Welcome to but seriously - I make jokes about your mothers but I know that they're just pathetic sluts who have no lives and have sex with midgets.
I'm back and a couple of weeks away has done wonders for me. Relaxed, chilled out, happy and if I were any more tanned, I'd be forced to form a mob and string myself up from a tree. That said, some of the greatest hardships I've ever experienced have happened in the short time we've been back. For starters, finding the motivation to unpack suitcases was unbearable as was forcing myself to sit down in front of the computer and get this update finished. You can't even imagine how its felt waking up in the morning knowing that there won't be a buffet breakfast with various international cuisines to choose from. Like I said - it's been hard.
Nothing to worry about for you guys however. You're about to embark upon a brand new update of mammoth proportions that is guaranteed to titillate in ways you didn’t know you could be titillated. I probably don’t need to sell it any more than that. Check it...
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, the mother went outside and in a few minutes returned the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, mum?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".
A lady at a party was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good" she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion" she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple" replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers". "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind". "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cook book once" said the first "but I could never do anything with it". "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way "Take a clean dish and..."
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live". The patient asked "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied "Marry an accountant". "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No" said the doctor "but it will SEEM longer".
I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost" says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots" grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion". Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell".
On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I aint had no fun all summer". "Now Paul". she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?" "Get a boyfriend" Paul replied.
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels... because she's very good at doing them. Mum told her "YOU should say NO! They only want to look at your panties!" Susie replied "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack".
NOT Filtered: Slut RobbedPissing Fatty Gets Her Purse Snatched While Gushing Snatch! - Fucking FreddieWebcam Girl Fucks Freddie Krueger? LOL - S/Fucking Crazy!Just Another Day At The Park In The Hood, With A Crack Whore Blowing The Entire Neighbourhood For 20 Bucks - Nasty AF :-|That's What You Get When A White Woman Calls A Black Man A 'Nigger'... Ya'll Have A Nice Evening! - Rocket Man?I Now Have A New Understanding Of Kim Jong-Un's DICK-Tatorship. Rocket Man? More Like Rodman's Man! - Ready 2 BoneNot Quite Ready For Anal Sex That Deep Yet... Teen Spreads Her Cheeks And Instantly Regrets It! - Goth SlutObvious Daddy Issues Had Made This Pig Abuse Her Pussy Like A Rotten Piece Of Steak!
Incredibly DUMBRedneck Is Taking His 'Right To Bear Arms' To A Whole New Level! - She Is Legal..The Most Carded Girl In Porn - New Vagina[eFukt Classic] Her Vagina Lips Looked Like They Belonged In An Arbys Roast Beef Sandwhich. This Was Bad For Her Career So She Set Out On A Perilous Journey To Unbeef Her Pussy And Close The Gape Once And For All. - Dream GirlTechnically, The Perfect Woman - Fukn SexyLindsey Pelas Rose To Internet Fame From A Video She Did Based On Her Massive Fucking Tits... It’s Not All That Shocking Since Her Tits Are Great! - Cops WinCops Kill A Homicide Suspect In California - Hard To HateA Blonde Kim Kardashian Braless In See Through Black Wifebeater - LesBeFriendsYoga Teacher Angela White Is Having A One On One Class With Sexy Student Karlee Grey And This Sure Doesn’t Look Like Any Kind Of Yoga I’ve Ever Seen!! BUT, I Like It!
Vuvu-CUNTQueef's Queen??? She Should Take This Show On The Road! - Inked BabesI'm Not Even Sure If Inked Girls Look Better. Some Look Better, Some Do Not. Here Are The Good Examples! - Prego NunPregnant Nun Has Public Sex With A Monk... Nothing Unusual To See Here :) - Mother's DayMan, Sons In Russia Have A Weird Way Of Celebrating Mother's Day - Nasty NastyWTF: Girl Cuts Off Vagina And Turns It Into Jewellery - She's DTFDrained 2 Cocks In The Class Room?? She's Proud Of This! - Bonus ButtsPhun.org's Bonus Butts #107 - Twins 'BatinThese Two Twin Sisters Share Everything, Including Their Love Of Masturbating In Public Together! - BukkakeWait For It...
U Blew It!![eFukt Classic] I Like How He Straight Up Bends His Cock As A Means To Halt The Ejaculation. It's A Penis, Not A Fucking Garden Hose! - The Humanity!Inhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - Damn Cute!Perfect titty babe Alisa posing nude with a giant version of that game where you throw a bunch of Sticks On A Table And Then Pick Em’ Up. I Don’t Remember What Its Called But I’d Rather Play With Alisa’s Amazing Tits To Be Honest. - EmRat NipslipEmily Ratajkowski Nip Slip Under Her Blouse - Model TitsShe’s A Signed Model, Not That Famous, Maybe This Is How You Get Famous On Instagram? Who Knows - I Just Know She’s Naked. - Face SitterThe Most Cruel Face-Sitter You’ll Ever See! - Office SexDude Gets Busted On Hidden Cam Banging The Co-Worker - PhotobombBiggest. Photobomb. Ever. - InfernoExact Moment Of Burning Truck Crashing Into A Car (Full Video)
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American. "You know, boy" said the American "in the 'States we have that kind of building, too, but they are four times higher". "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital".
Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmmmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing. He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said "Hello". The little man said "Hi, I'm a leprechaun! The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes".
The guy was sceptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said "Okay, I want a big house". The leprechaun said "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!"
The guy said "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own". The leprechaun said "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else".
The guy didn't know what to wish for third. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge.
He said "Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours..." The leprechaun said "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt. The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick.
Next thing you know the guy has a big leprechaun dick up him.
All the sudden the guy yelled out "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!" Then the leprechaun said "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun!"
Previously on Orsm: WINDOW FLASHING #2 - WINDOW FLASHING #1 - MORE >
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years". Boss: "Yes".
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first". Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time".
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade".
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
A friend gave me a Vietnam veteran hat, I thought it was cool so... yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.
There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early twenties, asked "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812". I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh?" the Walmartian queried "When was that?" God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936". He pondered my response for a moment and responded "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it".
This was beginning to be way too much fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission".
"Dude!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage".
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man" I said in a very serious tone "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything". "Oh yeah" he gave me the "don't threaten me look". "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
fter checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.
Previously on Orsm: BUTTHOLES #1 - MORE >
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THE STRANGEST SHIT YOU'VE SEEN IN A HOTEL
-When I was working as a Guest Service Agent at the Country Inn & Suites in Eau Claire, WI we would regularly give free rooms to some of the Green Bay Packers players when they were in town doing charity promotions. After their fund raisers they would often go to a local bar to party. One evening one of the players asked if he and one of the bar's waitresses could use the hot tub after hours. I agreed since they promised not to be too noisy. About twenty minutes later when doing my property walk I noticed them having sex in the hot tub. Since they had been drinking a lot I guess they didn't care that anyone who walked into the hotel could see them through the pool room windows. To top it all off when they got out of the whirlpool and the waitress walked back to the room she decided to do so completely naked. When I saw her in the hall and asked her to get to her room and get clothes, she just stood there butt-naked chatting with me.
-We had a blind man (he will be called John for the story) who would stay with us once a month. So John, obviously being blind, would always need help to and from his room and me being the head porter I would always go and help him (he was generous with tips). One day it's about 6pm and it's dinner time so, knowing John will need help I go up to his room to assist him. I had known John for a long time and he would always know when I would be coming up and would leave his door unlocked for us to save him walking to open it. So I go up to his room as always but this time John wasn't quite ready and was midway through one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. He had a plastic bag filled with Vaseline which he fashioned in to a fleshlight, he had music blaring out from his radio and he was wearing a bra and fishnet stocking. I walked in to the room with my normal friendly manner but the music was so loud he didn't hear the door open. I left the room and waited for a while laughing and crying at the sight I had just seen until I heard the music stop playing which was when I knocked on the door to ask if he needed some help. John invited me in after a minute or 2 saying he was just getting changed in to some more comfortable clothes but as I walked in I saw the bra on the floor and the fishnets stuffed in a plastic bag. As if this wasn't enough as I was walking him down I noticed on his tinted glasses he had got some of his cum on the lens.
-Working as a cleaner in a hotel, went to clean a guest's room, dreading it since they'd been there for a stag do. We found a goat. Don't know how it got there, or how it was removed, but it made a good story for a while.
Two Canadian sisters staying at a hotel on the Thai resort of Phi Phi Island died under mysterious circumstances in 2012. Their bodies were found huddled in their beds with bleeding gums, blue lips and discoloured finger and toe nails. There were lesions all over their skin and the room was full of vomit. They'd already been dead for some time, having last been seen returning from a bar on June 13th, and apparently having remained in their room until a maid entered with a master key on the 15th. The young women had clearly been poisoned. Initial autopsy reports from Thailand indicated serious food poisoning. In 2009, two other young women died in a similar manner under similarly mysterious circumstances at the same resort. A number of other such deaths had also been reported. The causes of these deaths were again never established though poisoning was suspected. Another spate of suspicious deaths had occurred in the northern Thai city of Chiang Mai, where several visitors from various countries staying at the same hotel had possibly been killed by exposure to chlorpyrifos, a chemical spray used to kill bed bugs. Many have speculated there may be a cover-up on the part of Thai authorities who fear harm to Thailand's tourism trade.
-This couple stayed in one of our rooms for a week, they would just ask if we would put fresh linens and towels by the door and that they would take any trash to the dumpster. So after their week of being there, and none of our housekeepers had been in that room, one of them opened the door. The first thing was the smell, it made our head housekeeper puke and she had to run away, they had shit all over the walls and rubbed it in. They shit on the floor, television, beds, air conditioning system, and even clogged up the shower with shit. We're thinking they must have had a party of people just shitting in this room. It was so bad that we had to evacuate the hotel (ask everyone to leave and pay for them to go to another hotel), call the cops, call a hazmat clean-up crew and it took a week and a half to clean this room.
-When housekeeping walked into the room of one of our very regular guests they were greeted with the biggest surprises. She always travels alone when staying with us and she knew that housekeeping always cleans her room at the same time. When she stepped out for the day, housekeeping entered the room to find a whole slew of vibrators and other erotic toys spread out all over the bed! Needless to say that the entire staff took a 'field trip' to her room that day because no one could believe it.
-Another guest was staying at a hotel in Minnesota, when a note was slipped under their door announcing a high profile guest would be arriving later that day and security would be tightened. "I didn't think much of it until I got back that evening and had my rental car checked by police and bomb dogs before I could park, had to go through a pat down at the door, and discovered my things had been moved for me to a new room a couple floors up since the bottom floor had been vacated for the guest and his entourage. Thanks Obama".
-Another guest was staying at a hotel in Pennsylvania, and unlocked the door to his room to find cigarette burns on the sheets, dust everywhere, and a leaking faucet. He said he was too tired to care, so he initially just tried to get some sleep. For some reason I kept waking up and looking at the stupid clock radio. "This is where stuff gets a bit odd... I woke up to use the bathroom and after heading back to bed, the sink turns on. I figured that maybe I just forgot to turn it off. Then I woke up and saw the word 'HEY' on the clock radio for a half second. The final straw was when I woke up to the sound of someone saying my name". He ended up sleeping in his car for the rest of the night.
-I worked hotel security years ago. I was working third shift during a convention one night, when I got on one of the elevators while doing a routine check of the building. The doors of the elevator opened up, and there in the middle of the floor was a pizza box. Something about that seemed a bit off, so I opened the box by stepping on a flap with one foot while flipping the lid open with the other. Inside were two huge human turds studded with dozens of toothpicks.
-A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state".
-I was cleaning a room and found some photos stuck in the mirror. They were photos of a man. I took them down and put them on my cart to put in the lost & found. I continued cleaning. The room was trashed. There were tons of empty condom wrappers around the room & boxes of lube, etc. I clean the gross room and go about my business. Somewhere along the line, the pictures must have accidentally gone in my trash. Awhile later, my supervisor called me to the office and asked if I found any photos in that one specific room because the lady called freaking out because they were photos of her husband, who died. I get being sentimental but why would you be having your sexcapades in a hotel with photos of your dead husband pinned into all the mirrors to watch??
Want more? Believe it or not OTHER strange shit has happened in hotels. You can read more about it here and here in the Orsm Archives.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator. As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what. I don't like Chinese people too much".
Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why.
"Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!"
Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese".
The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same".
Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much!"
Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why.
"Because you guys sunk the Titanic!"
Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg!"
Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"
Previously on Orsm: NURSES #2 - NURSES #1 - MORE >
A filthy tree hugger purchased a piece of bush in Western Australia's southwest. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground getting many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local doctor's surgery. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited... over three hours before the doctor reappeared!
The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!
OLDER SHITE: 9th November - 2nd November - 26th October - 19th October - 12th October - 5th October - MORE >
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals.
First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow.
His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I saw you this morning kicking those poor farm animals".
"Since you kicked a pig you get no bacon for a week! Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a week! And since you kicked a cow, you get no steak for a week! Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done".
The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard.
The boy looks to his mother and says "You wanna tell him or should I?"
Previously: SKINNY GIRLS #4 - SKINNY GIRLS #3 - SKINNY GIRLS #2 - SKINNY GIRLS #1 - EWW - MORE >
Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how they died.
So he asks the first man and the first man says "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work. When I got back to the apartment she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartment, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him! Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and here I am".
St. Peter said "It sounds like you've had it rough so I'll let you in".
The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says "I was in my apartment when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartment below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here".
St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refrigerator..."
Previously on Orsm: WET T-SHIRT #2 - WET T-SHIRT #1 - MORE >
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple" says the seller "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline".
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem" he says... and in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents!
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still... total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. "OK OK! I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
Previously on Orsm: CHARLOTTE - RITA - AUTUMN - SASHA - ARIEL - JUNE - ERIKA - NICOLE - JOSIE - MORE >>
I had lunch with TWO of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams... I love you'. Then we made passionate love all night long".
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night!"
Then I had to share my story: "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Sooooo... I'm done. Do we need to talk about this? Okay then...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives or you'll be shot in the face by a random stranger.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Oompa Orsm style.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will bitch slap you like a little bitch. You're probably not too worried but what you may not know is Ray has those huge fat flaps on his arms so he can put a lot on it. Oh you didn't know Ray was a person of size? Yep. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that he gets pimples on his fingers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and and my back. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.