Welcome to tight butthole.
It's been a bumpy couple of weeks. This isn't a bitch session or a woe is me or any of that but I do feel like complaining about how tough my luck is...
It started early last week. My neck was still sore as fuck from whatever happened to it. Slept funny or drugged, punched and kicked by a preg and hormonal GF. Impossible to rule one of the other out but life goes on. Then on the Tuesday, a gastro poop/spew virus attacked. Nine times out of ten when I get these it's just poop but this one was all powerful and provided a thorough cleanout plus deletion of a couple of kilograms. It all but cleared up by Wednesday however the butthole clenching wasn't over - it reappeared for a vigorous second round Thursday morning and persisted well into the evening.
If the pain of a sore neck, shitting, and vomiting weren't wearing thin, I was booked on Friday for a gastroscopy. That's the one where they stick a tiny camera down your throat to look at your stomach and oesophagus. And why? Remember not long ago I was crapping on about my breathing being fuckered for a quite a while now? That. I was convinced it's a reaction to dairy products however my doctor had other ideas - could be a hernia or this or blah blah. Basically she got in my head and wouldn't it be stupid not to rule everything out...
SO... Friday... I follow the instructions about not eating (wasn't a problem because thanks gastro) and roll up to the hospital almost an hour early to begin crapping myself in preparation for going under a general anaesthetic. Only ever had one once and that was NOT enjoyable. Cannot bear the thought of not being in control of my own shit. Ahh control freaks.
Annnnyway I check in, get weighed, change into a gown thingy, am plonked in a bed, run through my medical history, confirm I've only had water and... "Oh you've had water?" "Yes. Just a little bit. I'm dehydrated after pooping up to40 times yesterday". The nurse goes to check with the anaesthetist who bumps me to last on the list because fasting for 6 hours means fasting for 6 hours! That INCLUDES water. Fucking fuck.
I end up sitting in a bed for almost 4 hours. Waiting, not particularly enjoying the anxiety a control freak facing unconsciousness may subject them self to. Finally though my turn came. They wheel me in and attempt some small talk while I sit there quietly panicking, knowing this is how it all ends. "Roll over please. You may start feeling slee...."
Next thing, back in recovery. "Sir, wakeup!" Immediately I'm awake and alert and asking the nurse if I can go now. Umm nope. Explain I feel fine and am ready to bail. Nope. Eventually negotiate her down from an hour to half an hour. Then the doctor appears and tells me the gastroscopy all went well - didn't find anything and all is as it should be down there. "Oh by the way you woke up a couple of times during the procedure and tried to pull out the scope". "Whoa serious?" "We just gave you more drugs". Thankfully don't remember a thing but can only imagine it looked something like that scene from The Island (2005) where the hulking black dude runs through the hospital with all the tubes attached. Also, happy that my reflex is to try and pull things out of my throat that aren't supposed to go down there. Good to know in case I'm ever date raped... by a dude.
I legged it as soon as Nurse Grumpy 'permitted' me. For future reference: they don't like it but can't stop you leaving if and when you choose to. And they'll only call the cops if you try and drive post-anaesthetic. Probably not unreasonable.
After being more or less non-functional Friday afternoon, I wanted to make the most of Saturday. Got busy early doing a bunch of stuff around the house. Mowed the lawn and kept moving outside all day. At some point however there was a twinge in my lower back. An unpleasant one. Decided to just power through it because 1) I'm no namby-pamby girly man 2) It gives me something to blog about. Both these reasons, it turns out, were bad. Saturday night through to now have been some of the most severe pain I've experienced in many years. Apparently a bad reaction to the anaesthetic.
And there you have it. Bit of a horror show! Speaking of which... when I was too young, my older cousin was babysitting us. What better time to introduce a kid to Children of the Corn (1984) right? The meat slicer scene gave me nightmares for a very long time. Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) did the same. Honourable mention for Poltergeist (1982). Basically any horror film where kids are tormented by some sort of insane higher power has been a touchy subject ever since. Then I watched the trailer to the remake of Stephen King's IT and all that shit came flooding back. Check it if you love a good horror mindfuck! Meanwhile I'll be trying to nt fall asleep.
Alright let's update. Check it...
Terrifying!Stephen King’s IT Remake Trailer Just Dropped And It’s Ready To Fuck Up A Whole New Generation - Feral CuntsDid This Family Overreact? Tourists Destroy Hotel Elevator After Kids Get Stuck - Butt GlitterButt Glitter Is The Hottest New Trend On Instagram And Will Soon Be Festival Fanny Fashion Wear - Aussie LulzAussie Bloke's Naughty Joke About Cyclone Debbie Hitting Town Of Bowen - Looks Great!Netflix’s Live-Action Death Note Movie Trailer Drops – Teases Horror, Death, And Willem Dafoe - Creep ModeTwo Hot Ladies Were Grinding On Each Other Until Some Creep Ruined The Moment - Go Big!!If You're Gonna Go, GO BIG! - IdioticDo You Think This Woman Deserved $20,000 After Police Tased Her During Arrest? - Porn AlienAss Effect: A XXX Parody With Rachel Starr As One Of Those Sexy Blue Aliens! - Mariah TitsMariah Carey Nipples Though See Through Black Top
Dirty BitchFreaky Jeopardy Contestant Accidentally Exposes Her Dirty Mind On Live TV - Hot/SexyHot And Sexy Girls With Hot And Sexy Butts #79 - Eminem's KidHer Name Is Hailie Scott, She Is Eminem’s Pre Fame Daughter Who Played A Character In His Music While He Was Ripping Her Hooker/Stripper Mother Apart, All In Efforts To Be The Most Accessible Rapper To Demented White Trash Who Like Beating Their Wives... - Beaner BangSo, This Is How Mexicans Lose Their Virginity? - WhackedMan Is Assassinated On The Street Standing Right Next To Young Girl Carrying Her Backpack - In The Vaj!Right In The Vagina! - Hawt TeenLet Me Flash You My Cute Little White Cotton Panties - Buttends - OrgasmicGirlfriend Jerks Him With Lube - Pic DumpPhun's Funny Pictures #224
Nu-uhhh!!Awesome Employee Refuses To Let Shoplifting Thug Get Away - Tiny TeensNever Seen A Girl With Such A Tight Wat Grin From Ear To Ear While Getting Stretched Out That Hard. - ButtsexAnal Sex With Euro Schoolgirl With Cumshot - ThreesomeThis Sexy Slut And Her Whore Of A Friend A Attempt To Manhandle This Dudes Fat Cock And Get The Business And Of A Full-Blown Facial. - Nude ModelCharlotte Carey Showing Her Tits And Nipples And Bush On Her Own. She May Only Have 33k Followers ATM But She Knows With Her Willingness To Get Nude She Will Hit 100k! - "Docking"Lesbian Docking... Is A Thing Now? - ShockingFather Assassinated In Front Of His Kids - VaporisedWatch This Group Of People Being Vaporised By A Missile - Sweet TitsArianny Celeste Caught Topless On The Beach - Falling OUTDemi Rose Celebrating Her Birthday In A Skimpy Dress
A women is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars. The judge asked "First offender?" She replied "No, first a Gibson then a Fender".
There's a group of mates who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it". At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out altogether!"
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well" said the wife "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.
So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.
As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.
He eventually wakes up and looks around and realises he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.
Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.
So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't too bad.
One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come upon a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever ventured, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.
So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.
Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman is a distant memory and he suddenly feels desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING! Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.
He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.
He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realises if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.
He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!
So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.
One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.
He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says "You have saved me... cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you... I would do anything for you... (she holds his gaze)... anything..."
The guy looks into her eyes and says... "Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."
BEACH VAGINA previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde haired girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says "Excuse me Miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure" she says "have a seat".
The man sits down and they get to talking.
"You know" the man says "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed". "REALLY?!?!" the girl says "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my place and get a little kinky?" So they finish their drinks and leave.
When they get to the girls house, she says "Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little kinkier". She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door.
She says "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!" He says "Jesus lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?"
One morning, a young nun woke up, got out of bed, and dressed for the day ahead. She then left her room and headed downstairs for breakfast.
As she walked down a corridor, she passed two older nuns, one of whom said "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning".
The two older nuns then walked away giggling. The young nun was puzzled by this, but shrugged it off and carried on.
She then passed another older nun who also said "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning". before walking away giggling.
As the young nun continued to make her way down to the dinner hall, she kept on passing her fellow sisters, all of whom made the same "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning" comment and walked away laughing.
By the time the young nun got to the dinner hall she was so livid she bumped into the Mother Superior in the doorway.
The Mother Superior was just about to open her mouth to say something before the younger nun cut in, saying "Don't tell me, 'I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning' right?"
The Mother Superior shrugged and then said "I wasn't going to say that. I was going to ask, what are you doing with the Bishop's shoes on...?"
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ORSM VIDEO: PARENTING EDITION
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well let's just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.
But Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help".
Larry said "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot".
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off.
You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven.
He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings".
St. Peter looked at him and said "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco".
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So a rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending a conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they've got a little poker game going - only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town's strict anti-gambling laws.
So they're hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody's kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.
"Look" he says "just tell me you weren't gambling, and I'll let you go".
"Well" says the priest "gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative..." and so on.
"Fine" says the judge "You can go".
The minister steps up. "It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really..." and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.
"Well?" asks the judge. "Rabbi, were you gambling?"
The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. "Gambling? With who?"
Previously on Orsm: DOWNBLOUSE #4 - DOWNBLOUSE #3 - DOWNBLOUSE #2 - DOWNBLOUSE #1
One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks". "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white".
She takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks". She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks". Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that orange one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250".
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo, and a 2 litre of Fanta for $250!"
OLDER SHITE: 23rd March - 16th March - 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Guy goes to see the doctor with a sore dick.
The doctor does some tests and looks grim. "I'm afraid it's Guinea Plague" he says "I'll have to amputate".
"No!" says the patient "I want a second opinion!" "That's your right" says the doc "but you need to deal with this immediately".
The patient goes to another doctor, who tells him the same thing. Desperate, the patient then goes to an alternative medicine practitioner.
"Hmmm, looks like Guinea Plague" says the alternative doc "I recommend a holistic blend of herbs and essential oils, along with some deep meditation".
"So, you won't need to amputate?" asks the patient. "Goodness me no" says the alternative doctor. "Wait three weeks and it'll fall off by itself!"
Previously on Orsm: PARTY GIRLS #1
Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. "Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the marriage counsellor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"
PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: KARINA - STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE - ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no flat chicks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.