Welcome to Orsm.net. Blogging for cabbage scented farts.
I've gone light on the spiel today. Don't worry - have instead compensated with a whole bunch of short jokes so whilst you're deprived of what some fucktard with a website you've never met has been up to, at least there's some humour to help pull you out of the impending sadness spiral. Serotonin right? Anyway this is for a multitude of reasons that I won't bother going into; particularly because the purpose would thereby be defeated. Just know that the love hasn't gone, I am alive and my must-read-because-he-really-makes-you-think insights will return like usual next Thursday [probably]. Check it...
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said "Why don't you just put it in 'park'?"
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "Excuse me sir, did you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your flies?" "Yeah... it's driving me nuts"
Why can't Ray Stevie Wonder read? Because he is black.
A police officer in a New York stopped a motorist who was speeding down a Main Street. "But officer" the man began "I can explain". "Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back". "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back". "Don't count on it" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down".
"A guy is walking past a bus stop, and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" 'Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!!" "Oh" he replies "it must be your feet then!"
A blonde goes into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims "I don't have any money... but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!" To that the man asks "Anything...?" and the blonde confirms "Yes... anything!!" With that the man says "Follow me". He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door". She does. He then instructs her to "Get on your knees". She does. He then says take down my zipper!" She does. He then says "Go ahead... take it out". With that, she takes it out the dick and holds it with both hands!! The man then says "Well... go on..." She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips says "HELLO, MUM?"
"A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on his first time on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field at night. Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Giant Jenga - LOL-arious - Legendary - D_MB C_NT - Infected - Rough Sex - Sexy Selfie - Bad Crash - Rock Bottom
What A Bod - Perfecto - Monster - Fuck Her! - Unexpected - Cos-Babes - Politico - Burka Slut - Ghetto Lulz - U Lost?
LOVE Her - Was Desperate - Whacked - Fingering Hard - Hellooo Nips - Sideboob - Drunk Shag - Devolution - Oh FFS!
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
A Scotsman was in a pub and he got very drunk. So he stumbled outside and passed out on the grass. Two women walk past him one leans over to her friends and whispers "I wonder what is under an Irish man's kilt". So they tip toe over and lift his kilt and sure enough he was wearing nothing else underneath. Filled with giggles, one whispered "How should we tell him we saw this beauty?" In reply the other girl pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it under his kilt. They leave and a few hours later he wakes up and has to go, so he lifts his kilt and spots the blue ribbon and he says "I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing but at least you won first prize!"An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old" he says. "90?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh, sorry" says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
THE BEST AND WORST SPEEDING EXCUSES
Part I can be found by navigating into the archives OR clicking here.
-I got pulled over in a small town in east Texas several years ago. When he asked for my license, I pulled my money clip out, which had my license in it as well as several twenties and fifties that he could see. I made the comment that I bet $50 that he was going to give me a ticket. He just smiled and said "You just lost. Where is my $50?" I was glad to give it to him".
-"I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal"...
-A few years ago when I was young and dumb, I had just gotten off from work and was speeding home - about 55 mph in a 30mph construction zone. I was pulled over and after the officer told me how fast I was going I told him that I had just put some new rear-end gears in my truck and my speedometer wasn't working right. All he said was to take it easy going home and get it fixed. No ticket.
-I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonalds before the breakfast menu ended.
-When I was in college, I had "stayed over" my date's house too late and was zipping home in the wee hours of the morning. A police officer pulled me over citing that I was driving over 85mph. I told him that I was sorry, but I was very tired from being up studying all night and was trying to get home to bed. Besides, my old Toyota couldn't possibly go 85 mph because the speedometer only goes up to 75! The officer put his head through the window to verify what I said and confirmed it. He let me go, saying: 'Get some sleep!'"
-I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra oil out.
-I was going 85 mph in a 55-zone on I-40. I had just gotten my license a couple of weeks before. I still had my driver's manual in the glove box. By the time the officer had pulled me over, I had grabbed it, looked up 'DMV officers' and noticed they mostly deal with 18-wheelers. I gave him my driver's license and registration and asked if I could show him something. I showed him the manual and asked "Where's my other 14 wheels?" He laughed, told me to slow down and let me off with a verbal warning.
-I was told by a lady her accelerator was broken and it always went that fast no matter
-We had been trying to get pregnant for a while and were seeing a specialist. En route there I was taking a little-used side road that was 25mph. The cop clocked us at 94 in a 25. We were only about 3 minutes from the doctor's office at the hospital. When we explained we only had a few minutes to get this 'sample' to the office, not only did he let us go, but he even waved us through the red light.
-Pulled over a Corvette doing 100 in 55zone. Late at night on highway no traffic... I told the driver "You were flying, unless you have a pilot's license, you are going to jail". He actuallyhanded me a pilot license... yep I let him go.
-Apparently insulting an officer isn't an effective tool for getting out of a traffic stop. When the officer asks why you were going so fast, don't reply: "Tim Horton's has half-price donuts down the road and I was clearing the way for you".
-I stopped a lady who was crying when I walked up. I asked what the problem was. She said she had gone shopping for the first time after having a baby and nothing fit right. I handed her her license back and slowly backed away. Nothing good was coming from this!
-From an 80-year-old woman I stopped: "I'm speeding because I don't want to forget where I am going".
-"I was just keeping the 2 second buffer time between me and the car behind me". "There was no one behind you..." "Good job, huh?"
-I had a lady tell me that she was rushing home to meet her husband because she had 20 minutes to get pregnant. They were using one of those kits that told you when the right day and time of day, would be best.
-"The box says "If you have an erection over 4 hours, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!'"
-"I wasn't speeding, I was qualifying".
-A 17-year-old was going 23 over. When I asked him why he was going so fast, he looked me dead in the eye and said "Because I'm just all kinds of stupid".
-I got tagged for doing 54 in a 45 years back. The officer laughed when he told me and I said that my dyslexia was acting up again.
-A traffic enforcement officer stopped a woman driving 60mph in a 45mph zone. When he asked why she sped, the driver replied "My colon has fallen in my vaginal canal". The officer wrote her a ticket anyway. He figured she could bring medical proof to court if she wanted to contest the ticket. She paid it without a hearing.
-"My car is a 2010 Corolla, and Toyota just released a recall for acceleration. It's all over the news!" He still got the ticket.
-"The reason I was going so fast is because I couldn't see the speedometer" the driver said. Evans peered inside the car and the speedometer appeared fine. The driver explained. "Sir, I had my head so far up my butt there's no way I could possibly see how fast I was going" the driver said. After a few short laughs and a warning citation, he was on his way.
-"I was low on gas so I wanted to make sure I had enough speed to coast home".
-An officer stopped a speeding driver whose excuse was there was a rat loose in the car. Apparently, the driver bought mice to feed his snake and placed the mice inside a cardboard box. The mice chewed through the box and escaped in the car.
-"I didn't want to get caught driving unaccompanied with my learner permit".
-A Highway Patrol Trooper clocked a man driving more than 100mph one cold morning. "Why are you going that fast?" He replied he was trying to get his window to defog because he couldn't see.
-A Traffic Officer stopped a speeding driver and asked about the reason for traveling so fast. "My colonoscopy bag is leaking" the driver replied. "Prove it" Huey said. When the driver did so the officer simply told the driver "Have a nice night".
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women - he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.
Vladimir says "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito replies "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret... just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public". Vladimir: "Okay. Its a deal!"
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around". Vladimir asks "That's it? I can do that".
The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
"Its working, he thought". But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?" Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"
BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS
"You get this one, next round is on me".
TRANSLATION: We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you".
TRANSLATION: Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
TRANSLATION: I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel".
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel".
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?"
TRANSLATION: [male to female] I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?"
TRANSLATION: [female to male] If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's go home".
TRANSLATION: [female] You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, let's go home".
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm horny.
"Who's got the next round?"
TRANSLATION: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"What do you have on tap?"
TRANSLATION: What's cheap?
"Can I have a white Russian?"
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm really gay.
"Can I have a white Russian?"
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm really easy.
"That person looks really familiar".
TRANSLATION: Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of water?"
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
"Can I just get a glass of water?"
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.
"I don't have my ID on me".
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm underage.
"I don't have my ID on me".
TRANSLATION: [male] I don't have a license because I got busted driving over the limit after my last visit here.
"'Scuse me, mate".
TRANSLATION: [male to male] Get the fuck out of the way, dickhead.
TRANSLATION: [male to female] I am going to grope you now.
TRANSLATION: [female to male] Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of my way.
TRANSLATION: [female to female] Move your fat arse. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, b*tch, like the sl*t you are.
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One day while at his best friend, Jim's house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag.
"Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?" said Norris.
Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says "Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned - do NOT go down on her. Understand?"
Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was overcome with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her but he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself.
After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV. An hour or so later, Norris said "Jim? Can I shag her again please?" To which Jim replied "Okat, but remember, DO NOT go down on her!!!"
Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jim's wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her... he couldn't help himself.
Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.
"What's wrong Norris?" "I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help myself."..
"You went down on her didn't you Norris!!" said Jim looking horrified. "I got a mouth full of rice!!" said Norris disgusted! "That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses".
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall".
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre".
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames".
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies "Property!? ... the asshole had a paper round!"
Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender… it's not like you to be so down in the mouth".
"It's my five year old son…" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for biting in school? My lad's just the same - forget about it - it happens to boys that age" said the bartender sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that" continued the customer" but it's far worse than that.
The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant".
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"It's not" said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms!"
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom". He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door".
The jury foreman replied "Yes, we did look... but your client didn't".
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa- versa".
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this - If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500".
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He logs on to the planes Wi-Fi and searches the Google, Wikipedia - the lot. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
And with that we, or rather I, are done. Update over. Weekend begins. The crowd goes wild. Just as soon as you read this last bit anyway...
-Check out the site archives. You don't know what you're missing until you see them with your own eyes.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Or will it...?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spread some mean and potentially quite hurtful rumours about you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remind me to tell you later. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.