Welcome to Orsm.net. Need help killing a whale? There's a Jap for that!

Ah bliss. It's nice to have a non-manic week whereby someone/something didn’t monopolise all my time. Really the only interruptions were a dinner thing on Tuesday and getting the car serviced. Smooth sailing beyond that. The result is for a change I'm not writing this half an hour before update deadline and there's a possibility I'll make bed before 2am. Mental.

The downfall of society is well underway. Came across this the other day. Know a couple of them but 90% are new to me. Is that really how 'the kids' are talking these days or has a website just cobbled together a big list of random letters that two dudes used one time when they were stoned and suddenly it's what everyone is doing? Sadly if I do ever receive a 'FMLTWIA' text it'll be an opportunity missed. I still haven’t come to terms with people using 'ur' in place of 'you're'. Seriously if this catches on I'm ditching my phone.

My other pet peeve lately is black girls and the 'azz shakin' videos they're flooding the internets with. It's at the point if I see one more overweight black girl spend 5 minutes jiggling her arse, moving side to side thinking she's all that I'll snap. Obviously there are the sicko's out there who find that hot because there's usually a whole bunch of "ma gurl gat dat azz 4real" comments but all it says to me is 'FMLTWIA'.

Weekend wrap... because I have to fill the page so shut up. No really - shut up.

Saturday Saturday. Realised it's been a while since I saw any snail mail and after a few phone calls worked out that the redirection for my PO box had lapsed. Mid April as it turns out. Not the worst thing to ever happen because the pile of unopened mail on my desk had stopped increasing, albeit temporarily.

From there it was the usual grocery shopping expedition and the rest of the afternoon planted squarely at the computer researching and reading. Started with kitchen renovations, then bathrooms, moved onto antique chair design, a brief dalliance into digital cameras and eventually back to kitchens. It's somewhat ironic that for all the hours spent at the computer I never seem to find the time to sit down and research things that interest me.

Managed to check out a couple of films from the sci-fi list you guys put together. First up was Sunshine. Entirely watchable but too much of a 'look at how good we can do CGI'. The other one was Deja Vu. Not bad but very predictable. I'll muscle on with the list.

Okay that will do it for the boring blog babble. Hopefully no one bothered to read because it wasn't one of my best... if there is such a thing? Such is the curse of an ordinary week. With any luck I've more than made up for it with what you will find below. Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking have. This update is jam packed of the coolest shit going anywhere EVER. Just make sure you aint CD9 before getting NIFOC. Check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads no matter where you are! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Play The Game - Perfect Tits - Close Call - Smell Phone - College Girls - Hayden's Toe - Hilarious - Lick Da Ballz

Upper Hand - Impressive - Shattering Butt - Guido Dancing - Nasty Prank - Hotness - Beatboxer - Jumped

Absolute Bad Ass - Drunk Ref - Crazy Crash - Poppin Booty - Bounce Rack - Mariah Nips - Dozing Off

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married". "Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks. "Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee." the mother says. The daughter replies "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink...?"
--
Mathew Johns got his job back at channel nine. The female apologised and said she wasn't aware of the unlimited interchange rule.
--
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
--
A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home. "It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."

ORSM VIDEO

Havana Ginger

Angry Old Gay Guy

Building Collapse

1988 Computer Virus

Fuck Her Good

Blonde Mic Check

Common Sense Has Failed

Obama Youth Group

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - forgive. Free your mind from worries - most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less

NOW... enough of that... the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

LELA STAR

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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had fuck all", he says, "F-U-C-K-A-L-L".

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast".

ORSM VIDEO

Very Hard Fuck

How They Steal Your Shit

No Way He's 14

Shipwreck Yacht

Masturbation

Scaring The Garbo

Get Some Air

Volvo Rollover Test

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life! Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!! As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

BAD TASTE OR GOOD FUN...?

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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!

t.t. wrote: Subject: RE: Subject: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Hey Orsm What's Up! Indeed the windows calculator gives 12345678987654321. But if you trust Mr. Gates products then you should go with Excel that gives 12345678987654300 (see attached) Okay try this: in the Windows calculator do 111,111,111 x 111,111,111. You get 12,345,678,987,654,321 BUT if you copy the output directly from the calculator into Excel it comes up as 12,345,678,987,654,300. I think a wormhole may be opening... -Orsm

Gerry wrote: Subject: Emailing just a quick note in regards to the "tiger with downs syndrome", it is actually a tigron. a hybrid breed of tigers and lions, the interesting thing is that there are two different kinds of mixture that can be attained; the first, tigrons, are male tigers mated with female lions and prone to the mangled grill, and are not as big. the other is the liger, male lion bread with a female tiger, these beauties are prone to gigantism and keep the lion colourings with, usually faded, tiger strips down the back and across the shoulders. no burly mane and the males are infertile, but they can easily grow seven feet long and reach twelve foot high ledges.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hey Long time orsm fan here.. don't send much, actually pretty much never.. but I just saw this and HAD to share.. This is a female to male transition trans-sexual..who is only half way there.. I saw this ad on craigslist, they were looking for a good lay. Enjoy. Anytime I've ever called someone a 'nasty cunt' that's pretty much what I had in mind. -Orsm

andy wrote: Subject: laughed my ass off at this! Keyword targeted advertising strikes again! -Orsm

Ewe wrote: Subject: Love Bugs Greetings from western Pennsylvania. I have an update for you. They finally finished the paint jobs on "The Love Bugs", thought I'd share the results with you.

dale wrote: Subject: Launching Water craft launching Lebanese style

Abiodun wrote: Subject: BitchesBrew Hi Orsm, I saw this sign board in Freemantle when I visited Oz, it's kind of funny to know that Bitches can actually brew!!! Unless it's owned by a Kiwi and it would be pronounced Bitches Bro... BOOM-tsssh -Orsm

Stuart wrote: Subject: Lots of choice... Just type in the first 3 words. Lots of choice should you need any confirmation...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Google Maps hey mate, thought i would pass this interesting fuck up of google earth on to you normally when you on street view, and look below you, there is a shaded image where they have photoshopped the image and put road there. try this: type in 83 falconer street, west ryde, NSW Australia and hit street view. NOW when you look below you, the actual vehicle with the camera rig is visible ive included a sample image for your readers who arn't exactly google earth trained.

Vincent wrote: Subject: Would you ?! You've both been drinking heavily all day......... you get back to her place.......... she heads upstairs to slip into something more comfortable........... it seems like she's been gone forever........ you head up expecting to seal the deal............ the question is........ would you??

Franso wrote: Subject: Lightning This is what it looked like here this morning! Just gotta love Cape Town in the winter!!!! brrrrr

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics of ex heres some pics of an ex - enjoy mate, and please put them up on the sit. greetings from cananda, oh and please with hold my info, thanks

doak wrote: Subject: Presidents and their leading ladies... A quick look at how Presidents and their leading ladies age during the tenure as President...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Guess the girl hi guys. love the site but a once a week update is not enough. here are some pics of a ship mates girlfriend a lovely kiwi girl who liked me more than him. ps hide my details for me. keep up the great work

lisa wrote: Subject: we breed em tough in QLD,,,,, our resident (massive)green tree frog during and after eating a red belly, he disappeared for a few days (guess he was off trippin somewhere)

Terry wrote: Subject: Red Arrows The British Red Arrows arrived in Crete today flying over the harbour. Here are a few shots taken by a friend of mine that now lives there.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pics Here are some pics that I got from a friend. She's in the military and quite hot. Please hide my details. Fuck yeah. -Orsm

ORSM VIDEO

Gag That!

Public Nudity Ownage

Celebrate

Reseal A Bag

Korean Couple

Brat Tantrum

Extreme Jeep Jump

Shaking Some Ass

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DREAM GIRL CODY

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INTERESTING ANAGRAMS

DORMITORY
... when you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
... when you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
... when you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
... when you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
... when you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
... when you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
... when you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
... when you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
... when you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
... when you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
... when you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT
... when you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
... when you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
... when you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And finally:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
... when you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

RANDOM SHITE
No explanation necessary. Just click the titties and enjoy what's within. Check it...

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QUALITY ASSURANCE
To achieve high efficiency and safety standards the new guidelines pertaining to pipe are as follows:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6.All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
8. All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
17. Scottish regiments in the Army use Army Pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.

TANKS FOR COMING

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Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies" knickers and thongs." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts "em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

ORSM VIDEO

Satisfying For All

Fire Jumping Dog

Whale Takes Out Boat

You Mean Like Democrats?

Mind Blowing Blow Job

Sickening. Brutal. Shocking.

WTF?

Dump A Load

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... and I didn't land.

DON'T LOOK DOWN

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Tiz all. Oh dammit! Tiz all except for this:

- Check out the site archives. Better than butter is what they are.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Have I ever let you down?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will steal your Snuggie.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a good long weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.