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orsmupdate 2017.12.07-20.00

Welcome to I just remembered I have a photographic memory.

Let's not write a lengthy blog section this week and everyone pretend I did okay? Okay. After all, this is an update that definitely doesn't and won't and can't and shan't... nay it *CANNOT*... disappoint. Check it...


Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held". "Well" the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination".
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She told me "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right". I replied "Hell, if I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you".
Also known as "women's intuition" this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces... that, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.
One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with Little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale" just keep on driving. They usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.
An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date" she warned "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, mum" asked the girl "How do you make it last an hour?"
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbours.
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami" says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends". Sophie replies "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too".
An older couple, Esther and Morris are playing in the Aleph Annual Golf Club Championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which Esther has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and misses. They lose the match. On the way home in the car, the husband, Morris is fuming "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my pecker!" The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!"
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered "Insanity". The D.A. said "All twelve of you?"

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A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem" the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex" said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch". "Oh no, Doctor" the man said nervously "I'm not allowed up on the furniture".
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and five children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife" the husband whispers "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father". The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other four".
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualisation, association - it has made a big difference for me". "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
The only thing we don't have a God for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that that's coming quickly.


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A rather frustrated woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight t-shirt and trousers.

She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark, the lady finally lost control.

She placed her hand on the young man's bum and said "I have an itchy pussy". To which the young man replied "You'll have to show me where it is ma'am, 'cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me".



Previously on Orsm: BRIDES #5 - BRIDES #4 - BRIDES #3 - BRIDES #2 - BRIDES #1 - MORE >>

A man called home. "Honey, the boss is coming over for dinner tonight, and I want to impress him so I can get a raise. He loves rare prime rib, peas with little white onions, and baked potatoes".

She rushed to the grocery and bought a lovely prime rib, peas and little white onions, but couldn't find any potatoes. She asked the produce man, who told her "I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of potatoes. We'll have some tomorrow".

"But you MUST have potatoes". "No, Ma'am. I told you - we're all out".

"Don't you have some hidden in the back room?"

The produce guy grew irritated. "Ma'am, if you take the 'pot' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "A toes?"

"Yep. And if you take the 'toes' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "Po-ta?"

Yes. And if you take the 'fuck' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "What? There ain't no 'fuck' in potatoes!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"


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A man was about to enter a bar when a dog approached him "Hey, mister! Wanna make some money?"

The man couldn't believe it, a talking dog! He asked the dog "Are you really talking?" "Yeah" the dog answered "so take me into the bar, pretend I'm your dog and bet everybody I can talk".

So the man took the dog into the bar, announced that his dog could talk, and sure enough, no one believed him. So bets were placed and when there was enough money on the table, the man ordered the dog to speak.


He screamed at the dog "Hey! I've bet $4,000 dollars! Say SOMETHING!"

The dog just sat there and wagged his tail.

The man was forced to pay all the bets, and left the bar full of laughing customers.

Once outside, he grabbed the dog. "Damn you! You cost me a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The dog answered. "Because when we come back to bet tomorrow, we'll get ten-to-one!"




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-Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Do twins realise that one of them is unplanned?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
-How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work?
-What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
-Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
-If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
-At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?
-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
-Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
-The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
-Why are there no 'B' batteries?
-If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
-Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
-Why did God give men nipples?
-Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
-If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
-If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-If you are bald, what hair colour do they put on your driver's license?
-Why call it a building if it's already been built?
-Is grass really greener on the other side?
-Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
-If God sneezes, what should you say?
-Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
-If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
-If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
-If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
-What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Which letter is silent in the word 'scent' the S or the C?
-If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
-Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-The word 'swims' upside-down is still 'swims'.
-If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?
-Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Can you daydream at night?
-Why do they call the little candy bars fun sizes. Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?
-Why do we call it 'taking' a dump, when we leave something behind?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-What is Satan's last name?
-Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?
-If you replace 'W' with 'T' in 'What, Where and When' you get the answer to each of them.
-What is a picture of a thousand words worth?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
-Why does quicksand work slowly?
-Can crop circles be square?
-If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
-If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
-Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as you're following the direction of the traffic?
-Is there another word for thesaurus?
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
-After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
-Can animals commit suicide?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
-If glassblowers inhale do they get a pane in the stomach?
-Why aren't curtains double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
-Is a pessimist's blood type B-negative?
-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
-Why is it that when we 'skate on thin ice' we can 'get in hot water'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does grape flavour smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it?
-Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?
-Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
-Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-Can a short person talk down to a taller person?
-If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hair net?

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A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York; "Hi! Where y'all from?" The woman from New York replies "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."

So the woman from Texas says "Fine! Where y'all from, BITCH?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry suggestive voice) "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome?"

"Welllll" replies the Texan "I sure could use a piece of ass". The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and makes mad passionate love with him.

After they're done, she again says suggestively "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?" "Well, ma'am" he replies "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink".


Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red.

The man pulled over, and the red man asked "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?"

The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green.

He stopped and the guy in green said "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?"

Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway

Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway? What do you want?"

"License and Registration please" came the reply.



Previously on Orsm: SURFERS #2 - SURFERS #1 - MORE >>

A man is sitting in a saloon in Paso Robles, California and was far from home when Donald Trump came on TV. The man looked at the TV and said "Trump is a horse's ass".

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.

The man got back up, rubbed his cheek and ordered another beer. Shortly after, Melania Trump appears on the TV. The man looked at the TV and said "She's a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

The man gets back up and looks at the bartender "I take it this is Trump country?" "Nope, replies the bartender "Horse country".


RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 07

OLDER SHITE: 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - 9th November - 2nd November - MORE >

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A lady goes on a vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man. One thing inevitably leads to another aaaaaand... after a night of passionate love making, she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they met and every night, she would ask him what his name was and he would always respond the same - he can't tell her.

On her last night, there she asked him again "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me". says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.

"Fine! My name is Snow!" the black man replies.

The lady burst into laughter and the black man got mad and said "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied "I'm not making fun of your name.

I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica".



Previously on Orsm: SINGLETS #2 - SINGLETS #1 - MORE >>

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"






-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If nothing else check out November's archive - it is huge and awesome [like my penis].
-Next update will be next Thursday. SECOND LAST FOR THE YEAR WOOOOOO!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my fat friend Ray will have something to say about that. Don't worry, we don't call him that to be mean. Ray is so fat that he had a dentist fit extra teeth in his mouth so he can eat faster.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rethink your 80th nugget - surely 79 is enough? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.