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December 2018...
orsmupdate 2018.12.20-22.18
Boobies

Welcome to Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away. Wonder Woman lost her bosoms flying TAA. Hey!

Tiz the season... that people genuinely lose their minds. I've definitely been guilty of this over the years but have made an effort to (try to) change my ways. Traditionally once December hits I'd start to get riled up. Like a month long build up to disappointment on some level. To the point I realised I wasn't enjoying the festive season at all. Everything from the shopping to the social to the familial obligations weren't doing it for me. What I eventually realised was the best approach was to (try to) do things more on my own terms; avoid the shit that's shit. By no means perfected yet but for once I'm genuinely enjoying December and the build up to Christmas.

The Christmas spirit isn't alive and well for everyone however. People are, have and always will, be animals...

I was lined up at the registers to pay for my shit the other day. Spotted a woman with an armful of stuff collected around the store heading in my direction. Hundreds of dollars' worth. Could tell the moment I saw her this was going to be a thing and sure enough... she walked straight through the front doors, practically unchallenged by staff, and out to the carpark. She essentially told the guy who checks receipts to fuck off. I called out "SHE'S STEALING THAT STUFF, MATE!" His reply: "There's nothing we can do". Dozens of people watched it happen and were shocked. Recently there was a white guy doing the same thing with lawnmowers - walking right through the exit with them. It made national news, he was found and arrested. Didn't realise if you were Aboriginal it was allowed though.

Next. Was standing on the driveway when some shitcunt went past our house at lightspeed on his motorbike. Suburban street, not a major road. I put arm out in the air to gesture "WTF?" He sees this. Nails the brakes. Locks the rear, wobbles and almost falls off. LOL. Then starts giving double birds, waving his fist and trying to challenge me to a fight. LOL I'm holding a baby whilst this is happening.

Moving on. This update is very big, swallowed an insane amount of time and contains an even more insane amount of content. I had intended to a proper wrap up showcasing the most popular vids, galleries and Radom Shite's however it'd have meant a couple more hours late with the update and no one wants that. I'll compile it all and have it either first or second week back in the New Year.

THIS IS THE LAST UPDATE FOR THE YEAR - BACK ON 3RD JANUARY 2019!

Would like to thank everyone who supported Orsm this year and for all the other ones before it. I would find something else to do with my life if it weren't for you guys!


OH - there's a buttload of Christmas Easter Eggs stashed on this page. Definitely well worth clicking every damn link!! Basically anytime you see the word CHRISTMAS, click on it.

Alright strap yourselves in and let's do this. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER

The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate. Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.
--
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles". "She did" he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
--
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".
--
At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer. Little Boy "But I don't know how to pray". Dad says "Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc". Little Boy says "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's iPhone, and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mum's room when daddy is at work. Amen".
--
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
--
It's Christmas morning. Billy and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn, run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the pile of presents around the tree. When the dust settles, Billy has all these great presents: a video game system, a big-ass Nerf gun that shoots 8 different kinds of projectiles, one of those electric slot car tracks where the cars climb up the wall and go through loops. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present - a little Matchbox car, which he's pushing back and forth in the corner. "Gee, Timmy," Billy says "I guess I sure got more presents than you this year". Timmy says "Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer".
--
A Christmas word of advice... it's nearing the festive season again and so just a reminder that a doggy is not just for Christmas, it's a great position all year round.
--
Why does Santa have such big balls? Because he only cums once a year.
--
Arthur took his college roommate Samuel home for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married, and we'd like your blessing". Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied "Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!! For Christ's sake, Arthur... he's... he's Jewish!"

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Accidentally dropped my Viagra tablets this morning, right after I took one. I felt like a complete idiot crawling around on all fives looking for them.
--
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says "First, give me a bottomless mug of beer". A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says "And what about your other two wishes?" The guy thinks for a moment and says "Give me two more just like this one!"
--
All this feminist bullshit about men having all the power... power comes from the socket, not the plug...!
--
An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says "That's a karate chop from Korea". Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan" he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Bunnings".

ORSM VIDEO

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WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS...

Most people have a story or seven about how a day that should be relaxing and fun was somehow tainted or completely ruined by a jerk. Ah people - what a bunch of bastards. Check it...

-When I was 9 years old, there was a present under the tree that made all kinds of noise when you picked it up. Every day after school, I'd pick it up, shake it, ask the parents, what's in it. No answer. Christmas break was torture. Finally, Christmas came and I went right after that present opened it. To my horror, it was filled with a bunch of worthless rusty nuts, bolts, washer, old spring, bent nails. I was fucking devastated. Why was it the worst you ask? I had been with my adopted family for only about 3 months, and it was the first Christmas where I had my very own present.

-The weekend before Christmas my sister was on the phone to my mother, when suddenly my mother says "OK honey, I have to go, I'm getting married today". MARRIED? And TO WHOM? That Christmas was incredibly awkward, since my mother married a man none of us had ever met or knew existed, just a few weeks after divorcing my dad who she'd been married to for 40 years. Like, what do you say? 'Merry Christmas, who the fuck are you?'"

-My family has a tradition of everyone opening one gift the night before. Usually my parents would pick which one, and it would usually be something small so that we'd save the big surprises for Christmas Day. One year when my brother was around 15, he was dead set on opening one specific present, and my mum gave in and let him choose that one as the one he got to open on Christmas Eve. He opened it, and it was a wooden box. He was so shocked that it was just a box, and he kept yelling "THAT'S IT? IT'S A BOX!?" over and over again. I don't know what he was expecting to be in there, or why he wanted that specific one so bad, but he was very disappointed.

-Last year we had just adopted our dog. He had a lot of destructive separation anxiety so we kept him in a crate when we left the house. One day, we left him for two hours and he managed to bounce his crate seven feet across the room to the tree, pull the bottom half of the tree in through the bars and ate all the ribbon, branches, lights, and ornaments. The entire tree was knocked over and sitting on top of the crate.

-A used cookbook, graciously given to me by the same people that gave my little sister a full snowboarding set, snowboard and all that other stuff you use when you snowboard. Yeah.

-We used to have 12 free-range chickens in our backyard, including one chicken, Bubbles, who was our favourite. One Christmas, my brothers and I were playing when we heard squawking in the backyard. We went to check on them, and found a hawk sitting in the backyard hunched over the decapitated body of Bubbles. My brothers cried and my dad had to go out and dispose of the body. He found the head on the other side of the yard. It was like watching Animal Planet in our backyard, but much sadder.

-A fairly distant relative once gave me three promotional (freebie) vouchers for a clothes shop I didn't really like. Each gave £5 off a purchase, per £50 spent. 15 year old me didn't have enough money to be spending £50 on clothes in one go, and the vouchers had actually expired on December the 23rd.

-My aunt got way too drunk, accused different family members of pooping in her shower, then eventually passed out and peed herself. Nobody even pooped in the shower.

-When I was 8 or 9, my aunt took the money she would normally use to buy presents for her nieces and nephews and donated it to Heifer International. The donation was equal to something like two goats, so we all got cards at the family Christmas party saying that she purchased 1/5th of a goat in our name. 8-year-old me was confused and wanted to meet and play with the goat. They explained the goat was given to another family that needed it. I was devastated.

-We had finished Christmas dinner and were trying to balance spoons on our noses. My grandad got up to take a photo, when suddenly I noticed a reflection of flames in the window behind him. He'd backed up towards the window where there were loads candles and his shirt had caught fire. I screamed, 'GRANDAD'S ON FIRE!' My grandma managed to put it out just in time, leaving a huge hole in the back of his shirt.

-The year the cat ran up the tree and couldn't get down. The dog thought it was play time and ran full speed across my living room and launched into the tree to play with the cat. I have an English Mastiff that weighs about 150 lbs right now. The tree stood no chance. Ornaments... everywhere. The cat bolted as soon as the tree hit the ground and the dog followed. There were crushed presents, shattered ornaments, and pine needles everywhere. That was the last year we had a real tree.

-Picture the scene: We had just sat down to Christmas dinner. The dining table was straining under the weight of food, mum's best china, and the family's crystal wine glasses. All of a sudden the candelabra that was hanging above the table falls from the ceiling, smashing the contents of the table to smithereens".

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 17

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 17

Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #16 - XMAS AMATEURS #15 - XMAS AMATEURS #14 - XMAS AMATEURS #13

WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS [CONTINUED]

-Uncle had a bottle of water, sister took a drink of it - wasn't water. Vodka. Uncle then proceeded to patronize family in his drunken state and called my grandmother a nigger. Said uncle is no longer invited to Christmas dinner.

-9-year-old me ran into my mum and dad's room excited to open presents. Unfortunately as I was running in, I tripped over a rug and smashed my teeth against my parent's bed post. Blood was everywhere. I lost one tooth (luckily a baby tooth) and fractured my adult incisor. I had to wait 6 hours in hospital for a specialist to arrive. Didn't get to open any of my presents, and had to drink my Christmas dinner through a straw!

-For a white elephant party, I got a bag that was very heavy, and everyone was anxious about what was in it. I ended up picking it, and it was filled with maps, brochures, and fliers about different stores in the local shopping mall. This was the same party where people were getting Xboxes, money, iPads, (this was a charity thing where you had to donate money to get in, and they would match the total cost of all presents and donate to a local charity.) I had brought a used 4th gen iPod touch that a college student ended up getting. No one else would steal it, and we never found out who did it. I ended up chucking it in the recycle bin when the night was done.

-This year my little brother gave me a wallet. Not so bad, but it was obviously about 10 years old and really just a crappy wallet. He is 9 and I know he was trying hard so I thanked him and told him it was a great gift. Later that night be comes to me looking really troubled and confesses to me that he only gave me the wallet because he had been broke for a few months and hadn't used it. He also didn't expect to get money for Christmas, but he did, and now he was worried he was going to lose it if he didn't get a wallet. I gave him back the wallet.

-When I was 14 my single mum was struggling to afford to raise me and my sister. Being the good guy I asked my father if I could move out with him to give my mum a break for a while. Dad accepted and I moved. Fast forward to Christmas of '91, I'm 15 living with my dad and his wife and her 2 kids. We are going to fly to Texas just for the day to check out his new job. He was in construction for a national company so this was not abnormal. So we leave, I'm thinking great here's some me and dad time. Things haven't gone that great. I'm 15, used to pretty much taking care of myself, I've gotten in some trouble and of course my dad isn't accustomed to raising a teenager either. So, we've had our struggles. I'm thinking we'll do some talking, maybe think on how to live better with one another. We are picked up by 3 guys at the Dallas airport, transferred to an office location where dad and I are sat in an office with another gentleman. Said gentleman begins to explain that this is an inpatient rehabilitation centre for kids, that I'll be there a minimum of 6 months and that my dad will be leaving. Well needless to say I wasn't having it. As I lay on the floor, being held in a 4 point restraint, I watched my dad walk out the door without saying goodbye or answering my pleas asking why he was doing this to me. The place was hell. My dad left me there 3 days before Christmas. It took my mum 4 months to get out of him where I was and then to get my uncle to come there and get me out. In that time I had no contact with anyone I've ever known. I was abused, mentally and physically and pretty much gave up on trying to live. So there, merry Christmas to me.

-Two years ago my mum was caught cheating on my dad and wanted to keep it a secret for when her side of the family came down. Long story short, my dad and uncle got very drunk and caused a huge scene saying they were gonna go to the guys house and beat him up. He ended up calling the dude my mum had an affair with. The dude proceeded to call the cops for "domestic violence" issues when the extent of the fight was him yelling. My aunt uncle and cousins found out and said they were going home the next day (Christmas). They ended up staying but my aunt (her sister) told my mum she would never speak to her again if she continued her shit. Worst Christmas by far

-Mother-In-Law's boyfriend talking about trying to get her to have a 3-way with a black dude, and then talking about films you can see Doctor Who female characters nude in, all while stealing glances at my wife's chest. I hate that piece of shit.

-Mum was having her time of the month and suddenly decided she hated the tree. She grabbed it with glass ornaments and lights and dragged it out the front door and threw it in the front yard. Then she threatened us, seven kids, that if anyone even dared to move it that we would be out there with it. When Dad came home he just went to his recliner and acted like nothing was wrong. She threw pots and pans and screamed at him till midnight then everyone had to go to church. We came home about 2am and she made Dad go get the tree and then made us fix it back up. Christmas Day we had about forty relatives over and she acted like we were one big happy family. This was one of the nicer Christmases.

-As a child, all the kids in the neighbourhood would go out carolling and then go back to one of our homes for hot chocolate and cookies. One year we went by a house and a lady came out and screamed at us to go away and told us that the relatives coming to stay with them for Christmas were killed in a car accident.

Dipping sauces here, here and here.

ORSM VIDEO

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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Christmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 18

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 18

Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #12 - XMAS AMATEURS #11 - XMAS AMATEURS #10 - XMAS AMATEURS #9

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

As 2018 draws to a close, I want to thank you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my nextdoor neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

RANDOM SHITE: PART 1

CHRISTMAS SHITE: PART 1

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course" he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 19

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 19

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Thelma'. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Thelma a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Thelma came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Thelma's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Thelma should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Thelma the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Thelma. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Thelma made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screeched. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Thelma's collapse. We discovered that Thelma had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

RANDOM SHITE: PART 2

CHRISTMAS SHITE: PART 2

OLDER SHITE: 13th December - 6th December - 29th November - 22nd November - 15th November - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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BOILED CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE

1 cup butter
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 Large eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup dried fruit
1 tablespoon nuts
1 bottle whisky


METHOD:

Sample whisky to check for quality.

Take large bowl. Check Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoon tea of sugar and beat again.

Make sure whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters., pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for consistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one ballespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees.

Don't forget to beat of the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whLisky again and bo to ged.

Nappy Hugh Ear.

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 20

CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 20

It was a cold Christmas Eve and a miserable woman stood on the edge of a high bridge as she contemplated suicide. Just as she tried to step off, she felt someone grab her coat. She turned around to see Santa Claus pulling her back.

"Santa Claus?!?" she exclaimed. "Yes indeed, but tell me, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Santa replied. The woman answered "Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me and my cancer has returned".

Santa said to her kindly "Worry not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you'll have a message from your boss offering you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with your children, you'll have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone".

"My goodness!" exclaimed the woman. "That is truly a miracle, how can I ever repay you?" Santa grinned slyly as he said, "Well, there is one way.. how about a blowjob?"

The woman was so grateful she readily agreed. "Okay, sure!" she said as she got on her knees. She unzipped Santa and gave him the best blowjob of his life.

After she had finished, Santa zipped up and asked the woman, "By the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27," she answered as she wiped her mouth.

"You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" Santa said, laughing heartily as he walked off into the night.

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they've only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.

The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.

But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.

Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing".

RANDOM SHITE: PART 3

CHRISTMAS SHITE: PART 3

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away".

Santa replies "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice "Oh, Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while".

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know".

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa. Please. Stay". Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay..."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney this way!"

ORSM VIDEO


And that's 2018 done, folks! I'll be back on the 3rd of January.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If this update and its almost 160 videos isn't enough the archives most definitely willl be!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just kidding. The one AFTER that one.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat literally all the food for your big family lunch before you have even have a chance to sit down at the table.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems but get on the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.12.13-20.58
Boobies

Welcome to I wish there were pigmen.

Second last update of the year. Woohoo. Not only does that mean some downtime but also that there's a monster Christmas update on the way to wrap it all up. Meanwhile you guys'll have to keep yourselves occupied with this absolute sickcunt update I've cobbled together. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER - INSTAGRAM

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
--
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colours; Fill your plate with bright colours; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
--
When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!
--
The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence". "Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".
--
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back" said one child "No" said another. "He's just for good luck". A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs" she said firmly "to find the fire hydrants".
--
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening".
--
Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet.
--
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist". "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?" "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
--
"That wife of mine is a liar!" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley". "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Click for more awesomeness


Yeah Its PissReason #75 You Should Carry Flood Insurance - Hot Or Not?Brooke Candy - Not Sure If I Love This Or Hate This! Seems To Be Well Done But That's A Lot Of Ink!! - Creamy OrgasmMasturbate In A Shower While My Dumb Brother Tries To Hear Me - So Much NOPEHefty LGBTQA+3.14 Troglodyke Gets Last Night's Hungry Man Dinner Ejected Out Of Her After Trying To Post Up On The Wrong Block. Lesson Learned: When It Comes To Oesophageal Tolerance, Don't Mess With The Black People. - Yellow FeverInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Magic ButtsPhunny's Bonus Butts #163 - Nip SlippedKristin Cavallari Nipple Slip At The Much Music Awards - I Agree!Martina Mink Is A New Model From Met-Art And She Has Nice Looking Tits. You Agree? - Lez OrgySimony Diamond In Lesbian Group Eating Pussy

Non-Stop OrgasmsAsian Girl Has Nonstop Orgasms When Fucking Her First Black Guy - Solo ActionChick Rams Her Own Cunt In Her Car Almost Gets Busted - College Fuckin'Three Things You Can Do To Go Viral On Snapcha - I'd Whack ItIf You’ve Been Wondering What Meadow Soprano Has Been Up To Since Her Dad Tony Died Here’s The Update You Have Been Waiting For! - Party GirlParty Girl Gets Fucked Good - The LulzPhun.org's Funny Pictures DCCXXXV - Total PerfectionEmo Chick Rides Her Cock Rocker - Cum-CoveredCum-Covered Gloryhole Lesbian Fun From Europe - Creepin'Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck!

Got SkillsAnissa Kate Shows Off Huge Tits Before Blowjob - Looks GoooodNew Porn Girl Autumn Falls Is Showing Off Her Perfect Naturals By Stripping In An Elevator For The Reality Kings Site Sneaky Sex! She Looks Good, What Else Can You Say? - See ThruGigi Hadid Nipples In See Through Black Gown - Katrina JadeKatrina Jade Gets Her Arsehole Slammed Very Pleasingly - Plunder Her!If The Chick From The Grudge Got Her Pussy Fingered - Hotter Than..This Is Already Issue No.17 Of Our Legendary "Hotter Then The Sun" Gallery Compilation. The Rules Are Simple. Only The Hottest Babes / Pictures End Up In This Gallery. - Pizza Or CumRespect - Porn Starlet She Gets Very Creative Here. - *POUNDED*How To Sexual Break A Bitch 101 - Slutty Co-edsThis Is Real Life Party Girls Documentary Home Video

My dad worked as a carpenter his whole life. When he died they buried him with his lathe. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps but I wanted to be a musician. I bet he's turning in his grave right now.
--
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
--
I organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
--
"How did you lose your hands?" asked a bloke in the pub. "I stole a fish in the Middle East" I replied "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me". "Wow! How big was it?" he said. I held my arms out wide and said "A bit bigger than that".

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary's house one night when Rocco loses $600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks "Who's going to go and tell the situation to his wife?"

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem".

He drives over to Rocco's house and knocks on the door. Rocco's wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost $600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He's asked me to come over here and apologise to you".

Rocco's wife goes crazy and screams "You tell him I said drop dead!" Ronald doesn't bat an eyelid and says "Okay, I'll go tell him".

UPSKIRT - YOU know you shouldn't look but CAN'T HELP it !

UPSKIRT 14

UPSKIRTS previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.

"So what do I do first?" His father replied "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed".

5 minutes later Fred's on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed, what do I do now??" His father can't believe what he is hearing "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her".

After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His dad's patience is now running thin so he says "Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!"

Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. "Okay Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next"

"DROWN YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess".

HOT SEXY GIRLS WITH *SMALL* BOOBS

SMALL BOOBS 10

GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"

The receptionist objected, stating "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man". "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit" added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said "You're in luck this morning, he will see you" and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked "How can I help you?" She replied "I would like to open a savings account" and placed the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you please" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?" The old lady coyly replied "I make bets".

Surprised, the president then asked "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "What?!" cried the man "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square".

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay" said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay". He then said "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" The old lady replied "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands".

HOT SEXY GIRLS WITH *BIG* BOOBS

BIG BOOBS 19

Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.

The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair" replies the judge.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

A guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into one of his groomsmen. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.

The married guy replied "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time".

The groomsmen replied "There is a simple solution to That. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the tummy. For some reason that makes women get off!"

Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted ways.

About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy Is eager to find out what had happened. He asked "Hey, is everything better on the home front now?" The married man replied "Not exactly!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"

EVERYBODY LOVES STAR WARS

EVERYBODY LOVES STAR WARS 04

Previously: STAR WARS BABES #3 - STAR WARS BABES #2 - STAR WARS BABES #1- MORE >>

When Ali, the sheik's most devoted eunuch, died unexpectedly in the middle of the night, the potentate's teenaged son asked his father how this unhappy event had come to pass.

"My son" said the sheik "Ali's death teaches us a valuable lesson. Last night, upon retiring, I commanded him to hasten to my harem and select for my pleasure the one most beautiful among the hundred houri's waiting there. He returned with surprising swiftness with a ravishing young woman, but this tasty morsel merely whetted my appetite, so I summoned Ali again and told him to fetch forth the most sensual female of the harem.

This time he returned even more quickly, though the harem is a considerable distance from my quarters as you know, with a female whose hair was as flame with a passion to match.

This erotic creature further increased my desire, and I instructed Ali to have the most innocent maiden he could find brought to my bedchamber; he reappeared soon after, short of breath and perspiring from his efforts in my behalf, with a raven-haired beauty who was the very image of innocence.

So it went throughout most of the night-with a fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh, faithful Ali scurrying back and forth between harem and bedchamber again, and again, and again, and again, until he dropped dead at my feet".

"And what is the valuable lesson to be learned from all this?" the perplexed son of the potentate wanted to know. "There's no harm in sex" said the sheik. "It's the running after it that can kill you".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 12 13

OLDER SHITE: 6th December - 29th November - 22nd November - 15th November - 8th November - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

GOOD TAN LINES = GOOD TIMES

TAN LINES 12

SENSATIONAL TAN LINES previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".

To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

TODAY'S FORECAST: MISTY

MISTY

Previously: DARIA - EMILY - JULIETT - KATE - BARBIE - ABELLA - JULIANA- NIKKI - ABIGAIL - SUZAN - MORE >>

Mr. Jones is attending a medical conference at London. He goes to reception and finds out from the receptionist that his room is on the fourteenth floor of the building. Exhausted from his long flight from New York City, he immediately proceeds to the elevator.

There, he is greeted by the jolly elevator attendant with a huge smile. "Good day, Sir. Need a lift?" "Lift?" Mr. Jones asked in amusement. "Indeed, Sir" replied the man.

"You mean elevator?" Mr. Jones asked smiling. The elevator attendant responded "Well yes, Sir. But here, we call it a lift".

"You really should call it an elevator, you know? Because as it was invented in our country, it's called that way" Mr. Jones quipped.

The good attendance gave him a cheeky response "I hear you, Sir. But as the language was invented here, it's called a lift".

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. DO WHAT I SAY !
-Next update will be next Thursday OR Friday. Last update for the year and it going to be huge!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will arrange a playdate for your kids with a certain Catholic Cardinal.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck negativity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.12.06-20.35
Boobies

Welcome to the jerk store.

I just want to get cracking with this update without wasting a moment. Why? Because its brilliance. Also I'm desperate to get off the computer for a couple of hours. But honestly, its mostly the first reason. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER

It's only 19 days to Christmas. I fucking HATE Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified.
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said "l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded "That's all right, lady. I'm already trained".
--
The value of a Good Vocabulary: I called an old mate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment". I was very impressed. Upon further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
--
I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden, the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me. Fucking psycho path.
--
The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least" I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.
--
I was chatting to a guy at work the other day and he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men. He ended up pretty annoyed with me and I can't understand why. I only asked "If they reared him together or took turns ".
--
Gave the wife a handmade bra that I'd got from a craft fair, and told her it was made from sheepdog hair. "Aww, how sweet" she giggled. "Is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" "No, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
--
Smacked the missus on the arse last night. "into the bedroom with you wench" I said. She giggled "Oh you horny devil" "No, seriously" I said. "Bugger off, the footy's about to start."

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A male student asked his English professor "What is the definition of a dilemma?" The professor said "Well, there's nothing better than this example to illustrate that: imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful, aroused, naked woman on one side, and an excited gay man on the other". "Who are you going to turn your back on?"
--
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
--
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it. Eventually, she'd had enough and pulled the emergency cord. The Muslim looked at her and said "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch". She laughed and said "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker!"

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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.

"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours".

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".

NURSES... CAN PROVIDE CARE IN MANY WAYS...

NURSES 05

Previously on Orsm: NURSES #4 - NURSES #3 - NURSES #2 - NURSES #1 - MORE >

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband "it is 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know".

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

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An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene and they headed back to find the man-eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male!"

BLOODY BEAUTIFUL DAY TO SPEND IN THE PARK...

PARK LIFE 02

Previously on Orsm: PARK LIFE #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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Recently, while I was working in the garden in my front yard, my Green voting neighbours stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both her parents, were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people". Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that". "What do you mean?" she replied. So, I told her "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim the hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the local mall where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house".

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay HIM the $50 directly?"

I smiled and said "Welcome to Australia as it SHOULD be!!"

Her parents and I don't speak much anymore.

SHHHH! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M READING!

SHHHH IM READING 03

Previously on Orsm: SHHHH IM READING #2 - SHHHH IM READING #1- MORE >>

A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!
No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM".

IF YOU HATE NICE TITS THEN THIS GALLERY DEFINITELY ISN'T FOR YOU

NICE TITS 10

NICE TITS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again!

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 12 06

OLDER SHITE: 29th November - 22nd November - 15th November - 8th November - 1st November - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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The Hell's Angels bikers were riding through London when they saw a girl about to jump off tower bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby... what you doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive' George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump... why don't you give 'ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the police officer. "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, that's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Tits. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl".

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

THONGS: ONE OF FASHIONS GREATEST CREATIONS

THONGS 02

Previously on Orsm: THONGS #1 - MORE >>

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says "Mum, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to answer, his mum tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Justin didn't forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says "Why Justin, those are balloons. When your mum dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven". Justin is satisfied with that and asks no more questions.

A few days later, Justin's dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically "Dad! Dad! Mum is dying!!"

His father says "Calm down son! Why do you think Mum is dying?" "Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mum's balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

LOVELY✔️ TALENTED✔️ATTRACTIVE✔️ NAKED✔️

DARIA 03

Previously: EMILY - JULIETT - KATE - BARBIE - ABELLA - JULIANA- NIKKI - ABIGAIL - SUZAN - NICOLE - MORE >>

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mum, who lived three hours away.

"Well, darling" said her Mum "How was your honeymoon?"

"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time" said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me... PLEASE!"

Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mum come get me!" begged the bride. "But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what's troubling you" said her mum.

Still sobbing the bride said to her mother... "Words like... DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!"

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Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. You have athink about that.
-NexT upDatE wiLl BE NExT tHURsDaY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will vaccinate your children with a placebo.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and only 2 more MF-ing updates left for the year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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