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Welcome to The People's Republic Of Orsm.
Kind of having an awesome week. GF out of town means I've been left to my own devices. Things that have changed include: no limitations on food spiciness [Blair's 2am in everything]; the toilet seat stays up; farts without consideration; no fucking Tupperware clogging up the fridge; no need to shave; absolutely no chance of watching/hearing the tennis; no harassment for smoking; can wear same clothes all week judgement free; far fewer dishes to clean; and most importantly - no joint decision making.
It's definitely summer. We're currently at day three of a forecast 14 thousand day heatwave. Nothing but 38-42°C [100-108°F] days and sticky nights. The media seems to be enjoying it more than most though - we're all idiots so stories about using sunscreen, staying hydrated and moderating alcohol are rife. It's also Australia Day today so the mad rush to get this update finished and perhaps escape outdoors to socialise in some capacity has been underway since early in the week.
Australia Day has been a hot topic around the country lately. No surprises there - it's a public holiday after all. We flock to beaches, have BBQ's, listen to the Hottest 100 Countdown and head for fireworks shows in the evening but most interesting was a study which concluded people who attach one or more Aussie flags to their cars are racist and the bigger the flag, the bigger the racist. Quite funny really. I have no doubt at least some of the flag bearers are racist but it's not a given unless the car has a 'fuck off we're full' sticker. The whole flag phenomenon seems to be borrowed from America. Up until a few years back we never really saw them although they're now commonplace this time of year. If anything it's bogan so the bigger the flag, the bigger the bogan.
Moving on to other relevant occurrences in my life. My one remaining unused Xmas present was tickets to an outdoor cinema. Now most people would think that being a present the recipient would get some say in what film they'd like to see but that wasn't the case. Instead I had to endure New Year's Eve and despite it being a perfect night to sit under the stars getting drained by mosquitos, the movie itself was a giant pile of gayness. Tip: avoid.
A very warm Saturday kicked off with a walk along the coast. From there it was home to start on something I've been putting off for a long, long time. My brother and I jointly own 'my' house and share a bank account. The problem is we have no idea who contributed what so I have six years of statements to go through. Making it harder, following the catastrophic data wipe-out last year, I don't have digital copies so 75 statements had to be scanned, OCR'd and cleaned up before I can even start. I cannot think of a more tedious way to spend a day. A welcome escape came mid-afternoon - caught up with a mate for a coffee, perv and cruise. Good shit.
Waking up Sunday the choices were swim or ride. A look out the window showed grey skies so a ride it was. Loaded the bikes, drove down to the coast and soon regretted the decision - the beaches were jam-packed and bikinis concentration metre was an all-time high. Still managed a decent cycle though - around 22 kilometres. From there it was home, shower and immediately back out the door for a BBQ with friends and some pool action followed up with some family commitments before finally heading homeward and calling it a day.
Alright let's get on with things shall we? I'm particularly happy with today's update and I have no doubt you guys will be too. I'm not even going to crap on about all the amazing shit you'll find below except to say... check it...
Strangely Compelling - Tramp Stamps - Yoga Pants Rule - Hottie Payload - Fishing Babes - Rimjob Fail - Teen Orgasm
Miley See Thru - Spiderman Porn - Unhygienic - Drug Rip Fail - Busty Ginger - Own Goal? - Nasty Skank - Oh Hai!
Surprise Anal - WTF Birth! - I Was Busting - Bikini Nip Slip - Monster IED - Glory Hole - Hotel 'Service' - U Swallow?
Just saw a bloke driving while eating ice cream. Fucking sundae drivers.
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I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".
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Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff competition though!!
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A teenage girl comes home crying her eyes out. Her mother gives her a hug and asks what happened: "My boyfriend dumped me!" The mother strokes the girl's hair and starts rambling on about the birds and the bees. "Oh shut up, mum!" says the girl. "I suck and fuck like a world champion. All he said was that my cooking was shit."
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I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway.
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A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product requested and advised "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes". "Errr... it's not for my armpits" she flustered, embarrassed "It's for my Chihuahua". "Oh well, in that case" said the chemist "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes".
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For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.
ORSM
VIDEO
SIMPLE TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE III
Click here for Part I & and here for Part II.
-Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
-Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
-Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
-Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
-X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
-Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
-Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
-Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
-Housewives. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
-A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
-Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
-Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
-Pensioners. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
-Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
-Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
-No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
-Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
-Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
-Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
-Women. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you cause an accident.
-Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
-International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
-King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
| FINGER BANGING AMELIE |
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BRITAINS NAVY STEPS INTO THE MODERN WORLD
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".
ORSM
VIDEO
THE COSTA CONCORDIA
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
| COLOSSAL CLEAVAGE |
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'
| DIVING PALAU |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: idiot
omg... to bad that darwin's law did not work in this case ! fucking electrical windows, it should already have exploded when he started the engine... if there is gas leaking out anywhere...do not touch anything electrical and be very very careful even when using mechanical things... windows, doors, etc. no common fucking sense will kill humanity - because it fucking deserves it :D |
Jd wrote:
Subject: Go Ahead
Go ahead - Nobody's looking....................... South of France ! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Part 2 H cups tits
Gday orsm, you posted a pic i sent in last week of chick i was banging with H cup norks. Here is more then one pic this time as you requested ;) Cheers With hold details PS: yes they are as fun as they look
Incredible. God bless her. -Orsm |
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Edward wrote:
Subject: ad
Try this. Brothel Buster
Seriously thinking about applying. -Orsm |
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: Great start to a new year?
Hey, mate! Just returned from a vacation in Sarasota, Florida, where I spotted this sign in front of a car wash. Either these guys have a wicked sense of humor or they're dense as rocks. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Surprise!
Another one of those OH SHIT! moments.
Come on - how many of you guys would just 'go with it'...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emirates golden vag
Orsm, I've been with you since the beginning my man, struggling thru tafe with the boys and my epic HG. Anyway, check out this fucking newsletter from Emirates! I was looking and reading and feeling aroused and then BAM! I could see why. Pretty fucking close to perfect? Hide the deets my man please.
That's how I imagine all the Emirates hosties vagina's look. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: WHAT PILOTS SEE WHEN LANDING AT OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE.
A farmer does this with his tractor. He uses GPS to get the letters readable. He has done this every fall for several years now. Here's the view from the flight pattern into OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE Bellevue, NE., just south of Omaha. This is what our servicemen see when landing at Offutt AFB. Hat tip to the Bellevue farmer who made it happen! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: For your pleasure
I spotted this while out Christmas shopping. And yeah, when no-one was looking, I did have a little try.
Please withhold my details in case the manager at Kmart hunts me down for messing with his toys. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sunburn
Thought this might be worthy of RS - mates sunburn from summer! Ouch! Please withhold details if used. Cheers mate!
Yeah that's going to hurt. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
The ex, she owes me $, so fuck her. Hide my details |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: CONCORDIA...
She was fitted out a bit garish, but that's the Italian way, but that little unknown rock sure ripped a hole in her.
Half a billion dollars worth of scrap. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: FLOODING IN KRUGER PARK
Flooding causes chaos at Kruger Park 2012-01-18 13:31.Roads and camps have been closed and some lodge guests are being evacuated by helicopter after heavy rainfall caused flooding in the Kruger National Park, SANParks says. Kruger National Park is flooding. Mpumalanga warned of heavy rains. SA can expect 'strange weather' |
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P G wrote:
Subject: Go Daddy Superbowl 2012 Ad
When you watch this ad, your going to want to know who the nude model is. Her name is Natalia Velez from Columbia. Enjoy....
Pretty sure he means this. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Alaska Oil
My daughter and son-in-law were in L.A. last week from their home in Anchorage. He is a foreman in the oil fields at ANWR. He has to fly his own plane to get to the job where he spends months at a time in the most God forsaken place this side of Siberia. He confirmed everything that is in this story, and brought dozens of pictures for proof. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: "BREAKING NEWS" for today
True or not true? Will it be the next big thing? Tata Motors of India thinks so. What will the Oil Companies do to stop it? It is an auto engine that runs on air. That's right; air not gas or diesel or electric but just the air around us. Take a look. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girllie
Girl who sent me some Pics. Shes about 20, worked with her for a few days, sent me these. Total Slut. Protect my info Mr. Orsm. Love your site! been here for 5 years.
We love sluts. -Orsm |
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Maycol wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Los Angeles car crash aftermath
A good panel beater will be able to buff that right out. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Cemetery in Mexico
Wonder if this would work at border crossings?? A guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a skeleton driving the bike that has a speaker attached to it. The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. He has the perfect voice for this. The guy across the street is talking thru the speaker while operating the remote control for the bike. (It has training wheels on it). |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The Clap
Hi Mr Orsm, I thought you may get a laugh out of this. [Youtube link here] |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Far better than a speed camera
This is beautiful, I mean like let's just cut the shit and get serious...
Looks quite effective. Now if we can get something similar for fucktards who hog the centre lane... -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me".
| FLAWLESS: JAMIE HAMMER |
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A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself 'this is unusual'.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied "The Prime Minister is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself with petrol and set herself on fire. She says no one believes her stories about why we have to have a carbon tax or why she is continuing the war in the middle east, or why illegal immigrants are good for the country and are basically 'cost free'... so we're taking up a collection for her".
The public servant asks "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning".
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
| SAMANTHA COULDN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GET HOME |
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A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes the kid asks "Mum what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she says.
ORSM
VIDEO
And that boys and girls is how you do an update... at least thats's what I tell people. For other things I like to tell people please read on...
- Check out the site archives. It's un-Australian not to.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Feb already - seriously?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray, the God of Hellfire, will bring you... fire.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
