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orsmupdate 2018.10.25-19.16

Welcome to Orsm.net.

Fuck me drunk. All it takes for me to have my shit together and update on time is to not actually be here. Not that you could tell though - this update is fucking superb... in the good way... as opposed to the bad way. So without further dribblage and self-adulation lets move on to what will likely be a life and game changer for many out there. Check it...


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees". The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. She said "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't gargle sand.
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster". The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
Some bastards just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door..."
One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this on and the ring'll be gone within the hour" the doctor said. The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour. But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks "Doctor, the cream you're giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What's the stuff you're giving me?" The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying "Lipstick remover".
A husband is walking behind his wife in the street and he remarks that her ass is getting so big and shaking so much that it looks like an old washing machine. She has no come back to that, so they go home and the day goes past. Come bedtime, the husband gets a little randy and naturally wants some of that ass. At that point the wife turns to him and says "Nah, I'm not starting this big old washing machine for such a small load, you'll have to do it by hand".
The first daughter comes out to her parents and tells them "I'm a lesbian". The father, maintaining his composure, says OK he accepts that, and asks the second daughter "What about you?" To which she replies "I'm a lesbian too dad". Furious, he shouts "Is there ANYONE in this family that likes cock?" To which his only son replies back happily "I do!"
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap". The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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One day little Johnny gets twenty dollars from his dad for doing some housework. His dad says asks little Johnny "What are you going to do with the money? Little Johnny replied "I'm going to use it for a prostitute" On the way into town he meets grandma who upon finding out what the twenty is for tells him to give her the twenty dollars and they can have sex. He goes home and his dad say's "That was quick!" And Little Johnny says "Oh I just gave the twenty bucks to grandma and we had sex". His dad says "What the fuck? You fucked my mum? Little Johnny replied "Well hell, you fuck my mum why can't I fuck yours?"
A little boy is in the shower with his mum when he looks down at her bush, confused he asks. "Mummy what's that?" she simply tells him. "Honey, that's my washcloth". He seems ok with that answer until the next day they are in the shower again. He looks down at his mum's now shaved pussy and asks. "Mummy, Mummy what happened to your washcloth?" His mother then replies. "I lost it". Once again the kid seems ok with the answer. So the next day the kid comes running up to his mum and says. "Mummy, Mummy I found the washcloth, the babysitter was using it to wash daddy's face!"
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck..."


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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand-new F-22 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!" "Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!" "Of course, we did" says the general "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"



Previously on Orsm: MILF #8 - MILF #7 - MILF #6 - MILF #5 - MILF #4 - MILF #3 - MILF #2 - MILF #1 - MORE >>

A guy with an unfortunate last name joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically, he's always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training.

"Alright! We're gonna have you all use dummy weapons and go out onto this course behind me, the objective is to be the last soldier standing!"

The company is then instructed to get into a line (alphabetically by last name) and proceed to three separate trucks to get their weapons. Naturally our hero is the last one to get gear and when he gets up there the sergeant shakes his head and says:

"Sorry son, we don't have enough rifles for all of you, so we've notified the rest of the company that when you walk up and yell 'BANG BANG BANG!' they all know to drop like they've been hit".

Our hero shrugs and moves on. Same thing happens with grenades and knives; and he receives instructions similar to the first, 'BOOM BOOM BOOM' and 'KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE' respectively. Now each time he's told to imitate shooting a rifle, throwing a grenade, and slashing knife along with the sounds.

He enters the field and takes out the first guy with his rifle, yelling 'BANG BANG BANG!'. Sure enough the trooper falls. Next is the grenade, that works too. So does the knife, soon he's on his way to being the last one standing.

Eventually he finds a hill with a single soldier standing on it. He pretends to shoot him with the tried and true 'BANG BANG BANG' but nothing happens. He tries the grenade, nothing. So he runs up and yells 'KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE' and slashes at the guy.

The trooper turns, knocks our hero down and stomps over him before turning back and saying with a grin 'TANK TANK TANK'.


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An American, a Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks.

The American points to the Canadian and says: "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire". The Canadian nods.

Then he points to the Japanese and says: "You will be in charge of supplies". The Japanese nods.

"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways.

By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is nowhere to be found.

After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!"



Previously on Orsm: PYJAMAS #2 - PYJAMAS #1 - MORE >>

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1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late-night films on the foreign TV channel.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

1. You can have a woman try to run for president
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. Its normal to be really obese
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Proper beer (warm of course)
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week whether you need to or not
9. Ditto for changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

5. :snckr: :snckr:

1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

1. You've got to be taking the piss, don't you?

1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

1. Know your great- great- great- great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Bush Chook
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold beer on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold beer on the beach

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A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home". "Okay, boss".

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB.

"What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck". "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck".




An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to".

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off started hopping around... everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No mam... but... I've always wanted to".

There are a few lessons for us all here:
1. Don't be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...


RANDOM SHITE 2018 10 18

OLDER SHITE: 11th October - 4th October - 27th September - 20th September - 13th September - MORE >>

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My Muslim neighbour is an arsehole and we dislike each other intensely. One day, one of my chickens laid an egg in his garden.

When I asked if he would give me the egg, he said "Under Islamic law, the egg belongs to the owner of the garden in which it was laid".

I pointed out that we were in fact in England and that under UK law the egg belongs to the chicken and thus the owner of aforesaid chicken.

"Let's settle it like men" he said. I said "OK, I give you a kick in the nuts, then you give me a kick in the nuts. The one who writhes in pain for the longest period of time loses the egg".

We agreed on that and I told him that the home player got the kick-off. I then gave him a huge kick in the nuts, upon which he fell to the ground writhing in pain. After almost three minutes on the ground, he got to his feet with a smile on his face.

"What's so fucking funny" I asked. "It's my turn now" he replied. I smiled back "Naaah, you keep the egg".



Previously: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognise him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing".

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him...?"

God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"




A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".

The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."



-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. More. More more more more. Hope that clears things up.
-Next update will be next Thursday. That's how things've been going for a while now soooo... yep see you then!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will give you a really hard time about not being 'woke... because after all he's seen quite a lot of YouTube documentaries about things you know!!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep walking in a straight line. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.