Welcome to Orsm.net. Something witty or that makes you think goes here.
In the grand scheme of things, todays update is a gigantic accomplishment... in that it actually happened. No way could there have been more obstacles to sticking it all together even if a higher power did like me. Monday feels like an eternity ago. Not even sure what I got up to but vaguely remember having to go out that afternoon. A quick trip which shouldn't have taken more than an hour on Tuesday turned into a four hour ordeal I've sworn to never again speak of and same shit Wednesday - thanks to a motherfucking water heater pilot light, some stupid bitch at the post office who clearly believed she was a god and various other demands by various other people. And while this is happening there's a million questions firing at me. Everyone needs an answer on something. More "Can you come/go and do X for me?" or "You need to have X sorted ASAP" as opposed to "Would you like a shoulder massage?" Another significant challenge is trying to stay illness-free whilst the GF writhes around in bed, off work, battling a chest infection and asthma. The only surprising thing is that I'm not exhausted.
Admittedly these are probably all sounding a bit like first world problems and that's probably because they are. If you could ask someone who lost everything they owned in the Oklahoma tornado, the soldier who was callously butchered in London by those Muslim fucktards, anyone who works at Ford Australia or even the people who were accidentally served caustic soda instead of salt on their fast food orders this week, what they think of some dumb fuck who is feeling a little overworked and overstressed you would most likely get some interesting answers that put things in perspective. How about I just STFU because shit could be worse...
Moving on. A while back the GF touted an idea. I kind of brushed it off because it wasn't really my thing. What was it? Personal training. Basically you pay a guy to meet you in a park and torture you for an hour. I protested on the grounds you can get that for free on any given night in Perth's eastern suburbs but alas that's how Saturday began - 8am on a very wet school oval where I experienced [read: was subjected to] burpees, squats, boxing and other stuff I was too fatigued to retain. All completely new to me and as utterly destroying as it was, I felt great afterward. Little sore though which was good because a chiro visit followed. Was also the GF's birthday weekend which meant numerous social activities were planned; the first of which was some motherfucking eggs at my favourite café. Next we headed for the city and find new shoes. The current pair had almost worn through to my socks so overdue for replacement. Amazingly we were done in 15 minutes - a new record. Normally it's a struggle to find anything I like or if I do they don't have my size etc. From there it was home to relax for a few. Quite well timed in that my body was starting to pay for the personal training. That night - out for tapas which was awesome. Set price and unlimited dishes. All the training was undone in a single meal but not a single fuck was given.
As expected I woke up [ridiculously] sore on Sunday however it was at an unprecedented level. Muscles I later found out have names like abs, quads, lats and triceps were in a world or hurt. Apparently the best way to remedy is exercise through it so drove down to the coast for a walk. Safe to say it didn't help a single thing. Next up was dim sum with friends and fam. Took along my just arrived Blair's Death Sauce to see just how tough the other big-talking "I love chili" attendees actually were. Suffice to say I walked away victorious... and with burning and swollen lips. All worth it though.
Managed to squeeze in a few hours working after we got home interspersed with friends dropping by to say g'day before heading over to see some other friends for birthday cake. The afternoon was eventually interrupted for an airport run - half an hour drive to the parents, load them up and then out to the airport. Next trick was to swing by mother dearests to setup a fax machine and TV because they absolutely HAD to be done that day. Of course they did...
Despite whatever I mentioned above about Monday, it will always be remembered as the most pain you can be in. Well that might not be true. Having your testicles sliced open would be worse but imagine you're a straight guy who gets raped by a guy with a huge schlong. Then imagine your body is your asshole after that rape. Failing that, imagine being hit by a car. Welcome to my world. Any movement in any direction inflicted excruciation and an obligatory '"urrrrggghhhh". Definitely made worse by trying not to engage the sorest muscles and instead compensating with others... then they hurt too. Anyway due to a bunch of reasons and excuses the next training session is a few weeks away so will have to go through all of this again. Expect some whingy, whiny words about it.
"Orright stop speaking Orsm you dick. No one cares!"... said everyone. Good advice so why don't we get on with the update which almost never was. Check it or don't. Do what you like but after that - check it...
Old School - Everyone Matters - Scary In POV - My Porn's Gone - Did U Spot It? - Wow Just Wow - Vaj Slip - Official Ho
WTFing Japs - It Hurts! - Best GF Ever - Call The Police - Sorry Mate! - Family Fun - Too Creepy - Fascinating
Drug Fukd - Unfknblvbl Ass - Big Bada Boom - Game OVER - Fire Angel - In Your Face - Cleavage - So So Gross
What's the difference between regular blood and period blood? You can't eat regular blood with a fork.
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".
I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque. I was really enjoying myself until the bloody rifle jammed!
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him "You dumb shit, get a hearing aid! You're supposed to turn your CLOCK back!"
During sex my girlfriend suffers from temporary paralysis from the waist down. Whenever I put my dick in her she never feels a thing. So I decided we should got to a doctor. Reluctantly my girlfriend agreed, and came along with me. The doctor asked her "Do you know if this runs in the family?" My girlfriend replied. "I don't think so. It never happens when I'm with his brothers or his friends".
TALES OF CUSTOMER SERVICE FAILS
-When I was 18 years old, my mother died of lung cancer. She had clothes that she had purchased during her illness that she'd never even taken the tags off to wear. My father asked me to return the clothes to where she bought them from. I did not have the receipts. The cashier was very rude in the way that she was asking me "Why can't you just get the receipts from your mum to get the credit?" I then told her that she had just died and she proceeded to look into my face and say "Well, you don't look too sad about it".
-A few years ago, a friend and I were shopping at the mall. We decided to go into Victoria's Secret to browse. I was overweight at the time. I had seen a really nice bra and panty set and I said to my friend "They shouldn't be so discriminatory. They should make this in our size". I then heard the manager tell us "Maybe if you lose some weight we would have things that fit you". That was the last time I was in a Victoria's Secret.
-Last year I went to Books-A-Million to buy a children's book for a grandchild. I went to the customer service podium in the centre of the store and gave the title to a clerk and asked where to find it. She waved her arm in the direction of the children's book section and said "Over there". As I walked away, I heard her turn to her co-worker and say in an aggravated] tone "She didn't even TRY to find it on her own".
-I set my stuff on the counter to pay. The cashier had to go check a price. She returned with a manager, who was obviously having a bad day and I was told that I could not buy five of the things. I wanted to know why not. She said "I can't sell you these". She said that until corporate faxed the prices none of them could be sold. I asked why they were out and she responded "Our shipment came in yesterday". I said "I know they will be gone the next time I come in" and she said "I don't know what to tell you. I cannot sell them to you".
-I had a problem with a new piece of electronic equipment and called for assistance. The first technician I talked with insisted that there was nothing wrong with his company's equipment, that it must be my fault. When I explained that everything in the network had worked perfectly until I powered the new item up, he laughed at me. When I asked to talk to his supervisor, he responded with the infamous two letter expletive and hung up. I called back and spoke with a different tech who was able to resolve the problem in a matter of minutes and who then asked his supervisor to join us on the line. When I told the supervisor of my earlier experience, she asked me to give her one day so she could resolve the problem. She called back in less than fifteen minutes to tell me that she and the call centre manager had reviewed the tape of the call, fired the original technician and promoted the second one to a customer service training position.
-I was trying to get some information from the local cable company, Comcast, about my bill. I couldn't understand the different groupings of channels which had no explanation just names like Extended Package. She couldn't explain it and kept getting the same channels in different groupings. I said, very politely "I don't understand your explanation, is there someone else who can explain it to me so I will understand it". She replied "You're stupid". Then she hung up.
-In our large grocery store, I asked about the cinnamon buns that were in the sample dome. The employee I asked said that they were very fattening and I could do with losing some weight!
-I explained to a DELL rep that I had 12 new laptops that would not power on no matter what I did. His answer to me was "What do you want me to do about it?" I said "Excuse me?" He clarified by saying "If they don't power on I can't trouble shoot them and if they aren't powering on it has to be something you did to them that made them not work".
"You will have to go online to and fix this". I replied "Seriously? I am talking to customer service - a real live human being and you can't do a thing for me? "Yes ma'am, you need to go online to do this". So I asked her "What, exactly, do you do?" Silence.
-Big UK-based insurance company: "It's not our fault that you have this problem - it's yours".
-I'm still fuming from my experience with Travelocity/ABC Airline this morning. Woke up sick as a dog, needing to catch a flight at 7:00. I've probably booked one hundred flights with Travelocity and I have always paid the $20 insurance if changes ever come up, including unexpected illness. I have never actually used this insurance but was happy to have it until I was told from ABC Airline "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". And, then again from Travelocity "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". Lesson learned. Don't buy Travelocity's insurance. Or, better yet, avoid Travelocity.
-A pharmacy customer service rep refused to authorise one of my meds. When I told her I had been waiting 2 weeks and explained the effects of not having them, she said "Maybe you should see a doctor about these new symptoms".
-My father passed away. I called a credit card company to cancel his account. I said "My name is Debra. My father Pat passed away and I am the Executor of the Estate. I am calling to cancel his account". The service rep replied "Well, I need to talk to Pat". I said "Listen very carefully. He's DEAD - now if you want to talk to him, you'll have to figure out how to. GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!" The supervisor got on the phone and I said "Do you have a connection with God?" She cracked up laughing - she had heard about the conversation.
-I called HP customer service about a new printer that wouldn't interface with my Mac, even though the company swore it would easily work. After hours of being on hold and being told that I had obviously done something wrong or just couldn't understand, the rep told me "Yeah, really not my problem, lady". So I went to Apple. They figured out the problem - and were nice.
-I was checking out at Wal-Mart, with my elderly mum and small kids in tow. A pair of $8 shoes I was buying rang up for $10. I questioned the clerk on the price at which time she said "No they rang up for $10. You can go back there and check it yourself". I wasn't about to do that, so I just settled up for the $10. Got home and pulled the shoes out of the box and guess what. The actual price tag on the shoes said $8! Next day I went back to customer service and happened to be waited on by the same clerk at which time she said "That wasn't my fault - it was the cash register. I can't help you". I had to find the store manager to get the issue resolved. He not only gave me all my money back, but he let me keep the shoes.
-I was hosting a party for 150 people and needed catering prices 7 weeks prior to party to review bids, select caterer and determine another venue. I had a drop-dead due date and explained that. When I contacted the caterer for prices because they hadn't contacted me by the morning of the due date, my main contact was on vacation and left no information. I was fuming. Obviously, they did not get my business. When I finally reached the caterer to determine how they could have made such an error he said "I decided you didn't need it by your due date". I was appalled.
-I lost my cable service for 3 days. Apparently, it was a system wide failure and thousands of customers were affected. During the course of my conversation, I said something like "Please just credit me for 3 days worth of service". The rep said "We can't do that. Do you know how much it would cost us if we credited everyone for the past three days?"
-I was speaking with a customer service representative about a problem I was having. I said "I know it's not your fault". She said "That's right. It's not my fault". She is the representative of a company. She should accept responsibility even if it's not her personal fault!
-There was a charge on my Citibank MasterCard from a vendor who renewed my $400 membership without asking me. I spoke with the vendor and he agreed to send a credit into the credit card company for the charge. Since the credit card bill was due in 15 days, I called the credit card company to ensure that I wouldn't have to pay $400 up front only to have it credited back later. The CSR who answered the phone went into a typical long drawn out scripted answer. I asked to speak with a supervisor and after waiting on hold, the supervisor started another scripted answer. I said "I am a busy person and I just need a simple direct answer". He replied "I am sorry you called when you were busy. We are open 24 hours a day". I stopped using that card.
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate "I feel fine".
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well," said the pirate "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
The bartender replied "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh" said the pirate "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit". "It was my first day with the hook".
The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Enterologists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said "This puts a whole new face on the matter."..
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Canberra.
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town it was a sure thing that their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?" The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble now. They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father! Good Morning, Father!" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said "Good morning, Father! Good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute, young lady". "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied "Father it's me - Sister Kathleen!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running"...
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A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The devil says "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks.
"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.
"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.
"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."
The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.
Finally he manages to say, "Okay where's that girl with the sore tooth...?"
GROANER OF THE DAY
An unemployed idiot saw a 'Help Wanted' sign outside a large convention centre. He went in and applied for the job.
"We have a major business convention tomorrow - some of the most important executives in the world will be coming! I need someone who will take care of security, check the invitations, give directions, etc. You will stand at the front door. Can you do it?" said the manager. "Oh, yes sir!" said the excited idiot.
The following night the manager gave final instructions. "This is a job description and a list of your duties! You need to be paying attention! I need your full cooperation! You have to do this job correctly! I have put these directions on this paper!" he said, handing it to the idiot. "Remember! The guests remain on the convention floor! ON THE FLOOR! We don't want them wandering around the rest of the building! The rest of the centre is being used! And keep things clean! Be careful! And you are security! So keep order! Do what you have to to KEEP ORDER!" "Yes, sir!" said the idiot enthusiastically.
An hour later, the convention was going well and the manager was greeting the executives. Then he heard something strange. He went outside and his mouth dropped open in shock. There he saw a very distinguished middle-aged gentleman, an impeccably dressed and dignified business executive in a $3,000 navy blue pinstriped business suit, carefully knotted red silk tie and matching pocket square, starched white shirt, hundred dollar haircut and silver cufflinks.
However, the corporate executive was barefoot! In addition, he was down on all fours and cleaning the floor with a scrub brush on his hands and knees!
The idiot, now the security guard and greeter, was yelling orders. In one hand he held a pair of highly polished Italian leather loafers. In the other he held a pair of black silk business socks.
"Please! This is a Savile Row suit! It's getting wet!" begged the executive. "And when can I put my shoes and socks back on?" "No questions and get to work! You'll get your fancy shoes back when I tell you and not before!" snapped the idiot as he slapped the soles of the executive's bare feet. The executive shuddered and kept scrubbing, carefully keeping his tie out of the water.
The manager ran over to the businessman and helped him up. The executive's face was beet red with anger and humiliation.
"You will be sued! This is an outrage! He pushed me down and pulled these right off my feet! Give me those! He told me to start scrubbing or he would use his gun!" yelled the executive, and he grabbed his shiny expensive shoes and socks from the idiot.
"What are you doing?!" shouted the manager to the idiot, in shock. "How dare you?!" "But I'm just following directions, sir! You said 'Keep things clean! Keep order!'" The manager pulled at his hair with both hands. "You don't even have a gun!" The idiot grinned. "Yeah, but it sure scares them when I say I do!"
The manager screamed "He is one of the leading financiers in the country! He was barefoot on all fours in his Savile Row suit!" The idiot said "But it says right here 'Keep guests on the floor at all times! No exceptions!'"
The manager groaned. "But what about his shoes? Why did you take them away from him? Are you crazy? "Are you INSANE!?" "Oh, no, sir! I'm an idiot!!" said the idiot proudly. The manager tried to calm down. "But why did you force him to take off his shoes and socks? Why? Why?!" The idiot pointed at his job description. "Work hard! Absolutely no loafers will be tolerated!'"
Then the stunned manager saw another pair of polished executive loafers on the floor - but no one was wearing them. "Don't tell me... someone else?!" sputtered the manager.
The idiot cheerfully pointed up. A few feet above was another very well-dressed business executive in another expensive suit and tie. He was tied to a ceiling lamp fixture, which had been hooked up under the jacket of his Brooks Brothers pinstriped suit and attached to his suspenders. His bare toes dangled just above their heads. His face was furious with rage and embarrassment, but he couldn't speak because his silk socks were in his mouth. He was struggling furiously.
The manager was now in such shock he couldn't speak. He just pointed. The idiot grinned and slapped the bare feet of the businessman, who spun around and flailed helplessly.
"This one put up a big fight, and wouldn't take his shoes off! So I finally had to do it myself and then stuff his socks in his mouth. It says right here 'Maintain a quiet and orderly atmosphere!'"
"But why... why did you put him up there?" the manager forced out in a whisper. "Sir, it says right here! 'Anyone who makes trouble will be immediately suspended!'"
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A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek". The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
These two guys had both just gone through ugly divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble". The trader said "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year". "Okay" they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board!"
Can hardly believe we made it but won't crap on again about how much of a miracle it was this update came together on time. Definitely wouldn’t want to take any opportunity to point out just how good I am at this shit either. That wouldn’t be cool. Seriously though I can see exactly the same shit happening all over again next week so whilst you don’t think about that, I'll leave you with the following...
-Check out the site archives. You can say no buuuuut we have ways of making you...
-Next update will be next Thursday. At this rate, not something I'd be comfortable promising.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will laugh about you behind your back with his mates.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and challenge stupidity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.