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orsmupdate 2017.03.23-19.24

Welcome to always the first place you look.

Severe gastro. This masterpiece'll just have to do...


An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had sex with my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!" Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The phone is ringing off the hook and computer running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?" "I did" answers the employee "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air!" The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped".
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all". He opened the note, and read "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied "Always check for bees".
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him "Well, what do you think, doc?" The doctor replied" We're going to have to put in a support for about a week". He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon". The doctor replied "You're going to have to bear with it". Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts "No one has ever seen these before". The man pulls out his wang and says "Well mines still in the crate!"
There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!" Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!". The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it". "Dear" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!"

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Killer ClownStephen King "It" Gets The Green Light For A Remake And Horror Fans Are Excited... Terrified But Excited.- Stop Posting!When You’re An Idiot And Want To Share Your Stupid With Everyone On Facebook - Bosozoku GirlsThe Bosozoku Biker Girl Gangs Of Japan – Tattooed Outlaws With Varnished Nails And Badass Bikes - McHackedSomeone Hijacked The Mcdonald's Twitter Account And Went Nuts - Sooo Good!Proof: Country Girls Are The Best Girls - Dirty MindMan With Dirty Mind Fails Spectacularly On 'Wheel Of Fortune' - CuckedWannabe Swinger Gets Cucked Instead - LOL IdiotsThis Is Why No One Takes Campus Cops Seriously - Phun ButtsBonus Butts #78 - NastyWTF: Black Bitch Rubs Her Cunt In A Public Bus

Smackdown'sWhen You’re A Trump-Bashing Celeb But The Country Doesn't Agree - Nice SlipIreland Baldwin Nip Slip On The Street Barefoot - The HotnessNatasha Legeyda! She is naked in her backyard, in the back of a car and inside her house in this one. No Matter Where She Is Naked She Looks Amazing. - Shit'erself"Yooo She Shit Herself!" LOL The Poor Girl. Not Only Does She Get Her Ass Beat But She Also Loses Control Of It Too - Spectacular!Dioni Tabbers Is A Ridiculously, Insanely Stupidly, Amazingly Hot Dutch Model You've Never Heard Of. This Is Her Naked! - Office BabeOffice Secretary In Stockings Fucked On Desk - Goth QueenDid Not See That Coming! Holy Fuck! This Chick Has One Of Those Bodies You Definitely Can't Look Away From. - Really CuteReally Cute Best Friend Wants To Have Sex With Me - SenselessMan Repairing His Truck Executed With Point Blank Shots To The Head.

Oh My GodSo What You're Saying Is, "Oh My God". - Sex KittenShe's Packing! Huge Knockers Unleased When This Busty Teen Takes Off Her Top! - Killer TitsTeen With Killer Titties And Big Nipples - OrgasmicSwedish Girl Gets Forced Onto A Huge Cock... And She Takes The Whole Damn Thing! - FuckableAlina Lonska Titties Photoshoot - Holy Shit!!Dead Guy In A Cement Truck. Would This Count As Concrete Evidence Against The Suspect? - Favela LifeGirl Fight In The Favelas. Nobody Wins. - RandomnessFunny Pictures DCXLVIII - Naked YogaNaked Yoga With Lucie Wilde Aka Busty Buffy! - See-ThruAbbey Clancy Nipples In See Through Lace Dress

A young man went up to his father and asked him "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said "I don't know. Are you any good?"
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget" said the woman "especially with the size difference and all". "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes" said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good" said the midget with a smirk "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"


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A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious.

Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorize it in its entirety. He had he local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorized.

As he grew up, he practiced his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes.

He returned to his home town and waiting for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious.

Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?"

The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!" And he says in a loud, steady voice "Fuck you!"



Previously on Orsm: CURVES #2 - CURVES #1

A fellow named Dennis is at the movies, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He figures this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind.

But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration.

At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself.

When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.

"Sir" says Dennis "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"

"Frankly, so do I" says the man. "He hated the book!"


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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"




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A guy is driving around the back woods when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping".

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals". "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired".

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit.

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother!"



Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is... "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is... "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was... "NO! The duck didn't say THAT you pervert! What the duck actually said was "I'm a Drake, you made a mistake!"


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OLDER SHITE: 16th March - 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February

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There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying". "This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all... I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"



CATWALK NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don't tell your father".

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with "I know the whole truth". The father promptly hands him $40 and says "Please don't say a word to your mother".

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying "I know the whole truth". The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"






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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and clear watery poop. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.