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December 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.12.18-23.02
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Welcome boys and girls... welcome to what Fictive Magazine voted the greatest website of all time! If Santa has just brought you your first computer and this is your first time here, come and experience what the internet is really all about - Porn! And lots of it!

I'm kind of miffed that this year has come and gone so quickly. Already we're at Christmas which no doubt means a day of sweltering heat, stuck running between relatives houses for the duration... not that I have anything against my extended family of course... I simply just "cant be fucked' with all the Chrissy crap. I think I'd rather suffer through women's problems than be bored out of my brain waiting to leave all day.

On a slightly positive Christmas note - I have managed to get all my present buying out of the way and accounted for. After some skilful negotiating, task delegation and a little bit of love I was able to get my present buying commitment down to just two people.

This is where I was quite proud of myself. The first present, for my old man, took less than an hour to sort out... maybe even closer to 45 minutes. I checked 2 different retail outlets, made my decision and returned home with goods tucked firmly under my arm. Better again is that I never had to enter a shopping mall which avoided the 1km trek between parking and shopping and of course the inevitable mall rage which is usually rampant this time of year.

The second prezzie was easier again. All it required was a trip to the local supermarket and then the Post Office. Hey Presto! It was that simple and I'm done with plenty of time to spare. Sweet.

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Once Christmas Day is out of the way there'll be New Years to look forward to... and this year I actually am. Some of you guy's who've been reading my crap for a while may remember me saying how I was trapped at a drum n bass extravaganza last year after leaving plans until the very last minute. That's one nite that won't be soon forgotten although not necessarily because it was good, but because that DnB crew are a scary bunch when they've consumed that many chem's.

Anyways, this year I've made plans. No way I am going to get caught out doing something shitola like the last few years. First up we'll be frequenting our regular favourite pub at which much alcohol consumption is expected. From there, back to my place for a party and from there to an undisclosed location to sit poolside the following day. It promises to be a long NY celebration filled with wine, women and song. My only concern is being able to stay awake that long... will have to see what can be done about that... suggestions anyone...?

One more thing to keep in mind... everyone should download this [requires MS PowerPoint]. Yes I know its old and yes I know I posted it last year but try keeping it in mind next time you're all boozed up and want to go driving. If you don't have PowerPoint then you can get the jist of it here.

A few months back some of you may remember I posted a link to a site called Fukron.net. The site was about one man's fight against a greedy corporation that wasted no time in fucking over its own franchisee's. It's your classic David Vs Goliath tale but unfortunately for our hero it didn't have a happy ending. Pedder's continued to threaten anyone that hosted the site [including me] to have it removed. Well the site is finally back online with a new domain and won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Check it here @ RipOffMerchant.net.

Seems that just as many people knew the location of the Ultimate Getaway as didn't. Got a stack of emails from you guys [thanks!] which suggested several possibilities but as far as I can tell it's the Hilton Hotel in the Maldives. If you want more info then check out these links: Link #1 - Link# 2 - Link #3 - Link #4

Now that the server has been all fixed after that hacking incident a few weeks back I proud to re-announce that Orsm Games is back online! This site is a guaranteed time waster so if you are bored at work I highly recommend heading over there for a look! Check it @ OrsmGames.net.

The Christmas Party - Fantasy Fest 2003 - The WalMart Babes - Snow Globe - Sober Santa - Interactive Christmas

FHM Girls - What The? - What The [2]? - Perspective - Wild ASCII - Beer Goggles - XP In A Box - Ferrari?

I know by now most of you will be racking your brains trying to think what you can get me to say thanks for providing you all with so much free entertainment all year round. I'll make it ewasy for you... first up I DESPERATELY want one of these. Failing that I'd be happy to receive pretty much anything off my wishlist! Anyway let's get on with the update...

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Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Scott sighs, not recognising Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates. Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration. "That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott.

"View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Scott.

"I've got to have this watch!!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $2,000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $8,000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so. Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!" Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger. Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?" Scott ! points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

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The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

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A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and 'bang!' it lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous sub continental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

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One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold winter night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2 full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.

Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy. "And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?'' I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's cry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

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One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to visit. This really stressed Santa! When he went to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Santa went into the house for a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink. He went to make a coffee, and in his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom, only to discover that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and he began cussing and swearing on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully: "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


Christina Ricci's breasts have long been my forbidden fruit. I've spent countless hours scouring the net in a quest to find this hottie naked and just when I thought all was lost and such a bounty didn't exist, this little gem lands in my lap...

- Christina Ricci's Boobs -

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A little Samoan kid thought it'd be funny to pour flour over his face, so he did. He then went up to his mum. "Look at me, mum," he said. "I'm a white fella." "Ton't pe so stoopit!" snapped his mum.

So he went into the lounge room where his father was. "Hey dad," he grinned. "Check it out, I'm white!" "Co kleen tat shit off your fayse!" his father yelled and belted him around the ear.

On his way to the bathroom, the kid met his Uncle Peni. "Hey, uncle Ben," he smirked. "Get a load of this - I'm white!" "Co away you liddle scallywaggle," his old uncle grumbled and booted him square up the arse. "Bloody hell," the kid said, "I've only been a white fella for five minutes and already I hate you black bastards!"

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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

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A man walks into a stock feed shed and picks up some barbed wire, strolls over to the counter to pay. The guy behind the counter says "your're an Aussie aren't ya?"."Yep" the man replies "how'd ya know?". The guy relies "the mud on ya boots"."Yep"

He picks up the barbed wire passing two men as he leaves the shed. The first grabs some spraychems and heads to the counter."your're a yankie aren't ya?". "yeah, how'd you know that?"."It's the mud on ya boots"."wow,that's amazing!"

Over hearing this conversation the third man walks up to the counter after picking up some gumboots."Your're a Kiwi aren't ya?" Excitedly he replies "yer I know, I know it's the mud on me boots..." Casually the guy replies "Na mate it's the wool in ya zipper!"

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Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute

Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute

Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute - Cute

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

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Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas...

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

A blonde decides to go horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She selects a placid looking horse, pays her money and mounts the horse unassisted (though with some difficulty).

The horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic rate. The blonde starts to slip from the smooth saddle. In terror she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot had becomes entangled in the stirrup and she strikes the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when... the Manager of Woolworth's, rushes out and turns it off.

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Swan may very well be one of my all time favourite girl's. Sure, we all love looking at naked women but there really is just something so intriguing about her...

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"



Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy.

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison..."

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Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

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A lawyer and a blond were sitting next to each other on the long flight from Melbourne to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to sleep so she politely declines and faces the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and vice versa."

Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's her turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The lawyer throws her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all references. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and co-workers, nobody has any help. After three hours, while the plane is getting ready to land, he wakes the blonde and hands her the $500.

The blonde thanks him and puts it in her purse. The lawyer, who is more than miffed, says OK and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word she reaches into her purse again and hands him $5...

Oodles and oodles and oodles oodles of mail again this week. Gotta love it. If you've got something to say then I wanna hear it... if I don't then your email will be deleted! Drop me a line here.

Subject: evil santa
Gday,this is a foto of me and my brother taken in 1967 at myers in melbourne. Is he not the most evil looking santa known to mankind. Keep up the good work excellent site. Paul

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phil and brook wrote:
Subject: Lazy Christmas
Hi, Its a 40 degree day , cant be fucked to do n e thing. mums nagging me to put up the xmas tree, we decided we would take the easy way out. hope u like the pic of our beautifull tree.

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Vic Clark wrote:
Subject: owenhart fall.mpg fact
hey orsm, your site rocks, well if u didn't know u have a movie shot of "owenhartfall". i can tell u for a fact that isn't it for two reasons. first that is a wrestler named either nova or sabu in a scafolding match. second being, i was in attendance in kansas city missouri at the kemper arena when owen hart fell to his death, which would of been an awesome video to have, though i doubt there is really one out there.

sdfjkgh sdfjkgh wrote:
Subject: oven hart video
that isnt the own hart death video, its from the XPW: Freefall event from last year between Vicious Vic Grimes and New Jack in a Free Fall Scaffold Match. Literally, the winner is the bloke who throws the other guy off that scaffold.

Candelaria wrote:
Subject: Pryceless Pic for you
This is my buddy, he got all fucked up then fucked this neighbor bitch who was high on coke. We just stuck the camera in the door and snapped it. She still has no idea.
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Tyson wrote:
Subject: cruise
Saw this on the way to a car cruise... Mt Henry Bridge
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Horatio wrote:
Subject: Fun Names in South East Asia
Hi Orsm, Great, great site! I first found you through the Priceless Series and have trawled all the Random Shite stuff, which is wonderful. I saw one recently with a signpost from Malaysia that was a hoot. I attach a couple of pics from North Borneo where I was on holiday in 1999. Would you buy a car from these people? I have changed the telephone number in the pic so they don't get harrassed. There was a restaurant we passed in Kota Kinabalu called "Soon Fat" but I never went back for a picture. I hope you can use them. On the same theme, I work on oil rigs - I enjoyed your recent pics of bad weather - and in 1986 we were bored, rig stacked in Hong Kong, and one smoko we sat in the office rolling about with laughter. We had a copy of the Hong Kong Yellow Pages, and we were thinking up amusing Chinese names, looking them up - AND FINDING THEM. The best ones were Chiu Fat Bakery, Lee Kee Motor Boat Co and Win King Optical Co. I can't now remember any more. But I do remember taking the bus from Central in HK up to the Peak. As you go over the hill to Happy Valley there is a big hospital on the left, the Ruttonjee TB Sanatorium. Just opposite was a huge billboard with an advert for the Tin Lung Motor Co. I just collapsed. Got some funny looks. We had a couple of catering crew join us one trip - ther was a steward called Chen Tin Kan and a baker called Yu Pui Yuk. Later we had a radio operator called Ham.

Couple of rig pix for you as well. The crane is called the THIALF and can lift about 7000 tonnes I believe, this was a 7 storey block of accommodation - only weighed 400 tons, added to the Dunbar platform in the North Sea. The other is the Sedco 706 stacked in Invergordon last autumn - gives an idea of the size. Same rig as the storm pix on the Naval website.

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R. M. wrote:
Subject: pics of me with this month's "rose"
Orsm, For whatever it's worth (or not worth), I have a picture of me with "rose" (aka xxxena) at the Laconia bike week rally. Also attatched you will find pics of her trike and her having sex on the trike with her manager. If you'll notice, he's got about 50 cts worth of diamonds in his ear. Also, check out the gold plated chics grabbing onto the exhaust pipes!

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Steve Brooks wrote:
Subject: Cyclone Vance
Hi mate, Love your site, and I have noticed how you get lots of pictures of storms. Well I haven't got pictures of the storm for you, but here's afterwards. No 1 is up in the ranges, where most of the phone poles got bent double, damn that wind must have been blowing. In No 2 there are actually two boats in that berth, I don't know how badly damaged the one on the bottom is but it aint floating that's for sure, and finally No 3 is the road to the marina, well what's left of it. Cyclone Vance was the most powerful Cyclone ever to strike an inhabited region, the town of Exmouth, and not a single person was killed, but as you can see the town suffered a bit. My brother features in two of the photos. have fun mate

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Our Racing/Stunting Videos
Hey Orsm, How goes it? Before I forget, make this anonymous. Thanx. Anyway, I've been visiting your site for a while now and noticed that during your most recent updates you have some racing/crashing pictures or videos a lot more now. So I'm guessing you like the stuff. Well me and my group, 94 Octane have a few videos and pictures that you might like to check out. Our website is: http://www.94octane.com and we have 2 videos right now. One very amateur video and then one pretty good video. The amateur is just something we always look at to see how much we sucked in the beginning. Direct Link To Multimedia: http://94octane.com/multimedia.html. Anyway, hope you like the stuff and hope it's Orsm.net material. Take care. Keep up the good work.

Silvo Certalic wrote:
Subject: Picture
DEAR SIRS Osrm! I am sending to you my picture and i hope you will publish it. I would like to ask you to inform me if and whwn it will be poublished on your website. BEST REGARDS SILVO fom Ljubljana, SLOVENIA, EVROPA

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Eric Arnst wrote:
Subject: Picture
I saw this plate on a Smart car in a little town in Germany. None of my friends got the joke even after I showed it to them, but it was very apparent to me what it said.

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Steven wrote:
Subject: Dont copy that floppy!
hey orsm, found a really funny anti-piracy vid from the early 90s. hope u like. Keep up the good work mate!

The last time I saw something that gay is when my mate Chris tried to grab my dick... -Orsm

click to download
click to download

Doug wrote:
Subject: Clean Underwear
From the USN ..... Look closely at this film clip. What you'll see is the stern of a TICONDEROGA (CG 47) class cruiser. This class of ship has two combination missile magazines and launchers, one forward and one aft. Each contains 61 missiles that are launched vertically. You'll see a missile launched from the forward assembly followed closely by a launch from the after one.

It happens fast so the film clip contains an instant replay in slow motion. Look closely and you'll see an errant Sailor walking from your right to left, just above the ship's gun turret. I don't know what this sailor was doing. I understand the crew member survived but required a change of underwear.

Jeff & Marie wrote:
Subject: britney and madonna
Didn't notice if you've posted this before or not, but here some nice young fellow has gone to the trouble of looping it for us. God bless the PR dude who convinced them to do this, he is now our king.

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Bogdan Gherman wrote:
Subject: pics
It`s just my girlfriend but i think she look just great!
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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

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Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little rumpity-pumpity' and she always pretends to be asleep."

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A New Yorker was fed up and couldn't take any more stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded, rough looking Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Billy Bob...Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Tough crowd, huh" Sam jokes, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "One more thing...there's probably gonna be some mighty wild sex too." "Now that's definitely not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll absolutely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Billy Bob stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

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Q: Is it true the character 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' was created for the Montgomery Ward department stores?

A: Yes it's true. Instead of being long time traditional folklore, Rudolph was created as a promotion for Montgomery Ward's. Rudolph came to life in 1939 when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward asked one of their copywriters, 34-year-old Robert L. May, to come up with a Christmas story as a promotional gimmick. May, who had a penchant for writing children's stories created a booklet to give away to kids during the holiday shopping season.

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was printed commercially in 1947 and shown in theatres as a nine-minute cartoon the following year. The Rudolph phenomenon really took off, however, when May's brother-in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks, developed the lyrics and melody for a Rudolph song. Marks' musical version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (turned down by many who didn't want to meddle with the established Santa legend) was recorded by Gene Autry in 1949, sold two million copies that year, and went on to become one of the best-selling songs of all time (second only to "White Christmas"). A TV special about Rudolph narrated by Burl Ives was produced in 1964 and remains a popular perennial holiday favourite in the USA.



A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies, swallowing hard. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika

Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika - Jasika

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I don't know if you are familiar with "noodling", but it is the term for the way Oklahoma guys catch their fish. These guys wade out into the river and feel for holes or logs on the river floor. When they find a catfish hole, they stick their hands in there wiggle their fingers, the cats latch on and the 'idiots' pull out these monsters.

Many people lose their lives each year because of this. Some fish are so big they literally pull the 'idiot' under. Snapping turtles and snakes claim their fair share of rednecks too. Here are some pictures of what they come out with. These guys are NUTS!!!!!! Pretty amazing stuff though...

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Two families move from India to Australia. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet in a year's time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A year later they meet again:

The first man says, "My son is playing AFL, I had a meat pie with sauce for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of VB, how about you?"

The second man replies, "Fuck off, raghead."

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Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill. Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and nodded his head.

Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

With so much shite landing in my inbox over the last few weeks it seems only fair to do a huge RS update. Plenty of Christmas and Saddam stuff to keep you all amused. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS


Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went into the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled " Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge? To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!"

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Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily

Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily

Well guy's that's pretty much all I'm good for. God knows I worked my ass off not only on this update but all this year. Had a lot of fun, had a lot of not fun but in general it hasn't been too bad.

Big thanks to everyone who's sent me shit, emailed me, surfed the site and anyone else that I haven't covered. Also huge thanks as always to Honer and Kook because the site wouldn't be here without your help.

Oh one more thing... next update will either be first or second week of January so no emailing me saying to hurry the fuck up or I'll fill your email up with gay fisting vids! You have been warned!

Merry Christ, Happy New Years and drive safe! On that note I'm outta here. Until next year, be good, get on the chem's and don't forget to buy me something for fucks sake! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.12.04-17.49

News must be big business. We're bombarded by it from every angle these days and I'm sure it never used to be quite as in-your-face when I was younger. I wake up to the news, I surf my favourite news sites numerous times a day and I generally catch the late news if I'm in bed early enough.

With so much arm-chair exposure to what's going on I reckon I go through the "I'm so fucking sick of hearing about [insert latest big news story here]" at least once a week... especially this year.

Big events that immediately spring to mind are Iraq, Saddam, SARS, Columbia, The Matrix, Ben and J Lo and more recently, Michael Jackson... not necessarily in that order but you get the drift.

I'd have to say that the MJ one has annoyed me the most out of the lot of them. Ever since that 'tell-all' documentary earlier this year which exposed him as the complete weirdo that he's become, it's seemingly become open season for Jackson bashing. Countless stories and reports picking up on every shocking detail whether it be true or otherwise, uttered by any moron with an opinion, is a load of crap and plain old sensationalist reporting. What ever happened to fact?

I'm a huge MJ fan. For the last 12 months I've had the Michael Jackson greatest hits disc firmly planted in my car and I listen to it almost constantly. I didn't even download it from the web - I payed for it!

Let's face it - the guy isn't going to win any awards for intelligence. But anyone that is forced into a demanding career from around the age they learnt to read, and is subsequently devoid of any sort of normal life from then on in is obviously going to turn out a little different from the rest of us right? When you think about it, it'd be near impossible to keep a grip on what we all know to be reality when you spend your forming years and beyond stuck in some sort of surreal fantasy.

What would you do? You'd be forced to develop your own sense of how things are. Your own sense of right and wrong. Things that we think abnormal may have been rationalised down in his head to the point where they make perfect sense... things like having a kid share the same bed... or as he probably see's it - a mate. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's normal or even okay for any adult to sleep in the same bed as a child but whether or not he's just trying to be the guardian angel he claims, to me this just sounds like someone trying to make up for a stolen childhood.

The whole thing has been blown out of proportion because of who he is. No way MJ abused any of the kids but with his lack of better judgement coupled with immaturity, stupidity and bags of money, he's just one big gravy train waiting for people to ride.

Before any more of you smug Pommy pricks decide to drop me another email pointing out who won the Rugby World Cup I refer you to the October archives where I clearly stated that "I certainly won't be watching any of the games. Rugby is one of those sports that I really can't be bothered with. Boring as shit if you ask me."

Yes, I may have followed up with some other comment [which for some reason escapes me right now] about gloating if and when we won. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you're a Pom, I won't now have the opportunity to do this. Hopefully by me offering 'congratulations' it will silence you... and even if it doesn't at least we finished ahead of the Kiwi's and the SA boys...

There's been an overwhelming response to the Ultimate Get Away pics I posted last update and when I say overwhelming I am talking hundreds of emails from people wanting to know where it is. The bad news is that I have absolutely no idea. If anyone knows then please drop me a line.

The Obligatory Jackson Jokes - Letter To The Ex - Smart Ass Lawyer - Christmas Countdown - Whoops

Your Ideal Celeb Date - The Bruce Lee Remixer - Happy Turkey Day - Fido Dido Mind Reader - Spud Tech

Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten France and South Africa and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".

Johnny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Johnny goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 7 - Australia 0 (Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on". They put the telly back on.

"Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) - Australia 7 (Sailor 79 minutes)". They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Johnny. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. "No, No, I have" says Johnny, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

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A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... its Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever makes you happy!" So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

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A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Johnson first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left.

He then turns to Hill, "and you, Dicky, what do you believe?" Hill stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?" "I believe..." says Wilkinson "...that you're sitting in my seat."

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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."


I've never made any secret of the fact I am a breast man and without a doubt one of my long time favourites would have to be someone like this young lady - Yulia Nova. If you've never come across her before then I'm sure you are going to love her...

- Yulia Nova: What A Rack -

A guy walks into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. After a couple of minutes a voice said to him "That's a very nice suit your wearing today sir." Looking around the guy sees that the bar is completely empty and thinks he must be hearing things.

Ten minutes later, the guy hears the same voice "And I must tell you, that the tie you're wearing is splendid!" The guy spins around to see that there is still no-one in the bar, except himself and the barman. "Did you just say something?" asked the customer. "No sir," said the barman it must have been the peanuts - they're complimentary!"

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by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied... "They're Carols".

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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the live of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is that, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?"

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An old man, walking along the beach, approached a beautiful girl in a bikini and abruptly said to her, "I want to feel your breasts!" Get away from me, you crazy old man" she scowled. "I want to feel your breasts. I'll give you twenty dollars," he said. "Twenty dollars—are you nuts? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts! "I'll give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he stated.

"No, No! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offered. She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, "I told you NO!" Seriously, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, 'Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money'.... "Well... OK... but only for a minute." So she loosened her top and while both were standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath her top and
began to caress. Suddenly he started saying over and over again, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he continued caressing them.

Although anticipating her cash award, out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, Oh my God?'" While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"


Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny

Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a England rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for five years."

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A young guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid, "One." The manager, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid, "$101,237.64." The manager excitedly says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 wheel drive Jeep." The manager, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's fucked you might as well go fishing!"


Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a England rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave." The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the Poms receiving the kick off. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

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Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish - anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!


Subject: Restaurant and shit

Hey Mr. Orsm. Just wanted to say that your site kicks ass. Kill the bastards who hacked you and in regards to the underwater restaurant in Israel heres their site www.redseastar.com I decided to take the advice of this random shit pic and actually find it, since I'm going to Israel in January and this seemed like a fun place to visit. Peace for now and keep up the good work.

JT wrote:
Subject: Sexist Surfers
I am appalled at the sexism shown by those of your published correspondents re: the "Creampie Video" who are assuming that the crab-girl is a dirty scrubber. Perhaps she is a good, clean girl and those crabs have just leapt off the scrotum of the sleazebag who's porking her?

And it's not sexist to assume he's a sleazebag if I've taken the contrary position about who gave what to whom. Please don't publish my e-mail address. Hey I enjoy your site- it is good to see some Australian stuff. Don't take this endorsement to mean that I agree with your views on the Iraq war, Ford Falcons, muslims, four-wheel drives, doof-doof music and big tits! I know that "back" button is always available.

kandy cotton wrote:
Subject: kandy can and does
hi , a while back my hubby sent you some pictures of me saying i was cheating on him well to set the record straight , i am with his best friend and i want him to see that here on his favorite site , thanks for letting me get my revenge ........... kandy

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William Browne wrote:
Subject: 2003 Mercedes-Benz S55 AMG
Story: Just crusing thru an intersection in Beverly Hills, WHEN.... A young kid was not looking where he was going, ran a red light and completely PLOWED this businessman in his S55! What was the kid driving? A 2003 HUMMER H2! A battle of the brutes! Who Won? Who Knows? Both Cars Are Total Losses!

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Rob wrote:
Subject: a suggested link to your site
First of all, like most of your other contributers, I love your site. What a great diversity of stories, humor, pics, etc you have. I always look forward to your updates. Now, on to the meat of the matter. In surfing arount the net, I stumbled across a site that has a gallery with a girl that looks VERY much like Britney Spears. Even though I am sure it isn't, it's nice to think that with such similar facial features, that the rest cant be that much different either. Please feel free to take a look and see what you think. I don't know if using pictures from another site is frowned upon. That is why you are the master and I am a humble surfer. http://www.pwgalleries.com/263/

Paul wrote:
Subject: Sick and Twisted
Well I finally took the plunge and upgraded to DSL. Unfortunately, my first night online was a total disaster. After installing and configuring my new DSL system, I decided it should be tested by navigating over to ORSM.NET. Seemed harmless at first but was I in for a rude awakening. Performance of DSL was flawless, pictures downloaded almost instantly so I decided to try a video... Unlucky for me I chose the "Extremely Disturbing" link. All I can say is -- Mate, you shouldn't traumatize your loyal fans with stuff like that... At least title the vids with a little more accuracy before turning us loose on them. I don't think my non-penetrated bung hole will ever feel the same. Seriously, the site looks good as always, thanks for all your work. Cheers, Paul from Seattle

MELISSA wrote:

Frank wrote:
Subject: Another sad Attempt from babesandstuff ;)
To get in your good graces , since i redesigned the site i thought i may aswell share the wealth ;) oh and i can keep fan pics coming if you want to pretend im one of your favourite sites and add me to your links hahah. Anyways check the pics , and if you like them wack them onto your site babesandstuff.com with a wee link back of course haha. Yours , Always Drunk , Frank from Ireland

suzie sword wrote:
Subject: what's up
hello mr. orsm. love the site. keep up the good work. here's a little pic of the girls. hope you like :-)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 2 pic
Mr. ORSM hello man. Please withheld my name. Hope I catch your last update ;). since it is girlfriend I would appriciate to go to the RS section. It is my first pics on the WWW and I am a bit shy! Keep up the good work.

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Dave wrote:
Subject: And He lived!!!!
G'day mate. just got this in my in-box the other day. - Don't know if you've seen it b4. This was!!!! and Brand new Series 2 V2 Monaro that crashed i got it from a mate at a holden dealership - apparently it was sold from ferntree gully holden here in melbourne - just thought you might like it and want to share it with the webbies of the world!!!! Cheers Dave from Melbourne

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eMz wrote:
Subject: Hey GuYs
i just thought id send u this because its really cool! BTW i love ur site bro i reckon its da best site i have eva been to! This is a short moive of the car they called "Project hopper" it is feauring at the Auto Salon all rought australia and i think its worth a d/l :) thats mate and keep up the good work!!! by eMz

click to download
Michael Hayes wrote:
Subject: gorilla fucker
enjoy the video. pass it on. this has to go global.
click to download

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Love his work!
Some stealth camera beach action. Gotta love it. :-)

Sweeeeeet. -Orsm

click for gallery

Guy James wrote:
Subject: Friends on Extasy.
Hello Mr. ORSM. Here's a couple of pics of my friends doing a few Extasy pills. The psycho looking one had just got his tooth knocked out by the blonde haired one, all in all it was a good night (they were good pills too) the funny thing was that it cost my friend £450 to get his face fixed!!!!!! Hope you like the photos. Oh yeah, don't do drugs, hmmmm kay!!!!!!

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Johan van Staden wrote:
Hey Mr ORSM. It me again from South Africa. I'm send a few photos of a guy that picked a fight with a shark on one of our beaches. Still enjoying your site and after each update, I just suck your site dry, downloading everything. Keep up the good work.

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex & Mystery. The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

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Speed Cartoons - Stupid Naked People - Become A Player - Enterprise Inc - Sexy Legz - Drunken Antics

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a drink. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to... um... you know.... do it"

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sitting with us."

No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it" offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess. The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast" The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath

"SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw this old chap must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again. "And by the way love, can you make two of those brown please!?"

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Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

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There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something. All he found was a wooden barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfil his sexual desires.

One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there. One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She thoroughly enjoyed herself from that. However, 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 9 months ago and now I have a baby."

Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."


Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle

Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. The bartender says to the bear, "We don't allow bears in bars in Billings." The bear says, "Forget that- just give me a beer." The bartender says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear says, "Piss on that - just give me a friggin' beer!" The bartender says, "We don't serve beer to bears who are bullies in bars in Billings."

The bear says, "Listen here jagoff - if you don't give me a beer right now, I'm gonna go down to the end of the bar there and eat that skank." The bartender says, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears who are bullies in bars in Billings." And with that, the bear makes his way to the end of the bar and proceeds to eat a seedy looking woman who had been sitting there.

The bear returns to the bartender and says, "Now you gonna give me a beer?" The bartender says, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears who are bullies in bars in Billings, who are also on drugs." Confused, the bear says, "Drugs? I ain't on drugs!" The bartender says, "You are now - that was a bar-bitch-you-ate."


Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The publican looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the publican. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the publican, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the publican says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The publican says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the publican. "The circus?" the duck enquires. That's right" replies the publican.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the publican. The duck looks confused. "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"


This weeks Random Shite covers most things topical at the moment. Hopefully now I will stop getting the same emails sent my way constantly!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two litres."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the receptionist a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. He turns to her and says, "Lady, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

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At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth last night, George W. Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush." George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

When the time comes to purchanse an Orsmnet company jet I'll probably end up going for something like this...

A380 Airbus - A380 Airbus - A380 Airbus - A380 Airbus - A380 Airbus

The Bible says to have an answer for why you believe to those who ask you. This is a good example of an answer to one of the most common reasons people give for ignoring God and His goodness.

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as always. He began to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

Suddenly, they touched on the subject of God. The barber said: "Look man, I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realise that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God exists, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of loving a God who permits all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but he didn't respond because he did not want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barber shop, he saw a man in the street with long hair and a beard. It was very long, and a long time since he had his hair cut and he looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say they don't exist?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here and I am a barber. Why I just worked on you!" "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who is outside."

"Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me." "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God does exist. What happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world!"


Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

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After the big fire, the chief went to check on his men. Everyone was okay, except for Smith and Erickson. He couldn't find them anywhere. "Where's Smith? Where's Erickson?" the chief shouts with alarm. "Somebody said they saw them go around back, to fight the fire there," came the reply.

Looking behind the building, the chief can't find them. But then he hears a noise. Looking behind a dumpster, the chief sees Smith on his knees behind Erickson, buggering him.

In a rage, the chief shouts, "Smith! Erickson! What the HELL is this?" Smith doesn't stop, but says, "Oh, uh, Chief! Erickson passed out from smoke inhalation!"

Erickson looks at the chief and nods his head yes. Not knowing what else to respond with the chief keeps shouting, "Well then, you should have given him mouth to mouth resuscitation!" Smith looks back embarrassed and says, "I did Chief, that's how this got started!"

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Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mum and says, "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mummy, I saw men with a dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

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Fuck this update is massive. I never really realise how much shit has gone into it until I do a final proof read and test... I think it may be time to start scaling updates down a fraction in future to protect the sanity of dial-up users which probably wait a good 2 minutes or so for everything to download.

One more thing before I nick off... as I write this the other [read: hacked] server still isn't back online but hopefully will be by tonite. Once it's all go the forums, the shite viewer plus everything else will be back up not soon after.

Anyways I outta here. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drop me a damn email if you get bored! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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