Welcome to waiting to be pwnd after the Optus data breach.
Somehow, through some miracle, I've managed to get this update up a couple of hours early. It doesn't sound like a lot but I'll take it. Might even use the windfall to sit around contemplating how amazing I am. That or watch the latest episode of Andor. We'll see. While all that's going on I have for you a superb update the way only *I* can do it. So go forth and... check it...
William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie. Apparently Shatner Panties was a poor choice of name.
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate" says the first IT guy "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special". "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop? What is it?" "It's a Razer Blade 17, i9, with 32Gb of RAM, GeForce video card and..."
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drink corrodes your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... there is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake".
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home when they had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls nights out! My wife came back with no panties". The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend "All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow". "Take him to the vet" his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. "The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal. "Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!" "What kind of pills were they?" asked the friend. "I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste".
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. One day the father said "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief "What on Earth did you do?" Son says "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says "If only they had Jackson's nails..."
A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly. In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says "What a hideous baby". "I've never been so insulted in my whole life" the man says, and hurries to the train conductor to complain. "I'm so sorry, sir" the train conductor says, when the man tells her he was insulted so terribly. "I apologise on behalf of the railway company". "Please allow me to move you to the first-class cabin, where you can enjoy a free glass of champagne and I will try to find some cheese for your pet rat".
The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him. So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's hoo-haw. 3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants. To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for the minister's penis. The king immediately ordered the execution of the men. He then turned to the minister and said "Of all the men close to me, you are the only one loyal". " You are not just my minister, but my closest friend as well". The minister was elated and replied with tears in his eyes "Slankyou, my lord".
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first mutters "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection". The second dwarf shook his head "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year. This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? The pilot, you fucking racist!
Paul is drinking in a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to use toilet. "Don't be stupid" says the barman "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes" explains Paul "but I take salts". "So what? That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!" Paul reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and Paul emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees shit all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands. "I told you" explained Paul with indifference. "No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman. "That's right... SOMER-saults".
A bear and a moose get into an argument in the forest.
They don't want to get into a fight, but they just want to prove which of them is stronger so they steal a piece of rope and the bear wraps it around the moose's antlers and holds the other end in its mouth.
They agree on three rounds, and they each get to choose their battlefield.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" and the moose wins on the shore of a lake, dragging the bear downhill and into the water.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" and the bear wins in the open field with plenty of leverage.
They start arguing again about where the third match will take place when a Beaver walks up and suggests they have the final tug of war across a beaver dam. The bear and moose glare at each other for a moment but they both agree, and set up on each side of the precarious, narrow dam.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" but the bear and moose are in a draw. Neither of them is budging an inch.
The beaver intervenes, saying "Hold up, you're both very strong but what if you had to compete with the weakest parts of your bodies? Bear, I will tie the rope around your tail- and moose, I will tie the rope around your ankle. Does that sound fair?"
They glare at each other but agree.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" but as soon as they start pulling it taut, the beaver chews through the rope and the snap causes the moose and bear to stumble into the mud, and the beaver splashes into the water.
Surfacing, the beaver speaks up and says "I was trying to teach you a lesson! Bear, you will never be like the moose! And moose, you will never be like the bear! Look at me, I'm a beaver and I'll never be as strong as either of you, but I can build dams out of trees to turn rivers into lakes. Bear, I cut down trees to give you open fields for berries; Moose, I raise the water level so you can graze on the underwater plants. Why can't we all get along?"
The bear and moose glare at each other again, both feeling defeated, exhausted and coated with mud.
A blue jay flies over and shouts "This whole dam competition is stupid and nobody wants to see bear asses, moose knuckles or wet beavers! What do you think this is, a dirty joke?"
Previously: #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - MORE >>
A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.
The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
"Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine".
The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of them off of the plane.
The blacksmith has a few swords that aren't worth much so he throws them off of the plane.
The demolitions expert has some outdated explosives that he won't ever use so he throws them off of the plane.
With all this extra weight off of the plane, the pilot is able to land safely with everyone unharmed. He has a few hours to kill before his next flight so he decides to walk around the city that he's in.
As he's walking, he passes by a little boy that's crying. The pilot asks the boy why he's crying.
The boy responds "My mother was taking money out of her purse when all of a sudden, a bag of pennies landed on her head and fractured her skull!"
The pilot tells the boy not to worry and that the doctors will save his mother.
The pilot starts walking back to the airport and after some time he passes a little girl that's crying. The pilot asks the girl why she's crying. The girls responds "My father bent over to tie his shoes and all of a sudden, a sword went through his leg!"
The pilot tells the girl not to worry and that the doctors will save her father.
The pilot is about to reach the airport when he passes a little boy that's laughing uncontrollably. The pilot asks the boy why he's laughing. The boy responds "My dad farted and that building blew up!"
Previously: #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - MORE >>
Rick Astley goes camping. As he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 80's and 90's musicians. Rick thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions.
That night, Rick hears something rummaging around outside his tent. Turning on his flashlight, he looks outside to see a bear just yards from his tent door. Rick freaks out and runs into the woods with nothing but his toiletry bag. With the bear is in hot pursuit, Rick trips over a root and rolls his ankle. He quickly searches his kit and finds a new bottle of ibuprofen. Hoping that it'll be enough to help him recover he starts to open it, but as he's about to pop the childproof cap, the bear catches up and eats him.
The next week, MC Hammer pulls up to the same campground. As he's setting the jack on his pop-up trailer, the park ranger drops by to warn him about the bear. Hammer thanks the ranger for his concern, but assures the ranger that he'll be safe.
Well, that night, Hammer hears something sniffing around his trailer. Grabbing his spotlight, he looks outside the door and sees the bear mere feet away. Hammer bolts into the woods with nothing but his duffel bag. Partway into the trees, he trips on a rock and sprains his ankle. Hearing the bear get closer, he searches in his bag and finds a splint. Hoping it will help in time, he starts to open the package, but before he can bind his ankle the bear catches up and eats him.
A month goes by, and Seal drives his RV to the very same campground where Rick Astley and MC Hammer met their fate. Before he can get to his spot, the park ranger stops him and pleads with him to go home lest he be eaten by the bear. Seal assures the ranger that he'll be perfectly safe, and parks his RV.
That night, the 90's R&B star hears something scratching at the side of his RV. Turning on the exterior lights, he looks outside to see the bear inches from the door. Not having time to grab anything, he dashes into the woods with the bear breathing down his neck. As the bear is about to catch him, he trips over a log and breaks his ankle. Defenceless and without supplies, he waits for the bear to end him. To his surprise, the bear stops at his feet and drops a bottle of ibuprofen and a fresh splint. Seeing his confusion, the bear simply points to the painkillers and says "do not consume if Seal is broken".
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
This chick wants to get tattooed, but doesn't want to spend a lot of money.
Her friend tells her of this talented guy who is just starting out so his rates are low. She goes in and meets the guy and tells him she wants two tattoos, one on the inside of each thigh.
She also tells him "I want the vampire from Twilight on one thigh and the ware wolf on the other, and I aint payin' if they don't look like 'em". He says "Don't worry about it; give me their pictures and I'll make it look good".
So, she sits down, hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs. He sits in front of her and she's not wearing panties and is... unkept. Not particularly enjoying the view, he starts working.
After a few hours, he's finished and proud of his work. He's even impressed at himself.
Handing her a mirror, he says "There you go. Looks just like 'em, I think thats my best work yet!" She replies "Are you kidding me?? They look terrible! I AINT PAYIN' FOR THIS CRAP!"
TheY argue and begin to shout threats at one another. Outside, a passing cop overhears the yelling and steps inside to see what is going on.
Cop: "What's going on in here!? You both need to CALM DOWN!" Girl: "I aint payin' for this tattoo! It's supposed to be the vampire and werewolf from Twilight and it don't look a thing like em!" Artist: "BULLSHIT! Looks just like 'em! She better pay me or I'm filing charges!"
The officer says that if they will do what he says, he can solve the problem.
They agree, so he tells them "This is what we do... I grab the first guy that walks by and ask him to look, if he recognises the actors, then you pay, if not, then she doesn't pay".
They agree and the cop snatches up the first guy to walk by, but he happens to be a bit drunk. The cop tells him not to worry about being drunk, and explains the situation and the guy agrees to check out the tattoos.
The girl sits down, hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs. The drunk guy sits in front of her and looks right, left, right, left...
Finally the cop says "So?" Drunk guy says "Well, the guy on the right, never seen 'im before... guy on the left, don't know who the hell he is... but that guy in the middle... I'll be DAMNED if that aint WILLY NELSON!"
Previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water can get em! Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg.
"Are you sure these plates are clean?" enquired John. Without looking up the old man said "I told you before, sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
A motorist was stopped for speeding on the freeway by traffic cops and asked to give his name and address.
"My name is William Walter Wankin-Brake and I am the Sales Manager for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company" he replied. "Come along, sir" answered the traffic cop "this is no time to be silly. What's your name and address?"
With that, the motorist pulled out his business card, which confirmed that he was indeed William Walter Wankin-Brake from the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company.
After writing out a speeding ticket the traffic cop then returned to his station and gave his copy of the ticket to the desk sergeant, who took one look at it and said, with a pained expression "Somebody's taking the piss here. I'm going to check this out".
With that he picked up the telephone and dialled the number that had been given to his colleague.
"Is that the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay?" "Yes" was the reply. "My name is Clare. How can I help you?"
"Have you got a Wankin-Brake at your place?" asked the desk sergeant. "Wanking break? You're joking!" exclaimed the receptionist "the boss is that tight, we don't even get a tea break!"
Previously: 22nd Sep. - 15th Sep. - 8th Sep. - 1st Sep. - 25th Aug. - 18th Aug. - 11th Aug. - 4th Aug. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.
The mugger said "I am not a bad person. I've never done this before. It's just that I desperately need money RIGHT NOW, so as long as the both of you comply, no one will get hurt".
The couple nod their heads and reluctantly agreed to the mugger's demands. As the couple frantically gather any money and jewellery they have in them, the mugger turns his attention to the woman and asked "You, what's your name?" "My name's Maria" the woman nervously responds.
The mugger was taken aback. You can see the hesitation in his eyes. After almost 5 seconds of silence, the mugger said "You know what? Keep your stuff and just put your hands up".
The woman said "Thank you very much, but may I ask why the change of heart?" The mugger replied "You share the same name with my mother. My parents showered me with love and reminded me to always have a positive outlook in life and to treat everyone with respect, and the thought of pointing a gun at my mother just... it feels wrong. You have nothing to worry about now".
The woman acknowledges and puts her hands up. Now the mugger turns his attention to the man and asked "How about you, what's your name?" The man confidently replied "My name's Andrew, but my friends call me Maria".
A plane is on its way to London, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to a vacant seat in first class.
The flight attendant watches her doing this, asks to see her ticket, and tells her that she paid for economy and must return to her booked seat.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"
The attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot about the blonde bimbo with an economy ticket sitting in first class and refusing to return to economy.
The co-pilot approaches the blonde to tell her she paid for economy and therefore has no right to sit in first class.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot, and suggests they should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I speak blonde, I'm married to one".
He goes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets flustered and says "Oh I'm so sorry" gets up and returns back to economy.
The attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and ask the pilot what he said to her that made her move without a fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to London".
Previously: AINA - ELISE - KEEGAN - NANCY - LILY - ZARINA - AMELIA - ALICE - CHI CHI- VALYA - MORE >>
THE GREAT CHILI COOK-OFF
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.
FRANK: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE #2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!
CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about FRANK. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
JUDGE #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
Well, this update is now done. Except...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Consider It self-love.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Oc-fucking-tober!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll put very finely crushed glass in your food over a long period so it slowly shreds you from the inside out.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.