I've never really been one to hate banks.
I mean sure we all know that they're a big bunch of money grabbing bitches and they'll screw you at the first chance they get but my experiences with them have generally been pretty good.... until recently anyways.
About 6 weeks ago I applied for an increased credit card limit on account of the fact I use it for both personal stuff as well paying for web site hosting and whatever else goes along with that. The problem here is that even though I try and keep the damn thing balanced I continually get charged a $30 overage fee each time a big transaction goes through. Probably safe to say I've been nailed by this 3-4 times in the last few months which is just pathetic thus the need for a higher limit.
Now let it be known I wasn't asking for much - just wanted an extra couple of grand leeway to allow me some breathing space but the wankers at the bank replied back with a nice little letter saying that I would have to wait until at least 1 year had passed before they would consider it because they had a minimal credit history and as such I was a credit risk.
So anyway about a week ago I was at City Farmers buying a bag of dog food for pooch and whip out the plastic fantastic to pay for it. "Sorry sir, your card has been declined due to insufficuent funds." "What the fuck?" I ask rhetorically, "The card isn't even close to limit!". Ended up using another card and head home to check it out with net bank only to confirm what I thought - miles off limit. Call the bank.
The chick does some checking and concludes that the reason for this is due to a transaction waiting to be processed on my account. It ends up being my latest hosting bill which, once actually processed, will tip the scales and push me beyond limit again or in simpler terms another $30 debit against my good name. By this stage I've had enough and ask her what the hell I'm supposed to do because it's become a big fucking joke. "Well sir, you can apply for another credit card" she says. "Fine. Put me through to whomever I need to talk to and I'll do it over the phone."
I spend the next 10 minutes dealing with a rather helpful guy going through all the same information that the bank has asked me for a million times before and get the ball rolling. He puts me on hold for a moment while he finds out if it will be approved. A couple of minutes later he returns with the good news and goes on to tell me my new card has a limit than the current one... almost 5 times higher. You can imagine my disbelief.
Now the stupidest part of this whole thing is that the bank will not increase your credit limit for one year after getting the card. I can understand that but how come they'll happily give me a second card without hesitation and with a substantially increased limit? It's simple - by forcing me to take a second card they've just managed to extort another $90 out of me thus fattening their pockets and ensuring even fatter performance bonuses at the end of the year. God I hate banks.
There was an email posted last week from someone trying to find preggers pics of Catherine Zeta Jones. Many thanks to all of you who sent some of them my way and the rest of you can find them here.
Ever heard of Ruski & Bunny? It's a very funny and original online comic strip done by a couple of Aussie guy's. I've actually been meaning to link it for a while now but keep forgetting. Anyway I logged on this morning to see a note hinting it may be discontinued which is why I want ALL of you guys to go check it out... so click here!
Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.
I'm assuming most of you guys are here for porn right? Well allow me to point you in the direction of this fine page. Banner free, bull shit free and no bloody no pop-ups! Just links to the finest free porn you can find on the web! Check it here.
Advice Asshole is back albeit with only a couple of lifes tough questions to answer. If you need help then you've come to the right place! Check out his thoughts here.
Marriage According To Kids - Super Heating - Shaggers Diary - Travelling Qantas? - Pimpin' Prom - Tasty MILF's
How To Kill A BMW - Heavy Seas - Hit Ctrl-A - 59 Ways - Amazing Naked Women - New Prycless
This little thing has been emailed to me over 1.9 million times now...
Go to www.google.com and type in weapons of mass destruction and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button instead of search and see what comes up!! Read
the message carefully!
in the Holly shoot features Brentons kick ass EB GT... sweet little car and even better in the flesh. This should keep the Ford boys and girls happy!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..." Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear "Clean...my...house."
A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Defiance, Self-raising", isn't it?"
David's ribs will heal in a few weeks.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.
I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"
"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the gents." "How so?" I asked. "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?" Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works about sex, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?" Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
Three rugby fans were on their way to the State of Origin game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the fan from Brisbane took off his Queensland cap and placed it over her right breast. The second Queensland fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the lone NSW fan took off his Blues cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the first Queensland cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the second Queensland cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the NSW cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The NSW fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am surprised. Normally when I look under a NSW hat, I find an arsehole".
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.
The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 000, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up booze, gambling, and golf."
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
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Justin M wrote:
Subject: The Internet - not joke a personal comment
I have been watching your site over about 6 months now. I look forward to it being updated I even read your comments up the top. I don't usually email people and say "hey nice site" or bullshit like that but I have to agree with your feelings in this weeks episode about the Internet being boring. I think its wider than the internet, I think the whole IT scene is boring. I work for a very large IT company (I think its the second largest hmmm wonder who it is :-) ) and man, is it ever boring, ohhh wow look a new faster CDROM, or ohhh a 4 billion mega pixel camera, this stuff no longer shakes my tree. I wonder if we are suffering information overload, once you see a chick insert a peach, or someone build a custom car out of this world you see it all. It all needs a good kick up the ass or are we over crazy people we never knew existed ?
Subject: aerial photos, most are real!
i saw the aerial photos you posted, and id like to tell you that most are real. as far as im concerned, images 4-8 are fake... but i know for sure the others are real. they are by a photographer named yann arthus-bertrand. he did a big collection of photos that were all aerial shots. ill tell you the website, so you can stop reading here if you dont want to hear my story of how i found these photos. http://www.yannarthusbertrand.com
In case you ARE interested, I was on a vacation in london and i was visiting this james bond exhibit at a museum, and on the way back to my hotel i saw this outdoor exhibit at the museum of natural history or something, so me and my friend went to check it out. it was a special exhibit of his photos. there were all these absolutely gorgeous original prints of his. i bought a huge book full of them (they are right up your alley) but the book does not do justice to how beautiful they are. the colors in the real photos were so vivid, even more so than the photos online or in books. I highly suggest you go to the website and check him out, his work is beautiful.
enjoy the photos,Mike
Robert Davis wrote:
Subject: Aerial Photos
Dear ORSM. Love your site. Just wanted to say that the amazing aerial shots on
your page are actually real. I saw the exhibition in London last
year. Some French guy travelled the world in a light aircraft and got
all these amazing pictures. More info is at:
Anthony K. wrote:
Hey man...just thought I'd send you a pic of one of my mates passed out and under attack by some local grommets at a sunday session at Caves House, Yallingup, Western Australia. I thought it looked funny... Take it easy. Later.
I am a devoted peruser of your most excellent website. It is just what is required to warm the fast shrinking cockles of this old man's heart. Yes as an 80-year old fart, I must qualify as one of your older readers.
Perhaps you will excuse me the pleasure that flowed through my bowels while watching the live broadcast of a recent Rugbt Union match against the Wallabys. As a born and bred Pommie, I felt that the strictures that you imposed on our cricketers, footballers, etc., while harsh, were fully justified. Can I now expect some comments on your own rugby players?
Incidentally, my wife and I very much enjoy visiting Perth and West Australia. We believe it to be close to heaven on earth but are highly critical of its geographical location. The Margaret River region and the Frankland River area produce the sort of wine and food that we think highly of. The vineyard are moreover hospitable and allow one to partake of food and drink of the highest quality. We think that the French are an uncouth race and that their food and wine reflects this characteristic.
Keep up the good work, it is appreciated. Gerontocrat
Subject: Re: A Canadian Speaks
First off I just wanted to say I love your site. I come back daily hoping for an update even though I know it will be a few days before you get it done. Take your time with them though, because they're definetly worth it. I just had a thought about the 'A Canadian Speaks' article on your site. Whoever wrote that crap is just pissed off because Canada has always been considered the gay cousin of America. If we weren't around to back their asses up the first third world country with a canoe and a pellet gun would take over that pitiful waste of good hunting land in a second. But anyway, keep up the great work bud. You bring a little bit of happiness into my life everyday.
Scott C wrote:
What that guy wrote is just fucked up.
When you want to update is up to you. Personaly i really look forward to your update. I know about when it will be updated and i check then. I think you do a great job, the site is free, fast and full of great stuff. So i think i speak for the majority of ORSM fans when i say you rock, and that guy can go fuck himself.
Subject: regarding 'barry hilton' one liners...
hi orsm, love ur site n all that...
im not sure who barry hilton
is- but most, if not all of these jokes are taken directly from Rodney Dangerfield's mini joke book entitled 'no respect'.
im not sure who copied who, but to be honest i trust hardcopy before the internet :]
Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: My First Car
My brother John and my first car was a 1951 Buick Straight 8 , like this one, only all gray, originally owned by our randfather, The attached ebay photos brought back a flood a great memories of great times....think about your very first car....great wasn't it
<with held> wrote:
Subject: GREAT SITE (PLEASE DON'T DISPLAY MY DETAILS)
Hey ORSM, just a quicky to say that your site 'GOES FUCKING OFF' I love it I visit all the time for a lot a shit you have, everything is interesting especially free pics of 'CHICKS' YEH!!! People always ask me, whats a good site with pics of chicks for free? and yes I always tell them >ORSM.NET<. Keep up the good work, and to help you along is a pic of me Mrs just for you :) if your good i'll send more
The Lucky Chicken wrote:
Subject: Slippery when wet
Went 4wding yesterday south of Canberra. Turns out the recent rains made it a little too slippery for this Jeep Wrangler. Oh well, serves him right for getting a fairy car.
orsm are able to put this pic up on your site as id like to get in contact with the people ive snapped here.
as i live in melbourne im sure that there will be someone in melbourne that looks at your site that knows the people in the photo. if you do put it up on the site how would i be mailed if someone knows them?
Email Doug here.
Mr Orsm, I know you are a man of great influence and this is why I am formally requesting your assistance in a matter of utmost priority.
You see, my college needs to pull a stunt. But not just any old lame stunt. This needs to be huge! Last years stunt attracted the attention of daily newspapers and got air-time on national radio and television. But we still want to go bigger! We will do basically anything that people will suggest. As long as it's funny and big! I'm asking you to throw it out there to get some ideas of other pranks people have done and ideas people have. Good chance to get some honour for yourself. Im in sydney if that helps at all. Send ideas to email@example.com
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up.
"Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbours Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!', and before he could say 'fuck off!', the dog ate him!"
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, seemingly well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down madam" the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go check to see if we have any seats available in First class."
The woman gives a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her, not to mention many of the surrounding passengers. A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the Cabin Services Director and Club is also full. However, we do have one seat in First Class." Before the lady has a chance to answer the stewardess continues. "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade. However, and I have had to get special permission from the Captain. But, given the circumstances, the Captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said, "So, if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have your seat ready for you." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walks to the front of the plane.
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."
Maggie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maggie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
Two accountants were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said, "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said, "Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted." The other accountant said, "Good move. Her clothes wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
A regular at a bar decides he's gonna get really shit faced, and tells the bartender to give him ten shots of whisky. The bartender serves them up, and he begins downing them rapidly. After the fourth one, the bartender says, "Hey, slow down! You're gonna puke all over yourself if you drink those too fast!" The man waves him off, but sure enough, after the fifth shot, he throws up all over his shirt. "Oh, man! When my wife sees this, she's gonna KILL me!" he says. "I'm dead!" "Calm down," says the bartender. "Stick a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her that some drunk guy threw up on you, and gave you the ten to pay for cleaning the shirt. It works every time." "Yeah," the man says slowly.
"That's a great idea!" So he finishes the other five shots, and leaves. When he gets home, his wife sees him, and goes ballistic. "Oh, my God!", she asks. "What have you done to your shirt?" "Well, honey," the man slurs. "You see, there was this drunk guy at the bar, and he puked all over me. That's why he gave me ten bucks to clean my shirt." He points at his shirt pocket, and his wife looks closely.
"But there's a twenty dollar bill in your pocket!" "Oh, yeah," the man mumbles, "He shit in my pants, too."
A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides its not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top. There's a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."
Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back and says "Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies "Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies". So the woman says "Oh, I am going to have a baby?" and the doctor says "No, you've got bowel cancer".
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.
"What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" she asks, hesitantly. I don't rightly know", replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me an' my watermelon."
A woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time... she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE pussy!" She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears.
Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he IS a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing." He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the floor"
One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained "Well... Ok... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".
Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."
These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.
"Let's play golf." The American finally says. "I don't know how to play that." The Turk says. "Oh it's easy," answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole." "I got the ball," says the American, "I got the stick," says the Brit. Then the Turk says, "I don't wanna play."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this! Worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
** EVER WONDERED WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IN THE V.I.P? **
** WILD WOMEN HAVING EVEN WILDER SEX IS WHAT!! **
Well guys that about concludes this weeks update and as always I hope you wasted more time on here than you were supposed to! Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you start feeling really generous feel free to check out my wishlist! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.