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December 2004...
orsmupdate 2004.12.23-22.38
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Welcome to Orsmnet where all I wanna know is why if it's Christmas, how come there are so many Easter Eggs?

Woohoo... the last damn update of the year! Yes folks I am finally booking myself a week off from the site and owing to that fact that most of you guy's will most likely doing the same thing between Christmas and New Year now is the perfect time. I mean let's face it - these opportunities present themselves once every 12 months so I'm going to kick back, put my feet up and enjoy the break. Now where's my fucking beer?

As for my Christmas shopping crisis that I bored you all with last week... unfortunately I'm still not quite sorted and wouldn't be too far from the truth when I say it's been a fucking battle. As it turns out my whole brilliant theory on asking people what they want aint so perfect after all. I found most of the time when they couldn't suggest anything I was left throwing ideas out there for approval and most of the time they were met with a firm "NO!". Next year its back to the original method of a gift with the receipt at the ready...

Leaving it all to the last minute has driven me close to insanity as well. PLEASE someone remind me early next November to start shopping then. Mixing it up with the crowds is a fucking joke. I hate walking around when there's people from asshole to breakfast. It makes it hard to spot things and when you finally do, prepare to spend an eternity waiting in the checkout line because some retarded trainee can't quite grasp the basics of swiping items past the barcode scanner.

Actually getting to the shops is a whole other thing entirely so don't even get me started on traffic jams and parking hassles. Why the fuck people have to change lanes every five seconds I have no idea! It's as if everyone suddenly loses the ability to drive normally the moment they jump behind the wheel - forget looking where you're going, forget courtesy, just forget how to drive for fucks sake!

This makes me wonder where the cops are when you need them because they never seem to be around when some non-attentive mother driving a van loaded with screaming kids pulls in front of you and jams the brakes on to make a turn whilst nearly causing an accident. No, if you want to find the police all you need do is head for any major road and accelerate to more than 5kms an hour above the speed limit. You're sure to see the strobe of a camera or the flash of blue lights before too long.

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Our local Police force is encouraging us to behave on the roads in other ways too. If you fuck up and get caught then the penalty for the next 3 weeks is double demerits. If you have no idea what that means then allow me to explain it for you: if you get caught speeding or running a red light or whatever then not only will you be fined but you will receive demerit points against your name. The amount of points you receive varies with the severity of the offence but once you hit 12 points it's bye-bye license for at least 3 months.

At last check I was at 10 so its best behaviour for me at the moment anyway. One slight infraction and I'm pounding the pavement for a while.

Thankfully my only real run in with the police recently was at a booze bus I went through last night. While I was blowing into the machine another cop walked up and told me to turn my fog lights off. My reply was an instant "dude, they aren't on!" to which he said "well they were". I realised what he was on about and explained that the corresponding one pops on automatically when you indicate left or right. With a straight face he retorts "so the car is unroadworthy and needs a work order...?" My jaw drops in a manner which reflects my shock at finally meeting a real life Chief Wiggam. I pause and come out with "mate, its factory!" and get cut off with "I'm just fuckin with ya - get out of here!".

All I can say is that it's good to see not all cops are dick heads and have a sense of humour.

Anyway I think I've wasted enough of everyone's time with my ramblings not only for this update but for this year as well. Lets get on with it shall we...?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

We're witnessing a craze in the porn industry. Following the example of most TV channels, the Internet is exploding with reality porn sites!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Freakage - Dogs & Christmas - Obscure Sexual Terms - Kringle Karols - Hotties Sucking Nipples

Pitbull Attack - Turn My Head Phones Up! - Tramp-O-Claus - Christmess - Jessica Simpsons Sexy Ass

One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for Christmas. He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her. The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes. So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting to "Santa". He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear Santa, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went, and a few days later came another letter to Santa from the old lady. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear Santa, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - we haven't gotten over it. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."


This humorous video has pretty much nothing to do with Christmas except instead of jolly fat men we have jolly fat women. I've always hated the song that they perform with a passion but you've got to admit they do bring a certain special something to it. Check it...

- The Moulin Huge -

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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position your-self near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labsour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

So this is the last Reader Mail for the year which means I should take this opportunity to thank all of you who have sent me stuff over the last 12 months. There's been some amazing stuff come through and I honestly feel privileged to have it land in my inbox so huge thankyou to everyone who has contributed. As for everyone else, if you've got something you wanna send, something you'd like to see on the site or simply feel it your place to tell me how bad of a job I am doing then you may do so here.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!
Thatmosis here, Days before Xmas, turn on the TV and its Xmas crap on every channel and worse still Yank Xmas crap! Its so sickly sweet that fingers down the throat come to mind. Shows that are repeated year after year ad nausium so that everyone knows the scripts by heart, or new shows that are exactly the same as the old shows except they are in colour. Messages of joy and goodwill interspersed between ads to entice you to buy, buy, buy. And the shops, Xmas @#$@&%*$#@ Musac, scenes of jolly old St Nick and his helpers with snow all over the place with the temperature in the 30's, screaming kids on the gimmee, gimmee, gimmee trail, flustered adults maxing out their cards to appease the little "darlings" . But wait there's more, as if by magic at 12pm on Xmas eve the new ads appear for the after Xmas sales where they will attempt to sell at a reduced price (lol) you all the crap that they couldn't sell you before Xmas. There is help at hand, The Thatmosis Xmas Survival Kit, more next year, you will just have to suffer this time. By the way , Have a Merry Xmas and a happy New Year.

Alejandro Vargas wrote:
Subject: Re: a classic "what's that song on that vid?" email.
Hello Orsm. I guess you've already gotten this info like a dozen times, but here goes anyways. The song on the clip is "Lucy doesn't love you" by Ivy. Oh, and the guy who asked is either very lazy, stupid, or both. Googling the first line spoken, "Nothing's ever going to make her happy", spits out the correct info quite easily. Great site, and happy holydays.

Brendon Rushfeldt wrote:
Subject: In reply to the muppet fucker.... ummmm... so?
I'm sure the reference in the picture was of bush/hitler being increadibly power-hungry, not a genocidal maniac. If you can't take humor of this nature, of a 'Potentially Offensive' nature that is, GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE INTERNET YOU DUMB FUCK!

erindale wrote:
Subject: Bush/Hitler photo
I had a wry smile when reading the poor outraged "muppet fucker" rant [about the bush/hitler pic]. Obviously needs to spend a bit more time in his history books, I'd be more upset at the fact that Prescot Bush (that's GW's grand daddy, muppet) was one of Hitler's bankers during WW2. It's a pity you weren't thinking about that little nugget when you were voting for dear ole GW then maybe you could have put your outrage to good use....... you truly are a Muppet. Great site ORMS blah, blah.....

Jim B wrote:
Subject: My 2 cent's worth
This is in response to muppet fucker's complaint that even though he has been a fan, one of your items offended him so much that he is not coming back. Here's my suggestion: Each week, you should describe everything you plan to post the following week and let everyone vote on whether or not they are offended by it and whether they want it posted. We certainly don't want to take a chance on offending a visitor when they find out that one out of one hundred items displeases them. That wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?

Germany wrote:
Subject: Complaint
Hello, I am one of the million viewers who got this picture by mail.. Who do u mean by 'little bastard face'.. Do u refer to the little boy? If you do, i hope you can remove this page out from your website. He's not a BASTARD. Why did u call that? He is just a kid.. innocent.. dont show your National's Anger and view it to the world through this website.

Chris wrote:
Subject: Re: It's soooooooooooooo scary
Hey Orsm, Chain mails are a really big, stupid problem and in the spirit of reducing those big stupid problems from our world please do not post them.

Robert Greenough wrote:
Subject: random shite
hey on your new random shite section i noticed that the fat guy on the croch rocket has a free mason emblem on the back of the bike, i just found that weird and i thought i would point that out if no one elce had noticed. Cuz a lot of people think the free masons are the real controlers of many things such as governments and religions

Aluizio wrote:
Subject: Naked in a restaurant
Hi, there! About the pictures from a restaurant in Rio, I can say: it's not from Rio, for sure. Here in Brazil we don't have Pillsner beers neither that brand of cigarrettes (as you can see at the table). And the prices of the drinks are very different...

Christopher Linder wrote:
Subject: Anti-aircraft mistake
In the video "Anti-Aircraft" a chopper gets knocked down buy an shoulder fired missile. Eric Qiullen Morris wrote in and seemed very upset about US choppers getting knocked down. Who could blame him? Except there's one problem - those aren't US choppers. The first chopper is unmistakably Russian, probably an Mi-8. The second chopper is probably an Mi-24, a Russian attack chopper referred to in the west as a Hind. It is hard to tell because the video is poor quality but it IS certain that it has 5 rotor blades. Apaches have 4. Cobras have 2. Hinds have 5. Most likely this is footage from the Afghan-Russian war

Luke wrote:
Subject: silly bitch
Hey Dude, This silly bitch in the pics left these pics of herself on a public computer desktop just before i went on it... So, i thought the appropriate thing to do was to save them to my email, forward it to everyone in my address book, then, last but not least, send to you to have your way with them HAHA. Silly biatch... Cheers for the awesome site man, The Donnybrook Horror!!!

click to enlarge

Mike Davis wrote:
Subject: Hotties From Salem Illinois
Thought this was a good addition for your wonderful website keep up the good work!

Breasts are always a good addition. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Brad wrote:
Subject: pics
hey man love the site, thought i'd send some pics of this dumb bitch who just decided to send me them. keep up the good work, dont show my details if thats cool.

click for gallery

Foxhole wrote:
Subject: Lemonade Cock
Here are some pics I took of a bottle of Lemonade we had thawing in the sink. I was going to open it and drink straight from the bottle, but when I discovered what looked to be a HUGE knob, I decided to pour it into a glass instead.

Some people... too much bloody time! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Lee Driver wrote:
Subject: Pics of a splitting headache......
Mr. Orsm, A buddy of mine sent me these pics the other day and I immediately thought of your site. I've seen a lot of fucked up stuff out there but there is always something that out does the last one.

Nasty. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dave wrote:
Subject: Discovery

click to view vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stick to the head
Hi Mr. Orsm ! Here's a video from B-School. Some type of initiation ritual. Stick to the Head !! Sgotta hurt ! More soon.

click to view vid

Rents wrote:
Subject: Video
Just thought that you may want to help me share this clip with the rest of the world.

Consider it done. -Orsm

click to enlarge

FOXXMAN wrote:
Subject: Fw: sandcastles
hey Mr orsm. i never sent u anything but these imoressed me and i know u had similar pics, thought u may like em... Cheers for the site and keep up good work..

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols!"


1. Talk about huge, firm, delicious, succulent, inviting breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Seconds? I can handle thirds, maybe even fourths!
9. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
10. Just pull the skin back, try the end of it and see how you like it!
11. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
12. Don't play with your meat.
13. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
14. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
15. There will be enough for everyone to get stuffed three of four times!
16. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
17. You still have a little bit on your chin.
18. How long will it take after you stick it in?
19. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
21. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
22. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
23. Oh please, can I have just a little nibble?

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this, "She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!"


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority, and the examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the gauges.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


This weeks Random Shite is guaranteed not to offend, disgust or corrupt anyone. Bah... who am I kidding? Just click the damn links and decide for yourselves...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold winter night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2 full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.

Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy. "And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?'' I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's cry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

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A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."


This is a vid that'll knock your socks off and it's proudly brought to you buy the lads over at AmateurAllure.com. The chicks are amazing and well they sure know how to suck a mean cock. Tonnes more pics and vids @ AmateurAllure.com!!

- The Amateur Allure Girls -

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Well as they say - that is that. Before I go I'd like to shout out big thankyou's to Honer for making suure the site runs and absolutely everyyone else that has contributed or simply surfed by for a visit - without you all there would be nothing here!

If you're feeling generous and want to show me your love for the countless hours I pour into the site to provide even more countless hours of entertainment for countless numbers of you then stop by my wish list and prove it!

On that note I'm outta here. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and remember to have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.12.16-23.08
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Welcome to Orsmnet. You've arrived at the site which was described in a recent interview with acclaimed gift expert Nick Claus as being "the penultimate gift for someone you like..." so please sit back, relax and do what you're told...

So we're just over a week out from that 'special day' and I'm starting to realise it's time to get off my ass and get my Christmas shopping done. This isn't going to be a pleasant experience either. I'm one of those annoying people that likes to have everything done and organised well before it needs to be however this year I find myself far from that assuring state of readiness.

To date I've got presents sorted for one person out of the ten or eleven that I need to cover. The first one was an easy one - jump online to Amazon and order a DVD. Quick, painless and sorted in less than five minutes.

As for everyone else, well that's a different story. I've pretty much flagged the whole be creative and surprise someone with a present of my own choosing and elected to ask them all what the hell they want. The benefits of this method are great. Firstly, the person that you're buying for gets to name something they would actually like thus avoiding disappointment and that fake happy look you are given when they unwrap it.

Secondly, it gives you a dollar value to shoot for. If you know that Mum says she'd like a food processor for the kitchen, it's a safe bet that what ever is coming back your way will be of a similar value. With this method you'll never have to endure that that uncomfortable embarrassment when the $200 that's been spent buying you some new toy, has been reciprocated with a $10 gift voucher towards a makeover.

click here for more

Anyway, faced with the daunting present buying extravaganza ahead of me I last night put forward the idea that maybe we should switch to a Secret Santa sort of arrangement whereby all you have to do is buy a prezzie for one person and someone else buys one for you. Simple plus drastically reduces the aggravation of dealing with the Christmas shopping crowds for too long and not to mention cheaper. Unfortunately, my little brainwave was shot the fuck down... in record time too! Turns out people like getting lots of presents...

One thing I am definitely looking forward to is the post Christmas sales. I mean no one is going to cough up for the stuff I really want so I can't let this opportunity to buy myself some new toys pass me by and on the very top of the list is a new TV. I figure that when I finally get a place of my own I'm going to need one for the living room and may as well take advantage of the sales to get a bad boy. Next item on the list is a surround sound unit thingy with lots of speakers for enhanced viewing pleasure.

After having said all that the main focus as I embark this weekend and at the after Christmas sales is to control myself. Last year is a good reminder that ruthlessly pounding my credit card with shit after unnecessary shit is a bad idea... it took me months of controlling myself afterwards to get it back down to a reasonable level and I'd bet that I'm still paying for stuff I bought then, now..

I guess if all else fails I can just set up one of those stupid websites begging for people to pay my credit card bill for me because I am irresponsible retard or at the very least point you all at my wish list...!!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

I was surfing around the other day trying to relieve some boredom when I came across aBum.com. The first thing that put and end to my predicament wasn't the sexy video of Anna Kournikova pulling up her skirt and showing her fine little ass but the tonnes of free videos, squillions of pics and splash animations and games. Don't think - check it out now!

Drop dead gorgeous women playing with their pussies and toys. Need I say more? Give Me Pink!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Sucks To Be Me! - SlingShot Santa - Foreign Fingers - Bulges - Naked Hockey Girls - Flex-etary

Jennifer Aniston's Fine Ass - Cute Girl Flirting - Patriots - Cock Pit - Shake That Ass!

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen in love." "Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?" "With you," he answered. "But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own some day but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?" "Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too. I don't know why you men ask the same fucking question."

click here for more

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.


People do some stupid things and until I saw this clip I had always thought I was right up there at the top of that list. Before you watch this I should point out that if you're even slightly squirmish it would be a good idea to scroll down and avoid it as it involves a crocodile, an arm, and an... amputee...

- That's What You Get -

click to watch vid


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that chance!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course, the brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million dollars could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

I would have thought in these times of digital camera's and office Christmas parties, Reader Mail would be chock-full of incriminating photos poking fun at work mates who have gone to great lengths to make fools of themselves yet sadly, you, the internet community have failed me! Anyway, if you've got something you'd like to see on the site, an interesting story to share or have simply been awaiting the opportune moment to tell me to go fall off a cliff, you may do so here.

loo magee wrote:
Subject: Real Life Joe Dirt Truth
Hey orsm, Just like to say this is the best site in the world. Just thought youd liek to know that the "The Real Joe Dirt" Clip you posted this week is a fake. Phil Henery is a radio host out in LA and his show his fuckin hilarious. THis is because he does multiple voices and POSES as these callers making crazy statements. Only his common listerners know this, so when he gets people that are flipping through the radio, he gets real callers calling in IRATE and PISSED at what these "characters" are saying. He does everything from this guys vvoice to a woman's voice. Just thoughtd youd like to know.

Dave wrote:
Subject: Aberdeen, Scotland, Telephone Message
Orsm, Great Site, I like to dip in when I can. I was blown away when I saw you had telephone messages from Aberdeen, Scotland and I knew they were genuine when they were entitled Northfield. Yes, I was brought up in Northfield, Aberdeen, Scotland and I think it's fair to say that there are more than a few women who fit the description of the caller. Indeed, I lived next door to one for over 10 years. Nice as nine-pence when sober and a total pest with a drink in. I know that's not my ex-neighbour because she died a couple of years ago. I'd say, judging by the accent, the caller originally comes from a different part of Scotland, but these mental women can be found in all parts of Scotland. She obviously got 1 digit wrong, be it the STD (Standard Trunk Dialing rather Sexually Transmitted Disease) code or the local number. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that this clip, to my mind, was definitely genuine, and perhaps a bit mild compared to some of the stuff I heard from my ex-neighbour during my formative years.

muppet fucker wrote:
Subject: ok, you've lost a fan....
I've been a fan of your site for the past couple of years but its time to remove you from my favorites folder. The Bush/Nazi picture created by Phil is so fuckin disrespectful. I'm a american and i'm jewish and i know the history well from my older relatives about the Nazis, not just the bullshit from history books. And i know plenty of people hate Bush and thats all fine and good but comparing the two is so fucked. I'm sure you won't remove the picture so i'll just tell you to go fuck yourself from here.

Lee Smith wrote:
Subject: help
hi orsm. luv the site visit every week. i'm e-mailing cause i need some help. i'm a Psychology student from England and for my final unit of the course i am writing a thesis on the reactions of the human mined when viewing child pornography. for this experiment to succeed i need images and if possible videos of the aforementioned pornography. i'm asking you along with many other people as you may have come across this material in your line of work. if so could you send them to this e-mail address. thank you for reading this e- mail.

Idiot. -Orsm

Kenny wrote:
Subject: Greetings
Mr Awesome ( American Pronunciation ). You are indeed that - I have enjoyed your website for some time now and I have enjoyed it immensely - you have done well for yourself, my boy - keep up the good work - I am from the state of Pennsylvania in the U.S. - have a great Holiday season - I feel the same way you do about the ' family gathering ' thing - I feel as I get older I am becoming more hermetic - take care, my friend.

John wrote:
Subject: a classic "what's that song on that vid?" email.
Hey there Orsm. You posted a link last week, featuring a dancing anime girl and I was wondering what the song in the video was. Trust me, I tried my best not to email you and waste your time. I even tried searching by lyrics with the help of this useful site, but no luck.

Anyone know it? -Orsm

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: shit stirring
Hi Orsm, Been known to do a bit of shit stirring in my day, keeps one feeling alive and the brain ticking over. Shit stir for today- Its happened again, another Soapy Star???(Tammin Sursok) has become a Pop Star???, not only does she sound like all the other singers (and I use the term lightly) in todays pop charts but you can guess her life from now on:

1. She will continue to bring out songs that sound the same.
2. She will show more and more tits and arse to sell her records. ( good for us)
3. She will find the love of her life and tell the world through the Women's mags
4. The love of her life will jilt her and she will be on the verge of breaking down and will tell the world through the Women's mags.
5. Within a week she will have found a new love of her life and everything will be rosy again and tell the world through the Women's mags.
6. She will have : a. an eating disorder, b. plastic surgery, c.a life threatening disease. and tell the world through the Women's mags.
7. She will release a range of exclusive lingerie.
8. And she will still sound like all the other "singers" around today.

And another thing, have a look at what the "moral majority" is doing in the land of the free, no more theory of evolution is to be taught in their schools only Creationism. 65% 0f Americans believe that the world is only 10,000 years old. Welcome to the new Dark Ages.

Iain Price wrote:
Subject: CATASTROPHE - The most disturbing image of 2004
CATASTROPHE - The most disturbing image of 2004. I am choked up with emotion... let the picture speak for itself.

It's a sad, sad day. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Druss wrote:
Subject: tasteless
Love the site man, best thing on the web. Livens up an otherwise boring day. Keep up the good work. Hope you like the pic I attached! It's funny and tasteless

That's pretty wrong. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Bobby Ward wrote:
A group of friends are spending their holidays making a "Fun Run" across the country. They are traveling light and are looking for places along the way where they can crash for a few days. I thought maybe you could help out by welcoming them and making them feel at home. I took the liberty of giving them your phone number and address. They leave in a day or so, and you can probably expect them to arrive sometime in the next 3 weeks To help you recognize them (I don't want you to be taken in complete strangers), attached is their photo. Thanks.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wasted
Hey Mr Orsm. Just a little something to give all those horny girls a good laugh. A pic of my best man: Lets call him Haggis after a good night out in sleepy East London, South Africa.

Gee... I'd never do something like that......... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Leen wrote:
Subject: It's soooooooooooooo scary
This photo was taken in a hospital after the patient was in an accident where he was responsible for a young woman's death. It is said that when you receive this image and do not send it to at least five people, the woman will look for you during the night to collect your soul. People in Laredo, Texas, received this image and did not send it and were killed outside a bar; it looked as if this woman killed them. I don't want to take any chances! Send it to five people or the woman will look for you.

click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Safety Message: Be Careful Who You Fly Formation With
WOW... that pilot doesn't waste anytime hitting his ejection seat....I'd have been in the second fireball by the time I stopped screaming and found the ejection handle. Be Careful Who You Fly in Formation With FA-18 drop tank hits TA-4, pilot ejects OK

click to watch vid

dj earthquake wrote:
Subject: Video submission ...........
I have a video to submit !!!! title: killing in the name of . comments, text, submission : Duck hunting in utah , ducks head falls off .... funny as hell. edited to rage against the machiene , this video is short and jamin !!!!!! produced by Da Grinch ! enjoy !!!!!!!

click to watch vid

Curt H wrote:
Subject: video-antics caught on film
Hey Mr. Orsm! Like everyone else, my friends and I love the site and would like to contribute. This is a video of a friend of ours who is coming back from the army within the next week. Since we know he'll check Orsm.net the day he gets back, we'd just like to welcome him home. P.S. Those are pillows (20 total) from a hotel room, we certainly hope they wash them after guests check out.

click to watch vid
William wrote:
Subject: rio
restaurant in rio de janeiro
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
Click for more awesomeness

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old? If so, you may enjoy this short story.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

click here for more

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."


The one, the only, it's Random Shite... deal with it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a near by well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

"The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately,"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it 2 coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a "Porch," it's a Lexus."

click here for more

Husband and wife are talking one night when the wife says to husband, "If i die would you remarry?" Hubby thinks and says "Well yeah I suppose I would in time"

Wife asks: "Would you let her live in OUR house?" Hubby replies: "Well this is a nice house, we've been here a while - yeah guess I would let her live here".

Wife asks : "would you let her sleep in OUR bed?". Hubby thinks and replies; "Well comfy bed - yeah I guess I would let her sleep in it..."

Wife asks: "Would you let her use MY golf clubs?" Hubby replies; "Don't be ridiculous! She's left handed!"


This is a vid that'll knock your socks off and it's proudly brought to you buy the lads over at AmateurAllure.com. The chicks are amazing and well they sure know how to suck a mean cock. Tonnes more pics and vids @ AmateurAllure.com!!

- The Amateur Allure Girls -

click here for more

Wow another update done and dusted! The best part if you're me is that it's the second last one for the year! Yes I know that there is still a whole other Thursday after Christmas and before New Years Eve but I'm going to take the chance to have some time off so if you have any complaints please grab a spoon and eat my ass.

One final point... I know that with Christmas so damn close you all are wondering what present to get me!? Well don't despair! My wish list can be found here and is ready and waiting for attention...!!

On that note I'm outta here. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and remember to spread the Christmas cheer! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.12.09-23.10
click here for more

Welcome to the season to be jolly. This is Orsmnet and I am now in control. Please do not adjust your modems.

Whoa slow down there, tiger. A little over two weeks from now we'll be all be dragged kicking and screaming into spending an entire day with our loved ones...

Okay so maybe everyone doesn't cling to the same pessimistic view that I generally approach Christmas with and for at least the last couple of years I've ended up having an awesome day but if I expect the worst it can only get better from there right?

One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older though is how political these occasions tend to be. When you're a kid all you know is that on the 25th of December some fat bastard in a red suit is going to squeeze his way down the chimney with a crap load of presents for ME ME ME!! The rest of the day is spent showing off all your new shit to your grand parents, uncles, aunties, cousins and pretty much anyone else whose attention you can get and then partaking in a feast where you proceed to gorge yourself into oblivion... usually twice.

Nowadays the present thing is way less important. You get what you're given and if you don't like it well heres the receipt, go swap it for something else. As for the day, I often head into it wondering which members of the extended family will actually be present. Reasons for lack of attendance generally range from having being ostracised from the family unit whether by choice or decree to spending the day with partner's families to living abroad. One thing is for sure - the tradition of getting everyone in the same room together is long lost. Sad really...

Beyond that, things get broken down even further. There are three definable groups that I try to satisfy with my presence. In no particular order they are Mums side, Dads side and of course my friends.

click here for more

The trick is to find the balance between them all but this is where the politics comes in. Normally some time in early November everyone starts trying to work out what the plan is for the day. What side is hosting lunch and what side is hosting dinner and due to my parents being divorced it complicates matters even further. It's we siblings, who get left to do the go between stuff, find out what one side is doing so the other can work around, or, tell the other side this is what's happening and tough titties if they don't like it. Someone will always complain about something no matter what. It's fucked up but does provide countless opportunities to have some fun and shit stir.

The friend's element is always left for last and the one I most look forward to. I think this is attributable obviously not only to the fact they are my friends but the fact there's no bullshit involved, no drama about lunch or dinner, about who is and isn't there, its just catch up and relax for a while. This is what Christmas should be about.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I was surfing around the other day trying to relieve some boredom when I came across aBum.com. The first thing that put and end to my predicament wasn't the sexy video of Anna Kournikova pulling up her skirt and showing her fine little ass but the tonnes of free videos, squillions of pics and splash animations and games. Don't think - check it out now!

Was speaking to my bud from ShooshTime the other day and he was quite adamant that he'll be working over time to fullfill all your Holiday Hottie Day needs in coming weeks. Superb asses, perfect boobs, funky games, squillions of videos and sex romps are all on the agenda. This shit is ALL FREE too! He'll even include a FREE blowjob if you stop by for a look! Check it now!

If you like high quality hardcore porn and haven't yet seen AllInternal, you don't know what you're missing.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Subaruised [Awesome Crash] - Italian English - DIY Tazer - War - Amazing Ass - Super Man - Wary Fat Kid

Hubbie Hires A Hooker - Sexy Wife Suprises Hubbie - Test Your Gaydar - Public Flasher - Ex-Girlfriend

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "I have... only fifty cents!"
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8 percent of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

click here for more

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replies, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

click here for more

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


This is one of the most amazing, most spectacular race crashes you will ever see. I can't quite remember the specifics but if memory serves it happened in Japan a few years ago and the driver actually survived. He also went on to sue the pants off the race organisers and, despite the fact he lost the use of his legs as a result of the crash, walked away with a massive compensation payout. Check it...

- Crash & Burn -

click here for more

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses." "The kind that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

All sorts from all walks this week. Wanna have your say or see something on the site or whatever then all you gotta do is click here and send me an email!

eric qiullen morris wrote:
Subject: just some mail
hi mr orsm. long time looker, first time writer. in regard to the clip you posted, "Anti-Aircraft" was pretty disturbing. the crew of that helo prolly wouldnt like taliban filming their conquest.. Now, being a Yank i love to see things go boom as much as any redblooded irish/american male. but i think its pretty fuckin sad that a couple of desert rats could bring down a chopper a mile off with an RPG. 220billion dollars spent on the defense budget and this is what we get. fuckin sad.

peteb wrote:
Subject: HOw much does she get paid?
Hey, Love your site. A buddy and I were wondering how much you think a chick will get paid for something like your "Oh God No More" video-sort of scenario?

Your guess is as good as mine. -Orsm

wayne scott wrote:
Oh dear, with reference to Paul Mccarragher,at least our rock stars don't die swinging from the ceiling whilst tossing off.

Joakim Ceder wrote:
Subject: My boss
Send you something on my boss, I just asked if I could take some pictures.

God damn... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Phil wrote:
Subject: too much free time
hey Mr.Orsm your site is the shit i've always wanted to send u somthing but never had ne thing worth sending (that could very well still be the case) ne way a couple days ago i was bored as hell and decided i would do something productive with my time so I made this I doubt its worthy of your site but i figured it might make it into random shit if i got lucky. Hope you at least enjoy it.

click to enlarge

Jack Frost wrote:
Subject: Pregnant porn!
Hi ORSM, Firstly your sites kicks arse, it is by a long way my favourite place on the net - I know, disturbing. As a token of the world's gratitude for your site, attached is a picture of my wife nine days before she gave birth to our son. Her boobs have gotten heaps bigger since then, but here's the most recent pic of her topless. Please don't publish my email address, thanks.

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Jose Santiago wrote:
Subject: study done under Ronald Reagan is a LIE!!!!
Dear Orsm dude... I have been a very big fan of your site for years now and always love all the shit you hand out for the people to enjoy. I wanted to submit something for the site That I thought people would like...

This is a very interesting study. It's the scientific study done under the supervision of Ronald Reagan to scare people into believing that Marijuana kills Brain cells when in fact it PROMOTES brain activity. There is also the first page of the book I got it from, it's called The Emperor Wears No Clothes, By a man named Jack Herer. All this lying from the government has to STOP. Scientists all over the world agree that marijuana is NOT addictive, NOT a Gateway drug, and is a very good medicine for everyone.

I hope you put this on your site so everyone in the world can see. If you want any more from the book, I'll scan some more pages and send them to you.

Jane Mueller wrote:
Subject: Qantas
Amazing photo of a 747 that ran off the edge of the sealed area and into the grass.. AMAZINGLY everyone survived with a few cuts and bruises !!

click to enlarge

Jilly G wrote:
Subject: Danielle Jones
Hey orsm, have been a fan of your site since the bf hooked me on it about two years ago. Attatched are two of a rather angry mates ex girlfriend via webcam so they are a bit blurry. More photos to come in the next few days so more to come to you guys soon! Enjoy

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Brian wrote:
Subject: rs picture
Found this in my neighborhood one day when they were doing street repairs.

Handy to know but my man hole is fine how it is... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Bony Town wrote:
Subject: Willow From Buffy
Hi, First things, great site, it may be sad but I do look forward to Thursdays for the update! Now, after the kiss ass, onto the meat. On a trawl through the web I found these vid clips. Now, to me these look like willow, but then I may be wrong. I thought you may like them for you increasingly regular sex tape of the week slot.

click to watch vid

Aberdeen-Angus wrote:
Subject: Aberdeen threat.
Hi. Here's a few genuine threatening phone calls off an answering machine from Aberdeen in Scotland. Worth a laugh, especially the third one.

click to listen click to listen click to listen

Kieran wrote:
Subject: NBA fight in Detroit
G'day Orsm, You probably saw this plastered all over the news. Here's a clip with some of the best bits.

Meant to post this a couple of weeks back... here it is anyway. -Orsm

click to watch vid

vernon wrote:
Subject: my wife
Here are some pics of my wife. I thought I would send some because 1 I love your site and 2 every time I see pics of girlfriends on here they show no good pussy shots. We are also on newbie nudes under the name lacey. I know how you like that site. If you could I would love to see my beautiful wife on here and I think your viewers would like to see her. If they don't like my wife I will let her shove her dildo in my ass and take a pic to humiliate me on your site. Thanks.

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Click for more awesomeness

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (rendered kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make you wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

click here for more

Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favourite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing a gale.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Melbourne, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from New South Wales, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Queensland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names... It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Queenslander got the job.


Random Shite is like a big chocolate wheel... you never know where the fucker is going to land... you never know what you'll get... or whether you'll win or lose... until it's all too late that is...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if did was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

click here for more

A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word, "fascinate."

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Billy said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


School was never like this for me! Taking a hands on approach to teaching, these experienced 'educators' are instructing our students in the fine art of fucking! My First Sex Teacher is every young guy's first fantasy come true! Click here to check out tonnes more free vids and pics now.

- My First Sex Teacher: Miss Filmore -

click here for more

Guess what? That's all from me this week! If I haven't managed to satisfy your every desire, every fantasy or keep you amused for a while then you can always check back next week!

Before I blow this joint allow me to point the more caring and loving amongst you at my wish list... this is my poor attempt to entice you the happy surfer into buying me something from Amazon.com that I really want as a thankyou for all the hard hours of work I pour into this puppy known the world over as Orsmnet. Lame? Maybe... but its appreciated I swear!

On that note I'm outta here. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and remember to spread some Christmas cheer! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.12.02-23.13
click here for more

Welcome one and all to Orsmnet... you're one stop shop for all that is free on the web!

Don't you hate when you get a new game and you're torn between sitting down for marathon sessions staring blankly into the computer screen as opposed to something productive? Welcome to my world...

I have a special place in my heart for the original Half Life. It was the very first game I really got into when I first got a computer way back in 1999. I was blown away by the amazing graphics and game play plus a million other things I never knew were available to any dickhead with a PC.

That being the case I have been absolutely hanging out for Half Life 2 to be released and thankfully it landed in my lap earlier this week. Despite a few technical hiccups I finally have the damn thing up and running. I fired it up for the first time earlier this evening just to 'test it' only to lose a couple of hours that I'll never get back whilst trying to get this update finished.

It happens to me maybe once or twice a year - I get a new game and promptly disappear from civilisation for a week. My problem is that like Pringles, once I start I can't stop. I get obsessive about these things and must... keep... playing... until I have conquered all. It's for this very reason that I rarely load a game on to my computer anymore unless I know the sacrifice will be justified however in the case of Half Life 2 it most definitely is. It's also the same reason I don't own an XBox or Play Station.

The annoying thing is that after spending the aforementioned couple of hours of 'testing' it's pretty clear that the time for another hardware upgrade has come. My video card, whilst much loved and full of wanky features that I have never used in two and a half years of ownership, just isn't cutting the mustard anymore. I'm running at the lowest settings and still have to suffer through slightly jerky game play and shitty graphics and a game like this deserves far better.

click here for more

I hate doing hardware upgrades. Sure, the benefits are always worth it but I almost always find myself a victim of buyer's remorse. I go out and buy some new little toy or add-on or upgrade or whatever, get home, install it and start playing around. A few days later I start asking myself "did I really need that 19in monitor?" or "is the $300 that the RAID stuff cost me really going to make life that much better?". Stupidly enough the answer is always a resounding yes because that 19in monitor made programs I need to work on the site infinitely more usable and the extra speed I gained from switching to RAID cut down on how long it took me to do various tasks dramatically.

My other biggest weakness when it comes to games is none other than Need For Speed which incidentally I also have a copy of the latest version sitting idly on my hard drive just waiting for a thrash. Once again I got completely sucked in to it around this time last year - every spare minute was spent trying to race my way through all 100 or so tracks just so I could put it behind me and move on with my life.

I honestly would have thought that by this time in my life I'd have outgrown games but I couldn't be farther from that if I tried. Wonder if I'll still be the same in another ten?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Do u like big boobs? Well, who doesn't? Do you know which site has been voted the top big breast site on the Internet? You should: read big tits porn reviews by Rabbit.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Christina & Cameron - Barbie Girl Dancer - What A Bastard - Dear Alcohol - Health Q & A - Surviving A Rape Attack

Sexy Anime Dancer - Girl Humping Door - Salad Fingers: Picnic - More Crazy Arabs - Naked Soldier

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked... "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why," she asks, "because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were avirgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

click here for more


Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian

Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian - Adrian

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How! many times do I have to tell you? "NO, NO, NO!!!"


The things people will do for money... or should I say the things you hope people are doing for money. There's so many fucked up and demented fetishes out there and most of them I will never understand. Why would you eat someone's shit? Or drink a huge cup that 20 guy's have ejaculated in? Or let some dude piss in your mouth... like this chick does...

- Oh God No More -

click here for more

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

Mail seems to have quietened down a bit lately. Are you guy's asleep or something? If you wanna send something my way, or feel the urge to have your say or maybe just passing on your thoughts about me getting run down by a vehicle moving at high speed then feel free to drop me a line here.

paul mccarragher wrote:
Subject: Poms
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, looks like we have to apologise for making the Poms look like fools again, not only did we beat them at Soccer, Lawn Bowls and Cricket but now its Rugby League and Rugby Union, oh dear, too bad, never mind, seems the only thing we cant beat them at is giving OBE's to one shot wonders.

Trying to upset a few people...? I'm all for it... -Orsm

Cujo wrote:
Subject: N3FAG
I'm a student pilot myself, so when I saw the picture of the gay plane I decided to look up the ownership. I stumbled on that service on the FAA's site one day while poking around. Note, all US registered aircraft a prefixed by "N" and we just call them N-numbers. I thought it was an odd number, not only for the obvious reasons, but because all of the ones I'm used to on GA (general aviation) aircraft are 3 numbers and then 2 letters.

Long story short (too late), I tried to look it up and it said that was not a valid N-number (only allowed 2 alpha charaters). It's FUNNY, but obviously a photoshop job, but you probably already knew that.

Ed wrote:
Hey hows it going? I was hoping you could send me pictures of #( Asian Girls Wearing Skimpy Bikinis & Chlothing)# I am doing a paper on Japanese sex preferences. I have been enjoying your site for a few years now. Any help you can offer will be appreciated.

Mark wrote:
Subject: funny pic
Hey Mr. Orsm... I've been reading your website for a couple of years now and at last I think I have a pic worthy to send in. I live in Japan and while this place is full of weird stuff, this one actually made me stop and gawk for a full minute or so before I pulled out the trusty digital camera. It's an ad for a new CD by some J-pop starlet - or some new kind of gastronomic bukkake. Anyway, it was out there for all to walk past and enjoy! Also, I'd like to send a shout out to my mate Todd who first pointed me to your site. G'day, you mad bastard!

click to enlarge

James wrote:
Subject: Quantas 747
Quantas 747 in Cork, Ireland.... Had a pack of Aussie Vitners come over on October 6th to check out Cork as a piss up location, I mean possible export destination..... They must have stood on the brakes until their eye popped out when they landed this here....... Keep up the good work on the site, and more pictures of scantily clad sheep please.....

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Pricey wrote:
Subject: We need a bigger crane Jim!
Hi again orsm, sorry to be a pain in the ass and mail you more shite. but.... Check this comedy of errors out. Seems the first crane driver thought the outriggers on his truck were for show only. Live and learn.

Darwin Award candidate perhaps? -Orsm

click for gallery

The Advice Asshole wrote:
Subject: logo
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Styled Logo. Enjoy...

Fuck I haven't had a Reeces for ages. Anyone know where to buy them in Perth? -Orsm

click to enlarge

ST wrote:
Subject: good girl
Hi Mate. I've been a big fan of the site for ages. Just thought I would send this as it is a quality photo of my girl's asss. This was taken in a carpark after I simply asked her to show me her ass. She's a good girl.

Umm... WOW! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Davie wrote:
Subject: Darius Danesh prycless lol
Darius Danesh letting it all hang out on live tv on Children in Need lol.

That's just nasty... -Orsm

click to enlarge

John Donald wrote:
Subject: New Martha Stewart
At first I wondered "Can she really replace Martha Stewart?" And then I thought .... "Oh, what the hell, let's give her a chance...."

She gets my vote... -Orsm

click to enlarge
click to watch vid

Phil wrote:
Subject: Master Card parody movie clip
Hiya, Saw this on Jay Leno last night (ie on Foxtel), so when it was re-run later on I made sure I captured it to hard drive. It's a full on piss-take of the Master Card Priceless stuff. Kind of interesting, Master Card were causing you so much grief a while ago, but NBC is obviously able to make and broadcast something like this on one of the biggest shows in America. If you ever cop any more shit from Master Card, then feel free to send them this clip. The fact is that the Larry Flynt/Hustler lawsuit in the '80s did clarify that parody is legal as long as it is clearly parody. Obviously all the Priceless parodies are legal, it's just that Master Card are pissed off about it. Tough, it's legal and there's nothing that they can do about it. I figure that NBC wouldn't have made and broadcast that last night unless they were absolutely sure it wouldn't cause any legal problems (or cost them advertising revenue).

click to watch vid

Abby wrote:
Subject: Crazy Insane Insane Crazy
I have discovered that going through all of my old camcorder tapes is almost like browsing through the orsm archives. I think I'm disturbed that I found many similar tidbits!I'm sending you one of the non-naked things I thought was appropriate. It's a bizarro vid of a pet mouse we once had that developed an enormous mammary tumor. (Evidently, rodents are prone to them.) "Sidecar Sally" ended up living with it for another several weeks until it just grew faster than the skin covering it. Ick. Next time, I'm sending a happy, joyous nudie shot, but this time I just had to share a gross rodent deformity.

Myke Lefkowitz wrote:
Subject: something i thought you might enjoy
i went frame by frame superimposing my friends head onto this. i thought you may like it.

Must have taken a while to do... none of my friends are worth that much effort! Original can be found here by the way. -Orsm

click to watch

Ron wrote:
Subject: John Deere header
Orsm,not sure if you want to use it but look what this nutter did. A John Deere header that drove across the M8 freeway (four lanes) to fill up with fuel at $1.11per litre.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." she responded.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

click here for more

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother...

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT!"

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel around 9 inches long had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got really big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!"

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh."

"Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet!" Mother fainted!


A little koala bear wanders into a whore house. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute".

She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

click here for more

This is the kind of guy you would go out of great lengths to keep away from your kids...

Your Mate - Your Mate - Your Mate - Your Mate - Your Mate - Your Mate

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies "fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo... I've got Windoooooows!!!"

I try and mix things up as much as possible with Random Shite with the whole idea being to lull you guy's into a false sense of security and then drop something completely fucked up in the middle there somewhere. So what are you waiting for... click the links and see what good old Uncle Orsm has in store this week...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea."

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence...!!

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Another update done and dusted. I hope I managed to give you all a break from the drudgery of a boring work day. I shall return next Thursday with a brand new update and I may even manage to do that all December long! Before I get out of here I'd like to point you at my wish list! This is the one place you can show me your love for the thousands of hours I spend each weak chained to my computer bringing you this site for free!

Anyway, until next time be good, stay off the chem's and feel free to cry yourself to sleep at night if you think it will help. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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