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July 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.07.26-21.51
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop.

Not often I feel refreshed and relaxed but a few mixed up weeks has been incredibly beneficial. First there was Melbourne which I've crapped on about already, home for a week and a half then off to Adelaide to watch the football on a boys weekend. Okay so maybe it's a bit greedy punching out two interstate holidays so close together but the latter was an anniversary gift from the GF all organised in secret with a mate. Good GF is good.

Departure was Thursday morning for the 2.5 hour flight east and I don't give a single fuck what anyone says - the up front, extra legroom seats are worth every cent of the extra $25. Not only do you avoid some clown reclining their seat but there's way more flight attendant eye candy. Got to the airport, hopped in a cab and made way for the hotel. The first thing you notice is there just aren't that many people around. Surely the CBD of a state capital should be bustling but it just felt all a bit lifeless.

Anyway after getting there, checking in and meeting up with relevant peoples it was time to go explore. A walk through the city eventually landed us at a café for a late lunch which sometime later lead to a pub and another stroll around before coming across the casino. Admittedly I'm anti casino. I think of them as sad and depressing places full of compulsive gamblers. Even the grandeur of Melbourne's Crown failed to impress so the Adelaide Casino with its abundant 1-cent slot machines, tired and dingy interior, reminiscent of a sportsman's club really did nothing to change that. Avoid.

One of the apparent must do's when visiting is the Barossa Valley which is renowned for pumping out some of the best wine in the universe. So we hired a car, loaded everyone in and made our way to a winery for lunch. Ended up being a much longer drive than anyone realised but food was good and not such a bad way to spend a day. Did some sightseeing although didn't manage to get to any other wineries so for my money the Margaret River wine region south of home is better.

After venturing slightly out of the city on Saturday to find somewhere [read: anywhere] worth eating breakfast at, we headed off to the football game we were there for - Adelaide Crows versus West Coast Eagles. Sure, the Eagles lost convincingly however the fact remains Adelaide has some dickhead fans. In the highly unlikely event the one particular fucktard who was sitting behind us is reading - we were all staring at your girlfriends tits. Whilst they were exceptional, your unwanted "Come on that guy", "Come on other guy", "Kick it such and such" commentary was almost as bad as your football knowledge.

Exiting the car park afterward was entertaining. The thing about Adelaide is everyone is just so nice and polite so if you're willing to take advantage of this it's possible to save yourself from suffering a traffic jam by simply driving on the wrong side of the road. Matter of fact people are so nice that even when doing this, if the hire car you're in accidentally clips another car, they won't get out and say anything.

Sunday began at the same café as the day previous. From there it was back to the city to spend a few hours trying to find some sort of a thank you present for the GF. Not easy because I fucking suck at present buying. Lunch at McDonalds where, after spilling my drink across the floor, the cashier tried to kill me with her mind. Almost worth buying another drink to do it again but settled on smirking at her while she mopped the floor. Fucking get over it bitch. People have better things to do than deliberately dropping drinks.

All up I had a great time but Adelaide itself didn't do it for me. It's a city that seems to promise nothing and delivers on that promise handsomely and anyone that's ever described Perth [home] as dullsville clearly hasn't been to Adelaide. I'd go as far as to say if the Japs it, it might be months before anyone in the rest of Australia realised. It's more like a large country town with some very old, very beautiful buildings. Nightlife is limited - pubs are scattered around but didn't really spot anything you'd call a nightclub district or whatever. Same for restaurants and cafés. People are nice and strangers will actually make eye contact and smile at you. LOTS of Asians, LOTS of hot girls, it's quite clean, safe and cheaper than home. Would I rush back? No. But would I go back? Maybe. Why? Benefit of the doubt - surely it has more to offer than I saw in four days.

Alright time to get moving with an all new update. Maybe you guys will care, maybe you won't... Reader mail has been given the chop again this week because tickets to the Green/Santiago fight last night came my way. Basically instead of slaving away over a hot keyboard I went out with friends, screamed at some boxers and got a little bit drunk. Have actually been toying with the idea of making RM a less frequent part of updates. Maybe once a month because connecting the dots on some of the feedback you guys are giving, most people seem to love the extra video clips. Thoughts? Email me but in the meantime... check it...

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Simple Motions - Double Getaway - Baffling! - Amazing Spidy - Dirty Babes - Nude Yoga - Carly's BJ - Crackhead Lulz

Loose Butts - She's SPRUNG - Finger Bang - WTFFFF!? - 3some Fun - Eye Contact - Head Tread - Vigorous Vaj

Access Denied - Inexplicable - That Hurt - Octo Dubstep - Sicko Japs - Skatepoop - The Double - Awesome!

An old man gets up every morning, goes out in front of his house and sprinkles a white powder up and down the street. One day, a neighbour who had watched his apparently crazy routine for many years confronts him. "What is this powder you sprinkle on the street every morning?" "It's special elephant powder" the old man said. "It keeps the elephants away". "But..." says the neighbour "Everybody knows that there are no elephants in Nebraska". The old man just nodded "I guess it must be working then!"
A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly. Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body" he said "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out. Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"
My wife said to me "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's panties in your jacket pocket?" I said "Yeah... cos you're a nosey cunt!"
After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning. As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said "Charlie, Whiskey, Tango". I thought "How the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight...?"



"What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter".
"The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them".
"Be prepared for a lot of high-fives and drunk frat guys screaming 'Falafel !!!'"
"The viewing beats the chewing".
"Quail with figs had exactly one fig. When asked for more, the waiter replied there's one fig per customer!"
"The service is like a bad high school play - warm, well-meaning and completely inept".
"Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal".
"If you have no personality, this is the hangout for you".
"Service with a grudge".
"The special occasion place for people with bad taste".
"I'm pretty sure I ate cow's udders and liked them".
"The maître d' made us wait to be seated, apparently for no other reason than because he could".
"Service exists in two modes - know it all and not at all".
"Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer".
"Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table".
"The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it's a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program".
"Very polite staff - when a guest fell asleep they served his food as if nothing had happened".
"Good place to turn down a marriage proposal".
"I go here a lot... I'm not sure why".
"The food looks like it was plated by toddlers".
"Overrated, overhyped, overlook it".
"Charming in an authoritarian kind of way".
"Service so attentive you may have to ask for some privacy".
"Take a look at the staff on the way in - that's the last you'll see of them".
"Other than having gone to hell in a hand basket, everything is just like it was before the sale".
"The valet stole my cell phone and called Brazil 11 times". "What is an 'ultra lounge' anyway?"
"Had I known the lobster cost $300, I would have brought it home and kept it as a pet".
"Menu is epic, but like a bad '50's Bible picture".
"Even their 'regulars' have stopped going there".
"Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone cookie".
"I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine".
"Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks".
"The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and then waved through the window".
"Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982 just called and it wants its suspenders back".
"We could have lived without knowing that our waiter was 'Steven from Long Beach".
"If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just stay home".
"Our waiter was very unattractive, and this being LA, I have to downgrade the decor rating".
"They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow a whistle. That'll teach you to tell someone it's your birthday".
"Overpriced and undergood".
"The food may be bad but at least the service is slow".
"It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest".
"My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime".
"Someone had to employ all those out-of-work actors, I guess".
"If this is American food, I'll apply for a passport out".
"Hard to tell if it is a restaurant or drug front".
"My office comes here for special lunches, but I wish they'd stop".
"The food may have been excellent, but I was choking on the prices".
"Even the ice water had garlic in it".
"I'd love to go back - if you were paying".
"Proof that there's no shortage of people who want to eat bad food in historic buildings".
"The only thing healthy about the place is the exit door".
"Staff wanders around as if they were just beamed to this strange location".
"Who said it was okay to expose your chest hair while serving people their sandwiches and frozen yogurt?"
"The staff is charmingly incompetent".
"A good place to go with co-workers you don't like".
"I do wish they'd stop sticking a pine tree in every entree".
"The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharmaceutical reps to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks".
"Once you drive through axe-murderer country to get here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz".
"It's hard to tell where the food stops and the styrofoam containers begin".
"Suffers from delusions of adequacy".
"Took a doggy bag home. The dog refused it".
"If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family".
"So much for old world cooking - unless their microwave is hand-cranked".
"Family-friendly, yes. Foodie-friendly, no!"
"If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will".
"His food tastes better on TV".
"The music's so loud it's like they're asking you to leave".
"Saves fuel bills - the heartburn will keep you warm all winter".
"The immature eating the indelible".
"Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks".
"Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at the table".
"I actually pulled out my cell phone and called and asked them to please bring us water".
"Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here".
"It has a great reputation among people who don't get out much".
"A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong".
"The roaches always get the best seats".
"I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved - it was my waitress".
"I don't tip if I get groped".
"Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave".
"If only the spectacular view could fill one's stomach".
"Foam is not the solution".
"I've been in prisons with better service".
"They put the salmon in salmonella".
"If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to my mum's".
"Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young".
"I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate".
"I liked the concept until I ate here".
"I asked the waitress what was on the cheese plate and she replied 'cheese'".
"Food is awesomely average".
"Good luck with the semi-annual waiter service".
"Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal".
"Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait".
"An experience only a suburbanite would tolerate".
"So snobby you would think its high school all over again".
"Anorexic portions at obese prices".
"Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much".
"Trying to be edgy, they fell off".
"You can take lessons on apathy and disaffection from the wait staff here".
"Duck must have had a long flight - tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive".
"Most of the food here tastes like cheese with extra cheese on top".
"Our waiter would have been better cast as an undertaker".
"Portions so small I started laughing - prices so high I started crying".
"So much staff...so little service".
"They're having siesta while you're trying to fiesta".
"Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process".
"A place so phony it would make Holden Caulfield's head explode".
"Like putting a tiara on a street vendor".
"For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not ony express".
"Best things here are the toothpicks".
"All they have is the view, and you can walk outside and have that for free".
"'Breaking bread' should not mean you have to use the side of the table".
"I'm convinced that my salad was deep-fried".
"Less than meets the eye".
"The quiche of death".
"Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view".

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A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have 'Yellow 24', a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth".

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000!

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24". "Fuck me!" says the bingo caller "You've won the meat raffle as well!!"


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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years. First guy asks the second guy"How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d". The first guy says in amazement "Hey you don't stutter anymore!"

The answer comes " Y..e...s, I w..e..n..t t.o a d..o..c..t..o...r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e...a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r".

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c...e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e...r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o..u..l..d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e".

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that!?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b...y t..h..e t..i..m.e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"...

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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. Why do you think she brought her husband to the store? Her husband speaks English!

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Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

-In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
-Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
-Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
-Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
-Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
-Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
-The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
-David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
-Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
-Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
-It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
-The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Laxettes and instructed him to take the entire box all at once.

The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Laxettes and told him to take it all at once".

"Laxettes won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough".


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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem" replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee - he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... just terrible, doctor!" "Really?... what happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the table top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in "McDonalds" again!"

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Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right".

Incredulous, Tiger says "You play GOLF?" Stevie "Yes, I've been playing for years". Tiger "But... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice".

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well" says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice".

Tiger "What's your handicap?" Stevie "Well, actually... I'm a scratch golfer". Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime!" Stevie "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that... okay I'm in! $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie "Pick a night".


That ladies and gents... is me done. Rather than dwell on the subject I'll just leave you guys with these pre-recorded messages where all will be revealed...

-Check out the site archives. Okay I admit they're not going anywhere for the time being but if you're new here and wanna catch up on almost 12 years of insanely awesome updates then the archives are a good place to start.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You can set your watch by it. Literally and practically.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will undermine you at every opportunity.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop it or I'll tell mum. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.07.19-18.48 GMT+09.30
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Welcome to Orsm.net. It's pronounced "kwiche".

I'm lucky enough to be travelling again this week which means that due to time constraints a very small portion of today's update had to be chopped. The good news is there's an RS double shot and 80 brand new video clips to keep you guys occupied. Simply incredible right...? Everything may or may not be back to normal next week but I'll worry about that shit later. Check it...

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The diving school said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night. I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut you'd look alright". I said "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there".
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table. I said to her "Nice legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so". I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".
Question: when you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, India, Iran, Iraq or other Arab countries, what does that Government give you? Answer: A map of the Australia.
A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before. Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes. "You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?" "I wasn't quite sure" replied the man. "Surely you realised that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife. "You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions".
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather. Fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
A young man gets a job as a mortician at the local hospital. On the graveyard shift he says to the supervisor "That young blonde they brought in earlier has a shrimp stuck up her fanny?' The supervisor scoff's and says "What you talking about?" So decides to go have a look. He say's to the young man "It's not a shrimp you idiot! She's got a swollen clitoris!" The young man say's "Well it tastes like a shrimp"...

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Mummy Blaster - Perspective - Vehicle Porn - Shocking - Dog Cunt - WT-Fucking-F! - Girls Revealed - Unknblvbl Bod

Epic Tug - Perfection - Thai Hooker - Deaf-gasm - My Ass Hurts - Strong Boobs - 80's Porn FTW - Split'er - Owned!

Lohan Upskirt - Prototypes - Stripper Fight - Orgasm Spasm - Seven Whores - SloMo Titties - Sweet Clam - Flapjacks

Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting in front of the mirror applying the 'miracle' products she asked "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five". "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet".
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
A coach load of Irish folks on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going... the driver won £50!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce the weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to 'go downtown' so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?" She replied "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".



-Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your head off". The defendant paused, then quickly added "If I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

-The record for the world's worst drivers is a toss-up between two candidates: First, a 75-year-old man who received 10 traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit-and-run offenses, an caused six accidents, all within 20 minutes on October 15, 1966. Second, a 62-year-old woman who failed her driving test 40 times before passing it in August, 1970 (by that time, she had spent over $700 in lessons, and could no longer afford to buy a car).

-The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered. "And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

-England: A German tourist supposedly on a golf holiday shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realises that the tourist does not know what a 'handicap' is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does - backward. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

-David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armoured car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.

-Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

-A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

-A man went in to rob a bank. He demanded the clerk to give him all the money. They told him to go sit out in his car and they would bring him the bags of money. He agreed and went out to his car. In the meantime the people in the bank called the police. When they got there the man was still sitting in his car waiting for the money and they arrested him.

-Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies when, after he was arrested, he tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

-A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.

-A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break his former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a rather large hole in his stomach.

-When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid".

-In the middle of a blizzard, a New Jersey high school student decided it would be a good idea to rob the local 7-11. He walked to the store with a gun and stole $50. He walked back to his home, which was less than a mile away. The police followed the footprints to the young man's front door and arrested him.

-When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

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Once, a man from San Francisco died and went up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing the man's records Saint Peter said "I see here that you are a homosexual". "That's correct" said the man "Is that a problem?" "Well, It's kind of frowned upon up here but as I see you've led an otherwise exemplary life I've decided to let you in. Follow me" he said, opening the gate.

After a short walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. He bent over to pick up the keys. The gay man took one look and just couldn't resist so he jumped on St. Peter and did his thing.

Of course Saint Peter was furious. "If you ever do that again, you'll go straight to hell!" he yelled.

A few days later another guy from San Francisco arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter reviewed his records and found that he was also gay but, as before, he decided to give him a break and let him in. "Follow me" he said.

They passed through the gates and once again St. Peter fumbled his keys and they dropped on the ground. The gay man, unable to control himself, jumped on him and pumped away.

Saint Peter was even more furious than before, "If you ever do that again, you'll go straight to hell!" he yelled.

A week later a third guy from San Francisco arrives in heaven. Once again St. Peter checks the records and once again he finds that the guy is Gay. "Follow me" he says and they head off down the path.

Suddenly St. Peter spins around with a look of panic on his face, his hands flying up and down his robes. "What's the matter?" asks the guy. "I can't find my keys!!" cries Saint Peter.


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Fred got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes" she said. "Why don't you play with Ginger while you're waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she'll jump through".

The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started rolling over. Fred made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Ginger jumped right through... and over the balcony railing.

Just then Fred's date walked out. "Isn't little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell you the truth" he replied "she seemed a little depressed to me".

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple - a mixed marriage of white bride and black husband. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are.

To make his white bride feel at ease the groom said to her "Okay I'm going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said "Nope!" He then pushed a little more through the gap and again asked "Does that scare you?" "Nope!" she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope!" she said laughing.

He then said "All right, you seem to be okay with it. I'm coming up the stairs now!"

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The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters "I don't like Chinese"...

"No rike Chinese huh?" asks the co-pilot "why you not rike?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbour - that's why!" "No, no" the co-pilot protests "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese!" "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, all gooks are alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot. "What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same!"


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I was driving home from the pub last night, more than a little worse for wear and I was having difficulty keeping the car in a straight line. As expected, it wasn't too long before I was pulled over.
I wound the window down to an angry looking copper.

"Good evening, sir" he begun. "Have we been drinking tonight?" "Well I can't speak for you" I replied "But I've been knocking them back all night".

"And just how much have you had, then?" he asked. "Well I've had nine lagers, two Guinness, about a bottle of vodka and a couple of scotch's" I told him.

"I see" said the copper. "And would you mind taking a breathalyser test?" "Why?" I said "Don't you fucking believe me?"

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Teacher asks "If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many will you have? Johnny: "Seven, sir". Teacher: "No... listen carefully. If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many will you have?" Johnny: "Seven".

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many will you have? Johnny: "Six".

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many will you have?" Johnny: "Seven!!!"

Angry, the teacher snaps "Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?" Indignantly, Johnny replies "Because I've already got a frickin' cat!"


Okay I'm done. I'll be happy if this whole thing kept you bastards entertained for even a fraction of the time that went into cobbling it all together. If not - too fucking bad.

-Check out the site archives. The time is now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Mood dependant of course.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rollback the carbon tax thus undoing all the already noticeable benefits to our environment.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and see you in RRRRRRR-Adelaide. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.07.12-19.59
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Welcome to Orsm.net. That tingling feeling when you finally pee after holding it in for too long...

Trains, planes, automobiles, trams, motorbikes and a toboggan. The trip to Melbourne last week had it all and was nothing short of awesome. I feel like a bit of a dick raving on about it - most Aussies have spent at least some time there however until now it's managed to elude me. Anyway what you'll find below is a heavily condensed version of nine days spent in and around.

Departure was Friday morning and it wasn't without some aggravation in the form of airport security. Whilst one bitch decided to confiscate my lighter, another had me remove my belt, shoes and watch. Funny that on the 6 flights I've been on in the last year the only wankers who ever say a word are the wankers at Perth airports. Singapore security even let me through with liquids. Fucktards. The flight itself was okay except for the shitty Jetstar plane. We regret to inform you that... there is no hot food because the warmers are broken, credit card facilities are broken so cash only, only one toilet is working and sorry we departed 45 minutes late.

Touching down in Melb was predictably wet and cold. Hopped on a shuttle which took us past several hotels dropping passengers off before getting to ours. From there it was straight out the door to find food [not hard to do] and then tram it to the MCG for the Hawthorn vs Carlton match. Suck it, Juddy. Great to tick that off the list but holy fucking cold. Didn't make it past three quarter time.

After some Saturday morning exploring we met up with some [not my] fam, spent a few hours fucking around and eventually headed off to the wedding we were over for. Had an interesting experience with a cab driver who wouldn't take our fare because it was too short. As I walked off to find another he waved me back and imparted some friendly advice: "Mate I'm not sexist or nothin' but stay away from the black cab drivers". Will do - thanks. The wedding was short and sweet. All of 19 people in total and way better than some larger ones I've been to.

The next few days were a combination of catching up with various family, sightseeing and shopping... and when I say shopping I mean following the GF around while she went nuts filling my suitcase with "you can't get this label at home" clothes and shoes. It soon became clear why I was discouraged from packing a single item more than was necessary. Also managed to squeeze in trips to Saint Kilda, Luna Park [lame], Chapel Street [awesome], Collingwood [spanakopita], the Queen Vic Markets [awesomeness], the Chill On Ice Bar [crap], Fed Square [ugly yet impressive], Crown Casino [meh] and numerous other places I can't remember.

We hopped a train Wednesday for the Latrobe Valley to electricity generatin' country. Still have no idea what direction it was except 2 hours later we arrived to a town called Traralgon. Not quite the hole I was expecting but certainly no shortage of pregnant teenagers walking around smoking and hoons driving crappy V8's. The next day was spent road tripping visiting [and being introduced to] family members in towns so close together that it makes no sense why they are separate towns before heading further away from civilization to spend a couple of nights in a tiny town called Erica. Remember the Black Saturday bushfires a few years ago? There. Initial thoughts are why would anyone choose to live somewhere so fucking cold but it soon becomes clear - beautiful scenery, it's quiet, people are very friendly and the community tightknit.

Friday began with eager anticipation and after swapping cars, renting some gear and a half hour drive I finally saw snow for the first time. Did some tobogganing and walked around for a while before 'accidentally' picking a fight with the two teens we had with us. What ensued was a barrage of snowballs and pain that I never imagined possible as the little fuckers taught us a lesson which won't soon be forgotten. My next first for the day was riding a dirt bike. Haven't been on any sort of motorbike before so bashing around the back paddock in near darkness trying not to die was a lot of fun. Only fell off once too.

Returned to Melbourne on Saturday and checked in to a hotel on Lygon Street, Carlton. If you like to eat then this is the place for you. Restaurants and cafes are so plentiful that we spent more time walking up and down trying to pick one than we did eating. Each place has a spruiker on the doorstep trying to entice you in with offers of free wine and discounts. It's kind of how I think fatty heaven would be.

Okay probably need to start wrapping this up. I found it hard not to compare everything to home and in so many all things Melb comes out ahead. The best thing is almost everything. The old buildings are stunning, people everywhere all of the time, shops open 7 days and late, public transport is good, multicultural like whoa and football football football. Lots of really tall people and the must have highest redhead concentration in the southern hemisphere. Seems like everyone smokes and you can still smoke in restaurant alfresco areas. Girls are way hotter at home. It is absolutely a food lover's paradise. Contrast this to home where you pay a lot more for a lot less and get horrible service. All up it was the time of my life and I can't fucking wait to get back again.

Let's get on with the update. Check it...

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Epic Friends - Moby Song - Party Tricks - Rap Shame - Love Machine - Beach Boobs - Filthy Fuckers - Vergara Tits

She's Hard - Fatal Impact - Slut Trolling - Nasty Nasty - Sexy Preggers - Meth Rules! - Crazy Slutty - Buxom Bandit

Daddy Issues - Gotta Sting - Kaley Cuoco - Bullied - Oiled Up - Prolapsing - Electrifying - Crazy Hot - Too Thin?

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied Facebook.
Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both great, and you don't get 'em at home.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.



To really succeed in a business or organisation, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your co-workers. "Hi" you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor" you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement.

Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organisations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings; and
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their 'agenda'. At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand". You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make up elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it. (Although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career.)

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other, however, not both. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope". You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then draw interlocking rectangles. If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can draw more elaborate doodles and maybe even a caricature of the boss.

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into". Then they should file quietly out of the room.

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Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday'.
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg'. When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love'.
Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf'. He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie'.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks'. When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.


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The local charity organisation realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a representative paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The rep opened the meeting by saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our charity?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles "Uh... no, I didn't know that". "Secondly" says the lawyer "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one who is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten says "I'm so sorry, I had no idea".

And the lawyer says "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what the fuck makes you think I'd give any to you?"

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Southern Baptists John and Marie went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice" said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town.

When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John" said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie" said John "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John" said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie" said John "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice" said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. 'What have I done? What have I done?' thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing" said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said "The same thing I always tell them... "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time".

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With the skipped week there are so many quality submissions kicking around it was a nightmare trying to choose what ended up here today. Probably a first world problem but whatevs.

If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down forever] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have to do is click here. It really is that simple.

Les wrote:
Subject: Windows error message scam
Hi Mr Orsm. Long time user etc... I was amused by the post regarding the Windows error message scam. I have had several of these calls and on one occasion I actually listened and went through the procedure. The call was from the "Windows support team" I was led through a series of steps which ended up deep in the bowels of some Windows file. Lo and behold, sure enough, there were hundreds of error files there. I saw, that they were actually just log files. I was then told that the support team could sell me some software which would remove these dangerous files. The software was ridiculously expensive, so, knowing that a simple press of the delete key would get rid of the "dangerous" files, I declined their offer. Apparently the offer is genuine and can easily fool the unwary. Although I declined the offer, I was ready for their next call.

Sure enough, a couple of weeks later, they called me again. This is how the call went:

Caller: Good afternoon sir. I am calling you from the Windows support team....
Me: (with an Indian accent) Oh, I am so very happy you have called me. I am having a lot of trouble with my windows. I am hoping you can fix it for me.
Caller: Yes sir, we can fix your windows problems. What exactly is your problem?
Me: Oh I am so very happy. My dhoti is bursting at the seams.
Caller: What is your windows problem sir?
Me: Everything is wet.
Caller: Your windows is wet?
Me: Yes! Two weeks ago we had a very large storm and my windows were broken by some hailstones and now when it is raining, the water comes in. You will fix it for me, yes?

Now at this stage, one would think he would suspect something. But no, he just went into his sales pitch.

Caller: What is your credit card number sir?
Me: Why are you wanting that?
Caller: We will send you some software that will fix your windows problem. What is your credit card number sir?
Me: Yes, please send me the software and fix my windows.
Caller: What is your credit card number sir?
Me: I am not having a credit card.
Caller: Then give me your bank account number sir.
Me: I am not having a bank account.
Caller: You must have a bank account to pay your bills.
Me: Oh, goodness no. I am paying by cash because I am not trusting banks. They are all owned by Indians.
Caller: CLICK

Steven wrote:
Hi Orsm. Not sure if you have heard this story and I assume it is too big for the site but I find it absolutely fucking hilarious

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it: A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres. Put your best .3 of a metre forward. Spare the 5.03 metres and spoil the child. Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure. Give a man 2.5 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 kilometres. Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers. -Orsm

Tomas wrote:
Subject: Centrelink
I though Centrelink were OTT - look at this wank from the bottom of their emails

Ridiculous. -Orsm

Matt wrote:
Subject: Random shite / reader mail
Orsm. Love the site, been here since X impressive date, fap regularly etc. Saw this at a drive thru in London, surely this is a bit of a fail?! Keep up the good work...

Maybe she umm... nup... I got nothing. -Orsm

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ibukey wrote:
Subject: Highways getting tough on strays!
Hi Orsm, love the site blah blah blah, this photo would indicate that Lincolnshire Highways are starting to get tough on stray animals!

Wonder what the cats did that was so bad? -Orsm

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Steve wrote:
Subject: euro2012
I guess the guy in the front row, just to the right of centre figured the red and white wig, green shirt n shorts Just wasn't quite enough to put if Italy's last penalty taker
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Mic wrote:
Subject: Fire Typo
The dangers of live broadcasting and speech recognition software for closed captioning. One can't help but wonder, however, if this might have extinguished the Colorado Springs fire more quickly...
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justin wrote:
Subject: yes!!!
Here is a great way of getting rich very quickly!
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Real story.
The story behind this picture is real. This Muslim lady is blind and she allergic to dogs, so Southwest Airlines management okay-ed her to take her assisted animal on board with her...

Surely, SURELY not. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stairway to...???
Not so sure I chose the right medical school after all... With hold details please.
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Ben wrote:
Subject: seaworld, middle aged asian men and the bible...
Orsm, I snapped this pic a while ago at Seaworld on the Gold Coast. Nuff jokes floating around about religion and asians these days. I won't add to it...Ha ha

Of all the passages in the bible he chooses that one... -Orsm

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Friend-of-site wrote:
Subject: photo for random shite
Mr. Orsm - Love your site..etc. Thursdays don't get here often enough! Here's a photo that popped up on a site I was visiting. Loved the false advertising. If your gonna lie to people about pills to make your dick grow, at least mention the correct product that you are including as a measuring device!
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Emailing
coincidental ad placement
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Unbelievable.... ever seen a river like this before?
Never mind Julia's carbon tax will fix the rest of the world !!

Thank god Julia and the Greens brought in the carbon tax. I can see the environment getting cleaner by the day! -Orsm

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Wayne wrote:
Subject: a funny photo
My next door neighbour is in her sixties and is pissed most days. On this particular day she decided to reverse her car into the gate pillar then in a mad panic slammed it into drive and took the garage pillar and door out. Totally fucked the car and house, cops came did her for drink driving so not covered by insurance.... Husband NOT HAPPY.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Balcony Pools
The latest way that the super-rich are living better than all of us? They getting swimming pools that also function as balconies! Cyber architect James Law designed an unbelievable skyscraping residential complex for real estate company Wadhwa Group in Mumbai, India. One of the most outstanding and eye-popping features of the facility includes a series of swimming pools placed within each balcony. Known as Aquaria Grande, it comprises of two 37-story towers with over 200 apartments. There is an indoor club house that includes a gym and sauna, three levels of vehicle parking space, and a sustainable podium garden. Making eco-friendliness a priority of the towers' modern design, the structures include energy efficient glass facades to reduce energy consumption.
ryan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ex-girlfriend pics
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Queensland Australia Rail Etiquette

Without these important messages how would passengers know otherwise...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The internet
The web is full of strange and wonderul things. This guy is one of the strange. Hide details etc please. Great site

He's just misunderstood. -Orsm

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Lucy wrote:
Subject: My Photos
Dear Horny Webmaster: Everyday I check your site to see if my pussy is on display. Here are some more images for you:\. I really, really, really want to be on your site.

Previous Lucy images can be found here. -Orsm

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Anthony wrote:
Cheer Up Girls... It isn't just us who suffer changes over the years!

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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I never thought of this

Love the shoe drying one. -Orsm

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Al wrote:
Oh mighty ORSM, here are a few auto's you might like to own. Pre-war cars (WW II)
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Cigano wrote:
Subject: Bitches I've banged :p
I've found so many easy slut online it's incredible!! Keen on fucking me after only chatting online for like 30 mins lol. God bless the Internet..... & sluts!
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you". The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says "Hey, son! Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

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A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me" he says, taking the guy aside "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet" says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way". "Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck and off he goes to the store.

He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again" he says "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl". "Okay" says the Frenchman "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way". "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store.

 He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look" he says "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well" says the Frenchman "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"


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A destitute man in New York is hungry, tired and looking for food in the bins of the burger joints on 8th Avenue. Suddenly he sees a big banner outside an office. It reads... 'Blood Donors Required. $200 A Pint'

He thought for a moment and joined the long queue thinking this must be easy money, give a couple pints and that will keep him happy for a week!

A week goes by, and he decides to return to the blood donor building after spending all the money on drink and ciggies. He looks up and the sign has changed? It now reads: Sperm Donors Required. $500 A Shot'

Well he really thought his luck had changed. A quick handjob and more easy money. So he stands in an even longer queue and after three long hours and nearing the door he notices a young blonde girl standing behind him. He looks at her and say's "I think you've got the wrong day? Look, the sign says, sperm donors... you're a woman?' She points to her mouth and mumbles "I know"...

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Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making. Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention... do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?


And with that we -or rather, I- am done. Of course I came home to a chest cold so smashing out this update was way more challenging than it had to be. Every fucking cab, tram, elevator, bus or other enclosed space I've been in over the last two weeks always had a cougher or sneezer obliviously sharing their germs around. Really never was going to escape it.

-Check out the site archives. More than 500 updates bigger and better than this one waiting for your perusal.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming to you live from Rrrrrrr-adelaide.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use social media to bully your children.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and walk a mile in my shoes... before you complain about how cold it is. My feet are freezing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.07.05-wheneverer
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Sent from my iPhone.

I'm not here so whilst some things disappear in this week's update, they're replaced with oh so much goodness. Check it...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful!" he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you!? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her lady bits. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologised and explained "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her". "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "Strange" he muttered "you even sound exactly like her!"
After an alleged visit to a 'pleasure parlour', Federal Politician Craig Thomson notices green lumps on his willy. So, off he goes to the doctor's. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says Craig, nodding seriously. "Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts".
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees. Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said "Come out and fight like a man!"
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. "Your, Honor" she began coolly "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly".
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two postage stamps.
I was driving along earlier when some cunt smashed into the back of me at 60mph. I got out of the car and saw that my rear end was smashed to pieces. The smug cunt got out of his 4X4 and shouted "What the fuck did you brake for?" So I fell to my knees, pointed at the boot and screamed "My girlfriend was in the boot, you killed her!" He look shocked and started trembling. I felt like I'd really wiped the smile off his face but then he started screaming and crying hysterically. I started to feel a bit bad so I went to comfort him. I opened the boot and said "Look mate, I was only joking. You can clearly see she's been dead for weeks, you didn't kill her".

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Defend & Dismember - Crazy Records - Bondage Ferrari - Mummy Cleav - Picture Perfect - Tight Pussy - Wax That Ass

Virginity Taken - Haha Loser - Funny Fart - Nude Headcase - Bang Gang - Cunt Trick - Awesome - Porn Olympics

Goth Goddess - I Wouldn't - Cavernous - Kate Nip's - Multi Talented - Cum Fail - Great Guy - Messed Up - Cool Trick

This morning some little aboriginal kid smashed my windscreen. I was so annoyed that I didn't even pull over and check on him.
A boy comes home from school at 7pm. His dad says "Where were you?" "I was with Tanya". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son... they're fucking donuts".
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
I watched Thelma & Louise last night. It taught me that, if only women could reverse they wouldn't have died in the end.
I fail to see how getting arrested and banned from the supermarket is my fault. It was the wife that asked me to take her up the chocolate aisle.
I still love to spoil my wife. When she works late she calls me before leaving the office. Then I will run her hot water, stir the bubbles just right so that as soon as she gets in, she can start the dishes!



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports... and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -Alan, 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -Kristen, 10

You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. -Kally, 9

My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. -Carolyn, 8

Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. -Eric, 6

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -Camille, 10

Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. -Carolyn, 8

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -Derrick, 8

Both don't want any more kids. -Lori, 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -Martin, 10

Many daters just eat pork chops and french-fries and talk about love. -Craig, 9

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -Martin, 10

When they're rich. -Pam, 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -Curt, 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -Howard, 8

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR -Allan, 10

It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it. -Tammy, 10

Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you... if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy but just for a few hours. -Kally, 9

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -Anita, 9

You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan! -Kirsten, 10

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. -Will, 7

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.  But I hope he showers. -Michelle, 9

Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. -Dick, 7

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -Kelvin, 8

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. -Gavin, 8

They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing. -John, 9

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -Ricky, 10

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.-Dick, 7

Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love.-Erin, 8

Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.-Dave, 8

Just see if the man picks up the check.  That's how you can tell if he's in love. -Bobby, 9

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. -Bart, 9

Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. -Sarah, 9

See if the man has lipstick on his face. -Sandra, 7

It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. -Christine, 9

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The US standard railroad gauge (width between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Now that is a very odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the gauge used in England and the first US railroads were built by English engineers.

Why did the English use that gauge? Well, the first railways were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge? It's simple, the people who built the tramways used the same jogs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

Okay, so why did the wagons have that odd wheel spacing? If they tried to use any other spacing the wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

Why were the ruts that wide? The first long distance roads in England (and most of Europe) were built by the Roman Legions and these roads have been used ever since then. And the ruts in the roads? Roman chariots first formed the ruts and everyone else had to match the ruts for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Consequently, the United States standard railroad gauge is derived from the specifications of the original Roman war chariot. Yes, bureaucracy lasts forever!

By the way, why was the wheel spacing of the Roman war chariot that width? It was just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two Roman war horses.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now here is a modern twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to each side of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters (SRB) that were made by Thiokol in their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the solid rocket boosters might have preferred to make them a bit wider, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The rail line had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel and the tunnel was only slightly wider that the railroad track, which was slightly wider than two horses behinds.

So, the major design factor of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

This week I am good to you guys. More so than usual. RS double shot and here's part one. Check it...

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One weekend afternoon a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George a big burly man in his 50's, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper and says "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide" she says. While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive' he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, even the State Trooper, then says "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot says "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule for 11 months without leave, even reindeers asses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe, it's minus 40 degrees and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

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Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan" she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it" Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?" "Because my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone "that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then" Mary smiled "I'd be a Liverpool fan.

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Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'". "Yaa" Pastor Sven agrees, then asks "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out?'"

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as though there were no tomorrow…

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said "Let him dig! I had the bastard buried upside down... and you know men won't ask for directions!"

Part two go go go gooogogog gogo ogogo gogoo!!

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You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to bury him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made.

"So what did you do?" I asked. "Oh" said Charlie "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox".

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A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step" he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes" his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark".

"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles" the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question his father raised. Finally, in exasperation his dad asked "What about babies? When you're married, you're apt to have babies, you know".

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"


And... and... and... we're done. Whilst I'm quietly confident that despite lacking reader mail, it was more than made up for in the crapload of extra vids and Random Shite. That said, everything should be back to normal next week but until then...

-Check out the site archives. It's most likely what I'm doing as we speak.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless plane crash, skiing injury, motorbike accident, train derailment or other life-ending tragedy befalls me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you away somewhere very, very cold without any warm clothes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and up ya bum. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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