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orsmupdate 2022.08.04-20.27

Welcome to Valdir Segato has died. Please stand well back during the cremation.

Well, its August... again. I'm actually very happy to put July behind me because it was a bag of dicks with no bottom... or is that end? Wait, no. Look, it was a bag of dicks - that's the takeaway here. What's also sucking is the increase in scam calls coming my way. I'm up to about 5 a day at the moment and it's the full spectrum of well-known ones. Amazon membership expiring, Mastercard/Visa charges on my account, tax department issuing warrants for my arrest, trading scams, Lucy Edward's collecting for domestic violence, even web development companies. Usually I press 1, call them a cunt or request they kill themselves so I can listen to them die but the calls keep on coming. Like surely they could make a list of people who they've worked out it's a waste of time calling? That said, they probably double down and share my data with all the other call centre's for spite. And of course now for something that absolutely will not spite you - a brand new Orsm update. It's what you've been waiting all week for and it does not, in any possible way, disappoint. Check it...

The school of agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father" the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No" replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it".
My uncle has been taken into hospital with abdominal pain. When they x-rayed him, they could see six toy horses in his stomach. The doctors describe his condition as stable.
Good news for my mate from the hospital. He had a bang on the head and thought he was a Shetland Pony and lost his voice and could only say "Neigh, neigh". The doctors say his voice is coming back but he's still a little hoarse.
My friend is a dab-hand at fixing things, at least as good as anyone on those TV programs repairing all sorts of stuff. Today I told him I had broken something that I thought even he could not fix. Ever up for a challenge and wanting to impress me with his skill, he said he would take a look at it and asked what it was I'd broken. "Wind" I replied.
An Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day" commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George". "That's a real coincidence" remarked the Welshman. "My son was born on St David's Day, so obviously we decided to call him David". "That's incredible, what a coincidence" said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake".
I was having a smoke outside the pub when some dude in a wheelchair said "Why do you smoke when you don't have to?" I looked at him and asked "Why are you wearing shoes?"
I've been wrongly accusing my washing machine of shrinking all my cloths. It turns out, it was the fridge all along.
Two council maintenance guys, Simon and Brad were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole" said Simon "but we don't have a ladder". The woman went to her car and took out a spanner, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her bag, took a measurement, announced "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Brad shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the damn length!"
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult; I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right". He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it". So the bartender said "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it". The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son". The bartender said "Your only son, I'm guessing?"

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I got down on one knee in the hospital carpark yesterday. I proposed to a nurse. She turned me down on medical grounds.
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his John Thomas in preparation for sex with his wife. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do? Fuck him?"
The CEO of IKEA was elected president of Sweden this week. He's still assembling his cabinet.
After my dad died, I went to his favourite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!" I said "Why not?" He said "You have to cremate him first!"


There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighbourhood bar every night.

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that door would kick open and, if you looked closely, you'd see that crazy little mouse. He'd sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender.

"Gimme a beer, Sam!" "Sure thing, Mouse!" Their usual routine before the small talk.

One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. *Blink Blink* Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.

Mouse whispers "Sam! Who's that?" The bartender explains she just came in a while ago all by herself. Seems lonely.

Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. *Blink Blink*

Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.

Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.

The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes.

No Mouse.

Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.

Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.

Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn't say anything. Mouse looks like shit.

Finally, Sam can't resist. He says "Mouse, what in the world happened to you?" Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says "Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?" Sam replies "Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?" Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says "Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night!"



Previously: PANTIES #6 - PANTIES #5 - PANTIES #4 - PANTIES #3 - PANTIES #2 - PANTIES #1 - MORE >>


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A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans.

Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility.

And then, naturally, there were the volunteers. Many of the volunteers were quite popular with the scientists, but chief amongst them was Benny. Benny was the picture of human health, over 6 feet tall and in great shape due to the rigorous exercise regimen set for the subjects.

As expected, Benny becomes the first human to be cloned en masse, owing to his impressive physical abilities. The cloning process goes beautifully, with the facility now churning out dozens of new Bennies. However, there was one oddity that was observed. Every cloned Benny had experienced a pronounced growth in body hair, enough to make each Benny appear more like Bigfoot than Adonis.

Curious, the scientists decided to take a random Benny from the batch of clones and shave all of his hair off. They dosed the Benny and put him under, restraining him and systematically shaving off the body hair that covered every inch of skin. Before long, they had completed their work, and sat back to watch in amazement the physical perfection that the Benny had hidden beneath so much hair.

At that moment, the heart monitor starts to beep frantically, eventually emitting a continual tone as the Benny's heart stopped. Somehow, shaving a Benny resulted in his death.

Devastated, the scientists solemnly bring the Benny to the crematorium on-site. There is a quick service, a moment of silence, and a goodbye to the unfortunate Benny. His body is then burned, leaving behind only some ash, given back to the scientists in an urn.

This happens a few more times with each experiment ending in failure, with no further understanding of the relationship between the Bennies and their hair.

Soon, unable to take the grief, the scientists decide to halt the research into the Bennies' hair.

Eventually, the director of the facility comes by the lab, and asks the chief scientist whether they would be continuing with the research into the cause of the overgrown body hair on the Bennies. The scientist, outraged and in mourning, grasps a jar full of a Benny's ashes and answered "No sir, I believe at this point it is clear that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned".



GIRLS WITH FLAT TUMMIES previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 -#2 - #1 - MORE >>

An angry man walked into a taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menacingly, leaning over the bar, his muscles twitching with each word. "Me? No, I'm an Italian. Why do you hate the Greeks so much?" "Pour me a shot of some good strong whiskey, and I'll tell you why". "We don't have whiskey, sir. How about some Ouzo?" "What the hell is that?" "It's very strong, sir" "Okay, pour me a shot".

He downs the rocks glass of Ouzo, winces from it burning his throat, and starts to tell his story.

"Lemme tell you why I hate the damned Greeks so much...!! My sister, she's laid up in bed with that Greek bastard Laryngitis. She's not the only one who's been laid up with him either. My aunt and uncle as well! Kinky bastard! Now, they're telling me there's this Omicron fellow who's making his rounds everywhere! These damned Greeks can't be trusted!"

"Sir, that's not..."

Ignoring the bartender, the man taps the glass on the bar, demanding a refill. He takes the freshly refilled glass, and tosses another drink down his throat, grimaces and begins again...

"And another thing! My brother, his wife is sleeping with a guy named Tuberculosis, who's a nasty fellow! Everyone tells me he's dangerous! After meeting him, she's shacking up with some French bastard named Quarantine for 3 weeks!"

"Sir, those are..."


The bartender shrugs, and fills the glass back up.

He holds the glass up and looks at the cloudy white liquid inside. He throws down the entire glass, and winces from the 100-proof liquor. He then looks back up at the bartender and begins again...

"But I will tell you, my Italian friend, if I ever, ever find that bastard who's been messing with my wife, I will kill him with my bare hands!" "Well, I think you may be confused sir, what do you think is the name of the guy who's been messing with your wife?" "Look, my friend the pharmacist slipped me this note with his name! All I know is my dick itches like hell, his name is Chlamydia Syphilis, and he's from Penicillin! I'm starting in Pittsburgh and making my way east till I find that bastard!"



Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment" said the genie "as a reward, I shall grant you one wish".

"Well" said the prince "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog".

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana" said Charles, showing the genie the first photo "but now I love this woman named Camilla" and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said "Let's have another look at that dog".



Previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukrainian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered "We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded".

The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.

They come back and tell the Russians what they found "Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found leaks in your gas tank and a leaking fuel line. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was empty from a puncture in the reservoir, the engine had stalled from said lack of oil, and the radiator was cracked".

"Wait a second" interjected one Russian soldier. "Did you say the Radiator was cracked?" "Well, yes" replied the mechanic. "Huh? I don't remember doing that".



Previously: NUDISTS #6 - NUDISTS #5 - NUDISTS #4 - NUDISTS #3 - NUDISTS #2 - NUDISTS #1 - MORE >>

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation.

So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money.

The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow.

He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed's milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow.

After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning.

Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced "I think I know what's wrong now, sir". "Well, what is it?" asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David's shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said "That's a bull".

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Three hunters, an American, an Englishman and an Israeli, are out on safari.

They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American. "I'd like a steak" he replies.

So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Pom. "I'd like to have a smoke on my pipe" which they let him do.

Then the chief asks the Israeli "What's your last wish?" "I want you to kick my rear end". "Be serious" says the top cannibal. "C'mon, you promised" says the Israeli. "Oh, all right" says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.

The American and Brit are furious.

"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand. Replies the Israeli "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor!"



Previously on Orsm: STOCKINGS #4 - STOCKINGS #3 - STOCKINGS #2 - STOCKINGS #1 - MORE >>

A man goes to a psychologist.

He starts "Doc I got a real problem; I can't stop thinking about sex!" The psychologist says "Well let's see what we can find out" and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".

The psychologist says "Very interesting" and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".

The psychologist tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".

The psychologist states "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex". "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"


RANDOM SHITE 2022 08 04

Previously: 28th Jul. - 21st Jul. - 14th Jul. - 30th Jun. - 23rd Jun. - 16th Jun. - 9th Jun. - 2nd Jun. - MORE >>

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Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition.

She decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an "Egg, E-G-G" "Very good" says the teacher.

Peter says he had "Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?" "Excellent".

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger All, B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L".

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks "Where is the Pakistani Border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast!"


Three men get drunk one night and break into a bug farm.

They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard apprehends them.

He sits them down in his office. "For this awful thing you have done, you will all be punished accordingly".

"You -" he points to the first man "What did you destroy?" "I attacked the butterfly enclosure" the first man stammers. "Then I will make you eat pound after pound of butter until you are sick" the guard replies before turning to the second man.

"And you?" "I went for the stick insect enclosure" he whimpers, visibly shaking. "Then I will make you eat stick after stick until you are ill" the guard states.

He turns to the third man, who is weeping uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you?" the guard asks. "I went for the cockroach enclosure".




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Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop.

Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one where they can both work on their evil projects of doom and destruction. This is not ideal, as Frank and Ned actually quite dislike each other, but the mutual benefit in undeniable. After all, subterranean secret lairs aren't as affordable as they used to be.

One evening, just a few days before rent is due, Frank breaks the usual silence and pipes up with a tone of thick arrogance in his voice "Ah! Finished with the latest in a long line of successful projects. This one only took two days and scrap material I had sitting around, yet I know for certain, without any doubt in the world, it will work beautifully on the first go! My own genius sometimes amazes even myself".

Ned, annoyed with his co-renter's arrogance and off-put by his sudden unwanted chattiness, replies "And how can you, good sir, be so sure it will work without having given it a few test runs?" "Oh, I'm sure" Frank responds with a grin and smug chuckle.

Ned, overcome with annoyance for his unbearable co-renter, pushes on "Alright buddy, no project ever goes perfectly on the first try. We're both experienced enough mad engineers to know that... at least, I thought we had both attained that wisdom. So, without even knowing what your silly new machine does, I'll bet next month's rent it doesn't work on the first go".

This was not the first time Frank and Ned have bet a month or two of rent in the heat of a moment of anger. Though neither could afford the subterranean secret lair long-term on their own, both had a few months' survival cash on reserve, just in case the other got themselves killed during project, so they could afford to throw some cash around a little from time to time.

Frank accepts Ned's bet enthusiastically and without hesitation. He hastily flips a switch, and the machine starts up. Whirring. Hissing. Gears and bobs move and throb. A large hammer-like device at the top of the menacing, looming structure is cranked up and tensioned, higher and higher, visibly building with destructive potential, looking as though it is about to smash the very machine that moves it!

Crank. Click. Klank-kluh-crank. The tension builds as the machine's maiden use seems to be building to a violent climax. Ned wonders what this destructive looking contraption's exact function is. Most immediately, Ned wonders if he's safe in such close proximity to it. Frank has been known to make some rather explosive builds in the past, after all.

Frank notices Ned's worried look, and cheerfully yells over the noise of the beastly machine "Worry not, my good sir! We are probably safe!"

The cranking continues, and the machine appears as if it is about to smash itself to smithereens! At the last jarring, intense moment of stress and cranking of gears... nothing! A big fat nothing!

The machine lets out a decompressing hiss and appears to have stopped dead in its tracks. A few gears and bolts fall, a sticky, green oil leaks onto the cement of the warehouse floors. The hammer never strikes. The machine is dead.

Ned exclaims triumphantly "Haha! Your silly little project broke! You failed! Next month's rent is on you, buddy! That's what you get for putting so much faith in an untested project that took you only two days to build, you silly fool".

With victory in hand, curiosity inevitably consumes Ned's scientific mind. "What was this failed joke of a contraption supposed to do, anyhow?"

Frank, patiently listening to Ned revel in his assumed victory, responds calmly "True, things did not go exactly to plan. But actually, friend, I believe you owe me next month's rent, because my self-destruction machine seems to have broken itself just fine".


Well, boys... we did it.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Let's be honest - we all live uninteresting and boring lives; the Orsm archives are the best thing any of us have going... right?
-Next update will be next Thursday. I may have mentioned this before IDK.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll shower you in hate.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.