsm update. Check it...

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar. The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music. After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause. The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says "Buddy, you were INCREDIBLE! If you come back tomorrow, I'll split the night's till with you!" "No can do..." says the Memory Card. "I'm limited to one gig!"
Chuck and Jan arrived at the Registry Office to fill in the forms required for their wedding in two weeks' time. As Chuck wrote his name, the clerk told him he could not accept a nickname. He had better go next door to the Births, Deaths and Marriages Department to check out his full Christian name. So Chuck went next door and a few minutes later came back and duly filled in his name as Charles. But then it was Jan's turn and she was also told to go next door and confirm her full name. In this case it was Janette. "It's a good thing I'm thorough" said the clerk smugly "or this marriage wouldn't have been legal and any kids you might have had would be technical bastards". "What a coincidence" said Jan "that's exactly what the bloke next door said about you".
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says "Did you see that?" "No" the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead" the first guy says. "Oh" says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there". "Oh". A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says "Then why did you step in it?"
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden, this great big dude comes in and *WHACK!* knock's the little guy off his bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says "That was a karate chop from Korea". The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden *WHACK!* the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says "That was a judo chop from Japan". So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and *WHACK!* knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!! The little guy looks at the barman and says "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Bunnings!"
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson. "You over there, the girl in red" he said pointing "which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?" Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered. The pupil of the eye, sir". "Correct" replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying, Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things. One, you haven't been listening to my lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are going to be very disappointed".
I was at grocery store yesterday, this thick grumpy lady was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a jellied eel. I came to pay; I had only bought milk and bread but had no change. "$1.03 please". "Sorry, this is all I've got" as I handed her a $20 note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out $18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "I've got nothing, if that helps" I replied. She didn't get it so I thought fuck it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don't do me no favours" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Any cash out?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, $18.97 please".
A brunette goes to the doctor and says "Everywhere I touch it hurts". He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said "Ouch!" Then her shoulder "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks "You're really blonde, aren't you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says "Well your finger is broken".
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her. "Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?" Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies "Not very short, some around 5 foot". "Are you sure there aren't any nuns about 3 foot in height?" he persists. "No, no, no one like that". As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies "She said they don't have any". On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So" he said "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe". Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000". The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park, I felt sorry for him, he must have been pushing 70.
The mafia have boiled a man to death in an industrial pasta cooker. Police are undergoing tests to aldentify the victim.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"


A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman".

This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart A*s the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit, Johnny looked up and said "Making a fireman".

This pissed the fireman off so he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The cop asked Little Johnny "What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?"

Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.

The cop said "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop?"

Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said "Because I aint got enough shit".



Previously on Orsm: WET HAIR #4 - WET HAIR #3 - WET HAIR #2 - WET HAIR #1 - MORE >>


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As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements.

Son Gary says "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos".

Daughter Grace says "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us".

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens".

Daughter Alice says "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough".

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery!"



BEACH VAGINA previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The year is 2024 and it's time to decide a new President of the United States.

There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself "Juanbama".

The people cast their votes and when they're all counted up, the realise it's a complete three way tie in both electoral and popular votes, and the people have no idea what to do.

After much deliberation, it is decided that they will have a literal Presidential race - 1 lap around the White House, with the fastest being the next Commander in Chief, all of them being timed by a Secret Service member.

Up first is Trump. He walks up to the starting line and proclaims "This will be the greatest lap around the White House, in the history of the White House. In fact, this could be the greatest lap in the history of laps run, in the history of anywhere".

He sets off, but as he's not in the best of shape, it takes him a while, and he finishes in 19:46.

Up next is Joe Biden. He starts of great in the opening five minutes, running at a great speed for a man of his age, but after that he forgets what he's doing and finishes the race as a leisurely stroll, finishing at 20:19.

And the final racer is Juanbama. He gets ready to run and when he hears the whistle he sprints at full speed, going as fast as he possibly can. By the time he reached the finish, he is exhausted, but he powers on and collapses over the finish line.

"What was my time?" he asks the Secret Service member. "10:36" he replies. "That's gotta be some kind of record" says Juanbama. "No" says the Secret Service agent "Bush did 9:11".



George was planning on going out with 'The Boys' when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

Wife "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt".
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chunks all over his shirt.

George "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunkass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned".

So, when drunkass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Wife: "I KNEW that you would spew all over that new shirt!"
George "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned".

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

Wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollars come from?"
George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants".



ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that's how very many company policies and procedures get established.



SMALL BOOBS previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

"Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your friend!!" the bum staggers away chuckling.

The Polish guys look at each other and start laughing. "That was a funny riddle that bum told us" they say "let's go do it on someone".

Laughing almost hysterically, they see two American guys. They walk up to them and smile.

"Hey guys!" they laugh. "We got a riddle for you! What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The American guy's shrug, waiting for the answer.

The Polish guys chuckle again, and one of them says as he smirks "Me and my friend!!"

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Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "The Power Of Prayer".

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit".



Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>

The electricity man called round at number 71 Burswood Road to turn on the power for the new tenants.

After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.

"Where's your mum, son?" he asked. The little boy didn't answer but just pointed at the stairs.

So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being shagged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.

"Son, son, do you know what's going on up there, do you know what they're doing?" The boy just looked at him and then said "Na-a-a-a-a-a".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 12 02

Previously: 25th Nov. - 18th Nov. - 11th Nov. - 4th Nov. - 28th Oct. Part I - 28th Oct. Part II - 21st Oct. - MORE >>

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A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out.

He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month, and offers oral instead. The huge guy thinks it over for a minute or two and then counters with "How 'bout anal?" Too intimidated to say no, the transvestite leads the john into an alley to have sex.

While the john is going to town, the transvestite can't help but start to get excited himself and gets an erection. Right as the john is getting ready to climax, he reaches around to give the hooker some pleasure when his hand encounters the stiff member.

"Hot damn" he yelled out "in one end and out the other!"


Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello" said the Father "And how is Mr. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?" "You did that, Father".

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father" said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you". "Thank-you, Father". And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan" said the Father "how are you?" "Oh, very well" said she.

"And tell me" he said "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all!" "Now isn't that wonderful" he said.

"And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh" she said "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"




The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said "I would like to withdraw $500".

The female teller told her "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM". The old lady then asked "Why?" The teller irritably told her "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you".

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady "My apologies mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her "Any amount up to $300,000".

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with Seniors... they will outwit you.


Well humans, that’s Orsm done and done for another week. I'd like to remind y'all that there are only three more updates remaining this year. Woo-fucking-hoo!

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Or at least has been known to.
-Check out the archives. They don't get better they get best.
-Next update will be 'some point' between Wednesday and Friday... but not either of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or I'll make a big song and dance about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.