Welcome to caught my first tube today, sir.
Have put in some significant hours around here lately. Got a pretty insane run to years' end and it def won't hurt to (try and) be prepared for the onslaught. I wouldn't say I'm exhausted but there's no denying the fatigue of staring at a monitor day and night. Oh by the way, Orsm hits, plus or minus, 22 years old this month. The reason I don't have an exact date is because things changed a lot in the early years and it sort of was... and it sort or wasn’t. Yeah, that's vague but it’s the best I can offer. TLDR; olllllld. Let's get crack-a-lackin' with the update. Check it...
A builder working at the top of a ladder calls down to his mate "I'll need to go home, John, I'm not feeling well". His mate replies " Is it vertigo, Jerry?" who calls back " No, I'm only about 10 minutes' walk away".
A guy walks into a bar with a chicken under his arm and orders a beer. "Hey, you can't bring a live chicken into the bar" the bartender admonishes him. "But this is a famous chicken. She can actually draw beautiful portraits of anyone" the guy tells the bartender. So the bartender asks for a demonstration and lo and behold, the hen proceeds to sketch out a beautiful portrait of the bartender on a cocktail napkin. "Okay, that's really amazing!" the bartender admits. "I didn't even know chickens could draw. How did you find out that this hen was so talented?" "Actually, it's a little-known fact that all hens like to draw" the guy admits. "But a cock'll doodle too".
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
I went to see my doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked. "I can't understand the writing" I replied "Was it you?"
Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time. However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort. They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack. But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realise something was very wrong. There was only one bed! So they went and complained to the staff and they told them that was the only room left. Begrudgingly, they decide to just share the bed. They awaken the next morning all refreshed and happy. The friend on the left said to the others "Hey guys, I had a dream about getting a hand job, it was the best dream I ever had!" "That's weird, I had the same dream" the friend on the far right said. The friend in the middle said to the others "Well that surely is strange - I dreamt I was skiing!"
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". The husband replies "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him. "This is too much. We really should split up". "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way".
Three German artillerymen were on probation for lacklustre performance. To secure continued enlistment in the military, they had to take a test that involved firing an egg out of a cannon, towards their commanding officer. They needed to use the smallest angle necessary to fire the egg in a way that didn't hit their CO. The first man fired too low and hit the CO with an egg. The CO pointed at the man and laughed, calling him a failure. The second man fired a little higher, but also hit the CO, causing him to laugh as well. The third man, however, was met with success, and found the exact angle needed. The CO didn't laugh, because the yolk went over his head.
The police just pulled me over and said "Papers?" I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch - he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from. The American says "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!" The Frenchman says "No, Adam and Eve must be French! They wander around the garden in nakedness full of love for each other, and even went against God to take the forbidden fruit all for their love of each other! To love so strongly and deeply, they must be French!" Finally, the Vietnamese says "No, no, Adam and Even must be Vietnamese! Look, they have no possessions - no roof above their heads, no clothes, even an apple is forbidden to them! To be so destitute and still believe they're in Paradise, they must be Vietnamese!"
An English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. "Well, you see" the English teacher explained. "Life without parole' is a phrase".
A bar opened opposite a church. The church prayed daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning and caught fire which destroyed it. The bar owner sued the church authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their prayer. The church denied all responsibility! So, the judge commented "it's difficult to decide the case because here we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn't believe in it".
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try".
Last Sunday I woke up with a sudden tooth pain. I thought "Oh great, no dentist is open on Sunday, I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get this dealt with".
But, just in case I decided to Google dentists open on Sunday in my area. Well, surprise, surprise! I get this search result that says "Pain-free Dentistry without novocaine! We'll teach you how to harness the power of your mind to have an easy and relaxing dental experience. Open 7 days per week!"
Well, now I'm intrigued, so I called the number, spoke with a nice gentleman on the phone who said "Come on down, we'll get you right in!" He gave me the address, and I plugged it into Google Maps, and headed out.
As I arrived at what Maps said was my destination, I was confused. The only thing on this stretch of street in the industrial area was what appeared to be an old caboose from what looked like the 1950's. Sure enough, a sign outside the caboose read "Pain-Free Dentistry!"
So I parked out front, and climbed the stairs to the old art deco entranceway.
Once inside, I was pleasantly surprised to find the old rail-car converted into a thoroughly modern office, with a posh little reception area, complete with complimentary tea and coffee.
The receptionist, a young man with a dapper moustache, welcomed me, checked me in, and assured me the doctor would be with me shortly. My nagging tooth pain was almost forgotten with the unusualness of my surroundings, but reminded me of its existence upon drinking a few sips of hot tea.
Soon, the doctor, a man of indeterminate age with the look of a Tibetan monk, arrived out front to usher me back into the actual medical area of the caboose. You'd never know you were in a caboose though, or even a dentist's office! It looked more like a monastery, with beautiful prayer flags hung about, and brass bells chiming softly as water dripped onto them in a cunningly-designed fountain. The only evidence that this was the domain of a D.M.D. was the gleaming dentist's chair in the middle of the room, surrounded by shining trays of instruments.
After welcoming me, the doctor seated me in the chair, and assured me that all would soon be well. He could sense my scepticism, but soon put me at ease with his calm reassurances.
Soon enough, after a few breathing exercises, I found myself relaxing, and under his patient guidance I slipped away into a realm of total calm, where I was able to control my thoughts and reactions, while he fixed my tooth right up. I returned from my state of Zen after nary a wince, with a filled tooth, and a newfound appreciation for the Eastern Spiritual Arts.
I thanked the doctor, paid the receptionist, and bid goodbye to the old caboose, pain-free and with my entire Sunday afternoon to look forward to.
And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to practice Train's-end Dental Meditation.
UNDERWATER previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not understand. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
WHAT A GIRL SEES previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A Jewish punter was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -a long shot- won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem" said the Priest "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
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Leo was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss's whiskey and adding water to the bottle.
The boss, John, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine John decided to do something to trap Leo.
So he shouted "Leo?" Leo answered from the kitchen "Yes boss?" John "Who drank my whiskey and added water in the bottle?"
There was no answer from the kitchen.
The boss repeated the question, still no response.
An angry John marched to the kitchen and threatened Leo "What the hell is going on? When I call your name, you respond with 'Yes Boss' but when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What is this?!" Leo said "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don't hear anything else that is said, I swear". John "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question".
So the boss went to the kitchen.
Leo shouted "Boss?"
Boss "Yes Leo?"
Leo "Who got the maid pregnant?"
Leo, yet again "And who arranged for her abortion?"
Once again, silence.
John came running from the kitchen and said "You're right Leo. When one is in the kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. How bloody strange!"
Previously: #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - MORE >>
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Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators.
One day while they are sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says "You know Frank, me and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we've enjoyed our cricket all that time". "Aye" replies Frank.
"Well" Ted continues "we've both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point where we've got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion". Aye" replies Frank.
"Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?" asks Ted. Frank says "I don't know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let's promise that if it's at all possible, we will come back and let the other know". "Sounds good to me" says Frank.
A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion.
About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he recognises as his old deceased mate.
Franks says "Ted, is it thee?" "Aye" says Ted. "We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in Heaven". Frank answers "Aye".
"Well" says Ted "there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?"
Frank considers his options for a moment. "I'll have the good news first, please".
So Ted starts with the good news "There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the afternoon teas are to die for".
"That's great" says Frank "but, what's the bad news then?" Ted replies "You're opening the batting for us next Monday".
A grocer owned a parrot.
Every day, he would put the parrot cage outside, in front of his store, so the bird could catch a bit of sunshine.
One morning, down the street comes Donald Trump. The bird, happy to have an audience, starts screaming "Impeach Trump!!! Impeach Trump!!!"
This annoys Trump to the fullest but he says nothing, just walks by.
The following day, Trumps comes around again and the parrot starts again "Impeach Trump!!!" "Impeach Trump!!!"
Now Trump is getting really upset, he stares down the parrot, emits a few curses and leaves.
The third day, the parrot continues his screaming as Trump approaches and Trump has had enough.
Storming into the store, he gives a piece of his mind to the grocer "If I hear that bird again, I will strangle him with my own hands and see that your store never sees a client for the rest of your miserable life!"
The grocer is very afraid, he has no control over the bird, he knows that whatever he does, he is lost. Then, he starts thinking... our parish priest has a parrot, maybe, if I explain the problem, the priest will let me exchange birds until things calm down.
And so, it is done. Next morning, the grocer puts out the priest's parrot in front of the store and anxiously waits for Trump.
As expected, Trump comes by, the bird is silent. Trump tries to stare it down, walks around it, still not a word. Trump is speechless, how can it be? He says nothing and continues his walk.
Same thing the next day, and the next.
On the fourth day, Trump, being Trump cannot take it anymore. He walks up to the bird and whispers to him "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump", the bird ruffles its feathers but makes no sound.
Maybe he did not hear me... so Trump tries a bit louder "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump", still not a word from the bird.
This gets Trump mad as hell, he wanted to wring this bird's neck and he has no reason to do it now.
Getting in close to the parrot's ears, he yells at the top of his lungs "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump!!!"
The bird slowly turns its head, stares at Trump and calmly says "May God answer your prayers my son!"
Previously: 15th Sep. - 8th Sep. - 1st Sep. - 25th Aug. - 18th Aug. - 11th Aug. - 4th Aug. - 28th Jul. - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie.
Half his age, all was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a woman's magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
Unfortunately though, the vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought-after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel!"
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam" replied the sales clerk "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said "A long frilly white dress with a veil".
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first-time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning".
"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride!
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again!"
"What about your third husband?" "That one was a politician" said the woman "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how GREAT it was going to be, but NOTHING ever happened!"
Previously: ELISE - KEEGAN - NANCY - LILY - ZARINA - AMELIA - ALICE - CHI CHI- VALYA - MORE >>
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
Well, that was fun. Don’t know if anyone noticed but I tried to condense things slightly this week. Whacking a million videos and everything in every Thursday takes serious effort and I'm wondering if less might actually be more. Can safely say I'd appreciate a doing a little bit less. Feel free to feed my back.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're the next big thing (after vaping stops being so cool bwahaha).
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for SEPTEMBER. Year is basically over..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make some rather unsavoury... pancakes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.