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January 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.01.30-18.28

Welcome to Orsm.net. Like the back of a Volkswagen.

Not loving stress right now. The pressure is on to the point that the muscles in my face actually hurt. Fight or flight apparently. You tense up long enough and that's what happens. Frustratingly, its absolutely out of my control. Too many people want too many things, the phone rings over and over either asking or telling me to do stuff which doesn't take into consideration the buttload of my own crap which keeps getting pushed aside. Why would it? No time to exercise, can't sleep, not eating. This is the biggest FML I've had for a while and its just sorta ever so slightly starting to fuck me off. And where is most of it coming from? Does anyone have... the motherfucking, stupid-ass house build? Regret has kicked in and I'm not enjoying a single second of it. There's a lot of "It'll be worth it once you're in" going around and holy fucking shit it would want to be because at the moment I'd be ecstatic if an earthquake knocked the fucker down.

Despite all the drama, unnecessary carry on, tyranny, setting me up to fail, disgraceful communication skills, accusations and ultimatums [that I'm on the receiving end of] there are, or at least were, a few good things happening. The past weekend was actually pretty damn awesome. Most importantly - I got drunk. Twice. The first outing came Friday after being invited to a corporate box at the Australia vs England cricket match. Really seem to have missed my calling because the benefits of being in the hospitality industry supremely outweigh anything to do with porn. It may also have been the first cricket match I've ever been to. Can't remember ever going to one before so sitting in a sectioned off area away from the riffraff enjoying free food and booze served to us at our shaded seats was definitely the right way to indoctrinate myself. You know I might even be tempted along again under similar conditons...

Pulled myself out of bed early Saturday to get over to the house and begin doing someone else's job that they are being paid for. Don't know why that was necessary but even asking just isn't worth it and needless to say it swallowed half the day. By the time I got home, unloaded tools, showered and ate it was back out the door to visit friends who just popped out their first fuck trophy. They're close enough friends that no one had any apprehension about sharing all the gory details of child birth, nor did the 3 other pregnant girls who came to visit. What ensued was an hour of terrifying information covering words such as placenta, vacuuming, colostrum and "tidying up down there". Why does anyone look forward to childbirth??

Sunday was Australia Day. Long gone are the days of socialising with friends. Too much to do. This one started at 7am at the business of a family member, installing shelves. Assurances of how long I was required for ended up being somewhat exaggerated as 2 hours turned into 4. Home, unload all my tools, shower and head out the door to smash some dim sum. If that weren't un-Australian enough the next stop was a shoulder rub at one of those Chinese massage places you find in shopping malls. The irony of these things not realised until later but I'm calling it 'embracing multiculturalism' so by rights that makes me a better Aussie than everyone who didn't do that shit.

That night was the traditional Oz Day fireworks show. Apparently the biggest one in the universe [held on 26th January]. The problem though is who can really be fucked joining a few hundred thousand people in the city to watch it. Sure the show is good but the few hours trying to get home isn't. Instead we did the same as last year and headed south to the town of Fremantle who have their own breakaway fireworks show. Significantly smaller, shorter and overall less impressive but you can sit next to your car at an excellent vantage point and be out of there moments after the last shell explodes. Perfect.

Being a long weekend... we had the Monday off. Used the opportunity to drive an hour to a friend's place where a decent chunk of our house stuff is stored. Everything from furniture to gardening equipment. There was a sort of plan when we moved house - the shit we wouldn't need in the interim ended up in her shed. Ultimately the plan execution was a debacle more resembling sex for the handicapped and things we've frequently needed ended up there. So that's how Monday began - spent a while digging through the pile, segued into breakfast and were back to civilisation by lunchtime. Rest of the day I spent feverishly working away in front of the computer before taking the train into the city with a mate and hitting a series of pubs and consuming a range of beers ahead of the Avicii concert. Tickets were Xmas presents from respective partners but honestly I would've been just as happy doing the pubs. The concert was sensational though. For all I know, that little fucker came out on stage, pressed play on his iPod and waved his hand in the air for 2 hours whilst giving his best 'fuck yeah' duckface without so much as a turntable in the whole building and that's completely okay because the music was great, the crowd was great and the placed rocked.

And that about brings you guys up to speed with my life. Actually feel better than I did before sitting down to write this unnecessarily long pile of words too. Maybe that's the secret to better health? Subjecting folks to what you have to say. Works pretty well for a few people I can think of... and I have no doubt that they'll outlive all of us... just to make sure we suffer. And on that note we should do the update. I always try and undersell what you guys are about to feast on but this update is so good that... check it...


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Insult Supercut - Honest Robo - Decimated - Err What? - FULL Anal - X-Girl Batin' - Bit Nippy - I Said No - Topless DJ

Squeal Bitch! - Perverted - Messed Up - Ron Swanson? - Bukkaked - Foot Fuck - Chair Sex - No Chance - Braless

Priorities - Porn Reality - Wet Lezzers - Hourglass - Brutal Crash - Too Awesome - Squirt-irific - Buttkiss!! - Gay Thugs

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night. I was fucking some absolute slag from behind when I looked up and realised that the guy at the other end of the spit-roast, getting a blowjob, was my dad. I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum". He said "I'm not..."
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose. The physicist, realising that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming "We got him! We got him!"
Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size is still at large.
Three couples decided to get out and go camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Alan woke up and yelled out "Oh wow, this is unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked "What's going on, why all the yelling?" Alan said "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife right now". "Yeah... how come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!" After a considered pause, Bill said "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding".


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We've all been there but don't like to admit it but as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. Memorise these definitions and pooping at work will become pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says "Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it" said Colin.

The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "Nah bro... I don't want it" answered Colin.

The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Colin said "No".

Confused, the rich man asked "Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said "I want the bastard who pushed me in".


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In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany.

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S. When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.

So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth". The customs official shook his head and said "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Morris replied "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food". The customs official shook his head and said "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth" he said "once in a while I like a ham sandwich.


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Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks 'I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling'. So he calls the teacher and says "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him". The teacher says no worries, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says "Hi, my name is Johnny". She says "Yes I know who you are". Johnny smiles and says "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt".

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost".

The teacher says "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem". Johnny's dad laughs and says "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over".


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Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for Baked Beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on". So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late, because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed, delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight". He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin and placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.

Apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was 'surprised'. There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"...

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Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked. "John" the guy answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke" he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked. "John" the guy answered. "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke" he answered. Again, the judge saw nothing offensive. 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait... let me guess... John?" he said. "No" said the guy "My name is Smoke".


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When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee".

I said "Well, then why are you crying?" He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon". I said "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2am". I said "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"



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They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 66 year old retired Australian named Reg walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick" he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

The Receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man replied "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it!" he replied.


Well that is that... except for this...

-Check out the site archives. They are LITERALLY the best archives of their kind.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Where will you be?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will definitely have something to say about that!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do whatever the fuck you feel like doing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.01.23-19.22

Welcome to Orsm.net. Like if you cunt.

Things are finally starting to feel summery. Can't quite put my finger on why that is but could have something to do with the hot weather we've been having. Also, I'm told, its currently summer here. Aside from that it could be the bikinied eye candy which can be encountered almost anywhere or the inability to sleep comfortably. As mentioned at another update - I'm a miserly as fuck about using the grossly inefficient and useless air-conditioning at home. Like getting head from your gran - yeah it blows but not so well that you can enjoy it. This presents challenges during the hottest time of the day; especially sitting next to two beefy PC's which produce enough heat that they essentially have their own weather system. So I'm trying to train myself to get used to it and am actually surviving relatively well. The air only goes on if the temp gets above 38°C [100°F]. In the meantime it's a case of hug the fan and think of the good times... like my old house which had a split system directly above my head. That fucker used to get switched on around November and stay that way until April.

Tennis. Make it stop. Please.

Moving on to all the other stuff that's been going on around here. If you're already bored then scroll down a wee bit and begin ingesting the update. So many awesome videos and pictures and random other whatever that you'll wonder why you didn't scroll down sooner...

The amount of shit that's currently falling to me in regards to this house build [nightmare] is piling up quicker than a line of people dispensing free advice. Why, with at least 3 other 'stakeholders', everything becomes my responsibility/problem is a question I'm too afraid to ask for fear of causing a major argument but I guess doesn't change the fact the stuff needs to be done. On the list for this weekend is: move a crap load of cables that tradesmen who ran them put in the wrong places. I don't know why we can't tell them to do it but "its better if you do it". Next is to sweep, clean and remove all rubbish from both houses. After that I just need to get all the kitchen and bathroom cupboards designed and colours worked out. Noooo worries.

House antics is how last Saturday began. The simple task of laying a few bricks to fill a couple of spots that couldn't be done by bricklayers previously became way harder than it had to be. So much so that its just about impossible to convey how fucking ecstatic I was to bail out a few hours later and leave others to finish off. Arrived home to applause from the 10 or so girls who'd invaded home for some morning tea thing; really doesn't happen often enough but have never knocked a bitch up before so makes sense. After the worlds quickest shower it was off again to help a friend look at a car she was buying. Took about an hour longer than it had to but the car was purchased and I won't have to go along anymore. Next stop was a friends place for the afternoon - this whole baby thing is taking on a life of its own and the good part is its saving us a fortune. The amount of hand-me-downs we've already scored is ridiculous. Pretty much the only thing we'll have to buy, and that's because I want a new one, is a stroller. Highchairs, change table, bed thingy, toys, clothes - you name it, its already been gifted. The best part is vaginal departure is 6 months away and there's still a baby shower and whatever to go so looks like we're golden.

Sunday. T'was a stinker. Proceedings began by dismantling and cleaning the coffee machine. Its an old, leaky piece of shit that does nothing well except crank out an exceptional shot of coffee. A little clean goes a long way so the hour it takes is time well spent. Moved on to cleaning the car following which remains utterly frivolous with the cuntiest, dustiest construction site just down the road undoing everything moments after its done. Then it was beach time. A few good hours frolicking in other people piss hoping not to be eaten by a shark mixed with tanning and trying to perv on girls despite being blocked with some inconsiderate wankers' beach tent. No shit we arrived, dropped towels and walked to the water only to come back 20 minutes later to find a giant Aussie flag-emblazoned beach tent barely a metre away. Stopped for a beachside burger on the way home, relaxed for a few and took off for a coast cruise late afternoon were I just happened across a beach dance party event. Many, many scantily dressed ridiculously hot girls not afraid to show it. Long story short - the next one is in about a month and I'm working hard to convince friends to go with me.

Alright enough of me waffling. Good on you for reading all that... god knows I wouldn't of. With that in mind lets get on with what is a simply stellar update. They'll be talking about this one for years. Check it...

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YESSS!!! - Sad Mugshots - Live Edit - Fatty Food - Split Her - Awkward Porn - I Warned Ya - Funny Bro - Croc Attack

Accidental Anal - Jiggle Them! - Club Jerk - Rih's Nip - Throat Fuck - Pleasing - F-ing Great - Fill'er Up - Hidden

Scream Baby - U See It? - Hawk Attack - Killer Tits - Dead End - Amaza-boobs - Nude Twins - Cum Bag - I'm Sorry

A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theatre, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum". The girl replies "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Teacher asks the kids in her year 3 class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's bitch".
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de-icer, rock salt, torch with spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit, jumper leads... I looked a right twat on the bus this morning...
A girl making love to her boyfriend couldn't work out why her toes kept curling up. Then she realised her stockings were still on!
Chinese takeaway: 14 bucks. Petrol to pick it up: 2 bucks. Getting home and finding that they've forgotten one of your containers... Riceless.


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AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Poms when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for them.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.

AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in everything.

AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the BRITS, pronounce like AMERICANS.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get sex.

BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.

AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


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-You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
-You regularly use the phrase "window treatment".
-You watch the women in porn videos giving head and think "they're not doing that right".
-Your idea of getting lucky is finding Ralph Lauren sheets on sale.
-You blow entire pay cheques on gerbils and amyl nitrite.
-Your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp de-veiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer.
-You're British or French.
-You're over thirty and thinner than you were in high school.
-Your house has a gift wrapping station.
-Your Christmas decorations include dried roses or baby's breath.
-You vote Green.
-Your fantasies include prison rape.
-You know the difference between a "soundtrack" and an "original cast album".
-The only professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics, diving, and figure skating.
-You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction".
-You know what a sconce is.
-You find yourself in a public bathroom having sex with anonymous guys.
-You don't spend weekends watching sports or feel legitimate sorrow when football season ends.
-You have a pet named "Liza" "Gypsy" or "Talullah".
-You have more ties than teeth.
-You know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music.
-You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.
-You've ever watched the Miss America pageant and said "Where did she get that dress?!"
-It took you a while to realise that International Male was a catalogue.
-When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, baseball never enters your mind.
-You don't protest when someone suggests watching a romantic comedy.
-Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons. You'd rather paddle his cute little arse.
-You knows colours other than white, red, blue, green or yellow.
-You're a right-wing Evangelical Preacher who does crystal meth.
-You've ever cancelled a date because it conflicted with the Tony Awards.
-You know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon".
-Your video collection contains All About Eve, The Women, or Mommie Dearest.
-You've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance.
-You don't see anything wrong with receiving a floral arrangement.
-You've ever used the phrase "floral arrangement".
-Hugh Jackman.
-You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a surprise party.
-Your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturiser.
-You know where to find tulle really cheap.
-You can tie a bow tie on someone else.
-You chose to drive "something economical" even though you earn enough to afford a muscle car.
-You know whether Chita or Rita did the film version of West Side Story.
-Your mother calls you for decorating tips.
-The names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all.
-You have "dress" sneakers.
-You own more than two throw pillows, and they didn't come with the couch.
-You've ever seriously considered purchasing a divan.
-You chose your socks this morning to bring out your eyes.
-You use a Crate and Barrel bag as a lunch box.
-You know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died.
-Special K means something to you besides breakfast.
-You own any article of clothing with the logo "2(x)ist".
-You've ever walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men say hello to you, and not been able to recall a single face or name.
-You own a pair of kneepads yet play no organized sport.
-You've ever uttered the phrases "Get her!" "She's a mess" or "What's her problem?"
-You talk in italics.
-You've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows.
-You've wondered if Batman and Robin share a bedroom.
-You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.
-You think Lady Gaga dresses nice.
-You've ever even for a second wondered what size butt plug you'd take.
-You simply hate the colour lavender because it makes you look sallow.
-You know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt.
-You know for sure that Richard Gere isn't gay because you know a guy who slept with Gere's brother, who is gay and who swears that Richard isn't.
-When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you speed up instead of slowing down.
-Someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and all you can think of are petite picadors in tight pants.
-You require two syllables to say "please".
-Your pairs of shoes outnumber days of the week.
-Your underwear drawer is filled with nothing but Calvin Klein, in assorted styles and colours.
-You save the packaging materials from said Calvin Klein purchases.
-At eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat.
-You've ever, while walking down the street, executed an impromptu series of grande jetttes.
-You've ever felt guilty at being attracted to someone as homophobic as Mel Gibson.
-You know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common.
-You display in any public form a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David.
-You've routinely trim your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger.
-You've ever sighed with jealousy at the sight of a starlet in a feather boa.
-You take a size-13 pump.
-You own chaps not for a joke.
-You've often had a "beard" but never had facial hair.
-The last time you put on a floor-length organdy ball gown, you first had to shave your chest.
-By the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you've given every other passenger a "fashion score".
-You'd sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a work-out ensemble that just didn't match.
-You're the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges.
-You can think of more than five uses for a doily.
-Whenever you hear the name "Christina" you get the urge to shout "Bring me the axe!"
-You're currently wearing a studded, leather ring approximately 3 inches in diameter, but no one can see it.
-You know who Dorothy Gale is.
-You've ever spontaneously quoted any of the lines from Auntie Mame.
-You've ever run a red light because you were too busy thinking about what you were going to wear to the White Party.
-You've ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket".
-Grindr is your favourite app.
-You've ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!" and your name isn't Mary.
-You can tell on sight the difference between a salchow and a triple lutz.
-You've sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation.
-You're the only one in the class picture wearing spats and an ascot.
-You used adverbs before the age of two.
-You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your birthday.
-You can give directions to the nearest "glory hole".
-You got busted at school because your shorts 'revealed' too much.
-The idea of a car-parts store called "The Rim Guys" makes you giggle.
-You have more friends named Richard, Steven, and Bradley than Rich, Steve, and Brad.
-The last time you danced at a wedding, you accidentally started to follow.
-You have a "Hot stuff coming through" sticker on your car.
-You've ever introduced someone as your "partner" and you're not in business together.
-You've ever sent anything in black latex as a gift.
-You've ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum towel" instead.
-You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember that the players had some of the roundest arses you've ever seen.
-You regularly slap other men on the butt, but don't coach a football team.
-Your dog is smaller than a bread box.
-To you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous".
-At the gym you spend more time in the shower than on the Stairmaster.
-You've ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting.
-You're eager to instead of grossed out by "tossing the salad".
-You've ever said "Look at the tits on her!" and there were no women anywhere in sight.
-You've been to "The Mineshaft" but you weren't digging for coal.
-You have sex with men.


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A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say "You foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop". So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel".

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.

The husband "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied "Why don't you see for yourself?"

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!"


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A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews".

The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations".

Suddenly a little old Jew man stood up in the back of the room and said "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, read it again..... it says:



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One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked. "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman". Much to their surprise the young lady overheard their remark, turned around and replied. "I will take you up on that offer".

She had a neat appearance and pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning as he prepared to leave the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125. I'll sue you for it". He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds".

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it would be interesting to see how her case will be presented.

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows. "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".

The defendant's lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case.  Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

"Your honour" he said "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore, ask that the judgement not be granted.

The young lady's lawyer answered. "Your honour, My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not know the well existed, he would never have rented the property, Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property less desirable to others... we therefore, ask that the judgement be granted.

In the judge's decision, he provided for the two options. "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages".

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? It'll be back next week, maybe the week after, so just click here and do eeeet!!

Bobby walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

Bobby says "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"


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Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin out in the sticks. So they caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of the city the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.

Sven said to Lena "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied "No. I vant to wait till ve get to ze cabin".

Eventually, the repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said "No. I vant to wait till ve get to ze cabin!"

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven "I tink ve should go into ze voods and do it".

Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over!"


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St. Peter and St. Paul are sitting in the staff room in Heaven sharing a cigarette with looks of despair on their faces.

St. Paul complained "Peter, I am so bored". "You're Bored?? All I do is stand at those pearly-fucking-gates, say yep you're in or no bugger off sinner. That's it for nearly 2000 years!" grumbled Peter.

Jesus strolls in whistling to himself and asks "Hiya boys, wassup?" Paul replied "We're bored J, we don't got nothing to do but be saintly". Jesus says "I've been thinking the same thing so I went to Pops and asked him if we could have one day of sin downstairs for all the good work we done, and he said yep. We get one day every 2000 years. So I've booked tickets for the Ministry of Sound nightclub in London and 3 hotel rooms in the Hilton Hotel. We'll go down, dance and get our hands on some pussy and screw them all night in our rooms".

Peter laughed "Way to go J, and I'll tell you what. We'll all meet up here at noon tomorrow and tell each other all about it. Have something to talk about for the next 2000 years".

They all agree, so off they go.

Their heavenly auras attract the women like flies and we leave them winking at each other as they turn the keys in the hotel room doors.

Next day, Peter is sitting down humming to himself back in God's staff room when Paul materialises with a massive smile on his face. "Go on, what happened?" says Peter "You can tell J when he gets here". "Well, she didn't mess about. She just dropped her dress, and was naked underneath, did a handstand and started sucking me off while I ate her and it carried on from there..."

"Nice one" said Peter "it was different for me, when she undressed she had PVC crotchless panties on, and whips and chains in her purse. I never new pain could be so pleasurable".

All of a sudden Jesus appeared with a face full of gloom and anger.

"What's up J?" they asked. "I don't want to talk about it" Jesus scowled. "You've got to, we made a pact and the day of sin is now over so fess up!" argued Peter and Paul. "All right then, it started out great. She was so beautiful and when she undressed she was wearing small, white silk underwear to compliment her deep tan. She peeled off her clothes seductively, to really turn me on".

"Yes, Yes...?" the two panted. "Then she came over and kissed me deeply, moaning as my hands moved over her pert breasts, my hand wandered down to the gash between her legs..." "Yeah... AND!?" "And it fucking healed up didn't it!" shouted Jesus.


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A couple are in the maternity ward of the hospital, waiting to see their first born child. The doctor comes in and says "I have some bad news for you. Your child has been born with severe deformities".

The mother looks at the doctor and says "Does he have legs?" "Well" replied the doc "It's worse than that".

The mother asks "Does he have arms?" "Well" replied the doctor "It's worse than that. I think you had better come and see for yourself".

The doctor takes the couple to the intensive care ward, and there, lying all by itself on a bed, is a massive eye.

"Here is your child" the doc says "I told you it was severe. All there is of him is an eye".

The father replies "Well we will love him anyway!"

"That's not the worst news..." the doc said "It's blind!"


Let's keep this brief.

-Check out the site archives. Every single update, video, boobie, random shite, joke, whatever since Jesus was a kid all neatly arranged for your viewing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't ask why.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fling his excrement at you; not unlike an ape would.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.01.16-19.29

Welcome to Orsm.net. You come at the king, you best not miss.

The best thing about this week is that I can now officially tell people that sometime around the middle of this year there's going to be a little baby Orsm popping out. All very exciting, if not a little bit scary but am definitely looking forward to what's ahead. The funny thing is that with just about all my peers already having one or more rug rats, I never really understood or even thought about what goes on in those first few months... especially if you want to abide by the superstitions or conventions or whatever you want to call them. Forget all the fears you naturally have, the planning you must do and how your lifestyle and routine changes immediately, the biggest mindfuck is controlling the story.

As far as I'm concerned its your news to tell, you only ever get to do it once and no one should mess with that. Sounds simple enough but holy fucking crap it gets political. You should tell this person because they told you but not the person you want to because they have a big mouth. And so on. We had a plan of when and how we'd like to tell various loved ones but before that it became necessary to tell a few people because it would have been impossible to conceal otherwise. Then news starts to slip out and I begin to imagine the shit storm if nearest and dearest find out via some random posting congrats on Facebook. And on it has gone until a few days ago - we had the 12 week scan which confirmed "everything looks perfect" so finally we can let everyone know. The reaction has been great, particularly from those who pretended they didn't already know...

As for me being a dad - well god knows I'm not perfect but hopefully I can chill out and not be a total dick and hopefully I'll understand when the person I created does what makes them happy, not what makes me happy. Beyond that I'm okay with gay or religious or whatever... but I'll be devastated if the little he or she becomes a hipster.

Moving on. This is turning out to be kind of a weird summer. I pined through the cooler months for unrelenting, debilitating heat that would make for endless complaining. Unfortunately though it mostly just hasn't got there. And that's probably why last weekend was just so awesome. The forecast for Saturday was 44°C with Sunday more of the same. Anyway we got moving early - started with a chiropractic visit and moved on to various stores returning unwanted Xmas gifts and unused hardware I'd bought for the house. Next was to the house and a meeting with all the stakeholders to sign off on the external colour choices which, of course, ended in a storm-off [not by me]. Next, headed homeward to get our shit together before heading to the beach. Shit was pretty much roasting by that point and I found it surprising that parking was so easy to come by - beaches were full, carparks were not. Still can't work out where everyone goes during the hottest part of the day...?

Home again a few hours later and a little sunburnt but extremely satisfied after enjoying some of the most epically hot girls imaginable. Next on the agenda was an hour long trip south to Mandurah to go visiting. Not my ideal way to spend a summers day but the car is air-conditioned and comfortable in the [according to the car] now 46°C [115°F] heat. Upon arriving it was immediately off to a pub for a few beers and then dinnering at a steakhouse which didn't fail to disappoint before jumping back in the car and returning home. So what on face value seemed like a waste of hot weather turned out to be pretty good because beer.

We were back at the beach by 10am on Sunday. This time taking closer to half an hour to find parking but the bikini quality remained the same - every turn of the head is a bounty for the eyes. Three of us were along this time and we all ended up pretty badly sunburnt but was totally worth it. We stopped to nom some noodles on the way home then just hung out for the afternoon with a quick cruise along the coast to round out the day. Honestly that was about as perfect a weekend as they come and much to my delight it looks like more of the same this one coming.

Alllllright. Time to get on with the rest of the update. This fucker consumed an unprecedented amount of hours and will definitely keep you guys busy for a while so without any more crapping on in the form of boring sentences... check it...

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Hula Hotness - Sex Crimes - Cool Secrets - Not So Tough - Max Hardcore - Losing A Bet - This IS Art? - Shameless

Prenatal Fail - So Happy - Heartbroken - Fingerbang - Insane!! - Hippie Boobs - Perfection - Bizarre - Bad Cop

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I was given some really good financial news today. The little black orphan I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram home!
Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, man you look tired. The buddy says "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do!" A fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit...!!!"
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, female juices. "But you're balder than I am!" protested the customer. "True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fuckin' business".


Ashley Madison - Have an affair. Married Dating, Affairs, Married Women, Extramarital Affair


ALTERNATIVE CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.

ANARCHO-INDIVIDUALISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.

ANARCHO-CHRISTIANISM: You have two cows. God takes care of them and gives you the milk.

ANOMIE: You have two cows. Your neighbour on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbour takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST [VISUAL]: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

AUSTRALIA: You have two cows. They arrived illegally by boat.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are both mad. They both have bad teeth. You try to sell them in Europe.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk.

CAPITALISM [SWEDISH]: You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.

CAPITALISM [JAPANESE]: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

CAPITALISM [SWISS]: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

CAPITALISM [WALL STREET]: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

CAPITALISM [ITALIAN]: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around looking for the cows, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

CAPITALISM [FRENCH]: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

CAPITALISM [DEMOCRAT]: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

CAPITALISM [REPUBLICAN]: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

COOPERATION: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one of yours, a free gift from your government.

CHRISTIAN-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour. Then you covet it.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government orders you to drink their milk.

EDUCATIONALISM: You have two cows. You pay for them to go to university. They come home as philosophy graduates and want to debate "The Morality Of Milk In A Cross-Species Society". Giving milk is now beneath their station in life anyway.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows". You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

EUGENISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FAMILISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They refuse to wear bras.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

INDIA: You have two cows. You worship them.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour. He then steals your cow and kills you.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

LAWYERISM: You see two cows and note that their milk has not been labelled "Contains lactose". You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for $1M. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five dollars each. You get the rest and call it a victory for innocent milk drinkers.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MEXICO: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

MONARCHISM: You have two cows. You give some milk to the King/Queen.

NAZISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

NIHILISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of no specified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

REALISATIONALISM: You have two cows. They are for their calves, their milk was never meant for human consumption.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

SOCIALISM [BUREAUCRATIC]: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TALIBANISM: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.

TOTATITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

THEOCRACY: You have two cows. The priest takes all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

UTOPIANISM: You have two cows. Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.


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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says "Pierre, kiss me lower". Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"


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Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will KILL me".  His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a hard time.  "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket".

She looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty dollars...?" "Ah, yes" says the man. "He shit in my trousers too..."


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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke". She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay" she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say "Huh?"

She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers". She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says "Luke?" Luke says "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me, neither" says Jed "Let's take these things off".


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I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's licence back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate.

But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner. On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA dickhead), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the "ALA" (Authorised Landing Area), is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the "ALA" and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off, because at the halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.

For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd.

After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves, like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground! So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know.

However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight. Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on "All tanks" so I suppose that's okay.

However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought "not the starboard wheel chock again!". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble" I thought...

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the "ALA" and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point and then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Now take it easy Ron" I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it". I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly.

At this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days) I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting FAX access out here is a friggin' joke and the weather is always "8/8 blue" anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that.

Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards. We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron, was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500-feet down to 500-feet at 130, knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate!

About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid-air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight, but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the feral position and was screaming' his freakin' head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny! At about 500-feet I levelled out, but for some reason we kept sinking.

When we reached 50-feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carb heat, carb heat". So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now).

Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it easy" I told him "we'll be out of this in a minute". Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50-feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing". This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!" I thought "there's an omen. We'll land right there". Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up. But by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75-foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong!

Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter.

I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger!

Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my "privileges to fly" until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flaming' license. Can you?

Ralph H. Bell
Mud Creek Station

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-Want to contribute to Reader Mail? It'll be back any week now so if you'd like to contrute just click here and do eeeet!!-

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news" God said. Adam looked at God and said "Well, give me the good news first". Smiling, God explained "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children".

Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability?" Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was... well, good.

"Fine" God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."


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I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!


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A husband walks into Victoria Secrets to purchase a sheer negligee for his Wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy) "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself".

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The Husband says "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral next Tuesday at noon. Closed coffin.


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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order..."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!


Now just this...

-Check out the site archives. Have you done it yet?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Because that's the way its ALWAYS been done.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will something whatever without a shred of you know what...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try and remember that its not all about you [its about me!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.01.09-19.45

Welcome to Orsm.net. Abe Froman?

The year seems to have started pretty well. I mention this because the last couple of Januarys have had that utter cuntedness about them... don't really remember why now but I'm sure reading back over the archives may jog a few memories. Or not. What is still fresh in mind however is the last few weeks and hopefully that's enough to fill the space. Let's try and do this in elaborated point form shall we...

I CAN HARDLY BEARD IT: I'm not really a facial hair guy and especially in these days of dirty hipster beards the idea is even less appealing. There's also the GF factor - even a few day growth brings a litany of complaints about being 'prickly' but hit holidays and I decided I just didn't want to shave. Soon there was a flourishing beard covering my handsome face. Ironic considering the male pattern baldness which kicked in a few years back. Actually didn't look that bad but came with some fairly heartbreaking realisations: 1. I grow hair a LOT faster than I used to and that isn't okay. 2. Under my neck, an area which is shaved regularly, I spotted my first grey hair... and the longer the beard got the more have been revealed. 3. Grey isn't the only colour going on - there's brown, blonde, black and maybe even... some slightly redness. Remember that Dave Chappelle skit where he's the KKK leader who doesn't know he's black? Same shit. 4. The realisation that lucky I'm in a relationship because at this point it would be impossible to find someone who's into fat, hairy, bald and greying gingers...

NO PS3 FOR ME: have been thinking about getting one for a while. The problem is tend to limit my game playing to over the holidays only so spending a lot if wasteful but spotting PS3's advertised for $199 WHILE I was on holidays, it seemed the decision was made for me. So I zip down there a few days before Xmas and ask the sales girl to hook me up. Half an hour later she's talked me into the upgraded package, extra controller, a couple of games, even the extended warranty. I walked out of there my wallet $450 lighter and buyer's remorse set in before I even made it back to the car. Its currently sitting unopened in the kitchen waiting to be returned. The game crave was ultimately satisfied with the PC version of Prototype II which was on sale for about $15. #cheapskate

STAY IN TOUCH OKAY: close to 800 mostly unread emails sitting in my inbox. Trying to muster the courage to sort through them all but its tough ya know? I notice there's a whole bunch following last updates reader mail dump; people apparently choosing to ignore the bit where I said "What you're about to consume is 100% completely unverified nor fact checked in any way".

I AM A CABLING GOD: timing could not have worked out any better to run the network cabling through the houses. The roof went on just before Xmas but ceilings are still a way off which made for easy access. Still managed to consume 4.5 days of my break getting everything wired and in that time climbed up and down the ladder a few hundred times, chased out and conduited walls, spent far too many hours trying to pull cables through cavities and in the end had used around 600 metres [~2000 feet] of CAT6 on 28 runs, each terminating in a central location. There's still a crapload to be done plus an interconnect between the houses but I've learnt and practiced enough now it shouldn't be too hard...

MERRY SOMETHING: my lead up to the 25th was relaxed. Had all my present buying sorted weeks in advance... and that's because I only had one person to buy for. All other gift obligations took care of themselves. Look what I'm trying to say is bitches love to shop. This meant the only reason for me to go anywhere near a shopping centre was for last minute groceries where I found it interesting chatting to checkout operators - none could understand why people were 'going feral' because, after all, the shops are only closed for one day. The fact that people are hosting large lunch or dinners, are home from work, have the kids home from school and don't want to go near the shops for as long as possible after Xmas apparently not valid reasons for supermarkets being busy. As for my Xmas day - lunch with immediate fam at my parents place then dinner at ours with not my side. Very low key and mostly relaxing day.

HAPPY SOMETHING: not to whinge/bitch/complain/moan but New Year's was probably the worst one I've had since discovering alcohol. Had a few options but none really appealed + besties either working or not around. The two of us ended up heading out for dinner then into the city for a couple of drinks. Home by just after 1 I fell asleep half-drunk watching The Wire. It doesn't get any more lame.

CRICKET: I'll be the first to admit I'm a huge cricket fan... when the Aussies are winning and thanks to the Poms, my support has been off the charts lately. Seriously though its been a good few weeks and have thoroughly enjoyed sitting in front of the TV watching wickets fall one after another whilst sitting at the computer giving my files a very, very long overdue clean-up. Have gotten better with backups over the years but things have now gone the other way and I've completely lost track. The photos on my phone for example - rather than sensibly manage the images I usually just create a new directory on my PC called IPHONE 2013 12 or whatever the date was and copy everything across. Eventually you end up with 15,000 images using 32 gigabytes of hard drive space of which 10,000 images 22 gigabytes are duplicates and that is backed up on two other devices. Funny to think that the hard drive in my first computer was 8.4 gigabytes and that was a big deal at the time.

Well that all went way longer than I expected. Never knew I had so much waffle in me. Ha. Who am I kidding? Of course I did. Anyway let us now move on to a brand new update that will leave you feeling more tickled than a fat kid finding a huge pack of M&M's in the back of the pantry. Check it...

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Spasticated - Skimmed - Yeah... Nahh - Don't Huff - Srs Cmltoe - Fap-worthy - BRAT - Miley Nip! - 2013 In Boobs

Double Dick - Regret - Sexy Cowgirl - Surely Not - Tight Vaj - Had To Hurt - You're Fired - Uncensored - Oh FFS

Actual Idiots - No Whores - Tantilising - Buckets - Reflexes - Sweet Teen - Tila Sextape - Myth Busted - Jet Crash

The English cricket team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...
A young man is sitting in a taxi when he receives a text message from his girlfriend asking "Sex tonight?" He quickly types "Yes" Then a thief sticks his hand into the taxi and snatches the phone from the young man. The Young man gets out of the car and runs after the thief shouting "PRESS SEND! PRESS SEND!!"
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brothers. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed".
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tyre of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule".



MOST MILK SQUIRTED OUT OF AN EYE: In 2004, Turkish man Mehmet Yilmaz squirted milk from his eye into a coffee cup at a distance of 2 meters and 70 centimetres, setting a bizarre new World Record. Mr Yilmaz, 28, has mastered the discipline of eye-squirting - sucking milk through the nose into the eye before squirting it out across a table.

LONGEST PUBES: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

WORLD'S LARGEST TUMOUR EVER REMOVED: In August 2010, doctors removed a tumour weighing nearly 24 kilos, or 56 pounds. The huge growth was taken out of the 54-year-old's womb during a four-hour operation at a hospital near the capital, Buenos Aires.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH: Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

MOST COCKROACHES EATEN: A retired rat catcher and part-time entertainer, Ken Edwards of Glossop, Derbyshire, England, ate 36 cockroaches in one minute on the set of "The Big Breakfast" on March 5, 2001.

ZITS: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

HEAVIEST WEIGHT LIFTED WITH TONGUE: Briton Thomas Blackthorne has beaten his own Guinness Record by lifting a big steel-framed Perspex box full of pasta - with his tongue! The record attempt was in Rome on the show "Circo Massimo" which is the reason for the pasta. The box weighed 12 kilos, 26 and a half pounds.

WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST COW BRAINS EATEN: Famous Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi held the world record of hot dog eating for nearly six years, and holds several other eating records, while ranking third in the world for competitive eating. That alone should give him a place in our list, but one of the most impressive records he holds has to do with cow brains: he ate 17.7 pounds of then in 15 minutes.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

LOUDEST FEMALE BURP: The loudest burp measured from a distance of 2.5 m (8 ft 2 in) and 1 m (3 ft 3in) high, read 104.75 dB on a certified and calibrated class 1 precision measuring noise level meter, was achieved by Jodie Parks (USA) on the set of Lo show dei record, in Madrid, Spain, in 2008.

LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2hr 12mins which was officially measured at 12ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

LARGEST OBJECT REMOVED FROM HUMAN SKULL: In 1998, while he was at a friend's residence in Jacksonville, Florida, an unknown assailant stabbed Michael Hill in the head and left, presuming that his target would lay down and die like a normal human being. Instead, he wandered down the street to another friend's house to get help with an 8 inch survival knife still embedded in his grey matter. Despite the large knife penetrating his brain, Hill was conscious and responsive when arrived at the hospital. Four hours after he arrived the knife was removed. Hill survived without even an infection and within seven days was discharged from the hospital, although the knife had caused permanent damage to his memory and paralysed his left hand. He now has occasional headaches and needs medication to prevent seizures.

MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

MOST MAGGOTS MOVED BY THE MOUTH IN ONE HOUR: Charlie Bell, a former steel worker, smashed the world record for "most amount of maggots moved by the mouth in one hour". Bell reportedly carried two square foot of live maggots in one hour from one container to another using only his mouth. The-35-year-old from Leyton, East London, admitted "It was disgusting".

MOST SPIDERS ON A BODY FOR 30 SECONDS: Tom Buchanan, an Australian kid, claimed the world record for having the most spiders on his body for 30 seconds. He had 125 Golden Orb spiders on his body for a total of 55 seconds. Golden Orb spiders are not poisonous but they do bite and can make your body swell up.

MOST FEET SNIFFED: Madeline Albrecht of Cincinnati, Ohio, knew she was set for greatness when she was hired by the Hill Top Research Laboratories, a testing lab for Dr Scholl's. Her job was to sniff feet and armpits which she did for a smelly 15 years. During her aromatic career, Madeline Albrecht sniffed an estimated 5,600 feet and an unknown amount of armpits.


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All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants". Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers". A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as... "Mr President".


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An Indian, a Black, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on Aussie beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece.

Pointing at the Black, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish".

The Black thought for a moment then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them away from this white suppression".

POOF! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

POOF! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah".

POOF! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"

The Australian watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said "Just give me a beer. It doesn't get any better than this!"


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Michael and Gary got married in California. They couldn't afford a real honeymoon so they drive back to Michael's mum and dad's house in Portland, Oregon for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Michael and Gary are up yet. She replies "No".

Johnny asks "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Michael and Gary up yet?" She replies "No".

Johnny says "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!"

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Michael and Gary up yet?" His mum says "No". He asks "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Okay tell me what you think".

He says "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my model airplane glue by mistake.


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According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses!)

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required, and how he cleaned off the lipstick marks every night.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators!


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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol: Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil: Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said... "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

"Of course I won't laugh" said the Nurse to the patient "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" Bob replied. She ran out of the room.


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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience".

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost". The student stops mid-aisle and stammers "Ghost?!? I thought you said GOATS!"


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We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps on the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination!" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross" says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts "Hey you little fuckin' bastard, get the fuck off the car!"


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It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny, near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa, was an Aboriginal called Cactus. He was having a few beers as usual when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered "Do you want a blow job?" Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened, the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?" "I don't know" Cactus replied... "Something about a job".


Well that's me done.

-Check out the site archives. You'll be glad I told you what to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Worth stopping by if you liked the one you just inhaled.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will report you to the Internet Police.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Shirley, you can't be serious? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.01.02-16.58

Welcome to Orsm.net. Always know how you're being ironic.

Probably safe to say this is the I don't want to be back here yet update but unfortunately the weather hasn't been roasting hot like I'd hoped so no beach action required and most anyone I'd be happy hanging out with are at work or away or not talking to me or whatever. Long story short - didn't seem like much point scamming more days to do nothing when I could be pumping out something to keep you guys occupied for a few. So here I are.

The best bit though is I'm going to cut the blog bit this week [hurrah!] because what's below is kind of substantial and I kind of CBF. Will more than make up for it next Thursday - there's been plenty happening and there's probably a better chance of me being motivated to write about it. Until then however... go forth and enjoy what is without question the very best update of the year thus far. Check it...

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Gym-tarded - The Moves - Curvaceous - Steady As! - Wet Herself! - Nip Slip - Porn Newbie - Mud Slut - Beach Babes

SLAPS - BJ Train - MILF Sex - Drift Strike - SO Cunning - Bye Bra - Split'er - The Absurdity - Thick Dick - Sweet 18

Mad Aussie - Perfect Bod - Saddest Facial - Blow Twice - Start Young - Unfknblvbl - Diving Nude - Perp Down

A guy is watching TV when he hears a knock at the front door. He goes and opens it, but looks around and sees nobody. By chance, he looks down at his feet and sees a small snail staring back up at him. He kicks the snail clear off the front porch and into the front yard and slams the door shut. Two years later, the same man watching TV hears a knock at the front door. He goes and opens it, but looks around and sees nobody. He looks down at his feet and sees the snail staring back up at him. The snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?"
I was worried about taking on a new dyslexic secretary but it's worked out great, she gave me the best blowjob of my life this morning, just after I sent her an e-mail asking if she would sack my cook.
A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes: I want my husband to have eyes only for me; I want to be the only one in his life; I want him to sleep always by my side; I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes. So the Genie turned her into an iPhone...!!
A first grade class comes in from recess. Ms Goldstein the teacher asks Sarah "What did you do at recess?" Sarah says "I played in the sand box". Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says "I played with Sarah in the sand box". Ms Goldstein says "Good. If you write 'box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". Morris does and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess. He says "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me". Ms Goldstein says "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant inter-racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant interracial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie".


Ashley Madison - Have an affair. Married Dating, Affairs, Married Women, Extramarital Affair


This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the centre of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armoured truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.


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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days". "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?" The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse". The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse... but I will still kill you in two days".

"What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents... but I will still kill you tomorrow".

"What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone". The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says "Listen very carefully!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... BRING POSSE... NOT PUSSY!"


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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Norman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Ethel to keep her full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after I retired working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


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The first-update-in-January-Reader-Mail-dump has become an annual event whereby I post ALL the leftover submissions from the year before. Why they didn't they end up in update before now usually has more to do with space limitations than anything but rather than just delete, they get rolled out now so it looks like I've done a huge update...

What you're about to consume is 100% completely unverified nor fact checked in any way. Sure, that's how things usually roll around here anyway but the emails below could have hit my inbox anytime in the last 12 months so shit may not make sense or be out of context or whatever. It's just a dump. Check it...

Kirum wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Spiderman's Nupitals
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Atomic wedgie
Friend on Facebook posted this little gem. Not sure if it's a new trend - I can't keep up with fashion these days. Keep up the orsm work. Hide deets.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Talk about a tragedy --read it and weep
The most RACIST administration in the history of the United States of America continue to overlook the obvious: The animals pictured below car-jacked then raped Christopher Newsom, cut off his penis, set him on fire and fatally shot him several times while they forced his girlfriend, Channon Christian, to watch. An even more cruel fate awaited her! Channon Christian was beaten and gang-raped in many ways for four days by all of them, while they took turns urinating on her. They cut off her breasts and put chemicals in her mouth... and then murdered her. SO!!!!! Where's Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson? Are they providing counsel and help to the families of the victims? Of course not - the victims were white. Why hasn't this received National coverage by the news media like the Trayvon Martin case in Florida? Oh, that's right - the victims were white. Why hasn't the NAACP, ACLU, New York Times etc., called for an investigation? Must be cause the victims were white. Why hasn't the FBI been called in to investigate this as a hate crime? Oh, that's right - the victims were white. So, if a white radio shock jock uses the phrase 'Nappy headed'Ho, it gets 2 weeks of constant news coverage. If two white people are tortured, raped, and murdered by a group of black people, it barely gets a blip in the news.

Terry wrote:
Subject: Happy Hour in Bangkok
Beats the shit outta chicken wings!
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: More Korean random
Caution Mr. Orsm, CONTRNTS are HOT!!! This lid is from my local coffee shop. As always, please hide my email address.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Why can't I get a job.?
Brings a new meaning to the term "DICKHEAD"!
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Clinical Test - What Are These Women Experiencing?
See if you can solve this one. Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing.... They are all about to sneeze! And by the way......
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Jd wrote:
Subject: A Tragedy that needs to be known!! Attention: GRAPHIC PICTURE
This is really SHOCKING and it is being swept under the table by the world wide media which already is under the control of the NWO! This is a brutal example of how far the struggle between muslims and Christians in Nigeria has reached. Muslims are determined to impose their 'religion' all over Africa as well as in other continents and countries of the world. Islam has but one goal: rule the world at any cost! And where are the International Human Rights Organizations? Christians are burnt alive in Nigeria: a horrific Holocaust right in front of International indifference!
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
God's promise to man ...
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R.W. wrote:
Subject: Why Men can't Play Football with Women
I think it's a concentration problem !!
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: A pic for the site
I saw this and thought that the Australians can appreciate the gun free that America is trying to replicate!!
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Vegas
Awesome site mate. Love it! Came across this place in Old Vegas last year. 350lbs in weight? Free feed here!
Bill wrote:
Subject: new breed of humans found!
Now we know! It's a new breed of young human beings! They are referred to as "homo slackass-erectus" created by natural genetic evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause a shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.
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wade wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Gotta love the WTFdept!!! Lol
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: A Kiwi Muslim
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today. He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Can You Name This Tool?
Thought you would enjoy this educational moment in Canadian history Can you name this strange old tool? OK, give up? Tobacco Smoke Enemas (1750 - 1810). The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims. A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke inside the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration, but doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase Blowing Smoke up One's Ass.

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Chuck wrote:
Subject: License plate with Shut The Fuck Up initials STFU.
Saw this Truck cruising on Highway 202 in Astoria, Oregon the censor must have missed it! Looked like they were lost so I guess telling everybody to shut the fuck up doesn't get you great directions!
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Jd wrote:
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures
Here are two more.. First is in a steak house, a little buckaroo is holding an oddly shaped saddle horn. Second: We were on a tour of San Francisco saw this Iron man on a lawn. Only in S.F.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Freaky
Look at the 3 cards top right and ad at bottom. Hide deets
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dandenong car mods
Love the site, thought you'd love this. Shit box complete with duct tape racing stripes. Hide details cheers.
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Pacific Wave wrote:
High Fashion in the Mosques. That's OK, just don't burn or deface the Koran or draw a picture of Mohamed!! Every day shirts like this are mass produced, marketed and sold by street vendors throughout the Middle East and it's simply OK. The mass-murder of 9-11 is a celebrated event by millions of Muslim people. Funny how racism and offending other races only applies to whites and non Muslims!
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RR147HP wrote:
Subject: P.O.S. at Jersey Gardens Mall..
Who steals an old beat up Chrysler with so many Nicer rides around it?
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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Ahhh refreshing
Refreshing doe's anyone want one?
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Jd wrote:
Subject: South Africa's Petrol price increased by 81 cents
Petrol price increased 81 cents yesterday & is expected to rise more next month. I strongly recommend that you read this carefully and start looking for cheaper transport now. Please select......
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Brian wrote:
Subject: History Of Condoms
Condoms throughout the ages.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: You gotta try this!
Well, I'm busted, how about you???
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Michael wrote:
Subject: PBA
Another gem from the PBA (Philippines Basketbal Association)!
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Something clean...
Always read washing instructions
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
G'day bloke, As per normal withhold details. Spotted this sign on the wet mess at the mining camp opposite Moranbah airport. Typical mining mumbo jumbo and double speak

Robert wrote:
Subject: I'm insured with Allah
Hello, I saw this car in Perth last week. With Allah on your side you don't need insurance. I hope you can use it.
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Castles Don't Have Phones, Asshole...
Rocky Horror Picture Show fans will get a kick out of this.
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Hopeful Pic for your site
Just got back from New York City while there thought I would check out Rikers Island Prison took the attached photo - you gotta love the Rikers Island Motto
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Luke wrote:
Subject: Rip-off Merchants
G'day Mate. Love your work. I thought you might be interested in this intentionally misleading packaging care of the fuckwits at "Luv-A-Duck". Cheers
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George wrote:
Subject: Miley Cyrus pic
Please feel free to use if you like and are amused. When I saw this Miley Cyrus t-shirt that just came out I thought of Gozer the Destructor from Ghostbusters immediately and had to make this
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Shane wrote:
Subject: XBOX 360 rant I left on their Facebook page.
Ever since the announcement of the new XBox One, my friends and I have all agreed that the online services have suffered quite a bit. It is only $50 bucks a year, but, it is the principal of the issue. Yes, this is a drunken post. Keep in mind, I have absolutely no shame or remorse for my actions. Including that time I shagged my mother in-law, my aunt-inlaw, my sister-inlaw, my cousin, my grandmother really does squirt, 1 sister, 3 family pets and a partridge in a pear tree.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN -WARNING GRAPIC- Don't you just LOVE Muslims
I Feel Australian Immigration should see this so they know what they are dealing with and who to let in to Australia this is the worst thing I have ever seen. you may not want to see it. The photo below is shocking. This is the real face of SHARIA. WHAT WAS HER CRIME? SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN. SHE WAS ATTACKED - RAPED BY ABOUT 20 MUSLIMS AND AFTERWARDS MURDERED IN SYRIA.
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Dave wrote:
Subject: fuckt if i know how this popped up
7.99 TB..??? ..it just happened,,not doct.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: I couldn't shoot
I had him in my sights, ....but I just couldn't pull the trigger! And then I thought, "fuck it - that's how I'd wanna go!"
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Brian wrote:
Subject: How I got shot!!
...and she says to me, "I'm only going to ask you one more time, be my Valentine or else!" So I decided to take the bullet !
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Mike wrote:
Subject: New Franchise Opportunity.
For those who don't already have one. Thinking of retirement, recently retired or looking for a change in jobs? This unique employment opportunity is available for a limited time only.
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Your worst Tranny nightmare
G'day mate. regular user of ORSM. Love your work. Caught this on a European site. Not sure if you'll use it tho. Cheers
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Job creation in South Africa
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Too good not to post!
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Mike wrote:
A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control in an uncomfortable situation.
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Dr. Asif wrote:
Subject: Werd ninja
Been a follower since fuck I can't even remember. Came across this shit and thought it would be perfect for the Shite section.
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terry wrote:
Subject: Emailing
it's North American Free Trade , ain't it?
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Burka
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Brian wrote:
Subject: The great vagina
Some fun facts..
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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Trash Can Gutter Sluts Magazine. Big Fan of your website.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Vaginal Variations: We Salute Thee
This is a rendering of the different vaginal variation that women have and men have come across (or on or in). Go over each and every one and and notice have different one is to the other. The female body:something to be loved and admired in whatever shape or form.
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Wade wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Even ice has a target audience
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bitches
2 I had last year! Name less
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Brian wrote:
Those were the days when, you had an accident, you needed a good carpenter more than a mechanic! Back in the days when cars had style, and even with so many makes and models, all changing every year, they made a profit. And, not only that... You could sit on the porch and name the cars as they drove by... Unlike today... When they all look the same... This was when a car was a car!!

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Justin wrote:
Subject: Card Stacker!
Absolutely Amazing. Bryan Berg is a professional "card stacker" who builds houses of cards on a very large scale. Trained as an architect, Bryan Berg is the only known person to make a living building structures with freestanding playing cards.He uses no tape, glue, or tricks, and his method has been tested to support 660 lbs. per square foot.

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Hitler's Aircraft Carrier
In 1935, Hitler announced a plan for the Navy to acquire aircraft carriers. Two keels were laid down in 1936, and in 1938, Grand Admiral Erich Raeder produced his Plan Z, a grand scheme to build four Carriers and complete them by 1945, but in 1939 this was scaled back to just two.

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Jd wrote:
Subject: World Facts -- text & photos
Sudan has more pyramids than any other country on Earth - even more than Egypt. There are at least 223 pyramids in the Sudanese cities of Al Kurru, Nuri, Gebel Barkal and Meroë. They are generally 20 to 30 metres (65 -100 ft) high and steep sided.

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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Thinking outside the box ......
BE SURE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THE END! People who think outside the box are special!

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Have you ever seen a peacock in full flight?
This is a rare opportunity for this. We never imagined that it could be so magnificent - like a phoenix in a fairy tale! Please save and share with good friends as it is not every day we can see such beauty!!!
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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: Farrah Abraham's Dr. Phil interview stills
This bitch has got a filthy fucking mouth. Somebody should wash it out with some hot gooey man sauce, oh wait, somebody did!
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Difficult times on a pension
My friends, I've been affected by the financial situation which we all are going through. Just like you, I am struggling hard to keep going...

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Historical Pictures Amazing!
Interesting reading.

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Weird Things You Can Buy On Amazon.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The President's Vehicle
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Beyond a "nice story
During an early morning response to a house fire, Firefighters were amazed... A Mother dog risked her life to save her puppies. From the fire surrounding the burning house... The Mother dog, Amanda, raced back and forth between the house, putting her 10 day old puppies in the safest place she could find - a Fire Truck! All the firemen could do was to try to keep a little water spray on her to keep from singeing as she kept making trips running through the open door. You can see some of the singed hair on her back end, forehead and lower legs. After rescuing all of her pups from the blaze, Amanda sat down next to them to nurse, protecting them with her body. Onlookers called an emergency veterinary service, and she and her pups were rushed to the hospital. Aside from one puppy being treated for serious burns, the entire family are alive and well! Thanks to the bravery of Amanda! What a heroic mother! How Great!!
Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Amazing Flower Displays From Holland
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Jd wrote:
Subject: African sunsets
And the CancER tries to tell us that our hearts don't belong in Africa, it's our home, we originated from here, evolved and came back.
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Claim
I got this from a friend in the insurance industry..... Don;t leave you food in the car, this happened in west van. The bear was able to open the window and pul it down to get in. This happened in west van
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sandrine wrote:
Subject: He is assbat
Hi, Assbat stuffed moron!!!!!!!!!!! Bye.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
love Africa
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Do you know which city is this? Not Gaza!
Do you know which city is this? YOU MUST SEE TO BELIEVE. Do you know which city is this? ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Guess!!!!!!!!!!!. IT IS MARSEILLE, France's second largest city! And do you know what is the second language spoken in Marseille? Well, yes: the French. The first is Arabic. Gaddafi said in a speech that there was no need to invade Europe, because in 20 years Europe would be Muslim.
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Milk?
Got Milk? They sure do...
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Imperial Airways
Flying the airlines in the thirties was a lot more fun than it is now. It was more leisurely and had more class. Certain elitist and anti-British people have no time for these period "rich types". People like these, the risk takers (especially with their own money) were the backbone of the UK. They flew from the first airline operations across the Channel in 1919 [continues]

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Kirum wrote:
Subject: A Little Local Drama
Enjoy the Swahili.
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ast wrote:
Subject: budgie
The most horny budgie in the world shagging a cockatiel whilst chatting up a budgie ( great site)*
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Anal Play
The toy... This looks like it Hurt!!
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Happy to see You!
Hi ORSM. Would you be this happy if you saw me?
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

Then the drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa... you're drunk... GO HOME!!"


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.


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A mid-level blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant centre in the hope of raising his IQ by 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the centre's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive". "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars, an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand, an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars".

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain!? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea" the director asked "how many politicians we would have to kill to get an ounce?"


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We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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The Nun was teaching Sunday school and was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question "When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands". "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first". "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your legs". The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"


-Check out the site archives if you dare.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Everything may or may not be back to normal.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make your bum pregnant.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy something whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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