Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
orsmupdate 2018.02.15-17.65

Welcome to I have nipples... could you milk me?

Sometimes you have to ask yourself 'Hey Orsm - what's the point of writing a thing up the top here when ALL you'll be doing is delaying people from the awesomeness which awaits them below? I mean sure, you're a fucking amazing writer, you're a fucking great guy, you have a beautiful penis, your abundant charisma is rarely seen in this world, but it's not always about you, man'.

Can't argue common sense can ya? Check it...


A man is walking down the street and sees a guy at a bus stop with no arms or legs. He calls to him "Hey mate, how are you getting on?"
I was standing in front of someone at the check-out queue in my local supermarket when I accidentally farted. A man behind me wearing a kippah on his head (who I assumed was Jewish) got extremely angry and asked me how dare I do such a dirty deed in public, and in front of him too! To which I replied: "Just calm down man... a little gas never killed anyone!"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick" said the woman to the lover "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone" said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said "Those little bastards!"
A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?' The man says "The good news". The doctor frowns and says "The good news is we're naming it after you".
This girl called Anita in my gym went to see her family doctor for her diet plan. Anita said to the doc "My worry is my height and not how much I weigh". The doctor was surprised and asked "And why is that?" Anita replied "If you go by my weight, I should be 7 feet and 5 inches tall!"
Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Shorten for PM" T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Shorten T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
The graduate with a science degree asks "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks "Do you want fries with that?"
"I have to have a raise" the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me". "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company".
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a set of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this??" he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April" he hollered into the bathroom "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow!"

Click for more awesomeness

Not So InnocentInterracial Porn Video... Mixed Korean And White Christy Love Fucked By Rome Major - Cam WhoringThe Cam Whore Awards [2018 Edition] - InhumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Insane-gasmThis Lady Experiences Orgasms In The Best Worst Way Possible. - Hot & CurvySports Illustrated Has Done A Feature On Larger, Curvier Women And I Think You Need To See It. - Very OddThe Video Has Something To Do With Violence Against Women... But Because Its In Italian All I See Is A Chick Showing Her Cunt. Odd. Very Odd. - Light SlipLydia Bright Nip Slip In Black Lacey Dress - Funny ShitTime For Some Funny Pictures. Here's Phun's DCXCVII - Pin-Balled

DisrespectNothing Says 'Disrespect' Better Then Piss To The Face! - Face FuckedHey, That's No Way To Treat A Face... Too Bad Though! - Highly EroticAmateur Couple Paints Each Other And Fucks? Gotta Love The Hungarians! - It Hurts!!This Dude Just Fucked Up Anal For All The Dudes That Will Come After Him - Ripped Pussy"LOL I Ripped Your Pussy" - Fuuuuuuck!Kelly Brook In Lingerie For Valentines Day. D-A-M-N! - So. Many. Butt's.Phun's Bonus Butts #125 - Unlucky!Unexpected Tree Falls On A Guy Killing Him - Good SharerStraight Up Freak! This Blonde Babe Is Naughty As Fuck When The Cam Comes On!

Clam ChowderCheck her twat at the 1.55 mark. After no more than 15 seconds of diddling her clit, shit becomes the Niagra Falls of vaginal discharge. Camera dude says it's cum. I have 5 bucks and case of diet Mr. Pibb that says it's forgotten creampie from yesteryear. - Retro HotnessGerman Model Fee Variety Is Showing Off Her Fantastic Boobs In These Outtakes! Wow! - Cheeky NipBella Hadid Areola Slip On The Runway - It Goes InSkinny Amateur Girl Fucking Huge Bottles - Scam FailLOL: Insurance Scammer Gets Exactly What He Asked For - Sleep AssaultWife Fell Asleep With Her Mouth Open. What Did She Expect? - Vampire BJSomeone May Have Watched A Little Too Much True Blood In Her Time... But It Doesn't Change The Fact She Knows How To Suck A Dick. - Skiing NakedMarisa Papen Put Out Some Olympic Themed Shoot, You Know Snowboards And Skis And Naked Chicks... So Euro And Classy And Amazing. - Whaaaat!?Week In Crazy Shit: 2/11/2018

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says "What the hell is going on?" Olson says "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation". The chief says "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."
An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you favour the overthrow of the United States' government by force, subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he circled "Violence".
Being vegan is a huge missed steak.
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honourable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee".


Click for more awesomeness


Given 'LOVE' was on most people's minds yesterday, running this seemed appropriate. After all, who hasn’t got at least one good tale of an incredibly stupid/psycho/vindictive/cunty/pathetic ex? Read on...

-My ex somehow thought that taking her to a fancy dinner meant that I was going to propose to her. When it didn't happen, it lead to a downward spiral of cutting herself and at one point "attempting" to jump out of my car as I was driving. She also once pretended to faint during an argument. It was super awkward.

-One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister, and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep in the hotel's fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them. Oh yeah, she also thought when I talked to my sister on the phone, my tone of voice suggested that I was trying to seduce her into having phone sex.

-Told anybody that would listen that I beat her. When people asked why she stayed with me she said that the sex was good. She told everyone that I beat her. When I started dating someone new, the new woman's mother had even heard the rumour and told her daughter. It's been a decade and I am still mad about it. I never once laid a hand on her.

-My ex-girlfriend was a crazy Christian. I don't even know where to begin. Ok so she thought there was a "second spirit" named Shu Dragon living inside of her. (Along with several others like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc) She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach with a mace or something. When we passed by a closed down Wal-Mart she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there. And much more that I repressed. She was crazy, but what can I say. I was bored. Also I am now gay...

-Left a voicemail on my phone of her having sex with her new boyfriend.

-Crazy boyfriend here. She said I was a stalker, I was creepy, a psycho, paranoid, I needed therapy etc. for going through her phone. This was right after I found out she was sending nudes to a co-worker.

-Dated a guy toward the end of freshman college year. Went home for the summer, came back to find he had spent three or four months taking speed/meth/coke/other drugs. He went bat fucking shit crazy, evidently. Decided I was the only girl who would ever want to be with him. Intentionally popped holes in all his condoms. Knocked me up, and then proceeded to tell me how happy he was that this would keep us together "for life". Needless to say... it didn't.

-Called Child Protective Services on me, claiming I was abusing and neglecting my daughter. Let me tell you, it's pretty hurtful when someone shows up at your house accusing you or being a shitty dad. CPS saw how well I was doing with my daughter and how loving I was, so that case got thrown out. Now, my ex just got arrested for stabbing a guy in the arm and is insisting I help bail her out.

-Her boyfriend became increasingly clingy over a year, and she broke it off. He went berserk, stalked her and all this shit. Would constantly call and say he was going to kill himself if she hung up, blah blah blah. She eventually got him committed against his will with the help of his parents to a hospital. After his treatment, he came back (a year later) and started dating one of her friends at school. Everything was dandy and he seemed better. But I guess things got worse again and my friend tried warning her about how crazy he had been. One night he called my friend telling her to come over or he would kill himself. Apparently he had started doing this stuff to the new girlfriend as well. Well, my friend refused to go. He killed his current girlfriend that night - stabbed her to death with a broken mirror. And it happened a couple doors down from where my friend was. If she had gone that night, it might have been both of them.

-She cut off contact with our 3-year-old daughter. She's a developmentally challenged child who loves her mom but she doesn't even take the time to call her or stop by to say hi to her. She lives less than 30 minutes away. The last time she said she would watch her, I intentionally didn't tell my daughter till we were walking out the door that we were going to see Mommy (didn't want to get her hopes up). About 10 minutes into the drive, she calls and says she won't be able to watch her. My daughter doesn't understand most things so I just stopped at an ice cream parlor nearby hoping she would forget about seeing mommy. I could tell she was crushed. Didn't eat a bite. When we got back to the house she went straight to her room and went to bed. She's usually the most bubbly person on the planet but she couldn't even handle her Mom ditching her. I end up being the one getting blamed in her mind. She stole thousands of dollars, ruined my professional and personal life and ruined our family financially and I could care less about any of it. But if you treat my daughter like a dog, there is nothing that is going to dissipate my anger.

-My ex cheated on me for about 6 months without me knowing. We were in bed one night and she rolled over and said get out. I was in shock and had no idea what to do so I left. We had joint everything. She cancelled my phone, took all the money I saved out of my accounts, kept my dog that I tried incredibly hard to get back but most of all she told her friends, my friends, her family and my family all over social media that I choked her and beat her and she left to save her own life. She even posted pictures of cuts and bruises she got from a car accident online saying they were from me. Her car got broken into at a mall and her stuff was stolen and she told the police it was me. After I proved to the police I was working they quickly looked the other way. After at least a year of trying to clear my name I met the guy who she cheated on me with. At first I wanted to tear his face off but after he bought me drinks I found out she did the same exact thing to him.

-Called me and told me we need to speak, right now. Uh oh. So I dropped what I was doing and came over, and she dropped a bombshell on me: She was pregnant. Then, after the most stressful half hour of my life, she told me she wasn't actually pregnant and just wanted to see what I would do if she was. I nope'd out of that relationship immediately, by which I mean I continued seeing her for another month, because sticking your dick in crazy is still fun.

-Ignoring me when all I want is closure so I can move on has made me freak out in a past relationship. For God's sake just tell me you're done with me. Why do you think it is ok to ghost as a way of ending a relationship? Most women prefer hurtful truth over always wondering. Not having closure makes it take much longer to buck up and move on.

-When I broke up with my ex she started trying to befriend a girl I liked, and wanted to ask out (and did, and got a yes from). One day she invited my new GF over and there was a big montage of pictures of my face on the wall that apparently stayed up for another 18 months, 12 of which she had a BF for.

Obviously this stuff is and moreish which is why I've linked the previous parts in the Orsm archives. Get at them here, here, here and here.



Previously on Orsm: SEX SELFIES #2 - SEX SELFIES #1 - MORE >

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies "Hey, that's a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave".

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied "Oh that's a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars".

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?" The student replies "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it'".


Click for more awesomeness

A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery.

The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied "No problem. I'm sick of talking".

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said "Food cold". The abbot sent him on his way.

Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said "Bed hard" and was sent back to work.

Another ten years went by, and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words.

The man nodded and said "I quit".

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here".



Previously on Orsm: BOTTOMLESS #3 - BOTTOMLESS #2 - BOTTOMLESS #1 - MORE >

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness



-I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

-When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

-Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

-America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

-You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

-Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

-My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

-I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

-Money talks... but all mine ever says is goodbye.

-You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

-If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

-I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out?"

-I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named 'Sag Harbor'.

-My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

-My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

-Denny's has a slogan "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us". If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

-The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

-The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

-I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

-Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

-There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.

-I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Click for more awesomeness


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?" "I am your genie" the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish" answers the man "Is to remember everything about who I am".

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?" asks the man. The genie replies "That was your first wish".



HOT GIRLS TANNING previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am" he said "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain" Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed "I've been expecting you". "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"

After a moment she asked, blushing "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there".

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results".

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that".

"Don't I know it" said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus" he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with".

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes" the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in"

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away".

"Tripod?" she queried, nearly fainting. "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long".


RANDOM SHITE 2018 02 15

OLDER SHITE: 8th February - 1st February - 25th January - 18th Janaury - 11th January - 4th January - MORE >

Click for more awesomeness

During a physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical - I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. Ran away from an irate mother bear, and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine".

Amazed by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No" the woman replied "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".



PIERCED NIPPLES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A young girl started work in the chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to people. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 110, which is a small, a 120, which is a medium, or a 130 which is a large. The word condom won't even be used EVER!"

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "150".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said "He's got a big one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him $150... he's the window cleaner!"




This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities" she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks "Do you know what I am doing now?" she replies "Yes, checking for cancer".

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes" she replies "getting herpes - that's why I'm here!"


I still seem to have fooled a tonne of people with the whole unintentional "This is the last Orsm update ever" joke come prank from a couple of weeks back. If only people scrolled a tiny bit further they'd/you'd have seen where I wrote "... for January 2018" and then a week later "... for 1st February 2018". Got shiiiiitloads of messages from people wishing me well in future and whatnot. Also have to wonder how many people read it and are never coming back. In some ways this is up there with the 2004 April Fools update when I announced Orsm was going subscription based. A few hundred abusive emails [and 14 years] later not much has changed.

Thrills. I get them in cheap ways.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They won't tongue your butthole but its the next best thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless YOU die... then this is the last one you'll see.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will feed you a high dose of laxatives and sleeping tablets.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop listening to what I tell you to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.