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orsmupdate 2016.12.01-19.39

Welcome to true believers. Blessings of the State, blessings of the masses. Work hard, increase production, prevent accidents and be happy.

The craziest thing I've seen all week - we were at a playground which the little one loves. It's always surrounded by mums keen to have a break from their monsters. Anyway, sitting there, a young mum strollers up with her maybe 6 month old. Mum was at first noticeable not because of her age [18 or 19 at most] but the shockingly nasty titties under the far too tight boob tube wrapped around them. But this isn't about her horrible misshapen boobies and being critical of strangers. Nope. We watched on incredulously as she pulled the pacifier out of her baby's mouth, popped the lid off a red Powerade and let the little fella suck away. "He loves this stuff!" she said to her friend. When he'd had enough sugar he was given a Pringle in each hand. You like all that salt and highly processed chemicals, little buddy? Gotta be a form of child abuse loading them up with such bad shit. It's bad enough when a grownup eats it, can only be grossly multiplied for an infant plus there are countless long-term health effects. I'm reminded of a train ride we took in Victoria heading back to the city from somewhere east. We were sat near a woman and her son who was prob 5 or 6 years old. In one hand a huge bag of M&M's, in the other a large bottle of Coke. It wasn't even mid-morning. Mum was a druggo (she was taking about drugs, partying etc) and they were off to whichever children's hospital because the boy was receiving treatment for cancer. Often wonder what happened to him and if terrible parenting decisions and filling him full of shit contributed to it. The lesson here is: people are idiots.

Moving on to talking about me, my life and Saturday... which was warm. No fucking idea what the temp was so just take my word for it. We kicked off at the beach around 7am. Remember when it was just you and the beach arrival time was half past whenever the fuck you wanted and not as dictated by a small child? If you don't have kids - cling to that. Actually now I say this... my mind springs back to when I had an oversized dog who'd wake me up early on weekend days to hit the beach so fuck knows what idyllic time I'm thinking of. *shrug* Anyway... the beach was unsurprisingly busy and perving opportunities were many. Walked up and down ankle deep while try-try-trying not to inhale a fly which were at plague proportions. We also got out of there not that long before a snorkeler was dragged from the water. Reports are unclear what actually happened but despite CPR and whatever he died on the beach. I've got mixed emotions about this. If you could choose how you're going to die then surely at the beach on a beautiful morning would be high on your list. On the other hand, you wouldn't expect as you walked down to the ocean for a dip it would be for the last time. RIP mate.

Got home to whip up some motherfucking eggs and just hang. Summer officially begins today and my goal is to start as many days as possible in the same fashion. Next up I wanted to clean some outside windows. Must've been some Pterodactyl sized creatures in the area because there was disturbingly large bird poops squirted around and it seemed like good enough excuse to wash down. 7 or 8 years ago a mate long-term loaned me his pressure washer. They were moving overseas; I promised to return when they do. In that time it's hardly been used. It's a cheapy and age has made the hose rust/crack/breakdown. Its borderline unusable so now either have to buy a new hose ($90) or replace the whole thing ($150). Kind of a waste of money so tried instead to fix. That prompted a hardware store run, $13 in special silicon repair tape and an hour or so. Carefully followed the instructions, applied the tape then fired the washer up and the watched as the repair instantly bubbled and popped. The lesson here is: cunt.

My next trick was the lawnmower. There's 2 tiny patches of lawn that take minutes to mow. I've got a mower and for some reason decided the two tiny patches would benefit from sharper blades. "Easy" I said. Never done it before but how hard can it be? A couple of hours, yet another hardware store visit to get replacement parts that I broke, an oil spill, quite a lot of skin removed from my hands and those mower blades were sharper than the wit you'll find in my blog. And the lawn after cutting with newly sharpened blades? Absolutely no discernible difference from cutting with dull blades. Zero. None. The lesson here is: if there's a hard way to do something, I'll find it.

Rest of the weekend was uneventful. More stuff around the house, worked on the Orsm Christmas update, caught up with friends and ate some noodles. If that doesn't inspire you then todays update may well do. It's a beast... with a raging sugar addiction. Check it...

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The Aussiest‘Aussiest. Interview. Ever’-Man Hilariously Recounts Chasing A Rogue Driver In His Underwear - Fucking IDIOTThe Worst Idea Anyone Ever Had On A Boat - Haha OMGRelationships Takes A Turn For The Weird In This Music Video Where Girl Meets Parasitic Creature - MisunderstandingParking Misunderstanding Enrages The Man Who Grows Trump's Toupees - THE FUCK?The Cam Girl From Hell. This Thing Has Some Very Serious Mental Issues. Jesus Christ. - Smug PrickSmug Jeopardy Winner Rips Other Contestant's Heart Out By Beating Him By $1 - Cum DumpsterThe "Pepe Le Pew" Of Porn Angrily Butt Fucks A Tiny Teen With Back Problems. - K9 At WorkPolice K9 Brings Down A Bad Guy And Makes Him Fucking Pay. Ouch Ouch Ouch!

Poop ShooterBe On The Look Out For This Boston Poop Shooter - BustyThis Adorable Blue Eyed Busty Babe Is So Horny That She Doesn’t Have To Fake Her Orgasm Ever And Proves It In This Video. - Suki CameltoeSuki Waterhouse Braless In See-Thru White Tank Top - Fine TittiesMila Azul Is Getting Naked While Eating Fruit In The Kitchen And Well... She Certainly Makes Fruit Sexy! I Like Her Tits. - Seatbelts? LOLSeatbelts Save Lives... It's Pretty Fucking Simple To Work Out. - Lurid SexAmy Hood’s Cult Classic For Viscous Has It All: Lurid Sex, Shocking Violence, Intense Devotion, And Thought Provocation. - Not In My Ass!Not In My Ass You Son Of A Bitch! - BJ MegamixThere's No Shying Away From The Dong With These Carnivorous Cock Suckers... Just Whip It Out And Watch Them Go! - Going Deep She Needed To Prepare For This Kind Of Anal... Half A Joint And Some Crisco Should Do The Trick!

Finger SelfieThe Idea Is To Use One Finger To Block Your Naughty Bits While Taking A Selfie In The Mirror. - So Sprung!Busted: Security Guard Catches Girl In The Act - Model CansSahara Ray Is Racy Instagram La Hipster Party Model With Big Monster Tits. Do We Understand What I'm Putting Down? - Little WhoreWhen You're Riding Double Headed Dildos And Filming All The Action....Chances Are You're A Pig And Really Don't Care If It eaks! - Easy PickinsNew Long ISIS Sniper Compilation - Loves SexYes She's 18. And Absolutely Loves Anal Sex....This Lucky Bastard Just Hit The Ass Lottery! - J-PornoThese Freaky Fuckers Have Taken 'Family Game Night' To A Whole New Level... Incest Roulette? What The Fuck? - BlondieCute And Busty Blonde Daniel Sea Getting Topless By Her Desk!! Hot But... Is She Really Sitting Down To Have Fun With A Colouring Book? - On Show :-)Larsa Pippen Is Scotty Pippen's Wife. These Are Her Pokies And Cameltoe On The Beach - Epic SoloVery Good Masturbation :-)

This guy visits the doctors and says "Doc... I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore". The doctor says "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you". The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife "Take off your clothes and lie on the table". She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard on either".
An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day". Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor "but it will get you used to the dirt".
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example" he suggested "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go". The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay" the hesitant wife agreed "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house".
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire".


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LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE when intercourse is called making love.
LUST all other times.
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE when you argue over money.

LOVE when you share everything you own.
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything.

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi".
LUST when you phone each other just to organise sex.
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE when you write poems about your partner.
LUST when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE when all you write are cheques.

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST when you couldn't give a rip.
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling".
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent.

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake.

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE when nobody else matters.
LUST when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap.
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music.

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.



WHAT A GIRL SEES galleries previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon.

"So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished".

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhoea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish".

His friend replies "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You shoulda just made her do it!" Bob replies "Nah, she had gonorrhoea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished".

His friend, now quite upset, says "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well" says Bob "she had diarrhoea... and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished".

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish...!!"


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Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realised that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.

Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realised that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks".

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet!"



Previously on Orsm: Best Use Of A Balcony #3 - Best Use Of A Balcony #2 - Best Use Of A Balcony #1

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GANG NAME:______________________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me" Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

Earl excitedly replies "Tell me the good news first".

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl". "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night".



NUDISTS previously on Orsm: Vintage Nudists #2 - Vintage Nudists #1 - Nudists #2 - Nudists #1

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says "It's my birthday today". "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker. "33" says the man. "Well, have a good day" says the worker. "Thank you" replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady "It's my birthday today". "Oh, happy birthday" says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me" interjects the old lady "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is". "Oh yeah? What's that then" asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are" says the old lady. "I don't believe it". "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then" replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says "Oh, okay then, you can do it". After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly" she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office" said the lady.


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OLDER SHITE: 24th November - 17th November - 10th November - 3rd November - 27th October - 20th October

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".



Previously on Orsm: GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT #1

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".

The fourth Catholic man then says "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle "Well...?" She proudly replies "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say "Oh My God!"




A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes". To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body" the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try" she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs" the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try" she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"


Well what can I say? This update was a lot of fun to stick together. They aren't all like that. Hopefully you fuckers enjoyed. If you did, read on. If not, suck shit.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows daily on to your favourite social network. Trust me when I say its a fucking great way to clog up your newsfeed.
-Check out the archives. Its what good people don't do. So most of you will find your happy place there...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Third last for the year w00t.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray talk to you about everything he believes is a conspiracy. You definitely definitely definitely don't want that!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and and hold in your farts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.