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July 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.07.22-19.43
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I've spent the last couple of weeks browsing in and out of the site archives and have found it to be a kind of eye-opening experience.

I guess when you guys track through them you're looking for porn or jokes or vids or whatever but I sort of see it as a window through time for the last couple of years of my life.

Now I look back, the most suprising part of it for me is the fact I actually have a blog [of sorts] and I can't quite figure out how it all came about - it just did. Every couple of weeks I find myself using my own words to conjure a few paragraphs about whats going on and whats worse is that people actually read it.

Using my own words is by far the most disturbing part. I'm completely self-concious when it comes to what I've written and surfing through the archives only amplifies it. Half the time I'm left wondering what the hell I was thinking or analysing just how bloody immature and stupid I sounded.

In school I hated English class. I used to dread anything that required brain usage to come up with a story or poem or whatever. That hasn't changed too much and it's quite often that I'll find myself 95% through an update only to wind up stuck for an entire day trying to craft something worth reading all in the name of making this site more than just porn and jokes.

I don't remember ever having a teacher in my 11 years at school that made me really want to learn or be passionate about writing. I also rarely pick up anything more than a car magazine or computer book so there's a distinct lack of writing influences and styles for me to draw from which leaves me convinced that the more educated amongst you could happily sit there all day long picking holes my writing abilities [or lack there of].

Next big influence, or should I say restriction to my blog is my friends and family... basically anyone who knows me in real life and reads the site. Although I rarely forbid any of them [dont laugh - I've had to!] in these parts I'm still not comfortable with the fact that they read it. Orsmnet has in some ways become a vague personal diary for me and strangley enough I'm more comfortable with those of you who I don't know reading it than those I do.

A while back I linked a site set up by an Australian guy who'd been burnt by Pedders suspension. You know the ones - they've got the stupid "Raaaaalph" ads with the homo from Secret Life Of Ass. Anyway after being in business with Pedders he lost everything and ended up bankrupt. Not wanting to take it on the chin and forget about the whole fiasco he created a website which detailed what went on. All he wants now is to tell the world about it so please stop by and have a read!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but I was far from right. Check it for yourself at TeenRave.org.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

WANTED: FORD FALCON XE ESP [GENUINE]. Prefer 351 with manual but not essential and must be in relatively decent condition. Tim, the guy that admins the site servers is looking for a new toy but is having a bit of trouble finding one. If you have an ESP you wanna get rid of or know someone that does then drop me a line and I'll hook shit up!

Parents & The Internet - Hulk's Moster Willy - Cat Scans - Ache Wood - What The...? - Gas Powered Blender

Weirdo - Ascii Matrix - Tijuana Bibles - Animated Atlas - Moob Or Boob? - Secret Service Test - Tatooist Fun

A West Australian is drinking in a Darwin bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the West Aussie just shrugs, "That's about average in WA fellas... like I said, my boy is a typical West Aussie baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're the father of that typical West Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "19 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The West Aussie father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

Sensational Holly returns this week with an equally sexy Toyota Supra and I wouldn't be too far off the truth by saying these two have got curves to die for. Check it...

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking spanner he said he didn't have one!"

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A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"

I honestly don't think theres anything sexier than the good old nipple slip and these pics prove why. Seen any good ones? Send em my way!

Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" The Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman, the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected." The Reverend responded, "Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the Reverend exclaimed. "Louie, this 3200 dollars! Are you saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We're professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the Reverend agreed.

"I think you'd better tell how you managed this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?

This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards... just everything."

The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest?" "Surely you can out distance her on that... do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it."

So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark." So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment". His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."


Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I then attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was no future in it. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Mikey. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing. ‘Hey, this tastes like shit!' Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"


The long awaited fifth and second-last part in the Mimi McPherson sex tape! Why-o-why other celebs don't do us all a favour and make similar tapes I'll never know... I for one would pay good money to see someone like Kirsten Dunst bent over copping it like a world champ. By the way iff you are having problems with the vid's then check the site help.

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 5 -

click to download

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint. One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said,

"Is that your dog outside?" "Sure is", said the redneck. "Well, I want you to know she's in heat", said the cop. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade". "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread?" The exasperated cop said, "I mean she needs to be fucked!" "Oh. Well go ahead and fuck her. I always wanted a police dog."

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. She meets Howard and they begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies, "Sex!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood, and holds it in her hand. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they can sit and talk and Mildred will hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard doesn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decides to find Howard and make sure he's OK. She walks around the senior citizen home, where she finds him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who is holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Mildred yells, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have!?" Howard smiles happily and replies, "Parkinson's!"

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There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married" she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."


The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner, letting her long brown hair cascade over her shoulders. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on her large sensual brown ones, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze reassuring her, hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for too long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again... DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she says. "Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"

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Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says,

"Medically, no, but here's something you can try... on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the fuck was that!?" The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight Mi Amor, you drink from the Bottle!"


<with held> wrote:
Subject: USO show
Check these pics out.... Alyssa Milano came over for a USO show the other week, this is the photos that one of the boys got.

The celebrity nipple slip. Cant beat it! -Orsm.

Snoogs01 wrote:
Subject: Cool Advice

Just a piece of advice..... Don't buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.............. Its not big and its not clever.
Jane M wrote:
Subject: Something to Think About

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Randy wrote:
Subject: Random Shite

Hey, Got this picture while on a golf excursion in Central Wisconsin, U.S.A. Apparently they clean more than laundry and are very proud of their finished product.
Adrian Hicks wrote:
Subject: Darwin
Photos of Darwin's Trip home in the weather, taken from ANZAC.
Adrian Hicks wrote:
Subject: rough weather

Hey Mr ORSM, My mate sent me this from their trip to the gulf. HMAS Manoora, good sea going weather!

Patrick Merlihan wrote:

Dude- Fuckin' end it with these over-abused, and way over-use SKANK'ASS-HOES'S-- Like Sky, Nikki, Krystal and the rest of them worn out, has been WHORE'S. They have shown every thing that they will ever have, and it all amounts to nothing more then the same old worn out stinkin-shit. All these cunt's need to be taken out, to the back 40 and shot, then used for glue. Trust me they have been oveeeeeeerly used and wayyyyyy overly abusedddddd.

Adrian Hicks wrote:
Subject: How to spend $570,000 !!
Anyone with a couple of dollars to help this guy out?????

<with held> wrote:
Subject: keulintaa
the guy in orange shirt is Kimi Räikkönen. this was filmed this midsummer in Hango, Finland. enjoy. If you forward this please erase my name.

click to download

Shawn Mahaney wrote:
Subject: lead the blind
I was also wondering if maybe you could post an mp3 of one of my bands songs on your site so I could some feedback to make the band better. the band called " Lead the Blind" consist of me and my friend nick whom I have been friends with for 12 years. We started playing music together about 2 years ago and have been busy writing new material. if you could do this for me I would be very thankful..if not that's ok I understand and will still visit your site everyday. Thanks a bunch.

click to download
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A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone's help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up along side the troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight. The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy?"


Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed and now had a new boyfriend she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's dick and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend leave me alone."

Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mum and Dad, having a great time at college please send more money!", and then mailed the picture to her parents...

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A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "Well... I got lost once."

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Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops! - Ooops!

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting with St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the lady, "now what is happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised." "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

An Aboriginal walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "Fuckin hell, bruv... you're bullshitting me, man!" The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it!"

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."


Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara

Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara - Sara

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."


A guy dozes off on a beach for several hours and gets severe sunburn. He hurries to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

His skin is starting to blister and he is in agony. The doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, astounded and curious asks. "What good will the Viagra do him?" The doctor replies. "It will keep the sheets off his legs."


Random Shite... shite that smells less than stinky male to male bum sex [or so I have been told!]. As always the Shite Viewer can be found here.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

click here for more

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it.

After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the Texas tree, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas wood pecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state. After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home."


Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

click here for more

Well folks that pretty much winds up festivities this week. As always it's been a labour of love cranking this puppy out and as always I feel like a I need a few days to re-cooperate from this one. Nonetheless I shall return in a week or two with many more hours of time wasting material.

So until next time, be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to check out the maddest website the internet ever did see! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.07.09-17.14

I've never really been one to hate banks. I mean sure we all know that they're a big bunch of money grabbing bitches and they'll screw you at the first chance they get but my experiences with them have generally been pretty good.... until recently anyways.

About 6 weeks ago I applied for an increased credit card limit on account of the fact I use it for both personal stuff as well paying for web site hosting and whatever else goes along with that. The problem here is that even though I try and keep the damn thing balanced I continually get charged a $30 overage fee each time a big transaction goes through. Probably safe to say I've been nailed by this 3-4 times in the last few months which is just pathetic thus the need for a higher limit.

Now let it be known I wasn't asking for much - just wanted an extra couple of grand leeway to allow me some breathing space but the wankers at the bank replied back with a nice little letter saying that I would have to wait until at least 1 year had passed before they would consider it because they had a minimal credit history and as such I was a credit risk.

So anyway about a week ago I was at City Farmers buying a bag of dog food for pooch and whip out the plastic fantastic to pay for it. "Sorry sir, your card has been declined due to insufficuent funds." "What the fuck?" I ask rhetorically, "The card isn't even close to limit!". Ended up using another card and head home to check it out with net bank only to confirm what I thought - miles off limit. Call the bank.

The chick does some checking and concludes that the reason for this is due to a transaction waiting to be processed on my account. It ends up being my latest hosting bill which, once actually processed, will tip the scales and push me beyond limit again or in simpler terms another $30 debit against my good name. By this stage I've had enough and ask her what the hell I'm supposed to do because it's become a big fucking joke. "Well sir, you can apply for another credit card" she says. "Fine. Put me through to whomever I need to talk to and I'll do it over the phone."

I spend the next 10 minutes dealing with a rather helpful guy going through all the same information that the bank has asked me for a million times before and get the ball rolling. He puts me on hold for a moment while he finds out if it will be approved. A couple of minutes later he returns with the good news and goes on to tell me my new card has a limit than the current one... almost 5 times higher. You can imagine my disbelief.

Now the stupidest part of this whole thing is that the bank will not increase your credit limit for one year after getting the card. I can understand that but how come they'll happily give me a second card without hesitation and with a substantially increased limit? It's simple - by forcing me to take a second card they've just managed to extort another $90 out of me thus fattening their pockets and ensuring even fatter performance bonuses at the end of the year. God I hate banks.

There was an email posted last week from someone trying to find preggers pics of Catherine Zeta Jones. Many thanks to all of you who sent some of them my way and the rest of you can find them here.

Ever heard of Ruski & Bunny? It's a very funny and original online comic strip done by a couple of Aussie guy's. I've actually been meaning to link it for a while now but keep forgetting. Anyway I logged on this morning to see a note hinting it may be discontinued which is why I want ALL of you guys to go check it out... so click here!

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

I'm assuming most of you guys are here for porn right? Well allow me to point you in the direction of this fine page. Banner free, bull shit free and no bloody no pop-ups! Just links to the finest free porn you can find on the web! Check it here.

Advice Asshole is back albeit with only a couple of lifes tough questions to answer. If you need help then you've come to the right place! Check out his thoughts here.

Marriage According To Kids - Super Heating - Shaggers Diary - Travelling Qantas? - Pimpin' Prom - Tasty MILF's

How To Kill A BMW - Heavy Seas - Hit Ctrl-A - 59 Ways - Amazing Naked Women - New Prycless

This little thing has been emailed to me over 1.9 million times now...
Go to www.google.com and type in weapons of mass destruction and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button instead of search and see what comes up!! Read the message carefully!

Next in the Holly shoot features Brentons kick ass EB GT... sweet little car and even better in the flesh. This should keep the Ford boys and girls happy!

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..." Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear "Clean...my...house."

click here for more

A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

click here for more

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Defiance, Self-raising", isn't it?"

David's ribs will heal in a few weeks.

click here for more

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.

I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"

"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the gents." "How so?" I asked. "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Part 4 of 6 of the Mimi sex tape this week. It starts getting better from here, folks! If you are having problems with the vid's then check the site help.

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 4 -

click to download

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?" Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works about sex, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?" Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

click here for more

Three rugby fans were on their way to the State of Origin game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the fan from Brisbane took off his Queensland cap and placed it over her right breast. The second Queensland fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the lone NSW fan took off his Blues cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the first Queensland cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the second Queensland cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the NSW cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The NSW fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am surprised. Normally when I look under a NSW hat, I find an arsehole".

click here for more

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

click here for more

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.

The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 000, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"


One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

click here for more

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up booze, gambling, and golf."

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The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."

click here for more

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!


Justin M wrote:
Subject: The Internet - not joke a personal comment

Hey Mate, I have been watching your site over about 6 months now. I look forward to it being updated I even read your comments up the top. I don't usually email people and say "hey nice site" or bullshit like that but I have to agree with your feelings in this weeks episode about the Internet being boring. I think its wider than the internet, I think the whole IT scene is boring. I work for a very large IT company (I think its the second largest hmmm wonder who it is :-) ) and man, is it ever boring, ohhh wow look a new faster CDROM, or ohhh a 4 billion mega pixel camera, this stuff no longer shakes my tree. I wonder if we are suffering information overload, once you see a chick insert a peach, or someone build a custom car out of this world you see it all. It all needs a good kick up the ass or are we over crazy people we never knew existed ?
Mike wrote:
Subject: aerial photos, most are real!

i saw the aerial photos you posted, and id like to tell you that most are real. as far as im concerned, images 4-8 are fake... but i know for sure the others are real. they are by a photographer named yann arthus-bertrand. he did a big collection of photos that were all aerial shots. ill tell you the website, so you can stop reading here if you dont want to hear my story of how i found these photos. http://www.yannarthusbertrand.com In case you ARE interested, I was on a vacation in london and i was visiting this james bond exhibit at a museum, and on the way back to my hotel i saw this outdoor exhibit at the museum of natural history or something, so me and my friend went to check it out. it was a special exhibit of his photos. there were all these absolutely gorgeous original prints of his. i bought a huge book full of them (they are right up your alley) but the book does not do justice to how beautiful they are. the colors in the real photos were so vivid, even more so than the photos online or in books. I highly suggest you go to the website and check him out, his work is beautiful. enjoy the photos,Mike

Robert Davis wrote:
Subject: Aerial Photos

Dear ORSM. Love your site. Just wanted to say that the amazing aerial shots on your page are actually real. I saw the exhibition in London last year. Some French guy travelled the world in a light aircraft and got all these amazing pictures. More info is at: http://www.nhm.ac.uk/news/items/efta1.htm.

Anthony K. wrote:
Subject: hey

Hey man...just thought I'd send you a pic of one of my mates passed out and under attack by some local grommets at a sunday session at Caves House, Yallingup, Western Australia. I thought it looked funny... Take it easy. Later.
Gerontocrat wrote:
Subject: Rugby

Dear ORSM. I am a devoted peruser of your most excellent website. It is just what is required to warm the fast shrinking cockles of this old man's heart. Yes as an 80-year old fart, I must qualify as one of your older readers.

Perhaps you will excuse me the pleasure that flowed through my bowels while watching the live broadcast of a recent Rugbt Union match against the Wallabys. As a born and bred Pommie, I felt that the strictures that you imposed on our cricketers, footballers, etc., while harsh, were fully justified. Can I now expect some comments on your own rugby players?

Incidentally, my wife and I very much enjoy visiting Perth and West Australia. We believe it to be close to heaven on earth but are highly critical of its geographical location. The Margaret River region and the Frankland River area produce the sort of wine and food that we think highly of. The vineyard are moreover hospitable and allow one to partake of food and drink of the highest quality. We think that the French are an uncouth race and that their food and wine reflects this characteristic. Keep up the good work, it is appreciated. Gerontocrat
Abadbronc wrote:
Subject: Re: A Canadian Speaks

First off I just wanted to say I love your site. I come back daily hoping for an update even though I know it will be a few days before you get it done. Take your time with them though, because they're definetly worth it. I just had a thought about the 'A Canadian Speaks' article on your site. Whoever wrote that crap is just pissed off because Canada has always been considered the gay cousin of America. If we weren't around to back their asses up the first third world country with a canoe and a pellet gun would take over that pitiful waste of good hunting land in a second. But anyway, keep up the great work bud. You bring a little bit of happiness into my life everyday.

Scott C wrote:
Subject: Excuses!?!

What that guy wrote is just fucked up. When you want to update is up to you. Personaly i really look forward to your update. I know about when it will be updated and i check then. I think you do a great job, the site is free, fast and full of great stuff. So i think i speak for the majority of ORSM fans when i say you rock, and that guy can go fuck himself.

cal wrote:
Subject: regarding 'barry hilton' one liners...

hi orsm, love ur site n all that... im not sure who barry hilton is- but most, if not all of these jokes are taken directly from Rodney Dangerfield's mini joke book entitled 'no respect'. im not sure who copied who, but to be honest i trust hardcopy before the internet :] catchya, cal. brisbane.
Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: My First Car

My brother John and my first car was a 1951 Buick Straight 8 , like this one, only all gray, originally owned by our randfather, The attached ebay photos brought back a flood a great memories of great times....think about your very first car....great wasn't it
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Hey ORSM, just a quicky to say that your site 'GOES FUCKING OFF' I love it I visit all the time for a lot a shit you have, everything is interesting especially free pics of 'CHICKS' YEH!!! People always ask me, whats a good site with pics of chicks for free? and yes I always tell them >ORSM.NET<. Keep up the good work, and to help you along is a pic of me Mrs just for you :) if your good i'll send more

click to enlarge

The Lucky Chicken wrote:
Subject: Slippery when wet
Went 4wding yesterday south of Canberra. Turns out the recent rains made it a little too slippery for this Jeep Wrangler. Oh well, serves him right for getting a fairy car.

click to download
dougknowles wrote:
Subject: people
orsm are able to put this pic up on your site as id like to get in contact with the people ive snapped here. as i live in melbourne im sure that there will be someone in melbourne that looks at your site that knows the people in the photo. if you do put it up on the site how would i be mailed if someone knows them? Email Doug here.
click to enlarge
Mick wrote:
Subject: Stunt

Mr Orsm, I know you are a man of great influence and this is why I am formally requesting your assistance in a matter of utmost priority. You see, my college needs to pull a stunt. But not just any old lame stunt. This needs to be huge! Last years stunt attracted the attention of daily newspapers and got air-time on national radio and television. But we still want to go bigger! We will do basically anything that people will suggest. As long as it's funny and big! I'm asking you to throw it out there to get some ideas of other pranks people have done and ideas people have. Good chance to get some honour for yourself. Im in sydney if that helps at all. Send ideas to mick_milvale@hotmail.com.
Click for more awesomeness

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up.

"Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbours Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!', and before he could say 'fuck off!', the dog ate him!"

click here for more

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, seemingly well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down madam" the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go check to see if we have any seats available in First class."

The woman gives a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her, not to mention many of the surrounding passengers. A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the Cabin Services Director and Club is also full. However, we do have one seat in First Class." Before the lady has a chance to answer the stewardess continues. "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade. However, and I have had to get special permission from the Captain. But, given the circumstances, the Captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said, "So, if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have your seat ready for you." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walks to the front of the plane.

click here for more

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."

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Maggie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maggie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.

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Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla

Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla - Carla

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"


Peugeot - Peugeot - Peugeot - Peugeot - Peugeot

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Two accountants were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said, "It was free."

The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said, "Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted." The other accountant said, "Good move. Her clothes wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

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Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage

Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage

A regular at a bar decides he's gonna get really shit faced, and tells the bartender to give him ten shots of whisky. The bartender serves them up, and he begins downing them rapidly. After the fourth one, the bartender says, "Hey, slow down! You're gonna puke all over yourself if you drink those too fast!" The man waves him off, but sure enough, after the fifth shot, he throws up all over his shirt. "Oh, man! When my wife sees this, she's gonna KILL me!" he says. "I'm dead!" "Calm down," says the bartender. "Stick a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her that some drunk guy threw up on you, and gave you the ten to pay for cleaning the shirt. It works every time." "Yeah," the man says slowly.

"That's a great idea!" So he finishes the other five shots, and leaves. When he gets home, his wife sees him, and goes ballistic. "Oh, my God!", she asks. "What have you done to your shirt?" "Well, honey," the man slurs. "You see, there was this drunk guy at the bar, and he puked all over me. That's why he gave me ten bucks to clean my shirt." He points at his shirt pocket, and his wife looks closely. "But there's a twenty dollar bill in your pocket!" "Oh, yeah," the man mumbles, "He shit in my pants, too."

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.

He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides its not worth it.

He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top. There's a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."


Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back and says "Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies "Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies". So the woman says "Oh, I am going to have a baby?" and the doctor says "No, you've got bowel cancer".

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A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.

"What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" she asks, hesitantly. I don't rightly know", replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me an' my watermelon."


RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time... she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE pussy!" She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears.

Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he IS a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing." He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the floor"

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One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained "Well... Ok... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

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These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.

"Let's play golf." The American finally says. "I don't know how to play that." The Turk says. "Oh it's easy," answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole." "I got the ball," says the American, "I got the stick," says the Brit. Then the Turk says, "I don't wanna play."

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

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One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this! Worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

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Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage


Well guys that about concludes this weeks update and as always I hope you wasted more time on here than you were supposed to! Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you start feeling really generous feel free to check out my wishlist! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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