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April 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.04.26-20.05
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Today's update is brought to you by the letter Cunt.

Feels like a... I don't know what but definitely not a Thursday. Clearly the mid-week public holiday has something to do with it. Also not feeling quite as destroyed as I normally would by this time of the week. Putting that one down to actually taking the holiday afternoon off instead of slaving over the computer. The result is not wanting to crawl up and die like every Thursday for the past 10+ years. Strange feeling.

I'm just going to slide in to all what's been happening in my little world... and that's because I don't really care what's been happening outside it. Here goes...

After a week of various annoying ailments, Friday kicked off with a doctor visit. First time I've been in ages and this time with a totally new doc - unfortunately the old guy who I'd seen for the last few years has retired. Shame because despite the un-PC 'why women shouldn't be allowed to become doctors' theory, he was awesome. So it was back to picking one with an Asian-sounding name. My philosophy is that the nerdy little Chinese kids who were busy studying hard in while everyone else was doing sports or getting drunk on the weekends, are better doctors. Anyway - long, long story short... my ears are fine.

Next on the agenda was a chiropractor appointment. Have stayed away from this sort of witch doctory for years because -in my opinion- there are better options but the constant 'go see the guy I go to' from the GF was almost as bad as the back/shoulder/neck pain itself. Forty-five minutes of questions and some tests revealed that my back is in fact fucked, owing to a whole bunch of lifestyle factors including: bad posture, bad sleeping position, too long sitting at the computer and some other stuff I already knew. Anyway long, long story short... if you're the guy who lost control of his grandads Falcon whilst doing a burnout and got airborne across the traffic island to collide with me back in April '99 - this is ALL your fault. Additionally, you're also partially responsible for millions of masturbations around the world because Orsm probably would never have existed otherwise so don't feel too bad.

A crime against common decency was committed that evening. With The Breakfast Club loaded into the DVD player for a night on the couch, I set about creating a feast of gnocchi's and garlic bread for the girls and I. The goal was to take the GB to an experimental and possibly harmful level. So... peel and chop entire head of garlic, mix with butter and secret ingredient, apply liberally to bread, bake, eat. Not only was I successful in creating one of the most deliciously toxic things in the history of garlic, it also ensured that repeated mouthwash, brushing, chewing parsley and a whole tin of mints over the next 24 hours were useless in masking my noxious breath. Magic.

Early start Saturday to acquire veg from a farmers market thing. Significant because it was the first time I've had to leave the house in jeans since last winter. In other words - it's starting to get cold. Next was the house design meeting I warned you guys about. We're now/finally more or less done... only waiting for my brother to get his shit done. Surely can't take too long...

The afternoon was spent at the pub celebrating a mates birthday and a baby announcement before heading home to get ready for an engagement party. Have lost count of how many engagements I've been to over the years but they're all essentially the same thing - food, family, friends, middle-aged women wearing loose clothing the only ones dancing, alcohol, speeches, thank you's, cake and can we go now...?

We came across a car accident on the drive home. Three Jap cars [obviously] racing on the freeway had wiped each other out and were destroyed to varying degrees. Makes the fourth smash I've happened upon in the last two weeks. Not bad considering how little I'm on the road and explains why I'm paranoid someone is going to nail me again soon. Almost unbelievable I had to get on the horn three times just driving to the party to avoid being cleaned up by yet another moronic Perth driver. If updates should suddenly stop without reason it's more than likely one of them got me OR I've been locked up for road raging.

Sunday was surprisingly relaxing. No need to rush out of bed, no plans, just a few bits and pieces to do in no particular hurry. First stop was the city to down smash some dim sum, shoe shopping, north to drop some stuff in our storage unit, a hardware store run and home by mid-afternoon. Was time to put the veg sourced earlier in the weekend to use by concocting the motherload of soup thereby covering lunches for the next couple of weeks. That somehow took the better part of three hours but we're talking 7-8 litres of wholesome, healthy goodness. A last minute invite that filled the house with friends and kids that night to devour the soup which made for an agreeable end to an agreeable weekend.

Alright enough of the blog waffle. Let's do this. Check it...

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Pretentious Game - Star Wars Babes - Moment Man - What A Cunt - Epic Weapon - A Dickload - Mods Gone Bad - 10/10

Sweet LeeLee - Umm Okay - Dirty Bitch - Anal Accident - It Takes Two - Nassssty - Absolute Scum - Trailer Trash

Damaged Goods - Prawn Cock - Spandex Miley - Fatties Fight - Instant Death - Photog Down - Awful Porn - Dumb Bitch

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion. "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing" her husband replied "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
My wife and I have been arguing whether to spank our six year old daughter. I say yes but my wife says we should wait until she's done something wrong.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick" said the woman to the lover "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone" said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said "those little bastards!"
I texted my boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered "I don't know". I replied "I'm not coming in this morning".
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer "I'm a frayed knot".


Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles... or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin".

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I said 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said 'A pumpkin? Shit!! ... is it midnight already?'"

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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr Teacozy !" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!" "Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy" he replied. "How big is your army?" "Right now" says Paddy, after a moment"s calculation "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command". "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor". Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke". "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you!"

As promised Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy "I will have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war". "Really? I am sorry to hear that" says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well" says Paddy "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".


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An actual letter taken from the Times Of India. Response to a 'marriage proposal' advertisement...

Dear Colleen Huebsch,

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely and easily.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my balls because they bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy and I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking cigarettes or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb bells in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands every day. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hands.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation. Expecting soon.

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary Warraich,
Born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab

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A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir". Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes sir?" Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

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I had two choices yesterday's ANZAC Day public holiday: 1) work like a bastard and get the update done like usual; or 2) nix Reader Mail and chill out a bit. It really wasn't a hard decision and I'll absolutely pay for it next week. All worth it. Anyway to keep you guys amused here's a whole shitload of videos. Check 'em...

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied "only a little while". The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor".

The American scoffed "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NY where you will run your expanding enterprise".

The Mexican fisherman asked "But senor, how long will this all take?" The American replied, "15-20 years". "But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions. "Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos..."

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It was just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is rolling in and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It's a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what appears to be a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming "I want a bitch with herpes".

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "I said I want a bitch with herpes!" snaps the child.

"Well I'm afraid we don't have any ladies that fit that description" replies the Madam. "I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes" says the boy, putting $1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth $1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, dragging the dead frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the past hour "Why did you want a whore with herpes?"

"Well" explains the boy "My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I'm going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he's going to fuck her. Then he's going home to fuck my mum. In the morning she's going to fuck the milkman. He's going to fuck his wife, she's going to fuck her boss, he's going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she's going to fuck my headmaster and HE'S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!"


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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him his freedom as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if after a year he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants" she answered "is to be in charge of her own life". Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... if you don't let a woman have her own way... things are going to get fucking ugly!!

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A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies "No, because she is in heat". "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage".

The little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, can I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you". Dad said "Bring Belle over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "Okay you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block".

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked "Where's Belle?" The little girl said "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home".


I can hardly believe it myself but this is the end of the update. You probably have some questions and they can all be answered by reading this last bit...

-Check out the site archives. Honestly - why wouldn't you?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Blerg!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fucking knife you cunt!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't drive on the footpath. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.04.19-18.57
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Welcome to Orsm.net. People love when I fart.

Up until last week I had pay TV. It's been on for a couple of years after being closed by a catchy promotion but decided to pull the plug because the amount we actually watch TV doesn't come close to justifying the cost. Oh and there's hardly ever anything worth watching. So I call the cable company [Foxtel], navigate through to a 'loyalty consultant' and explain I want it gone. He said that was no problem and slipped in to some casual conversation about our viewing habits whilst processing my request. Of course it's a sales ploy that eventually leads to him suggesting a different package with fewer channels. I say no and without skipping a beat he offers to halve my bill for three months... you know - because he can do it for 'special' customers. [FYI this should work for anyone not locked into a contract]. Sounded fair so I agreed. A few days later, after not having switched the TV on once, I called back to disconnect - even at half price it's a waste of money if it doesn't get used right? Ended up talking to the same very smooth consultant who this time convinced me to suspend the service at no cost... you know - because he can do it for 'special' customers.  Got to hand it to them or at least this one Indian - he could have sold me porn. Looking forward to what they try when I call back to cancel before it automatically reactivates.

The main downside of no pay TV is being forced back to commercial television. A good example was earlier this week. Instead of some crappy movie or Man Vs Food, I had to endure the Aussie version of 'The Voice'. Firstly - holy fucking shit. My infatuation with reality TV ended when Big Brother was tragically cancelled in 2008. Clearly just in the nick of time too because there seem to be some pretty big differences in what in what TV networks and I believe constitutes entertainment these days. No wonder file sharing is so prolific. Secondly - you fucking SUCK, Delta Goodrem.

Moving on from the social commentary, I think you guys should be forced to endure something too. How do a few riveting paragraphs about my life sound...? Seriously though, if your mouse has a scroll wheel now would be the time to use it...

To save precious keystrokes I should've just cut and paste the bit from last week's update about how Saturday began - another meet with the designer guy to go over house plans. Matter of fact it's how this coming Saturday is going to kick off too. Consider yourselves warned. From there it was home where a meltdown about how being perpetually busy is breaking me took place, before heading out to fix a mates computer, then off to meet friends at the ultimate café in the universe. A much needed quiet night in was hampered by the TV breaking again. I miss the old days of one box, one remote. All the shit you need now just overcomplicates things. Panel, amp, STB, DVD, media-hub and so on. In other words, you need seven fucking remotes to watch the news... and if you should accidentally press a button on one of them the whole shebang suddenly becomes useless.

Sunday was a brunch thing with the old gang. As it becomes harder and harder to get anyone together these days, it was a nice and relaxing way to kick off the day whilst gorging on a variety of sweet and savoury items which containing absolutely no nutritional value. Ended up hanging around until mid-afternoon and watching the football, then home to let a mate in to fix the aforementioned TV issues and then out again to recon a display home which is kind of similar to what we're hoping to end up with. I lay contently on the couch that evening watching a movie that I chose. No chick flicks or compromising. Probably the best Sunday night all year and went a long way to starting the week relaxed for a change. Good weekend was good.

Okay let us proceed with the update. I can say with some certainty that it is without a doubt the finest update I've done all week and if it keeps you from whatever else it is you're supposed to be doing then my work here is done. Check it...

Egg-splosive - Selfshot & Hot - The Truth - Kitty Trollin' - Sick Bastard - Rihanna Nip - Sweet Justice - Porn Meltdown

Japan WTF - Webcam Babe - Squirting Sluts - Sucker Punch - Orgasm Fail - Touch My Boobs - Party Sluts

Bouncy Titties - Unkempt Pussy - Drunk Lezzies - Slaaaap!! - Skull Fucked - Crazy Shit - Sunny Shag - Saggy Tits

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died. After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport. "You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!" The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?" "Because I have shit running up my neck!!"
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair".
I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad".
People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right". The man thanked the little boy and said "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven". The little boy replied with a chuckle.  "Awww come on... you don't even know how to get to the fucking Post Office!"



Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

Accused of selling drugs, Howard Jones's attorney sought to lower his client's bail from $150,000 insisting that Jones would not think about fleeing. At that very instant, Jones sprinted out of the front door of the courtroom. He was caught fifty minutes later and his bail was raised to $500,000.

Charged with drug-possession, Christopher Johns claimed that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer did not need a warrant because a bulge in Johns' jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense" said Christopher who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day. When he handed the judge the jacket, a bag of cocaine fell out.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

After being arrested for stealing a car, the judge asked the man "How do you plead?" Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

A group of Mexican drug traffickers cleverly decided to use a propane tanker to cross the border from Mexico to El Paso, Texas. They released the propane and concealed it within the truck 6,240 pounds of marijuana. The men did not realise, however, that they had misspelled the name of the gas company.

In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate, Worth Bohnke, sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of Success Magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of tradition" said one.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recogniSed his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

In a small town of 1700, a student attempted to rob the local convenience store wearing his letterman's jacket. He did not realise that he was the only male named Dana in the whole town.

A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4.5 years in jail.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A man was arrested after throwing a brick into the Plexiglas window of a jewellery store. The brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police arrived.

Burglars in Maryland tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

A man spoke frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted "this is her husband!"

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Pulling up to the toll booth Jack hands the collector a $100 bill. Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaims "I can't break this! I need exact change". "Come on buddy". Jack pleads "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answers the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asks the collector "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills" replies the collector "what do you do for a living?" he asks. Still counting change and without looking up Jack says "I'm a rectum stretcher".

"A what?" asks the collector. "A rectum stretcher". Jack replies, giving the collector a sideways glance. "What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asks. "Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums". Jack explains setting aside a nickel. "Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asks. "Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend" Jack says.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asks "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?" "How big do I stretch them?" Jack interrupts. "Most of them, not too big" He continues "but I have stretched some up to six feet".

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaims eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole!?" Jack, having counted out the exact change, hands the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answers "Oh usually just put them on bridge collecting tolls".


A well-dressed man went into a bar and ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don't think I know you". The second man said "You do, it's me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down".

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened, Martin??" Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete, all in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex you know men shagging men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work... just me, the wife and the kids".

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The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months" the wife replies "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late for work. I'm late, so the boss asks me 'So are we going to dock your salary or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'".

"So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more". The doctor thinks for a second. "So" he says "are we going to tell your husband... or what?"

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Haven't seen such a large influx of email at least since the last time there was such a large influx of email. Funny that...

If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

Rich P wrote:
Subject: Shellfish video
Just an FYI...that shellfish video you posted this week is of a "Mantis shrimp". It's the only creature it's size that can strike with such power. Because the speed of their strike is approx. equivalent to a .22 cal bullet, they actually produce a cavitation effect that hits their prey a second time after the initial strike. They are well known for splitting open thumbs & fingers of fishermen, as well as breaking aquarium glass... bad ass little critters!

John O wrote:
Subject: Treyvon Martin Commentary
ORSM, Not sure if this has made the news in Australia, but in Florida, USA, a neighborhood watch person shot and killed an unarmed black kid called Treyvon. Initially, the shooter wasn't charged, but after Barack stepped in, a special prosecutor was named and the shooter is now charged with 2nd degree murder. This commentary sums it up.

Have been following the story since it happened. Still can't figure it out why it's caused such a stir. -Orsm

Bill wrote:
Subject: body cast
Wonder what she broke (pelvis?) and how she broke it?...

Challenge mode: find the pussy. -Orsm

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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Dog braves traffic
why did you kill my best friend...

This is why dogs are better than humans. -Orsm

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Troy wrote:
Subject: reader mail
Hi Mr Orsm, I'm a long time reader, second time contributor and I thought you might like to see this photo of the back window of my mates car. When I saw it, I laughed so hard I nearly spilt my beer, then took a photo. Hope you enjoy. Regards, Troy
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C-Loser wrote:
Subject: Very Clever!
This one is the BEST I have seen so far !!!!! Instructions: 1. Stare at the red dot on the girl's nose for 30 seconds. 2. Turn your eyes to a plain surface (your ceiling or blank wall). 3. Blink repeatedly and quickly. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...tell me if that isn't the coolest thing?
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Huge Advantage
There is an advantage: When you change your wife, you can still keep the same photo on your desk.
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Buckley the dud

So fucking funny. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Holy Shit - ORSM......hide my details

I got nothing. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: this may be good for the site
I found this while reading about the tornado's in the plains, and I thought to myself.. is this really a time to try to pick up girls? Notice Richard trying to get a date on a tornado thread. must be a sad sad man.. hide the details please

For anyone who doesn't get that it's Single White Male In Search Of Single White Female. -Orsm

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Gene wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Always been a big fan (for a long, long time). I've never stumbled upon anything to send along that hadn't already been viral somewhere else. I found these on facebook. I thought they were funny. You're the expert though.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: The "little" things in life
Certainly some unusual and 'special' photos among these. More than just a photo – no words needed

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
cheating irish wife 48 years old please hide details thanks

Someone please show me a hot Irish woman. Are there any...? -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter - some pretty good photos!
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Bull Fighter Fights Back
Spanish matador Juan José Padilla, 38, suffered a horrific goring during a bullfight last October. "The bull knocked me over. I fell, and he rammed his horn into my head, below the left ear. The horn came out again through the eye socket," he recalls. "There was blood everywhere. I still remember how I stood up and picked up my eye off the sand." Surgeons implanted titanium plates and tissue in addition to reconstructing Padilla's nose, jaw, cheekbone and eye socket. "I can no longer hear in my left ear," Padilla says. "My jaw doesn't close well. My tongue is numb, and the entire left side of my face is paralyzed and devoid of all sensation." After only five months, Padilla returned to the ring on March 4 in the western Spanish town of Olivenza. He killed two bulls and was carried out of the ring on the shoulders of fellow bullfighters. "Injuries are my medals," Padilla says. "Now I've won the gold."

Austin wrote:
Subject: And these people vote!!!!
This is absolutely unbelievable even for California! It needs to go viral so that Americans can see what is happening in this country. Look what's happening in California! SEIU... Obama's biggest supporters... God Help Us!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My trip to Mexico
Cheers!! Just got back from a trip to Mexico!!! Here are some funny and odd pictures I took along the way.

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luis wrote:
Subject: el video de cogote y miguel
the nape and miguel video

I went searching for info about this one. It's either Paraguayan or Argentinian so the audio probably won't be understandable to most of us but the shame and embarrassment is clear. -Orsm

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: get this before they take it down
the truth comes out. if you use it in reader mail, hide my details. after what they are doing to Zimmerman, i dont need them looking for me.
click to watch video

Brendan wrote:
Subject: 80 Series landcruiser Rollover
Here's a video from our easter trip away. The 80 series was attempting to snatch out our mate in the navara when it all went wrong. Worst part is we didn't even know the bloke in the landcruiser, he was just trying to help us! Hide deatils mate. Catch. [Youtube link here]

Hope you guys offered him a tow... -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!



Much has been made to do regarding an alleged scandal this week over actions of the US Secret Service advance team in Cartagena. According to insiders, in addition to setting up security for President Obama, the advance was there to investigate alternative aspects of one of the key topics for the meeting - The Free Trade Agreement.

The Secret Service advance team initiated an "undercover" operation to determine the viability of a short term stimulus package for the economic development in the region and to development relations which might provide greater insight as how to improve the flagging economy of the state of Nevada, whose "ranches" have been devastated by the current recession - an important initiative of Senator Harry Reid.

"Once we arrived in Cartagena, we went to the experts in this field and were met with eager enthusiasm" stated lead agent Willie B. Draggen (pseudonym). "Our "behind the scenes" negotiations apparently took a dirt road when some of our agents offered a stimulus package that did not met the expectations of the parties involved and was deemed too painful for them to complete. In our attempts to "rectify" the disagreement, the other party became insulted and asked us to pull out of the exchange. We agreed to do so, but apparently some of our group had advanced individual efforts that could not be terminated without some form of economic compensation".

It was this apparent disagreement over the compensation and the failure to register the "independent lobbyists" that eventually made it in to the media spotlight.

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, immediately announced that this was a common practice during the Clinton years and that this was evidenced by claims of the lobbyists that they had previously welcomed Clinton's advance with very little friction. Carney further claimed that the participating lobbyists were adamant in their dislike of the previous administration as evidence by their chants of "NO BUSH!"

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A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life" says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward".

The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some golf clubs would be nice" he says.

Two weeks later, the sheikh's secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs" she says "but the sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools".


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Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for the past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top off, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing to his own pits "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" She responded "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms".

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" Once more "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs".

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" She then asked in a loud voice "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

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Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, pervert?" she says. The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man".

The girl replies "Awwwww you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says "Two nil motherfucker, your turn".


I can't go on... for today anyway. You can further your quest for whatever by reading below and shutting the fuck up...

- Check out the site archives. Want me to say it again...?
- Next update will be next Четврток.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray make you fuck those fags fron One Direction.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ummm... I got nothing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.04.12-19.00
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Welcome to Orsm.net. All units Irene. Say again, Irene.

The Easter holiday is the one I most look forward to. Christmas and NY's and blah blah is all well and good although they don't hold the same allure as this particular break. Not sure why - probably something to do with childhood memories of family caravan trips away and the fact its four whole days off. Ideally, the weekend should be about taking some time to reset and catch up with friends. If there's alcohol involved that's okay too. Of course ideally rarely materialises and this one ended up more about endless computer problems. If some higher power is trying to tell me something then the message may be starting to get through...

The first issue came literally the moment I upped the new update Thursday with the server inexplicably fucking itself so what was supposed to be a night of drunken antics at the pub, ended up keeping me at the computer until the wee hours. Apols to anyone who has tried to tune in recently and found Orsm offline. March would have been the biggest traffic month ever had it not been for the downtime so I feel confident saying it's a symptom of growing pains and we're working our arses off to sort it out.

Friday began with a loose end so decided to get my NAS setup again. I crapped on about this last year when it failed spectacularly, taking to oblivion all my precious photos and whatever else. It's taken me this long to admit defeat in recovering every/anything and get the hard drives warrantied. Anyway the idea was to [caution: nerd language imminent] upgrade firmware on all five drives and to do this I had to pull my PC apart, hook them up one by one and do whatever. Foolishly whilst trying to figure out what to do I unplugged one of them which made the computer freeze. Hit reset and suddenly there are messages about RAID having failed. Uh oh. A whole lot of intensive Googling and downloading various recovery programs followed before I realised it was nothing more than a loose cable. Push the dickfuckcunt back in all in the world was again okay... all it cost me was half the fucking day. I desperately needed some time to zone out so set about washing the vehicle. Four glorious hours of degreasing, rubbing, vacuuming, wiping, and waxing finally had my baby looking better than it has in forever. Came close to putting myself in a diabetic coma later that afternoon after discovering the joys of dipping unmelted chocolate in melted chocolate. This heinous act was backed up with a Good Friday friendly banquet of fish and chips and some QT with friends.

Yet another session with the house designer guy started Saturday's proceedings. Thankfully the fucker is finally starting to take shape. Never thought I would lose so much of my life trying to work out where a toilet should go. From there it was off to gather grocery items. Somewhere in there I got a call from a mate saying emails to me were bouncing. Here we go again. Get home and spend the next however long trying to clear my Gmail which had hit capacity at 26Gb. The last time it happened was November in 2010. Staggeringly - from then until now you guys have hit me with around 47,000 emails. Didn't achieve too much for the rest of the duration except for some motherfucking [chocolate] egg shopping and dinner with the girls.

With an empty inbox, I soon realised that efforts to sort my email problems had failed so I dedicated a chunk of Sunday morning towards solving. Success came eventually and it was off to a family Easter lunch which saw the consumption of several types of animal, various desserts and of course chocolate. Thankfully it was a stress free affair too... something rare for my fam. Managed to bail by 4ish, destination mother dearest and then onto another [not my] family BBQ. If there's one thing the weekend managed to instil, it was that I don't like food/eating anymore.

Really didn't want to waste Monday... which was a shame because there wasn't much choice. Orsm server stuff dominated as well as various update related stuff. All notions of escaping the house for a cruise or even some light exercise didn't materialise. The only reprieve was late afternoon to grab some dinner before toddling off to meet -again- with the designer guy all evening.

Can't help but feel the whole weekend was a wasted opportunity. Last Easter combined with Anzac Day to deliver five days of pubs, wineries and relaxing with mates down south... one of the most memorable holidays I've ever had. This one looked more like rise of the machines with me starring as John Connor. There was at least a some joy - the pooch came home from the vet on Tuesday. Knee has been repaired, lumps removed and the heart issues I was warned about aren't dire. As warned, the bill was horrendous but glad to have her home. The place just felt weird without the furry presence and it was odd to not be harassed at 5pm every day for dinner or be forced to spend a few minutes scratching ears, then belly, then chest, then head before bed.

Alright so how about we get on with the update? I have no qualms saying this one is a fucking cracker... but what else am I going to say right? Something like "This update is a fucking shitty piece of crappy fuck" would essentially mean my week and life's work was wasted.  Maybe I'm overthinking things. Check it...

Egg-stinction - Epic Cleavage - Gianna Buckles - Total Demolition - Huge Idiot - Where My Phone?! - Hating Cum

Miley's Pussy - Too Much Cawk - Funny Dykes - Loses Her Shit - Mean Girls - Bait & Switch - W-T-Fuck - Banged Up

Eating Her Out - Face Sliddde - Devil's 3some - Avalanche!! - Funny Cumshot - Nip Slippage - Fistage - Destroy Her

A pregnant women nearing full term goes to the doctor for a check-up. After an examination the doctor asks "Mrs Anderson do you want the good news or the bad news?" Clutching her swollen belly she says "The bad news of course, doctor". The doctor replies "Your baby is a red head". The lady smiles and falls back into her chair with relief. "That's alright... my husband has red hair. What's the good news?" "The baby is dead".
I was sitting with my blonde girlfriend on the couch when she said "I think my boobs are too small. I'm going to get a boob job". I replied saying, "I think my hands are too small". She asked "Do you want a hand job?" Yup, she's a keeper.
Half of our population have a sex addiction. The other half have vagina's.
I'm running a campaign to donate 1000 malaria nets to remote villages in Africa. Hopefully this will stop thousands of mosquito's dying needlessly of AIDS.
What's the best thing about shagging 28 year olds? There's 20 of them...
So I saw a black guy walking down the street carrying a TV. I thought to myself 'Hey, that kinda looks like mine!' Then i remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.


So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though - he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and venture out into the world to make something of himself, just like the humans do.

So the wasp enrols in school and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean's list, with honours and all that. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in - the newspaper, rowing, student government and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him. He goes on to get two PhD's and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma.

How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide.

Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it. Sure enough, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well - he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts whilst in the White House.

After eight years and two terms the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp's departure, but they all know it's what must be done.

Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realises that he hasn't been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realises how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there's an extremely long line. He decides it's worth the wait so gets in line.

One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he's ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it's not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but whaddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line - fruit punch!

So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there's no punch line.

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A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill in March for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $ 0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

-Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
-Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
-Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
-Pay the claimant's court costs; and
-Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00



DEAR ABBY... a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY... what can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on My VCR?

DEAR ABBY... I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY... I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY... I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY... our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY... my forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY... I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

DEAR ABBY... I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY... will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY... do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY... this is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

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A guy is in an unfamiliar town during his tour of the country. He is a bit tired and thirsty and sees an untoward looking rural 'watering hole'. He enters and approaches the bartender and demurely asks for a beer. With a slam on the bar, he receives his beer.

While he takes a thirst quenching swallow he notices a jar full of money, mostly notes. He asks the bartender if that is for tips. The bartender replies by saying "If you put your money in the jar, venture out the back and talk to the donkey out there and make it laugh you could win some money".

The guy was not shy so he placed his money in the jar and was shown out to the donkey. Moments later the whole population of this bar heard a raucous bray that could only be the donkey laughing. The guy comes back out and collects his jar of money and leaves.

A year later the same guy is returning from his journey and passes the same 'watering hole' as thirsty as he was the last time. He enters and orders a beer just like he had before, as he takes a long refreshing mouthful he notices the same jar that he had emptied a year before. He laughs and says to the bartender "Do I have to go out there and make the donkey laugh again?" The bartender says "No" and explains that the rules have changed since the guy was last there. The guy asks "What do I have to do for the jar of money now?" The bartender smiles and says "Put your money in the jar, go out there and make the donkey cry".

The guy thinks about it while he downs the last of his beer, gets up, puts his money in the jar and walks out the back to the donkey. Moments later everyone heard an eerie sound, like a donkey crying.

A minute later the guy walks out and grabs the jar of money. Bartender says "Wait... before you take the money please tell us how you made the donkey laugh". Guy looks at him and says "I told him that my dick is bigger than his".

The bartender understood how the donkey could find that amusing so asked "How did you make it cry then?" They guy with an ironic smile said "I showed him" and walked away with the jar of money.

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Reader Mail has cranked this week with various bits and pieces coming from every corner of the globe. Keeping with form it was an impossible task deciding what was to make the cut and end up on the main page but I'm sure you'll all be amused and entertained with what's below. If you'd like to contribute and possibly have your bits and pieces ogled by hundreds of thousands of people then we're always happy to see pictures, videos, jokes or pretty much anything else that you can stick in an email. How? Just drop me a line here!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hockey players have all the fun
This is a pic of a 19 yearold kid playing in his second year in the NHL. Please withold my info

This one is doing the rounds like crazy and why wouldn't it? We all love sluts. -Orsm

click to enlarge
psycheman wrote:
Subject: Why I don't shop at Kohl's
Wonder if this occurs in OZ? Men, be very careful when you shop at Kohl's! I have quit shopping here!
click to enlarge

Hacki wrote:
Subject: Random Picture
Hey man, i found this dog Toy in a Supermarkt on the canarian island La Palma. Crazy spanish guys. BR.

For those times your dog is feeling frisky and your leg just won't do... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Willie wrote:
Subject: Not sure this should be in the kids toy section
Is this orsm.net? My Mum loves your shit. I was looking for a birthday present for my 3 yr old niece a while back. Looking in the kids toy section, found this:

So how did she like it...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Address - Name of Road
Orsm, Greetings. Took a tour up through the interior of Alberta, Canada last week. How would you like your address to be on this road?? (Please show no name / details.) Take care.

I imagine the street would smell delicious. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: And in the category of poorly placed advertising
Ya know, with hold the details... Keep up the great work ol' boy, you're an internet legend.
click to enlarge
Neil wrote:
Subject: Grooms
I'm not a nice person
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Photographed by Telkom Technicians in Stanger KZN. Did he crush more than he could swallow?

Well that's going to haunt my dreams for a while. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Evolution of a model
It happens to all of them....
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Austin wrote:
ADD 2011 THE THIRD CHRISTMAS IN A ROW IN HAWAII AND THE COST WENT FROM 12,000/DAY TO 63,000/DAY TO 117,000/DAY. NICE IF WE (THE TAXPAYER) CAN AFFORD IT – ISN'T IT? Yet more good reasons to throw his sorry ass out......
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What does Virgin Mean... Mum
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Ed wrote:
Subject: Bizarre bit of American Naval History
From November 1943, until her demise in June 1945, the American destroyer 'William D. Porter' was often hailed - whenever she entered port or joined other Naval ships - with the greetings: "Don't shoot, we're Republicans!'. For a half a century, the US Navy kept a lid on the details of the incident that prompted this salutation. A Miami news reporter made the first public disclosure in 1958 after he stumbled upon the truth while covering a reunion of the destroyer's crew.

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Borce wrote:
Orsm, Been a huge fan of yours ever since i can remember. Was in Vegas this past weekend and I thought you might like this video of this hammered dude dancing his ass off!!!
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nandos Advert
Hi Orsm, Great site, I have been a loyal supporter since 2000. Here is the New Nando's advert shown in South-Africa. It's called "The Last Dictator". It features: 1.Robert Mugabe, 2. Muammar Gaddafi, 3. Mao Zedong, 4. Saddam Hussein, 5. PW Botha, 6. Idi Amin
click to watch video
click to enlarge
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Golf ball hitting a steel wall at 150 MPH..
Golf Ball hitting steel at 150 mph. This one you will not believe, but @ 70,000 pictures a second, it will make you a believer. Whether you are a golfer or not, this is pretty amazing. I thought golf balls were fairly hard. Golfers and non golfers will be interested in seeing this. No one has a swing speed of 150 mph, including Tiger Woods who is just under 130 mph. I had no idea the golf ball compresses this much. But first a little history I recently learned: 1 - The Pro V-1 golf ball by Titleist is actually a three part ball, but you have to have a club head speed of at least 100 mph or more to be able to compress all three stages. If you don't the ball never fully compresses and you don't get the distance out of it that the pro's do. 2 – We duffers will get more distance out of a ball that only has two stages of compression, like the Titleist NX Tour. It is more suited to our swing speed and we can compress it upon impact and can hit it further than the Pro V-1 ball. 3 - So the secret is not to buy the most expensive balls out there because we are actually decreasing the distance we can hit the ball, unless your club head speed is over 100 mph, which unless you are 21 to 50 years old, isn't going to happen!!! Watch this video, this shows what a golf ball goes through when hit at 150 mph, it's amazing to me how long these balls last. Maybe that's why the Pros use new balls ever time they play. Remember, it's 70,000 frames per second.

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


The first time I ever partied hard for Spring Break was my senior year in college. Despite my academic achievements and good looks, my shyness had gotten the better of me in the dating game, and alas, I had just barely lost my virginity before the trip. I was determined to live a little and see what kind of crazy sex they had down in Mexico.

After slipping a few pesos to a beggar in Cozumel, he told me about a classy brothel that catered specifically to tourists on vacation. The girls, he said, were clean, beautiful, and best of all, spoke English. I gave the man a few more coins before hailing a cab.

Upon entering the Cozumel Brothel, I was greeted by an gorgeous, dark-haired woman. I explained to her that I hadn't had much sexual experience but was looking to try something new while in Mexico. She smiled, nodded, and after explaining the fees, led me up the stairs to room number 6.

Maria was her name. She was even more beautiful than the madam. She explained in the sexiest voice I had ever heard, while slowly removing her stocking and corset, that we'd be enjoying the '69'.
She assumed the position above me and began to stroke my cock with one hand while licking my tip in a circular motion. Her free hand caressed my thigh, then, once I got hard, began to fondle my nuts in a way I never imagined. She lowered her ass slowly - it smelled amazing.

Suddenly, I felt a puff of air on my eyeball, like an eye-doctor's glaucoma test. My eyes began to water and my nose wrinkled as an awful smell came over me. I moved my head to the side for a bit to catch my breath and noticed an empty tin on the nightstand. The only words I could make out were "refried pinto beans". I tried to forget it and concentrate on the amazing head I was getting.

Admittedly, the fart she let slip killed the mood, but only for a moment. Soon, I was back in action, found her clit, and was really going to town. Her oooh's and ahhh's were getting more intense. I had almost forgotten about the bean can when another 'puff' of air hit me. This time it made noise, and there was more of it. By now, she was really trying to get me off, and in her efforts, let rip yet another fart. I coughed and spat, turning my head from side to side.

"Please, please stop". I said "I'll pay you what I owe, but I just can't stand another 66 of those".

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The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says "So dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive". "Don't worry about it Dad - I'll send Air Force One and a limousine will pick you up at your door".

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?" Oh Dad" replies Susan "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington". "Honey" dad complains "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat". The President-to-be responds "Don't worry Dad. The best caterer in Washington will handle the entire affair, Ill ensure your meals are salt free. You and mum just have to be there".

So dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's dad and mum. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States". The Senator whispers back "You bet I do". Dad says proudly "Her brother played football at Ohio State".


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At some point in a bloke's life... it comes down to this.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said 'Do whatever you want'... so, here I am".

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Once there were these three guys traipsing through the jungle. They haven't eaten in days and had to ration their water. Then out of nowhere they came across this pleasant little house (for some reason in the middle of the jungle) and decided to knock on the door to see if the owner had any food to give.

An old, ugly horror of a lady answered the door. She said "I'll let you have all the food you want if one of you will have sex with me". They went back and quickly drew straws... of course one poor sap got the shortest and stumbled in like he just was going to his execution. When he went into the house only to find it filled with delicious looking fruits, pasta dishes, mashed potatoes, exotic birds fixed every way shape and form, rare steak and every variety of ramen that's ever existed.

The woman cleared off the table and disrobed. He asked her to put a blindfold on he wouldn't be able to get it up otherwise. So she put one on and then spreads open her horrible overgrown cactus-like bush. Disgusted, he picked the scabs off of her pooty and throws them out the window. He then picks up a cucumber from the table and looked away while he steadily screwed her with the makeshift vegetable penis.

After a while, after an earth shattering orgasm, she was satisfied and he got all the food he could carry and came out to find his waiting friends. The two other guys said "More food!? Those soggy potato chips and that cucumber already filled us up...!!"


Done... and done. All the answers to your questions about who, what, when, how, where, why and oh-so-much more can be found below.

- Check out the site archives. They're waiting for you now.
- Next update will be delivered post haste some time next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put the fuel prices up again.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and BLERG! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.04.05-19.17
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Easter happy.

So two shitty weeks in a row is where I'm at and my face is sore. This only really happens when I clench my teeth a lot. I only really clench my teeth when I'm stressed and I only really get stressed when there's something worth stressing about. You with me?  I'll get to the all what's been going on in a minute. There's also an underlying sense of miserableness in the air. Everyone just seems down which I have no doubt has been brought about by arrival of the shitty weather. Rain and cold are creeping in and whilst the sun hasn't completely fucked off, winter looms. That said, I'm pretty sure the world isn't ending, I haven't been eaten by a shark or crocodile and the Easter long weekend starts the exact moment this update goes live. Four whole days of relaxing and chocolate beckon and that is awesome.

I'll dispense with the social commentary about whatever and slip in to events making up my life over the last week. Let's face it... I'm far more interesting than pretty much every other possible thing anywhere ever... so let's begin with Friday...

The days entertainment came early during some morning exercise. As I got up near the local school I heard shouting. Took a minute to see where it was coming from - ended up being an Aboriginal couple having a very heated argument, her following, him trying to get away. Topics included: money she owed him, allocation of profits from their drug dealing enterprise and her lesbian activities whilst he was incarcerated. Honestly don't think I've ever heard a 'lady' use the term 'fucking dog cunt' so many times, particularly near a school. All class. It ended when the 200mtr walk was too much for her lungs and she pulled up a park bench to cough up some phlegm. Oddly, he turned around and came back to sit with her and the fighting continued. Oh how the other half live...

After declining a last-minute offer to head down south with friends for the weekend due to a couple of [apparently] unbreakable commitments, I made it my mission to not let the weekend suck or be boring any more than was beyond my control. My body must have got wind of this because wake up time was around 5 on Saturday. Got started with the runniest motherfucking eggs ever followed by a rapid grocery shop. Next was a couple of hours with the house designer guy. Honestly thought the process would be quicker but isn't turning out that way. Following was some errands and home to get sorted before departing for a housewarming. This little shindig was one of the unbreakable commitments and just happened to be about 40kms east in an area I would describe as 'the middle of fucking nowhere'. Of course I didn't know a single person there but thankfully not such a bad bunch of people and therefore not such a bad time.

Started Sunday with a painstakingly slow walk with the dog which may have been her last but I'll get to that. Next on the agenda was the Sun Fair - basically a whole bunch of stalls with products and services about sustainable living. Despite encountering a few insanely 'green' people selling god knows what I did actually manag to walk away with some good info and ideas. [Cheers Craig for the heads up]. Afterward it was on to a community festival thing just out of the CBD where they shut a whole street down and pack it with food, cupcakes, coffee, bands, cupcakes, dancing, crafts and cupcakes. Love stuff like that. The people watching and perv opportunities are abundant. From there we hit the markets to grab a box of veg and headed homeward. When we got home, the dog, who usually rushes to greet me was clearly having trouble. The tubby furball was badly limping and unable to put any weight on her rear left leg. Not good.

Monday was bedlam as I tried to get far enough ahead that the planned power outage for my street on Tuesday wouldn't totally fuck me so an early start preceded a feverish day doing update stuff before -again- meeting with the designer that night to go over some stuff and -again- coming home to spend the next few hours tap-tap-tapping away on the PC before falling asleep at my desk.

Tuesday was cunty and started with a vet appointment. A ten minute exam identified that the dog's leg was in fact fucked. Prognosis landed somewhere between a cruciate ligament, some other ligament, hip or bone cancer. He also found an irregular heartbeat and there were several lumps [one very large] which needed removal. So I left her with them to do x-rays and various other tests and went home to find the electricity still on... apparently overnight storms broke some stuff elsewhere and work was cancelled which means they're rescheduling and I'll have to squeeze two days into one some point soon. Fuckers. Finally got the call I'd been dreading late afternoon. The leg problem was a ligament and needs surgery. The lumps need surgery. The chest noises are due to an enlarged heart and will require ongoing medication. The x-rays also showed a badly arthritic hip which will need surgery at a later date. Oh and she'll have to stay there for at least a week. Total bill "somewhere in the mid $3000's". Going to hurt me almost as much as her but she's one of the family and I'd pay just about anything. This has been coming for a while. Poor dog has been slowing down almost by the day and I've been trying to keep her fit but looks like morning walks are done for her now. Just hope they fix her enough to go on for a few more years.

Okay enough enough. I knew it would be hard topping last week's update but gave it my best shot so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

Sooo Addictive - I Love This - Tan Lines FTW - Give Me One! - Girl Juice - Pussy Slip! - Today's WTF - Bad Lover

Hot As Fuck - Full Body Floss - No Lube - Jap Sluts - Ouccchhh! - Holy Fuck! - Lez-tastic - Intelect Fail - Bogans

Aggrieved - Amazing - School Brawl - Model Body - Gender Bender - Please Cum! - Perfection - The Gape

Bob goes to the doctor complaining he can't sleep at night. The doctor prescribes suppositories. "How quickly do they take effect?" says Bob. "Very quickly!" says the doctor. "How quickly?" "When you wake up in the morning, you'll still have your finger up your arse".
I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television and the internet were popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.
What does the new Apple iPad and Ben Cousins have in common... they can both stick their 4G up their arse...
My wife went into labour yesterday. As I sat there I began to see its head peering out. It was at this point I realised that this was it. The rest of it followed the head out with a few almighty squeezes. It was a beautiful moment as I stood up and noticed the sheer size of it. I took a deep sigh of relief that it was finally over. It was then that I decided to wipe my arse and head back in to see how my wife was doing.
Just been on bigbustycoons.com. Damn, those guys have really good buses.
Man driving down a road. Woman driving up same the road. They pass each other. Man shouts out the window "FUCKING BIG FAT COW". Woman shouts out window "FUCKING WANKER!" Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story? If only women would fucking listen.
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today. He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
A recent survey reported that one fifth of men do not know how to turn on the dishwasher. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering tends to do the trick.


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect so planned an exquisite French feast. At the very last minute however she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some.

He agreed begrudgingly, took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and say hi.

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed "Oh fuck!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of leaving snails scattered everywhere.

Then the door opened with a very angry wife standing appearing where on earth he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

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Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want". The first engineer nodded approvingly and said "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway".


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him".

He said "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime".

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them". The ophthalmologist added "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them".

They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know" Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while". "Well, I can oblige" says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

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Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She had only remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found a packet cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son get packed for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and make friend in the new community. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper and newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money with specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that Alice's cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mum. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh my" she wailed! She would be ostracised, gossiped about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant and the company upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say "Thank you, I baked it myself."

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

if you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

Bill wrote:
Subject: this week
Mr. Orsm. Just a few comments about this week's edition. It's interesting in your "embarrassed girls" that only one of them even attempted to hide her face. It would make more sense to hide your facial identity and let someone else figure out who the body belongs to. Also on the "Babe with the Killer legs" video, not only does "she" have killer legs but a dick as well!

I'm guessing your first instinct is to cover your privates... that and they probably didn't expect to end up on the internets. As for the killer legs... 'got' over 25k people with that one. -Orsm

Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Luton - England
What do you think if this happens to us dinky dye Aussies. Quite scary. Please watch, this very disturbing news-item from England carefully and ask whether this scene may be repeating itself in Canada, one day? Every MP and the Prime Minister has to see this and decide whether this should also be part of the in-famous "freedom of doing and saying anything" program. What is happening to this world ... WOW!

Can't we all just... get along? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: NIce Facebook gal
This little lady decided to post this on her wall. Hide the Tails Senior Orsm. Love your site!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: facebook post
Greeting from America! I've been checking your site out weekly for years, and finally have something you may enjoy. I found this posted on facebook this morning. Please hide my details. Thanks!

yet another reason never to leave your FB logged in where your mates can access it. -Orsm

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Aalim wrote:
Subject: Tiger in backseat
This shit kinda freaked me out when I first saw it lol

Mike Tyson's tiger...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
gday orsm... so ive been checking your site for 10 years now!! i still remember my friend introducing me to orsm.net at the tender age of 18. i had also consumed my first ever batch of mushrooms that evening(aug 02??), and believe it or not while we were grossing ourselves out watching a chick take a dump off a park bench into someone elses mouth. the shrooms set in! (i think that experience warped me forever). anyway... the site rocks. i check it every thursday night or sunday hangover morning so i think its time for me to contribute... there is plenty more but for now this will do. all the best. hide my deets plz
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G M wrote:
Subject: Pic
G'day Orsm, Found this on Facebook. I think it's gold, hehehe... Cheers.

Ooops. -Orsm

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colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Lambo in ferrari parking spot

I'd rather a Lambo. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: the onrable mister cousins
They keep coming... and why not??

There's a few references to Ben Cousins in today's update. Long story short - former Aussie football player was arrested with a quantity of drugs hidden up his butt. Story here. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff for your site....
May have sent these pic's to you before a couple years ago. Road sign posted outside of Mexico, Missouri. Apparently they've had some issues with wildlife in the past... Please withold my details
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Naughty bear
A baby bear made his mother angry. She tried to explain something to him in the corner and then shook him by the neck. But after that she then hugged him like a real mother. Wonderful pictures from the zoo in Simferopol.
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Formula 1 T shirts XXXX

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WOMEN
at the risk of offending people..... first world problems and other stuff thats all completely true about girls

So hilarious and true it's scary. -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
then beautiful rides of the past
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Kel wrote:
Subject: A New Record 1.54 Miles
A British Army soldier by the name of Corporal Craig Harrison, of the household Cavalry, set a new record for the longest shot in combat. Twice. Cpl. Harrison fired two shots at Taliban machine gunners in Afghanistan. They were confirmed via GPS to be 8,120 feet from Cpl Harrison's position. That is 1.54 miles. More than a mile and a half. To make it even more astounding, the range was almost 3,000 feet beyond what is considered the effective range of the weapon. At that range the bullet takes around 3 seconds to reach the target.

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James wrote:
Subject: RC Jet Turbine
Hey Orsm, You had on this week a clip of a jet turbine RC plane.... the following clip to me is a hell of a lot better! You actually appreciate what these things can do! These guys claim a top speed of 586Kmh. Go to youtube and punch in FPV RC and see what guys are doing there, its bloody awesome mate! [Youtube link here]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: how to waste taxpayers' money
Hey Orsm, Long time bla bla, A friend of mine was involved in creating this vid.. I think it highlights how badly we waste money without seeing it that way. Just my two cents.. Hide all my deets. thx [Youtube link here]

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Gabriel wrote:
Subject: Video I think you should post
Bulldogs big, fat flappy cheeks flappity flappin in the wind. Cute and funny. Please put up for next weeks update. Thank you. I love your site. Been a fan for years.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi Mr. ORSM
Hey there..... I'm quite a fan of your site. I found a new use for something that shouldn't be a sex toy. Anyway, I thought I would share. Feel free to post it on your site, but hide my details.
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Subject: video
The punk band spanish El Ultimo Ke zierre in tour mexico. The punks threw the door with a backhoe

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video
Hey there - Been watching and enjoying your site for a long time, so I thought I'd finally add to your shite pile (attached). Good thing she wasn't using a knife and fork. I laughed my ass off at this. Please hide details...
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Orsm Action Vid
Hey Mr Orsm, I have an Orsm Action Vid for you. Keep up the great work and as always thanks for your support [Youtube link here]

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr Bumbutu advised her "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies".

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?" "Yes I am... how did you know?" He winked and whispered "Hickory dickory dock..."

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000" the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon... why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said "One less lawyer..."


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Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every second line.

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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa".

The father asked "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do". The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this "God bless mummy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side".

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy".

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just had the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


Well that's all I got. Hope all you fuckers have a good Easter... but before you do that, this:

- Check out the site archives. Don't make me tell you twice.
- Next update will be next Thursday, should I deem it necessary.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will literally tear shreds off you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drive safe this weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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