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Welcome to Orsm.net. Deep down, if I'm being honest with myself, I don’t really respect mass murderers.
Awww Thursday. Huggles. So how the hell is you all? I'll assume great... now that you're here. I'll assume excited... now they you're here. I'll assume aroused or envious... since reports of my massive penis went global.
Think I'm stuck in a nostalgia phase. Found this yesterday. Was our favourite cartoon growing up and must have seen it a million times but haven’t thought about it since I was a kid. This follows on from finally figuring out the name of a movie I've been looking for since forever. All I remembered was one particular scene about a boy with a weird family, whose sister didn’t have a mouth. Pretty vague but in less than two minutes and with thanks to the IMDB forums I had the title. Another that I knew the name of but couldn’t find/buy/see anywhere until recently [thank you internets] was Frog Dreaming. Always wondered why such an awesome kids movie never made it to DVD and after tracking it down online now know... comments and language that by today's standards would be deemed far too racist. For instance you just can't say abo's instead of aboriginals anymore.
I suppose this puts on hold my sci-fi search from a while back. There were some stellar must-see suggestions of which I'm still slowly working through, my favourite of which was definitely Firefly. Anyway with this in mind I'm wondering who can come up with some long forgotten films from the 80's? Stuff that you adored as a kid only to never see it since. Email me - I'll try and get a list going.
Moving on to my weekend, my life. Thought it would be a smart idea to do my weekly shopping a bit earlier than usual and as it turned out I'm not the only smart person out there. Matter of fact at the local behemoth shopping centre even at 10am there were far more smart people than car bays so after 10 minutes of driving circles I bailed and went elsewhere. It really shouldn’t be so hard to buy toilet paper and apples.
I suppose this signals the beginning of the Christmas season. Countless bodies cluttering up malls everywhere with one goal - to fuck me off. Well mission accomplished. You win again, Santa! It obviously also means that once again I've left my run to sort presents for 'loved ones' before retail insanity sets in, too late. This may be a good time to experiment with Ikea and Bunnings gift vouchers. "Oh I didn’t know what to get you so I'll let you decide..."
Anyway from there I went to a local shopping centre. Nothing overly remarkable about the experience except for a promotion happening in the car park - a bunch of guys carrying aerosol cans, running after people walking to their cars attempting to demonstrate their revolutionary cleaning products. I literally had to argue with the guy not to spray the shit on my car. According to him being fanatical about washing my car and having tried every single product on the market since I was 17 does not qualify me to know what I'm talking about. However making $6 an hour chasing people around a suburban car park does him. Go figure.
We went bowling that night. Don't laugh - not my idea. Number one: don’t really enjoy things I'm bad at. Number two: it's bowling. The thing that surprises me however is the popularity. If you don’t pre-book, you aint bowling. The place is wall to wall of families, teenage boys and girls dressed like Miley. Amazing how high-tech it's all gone too. The computer scoring thing is fast, tells you the ball speed, even shows video replays of the pins going down, there's projector screens over every lane, special lighting - it's decked out. My point... there's shit loads of cash in bowling alleys or the owner is just really passionate about bowling.
Sunday. Up early, cleaned aforementioned already relatively clean car in record time of 1:20mins [another benefit of not smoking] and sat down at the damn computer for the rest of the day. Probably the biggest, most egregious waste of what was a spectacular Sunday possible BUT in my defence I had no choice. The next three weeks are going to be mayhem so it's a choice between no updates or no weekends. I hope you ingrates fucking appreciate it... hah I know you don’t so the jokes on me.
Alrighty then... I feel like that's enough for one blog. Seems like a wasted couple of hours writing it when everyone scrolls past the damn thing but let's be honest here - without my words millions, possibly billions would have nothing in their lives. So umm... check it...
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born - couldn't walk for a year!"
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Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like.
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An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle says. The mouse replies, "2000 feet!? You ain't shittin' me, are you?"
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A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked. His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's a Moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
| SHAY LAREN |
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."
"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.
The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either!"
| RETIRED SPORTSCARS |
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
| INAKADATE RICE FIELD ART |
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail is an invisionary concept first introduced on Orsm which has been copied and rebranded on websites and in publications the world over. Essentially it relies on readers to submit interesting and thought provoking videos or pictures of ex girlfriends in compromising positions, friends doing foolish things, anything car related, mayhem and destruction, jokes - literally anything which can be emailed, hurled or willed my way. Contributors can remain anonymous whilst having their works immortalised forever in the Orsm Archives. And how do you do this? Simple. Just click here.
Stuart wrote:
Subject: Irish Soccer Insider
LOL. These look genuine enough. They can't be though, can they??!!! I know the
Frog is a short-arse, but this is excellent. The letters were leaked today showing a major breakdown in communication between the French Government and the Irish over the upcoming World Cup qualifying play-off. There's now a full-blown diplomatic row brewing.
Maybe this is why the French cheated...? -Orsm |
douglas wrote:
Subject: 21st prank on google maps
hey dude this is what my mates dad did on his 21st put these cordinates into google maps and zoom in 15kg of flour was used in the making of this... 27 26 36.49 s 153 09 06.74 e
Unlucky for Matt. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER...
Looking at the photos of "Hiroshima" it was obvious to me that those are actually photos of Yokohama. Most notable is Landmark tower, the clock ferris wheel. You can see this view from the Minato Mirai 21.
Had a couple of images about this. Seems to be true.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wogs...
Hey Orsm, haven't written before, long time reader, great site, keep it up, blah blah. Just thought I'd point out to one of your readers that 'wog' is a perfectly correct derogatory slang term for Arabs/Lebanese, North Africans, basically any dark skinned types from somewhere in Africa or Asia.
I too have a word that describes everyone. Can you guess it? Here's a hint: starts with a 'C' and ends with 'unts'. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Huge Barra
ORSM. Love the site. It's not a barramundi it is a Nile Perch caught out of the Nile scales on a Barra that big would be the size of a dinner plate these photos have done the rounds for about 10 yrs. |
Matthew wrote:
Subject: Clarkson Bulk Rubbish - PC Collection
As seen by a mate in Clarkson on the way home from work. Who could possibly have that many spare computers???
A super hacker... I'm sure there's millions of them in Clarkson... -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Deer loses head-butt with lawn ornament
A love-struck buck ran out of luck a week ago. The seven-point buck was killed when it rammed a 640-pound concrete statue of an elk. Bucks often fight during the breeding season, commonly called the rut. Dominant bucks defend breeding territories and female deer by sparring with subordinate bucks. Antler battles sometimes result in the death of one or both deer, but usually end with the biggest buck winning and the smaller buck high-tailing it out to another area. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey
i would like to stay anonymous if at all possible thank you. this is one of my ex girlfriends |
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Rich wrote:
Subject: Family Guy
Don't you just love it when the banner adds work out so well with the story? |
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Taz wrote:
Subject: For Reader Mail
Hey Orsm, Long time fan, first time poster. I live in Ottawa, Canada and since
its the seat of the federal government and the capital of Canada, most people call it the "Town that Fun Forgot". Well it looks like someone decide to rectify that with this addition to one of the local signs. Quite the professional job. Keep up the good work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Toilet
Mate! Was having some food at some jetty at some remote island North of Borneo (Malaysia) when I really had to go... But when I saw this, aarggh, I would rather shit elsewhere. rgds/Long Time Reader
Isn't this the shitbox from Slumdog Millionaire...? -Orsm
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Roast Turkey Recipe
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.......... Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays.
Ingredients:
1 whole turkey,
1 large lemon, cut into halves,
salt and pepper to taste,
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer,
Heat oven to 350 degrees,
Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts. Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit! |
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Miss J wrote:
Subject: funny add i found
hey there mr. orsm just wanted to share this with you my local newspaper printed this and i think they may not have looked at the business title properly, really funny.. PS: love the site |
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patrick wrote:
Subject: Just plain wrong headlines
I think these militants need to change their name...
I have to imagine that the MILF look something like this. -Orsm |
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The_Shitman wrote:
Subject: Dear Mr Orsm
I have visited your site so long I don't remember when I first saw it. I think its been well over 7 years but I could be wrong. I want to submit a few pictures here. I would like to submit this picture of my ex girlfriend who left me because I took up a very unique form of art. After taking several art classes at college I was inspired to try my hand at fecal art and have been hooked ever since. It has gotten me banned on the poopreport forums since 2002 but I could not let that stop me. Please feel free to not hide my info as I'm an aspiring artist!!
Holy fucking shit?! She really left you because you found a calling in fecal art? What's her fucking problem? What a bitch! Don't worry though - you'll have the last laugh when poop art hits the mainstream and you become famous. -Orsm |
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Broken Brakes
Customer Reported Some Brake Fade ?
This guy is driving behind you in traffic... -Orsm |
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: Hello
Hi. I saw the sky burial pictures in one of your last updates. I have traveled
through the same town (LiTang) in western China. Here are some photos. Unbelievable how many vultures there are. The body is gone in about 10 min. After that the "butcher" smashes the bones with an ax and feeds it to the birds. Usually the family sits just a few meters away, drinking tea and having flat bread. |
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V wrote:
Subject: You'll love this
Perhaps there is some connection here with why some people and dogs are attracted to each other Syria and Roscoe live at the Tigers sanctuary in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.The orangutan was in the rescue center and was not doing well. This old hound wandered in truly emaciated and the orangutan took to him the moment the dog arrived. He stayed with the hound night and day until he was well and during the process found a reason to live. They are now inseparable. A dog's not just a man's best friend, he's an orangutan's friend too.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: skanks! Jager Bombs!
I've enjoyed your site for a long time. Thanks!! Here are some photos of a skank-hoe showing her goods off at Hanging Rock state park outside of Greensboro, NC USA. Enjoy!! Hide info...
Umm... wow. -Orsm
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glenn wrote:
Subject: BANG aka KaBoom aka Revolver Mishap
Hey there got this email from a friend this is the reason you study how to reload ammo for handguns and firearms of all kinds hope to see this in the next update! A little reminder"DO NOT RELOAD AMMO FOR ANY FIREARM UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!" p.s. The guy got lucky this could have very easily killed him! |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Coffee with Mona Lisa??
Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups of coffee which have been made into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney, Australia. The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different shades!! |
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Mark G wrote:
Subject: Sculpture By The Sea in Sydney.
Hi Your Orsmeness, I went to the Sculpture By The Sea free open air exhibition the other day. It's held in parks and along the path between Bondi & Tamarama Beaches.
There were lots of interesting shapes there. Gotta luv Sydney!
Absolutely sensational. I'm adding you to my will. -Orsm
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Ewart wrote:
Subject: Ft. Hood Massacre
inside Ft. Hood & what dune-coons think of humans
The play by play was interesting... not sure that all muslims could be called dune-coons however... okay most but definitely not all. -Orsm |
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Iraq
Life in Iraq - A US soldiers POV
Fascinating. Requires PowerPoint or PP Viewer.-Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mum and daughter shopping
Hey Orsm, Love ya site. Found this the other night surfing the net thought you might like. Is this not the coolest mum in the world with the hottest daughter!? Wish more would do the same! Please hide my details & keep up the good work |
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ORSM
VIDEO
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: The country is in good hands under the new President, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says" "I can't! It's in Arabic!"
| EVA ANGELINA |
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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
| SAGGERS |
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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning?
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's me pretty much done... except for the guff:
- Check out the site archives. It's like orgasm x 100.
- I promise next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. Ray can fuck off because he's a faggot.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and masturbate like noboby's watching. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
