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orsmupdate 2014.11.20-17.57
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Welcome to being really under the moon about it.

Its been such a massive couple of weeks that probably the only way to truly acknowledge it all is by once again nixing the blog section and skipping straight to the content you guys actually come here for. Don’t worry though - shit will be back to normal next Thursday and there'll be much to say and do about the arguments which flow from living with a hoarder, slutty mums at Ikea, my deep affection for Ikea, dealing with asstards on Gumtree and of course look out for the obligatory bit about being exhausted. Yes folks, like a women's magazine that is too good to put down we have it all...

In the meantime rest assured everything below this bit is fucking rock solid. Check it...

-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-

HR Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Man: "Honesty". HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think".
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass".
--
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humour?" "My sense of humour is fine" he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow".
--
A man complains to a friend "I can't take it anymore". "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical" his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL" the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you..."
--
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language". One boy raised his hand "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?" "That" the man answered "is when we use your language".
--
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people...?"
--
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

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Police StateCops Tell College Student He's Being Arrested For Resisting Arrest - Apocalyptica20 Mysterious Places Around The World Abandoned By Society - Robo WankerThis Man's Robotic Arm Has An Unfortunate (Or Fortunate?) Side Effect - Kick ItNoah Is A Huge Jerk And Won’t Let You And Other Critters On His Boat - Frozen BadThe Frozen And Breaking Bad Mashup You’ve Always Wanted - Anger IssuesDriver Has A Few Hilarious Thoughts On Traffic - WAAHHHH!The World’s Tallest Roller Coaster Looks Totally Insane - Facepalm!Moron Paying $100 Rent In NYC Did Not Know When To Shut Up - It HappenedThe Marijuana Breathalyzer Is Coming To Ruin The Lives Of Pot Smokers Everywhere

OnomasticaJourney into a world of words, a world of wonder, a world of meaning. - So BralessDaisy Lowe Braless At The 2014 GQ Men Of The Year Awards - Butt NakedItalian Star Naike Rivelli Butt Naked on Vacation - ObliterationThe Obliteration of Female Genitalia - HateableHomeless Bro Who Uses Women And Sex For Shelter - Slam Herrr!!Cute Blonde Girl Cuffed And Fucked - BarbaricGirl Is Kidnapped And Dragged Kicking And Screaming To An Arranged Marriage As Wedding Music Pla - Balls DeepFree Spirited Couple Go Balls Deep In Public - Weird PornMeet Alfred The Midget, One Of The Smallest Pornstars Of The World

Game Time - UnexpectedShe Didn't See That Coming! - Too HornyDriving With A Boner Is Very Dangerous. At Least That's What I Tell The Ladies... - Fucktarded - CheaterWoman Caught Sleeping With A Married Man Gets Her Clothes Ripped Off - Bad CuntKim Kardashian's Vagina - ScintillatingAngela White Is Wet And Horny - Gag On It!Crazy Rough Throatfuck Gagging Of A Teen Amateur Slut - Slut FightHuge Behemoth Fat Naked Chick Beating On A Skinny Gir

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mum says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy". "Oh, please, mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
--
A little girl pricks her finger and starts screaming for a glass of cider. Her mother offers some soothing cream but the little girl insists on a glass of cider. The mother is confused but gets the glass of cider for her and the little girl sticks her finger in the glass. "Why did you do that for?" The little girl explains that "Whenever her big sisters gets a prick she can't wait to get it in cider"...
--
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy". Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own...?"
--
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said "It's what mummy calls me sometimes". The little girl screams to her brother... "DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"

ORSM VIDEO


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DUMB CRIMINALS

More criminal dumbasses here, here and here.

-An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar.

-After robbing a convenience store, two teen-age boys were chased by a group of police. Desperately trying to escape, the boys climbed over a high chain-link fence. The cops chose not to follow, but they did notify the authorities inside. The boys had climbed into the state correctional facility.

-Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do".

-A man robbed a convenience store. As he was waiting for the cashier to put all of the money in the bag, he got greedy and decided to steal the wallet of the man standing next to him. In an attempt to pick the man's pocket, he placed his shotgun on the counter. The cashier quickly grabbed the weapon and shot at the suspect as he fled from the scene. He was arrested a few days later.

-In Redondo Beach, Calif., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole he said "It came with the car when I bought it".

-A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

-A couple robbing a store caught on camera could not be identified until the police reviewed the security tape. The woman filled out an entry form for a free trip prior to robbing the store.

-A reward of $1,000 was offered for information leading to the capture and conviction of a man robbing taxi drivers. The man turned himself in and demanded the reward as a result. He received a 20 year sentence for aggravated robbery instead.

-A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.

-A trio of men decided to commit a bank robbery. The group tried to enter, but got stuck in the revolving doors. Frustrated, they left and returned a few minutes later. This time, they penetrated the doors and announced their intentions to take ten thousand dollars. Remembering them from a few minutes earlier, customers and employees of the bank laughed hysterically, thinking it was a joke. The men thought that people were laughing because they were demanding too much money. Eventually, the men reduced the amount of money they wished to take to one thousand dollars. When that didn't work, they demanded one hundred dollars. Soon, the men were demanding one dollar each. When the laughter continued, one of the men became angry. He jumped atop the counter and pulled a gun on the teller; he fell and broke his leg. The other two man decided to get away while it was safe. They, however, once again got stuck in the revolving doors.

-William de Lashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by 'the Kingdom of Heaven'.

-When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off.

-An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

-45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she did not realise that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

-A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

-A man suspected of robbing a jewellery store said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

-A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would-be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

-A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag facemask over his head, and realised that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

GET IN THE WATER. GET IN THE WATER NOW!

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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store".

So, she calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over".

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."

ORSM VIDEO


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YOU ARE A TRUE CHILD OF THE 80's IF…

-Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.
-Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better and taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
-You played with "My Little Ponies".
-Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.
-You ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club, Forever or Sweet Valley High.
-You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".
-You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.
-You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour).
-You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
-You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.
-You can remember watching Saved by the Bell.
-You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
-You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
-You even wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!)
-You could break dance (rather, you wished you could).
-You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system.
-You remember M.C. Hammer.
-You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"... and you can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith!
-You ever owned cassettes.
-You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.
-You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
-You know what Gummy Bears are.
-You had a Swatch Watch.
-You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare".
-You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, YOU had the power!"
-You spent hours building and re-building Lego cities.
-Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go.
-With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to Kylie and Jason!
-You ever owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines.
-If you ever made Ken fall in love with Barbie.
-You know what "Psyche!" means.
-Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
-You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye".
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
-You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good film.
-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space.
-You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
-You wore cycle shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
-You had to change into play clothes after school.
-You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.
-Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80s".
-Your arm was full of rubber bracelets.
-You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine song on Sesame Street.
-You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces.
-You still don't like going in the sea because of Jaws.
-You remember Now compilations that had the pig on the front cover.
-You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.
-Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite "program".
-You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.
-You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative merits of Matt & Luke.
-Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.
-You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.
-Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.
-You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.
-Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt. And for the boys you had to wear your school tie wit the thin side showing.
-You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead".
-You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior High and
Beverly Hills 90210.
-You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed (Mrs Popoff!), and thinking that this was perfectly normal.
-You tried to convince your dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of his Capri so it looked like KITT.
-You've ever seen a girl, a clown and noughts and crosses on your TV.
-A $1 bag of lollies from the local dli was a crapload.
-You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!".
-You could have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
-Girls: you owned a pair of Pixie boots, generally worn with leg warmers.
-Boys: you owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white towelling socks.
-You've ever held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose.
-You wore legwarmers and tried to do the splits while jumping in the air while singing you were going to live forever.
-You remember Fingermouse and Dangermouse (not forgetting his trusty sidekick Penfold!)
-Flumps are not only marshmallow sweets.
-You know all the words to "Hey Mickey" (well, nobody knows past the first verse anyway).
-You remembered Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p and Monster Munch when they were 10p. (And tomato flavoured Snaps and Bitz of Pizza!)
-Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous.
-Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran
-You remember crying on the beach building sandcastles in the rain.
-Hide and seek in the park, the corner shop, Hopscotch, butterscotch, skipping, handstands, football in the park/street, British Bulldog, Beano,
-Twinkle, Hula Hoops, jumping in enormous puddles and building dams.
-When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled
-You got up extra early, especially to watch Saturday Morning cartoons and then went to Saturday morning cinema.
-Running till you were out of breath.
-Trampolines didn't have those safety sides they do now.
-Water balloons were the ultimate weapon; not Nerf guns.
-You remember when $2 was decent pocket money and you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 1 and 2 cent coins.
-Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".

OH HOW I WOULD BREAK THEE!

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ORSM VIDEO

A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".

"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed".

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine".

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well" said the pirate "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really".

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands". "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really".

"Oh" said the bartender "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes". "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding" said the bartender "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well... I really wasn't used to the hook yet".

MESSAGES TO NEIGHBOURS WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER...

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"I think I have a problem, Doc" says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue". The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too". Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea. "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue". After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem".

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening??" The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

RANDOM SHITE

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A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.

Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything.

The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together".

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the head office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply "Please send soil sample".

HONESTLY... I JUST COME HERE FOR THE WINGS...

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Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost its hearing after having three legs cut off.

ORSM VIDEO


Well... we all knew where this was going...

-Check out the site archives. It's the best damn thing anyone has ever done with their life.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I wouldn't say it otherwise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat all your peanut M&M's. Nom.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and EAD [if you're a good girl]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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