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orsmupdate 2017.12.14-20.11

Welcome to let me tell you a coupla three things.

Feel like I've been fighting an unnecessary battles all week. You know you have that one mate who is really hard work? Its like having 50 of them. Have had a good handle on the stress because the world isn't ending after all... or maybe it is... and low serotonin levels are making me not care. Well not until today anyway. Things have escalated to infuriating today.

First and foremost is the bank. New bank at that. I understand that when you submit paperwork shit needs to be right because they're usually legal docs and that means something... legally... but seriously how insanely pedantic can you be? I'll tell you - a friend witnessed a document for me. Name and details had to be on one particular page. It was done as per instructions, sent off and they sent it back. Why? Because the same info has to be repeated 4 times. But wait - not 4 times spread across various sections in a multipage document - nope! Four fucking times on the same page all riiiight next to each other. Name/address/occupation/cock size. By now it's urgent, everyone knows this, so they send it regular slow-as-fuck snail mail back... at which point I correct it, headed immediately into the city and to whichever government authority needed to approve it... who literally rolled their eyes in disbelief I'd been sent there at all... date stamped and sent me on my way.

But wait there's more! That one particular doc needed to be accompanied by another doc. I had already scanned and sent through to them last week. Now all of a sudden they wanted the original. Okay then. But nope! Now they want me to get the same document reissued from the relevant government department. One for me AND one for the GF. The true cuntiness of this request is when I got the original one issued in August was right before some change in legislation or procedure or something that does one single thing - it quadruples the cost! So to reiterate... I paid it once, now I have to pay it again at 4 times the price and for two people. LOL.

Meanwhile anyone that can answer a question or is in some way involved in the process is 'out of the office' or in a meeting for the rest of the day'. Governmental/bank speak for "We're at one of six of our office Christmas parties". It doesn't matter anyway - I've called a few times today. Each person I have spoken to has not only given me a different answer, but a conflicting one! LOL.

The icing on the cake though is that in about a week the deadline to have it all sorted will hit. What that means is: the entire fucking process has to start from the beginning. No extensions will be granted. Its taken 9 months to get this far and I'll have to start from scratch. Unbelievable.


Next has been travel insurance. Loooooong story short - when we were away recently a flight got cancelled which meant we 'incurred' an extra 24 hours in paradise. Damn shame but hey that's what travel insurance is for right? So I submit the claim online...

A week later they respond asking for a claim form to be filled in plus some details of the flight etc. The majority of this info they already have but seems like nothing to accomplish by pointing that out and obediently send it off to them. Sure enough, they ask for even more info so I gather and send it all off too. Well of course they are pretty fucking keen NOT to pay up and ask me to contact the airline and get a statement outlining 'the reason why flight has been cancelled'. What the fuck does it matter you might wonder? Well me too... but rather than ask a stupid question I email the airline... and wait and wait and FINALLY they send me a letter... with the wrong info... and close the case. My emails then bounce automatically.

So I DM them on Twitter and they say "Sorry. That is our official Delays/cancellation's letter. You may submit to your insurance and do let's us know if any. Cheers! :)" WHAT THE FUCK? Let you know if any what????

Throughout this saga I've tried hitting them up on live chat. On the very, very rare occasions the chat just isn't available, like at all, and I am able to connect, I'm 100 in the queue. Then if I'm really lucky, I'll get to around 50 before the chat goes offline.

Its Plank level ineptitude. How these numpty's manage to fly planes without them crashing is beyond me. Oh wait a sec... they don't...

At this point it's back to square one with the airline. I've sent a new email simplifying the issues as much as possible: "I was scheduled on this flight on this date. Why was it cancelled?"

Meanwhile I get an email from the insurance jerks saying they believe the flight delay to be just 5 hours therefore according to blah-blah-blah it's not covered. Case closed. Clearly they have not bothered to read any of the shit they asked me to submit. So I screenshot everything and put arrows and circles and highlight to *hopefully* make them understand what's happening... as if they are imbeciles. Case reopened but it sure as hell cannot move forward without this 'basic requirement'. LOL what? Nothing has ever been harder! And obviously they are not imbeciles because making the requirements next to impossible is an genius tactic that will deter people from jumping through the hurdles and avoid them paying out claims.

So what can have we learned today? Nothing! Banks, airlines and insurance companies are wankers and we already knew that! Let's do the update. Check it...

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Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says "Use the FORKS, Luke".
A redneck took his daughter to the gynaecologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered "To get my daughter on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your daughter sexually active?" asked the Doctor. "No" answered the redneck "she just lays there like her mother".
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin? snowin? hailin? Why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money" replied Mick "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros". "Yeah, I understand that" said Seamus "But why do all the others do it?"
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says "I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most* of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams 'Faster!'" "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly "Is when she screams... 'Deeper!'"
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".


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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

ne student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that".

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class".

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man, Mr Curran, said "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think".

The first student said "I think it's Peltry Syndrome". The old man Curran said "You thought... but you are wrong!"

The other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome". The old man Curran said "You thought... but you are wrong!"

So they asked him "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man, Curran said "Well, I thought it was gas... but I was wrong, too!"



Previously on Orsm: PDA's #5 - PDA's #4 - PDA's #3 - PDA's #2 - PDA's #1

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on!

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of wild sexual abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill, and a note that read "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you".


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"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhoea" a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid".

"Okay don't be hard on him. He's just a kid" the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him".

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has".

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up". Replied the doctor. "Well" the man admitted "I think my wife now has it too".

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"



Previously on Orsm: PANTIES #2 - PANTIES #1

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Most of these are just common sense but as we all know common sense is not very common at all. Thus the need for lists just like this...

-If you're heading towards a vacant parking lot especially at night or when the area is not particularly safe, walk with the car keys in your hand. This will reduce the amount of time it takes you to get into your car and start it, thereby reducing your exposure to any sudden attack. Also, a key held in your fist and protruding between your knuckles can also act as a makeshift weapon in case of any emergency.

-Crayons can be used as a makeshift candle and will burn for quite some time.

-If you see a photo of yourself (or anyone else - particularly children) where they only have one 'red eye' from the flash, this could be a sign of retinoblastoma (a type of eye cancer).

-If you are trying to break up a dog fight, always grab the back legs of the dog(s) and pull backwards. Most people grab the collar on instinct, and that's how you get bitten.

-Keep your car keys on your bedside table. During a home invasion, if the car is in your bedroom range, you can press the panic alert button on your key that will cause your car horn to blast and headlights to flash, thereby scaring the burglar/criminal away.

-Nylon stockings can be used as rope, as well as a tourniquet. They can also be used to filter out larger debris from the water.

-Any shiny object will do the job, but a compact mirror in your survival kit can be a lifesaver when used as a silent emergency beacon. It can be effective in both sun and moonlight, and can even start fires on a sunny day.

-Never drive when you are tired. Sleepy drivers are basically the same as drunk drivers.

-If a stranger gets in your car forcefully and orders you to take them somewhere, you can drive straight into a pole or a lamp post. This way the car is not driveable and you'll draw attention to yourself.

-Condoms are even more useful than stockings - you can clean one and turn it into a water container, use as a latex glove, convert into a makeshift slingshot and even keep your cell phone and other things safe from dust and water.

-Gunpowder really can sterilise and cauterise a wound. While not the best solution, it is an option when a trip to emergency isn't an option.

-If you are in a survival situation, breathe through your nose and not your mouth. Breathing through your mouth uses up more energy. Stay calm and breathe through your nose to save energy and moisture.

-If you like a drink, do so in moderation. Never get inebriated in a bar or restaurant full of strangers.

-In the case of an earthquake, curl up into the foetal position. This will help protect your body and allow you to fit in smaller voids (in collapsed buildings). If possible, try and curl up next to larger, bulky objects (like a sofa). This will give you added protection.

-If you work a desk job, be sure to get up at least once every two hours and walk around for 5 - 10 minutes. This reduces the chance of developing blood clots in your calves.

-If caught in a burning building, get low. The breathable air will be closer to the floor.

-Leave a note detailing where you are going at your home or in your motel/hotel room if you are planning a day hike. Also, leave a similar note in your vehicle when you get to your destination. And make certain that you stick to the area where you stated that you would be.

-You can use an analogue watch as a makeshift compass. If you're in the northern hemisphere, align the hour hand with the sun, and about halfway between the hour hand and the number 12 is where South is. In the southern hemisphere, align the number 12 with the sun instead.

-Do not under any circumstances throw water on burning oil.

-If you are lost and need directions quickly, find any place that does delivery. Pizza joints and the like are good bets for getting directions, as are hotels.

-If you are lost and you encounter a stream or a fence walk along them. The stream always flows downhill and invariably will reach a larger tributary or a body of water. The fence will almost always lead to a road or a structure.

-Use a head light and a water jug to create an ambient light source.

-Impaled by something - do not remove it. If it punctured any major blood vessels, you could bleed out and die.

-When stuck in a rip, swim parallel to shore. If you try and swim against the rip, you will be pulled out to sea.

-If you are in a foreign country, stay out of political discussions unless you know all of the parties very well. If pressed for an opinion, then simply state that you don't know enough to comment.

-Need batteries but the only ones you had are too small? Use aluminium foil to fill the gap between the battery and the docking point on the device.

-If falling into water from a height, try enter the water feet first with your arms to the side and clench your butthole so water doesn't shoot up your butt.

-No weapon? Use your belt. If you have nothing to defend yourself with in a survival situation against an attacker, your belt can be used as a whip.

-If you find that you are lost and you don't feel comfortable stopping, walk slowly in the direction that you believe that you came from. That way you will be able to ascertain more quickly if you are walking in circles or if are going the wrong way.

-If you need to disinfect and sterilise polluted water, add 2-3 drops of bleach to a water bottle, shake well and let it sit for about 30 minutes.

-Locked in a car? The rear windows are designed to be broken easily.

-Don't walk down the stairs with your hands in your pockets. You need your hands to protect your head or stop your fall.

Do you want more? Part I of this list was posted in May. Find it here.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.



Previously on Orsm: IPHONE GIRLS #3 - IPHONE GIRLS #2 - IPHONE GIRLS #1

This is probably bullshit but does make an interesting point...

A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car could've fed thousands of less fortunate people.

His response to this man made him famous on the internet.

Read his story as stated on Facebook below:

A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said "I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost".

I replied I am not sure;

It fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it
It fed the people who make the tires
It fed the people who made the components that went into it
It fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires
It fed people in Decatur IL. At Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore
It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer
And fed the people working at the dealership and their families

BUT... I have to admit, I guess I really don't know how many people it fed.

That is the difference between capitalism and welfare mentality.

When you buy something, you put money in people's pockets and give them dignity for their skills.

When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.

Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.

Socialism is taking your money against your will and shoving something down your throat that you never asked for.


RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 14

OLDER SHITE: 7th December - 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - 9th November - MORE >

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A hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer were riding in a car. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look".

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes".

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"



Previously on Orsm: PUFFY NIPS #2 - PUFFY NIPS #1

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asks the first soldier, a Special Forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent" says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7,000".

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent" replies the commander after measuring the marine "75 inches, so that's £7,500".

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to the end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands, sahr!"






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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Save Ferris. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.