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orsmupdate 2017.07.20-19.58

Welcome to get over yourself. Build a bridge.

Have been working like a fucking maniac lately. Haven't had a night off in almost 2 weeks, haven't socialised, as a matter of fact most of my contact with the outside world has been by phone [and have regretted answering every damn time]. Think I've left the house twice. First was to hit the local swap meet in an attempt to buy an old video camera. Umm dude why? Was cleaning out a box of junk recently and came across a tape. It's the old 8mm Hi8 or Digital 8 which means it can't be much newer than the late 90's. This is where things get harderish - I've never owned a handycam or camcorder or whatever you call them and none of my friends have one lying around. Also have absolutely no fucking idea what's on the video but potentially something incriminating or at least embarrassing so hesitant to take off to a video conversion place unseen. Therefore the best option is to find a bunky old camera and watch it that way. Surely I can find one on Gumtree or eBay or a swap meet right? NOPE! They just don't seem to exist anymore. Not locally at least... or if they do they are in the hundreds of dollars. Totally not worth it. You could never argue the world going digital was a bad a thing but when you think of all the people and all the homes and all the cupboards full of defunct electrical equipment, I would never expect that an old handycam would be quite so difficult to find!


The second time I left home this week was for a GP appointment. Got there bang on time, told the nurse who I was and grabbed a seat in the waiting room. And waited. And waited. And waited. About 40 minutes later the doc comes out and calls my name. Had a filthy fucking look on her face and was clearly annoyed. I couldn't help but ask if she was okay. Turns out she was indeed annoyed... at me... for being 40 MINUTES LATE to my appointment. People Doctors are idiots.

Alright let's not write anymore and say we did. I've made sure this update was unnecessarily large today so hope you had nothing planned for the rest of your day. There's a fuck load of new vids and other stuff that will bring great joy, happiness and excitement to your life. Check it...

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I'm Hanging Out!Narcos Season 3: Netflix Release Date, Trailer, Cast, Rise Of The Cali Cartel & Demise Of Pablo Escobar - Horny GrandpaCocaine Makes Grandpa Horny - Fucks GivenPublic Fornicators Want Us To Watch. That's Why They Pop Into A Glass Phone Box For A Steamy Fuck On A Rainy Day. - Holllllly Shit!!You Know The Older Sister From Modern Family? Sarah Hyland? Well Here's Some Stolen Pics Of Her Naked! - Em Rat SlipEmily Ratajkowski Nipple Peek Down Blouse View - Epic BoobiesAriane Saint-Amour... Here’s Her Naked While Taking A Bath. Yes, She Has Tattoos, Piercings And Huge Tits, But If You’re Into That, She Is Very Awesome. - Fit GirlsI Don't Know About You, But I Like Girls That Are In Shape. It Should Be Too Crazy, So That She Still Looks Like A "Woman", But A Fit One! - ShockingElder Beaten By Granddaughter

The Humanity!Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Maid FantasyForced The Cleaning Lady Into Fucking - Sex KittenBlonde Chick Takes It Hard On Webcam As She Cries - Typical PriestPriest Molests Young And Naive Girl - Innocent? NopeSmoking Hot And They're Into Having Sex Anytime. It's Qualities Like This That Turn Your Average Girl-Next-Door Into An Amateur Sex Star Overnight. - First TimerLOL First Timer Doesn't Understand How Porn Works - FateOut Of Control Truck Rolls At An Intersection And Crushes Cars. Poor People Had No Fucking Chance. :-( - Looking FINEIn Case You Were Wondering, Everyone’s Favourite It Girl - Bella Hadid! - UnhingedAlright Guess What Drug She's On!? (My Guess Is All Of Them!)

Happy Slutday!Mae Meyers is turning twenty years old, and to mark the day she's gang banging a dozen black dudes for money. She's blowing 20 candles, 12 darkies and she's not even legally allowed to drink yet! - Phunny PixPhun's Funny Pictures DCLXV - DramaticPeople Are Calling This 'The Most Pathetic Suicide Attempt Ever' - VoluptuousViola Is Back And She’s Doing A Pink Dildo! That’s What Matters! - Bella BralessBella Thorne Braless In See Though Lace Corset - Viral GoddessThe 19yo Became An Online Sensation After She Fondled Herself In A 31-Minute Clip Filmed At Oregon State University As Students Walked Behind Her. The X-Rated Video Was Shared Over 250,000 Times Online. - ForcedBrazilian Girl Forced By Couple To Have Kinky Sexy Time - Daddy IssuesAn Undeniably Epic Compilation Of Porn Starlets Getting The Fuck Fucked Out Of Them In Glorious Ways - Pussy SlipAva Capra Upskirt Entering The Limo

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy". The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection...?" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realises something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look "So why the hell did you run?"
A guy goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and says "I have good news and bad news". "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "You have an incurable disease" says the doctor "You only have 6 days to live". "That's terrible!" says the patient "But what's the good news?" "Its spring" says the doctor "the days are getting longer".
A surplus is when politicians can't decide on where to waste all our money.


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Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. 

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck".


SEX 09

Previously on Orsm: SEX #8 - SEX #7 - SEX #6 - SEX #5 - SEX #4 - SEX #3 - SEX #2 - SEX #1

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply "Yes I have a phone".

"The driver of the Yugo says "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says "Yes, I have a refrigerator".

The driver of the Yugo says "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce" the driver of the Rolls snarled arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said "You got me out of the shower for that!?!"


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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumoured Magical Notes that musicians had theorised must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note.

And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realised there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7".



Previously on Orsm: NURSES #1

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-Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
-My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.
-I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
-I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
-Bought a litre of White Out yesterday. Huge mistake.
-Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half.
-I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
-Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
-The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
-Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
-Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
-Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam program I've seen in a long time.
-My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.
-Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
-I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
-I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
-A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
-I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
-I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
-A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
-I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
-What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
-eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
-My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
-My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.
-Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
-Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
-I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy Days.
-Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
-My wife's working in a bowling alley. Ten pin? No, permanent.
-I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
-I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
-I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
-How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
-My math teacher called me average. How mean!
-Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
-I've just written a song about tortillas... actually, it's more of a rap.
-A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
-Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
-If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
-Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
-If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
-When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.
-What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
-Dad: I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Mum: Is it common? Dad: It's not unusual.
-Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
-Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
-I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
-I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
-My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
-If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
-Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad" he replied. "You're in Ireland now" replied the teacher "So from now on you will be known as Mike".

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike". "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?" she asked. "I was attacked by two fuckin' Muslims that's what!"



Previously on Orsm: SEE THRU #4 - SEE THRU #3 - SEE THRU #2 - SEE THRU #1


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired however (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because she probably doesn't have health care and her hospital stay won't be covered visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I love a happy ending!


RANDOM SHITE 2017 07 20

OLDER SHITE: 13th July - 6th July - 29th June - 22nd June - 15th June - 8th June - 1st June - 18th May

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Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camels died". Paddy replied "Well just give me my money back then". The farmer said "Can't do that. I've already spent it". Paddy said "OK then, just bring me the dead camel". The farmer asked "What are you going to do with him?" Paddy said "I"m going to raffle him off".

The farmer said "You can't raffle a dead camel!" Paddy said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked "What happened with that dead camel?" Paddy said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back".

Paddy now works for a large bank and yesterday got offered to work for the federal government as a Financial Planner.




An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next".

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!" Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him".

God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue". "Yeah, right" Satan laughs "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"



Previously: BATH TIME #6 - BATH TIME #5 - BATH TIME #4 - BATH TIME #3 - BATH TIME #2 - BATH TIME #1


A young man in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around the store. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him in the checkout line and she turned to him and said "I hope that I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son". "That's okay". he answered. "I know its silly" she said "but if you'd just call out, goodbye mum as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That will be $157.57" said the checkout chick. "Why so much?" he asked. "I only bought 3 items". The clerk relied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too!"

Moral of the story: old people are cunts.





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-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and asstarded bananas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.