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orsmupdate 2022.05.12-20..24

Welcome to right where you're supposed to be (here).

Fucking hate this time of the year. Have I said that already this year? Probably. Might be wise to keep a few of those in the barrel come to think of it. 2022 has been a real piece of shit in almost every possible way but that aside, the cold, wet, generally shitty weather is finally starting arrive. I'll long remember 2021 as being the worst winter pretty much EVER and my theory goes that after enjoying such a freakishly hot summer, we'll be punished with a brutal cold season. Great summer / horrible winter. Follow me for more meteorology tips. And after you've done that... check it...

My daughter just got a job at McDonald's. When she got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today. She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before. Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you a little so you learn to toughen up. But at the same time, I'm her father so I embrace her lovingly and say "Next time, don't forget my fucking fries then".
President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden, they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly. Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously. "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin. The driver replies "I'm president Putin's driver, and I just killed the pig".
A gynaecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive. After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring. It's the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologises for the delay. "It doesn't matter" answers the doctor. "Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?" "I accept, thanks!" she answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up and says "My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there is something funny going on!"
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful" she explains. "I was walking down High Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my
training came back to me in a minute". "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself from fainting!"
An 83-year-old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
A friend invited me over for coffee, and said "While you're here, I wonder if you can identify this tree, I have in my garden?". I took a peek out of the window and said "Sure, it's a dogwood". "But how can you be so sure?" they said. " I can tell by the bark".
The teacher addressed her class one day and told them all she wanted them to think of a sentence in which they used the word 'nice' and that they were to use the word twice. Susan put up her hand. "Yes, Susan?" said the teacher. Susan said "I went for a nice walk at the weekend and had a nice ice cream". The teacher replied "Well done, Susan, very good". Robert put up his hand. "Yes, Robert?" said the teacher. Robert said "I had a nice game of football with my friends yesterday and afterwards we all had a nice, cold drink". The teacher replied "Well done, Robert, very good". Little Johnny put up his hand. "Yes, Johnny?" said the teacher. Johnny said "My dad came home early from work one day last week and found Mr. Smith from next door in bed with my mum, and they were both naked. My dad looked at them both and said 'Oh, that's nice, that's fucking nice that is!'"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there" replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed" she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "No love!" screamed the old lady. "You can see better standing on the dressing table!"
I used to own a wheelbarrow that was full of four-leaved clovers. Had to get rid of it in the end; realised I was pushing my luck.
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer" said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious" soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
My dad died last night. He died because we couldn't get his blood type for a blood transfusion. It was awful, and I honestly don't know how to cope right now. I'm just holed up in my room, crying. I haven't slept yet and don't know if I can because I keep on seeing his face. We were there with him as he was passing. It was horrifying and devastating but I'm glad I was there for him. I held his hand as he was passing. He kept on saying "Be positive! Be positive!" And pointing to his IV. I appreciate the words of wisdom but it's just so hard to be happy right now.

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news". The patient said "Tell me the bad news first". The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger". The patient then said "What's the good news?" The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small".
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement. Withdrawn: $7,000,000.00. Balance: $0.00.
My son crawled for the first time while I was away on business. I also missed his first steps. I was now afraid I would miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always "No" until one day my wife said "Harry has something to say to you... 'Daddy, daddy'". I heard it over the phone and I glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said "You should come home as soon as possible". "Why?" I asked. "He was speaking to the dog".
Three men are in a pub. First man says "Talk about a shock, I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and there was a packet of cigarettes... I didn't even know she smoked!" "That's nothing" says the second man "The other day I went into my daughter's bedroom and I found a half empty bottle of vodka... I didn't even know that she drank!" "That's nothing" says Paddy "I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and found a packet of condoms... I didn't even know she had a cock!"


A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" St. Peter replied "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter".

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word" St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word" answered St. Peter. "It's your choice". The woman promptly replied "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E".

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. "I'd be honoured" she said "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realises it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried "why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied "Not yet. You must spell a word first". "What word?" he asked. The woman responded "Czechoslovakia".



Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>


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There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school.

His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George.

"George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"

George's parents immediately stormed into the classroom. "Our son is not dumb!" they yelled. "He is a sweet and kind young lad with plenty of potential!" "He has no potential at all!" shrieked Mrs. Jones. "He was born an idiot and he'll die an idiot!"

The Gunderson's were so outraged that they immediately moved to Chicago.

Some thirty years later, Mrs. Jones came down with a terrible illness and went to her doctor.

"You have a very rare disease" the doctor said. "There is only one doctor in the whole country who can sure your disease. His name is Dr. Gunderson, and he works in the Chicago hospital".

At once, Mrs. Jones bought a plane ticket to Chicago. After arriving in Chicago, she went straight to the hospital and asked for Dr. Gunderson.

While treating Mrs. Jones, Dr. Gunderson put her on a life support system. One day, she asked him "You know, Dr. Gunderson, I don't believe you ever told me your first name. What is it?"

Dr. Gunderson was about to answer, when suddenly, Mrs. Jones collapsed. She was dead.

Dr. Gunderson saw that the janitor had absentmindedly unplugged the life support system so he could plug in his vacuum cleaner. He shook his head and said to the janitor "You know, George, sometimes I can't believe you're my brother!"



Previously: #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - MORE >>

Four guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an Australian.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says "Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!"

The Australian glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him "Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back and protect you from the whiplashes. Let's start".

The bodybuilder steps up, with full conviction, he chooses a large and heavy metal shield to protect his back. Then, Satan starts with the whiplashes...

1... 2... and the shield breaks apart. The 3rd never came!

The bodybuilder screamed "Please NO, I give up!"

The Muslim steps forward this time. With a smug face, he asks for the physical manifestation of his faith to protect his back. He had done lots of terrible things, but it was all in the name of faith and it would protect him now.

1... 2... 3... and his faith began to waver... 4... 5... 6... and the sound of something breaking could be heard.

Before there was a 7th, he cries out pathetically "Stop, stop, stop. Please stop!!"

Here comes the Buddhist monks turn. He asks for no protection, for pain is in the mind, he will hide behind nothing, and his body would endure any torment!

1... 2... 3... and he grits his teeth... 4... 5... 6... tears could be seen in his eyes... 7... 8... 9... 10...

There is snot coming out of his nose and his back is badly mutilated. But he made it.

Now it's the Australian's turn. He is asked, by Satan, what does he choose to protect his back. The Australian ponders for a little while, and then calmly says "The monk".



An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for university.

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandma surmises the usual. It is fair that they are secretive, as her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic, she's sure she didn't raise him like that, but she wishes to tell him that she supports their relationship. In a discreet and proper way, of course.

The summer keeps going and the boys keep at their secret trysts, but the grandmother fails to find a way to tactfully mention that she can occasionally hear them at night. She does, from various context clues, pick up that his boyfriend, from his high school and going to university with him, is most likely the top, although she tries to not think about that.

Towards the end of the summer, her grandson seems especially interested in his appearance one night. She thinks little of it until she hears a ring at the door and lo and behold, there is her grandson's boyfriend, similarly well-dressed. She has to have a talk to them about their subterfuge, she's astonished that her son and daughter-in-law haven't figured out yet.

Unthinking, she blurts out a shout upstairs "Johnny! Your package has arrived!" Johnny comes downstairs, waving to his boyfriend and seeming confused.

"What did you mean about a package? It's just Steven".

She shrugs. She's been trying to do this tactfully for a while, and it hasn't worked, so it may as well be done tactlessly.

"Because he cums in the male".



Previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A man, when he died, wanted to be buried with all his money.

He decided to trust a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a doctor, and a third to his lawyer to bury it with him when he died.

After his death, at the man's funeral, the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest, with tears in his eyes, said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.

The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person's life.

The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says "How could you? You have betrayed a man's last request!" The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks "So your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?" "Damn right" he replies "I wrote the cheque for the full amount, not a penny less!"



Previously on Orsm: BIRTHDAY GIRL #2 - BIRTHDAY GIRL #1 - MORE >>

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck.

He says "I'm very particular so make sure it's from Peking".

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table.

The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around several times and sticks it up the duck's ass. He removes his finger and tastes it. He then turns to the waiter and says "I said I wanted Peking duck. This duck is from Nanking. Take it back".

The waiter dutifully returns the duck to the kitchen and returns in about 20 minutes with a different duck and sits it on his table.

The man again sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around and sticks it up the duck's ass. He then removes it and tastes, turns to the waiter and says "I said I wanted Peking duck. This duck is from Tongling. Take it back".

The waiter shrugs and dutifully takes the duck back to the kitchen.

A third time he returns with a duck.

The man again sticks his finger in the air, twirls it around, sticks it up the duck's butt, removes it and tastes. With frustration he turns to the waiter and says "This duck is from Nanjing! Take it back!"

The waiter takes the duck back to the kitchen.

A few minutes later the Head Chef comes out of the kitchen, walks up to the man's table, bends over, drops his pants and says "Sir, I'm an orphan. Would you please tell me where I'm from?"

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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you two idiots?"

She continues "It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and then put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table".

She sighs, and continues "It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them both their food, and refilled their water. "And NOW that you've BOTH decided to drag your-sorry-selves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence... listen... listen VERY carefully... because I'm ONLY going to say this ONCE... "I HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME TO MAKE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"



SECRETARIES previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't" the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!" says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman".

"Oh yeah, wise guy" growls the first guy "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because" the first guy responds calmly "I am Superman"

The first guy looks at the second guy incredulously and asks "And just why do you think that?"

"Because God told me I am Superman" the second guy responds.

At that point, a third patient sitting nearby them stands up angrily, looks at the two of them and says, You guys are both crazy fools. Also, I said no such thing!"


RANDOM SHITE 2022 05 12

Previously: 5th May - 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - 24th Mar. - 17th Mar. - MORE >>

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A pastor's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. "That's Dam Ham" he replies. "I beg your PARDON?!" the lady says "I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language".

The butcher explains "Oh no ma'am, I'm not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam". The woman apologises for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.

Later that evening, her husband comes home from church and asks "What is that Heavenly smell?" "That's Dam Ham" she replies. "Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor's wife was speaking in such a way?" "Oh no honey, I would never!" she responds "They call it Dam Ham because it's a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam".

She finishes making dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son.

After taking his first bite, the husband says "Honey, you've really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious! "Right on, dad!" The son says "Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?"


A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged. The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was adamant that he needed ice, he needed it now and price wasn't an issue. He shoved a few big bills of cash into the hands of the coach attendant. The large sum he was holding in his hand really motivated the attendant and he said "Let me see what I can do".

20 minutes later, he comes back with a small plastic tub full of ice. The guy congratulated him for his resourcefulness, got his bottle of whiskey and started making his drink in the plastic cup also provided by the attendant.

Two hours later, the guy came back to the attendant, slightly drunk and asked him to get some more ice.

The attendant says "I'm sorry I can't do that".

The guy presses on "But why not? You got it a couple of hours ago".

The attendant confesses "The thing is, the dead body was taken off the train at the last station".




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A man and woman get married.

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?" "No" replies the wife "That's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

So she calls her mother.

"Hey, mum, why did you cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, that's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

So her mother calls the woman's grandmother.

"Hey, mum, why did you cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, that's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

The great-grandmother wasn't alive anymore, but her husband was. "Hey, dad, do you know why mum always cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, when we were married the roast was always juuuust too big for the pan".


Well dudes that Orsm all over for another week... but do not fret!

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. There you'll find updates going back to last century!
-Next update will be next Thursday. You should know this by now.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get cross at you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mata ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.