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orsmupdate 2016.12.08-18.27

Welcome to putting the fun in funeral.

Just so we're clear - at no point this week did it look like this update would happen. The GF was a plane ride away for a work something something leaving me to deal with everything on the home front. I'm equipped to handle most things - with some reasonably brutal morning sickness making itself known for the past month or two I've been active in kitchen and laundry departments anyway so -in my mind- removing the mother character temporarily was just going to make my life easier... there'd actually be less to do... right?

And that boys and girls, is how you temp fate... with an overinflated opinion of your abilities.

Sure enough, as the GF boarded her flight, things turned to shit. First was that polite call from daycare where they said 'the poor little thing seems a bit off' followed by an awkwardly forceful call where they use nice words to say 'get it the fuck out of here NOW'. Did that. Visited a nurse friend for a check of all the vitals then headed home with a lot of whining. Things of course continued to slide and no one got much sleep that night. Burnt through an industrial quantity of disinfecting wipes cleaning stomach contents off carpet, floors and walls as well as a commercial volume of washing machine soap whilst sanitising cushions, clothes and bed linen.

Was pretty bloody happy when the GF rolled in Tuesday night and we've been on a slow road to recovery since. The shenanigans sapped a lot of time out of my update schedule which has meant I've had to actually be busy as opposed to look busy. I've even had to not watch TV whilst sitting at the computer. Oh the humanity.

Even though with another couple of paragraphs I'd technically have enough to call this a complete blog post, I'm going to post a fruck load of jokes here instead. K? K. Check it...

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy". A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong". They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide" she said "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "Behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. What is it?" she asked. "An apple" replied little Raymond "No" said the teacher "It's a tomato but it shows your thinking". "I've now got something round, a greenish colour, you can eat it". "An apple?" replied little Ian. "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking". Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's a couple inches long, white and it has a red end". "Dirty little boy" said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking" he answered.
"Honey" said this husband to his wife "I invited a friend home for supper". "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that". "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married".
Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time" said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time" repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said "Because my brother might be coming!"
"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" Bob replied.
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture topic and on to his favourite subject - the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana. "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor" interrupted a student. "Castration?!" "You bet son" replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said "Let's get off the corner". No one moved, so he barked again "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good "replied the veteran "considering this is a bus stop".
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied "I'd like to have some birth control pills". Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied "They help me sleep better". The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night".

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Selfie Teasing#Onefingerselfie Challenge Sees People Censoring Their Naked Bodies With Just One Finger- Holy HitCarny Ride Operator Gets Destroyed - That BITCH!This Is Why Exes Can’t Be ‘Just Friends’ - Guy Catches Girlfriend Cheating With Her Ex On Camera - Sweet JusticeReckless Driver Videos Himself Speeding On Facebook Live Before Accident - Sucked OffDrunk Girl Gets Sucked To Her Death - Porn WTF'sFive Possibly Boner Killing Clips From Otherwise Decent Porn Scenes. Featuring A Magic Penis That Gives A Girl The Ability To Communicate With Water Mammals As Well As An Unconscious Teenager And Another That Cries. Haha. - Went ThereAwkward Anchor Drops A Terrible Joke - Girl On GirlTwo Beautiful Babes Canoodling; Pleasuring. - Sucker PunchInmate Sucker Punches Corrections Officer -

Mariah SlipMariah Carey Nipple Slip From Her Black Bathing Suit - 90's NudityNice Lil’ Collection Of Some Of Kerri Kendall! She Used To Show Off Her Huge Naturals In Playboy During The 90’s And They Look Just As Good Today. - Pedo BustedDisabled Paedophile Gets Hit By A Car After Trying To Running Away From Vigilant Group LOL - Seeya Bud!It Finally Happened: Russian Tower Climber Falls To His Death - PenetratedHow In The Hell Does She Fit All That Cock Inside Her Tight Little Velvet Purse Is Beyond Me... Her Pussy Will Never Be The Same! - Cam FuckersShe Just Can't Stop Screaming As He Ploughs Her Shaven Pussy - Stolen PicsJerk Boyfriend Posted Her Naked And Sex Pics Online After She Dumped His Ass. - Anal NurseCassandra Michelli Is An Anal Nurse Fantasy Cum True - Cop EndedCop Films His Own Death

Cringe-donnaMadonna And Ariana Grande Attempted To Connect With What They Feel Is Actual Art, You Know Since They Have Been Calling Themselves Artists For Their Entire Lives - Daddy IssuesExtreme Daddy Issues - BJ CompilationEnjoy 10 Minutes Of Various Goddesses Schlopping Down On Fat Dongs. Everyone Has Their Own Style And All Of These Are Pretty Fucking Amazing! - Rear-EndedRound Latin Ass Gets Fucked Balls Deep By 13 Inches Of Black Cock - Deep ButtsexEager Little Teen Couldn't Wait To Unzip His Pants... Regret Begins In 3... 2... 1... - Aubrey NipsAubrey Plaza Forgot To Wear A Bra On The Red Carpet - Voluptu-assHere’s Busty Blonde Katie Thornton Topless And Lounging In A Pool! With Winter Coming I Kinda Wish I Was Lounging Right There With Her. - MMA MumSoccer Mom Gets Destroyed In MMA Fight - U Idiot!How Not To Chase A Suspect

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says "Um... no... um... what happened?" The neighbour replies "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of her weight. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself". Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"


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Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and her eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

Suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses, and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in the Federal Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.



GIRLS SHOPPING galleries previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - GUYS WAITING FOR WIVES

Two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says "Okay, suit yourself" and continues to eat everything - skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat". And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half-digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"


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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die".

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "SLUT!" he said, and dropped her.



Previously on Orsm: CEMETERY FLASHING #1

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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

As the gate began to open the man asked "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump," said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo. Now you see. Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward emails. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how - you forward stuff. A 'forward' lets you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still cared for. So, next time if you get a 'forward', don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.

After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your driver's license and vehicle registration please". The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"

The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

And the husband replies "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"



Previously on Orsm: SMOKING SMOKERS #1

Two gay dudes were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.

One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted "WOULDN'T YOU BE? THAT BIG APE HASN'T CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN..."


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OLDER SHITE: 1st December - 24th November - 17th November - 10th November - 3rd November - 27th October

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One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done pinching a loaf, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall saying "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean".

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realises that although it's nasty, that he had no choice...

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man's fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.



Previously on Orsm: BORYEONG MUD FESTIVAL #1

Other times girls had fun in the mud: MUDDY #2 - MUDDY #1 - WRESTLING

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon". The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum".

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics". The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!" The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.


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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and suffer in ya jocks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.