Welcome to telling people what to do.
Not for not trying but it seems there was no chance of this being a fully formed update. Tried and tried but just too many outside, uncontrollable and dare I say it, more important factors at play which have sapped time and sleep. The good news, and there is LOTS of good news today, is that with the time available, I made sure the rest of this update was well and truly up to par... because that's how I motherfucking roll + I'm good to you guys like that.
The other good news is that the first edition of the long-awaited Reader Mail section will return NEXT WEEK. Make sure you swing by because it's going to be a fucking monster and is everything you have been waiting for. Anyway let's start the update with a pile of jokes. Check it...
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a USB drive of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV. In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says "Hi Baby. I want a divorce".
We live in Australia and my missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted "It's okay, mother, you can come down now!"
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whines. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick" replies the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid car, you haven't even noticed your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God!" replies the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Dave and his new wife had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her" Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "No way!!" his bride retorted "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could".
"Get this" said a guy to his friends "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house". "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"
Lisa and Frank got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head - he had no arms, legs or torso. So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body. So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever. When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out. When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out. After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body. As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died. The moral of the story: quit while you're a head.
Two cab drivers met. "Hey" asked one "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well" the other responded "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other".
My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.
The party was going really well and the drinks were flowing freely. A man was getting along very well with an attractive young woman and he asked the host "Do you mind if I use one of your spare bedrooms?" "Not at all, Dave" replied the gracious host "the bedrooms are upstairs, but make sure you use the second one on the left". "Oh, all right..." said the man "Why?" "Tom and your wife are using the first one".
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish". The fisherman looks around and says "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
UnsexifiedThis Is What Really Happens During A Hollywood Sex Scene - Just CruelInsane Egyptian Tv Show Pranks Paris Hilton Into Thinking Her Plane’s Going To Crash - OITNB GirlsTop 10 Hot Actresses On "Orange Is The New Black" - Much PainGuy Sees What It’s Like To Wear High Heels For An Entire Day—Turns Out It’s Incredibly Painful - Boner PrankA Bunch Of Bikini Models Have To Deal With A Production Assistant Sporting A Very Obvious Boner. They Have No Idea Where To Look! - Original Plan'The Pearl Of The Costa Grande' – Two Friends Get Caught Up In A Comically Dark Bank Robbery - Outdoor SexAllie Haze Gets Shafted In An Outdoor Shower - Want ThisSkye West And Trisha Parks Naked Threeway Fuck - Lela StarLela Star Seduces With Her Massive Boot - Creepy?This Kid Has Crazy Sleight Of Hand Skills And Is Also, Strangely, Creepy As Fuck.
Rick & MortyJoin Rick And Morty On Four Retro-Tastic Point-And-Click Adventures Made By Developers With Very Little Time And Even Less Monsssssssssssssssey. - StrikeforceCommand Your Elite Squads Of Soldiers In The Sequel To The Hugely Popular Strike Force Heroes Series. - PokiesNatalie Portman Sweet Pokies While Strolling Along - VoluptuousValory Irene's Is A True Work Of Art. That's All You Need To Know. - Comin' DownTop 20 Comedown Pics From Glastonbury In The History Of Comedown Pics - Stoned CuntThey're Putting THC Into Almost Anything These Days. Everything From Soda To Body Lotion. What I Want To Know Is How Bad Are The Munchies? - Sharp Shot18 Year Old May Be One Of The Most Badass Sharp Shooters Around - Double-ASome Girls Don't Want Cock... Anywhere But Deeeeep Inside Their Butt... - Slut CopThis Cop Can Fuck Me Anytime She Wants - WreckedMan Flips His Jeep Off-roading And Snaps His Neck
CoolnessTen Gen Is A Fast Paced Number Puzzle Board Game With Unique Gameplay For The Fast Thinking Person In You. - SickeningSomewhere Between China And Insanity, There Is Japan. A Magical Land Where All Your Wildest Nightmares Probably Have A Porn Series. - Eat PussyThese Guys Were Lucky To Witness One Girl Licking Out Another Girl On A Public Bus. This Is Huge Win. - Pls ExplainVery, Very Long Dildo Removed From An Ass Would Have Been Very, Very Hard To Explain - Prego TitsKim Kardashian’s Pregnant Shirt Reveals Those Awesome Jubblie - Got A Smoke?She Just Wants A Smoke. And To Let Her Tits Breathe I Guess. Is That So Wrong? - RidiculousI Would Definitely Be Asking For My Money Back. Those Things Are Ridiculous!! - PatheticObese Woman Got Held Inside A Chicken Shop After Stealing A Gamebo - PainalWell Gee... That's Must Be A Real Literal Pain In The Ass - Ga-BoobLady Gaga Pops Out A Boob Picking Up A Pizza - Miss JulyKayla Rae Reid Is Playboy’s Miss July 2015 And There Is No Guessing How She Got That Gig!
So, I walk in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. I shout "Fuck, seriously?" "I was going to eat that later, now it's just going to taste like salad".
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy. A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy".
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking". The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight". "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics" says the drunk. "We're on the patch".
Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mummy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vagina. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".
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TRAVEL HORROR STORIES
-I have no problem with squat toilets, they're fine and, but sometimes things are just weird. In China and Cuba some public conveniences had no doors, no cubicles, no privacy. Squatting over a channel with a toilet attendant tapping me on the head wanting payment for using her facilities was a new and interesting experience. Or there was the pig toilet in an undeveloped part of Goa - a hole in the floor with a porcine snout a few feet from your nether regions. I know it's recycling, but it was a little unnerving.
-My girlfriend and I decided to go from DC to Chicago for Christmas via Amtrak, about a 12 hour trip. The train kept stopping then moving for a bit at a time in the middle of nowhere until eventually we were told the tracks were frozen. The heat went out, the toilets backed up, and the train ran out of food before we finally rolled into Chicago after almost 30 hours.
-When I checked in I noticed plaster had fallen from the ceiling onto the bed and the floor, so they moved me to a new room. One evening I came and found my door wide open, no housekeepers around. My gold necklace and laptop computer were out in plain sight on the desk. A colleague saw a mouse in her room. The air-conditioning could not keep up with the heat so they turned off the air in public spaces like lobbies and hallways, which meant that the doors swelled from the humidity and had to be forced open. The final straw was when I picked up the third quarter of my club sandwich and found a dead cockroach on my plate. This was all in one week at one hotel in Virginia!
-After a week-long trip to Cuba, I was at the airport waiting to board my flight back. A flight attendant accidentally opened one of the doors early and the inflatable slide expanded. We all laughed until we realised the ramifications. As a result of the 'oops moment,' we were stranded at the airport an extra day. The airline actually had to fly in an engineer to fix it. Hanging out in an airport in Cuba with armed guards everywhere for many hour wasn't fun.
-Berlin in the height of summer. Connecting flight cancelled on the runway, so I missed the international departure from Frankfurt to Tokyo. The big problem was the large selection of European cheeses I had placed in the suitcase, which was sent to who knows where. When we were finally reunited the hard cheeses were soft and the soft cheeses were liquid. And the stench accomplished the almost impossible task of completely overwhelming my week's collection of used socks.
-There was that time we had a few hours to wait in the middle of the night at Chennai train station. People were sleeping all over the platforms with rats creeping between the bags and bodies. I stood up the whole time.
-One day, in Northern Israel, the bus stopped at a beach to take a break. Just as we got down to the water, a big wave came in... and brought with it oodles of jellyfish. One big blueish-purple jelly slapped a boy right across the chest as the wave crashed into him. Almost everyone got stung. As it turned out, the jellyfish weren't poisonous, but their stings burned and itched unbelievably.
-Thailand for our honeymoon, hubby got stopped at Heathrow security as he was deemed to be causing offence to other passengers. His crime? Wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Lego Han Solo and the words "Don't get Cocky!" We never found out what element caused offence but whatever it was he had to wear his t-shirt inside out while in the terminal.
-Stayed one time at the Water Club hotel in Atlantic City. Checked out two days early and came home because horrible service, threats by staff was just too much. Awful! The final threat was that the bar manager was going to beat me up for not tipping on their poor service.
-Trekking in the Himalayas and finding the mountain side had recently been taken out by a huge land slide, a week's walk back down, or we cross. Picking our way across deep, sticky mud praying it won't all start moving again wasn't nice. Despite that, and a couple of nearby avalanches, trekking in Nepal is actually one of my best experiences ever.
-Australian traveller, Erin Langworthy, was bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge while visiting Zambia when the cord snapped and she plunged 111 meters (364 ft) into crocodile-infested waters below. She was swept down the swollen river, her feet still bound together by 10 meters (30 ft) of rope, and spent 40 minutes in the water, until she finally managed to grab onto some rocks and be plucked to safety bungee employees. It was more than 5 hours between jumping and reaching hospital Despite her lungs being partially collapsed and covered in bruises, she didn't suffer any serious injuries and returned home two weeks later. She had been the 106th person to jump that day.
-On a recent flight from Jacksonville to Newark, I was seated directly across from a very ill woman. This wasn't simple motion sickness either. She was using her complimentary 'bag' before we even began taxiing. The flight attendants asked her if she wanted to deplane but she insisted on staying... and continued to get sick for the entire flight, shaking and lying across three seats. Eventually, the attendants just gave her an industrial-sized black garbage bag. Yuck.
-On a vacation in Key West, my family rented a pontoon boat and sailed out to spend the day at a sand bar. Eventually it was time to sail back and everyone piled into the front of the boat. After a little while, we realised that the boat was moving slowly so we shut the engine off to restart and the whole boat started to tip over - like the front end was completely submerged and the motor was 3 feet out of the water. We all ran to the back, but the water just kept pouring in the front. We started panicking and tried to get the water out whichever way we could. After we'd given up all hope of staying afloat, we realised that the anchor had fallen off the front of the boat... and we were dragging it through miles and miles of endangered coral reef.
-My worst flight was on a trip from Dublin to London. Out of nowhere, the plane took a nose dive... for about eight seconds! I know it doesn't seem like that long, but seriously, count for eight seconds. That's a long nose dive. Passengers started screaming, luggage went flying out of the overhead bins and the lights went out. So scary! I really thought the plane was going to crash.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal "Let me ask him some questions". The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs..."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied "Bubble gum". Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands".
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck". The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..."
125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX
Is it in?
You've got to be kidding me.
(phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
Oh momma, momma!
Oh dadda, dadda!
You look better in the dark.
This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole...
Don't tell my husband/wife.
You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! Is that all you know how to do?
Did I tell you I have herpes?
Now we must get married.
Hurry up, the game's about to start.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?
By the way, I want to break up.
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven't you ever done this before?
Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
You're so much like your sister...
Your mom's cute.
What's your name again?
Do I have to be here in the morning?
A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
But you just started!
You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
Don't touch that!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!
Take off that damn monkey glove!
Get your hand out of there!
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!
DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
God, that is small!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Who smells like fish?
Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
Your best friend does it much better.
Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
Hurry up, the motors running.
You're fogging up the wind shield.
Can I borrow 5 bucks?
What the hell noise was that?!
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
You know, you're not really attractive.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
Stop interrupting me!
I have to take a shit.
Did I leave the iron on?
Your breath is funky.
(start singing Green Day)
Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going...
Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
God I wish you were a real woman.
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit.
Your breast milk is like my mom's...
Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
Is it OK if I never see you again?
Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
Don't make that face at me!
All of a sudden I have a headache.
I like your tits.
Suck my dick, bitch.
How much do I owe you?
How come we each have a penis?
Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
Just use your finger, its bigger.
Does your family have to watch?
We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
Get off me, I'll do it myself!
Can you hold this sandwich for me?
You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
My mom taught me this...
How cute... Peach fuzz!
Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
Should I ask why you're bleeding?
This is my pet rat, Larry...
If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
Is it OK if I tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
You're no better than my brother!
Fire in the hole!
I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?!
You ever see Basic Instinct?
I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
You got boogies showing.
(start reciting the 10 Commandments)
I think I just shit on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.
Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.
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TRAVEL HORROR STORIES (CONTINUED)
-On a recent flight to Phoenix I scored an upgrade but to a middle seat. As I approached my seat I was shocked to see the woman in the window seat had a toddler and a golden retriever. The dog took up from the wall to the far edge of my seat. He was a service dog and I understand they have to carry him, but I'm not sure it was appropriate to take away my floor space to do it. The woman saw my look of shock and said "Just put your feet on him, he won't mind". You know, because he was the only one that might mind this arrangement for 4 and a half hours.
-British tourist Rochelle Harris was on a flight back from a holiday in Peru in 2013 when she began experiencing a powerful headache and shooting pains in her face. She also began hearing strange scratching noises and had a discharge from her ear. On returning home, 27-year-old Harris paid a visit to a doctor who soon discovered eight maggots wriggling around inside her ear canal. She remembered walking through a swarm of flies while hiking on her vacation and one had been buzzing in her ear, but once she waved the fly away, she thought nothing more of it. The insect was a "new world screw-worm fly" which generally lay their larvae in the wounds of warm-blooded animals. Once they hatched 24 hours later, the maggots chewed a 12-millimetre (half inch) hole in the ear canal.
-The absolute worst happened in Dominica, when I woke up at 4am to see an intruder climbing out the window right next to my side of the bed. He had taken a ladder and broken into our second-floor room while we were sleeping. He must have been in the room for a little while because he had walked all the way around our bed and rooted through our clothes until he found our wallets.
-There was the time I was alone, separated from my dive group, not a boat in site, while scuba diving a ship wreck off Townsville, in an area known for tiger sharks. Seriously terrifying!
-We were in Denver and one of the guys we were traveling with woke up in the middle of the night with a strange, drunk man passed out next to him. Turns out, the guy had forgotten both his key and his room number. When the intoxicated man went to the night clerk to sort things out, he blurted out any number he could think of "and the front desk just gave him a key, no questions asked!"
-There was the rat as big as a Labrador puppy that once wandered through the restaurant in which we were eating in Sri Lanka. "Don't worry, all restaurants have rats, sir" said the proprietor. He was probably right.
-I had the delayed flight horror on one trip from Denver to Ottawa via Chicago. I was squeezed into the middle seat between two football-player-sized fellows who smelled of garlic and last night's beer. We sat on the tarmac for five hours. They wouldn't let us off the plane, would not serve food, or let us stand or go to the bathroom as we were waiting for permission to take off - and the air-conditioning didn't work! The two fellows on either side turned into a bath of sweat. The plane took off, and took a very long flight detour to the south as there were storms in our path. The hot food had long since cooled off. The cold drinks were warm, and the staff finally decided they couldn't serve the food as it was not suitable to eat. Of course, any connecting flights were non-existent on our arrival in Chicago, many hours late. And at the baggage counter, they advised that they couldn't find the luggage of anyone on the whole plane.
-I had THE bag stolen at the airport when we were emigrating. The one with the paperwork, cameras, photos, jewellery and insurance info. It was horrible, very traumatic, it still upsets me now to know that somebody just took my valuables and threw all my family photos in the bin.
-Smudges on white sheets are never a welcome sight, so imagine my horror when I came into my room one evening and found dark, brown-coloured stains wiped on the lower portion of my pillow and the sheets of my turned-down bed. I dared not approach, since there was nothing else in sight to suggest their nature. And yes, I thought the worst - so many people use the same sheets in a hotel that stains could go unchecked. The front desk sent a member of the cleaning staff to investigate. Soon, they uncovered a half-eaten chocolate bar stuffed under the covers.
-Finding a rat curled up on my bed. Worse - this was three days into the trip and they found out later that he had been living in that room for more than a few days!
-I once saw live rabbits being skinned for the pot in a market in China. I can cope with most things, but that had me in tears. I know worse things happen, but I'm a bunny hugger.
-How about the time I was doing sit ups in my hotel room in Chicago. I looked up and found a used condom stuck to the underside of the bed. Immediately called the front desk, which sent up a young guy with rubber gloves to remove the thing. I guess that's what I get for not going to the gym.
-I was traveling from Salt Lake City to Atlanta on a Delta 767. We were on our take-off roll when the pilot jammed on the brakes and brought the whole proceedings to a halt. As we taxied off the runway, the pilot informed us that an engine warning light had illuminated and he had to abort. Back at the gate, the maintenance crew did their inspection and could find nothing wrong with the engine. Maintenance called HQ in Atlanta whose response was to not worry and send the flight on its way. Everyone had a death grip on the armrests when we started down the runway for a second time. Fortunately we flew off without a problem however it took a day or two for my blood pressure to get back to normal.
-Having to eat food to be polite is hard sometimes. Meeting a family of nomads in Mongolia was an incredible experience but I have a strong aversion to milk which made sipping mares milk tea, complete with flecks of blood, pretty unpleasant. The homemade biscuits that came with the tea were good, if full of horse hair. But we were perfect guests, we did what we had to do and smiled politely.
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My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much".
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied "but my cucumbers are enormous".
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours".
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Fred?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier!" she replies.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store..."
So here we are...
-Check out the site archives. They'll make you wetter than a fat chick on her way to a buffet.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Again READER MAIL WILL BE BACK NEXT THURSDAY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will oppose in the strongest possible terms literally everything you say.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and grant me sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.