Welcome to its not that I don't understand, I just don't care.
Of everything to be happy about, the thing that takes the cake is this week's solstice. We were down to just 10 hours of daylight. I can deal with the shitty winter weather but less and less daylight is just gross. Okay so we're not exactly one of those places where its night for months and months but for the purposes of this paragraph, it *feels* that way.
Another recent highlight was seeing just how long a fat woman would wait for my parking space. We were at a shopping centre and had jagged a spot semi-close spot to the entry. She had the indicator on before I even unlocked the car doors. Orly? So I very slowly loaded the grocery bags in the car, very slowly waited for baby to finish jumping over the interior, very slowly strapped baby into the seat, called a mate, had a chat, reversed out, went back, fiddled with the GPS and so on. All up a good 8 or 9 minutes. And she waited. The lazy bitch sat there and waited. Meanwhile the carpark was barely 3/4 full and there were empty parking spaces all over. Careful! You wouldn't want to take one of them and walk an extra few metres! People are idiots.
Moving on. I strongly resisted going out Friday night. Not because I don't like going out... but when an event is sold to me as "a hip hop night for charity" my penis immediately shrivels up and retracts. Of course it got to the day and anything sounded better than staying home. As I waited to be picked up at the very, very late time of 9pm I thought back the good 'ole days when we wouldn't even contemplate hitting a club until midnight... and walked out of there as the sun was rising... head to an after party... faff around all day... rinse repeat Saturday night... same again Sunday and make it to the pub last thing Sunday arvo. If you were really lucky there was a few hours' sleep before operating dangerous machinery at work first thing Monday morning. Come to think of it, not all that dissimilar to our fuckwit rear neighbours except their music is fucking gay. I feel old. *sadface*
As I was saying. Got into the city and was soon well on my way to being a little bit drunk. The place was full of the Real Housewives of wherever and they provided a lot of entertainment - one of them essentially admitted to not liking her kids. Probably not something I would tell a complete stranger who would then blog about it but hey, different strokes right? The night ended up being bloody great and had an awesome time. The music wasn't really hip hop and got there late enough we didn't have to donate to a cause I don't support. Those nights where you expect the worst only need to be slightly not shit to for them to be highly enjoyable. Also just fucking great to escape home and have a few drinks with mates. No idea the last time that happened. The thing a few weeks ago with the booze bus close call doesn't count because wasn't drunk so fuck up!
Woke up feeling 100% fine the next morning and from that point on the weekend was completely hijacked by the GF being on call. Remember I said last week it would be stupid if I didn't get my little shelving project finished? Yeah well... stupid. She got called in a few times to save the world which left me on babysitting duty. It's next to impossible to do anything involving glue or paint when there's 'interference'. Instead got busy assembling the aforementioned child's new bed. And by new I mean purchased from someone on Gumtree [Australia's Craigslist]. That meant you save a couple of bucks but have to contend with missing bolts and spend a lot of time cleaning the dust and god knows what other substances off the frame.
In other news, we've been dealing with a child who is no longer confined to a cot and can now escape the bed and bedroom. Didn't realise just what that was going to mean suffice to say the cute/funny aspect will most likely wear off soon...
Okay enough of the mundane wrap up of the mundane week's mundane events. What isn't mundane is the brand new update below. You should start with the clump of links and slowly work your way through, enjoying every single bit. Why? Because I said so that's why. Check it...
Fuck ItSpelling Bee Kid Goes Down Swinging - Lil WreckersKids Are The Worst - 50 Examples Of How Your Little Treasures Can Wreak Havoc In Your Home - Holy Shiiiit!!When The Sign Says No Campfires, They Mean It - Parenting FAILS60 Examples Of Child Rearing That Highlight You're Doing It Very WRONG! - Don't Blink!Woah! This World Record Pit Stop Was Completed In A Blink Of An Eye - Life's UnfairDrunk Driver Brutally Hits Pedestrians. Poor Bro Lost Both His Legs... Although In Fairness He Wouldn't Have Wanted Them Afterward Anyway. - Teen CoupleLatino Couple With An Okay Looking Dude And A Babe That Is Very Much Fuckable And Eager To Suck His Fat Cock, Wanting To Get Facialed And Creampied. - MotivaterHis Girlfriend Soon Regretted Asking Him To Help Her Lose Weight - Dumb CuntHow does one earn such a title? First, be Serenity Haze. Then sign up for porn. Then refuse to do porn stuff. Finally, accuse the producer of rape and get caught lying over and over.
BwahahaThis Is Exactly Why You Don't Sit On A Hoverboard - Suck ShitISIS Fighter Shoots Himself In Face - She NakedHer Name Is Lisa-Marie Bosbach. She’s A Naked Model From The Internet And Like So Many Girls From The Internet – She Is Naked - Fag ImpalaPoor Little Baby Impala Was Hungry Only Thing Around Was A Male Goat And Protein Is Protein LOLLLLL - OH YES!!Sarah Hyland Areola Peek Strolling Down The Street - Bikini Perfect Charlotte McKinney Hanging Out At The Beach In A Bikini. Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Go Ahead And Set Up A Tent Over There And Boob Watch For A While. - Holiday AnalNothing Like An Expensive Vacation To Guilt Your Girl Into Letting You Stick It In Her Booty Hole - Repo'dHummer Driving Hotshot Gets His Rims Repossessed - Magic PussyThis Chick Must Have A Magic Pussy To Make Him Cum That Quick - Wincest Secretly This Is The Fantasy Of Many Among Us, You Want To Watch It But You Know Its Wrong. So Don't Feel Bad About Yourself And Enjoy This Video In Full Glory.
Bubble ButtBusty Babe With Bubble Butt In Fishnet Stockings And Huge Natural Boobs! Where Do I Find A Girl Like This? Seriously WHERE? Somebody Tell Me Where!?!? - Buried AlivePro-Russian Rebel Buried Alive. This Is Very Fucked Up. - Public StripDon't Know Why Shit Like This Never Happens When I'm Around. Hot Sexy Slut In Belgium Strips Naked And Dances To Entertain The Public. - Surfer BabeFranziska Von Tschurtschenthaler Nipples Because Her Name -And Nipples- Are Insane - Fuck The UKMigrants Scream "Fuck The UK" As They Attack Cars And Try To Enter France - Hidden TalentEveryone Has A Hidden Talent... And This Ass Queen Just Showed Hers! - Conservativism? - WhackedColombian Gangster Shot Point Blank - Lazy AFEver Get A Package From Amazon That's Broken Inside? This Might Explain It
A Muslim walks into a gay bar. Bartender asks him "What can I get you?" "SHOTS FOR EVERYBODY!!"
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my first rectal exam. His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove and a beer. When Dr. Putz finally came in I said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse "Damn it, Evelyn! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy old man wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
After spending 3.5 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash" she snapped. Then apologising for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!" "Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back there?"
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THAT UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING CRAZY EX
The thing I've never understood about crazy ex's stories is why would anyone want to be with someone who didn't want to be with them? They don't love you or feel the same way, respect you the same and don't want you to be part of their life. Surely staying in a relationship like that would be humiliating. Of course not all crazed ex's want to get back together - the goal is to cause as much chaos and destruction as possible. At that point you really have to question the dumper... how could he/she have chosen such a headcase to begin with? Ah people. Ah relationships...
-My ex used to smell my cock when I got home from work to make sure it didn't smell like pussy or soap.
-She sent me a video of herself in underwear. Waved at the camera, took a blade to her wrist, wiped the blood into her fingers and waved goodbye. It was like a scene from a horror movie. Oh, and yes, she's alive.
-Ex-girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other. Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.
-She threatened to kill me, killed my cat, and dabbled in identity theft. A month later asked that we be friends and that I, like she has tried to do, should not live in the past.
-I un-friendzoned this guy once. The first 4 weeks we were dating, he told about how he's going to marry me, make me have his children, tried to force me to wear a G-string, started naming our future children, and he also wanted to tattoo my name onto his chest. He couldn't afford it, so he carved my name onto his arm with a knife instead. To this day, he still has my name there.
-I was young and naive. I was heads over heels in love with a guy. And in my mind letting it go wasn't an option. In my dumb young brain I thought somehow that if I talked and bugged him enough that I would somehow figure out the way to fix it. This included a drunken night of me showing up at his door and crying for two hours asking him why. To be fair he did lead me on for a while telling me we would be together after he got though his whole I wanna be alone period. OBVIOUSLY that didn't happen.
-Knew a guy who dated a crazy girl, they broke up after she went to college, called him one night claiming that she had been bit through radio waves by a vampire who lived 6 states away, so now she was one too and could never turn back.
-My ex tried to gain sympathy from me by cutting her forehead open with a pair of nail scissors after a night out and claiming she was attacked on her way home. I know because she left a pair of bloodied scissors on the bedside table like a complete fucking welly head.
-When I broke up with my ex he became so hysterical that the only way he would "let" me leave him was if after the breakup we continued to be best friends. Not just any kind of best friend either, he wanted me to still come over for "sleepovers" and share his bed with him. He told me that any other guy I dated after him HAD TO BE 100% okay with this or else I couldn't date him.
-Planned to kill me, then tried to execute the plan. 30k worth of damage to my house and firing a shot at me when I got home.
-She moved 200 miles away to go to school. I had talked about moving with her eventually because I liked the area. I visit for a weekend. We do it several, several times, then I go home on Sunday. Fast forward a few weeks, I get the "I think I'm pregnant" call. I freak out, start making plans to move down there. She calls me a few days later, saying she was in an accident and she lost it. I stop freaking out so much and tell her I'm not coming down there immediately, but eventually. She calls me a few days later "Oh I didn't lose it". I freak again, she calls me a few hours later saying she lied.
-I was crazy for the first few months of my current relationship. I hated anytime he was away and didn't have to be. I had never had a SO that I wanted to be around 24/7. I've never been a dependent or clingy person. But he was emotionally distant, and I ended up being so attached and he couldn't understand. Since then, he has become more open and I have become more relaxed.
-Mine e-mailed me last night, over a year after our breakup and one day after his 'heartfelt apology': "In my dreams, I see myself spitting in your face and crushing your oesophagus with my bare hands".
-Secretly tortured our 3yo son by locking him in the closet so she could go to Kmart to fuck random guys. Long story short I now have full custody and he's in therapy as a happy 6yo with next to no real memory of that time.
-I had an ex break into my apartment while I was sleeping and jerk off over me. I woke up when my hand got all wet. :( He had put an engagement ring on my finger while I was sleeping too. I guess that was the target.
-I was a victim of marital rape, psychological abuse and physical violence. He started with making me think I was lucky to have him, that I was so crazy nobody else would want to be with me. He went from 180 to 310 lbs, while I was getting thinner and near my perfect shape. I went from almost a nymphomaniac to not wanting any sex from him. He dragged me one time on the floor by holding my neck. The last time, when the police was called by neighbours, he went on me and put his hand on my face and nose. I tried to free myself by punching what I could, and ended up punching where he had had an operation the previous week (I was almost a nurse that week, I washed him and took care of him) I went to the bathroom and he followed me, took me by the neck and hang me by it so we had our face at the same height. I am 5′ and he is 6'2. He never paid anything in the apartment in the last 6 months or more. He still owe me 300$ since 3 years (was 700$ and I got everything we had in common to pay a part of his debt). His new girlfriend got pregnant after 4 months of dating. She thinks I deserved what he did to me.
-Told me she had brain cancer. Constantly was calling me crying telling me how she wasn't sure if she was going to live or not and all these surgeries she was having. Come to hear from her sister 6 months later none of any of that had happened
-I once dated a girl who hid Butter in all my food because I once told her I could eat whatever I wanted and not get gain weight. She proved me wrong... REALLY wrong.
-Mailed poop to me EVERY DAY for 3 weeks! We were only dating for less than 2 weeks
-She started sending huge bouquets to herself at work but having the cards signed with my name. Apparently she didn't want her co-workers to know that we had split. This was before she lied to me about being pregnant and intending to keep it. Got myself a restraining order and won in court when she contested the order. That breakup was pretty crazy but the most disturbing part was the flowers.
Sources: #1, #2, #3
An old man asks his wife "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you... yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason".
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Martha said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge".
"I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time". "Alright" Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 29 more votes...?"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse". Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git yore butt out there an' fix it".
Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick yer head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin MY head in that hole!" Ma says "Ya have to stick yer head in the hole to see what needs fixin'".
With that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with th' outhouse!" Ma hollers back "Now take yore head outta the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out, then starts yelling "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies "HURTS, don't it?!!"
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THAT UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING CRAZY EX (CONTINUED)
-We had been together for 3 years and the last year had been really turbulent. One night right after the Sandy Hook shooting my ex said he could have done a better job. Mortified, but hoping he was kidding, I pretty much just asked "what the fuck?" He went on some diatribe about how the shooter gave himself a job to do and if you are going to go through that much effort you better do a better job than only blowing the faces of a meagre few children. He would have so much better because he's really good and disciplined at airsoft. Not only is this man almost 30 and a medical care professional, he also got fucking livid with me when I told him he was talking crazy. He got so irate and aggressive that I was against the slaughter of innocent children that I left. And boy do I feel good.
-The fucker had about $1000 worth of my Blu-rays in his place, and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to blow up his phone numerous times a day until he answered and gave them back to me.
-I dated a girl in HS who eventually killed her husband, two children and herself. She used a knife and fire.
-My ex 10 years ago was an abusive alcoholic, I had enough of her false promises and constant crap that I just walked out. In the next few months she: Would phone my house, drunk, gloating about who she's fucked; Show up to my parents, drunk, demanding to talk to me; Various times she was verbally abusive to my mother who basically told her to "fuck off before I call the cops"; Threatened to lie to police that I sexually abused her son; Threatened to tell police that bruises on her body (from being drunk all the time and falling over a lot) was from me... Ironically SHE was the one who beat me; Told my parents, 5 months after I left her, that she was 2 months pregnant and it had to be mine.... Yeah ok; Threatened to get her son's alcoholic junkie Dad to "do you in" for not answering her calls; Called my boss various times at work, demanding I be fired for being abusive to her at my workplace (supermarket). He laughed at her and told her finally she was banned from the shop for harassing his staff; Probably more, but thinking about it makes me feel like crap...
-My high school "girlfriend" told me she had cancer after our first date. She asked me not to tell anyone and that her parents got really upset if it was mentioned so to not talk about it with anyone. I dated her for six months. She turned herself anorexic to appear "sickly". Once I started making friends, no one understood why I was with her and I kept her secret. Well, I finally put two and two together after she told me she was going in for chemo on a Monday. She said she wasn't going to be at school for at least a week. I caught her trying to hide from me before the first class and asked her how her chemo went. She said it went so well and that all her hair fell out but they sewed it all together and sewed the wig to her head. Yeah... She was a special one.
-If you ignore me for days after constant communication, I'm going to hide in a shadow on a street and wait for you to get home to see you're with your fiancée you conveniently forgot to tell me about.
-After we separated, I left our chinchilla in her care. A few days later, I come back to retrieve some of my stuff and our chinchilla was dead. From the looks of it, he was starved to death. One of the things I regret in life was not taking him with me when I had the chance. This is one of the very few moments in my life where it hurts thinking about it.
-My ex was a pathological liar - he lied about everything. I once was at his apartment waiting for him to finish work - he had invited me over. Well I am texting him all night trying to figure out why he wasn't there yet. He finally arrives at around midnight, saying he has to leave right away to go fix something. The next day he is tagged in tons of pictures at a bar with co-workers. Another time I showed up and my toothbrush was missing. He said my dog ate it and he threw it out, but it ended up being in his closet. I would try to figure out why he was lying, and he would make me think everything was in my head. He ended up sending me into severe depression where I doubted everything about myself. I was sick to my stomach for weeks. Lost a bunch of weight from puking and not being able to eat anything. Worst relationship ever.
-I've definitely been 'crazy'. Snooped through phones, emails, etc. because I knew in my bones he was cheating (confirmed). It made me realise I never want to be with someone who I feel like I "need" to snoop on. Walked away after that.
-Invited herself to my house when my dog was getting put down. On the same day, when she could she attempted to have sex with me. I was obviously unhappy and turned her down. I came to school after the weekend (my dog was put down on Saturday) and she had told everyone that I had forced myself on her and raped her. Later on (a month or so later) she called me and told me to get back with her "or else". I told her I can't get back with her so she said she'd kill herself if I didn't. I didn't say anything, and she downed 70 something pills of potassium. Had a friend call the ambulance, she survived, but wasn't too healthy for a little while. Oh yeah, I was 16-17 when all of this happened.
-Crazy ex-girlfriend here. I had an undiagnosed mental disorder and didn't understand how to handle emotions appropriately.
-My first girlfriend tried to convince me that she was a 300-year-old succubus in the middle of a make-out session. I thought she was just joking, trying to make it a little kinkier or whatever. We kept going, and then went our separate ways. Next time I see her she has this really depressed/aloof outlook about her, so I ask her what's up. She was still going on about the whole succubi thing, and I told her it was funny, but to give it a rest. She got mad at me. She told me she missed her master's castle back home in Europe. At this point I was struggling on deciding what to do because she was obviously drinking the cool-aid and certifiably bonkers, but I really wanted to Bonk HER.
-Broke into my house every day for about a month while I was at work. Showered, cooked food, watched TV and then left before I got home.
-Second ex-girlfriend was waiting for me in the living room about 4 days after we broke up. I forgot she had the second key to my apartment. She had a cup of wine in her hand and a fuckin knife. I fucking ran for my life and called the police. They got there in time and arrested her.
-I came home early one day and she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She very matter of factly said "oh I didn't think you'd be home at this time". Asked how she got in - when we were dating I had lent her my keys once. She got one cut for herself without me knowing. Of course after arguing we had wild sex. Crazy bitch sex can be fun. But that was the second last time ever.
-Crazy current boyfriend story: He doesn't like bacon. Fucking psycho.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN? HERE'S ARE SOME OF THE MANY REASONS WHY...
-A beer won't make you go to church.
-A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburettor" than a woman.
-A beer doesn't think football is stupid because the players spit.
-A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
-If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
-A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
-A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favourite radio station.
-A beer won't claim that the people who make jokes about girls are misogynistic.
-A beer can't spell misogynistic.
-A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
-If you mention a "three-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
-A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
-A beer won't eat in your car.
-A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Malaysian airliner out of the sky.
-A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. Or a Hyundai.
-A beer will actually support belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the upcoming Olympic Games.
-A beer is always ready to leave on time.
-A beer never fishes for compliments.
-Beer tastes good.
-If you take a beer out of the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
-A beer won't raise any objections to an evening spent surfing Orsm.
-An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
-A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're called the Circle Jerks.
-A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
-A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Orsm "just for the jokes".
-A beer won't fill up your car with poxy regular petrol just because it's a few cents cheaper.
-A beer will never make you watch a romcom.
-A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like a crusty ass.
-Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
-If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
-You can enjoy a beer all month.
-Beer stains wash out.
-You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
-Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
-When beer goes flat you toss it out.
-Hangovers go away.
-Beer labels come off without a fight.
-When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
-A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
-You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
-A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
-You can share a beer with your friends.
-You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
-A beer is always wet.
-Beer doesn't demand equality.
-A beer doesn't care when you come.
-You can have a beer in public.
-A frigid beer is a good beer.
-You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
-Beer always comes in multiples of six.
-Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
-You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
-After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
-A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
-When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
-You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
-Beer looks the same in the morning.
-Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
-Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
-Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
-Beer doesn't get cramps.
-Beer doesn't have a mother.
-Beer doesn't have morals.
-Beer always listens and never argues.
-Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
-Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
-Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
-Beer doesn't demand equality.
-Beer is never overweight.
-If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
-Beer won't go nuts with your credit cards.
-Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
-Beer doesn't need much closet space.
-Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
-Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
-Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
-Beer never changes its mind.
-Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
-Beer never asks you to change the station.
-Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
-Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
-Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
-Beer is always easy to pick up.
-Big, fat beers are nice to have.
-Beer doesn't pout or play games.
-Beer NEVER says no.
-Beer is easy to get into.
-Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
-Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
-Beer doesn't wear a bra.
-Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
-Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
-Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
-A beer won't make you go to church.
-Beer doesn't blow you off.
-Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
-Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
-Beer doesn't mind football season.
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas...?"
His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box".
Joe Blow, the aspiring young executive, was late for an appointment and in the process of doubling the speed limit in his BMW when a VW beetle pulled out in front of him. He could not slow down fast enough and slammed into the old beetle. Surprisingly, the BMW was totalled while the beetle was in good shape. The driver of the compact was amused at the condition of the two cars.
The exec was so enraged that he had a hard time keeping from attacking the driver of the VW. The exec drew a large circle on the ground off to one side.
He said "You get in that circle and stay there, or I'm going to beat the shit out of you!" The exec got a tire iron out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of the beetle. The man in the circle just smiled. The exec just got madder and madder. He smashed the headlights and tail lights. When he looked back, the other man was snickering to himself. This so infuriated the exec that he smashed in the hood of the beetle. The other man was laughing so hard that he could barely stand up.
Unable to stand any more, the frustrated exec tromped away. About this time a fellow in a pickup truck pulled up and offered the VW driver a ride. "What are you laughing about? He just trashed your car".
"Yeah" the other man replied "but I snuck outside of that circle three times".
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike" she began "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"
"And, Mike" she continued "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"
"Well" Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air "there's that blow job I was promising you".
Well let's not beat around the bush. The time has come and this is what you need to know. Read:
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no line dancing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.