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December 2017...
orsmupdate 2017.12.21-20.08
ORSM CHRISTMAS

Welcome to greed-shaming.

There are over 30 Easter Eggs in this update. How many can you find?

For someone who once loved Christmas, slowly grew to hate everything about it, and has more recently come to like it again, in spite of this, I've always tried hard to do Orsm Christmas updates right. Or in this year's case, OVERdo them right. Given this is the last update for 2017 I went all out and made it as big as possible so you guys have plenty to keep you occupied until we resume in the New Year.

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER - INSTAGRAM

I always like to take the opportunity to run through stats come December and see what's what; see what you guys got the biggest kicks out of. Some people do this religiously but not really my thing... or at least not as much as it used to be. There's always some surprises and if I were smarter, I'd probably play more to what brings in mad pageviews. For the most part Orsm has always been about what *I* found interesting. Wouldn't do it otherwise. Let's take a look shall we?

Let's start with the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. These generally start with 'amateur' in the title. Can't quite remember when, but this was enough to trigger some guy who went on a commenting spree and correctly noted/complained that certain clips weren't actually amateur porn. True... but it's my fucking site and I find putting 'amateur' in the title a pretty convenient way to let everyone know the clip is porn... also, most importantly, that's how it's always been done. Capisci? Before we start, honourable mention for this clip. Absolutely no idea why but it was the fourth most viewed clip on Orsm this year. Alright here goes...

The Kind Of Pussy You Have To Immediately Fuck
Films Herself Sucking Cock Under The Covers
Curvaceous Babe Makes A Wild Selfie Vid
Alt Redhead Hottie Fucked In Numerous Positions And Facial Ending
Its A Pleasure To Watch Her Get Fucked From This POV

Next up is the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED SEXY/NSFW VIDS category. The last of which is my fave because fucking look at her!! Grab some tissues and tell your penis to get ready for another beating...

Model Katherine Martinez Forced To Strip For Cops Whilst Handcuffed
Bad Pussy
Unveils Her Insanely Excellent Boobs For Tanning
Drunk Club Slut Flashes Her Pussy
Maybe The Most Amazing Pool Body Ever Ever Ever

A considerable amount of time goes into posting clips each week and obviously it's not all porn. There's typically 70-80 new vids in each update and the majority aren't porn at all. So this brings us to the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED GENERAL/NON-PORN VIDEOS category. Here goes...

Craaazy Couple Messing About High Above Dubai
Club Skank Pees In A Glass And Gets It Back
Two Girls Get Destroyed On The Waterslide
Guy Is Not Happy His GF Came Home So Drunk
Sheep Get Loose On The Freeway And Cunts Die

Whilst poring over the stats I scrolled all the way to the bottom and looked at what didn't do well. Here's the TOP 5 LEAST VIEWED VIDEOS for 2017. I don't think they are that bad! Ironically too, bringing attention to them will likely lift them from bottom place. This must be why they say all results are final. Take a squiz...

Ginger Stores Spiders In His Mouth
Did He Just Eat A Live Chicken Heart?
Dog Is A Talented Tattooist
Soccer Fans Attack The Ref After Awarding A Penalty
In Some Countries Its Normal To Feed Worms To Kids

There's typically 5 or 6 galleries in each update and it's impossible to tell which will be the most popular. There's definitely some effort in putting together fapworthy images which you guys will hopefully love. Sometimes I'll include something a bit odd and sure enough, that came in second most smashed gallery for the year. Each to his own. So... here are the TOP 5 IMAGE GALLERIES. Enjoy...

SLEEPING 08
THIS IS THE PITS
SEXY SNAPCHATS 05
REAL WIVES 02
SEE THRU 06

It's anyone's guess what will titillate most with Random Shite. If for some reason you haven't figured it out - it's random. There could be anything in there. Could be something funny or sad or sexy or stupid or stuff you may not understand. RS isn't trying to make a point nor is there a deliberate theme... it's just 50 random images and the TOP 5 MOST POPULAR RANDOM SHITE'S were...

RANDOM SHITE 2017 11 02
RANDOM SHITE 2017 10 19
RANDOM SHIT 2017 03 09
RANDOM SHITE 2016 05 18
RANDOM SHITE 2017 08 31

Managed to crank out 50 updates this year [including this one]. Only missed updating one week in May to have some time off following arrival of child #2. The most viewed update was the Orsm birthday update in September.

Alright that'll do with the stats. We should definitely get on with the brand new final update for the year. It is a bloody monster. Have been slowly working on it for weeks and then non-stop since last week. If you don't like it, aren't entertained, impressed or any other adjectives, then I would suggest you have deep emotional problems and are a bad person who should seek help. Just jokes. Merry fucking Christmas. Check it...

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LOL WOT?!Around The 1:50 Mark She Denies A Handful Of The Colonel's Secret Recipe. Uh Uh. If That's Her Idea Of Cutting Back On Carbs, I'd Love To Know How She Celebrates Thanksgiving... - Humanity FailInhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - Horny Huh?The Things Ya See At A 7/11 In Arkansas! - Mastur-SessionWhat A Fucking Solo Show This Chick Puts On... - Crazy PussyNever Stick Your Dick In Crazy - Sexy BitchAlex McGregor - Topless South African Model And Sexy Bitch - Oh Look At Me!Katie Salmon Topless On A Paddleboard - Sexy TanlinesBusty Babe Ali Rose Getting Naked To Read The Morning Paper!! Wait... What? Yeah, I Know... That Doesn’t Really Make Any Sense But I’m Not Complaining. -

Punch FuckingDamn, This Wife Likes It Nice And Brutal - All OverParaglider Falls To His Death - Sex Kitten"Are You Sure We're Allowed To Be Doing This On The Internet?" - Girl On GirlThe Hottest Girl On Girl Action You'll See Today - HeadcaseSomebodies Emo Sister Is Really Into Anal! - AshamedDelivery Boy Is Ashamed Of His Boner - Busted!Couple So Horny They Pulled Their Motorbike Over For A Quick Fuck. No Way They Were Going To Care About An Audience! - Pix DumpFunny Pictures DCLXXXIX From Phun - Rihanna NipsRihanna Has Nipples... Fascinating. The Titties Get Bigger And That’s A Good Thing... You Know To Offset The Thick Thighs... - No ChanceThe Accident Occurred During The Height Of The Tower Crane To Throw Workers On The 18th Floor Of 20-Storey. South Korea

She FineGenevieve Morton Is A South African Model. She Made Her Debut In The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue And Was Voted The Sexiest Woman In The World In 2012 By FHM. - Bad BoyfriendsA Brand New Compilation Of Asshole Boyfriends Utilizing Their Volunteer Cumdumpsters As Physical, Emotional And Sexual Punching Bags. - F-ing IdiotAnother Girl Instantly Regrets Tattooing Her Eyeballs - Model TitsSveta Utkina - Titty Model - School SlutBusty Asian School Girl Jade Kush Has Been Sent To The Principal’s Office For Being A Very Naughty Girl!!! She Must Be Punished!! - Decent RackNicky Whelan Breasts In See Through Blouse - Crowd SexedI Think It's Safe To Say This Bachelorette Party Got Wayyyy Out Of Control! - Outdoor AnalHot Amateur Nicole Outdoor First Time Anal While Filming... Except I Think None Of Those Things Are True And This Is A Girl Who Knows Her Craft Like A Boss! - Lesbian OrgyLesbian Orgy With Lux, Celeste, Mia And Angie

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year's resolution is and she said "Fuck you". So, I'm pretty excited about 2018.
--
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing Day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer "Where have you been all season?" "Don't ask" he said "the wife bought the season ticket last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present".
--
My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa. So I told him "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa... he fucking hates Muslims".
--
My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something surprising and sexy. Turned out she didn't mean rape.
--
It has been reported that due to the negative impact the slow recovery has had on economies all over the world, this Christmas, Santa Claus will have only two "Ho's" not three as is the custom. Additionally, it was reported, that if the recovery continues at its current slow rate, in 2018 Santa might have to do with only one, Ho.
--
I asked the wife what she wants for Christmas this year "Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely" she replied. Kinder egg it is then.

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS...

Christmas brings out the worst in people. I don't know why. Many just can't cope and it manifests in weird ways ways that torture their loved ones. Thank god its only once a year. Reading through these you end up somewhere between holy crap that was funny and holy crap that's messed up.

-My mum got me size zero jeans. I'm a size six. When I looked at her, confused, she smugly said "Oh, I know you're not that thin, but these are something to work towards!" Also, my mother is a cunt.

-One Christmas morning we woke up and OH MY GOD a kitten was under the tree! This was the best thing we had ever seen. But the kitten took one look at us and started throwing itself around the lounge, tearing the presents to shreds. We started crying when it kept running into the windows. Our parents came down, and yelled, 'WHO LET THIS CAT INTO THE HOUSE?!' Turns out it was a wild kitten that climbed in the window in the night and got stuck inside.

-Last year, my very unreliable Tinder crush invited me to a New Year's Eve party, but, of course, accidentally gave me the wrong address, then didn't pick up his phone. Luckily, the apartment I arrived at was also having a party, and a great one at that. I stayed and ended up meeting my current boyfriend. Fate!

-Another Christmas my Mum wanted to go to a concert that was out of town. Christmas Eve, we were each handed a five dollar bill as our Christmas present. Then my parents took off to Dallas for the concert. They left my 17 year old brother to babysit 6 kids. He locked us up in the basement with no heat and took off with his friends. He came home at 2AM and told us to not tell mum and dad what he did. Next day, when my parents came home, one of my siblings ratted my brother out and we were all whipped for lying. Great memories.

-One Christmas, I somehow managed to get it together and have all my gifts wrapped and ready days in advance. I couldn't wait to head home and impress my family with my thoughtfully selected array. I was going to be a hero. But when my brother came to pick me up, I was, of course, running late. Frazzled, I threw on some clothes, loaded the bags with the gifts into my arms, and started down five flights of stairs. That's when I tripped, and the presents proceeded down two flights on their own - my heart dropped at the sound of vases breaking. And that was the year I gave my family broken glass for Christmas. But hey, since then no one gives me a hard time about assembling my gifts the night before".

-I was married to this one guy, but I was pregnant with this other guy's baby (total God but he was using me.) Anyway, me and the husband hit the road and I went into labour and I wound up giving birth in a barn... I'll never forget that Christmas. And neither will you.

-OxyContin addicted cousin cut her wrists at the dinner table with the turkey carving knife. What a mess. True story.

-One year, our family friends were over for Christmas Eve. After my sisters and I went to bed, our parents and their friends had a bit too much red wine. The husband yacked all over my older sister's Christmas gifts just after my mum put them out. They were stained red. My mum sure had fun explaining that one.

-The worst is probably the year my two brothers in law got into a fist fight and one ended up spending the night in jail. I had to call the cops and spend the evening comforting the toddlers who were old enough to know something was going on, but too young to fully understand or even express their feelings. It was a rough year.

-Imagine a Big Catholic Family: My grandparents, their six kids and their significant others, and a total of 14 grandkids. All I remember is my uncle swinging the door open, striding in wearing a shiny sequined purple shirt, holding his partner's hand, and yelling at the top of his voice "DAD, I'M GAY". Then my grandpa, standing up from his chair, walking over to the liquor cabinet, opening it, and taking out his big bottle of Crown Royal whisky and taking a swig. I love my family. :)

-The worst I can remember is when I was ten, when I wrote a letter to Santa asking him to help my mum quit smoking. My mum, of course, read the letter, and she took me aside and told me never to bring that up with her again. And that's how I found out there was no Santa.

-While we were opening presents my ex put wrapping paper on a lit candle. We all tried to put it out, but lit pieces of paper flew around the living room so he started grabbing them with his bare hands and running to the sink. The smell of burnt skin and paper filled the house most of the day.

-The first Christmas my (now ex) husband and I spent together, we decided to buy a real Christmas tree for our apartment. To cut a long story short, it transpired that the tree was covered tiny black worms that fell out all over our sitting room floor. In all my Christmases I've never seen worms on a tree like that before, it was honestly horrible and I don't really mind bugs or wormy creatures. We had to get rid of the tree ASAP, it was too stressful thinking of the worms continually dropping off the branches onto the floor.

-We came home from Christmas Eve Mass to discover that our dog had gotten into the box of stocking stuffers and eaten over a pound and a half of chocolate. We made him vomit, and then my husband and I took turns staying up with him all night to let him out every 5-30 minutes. I was seven months pregnant at the time".

Got a good one to share? Email me! I'll add it to next years list!

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 1

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS 13

Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #12 - XMAS AMATEURS #11 - XMAS AMATEURS #10 - XMAS AMATEURS #9

A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR PEOPLE HAVING A BAD DAY

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

ORSM VIDEO


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EIGHTEEN BOTTLES

I received 18 bottles of whisky last Christmas, and was told by my wife to empty them or else! I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I drew the cork of the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle, and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank.

Next I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it, then threw the rest down the glass.

Then I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle, corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again.

Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

1 am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am, and I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know which is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

I really felt terrible the next day but I thought I had better help the storm and strife making the

RANDOM SHITE #1

RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 21 #1

XMAS SHITE FROM THE ARCHIVES - 2016 #1 / #2 - 2015 #1 / #2 - 2014 #1 / #2 - 2013 #1 / #2

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ORSM VIDEO

WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS... [CONTINUED]

-2008, I came down with swine flu and had to wear a surgical mask. My deadbeat dad went to jail. And on Christmas morning I found my beloved pet parakeet dead on the bottom of his cage. My neighbours looked out their back window that day to see a sobbing 17-year-old in a pink bathrobe and SARS mask saying a funeral for a dead bird in the middle of a blizzard.

-This was actually really funny. It was from my Grandmother. I unwrapped it and it was a little tin box. I opened the box and there was a fake gift card there, like an indication of this is where you put the gift card. And I just looked at her like... what is it or what's going on? And she goes "It's a gift card holder. You can put all your gift cards in there". And I just started laughing saying "Noooo, you are supposed to put a gift card in here to give to someone!"

-The Christmas tree broke in half while I was sitting on the floor next to it. It fell on my head, an ornament broke, and it cut my head open.

-Straight A student, never got in fights, helped in the community, never talked back, helped around the house and paid for everything I owned with jobs since I was 12. Sister got a Game Gear along with games etc. as her stocking stuffer, let along her other presents. I got a piece of coal. After the laughter died down I asked if I could open my real presents to be told that WAS my present. When asked why and what I did to deserve it I was told 'you didn't do anything wrong, I thought it would be funny.'

-My grandmother has bipolar disorder and in a manic state she'll spend over 24 hours straight shopping/gambling/spending money. So one Christmas she brings us BOXES and BOXES of presents, all from a discount store in Florida. All of the girls get grandma shirts: sequined beach scenes, pastel colours. Mine had a dolphin with a wreath around its neck. My father got a statue of Santa fishing. My uncle, a very skinny guy, gets three XXXL shirts of Santa at a tiki bar. Grandma even bought herself some three-inch red and feathery heels. Oh, and she bought a new car.

-I had gotten home from college I found myself with some excess cash. I decided to invest in some new video games for myself and had them sent to my house. The strange thing was I had only received half of the games. I emailed the suppliers and told them I hadn't gotten my packages yet and was growing quite sad. Well Christmas morning came around and I was opening up my presents. I got to the one from my older brothers. I tore the paper away and open the box. Inside there were several other packages that had been mailed to our house. With my name on them. My brother had taken half of my games and hid them from me until Christmas... Worst present ever.

-Christmas 1997: I ended up in the ER after running through a glass door. The scar on my forearm burns with every Christmas song played.

-My step-father, when I was really young, got it into his head that he was supposed to replace my father. So when, at 5 years old, I refused to call him dad (because I still had a relationship with my father) he got pissed and gave up on me. His entire family treated me like shit. My younger brother, who was his kid, was thankfully spared, but I dreaded the holidays because of it. I distinctly remember watching my brother open piles of awesome presents only to receive for myself one of those cheap make-up kits from CVS/Dollar Store and a used, opened Jamaican Barbie. Her face was even scuffed. There is no better way to tell a little girl that you hate her than to give her a used Barbie. What kind of adult mistreats a child for something out of their control, I will never understand. My children will never be allowed to interact with him or his family.

-My uncle discovered a skunk in the garage one Christmas. The men came up with a genius plan to cover it with a towel so its 'stink' couldn't escape. It failed miserably. All 25 of us spent that Christmas crammed in my grandparents' back room farthest from the garage. We had towels tied over our noses eating crackers while the Christmas meal sat cold on the table because it smelled so bad.

-I could not afford to go home for Xmas living in LA. Went to a bar Xmas eve and picked up this pretty hot guy, he kept telling me he was married and never did this before but wanted to try being with a guy which I thought 'yeah right'. We get going and at some point he decides to shove a finger up my ass and just does... fucking literally rips me a new one. There I am 2000 miles from home on Xmas eve with a douche bag closet case and a badly bleeding asshole... merry fucking Xmas. I get rid of him, drive myself to the emergency room trying to think of what story I am going to say and when I get there I am so tired and over it when they asked what happened I tell them "Some straight guy's first time and he shoved his fat finger up my ass without a hint of lube". The doctor at least was cool about it; he laughed said "I honestly have never heard that one before".

-My dad's work had a Christmas party where everyone brought food, and the next day my whole family was sick. My dad vomited on the tree. Nothing says holidays like tree vomit.

-My brother asked for nothing from my parents but a single pair of socks for 4 years straight. 5th year comes around and pulls a wild "this year I want a MacBook". When my dad replied that it was too expensive my brother quickly shot back "Well I know you have the savings from only buying my socks for all those years. He was 14 then. Fucking schemer.

Sauces can be sampled here, here and here.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A DIFFERENT NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

Twas the night before Christmas, and geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post; the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel" he said with a smile"
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen; himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split".

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 2

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS 14

Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #8 - XMAS AMATEURS #7 - XMAS AMATEURS #6 - XMAS AMATEURS #5

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did".

"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did".

"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 3

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS 15

Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #4 - XMAS AMATEURS #3 - XMAS AMATEURS #2 - XMAS AMATEURS #1

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.

She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this past winter didn't help".

One of the men immediately replies "Now, there's your problem. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".

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We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, that feeling of having already experienced the situation before, but did you know there are many variants of Deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?

DEJA BOO: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before
DEJA COUP: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
DEJA CLUE: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
DEJA DO: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
DEJA EAU: The feeling I've smelled this perfume before.
DEJA FU: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.
DEJA WHO: The feeling I've known who was on first before.
DEJA JEW: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.
DEJA KNEW: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
DEJA LOO: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.
DEJA MOO: The feeling I've drank this milk before.
DEJA MU: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.
DEJA NEW: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
DEJA OOH: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.
DEJA POO: The feeling I've stepped in this before.
DEJA Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.
DEJA RUE: The feeling I've regretted this day before.
DEJA STEW: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.
DEJA TOO: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.
DEJA TWO: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.
DEJA WOO: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.
DEJA YOU: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
DEJA ZOO: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
DUH-JA-VU: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!

RANDOM SHITE #2

RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 21 #2

OLDER SHITE: 14th December - 7th December - 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - MORE >

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette". The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche". The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

:ittle Johnny stood up and said "I would want silicone". The teacher said "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 4

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS 16

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain the definition of the word 'definitely' to her class. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Another student says "Grass is definitely green". The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No... but that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion". So the student replies "Then I definitely shit my pants".

ORSM VIDEO: FACIAL EDITION

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double"? "What's that?" the guy asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.

As the guy's mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said "No, I haven't". They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink "tonight's your lucky night". They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.

When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum... you still awake?"


Well that's me done for the year. Absolutely huuuuge/monumental thank you to everyone who contributed something. Much appreciate every effort to drop me a line and only wish I were better at responding. Honestly it's not deliberate, there are just a million things going on that push checking mail down the priority list. To combat this I've set a Gmail tab to open every time I open Chrome. Hopefully that will remind me to be more attentive to emails. Otherwise you're probably better off messaging me via the Orsm Facebook page!

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're amazing. That is all you need to know.
-Next update will be next Thursday, 4th January 2018! *NO UPDATE ON 28TH DECEMBER*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat everyones Christmas lunch. That's everyone reading Orsm who don't spread the word. All of you. And he'll do it too. How can I be sure of this? Because Ray is fat. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that saying he is larger than life is actually pretty hurtful for him. At his size he isn’t here for the long haul...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Merry Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2017.12.14-20.11
Boobies

Welcome to let me tell you a coupla three things.

Feel like I've been fighting an unnecessary battles all week. You know you have that one mate who is really hard work? Its like having 50 of them. Have had a good handle on the stress because the world isn't ending after all... or maybe it is... and low serotonin levels are making me not care. Well not until today anyway. Things have escalated to infuriating today.

First and foremost is the bank. New bank at that. I understand that when you submit paperwork shit needs to be right because they're usually legal docs and that means something... legally... but seriously how insanely pedantic can you be? I'll tell you - a friend witnessed a document for me. Name and details had to be on one particular page. It was done as per instructions, sent off and they sent it back. Why? Because the same info has to be repeated 4 times. But wait - not 4 times spread across various sections in a multipage document - nope! Four fucking times on the same page all riiiight next to each other. Name/address/occupation/cock size. By now it's urgent, everyone knows this, so they send it regular slow-as-fuck snail mail back... at which point I correct it, headed immediately into the city and to whichever government authority needed to approve it... who literally rolled their eyes in disbelief I'd been sent there at all... date stamped and sent me on my way.

But wait there's more! That one particular doc needed to be accompanied by another doc. I had already scanned and sent through to them last week. Now all of a sudden they wanted the original. Okay then. But nope! Now they want me to get the same document reissued from the relevant government department. One for me AND one for the GF. The true cuntiness of this request is when I got the original one issued in August was right before some change in legislation or procedure or something that does one single thing - it quadruples the cost! So to reiterate... I paid it once, now I have to pay it again at 4 times the price and for two people. LOL.

Meanwhile anyone that can answer a question or is in some way involved in the process is 'out of the office' or in a meeting for the rest of the day'. Governmental/bank speak for "We're at one of six of our office Christmas parties". It doesn't matter anyway - I've called a few times today. Each person I have spoken to has not only given me a different answer, but a conflicting one! LOL.

The icing on the cake though is that in about a week the deadline to have it all sorted will hit. What that means is: the entire fucking process has to start from the beginning. No extensions will be granted. Its taken 9 months to get this far and I'll have to start from scratch. Unbelievable.

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Next has been travel insurance. Loooooong story short - when we were away recently a flight got cancelled which meant we 'incurred' an extra 24 hours in paradise. Damn shame but hey that's what travel insurance is for right? So I submit the claim online...

A week later they respond asking for a claim form to be filled in plus some details of the flight etc. The majority of this info they already have but seems like nothing to accomplish by pointing that out and obediently send it off to them. Sure enough, they ask for even more info so I gather and send it all off too. Well of course they are pretty fucking keen NOT to pay up and ask me to contact the airline and get a statement outlining 'the reason why flight has been cancelled'. What the fuck does it matter you might wonder? Well me too... but rather than ask a stupid question I email the airline... and wait and wait and FINALLY they send me a letter... with the wrong info... and close the case. My emails then bounce automatically.

So I DM them on Twitter and they say "Sorry. That is our official Delays/cancellation's letter. You may submit to your insurance and do let's us know if any. Cheers! :)" WHAT THE FUCK? Let you know if any what????

Throughout this saga I've tried hitting them up on live chat. On the very, very rare occasions the chat just isn't available, like at all, and I am able to connect, I'm 100 in the queue. Then if I'm really lucky, I'll get to around 50 before the chat goes offline.

Its Plank level ineptitude. How these numpty's manage to fly planes without them crashing is beyond me. Oh wait a sec... they don't...

At this point it's back to square one with the airline. I've sent a new email simplifying the issues as much as possible: "I was scheduled on this flight on this date. Why was it cancelled?"

Meanwhile I get an email from the insurance jerks saying they believe the flight delay to be just 5 hours therefore according to blah-blah-blah it's not covered. Case closed. Clearly they have not bothered to read any of the shit they asked me to submit. So I screenshot everything and put arrows and circles and highlight to *hopefully* make them understand what's happening... as if they are imbeciles. Case reopened but it sure as hell cannot move forward without this 'basic requirement'. LOL what? Nothing has ever been harder! And obviously they are not imbeciles because making the requirements next to impossible is an genius tactic that will deter people from jumping through the hurdles and avoid them paying out claims.

So what can have we learned today? Nothing! Banks, airlines and insurance companies are wankers and we already knew that! Let's do the update. Check it...

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Wowwww!!I Jacked Off To This 3 Times Now. Going For 4! - Humanity LostInhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - Country GalGet Yourself A Country Girl They Said - Fucking JapsNo Way Anyone Could Find The Shit Japan Does Erotic. NO WAY! - Lorena NakedLorena Medina, Naked. You’ve Never Heard Of Her Because Playboy’s Trying To Keep It Classy And High Brow By Using Low Level Characters - Emo CamslutHot Emo Teen Gets Off On Her Webcam - Sexy Or No?Bijou Phillips With No Bra In See Through Top - Titties FailThe Downfall Of Briana Banks’ Boobs! :-( - StrippedIt Seems Like She Was Having An Affair With The Bitch's Husband. A Little Extreme I Think...

Viola BaileyViola Bailey Is By Far Latvia's Hottest Export Of All Time. She's Gorgeous, That This Girl Next Door Look... But On The Other Hand She's Naughty As Fuck And Got An Amazing Set Of Boobs. - Miserable[eFukt Classic] Pretty Sure I Once Saw This Chick In A Humanitarian Commercial For Yugo Orphans. It's Hard To Forget A Facial Expression Like That... Especially After Fappin To It For 3 Consecutive Months. LOL. - Up Her ButtHer First Time May Be The Last Time - It's Too Big!It's Too Big For Her Ass Dude!!! - CowabungaAnnnnd, There Goes My Childhood - Eye RapeableLily Moulton Is Cindy Crawford’s Son’s Girlfriend And This Is Her Vagina - GoT PornstarGame Of Thrones Star Sibel Kekilli Best Porn Cumshot Scenes Before She Went Mainstream! - Curvy BlondeBlonde College Babe Kylie Gets Fucked In Her Beautiful Vagina. - Stink FingerLOL: The Internet Convinced Antifa To Do... What?

Amazing BodyGreat Set Of Busty Porn Star Victoria June Stripping Out Of Black Lingerie! Then She Goes Out On The Balcony To Oil In Her Big Titties. I Think Those Of You Who Weren’t Convinced Of Her Greatness Before Will Be Convinced Now! - Serious ToeSofia Richie Pokies And Cameltoe In Tiny White Bikini - G-T-F-OClub Bouncer Wrecks A Dude Throwing Him On A Pavement - Little CapriceLittle Caprice Makes Herself Cum And Plays For 15 Minutes - Horror FuckI'm Not Even Gonna Pretend Like I Know What The Fuck Is Going On Here!!! - Full RetardWould U Hit It? - Butt! Butt!Phun's Bonus Butts #116 - Limit HitHow To Push Your Asshole To The Limit!! - Beach FuckersMeanwhile In Rio... A Couple Openly Fuck In The Shallows For All To See

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says "Use the FORKS, Luke".
--
A redneck took his daughter to the gynaecologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered "To get my daughter on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your daughter sexually active?" asked the Doctor. "No" answered the redneck "she just lays there like her mother".
--
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin? snowin? hailin? Why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money" replied Mick "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros". "Yeah, I understand that" said Seamus "But why do all the others do it?"
--
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says "I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most* of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams 'Faster!'" "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly "Is when she screams... 'Deeper!'"
--
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

ne student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that".

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class".

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man, Mr Curran, said "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think".

The first student said "I think it's Peltry Syndrome". The old man Curran said "You thought... but you are wrong!"

The other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome". The old man Curran said "You thought... but you are wrong!"

So they asked him "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man, Curran said "Well, I thought it was gas... but I was wrong, too!"

ARE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION EVER OKAY? JUDGE FOR YOURSELF...

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION 06

Previously on Orsm: PDA's #5 - PDA's #4 - PDA's #3 - PDA's #2 - PDA's #1

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on!

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of wild sexual abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill, and a note that read "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you".

ORSM VIDEO


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"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhoea" a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid".

"Okay don't be hard on him. He's just a kid" the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him".

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has".

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up". Replied the doctor. "Well" the man admitted "I think my wife now has it too".

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

PANTIES: THE LEAST ESSENTIAL ITEM OF CLOTHING

PANTIES 03

Previously on Orsm: PANTIES #2 - PANTIES #1

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ORSM VIDEO: THINGS THAT WANNA KILL YA EDITION

TIPS THAT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE

Most of these are just common sense but as we all know common sense is not very common at all. Thus the need for lists just like this...

-If you're heading towards a vacant parking lot especially at night or when the area is not particularly safe, walk with the car keys in your hand. This will reduce the amount of time it takes you to get into your car and start it, thereby reducing your exposure to any sudden attack. Also, a key held in your fist and protruding between your knuckles can also act as a makeshift weapon in case of any emergency.

-Crayons can be used as a makeshift candle and will burn for quite some time.

-If you see a photo of yourself (or anyone else - particularly children) where they only have one 'red eye' from the flash, this could be a sign of retinoblastoma (a type of eye cancer).

-If you are trying to break up a dog fight, always grab the back legs of the dog(s) and pull backwards. Most people grab the collar on instinct, and that's how you get bitten.

-Keep your car keys on your bedside table. During a home invasion, if the car is in your bedroom range, you can press the panic alert button on your key that will cause your car horn to blast and headlights to flash, thereby scaring the burglar/criminal away.

-Nylon stockings can be used as rope, as well as a tourniquet. They can also be used to filter out larger debris from the water.

-Any shiny object will do the job, but a compact mirror in your survival kit can be a lifesaver when used as a silent emergency beacon. It can be effective in both sun and moonlight, and can even start fires on a sunny day.

-Never drive when you are tired. Sleepy drivers are basically the same as drunk drivers.

-If a stranger gets in your car forcefully and orders you to take them somewhere, you can drive straight into a pole or a lamp post. This way the car is not driveable and you'll draw attention to yourself.

-Condoms are even more useful than stockings - you can clean one and turn it into a water container, use as a latex glove, convert into a makeshift slingshot and even keep your cell phone and other things safe from dust and water.

-Gunpowder really can sterilise and cauterise a wound. While not the best solution, it is an option when a trip to emergency isn't an option.

-If you are in a survival situation, breathe through your nose and not your mouth. Breathing through your mouth uses up more energy. Stay calm and breathe through your nose to save energy and moisture.

-If you like a drink, do so in moderation. Never get inebriated in a bar or restaurant full of strangers.

-In the case of an earthquake, curl up into the foetal position. This will help protect your body and allow you to fit in smaller voids (in collapsed buildings). If possible, try and curl up next to larger, bulky objects (like a sofa). This will give you added protection.

-If you work a desk job, be sure to get up at least once every two hours and walk around for 5 - 10 minutes. This reduces the chance of developing blood clots in your calves.

-If caught in a burning building, get low. The breathable air will be closer to the floor.

-Leave a note detailing where you are going at your home or in your motel/hotel room if you are planning a day hike. Also, leave a similar note in your vehicle when you get to your destination. And make certain that you stick to the area where you stated that you would be.

-You can use an analogue watch as a makeshift compass. If you're in the northern hemisphere, align the hour hand with the sun, and about halfway between the hour hand and the number 12 is where South is. In the southern hemisphere, align the number 12 with the sun instead.

-Do not under any circumstances throw water on burning oil.

-If you are lost and need directions quickly, find any place that does delivery. Pizza joints and the like are good bets for getting directions, as are hotels.

-If you are lost and you encounter a stream or a fence walk along them. The stream always flows downhill and invariably will reach a larger tributary or a body of water. The fence will almost always lead to a road or a structure.

-Use a head light and a water jug to create an ambient light source.

-Impaled by something - do not remove it. If it punctured any major blood vessels, you could bleed out and die.

-When stuck in a rip, swim parallel to shore. If you try and swim against the rip, you will be pulled out to sea.

-If you are in a foreign country, stay out of political discussions unless you know all of the parties very well. If pressed for an opinion, then simply state that you don't know enough to comment.

-Need batteries but the only ones you had are too small? Use aluminium foil to fill the gap between the battery and the docking point on the device.

-If falling into water from a height, try enter the water feet first with your arms to the side and clench your butthole so water doesn't shoot up your butt.

-No weapon? Use your belt. If you have nothing to defend yourself with in a survival situation against an attacker, your belt can be used as a whip.

-If you find that you are lost and you don't feel comfortable stopping, walk slowly in the direction that you believe that you came from. That way you will be able to ascertain more quickly if you are walking in circles or if are going the wrong way.

-If you need to disinfect and sterilise polluted water, add 2-3 drops of bleach to a water bottle, shake well and let it sit for about 30 minutes.

-Locked in a car? The rear windows are designed to be broken easily.

-Don't walk down the stairs with your hands in your pockets. You need your hands to protect your head or stop your fall.

Do you want more? Part I of this list was posted in May. Find it here.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

HOW DO YOU LIKE *THEM* APPLES!?

IPHONE GIRLS 04

Previously on Orsm: IPHONE GIRLS #3 - IPHONE GIRLS #2 - IPHONE GIRLS #1

This is probably bullshit but does make an interesting point...

A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car could've fed thousands of less fortunate people.

His response to this man made him famous on the internet.

Read his story as stated on Facebook below:

A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said "I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost".

I replied I am not sure;

It fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it
It fed the people who make the tires
It fed the people who made the components that went into it
It fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires
It fed people in Decatur IL. At Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore
It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer
And fed the people working at the dealership and their families

BUT... I have to admit, I guess I really don't know how many people it fed.

That is the difference between capitalism and welfare mentality.

When you buy something, you put money in people's pockets and give them dignity for their skills.

When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.

Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.

Socialism is taking your money against your will and shoving something down your throat that you never asked for.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 14

OLDER SHITE: 7th December - 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - 9th November - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer were riding in a car. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look".

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes".

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

30 GIRLS WITH 60 EXCELLENT PUFFY NIPPLES

PUFFY NIPS 03

Previously on Orsm: PUFFY NIPS #2 - PUFFY NIPS #1

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asks the first soldier, a Special Forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent" says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7,000".

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent" replies the commander after measuring the marine "75 inches, so that's £7,500".

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to the end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands, sahr!"

THE REALITY IS KASSANDRA HAS A FUCKING SWEET BODY

KASSANDRA 02

Previously on Orsm: SUZAN - CATHERINE - LIRA - NATASHA - CHARLOTTE - RITA - AUTUMN - SASHA - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Close to 800 updates just like the one you are reading right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for the year. Am doing my best to make sure it is epic/amazing/okay.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you. Like literally crush you. Ray is so fat that he couldn’t believably play Sherman Klump's stunt double in the new Nutty Professor film.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Save Ferris. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2017.12.07-20.00
Boobies

Welcome to I just remembered I have a photographic memory.

Let's not write a lengthy blog section this week and everyone pretend I did okay? Okay. After all, this is an update that definitely doesn't and won't and can't and shan't... nay it *CANNOT*... disappoint. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER - INSTAGRAM

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held". "Well" the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination".
--
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She told me "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right". I replied "Hell, if I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you".
--
Also known as "women's intuition" this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces... that, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.
--
One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with Little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
--
If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale" just keep on driving. They usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.
--
An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date" she warned "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, mum" asked the girl "How do you make it last an hour?"
--
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbours.
--
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami" says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends". Sophie replies "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too".
--
An older couple, Esther and Morris are playing in the Aleph Annual Golf Club Championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which Esther has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and misses. They lose the match. On the way home in the car, the husband, Morris is fuming "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my pecker!" The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!"
--
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered "Insanity". The D.A. said "All twelve of you?"

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A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem" the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex" said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch". "Oh no, Doctor" the man said nervously "I'm not allowed up on the furniture".
--
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and five children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife" the husband whispers "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father". The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other four".
--
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualisation, association - it has made a big difference for me". "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
--
The only thing we don't have a God for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that that's coming quickly.

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A rather frustrated woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight t-shirt and trousers.

She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark, the lady finally lost control.

She placed her hand on the young man's bum and said "I have an itchy pussy". To which the young man replied "You'll have to show me where it is ma'am, 'cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me".

ALL EYES ON THE BRIDE!

ALL EYES ON THE BRIDE 06

Previously on Orsm: BRIDES #5 - BRIDES #4 - BRIDES #3 - BRIDES #2 - BRIDES #1 - MORE >>

A man called home. "Honey, the boss is coming over for dinner tonight, and I want to impress him so I can get a raise. He loves rare prime rib, peas with little white onions, and baked potatoes".

She rushed to the grocery and bought a lovely prime rib, peas and little white onions, but couldn't find any potatoes. She asked the produce man, who told her "I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of potatoes. We'll have some tomorrow".

"But you MUST have potatoes". "No, Ma'am. I told you - we're all out".

"Don't you have some hidden in the back room?"

The produce guy grew irritated. "Ma'am, if you take the 'pot' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "A toes?"

"Yep. And if you take the 'toes' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "Po-ta?"

Yes. And if you take the 'fuck' out of potatoes, what do you have?" "What? There ain't no 'fuck' in potatoes!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

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A man was about to enter a bar when a dog approached him "Hey, mister! Wanna make some money?"

The man couldn't believe it, a talking dog! He asked the dog "Are you really talking?" "Yeah" the dog answered "so take me into the bar, pretend I'm your dog and bet everybody I can talk".

So the man took the dog into the bar, announced that his dog could talk, and sure enough, no one believed him. So bets were placed and when there was enough money on the table, the man ordered the dog to speak.

Nothing.

He screamed at the dog "Hey! I've bet $4,000 dollars! Say SOMETHING!"

The dog just sat there and wagged his tail.

The man was forced to pay all the bets, and left the bar full of laughing customers.

Once outside, he grabbed the dog. "Damn you! You cost me a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The dog answered. "Because when we come back to bet tomorrow, we'll get ten-to-one!"

TODAY'S SPECIAL: GIRLS FLASHING IN RESTAURANTS

RESTAURANT FLASHING 03

Previously on Orsm: RESTAURANT FLASHING #2 - RESTAURANT FLASHING #1 - MORE >>

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THE MIND BOGGLES...!!

-Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Do twins realise that one of them is unplanned?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
-How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work?
-What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
-Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
-If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
-At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?
-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
-Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
-The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
-Why are there no 'B' batteries?
-If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
-Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
-Why did God give men nipples?
-Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
-If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
-If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-If you are bald, what hair colour do they put on your driver's license?
-Why call it a building if it's already been built?
-Is grass really greener on the other side?
-Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
-If God sneezes, what should you say?
-Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
-If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
-If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
-If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
-What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Which letter is silent in the word 'scent' the S or the C?
-If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
-Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-The word 'swims' upside-down is still 'swims'.
-If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?
-Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Can you daydream at night?
-Why do they call the little candy bars fun sizes. Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?
-Why do we call it 'taking' a dump, when we leave something behind?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-What is Satan's last name?
-Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?
-If you replace 'W' with 'T' in 'What, Where and When' you get the answer to each of them.
-What is a picture of a thousand words worth?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
-Why does quicksand work slowly?
-Can crop circles be square?
-If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
-If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
-Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as you're following the direction of the traffic?
-Is there another word for thesaurus?
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
-After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
-Can animals commit suicide?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
-If glassblowers inhale do they get a pane in the stomach?
-Why aren't curtains double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
-Is a pessimist's blood type B-negative?
-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
-Why is it that when we 'skate on thin ice' we can 'get in hot water'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does grape flavour smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it?
-Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?
-Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
-Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-Can a short person talk down to a taller person?
-If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hair net?

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A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York; "Hi! Where y'all from?" The woman from New York replies "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."

So the woman from Texas says "Fine! Where y'all from, BITCH?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry suggestive voice) "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome?"

"Welllll" replies the Texan "I sure could use a piece of ass". The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and makes mad passionate love with him.

After they're done, she again says suggestively "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?" "Well, ma'am" he replies "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink".

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A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red.

The man pulled over, and the red man asked "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?"

The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green.

He stopped and the guy in green said "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?"

Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway


Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway? What do you want?"

"License and Registration please" came the reply.

THE SURF IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT'S UP...

SURFERS 03

Previously on Orsm: SURFERS #2 - SURFERS #1 - MORE >>

A man is sitting in a saloon in Paso Robles, California and was far from home when Donald Trump came on TV. The man looked at the TV and said "Trump is a horse's ass".

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.

The man got back up, rubbed his cheek and ordered another beer. Shortly after, Melania Trump appears on the TV. The man looked at the TV and said "She's a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

The man gets back up and looks at the bartender "I take it this is Trump country?" "Nope, replies the bartender "Horse country".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 12 07

OLDER SHITE: 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - 9th November - 2nd November - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A lady goes on a vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man. One thing inevitably leads to another aaaaaand... after a night of passionate love making, she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they met and every night, she would ask him what his name was and he would always respond the same - he can't tell her.

On her last night, there she asked him again "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me". says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.

"Fine! My name is Snow!" the black man replies.

The lady burst into laughter and the black man got mad and said "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied "I'm not making fun of your name.

I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica".

30 CHICKS WHO ARE ABSOLUTELY ROCKING SINGLETS

SINGLETS 03

Previously on Orsm: SINGLETS #2 - SINGLETS #1 - MORE >>

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

BEDTIME ROUTINE IS ON POINT

SUZAN

Previously on Orsm: CATHERINE - LIRA - NATASHA - CHARLOTTE - RITA - AUTUMN - SASHA - ARIEL - JUNE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If nothing else check out November's archive - it is huge and awesome [like my penis].
-Next update will be next Thursday. SECOND LAST FOR THE YEAR WOOOOOO!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my fat friend Ray will have something to say about that. Don't worry, we don't call him that to be mean. Ray is so fat that he had a dentist fit extra teeth in his mouth so he can eat faster.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rethink your 80th nugget - surely 79 is enough? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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