orsmupdate 2014.09.11-17.49
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Welcome to always having thought something wasn't not something else.

What a boring week. Nice week. Boring week. A lot of repetitive monotony going on at the moment. Eat. Sleep. Work. Shit. Rinse. Repeat. Poor me. Could things be any worse...? I doubt it...

Friday is usually the first chance I have in any week to escape the confines of home and venture out into the real world. Sadly it's usually straight to the building site to do any shit kicking which needs doing and that's how last Friday kicked off, and remained, until mid-morning. I've been dreaming up a desk design for a long time now. Was basically 'okay let's build a house and a desk'. It's probably the most important part of an Orsm, update [not including my PC, servers, content, my time] so important to have something appropriate. The only prerequisite was it had to be big enough to comfortably fit 3 monitors plus all my other shit - box of rubber gloves, a box of tissues, a box of lube, bunghole stimulator etc. Ideally wanted the desktop to be a single solid piece of timber simply because I don't possess the tools to laminate lengths of timber together.

Annnyway now that the house has taken enough shape I can measure and plan the room layout and work out what will suit. I gathered this info and headed to a timber mill slightly south of Buttfuck Nowheresingtonville. Had dealt with the guy previously and he has some amazing solid slabs of timber. He showed me around, I say no to everything before landing on a pile of stuff which was perfect. Cost? If you have to ask then you won't jump when I insert my finger in your asshole. Oh and it doesn't include machining, docking, ripping, filling, sanding or lacquering. He did make a good point - once finished it would be worth in excess of $5,000... fantastic but it'd cost me half that to build and there's no plan to sell it. Also, people wanting to cough up $5k for a desk aren't lining up down the street.

Spent the next couple of nights researching alternatives and it actually took a random visit to a furniture store we happened to be going by to come up with inspiration. Hellooo plywood. I've spent so long thinking up elaborate finishes that the cheap and easy ones which won't require dozens upon dozens of hours in prep were completely overlooked. The next hurdle is finding a furniture grade ply the right length and then the right steel to make legs and frame. If it comes off the cost will be closer to $500 and will hopefully have exactly the same wow factor as the option costing 5 times as much...

Back at the house Saturday morning doing all whatever had to be done. Cleaning, digging, drilling, whatever. Really, really feels like shit is dragging at the moment. Or maybe I'm just tired and over it. Definitely tired of dedicating so much time and having everything and anything else I wouldn't mind having a crack at on hold. Even planning a short break away is impossible because someone idiot, me, has to be around to do stuff. PRO TIP: don't ever build a house. Might seem like a good idea; it's not.

Sunday was my first Father's Day. Decided to assume responsibility for breakfast in bed due to the little one being busy feeding and barely able to support the weight of her own head let alone cook me some motherfucking eggs. Only wanted a coffee anyway and there's no one else in the house who can make that happen in such a way it would be drinkable by a massive coffee snob. We slowly got our shit together and headed to the city for dim sum where dumplings were pounded like they owed me money. Walked out of there completely satisfied and promised to return soon. Next stop was to find a FD present before getting together with the fam for a lunch thing. Clearly wasn't hungry but roast lamb so come on...? Escaped the asylum a few hours later to visit mother dearest and finally made it home late afternoon. The day actually went better than expected... not because I had low expectations to begin with but because I got the first smile ever from my child. Now the race is on for her first word to be "daddy".

And with that we bring blogging to a close and move on to the cool part of the update. A labour of love has got us here - there's no other reason I can think of anyone would pour so much effort into a website unless they were quite stupido. Check it...

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Got My VoteThis May Be The Most Awkward Political Interview Ever - MuppetWatch Colombian Model Natalia Paris Do Literally Nothing As A DJ - Scare Pranks8 Hilarious Scare Pranks Played On Kids By Their Parents - Justified?Guy Films Drug Raid And Gets Arrested: Justified Or Not? - #iDidioticTwitter Responds With Ridicule And Hilarity To Arrival Of iPhone 6 - Sex & GodThe Religious Compilation - No ClueEver Seen People At The Gym Who Just Have No Clue? - See ThruJennifer Aniston Braless In Black See Through Dress - Aria's Back!Aria Giovanni In The Old West - JellydadJiggle Your Way Through The Puzzling Levels And Jiggle All The Way To The Jiggly Exit

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What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? No man ever paid to have a lentil on their face.
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar. Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you!" "Why not?" asked Billy. Little Johnny replied "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!"
A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong". "Let's begin with a few questions" said the doctor "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop!" "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never" replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it". The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes" said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head". "Okay" said the doctor. "That's the problem. Your halo is on too tight".


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-My dad said that when the ice cream van plays music its telling you its out of ice cream.
-When I was young, my mother's meanest lie was telling me that the truck driving through our neighbourhood playing music was simply a traveling music box, not the wonderful ice cream man. Now that I'm older and have a kid of my own, he gets ice cream whenever the ice cream man comes!
-"Mummy and daddy have a work meeting, that's why we have to get a babysitter". There is no work meeting. Mummy and daddy just need three hours of peace and quiet and a meal that doesn't include French fries.
-"The lunch lady calls me when you don't eat your sandwich".
-"That drawing is FANTASTIC!" Look, I'm your dad. I'm never going to tell you something you worked hard on sucks but why do you insist on playing this game where you make me guess what you drew? If I'm being honest, it looks like a sphincter with three arms - not Batman. In the future, just tell me what you drew so we don't set ourselves up for mutual disappointment.
-When I was really young, I used to take candy or food into the bathroom with me. My mother told me that if I was eating or chewing on anything while going to the bathroom, the candy would taste like pee and poop.  I still take my gum out of my mouth before I enter the bathroom.
-"Princesses always pick up their toys after they're done playing". I've never met a princess, but something tells me they don't spend a lot of time cleaning up after themselves.
-"They don't give you ketchup at drive-thru's".
-"No, I don't know where your art project went". Yes I do. I threw it away. Not to be mean, but because I have to. Seriously, buddy, you bring home five art projects a day from school. Our kitchen just isn't big enough for them all.
-I sucked my thumb until I was about 10 years old, my mother thought that I would never break the habit.  One day while we were visiting her brother-in-law, he saw me sucking my thumb and the ugly callous that had grown on it from years of sucking. He told me that his father had sucked his thumb and had the same bump and his thumb fell off a year later.  I knew that his father was missing a thumb, I never sucked mine again after that day.
-"Every time you flick the lights on and off, a fairy dies". Harsh? Sure. But do my kids constantly flick the lights on and off, anymore? No.
-"The cat is allergic to sand, so we can't have any in the house - for her safety".
-"My battery is dead". Can I play with your phone? Can I play with your phone? Sometimes I give in and placate you, but dammit IT'S MY PHONE AND I WANT TO PLAY WITH IT!
-My mum (being the second oldest in the family) and her older sister would tell my younger aunt that she was born in a cabbage patch, my aunt being very young, would burst out in tears and cry to her mother.
-"We have to leave this park right now, because there are killer bees". This one works, but it comes with consequences. My kids are really scared of bees now.
-"You didn't get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That's because she doesn't work the third Tuesday of the month. I should have told you. I'm sure she'll come tonight"...
-"No, I don't think you're getting a shot at the doctor's today". Actually, you're getting four shots. Which means I really didn't lie.
-My grandparents had a farm and we had just learned that ponies are different from horses, that they stay small and don't grow into horses. I told my brother, he was about seven at the time, that he was a "pony person" and that he wouldn't grow anymore after he turned nine.
-"Elmo is sad because you didn't take a nap". Simple, effective... no kid wants to disappoint Elmo. You can use that love to your advantage.
-"They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy".
-"We can't have a cat because you're allergic to them". We've never had you tested, so technically this might not be a lie either.
-When I was about five years old I had a pet bird named.  One day I came home from my grandma's house and the bird was gone. I asked my mum what happened and she said it got loose and flew up to heaven.  Being as young as I was, I thought it was pretty cool that MY bird made it all the way up to heaven so I wasn't very upset. 
-"Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up".
-"Harry Styles hates girls who don't listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth".
-"The dog ate your candy". Unlike cats, dogs are fantastic animals and man's best friend, but the truth is, I ate your candy.
-My Aunty Peg always used to tell me if I bit my nails I would grow a hand in my stomach.
-"It's very bad luck NOT to name every ant you see".
-"There are no cartoons on at night because that's when the characters sleep".
-"Babies are made when two people really love each other". Or when two people have too much wine. Or the condom breaks. Or mummy forgets to take her special pill. Or the vasectomy doesn't take.
-I was told that if I lied it would be written in big green letters all over my forehead.
-"Before they can fight, Superheroes have to pick out all the noises their punches and kicks will make".
-"It's such a shame; the movies, arcade, and bowling alley are all closed after 6pm on weeknights".
-"The toy store/candy store/Disney World is closed". I've told you no. Repeatedly. I've explained to you with perfect logic and reason why we can't go to any of the ridiculous places you're begging me to go. But you don't care. So now its closed...


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This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom "Sir, it is now 6 o'clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards". The groom looks at him and says "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door to the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 litres of orange juice!" Room service replies "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife?"

Room service asks "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies "I have to see if she can eat like a bunny too!!"


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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle" said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said "Mister, you've got yourself a deal".

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said "I can't get this mower to start". The little boy said "That's because you have to swear at it to get it started".

The preacher said "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to swear". The little boy looked at him happily and said "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"


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-When my kids were 6 and 8 years old, I took them to a video arcade. My sister brought her not-quite 3 year old along. I gave my sons a few quarters to play, and was about to give my nephew one too, when my sister stopped me and gave him a penny instead.  He took it and happily walked over to a machine.  My sons were horrified when their aunt explained "Oh he thinks he's causing the movement on the screen anyway, so if he's happy, what does it matter if he's not really playing!" My sons have never trusted their aunt since!
-"A large slice of cheese, when slotted into a VCR, will play a short film about cows".
-"The restaurant I'm going to with daddy doesn't allow kids or we would totally take you".
-"We're all out of ice cream". Until you go up to bed. Then it's ice cream city up in here.
-My dad told me that if I wet the bed the monster living underneath it would drown. My mother used to tell me that if I ate glue I would poop blood.
-"One in ten fish are afraid of water".
-"No, this isn't a brownie. It's a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fibre and even spinach in it. Do you want one?"
-"It's a tie". Bullshit! I won. Not only that, I mopped the floor with you. It wasn't even close. I'm not sure why I have to spare your feelings, since it'll only be a few years until you're older, I'm weaker, and you dance on my withered bones once you're able to defeat me in just about everything.
-My cousins once told me that if I skipped school my eyes would fall out.
-"Your daddy didn't go bald. He just likes having his hair cut that way".
-"Animals want to be eaten, it gives them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here's some chicken… go ahead make it happy".
-"Yes, your fishy has been very sleepy lately". Someday, when you're older and I'm mentally prepared, I'll tell you that Nemo now sleeps with the fishes but in the meantime, your sleepy fish will be totally reinvigorated as soon as the pet store opens.
-My sister told me once that if I peeked in her diary a flaming gnome would pop out and eat me.
-"Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes".
-"Unicorns are real, but you only see one when you're being really good. What, you haven't seen any? Well, you have to be even better".
-"Your mum and I were just... wrestling". Mum is on top of me because she's trying to pin me. No, you can't play too.
-My brother used to tell me that if I drank orange Fanta my pubic hair would turn orange.
-"Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time".
-"Babies come from the internet and that baby sister you wanted is on back-order".
-"We'll see". We all know "we'll see" is French for "not gonna happen". Why not just say "no"? Hmm, mum? Why didn't you just say no??
-When I was younger, my older brother and I use to tell my younger brother, Danny, that we adopted him from a Japanese family that didn't want him anymore.  Of course he wasn't adopted and wasn't even remotely Japanese - we were all Caucasian.
-"If you scatter drawing pins next to an ants nest and wait 'til it rains, they'll turn them upside down and use them as umbrellas".
-"Chuck E. Cheese is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there".
-"The park is closed". Now this is straight up lying. Also, what are you supposed to do when your kids yell out that they see people at the park as we drive past?
-My dad didn't have much hair and my sister and I used to ask "Where is your hair gone daddy?" My dad would say "Well when you two were born they took the hair off my head and put it on yours". My twin sister and I thought for years it was true.
-"If a frog pees on you you'll get warts". My mum hated frogs, lizards, and many other creatures we'd bring into the house. I guess this was her way of keeping at least one of them out of my hands.
-"I don't know where your toy is. You must have lost it". Throwing out (or hiding) our child's toys because it's annoying or filthy and then making them think it was their fault it went missing has got to mess with a kid's head. At least you'll be happier.
-My parents told me that the Easter Bunny was an evil bunny that made children's dreams into chocolate after he had stolen them.
-"If you cross your eyes they will get stuck that way". Kids love to make silly faces, but parents must despise seeing them or something because I'm not the only one who has heard this one.
-"It won't hurt. I promise!" We promise our kids the needle won't hurt, but then two seconds later, it does. A LOT. This only makes them incredibly distrustful of not just us, but doctors in general.
-My parents told me that if I'm nice, chocolates will fall from the sky. I actually believed it. I was closing my eyes and putting my hands up, and chocolates fell from the sky. Of course it was only my parents who threw the chocolates.
-"The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store".
-"If you hold in a sneeze your eyes will pop out". Scary enough to want to just let it out.
-"I'm leaving without you!"  Convincing our kids we're going to abandon them? That's pretty messed up, especially when our kids burst into tears and sprint after us.

-They said if I ever walked into their bedroom I may get shot with daddy's gun.
-"If you swallow your gum, it'll take 7 years to digest". I risked it a few times when I was afraid to get caught with it in my mouth, but I always worried about the backup of gum that must have been accumulating in my gut.

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome and extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20... on one condition".

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words". The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house".


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One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Cars, which sold the delightful Plymouth. She got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.

She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger". The owner replies "Well, let's see... oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What colour do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact colour to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says "I want this colour sonny". Nathan replies "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this colour". "But ma'am, they didn't make that colour! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot.

One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"


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A man and woman got married, and as they were old-fashioned, they had never had sexual relations. On their wedding night, as the man began to get undressed, his twisted and mangled toes came into view, causing his new bride to gasp.

"Oh" he said "I should have told you before now, I contracted Tolio as a child". "Tolio?" she said "Don't you mean Polio...?" "No" he said "look at my toes, I had a severe case of Tolio". The wife agreed that he did.

As he continued to undress, his multi-coloured and deformed knees came into view, again causing his new spouse to gasp. "After the Tolio, I contracted the Kneasles" the man said. "Kneasles...?" his wife replied "you don't mean Measles?" "No" he said "look at my knees, I had the Kneasles".

As he continued to undress, taking off his pants, his wife cried out loud "Oh my GOD, you caught the Small Cox, too"!!!


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At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!" he cries out in relief... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this" he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"


Time for me to go. Time for you to read on just a bit more...

-Check out the site archives. Updates going back 14 years. Fourteen. One-four. I shit you not. If you can't find something in there to entertain yourself then you must have a severe personality disorder.
-Next update will arrive magically next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will join ISIS and fuck pigs like all the other ISIS guys do.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't fuck pigs. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.




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