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July 2005...
orsmupdate 2005.07.28-11.59
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Welcome to Orsmnet. Implosion imminent - please stand back.

Did you ever have one of those weeks where you will do absolutely anything to avoid working? Where every time you saddle up to do something productive you magically find a way to distract yourself? Where the world is out to get you? Where the only place you wanna be is in bed watching Bert Newton? Well welcome to my week!

I'm sure everyone goes through this. For me it's probably once or twice a year. My mind is entirely somewhere else and I am struggling to bring it back... for that matter I don't even know if I want to bring it back. I'm unenthusiastic, unimpressed, uninspired, unenergetic and waiting for someone to piss me off just a tiny little bit so I can strangle them with a printer cable.

I'm not in a rut, I'm not depressed, I just like saying 'fuck' a lot. I guess I can at least look forward to the fact I'll eventually get over it.

This has got me thinking it time to make some changes. On account of the fact my whole life seems to revolve around this website I think it only fair to name Orsmnet as target numero uno. The thing is I love the format, I love doing weekly updates and I love everything that goes along with running the site but it occurred to me the other day that if in five or ten years time I am doing exactly the same updates I am now I will be justified in killing myself at least four or five times.

Anyway at this point I am somewhere between a complete redesign of the site or more regular updates which would do away with a big update once a week and switch to smaller ones Monday through Friday. Both ideas aren't without their problems though...

A complete redesign would mean gluing my ass to the computer for some serious hours whilst I try and conjure something that I actually like. If past experience is anything to go by I'll go through ten or twenty designs that I hate progressively more and more until I finally nail one. Beyond that comes the hard part of updating the in excess of 5500 pages that make up the site to the new design. Potentially this would be another time that anyone in close proximity to me causing an even minor annoyance may find themselves on the receiving end of a fairly violent act...

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Option two was of course the more regular updates. This has always been a goal. The funny thing is that every time I have mentioned this over the years I have ended up with email from you guys telling me not to do it although I think this is because too many people are supposed to be doing other things... like working!

I can see two problems with daily updates the most obvious of which is whether or not I can handle the extra hours they will inevitably bring. Secondly is finding a format that I am happy with. For starters I'll be damned if I can come up with a blog about what's been going on every day of the week if I am spending the entirety of it at the computer. I'm really not that interesting I swear...

The third option [which only just popped back into my head] is to get another site happening. I've been meaning to do it for years and that way I could encompass the above options and keep everyone happy. My computer is filled with hundreds and thousands of pics and vids that I never made room for on this site... perhaps now would be a good time to change that.

As fast as a week seems to go by these days I may very well be over my mid-year crisis come next update so this little crusade I'm contemplating embarking on may be nothing more than a distant memory but just in case its not, about now is where I would love some feedback from you guys. What do you think about the ideas above? What do you want to see on the site? What's good? What's bad? What sections need to go? What sections need to be updated more? Any feedback or ideas are welcome so click here and drop me an email.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Anyway so last Friday I was watching World Poker Tour on TV. Normally I can't stand gambling but I was mesmerised so I went searching. I found an awesome free online Texas-Hold-Em site - then download and played real games for [like I said] FREE! I made a deposit and ended up winning and withdrawing $250! They have an offer on now where if you signup you get a free entry into the $10 Million Tournament that they're running. Check it out!'

I always hate having to skulk around the backroom of my local video store just because the chick flicks I like the best involve more sex than sentimentality. I am relieved to know that finally I can order my DVD porn directly from home, so no more feeling like a public pervert for loving porn.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Freak Out - Hard Nipples - Riot Squad - Bizarre Self-Promotion - Big Ad - Hot Lil Nikki - Darth! DP Action

Courtroom Drama - Latina Battle - Babe - Test: Europe - Fartman - Take A Tumble - Dancing Goddess

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

click here for more

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean... " he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail!?"

click here for more

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"


Beware of the Urban Ninja! His mission is secret and his only objective is to get the job done. I think you guys will like this - it's the latest from long time Orsmnet contributor Robert James Hoffman. Anyway this is what happens when you take a guy in a Ninja suit, a cam and go out to terrorise the general public. Funny stuff. Check it...

- Kinetsu Hayabusa: Urban Ninja -

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Man's car breaks down on rural country road. It's raining cats and dogs He gets out and discovers that his spare tyre is flat. He sees a farmhouse on a hill. He begins to walk. The rain keeps pelting down. He walks up to the door and knocks. No answer. The lights are on someone seems home. He walks around the back to see if there is another door. He suddenly see's shadows flickering in one of the windows. He moves closer and peers in.

In the corner of the room stands a large plump naked woman. She is squeezing both large breasts firmly. His gaze follows hers. In the other corner is another naked form. It's a man, holding an umbrella and masturbating with vigour. The traveller decides to leave this little happening uninterrupted and trudges back down the road to his stranded car.

The lights of an approaching car suddenly appear and he flags it down. Assistance at last. The driver of the car is a local and proceeds to help him with his flat. The traveller's mind is still dwelling on the farmhouse on the hill. He decides to tell of his trip.

"You know I knocked on the door and no answer, walked around the back, looked in the window and saw two naked people, the woman squeezing her breasts and some dude masturbating under an umbrella"

"Ahh!" says the local "That'll be farmer Jones and his wife", "Their both deaf, she's telling him it's time to milk the cows, and he's telling her to go get fucked because it's raining!"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Email email email... light of my life, bain of my existence. As I'm sure you guys have come to expect there has been some highly entertaining and kick ass email flooding my inbox this week. Okay so it seems to pile up faster than I can get through it but that aint no excuse to stop sending it to me! So if you have some intelligent, unintelligent, abusive, offensive or naked lying around then the very first thing you need to do is click here and send it to me!

eda celis wrote:
Subject: amazing racist
I visit your site now and then. I choose not to watch a few of the clips, pics and what not simply because I don't think I will enjoy them. But, with a title like "the amazing racist" I thought there was a chance you would be making fun of the racist. Not only was the white guy in the truck a sick fuck, but you are a sick fuck for laughing your ass off. Furthermore, you're a sick fuck for even putting it on your site. Irreguardless of what your thoughts on migration are, you are an ignorant and sick individual to participate (and indulgence others by placing them on your site) with those that make fun of people in unfortunate circumstances.

e m wrote:
Subject: more cocks please
Hey.. I am just writing to ask you where is the cock? I love checking out your website and all, but as a female am getting quite frustrated at the lack of big, hard cocks.. Ok, admittadly it is a website aimed at males, but surely you could throw in a few pics for us girls?? It doesnt just have to be solely of cocks, it could be of guys fucking girls... It just seems that the last few updates you have done has been really focused on lesbianism. I hope you might consider this suggestion and include in your next update some big pulsating cocks for my very eager eyes! : )

Cuca Wildman wrote:
Subject: Regarding Beno
"Beno wrote:
Subject: some more useful shit for ur site mate...
Buying a house is a fukn stressful (nessarary???) pain in the arse huh! Goodluck with id dood. All i can say is i only just sold my place cause i couldnt stand my neighbours (prolly mutral) and am back to renting... (works out cheaper for me in the mean time).. here are some camping pictures ive was sent from Glastonbury."

This is a sorry excuse for an education. I'm thinking Spell Check was invented just for this guy. Even if he was typing this in the dark, with a broken arm and a hangover, he could have spelled something right! Thanks, I had to say something. Oh, and Beno? Hey dood yo rok for a stoopid dik!

Mark Anderson wrote:
Subject: cool pics
Should war be glamorized with 1700+ dead military... 100,000 dead innocent Iraqi citizens...the destruction of one of the seats of civilization...the U.S. having nearly ruined the economy of New Zeland for not joining the coalition?

Craig Eldred wrote:
Subject: london
Hey buddy. Great site - I've been checking it regularly for quite a while now. I think I first discovered it afterseeing some of your pryceless pix. I was in London on 21 July when the 2nd lot of bombs/bomb scares took place, and like thousands of others, was stuck in the city. The police had Charing Cross Rd blocked off with this ambulance push bike (first pic) - it struck me as funny - out of shot is a copper with a sub machine gun enforcing the road closure image (second pic).

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Michael Wicks wrote:
Subject: Fast driving
Mr. ORSM, Long time viewer, first time caller here. I know you like cars so I thought I'd send this pic. I took the pic while driving (not the brightest thing to do at that speed). The car is a completely stock U.S. spec Nissan Altima, 2.4L 4cyl (1996 year). The speedometer is in MPH with KM/H in small numbers. Just for reference for people around the world 120MPH is about 193KM/H. Just prior to the picture I had the needle at about the 7 o'clock position, I estimate about 130MPH (210 KM/H). Not bad for a stock four door family car.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: RE: Subject: 210kph
Hey ORSM, Pfft... 210kph? Thats all? At 1am going down the kwinanna freeway in WA I decided to get a top speed, hit redline in 5th gear in my 2003 WRX, here are 2 photos that I took... one is a little shakey but the other is a good photo. Please don't post my e-mail addy or anything, wouldn't like jail time very much thanks.

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Philip Doyle wrote:
Subject: Update 21/07/2005
Re the picture of the dashboard doing his 210 kph, try this one in a Mercedes E55AMG in Italy last week!

Can anyone beat this? -Orsm

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malektaus wrote:
Subject: Rainbow cloud over Dallas Tx.
Thought you'd find this interesting, a cloud about a week ago formed over Dallas, Tx looked like a rainbow. It was pretty awesome looking. Hope you're members enjoy the pic...

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piter wrote:
Subject: lookalike bec!
hey there orsm, could this be possible proof of leyton hewitts little known piss fetish? if this isn't bec cartrwright from summer bay, i'll be a red-assed baboon with herpes. well, you gotta admit she has the same cum-catcher chin! hope you can use this for your site. cheers piter from perth.

Holy shit... I would almost say that it was her... -Orsm

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Allen wrote:
Subject: Pit Bull vs Porcupine!
Somewhere out there is a naked Porcupine. Inca apparently did not know when to quit when she encountered the porcupine on Victoria Day, May 23rd. These are the pictures the vet sent before the long (and expensive) procedure to remove the quills. She had thousands of quills, and her tongue was so covered, she could not close her mouth. It was pretty scary at first. She is doing okay now, but looks like a World War III survivor as they had to cut some out in places, stitched between her toes, and many quills bled on removal. There are still quills buried in her, but they should work their way out over time (I pulled four more today). She is on antibiotics and pain meds and thankfully is doing quite well. Maybe she was showing off for her new boyfriend, Rocky, I don't know; but he only got a few in him, which friends were able to remove. Ike, of course, had better sense. I sure hope that the Queen of Quills has learned her lesson...

Cheeky Chef wrote:
Subject: product placement
Hey Orsm - great site bla bla...... been coming for years bla bla....... Was in my local tescos in the UK last week and saw this - perfect Kodak moment if ever i saw one - plus fantastic product placement!!!! Also, I have a friend who is an amazing stand up comic from Canada, now in London - one of the sickest funniest comics i know - definitely needs to get on stage in Australia - If you know anyone who promotes shit like that there pass the link on. jasonrouse.com - check out the vids section

click to enlarge

Alex wrote:
Subject: Trippy....
You see a circle of violet dots. Each of them disappears in order, like moving in a circle. Concentrate your sight at the cross, then you can see, how violet dots disappear. If you do all right, you can see that the green dot is moving. If you keep looking all violet dots will disappear and only green dot will keep moving!

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Pat wrote:
Subject: my EX-WHORE!!!
These are some pics of my ex-bitch who cheated on me at a party with some random dick so I cheated on her with two of her best friends at the same time at the same party!!!HAHA shes wants to be like that! And so I also decided to send you some pics of her to put on your site too hoping that someone she knows will see them!!!

click for gallery

ololade lawal wrote:
Subject: pics of holiday
attached are some pics that was taken on a recent holiday to laganas, in zante greeece, feel free to use any of them on your site, long term fan, keep up the good work. please do not show my email add.

I've got to admit that the last pic has me a bit worried... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: how to relax after you a buy a house.....
hey, sorry to hear the "house" experience was so much fun. As a loyal reader I felt compelled to suggest our method for relaxation. Keep up the good work and please withhold my info... a fan four years now

click for gallery

B wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey my roomate and I are computer animation students. laughed my ass off when he did these

There's a very good chance you guy's have too much spare time! -Orsm

click for gallery

Dead Man wrote:
Subject: Something of interest...i think.
Greetings, Mr. Orsm! I've been visiting your site for about a year now and i think i have something you, and your readership, might enjoy. It's a simple collection of desktop wallpapers that i have made using Photoshop. I think some of them are better than others, but i really think it would be cool just to see my stuff on yout site. if you find them worthy that is... please don't post my details, but if you'd like you, and anyone else who reads this is more than welcome to visit my webcomic, Shotguns In Space.

click for gallery

garbat wrote:
Subject: bonfire stuff
so, a propane bottle makes it.... how about a propane bottle lighting 100 pallets and 75 christmas tress, with 5 gallons of gasoline? more to come from last years once i rip it off the DVD.... a 65gallon propane tank shot with a 2 inch cannon, etc etc. gotta love the desert in California

click for gallery click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Howsit
Hey ORSM, I know that his is probably the millionth time in the last week that you have heard this, but, when is the next post? Your updates are what keep me interested in anything! Attached is a video from a bunch of strange characters in the states, I think they watch too much wrestling!!!!!!!

click to watch vid

Andrew Hook wrote:
Subject: Lettuce
Hi Orsm, First of all your site is great. I found this very funny, it was from my flatmates best friend in England who does some silly shit when he is drunk. Has anyone ever tied or had a thought to tie a lettuce to their head!!!???!!!???

click to watch vid

Daniel Pearce wrote:
Subject: drugs
I made a song about drugs a while back, the quality is shite and i can't sing, but nobody else could pronounce the lyrics. Here's my song: Let's Take Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Not too sure what Methylenedioxymethamphetamine is but I'm pretty sure I now want some. -Orsm

click to watch vid

Mr. Tinkertrain wrote:
Subject: vid of my EX...
Hey orsm, I've been checking your site for the last 6 months and its the tits in my book! I've never had anything of interest to send ya ...until now. So i'm cruzing the usual sites one night a few weeks back and i wuz on a similar site to yours when... bang!, i see a vid of my EX from 13 years ago.. no shit! She's a little chunkier now but i'd still strap 'er on. BTW... the guy behind the cam and paintgun is her gay-alky brother who seems to STILL talk her into anything.

click to watch vid

cadric wrote:
Subject: r1turbo
Hi Orsm, like your site. Here's another turbo-bike. Don't know, if you've seen it already. The crazy people never extinct. Greatings from Europe

That might be a bit of fun... -Orsm

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: CZW Wrestling Video...
Here's a compilation video from the same wrestling federation as the weed wacker vid you showed in your last update. Seriously I don't know why anyone would put their body through this punishment, but fuck, I'd love to see it!! Too bad its in philly (about 500 miles from me).

I had trouble watching this... nasty. -Orsm

click to watch vid
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A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I think I can handle that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam". "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home. "In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

click here for more


1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.



Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do... do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

To compile this weeks RS I contracted a call centre in India to conduct polling on what people would like to see. I'm told that over 54 million calls were made by Veejay and all the guys and gals down there. Anyway the results were collated, analysed and discussed thus leading to this stunning compilation...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there as was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

click here for more

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock.

Okay well I think I'm about ready to bid farewell to this update and I assume if you have made it this far down the page you probably are too. Make sure you tune back in next week for another totally fucking huuuge update and more of what keeps you away from reality.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember that you didn't get properly drunk if you can still remember the night before. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.07.21-23.59
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Welcome to Orsmnet... let's fire this bitch back up shall we!?

I'd be a talking out of my ass if I said by the end of last week I wasn't absolutely hanging out to get back in to the swing of things and start working on the site again. I don't think I ever realised how much I rely on my usual routine to keep me and my little world balanced. It ended up being weird not doing an update for those two weeks I missed so I have gone to great lengths to make up for it this week.

I, or should I say we, managed to get a tonne of stuff done around here and I'm happy to say that the place is now what you'd call liveable. Most of the boxes are unpacked, lots of stuff got painted and I can finally use the kitchen without having to move tools or drop sheets! It's a good feeling.

There was more than a few times we had to laugh whilst performing 'simple' renovations. Two golden rules I will now adhere to for the rest of my life: 1. nothing is ever straightforward. 2. nothing is ever square.

Just about every day there is some show on TV which focuses on 'simple' things any home handyman can do and when you watch these guys they make it all look just so damn easy. Just once I would have loved everything to have gone as smoothly as it does for them. For that matter just once I would love to hear Jamie Durie say "that's it! I'm fucking over this! Where's the sledge hammer?". Should the opportunity ever present itself, I look forward to bitch slapping him one day.

Anyway, now that everything is sort of out of the way it kind of raises some issues for me and I'm left feeling a little unsettled. Allow me to explain... for the past year or two I have had it in my head that it was time to get my shit together and buy a house - do the responsible thing. To achieve this I had to get my finances in order, save some money, pay off my credit cards and generally try to be less blasé about how I approach things... focus on my goals and do what I needed to realise them.

click here for more

Jump forward to now where I have achieved what I set out to and the question is 'what's next?'. The obvious thing most people will say is 'work hard and pay the place off' but that's an inevitability right? I was always going to do that but there has to be cooler shit to aim for - I don't want to just sit back and get on with life.

This is kind of odd for me. Whether it's true or not I like to think I'm one of those people who can achieve anything I set my mind to. I just need something good to set it to...

I mentioned above that I was hanging out to get back to my old routines which is all well and good but it occurred to me some of those don't really apply anymore. For instance I used to whinge and complain about how much I hated spending my weekends house hunting. Thankfully that's all over but what do I do instead? After a while you run out of things to paint! Okay I'm not THAT boring that I cant find shit to do but for me normality is routine. Obsessive compulsive anyone? Melvin Udall would be proud.

I'd have to say the last few months have been quite eye opening. I've actually learnt a few things about myself and one of those was that I am quite stuck in my ways and don't particularly like change. Kind of bad luck in my situation wouldn't you say?

Enough dribbling. I'm pretty sure that right now I sound like a complete wanker. 'Poor me - I've achieved my goals'. I think I will make it my new goal to get shit as back to normal and routine as possible. I may even work on blogging about stuff other than all this house crap because to be honest I am boring myself... I can't imagine how over it you guy's must be by now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I got a message from a mate the other day asking why I hadn't plugged him for a while. "Isn't it obvious?" I asked. "Every time I hit your site I end up losing three hours of my life surfing through the thousands of pics of the tastiest web girls I have ever seen!". Seriously though... Web Girls Online absolutely fucking rocks. Do yourself a favour and check it out before you miss something!

Finally, some world records like "Only Porn Star to Streak through the US Open", "Longest Legs In Porn", and "World's Best Lesbian Sex Ever Recorded on Video" that we can all come to appreciate. These global title-holding girls have some tits and ass truly worthy of praise.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Puke Lick - Hornets - Babe - Thundersink - Mammatus Clouds - Force Dynamics - 8Teen - Double Pounded

Crash N Smash - Grumpy Old Men - Punch Suck - Gurn - Bad Girls - Daddy? - Shake It!

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

click here for more

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


I laughed my ass off when I saw this clip. Basically this guy goes cruiseing in his pickup/ute to find some illegal Mexican immigrants to do a job for him. After chatting to them for a while and then negotiating a price he piles them all in the back and off they go. The funny shit kicks in towards the end when it turns out he isn't actually taking them to work after all. Check it...

- The Amazing Racist -

click here for more

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman had some time to kill so bought a ticket and went along for a look.

When he got there, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian guy. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

I think my biggest mistake was encouraging everyone [with gusto] to email me the week before I went on holidays. My inbox was slaughtered with enough email to keep me busy for close to 4 days sorting through and compiling all the good stuff for this update. Crazy I tell you. Anyway I have had to get the Overflow fired up because there was no way everything was going to fit on this page. You can find it here. For everyone else who wants to have their say, send me pics of an Ex or just pledge your daughters to me the best way to do it is click here and let your email do the talking.

Brian wrote:
Subject: cool pix
Hi living in Aus we can get good snaps anytime the attached sunrise was taken out-bound on the eastern freeway (melb) at about 7.15 in the morning using one hand while driving a truck at approximately 100 kph. p.s. have been visiting your site every week for the last few years and should send you a few more photos taken while out driving the truck ranging from funny signs to silly behaviour caught on digital cam and car accidents.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: please can you post this pic.
hi my girlfriend received this email from a friend who met a guy on the internet and managed to get him to send her this pic. when i was told about it i immediately thought of your site. so to teach him a lesson i thought it would be nice for him to see it on the internet!( i'm going to email him to let him know about it when its hopefully posted!) so please could you post this picture of him for me :-) p.s i have been a regular reader for over a year now, cool site man .. keep up the good work

click to enlarge

satan blah wrote:
Subject: Cool pic
I went to a gig at a pub tonight where they gave me a wrist stamp. I came home and felt like having something to make me relax - and voila! Kodak moment.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
thank you will like pic of girlfriend

If this is for real [and not just some guy dreaming again] then GOD DAMN!! -Orsm

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Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: check this out!
A python caught under an electric fence on a game farm in South Africa. The snake was too big to fit under the electric fence, got shocked and just a little angry!

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Joseph Gibson wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Hey dude, love your site. Look forward to your updates every week. In regards to last weeks Random Shite, with this being the Fourth of July week, I was rather dissapointed with the "flag girl" you posted. This is the girls we prefer.

click to enlarge

Jadxia Lauron wrote:
Subject: happy July 4 from USA
Here's a custom you don't find every day! Every July 4, my buddy creates an American flag out of wax. This is a pic of myself, being a happy volunteer.

How bored were you guy's anyway? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: Please post this
Hey man, Love your site. This is from my Lord of the Rings desk calendar. When I saw it I knew it was a fish in Gollums mouth, but had to admit that it looked like Gollum was sucking a big black cock! Pretty funny I think. THIS IS NOT PHOTOSHOPED, IT"S THE REAL DEAL.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nick Jessica and ???
Funny seeing Nick and Jessica dressed up as Three's Company rejects. She's still hot though! Notice the watches on the last pic...Nick has a nice diamond encrusted fancy model and the dude holding the glass has a cheap Timex. Must not be friends :)

click to enlarge click to enlarge

DLY wrote:
Subject: Jessica Simpson RS improvement
Hello orsm, Love your site,... just thought I would send you back, what I believe to be my photoshop improvement to the Jessica Simpson photo you posted in the RS Section of your update. We could only hope....

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 210kph
hery dude good site blar blar i've always wanted to post something here but nothing i have qualifies... then i remembered this and thought you might like it. Monaro highway in canberra on adverage once a week, cops do a great job... I took that photo, shortly before the speed limiter kicks in... still have my licence too after losing 15 demrit points!! SUCK SHIT to everyone who has lost there licence to speeding! Cheers! yeah dude, please dont print my addy as i really would like the police to not know about this... thanks!

click to enlarge

James wrote:
Subject: Anyone for Glastonbury?
I was at Glastonbury last week (the bigest rock festival in the world) and came accross this couple who were getting a little carried away by one of the smaller stages it must have been the skunk they were smoking..

And who said romance was dead? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Beno wrote:
Subject: some more useful shit for ur site mate...
Buying a house is a fukn stressful (nessarary???) pain in the arse huh! Goodluck with id dood. All i can say is i only just sold my place cause i couldnt stand my neighbours (prolly mutral) and am back to renting... (works out cheaper for me in the mean time).. here are some camping pictures ive was sent from Glastonbury.

click for gallery

Dave wrote:
Subject: EVO Car Crash Pic
Thought these may be of some interest. This is what happens when some cunt pulls out on you without looking where the fuck he's going. Walked away without a scratch, SOMEHOW. You can print the reg the car been written off.

click for gallery

Robert wrote:
Subject: stupid drunk friend
Hi Mr. Orsm, You site is fucking great! I've been visiting it every thurs. for about 3 years now. Finally I have something to contribute. In the great state of Maryland in the US high school seniors have a little tradition called senior week in which we go down to the beach to party. Here are some pictures of my stupid drunk friend who we drew on. It says Ass Milk on his forhead by the way (from a Chappelle skit). Please withold my contact info. Thanks, and keep up the good work!

click for gallery

Marc wrote:
Subject: priceless pics
hey heres some pics of my ex girlfriend nina

I don't mean to sound ungrateful but she's a little too flat for my liking! -Orsm

click for gallery

-DeToX- wrote:
Subject: Sum quality shizzle!
Hey there Orsm. I really appreciate the free high quality amusement you provide me with and since you are so cool, I am going to provide you with some pictures that i took that i think are cool. That my friend is compound coolieness and well thats just cool! The street lamp print is by far my favorite. It snowed in october and it was time to take some pictures. Also look closely at the first pic that dart has just been shot from that gun!! The crazy biosphere pyramids are located in Edmonton Alberta. They make great nighttime pictures.

click for gallery

Matt wrote:
Subject: Photos from V8 Supercar Championship
Mr ORSM, I thought you and your loyal band of followers might like to see a little bit of the eye candy from the latest round of V8's in Darwin. There was a lot more than I could shoot. ENJOY

Umm.. Wow... -Orsm

click for gallery

Dave R wrote:
Subject: Please post this
Whats up man, me and all my friends we're blowing shit up in this kids back yard when suddenly he decided it'd be funny to put the firework on his crotch. Just watch the video to see what happened to him. Let's just say things have been black and blue for about a week.

click to watch vid

Rocco wrote:
Subject: Dutch language is easy to "understand"
Been a regular orsm-surfer for couple of years now. Great site Don't know if you have seen this great msn-chat. I beleive the language is Dutch, but I think that most of it is very easy to understand.

I hate it when that happens... -Orsm

click to watch vid

glenzoey wrote:
Subject: noise complaint
G'day Orsm, this gem has been pulling the rounds on defnet at work (in between hoff pics). This bloke is tops. As you have probably noticed, our Army has a habit of not giving two fucks about anybody else and this bloke gives them what for.

click to listen

Kyle wrote:
Subject: 4th of July in U.S.
Here's a video a friend of mine shot out in the middle of nowhere (Oklahoma). They shot a propane tank with a deer rifle, and this was the result. He told me that the pressure from the tank had pushed the gas into the sand so far that it bubbled out for 10 minutes afterward. Keep up the good work.

click to watch vid

J wrote:
Subject: My assclown friend's video...
Yo Mr. Orsm, Shout from the states, again. I once sent you a pic that you posted of a friend of mine with a gun in his mouth. What a moron. Check out this stupid video of him. Listen to his fat bulldog jowels flap around when he starts flipping out - what a fucking clown! His name is Junks.

click to watch vid

Alex wrote:
Subject: Bloody Mario
Some people are total Wankers, dont they realise they look and sound like fuckwits.

I hope for his sake that's a parody... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Qube wrote:
Subject: Extreme Wrestling
Hey Orsm, A guy posted this on my site hiphopbattles.net and thought this is something that should be on ORSM... Maybe the WWF will consider these weapons in the battle royale's...

That's BRUTAL!!! -Orsm

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Turbo R1
Hey Mr. Orsm. Finally I have a little something that is just as interesting all the fun stuff on your kick a$$ site. Pls do not post my details?

Absolutely fucking insane! -Orsm

click to watch vid

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

click here for more


Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip - Slip

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer. It is quickly passed through the Senate.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agri-biz company.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorise the community.


With a couple of weeks to recharge my batteries I can say with some confidence that this RS is a ripper. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

click here for more

Two French paratroopers are sitting in a cafe for breakfast when one says to the other, "I have had a terrible morning. At about 3:00 in the morning zis big 'airy man comes up to me and tells me if I want to join ze army I need to follow 'im. So off I go to a plank raised 10 feet from ze ground and he tells me to jump."

"So did you jump," the other French man said. "Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper - it is below my dignity to jump 10 feet. So he took me to another platform, 50 feet from ze ground and told me to jump."

"And did you jump," the other French man said. "Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper - it was below my dignity to jump 50 feet. So he took me to zis platform 200 feet from ze ground, pulled down his trousers and took out zis big 'airy willy and told me if I didn't jump he would stick it up my ass."

"So did you jump," the other French man said. "A little bit at first."


Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona

Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona - Fiona

click here for more

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter - ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

click here for more

Well guys that is all for another week. At this point of the nite I am completely stuffed. It's amazing how far behind I am after only a couple of weeks but I somehow managed to bring it all together in the end. If I was successful I have managed to keep you from something far more important whilst you surfed the update.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a bloody good weekend! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.07.07-23.47
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Home of the... thingy...

Seriously... what a fucked up world we live in. As I write this the news of the terror attacks in London is only a few hours old. I can't imagine what its like to go through something like that but with a sister and several close friends in the vicinity I have a fair idea. Thankfully they are all safe and accounted for but to those who can't say the same, the thoughts of Australians are with you.

Moving on... welcome to the update that almost never was but now is! As many of you may recall I did the whole move house thing last week and due some tard at my ISP giving me the wrong information, I've been without anything resembling a usable internet connection for a week and a half now. Uploading files was near impossible so I was just going to skip this update and wait for next week. Much to my delight they plugged my broadband in this morning so I have been a busy little bee trying to get shit done. By the way anyone still on dialup - I pity you.

Sadly grand plans of enjoying my holidays, sleeping in and catching up on some DVD's hasn't exactly come to fruition - have been far too busy painting and sanding and whatever else to even think about it. This place doesn't have a TV aerial that works properly [someone explain to me how you can live in a house for 30 years with shit reception] so staring blankly into the TV becomes a tad boring after a while.

Anyway... it looks likes like I am left yet again to bore you all with exploits of myself and the new abode. I'm hoping I get everything I'm doing finished shortly so life can return to normal and I can find something else to bore you guys with...

click here for more

Actual moving day was a bitch. I booked movers to do it all [I hate burdening friends with shit like this] and they told me to be ready to go by 7.45am. Far too early for my blood but I somehow dragged my ass out of bed by 6, did what I had to do and sat around waiting. By the time 9am rolled around I was starting to get the feeling they weren't coming and a very apologetic phone call from the boss guy confirmed this and said I'd have to wait until lunch time at the latest. Fuckers. At 2pm a truck finally rocked up and they began loading it. Even now I am amazed at just how much shit I have managed to accrue in three years but they ended up making light work of it and we were on our way an hour later.

The next couple of days were spent unpacking boxes and trying so very, very hard to get my bedroom painted. Thus far it's been an absolute nightmare - it started with numerous layers of wall paper being removed, then a couple of kilo's of putty to fill holes and cracks, then undercoat which turned out to be the wrong one and didn't stick, then scraping all off with a heat gun, then re-sanding the whole room, then more undercoating and finally getting colour on it this week. Probably the most annoying thing is now that it's finished its painfully obvious that I have chosen colours I don't like but I'll be damned if the room is getting painted again. 603010 my ass!

The scary thing is that we've still got a few more 'little' projects planned and I have no doubt that they will end up being substantially more work than we anticipate. Its times like now I wish I was a rich bastard that could afford to call up a tradesman and get them to do it so I don't have to.

Okay so I'm a whinging bitch AND I know I said I was looking forward to putting my hands to good use again AND it's rewarding once you get finished BUT at the rate everything has been coming along I am almost over it. I think my biggest problem is that I'm impatient. I like things to be done 10 minutes ago and with no fuss. It all has to be perfect too and lets not forget they have to be done my. No wonder the offers for help seem to have dried up in the last few days...

Before I get on with the update I want everyone to know there won't be one next week. I lost count of how many emails I got asking where the update is and to hurry my shit up so I'm taking this as an indication no one reads my blog...? Anyway, just so everyone knows - THERE WILL BE NO UPDATE NEXT WEEK WHILST I TAKE SOME TIME OFF!

If youve been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isnt because they are paying me to do so... its because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what theyve got... did I mention its all free too? Check it now!

Have you guys checked out Reality Skin yet? This site is HOT. Lots of naked pics and movies from all the Big Brother houses around the world. Boy, go and check the naked stuff in the Australian Big Brother! Check out this chick from German Big Brother getting pierced! Theres also lots of amateur homemade pics and movies, check out these hot drunk girl pics. So do yourself a favour and go check out Reality Skin for FREE!!!

Thanks to all the MILFs I love so much, the hausfraus of Germany, those amas de casa from Spain, the casalingas of Italy, those femmes au foyer from France and all the other housewives from around the world. You always keep more than my room dusted and suck well even without a vacuum.

I can think of two reasons why you havent checked out Revenge TV yet. First up its because you are new to the net and havent heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of exs that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Brave Cop - Toxic Bass - Grand Slam - Teen Blonde Hotness - Sexy Workout

Cleaned Up - Cop This! - Corporate Sponsorship - Smokin Babes - Lesbians With Toys

A survey was conducted of 500 women living in England asking them if they would have an affair with Shane Warne. 75% responded "never again"
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I want to have SEX with you right now! Ill drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the mans proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in 20 cent pieces!
The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job. Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations. Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination. Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

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A West Aussie who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK was drinking in a local pub in Warwick, England, gets a Call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the West Aussie just shrugs, "That's about average in WA. Like I said, my boy is a typical West Aussie baby boy. Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the West Aussie returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical West Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, 17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born. The West Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says... "Had him circumcised mate".

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When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash..."

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I think this vid has been doing the rounds for a while now and I know I have had it sitting on my computer for a while but all this does not change the fact that it is hilarious. I'm not too sure of the origins either but if anyone does then let me know! Anyway, the vid is basically some guy in a clown suit kicking random strangers in the nuts. Check it out...

- Kicked In The Nuts -

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Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I'm married!"

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Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "Ill make you a deal. Ill open this crocs mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and Ill remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodiles open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle!"

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm".

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed". Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"



Lets put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten people go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth (the richest) would pay $59.
So, thats what they decided to do.

They ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a problem. "Since you are all such good customers," the owner said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."

So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four were unaffected, they would still eat for free.

What about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get their fair share?

The six paying customers realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. If they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth and the sixth would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each persons bill by roughly the same amount, and proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. The first four continued to eat for free. Once outside the restaurant, they began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth, pointing to the tenth diner "but they got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth. "I only saved a dollar, too. Its unfair that they got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh. "Why should they get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine surrounded and beat up the tenth diner.

The next night the tenth diner didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without number ten. When it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table any more. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.


With the lack of Reader Mail this week I thought Id go hard and upsize the RS. I doubt therell be any complaints but if you do then youre a dickhead... I still love you though. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly...

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Miss Green asks the class "If you have three birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one how many birds will be left?" Little Lucy puts her hand up "two birds miss". "Very good Lucy!"

Little Johnny thinks about this and then puts his hand up "miss I think you would have no birds left because the sound of the bullet hitting the other bird would scare them off." Miss looks at Johnny and says "that's true little Johnny I like the way your thinking there. Very good."

Little Johnny says "miss I've got a question for you now." With some trepidation miss green says "yes little Johnny what is it?". Johnny: "If there are three women sitting on a fence all eating ice-cream. One is bitting the ice-cream one is licking the ice-cream and one is sucking the ice-cream. Which one is the married one?"/

Miss looks a little confused so she decides to just pick one. "The one sucking the ice-cream?" she asks. "Naaah" says little Johnny "The one wearing the wedding ring of course! But I like the way you think!"

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Okay boys and girls that is all you get from me this week. Apols for not posting Reader Mail because there has been some gold come through but as I didn't think I would be updating I didn't bother to sort through it all. No matter – more for next time!

I hope you all enjoyed surfing as much as I did making the waves. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and spare a thought for the Poms. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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