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April 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.04.30-19.23

Welcome to being too tough to care.

I refuse to allow myself be yet another person bitching online about the execution of the two Australian drug smugglers in Indo. Covered my thoughts on this a few months back so no point rehashing but to paraphrase: wholly against it. Instead I'll be the person bitching about those who did the bitching. Had to frequently restrain myself from being dragged into the comments on various Facebook pages which are seemingly clogged with uneducated bogans devoid of empathy. And no I'm not a bleeding heart greenie - I support migrant boats being stopped, believe people should be made to help themselves and think the economy is at least [if not more] important than the environment... but I struggle to comprehend what kind of a person "hopes they hurry up and kill them so we can stop hearing about this shit". Oh sorry... sorry that efforts to save the lives of 2 human beings is clogging up your newsfeed. You people are utterly fucked.

Moving on. About 18 months ago I went into a store to find some parts. After several visits got chatty with the sales guy; a few 5 minute conversations about 'bloke' stuff ensued and never went back once I got the project finished but one particular thing he said which stuck in my head since was in regards to his wife's tummy... after popping out a few kids she'd apparently gained quite a bit of weight and "Now it just hangs". Those words conjured a mental picture of deformed FUPA and every time someone so much as breaths the word "caesarean", this girl I've never met is where my mind goes. So you can imagine my surprise when a car pulls up to the front of my house recently and this same guy hops out. Turns out his wife is my neighbour's niece. She's visits often and I often see her. The point to this story is be careful who you tell things to. Can only imagine how mortified she would be knowing her husband was sharing stories to random strangers about how her gut overhangs her caesarean scar...


Okay let's get on to weekendly activities. Saturday was ANZAC Day. A public holiday on which Aussies remember service men and woman killed in battle. One day I'll get up early enough to make it to a dawn service however with a toddler to consider this wasn't the year. Last year wasn't the year either nor were all the other ones before it. Maybe next year...? We instead headed out to motherfucking eggs for breakfast with friends long after the sun had come up. The rest of the day was swallowed up collecting the one piece of furniture remaining in storage. Spoke to a mate as I walked out the door saying I'd be home in a couple of hours and we would catch up then. 5 hours later it was finally done. Things like this often get hijacked - people fuck around, talk, slip in additional tasks, whatever. And this is why nothing ever gets done! The mate headed over for later and conjured a delicious yet grossly unhealthy dinner.

Early start Sunday to visit a farmers market then home to whip up some food for a birthday party and that's where we ended up mid-morning. Of course there was a big table covered in irresistible tasty treats. Next was the travel agent to finally lock in our U.S. trip followed by shoe shopping. Remember the plantar fasciitis [fucked heels] thingy I crapped on about a few months back? It's thankfully under control now however I'm already starting to wear out the new shoes so starting to  think about another pair. Went to a more specialist shoe store this time only to find that -ALL- shoes specifically designed for people with plantar fasciitis are appallingly ugly. Ugly to the point you would not wear them in public and if you did, even really, really gay guys would call you a fag.

Later was a dinner out with friends. Admittedly that's completely unremarkable except it was the fifth food related social event of the weekend. All these despite being on an insanely strict diet from now until we get on that fucking plane in 6 months. Would love to say I'm going to make temptation my bitch but holy shit how is that even possible in conjunction with an unfortunately active social life.

Alright I'ma stop talking and let the update speak for itself. This sick little fucker is guaranteed to titillate and excite in ways you aren't expecting so get the plastic drop sheets, disrobe and get ready to start smearing faeces over your naked body touch yourself excitedly. Check it...

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Shit EscalatesSubstitute Teacher Squares Off With Belligerent Student - Jedi-gasmMark Hamill Shares Cool Behind The Scenes Pics From 'Return Of The Jedi' - Verfied DumbKylie Jenner Responds To The Lip-Destroying Madness Of The #KylieJennerChallenge - Wanna Sex?What Happens When A Woman Asks 100 Random Guys To Sleep With Her In This Social Experiment? - JustifiedBabysitters Fired After Camera Catches Twerking Instead Of Babysitting - Ignorance'UKIP Virus' Is Sweeping Across The UK, Causing Its Citizens To Act Like Small-minded Bigots - F-ing IdiotsRioters Caught On Camera Cutting Firehoses - Big TastyArtists Make Human Cheese From Toe, Armpit, And Belly Button Bacteria - Walk It OffHorrifying Scene Where Cheerleader Breaks Her Leg And Then Tries To Walk It Of - Truly EpicYou've Hear Of Happy Feet, Right? Now Meet Happy Wheels. A Game That Involves Shockingly Gruesome Yet Totally Hilarious Death.

Doodle GodHave You Ever Dreamed About Playing God? - Free NipKelly Bensimon Braless In See Through Lace Blouse Makes Sure That Beautiful Nip Sees The Light Of Day - PerfectionBethy Is Home From College And She Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Her Uniform!! Hey, If She’s In A Rush To Show Off Those Wonderful All Natural Boobies... Who Am I To Tell Her To Slow Down? - She FineGigi Hadid Can Wear A Swimsuit So Hard It Makes Most Other Girls Look Like Pigs - Too SoonThese Dudes Fucked Up. Shelter Always Comes First. Pitch Your Tent, And Then Do All Your Drugs. - Nailed ItShe Would Be Spitting Teeth If She Tried To Put That Claw Down My Pee Hole... - This Guy!Some People Protest... Some People Loot... Some Attack, Then There's This. - Pussy GripThat Pussy Grips This Black Cock Like Kung Fu Grip! - Eye CandyLacey Looks Very Comfortable Getting Naked In Front Of This Open Window. Such Are The Perks Of Owning A Body That Is This Well Put Together. - "The Tip"Shane Diesel Is The Type Of Guy That Gotta Stand When He Poops Or His Dick Floats In The Water. His Dick So Big He Can't Even Go Balls Deep On These Professional Cock Smugglers Without Causing Serious Internal Injuries - SlutsssDrunk Girls Suck Stripper Backstage

ZombieManThe World Has Gone To Hell, And The Zombies Are Taking Over. In This Game You Play Both Human And Zombie. - Rag DolledBunch Of Bikers Slam Straight Into A Car Accident Sending Them Airborne - Like A Boss[GRAPHIC] Russian Performs A Surgery On Himself While Hiking In The Mountains - No LimitsFinally have an answer to what an Asian chick will do in public. HINT: She'll Do Pretty Much Every Fucking Thing If Asked - In So DeepGirl's Asshole Gets Gaped Beyond Recognition - Half AssedThey Said He Gives A Half Ass Performance At Every Race, So He Showed Them What A Full Ass Performance Looks Like. - Hawt GingerLove Them Or Hate Them, Lily Newmark Is The Whitest Ginger You've Seen For A While - Falling OutNot Sure If Tits Are Too Big Or Top Is Too Small But Those Nips Have Definitely Fallen Out! - [Boo-kah-kee]A Sexual Practice Involving A Large Group Of Men Masturbating On A Single Person. Prepare For Things To Get Cummy.

This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing". He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says "Okay, now you know how to play, let's go home".
How do you know if your sister is having her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.
The minister was shaking everyone's hand as they were leaving the church. An elderly man shook his hand and said "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible". As the minister stood there dumbfounded, the old man's wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He doesn't mean it - he just repeats what he hears others say".
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for a while. "Do you understand?" his mother asked. "Yes" replied Little Johnny. "Do you have any questions?" asked his mother. "Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In exactly the same way as with babies" answered his mum. "Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will screw ANYTHING!"
On the internet, you can be anything you want, its strange that there are so many people who choose to be stupid.


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This list is by no means exhaustive... which is concerning because I tick the box on far more of these than I'm comfortable admitting. That said, there's a few which sound interesting so may need to add them to my repertoire...

CRUSH FETISH: This fetish entails a person who gets aroused watching another crushing objects, food, bugs or small animals with his or her feet. The U.S. federal government actually passed a law specifically criminalising interstate sales of so-called "hard crush" videos, which depict the squashing of vertebrate animals like rabbits and puppies.

EMETOPHILIA: Some people are sexually aroused by being puked on or by puking on others. Some emetophiles put emetophilia into practice by actually vomiting, especially on a partner. They find the act of vomiting arousing. For them, the sequence of "spasm, ejaculation, relief" in vomiting is erotically charged. 

ANILILAGNIA: This is actually one of the most common fetishes out there. What Anililagnia means is actually an attraction to much older/elderly women.

BIASTOPHILIA: Biastophilia is one of the oldest disgusting fetishes - being aroused by raping an unconsenting partner. Related to biastophilia is Rape Fantasy - about raping a woman but not really doing it in real-life.

HIEROPHILIA: This is sexual attraction to religious or sacred objects, like crucifixes or ministerial garb.

KLEPTOLAGNIA: This sexual fetish involves being sexually aroused by stolen objects. The objects stolen are usually small and can be quickly and easily hidden and walked away with. The fetishist then finds a secluded spot and pleasures himself, sometimes using the stolen object.

PLUSHOPHILIA: The furry scene has taken off in recent years. These so-called "plushies" love teddy bears and other furry creatures that aren't real. Some even like to dress up as animals, ascribing them human qualities; cartoon characters in particular are popular choices. The goal is to find a level of cuteness that stimulates arousal.

APOTEMNOPHILIA: Is the attraction to the idea of being an amputee. Apparently this is not always or necessarily a sexual attraction, but nonetheless, its still disturbing to think about someone being turned on at the thought of chopping off both of their legs.

ANTHROPOPHAGOLAGNIA: This lovely condition involves fantasising about raping and then cannibalising a person.

KATOPTRONOPHILIA: The fetishist enjoys masturbating or having sex in front of a mirror.

AUTOANDROPHILIA: Both homosexual and heterosexual women have been known to imitate men and adopt their sexual roles as an extracurricular activity in the bedroom. Whether it's their goal to assume a more dominant role, or simply to dress up, it's not always the easiest topic to broach with a partner, especially if that partner happens to be a guy.

MACROPHILIA: There are people out there who actually enjoy being dominated sexually by people far larger than they are. Far, far larger, in fact. For most macrophiliacs, the vast majority of which are men, really get their kicks from fantasising about huge, 100 foot giant women. Clinical psychologists think it's a response to being dominated by an overbearing mother, and substitute normal intimacy for fantasy.

SACOFRICOSIS: This is making a hole in one's pocket in order to masturbate discreetly in public. Sort of a sneakier version of exhibitionism, we have all thought about doing this one at some point, right?

BALL BUSTING: Being struck in the groin actually arouses some men, if you can believe it. This fetish involves men who like to get hurt in the testicles and women who like to do the hurting.

AGALMATOPHILIA: Is sexual attraction to a statue, doll, mannequin or other similar figurative object. The attraction may include a desire for actual sexual contact with the object, a fantasy of having sexual encounters with the object, the act of watching encounters between such objects, or sexual pleasure gained from thoughts of being transformed or transforming another into the preferred object.

DENDROPHILIA: Is the sexual attraction to trees and plants. It can involve sexual contact or infatuation with tree parts that bear a striking phallic resemblance.

FORMICOPHILIA: A sexual obsession with being crawled on by insects. This paraphilia often involves the application of insects to the genitals. So there's that...

EROTIC ASPHYXIATION: This is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. The fetishist intensifies his orgasm by depriving his body of oxygen. Erotic asphyxiation can be performed by both sexes and can be done alone while masturbating or during sex. The practice can be dangerous, even if performed with care. It has resulted in a significant number of accidental deaths. Apparently the deaths of Michael Hutchence and David Carradine can be attributed to this fetish.

PARAPHILIC INFANTILISM: Also known as "adult baby syndrome"; is a sexual fetish that involves role-playing a regression to an infant-like state. Behaviours may include drinking from a bottle or wearing diapers. Individuals may engage in gentle and nurturing experiences or be attracted to coercive, punishing or humiliating experiences

HYBRISTOPHILIA: Is the sexual attraction to violent individuals who have committed violent or gruesome crimes such as rape, murder, or armed robbery. It is also known as "Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome" because sweet Bonnie Parker fell for the dangerous criminal Clyde Barrow.


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The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me!"

"Just wonderful" says his mum "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!"

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry". "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"


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It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga went into town to pick up her dry cleaning.

"Goodness, its hotter den hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought to herself "Vy nodt"...

The bartender walked up to her and said "And what would you like to drink today?" "Vell ya know" Helga said in a timid voice "I don't usually go into da bars but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer".

The bartender smiled at Helga and asked "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and said "Vell, it's fine tanks, and how's yur veiner?"


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OCULOPHILIA: Oculophiles have a sexual fetish for the eye. This sometimes manifests itself in touching, licking or rubbing one's genitals onto someone's actual eyeball, which sounds like the perfect recipe for conjunctivitis.

ZOOPHILIA: This is the sexual enjoyment of intercourse with animals. Both men and women engage in this fetish and have done so since at least the time of Leviticus. Although sex with animals is not outlawed in some countries, it is not explicitly condoned anywhere.

MASCHALAGNIA: Armpit odour is an aphrodisiac for some people. The smell acts as a muscular stimulant, naturally encouraging arousal, reminding armpit lovers of their favourite part of the opposite sex's body.

LACTAPHILIA: Basically just a sexual attraction to the act of breastfeeding. Nothing abnormal about that right...? Lactaphilia is not confined to just men. Between 33 and 50% of mothers found breast feeding erotic, and only about 25% felt guilty about it.

PIQUERISM: Piquerism involves having sex with another person while stabbing or cutting his or her body with sharp objects like knifes or ice picks à la Basic Instinct.

NECROPHILIA: This is the enjoyment of sexual intercourse with dead bodies. The word incorporates sexual intercourse with non-human dead bodies as well. Some people have been known to shoot animals and then engage in intercourse with them.

HEMATOLAGNIA: Given the popularity of the "Twilight" saga and the deathly combination of teenage impressionability and hormones, it might not come as a surprise that hematolagnia, or "blood fetishism" has seen a spike in popularity. The afflicted fantasize about blood and biting necks as they partake in forbidden love. In most cases, the drinking of blood isn't involved despite the association of the fetish with vampires.

KLISMAPHILIA: There's nothing more erotic than shooting poopy water out of your bum, at least not to Klismaphiliacs, or people sexually aroused by enemas. People with this stinky and intrusive fetish fantasy sexually desire the insertion of liquid into their butthole by themselves or other people. They get erections when receiving enemas from doctors.

DACRYPHILIA: This paraphilia entails being aroused by tears or crying. The best part about this fetish is that you can get off all the time if you just act like an asshole to everyone.

COPROPHILIA: Fetishists get sexual satisfaction from faeces. Most coprophiliacs go no further than enjoying the sight of another person defecating, or closely studying the faeces. Interestingly, the Japanese don't consider this a fetish at all...

ODAXELAGNIA: Odaxelagnia goes hand-in-hand with hematolagnia. The fetish is experienced when arousal is stimulated from biting or being bitten by a partner.

AUTOGYNEPHILIA: Is the name for being aroused by the thought of a man being a woman.

CHREMASTISTOPHILIA: This is sexual arousal as a result of being robbed, blackmailed or conned out of money, especially in exchange for supposed service.

ALGOLAGNIA: With algolagnia, pleasure and pain are one in the same. This highly popular fetish is characterised by inflicting or receiving sensations, typically in erogenous zone, in order to heighten the sexual experience.

EPROCTOPHILIA: Is the sexual arousal from farting. Nothing much more to say about this, I think the link explains it all.

SALIROPHILIA: This fetish involves deriving erotic pleasure from soiling or disheveling the object of one's desire, usually an attractive person. It may involve tearing or damaging their clothing, covering them in mud or filth, or messing their hair or makeup. The fetish does not involve harming or injuring the subject, only their appearance.

SOMNOPHILIA:  This fetish is the name for someone who becomes sexually aroused by someone who is sleeping or somehow unconscious. The condition has a strong links throughout history with incest and may progress to necrophilia

MENOPHILIA: The sexual arousal from a woman's menstrual blood. Apparently there are people out there who are turned on by women on their periods. WTF is wrong with them?

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A man goes to a whorehouse and asks the lady at the desk for a woman with a fantastic tan with no tan lines. The lady at the desk says "That will be $500".

So the man gives her the money and she tells him to go upstairs and knock on the third door on left. A voice tells him to come in. He does. She said "Take your clothes off". He said "I paid $500, so I want you to take your clothes off and lay on the bed and spread your legs for me".

She does. He says "Thank you" and starts to leave.

She said "Is that all you wanted?" He said "Yes my wife is painting the house brown with pink shutters and I wanted to see what it would look like".


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A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he stayed in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

He replied sheepishly, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears." He asked, "Sergeant Major, how did you know I wear contacts?"

"Well, sir," the soldier replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears".


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A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!"  

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk". The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams "Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him begin laughing. 

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains "He can't run - he has four balls".

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"


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A fellow sat on the barber's chair. "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine" he says.

The barber began to lather his face, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts he'd ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The Texan said "Young lady, you and I should go spend some time in a hotel room". She replied "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that".

The Texan says "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference". She said "You tell him; you're closer".


You're about to learn everything you need to know:

-Check out the site archives. Do it for the children.
-Trust me, next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray build a time machine just so he can go back and molest you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do whatever you like. See if I care. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.04.23-19.15

Welcome to people who can't point at something on a computer screen without touching it.

Feels like it's been a while since we spoke. Has been a looong week and that's because a healthy work/life balance is starting to return. From when the update finished on Thursday night, my PC stayed off until Monday morning. Okay so yep, perhaps that had something to do with getting sick, perhaps not, but that isn't the point. Stop nitpicking about it okay.

It's quite strange. Every year around when the weather begins to get cooler, my breathing goes full retard - I can't draw a full breath; completely fill my lungs. The harder I try, the harder it is, the less I sleep, the tireder I get, the more distressed I become. Its stressful and in some ways like being the middle guy in a human centipede. Have always thought it was some magical form of asthma and usually persevere until it goes away after an arbitrary time. Annoyingly it was particularly bad this this year so by Friday the whole caper had escalated to needing medical treatment. My doctor was booked up so rung around clinics near to home until someone could squeeze me in.

Then, after the longest, most thorough and most expensive GP consult ever, the diagnosis was "anxiety related". Okay... but I don't have anything to be anxious about... and it only happens at a specific time of year... every year. I think its viral. "Nope. Anxiety". Bu.. "Nopppe". Needless to say 2 days later the problem completely resolved itself without the use of a padded cell therefore my professional diagnosis is that a doctor's ego doesn't always know better.


Moving on. Looks like after a lifetime of talking about it, a U.S. trip is finally on the cards thanks to the GF attending a conference there later this year. Basically I get to tagalong as  au pair [to my own child] while she's doing that after which we'll spend a couple of weeks traversing various cities. Current itinerary is something along the lines of Washington D.C., fly to Boston, train to NYC, teleport to San Fran before road tripping to L.A. There are literally dozens of other places I'd love to get to but rather spend more time in fewer places. Oh and the Aussie dollar is weaker by the day so my butthole has already started bleeding in anticipation.

Anyway I've been busy molesting Trip Advisor and WikiTravel trying to work out what we should and shouldn't see but safe to say there's actually too much information out there. Fuck you internet for making it easy to find every assholes completely different answer to the same question. What I want to do is: 1) avoid really touristy stuff; 2) hit markets and out of the way places; 3) eat food unique to the city; and 4) activities conducive to juggling a 1.5 year old. This is where I'd appreciate some ideas from you guys; especially any 'merican's who live in those cities. I mean more opinions from people on the internet should make it easier after all...?

Alright enough crapola. There was a bunch of other crapola I was going to crap on about but then realised the world will be a better place without the extra waffle... plus todays update is so fucking good I'd be doing you guys a huge disservice keeping you from it. So get your wanking hands ready for unquestionably the best Orsm update you've seen this week. Check it...

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WANT!One Day They'll End Up Taking Over The World And Killing Us All, But I Bet We Get Some Epic Sandwiches In-Between - Too FunnyCaution: If You Give Your Number To A Hot Chick On The Beach, You Might Wind Up With Her Gay Friend Instead - Bong Cops3 Retired Cops Take Some Hits From The Bong For The First Time Since Becoming Police Officers - FlashbackNYC Nostalgia - What It Was Like To Be A Teenager Living In New York in the 1970s - Rap God40 Styles, 10 Seconds Each. You Have To Hand It To Him - He Definitely Has An Impressive Range! - FascinatingDigging For DinoCars – How A 1974 Ferrari Dino Ended Up Buried In Someone’s Backyard - Sidestep!Lumberjack Learns The Value Of Moving To The Side - Shat Myself!Terrifying Ghost Subway Prank Scares The Hell Out Of These Poor Unsuspecting Commuters - Biiig HitTackling: Aussie Rules Football Style - Word PlayThink laterally and maybe you will see the word that is represented by the crazy artwork. Don't think Laterally And All Will Seem Strange And Meaningless! - AudaciousA Happily Married Couple Is Currently Pushing The Boundaries Of Amateur Porn. They're Both Jizz Fanatics That Mix Their Love Of Semen With Public Escapades.

BloonsI Used To Be A Heroin User So Believe Me When I Say This Game Is More Addictive - Real WomanGet A Load Of Bella Hadid... Or Make A Load For Bella Hadid - Awes NipsRihanna Nipples In See Through White Tank Top - Natural BabeNo Question About It, Busty Brunette Evita Lima Is Looking Fantastic While Posing Naked On A Set Of Stairs! She’s Like The Ultimate Pretty Girl Next Door - Car-BOOM!I Present To You The Greatest Suicide Bomb Ever. The Car Blew Up, Launched This Asshole Into The Air, And Then His Bomb Vest Blew Up - Boobs OutDrive Through Babe Flashes Her Tits And Gets The Chick In The Window To, Also! - CockblockedCan't Blame This Horny Fucker Couldn't Contain His 6 Inches Of Irish Steel, But After Some Hardcore Fondling, The Moment Is Ruined. - Dildo DarePerhaps The Dumbest Blonde You Will See For A While Inserts A Dildo To Her Asshole To Surprise The Pizza Delivery Guy - Bit Harsh?Female Teacher Face And Body Kicked For Sleeping With Another Woman's Husband - Anal OopsThere's Not Much You Can Say Except To Learn The Lesson Here: Sometimes Going Deep Can Go Bad

RuthlessOne Very Fine Day, The Bears Decided It Was Time To Take What Was Rightfully Theirs. What Happened Next Would Claim A Lot Of Bear Lives... - Reaction FaceThis Succulent Slut Gets A Big Surprise When She Gets A Gander At That Monster Man Meat. The Look On Her Face Is Priceless. - RavishingSome Model You've Never Heard Of Gets Very Naked By The Pool And It Is Outstanding - UnladylikeTwo Crazy Chicks Fight In Front Of A Bus - Prank BabeCute Girl Has A Hilarious Compilation Of Random Pranks - BrokenThis Freak Needs To Stop Sticking His Crank In Every Hole He Sees. That Boner Needs Some Rehab For Sure. - Fun BagsWoah, Talk About A Massive Fucking Rack! This Good Lady Is Packing Titties That Make Basket Balls Look Pathetic. - ConjoinedTwins... Conjoined... At The Penis... - Hot HippieKelly Brook Put On A Fantastic Display Of Braless Cleavage While Wearing One Of Those Sexy Summer Dresses At The Coachella Festival - Selena's ToeSelena Gomez Massive Camel Toe At The Beach In Mexico Is Oh So Glorious

Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man. During the séance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A hoarse voice from the corner wailed "I can't. It's not my table!"
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
A Virginia man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says "Okay get in the car with it". "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there". "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose". The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps. Reporter: When do you drink water? Hattie: I've never been that sick.


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-It was midnight and pouring rain. My partner and I responded to a felled tree on a major boulevard. This tree had fallen across all the west-bound lanes so we quickly turned one of the east-bound lanes into a westbound with traffic cones. Everything went smoothly, except that we were a little cranky from the continuous soaking we received. After about an hour of directing traffic, a woman slowed down and cracked her window and asked me, "Excuse me, officer, what happened here?" I turned and looked at the huge tree that had obviously fallen onto the roadway, no doubt due to the loosened soil and replied, "Ma'am, a UFO crash landed here, I'm gonna have to ask you to move on." "REALLY???" she replied...

-A woman had hit a deer with her car and the deer was obviously in bad shape but still alive. So as per protocol, we were going to put one in the deer's head to end its misery but wanted to wait for the lady to leave. This woman was a total nature loving hippy and was hysterically screaming and crying for them to take it to the vet or call the paramedics. So as we're trying to talk her down and tell her we will take care of it if she gets on her way, another officer walks up to the deer and end's it's suffering right in front of her. Not cool.

-I bet every cop out there, at least in big cities, has the neighbourhood prostitute. Sure she is a street walker, but mostly she is just a bit mental and usually likes to talk to the police (lonely? I'm not sure). Always a wave and a smile, with those few teeth left. Ours is Chrissie. Last week she waves me and my partner down in the squad car. "I got ripped off! I was raped!" "What happened Chrissie?" "This guy I work with had sex with me and didn't pay. That's rape, right officers?" "It can be, Chrissie. Where did it happen?" "Where did it happen?" She gestures to her crotch. "Right here in my pussy!" You ask a stupid question...

-A very nice elderly woman came to the station one day to report that her burgundy Chrysler Cordoba had just been stolen from the grocery store parking lot. Another officer was just then dispatched to the same grocery store parking lot to contact a confused elderly woman. The confused woman explained that when she was on her way home with groceries, she realised that her little statue of Jesus was missing from her dash. She said she didn't think the car even belonged to her. After a registration check, it was determined that the confused woman got into the wrong burgundy Cordoba and drove it away. As it turned out, both Chrysler Cordoba's were burgundy and both had the same key pattern. Officers quickly figured it out and the auto theft was unfounded. The confused woman's car was still locked and sitting in the grocery store parking lot where she left it. She had simply taken the wrong car!

-A cop I worked with in the affluent town I lived stopped a teenager driving an expensive new Mercedes. Playing the role for his friends in the car, the driver arrogantly said to the officer; "Do you know who my father is?" The officer said; "No, didn't your mother tell you?"

-Sometimes police work requires a super-human effort to remain calm and professional. A partner and I responded to a domestic dispute. Female has packed all her belongings in large black plastic garbage bags, and she and the male are arguing intensely. The usual; who did what to whom, what belongs to who, etc. We try to calm the situation, but they are too focused on yelling at each other. Soon the male becomes concerned that the female may be taking his personal stuff, so he starts rummaging through the garbage bag-luggage. All of a sudden he stops, his eyes get wide and he yells, "What the hell is that?!" As he reaches in the bag, her hand shoots past his and grabs the item as she replies, "That's my dildo, cause you can't satisfy me!" To top it off, she continues yelling at him, and shaking the big rubber dong in his face.

-Some officers in my department got called to the local movie theatre. Apparently a guy paid with a counterfeit $20 bill and then went into movie before they figured out it was a fake. Once the officers got there the staff figured out what theatre he was in and they pointed him out. The officers began interviewing the guy about the funny money and I think his guilt was a little bit in question... until they got him to empty his pockets. They found another fake $20 in his pocket... and then immediately arrested him. Seems this Einstein was so proud of his work he decided to make a fake bill... with his OWN picture! Kind of a no-brainer at that point.

-A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders and used it quite often. But one day the officer found traffic surprisingly tame. After a long while, the officer found the reason:  A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 200 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of money.

-Roll calls can be fun. The subject of roll call training can vary anywhere from off-duty conduct to end-of-pursuit tactics. I love it when you get a sergeant who doesn't have a clue about anything get up and give roll call training, especially when the topic is, "Physical Fitness and Wellness." This sergeant, a male who obviously lacked any higher education, stood up for about 15 minutes and gave roll call training on the health benefits of cranberry juice to women. Yes, he mentioned vaginas and urinary tracts and the like. It's been about 9 years and I am still embarrassed for him.

-This one didn't happen to me but to one of our newer female officers. In my city people are quick to complain about road kill on the public streets so this officer gets sent to a large raccoon lying dead in the road. She gets out, and per our policy at the time, gets a large trash bag out, loads the carcass up and takes it to the station for storage in a freezer set aside for dead animal storage. Not sure why we do this other than the animal officers come in later and take the remains somewhere for disposal. Apparently the animal officer opened the freezer several days later and the interior was absolutely destroyed! That darn raccoon wasn't actually dead, just stunned! It looks like he came to sometime later and promptly decided to get the heck outta' there! I heard the other bags in there were all ripped open and the interior was trashed from the coon trying to escape.

-I am working a two-man car with a good friend. That is when this job is at its best. Good buddy, hot coffee, laughing all night. I can't believe they pay us for those nights. We get sent to an old lady's mansion. Really interesting old place in the hills. She says someone broke in and robbed her. The place looks pristine, and we are wondering what she is talking about. She walks us to the safe in the bedroom. "Right this way, young men..." Once inside she shows us about $500,000 worth of jewellery. Diamonds, rubies, gold, even a signed invitation to Richard Nixon's ball at the White House on his first night as president. She then orders us to take it all away. Now. She says the robbers took all her real stuff and substituted this fake jewellery and she wants it out. Now I was catching on. We had a moment and then called her emergency contact. I guess her dementia was getting worse. It was a shame, actually. Her nephew said since her husband died she just kept slipping away. We locked the safe and went on our way.

-One night a few years back, I get called to a male trying to kick in the front door of a house. On arrival, he is sitting in the porch, drunk as a skunk and having lost control of his bladder. Apart from that he is no problem and no damage to the front door. On go my gloves and I ask him for ID. He struggles to his feet and puts his hand in his jeans pocket. He pulls out something and says "Can you hold this whilst I get my wallet?" He places a big bag of cocaine in my hand. The drunken realisation of what he had just given to me was priceless.


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An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."

A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


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An elderly couple were enjoying the evening swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.

After a few minutes the old lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The old man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks "What was that for?" She replies "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to the old man.

She sits here a few minutes and then asks "What was that for?" He replies "That's for knowing there was more than one size!"


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-I got a call to investigate a death. We have to go and just make sure that the dearly departed was not the victim of foul play. Unbeknownst to me, the paramedics had already looked him over and all was okay. So I walk in to the room, and the medics had positioned the body so that he was giving me the bird. I guess early rigor mortis allows you to "position" the body as you wish. Okay I admit I laughed out loud.

-When I was a police officer we had one particular individual who was a long time street pharmaceuticals dealer. I got the arrest one day when he was finally caught with product on him. We got to the jail and as I was filling out the arrest report, I asked him the very last question on the form "handedness", "Are you right handed or left handed"? This guy looks right at me, puffs out his chest with pride, as he tells me "I can write with both hands, I'm amphibious"!

-My co-worker said he was patrolling his district one day and was approaching a main street from a side street. As he neared the corner a vehicle was making a right turn onto the side street he was traveling on. As the car turned, the driver's side rear door suddenly flew open. To his horror a child strapped in a car seat came flying out of the open door! To make things worse the driver of the car the child came out of apparently didn't realise what had happened because the car kept going! The officer quickly drove his car out into the street to block traffic and then got out. Several other people stopped too but the other car was nowhere to be seen. There was no information on who the toddler might be and for a few minutes the officer wasn't sure what to do or think. A short time later the child's frantic grandmother showed up to claim the child.

-One Sunday morning my partner and I get a call for a domestic dispute in the projects. As we approached the apartment door we hear the yelling inside. I put on my Terminator sunglasses and do my best Stevie Wonder. My partner calms everyone down as I'm facing the wall telling it to be quiet. My partner tells the husband to go take a walk. As the guy leaves the woman can't quite figure it out so she starts pointing her finger at me to see if I would flinch. I kept my eyes shut and my partner goes into his speech about equal opportunity hiring. The said she knew the police department hired the handicapped but didn't know they hired the blind.

-This officer was driving around and came across a motorist whose car had run out of gas. Fortunately they were close to a gas station so he pushed him to the pumps and left him to gas up. A few minutes later a call comes out dispatching officers to a theft of gas which just occurred at the same station. The suspect vehicle? The same one my buddy just pushed in there! I think the dumbest part of the story was the thief was a security guard for a local company.

-I have always thought that parents cause a lot of the problems for cops. We had this guy last night, all off his head on methamphetamine. He almost got shot, because he was carrying a fake gun which looked real. He had this with him to protect himself from the invisible demons he saw only when high. After arresting him, we talked to his girlfriend. She was 17. He was 37. That is bad enough, but when we called her dad to come pick her up from his home several hundred miles away, he was totally cool with this. "Kids do stuff, officer." This kid "stuff" was taking a greyhound bus 200 miles to spend the night at a cheap ass motel with her 37yo boyfriend.

-It was New Year's Eve and our FOP lodge was hosting a dinner near a busy intersection. About 9pm the 25+ off duty cops that were in attendance heard a loud noise outside the building. We all knew there had been a car wreck. Before anyone had a chance to walk out the front door to see what had happened a gal came running in. She had a little blood coming off her forehead and smelled like a brewery. It was obvious she was drunk. It was equally obvious that this gal had no idea the type of people that she was going to be talking to when she walked into the building. As she busted through the front door she made the following statement, "Whatever you do, don't call the cops because I'm drunk and that accident out there was my fault!"

-One of our FTO officers (trains new cops in patrol) came into dispatch looking completely disgusted. "Look at this!" He said pointing to a long silvery streak on his dark blue uniform pants, running from the cuff to mid-thigh. "Do I want to know what that is?" I asked. "My trainee, took so long to write this guy a speeding ticket, that while I was standing on the curb waiting, I noticed a snail had crawled up my leg. A snail!"

-One of our traffic officers happened to be driving behind a school bus loaded with high school students on their way home when one of the young Einstein's on board thought it would be hilarious to "moon" the officer. He proceeds to bare his backside out the back window as the other students howl with laughter. That is until the officer lights the bus up, pulls it over and climbs on-board. This officer is well built happy so I'm sure he was pretty intimidating as he headed for the back of the bus. Our officer grabs him and on his way out tells the driver he'll make sure this one gets home alright. Imagine the phone call to the parents!

-My wife and I are on the way to Vegas. We were, shall we say, flying a bit faster than necessary? We get pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Generally, not good news, even for a cop. They have been known to write us up just like anyone else. In any case, the kind gentleman comes to the window, and I blurt out, "I'm a cop, but I am not armed." Stupid. His reply, "Then why tell me you are a cop?" Good question... probably because I don't want a $500 ticket? I come up with "In case you find out on the computer and then think I might be armed... you know, a safety thing officer!" In any case, I get lucky. Stern warning only. By no means as a result of my quick thinking!

-I was working evening shift and dispatch sent me to a bad wreck at a main intersection. I pulled up and there were several cars damaged and a few people injured. I asked dispatch to send an ambulance. They asked me what the injuries were so I walked around to the cars, looked in and tried to guess on age, sex and type of injuries. I got to one car with two females inside. The passenger was bleeding from her head. I radioed dispatch and said, "mid-30's female with a head injury." I looked at the obviously pregnant driver (she had to be 8 or 9 months pregnant) and said, "and one maternity patient." The driver looked at me and said, "I'm not pregnant." Oops. I said, "I know ma'am, that is just police talk."

-In Phoenix, looking for a murder suspect. We had a few local cops with us, but basically it was us. We pull up to a house where the suspect's father lives. He says they guy is not home, so we ask for permission to search. He says sure. Once inside, we find no suspect... then I see a body-sized duffle bag. It's a long shot, but we agree we should open it. I cover it with my .45, and my partner opens it. Inside: 350 lbs. of cocaine, bricked and ready to ship. The subsequent search shows this is a major drug packaging location.

-I simply cannot believe this one, so I had to write it down: I stopped a guy, at least 80 years old, for speeding, ON RADAR for god sakes. He was going 30 over the limit no problem. The old coot (a lawyer no less) gets out of the car and challenges us, two cops in their late 20's, to a fight. Talk about having a problem with the police. We talked him down from an actual fight, but he assured us he could "take us" if he wanted to.

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute, but I worked both sides of the river!"


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Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition.

Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion.

On top of the cushion is an ancient, shrivelled parchment envelope. The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected.

John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother" the pope whispered "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history". The pope said "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret".

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock... it was the bill for the last supper.


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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse".

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse". "How in the hell" asked his angry friend "Could it have been worse?" "Well" replied Frank "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"


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A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.

So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey" he says "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom".

The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed.

The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife… right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.

The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob".


Well that was splendid but sadly must come to an end. What you need to know at this point is:

-Check out the site archives. Literally my life's work neatly provided for your perusing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know this?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will beat you so bad your wheelchair is going to need a wheelchair.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop thinking about my schlong. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.04.16-21.08

Welcome to I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I've barely moved from my desk for the last 12 hours whilst smashing away at this update but for whatever reason, completely unable to make it my bitch. Long story short, you guys get everything as normal except the rambling nonsense that usually fills this top section. Oh what's that? No one reads it anyway? Well if that's the case then now might be a good time to get a few things off my chest. Firstly, you're alllll cunts. Secondly, check it...


I met a woman last night who told me that she wanted sex really badly. I said "Well I'm definitely your man, I'm fucking terrible"...
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went into the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart; tears were welling in my eyes... then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30!
A man and a woman had just gotten married. She was not a virgin, but she wanted him to THINK that she was. So she decided that on their honeymoon, when he first starts to enter her, she'll snap her garter and it will sound like her cherry is popping. The night of the honeymoon comes and they are in the throes of passion. He kisses her gently on the lips and starts to slide it in. She snaps her garter and his whole body goes stiff as a board. "What was that" the man snarled through clenched teeth. "It was my cherry, you popped it" she whispered in his ear. ""Well" the man growled" pop it again, IT'S GOT ME BY THE BALLS!!! "
An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel. One of the prostitutes calls out "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?" The old man replies "No, my child, I cannot!" The prostitute "Cheer up!! Let us try!" The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old. The prostitute says "Oh gosh! And you still say you cannot" The old man replies "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"
An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a check-up and says "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests". The woman says "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour".
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night". The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night". The third one turns around and says "If I get home, rip off me knickers throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers. Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes. They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What going on here?" asks the officer. "I making love to my wife!" Bubba answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop "I didn't know". Bubba says "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face!"

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Judge DoucheYou'll Never Believe Why Armed Home Invaders Got Off With Probation - Dat Ass!After Watching Her Stretch Routine, You Will Be Ready For A Workout - LOL Pathetic!Watch 'Say Goodnight Fight' - The Lamest Brawl Ever Undertaken Between Two People Ever - Perfectly Timed'Just The Right Moment' - 67 Wonders (Or flukes) Of Nature That Are Perfectly Timed - Dita Von TitsDita Von Teese, The International Queen Of Burlesque, Brings Her One-Of-A-Kind Style To The Renowned Crazy Horse In Paris For A Thrilling Sensual Show. - War Babes Israel's Supermodel Army: 18-20 Year-Old Female Soldiers Serving In The Israeli Defense Forces - WT-Burger!?This Guy Really Loves His Burgers... Well I Think He's Talking About Burgers...? - Bwahahaha!!Friends Scream As Girl Gets Attacked By A Huge Terrifying Monster Of The Deep! (Well, A Harmless Manatee) - Love ThisZombies Vs Penguins 3. Thank The Frook Above We Have Penguins In This World To Look After The Rest Of Us. Without These Brave Creatures, The World Would Quickly Be Overrun With Zombies.

Glow PathIt's Time To Chill. Time To Relax. Time To Play A Brain-Teaser That Will Calm Your Mind Whilst Stretching It To Fuckery. - Srsly WOWSofia Vergara Is So Nude In The Bath That Your Penis May Begin To Shed Tears Of Joy - Bursting OutBusty Blonde Sabrina Nichole Has Been Chosen As Playboy’s Cybergirl Of The Month For April, And We're All Totally On Board With That! - R U Sure?Piercing His GFs Clit! THEN FUCKING HER! #likeaboss - Leaked NudesAlleged Charlotte McKinney Leaked Pics - Jumbo TitsThis Webcam Freak Has Jugs Growing Out Of Her Stomach. She Should Ask For A Refund On That Tit Job. - Nudie WalkFor Someone Walking Down The Street With Her Vagina Out She Seems Pretty Happy - "The Talk"That Awkward Moment When You Have To Discuss Sex With Your Daughter For The First Time And It Turns Out She Knows More Than You! - Tasty TeenTasty Teen Kitty Katzu Dreams Of Getting Fucked By Big Fat Dicks Like A Dirty Little Whore - SnipedBiker Hit And Knocked Off By A Flying Tyre

Shape FoldWhat Could Be At First Written Off As A Silly Game For Kids Quickly Starts To Be Come Oh So Much Better... Think Smoking Crack As You Have Sex With An 18yo Blonde Virgin... - Epic HeadSeems To Me She Doesn't Need That Much Instruction On How To Make Her Guy Blow A Huge Load Directly Down Her Throat. Awes! - WTF Is It?WTF Is This Alien Creature!?! This Creeps Me The Fuck Out! - Cunt-tastic!This Chick Brings New Meaning To The Word Gunt. It Must Be A Bloody Mess When It's That Time Of The Month. - 70's PornoHer First Visit To The Gynaecologist Ends With Her Losing Her Innocence - Perfect BodHoly Shit Why Can't I Have A Neighbour This Damn Hot? - Model TitsTopless Models By Christian Macdonald For Document Journal - Oozing SexIf Jelena Jensen Keeps Oozing Sexuality Like That She Is Going To Hurt Someone - Straining NipsSophie Monk Nips Straining Hard Against Her Thin White Shirt As She Casually Walks Down The Street

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!" "No" replies the man. "She just sort of lays there".
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 'ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister" said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips". "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em!"
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering. "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $5,000 down, and payments of $850 for 24 months, plus payments for extras". "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed "That sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmm" the doctor murmured "that obvious, huh?"


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Seems the only thing some teachers actually helped some of us learn was just how bad they were at... you know... teaching...

-Worst teacher ever: 9th grade art teacher. He was going through a divorce with his wife of six months, his 3rd marriage, and showed up to class sloppy drunk. Cracked open a Miller Lite right then and there, referred to his soon-to-be-ex as a "cunt" and asked each female student present why women are "hardwired to be soul-sucking, money-grubbing bitches". Then told us all to fuck off, spit out his beer, and stormed out of class. Surprisingly enough, it took the school THREE WEEKS to fire him and he later unsuccessfully brought forth a lawsuit for "wrongful termination".

-My second grade teacher told me I was adopted. I was and did not know it up until then.

-I'm deaf and wear two hearing aids. If I were ever naughty, as punishment, my grade 3 teacher used to take off my hearing aids and make me sit in the hallway alone.

-One of my brothers was a pain in the butt, teacher's pet type. The other a class clown. Because I looked more like class clown brother, my high school years were filled with teachers who automatically thought I was a troublemaker. I had one teacher actually hold me after class and say "No Paulsen ever gets better than a B in my class - I don't care how great the work is, I don't care if you know more than I do... you can thank your brother for that, or I suggest you drop my class".

-Back in my early college years, I was hardcore into playing EverQuest. My electrical engineering professor was as super cool guy. During the semester, I learned that he just happened to play EverQuest too and it turned out that we were on the same server. Throughout the course of the semester, I would offer to trade Platinum (the in-game currency of EverQuest) to him for leeway in the course, be it skipping class, homework forgiveness, or answers to tests, which he *ahem* may or may not have accepted. Needless to say, I received an A in that class for very little work and attendance.

-My high school psych teacher. We learned very little psychology in her class, which mostly consisted of her telling us stories about her family. One of them involved a nephew she found particularly annoying, and whom she appeared to enjoy mentally abusing. Yes, she told us stories about some of the things she did. Like it was all... okay. Sometimes the world of psychology is populated by some very damaged individuals.

-Our teacher would dump the contents of your desk out in front of the class and make you clean it up while everyone watched if you took too long getting out a book or pencil.

-My worst teacher experience was in 2nd grade when I got in a fight with a kid for stealing my Swamp Thing toy. The teacher broke us up and decided since the other kid claimed the toy was his and that he didn't steal it, she'd just keep it and send us both to detention for fighting.

-My bad teacher was my 4th grade teacher. I am not sure if it was her old age, or being from a different era but she was a stern and mean lady. I was a big boy back then, or as my mum liked to say "husky". There was another Eric in class who was a little taller than the rest of us, so when the class was set to learn about the difference between length and width she made me and the other Eric stand up in front of the class to provide a real world example of length vs. width.

-She was my first grade teacher. Absolutely nothing but awful and rude to me and made me sit by myself every day, made fun of me and had other kids make fun of me with her for answering a question wrong.

-I volunteered to bring my model rocket to school and do a launch during class. It went well and I asked if I could leave the rocket and supplies in his class to pick up after school. He enjoyed the launch so much, he repeated it for the next class with my rocket, without me. And launched it into a forest. But the worst was his demonstration of the corrosive power of sulphuric acid. He put a beaker full on a table in the front of the class, dropped in a handful of pennies and wandered the class lecturing. As the fumes from the acid and coins spread, students were dropping like flies, running from the room, throwing up at their chairs, crying about their eyes burning. Yeah, he was bad...

-In high school, our dance director was about 22 and thought she could run our team by being our "friend". She liked to walk around barefoot on campus and earned the nickname "blackfoot" because of her severely soiled feet. She was known to lay on her back in the gym with her shirt up to her chest showing her very pregnant stomach... she loved to be barefoot and pregnant. The night of our senior recital, at almost 9 months pregnant, she danced with us and did a tremendous leap, everyone thought her water was going to break on stage. I couldn't help thinking that recitals were supposed to showcase student achievement... not staff.

-I had a high school math teacher who, in his spare time, dressed up like a knight and attended renaissance fairs. While we took tests, I shit you not, he would use the opportunity to practice his swordplay with a yard stick, fighting an invisible opponent as we tried to concentrate. Those were the days...

-When I lived in South Africa, we had corporal punishment in school. I had a math teacher who had it out for me. He'd cane me for offences like 'bad handwriting'. One time I got 98% on a test, beat everyone in the class, including his favourites. Result? He gave me two licks anyway. Why? So next time I wouldn't miss the remaining 2%.

-Sixth grade history teacher, class full of students, and all of my friends and everyone else were shocked when the teacher called my parents are "poor dirt farmers". We're still not sure what the context was!

-I was a fat kid in middle school, and I had a PE teacher that just hated me. Every time we had to split into teams for any sports event like hockey, basketball, etc. Instead of pulling out the large yellow jerseys to distinguish an opposite team, he would point to me and say "skins". Being a fat kid with a stomach and boy-boobs is a recipe for other kids to taunt. I remember the teacher even laughing at some of the comments. This happened all the time.

-When I was 14, I had a young male science teacher who was really into heavy metal like me and my friends. He ended up taking my four best friends to see Pantera. This was in 1991, before they had blown up, a club gig with stage diving and all that fun stuff an 8th grader dreams of doing. My mum wouldn't let me go because she said "HE COULD BE A CHILD MOLESTER!" My friends all had a great time. But the twist is, the very next year, he was fired and arrested for sleeping with one of his students. So mum was right the whole time! Still, his affair was with a female, so I don't think I would've been in any danger.

-I have a distinct memory of an English teacher in the early part of high school that had something called 'the chair of truths'. Every other day when we would meet for her class she would randomly pick someone from the class to sit on this thing directly in front and facing the class. Every single person in the class had to say one thing they liked about the student and one thing they didn't. Most days it would go down like: "Jennifer you are really smart and also a bitch". After a couple weeks when everyone hated each other and self-esteem was at an all-time low the chair of truths was retired.


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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

When I was 18, and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


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An 18 year-old girl from tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each".

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again!"


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-My bad teacher experience was with a middle school science teacher who laughed maniacally after my best friend and lab partner stuck a pair of tweezers into an electrical socket on a dare. He was still laughing as a ball of electricity blew out of the socket and across the floor. He was laughing as my friend stood crying with singed fingers and frizzy hair in our science lab that had no lights on since the circuit was blown. In the darkness I could hear his crazy laughter. I'll never forget that. He hated his students.

-My 9th grade English teacher was a drunk. We would see her filling a shopping cart with the cheap gallon jugs of wine all the time. She was lit every morning before school. One day we decided to hide all the chalk but glue one piece to floor in front of the board. She saw it, wobbled over to it and bent over to pick it up. Of course the chalk didn't budge. Tried a dozen more times. Then she stood up and just stared at it for an eternity. Finally, she went back to her desk and said "Fuck it. No lesson today. Read your books".

-During my freshman year of high school our home room teacher went on sabbatical for the second half of the year. In her absence they got this crazy old hippie to fill in for her for the remainder of the year. She made us rearrange all of our desks so that we were sitting in a circle because she felt the energy was better that way. She would also spend most of our class time just rambling and telling us all kinds of crazy stories. The best one was where she revealed that she had a love affair with Gene Hackman. She claimed that as a young woman she lived on the road and often relied on the kindness of others as she bounced from one place to another. At one point she end up living on Gene Hackman's property with him and his lady friend, and my teacher and Hackman ended up having a short but passionate affair. She claimed that anytime she watched a Gene Hackman movie she would get emotional.

-I had a teacher in freshman English who would give the girls bonus points and extra credit for wearing short skirts to class. He also was guilty of some pretty consistent touchy, caressing, grabby personal space violations with them too. It wasn't until I was older and he was out of the school that I realised how wrong it was.

-MONDAY: Mr. A. teaches our calculus class the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. TUESDAY: Mr. A.: "Okay, now can anyone tell me the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus?" [silence] "Anyone?" [silence] "ANYONE? It's the FUNDAMENTAL theorem". [silence] "Y'all are fuckin' cocksuckers, get out of here".

-When my business marketing teacher tried teaching us a formula for figuring out how much your profit margin is and no one could figure it out. So we looked in the text book and were shown a different formula. When we told her the book showed us a different formula. She told us she knew her way was wrong but do it her way anyway.

-My PE teacher really wasn't a great teacher. He really hated marriage and in-laws. My freshmen year he told the entire class. "For God's Sakes wear a condom! What I heard about some of these girls here... you do not want to knock up any of those bitches!! You WILL kiss your life and future good bye!" Let's say every guy in the locker room had the same look and thought: "Which girls?"

-It's always nice when a teacher tells you you're going to end up in prison for no reason. My 3rd grade teacher hated me, told me on more than one occasion "You are poor white trash, you will just end up in prison, I wish I didn't have to waste my time on you" and "I am not wasting my time teaching poor white prison trash, figure it out yourself". I told my parents, the principal, counsellors, he managed to talk his way out of it and no one believed me at all...

-I was slapped in the face and yanked up by my arm by one of my teachers for trying to help another kid pick up his crayons that fell on the ground!

-The first day of senior English, the teacher comes in and recounts a story about a theatre class where two actors were on stage rehearsing when a cockroach scurried across the stage. One actor wanted to kill it, the other thought it should be let outside. They got into a big fight, so the director walked onto the stage, walked over to them and stomped on the roach shouting "I decide what lives and dies in my classroom!" As the teacher said this last line, she looked at every single person in the room with CRAZY eyes. We were sitting there thinking "holy crap - she's going to kill someone before the end of the school year". I'd never been so terrified of a teacher before.

-I had a Latin teacher who was actually quite good at instilling information, but it was mainly through raw fear and the ability to throw a chalk-board eraser with unnerving accuracy. It didn't help that his best friend was the borderline psychotic History teacher who had his eye carved out by the Mau-Mau during the Kenyan Civil War. Turned out that the Latin teacher had been a British Military Intelligence interrogator in Cypress during the 1950's. Trust me, nothing makes you learn your declensions like modified enhanced interrogation techniques. The saddest part was that his smoking hot daughter was in my class, but no-one dared ask her out.

-We had a business teacher who said he was a big fan of "group learning" so he would put us in groups and make us correct our own homework and teach each other while he spent the class time gambling online. We all failed business.

-From an English teacher, I got "Feminism is why I have to be here with you instead of with my own kids".

-I had a teacher in 7th grade technology class, which was essentially a bullshit class made so we would have some basic idea of how basic things like an engine and a battery worked. Anyways, the teacher for that class legitimately didn't do anything all day, would openly hit on this one kid and one day just cussed out the entire class about how terrible we were and how we should all go fuck ourselves. She was almost immediately let go.

-I had a chemistry teacher once tell me, in front of the class, the following: "I think you and I are both glad there are only two weeks left in the school year, because frankly, I don't think I can stand to look at your face any longer than that". It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I was later told what set him off: my relentless correcting all of the typos on his handouts and tests. I thought I was helping.

-I remember getting in shit with a teacher because I got 100% in a test. Apparently, I embarrassed the other kids.

-A math teacher told my mum it was a good thing my little brother was good looking because he was dumb as a post. I also had a PE teacher tell our class that girls shouldn't play sports.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $200?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200".

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.


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Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and said "From listening to ya, I can't help but think you're from Ireland". The other woman responded, proudly "I surely am!

The first one said "So am I! And where bouts in Ireland are ya from?" The other woman answered "I'm from Dublin ". The first one responded "So, am I!! And what street did ya live on in Dublin?"

The other woman said "A loovely little area in the west end; Warbury Street in the old central part of town". The first one said "Faith and begorrah, it's a small world! So did I! And what school did ya go to?"

The other woman answered "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary". The first one got really excited then and said "So did I! So did I! What year did you graduate?" The other woman answered "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1994".

The first woman exclaimed "Good Lord! I can hardly believe the luck of us winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1994 meself!"

About this time, a regular, Michael, walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head and muttering "It's going to be a long night, Michael!" Michael asked "And why's that, Brian?" Brian answered "The Murphy twins are drunk again".


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A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.

So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says "Let me tell you a story... one day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says "Get off your horse". Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says "Now drop your pants". Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says "Now shit". Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I shit. Then he says "Now eat it". Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say "Drop your pants". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say "Now shit". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He shits. Then I say "Now eat it". Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes... I had lunch with him last week"...


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Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said "Whatcha got there son?"

Johnny said "Got me some chicken wire". "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch... with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape". "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said "Got me some pussy willow". The old man said "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"


-Check out the site archives. If you were a friend you would.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I might even try working even longer hours so I can finish on time... *shrug*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray Will make you eat an actual bag of dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you were wondering does everyone just tolerate you then the answer is yes. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.04.09-19.40

Welcome to the metric for everything.

Did you ever notice that one of the greatest movies to come out of the 90's had its plot completely ripped? An FBI agent is sent to infiltrate a gang of bank robber surfers. He discovers his passion for surfing and through the gang leader meets the love interest. Ultimately he goes head to head with this leader who is actually a good guy at heart and now his best buddy before capturing him then letting him go. Yep. I loved Point Break too. Now think of the original Fast & Furious film... exactly the same storyline except you swap surfers for car guys and so on. And I can't help but think that like Point Break, F&F should have just stopped there because the latest installment is an abomination. Like pretty much every guy ever, I'm a huge fan of carnage, senseless violence and general unbelievable stupidity but it can go too far. Here's a couple of noteworthy reasons why [contains spoilers]:

-Furious 7 is the glorification of terrorism - street racers who cause death and maximum destruction where ever they go. They put their own interests ahead of everything and respect no one. Conversely, I'm unsure what motivates the bad guys.

-Every line of dialogue is utter cringe. There's none of it that doesn't cause you to roll your eyes. You will make an involuntary "tsk" noises.

-It doesn't matter how many rounds you hit a good guys car with, they will never be injured and the car will still be drivable. This even applies when being simultaneously hit by 3 x gigantic machine guns mounted on a bus. As long as you duck those armour piercing rounds are practically useless.

-The antagonist drives a car with limo tinted windows through a graveyard past a funeral. Dom, despite being unable to see into the car instinctively knows it's being driven by the man responsible for his friend's murder. He gives chase. They arrive to an underground car park and engage in a game of chicken whereby both cars are destroyed. Both men walk away unscathed but of course the bad guy wins... because, you see, it was his plan all along to drive past the funeral which would cause Dom to chase which would lead to the game of chicken SO HE PREEMPTIVELY HAD HIS FUCKING CHASSIS REINFORCED.

-The Rock spends most of the film in hospital after being blown through safety glass windows and falling several floors by way of a huge explosion created by a disproportionately small explosive. In the final battle, despite injuries including a fractured shoulder something which has kept him bedridden until then, he's able to carry a ginormous Minigun to shoot at bad guys. This was after he drives a stolen ambulance off a bridge, destroying a passing high-tech UAV drone which he could not see. Do you get that? He didn't know where the drone was yet drove off a bridge and hit it. Seems the drone couldn't smell what The Rock was cooking. The drone, of course, was being controlled by a crazed African warlord who himself was inside a highly sophisticated attack helicopter for the purposes killing Dom and his crew... in L.A. How did he get access to a sophisticated attack helicopter in a major U.S. city? Oh and also, did you know street racers are skilled in drone evasion techniques?

-In the end, Dom is involved in yet another horrifically violent car crash as a result of jumping his car through the air to hook a bag of grenades to the helicopter. Brian pulls him from the wreck and begins CPR only to be pushed away by Letty [the aids-patient-esque-and-has-now-lost-her-looks Michelle Rodriguez] who brings Dom back from the dead by telling him she's now regained memory of their love. Dom miraculously regains consciousness, remarking "It's about time".

-You spend literally the entire 137 minutes wondering when Paul Walkers character is going to die. He doesn't. The only redeeming feature of the film is the 2 minute montage where the Brian character drives off into the sunset. It's incredibly fitting and tastefully done.

And that's it. Admittedly we should've expected exactly what we got after that whole gay shit with the tank in FF6. I'm also fucking baffled by the 8.1 IMDB rating. Can only assume it's a nod to Paul Walker. At this point I have legitimate fears that the same level of fucktardedness has been applied to the next big franchise installment due in July. I won't take it well if Terminator Genisys eats a dick.

Alright now we're done with the movie review let's move on to the biggest and baddest motherfucker of an update so far this week. There's something here for everyone. Don't believe me? Well I guess you better check it...


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DisgracefulCrazy Brawl At A Car Dealership Caught On Camera - AwesomenessCan You Outrun The Ball Of Death (Hint: No You Cannot) - Plastic FantasticWoman Has Thousands Of Dollars’ Worth Of Plastic Surgery To Look Like A Sex Doll - So SO CruelThe Walking Dead Are Out To Grab A Late Night Bite To Eat In Brazil - Super MechsAwesome Multiplayer Mech Warrior Fighting Fun! - Bitch PleaseUnprofessional Burger King Employee Assaults Lady Who Wanted Refund For Shake - RevengeGirlfriend Gets Her Sweet Revenge With A Totally Extreme Birthday Surprise Butt Waxing Prank - STFU IdiotsAtheist Argues With Muslim: Who Won This Debate? - Good FolksDog Gets Covered In Hot Tar, Turns Into A Rock—Then Gets Rescued, Then Your Heart Melts

EvolutionGrow Bugs, Breed Bugs, Sell Bugs, Buy Bugs, Evolve Bugs, Race Bugs, Fight Bugs. I Can't Stop Playing This Dammit!!! - Autism AbuseAn Asian On The Spectrum Signs Up For Facefucking.Com... Yadda Yadda Yadda... She Tries To Quit The Scene But They Won't Let Her... - Tiny TitsFrida Gustavsson Titties For Fashion - PsychoRoad Raging With A Chainsaw Because Words Just Aren't Enough These Days - Classy BroadSmoking Hot Pics Of Exotic Babe Cassidy Banks Getting Naked In The Backyard - God DamnCourtney Stodden Cameltoe In Her Crochet Bikini - OMG OMG!No More Squats For This Guy. Ever! - Load BlownHandjobs Can Be Evil... Mostly Awesome Though. - Sad RealitySad Reality Of Living In Russia Addicted To Drugs - Town BikeYou Enter The Girls Toilet And Can Buy A Ticket And Stand In Line For A Quickie With This Shameless Fuckslut During Your Lunch Break

Save MeSave The People Jumping From The Burning Building! Harder Than It Sounds! - Hawt BikiniJessica Alba Hard Pokies In Navy Bikini Would Turn A Gay Man Straight - I'd Cry TooThis Irish Boy Genius Was Crying At A Nicki Minaj Concert.. Until He Received A Hug From Minaj Herself. A Hug He Will Remember For A Long Time... - Holy Fuck! The Very Scary Moment A Huge Leopard Comes Out Of Nowhere And Attacks A Hunter - Little CuntsLittle Hoodlum Cunts Go Down The Street Senselessly Vandalising Cars. Thankfully The Long Arm Catches Up With Them. - Nerd NipsKaley Cuoco Has Some Serious Nips Going On And I'm Loving It - Dirty SkanksI Hate Going Grocery Shopping. But These Pigs Would Definitely Make The Experience A Little More Tolerable - Epic LezAbigail Cums Many Times Under Gabriella’s Skilled Fingers - Tight PussyLittle Blonde Is Not Happy About Banging This Black Guy - StompedBull Quickly Dumps Rider And Stomps On His Head

I've written a book about sexism. It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. "Well, go in the bushes". "What should I use to wipe my ass?" "Use a dollar bill". A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters".
The minister was shaking everyone's hand as they were leaving the church. An elderly man shook his hand and said "Reverend that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible". As the minister stood there dumbfounded, the old man's wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He doesn't mean it - he just repeats what he hears others say".
Nothing says "almost caught masturbating" like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
A man took a poop in a gas station and then realised there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned". The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.


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Some of these are truly hilarious but all of them are truly terrible. It only goes to prove the world is full of fucked up, weird and self-serving people. Enjoy these dating disaster stories. Feel free to submit yours here and I'll post it next time. Check 'em.

-I met up with this guy I had been chatting with online, and after a beer it was clear there was no chemistry. He offered to pay, which I thought was nice, said he needed to get cash, and walked down the hallway to the ATM. I could see the corner of him standing there for a few minutes, then and he came back, paid, and we said goodbye. A few nights later I end up back at the same bar, out of cash, so figured I'd use the ATM. I walked over to where my date had stood and saw there was nothing there, so I asked the waiter about where they'd moved the ATM. He told me they'd never had one. I've heard of people who fake other things, but never getting cash out of an imaginary ATM, and I now have no idea what my date was doing.

-Flame face took me to a nice restaurant to show off his nice expense account. He was a blind date set up by my mother, who is also responsible for Fat Elvis and Ramen Noodle Truck Stop Man. Anyway, he had a lot of product in his hair. A lot. And he somehow managed to catch his paper menu on fire via a candle, then his hair, then also singed his eyebrows. I didn't even get bread. As a nice person, I drove him in my car to the hospital and waited hours while they did whatever to his face. I had peanut butter crackers, and dreamed of Taco Bell. Then I dropped him at his hotel (he was in from out of town on business), and he looked over at me and tried to kiss me. With his hand on my left boob, his face covered in bandages and ointments, he said, "So you wanna come up?" No. I wanted Taco Bell. Get out of my car.

-It was my first date ever, so I was really nervous. When the guy and I met up at the movies, he acted clearly uninterested in me, which was okay because I felt the same way. So I was looking forward to getting the date over with and never speaking to him again. Then about halfway through the movie, I received a text from him asking, "Will you give me a blowjob in the men's bathroom?" I told him I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort and we never spoke again.

-So, I met this guy at a club, he was cute, and we exchanged numbers. He started texting me a lot and asked me out for coffee. We made pleasant small talk: stories about our childhood, sports, favorite TV shows, etc. Then he adds that he always has to fart when he's in the car, at the club, in restaurants, and every time he sits down. I don't say anything, so he follows it up, "Actually, I need to fart right now" and lets one loose in the coffee shop, which I could hear. I said I had a family dinner and left.

-It was back in the early 90's and I had me this really pretty girl from the Air Force when she was stationed near where I live. We had just come from a bar and ran into some friends at local restaurant. We all were eating outside when this puppy came walking through the fence, so we gave it a couple of pieces of bread. Shortly afterwards, a security guard came and demanded that we remove our dog. My date mouthed off, and it was downhill after that. He left, but she was pissed and walked inside. Soon after, we heard glass breaking. I didn't even want to look up, but my buddy says, "Hey, your date is getting arrested!" I just kept eating my soup and told him, "Don't look up. Just don't look up!" When we walked out of the restaurant, she was lying on the hood of a police car, handcuffed. As we walked by, I said, "I'll call you."

-I knew the guy was health-conscious, but when I ordered a chicken salad, he proceeded to inform me that I should not eat the cranberries or vinaigrette dressing due to their "overly high sugar content." After the dietary lecture, he started talking about the contestants on that season's Dancing with The Stars. The conversation turned to people who overcome physical disabilities to rise to stardom, and he looked at me square in the face and said, "Oh, you mean like Helen Keller... wasn't she on 'Dancing With the Stars?'"

We met online, chatted a few times, then decided to meet for a little dinner. She was nice, we made small talk while waiting to order. The waiter arrived and took our orders. After that, she seemed distracted. I tried to make the best of it but it became clear that she was more interested in the server than me. Awkward, to say the least, since the waiter was a woman.

-We're sitting in a booth at dinner getting to know each other, and when she finds out I'm studying psychology in school, and won't stop asking about mental disorders and specifically what people with severe depression act like. When I offered to pay, she began hysterically crying. I dropped her off, and within 15 seconds of her getting out of the car, I got a text asking to go on another date. She wasn't even inside her house yet.

-We discussed what our kids were doing for the summer. He mentioned his 10-year-old son was in Chicago for the summer. "Oh, visiting family?" I asked. "No." "He's in camp?" "No. He's at Ronald McDonald House and then sometimes at Children's Hospital." "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I had no idea your son was ill!" I said, wondering what this guy was doing in the Bay Area on a Match.com date when his kid was dying of cancer in the Midwest. "He's not ill. He's a dwarf and we're having him stretched this summer." CHECK PLEASE!

-Out of the blue a guy I've had a massive crush on for years asked me out for dinner and movie. As a broke college student, this sounded pretty exciting since life for me is pretty much Hot Pockets and textbooks. When the day of our date finally arrived, I waited... and waited... and waited, but no word from him. He was nearly an hour late, so he suggested we skip the restaurant, though I was starving. At the theater, he all but pushes me out of the way to get in front of me in line so he can pay for his own ticket and leaves me to buy my own. Then in the movie, he keeps talking through all of the dialogue. He doesn't want to get dinner afterward. He says he needs to drop me off now so he can go to a party and get drunk.

-When he wore dark sunglasses throughout the entire date, was far from the height he said he was, talked about himself the entire time without even noticing when I tried to enter the 'conversation" made fun of and was condescending about my profession, hunched over his plate gobbling and slurping up the unhealthiest, greasiest item on the menu, then proclaimed that he thought we were very compatible and graced me with an invitation to a golfing vacation with him (despite barely being able to get up from the table and should have had a cane for walking).

-I went on a first date with a guy, and admitted I was not the best at math. He then proceeded to tell me how easy math was, and how he could clearly take my same classes, never show up to any of them, and still get better grades. He then asked me if I knew how to leave a tip; I told him I normally double the tax. He then spent 10 minutes showing me on a piece of paper how to find 15 percent, and was freaking out about the fact that by doubling the tax, I was in fact "over tipping by about 1.5 percent." The horror! He wouldn't let us pay the bill and leave until I showed him I could calculate the exact 15 percent tip.

-A friend set me up on a date with a man who, like me, was supposedly into healthy eating and fitness. We planned to get dinner, but he explained he was a 'fruitarian' (he only eats fruit!), and he was very emaciated so that made sense. I was thinking, where are we going to eat dinner, a fruit stand? Anyway, we went to a Chinese restaurant where he ordered about four fried dishes and inhaled them. He said once in a while he diverged from the fruit thing. I was having a truly terrible time, and I asked him to take me to my mother's house. On the way there, he asked me if I'd give him a massage when I got there. I told him I wasn't feeling very well and left him at the door and walked upstairs. Instead of leaving, this guy started a conversation with my mother and asked her to give him a massage. So there I was trapped on the second floor while my mother gave this fruitarian guy a massage in the living room.

-He showed up at my house slap-assed drunk and scared the crap out of me from a deep sleep by banging on my bedroom windows after the bars closed at 2am. He had the audacity to insist on a booty call.


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One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news" God said. Adam looked at God and said "Well, give me the good news first".

Smiling, God explained "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children".

Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".

Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've got some good news and some bad news" God said. Eve looked at God and said "Well, give me the good news first".

Smiling, God explained "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children".

Eve, very excited, exclaimed "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless".


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The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided "What the heck, I'll try it". He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". Came the reply "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".


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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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-I met this guy online and agreed to meet up for dinner that night. A few hours later, he texts to tells me he is in the hospital and asks me to come visit him, but won't explain why he's there. I agree, thinking maybe he broke his leg or had a car accident on the way to dinner? When I arrive, I discover he's there because he tried to kill himself when he found out his wife wanted a divorce!

-I once went on a date with a guy I met online. He looked normal enough, and I agreed to go on a date with him. We met for drinks, and things were really going well. Handsome, charming, seemingly normal, so I agreed to go on another date with him. We head to a really nice steakhouse, and after appetisers and his third martini, he starts to speak baby talk to me, as in "Would you wike a wittle kissy-wissy?" Our steaks arrive and he reached across the table to cut my meat for me! I'm completely freaked out, decide I'm going to the bathroom, and he asks if I need help wiping. I make it to the ladies' room, where my waitress walks in after me as I'm planning my escape route, and she says, "Um, I was just listening in on your date. Your guy has put a pacifier on your plate. Do you need to get out the back? She winds up sneaking me through the kitchen, and I slipped her a $20 tip.

-I'm feeling terribly awkward trying to come up with an excuse to leave when his family arrives... and he tells them I'm his girlfriend. I left, and for months afterward he continued to text and call me while I ignored him.

-Though we had really hit it off on the phone, when we met in person, my blind date looked nothing like he said he did and spent our entire date talking about how unattractive he is and how women constantly reject him, asking me if I thought he was ugly. I cut the date short, declined a second date, and thought I was in the clear when I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. Then, I got an email from him: not a single word, just a photo of his penis.

-I set up a date with an internet guy who told me he played bass guitar in a band. When I showed up to the restaurant, the waiter was walking me to my table and I noticed a whole corner was cleared out just for me and my date. Apparently he had spread rose petals all over the floor, all the way up to my chair. The table was covered with rose petals as well. I sat there in shock, as the waiter assumed we were celebrating a special occasion, like an anniversary or that he was proposing... not a first date. I was speechless, and the guy says he wrote me a song. He got up, walked over to the corner where his guitar was sitting, and starting playing it and singing a song so loud that everyone in the restaurant looked at us. I got up, kicked the rose petals out of the way, and ran to my car.

-My date told me he wanted to take me to a restaurant out in a ritzy town that was pretty far from where I live. Less than a minute after I get in the dude's car, he's like, "I forgot that you lived so far out. Do you mind if we don't go to the place I suggested?" I said no, not at all. Then he says, "Good, 'cause I don't really feel like driving way out there and then bringing your ass all the way back home. I mean this is just a first date."

-I was a senior in high school, and another senior said he was going to pick me up for a nice dinner that night. I'm wearing a dress and heels, thinking it will be a classy affair. He comes over on his bike and tells me to ride on his pegs! So I hop on, extremely embarrassed, and we ride not to a restaurant... but to a gas station! He buys himself a Pop-Tart and a beef jerky stick, and asks me what I'm buying for myself for dinner. Trying to be nice, I just went along with it, buy myself some a bottled iced tea and say I'm ready to go. He rides me home on his bike then grabs my boobs in my front yard! My dad was watering the garden, and was horrified.

-I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and we went to one of my favorite restaurants. We eat and he orders two drinks. He does not pay for my meal. Then once I pay for my half and leave my tip, he puts down $20 and asks me if I have any more small bills because he doesn't want to break his other $20. I told him to ask the waitress to change his damn $20. We leave the restaurant, and he says, "This always happens to me when I drink rum. It makes me have to pee." We keep walking, and then I realise I'm walking by myself because he stopped to pee in the alley. The romance was palpable.

-On the day of our high school Halloween dance, and one of our friends asked out the new kid down the street, trying to be nice. At our group dinner, his manners were horrid: he ate over half the food that was supposed to be for the entire table, and made a huge mess. A few days after the dance, he acquired a few pictures of our friend from Facebook and sketched them every day until her family moved out of state! (CREEPY) Another one of our friends agreed to go on a date with him, still trying to be nice because he was the new kid. So he "picked her up" for the date in a cardboard box that he drew to look like a car, and the "date" was walking to his house to watch movies with his family.

-A guy took me to the dog park on a date, followed by brunch, where he told me about how he can't have orgasms because he's on Prozac. And oh, could I cover brunch, because he makes "like zero dollars".

-A foreign graduate student from my college came up to me on campus, started talking to me, and asked if I would like to go out to dinner the next night. When I arrived at six, he told me that he had already eaten dinner with his mother. I asked him why he came to the USA; he said, "I came over to find you." He kept talking about me taking off my clothes and how we should go to his apartment. Then he mocked my religious and political views. Then he asked if I had ever done nude modeling and said that I should think about it. I was desperately trying to leave. He then asked me if my breasts were real. I awkwardly replied that they were. He said that "They're very big. Very, very big." I promptly said that I needed to be home in fifteen minutes and that I had to go. He leaned in for a kiss. I looked the other way. Now he keeps calling and texting me.

-It was my first date with a guy I met on an online personals site. We had a couple quick conversations online, but he said he wasn't a great writer so we had agreed to meet for coffee. As I sat, I imagined the really cute guy and unbelievable credentials, and was extremely excited to meet him. Finally a guy sat down and introduced himself as my date, but instead of the 25-year-old I was expecting and was pictured on his profile, he was overweight, balding, and at least 50. He ended up talking to me for at least a half hour about how he was a 25-year-old in a 50-year-old's body, and that the picture was from his youth. Needless to say, I didn't call for a second date.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body".

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my TEST...ICLES... black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - T E S T - R E S U L T S - b a c k?"


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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when she realised her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she STILL couldn't reach the step!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more and, again, was unable to make the step.

About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured that we were friends".


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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said "I do, Father". The priest said "Then stand over there against the wall".

Then the priest asked the second man "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" the man replied. "Then stand over there against the wall" said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "No, I don't Father". The priest said "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now".


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Little Dennis came home from his Lethbridge school one day slightly confused. His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native. So Dennis asks "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing".


Well my work here is done it would seem.

-Check out the site archives. I can't image why you would deprive yourself of browsing greatness...?
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's kind of a thing around here. Thursdays updates done.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will force feed you chunky period blood.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ???. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.04.02-18.45

Welcome to positive narcissism.

I suppose there could have been some big, longwinded bloggy section here today. That's how things usually roll... but tomorrow isn't always the start of a four day long weekend. Sure there's going to be a lot of unhappy people around the world, people whose Orsm fix is more about understanding how the world works thanks to what an ultra-relatable guy like me has to say rather than the hilarious jokes, erotic content and cutting edge video entertainment. Well sorry guys but you'll have to blame Jesus for resurrecting himself or whatever on this long weekend millions of years ago. Happy fucking Easter. Now go forth with your chocolatey fingers and check it...


A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations" she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the distraught mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why. She said "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... "I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".
The morning after pill was originally developed by vets to counteract the possibility of a pedigree pooch being accidentally inseminated by a stray mongrel. It wasn't for use by humans. The eureka moment came one night, when a vet's daughter said "Dad, this is Mohammed..."
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth" she replied. The puzzled driver asks "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied "We just love the chocolate around them".
Dear Mother-in-Law. Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids. I'm married to one of yours and believe me there's room for improvement! Sincerely, Your Daughter-in-Law.
I work in McDonald's and on Saturday, we hosted a little girl's birthday party. My manager told me that the children were acting boisterous. I was asked to deal with the situation. Apparently, erecting a large hand-drawn poster of Ronald McDonald with no hair, lying in bed attached to a chemotherapy drip is "not an ideal nor mature means of quietening down children and is sufficient to bring my employment to an end".
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman says "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat" Vet asks "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman replies "Nay, I've browt it with us".

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Synth-FoolWon’t Someone Tell This Synthol Freak How Ridiculous He Looks? - UnderboobYou'll Want To Be Her Robin After You See The Way She Fits In This Batman Outfit - BiohackedBiohackers Inject Night Vision Into A Man’s Eyeballs So He Can See In The Dark - Thanks Pigs!Indonesian Police Burn 3.3 Tons Of Cannabis And Accidentally Get A Whole Town High - Can't Wait!New 'Mad Max' Trailer Gets Up Close With The Bad Guys - Insta-RegretWant To See A Broken Leg In Super Slow Motion? Watch This Kid's Stupid Stunt - Do U Believe?Is This An Alien Body Found Near Ufo Crash Site In Siberia Back In 2011? Or Just Chicken Skin? - Empire InvadesISIS Takes Tatooine: Tourists Warned To Stay Away From Star Wars Film Locations In Tunisia - $$ MoversAny Description Of A Platform Game Is Going To Sound Lame. But This One Really Isn't. Click The Link And See For Yourself.

Juicy BazookaWhoever Said Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Up Cold Is A Fool - Its Always Best Served Nowwww! - Sex AccidentThis 'Top Quality' Penthouse Hotel Porn Gets Awful Real Fast. Some Say His Dick Is Too Big, Others Say Her Holes Are Too Small. - Those NipsHayley Atwell Pokies On The Red Carpet - Sha RizelSha Rizel Has The Perfect Body For A Tight Fitting Dress... Actually Sha Rizel Has The Perfect Body For Every Situation - Cl-ASS-icJessica Alba In A Bikini Has An Ass That Could Turn A Gay Man Straight - Shit FacedAs If Life Didn't Already Suck Enough For The Poor Guy - Top GunsAwesome Cockpit View Of A F/A-18 Super Hornet Hi-Speed Low-Level Manoeuvres - Butt SexedTwo Brazilian Girls Have Their Poopers Beautifully Used And Abused - Library Batin'Horny Co-ed Stimulates Her Clit In The Library - Split Her!Tasty Teen Gets Fucking Destroyed By A Gigantic Dick. I Don't Know How She Does It!

UntangleOK, It's Time To Put Your Thinking Cap Back On. Great It's On? Hopefully It Works Because You'll Need It To Figure Out This Brain-Teaser! - Hello PainTeen Girl On The Phone Walks Into A World Of Pain On The Crosswalk - BralessLily Allen Braless In White See Through Blouse -Corset LoveSeptember Carrino In A Black Corset Is Beyond Words - No WarningHaha He Didn't Give Her Any Warning Before Dumping A Huge Load On Her Mouth - Splooged!BOOM! Here Comes The Cream. This Bukake Bonanza Is A Home Run For All You Facial Fetish Freaks Out There. Open Up And Say Ah! - Wax PrankGirlfriend Gets Revenge By Tricking Her Man Into An Unexpected Ass Waxing - Sublime BodVirginie Deloyen Is Just Your Run Of The Mill, Epically Hot Nude Chick - Low LivesCowards End Fight With A Mega Cheap Shot - Nasty WhoreTricking Guys Into Smelling Cunt Slime

I was telling my brother how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time and ended up inadvertently having sex with our own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked "Well, not really. I only went back two days"
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and asks Adam where Eve is. "She's in the sea washing herself off" replies Adam. "Crap!" says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know" said the doctor "you really have to learn to trust me"...
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
Home Security:  Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.50 a month!


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-As a freshman in college, I decided to nurse the wounds of a bad breakup with a one-night stand. I should have run in the other direction when the guy told me 'he was working on his memoirs'. He was 19, but I was pretty desperate. The sex itself was awkward, passionless, and boring, but the real treat came the next day. I arrived back to my dorm room in last night's clothes and as I was changing to head to the showers, my roommate noticed something weird on my ass. Turned out the guy had drawn on me while I was asleep... a sailboat, a cat, and a rocket ship, all on my butt, all in highlighter.

-A friend of mine was having boring sex with a one-night stand. She said something to him and he then flexed his arm. She asked "What the fuck are you doing?" to which he replied "You told me to get awesome". She followed with "I told you to GET OFF ME!" My favourite part of this story is that his response to what he thought was a request to "get awesome" was to flex during sex.

-A girl and I were going at it pretty heavily in a parking lot after a date. While driving her home, she began giving me a head. I was getting really fired up and said "I need to fuck you". When we got back to her house, she had decided that it was too risky to go inside, in case her parents were still awake and she didn't want to wait anymore. So, we decided to go for it in the car. My car was small so we decided to go into her car, which was a midsize. Right as we're finishing, a light goes on in her house. We panics. In the scramble to get dressed we somehow hit the alarm button on her key remote. The horn starts blaring and lights flashing. The porch light goes on. Her mum comes onto the porch as we're trying to finish getting dressed, shuts off the alarm, and makes her way over to the car we're now locked in. That was our last date.

-I met a girl one night while I was on vacation and went back to her room. I was really drunk and decided to try some fancy moves; I lost my balance in the process and fell headfirst into the glass sliding door next to her bed. It was tempered glass, so it shattered the entire door.

-So this didn't involve any actual sex, but I invited a guy I'd seen a couple times in for a d. I poured us a couple of drinks and went to use the bathroom, expecting to come out and talk a bit, make out, see where things went. He apparently had a different idea because I came out of the bathroom to find him laying naked on the bed. I also had a kitten, a little monster who had been cooped up all evening. As I tried to decide what to do, my kitten took matters into his own hands and zoomed up onto the couch, pouncing directly on the guy's penis, claws out. I guess he thought it was a cat toy.

-When I was 17 my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. We were both first timers. When he tried to put it in it wouldn't go. We tried and tried and it just would not go in at all! Looking back now I laugh because neither of us knew all we had to do was lube it up. I thought he was too big and I was too small. Good thing we tried again!

-I was seventeen, 69'ing with my high school sweetheart when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. "Busy!" I replied. My dad ignored this reply and opened the door anyway. The end of the bed, where my girlfriend's head (and my penis) were, was right in front of the door. My dad looked down to see my girlfriend with my dick in her hand, said "Jesus Christ" and shut the door. She promptly started crying, then left. He never entered my room again when I replied "Busy!"

-I went home with this big redneck guy after a field party one night, and while we were having sex, his tooth fell out on me. I thought it was sweat because it was dark, but then he said "Could you put my tooth back in my mouth for me?" It was so gross, but we ended up dating anyway.

-My sophomore year, I decided to seduce my Earth Science TA. Anyway, on the ill-fated night, he came over. I guess he was nervous because he just sat at the foot of my bed and rambled for about an hour and a half, meanwhile I'm thinking "Can we do this or not because I have class in the morning". We awkwardly undress in the dark and finally get down to business. He gets on top, and proceeds to just lay there. That's all. Just planking on top of me for a good 10 minutes. Meanwhile I had my phone behind his head and was texting my roommate the horrors that were going on. Then he gets up, and leaves. We never spoke of it again.

-It was the first time my boyfriend and I had sex with each other, which can be pretty awkward. To make things worse it was in the back of his car. So we were doing the business and I was like... something just doesn't feel right down there. I tried changing the position of my hips but there was still a really strange feeling. I tell him to pull out and he says "What the hell!?" and pulls the drawstring from my hoodie out of my vagina.

-Accidentally Face Timed my mum mid-act. Thankfully, she's technologically-deficient enough to where she just held the phone up to her ear normally and kept saying "Hello?" (not seeing anything) while I frantically hit the "End Call" button about a thousand times.

-I was having sex and the condom came off inside of me, and he had to fish it out. Luckily it didn't ruin the mood... it was just extremely awkward for a minute.

-I was 18 and dating this guy for six months. I had a crush on him for the majority of high school. He was a friend of the family and a few years older than me. Being a snarky high school senior, I thought this made me so cool. So anyway, we decide to do it on our six month anniversary. We decided to have sex in a nature preserve which I loved. At sunset, he laid me down on a dried, thawed-out patch of grass and started foreplay. That afternoon I had told him that maybe it wasn't the best idea because I was on my period. He said he didn't mind because I was going to be bloodied anyway. Sound logic, I thought. He slid down my panties and then... stuck his face right down in my bloody crotch. He began performing oral sex, to warm me up. When he finished, he looked like a goddamn character out of Lord of the Flies - blood smeared all over his face and chest. Apparently, eating girls out on their period was a big fetish of his and he decided to wait until that very moment to tell me.

-One time when my boyfriend was lying on top of me I went to move my arm and somehow stabbed him really hard in the nostril with my finger. He let out a big "OWWW" and then loads of blood started dripping out of his nose all over my face and lovely cream bed covers. He had to make a dash to the toilet whilst still completely naked and trying to avoid my mum who was pottering around the house at the time. Needless to say it killed the moment a bit.

-My GF in high school was a year younger and never really drank. I went to a private school in another state and was home for winter break. I had just bought a bottle of vodka because which this girl wasted no time in downing three shots en route to a party. Unfortunately her tolerance was just ridiculously low. She decided she wanted to have sex, which I now realise was a completely stupid idea, but I was a horny teenager. About 5 minutes in, while she is on top, I felt a warm stream coming down from my balls and that crevice between your balls and thigh. She straight up pissed on me.

-Once I was hooking up with a guy for a couple months during the Christmas season. I had one of those clementine oranges sitting on my desk, and while still inside of me, he stopped and started eating the orange. After my incredulous look he said "Refreshment break".


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A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly it also works on him and the woman sleeps very soundly for a change.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.

He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place".


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A man is lying on an empty beach, sunbathing in the nude. He looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself.

The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine.

"A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it".

The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after.

When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep.

The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened.

She told them "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and lit its nest on fire..."


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-My boyfriend wanted to go down on me while I was on my period - he insisted. Funny enough, he came back up gagging and then ran off to puke in my bathroom. Once he finally calmed down he claimed he swallowed a blot clot. It was thoroughly embarrassing and hilarious at the same time.

-Pretty drunk after getting back from a club and kinda full of speed, with my girlfriend who was sober, and didn't know I'd taken drugs. We were messing around on her bed naked but not quite fucking yet, with the stereo on. One of my favourite songs started playing and she suddenly stopped, looked up and asked me if I was, in fact, pumping my fist in the air and singing along quietly rather than paying attention to her. Unfortunately, I was.

-I was 17 and this guy I worked with 'dared me' to sneak into his house and do it with him. He was a virgin too and we were both too awkward to just start making out, but he had this idea that we should play strip poker to get naked, the only problem being, he didn't have any cards. Okay. Once we finally got to the sex part he was undecided about how to proceed. I don't know if he had been watching lots of porn or what, but he would only fuck me for like 30 seconds before making me change positions - like 4 pumps and then flip me on my stomach, and then 4 pumps and then on my back with legs in the air, and then 4 pumps and on my stomach and ass hung off the bed. After about 20 minutes of that shit I was sore and had had enough. I put my clothes back on and snuck back out of the house.

-When a guy I was seeing failed to get me off and made it clear he wouldn't be assisting me to the finish line after he'd cum... I was laying in his bed and touching myself to kind of let him know that I was still in the mood and could use a little help. He just gave me this suuuuper weird look and said "Are you just gonna lay there and do that?" The way he said it made me feel so awkward, since every guy I've been with besides him was a big fan of that particular sight and never had problems finishing me off with oral or something. Hell, I'll even do it myself if you'll grab a boob and tell me something dirty. Jerk.

-She was giving me head in my bedroom and I farted. About 5 seconds later she queefed. We never spoke about it.

-I was head over heels with my friend who was a couple of years older than me, and in a band. As soon as I turned 18, we hung out and decided to "watch a movie". He put on Moulin Rouge and halfway into our hook-up session, I got on top. After a few minutes I realised he was mumbling something. I listened closer and realised he was singing along to the movie. I stopped and asked him if he was singing, and he must not have realised he was doing out loud.

-Went out with this guy for a couple of dates, and when he invited me to his apartment for beers after dinner. He seemed so normal... at first. We eventually hit the sack and while it wasn't amaaaaazing, it wasn't horrible either. It was promising? I chalked it up to the first time awkwards. So we are laying there afterward and I realise he is kind of hiccupping? I sit up, and he is actually crying. Weeping. Full on sobbing. As delicately as I could I said "Uh, hey buddy, what's wrong?" Jesus. Jesus was what was wrong. He had promised Jesus he wouldn't have sex with anyone but his wife. "You don't have one of those, do you?" I asked, picturing a very mad other woman flying in here at any moment. "No, no, I'm not married. But I'm going to hell now! OH MY GOD SO ARE YOU. We have done a terrible thing. We need to pray".

-I was at a bar with a bunch of mates and a friend and I who'd had a few to drink, decided to go for a walk. We found a place at the nearby station that seemed fairly covered up and private enough for a bit of fooling around. Ten minutes, hands downs his pants, my skirt lifted and a bit of making out later, we made our way back to the bar only to notice a large window at the back of the bar looking down directly to where we'd been and a lot of people staring. When we got back to our friends, one of them pulled me aside and said "We saw pretty much everything".

-At girlfriend's house, her parents were out of town on vacation for a week so we thought we wouldn't be interrupted. Her dog came in the room and licked my ass right as I came.

-I was doing it with my girlfriend one time and I was on top. We were really hammering away, and all of a sudden I felt my dog licking my balls and asshole from behind. It was pretty messed up.

-I was dating this guy, and I was attracted to him on an intellectual level because he was so creative, but the physical attraction wasn't very high. He was kind of an awkward lover - if we switched from me on top to him on top, instead of rolling over, he'd stand up on the bed while I laid down. And not only would he stand up, but he would keep thrusting. He'd stand there, shoulders hunched, belly protruding, with his erect dick thrusting at the air... looked like an angry bumblebee about to sting me. It was hilarious and awkward and the least sexy thing I have experienced.

-I lost my virginity in the dark. When the lights came on I had blood all over my hands, stomach, legs, arms, everything. Most terrifying shit of my life. Pissed me off. She said she didn't know she was ragging. I made the bitch sleep on the couch.

-I was at my girlfriend's super rich/religious parent's house around 3am, way later than I was supposed to have been. We were both stark naked and having some great sex. We had the TV a bit loud to mask the noise, I proceed to cum all over her tits and stomach and when I stand up to go to the bathroom and clean up I turn around and see her father in his bathrobe just glaring at me. He just witnessed me jizzing all over his daughter and with my dick in my hand still dripping. Most awkward moment of my life!

-I was going down on my boyfriend and he was getting really into it, grabbing my head and thrusting. The deep throat was getting to be way too much, so I pushed myself away from him and instantly began to throw up all over my lap, on the floor, and almost on his penis. My boyfriend just watched in horror, but he was quick and grabbed stuff to clean the mess up. He couldn't even laugh about it for another hour or so, while I was practically in tears from laughing so hard.

-Once a girl I was seeing wanted me to use anal beads on her while we did it doggy style. I'm not really into butt stuff so I didn't know what I was doing, but I went along with it. Since I was new to the whole thing, I didn't know you're supposed to pull them out SLOWLY. I pulled them out like I was rip-starting a lawn mower. The result? One screaming woman, one horizontal shit-fountain, one ruined bed and one ended relationship.

-My boy and I came home in the middle of the night after being at a party, and, in the drunken state we were in, started going at it in the lounge room on the couch. It took us about 10 minutes to finally realise that his dad was asleep in the armchair across from us!

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe". said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected".

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad" exclaimed King Arthur "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.


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The Smith's had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you" Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies". "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out".

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results".

"I hope we can get this over with quickly" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure". "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London". "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with". The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look". "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in".

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work".

"TRIPOD?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"


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One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked "What are they doing?"

The Husband answers "They're roping".  "I see" replies the bride.

After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex. Again the bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers "They're roping!" She replies "Oh ,I see".

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They wash up and start to get ready for bed. When they get in the bed, they finally start to explore each other's bodies.

The bride discovers her husband's penis. "What's this?" "That's my rope" he answers. She slides her hand down a little further and gasps "What are these?" "They're my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asked "What's the matter honey?"

The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"


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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it".

She continued "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that!"

Then the grandmother said "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family!"

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family!"


So long, farewell, auch wiedersehen, good night.

And remember just because it’s a long weekend doesn’t mean you should drive like an idiot. Four people lost their lives here in one day here last weekend. Very sad and their families must be devastated but spare a thought for the poor motorists who were subsequently stuck in traffic jams as a result. That shit is highly inconvenient. What I'm trying to say is don’t kill yourself just to annoy peeps.

-Check out the site archives. Because it will sure as hell be more fun than doing Easter stuff with your fam...
-Next update will be next Thursday. BOOM! Roasted.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray replace you're chocolate with... chocolate...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and EAD Bob. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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