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December 2010...
orsmupdate 2010.12.23-13.09

Welcome to Orsm.net. My Christmas wish... girls to write ORSM on their boobs and send me the pics...

Where to start, where to start. The past week was far more jam-packed than I anticipated and thankfully most of it awesome. The exhaustion continues however - honestly thought things would be a bit more cruisy but like the entire year, there literally hasn't been a spare minute.

Let's just jump into recap mode and see where that takes us shall we? Beginning with Friday and the start of the insanity. The day kicked off with some much needed food shopping. The fridge and cupboards have been bare for weeks and I've been living on tinned crap and Easy Mac. From there it was home to start building my new PC. You may remember a few weeks back my other machine died without so much as a goodbye which meant t'was time to make my primary PC my secondary and bring in some new blood... and what a beast it is. Core i7 950, 12gigs RAM, dual SSD's in RAID 0 and video card so beefy it took two people to lift. The result is sick - 'Caprice' fucking flies which means I can work faster. That also took care of Christmas shopping to myself too.

Also managed to squeeze a haircut in between the build process... only significant because I finally took the plunge and moved to a shaved head. Number 2 all over. The reason for this has more to do with an ever balding scalp than anything else - I guess at some point you just have to embrace it otherwise you look like a desperate loser hoping no one will notice. The rest of Friday was squandered catching up with long lost friends who had finally arrived home and an airport run to remove another.

Saturday was U2. Having never seen them live I'd been hanging out for it since they announced shows here months ago. We made it there in time to see Jay Z open [who was better than I expected] and found a good place to stand. The lead up to the band starting was hilarious - a Mexican Wave started from one point but went both directions around the grandstands. As the wave collided, it stopped. The wave started over and over and each time it stopped the crowd booed louder until finally it crossed over and kept going which made the 55,000 strong audience erupt. The actual concert was good... good but not epic. Whether this was due to overhype or strong disappointment [on my part] that they didn't play Desire remains to be seen. I sort of just wanted to hear all their big songs and none of the new or less popular stuff without the political themes dropped in. And yes I know that's their thing. On their own, the band, the stage and pantograph video screen were all absolutely amazing but for some reason the combination of those elements just didn't blow me away. Would I go again? Yes but next time I'll get seats instead of standing. Some poor shot iPhone video here if you're interested.

Sunday bloody Sunday was our pre-Christmas extended family get together thing. Somewhere over the years it was decided we'd do it this way because with scheduling conflicts it's too hard to put everyone together on Christmas Day. This is the event I wanted to skip [due to various family dramas] but ultimately it was said my not attending would have caused the whole thing to be cancelled. How's that for pressure? Thankfully it wasn't as painful as it could have been and went off without a hitch. Great to spend time with my cousins and their kids too.

Speaking of which... I said a while back that following 2010 being year of the wedding, 2011 would be year of the baby. And oh how right I was. I think the total announced/expecting is currently at seven with two of those belonging to my closest friends' and one which will make me an uncle for the first time. Going to be an awesome year.

Okay moving on because I'm running out of space. Firstly - a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who supported the site this year. Whether you just surfed on by, contributed or whatever it spurs me on every single day and after ten years my resolve to make Orsm bigger and better is stronger than ever. For the record, there were 51 updates, around 2500 videos, over 700 image galleries, thousands of new RS pics with in excess of 20M visitors. Also, I've delayed implementing some of the new stuff being worked on so make sure you tune in next year.

Oh one more thing - need PC game recommendations. Preferably FPS but currently thinking CoD: Black Op's or Mafia II. Email me if you have any suggestions!

Okay let's get on with the update. Worked my fucking ass off on this thing. There will be no further updates for the year so wanted to post enough content to get you guys through the holidays so go forth and enjoy. Make sure you click anywhere it says 'Christmas' or 'Santa' too! Check it...

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Mr. Toastache - Cum All Ye - Xmas Babes - Get Nogged - Hot Hotties - Lingerie Fight - Jenny Walcott - Face Sitter

Drunk Gurls - Spicy Girls - Killer Body - Amazing!! - Tourettes Xmas - Holy Boobies! - Tron Babes - Wow Paris

Oh The Tits - Tae Kwon Ouch - Megan Fox - Aids Helps - Mena Suvari - Groovin' Gran - Nipples - I'm Hurt!

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come... then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along then let's face it... you're drunk again!
Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
Heather Mills parents sent her a new leg as a Christmas present. They told her it wasn't her main present... it was just a stocking filler.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him. Where do Santa's reindeer like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen for a Blizzard! What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet! If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missle-toe! What do you call a person who is scared of Santa? Claus-trophobic! How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
There were probably many, many times this year when I may have... disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today, I just wanted to tell you... SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE because there ain't no changes  planned for 2011!!



Consider the following:

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well Miss, me and my sister also go to church with mum and dad and sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents".

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year... dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Bentley and then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus'... then we all go to the Bahamas".


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna.

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. Merry Christmas.


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1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

With a couple of sparse weeks ahead I thought it would be better to leave you guys with a whole bunch of videos to bridge the gap. The fact I just didn't really have the time, energy or inclination to sort through Reader Mail submissions did not enter into it at all... plus it's not as if I'd rather be out and about enjoying the holidays and summer and company of friends right...? Anyway go forth and enjoy. Check 'em...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols." And so the Christmas Season begins...

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."



'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry
Up to the window I sprang like an elf
Tore back the shade while she played with herself
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore
That was some brothel, he said with a smile
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind
A bra without nipples, a penis extension
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split
He filled every stocking and then took his leave
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

But wait there's more! Check it...

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It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.", replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

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The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing At her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband." "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied. "Of course," the woman replied. "Then what about three more inches?" said the maid.


Well that's it, folks. Hopefully the update kept you occupied - there are over 100 new videos nested within so it'll be interesting to see what happens to my bandwidth bill.

Once again a huge thankyou to everyone who supported Orsm this year. I feel incredibly lucky to be the clown who gets to drive this thing and hope to be doing so for a while yet.

One final preachy comment - please take it easy on the roads over the break. The person you kill or maim may be someone I know.

- Check out the site archives. Sure to get you through the boring times.
- Next update will NOT be next Thursday. Probably the 6th but maybe the 13th of January.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill Santa and make it look like you did it.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, get on the chems, have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.12.16-21.19

Welcome to Orsm.net. It's beginning to feel a lot like Un-Christmas...

Interesting week. I'm bordering on exhaustion, have spent more hours on the phone than I care to remember and am really not feeling the Christmasy vibe. There's that old saying that goes something like 'anything worth having is worth working for' but an addendum to that should be 'until it isn't'.

Without going into too much detail [because you never know who is reading...] I'll paraphrase by saying arguments and petty bullshit have seemingly ruined yet another Christmas season. All the insanity has got me thinking about every other Christmas for my entire life and oddly there aren't that many happy memories. I'm certainly not saying I was abused or they were all a total shambles but instead of joy and excitement all I can recall is conflict... this of course in stark contrast to the majority of my friends who absolutely live for this time of year. Those who don't were smart enough to book overseas holidays. Don't get me wrong - I'd love to love Christmas but there's always that underlying tension which clouds what should be a good and happy day.

Amongst several other pertinent issues, it's something that has occupied my thoughts this week and after conversations with other stakeholders the solution is actually quite simple. What we need to do is change traditions - take the decision making and control away from others and recreate things how we want them. As this year is already screwed, come Xmas 2011 we'll get out ahead and organise the who, how, when and where before any crap can taint it. If there's any objections, any pettiness, any agendas, any irrational behaviour, please don't come. Fixed.

Moving on. This is without a doubt one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen... embarrassing for all Aussies that is. It mystifies me how anyone -especially someone of her age- can be so weak-minded as to idolise and worship so deeply another human being. Unfortunately though it's just another sycophantic example of the attention Oprah has received whilst in Australia for the last week. Live coverage of her plane landing to where she is going to what she's eating to a million other useless details, have made the news every daily. Obviously the benefits of promoting Australia to the world are immeasurable but let's face facts - Oprah is a talk show host. I'm sure she's just lovely in person but she takes a shit every morning like the rest of us do. She hasn't cured cancer and can't walk on water and so everyone just chill the fuck out.

Onto other events that shaped my week... and why not - after all sharing is caring. Last Thursday I dumped a whole bunch of algae remover into the outdoor fishpond. Friday I noticed something the fish weren't moving around too much. Went out to check again later and found a dead one and ten minutes later another. I'd obviously screwed the water so filled up a tub and transferred the remaining ones whilst draining the pond. A further three died leaving seven.

I woke up early the next morning and, on my way out the door to do some exercise, went to check on the fish. What the!? Where'd they all go? One left in the tub - the other six scattered around the place. Completely forgot that birds [probably crows or kookaburras] attack them. As I walked around collecting the dead ones I noticed my favourite fish -also the biggest and oldest- gasp. Surprising because he was dried out and had obviously been out of the water for some time. Quickly picked him up and put back in the water and used my hand to swim the poor little dude around. Every time he began to roll over I would do the same. This went on for hours whilst I finished draining, cleaning and high pressure hosing the pond as well as doing various around the house stuff. Amazingly he and the other one survived. Honestly had no idea fish were so resilient. The other good news is that Comets are $2 each and easy to come by so by Sunday, despite the genocide, everything was back to normal.

The weather was hot and awesome Sunday so after walking around the lake, hitting hardware and pet stores, a cruise was in order. Collected friends and made a beeline south towards Fremantle and in particular the Little Creatures Brewery for beer and frites. All this of course followed by a Baskin Robbins stop on the way home. If there's a better way to spend a Sunday I'm yet to try it.

Okay time to halt this babble and get cracking with a brand new update. A fairly large chunk of my life went into sticking this bad boy together so hopefully what you guys will find below ticks all the right boxes. Oh and before I forget - the bandwidth to the video server just got a major upgrade so congestion problems should now be sorted. Please email me if you experience problems. Alright let's do this. Check it...

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Lost Ur Marbles - iPad Revolution - Psycho With A Gun - Those Boobs! - Horny Teens - Perfect Butt - Teen Fingering

Lohan Erotic - Cheeky Bird - Amazon's Secrets - Robocop Redux - Miley Stoned - Freaky Dykes - Feeling Aroused

Uber Awesome - Fantasy Girls - Great Prank - GF Gift Ideas - Cher's Nips - Electric Fail - Errr WTF? - Ke$ha Porn

My Gran just walked in on me while I was having a wank. She was so surprised she had a stroke. I couldn't believe how soft her hands were!
My uncle Eric was a shit ventriloquist. He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. Thank you.
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors described his condition as stable.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Fred. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fukin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Cunt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the phone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're a Cunt!"

Then one day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial by this stage,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 221 William Street. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two Cunts to call. Then one day I came up with an idea.

I called Cunt #1. "Hello?" "You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 221 William Street, a terraced house. There's a gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.

Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, Cunt," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 221 William Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the hood war going down on William Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to William Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".


Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows Vista among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before - I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialised in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place... with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?" "That was the demo," replied God.

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Les give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??" Naturally Alan didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts...


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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

BIG mail bag this week and for that matter probably the last one for 2010. The idea is to make an early start on holidays next week and one of the best ways to do that is by minimising hours spent in front of the computer. That said - please feel free to bombard the living crap out of me with your submissions. Will do my very best to post them come the new year. Anyway let's get on with it...

david wrote:
This needs to passed around to every human being who has the keys to a vehicle and the capability of driving while under the influence with impaired judgement and the possibility of causing a life changing incident to happen to everyone he or she comes in contact with while in this condition. This is perhaps one of the most intense commercials that I've ever seen and damn well made. I hope that by passing this along to others, that it will make a difference and if just one life is saved, it will all be worth the effort to simply hit "send" and maybe save a life today or tomorrow or in the future. I think that Australia should be complemented on having the guts to "tell it like it is" and get this campaign out to all of it's licensed drivers and to air it on TV...it is very moving and very life like so it has a very strong impact this holiday season.

Couldn't agree more. Take it easy on the roads people. -Orsm

Jay wrote:
Subject: The reliability of Snopes
Hey Orsm. I've been following your site for the last ten years. Recommended it to hundreds, shared jokes, pics and videos. I've submitted several things through the years as well. I love all of it except... People that seem so damn obstinate that Snopes is the most reliable thing since the rise and fall of the sun. Read here and pass it along will ya?

Mike wrote:
Subject: Burqa Bungle
Priceless, without the video the announcer was correct... the officer's career would have essentially come to an end over a false complaint. This is a perfect of example of folks using our political correctness to suit their needs or wants but in this case it didn?t work. Watch the video and see the web of lies.

Suck shit... and not because she's Muslim but because she's a cunt of the worst kind. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: contribution
Hi Mr. Orsm, Long time bla bla bla
I shot this vid on Fall Mountain in southern NH while electrical workers were stringing new conductors along high-tension towers. This guy had just been on the ground speaking with me when he said, "gotta go". I expected to see him hike down the trail but instead he climbed the tower, switched off the generator running their radio repeater and said, "if you hang around for another couple minutes, you'll get a shot of me climbing onto a helicopter. My immediate response was, "you gotta be shittin' me". When he replied 'yep', I honestly didn't know what to think... and then the helicopter arrived. The three blackouts during the vid are when I clicked the shutter on my camera.

Stuart wrote:
Subject: London Student protests
Just watching the news. Those riots in town. the students. The ones who want me to pay for their 3 years of alcohol and dope-smoking haze whilst they come out with a 2-1 in media studies from Loughborough and then mope around at 23 years of age complaining that there are no civil service gravy train jobs spare any more. The fact they don't have to repay the cash for their uni courses until they earn £21k a year seems to have escaped their argument. As does the fact that those who are poor will not have to pay at all.

I have a great idea. The police could contact all known London hooligans from the late 70s and 80s. The guys will all be 45-55 now, and probably looking for something that can rekindle the memories of those eventful times. The police could ask them all if they want some part time work helping them with these riots. We could see the old Chelsea, West Ham and Sp*rs firms unite to help the old bill down Whitehall and at Parliament square to keep these low-life anarchists in order. Great idea. It would be like a great old boys reunion for the firms, but previous rivalry and tensions ignored now and any anger could be vented towards the 'student protesters' wearing balaclavas who choose to commit GBH, ABH and criminal damage in the name of a 'peaceful protest'. It'd be a great day out for those looking for some nostalgia.

Victor wrote:
Subject: (Another Day at American Airlines) I think you missed something
OK I'm checking your site like I do every week and I saw this on one of the post I was expecting this to be pointed out so just in case people missed it here it is.

Got quite a few emails about this but it was deliberate. In the accompanying text: "Well I suppose the safety checks must look for any sign of cracks and a photographer managed to find one!!" -Orsm

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Mike wrote:
Subject: Taser Depoyed by New York State Police. Sweet Justice...
The guy in the photo was the subject of a manhunt after he brutally raped a woman in Tompkins County. A car chase ensued and he fled on foot. He was eventually found hiding, and brandished a utility knife asking the troopers "who wanted to get it first." That was the last thing he said before being shot with a taser... Look closely and you can see the one probe stuck in his left eye... Ouch...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Loose night
Aftermath of a loose night in Sydney! Please withhold info.

Thanks for the invite... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Julia's article
G'day Bloke, Sitting at Worsley Alumina reading the West Australian, and in particular the Letters to the Editor when I spied this little doozie. As per usual please don't publish details. keep up the great work...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
I thought this was supposed to be a secret... Love the site. Hide details, please.
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Jackie wrote:
Sunject: Facebook
This is my step brothers facebook status. He decided he was going to be a jerk to his mom and be totally disrespectful. I just thought I would share this with you. You might be able to add it somewhere on the site, if no where else.. random shit! Hope you like it.
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David wrote:
Subject: Ignorant Parents Soooo True
The best poster I have seen in ages..
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: i love ur site... please hide my details
u guys rock!! looks like a seagul miscarried while in mid-flight

Don't seagulls lay eggs...? -Orsm

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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Ryanair
Raynair's O'Leary speak out. Again.

Can't argue his logic. -Orsm

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Foreclosure
Sign of economic times....
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Rocco wrote:
Subject: Entertainment
Entertaing for whom?

Muslims extremists. -Orsm

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A. Citizen wrote:
Subject: Surfing in Saskatchewan
When you live thousands of kilometres from an ocean you have to improvise.
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joe wrote:
Subject: Since getting KOed, Anthony has been trying other sports.
how quick THE MAN is at looking at he's options in other type of sports

Got this email plenty of times. Good to see the dislike for Anthony Mundine extends well beyond this side of the country. -Orsm

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: One of those defining times in life
Four young Sitka black-tailed bucks fell upon good luck Sunday as they were pulled from the icy waters of Stephens Passage, Alaska by a group of locals on Tom Satre's 62-foot charter vessel. Four juvenile Sitka black-tailed deer swam directly toward the boat...

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Seth wrote:
Subject: pics
I've been a regular visitor of your website for a long ass time. thought I contribute as well. here are some pics of this attention seeking whore I was messing with. I don't think even she'd mind her pics all over the net. enjoy!
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Australian Rural Weather Pictures
More pics of our wonderful farming conditions this season.

Talk about your contrasts. -Orsm

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Jay wrote:
Subject: Winter in Russia
We know its coming! So maybe a look at some people who get it worse than we do might help! And we complain about the cold weather. I told you to put the windows up last night! Is this guy a leftist?
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steven wrote:
The difference between Ferrari and Kia
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Tom wrote:
Subject: The view
The Alberta prairies in snowy Canada. What a view... and really cold.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Padaria
Padaria Biru
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf gets herself off
enjoy. no details please

I'm gushing too. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: webcam stripp
Hi Mr. ORSM im a long time fan blah blah blah...... this video is from a girl i know whom emailed me this with the promise it would not get out lol.... anyway enjoy and salud!!!!!!!! Please hide my contact info thanks

Thank you from all of us good sir. -Orsm

click to open PDF

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.


This ought to make you feel better [or worse?] about your computer skills...

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal. Don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates...

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah that one DOES work.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer...
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Bob.

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Another fifty of the the randomest pictures for your enjoyment. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!"

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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some asshole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"


And that's the end of that. It was a mission getting this update together so if you've made it this far down the page hopefully the effort was all worth it. And now to answer any questions you may have...

- Check out the site archives. They'll get you through the lonely times.
- Next update will be next WEDNESDAY or THURSDAY [TBD] and the LAST ONE for 2010. Make sure you tune in for the much anticipated Christmas special.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will load you, your family and your friends onto a rickety old boat and crash you into rocks on Christmas Island.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and bring on the U2 concert this weekend! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.12.09-20.33

Welcome to Orsm.net. Did you hear Jesus has come to Australia? She's black and has her own talk show...

This year is winding down at a rapid pace. I use the term 'winding down' loosely too - there hasn't been, nor is there approaching, a spare moment. Thankfully though there are but two updates standing between me and a period of relaxation and wanton alcoholism. Was thinking about making next week the last update for 2010 but that just wouldn't feel right and of course open me up to a swathe of "Where's the fucking update you lazy fuck?" emails.

My feel good story of the week is a severe and justified beating. Monday night a man and woman held up a liquor store by threatening the attendant with a weapon allegedly hidden under a jacket. The attendant mustn't have believed they were armed because the couple only managed to get away with $7. The perp's fled on foot and some point not long after happened across a baby strapped into the back of a car. The mum had quickly ducked back into the house to grab something. The bandit woman, realising she needed a baby, nabbed it. It was right about then the mother re-emerged, saw what was happening and started screaming which alerted the other occupants who came out to assist. It was also right about then that a baseball bat made an appearance and some tough love was dealt to the would-be baby snatcher. Mum rescued back her bub and the woman was dragged across the street for a further beating. Her partner, man of integrity, was nowhere to be seen leaving her to fend for herself and eventually end up hospitalised with severe injuries.

What I love most about this is not only did the woman have it coming, it was her victims who got to dish out the punishment. They decided what was appropriate and set about delivering with extreme prejudice, without taking a chance on a drawn out trial and light sentence. I'm guessing she'll think twice next time she gets the idea to make the world a less safe place, in turn making it a safer one. Oh and before anyone accuses me of advocating violence - you can't deny that without a good beating some people just never learn.

Let's skip along now to life closer to home. Namely mine. It's no secret that the majority of visitors to Orsm come here solely to read about my exploits. Vicariously and all that. What this does to my ego probably makes me unbearable in real life but fuck it because I don't need anyone anyway...

Last Friday night was the annual Osborne Park Show. Basically just a community fair with stalls selling food and various crap, a sideshow alley, countless tweens dressed like Miley and whatever else. Despite my best efforts it's become a tradition I get roped into it every year. They do at least have coin push machines and the best fireworks show going which makes it all okay.

Saturday was hard labour. 8am start to shovel 2m3 of garden mulch around the place. If it was just that it probably would've been okay but the whole point of mulching is to prevent weeds so of course the first thing required was to actually remove them... and prune all the various plants... and fertilise and spray weedkiller everywhere. Long story short - it was an over 9 hour epic which left me tired and sunburnt beyond belief. There was however a strong sense of accomplishment and will hopefully keep me out of the garden for a month or two.

Woke up sorer than any time in living memory Sunday. Muscles and skin inflamed, it took me an hour to slide out of bed. With absolutely no chance of anything resembling exercise happening I got busy cleaning the car. Following that I was talked into hitting the shops with a friend - Sunday shopping in December an opportunity not to be missed [apparently]. Afterwards it was home to begin work recovering the data from my failed PC. Took a few hours and some improvising but thankfully managed to get everything back. Any doubts in regards to my mad skillz can now be put to rest. The remainder of Sunday was whittled away with a quick cruise and -tired of constant reminders that I never visit- some family quality time. All up a pretty decent and productive weekend.

Alright time to get cracking with the new update. A unreasonable chunk of my life went into sticking this puppy together so if you don't like it then feel free to email me the address of your blog so I can critique it. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Santa Blob - Thong Heaven - Die Rudolph - Xmas Fuck You - Perfect 10 - Sexy & Funny - Blowjob Champ

Corporate Fun - Asshole Move - Strongest Beers - Wrong Way! - Lohan Nude - Touch My Boobs - Breast Milk

Bloodthirsty Babes - Dayum Girl! - Great Cans - Crazy Cleav - Whale Porn - Sage Advice - Can't Fly - She's Serious

BONUS COOL SHIT: 40 Second Test #1 - 40 Second Test #2 - 40 Second Test #3

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do... then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.
Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.
I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky or what!?
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?" "Oh, nothing fancy like," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex.   She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.


The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't!" his manager said, "You're not retiring!"

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?" the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "the bastard deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people all along", he said "I'm just a bad conductor!"

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John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean-up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd seriously hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. If so I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird gave a small pause and said "May I ask, what did the turkey do?"


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes", answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk...?"

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One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby volunteer Fire Department from a few towns over, composed mainly of over 65's. To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these old boys, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed.

Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the fire chief, "the first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!!"

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Aaaand we're back. Tonnes of awesome submissions to draw from this week... or should I say from the past two weeks... but let's not all be little bitches and dwell on the absence of mail LAST week. Instead you should surf through comfortable in the knowledge that I was up to 2am last night sorting through it all.

Submissions... there wouldn't be a Reader mail section without you guys filling my inbox like a whores vagina so please get busy and send send send. Anything posted will be seen by literally tens, if not dozens, of people. So what do we want? Pretty much everything is what. Jokes, funny pics, messed up videos, ex-girlfriend porn or pretty much anything you can adhere to an email and shoot down the internets. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Russ wrote:
Subject: Commented on Mosquitoes and Listerine
Thanks for running the story re: Mosquitoes and Listerine. Have you actually tested the Listerine? I like to refer to Snopes.com before I send anything on.

Maybe I should have checked that too before bringing it up at a social gathering recently... wonder how many of my friends are spraying Listerine around their homes now... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Honeymooner Playing Stink-Finger in Singapore
Hi, On a recent trip to Singapore, I couldn't resist getting a shot of this honeymooner playing stink-finger with his newly betrothed. Isn't love grand? Please hide my shit.

But honey, my fingers are cold! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contractors....
Hey Orsm, a buddy sent me this pic. Its taken from a site project office somewhere around Vancouver, written by the project manager to the contractors....
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Finally
I walked into a shop here in Brisbane and the sole 40 ish assistants phone went off with a great message tone. I asked her to bluetooth it to me. She complied. I then asked if there was anything else that she had that I would like that she could send me. This is the result. Its her because the fingernails match.
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Wow!
Funny... translated from French: "You'd have to say it's by sms" Proximus, from what I can gather, is a cell phone provider in europe.

I did actually fact check this one and it is not real but who am I to pass up posting a facial shot? -Orsm

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John wrote:
Subject: The Shocker..via telephone
Hello, I'm a long time reader and occasional contributor - your site rocks! I live in the southeastern USA and saw this Yellow Pages ad on the side of a local telephone company repair van. I'm thinking that their marketing department has never heard of the "Shocker". As a friend commented, to the tune of the Yellow Pages jingle - "Let your fingers do the shocking!". Hide my email addy please.
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David wrote:
Subject: Greetings Mr. Awesome!
Saw this on Craig's List and nearly shit myself. Thought you'd get a kick out of it too. David from Forest Hills, NY
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Ebay item for sale..
Hi Orsm. Was checking out ebay when I found this. Please read the last line under notes.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: potato bear
hey Mr.Orsm, been hitting your site since it began.here is a small potato that we pulled out of our garden that looks like a teddy bear.should we eat it or do you think it'll make us rich if we sell it? please don't show e-mail adress ,blah blah,blah.....
Steven wrote:
Subject: A380 Engine Reliability
Good to see the A380 engine reliability problem has been overcome (proof attached)
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Shorts
Dear Orsm, A mate posted this picture of himself on Facebook. Just wow ... Cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: RS offering.
Hello again Big O. The above was posted on a friend's FB account, All I can say is, "Only in California" Have Happy Holidays Brotha.. and Stash the Deets.

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Andries wrote:
Subject: Accident in Natal, South Africa
These are some pictures of an accident on St Johns Bridge, Pinetow n Durban, South Africa on Thursday. The ambulance driver wouldn't let the female paramedic out of the ambulance because she couldn't stop laughing - he said it wasn't professional. The blue car had the 25lt bucket of paint on the back seat.

Up there with my favourite emails all year. -Orsm

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Tomas wrote:
Subject: F-111 Pigs Tales - Photos
End of the line for the F-111 at Amberley Air Base near Brisbane

Amazing they could still fly. Didn't Australia get these during WWI? -Orsm

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mike wrote:
Subject: ohh crapadore
needs a bit more than quick polish for this one. Was a nice SS V not any more.

I dunno... there are some good car detailers around. -Orsm

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just because wrote:
Subject: MILF
MILF I met in Ritzville, WA... I regret not fucking her!

Looks kind of crazy therefore yes - an oppurtunity missed. -Orsm

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Dale wrote:
Subject: Another Day at American Airlines.
Another Day at American Airlines!! The tug driver never gave the command to release the brakes. He just started towing. The book says, if you do this, the front wheel could be separated from the aircraft. Guess what... they were dead right - it did!! The aircraft... remember... the aircraft !!!! Well I suppose the safety checks must look for any sign of cracks and a photographer managed to find one!!
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bill wrote:
Not only is this a true engineering project feat, but will give you better perspective of the pitch of the track itself.
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Jay wrote:
Subject: A Dinner Date
These pictures were taken by a fellow from Grande Cache, Alberta, 1.5 hours south of Grande Prairie, on Saturday by the Berland river on Highway 40 Take a look at the time frame in the bottom right corner of each picture. It took Mr. Bear ten minutes from the time he picked up Ms. Bear, fed her a terrific meal, got laid, then it was time to go. This guy is good!

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Sinking Yacht
French artist Julien Berthier has designed a fully functional boat to look as if it is sinking. The 6.5m (21ft) yacht was cut in half with a new keel and motor added so it remains in the sinking position while being fully functional. He describes it as "the permanent and mobile image of a wrecked ship that has become a functional and safe leisure object."

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Washington wind storm
On Thursday October 18th Western Washington was hit with a 50+ MPH wind storm. These Issaquah 130 Class ferries are over 300 feet long and 78 feet wide and weight in at 2477 tons (4,954,000 lbs) unloaded. During storms like this the crew plots a course which puts the ferry in the least vulnerable position, but at some point they have to change course, and when they did Puget Sound made up for lost time. After this run the ferry system stopped running at full capacity and ran 1/2 empty for the rest of the night. Note that there are no longer cars visible in the last shot. I'm sure they were washed into the cars behind them. Each shot was taken 0.3 seconds apart hand held at 320mm's.

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OneMan wrote:
Subject: How many parts make up a zx-14
This is a Kawasaki ZX-14 after hitting a Truck (Rider survived). It looks like a bomb went off.

... survived although no longer has use of arms, legs or brain. -Orsm

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Music Dude wrote:
Subject: The Other Side of Abba
Hi, your Orsmness. Regarding your comment about ABBA last week - yeah, I can grasp what you're saying. In the 70s they inundated us with that stuff until our ears bled. Well, check this out: listen closely to the trail-off at the end of their hit "Summer Night City". They repeat the refrain 3 times, and when the third rep starts, the engineer has already started to pot down the level so you can't hear what they're singing unless you turn your volume WAY UP. I recorded the last few seconds and turned the record level way up so you can easily hear the lyric. Listen closely to the words "Walkin' in the moonlight, lovemaking in a park"; the word "walkin'" changes each time - the last time they sing it, they lay down an F-Bomb.

click to open PDF


A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mum to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so!" "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Pretty good. Prettaaaay... prettaaaay... pretty good. Check it...

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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear granddaughter, the other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon. Love, Grandma.

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The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed "to exercise the Papal wrist", and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my big lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Euros..."

"TWO MILLION EUROS!" she exclaims. "They must have seen you coming!"


And we are fucking done and I am fucking out of here. Please read the following before you depart... it'll save us both the time and frustration...

- Check out the site archives. They are so fat they're considered high risk for diabetes and stroke.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Just because.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will release the cables where you called your mum a 'cunt' on Wikileaks.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and out of the friend zone. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.12.02-21.08

Welcome to Orsm.net.

It just hasn't been my week for computers. Plagued by continual problems, breakdowns and annoyances that have left me wondering why I even bother. Friday through Monday were whittled away trying to remove spyware, update and attack-proof three laptops. That afternoon, just when I thought the worst was over, I opened a support ticket for one of the site servers. Basically 'can you do a health check please?'. They did the check, updated some stuff and replied saying all was well in the world. It was about then you guys may have noticed the site disappear for a few hours - I panicked thinking the downtime was related to another server entirely and set about trying to fix which in turn made matters worse. I so saw this coming too. Was planning ways to prevent that exact problem several weeks ago and just haven't had a chance to revisit it.

This brings me to why. Have been getting emails from you guys recently about videos being slow. Not really surprising considering how hard the video server gets smashed but long story short, there'll be a bandwidth upgrade very soon.

The next major fuckup was last night. I run two desktop computers to do various tasks. Sitting here working away there was a pop followed by a black screen and electrical burning smell. My second machine, which is just my old PC, died without warning. Lost fucking hours trying to get it running and my files back but at this stage it aint happening. It's also why Reader Mail gets the chop this week...

Moving on. Was another absolutely massive yet hit and miss weekend so let's begin coverage starting with Friday night. With an impending exodus of various friends for the Christmas break it was somehow decided there should be a Christmas get together at a Greek restaurant. I'd been there a few years ago and was definitely in no rush to go back. Admittedly the food was great but everything else was complete shite. Honestly how many times can you play the same ABBA song in twenty minutes? The money-money-money answer it seems is three. I fucking hate ABBA more than any other band in the history of the world and adding insult to injury they crank the volume up to injurious levels. Not to mention the constant piercing feedback and restaurant owners thick Greek accent booming down the microphone encouraging patrons to get up and Zorba. Sigh.

I slept a solid eight hours that night which was handy because Saturday was taxing. After getting back from a morning stroll around the mean streets I sat down to fix the aforementioned laptops which had been unceremoniously dumped on me by various friends and family. For the most part I'm happy to fix computers for those less able but the fact it cost my entire day was at the extreme end of frustrating.

My escape came late afternoon. I'd been mercilessly harassed for the last few weeks to come to the John Farnham concert. John 'The Voice' Farnham if you don't know is an Aussie singer who has been around since the late 1960's. Whilst never particularly big overseas, quite a few of his songs were huge here in their time. Anyway there was some trepidation on my part about attending. It was an outdoor thing but undoubtedly going to be older-skewing. Seriously we were just about the youngest there. Anyway we arrive around 5pm and look for parking... ended up being a good 15-20 minute walk from the venue in almost stifling heat. We found somewhere shady to sit and pretty soon bump into some other friends who had a spare VIP ticket. AKA supplied food and booze and the second time in two weeks I've scored free tickets to something. Cool beans.

The main event was preceded by Ross Wilson [?] and Richard Clapton [?] who were decent but as much as I may cop shit for this - Johnny was well worth the wait... even when you take into account his 'dad trying to be cool and funny' attempts at humour between songs. My only real complaint was the finale. After saving You're The Voice for last, bagpipe players et al, the band came back on stage for an encore in the form of AC/DC's Long Way To The Top. Lame as fuck. Cue toilet and cigarette break.

Sunday was fully booked and with pressure being applied from all directions for the speedy return of computers that's how the day began. A while later I sent the first text message saying to come pick one of them up. The reply was "Did you install the music programs?". Answer: "I haven't had time". The follow-up was a particularly ungrateful "Don't worry I will just take it in somewhere". The best retaliation I could offer was passive aggressive. How do you annoy someone who has zero computer skills and probably doesn't know how to change the desktop background? Like this.

Managed to find an hour in there to wash the car - the abysmal concert parking had left my poor car dirty and dusty. Call it obsessive compulsive, waste of time or whatever, I just can't bring myself to go out on in public that way. It was quickly into the shower following that and straight out the door to a friend's place for another Christmas inspired get together. The idea was for a casual outdoor BBQ but it was a ridiculously hot day and it confined everyone to the comfort of air-conditioning. Not such a bad way to spend an afternoon. Ah summer...

Okay that went a bit longer than I expected so let's cut the shit and get on with the good stuff. Check it...

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My new black neighbour came up to me and said "I'm sick of all the sly racist remarks you keep slipping in every time we talk". I said "Now hang on just a cotton picking minute..."
My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back. What does she expect? She's in a fucking wheelchair!
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy, "You must have a vase somewhere!"


Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

-Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
-Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
-It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
-If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
-Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

-When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
-If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

-A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
-Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

-While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
-Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
-Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
-Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

-Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
-Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

-Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
-For the groom, at least rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
-Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

-Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
-When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
-Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
-When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Mel. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bonnie.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bonnie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bonnie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Mel.

NOTE: Mel died suddenly yesterday of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Bonnie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mel, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig that is sporting three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Unable to contain his curiosity he asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?" The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal." The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal and allowed him to eat with us here in the house."

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal. He asks "What about the wooden leg?" The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, a pig like that you don't eat all at once!"

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A guy driving a Mini pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? "I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Mini!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Mini!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Mini!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So Rolls owner begins searching for the Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that??"

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Due to the untimely death of my PC, Reader Mail gets the dick this week. Some things are just beyond my control but I'll try and make up for it by posting a whole bunch of new videos. Enjoy.

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year. That's almost once a week."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one!!"

I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


"That's nice" she thinks, "but I want more".

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


"Wow," she thinks but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Please Note: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like, nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the reservation, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold".

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter".

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever". "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. The weatherman replied, "Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign".

Nothing but the best... although that is entirely subjective. Check it...

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns, oysters and BBQ.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!

Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche? A Rolex? Some stock options?" Again Geoffrey said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?" Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the cunt that pushed me in the pool.

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A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card had one word written on it: 'Nescafe'.

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding. The card read: 'Rothmans'.

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'.

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'


And that my friends is that. Please read the following:

- Check out the site archives. It's what the cool kids are doing.
- Next update will be the same time next week. That'd be Thursday if you weren't paying attention... were you?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you an Eskimo kiss with his dick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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