Welcome to I wish there were pigmen.
Second last update of the year. Woohoo. Not only does that mean some downtime but also that there's a monster Christmas update on the way to wrap it all up. Meanwhile you guys'll have to keep yourselves occupied with this absolute sickcunt update I've cobbled together. Check it...
I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colours; Fill your plate with bright colours; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!
The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence". "Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back" said one child "No" said another. "He's just for good luck". A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs" she said firmly "to find the fire hydrants".
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening".
Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet.
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist". "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?" "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
"That wife of mine is a liar!" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley". "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Yeah Its PissReason #75 You Should Carry Flood Insurance - Hot Or Not?Brooke Candy - Not Sure If I Love This Or Hate This! Seems To Be Well Done But That's A Lot Of Ink!! - Creamy OrgasmMasturbate In A Shower While My Dumb Brother Tries To Hear Me - So Much NOPEHefty LGBTQA+3.14 Troglodyke Gets Last Night's Hungry Man Dinner Ejected Out Of Her After Trying To Post Up On The Wrong Block. Lesson Learned: When It Comes To Oesophageal Tolerance, Don't Mess With The Black People. - Yellow FeverInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Magic ButtsPhunny's Bonus Butts #163 - Nip SlippedKristin Cavallari Nipple Slip At The Much Music Awards - I Agree!Martina Mink Is A New Model From Met-Art And She Has Nice Looking Tits. You Agree? - Lez OrgySimony Diamond In Lesbian Group Eating Pussy
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My dad worked as a carpenter his whole life. When he died they buried him with his lathe. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps but I wanted to be a musician. I bet he's turning in his grave right now.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
I organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
"How did you lose your hands?" asked a bloke in the pub. "I stole a fish in the Middle East" I replied "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me". "Wow! How big was it?" he said. I held my arms out wide and said "A bit bigger than that".
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary's house one night when Rocco loses $600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks "Who's going to go and tell the situation to his wife?"
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem".
He drives over to Rocco's house and knocks on the door. Rocco's wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.
Ronald replies "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost $600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He's asked me to come over here and apologise to you".
Rocco's wife goes crazy and screams "You tell him I said drop dead!" Ronald doesn't bat an eyelid and says "Okay, I'll go tell him".
UPSKIRTS previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.
"So what do I do first?" His father replied "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed".
5 minutes later Fred's on the phone again.
"She's naked and in bed, what do I do now??" His father can't believe what he is hearing "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her".
After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.
"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His dad's patience is now running thin so he says "Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!"
Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. "Okay Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next"
"DROWN YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess".
GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
The receptionist objected, stating "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man". "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit" added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said "You're in luck this morning, he will see you" and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked "How can I help you?" She replied "I would like to open a savings account" and placed the bag of money on his desk.
"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you please" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?" The old lady coyly replied "I make bets".
Surprised, the president then asked "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "What?!" cried the man "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.
"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square".
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay" said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay". He then said "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".
As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" The old lady replied "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands".
Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.
The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"
"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".
"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".
"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair" replies the judge.
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A guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into one of his groomsmen. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time".
The groomsmen replied "There is a simple solution to That. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the tummy. For some reason that makes women get off!"
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted ways.
About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy Is eager to find out what had happened. He asked "Hey, is everything better on the home front now?" The married man replied "Not exactly!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
Previously: STAR WARS BABES #3 - STAR WARS BABES #2 - STAR WARS BABES #1- MORE >>
When Ali, the sheik's most devoted eunuch, died unexpectedly in the middle of the night, the potentate's teenaged son asked his father how this unhappy event had come to pass.
"My son" said the sheik "Ali's death teaches us a valuable lesson. Last night, upon retiring, I commanded him to hasten to my harem and select for my pleasure the one most beautiful among the hundred houri's waiting there. He returned with surprising swiftness with a ravishing young woman, but this tasty morsel merely whetted my appetite, so I summoned Ali again and told him to fetch forth the most sensual female of the harem.
This time he returned even more quickly, though the harem is a considerable distance from my quarters as you know, with a female whose hair was as flame with a passion to match.
This erotic creature further increased my desire, and I instructed Ali to have the most innocent maiden he could find brought to my bedchamber; he reappeared soon after, short of breath and perspiring from his efforts in my behalf, with a raven-haired beauty who was the very image of innocence.
So it went throughout most of the night-with a fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh, faithful Ali scurrying back and forth between harem and bedchamber again, and again, and again, and again, until he dropped dead at my feet".
"And what is the valuable lesson to be learned from all this?" the perplexed son of the potentate wanted to know. "There's no harm in sex" said the sheik. "It's the running after it that can kill you".
OLDER SHITE: 6th December - 29th November - 22nd November - 15th November - 8th November - MORE >>
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
SENSATIONAL TAN LINES previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Previously: DARIA - EMILY - JULIETT - KATE - BARBIE - ABELLA - JULIANA- NIKKI - ABIGAIL - SUZAN - MORE >>
Mr. Jones is attending a medical conference at London. He goes to reception and finds out from the receptionist that his room is on the fourteenth floor of the building. Exhausted from his long flight from New York City, he immediately proceeds to the elevator.
There, he is greeted by the jolly elevator attendant with a huge smile. "Good day, Sir. Need a lift?" "Lift?" Mr. Jones asked in amusement. "Indeed, Sir" replied the man.
"You mean elevator?" Mr. Jones asked smiling. The elevator attendant responded "Well yes, Sir. But here, we call it a lift".
"You really should call it an elevator, you know? Because as it was invented in our country, it's called that way" Mr. Jones quipped.
The good attendance gave him a cheeky response "I hear you, Sir. But as the language was invented here, it's called a lift".
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-Next update will be next Thursday OR Friday. Last update for the year and it going to be huge!
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck negativity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.