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orsmupdate 2018.08.16-21..05
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Welcome to name-dropping unimportant people.

Hard to believe we're halfway through August already... and other pointless observations.

I wrote a whole thing here tonight. Uncharacteristically, didn't ramble on paragraph after paragraph but ultimately ditched it because it made me sound angry when that's not really my deal [at the moment]. Life is pretty okay. Sure, I may be plagued by thoughts of low self-worth reinforced anxiety but I ask you - who isn't!?

What I am enjoying however is the almost identical convo you get upon running into any rando you bump into and is keen for a chat. Most anyone you speak to in this southern hemisphere time of year starts the conversation with how cold it has been... and is being? How it got to about July and suddenly it was freezing. Thankfully we've had a lot of rain though. Then that they really hope summer comes early and it's a hot one. Because last year wasn't. Small talk. You gotta love it.

Now for some big-talk - I got you guys covered. This work of art I spent my whole week accomplishing is about to take you long into the night. Got Goosebumps yet? Check it...

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The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip. "Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis". "Oh my goodness!" said the gossip, and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news. Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years!"
--
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
--
The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked "How did this happen?" "Let me put it this way, doc" the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight".
--
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". A little later, he asks "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good". He invites her up to his apartment and she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". They get to his apartment and he says "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife". She says "Oh, that's different. Send her in".
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings". "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck".
--
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men". The husband then turned to his wife and asked "What?"
--
A vacationer emailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach" he was told. "But how will I recognise it?" asked the man. The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows".
--
Police today arrested a thalidomide couple at Heathrow airport. They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane
--
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think... it's ice cream". She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
--
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says "What size?" He says "I don't know". She holds up a finger and says "That big?" He says "Bigger". She holds up three fingers and says "That big?" He says "Smaller?" She holds up two fingers and he says "That's it". She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says "Medium".
--
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy "Excuse me son but is your mum or dad in?" To which the boy replies "Does it fucking look like it?"
--
Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl "Sir, there's no smoking in here". Stumpy said "I'm not smoking lady". "But you have a cigar in your mouth" the woman said. "Lady" Stumpy answered "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a bloody horse!"
--
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbour says "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red". The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"
--
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. t-shirt. "Her friend asks: "Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday t-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realise it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front!"

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A man is at the dentists for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks "Well... so you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose".
--
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said "I imagine that our side will win".
--
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the wife replied "in-laws".

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An Irish priest was transferred to a parish in Florida.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Englewood Mission Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How can I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first. Which is the reason for me call".

SEEING THINGS FROM HER POV 😍

WHAT A GIRL SEES 08

WHAT A GIRL SEES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland in Beautiful BOWEN, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch!

Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay...!

The doctor told him "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on for as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to the Coral Coast Caravan Park in one of those villas with the spas.

That night in the park, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez". Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied "Look at dis Lena ... STILL IN DA CRATE!"

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck".

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now".

It's always better to get a second opinion.

45 GIRLS ANSWERING THE CALL OF NATURE

GIRLS PEEING 16

GIRLS PEEING previously on Orsm: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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NOT ALL THIEVES ARE STUPID

THE CRAIGSLIST DECOYS
Several years ago in Monroe, Washington, a man dressed in a yellow vest, respirator mask and blue shirt robbed an armoured truck. He pepper-sprayed the guard and made off with a bag of money, running at top speed toward a nearby creek. Police gave chase and were met with several confused civilians dressed in the exact same outfit as the robber. As it turned out, this particular criminal put up a Craigslist ad asking for people to show up at that specific date and time, dressed just like him. The ruse worked, and confused police were unable to apprehend the criminal - though they did mention they had succeeded in capturing several individuals that matched the suspect's description.

THE ENVIABLE GAS THIEVES
Wouldn't it be nice if you could just press a button and fill up your car for free? Well that's exactly what some crafty criminals were thinking back in 2008 - the last time gas prices spiked. Believe it or not, almost every gas pump in the major chains is manufactured by the same company: Gilbarco. This means that, much like figuring out how to pick the vending machine lock in high school, there's one standard way to trick just about every pump in the country into giving you free gas. Which is exactly what these thieves did. Because of the near-identical design of the pumps, stations from Shell to BP all across the southwest were turned into free money machines simply by unplugging a wire and keying in a number on a pad.

THE TOYS R' US BANDIT
In November of 2000, Jeffrey Allen Manchester plead guilty to several armed robberies and was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Deciding this just wouldn't do, he eventually landed a spot in the prison's metal shop and ended up escaping by hitching himself under a delivery truck. As a freed convict, Manchester's first words out of prison were "Take me to Toys R' Us". Manchester lived in the unexplored depths of a Toys R' Us and the Circuit City next door. He eventually fashioned himself a nice room from a closet under some stairs, complete with electricity, plumbing, and even a TV and Xbox. Manchester became a part of the local community, attending church, dating a local woman, and even dressing up as the Easter bunny for church celebrations. Unfortunately, these connections were his downfall when his girlfriend turned him over to police.

BRICK WALL BANDITS
At a bank in Bulgaria in 2009, several hundred thousand dollars' worth of currency vanished suddenly from the vault. "Suddenly" may be a poor choice of words, however, as the money vanished on a Saturday and wasn't noticed until the following Wednesday. The thieves were so subtle and stealthy, it took almost 4 days before anyone bothered to check on the money. The heist went off without a hitch because the robbers didn't settle for the typical run-and-grab robbery. They simply pre-paid a few months' rent on an adjacent apartment, then drilled a hole through the wall one night. That was all that was separating the bank from the outside world - a brick wall. Ironically, shortly before the robbery the local police had recommended several security upgrades, all of which would have stopped the heist.

JERRY RAMRATTAN
Jerry Ramrattan had a problem: his girlfriend was accusing him of rape, and he was having a hard time disproving her. Thankfully Ramrattan was a private investigator by trade, so he knew all the twists and turns of the seedy criminal and legal underbelly of society. This was a huge help in ducking his girlfriend's rape charges, and also aided him in getting her convicted of several acts of armed robbery, not a single one of which she actually committed. Despite the mind-boggling level of douchebag that's involved in the decision to both rape your girlfriend and then manufacture armed robberies to get her thrown in jail, there is a certain genius to Ramrattan's plan. There's no one Americans will pay less attention to than a person accused of a crime, and Ramrattan concocted elaborate stories and produced mounds of incriminating "evidence" to implicate his girlfriend. The girlfriend spent seven months in jail before being acquitted, and even then, was only let loose because one of Ramrattan's cohorts talked to the police.

FAT FOLD BANDITS
We've all had that fateful moment where we needed something hidden from parents, nosy siblings, or the authorities, and we desperately try to find somewhere innocuous to stash it. Sometimes it's as easy as throwing it in your pocket, or if you're desperate, throwing it in your underwear - few will have the bravery to search there, especially if you breath really hard and pretend like you just finished a particularly sweaty run. Ailene Brown and Shmecko Thomas were simply taking this impulse to its logical conclusion when they decided to steal a whole host of merchandise by stuffing it under their rolls of fat. And we're not talking a couple of candy bars here. No, Brown and Thomas tried to smuggle out an entire wardrobe - complete with four pairs of boots.

THE BANCO CENTRAL TUNNEL
In August of 2005, nearly 160 million reals went missing from a bank vault in Brazil, making it one of the largest cash heists in history. Investigators concluded that the robbery was perpetrated by thieves using that old stand-by: the tunnel from an adjacent building. But the Banco Central tunnel was no run-of-the-mill excavation, it was considerably more complex and imaginative. To start out, the Banco Central thieves weren't half-arsing anything. They didn't purchase a neighbouring building, the picked one almost a football field away. To accommodate such a large, complex excavation, the tunnel even had its own air conditioning and electricity. They even used the cover of operating a landscaping company so no one questioned the large amount of soil going in and out of the building on a regular basis. If this is starting to sound like an operation perpetrated by highly-educated, highly-trained professionals in the geology, excavation, and engineering disciplines, well that's actually exactly what authorities suspect.

THE BOMB HOSTAGE ROBBERY
The story of Brian Douglas. The plan was straightforward and brilliant. A bomb would be strapped to Wells' chest, he would rob a bank claiming to be an innocent hostage. He and his accomplices were to get the money while Wells remains an innocent bystander. The bomb (which was supposed to be fake) was designed such that Wells would have always ended up with a smouldering, fist-sized hole in his chest. He died on the scene. His accomplices were eventually brought to justice, but that didn't stop a copycat from trying to pull something very similar a few short years later.

THE LUFTHANSA HEIST
One of the most famous and lucrative robberies in American history, the Lufthansa heist was immortalised in the movie Goodfellas. You've probably heard all about the heist, and more importantly, the bloody fallout that resulted. What doesn't often get talked about is the extreme level of detail, planning and cleverness that went into making the raid a success. All-in-all the "Goodfellas" had to disable over a dozen airport guards and employees - all without firing a shot or raising an alarm - to make off with the loot. They would take each hostage's wallet to get their ID and use it to threaten the hostage's family. This was used to give the Goodfellas 15 extra minutes to escape, which was vital since they knew security could lock down the airport in less than 90 seconds. The heist succeeded not just because they had connections at the airport or were a group of hardened, experienced criminals. That was part of it, but when it comes down to it, ingenious planning is the real victor here.

MUSEON MUSEUM HEIST
You've probably heard the phrase: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing humanity that he doesn't exist". The idea is that truly great and pure evil doesn't care about size or ego, it cares about wreaking havoc and doing damage-two things that are easier the less noticeable you are. That's why the Museon Museum heist is so disconcerting. Somehow the thieves were clever enough to make it past the 24-hour guard patrols, the motion sensors and the camera recordings to make off with more than $15 million in priceless jewels. To this day, no one is entirely sure how the thieves managed their near-invisible heist.

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George W. Bush gets done eating dinner at the Whitehouse when he steps out onto the Whitehouse porch to get some fresh air.

After a few minutes he noticed someone had urinated his name in the snow. Furious, George goes to the secret service and demands to know who urinated his name in the snow. The secret service tells George "Yes sir Mr. President, we will get right on it".

A couple of hours goes by and the secret service comes back and says "Mr. President, we have good news and we have bad news". George says" What's the good news?"

Secret service says "We had the urine analysed and it came back as Al Gores". George says,
I knew he would betray me". Then George says "What's the bad news?" The Secret service says "We think it's Hillary Clinton's handwriting".

BUTTER FACES BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S GOOD... BUT HER FACE!

BUTTER FACES 05

Previously on Orsm: BUTTER FACES #4 - BUTTER FACES #3 - BUTTER FACES #2 - BUTTER FACES #1 - MORE >>

Two guys are having a chat over a coffee at work...

MARK: "Why you white guys always so happy?"
SIMON: "Because I make love to my wife every morning before work".
MARK: "Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that?"
SIMON:"It's easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time".
MARK: "Okay... what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning?"
SIMON:"I say 'Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you'".
MARK: "HAHA she falls for that?"
SIMON: "Yes you should try it".

The next day Simon comes in with black eye fat lip and a tooth missing...

SIMON: "What happened to you?"
MARK: "Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn't like it".
SIMON: "She didn't like it??? What did you say?"
MARK: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 08 16

OLDER SHITE: 9th August - 2nd August - 26th July - 19th July - 12th July - 5th July - 28th June - 21st June - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "Bloody hell what happened last night?".

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag".

SIDE BOOB IS THE FUCKING BEST

SIDE BOOB 09

SIDE BOOB previously: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

TOO PERKY TO BE REAL? OR MAYBE TOO PERKY TO BE FAKE?

MASHA 03

Previously on Orsm: SUMMER - DAISY - JANETTE - MAXINE - AMELIA - YASMINA - ELISE - SUZAN - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Win at life.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm very serious about this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fill your butthole with rapidcrete while you're sleeping. Goodluck shitting that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a clean hose. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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