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This update is solid. Couldn't bring myself to delay it a couple more hours writing something worth reading. Maybe I just care too much? Check it...
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Just stick out your tongue!"
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey. They thought they would have some fun with him. "Hey, boy" called out one of the soldiers "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?" "Sure am" said the boy "If I didn't he would probably join the Army".
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know" said Melba "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore". "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion".
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his". Moe looked over and pointed out "But you're holding yours with four fingers". "I know" said Joe with a sigh "but I'm peeing on three of them".
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said "You know my name. What's yours?" "We're not allowed to give our names" I replied "but my operator number is 4136" Sounding disappointed, he said "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
"Say, Jim" Steve said to his pal "how do you like your new job?" "It's the worst job I ever had". "How long have you been there?" "About three months". "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home".
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor" says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "The nurse told me that I will be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not" replies the doctor. "Hmmm, then I better start learning how to read music".
After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini" he replied. "You'd never get it all in one". He's still in intensive care.
A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying "That's not quite what I had in mind". Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer "That's not quite what I had in mind". Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts "I'd like a divorce". He answers "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much".
I'm not saying I drive a small car... but whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
Nerd SexedGaming And Anal???? Looks Like Fun! - Hate Bukkakeulzy Fuck Ups And Wtf Behind The Scenes Footage Of What Happens When Girls Don't Like Getting Ejaculated On By Over 50 Guys. - It Can HappenThe Real Danger of Camgirling - Literally"Don't Blow Smoke Up My Ass" - Seeya Fucko!Robber Gets Shot Dead Point Blank By An Off Duty Cop - Pretty Sexy!Ireland Baldwin's Bare Breasts For Some Photo Shoot - Ella KnoxIs “Oils” A Word? It Should Be Because It Perfectly Describes What Busty Babe Ella Knox Is Doing To Her Boobs After Getting Naked In These Pics! - Anal RegretQuick, Somebody Get The Jaws Of Life! Anal Regret In 3..2..1.. - Phunny PixFunny Pictures DCLXXX
Sex Crime?Jasmine Dreamer Rubs Vagina Juice On Airbnb Hosts Books - Going SoftMeet Arnost, A Self-Proclaimed "Sex Machine" That Thought He Would Be "Very Successful" In Porn... Until A Porn Studio Proved Him Very Wrong. - Meaty VagCS Presents: Merlin's Vagina [Will Make More Sense After You See The Video!] - Frisky NunThe Nympho Nun Nurse Has Dedicated Her Life To Helping Others. Whether It's The Flu, Or A Throbbing Knob, She's There To Help. - Anal VirginityYup, Feels Like The Very First Time - Cum DumpsterHow Many Cocks Can She Handle???? Uh... Quite A Few! - Sex GoddessAmateur Babe Is Beyond Hot With Those Glasses - No Chance They Never Saw It Coming. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck :-( - Ka-BOOM!He Called The Wrong Black Dude A Nigga
InhumanityI'd Touch Myself Too If I Was That Hot! - Remember Her?Remember Denise Richards? Here She Is In All Her Naked Glory. - Margot NipsApparently You Can See Margot Robbie Nipples... - Jet BlackSkyla Novea Goes Dark For The Brazzers’ House Finale! - Decent RackIndia Westbrook Nipples Through White Top - 'Squirt' ClassA 'Squirting' Class???? You Can Learn Anything In College! - Slutty TeenTeen Amateur Without A Hair On Her Pussy Gets Fucked - OMG Winning!Looks Like All Those Yoga Classes Paid Off For Juanita! - TalentedBest. Talent. Show. Ever.
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day". Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know... I'm 140 miles away!"
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied "That tasted like bull shit!" The doctor replied "It was, Jesse, you were a quart low".
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub. Mick says to Paddy "I can't be bothered to walk al dat way". "Me either" says Paddy "but we got no money for a cab, and we missed the last bus". Mick suggests "We could steal a bus from the Depot". They arrive at the Bus Depot and Mick tells Paddy to go get a bus while he keeps lookout. After shuffling around for ages Mick shouts "Paddy what are you doin, have you found one yet?" Paddy shouts back "I can't find a No 91? "Oh bejeesus ye thick sod - take a No 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THERE'S MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT FLYING...
Apparently only five per cent of the world's population has ever been on an aircraft. If that stat is correct then this this bunch of stuff about aircraft and aviation is going to come as a surprise to a lot of people. Some very interesting stuff her. Enjoy.
-It's projected that the use of the iPad as an electronic flight bag will save American Airlines 400,000 gallons of gas, or $1.2 million worth of fuel, every year. It replaces 24 million pages of paper documents overall for the carrier.
-One windshield or window frame of a Boeing 747-400's cockpit costs as much as a BMW.
-In 2006 a woman farted and tried to use matches to cover up the smell. This caused an emergency landing.
-English is the international language of flight. All flight controllers and all commercial pilots who fly on international flights are required to speak English.
-Guinness record holder for the world's smallest jet BD-5 Micro. The aircraft appeared in the opening sequence of the James Bond film Octopussy. The BD-5J version holds the record for the world's lightest single-engine jet aircraft, weighing only 358.8 lb.
-KLM is the world's oldest airline, established in 1919. Qantas is the world's second oldest airline, established in 1920.
-About 1 in 5 people have some of fear flying. Its known as 'aviophobia'.
-Increases in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere are increasing the incidents of airplane turbulence.
-In 1934 United Airlines was forced to split up into three companies by Federal antitrust actions. The three companies that came out of the split were Boeing, Pratt and Whitney, and United Airlines.
-United Flight 23 from New York to Dublin in the year 2013 was hit by a severe air turbulence, it was so serious that the pilot had to call in Air Traffic Control to arrange Ambulance at the Airport.
-In the 10 years from 2004 to 2014, Airbus has received 8,933 orders for new jets while delivering 4,824, and Boeing has received 8,428 orders while delivering 4,458.
-Some airlines will not let an adult male passenger sit next to an unaccompanied child. British Airways was sued because of this practice and lost, admitting to sex discrimination. They have since ended the policy but other airlines still defend it.
-The longest endurance flight (refuelled and manned) lasted almost 65 days in a Cessna 172 in 1968 to promote a Nevada hotel. That record still stands.
-As the first, second and third in the chain of command, America's President, Vice President and Speaker of the House of Representatives never fly together because if the plane crashes and they are all killed, the government would come to a screeching halt. Similarly, Britain's Prince Charles and Prince William do not fly together, as they are respectively second and third in line to the throne.
-An aircraft takes off or lands every 37 seconds at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.
-The world's largest passenger jet, the Airbus A380, can fly a distance of 15,700 kilometres nonstop at a cruising speed of Mach 0.85, or 900 kilometres per hour.
-Airplanes typically fly at an altitude of around 35,000 feet. If Earth were the size of a desktop globe, a plane at that height would be flying at only 1/10 of an inch off the surface.
-On July 23, 1983, Air Canada's Flight 143, with 69 people on board, ran out of fuel at an altitude of 41,000 ft. The pilot managed to glide the plane down safely as he was a very experienced glider pilot. 22,300 pounds of jet fuel had been put in instead of 22,300 kg.
-In 1987, a Steven Rothstein bought a lifetime unlimited first class American Airlines ticket (known as AAirpass) for $250,000. He flew over 10,000 flights costing the company $21,000,000. They terminated his ticket in 2008.
-It is highly unlikely that lightning would bring down an airplane. Pilots track and avoid most storms by flying around or above them. In the rare cases where they must fly through electrical storms, the metal from the plane serves as protection. In addition, all aircraft have built-in lightning protection systems that defend against electrical build-up.
-In 1920s and 1930s, pilots were given "Blunder Trophies" for making silly mistakes while operating airplanes.
-A child born in US airspace is a US citizen by birth.
-There have been more astronauts than pilots who have flown the Concorde, which is now out of service. The Concorde was a turbo jet-powered, supersonic passenger jet airliner in service from 1976 to 2003.
-Singapore Airlines spends approximately $700 million on food every year and $16 million on wine.
-In 2003, a Boeing 727 took off without authorization from the airport in Luanda, Angola. It hasn't been seen since.
-Largest jet by Airbus is the A380 while the largest jet of Boeing is 747-8I. Boeing claims the 747-8I to be over 10% lighter per seat and have 11% less fuel consumption per passenger, with a trip-cost reduction of 21% and a seat-mile cost reduction of more than 6%, compared to the A380.
-Unlike most airlines after 9/11, who collectively lost over $50 billion and shed 160,000 jobs, Southwest Airlines didn't lay off one employee or ground one flight to save money. Also, when it opened at BWI Airport, fares dropped 70% and the number of passengers increased sevenfold.
-Pilots spend a quarter million dollars on their education and training.
-In the U.S.A., over two million passengers board over 30,000 flights each day.
-The pressurisation of an airplane cabin alters the function of taste buds, causing a decrease of up to 30% in the ability to taste saltiness or sweetness. This is one of the reasons so many people dislike airline food.
Previously on Orsm: MOUNDS #4 - MOUNDS #3 - MOUNDS #2 - MOUNDS #1 - MORE >>
Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.
The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation. The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. "I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me".
They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here?" the Missionary says "They are all white except that one over there that's black!" The Chief pauses a moment and says "I'll do a deal with you. You don't say anything about the kid and I won't tell anyone about the sheep, okay?"
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"...
Previously on Orsm: ONE BOOB OUT #4 - ONE BOOB OUT #3 - ONE BOOB OUT #2 - ONE BOOB OUT #1 - MORE >>
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THERE'S MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT FLYING [CONTINUED]...
-In 1974, there was a "Not-For-Profit" airline named Freelandia that served organic food and had waterbeds. The airline went bankrupt in under a year.
-Air India was originally Tata Airlines in 1932, after which a majority of it was bought over by the Government in World War 2.
-If your airline can't get you to your destination between one and two hours of your scheduled arrival on a domestic flight, or between one and four hours on an international trip, it owes you compensation of 200 percent of the one-way fare to your destination, up to $650. Believe it when I see it though.
-Passengers on a three-hour flight will shed up to 1.5 litres of water.
-The Boeing 747 wing-span (195 feet) is longer than the Wright Brothers first flight of 120ft.
-Hiring standards for flight attendants used to be extremely strict. In the late 1930s, cabin crew had to be women under the age of 30. They could not weigh more than 118 pounds, and for a period of time they also had to be registered nurses.
-Ever wondered who captures these beautiful flying aircraft portraits? These are taken by a special airplane which has the ability to open the door mid-air with a wider angle of the sky.
-Airlines don't pay tax on fuel.
-The world's fastest airplane is the Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird, flying at 2,193 miles per hour. It has held the record for nearly 40 years.
-You shouldn't travel if you have severe cold, as it can lead to damage to your ears drums and you may lose your hearing
-Nervous fliers might like to try Qantas, which has a zero-fatality safety record.
-Research indicates that people fall in love with flight attendants at first sight more than any other professions.
-The world-wide 747 fleet has logged more than 78 billion kilometres, equivalent to 101,500 trips to the moon and back.
-Airline pilots are paid only for time in the air, which doesn't include time spent getting to and from the airport, performing pre-flight duties, or waiting for delayed planes.
-You can cancel within 24 hours for no charge.
-On 18 May 1990, Jim Swire, whose daughter died in the Lockerbie bombing, took a fake bomb on board a British Airways from London Heathrow to New York JFK and then on a flight from New York JFK to Boston to show that airline security had not improved.
-Sometimes pilots tend to forget about the fasten seat belt sign. You will know this, if you notice the sign has been on for the last 45 minutes in smooth air. Some captains will leave it on all the time.
-Research shows that the first 3 minutes after take-off and the final 8 minutes before landing are when 80% of plane crashes happens.
-Aircraft radar cannot detect turbulence.
-Most commercial pilots aren't paid by the month, but by the flying time they put in.
-The tires of a Boeing KC-135 jet tanker's landing gear consist of 8 main gear wheels and two nose wheels. This is enough material to make 100 automobile tires.
-The wing-span of the A380 is longer than the aircraft itself. Wingspan is 80m, the length is 72.7m.
-In 1947, Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
-The Boeing 767 sucks in enough air through its engines to fill a Good Year Blimp in 7 seconds.
-In 2013, an American Airlines flight from LA to NYC made an unscheduled stop in Kansas City to offload a passenger who wouldn't stop singing "I Will Always Love You".
-You should never flush the toilet while sitting on it. The pressure is so high it may cause harm to you.
-Those blankets probably have not been washed. Also, there's a solid chance your tray table has baby poo on it.
-The risk of being killed in a plane crash for the average American is 1 in 11 million. The risk of being killed in a car accident is 1 in 5,000.
-Delta Airlines contract has a specific line allowing each passenger from Hawaii to carry one box or bag of pineapples.
-Ever you ever wondered about a tiny hole in the airplane window? All the windows on aircraft have those holes. They are called "breather holes" and are meant to regulate the amount of pressure that passes between the window's inner and outer panes.
Sauces: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy".
Previously on Orsm: SEE THRU #5 - SEE THRU #4 - SEE THRU #3 - SEE THRU #2 - SEE THRU #1
There were three guys, Bill, John and Gary. They travelled all the way to the top of a mountain because there was a rumour of an old legend that if you climbed to the top of this one mountain you could jump off and have any wish you would like.
So when they finally reached the top John said to Bill "Umm... hey you know you were the one who made this possible so why don't you go first?" he said because he didn't think it would work. "No that's okay you can go first John" Bill said pushing John off the side of the mountain.
"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"John yelled. "Quick make a wish Johnny-Boy!" Gary yelled out. "I... I WISH I WAS AN EAGLE!" John screamed as he surprisingly turned into an eagle before their eyes. "YEAH!!! I'm an eagle! Awesome... but umm...okay uh... now how do you fly this thing?" he asked himself as he flew into a wall.
The other two started to laugh. "Okay my turn!" Gary said. "Hmmm..." He jumped off and "I WISH I
COULD BE A BAT!!" he screamed as he started to look at the sun. "Aaghh I'm blind! I'm blind!" "Stupid..." Bill said laughing.
"Okay..." He started to ponder when he slipped and fell off the side of the mountain. "OH SHIIIIIIIIT!!" When he landed, he turned into a pile of shit.
OLDER SHITE: 5th October - 28th September - 21st September #2 - 21st September #1 - 14th September - MORE >
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There is a math teacher, science teacher, and a daughter of a Mexican stripper.
All 3 of them were going to HELL. So the devil tells them "I'll let you'll ask me a question and if I get it wrong you can go to HEAVEN. But if I get it right you stay here in HELL with me!"
So he asks the math teacher to give me a hard question and the math teacher does. Of course The Devil gets it right and tells the math teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for eternity.
He then ask the science teacher to give him a hard question. So the Science Teacher does and the Devil gets it right. He then tells the science teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for all eternity.
Finally it's the Mexican girls turn. The girl pulls up a chair, drills 3 hole in it, sits down and farts. She ask The Devil "What Hole did it come out of?" The Devil tells her the second hole. She tells him NO!! You dumbass! It came out of my butthole...!"
Previously on Orsm: PERVING ON MUMS #2 - PERVING ON MUMS #1 - MORE >>
One eventful day three nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them.
They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven St. Peter appeared.
"Before I let you in you all have to answer one question for me" he said.
He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?" The nun responded by saying "Adam and Eve". St. Peter accepted her answer and let her into heaven.
He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did Adam and Eve live?". The nun responded by saying "The garden of Eden". St. Peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven.
He then turns to the last nun and says "This question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while. Not knowing what the answer is she says "That's a hard one..." St. Peter says "correct!" and lets her into heaven.
Previously on Orsm: JUNE - ERIKA - NICOLE - JOSIE - ISABEL - JOY - AURELIA - DULCIE - LEANNA - MORE >>
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades, but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life".
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only travelled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend. "What's the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied "It's the wrong key!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're so good that illegal immigrants are trying to sneak in.
-Next update will be next Thursdayyyy hip hop hoorayyyy heyyy hoooo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will smash you with his fatness. How big is he you ask? Well put it this way - Ray is so fat that when he dies he'll be sunk off to coast to become an artificial reef.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Paul - I'll miss your emails mate. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.