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August 2005...
orsmupdate 2005.08.25-22.57
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Beware of the lentil for its power is mighty and your bum will smell.

How the hell is everyone this week? Did you miss me? I've got to admit it's odd that we're at Thursday and I'm in a bloody good mood. Usually around this time I am doing my head in trying to finish an update whilst wishing desperately the weekend was already here. So why am I in a good mood is the next question? To be honest - fuck knows! There's been the usual tirade of annoyances working against me but I am resilient and shall prevail...

Cast your mind back to last Saturday. First time in aaages we went out for a shot... fire some guns and that kind of thing. As always it was a crap load of fun but one thing for sure is that without practice I completely and utterly suck.

Anyway on the way home I noticed my car was making a rattling kind of sound. We had a look under the hood and saw some screws were loose on the alternator. No big deal because the car was still running and besides that appeared to be all okay. After that I took the car home and left it for the rest of the weekend.

The Saturday nite was a good one. First time in far too long that we hit the town for an evening of drinking and catching up with old friends. The only problem was trying to get home at 3am. Due to the damn rugby having been on the line for a cab was bloody long and bloody slow... I think I actually came pretty close to getting myself belted too - some drunk, angry looking Scottish guy asked me for a light. I obliged and drunkenly replied "yep no probs - you owe me a hand job now by the way". I don't think he got the joke because the look on his face was one of 'WHAT THE FUCK!?' which he followed up by calling me a faggot. Funny shit. Incidentally it's the same cab rank that I may or may not have been assaulted by the butch lesbians a year previous.

Monday rolled around and I took the car down to the auto-electricians to fix their shoddy workmanship. It didn't take long to realise that the cause of the problem was an engine pulley which in turn rattled the alternator screws loose. The charged me $30 for the 15 minutes and I was on my way to drop the car off for a long overdue service and so they could deal with the pulley thing.

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After I managed to do some sweet talking and get a ride home I forced myself to tackle the mountain of paperwork that has been piling up. I literally haven't touched it since I moved in here so I'm around 2-3 months behind. In the mix were dozens upon dozens of unopened letters [mostly bills] that I never got around to sorting through. This turned out to be a bad thing except probably for the people at Visa.

Much to my displeasure there was everything from reminder and disconnection notices for the home phone, my mobile phone, electricity, gas, water rates, council rates, car registration plus a variety of other bits and pieces that needed urgent attention. I am truly amazed that nothing got cut off come to think of it. The worst part - I don't really have anyone else to blame except for myself [believe me I tried but couldn't think of anyone].

I spent most of Tuesday waiting for a call from the mechanics telling me what they usually do: "Hi. We've found a problem with your car that really needs urgent attention. We'll need you to bring a disgustingly large cheque down here to cover it. Muhahahaha". Surprisingly when they did call it was to say that the broken bits were covered under the until now completely fucking useless extended warranty they shoved down my throat when I bought it AND they had fixed a couple of other things which also ended up being covered. It was about then that I fell of my chair. After I picked myself up I hurried down there before they changed their minds.

Aside from all that I have been working like a Chinese kid sewing soccer balls around the site this week. There are so many little bits and pieces that need attention I thought I had better get busy fixing them before I lose interest or summer gets here... which ever comes first. Anyway, if you find anything around the site that doesn't work how you were expecting then please drop me a line! Now let's get on with this bad boy...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's time again for wild college partying folks, and GroovyBus! is feeding the freshman girls all the booze and "stuff" to get em loosened up. This week's GroovyBus.com update includes a wild blonde red cup tipping girl who wants more than a single pee pee to tickle her back teeth - of coarse this was a suprise to her boyfriend.... where parties begin and exgirlfriends are made - GroovyBus! displays the un sober videos of the intoxicated overconfident college girls from a college frat party near you. What ever you do - DON'T MISS THE 'BUS!

300 girls and just one password to remember, visit New Sensations to get that old familiar feeling of pure pleasure. If that feeling seems familiar, it might just because of all the faces you'll recognize here, like Crissy Moran and Skye Lopez starring in ever popular hardcore scenes of carnal destruction.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Painful - WakeUp Call - Serving In Iraq - Scary Octopus - Pamela Anderson Porn - Best Ass EVER

Japanese Hotel - Body Painted - Homemade - Yoda Phone Sex - Babe Hotness - Ride The Cock

I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

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Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

Three couples are about to play golf: an Engish couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, heres $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."


The more I watch this the more I wonder what my reaction would be if I saw these two guys jogging [if you want to call it that] down the street. It's obviously a piss take and its obviously for a bit of fun but you can see from the expressions on peoples faces they don't quite know what to make of it. Check it...

- Let's Get Physical -

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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Okay guys time to get busy and start sending me some email! You've all been a touch quiet over the last week or so and I'm starting feel unloved. You don't want that do you? I'll say what I always say - I've you've got something cool to send me, something to say, some interesting pics, an unusual vid or just feel the need to tell me how much of a fucktard I am then you may do so here.

Stephen wrote:
Subject: Pics for update
ORSM, Excellent pics of the Space Shuttle Discovery Launch.

Amazing pictures! -Orsm

click for gallery
click for gallery

Grant wrote:
Subject: Art lovers delight
Hey Mr ORSM. Have been checking your sight for years and have made a few contributions in the less tasteful areas of art, like image manipulation of people we hate. But this time its something new for the more cultured folk who like to spank. This is a sculpture i recently did in Brisbane City ( Australia for our yank mates out there ) No not where they go skiing.

It was originally done in a bronze coating but some vandals got to it, so i have redone it in 316 stainless steel panels. What a job.!!!! Any rev heads, or engineers out there who have worked in the material will know what i mean. Each pieces was abrasive cut and then hand beaten on an anvil to get the form to match up. Then a down thru the grades sanding process and finally a polishing technique. So you could say about 30 minutes to an hour for each panel. 500 panels and 2652 rivets late we had this. Hope it brings a smile to some peoples faces....

Any mega rich dudes who check out your site and want to order a similar work, i would love to hear from you. And if it comes thru the ORSM site ill give Mr ORSM a 10% cut..... Someone has to pay for this cool stuff... Anyway. Keep up the great work on the best 'bloke Site' on the whole net... many copy but few achieve... Would like to send a pic of my cute girlfriends butt, but she would have a spaz attack...

J wrote:
Subject: Up Late With Hotdogs!
Hi Mr Orsm, "Long time listener, first time caller". Just wondering if you've come across uplatewithhotdogs.com yet. There was a link to it in the Sydney Morning Herald online. Check it one time.

I honestly feel embarassed to call myself a human being after watching that show. -Orsm

Just0 The Great wrote:
Subject: hey
Hey man hows it goin, been checkin out ya site its not bad bit of entertainment while im unemployed with fuck all to do, i like you fucked my back in a car accident, check it out, hey was in the back of me mates troopy when he corkskrewed it off a 7m drop round a corner. good to see a decent aussie site , fuck all aussies have porn sites or porn on there sites , luv ya xf man, falcons are the bomb i got a XA done up as the mad max cop car,and a EL, but scince i lost my job i cant really fund the xa anymore :/, check it out anyway.

Nick Sullivan wrote:
Subject: Relo's
G'day. This is my girlfriends, sisters, husband (or brother in law, whichever is easier to say) but I saw this the other day in an old photo album and I was like, fuck.. He's dead set The Bell Ringer. It was on big boys first and then on Rove but I knew him before he was famous!

click to enlarge

Harvey wrote:
Subject: mans best friend
Hi there , Love your site and the various pic's that come through it, and thought you may like a pic of my son and the family pet. I love it and every one that sees it does to. Hope to see it on your site while surfing one day. keep up the great work.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ronald
Found this photo on a photo album for messenger. thought u might like it mate. no doubt this bloke isnt the first to do this. I'd like to see someone photoshop it so that RONNIE'S hand is on his head. I always thought Ronald was queer... striped stockings, wig and makeup.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
spent 1/2 hr with photoshop and ronald but ran out of time and patience. here is the result. please do not publish details if it makes it onto your champion site.

click to enlarge

Hugo wrote:
Subject: Answer To Smash & Grab Thefts Only in South Africa
Good day, a few weeks ago I submitted the Brakpan /Boksburg limosuine. Old Ford Escort, would you mind posting this on yor site, I am sure all the South Africans browsing you site will have a good chuckle Thnx. LOOK... a "Proudly Brakpan" product... I can see this is going to be all the rage............... will catch on like wildfire.............

click to enlarge

T. CASSIDY wrote:
Subject: Restaurant
Orsm, I just got back from a vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. While I was down there I saw this restaurant and had to take a picture. I thought you and your viewers would want to see it.

click to enlarge

UK4220 wrote:
Subject: cool photo
just something that might fit in the cool photo section (taken in downtown chicago)

Cool pic. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Joseph Dyke wrote:
Subject: Hello My name is Joe and your site is great.
I wanted to send you these pics of the aftermath of an accident my brother was involved in. A truck slammed him from behind when he was at a red light, then was pushed into two other vehicles. Not only did he survive, he only has bruises on his chest and left arm. Be careful out there. Thank You.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Shorty wrote:
Subject: pic
Just wanting to get an opinion from you and website viewers..

My opinion is we need a better quality pic! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Keith wrote:
Subject: cheat pic
Righty-o, try this one. Only a pic, but this is the fast way to work out all the cheats for console games. Or, you could be like me, and wait 2 weeks for them to appear all over the internet, posted by people that build things like that in the picture.

click to enlarge

Dilz wrote:
Subject: hello
Hey mate... Have been a long time follower of your site. Thought I'd give something back to the community with these pictures of this girl i am banging in the UK. She sings opera so you can imagine the noise she puts out. Will try and get some better quality photos. Keep up the good work

click for gallery

Gettino Laurent wrote:
Subject: video/movie
hello, here a personal video which I made in a park attraction in Belgium. has Sixflag, I am on the "Dalton terror", an attraction has great shiver, I éspère that it video will like to you. thank you in advance.

click to watch vid

Shadow wrote:
Subject: Funny clips from London radio show
Hi Mr ORSM, Love your Excrement site! ;) In the UK especially around London, we have an excellent breakfast radio show. Kiss 100's Bam Bam breakfast. The 3 guys like to pull funny stunts with the unsuspecting public and get up to amusing stuff. One guy goes out and is put on loudspeaker in the studio while he is on hands free on his mobile so you can hear everything. Sometimes they also video it. The guy here in this video, has a car with a very loud sound system and has parked down a quiet residential road very early in the morning. He wakes up a house with the sound of a helicopter and a very bright torch! Check it out.

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video: Funny, my friend dancing
You should check this out. My friend dancing like an idiot. Oh please, anonymous please. He does read orsm.net

Is it weird that this turns me on? -Orsm

click to watch vid

Subject: greetings from michigan
Greetings, Here is how not to drift your dads fucking corolla you dumb fuck who ever this is, this video is from pakistan by the way, too many hawty pompous rich weeners in there.

click to watch vid

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks... "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy Moly!

No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that - Do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once, I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1000?" The hooker replies, "$1500." "$1500!? My God! No blow-job could be worth that! A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?" The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy.



This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.


I went to extraordinary efforts to make sure I had plenty to choose from when compiling this weeks RS and I think you guys will agree the results are superb... or not. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"

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A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag.

A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"

All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again...

This little vid may very well blow your mind! Sometimes the simple things in life are all it takes and when you put three of the hottest lesbians on the face of the earth together all in the name of pleasure, that something simple turns into something magical. If you don't believe me then check the vid and if you want more [like I know you will] click here!

- Girls Hunting Girls: Nicolette, Jana & Nikki -

click here for more

Well boy-o's and girl-o's that is pretty much that. We're done for another week and I may as well take the opportunity while it presents itself and say that this update was an absolute pleasure to do. Hopefully you guys all got as much out of surfing it as I did bringing it together and you all better damn well check back in next week! And don't forget to tell you friends!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a good weekend! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.08.18-23.59
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Welcome to Orsmnet. My name is Ray and I'll be your host this week. Please take your seats and prepare to begin.

Unfortunately Mr. Orsm was too busy trying to trim his toenails so he has asked me to take the helm for an update and get his blog in order! It's one of those things that I reluctantly do, like giving him big brother details before they happen so he can impress his friends! Yes I know it's shocking - he actually DOES have friends.

For so many years I've wondered what I would say, if I was in this position. Writing a blog for a mate's website is a lot like driving his car... You really want to go all out, doing things you wouldn't dream of doing behind your own pride and joy but of course those feelings of a guilty conscience come flooding through and you have no choice to behave yourself!

Nonetheless, let's get down to business! If you're a return visitor, I'm sure no introduction is needed. But for you new people, we only have one rule around here... everyone looks, nobody quits. If you start from the top of the page you MUST get to the end before you're allowed to breathe.

Normally Orsm will use the next few paragraphs to crap on about details of his personal life so in fitting with the status quo I probably should bore you with the morbid details of my own existence. So here goes...

Well, it's been a pretty full on week for me. I blew a gasket on my cars exhaust, and after having spent $1020 on parts and labour you would've assumed the job would've been done. Oh but of course not! I've worked out the definition for mechanic:

Mechanic (n): One who can purposely fuck up your car but you still accept his bullshit as fact and pay him.

click here for more

Leaving my boost control solenoid off, I was left at the factory waste gate setting. Later finding the solenoid unplugged, I returned it to its harmonious powered up state. Upon driving my car, my turbo did a wonderful job of over boosting by 15psi and launching one of my intercooler hoses into the stratosphere.

You return to the mechanic and scream your guts out, only to be met with a casual smile and conversation that gets you wondering whether or not you had done this all on your own. Disconnect the battery, reset the ECU... and she's back to normal. Let me turn that noun to an adjective noun.

Mechanic (adj) (n): One who can make you feel like a complete moron, upon fixing a problem that was his fault in the first place.

No offence to all the wonderfully good mechanics out there, just wish there were more of you around. Isn't that what life is about though. What do they say, light is faster then sound. That's why people seem bright to you hear them speak. You get one idea about something only to find out it's the complete opposite. I guess that's the way I've found this site. Easy enough to send Orsm ludicrous amounts of SMS, instant messages, carrier pigeons and explosive mail telling him how piss easy his site must be to maintain when in reality it's been one of the hardest things I've had to write.

So now it's time to sit back, crack a fatty and absorb all that Orsm.net has to offer. Be like the sponge, soaking in all the wonderful goodness, only to let it out again, getting the car wet and having to start from the top again! Stay Frosty! Ray.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a quality media/humor site! IdleRiot is no longer the newest kid on the block, but they are still pushing forward as if they have something to prove. They still pump out media DAILY, offer monthly contests, and so much more. And from what I hear... It's only going to get better. Do yourself a favor and check out IdleRiot.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Take the GroovyBus! to campus. Gotta love college girls... especially the hotties that like to party and drink till they're horny! GroovyBus! has some fascinating wild party action video footage including some nice blonde college honeys doing unthinkable acts behind locked (and unlocked) dormatory doors. The little miss perfect A+ Physics major goes to frat party and gets teamed up on under the influence - now that's a amateur sex party to see! I won't even mention the ex-girlfriend videos here - that was just revengeful exploitation! "Rock out with your cock out!" Do a drive-by Groovybus!

If Danni Ashe makes you hot and bothered, you can stop googling her name. Who has time to look through over 280 000 results anyway? Save yourself some time and just go to her Hard Drive site to download thousands of high quality photos and video.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Insane Skills - Weird Fuckers - Ugly Is You - The Copenhagans - Great Rack - Paris Hilton Phone Sex

Beer Life - Maybach - Celebrity Kids - Porn Or Pop - Down & Dirty - Dr Phil: Owned

A man walks into a Barbarella's store and says to the assistant "I'm looking for an inflateable doll". The assistant says "Ok, do you want a male or female?". "Female" he replies. "Black or white?" asks the assistant. "White" he says. "And what religion, Catholic or Muslim?" the assistant asks. The man says " Look I just want an inflateable doll, what's religion got to do with it?" The the assistant replies "Well the Muslim one blows itself up".
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure - she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him,Doctor?" The Doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

click here for more

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"


I am happy... no... I am proud to present to you guys another clip from my man in front of the cam - Robert Hoffman. This week we see Rob roaming the streets terrorising random civilians in his own unique way. Make sure you take note of the urinal scenes... I came close to pissing myself laughing whilst watching them. Check it...

- Public Antics -

click here for more


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Who ever said they never get anything good in the mail? Not me... my inbox has been swimming with all sorts of goodies and what better way to share the joy than to post them here for your perusal. For all the un-cool people that haven't sent me anything, shame on you! But you can make amends by sending me pics of your hot naked girlfriend, your car, something I have seen ten thousand times or pretty much anything else even remotely interesting. All you gotta do is click here and send, send, send!

RA wrote:
Subject: compliments
I enjoy everything about the site except the picture of my mom. I pleaded with her to delete those awful pictures. Please do all of us a favor, no more wrinkled stuff, huh? She thinks it's funny. The wife and daughters are livid. The boy continues to encourage mom but refuses to look at the web site. Is that bad? I don't know. Please don't put my address on the site. Thanks.

João Brandão wrote:
Subject: Knowing the world you live in
Hi. I just saw on your website a submission from a guy called "Serge Cooreman", about some flags showing the main problems with the respective country. I just wanted to say that the submiter is wrong. This was not made by any diplomat or anything like it. This was an ad created by a Portuguese news magazine called "Grande Reportagem" (you can even see the name of the magazine on the pictures). But the company responsible for the ad did in fact win some awards with it.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: blackhawk helicopter video
the United States Marine Corps doesnt fly Blackhawks. only the army does.
Babis Greece wrote:
Subject: Denmark nights...
Check this site m8, for gorgius Copenhagen girls. WOW

VirginiaG wrote:
Subject: Soccer: Brazil v Argentina
Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad to show the Brazilians what they were going to do to them. Brazil won the match and their Football organisation replied to the ad.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Brian wrote:
Subject: RE: Cry over it
Hey Orsm, I have been a fan of the site for years, but this is the first time I have ever had anything to contribute.. While looking through the last update I came across a picture, someone submitted, titled "cry over it".. After seeing that picture I couldn't get a thought out of my head until I was able to modified the original.. Now we can all cry with laughter ; )

click to enlarge
VirginiaG wrote:
Subject: Anthony Mundine
In the spirit of the George Foreman Grill, we now have the Anthony Mundine Grill !
click to enlarge

Prape McPrape wrote:
Subject: Jesus with a plane
My younger brother goes to a catholic school, and so there's little statues of Jesus everywhere. Someone threw a huge paper plane at one of them, and it landed perfectly in Jesus' outstretched hand. He got the shot with his phone.

click to enlarge

ph dh wrote:
Subject: What the fuck?
Great Site as you know - especially the reader mail... there's always something stupid going on out there. Not only your favourite part of the site! (I like to see how the world's grandiosity and difference reflects in every single mail - particulary when poeple send pics of their own genitals.) I've just explored the google earth shit myself and got the coordinates of this building in San Diego from a friend... Weird buildings they have over there, eh?

click to enlarge
Lancerlot wrote:
Subject: my friend's remix and a semi-humourous pic
Hey Mr and/or Mrs orsm. Top site, always entertains for hours... post this stuff if you feel it's worthy of your bandwidth. For those out there who are fans of homestar runner, my friend made a remix of satisfaction and the system is down strong bad techno.... for those people that dont know what homestar runner is, check it out, almost as good as orsm.net. And here's a pic of a cdr cover, they now make cdr's to be 'sex compatible' so all those porn addicts can burn their shit to disc.... (ps. Texans are retards)
click to enlarge click to listen

deolemn1 wrote:
Subject: i love your site heres a the pic...
i've been a fan of your site for about 2 yrs now and i have a pic for your pryless collection this is my neighbor dennis and after a case of bud light he became danikwa the make-up man and i would love for you to add this to your collection..

click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: fan signs
Hi here are some fan signs if you like maybe you could plug my site aznfetish.com. would appreciate any help I can get, thanks.

Awesome! This makes my day! More at AznFetish.com. -Orsm

click for gallery

LC wrote:
Subject: clever
Yeah, it's really clever to have a few and then take your boat home. Literally, take it home (or at least as close as you can...)

Looks expensive too... whoops. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Boundary Waters Wildfire
Here are some pics from the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wildfire that happened in Northern Minnesota, close to the Canadian border, this month.

click for gallery

Kieran Fernandez wrote:
Subject: Public Nudity - Edgewater
Note the Western Australian licence plates, and the Peak servo, you'll also see from the auto shop that it's the Edgewater one. Wonder where I was when this happened...

These pics have been floating around for a while now. Does anyone have any info on them? -Orsm

click for gallery

Chrs wrote:
Subject: Winding Up Mature Ladies
Mr ORSM, Great site, I've been a devotee for years. I have recently taken up the hobby of winding up mature ladies - getting them to mail me pics of themselves in various states of undress. Highly amusing - well for me anyway. Here are the pics of latest 'conquest' Rian - would be great if you could include them on ORSM.net

click for gallery

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Seat Vs Truck
this is a bit of a reality check

True. I was left feeling very much like I never want to crash head on into a truck. -Orsm

click for gallery

socal loves you wrote:
Subject: finished room
cheers for posting the last pics, here is his finished room, not much else, but we made his girlfriend help and the rainbow is wonderful.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: A few pics for the orsm.net site
My fiancee and I have been reading your site for a year and a half now and thought it was about time we sent something in. Here are a few pictures I took of her while having some fun. Hope you and the rest enjoy!

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: sturgis 05
Finally i have some cool shit to send in.. i feel like im writing my first letter to penthouse magazine!! HAHA! so i take the long haul up to stugris!! what a party.. my buddy wants to arm wrastle.. so wtf? go for it.. and as you can see in the video... his new nick name is Rice Crispy..... cause they go... SNAP CRACKLE POP... like his Humorus bone did.. clean break just above the elbow. you can hear the POP and him go ARGH!... fuckin amazing hes all doped up right about now..

click to watch vid

John Heylin wrote:
Subject: Balls!
This is a buddy of mine getting it full-on in the nuts, thought it'd put a smile on your face.... Love the site, Random Shite is the best.

click to watch vid

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

click here for more

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a Healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached said, in Capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!!!"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should eventually make a full recovery.



One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."



Confucius say any man too scared to click the links is a pansy ass little bitch...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

click here for more

That's a wrap people. I hope and pray with all my soul that you got as much enjoyment out of surfing this bad boy as I did slapping it all together. Also, if you enjoyed or for that matter hated Ray's blog then I'd love to know about it. Drop me a line here.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to rug up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.08.11-23.59
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't want to kill you but I vill... I have a shotgun in ze boot... I don't want to use it but I vill...

I'm kind of at a loss what to blog about this week but what else is new? I actually feel like I have some sort of writers block happening. Everyone who has ever read my ramblings knows I can't write for shit but lately it's been a harder than ever to string a few hundred words together. Perhaps I just suck at sucking more than ever before...

On the other hand there hasn't been a hell of a lot going on around here so subject matter is hard to come by. The only highlight of the last week was a friends' wedding, which for the record, was awesome. There's a lot to be said for small weddings and I think most of it has to do with access. By that I mean when there is over a hundred people there you're lucky if you get more than a few words in to the bride and groom because they're so busy doing wedding stuff. When you bring it down to fifty or sixty the atmosphere seems more chilled out and the whole thing feels more personal.

Moving on... I was asked the other day what I think of living alone now that I finally am. To be completely honest it's not a lot different than before. The most noticeable thing is that where there used to be someone else around evenings and weekends, now there's not. Kind of obvious now I say it...

Thinking about it now, we had a pretty good set up anyway. We never had any problems with waiting for the bathroom to be vacant [because 99% of the time I was asleep until long after everyone had left for the day], the house was big enough to spread out and not be under each others skin constantly and we were able to do our whatever, whenever and however. I guess you don't appreciate something until it's gone...

click here for more

The only thing that I thought I may have trouble with was lack of people interaction. I had thought that being in a house by myself may have led to becoming more isolated than I wanted but it's definitely been quite the opposite. I'm located a lot more centrally to the family now so I see a lot more of them plus it's the same deal with my mates. In other words - so far, so good.

Anyway on to this weekend... I had fully intended on doing some gardening. Weeds are popping up fucking EVERYWHERE and they're starting to annoy me. The only problem with my plan thus far is that the weather forecast is for rain and storms so it may be a little hard to stay motivated.

I've still got a million little jobs that need to be done inside the house. Deadlocks for the doors, painting my computer room, repainting my [abortion of a] bedroom, new tap washers to stop the drips, plus whatever else I have been putting off for the last few weeks. Should be another fun weekend - anyone want to come give me a hand...?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Take the GroovyBus! to campus. Gotta love college girls... especially the hotties that like to party and drink till they're horny! GroovyBus! has some fascinating wild party action video footage including some nice blonde college honeys doing unthinkable acts behind locked (and unlocked) dormatory doors. The little miss perfect A+ Physics major goes to frat party and gets teamed up on under the influence - now that's a amateur sex party to see! I won't even mention the ex-girlfriend videos here - that was just revengeful exploitation! "Rock out with your cock out!" Do a drive-by Groovybus!

I like my porn sites like my girlfriend's tits, big and easily accessible when the crotch cravings begin. I found my answer to those old familiar feelings in the form of over 300 naked chicks offered under the title of New Sensations. If you spell relief, p-u-s-s-y then it's got the cure for you.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Magnetic - Lethal Mistake - Owned - Careful What You Screw - Tasty Teen - Paris & Tara Drunk

Porn Top List - Speechalist - Shenanigans - Puzzling - Busted! - Spinnerz - Muff Dive - Sensational

Towel Heads. Recently I received a warning about the use of that politically incorrect term. Please note: we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts, our religion, our freedom, and our way of life in general - and want to kill all of us for the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called "Towel Heads". This is because the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward you should only refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
The other day, while sitting alone at the bar, Bill looked around and noticed that every other guy was with a girl. He thought to himself, "I'll bet I have more porn on my hard drive than any of these losers."

click here for more

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If she can not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"... No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"... Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"... Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"... Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" His wife says "Bob, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

click here for more

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter, Jill.

I hate to admit it but I have been enjoying Aussie Big Brother this year and it's almost to the point where I'll miss it when everything is over. The housemates have been entertaining, there's been plenty of nudity and even the odd occurrence that has come close to shocking me... then I saw this clip from UK Big Brother. All I can say is this chick is WRONG! Sure, she isn't the first female to stick a wine bottle up herself and she won't be the last but doing it this publicly definitely shows what kind of girl she is. Check it...

- Big Brother UK: The Wine Bottle Incident -

click here for more


This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing $10 dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied "I will if those useless cunts at Bunnings ever bring us the fucking plasterboard."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Is there anybody out there? It feels like you guys have gone quiet on me this week! The usual 10 kabillion emails flooding my inbox was more like 5 kabillion. If you would like to be one of the good people who makes my day by sending me a humorous story, a funny joke, some cool pictures or some naked pictures of your hot girlfriend then all you gotta do is click here and make the dream into a reality.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Aussies
Thatmosis here, As a follow up to your joke on terror alerts you forgot the Aussie one. The Australians have increased their terror alert from "fuck I hope the Cricket/ Footy/ Tennis/ Swimming is still on" to their highest alert "fuck I hope the Cricket/ Footy/ Tennis/ Swimming is still on".

Cmechbill wrote:
Subject: newslines?
Hi Mr Orsm. the 'report' from the newslines, its bloody hilarious and hits on target, the bit about Britain "make another cup of tea" and "remain resolutely cheerful" are a known trait, unfortunately the 'terrorists' have forgotten the final trait, its determination to WIN. Thanks for the laugh, keep it up Mate,best regards Bill.

Mel & Bruce wrote:
Subject: finding out
i am trying to find out on how to become a member on your site.i have looked but cannot see anything there.thanking you waiting for your reply

Please send a cheque for $1000 to the address listed here. Thanks. -Orsm

Anon wrote:
Subject: Simply Orsm
Hey orsm, Looks like everything your posting is causing a bit of a shit stir now hahaha. Congrats! I'm sure it will cause more hits to the website anyhow. Well done on the recent content though mate. In regards to the other guy saying subaru is becoming the new volvo... good on you for your top speed. I realise people think this is stupid and illegal and blah blah blah, but I will always try something once (yes there are a few comebacks to this.. you know what I mean). Thats the first and last time I do anything like that again on a normal road. As it was the car can't handle going so fast anyhow. At the end of the day as long as no-one is hurt then whats the problem? Keep up the awesome work!

Brewin4u wrote:
Subject: I cry bullshit!!
Dr. Orsm, The submission posted on last weeks update:
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Vtec
<snip>First pic is of my honda 1.6 Vtec. The second one is of the speedo and like you can see it goes for a little 1600. The 3rd pic is the rpm counter at limiter. All the pic is not at the same date and time.

Check out the third pic... You can just make out the speedometer. Sure the RPM is maxed but he's sitting still... Casts doubt on the authenticity of the speed pic #2, can't see outside the windows, cars probably on jacks in the driveway... What a pussy.

Robert S. Gilbert, Esq wrote:
Subject: Two problems with this week's update
The photographs of the Nudist Camp Action were not from a nudist camp. They are from a Swinger's campout. Swingers and Nudists are two completely different lifestyles.

The "Russia Safety at work" video does not have an accurate discription. For more details, please follow this link. They are miners who are on strike. There's no doubting the fact that the gentleman with the muddy face is quite drunk, but it has nothing to do with a mining accident.

alexej wrote:
Subject: ebay bidding tip
hi. a good way to guarantee winning bids is to sign up for a site like auctionstealer.com for free. you can enter the ebay item number plus your maximum bid and the site places the minimum amount needed to win the bid as little as 2 seconds before end of auction. the only way to loose out is if someone is prepared to bid more than your maximum. enjoy winning on ebay.

Bastian wrote:
Subject: letter to the editor
in response to the rant of < Patrick> in your last update:
Patrick wrote:
Subject: Response to Mark Anderson
Mr. Anderson - Having been to Iraq and Afghanastan several times (I just got out of the US Navy), the only people glamourizing the war are the media outlets <snip>

The author claims to have been stationed in Afghanistan several times during his career in the US Navy but does not even know how to properly spell the name of said country. If this is typical of representatives of the U.S. armed forces deployed abroad, one need not wonder why great parts of the world have mixed feelings about the US military.....

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beauty salon in London Joke
Hey Orsm, just wanted to say i've been a fan of your site for a couple of years but i think it's a little bit low to make jokes about the recent terror attacks in London just for a cheap laugh! I'll have you know that since all this trouble, bus fares have gone through the roof and it now costs an arm and a leg to ride on the underground! ha ha. I've attached a picture for you which was put up, supposedly for peoples safety, thought it was quite amusing. Cool site mate, keep it up.

click to enlarge

John Donald wrote:
Subject: 100-year rain
This could be a PhotoShop trick but who knows. This phenomenon is caused by what is often called " the 100 year rain " in the deserts of this part of the country. You may have read that many people were flocking to Death Valley to see examples of what you're now viewing. Literally a once in a lifetime experience. It was very similar here in Saddlebrooke in March and early April. Now the cacti are starting to bloom... this too may be a once in a lifetime experience. Thanks to the wet winter. Desert Flowers the east side of the Carrizo plain, in the Temblor Range, (about 50 miles due west of Bakersfield).

click to enlarge

Anon1776 wrote:
Subject: Funny kind of soup
Found these at the local stop n shop. Thought it was kinda funny. Enjoy.

Just what I've always never wanted... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: cry over it
Hi orsm, long time reader, love the site, finaly decide to send in something, here is a pic of a girl at her 18th, she lives in perth aswel, anyway shes had abit of a cry over this pic (like she realy did cry over it) and well my mate showed me it again and i thought hey this should be on orsms site for everyone to enjoy.

click to enlarge

Kathy wrote:
Subject: love the site
Love the site. I browse the random shite section the most often. (Although the dead, mutilated people weird me out a bit.) Haven't been on in a few months, but most of those pics are the same old stuff! You need to get us bored people to send you cool pics so you can wipe out all the old, and replace with the new. Here is my contribution, use it or not. It's my horse taking a piss. HA!

click to enlarge

Bruce wrote:
We put a hot tub in our back yard and from that point on; the neighbors think they have an open invitation to use it whenever they please. The other night we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all the neighbors were in our hot tub making noise, hollering at us to come and join them. They were actually inviting us to join them in our own hot tub! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to learn to tolerate their offensive behavior.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: porsche 911@264km
that's my porsche 911 carrera @264km aprox 163mph. this was in Santo Domingo, DOminican Republic, Hope you post it (pls dont post my details)

click to enlarge

Andy wrote:
Subject: punk chicks go off
Yeah, punk chicks are psychos, those arent hickies, they are fucking bite marks, all teeth and shit, was putting soft tissue injurie cream on the big one for days. fucking good night though, rock on.

click to enlarge

Barry wrote:
Subject: Electrifying Tattoo!
Hello Orsm, love the site. These pictures are from a gal i know who wanted an electrifying' tattoo.. well, i'd say this did the trick! be warned, however- like your mom said, never stick you finger into a socket! please withhold my email. thanks.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Lil M wrote:
Subject: New M5 released!
orgasmic to say the least! till you see the end result... poor car.....

That hurts. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Star Wars pics
Orsm, Just thought I'd throw ya a few Star Wars pics that I thought you might enjoy. Of course there's the super cool Hummer H2 that was being shown at some convention. Wish I had the dough for that baby. Sweet ride. feel free to pass any of these on as you please. Take care Brotha.

click for gallery

dev wrote:
Subject: trip to oz
hey orsm, you have the sickest site... i dunno if you wanna use these, but my best friend took a trip to oz, mainly gold coast, and he gets back in a couple weeks and we have a nice little present for him when he gets back. were such bastards, hes gonna be fucking livid. anyways, if you like 'em ill send you more as we do more, this is only the begining...

click for gallery

Serge Cooreman wrote:
Last month, the Norwegian diplomat Charung Gollar was asked to present the UN with a graphic showing the main problems in the world in 2004. He presented a set of 8 pictures entitled "The power of stars" and was applauded for the simplicity of his idea. In spite of having no pretension at all, his work was presented to participate to the Nobel Price of Politic Marketing. Attached are the 8 pictures presented. Read the legends...

click for gallery

Waterboy wrote:
Subject: Bananas
Thought i would try and improve on Gwen Stefani's SHIT song ... because it IS shit.

Most ridiculous song since... ever. -Orsm

click to watch vid

riley a wrote:
Subject: gotta see this shit
hey man love the sits heres a kick ass unicycle vid. cant wait to contribute some hot smut :) laters

Doesn't look that hard... -Orsm

click to watch vid

White Crow wrote:
Subject: New Video
Hi, Can u add this new 3D animation (fun and sexy) on ur website if u like it? Thank u very much!

Cool graphics but what the fuck is it all about? -Orsm

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Hawk Helicopter
Hey Orsm, My friend was on his way back from holidays in Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada when he stumbled across this USMC black hawk helicopter; which emergency landed beside the highway when it ran out of fuel. It was on its way to Alaska when it was forced inland due to lousy weather. Petro Canada Ran some AV Gas out to the helo and they fueled up and took off. My friend happened to catch it taking off on video on his digital camera. The Petro guy thought someone was phone pranking him when the US military called asking for gas. Must have been another female pilot!

click to watch vid

Jay wrote:
Subject: coyote
A man hiking films some coyotes. You can hear them in the background howling. One charges him to attack. Look close at the path when the coyote comes at him. Have your sound up, you can hear it growling.

click to watch vid
Click for more awesomeness

50,000 Power fans meet at Alberton Oval for a "Power Fans are not stupid" convention. Mark Williams says, we are all here today to prove to the world that Power supporters are not stupid. Can i have a volunteer?

Byron Pickett gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Mark asks him "what is fifteen plus fifteen?" After 15 or 20 seconds, Byron says "eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Power fans start chanting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!

Marks says "well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, i think we can give him another chance". So he asks "what is seven plus seven?" After nearly 30 seconds, Byron eventually says "ninety!"

Mark is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. Byron starts crying, and the 50,000 Power fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!”

Mark unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says OK! Just one more chance... What's two plus two?" Byron closes his eyes, and after a full minute expires, says "four!"

Throughout Alberton pandemonium breaks out. All 50,000 Power fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream... “GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!”

click here for more


Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria

Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria - Daria

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Click for more awesomeness



Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking, you pervert??


Where to begin on this weeks Shite. It's astounding, magnificent, astonishing and even a little mind-blowing. Am I too good to you guys? Maybe, but whilst you ponder that - check it out...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story? "

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks." The guy says, "Ten bucks? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? "Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

click here for more


Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest pen * s the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor. "I really am... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied.

click here for more

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Well boys and girls I think I'm ready to call it a day for another week. If you have made it this far then I sincerely hope you enjoyed surfing it as much as I did sticking it all together. Now all you have to do is send an email to all your friends telling them how you found this absolutely fucking brilliant site called 'orsm dot net' so they can in turn do the same!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay dry this weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.08.04-23.11
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Home of the I've got nothing better to do so I came here.

How the hell is everybody this week? Me... I can't complain. Well, come to think of it, I could probably find something to whinge about but I'm sure there are better things to bore you all with so let's do that instead shall we?

Does anyone else out there harbour a strong addiction to eBay? Up until the last few months I never really bothered too much with it but more and more lately I find myself losing an hour or two here and there just surfing through the auctions for stuff that I want [but don't need].

Thankfully I'm pretty restrained. I'm one of those shoppers that usually has to investigate every option and go shop to shop for the best price before buying anything. I've learnt over the years that any time I impulse buy I end up regretting it.

This is where eBay is evil. If you do the research and shop around eventually you start to figure out what stuff is worth buying from there so the first thing you do is place a bid once you find something. Most of the time someone will come along and outbid you and if you've made up your mind that you really want the item, you end up counter-bidding and driving up the price. Before too long you become so focused on winning the auction you forget that it was a bargain after the first or second bid and keep going up until it's yours. Kind of stupid really.

Maybe everyone knows it and maybe I'll regret giving away my secret to always winning auctions for stuff I want but I've found the trick is to never ever bid until 30-60 seconds before the auction ends. That way you know what the price is and it's pretty hard for someone else to outbid you. Sounds obvious right? I would have thought so too but I am yet to lose an auction doing it that way so perhaps not.

click here for more

Moving on... I think I must be the very last person to check out Google Earth. Everyone has asked me if I had seen it and my reply mostly had something to do with 'its an aerial shot of the earth - big deal!'. I finally downloaded and installed it earlier and all I can say is wow! I love this shit... porn and everything else aside its things like this that make the internet cool. If this is the technology we have access to now on our home PC's then I cant wait to see what's ahead of us.

This has been around for a couple of weeks now and I thought it was pretty cool: go to moon.google.com then once the page loads zoom in as far as possible. Turns out it is true after all huh?

Anyway it looks like I have a busy weekend ahead. Saturday is of course the day that another one bites the dust - one of my good mates will be walking down the aisle with his beautiful bride. I'm looking forward to it... and I'm assuming the booze will be flowing freely so I intend to make the most of it. Aside from that I will be - as always - doing some work around the house and I may even wash my car for the first time in about three months. By the way three months is a personal record for me... I think the last time I went this long without doing it was when I didn't own a car...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Take the GroovyBus! to campus. Gotta love college girls... especially the hotties that like to party and drink till they're horny! GroovyBus! has some fascinating wild party action video footage including some nice blonde college honeys doing unthinkable acts behind locked (and unlocked) dormatory doors. The little miss perfect A+ Physics major goes to frat party and gets teamed up on under the influence - now that's a amateur sex party to see! I won't even mention the ex-girlfriend videos here - that was just revengeful exploitation! "Rock out with your cock out!" Do a drive-by Groovybus!

I discovered one married couple that truly shows that marriage can be a match made somewhere between heaven and porn paradise. This wife knows that to keep a man satisfied you've got to be willing to share your love with the world. She's one swinging whore whether she's solo, pregnant, doing it with her old man or making friends with the next-door-neighbors.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Porn Top List - Abuse Of Power - Nintendo Acapella - Salad Fingers - NSX To Ferrari - Strapped On - Quad Lez

Do It Like An Aussie - Asia Test - 50 Latest - Erotica - Peter Griffin - True Hotness - Naked Ali Landry

A husband and wife are watching TV in bed. They are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?" The wife says, "No." The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She says, "Yes." He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?". The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
News just in... "Beauty salons across London are worried about a drop in turnover now that the metropolitan police are doing Brazilians for nothing..."

click here for more

The newswires have reported that the French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally in Great Britain they've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? Gustav Iliev. International male supermodel. He's so hot right now! Here we go again with another kick ass video from Robert Hoffman. This time we see him roaming the streets of Vancouver doing the things that models do. I'm sure you guys will get a good laugh out if this one! Check it...

- Gustav Iliev: Male Model -

click here for more


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, " I didn't recognise you..."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Welcome to the Reader Mail - my favourite part of the site. What you will find below is a slice of some of the emails that have come my way in the last week or so. Why do I love it so much? It's the mystery... I never know what the next thing that's going to land in my inbox will be. Anyway if you would like to make my day with something cool, naked pics of your ex or just have the urge to criticise me for something you have seen on the site then you may do so here.

Tom Armstrong wrote:
Subject: New Zealand Calling
Gidday, I am a 54-year-old heterosexual male, and I think your site is filthy, disgusting, and degrading to women, that's why I 've started visiting every week. Just to check it out. Must admit that I do have a hell of a lot of fun checking you out!

hog wrote:
Subject: RE wrestling dickeads
Hey ORSM Great site yah yah. Here is a thought!! Just shoot yourself in the fucking head please.!!! It would be a lot quicker and probably less painfull. Another question how much money would it take for a "normal" person to put up this shit ????I guess it take all types. Also keep up with the weekly updates me thinks - to much of a good thing spoils everyone - maybe change the look of your site is the way to go. Please don't advertise my addy cheers

Jeff Iftekaruddin wrote:
Subject: Yo MR. ORSM!
Hey there, I hope this finds you well and groovy and all settled in your new house. Man, I remember when I first came upon your site back in 2001... I believe I've seen pretty much every update since then...

My name is Jeff Iftekaruddin and a while ago when I was using the name "Jeff Everest" you were cool enough to post a link to my site. Well, I know go by "Iftekaruddin" and my only site up is at myspace (my old website is under construction). I am hoping you could help me out again. I wrote this song called: "The Teddy Bear Song." Which I put on my myspace page here: myspace.com/iftekaruddin. It's a very interesting ditty I dedicated to an old girlfriend back in '95. I think you and my fellow orsmites will enjoy it thoroughly... people in NY are digging it and they like to yell the chorus up to me on stage... which can be weird. It would be awesome if you could put it in your next update.

Jeff sent me a copy of his CD a while back and the Teddy Bear song was my favourite. Well worth a listen! -Orsm

Mohamed Morsi wrote:
Subject: help
hi,can you help to find really sexy woman to be her slave

Anyone? -Orsm

Jared wrote:
Subject: X
Hey dude. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine is MDMA which is in turn sold as..... Xtasy.

I should have known that...... -Orsm

Lee wrote:
Subject: lots of shit
eda celis wrote:
Subject: amazing racist
I visit your site now and then. I choose not to watch a few of the clips, pics and what not simply because I don't think I will enjoy them. But, with a title like "the amazing racist" I thought there was a chance you would be making fun of the racist. Not only was the white guy in the truck a sick fuck, but you are a sick fuck for laughing your ass off. Furthermore, you're a sick fuck for even putting it on your site. Irreguardless of what your thoughts on migration are, you are an ignorant and sick individual to participate (and indulgence others by placing them on your site) with those that make fun of people in unfortunate circumstances.

1. If you don't like it Eda, there's a little box at the top left of the screen with an x in it which will make it go away (unless you modified it like me).
2. These amazing racist clips are part of National Lampoons Lost reality DVD which I found to be FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!
3. I don't take any of it seriously, but minorities are given all the assistance they need, if they are legal. Tell me, if I took your job, at half or less of the salary you are paid, would you be pissed off? What would you do then if you found I was employed illegally? What if I took YOUR job illegally in YOUR country WITHOUT legal rights to take it? Quit your fucking job, give it to some foreign person with no visa or work permits, THEN start whinging about the local retaliation to a national epidemic.

teotihuacan wrote:
Subject: random anti-war types
First off, great site. One thing that hackles me is blokes like this:

Mark Anderson wrote:
Subject: cool pics
Should war be glamorized with 1700+ dead military... 100,000 dead innocent Iraqi citizens...the destruction of one of the seats of civilization... the U.S. having nearly ruined the economy of New Zeland for not joining the coalition?

Now, I don't know about what's happened to New Zealand, but I have been over to Baghdad... and from what I've seen it was worth it. The liberal media hasn't shown what's really going on that's good, so here's some pics to enlighten your friend. Oh yeah, remind him of the removal of a ruthless dictator, a real election, a new Iraqi military, and soon to be, a new constitution. Remember, freedom isn't free.... but it's worth it.

Patrick wrote:
Subject: Response to Mark Anderson
Mr. Anderson - Having been to Iraq and Afghanastan several times (I just got out of the US Navy), the only people glamourizing the war are the media outlets (to gain ratings and drive their business) and stupid fucks like you who have nothing else to bitch and moan about. How has the US nearly ruined the economy of New Zealand? The only thing in New Zealand seems to be sheep-fucking-herders like yourself. So do the world a favor, shut up and get back to your sheep... I mean girlfriend!

Craig wrote:
Subject: Website blog re Ebay....
Worth a read...? I actually found this whilst trying to find a contact email address for email admin/security section to report a slightly fraudulent item for sale. It is impossible unless I register!

wayne harrison wrote:
Subject: ORSM
Just a brief post (whinge if you will) about these clowns that think that it is amusing and somewhat wonderful to do 200+ km per hour down the Kwinana Freeway. The sooner these people realize that all it takes is one little slip on their part or something that someone else does that is out of their control and they will no longer be with us. Apaprt from being highly illegal and facing serious penalties if they get caught they are risking the lives and those of others by doing stupid and selfish acts on our roads. It is a bit if a cliché but these are facts.

I will not finish by saying take my advice. I think these people are old enough to decide whether they want to live to a good age or die way too young. I am a bit disappointed at you for posting the pics of speedometers registering such ridiculous speeds. if you take away their option to publicise their actions you may well reduce their need or want to do it. Good luck in the future for your site.

Ant wrote:
Subject: Speedo comps
With everyone sending in speedo speeds, there is a site that is dedicated to this and is running a competition (shocking really) but anyways, Their current leader is a Porsche GT3 doing 346kmh.

brownyy wrote:
Subject: speedo pics
hey dude, i started a fucking trend! I send one pic in of my speedo outta boredem and 3 pics get reply'd! i'm happy... Nice to see some input from Italy, who else can get some in, could be interesting. And to the WRX guy, wow you have a faster car, so do alot of people, now pull your head outta your arse and watch the road cause you subaru's are the new volvo's of the world... (that should ruffle some features)...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Vtec
Wazzup from the sunny South Africa!!!!!!!! I see a lot of cars thats doing highspeeds and thought I would sent you mine. First pic is of my honda 1.6 Vtec. The second one is of the speedo and like you can see it goes for a little 1600. The 3rd pic is the rpm counter at limiter. All the pic is not at the same date and time. Please as well as with all the other pictures of this sort, dont post my details.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: WRX Wagon doing 150.112 on the track
These are some pics and video of my car going 150.112 in the texasmile.com event also known as the Texas Mile. It's a 1 mile drag race for top speed on a 2 mile long airport runway. I have a camera on my hand to record EGT and Boost at top speed. The car is a 2003 WRX Wagon with a Turbo XS stage 4 package. She runs 12.2 @116 in the 1/4 mile and will go faster than the 150 with more driving room. I drive it everyday.

click to enlarge click to watch vid

Tim Nicholls wrote:
Subject: X rated Harry Potter
thought that you might like this, its from the latest harry potter book "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince". Its on page 585 in chapter 29 if you want to check it out yourself

click to enlarge

Kit wrote:
Subject: Boat Parking
Yo Orsm, I saw the pic of the camel parked between two cars and thought I'd send my own contribution to your random shite. I saw this boat in Croatia and thought it was pretty funny.

Croations... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Advantage Anna K
Dont publish my deatils please. This magazine photo set just had to be chopped....... didnt it?

Honestly I don't think it did... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chelsea Davis - OOOPS!
Chelsea Davis, A U.S. Dive team competitor, while attempting a diving board routine, maybe shouldn't have eaten the last bowl of Wheaties before doing this rendition of Quiet Riot's "Bang Your Head". I think it weighted her down just ehough to do some damage. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat at least an hour before diving?

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James Haryett wrote:
Subject: Funny magazine pic
What's up Mr.Orsm I found this picture in the popular Canadian magazine called Maclean's, The magazine has a serious quality (allot like TIME) so I can't believe the cameraman missed this guy. Talk about taking advantage of an opportunity, this man shows us that when life gives you lemons... find a spot between two hot blonds and punch your clown!

click to enlarge

Rob wrote:
Subject: hicksville
Dude, Top site - love your work. See attachment - it's a cutting from today's Toowoomba Chronicle - dumb prick (but a funny bugger). Please don't publish my email address.

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clive wrote:
Subject: seriously faulty
Hey dude. Respect being checking your site from the begining and just gets better and bettter. have submitted stuff before years ago so thought i will send some pics. We have a pub in Pinetown South Africa and we get seriouly faulty. We have our own web site serioulyfaulty.com Anyway check it if you want dont get to do many updates as getting faulty to many time screws the brain up. But we do have some good ones though. all the pics on the site have been taken buy me and another nut case.

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click for gallery

Zac TD wrote:
Subject: Interesting Sweden
Hey Orsm, greetings from a fellow Perthite. I just got back from 6 months exchange in Sweden and Finland, and thought i'd send some interesting pics i took along the way. The first pic was taken outside the famous Ice Hotel in Kiruna, one of the northernmost cities in Sweden. It was -20 degrees there at the time but still awesome. The second was when we went dogsledding on a frozen river near Kiruna, incredible experience. The cat food explains itself. We were touring in Goteborg which is a coastal city in the west of Sweden when we pulled up next to the red Lotus, the guy was more than happy to have his car photographed! Next is the 'Platten' in the very centre of Stockholm. Then a photo of one of Finlands 187,000 lakes which our summer cottage happened to be on. Hard life eh! And then just some photos of my city, Vasteras, in the winter. Pretty heavy snow there, and the entire lake was frozen over. Scandinavia is without doubt one of the most beautiful places on earth, and my favourite now. And yes, I can confirm the rumours: Scandinavian girls are the most beautiful on earth too! I reccomend you go there if you ever get the chance.

Greyson wrote:
Subject: Cool racing video
Hey! Big fan of the site! This video is from the Austin, TX racing scene. The race was from 40 mph to about 140 mph, even though it doesn't look that fast. The three Supra's have anywhere from about 400rwhp to 450rwhp. The car that wins actually has the least done to it. Thanks!! Hope to see it on the site!

click to watch vid

Vu wrote:
Subject: blowup doll fun
A comical video my friends and I made with a blowup doll about some guys mom. Hope this inspires others to make creative videos.

click to watch vid

Bryen wrote:
Subject: Crazy Vid
Dear Orsm, My mate just got back from a stag weekend in Germany. He said they had trouble getting in some places, as you can see not only were they pissed up scousers but they were dressed as pirates and staging mock "fights" on the streets of Cologne

click to watch vid

VirginiaG wrote:
Subject: It really wasn't like that at all!
Imagine this... You just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman... You are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's "BELL RINGER" during the big game... Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers see you on Saturday's telecast ringing the team's bell... But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera and your body... Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see you doing something that DOES NOT appear to be ringing the team's bell AT ALL. Sometimes, Point Of View is everything.

click to watch vid

Stefan wrote:
Subject: Russia - safety at work
TV broadcast after a coalmine accident caused by alcohol at work ...

Ya think he's drunk...? -Orsm

click to watch vid

Big Putts wrote:
Subject: Excellent Fake Ad!
Hey Mr Orsm, Excellent website and all that, well played, been keeping be seine for the last couple of years!! I'm from sunny old England and am currently unemployed, due to this I seem to have a plethora of time on my hands, which gives me the opportunity to do vid's like the one attached! It's a bit of a 'dig' at some nike ad I saw once, you'll love it! Post it on your site for a laugh, for sports men and women from around the globe, enjoy, envy is a horrible thing!

click to watch vid

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring...

click here for more

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"


This guy has a rather interesting argument against road rage. He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger....

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...


There's a good chance I have included a few surprises in this weeks Shite. There's also a very good chance I am full of shit. You be the judge...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I willl give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck the Preacher!"

click here for more

Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new* and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays.

He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day. His boss was furious and threatened to fire Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following day.

The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales.

Bill grinned, "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by your daughter who only used the backseat."

click here for more

Okay I think its time to make like a tree and leaf. I'm not too sure if my updates have been any good lately but I can assure you I will be back next week trying to better all the previous ones... so make sure you come back and find out!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be good to your mother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more awesomeness